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Thread: Pokemon Match: The Martial Way

  1. #26
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    Mem, I thought I replied to you but then it turned out the post didn't go through or something? Anyway, your points are really helpful, It's good to see that the grammar doesn't detract from the plot. Hopefully this chapter is the solution to the personality-less Dennis and Poliwrath. Also, I'm terribly sorry:

    1. For leaving Fan Fiction for a month.

    2. For not updating for about a month.

    I honestly don't know what came over me. Why would someone leave and come back so fast is crazy. I just couldn't ever see myself writing every again.

    Hopefully you can all still remember who people are. WARNING this chapter is mostly action based, with a bit of information tossed in. Some character development too.

    Let's see if my return has been worth it, here we go!


    Chapter Three: Myths and Phobias


    “What do you think is for breakfast?” Dennis joked as the two Hoia walked down the hallway.

    “Hmm… there is a possibility of it being rice, but I really have no clue,” Kakri mused.

    It was rice, as had every other meal so far been. The Hoia and Russel sat around the table. Sarah poked and prodded the fluffy grains like a grumpy child. Her face was more screwed up than a paper bag in an avalanche. Kakari silently chuckled to himself.

    Looks like princess isn’t happy with her meal.

    “Okay.” Russel said, putting his fork down. “Today we will be gathering materials for gloves and shin guards.”

    Sarah’s eyes darted toward her Sensei, “We don’t have to worry about that, I have my own-”

    Russel shook his head. “It is a traditional practice, even if you have manufactured equipment, I would like you all to participate.”

    Sarah returned to grumpily prodding at her breakfast.

    Dennis went a little off colour. His calf muscles began to twitch under the table and his fork vibrated as his hands shook slightly. His eyes jumped about nervously, never settling on one place.

    What’s wrong with Dennis? Oh right, he’s afraid of Ariados. Too bad for him that our pads are getting made out of Ariados nest silk!

    “Are you okay?” Russel asked.

    Dennis shook his head vigorously. “Oh- oh yeah. I’m just fine, never been better actually.”

    He took a big scoop of bland rice and smiled.

    *

    The Hoia and their Pokemon walked the same track they had traversed when they had first met. Sarah walked at the front, her pony tail bouncing around at the back of her head. Her Meditite matched her steps pace by pace. The girl turned around and flashed a bright white smile.

    “Hey, Denny, there’s one.”

    Dennis turned red, then some other indescribable purplish-white colour. His eyes widened as he spotted a large cocoon like structure hanging from a tree to the side of the path. Kakari scuffed the ground with his shoes, impatient for this to be over.

    “I’ll show you how it’s done first,” Russel said.

    The man walked over toward the hanging bundle of silk. Without any sort of warning, his front leg rotated and his hips twisted sharply. At the end of this movement his shin collided with the next and sent a shockwave through the white sack. It snapped off the tree with a pop and landed on the ground like a deflated balloon.

    Hundreds of small Spinarak scuttled from their destroyed home. Dennis took a step back, then another. He was poised to run away. Poliwrath put a gloved hand on Dennis’s shoulder and nodded softly. The boy’s eyes met the water-type Pokemon’s. He calmed down.

    That wasn’t anywhere near funny enough. I was expecting some sort of huge reaction.

    It wasn’t that Poliwrath had calmed Dennis down; it was the simple fact that Dennis hadn’t noticed something. Clinging to a tree behind him, perfectly camouflaged, was a human sized Ariados. Its six long brittle legs dug deeply into the wood. Its huge engorged body rippled, its large thorax moving like whale blubber. From the end of a sharp white horn on its head, poison oozed.

    The Ariados lunged forward, its legs ready to wrap around the boy. Poliwrath spun around, its fist catching the Pokemon in the face, sending it spiralling into the air. As it descended, Meditite’s eyes glowed with purple energy. The Ariados spasmed in mid air, wracked by some sort of invisible torture.

    Mienfoo took a small run up then jumped, sailing through the air. Kakari swore he saw his partner Pokemon wink at him as she plunged her foot into the midsection of the Pokemon with a large crack. The Ariados hit the ground and scuttled off into the foliage.

    Dennis spun around, but found nothing. There was a huge noise, but seemingly no action besides Mienfoo landing on the ground. Confused, he walked over to the fallen silk and picked it up.

    “Come on; what’s so funny?” he asked incredulously.

    Kakari leaned over toward Sarah, “I can’t believe he didn’t realise that.”

    Sarah folded her arms. “I can’t believe you think I care.”

    *

    From there, the Hoia and their Pokemon undertook a long and complex process of creating their pads. First of all, the material had to be steamed so it was soft and pliable to work with. They created this by placing the sack in a hot bath for a few hours.

    From there, they had to cut large sections of it off for the three Hoia. After that, they each stretched the strange material into shape in four pieces around their shins and fists. Once they had their shape, they dunked the silk in sea water, which sealed and preserved the material.

    “Done!” Russel exclaimed, “These will last you a long time, and will evenly disperse impact so we don’t have to worry about punctured organs or broken bones.”

    Sarah looked up, her hair matted with sand and salty water. Her face was flushed red and her limbs were shivering from the cold. With the four pieces of padding tucked under her arm, she marched angrily back up the beach to the shower for a long rest.

    Dennis nudged Kakari and said, “Do you think she’s annoyed that she had to make them even though she already had professionally crafted ones herself?”

    Kakari snorted, “I think she’s more pissed off that she had to repeat it four times because she kept screwing it up.”

    The Hoia walked back up the beach leaving their footprints to be washed away by the rising tide. As the tide rose, the sun fell beneath the bay. The Hoia sat inside the lounge now all rested up as they filled out the entry forms for the “Talimar Match Champs.”

    “Have you heard the creation myth of Talimar?” Russel asked, his worn face looking up from the rice cooker.

    “Yes,” Dennis and Sarah chimed together.

    Sure, I’m the one to miss out on the bed time story. Maybe if my parents actually took the time to read something to me, instead of worrying about my sister all the time.

    “You haven’t Kakari?” Russel asked.

    Kakari shrugged. “I’ve heard of it, yeah, but the details are a little sketchy.”

    “Well.” Russel began. “It goes a little like this…”

    Once, a long time ago before the Earth was born, there was a single deity.

    Its name was Regigias, a tall and statue-like being, which longed for company for itself, and a task to complete.

    In its sorrow, it crafted three beings, Regirock, Regice and Registeel. These three beings could talk to Regigigas, which made the deity very happy. They toiled together to form the earth, with great rocky outcropping, huge icebergs and glaciers, and rich minerals underground.

    After all of this crafting, and from the stress of creating the three Regis, Regigigas felt very tired. He slept, for what may have been a millenia.

    When he awoke he found the three deities fighting. Their glaciers, mountains and minerals were barged up against each other, fighting for room. The Regis were destroying each others land.

    This made Regigigas very sad, all it wanted was some company, but now all he could see was enemies. There was no work to do, but only destruction.

    Regigigas used the last of his energy to create a fouth deity, known as Regitu. It would govern over the three deitys and make sure none of them fought and that their territories were equal.

    After a long period of peace, all four regis began to feel the same tiredness that overcame Regigigas. They all burrowed underground and slept.


    “-I’m sorry but I don’t see how this has anything to do with the creation of Talimar.” Kakari said.

    “I’m getting there, Kakari, be patient,” Russel explained.

    Anyway, where was I? Oh right, they all burrowed underground and slept. Regitu, the governing force of the regis, took rest deep under the Terakion Mountains. It is said that marital spirit flows from the veins of that mountain and into the many stone tablets around Talimar. Is is speculated that Regitu want Pokemon and humans to get along as well as Regigigas wanted the Regis to get along.

    That’s why Hoia exist, to prevent fighting between Pokemon and people. As a warning, it is also known that if Pokemon and humans are to turn on one another like the Regis did, Regitu would rise again and take vengeance on both sides, if the lessons of old are not heeded.


    “So…” Kakari began, “Long story short, Regigigas gets bored and creates deities. After having some fun he goes to sleep. When he awakes and sees they have gone crazy, he creates Regitu who sorts them out. Then they all go to sleep again with Regitu’s spirit supposedly keeping Talimar healthy.”

    Russel nodded, “That’s pretty much it.”

    *

    They were at the stone tablet again. The raised platform loomed ominously in the floodlights concealed in the treetops. Six lights beamed down from different angles onto the smooth surface of the tablet.

    “So, who’s up first?” Russel asked, turning to face the Hoia.

    Dennis shifted slightly, “Sorry, Sensei, but I can’t fight today. I have had a really bad stomach ache since breakfast.”

    Probably from the nerves of having to harvest the silk from the Ariados nest. Oh well, more training for me, I guess.

    Poliwrath looked a little dismayed that she couldn’t fight. The huge blue Pokemon growled in a low tone that made the spiral on its belly rotate slightly. Dennis gave the Pokemon a sharp look and it stopped suddenly, suddenly finding great interest in the forest floor.

    Kakari and Mienfoo got up onto the tablet. It felt different at night, as soon as Kakari’s bare feet touched the stone he knew that the martial energy from Regitu coursed through his veins. He could feel the power rushing into his body, changing his biology. It enabled him to use Pokemon techniques, because while Kakari was on that tablet, he was part Fighting Type.

    Sarah and Meditite climbed up to meet them. Sarah had chosen to wear her professionally crafted pads instead of the botched set she had finally managed to create. Meditite scuffed the ground nervously. The Pokemon’s eyes were wide and its small limbs were slightly twitching. Sarah flicked her hair back and tied it into a tight ponytail.

    Kakari dropped to a knee and adjusted the silk that fitted tightly around his shin. Mienfoo eyed him up carefully.

    I hope you’re prepared for this.” she said.

    Kakari jerked his head toward his partner Pokemon. The Mienfoo's head was tilted to the sky, miffed.

    “What was that?” he demanded.

    “Mein? Mein foo,” she joked, a sly grin spreading along her features.

    Kakari studied the cream coloured Pokemon. It wiggled its button ears as it stretched its long sleeve-like arms. It pulsed a few times on the pads of its feet and beamed up at Kakari.

    The Hoia and partner Pokemon took their marks, humans facing humans and Pokemon facing Pokemon. The air was crisp and insects chirped from the bushes. The stars above watched carefully as the competitors were ready.

    Russel called from the sidelines.

    “Ready…”

    Kakari bent his legs, tension building in his calves and quadriceps. Sarah did the same, lowering herself. A stony expression came over her face. Mienfoo’s eyes darted between her two opponents. Meditite breathed deeply, calming his nerves.

    “HAJIMEINE!”

    As soon as the call came from Russel, Sarah rushed forward and clapped a painful Fake Out attack on Kakari. The boy stumbled back, wincing from the blow, but twisted and raised his leg planting a solid side kick into the attacking girls abdomen. She stumbled back and regained her guard.

    Mienfoo jumped forward, tucking into a small ball. The rolling Pokemon pushed off the ground as it met the Meditite attempting a Rolling Kick attack. The Meditite side stepped and span on its back leg for a roundhouse kick. The blow glanced off the Mienfoo who landed low and twisted on its paw, sweeping the Meditite’s legs out from beneath him.

    Kakari moved toward the fallen Meditite, but Sarah cut him off, striking with a series of fast punches. Kakari blocked and parried the furious assault. Sarah raised her leg up, the heel of her foot on a beeline for Kakari’s head. The boy recognised the attack and caught it, holding her leg tightly against her chest.

    Kakari smiled. “Gotcha.”

    Sarah giggled, “No, retard. Got you.”

    Sarah didn’t struggle against Kakari’s grip. She instead placed one hand on the ground and held firmly onto Kakari’s shoulder with the other. With a heave she took her other leg off the ground, holding herself up on Kakari and swept it hard against the back of his legs behind his knees.

    The “Crab Scissor Flip” sent Kakari falling to the ground, twisted by both her limbs manipulating his body. He groaned and his bones jolted as the tablet stopped his fall.

    She predicted I would catch her kick? How could she know?

    Kakari struggled to his feet, but Sarah was up faster. The girl span around and roundhouse kicked, her pad connecting with Kakari’s jaw. The boy’s neck twisted sharply as he landed on the ground awkwardly on his side.

    “Mienfoo!”

    Kakari’s partner Pokemon dove at Sarah, attacking with a vicious flurry of blows. The Kung Fu practitioners started a deadly fight for each other centrelines, the place of weakness on their bodies. With a jump, Mienfoo kicked off Sarah’s chest and twisted in mid air. The round-house kick caught Sarah on her head, she stumbled onto her back from the force of the technique.

    From behind, Meditite attacked with a powerful Force Palm, the blow struck the Mienfoo’s spinal cord and sent a shockwave the overstimulated the Pokemon’s nervous system. The Pokemon stood up, but its movements were jarred and stunted.

    Mienfoo was paralysed from that attack! I need to help her or she will be picked off easily!

    Kakari went for the Meditite, taking it by surprise. Kakari unleashed two sharp jabs and a heavy reverse punch with his back hand. The blows were hard and focused, but they didn’t damage the Pokemon very much.

    It’s part Psychic type! I’ll need to hit it hard if I’m going to do any sort of damage.

    Meditite was still reeling backward from the punching assault. Kakari took a step forward and twisted on his front foot. He span his body around 360 degrees and raised his leg, the flat of his foot striking the Pokemon hard in the abdomen.

    The spinning back kick took the breath out of the Meditite. It staggered back, breathing weakly. It’s eyes were squinted tightly in pain.

    Now to deal with Sarah.

    The girl had attacked first, a punch to the lower ribs that would have cracked them, if it wasn’t for the gloves on her hands. Kakari began to counter with a reverse punch when she attacked again, this time with a hook kick. Kakari pushed the limb away after blocking it, he was never going to catch one of those again.

    Mienfoo dove to attack Sarah from behind but spasmed as she pulled back her leg to attack. The Pokemon’s paralysis had kicked in and any attempts of attacking were useless. Meditite had recovered fast, the Pokemon slid across the tablet taking out Kakari’s legs. Just as he lost his balance, Sarah planted a solid smash to she face with a fast round-house kick.

    Kakari stumbled back and found nothing beneath his feet. The air gently embraced him before he was thumped hard as gravity passed the final blow. The grass was cool around his body, but the quiet serenity wasn’t enough to take away the awful fact.

    I lost.

    I honestly lost.

    To a girl.


    He felt a strong hand help him up. It was Dennis.

    “You’re really unlucky that Mienfoo got paralysed; I hear that only happens thirty percent of the time with a force palm.”

    Kakari nodded but it did nothing to consolidate him. He heaved himself back up onto the tablet to shake hands with Sarah and Meditite.

    The pair were not without their own battle scars. Sarah had a large lump on her head from Mienfoo’s jumping round-house and Meditite had a deep purplish bruise from Kakari’s back kick. Mienfoo got up easily, the paralysis had passed.

    We did our best you know, even if I did have to save you again.”

    Kakari ignored the voice he heard. He wasn’t sure if it was Mienfoo or how it could be Mienfoo. He just knew that he needed some rest. The boy crouched down to his partner.

    How could I have wanted a Combusken instead of you? You’re great, fast and mega reliable. If I hadn’t had made myself vulnerable, you wouldn’t have had to be paralysed. We need to function better as a team, Mienfoo. And I promise I’ll train twice as hard to be as good as you!

    His partner Pokemon nodded. They shook hands, and for the first time, Kakari felt as though he had a friend he could trust.

    Kakari and Mienfoo moved over to Sarah and Meditite.

    “So?” Sarah said, beaming, “Guess I won huh?”

    Kakari felt deflated. “I didn’t think you’d be this much of a skite, Sarah.”

    The girl laughed and shook Kakari’s hand. Meditite did as well.

    “You taught me a lot in that fight, Sarah. The lessons we learn today will benefit us in the future.” Kakari said.

    “Yeah!” Sarah yelled, “I’m AWESOME!”

    Her Meditite jumped in the air at the self-proclamation of status.

    “I think we may have just met her biggest fan…” Kakari whispered to Mienfoo.

    The Pokemon chortled at the idea of a partner Pokemon idolising its Hoia.

    “Come on, kids, let's head back. We’ll get some ice packs for all of you.” Russel said.

    “Race you back?” asked Sarah.

    Her Meditite nodded and they sprinted down the track. Russel watched them go, a small smile twitching at the corners of his lips.

    “They remind me of how I was when I was young” Russel explained. “You two did well.”

    He gave Kakari a warm pat on the back.

    “While you may not be the most talented, you have spirit. And with that I think you can go far.”

    Mienfoo looked up at Kakari.

    “Shall we beat them there?” Mienfoo asked.

    Sure thing.”

    The two sped off into the darkening night, ready to face the obstacles in their path.

    END OF TRAINING CAMP DAY THREE
    Last edited by moonlightning; 15th June 2011 at 7:21 AM.

  2. #27
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    St. Louis, Missouri.
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    You did a great job with Dennis this time, I loved Sarah and her sycophantic Meditite, and I loved the action scene, but there were too many grammatical errors. I'm going to list the ones I can find:

    Quote Originally Posted by moonlightning View Post
    “Hmm… there is a possibility of it being rice, but I really have no clue.” Kakri mused.
    The period needs to be a comma instead. Any spoken sentence that ends with a period needs to be a comma.

    “We don’t have to worry about that, I have my own-”.
    I really don't think that the period is necessary.

    Russel shook his head. “It is a traditional practice, even if you have manufactured equipment I would like you all to participate.”
    The two bolded words need a comma between them.

    “Are you okay?” Russel asks.
    You switched POV perspectives. You want the word "asked" instead.

    The Hoia and their Pokemon walked the sane track they had traversed when they had first met.
    The word "same" is what you're looking for.

    Hey Denny, there’s one.”
    Comma between the bolded words.

    Dennis turned red, then some other indescribable purplish white colour. His eyes widened as he spotted a large cocoon like structure hanging from a tree to the side of the path.
    Purplish-white has a dash between the two words. So does cocoon-like.

    Without any sort of warning his front leg rotated and his hips twisted sharply.
    Comma between the bolded words.

    It wasn’t that Poliwrath had calmed Dennis down, it was the simple fact that Dennis hadn’t noticed something. Clinging to a tree behind him, perfectly camouflaged was a human sized Ariados. It’s six long brittle legs dug deeply into the wood.
    The bolded comma should be a semi-colon. The first two bolded words need a comma, and the next two should have a dash. Finally, the last bolded word shouldn't have an apostrophe.

    As it descended Meditite’s eyes glowed with purple energy.
    Comma between the bolded words.

    The Ariados hit the ground and scuttled off, into the foliage.
    The comma shouldn't be there.

    “Come on, and what’s so funny?” He asked incredulously.
    The first bolded word and the comma should be replaced by a semi-colon. The "He" should have a lower-cased "h".

    First of all the material had to be steamed so it was soft and pliable to work with.
    Comma between bolded words.

    From there they had to cut large sections of it off for the three Hoia. From there, they eache stretched the strange material into shape in four pieces around their shins and fists.
    Comma between first two bolded words. "Each" is spelled incorrectly. The final bolded words need to be cut out. It would be nice if you could find a similar sentence instead of the second "from there".

    “Done!” Russel exclaimed, “these will last you a long time
    The "t" in the bolded word needs to be capitalized.

    With the four pieces of padding tucked under her arm she marched angrily back up the beach to the shower for a long rest.
    Comma.

    Yes” Dennis and Sarah chimed together.
    You need a comma after "yes".

    “You haven’t Kakari?” Russel asked.
    Comma.

    Kakari shrugged, “I’ve heard of it yeah, but the details are a little sketchy.”
    You want a period instead of the comma, since Kakari isn't speaking. You also need a comma between the two bolded words.

    “Well.” Russel began.
    You want a comma instead of a period.

    When he awoke he found the three deities fighting.
    Comma.

    After a long period of peace all four regis began to feel the same tiredness that overcame Regigias.
    The first two bolded words need a comma. "Regigigas" is spelled incorrectly. I'm also wondering if the word "Regis" is capitalized or not.

    “-I’m sorry but I don’t see how this has anything to do with the creation of Talimar.” Kakari said.
    The bolded words need a comma, and there should be a comma instead of a period.

    “I’m getting there Kakari, be patient.” Russel explained.
    Both should have commas.

    Regifight, the governing force of the regis took rest deep under the Terakion Mountains.
    Comma.

    That’s why Hoia’s exist, to prevent fighting between Pokemon and people.
    I'm confused. Is it "Hoia" or "Hoias"? If it's the former, there shouldn't be an apostrophe or an "s". If it's the latter, there still shouldn't be an apostrophe.

    “So…” Kakari began, “Long story short, Regigias gets bored creates deities, goes to sleep and see they have gone crazy, he creates Regifight who sorts them out then they all go to sleep again with Regifight’s spirit supposedly keeping Talimar healthy.”
    I really think that you should read over that paragraph and reword it. The two words with italics need a comma.

    Russel nodded, “That’s pretty much it.”
    There should be a period instead of a comma, since Russel isn't speaking.

    Dennis shifted slightly,Sorry Sensei, but I can’t fight today. I have had a really bad stomach ache since breakfast.”
    You need a comma between "sorry" and "Sensei", since Dennis is addressing him directly, and you need a period instead of a comma.

    Probably from the nerves of having to harvest the silk from the Ariados nest. Oh well, more training for me I guess.
    Comma.

    I hope you’re prepared for this.” she said.
    Comma.

    The Meinfoo tilted her head was tilted to the sky, miffed.
    The bolded words need to be cut out.

    Meditite was breathed deeply, calming his nerves.
    You can either cut out the "was" or say "breathing" instead of "breathed", but the current sentence doesn't work.

    The boy stumbled back, wincing from the blow, but twisted and raised his leg planting a solid side kick into the attacking girls abdomen.
    "Girls" needs an apostrophe.

    The blow glanced off the Meinfoo who landed low and twisted on its paw sweeping the Meditite’s legs out from beneath him.
    Comma.

    Kakari moved toward the fallen Meditite but Sarah cut him off, striking with a series of fast punches. Kakari blocked and parried the furious assault. Sarah raised her leg up, the heel of her foot on a beeline for Kakari’s head. The boy recognised the attack and caught it, holding her leg tightly agaist her chest.
    You need another comma, and "against" is spelled wrong.

    Kakari smiled, “Gotcha.”
    Period instead of comma.

    She instead placed one hand on the ground and held firmly onto Kakari’s shoulder the the other. With a heave she took her other leg off the ground, holding herself up on Kakari and swept it hard against the back of his legs behind his knees.
    You want the word "with" instead of "the", and you need another comma between the other bolded words.

    From behind, Meditite attacked with a powerful Force Palm, the blow struck the Meinfoo’s spinal cord and sent a shockwave the overstimulated the Pokemon’s nervous system. The Pokemon stood up, but it’s movements were jarred and stunted.
    You might want to use a period to separate the two sentences instead of a comma. You also want the words "that" and "its".

    It’s eyes were squinted tightly in pain.
    You want the word "its".

    Kakari pushed the limb away after blocking it, he was never going to catch one of those again.
    You might want to reword it as "But he knew he was never going to catch one of those again." Just a thought.

    Meditite had recovered to fast the Pokemon slid across the tablet taking out Kakari’s legs. Just as he lost his balance, Sarah planted a solid smash to she face with a fast round-house kick.
    You might want to reword the sentence. You also want "too" and "his" instead of "to" and "she".

    “You’re really unlucky that Meinfoo got paralysed, I hear that only happens thirty percent of the time with a force palm.”
    You need a semi-colon.

    Kakari nodded but it did nothing to consolidate him.
    You need a comma between the first two words, and I think you want "console" instead of "consolidate".

    How could I have wanted a Combusken instead of you? You’re great, fast and mega reliable. If I hadn’t had made myself vulnerable you wouldn’t have had to be paralysed. We need to function better as a team Meinfoo. And I promise I’ll train twice as hard to be as good as you!
    Commas between the bolded words.

    “I didn’t think you’d be this much of a skite Sarah.”
    Comma.

    “You taught me a lot in that fight Sarah. The lessons we learn today will benefit us in the future.” Kakari said.
    Comma between the bolded words, and you need a comma instead of a period.

    “Come on kids, lets head back. We’ll get some ice packs for all of you.” Russel said.
    You need a comma between the bolded words, a comma instead of the period, and an apostrophe for "lets".

    When it came to the action sequence, I think you did a great job. Don't be discouraged by my review; I really did enjoy this chapter. You just need to remember the rules about commas and such; you'll be fine if you do.

    Sincerely,

    Mem.
    Last edited by SilentMemento; 27th May 2011 at 3:47 AM.
    CURRENT STORY

    A Time for Everything - Kalos has lived peacefully for far too long, following the ideals of the corrupt. It's time to change that... An AU of X/Y.

  3. #28
    Join Date
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    Maryland
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    Default At long last, the review comes!

    First of all, thanks for being my very first formal review request. I will try very hard not to let you down.

    Before I start with the actual chapters…I have to say something about the title itself. The title is what people notice first. A well-thought out title sounds interesting and has something to do with the plotline, even if the reader doesn’t realize it at first. When you wrote “When The Grave Calls”, I found it one of the more interesting titles I’d seen, at least as far as Pokémon fanfiction goes. Unfortunately, when I got into the story I found it to be somewhat disjointed and confusing and lost interest after a while. But, as someone who admittedly doesn’t read as much fanfiction as a writer should, it got my attention, if only for a while.

    “Pokemon X: Subtitle Y” has been done to death. Take it from someone who’s guilty of the same sin. I just kind of got stuck with mine when I decided to do sequels, and if I could do it all over again, the Pokemon Revolution series would be named something completely different. I found ways to compensate for it by making interesting subtitles. My suggestion would be to drop the “Pokémon Match” part of the title. It seems gratuitous, to be honest – especially on a section of a Pokémon fanfiction forum where all of the stories will have something to do with Pokémon. You don’t absolutely have to do this at all. It’s just a suggestion because I think “The Martial Way” sounds interesting enough, perhaps moreso, on its own.

    Chapter One:

    The majority of stories’ opening chapter or chapters should accomplish the same function: setting up the setting and at least one main character, usually the protagonist. Your work on describing settings isn’t bad; I get the impression that you have an idea of what you want to describe, and that’s good. Too many would-be writers have their stories seemingly occurring in a vacuum because they haven’t thought out the setting for what’s going on around the character. Where it appears that you need work is figuring out what words to use and how to phrase them in a way that paints a picture. For example:

    Quote Originally Posted by moonlightning
    The white van sped away, kicking up a cloud of dust from the back country road. A thin boy walked from its cloud with a blue sports bag slung over his shoulder. He began to walk down the long driveway, heat radiating from the dry ground and bouncing back up at him. He walked with confidence, his head held high.

    In the distance, Keldio bay loomed. The water was coloured deep blue with a touch of green, different colours emerging as the sun hit at different angles. It stretched out widely, bordered by two tall cliff faces, with jagged rocks beneath. The body of water created great contrast to the rest of the dusty countryside.

    The ground crunched as his sneakers squashed tiny stones together. The air was warm and still. Eventually, the facility was visible as he walked over a small rise. It was a worn, rickety looking building with lots of rooms.

    He continued, the sun beat down on his fair skin. It was beginning to redden. He hopped over a fence, his bag swinging wildly around his waist as he landed. A man exited the house and approached him.
    There are some really good nuggets here. But instead of a picture, I kind of saw random splotches of paint – or maybe a jigsaw puzzle where you had nearly all of the pieces, but they weren’t fitting together quite right. I know that sounds like damning with faint praise, but bear with me here.

    Your description kept going back and forth from the boy to the environment around him. The boy is clearly in this environment, yet they felt disconnected. I feel like some of the sentences about the environment were shoehorned into paragraphs that were more about the boy, and vice versa.

    The ‘Keldio bay’ paragraph was clearly the best one out of this introduction – except for the fact that you name-dropped “Keldio Bay” (the B is usually capitalized in that context, BTW) in there without really telling us anything. It kind of gives the impression of “you should know this already,” and we don’t. It’s the first chapter of your story, and it’s clearly taking place in a fan-made region. It’s not terrible, but a phrase like “the body of water they called Keldio Bay” might have been more appropriate. If you introduced Keldio Bay into the story a second or a third time, then you could simply name-drop it and not have much of a problem. It’s like introducing a character by name with no kind of inkling of who they are or what they look like. Which brings me to the introduction of Sensei Russel.

    I would take a wild guess and say that Russel is somewhat important to the story, at least here in the early goings…yet we have little idea what he looks like when he is introduced. Yes, he has frizzy hair and a baseball cap, but is his hair dark or light? Is he short or tall? I imagine that, in a sunny, warm sort of area, he’d be a bit tanned or red-faced because of spending so much time outside, so maybe you should include that. If he’s a martial arts sensei or if you’re trying to set up that part of his character, I also imagine he’d be pretty fit and/or muscular. Just something to keep in mind. You can always expand on or reiterate a character’s appearance later so that readers really associate that appearance with their character.

    I also didn’t get Kakari’s line about how his voice gets him confused. If I were to guess, I’d say that he meant his accent or dialect. But unless you want readers to engage in guesswork (that is, you’re holding back certain plot-related information and allowing readers to speculate before revealing it), you’re usually better off telling them most of the things they would want to know.

    The description of the building was, simply put, lacking. There could be more details there. As was ‘Dennis’ popping in out of seemingly nowhere.

    Once again, you sort of dropped a new term on your readers without explaining it. No one’s going to know what a “Pokemon Hoia” is. If it’s someone specializing in martial arts and training Pokémon, then you should explain that, if only by using those words and nothing more. It only takes a sentence. Fortunately, I was able to sort of figure out what the term meant by context, but that’s not always going to be the case. When you introduce important terminology – even if it’s something usually found in-universe like a Pokéball, for instance – never, ever assume that your audience knows as much about the terminology as you do. In fact, a safer bet is to assume the opposite and explain everything you can.

    On the other side, I do like how you showed through your protagonist that you’ve done a bit of homework on this new element you’re introducing. I particularly liked the dig at those who don’t pronounce ‘karate’ correctly. I also liked the small block of text more than likely displaying Kakari’s thoughts and explanations…for obvious reasons, of course.

    Other than the grammatical glitches, which really need polishing (I won’t fine-tooth comb all of them for fear of sounding like a broken record – maybe I’ll save it for a PM or for another review), your dialogue’s not half bad. I really started to capture a bit of what type of guy Kakari is because of his dialogue. He comes off as a bit of a know-it-all, believes in the superiority of his particular style of fighting, if not himself. (And, off the record, I used to take Taekwondo in my younger years. One of those kicks from a black belt hurts like hell.) Looks like someone that might need a tiny bit of humbling as the story goes on, neh?

    Quote Originally Posted by moonlightning
    That’s my competition? Pfft, being a Hoia will be a breeze. I’ll knock this rookie around for a while to pass the time. What’s two weeks of intense training when you’re practicing with people you could trump when you were white belt anyway?
    Maybe I’m mistaken, but given the pattern I’ve seen in the early going, it looks like this was supposed to be in italics. Or it would have been better in italics, where it seems to be Kakari himself speaking/thinking. Here, it just looks like you switched from third to first person in the middle of the chapter, which will get a lot of “WTF” reactions from readers.

    I liked the way you introduced Sarah…(Kakari’s stereotyping of female Pokémon Hoias kind of made me chuckle a bit) even though her character seems a little bit stock. Okay, really stock. Right now, the cast almost reads like a Pokémon fanfiction checklist, what with the teenage hero, the secondary guy that the hero doesn’t like from the jump, and the girl that catches his eye from day one. But it’s still early, so I’ll probably wait a long while to reserve final judgment on them. Just be aware of that fact, though, and don’t take too long to develop them, or people will get bored really quickly.

    Stone tablet? Intriguing.

    Quote Originally Posted by moonlightning
    The forest blocked out lots of the light, and the temperature instantly dropped. The ground was a mess of leaf litter and fallen logs. Sensei weaved the path of least resistance, so it was best to follow him closely. Various bird calls echoed through the foliage, occasionally the violent flapping of wings erupted from beneath the leaves as they came to close to a Pokemon, and it took off merely appearing as a brown and white blur before it erupted through the canopy.
    You’ve got a couple of run-ons and a bit of awkwardness in a spot or two in this paragraph (“…the three teenagers thought it best to follow him closely” would have been a better wording), but this is descriptive gold. Aim for this kind of thing more consistently.

    Is it bad that the first thing I thought with Dennis’ reaction to the Spinarak was ‘Ron Weasley?’ Either way, I thought it was kind of funny. More importantly, it establishes to the audience that Dennis might not be quite as threatening as Kakari thinks he is.

    The Pokémon fighting scenes were…interesting, to say the least. I’d say that they were the highlight of the chapter just because it’s not something you see done very often. But I’d be careful with them, though. Needless to say, in fiction – especially fiction based on fiction (what we like to call Fan Fiction) – you can get away with a lot of things and story elements that you wouldn’t have found in the original medium. But make sure to make those elements believable.

    I have to admit, the intro was so unpolished that this first chapter was something of a grind until about halfway in. Things started to pick up after about five pages. But for people who don’t have a vested interest in the story, that might be about three or four pages too late. I’d seriously consider polishing up that introduction a bit.


    Chapter Two:

    Don’t worry. You won’t have to slog through four pages of review for this one. I usually obsess a bit over first chapters, but I’ll try to keep this review short and sweet.

    In terms of telling the story, you really seemed to get your feet under you in this chapter. Better than Sarah did, anyway. :P

    And speaking of Sarah…

    After breakfast they had a short break before beginning their useful martial training. Kakari decided to head out early, Meinfoo trotted alongside him eagerly. Sarah was standing on the beach, staring at two surfers who were paddling into shore.

    “Surfers huh?” Kakari said.

    Sarah turned around, then looked straight back at the surfers. She looked back at him, stepped forward, closed the distance and-

    It was warm and surprisingly wet. Their arms linked for a second before the embrace broke and Sarah stood back, her face blushing. The kiss had lasted only a second yet it lingered in Kakari’s mind like an echo.

    “I…” Kakari began.

    “Think nothing of it,” Sarah spat.

    The girl stormed off back inside, the morning sun casting a long angry shadow over the sand. Kakari turned to her Meditite, confused. The Pokemon shrugged and gave a ‘why would I know, she’s crazy’ look and paired up with Meinfoo for some sparring.

    “What the fu-?”
    Wow. Can’t say I’ve seen that too many times before. Most of the time, when there’s romantic tension or attraction between two characters, it builds up to a kiss. Everyone kind of knows it’s coming, and it’s just a question of when. But it takes some serious forethought to just kind of put that moment on the table from the jump, literally have Sarah tell Kakari that it didn’t mean anything, and then develop a relationship from there. It also says a lot about Sarah’s character – she’s very self-aware and savvy about her own feminine wiles, yet she’s also very assertive. She comes off as the ‘professional heartbreaker’ type, if that makes any sense. I’ll be interested to see where her character goes.

    I also think that it’s very interesting how the martial arts moves and the Fighting-type moves of the Pokémon correlate. In a weird way, it actually makes a lot of sense that, in an area full of Fighting-type Pokémon, human beings would attempt to emulate the Pokémon’s strength and techniques.

    Quote Originally Posted by moonlightning
    Kakari just sighed and focused on climbing onto the rocky plateau before the cliff wall. They slowed to a walk and both touched it. Then they turned around to meet a squeaky bark.

    A small circular Pokemon rolled over to meet them. It was icy blue and had tiny flippers. Its black beady eyes focused on Kakari as it barked again. “Spheaal! Spheaal!” It opened its mouth playfully and wiggled its tiny flippers. The Pokemon sure was cute. Meinfoo just watched it as it bounced and rolled around Kakari’s legs.

    It must be Walrien nesting season. I think they like using these cliffs to . . . oh sh**

    A blubbery mother clambered from its resting place behind a large rock. Its head reared up, revealing a large white frill and two yellow bacteria laden tusks. Its eyes were bloodshot and its massive body edged over the rock to see a stupid human standing uncomfortably close to its baby.

    “Run!” Kakari yelled.
    Another one of your better bits, but I must digress from my earlier position because I keep seeing the same mistake and it’s starting to bother me a bit.

    Mienfoo. M-I-E-N-F-O-O. Since you’re going to be using that word a lot, make sure you spell it correctly.

    (Incidentally, in Walrein, the E comes before the I.)

    You did do a great job of capturing the appropriate reaction to realizing that there would be an angry mother Walrein in the area. “Oh sh**” sums it up perfectly and I could kind of see the slow movement of the mother. Although it doesn’t make much sense in this context when you’ve already called the Walrein a mother, to make use of the gender-neutral pronoun here. It should be “A blubbery mother clambered from her resting place…”, etc.

    And an interesting bit about Russel’s former partner at the end, too. Gives more depth to his character. Although, given that, maybe he should have shown a bit more emotion at the stone tablet. Seeing the other young Hoia ‘bond’ with their new partners had to have been a bit hard for him to watch on some levels.


    Chapter Three:

    It’s pretty obvious to me from this chapter that you’re taking the advice of some of your other reviewers and using it. It wasn’t perfect, but it showed a bit more polish in terms of your mechanics (spelling, grammar). Although, again, in Mienfoo, I is before the E.

    I probably mentioned this before, but initially, I found your characters to be a bit stock, but in two chapters, you’ve managed to develop them quite a bit and establish attributes for each of them that give them a bit more humanity. All three of the Hoia have certain quirks that might be a bit grating to some people, but that’s not such a bad thing. More irritating and far less believable are characters that everyone likes all the time because they can do no wrong. Kakari clearly has a tiny bit of jerk in him, as he’s constantly making fun of the people around him, if only mentally. Yet, he doesn’t seem like a bad guy. Just really sarcastic. Sarah’s personality has a very interesting juxtaposition – clearly she’s not completely frilly given the fact that she practices a martial art and is very good at it, but she also comes off like she grew up as the center of attention. Her strange obsession with surfers aside, I also get the impression that there’s a tiny, devious part of her that enjoys playing with people’s hearts. It’ll be interesting to see how you develop and explain that part of her character. Dennis, on the other hand, seems to be the most down-to-earth of the three. He’s conversational and friendly in contrast to Kakari’s and Sarah’s occasional standoffishness. (Although I still don’t get a very good idea of what Dennis looks like. You only described him as ‘lanky’ in Chapter One, and that’s not helping me a whole lot.)

    I only had a couple of beefs in Chapter Three. One of them was the name ‘Regifight.’ I’m not sure if you can find a better name for this Fakemon, but maybe you should look into it. It’s got this derivative, “they-didn’t-try-really-hard” vibe. I’m not questioning your effort, I’m just saying that it can come off like that. Have you ever read a story in which a further Mew clone was named “Mewthree?” It makes sense. In fact, it makes too much sense and feels more like the author chose it because it was the first thing to come to mind. I guess it fits in with Registeel, Regice, and Regirock, but if you can do better than that, you really should, right? Excellence in everything.

    If I were to make a suggestion, I would go with “Regitu.” You’re probably thinking, what the hell? Well, I’ve looked at some of the name origins for Pokémon and some of them have quite a bit of thought put into them. You obviously have Regi for, well…a Regi. (And the Regis get that suffix from the Latin word regius, meaning “royal.” Just to show you what I mean by this whole point.) But the ‘tu’ comes from the Taijitu. It wouldn’t surprise me if you already knew what this was, but in case you don’t, it’s the proper name for the circular symbol most people know as the ‘yin-yang,’ which tends to be associated with a few different martial arts. But it also symbolized the idea of balance of powers, which is, if I remember correctly, this particular Pokémon’s prime function. (That is, to balance powers among the Regis so they don’t try to dominate one another.) Okay. Enough of that. ^_^

    My other major issue in Chapter Three is with Kakari himself. Seeing as you’ve established him as having a bit of an ego, I can’t help feeling that he should have reacted a bit more strongly to losing to Sarah, who he had pegged as sort of a ‘princess’-type that would have been more concerned about breaking a nail than beating him in a fight. Kakari’s reaction seemed a bit too nonchalant. There was shock there, but I wonder if there should have been some lingering anger as well – or at least frustration at his rotten luck, or at himself for not being better. But it seemed too – I hate to say it – Ash-like.


    All in all, I think this story has a lot of potential. You certainly know how to tell a story quite well. And your characters aren’t bad, either. The one thing that I would caution you about – since this sort of a fantasy-oriented plot, I wouldn’t make it too complicated. Readers can’t get inside the head of the author. You might have a lot of explanations as to why things happen the way they happen in the story, and you may be writing with those thoughts in mind, but if we as readers don’t know them, we’re not going to know what the hell’s going on. You’d be surprised how slippery the slope is from confusion to frustration, boredom, and complete loss of interest.

    I’d also bone up on that spelling, grammar, and sentence structure. Once you learn how to frame sentences and paragraphs, your description will also become better. A well-done painting doesn’t look nearly as beautiful if there are random dots of colors that clearly aren’t supposed to be where they are. You’d be surprised how much of painting a picture with your words comes down to how you place them.

    Well, I hope I made this review worth your wait, and I hope you understand at least a couple of the messages I was trying to convey. If there’s ever a question about exactly what I meant, don’t hesitate to PM me again. Good luck!

    - EM1
    Last edited by EonMaster One; 27th May 2011 at 1:49 AM.

    Dalton Gregg was a mostly-ordinary university student from the region once called Johto.
    Then a fateful encounter set him on a quest to change history.




  4. #29
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    @ Mem

    Thanks so much for those corrections! I feel like I'm beginning to pick up the grammar rules and mistakes I'm making from your help. That's it, next chapter I'm not letting you quote a mistake even once! (Oh god this is going to be hard)

    I'm glad you think I'm doing a better job with Dennis. I hope he will (surprisingly) be one of the most developed characters in this story. I was trying to sell him off as a normal kind of guy but everyone thought that was really bland.

    @Eon Master One

    I read through your review several times. To make sure I didn't skip anything.

    I'll start things off by being offtopic. Your comments on my title... I understand where you are coming from. Hundreds of fics with the formula you stated are churned out every day. I thought for some crazy reason that the premises of a "Pokemon Match" would be interesting. But I now realise that a person looking at the title would have no idea what that is!

    Also you mentioned finding When The Grave Calls disjointed and hard to follow? Don't blame you. Even my beta was confused with the HUGE plot twist of: Kerry had Dialga in her watch the whole time which Jess posessed and used to obtain the black chain so she could summon herself and turn back time to bring Mr Chompy back to life. period.

    I guess I can learn a lot of a sixteen chapter mistake, right?

    Your analysis of chapter one was well needed. I think a rewrite of the first few pages to describe the setting, the building and Russel a bit clearer. I'm glad that you mentioned later on that my characters had left their "stock" status for something more interesting. It's important to me that the readers can connect to my characters, even if they are narcissistic, scheming and sarcastic!

    So an intro remake! I think it is a good idea!

    And onto your comments for chapter two...

    I'm glad you liked my twist with Sarah. I'm glad it revealed a lot to you about her with just one shocking event. Well the whole martial arts and humans movements co-relating is just my obsession with Pokemon and martial arts co-relating I guess! (Honestly I train 5 nights a week for 3 hours, and god knows how much Pokemon training I have done )

    How embarrassing spelling my favorite and leading Pokemon incorrectly. (I zoomed straight through find and replace and fixed it as soon as I saw that comment. A little bit of me died inside too.)

    The scene with Russel at the end was something I originally wanted to do in the first chapter but left it for the second. I think it fits better here, but I'm glad you didn't see the original melo-dramatic single tear crap that Breezy fixed up!

    The reason I didn't want to give too much detail about Russel's feelings is that he is burying them. But I don't want to give too much away!

    Chapter Three. (I'm really glad you made it this far!)

    Now for Regifight. I knew this would come up. I went through lots of possibilities, Regicombat, Regiart and Regimart being some of the weaker ones. I decided on fight simply because it went with the pattern of the other ones. Now I realise how boring that is because the possibilities of things like Regifire and Regithunder and endless. Regitu is interesting, but I'm not sure if I should just change on the wills of my reviewers. I mean, your opinion is great and I'm glad you did some research but... is it okay to do this?

    Hehe, Kakari hasn't gotten over losing his first Match. Nope, this is one thing that is going to haunt him for a while. I could have had more in there than just my standard

    Line that gets smaller

    Every single

    time.

    Because I just love doing that.

    This review was worth several waits! It made my return here very worth it and it has inspired me. There is nothing better than people making observations of your own characters and concepts. I hope you will be interested in helping with a remade chapter one and an awesome chapter four.

    Eon Master One, thanks so much for taking the time to help me. Once people see this review, I fear you may be very snowed under in terms of requests!
    Last edited by moonlightning; 27th May 2011 at 7:15 AM.

  5. #30
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    Sorry for the long wait if anyone is reading this. I have had other stuff going but I won't give up on this. This is my baby. Okay that last line sounded weird.

    Pokémon Match: The Martial Way

    Chapter Four: Pokémon Trainer Dallas


    The waves broke on the shore coughing white mucus bubbles around Kakari’s ankles. The boy shivered, his face white with cold. Mienfoo punched him playfully in the thigh. The Pokemon’s tail quivered in the early morning air. Beside them Sarah hopped from foot to foot in the shallow swell.

    “Jeez it’s so cold here!” she complained. “Why couldn’t we just drive into town and swim in a pool!”

    Her Meditite nodded vigorously in agreement and scowled at Sensei Russell. The old red-faced man tossed his battered cap by the doormat and walked across the cool sand to meet with the two Hoia.

    “Where’s Dennis?” Russel inquired.

    “Him and his Poliwrath have already gone,” Sarah pouted, “Both of them are really confident swimmers. Are you sure we should be doing this?”

    The man answered by diving into the water, his swimming shorts disappearing into a wave. With a sigh Sarah followed after and Meditite too. Soon it was only Kakari and Mienfoo left.

    “Do you think we could just swim for a bit then hop out and walk the rest of the way?”

    The cream coloured Pokémon’s eyes twitched at the notion of cheating. It twisted its back leg in the sand and planted a fast kick into the back of Kakari’s leg. The limb collapsed and he slammed into the freezing water. His teeth hurt and every part of his body went numb. Mienfoo splashed out into the water. With gasps of sea water mixed with oxygen he swam out after his partner Pokémon.

    Stroke. Stroke. Stroke.

    Hmm, I guess this is sort of relaxing.

    I’m getting used to the water and now that the sun is rising . . . Ahh that’s better - the sunlight right on my back like that. I wonder what this island will be like? Hopefully it doesn’t have any Walrein on it. I don’t need a rematch with those things anytime soon.


    It’s funny how fast everyone bonded with their partner Pokémon. It all happened just as it should have. Apart from that one glitch . . .

    Why did Mienfoo appear for both me and Dennis? Does this mean that we are similar in some way?

    Kakari lifted his head out of the water. Dennis and Poliwrath were standing on the beach of a small island in the distance. Before them, the flailing bodies of Russel, Sarah, Meditite and Mienfoo were visible. A huge volcano spewed smoke into the blue sky.

    It almost doesn’t seem to fit on the island! It goes so high, and all this time it was hiding behind the cliffs of Keldio bay . . .

    Suddenly Kakari’s arm hit something. With a jolt he realised it was the sandy floor of the beach. The boy hauled himself up and immediately the wind hit him. It was a warm day, but the cool water was enough to make him shiver. Russel tossed his a towel.

    “Thanks,” Kakari said. “Where did you get this from?”

    “I came in early this morning,” Russell explained, pointing to a small motorboat. The dingy was secured to the shore with a piece of rope tied around a rock.

    Russell’s eyes widened. Sarah’s did too, her mouth agape in shock. Meditite froze in place. Dennis twitched and took a step back. Poliwrath tensed its muscles and lowered itself to the ground.

    Kakari immediately looked downward, there was nothing unusual going on there. Then what could it be? He felt suddenly cool as a large shadow blocked out the sun behind him.

    “MIEN!” Mienfoo cried. The message was obvious; run.

    Kakari scrambled forward, his feet slipping on the loose sand. In his panic, he fell to the ground. The boy scurried on all fours toward the rest of the group. Behind him there was a massive crash that shook the trees. Kakari stood up slowly and turned around.

    A huge menacing creature faced him. Its huge white eyes froze Kakari in place, their small pupils fixated on him. The creature’s long whiskers moved slowly and the fins on either side of its head flapped in the wind. It was about as thick as a bus and as long as a train.

    A teenager dressed in forestry gear slid off the side of the Pokémon. He pulled a small sphere from his pocket and enlarged it with the press of a button. Holding the black, yellow and white sphere toward the Gyarados he returned it with a flash of red light and a horrible sucking sound.

    “A Pokemon trainer . . .” Dennis muttered.

    A Pokémon trainer. What he is doing in Talimar is not clear, but what is clear is the fact that he is in the wrong place. We don’t take kindly to cowardly types like them, sending their Pokémon into battle without risking themselves at the same time. Giving orders to creatures that they do not respect.

    They carry around a maximum of six Pokémon at a time and trap them inside small spheres called Poké Balls. They are not sold or bought in Talimar. A ‘Trainer’ is a term of disrespect for a poor Hoia. These fools use the term as a title. One that seems to entitle them to take as they please, removing Pokémon from their families and natural habitat.

    Pokémon only come to the tablet to meet a Hoia if they so desire. Poké Balls force Pokémon to join a trainer - a sick and twisted practice that only foreigners could condone.

    “Hi!” the guy said, rushing forward. His synthetic orange forestry clothes were bright in the rising sunlight. The boy stood before them, eyeing up the Hoia and their partner Pokémon. “Wanna battle?” he asked, tilting his head to the side.

    There was a small moment of silence. Russel broke it.

    “Do you have any fighting types?” he asked. “We’re Hoia, so we only train with and fight against fighting types.”

    The boy chuckled and ran his hand through his short brown hair. “No silly, I mean your Pokémon onto my Pokémon.”

    Sarah laughed, “Fighting that Gyarados thing? I don’t think that would be a good idea.”

    “Hmm,” the boy though, “Well . . . luckily for you, I happen to have two fighting type Pokémon with me!”

    Russel nodded. “Fine then. Dennis and Poliwrath can fight those two fighting types.”

    Mienfoo rushed off to the bush at the edge of the golden beach. There she grabbed a stick and ran back with it. On the flat sand she drew a large square, one that Kakari guessed was the rough measurements for a Pokémon Match ring.

    Russel walked to the back of the square, his back facing the raging sea. The sun cast a long shadow of his aged body across the sand.

    “The rules are as follows. Only fighting types moves are permitted. No joint locks or chokes are allowed. Only blunt striking weapons and only blows to muscled areas of the body.”

    The boy rolled his eyes as the rules were explained. He didn’t have a clue what half of the words meant.

    Stock standard to avoid any unnecessary injuries. No burns, frostbite, headaches, broken bones or cracked skulls today.

    Mienfoo drew four lines on each side of the square to indicate the starting places for the Hoia and Pokémon. Dennis and Poliwrath walked up to it, radiating confidence. They took their marks and waited.

    “The name’s Dallas Logger. Go Hitmonlee, Lucario!”

    Dallas threw a brown and white yellow striped ball into the air. I exploded with an unnatural flare of pure white light. From the depths of the heavenly glow a brown humanoid Pokémon appeared. Its legs were springy and long, it whipped them around in a few warm-up kicks. Its eyes were set deep into its head was fused to its body which gave the impression that it missed a neck.

    From the other red-and-white Poké Ball, a tall jackal-like Pokémon materialised. It had a long canine snout and strange long organs attached to its head that swayed in the breeze. It was humanoid, standing on two thick legs, and its paws had a sharp spike on the backs of them.

    “Ready. . .”

    The Pokemon coiled their legs, sometimes the first few seconds of a Pokémon Match were the most crucial.

    “HAJEMEINE!”

    Hitmonlee was first off the mark, making a beeline for Dennis. It was stopped by the blue bulk of Poliwrath with which the brown Pokémon exchanged a few glancing blows before parting to a safe distance.

    “Aura Sphere, Lucario!” Dallas yelled.

    Kakari clenched his fist.

    There he goes. Ordering his Pokemon around. Sure, it could be handy to have another set of eyes, but I’m pretty sure a fighting-type knows more about fighting than this scrub.

    The blue jackal ran behind the Hitmonlee before jumping high off the ground. It soared over both Hitmonlee and Poliwrath, its paws were retracted as if they were holding an invisible orb.

    A long range fighting type attack! Those are really rare, I wonder if Dennis will be able to deal with this . . .

    The Pokémon formed a ball of energy between its paws. As it hit the ground it released the sphere toward Dennis. The lanky boy executed a crisp dive-roll to the side. The orb of pulsing light followed him, crashing into him with a mighty crack and sending him tumbling across the sand like a rag doll. He was by the corner of the square.

    That attack . . . Can’t miss?

    Enraged at the damage dealt to his partner, the Poliwrath charged in close to the Hitmonlee and reached between its swift legs. With one arm through it twisted its hips and performed an Overhead Throw technique. The Hitmonlee landed out of the arena onto the sand in a head of tangled limbs.

    That’s the weakness of all long distance fighters: Close range.


    “Grr, I wasn’t watching that. Double battles are hard!” Dallas commented, “Lucario, finish him off, Aura Sphere!”

    The Lucario brought its hands back, at a safe distance from Poliwrath and Dennis. It released the orb of spiralling blue energy. It whipped toward Dennis, lifting sand off the ground in its wake. Dennis closed his eyes and looked away.

    Crack.

    Poliwrath had thrown herself in the path of the attack. It had struck for critical damage in the centre of her spiral. The Pokémon wheezed and dropped onto the sand.

    “Dennis! Use what I taught you!” Sarah yelled from the sidelines.

    Huh? Sarah taught Dennis something. And didn’t teach ME!?

    Dennis nodded and regained his fighting stance. He kept his eyes firmly fixed on the Lucario before him.

    “This is getting boring,” Dallas complained, “Lucario use Focus Blast!”

    What!? No way! That attack can only be performed by fighting types that have achieved immense mental discipline! How could this newbie have perfected such a powerful move?

    The Lucario’s strange organs on the sides of its head rose. It closed its eyes and pulled both paws to the sides of its chest. Twin orbs of energy formed. It opened its eyes sharply, they were blazing with orange light. The orbs shot off the Lucario’s palms, the Pokémon skidded back along the sand from the kickback. The orbs spiralled around each other like planets. They homed straight in on Dennis. His eyes widened. The attack had the potential to cause serious injury.

    Dennis flailed his arms around in the air but refused to move. The orbs connected in front of him . . .

    There was a deafening roar that blocked out the sound of the ocean waves. A pillar of sand rose from the ground like a silicon mushroom cloud. Lucario was panting from the energy expenditure of the attack. Dennis stood, unscathed.

    “Thanks, Sarah,” he said.

    Wait. . . No. . . Protect!

    The boy rushed forward at the tired Lucario. The Pokemon could barely raise its arms in attempt to parry the roundhouse kick to the face. The part steel type fainted at the single blow as it‘s head was twisted, causing its brain to touch the side of its skull. Instant knockout.

    “YAME!” Russel called, “The Match is over, and it goes to Dennis and Poliwrath!”

    Kakari and Sarah rushed over to Dennis who was tending his fallen Poliwrath.

    “Great work Dennis!” Sarah said, pulling him in for a hug.

    Dennis turned to Kakari who stood sullenly. “Well done,” was all he could muster.

    Sarah and Dennis. They’re so talented. I . . . I’m having doubts now. I always thought I could try my best to be the best but there’s more to it now . . .

    Kakari looked over toward Dallas who returned his Pokémon. He walked over to the group. “Thanks for a nice battle,” he said, “Here.”

    He held out a small wad of cash. Dennis looked at it confused. “We didn’t bet any money did we?”

    “No, but it is customary that the losing trainer pays the winner. A small amount but a reward nonetheless.” Dallas explained.

    “Hoia,” Dennis began, “Usually give an item to the winner. Something that can help their training and fighting.”

    The boy raised a finger into the air, “I have just the thing.”

    He pulled from his heavy looking backpack a small purple stone. It had a rope on it that could be fastened onto a Pokemon’s neck.

    “It’s an Evolite. It boosts the defence of unevolved Pokémon. It’s quite valuable, but now that my Pokémon are fully evolved it’s no use to me anymore.”

    Dallas beamed as he held out the small stone. Dennis smiled gratefully as he accepted it.

    “Thanks, but my partner is fully evolved too. Sarah, you were the reason for the win today, does Meditite want it?” Dennis asked.

    Oh come on! That thing is part Psychic type! It’s hard enough to hit already without some mystical stone defence boost. That’s just the kind of thing Mienfoo needs . . .

    Meditite nodded vigorously. “I guess he does then!” Sarah exclaimed.

    Dallas began to walk off. He faced back, pulling the Ultra Ball that held Gyarados from his pocket. “Bye, thanks for the battle!”

    “Seeya!” Sarah and Dennis called.

    “Kids,” Russel began, “Let’s get back to the house for lunch, I have some delicious rice cooking. For a treat, let’s take the boat back.”

    Kakari rolled his eyes.

    *

    Kakari stepped out of the shower, feeling refreshed. He pulled the curtains in his room and the dark sky vanished from view. He lay back on his bed and sighed.

    “Mienfoo, how are we going to do this?”

    There was no answer.

    “How are I ever going to be the best Hoia in the world at this rate? I mean, there are already two people better than me.”

    Mienfoo gave him a ‘stop moaning about it and start training harder look.

    “Okay then, wake me up when you get up and I’ll train with you and Meditite. You’ve got to show me how to use Protect.”

    Mienfoo nodded and placed her head back down on the pillow. She opened one of her eyes, Kakari’s head still hung over from the top bunk.

    “What?” Mienfoo asked.

    “Can’t you use that move Aura Sphere?”

    “I can, but I haven’t mastered it. It is a technique that has to be taught now good night, we’re getting up early.”

    Kakari’s mind jolted, then did a backflip. “What did you just say?”

    “MIEN!” she growled and for once slept under the covers, pulling them up over her face.

    “Women,” Kakari sighed before falling into a deep sleep, dreaming of victory.

    END OF TRAINING CAMP DAY FOUR
    Lol.

  6. #31
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    Sorry for the late reply. :/ Been pretty busy.
    It’s eyes were squinted tightly in pain.
    No apostrophe.
    The boy rushed forward at the tired Lucario. The Pokemon could barely raise its arms in attempt to parry the roundhouse kick to the face. The part steel type fainted at the single blow as it‘s head was twisted, causing its brain to touch the side of its skull. Instant knockout.
    Same.
    Mienfoo gave him a ‘stop moaning about it and start training harder look.
    Forgot to close the quotation mark.

    I liked the perspective that portrayed Trainers as more cowardly slave drivers than anything. However, shouldn't the trainer have been a bit more surprised at the Hoia's unique battling style?

    It was rice, as had every other meal so far been. The Hoia and Russel sat around the table. Sarah poked and prodded the fluffy grains like a grumpy child. Her face was more screwed up than a paper bag in an avalanche. Kakari silently chuckled to himself.
    This was funny. I actually love white rice. I could probably live on the stuff lol.

    Excellent work!
    I'll be online on weekends, mostly, and as often as I can.

    Greetings from the asylum of my insanity.
    Chapter 3: Should be up by December 31st.

    Dex: 128 created! ~ My DeviantART link to be posted here...once I actually post something on my DeviantART. =P

  7. #32
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    Ahaha! You're back, and with dopey apostrophe corrections! (The dopiness belonging to me of course.)

    I liked the perspective that portrayed Trainers as more cowardly slave drivers than anything. However, shouldn't the trainer have been a bit more surprised at the Hoia's unique battling style?
    I see what you mean. I was focusing too much on the Hoia's perspective. However, what trainers think of Hoia will be expanded on in the next part (after the training camp) when more trainers are encountered. Dallas is just a taste of what their interactions will be like!

    This was funny. I actually love white rice. I could probably live on the stuff lol.
    Me too! I love white rice but quite a few of my friends can't stand it which confuses me. o_0 Sarah is a bit of a snob when it comes to food though. But don't blame her, blame her parents.

    Thanks so much for commenting. It's really inspiring when people read your work!
    Lol.

  8. #33
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    I really do hate to say this, but I'm afraid that I'm going to have to catch mistakes here. The words in bold will be the places of the errors.

    Quote Originally Posted by moonlightning View Post
    The waves broke on the shore coughing white mucus bubbles around Kakari’s ankles. The boy shivered, his face white with cold. Mienfoo punched him playfully in the thigh. The Pokemon’s tail quivered in the early morning air. Beside them Sarah hopped from foot to foot in the shallow swell.
    You need commas between the words. If you need to separate fragments, use a comma.

    Jeez it’s so cold here!” she complained. “Why couldn’t we just drive into town and swim in a pool!"
    Comma with the first two words. I think you should have used a question mark instead of an exclaimation point, as it seemed like more of a question than a statement.

    Him and his Poliwrath have already gone,” Sarah pouted, “Both of them are really confident swimmers. Are you sure we should be doing this?”
    Um...I think that you should use "he" instead.

    The man answered by diving into the water, his swimming shorts disappearing into a wave. With a sigh Sarah followed after and Meditite too. Soon it was only Kakari and Mienfoo left.
    This sentence is rather choppy. I think this example might work better:

    With a sigh, Sarah dove into the water, her Meditite following.

    The limb collapsed and he slammed into the freezing water. His teeth hurt and every part of his body went numb. Mienfoo splashed out into the water. With gasps of sea water mixed with oxygen he swam out after his partner Pokémon.
    Comma.

    It almost doesn’t seem to fit on the island! It goes so high, and all this time it was hiding behind the cliffs of Keldio bay . . .
    Capitalize "bay", since it's a specific place.

    Suddenly Kakari’s arm hit something. With a jolt he realised it was the sandy floor of the beach. The boy hauled himself up and immediately the wind hit him. It was a warm day, but the cool water was enough to make him shiver. Russel tossed his a towel.
    The first two bolded parts need commas, and you need to change the third word into "him".

    “I came in early this morning,” Russell explained, pointing to a small motorboat. The dingy was secured to the shore with a piece of rope tied around a rock.
    This is a common misspelling. You want the word "dinghy".

    Kakari immediately looked downward, there was nothing unusual going on there. Then what could it be? He felt suddenly cool as a large shadow blocked out the sun behind him.
    You might want to consider adding the word "but" after the comma.

    “MIEN!” Mienfoo cried. The message was obvious; run.
    I see what you're doing, but you want a colon instead of a semi-colon.

    A teenager dressed in forestry gear slid off the side of the Pokémon. He pulled a small sphere from his pocket and enlarged it with the press of a button. Holding the black, yellow and white sphere toward the Gyarados he returned it with a flash of red light and a horrible sucking sound.
    Comma.

    “Hmm,” the boy though, “Well . . . luckily for you, I happen to have two fighting type Pokémon with me!”
    I know that you want the word "thought", but I truly think that something like "murmured" or "muttered" would work a lot better.

    The name’s Dallas Logger. Go Hitmonlee, Lucario!”
    This isn't a grammatical error, but I think that Dallas should've introduced himself when he first met them.

    Dallas threw a brown and white yellow striped ball into the air. I exploded with an unnatural flare of pure white light. From the depths of the heavenly glow a brown humanoid Pokémon appeared. Its legs were springy and long, it whipped them around in a few warm-up kicks. Its eyes were set deep into its head was fused to its body which gave the impression that it missed a neck.
    ...Unless Kakari spontaneously combusted, I believe you want "it" instead. You need a comma between the two bolded words, and the last two sentences were choppy. Try to split them up.

    The Pokemon coiled their legs, sometimes the first few seconds of a Pokémon Match were the most crucial.
    Is the last part even necessary? It seemed more like info-dumping than anything.

    The Pokémon formed a ball of energy between its paws. As it hit the ground it released the sphere toward Dennis. The lanky boy executed a crisp dive-roll to the side. The orb of pulsing light followed him, crashing into him with a mighty crack and sending him tumbling across the sand like a rag doll. He was by the corner of the square.
    Comma.

    Enraged at the damage dealt to his partner, the Poliwrath charged in close to the Hitmonlee and reached between its swift legs. With one arm through it twisted its hips and performed an Overhead Throw technique. The Hitmonlee landed out of the arena onto the sand in a head of tangled limbs.
    Okay, there are a few things that are wrong. I thought that you mentioned that the partner Pokemon were always the opposite gender of the Hoia. So, why are you calling Poliwrath "he" and "it"? Poliwrath's female. I'm not exactly certain what you want to do with that bolded part. Is Poliwrath throwing Hitmonlee or is she grappling first and then throwing?

    The Lucario brought its hands back, at a safe distance from Poliwrath and Dennis. It released the orb of spiralling blue energy. It whipped toward Dennis, lifting sand off the ground in its wake. Dennis closed his eyes and looked away.
    Spiraling should only have one "l".

    The Lucario’s strange organs on the sides of its head rose. It closed its eyes and pulled both paws to the sides of its chest. Twin orbs of energy formed. It opened its eyes sharply, they were blazing with orange light. The orbs shot off the Lucario’s palms, the Pokémon skidded back along the sand from the kickback. The orbs spiralled around each other like planets. They homed straight in on Dennis. His eyes widened. The attack had the potential to cause serious injury.
    Same misspelled word as the one above.

    “Great work Dennis!” Sarah said, pulling him in for a hug.
    Comma.

    Sarah and Dennis. They’re so talented. I . . . I’m having doubts now. I always thought I could try my best to be the best but there’s more to it now . . .
    Comma.

    He held out a small wad of cash. Dennis looked at it confused. “We didn’t bet any money did we?”
    You might want to use "in confusion" instead of "confused". You also want a comma between the bolded words.

    “No, but it is customary that the losing trainer pays the winner. A small amount but a reward nonetheless.” Dallas explained.
    Comma.

    The boy raised a finger into the air, “I have just the thing.”
    You want a period instead of a comma, as Dallas isn't speaking.

    “It’s an Evolite. It boosts the defence of unevolved Pokémon. It’s quite valuable, but now that my Pokémon are fully evolved it’s no use to me anymore.”
    Comma.

    Seeya!” Sarah and Dennis called.
    I don't think that "See ya" is one word.

    “I can, but I haven’t mastered it. It is a technique that has to be taught now good night, we’re getting up early.”
    You might want a period at the end of the bolded word.

    Another thing that I haven't quoted: you're using both "Russel" and "Russell". Which is it?

    Overall, I love Mienfoo's personality. She's probably one of the liveliest characters I've seen in a long while. I particularly liked how Dallas (which is an awesome name) was so dismissive of the Hoia, but was also a gracious loser. I'm kind of hoping that he's in another chapter. This chapter had a good action scene, and I'm really hoping to see how Trainers perceive Hoia.

    I hope you don't mind my nitpicking. I wouldn't keep coming back if I didn't enjoy this story and the direction it was going in.

    Sincerely,

    Mem.
    Last edited by SilentMemento; 19th June 2011 at 2:34 AM.
    CURRENT STORY

    A Time for Everything - Kalos has lived peacefully for far too long, following the ideals of the corrupt. It's time to change that... An AU of X/Y.

  9. #34
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    Thanks Mem! Your corrections are so helpful! I had a feeling that my beta was being lazy but it's my story and I can't blame him.

    Another thing that I haven't quoted: you're using both "Russel" and "Russell". Which is it?
    It's Russell. I will find and replace those. Silly me!

    Overall, I love Mienfoo's personality. She's probably one of the liveliest characters I've seen in a long while. I particularly liked how Dallas (which is an awesome name) was so dismissive of the Hoia, but was also a gracious loser. I'm kind of hoping that he's in another chapter. This chapter had a good action scene, and I'm really hoping to see how Trainers perceive Hoia.
    Mienfoo is one of my favorite characters too. Besides from being my favorite Pokemon and all I really like the way she acts and interacts with Kakari. Dallas is an awesome name so I wouldn't waste it on a character that only appears once. YES! Good action scene. That's what I like to hear. Trainers come into this once the training camp is over. And its nearly over.

    I hope you don't mind my nitpicking. I wouldn't keep coming back if I didn't enjoy this story and the direction it was going in.
    I actually encourage nitpicking. It really makes me happy when I see all the flaws in my work. That way I can improve. I'm glad you're enjoying my story. My beta is getting pretty 'meh' about it so I'm glad some people other than me are enjoying it too!

    EDIT: I feel so spoiled for reviews now. I remember back in WTGC days when I would post chapter and be completely ignored. There must have been some sort of improvement montage between then and now.
    Last edited by moonlightning; 19th June 2011 at 3:28 AM.
    Lol.

  10. #35
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    Default Sorry sorry sorry

    First of all sorry for this being so late BUT I HAVE EXCUSES!

    1. A national martial arts tournament (which required me to fly to get to) in which I nabbed a third place.

    2. Not having internet at home. :/

    But here it is! My beta was being sneaky and tried to slip in a little paragraph with some. . . undesirable contents. I hope I don't miss anything else he may have put in, why is he so tricky today?

    Ugh and it's not very long either. That's okay though, a bit of variation in chapter length is acceptable I guess.


    Chapter Five: A Rival Emerges

    Warm, snug and cozy. The sound of the sea, the cool air and this silky sleeping bag. I could be here all day, all week even. Man I-

    Kakari was jerked out of his restful haze as Mienfoo pulled his sleeping bag. The boy fell off the top bunk and landed hard on his hands and knees.

    “What was that for?” Kakari hissed.

    Oh right, getting up early. Being the best Hoia in Talimar, got it.

    “Sorry Mienfoo, I’m not good with mornings.”

    His partner Pokemon shook her head and handed him his training clothes. She fiddled around with his watch for a moment.

    “What are you - oh wait, you’re setting an alarm aren’t you?”

    Meinfoo pranced out of the room and down the hallway. Kakari ran his hands through his untidy morning hair and wriggled out of his sleeping bag and onto the cold floor. Standing up, he changed into his silky training shorts and a singlet. The boy snuck past the other rooms like a Sneasel. Dennis was snoring loudly and Sarah was awake texting on her phone, her pale face illuminated by the otherworldly glow of her cell-phone.

    Who could she be texting at this time? Oh right, surfers, they wake up early don’t they?

    Kakari walked down the rest of the hall, he stopped with a jolt.

    Sarah.

    I lost to that girl. Mienfoo was strong enough, I let her down. How hard will I have to train before I can win?


    As Kakari exited the rickety building he noticed a dust cloud trailing from the corner of his vision. His neck snapped around focussing his eyes on it. It was approaching along the gravel road that he had arrived five days ago. Kakari skipped forward along the driveway, his heart rate rising. The boy stood by the gate, his hands clenched tightly around the metal bars.

    It’s too late for any more Hoia, this is unacceptable!

    The van slammed on its screeching breaks across the gravel, lifted a huge plume of dust and sprayed small stones everywhere. Kakari squinted and turned away. He heard the sound of a door being slammed. He turned back, breath held and fists clenched even tighter around the bars.

    “Hey Kaka, fancy seeing you here?” a scathing voice called from the falling cloud.

    Kakari shuddered and felt the hairs on his arms stand on end.

    Not you, not now.

    "I thought you quit when you got the pulp beaten out of you by Christie."

    Kakari felt the words bite deep, ripping the layers of time that covered the wound in his mind. He felt it throb, like a physical pain on his chest. Darcy took a step from the dust which had mostly settled. His eyes were slanted inward and his dark arms were folded in an intimating position. As he walked towards Kakari he heaved his large bag and slung the single strap over his shoulder.

    *

    The table had never experienced such an awkward gathering. Kakari stood stiffly, his eyes gazed blearily at the rolling ocean. Sarah prodded the white mush with her fork, texted rapidly under the table. Dennis ate quickly, eager to get away from the situation while Darcy had already eaten and was outside stretching.

    “So you trained with Darcy before Kakari?” Russel asked before shovelling a fork-full of rice into his mouth.

    Kakari nodded, “Yeah, we did karate together since we were nine. I didn’t know he wanted to become a Hoia too, he did really well on his own anyway.”

    “Oh,” Russel said and continued to empty the bowl.

    Tense silence followed, the arrival of the new martial artist had shaken up the Hoia. It had taken long enough for them to band together and they weren’t prepared for another addition to the group.

    “What a jerk!” Sarah yelled, slamming her bowl into the sink. “Honestly, do I look like a maid?”

    She was standing over the bowl, cup and cutlery of Darcy which had been dumped onto the bench. Her blazing eyes poked at Dennis and Kakari, scolding them to disagree with her.

    “O-, of course not!” Dennis stammered.

    “Yeah,” Kakari added.

    “And we’ve got to walk all way the down that forest track to that tablet in the rain to get that tossers partner Pokemon!” the girl screeched.

    She plonked herself down on the couch and returned to her phone, texting furiously in an effort to relieve her anger. Dennis took his bowl to the sink and washed Sarah and Darcy’s dishes in the hot soapy water, placing them in a plastic rack to dry. The cold rain lashed at the windows streaming down the glass like long thick tears.

    Kakari faced the girl infront of him. She was short and had young hopeful eyes. It was the grading for his black belt, his permission to become a Hoia. As the call to begin was sounded they began to circle, their bodies lightly pulsing off the ground. Their bodies were relaxed for maximum speed and devastating power. Her short brown hair curled inwards at the ends and bounced as the martial artists circled.

    The group walked along the leaf littered track. The mournful gales of wet air rattled the damp leaves of the canopy above them. Darcy walked ahead, his stocky frame outlined by the dark bushes ahead.

    The girl lunged forward, her fists flashing. Kakari slipped sideways, raising his guard. A singular roundhouse kick sunk deep into his floating ribs. Her shin caused a screaming alarm in the boy’s nervous system. He lumbered away from the blow as the girl pulled her leg back and twisted again.

    A familiar stone tablet loomed into view in the clearing. Darcy climbed onto it, fixing his spiked hair as he made his way to the centre. Upon reaching the middle he took a deep breath. Neon green light spewed along the tiles, reaching out into the forest with its ghostly tendrils.

    Another kick approached without any time for Kakari to react. The blow twisted his neck and upset his balance. He landed on the ground, bouncing once before attempting to scramble upward. The younger girl was faster, she began stomping on his abdomen with bone shattering blows. Kakari attempted a leg pick but in vain. The aggressive fighter kneed him hard in the jaw. His neck hit the ground hard and all light faded before his eyes.

    From the undergrowth a Pokemon buzzed into the air. It landed heavily on the stone tablet and eyed up Darcy, its huge horn creating a guard between the two fighters. Its arms were short but strong. The Heracross had sharp looking notches on its forearms and its eyes were a urine yellow that glowered at her opponent.

    “A Heracross. . .” Dennis said, eyeing up Meditite. “It’s also resistant to fighting.”

    “Hey Kaka,” Darcy called while circling the Heracross, “Christie taught me a little trick that I can use to defeat this guy. Did you know she gave up martial arts altogether?”

    Heracross was sick of waiting, the impatient Pokemon tore forward along the tablet. Its horn glowed bright white and elongated. Darcy waited like a matador for the final moment. He slipped past and performed a Leg Sweep attack. The Heracross landed face first, its limbs sprawled on the ground.

    “She became an acrobat, in the Knight brothers circus.” Darcy explained. “She didn’t believe in herself as a fighter, I wonder where that puts you?”

    An interested Sarah flicked an intruding eye toward Kakari. His fist clenched tightly, the calluses on his knuckles glowed a bright white. Mienfoo gave him a nudge, her eyes betrayed her emotions. Kakari took a deep breath and the tight knot in his chest loosened somewhat.

    The Heracross learned from its last mistake. It charged again, this time a little slower so it could change direction. Darcy ran forward too, the boy jumped, for a second it looked as though he would be skewered like a boy kebab. The boy twisted in mid-air, his body a master of airborne manoeuvres. With his left hand he grabbed the Pokemon’s horn. With the other he slammed down with a palm thrust between the eyes.

    The resounding crunch made it clear to Kakari that the Pokemon had a glaring weakness to attacks from above. He made a mental note to that fact, the boy swore he saw Sarah doing the same.

    “So Christie taught you how to do some flips?” Kakari said, “Congratulations, can you juggle too?”

    Darcy laughed, folding his arms as the neon green light settled over the dark blue body of the Heracross. “No, but the Acrobat technique is very handy against fighting types, especially Heracross.”

    Dennis turned to talk to Russel, the man’s weathered face was a pale white. The sight of Heracross had brought back a very deep wound, scraping the thin scab that covered it. The instructor was bleeding, Dennis could see it in his eyes.

    “Come on Sensei, let’s get going,” Dennis said.

    The boy put a long arm around the shorter man's shoulder and the group began to walk toward the house. Poliwrath kept its eyes on Heracross who Darcy chatted incessantly.

    Why is Russel so shocked? Darcy isn’t that good is he?

    Mienfoo whispered, “His partner Pokemon died to a Heracross’s Megahorn. No wonder he’s so upset.”

    Kakari nodded before giving the Pokemon a double take. He stared at her as they walked like she was a mental patient screaming for more chilli in her breakfast cereal. The Pokemon rolled her eyes.

    Mien. . .” she moaned in mock agony.

    Kakari gave a playful punch to his partner, for which he received a heavy punch to the guts in response. His laughter was stunted by his spasming abdominals.

    *

    “Last day of training tomorrow,” Dennis said. "Then we're off."

    Kakari looked up, the taller boy leaned against the outer wall of the house. The rain had stopped but the sky remained white. It contorted like a writhing smoke dragon, hissing and spitting occasional bursts of saliva at the ants that scurried below.

    “Yeah,” Kakari replied. “Then we have to get recommendations from at least three of the four dojos in order to participate in the tournament.”

    Kakari sighed, which was a long drawn out affair. Dennis noticed his expression and spoke up.

    “Why are you so depressed?” Dennis asked, “Isn’t this what you always wanted, training to be a Hoia?”

    Kakari turned to him glassy-eyed. There was a loud smashing of glass inside to which followed a loud string of swear words from Sarah, often linked to the name “Darcy”. Poliwrath and Mienfoo were training down on the beach by the frothy swell.

    “Is it?” asked Kakari, “I don’t feel any of this great stuff I was expecting. I guess I was expecting too much, to be great at this from the start.” The boy looked toward the ground. “I didn’t think Darcy would have come, he’s sort of brought a world with him I came her to run away from in the first place.”

    Dennis gave him a pat on the shoulder. “That’s enough angst for you. Come on down to the beach, but bring a mouth-guard. I’ll teach you Protect seeing as Sarah is in one of her moods.”

    Kakari smiled. “Thanks man, I think doing some work is the best thing I can do right now.”

    *

    In a small cove nestled into the side of a cliff in the Terakion mountains an operative lay down, a large black sniper rifle like device aimed toward the small beach house. The woman pressed her eye close to the scope and pointed the tiny orange laser at a fuming girl sitting in a bay window.

    The device read: “Martial Energy Potential: 57%”

    She moved onto a short dark skinned boy who sat silently in his room, a large welt on his forehead. The device responded with a reading of 43%.

    "Nobody here has high enough readings. What are we going to do Espeon?"

    The operative stroked the head of the purple skinny cat-like Pokemon beside her. The Psychic Type raised its ears and alert and nudged the aim of the laser device. Curiously, the woman placed her eye against the scope again and focused the beam on a tall male who was walking toward the beach.

    Martial Energy Potential: 97%

    The woman blinked as she saw the high reading. She took another to be sure and the result was the same. The woman pointed the device at the shorter boy, hoping for an equally fantastic result.

    Martial Energy Potential: 7%

    She snorted in laughter as the reading was given. Whoever this kid was, he wasn’t a martial artist, that’s for sure.

    END OF TRAINING CAMP DAY FIVE






    That's right, on day seven they pack up and leave in the morning. Get ready to say goodbye to the training camp everyone!
    Last edited by moonlightning; 25th July 2011 at 2:39 AM.
    Lol.

  11. #36
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    Yay! A virgin chapter in which to review!
    I'm new to reviewing and I mostly point out style suggestions, hope that's ok.

    Quote Originally Posted by moonlightning View Post

    Chapter Five: A Rival Emerges
    Quote Originally Posted by moonlightning View Post
    The boy fell off the top bunk and landed on his hands and knees hard on the wooden floor.
    Might sound better if you placed "hard" after "landed". It's recomended to place related words as close as possible. Also, you might want to remove or change the position of "on the wooden floor" as it sounds clunky where it stands. So something like this: "The boy fell off the top bunk and landed hard on his hands and knees." might sound better or something similar.
    Quote Originally Posted by moonlightning View Post
    Meinfoo pranced out of the room and down the hallway.
    I can't help but picture prancing Cera here, lol.
    Quote Originally Posted by moonlightning View Post
    Standing up he changed into his silky training shorts and a singlet.
    Might need a comma after "up".
    Quote Originally Posted by moonlightning View Post
    The van slammed on its breaks, screeching across the gravel and lifting a huge plume of dust and spraying small stones everywhere.
    Too many "and"s in one sentence. Either replace the first "and" with a comma or split the sentence in two. An example would be "The van slammed on its screeching breaks across the gravel, lifted a huge plume of dust and sprayed small stones everywhere." or something similar.
    Quote Originally Posted by moonlightning View Post
    “I thought you quit when you ran out of that grading, tail between your legs after getting the pulp beaten out of you by Christie?”
    I learned to stay away from reviewing dialogue but, if I may, suggest its restructuring. Maybe extended it to two sentences so it can hold everything. Or remove a part to make it flow better. Something like "I thought you quit when you got the pulp beaten out of you by Christie."
    Quote Originally Posted by moonlightning View Post
    His short black hair was spiked and a large bag hung from a single strap over his shoulder.
    When possible, a description or character exposition should be weaved through the narrative. Here's an example: "As he walked towards Kakari he heaved his large bag and slung the single strap over his shoulder."
    Quote Originally Posted by moonlightning View Post
    Sarah prodded the white mush with her fork, texting rapidly under the table. Dennis ate quickly, eager to get away from the situation and Darcy had already eaten and was outside stretching.
    Might sound better if replaced "texting" with "and texted". The second sentence would be better split into two or replace "and" with "while".
    Quote Originally Posted by moonlightning View Post
    “And we’ve got to walk all the way down that forest track to that tablet in the rain to get that tossers partner Pokemon!” the girl screeched.
    Left out "way".
    Quote Originally Posted by moonlightning View Post
    The cold rain lashed at the windows streaming down the glass like long thick tears.
    I like this description.
    Quote Originally Posted by moonlightning View Post
    “A Heracross. . .” Dennis said, eyeing up Meditite. “That’s also resistant to fighting.”
    "That's" should be "It's".
    Quote Originally Posted by moonlightning View Post
    Sarah’s eyes flicked toward Kakari, interested and intruding.
    Might sound better if this sentence is re-arranged. "An interested Sarah flicked an intruding eye toward Kakari." is one possibility.
    Quote Originally Posted by moonlightning View Post
    Mienfoo gave him a nudge, her eyes told her emotions.
    The word "told" doesn't sound right here. Replace with another word, and there are many: betrayed, reflected, displayed, etc.
    Quote Originally Posted by moonlightning View Post
    Kakari took a deep breath and the tight knot in her chest loosened somewhat.
    "her" should be "his".
    Quote Originally Posted by moonlightning View Post
    He made a mental note to that fact, the boy swore he saw Sarah doing the same.
    How rude! how dare she think!
    Quote Originally Posted by moonlightning View Post
    “Come on Sensei, let’s get going.” Dennis said.
    That period after "going" should be a comma.
    Quote Originally Posted by moonlightning View Post
    The boy put a long arm around the shorter mans shoulder and the group began to walk toward the house, Poliwrath kept its eyes on Heracross who Darcy chatted too incessantly.
    "mans" should be "man's". You can split this sentence in two, right after "house".
    Quote Originally Posted by moonlightning View Post
    Mienfoo whispered, “His partner Pokemon died to a Heracross’s Megahorn. No wonder he’s so upset.”
    Wow, she can talk!
    Quote Originally Posted by moonlightning View Post
    The woman pressed her eye close to the scope and pointed the tiny orange lazer at a fuming girl sitting in a bay window.
    "lazer" should be "laser", unless that's the way it's spelled where you're from.
    Quote Originally Posted by moonlightning View Post
    The device read: “Martial Energy Potential: 57%”
    Lol, a scouter from Dragon Ball Z.
    Embrace

    A breeder joyously hatches a riolu for a client. To the dismay of the hatchling, the client never returns to claim him. Faced with an abandoned pokémon, the breeder vows to find the riolu's trainer and family.
    (Better banner coming soon.)
    Current - Chapter 1: The Client.

    Coming up - Re-writing Chapter 2

        Spoiler:- 4th Gen Eggmove (Any Nature/Gender):

  12. #37
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    Yay! A virgin chapter in which to review!
    I'm new to reviewing and I mostly point out style suggestions, hope that's ok.
    That's fine. I love nitpicking because it show all of my derps and forces me to focus on better quality writing.

    Might sound better if you placed "hard" after "landed". It's recomended to place related words as close as possible. Also, you might want to remove or change the position of "on the wooden floor" as it sounds clunky where it stands. So something like this: "The boy fell off the top bunk and landed hard on his hands and knees." might sound better or something similar.
    Uh huh, I see what you mean there. Keeping the writing flowing nicely is important to me so I'm happy to take your advice. That sounds really good, having an example helps a lot.

    I can't help but picture prancing Cera here, lol.
    Ahaha, I wasn't thinking of that meme although I have heard of it before.

    Might need a comma after "up".
    You're right again. I need to fuse you and my beta reader together!

    Too many "and"s in one sentence. Either replace the first "and" with a comma or split the sentence in two. An example would be "The van slammed on its screeching breaks across the gravel, lifted a huge plume of dust and sprayed small stones everywhere." or something similar.
    Your sentence sounds so good! (Stealing it!) Sorry for spamming ands everywhere, I'm now mortified of commas because of how I used to (hopefully) butcher them.

    I learned to stay away from reviewing dialogue but, if I may, suggest its restructuring. Maybe extended it to two sentences so it can hold everything. Or remove a part to make it flow better. Something like "I thought you quit when you got the pulp beaten out of you by Christie."
    Feel free to review dialogue. Any points are helpful. Your sentence sounds so much better than mine again! If I died today and you took over I'm fairly sure it would be better.

    When possible, a description or character exposition should be weaved through the narrative. Here's an example: "As he walked towards Kakari he heaved his large bag and slung the single strap over his shoulder."
    Yeah, I'm dumping description again. Thanks for the heads up on that, it's being revised.

    Might sound better if replaced "texting" with "and texted". The second sentence would be better split into two or replace "and" with "while".
    You're right, texting has a kind of present tense feel to it. While fits perfectly in that slot, thanks.

    Left out "way".
    I blame an accidental backspace! (More like a shocking proof-read )

    I like this description.
    It was raining hardcore at the time so I took inspiration from the window beside me. I'm glad you liked it!

    "That's" should be "It's".
    Yes it should, fixing.

    Might sound better if this sentence is re-arranged. "An interested Sarah flicked an intruding eye toward Kakari." is one possibility.
    Yeah, I'm wording things really strangely in this chapter. I'm going to have to be a bit more picky when it comes to editing.

    The word "told" doesn't sound right here. Replace with another word, and there are many: betrayed, reflected, displayed, etc.
    Ooh, betrayed. That could also be foreshadowing. . .

    "her" should be "his".
    Unless he had a sudden sex change operation and reverted it back during narration. Haha, or its a massive plot twist. Thanks for that correction.

    How rude! how dare she think!
    He was more annoyed that they were thinking the same thing.

    That period after "going" should be a comma.
    I thought I had dialogue wrangled out properly, oh well time to fix it up. The rest hasn't been commented on so I'm assuming it was perfect.

    "mans" should be "man's". You can split this sentence in two, right after "house".
    You're right again. Fix fix fix.

    Wow, she can talk!
    Haha, no she can't. Kakari can just understand her for brief moments before she goes back to Poke' Speak. Maybe conversations will develop once they become more closely bonded?

    "lazer" should be "laser", unless that's the way it's spelled where you're from.
    It can be spelled either way where I come from, but I'll change it just for you.

    Lol, a scouter from Dragon Ball Z.
    Lol, I thought I was being original. She does have another device which is semi-original- wait I just realised it resembles something else in Dragon Ball Z. Now I'm realising this whole fic resembles Dragon Ball Z. Now I'm realising parts of the plot are similar to Dragon Ball Z. Oh well, DBZ is awesome.

    Thanks so much for your comments! I thought everyone had gotten sick of me and this story but it seems that my reviewers are there just when I need them to pick me up! Thanks Drippy!
    Lol.

  13. #38
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    Quote Originally Posted by moonlightning View Post
    Your sentence sounds so good! (Stealing it!) Sorry for spamming ands everywhere, I'm now mortified of commas because of how I used to (hopefully) butcher them.
    Go right ahead
    Quote Originally Posted by moonlightning View Post
    If I died today and you took over I'm fairly sure it would be better.
    Thanks for the compliment but I doubt that very much, I'm a terrible writer :P.
    Quote Originally Posted by moonlightning View Post
    Ooh, betrayed. That could also be foreshadowing. . .
    Can't wait to see where this foreshadowing points to.
    Quote Originally Posted by moonlightning View Post
    He was more annoyed that they were thinking the same thing.
    Ah, I see.
    Quote Originally Posted by moonlightning View Post
    Haha, no she can't. Kakari can just understand her for brief moments before she goes back to Poke' Speak. Maybe conversations will develop once they become more closely bonded?
    Now I see, that's why he looked down at her in surprise.
    Quote Originally Posted by moonlightning View Post
    It can be spelled either way where I come from, but I'll change it just for you.
    Don't worry about it, it actually looks cooler with a "z"
    Quote Originally Posted by moonlightning View Post
    Now I'm realising this whole fic resembles Dragon Ball Z. Now I'm realising parts of the plot are similar to Dragon Ball Z. Oh well, DBZ is awesome.
    I'm glad you realized this, it will help you organize your ideas better (and rule out anything too cliché).
    Quote Originally Posted by moonlightning View Post
    Thanks so much for your comments! I thought everyone had gotten sick of me and this story but it seems that my reviewers are there just when I need them to pick me up! Thanks Drippy!
    No prob, and I'm sure you have many readers. I just happen to be the first to see your new chapter.
    Embrace

    A breeder joyously hatches a riolu for a client. To the dismay of the hatchling, the client never returns to claim him. Faced with an abandoned pokémon, the breeder vows to find the riolu's trainer and family.
    (Better banner coming soon.)
    Current - Chapter 1: The Client.

    Coming up - Re-writing Chapter 2

        Spoiler:- 4th Gen Eggmove (Any Nature/Gender):

  14. #39
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    Jul 2010
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    389

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    His neck snapped around focussing his eyes on it.
    "Focusing" has one s.
    “And we’ve got to walk all way the down that forest track to that tablet in the rain to get that tossers partner Pokemon!” the girl screeched.
    I think you need an apostrophe after the r.
    Kakari faced the girl infront of him.
    Spacing error.
    Heracross was sick of waiting, the impatient Pokemon tore forward along the tablet.
    Should be a semicolon. You shouldn't use a comma when the two fragments can be separate sentences.
    “Is it?” asked Kakari, “I don’t feel any of this great stuff I was expecting. I guess I was expecting too much, to be great at this from the start.” The boy looked toward the ground. “I didn’t think Darcy would have come, he’s sort of brought a world with him I came her to run away from in the first place.”
    *Here
    The woman blinked as she saw the high reading. She took another to be sure and the result was the same. The woman pointed the device at the shorter boy, hoping for an equally fantastic result.

    Martial Energy Potential: 7%

    She snorted in laughter as the reading was given. Whoever this kid was, he wasn’t a martial artist, that’s for sure.
    XD

    Wow, training camp is almost over! I'm excited to see what's next, and the interactions between Mienfoo and Kakari are funny. Keep it up!
    I'll be online on weekends, mostly, and as often as I can.

    Greetings from the asylum of my insanity.
    Chapter 3: Should be up by December 31st.

    Dex: 128 created! ~ My DeviantART link to be posted here...once I actually post something on my DeviantART. =P

  15. #40
    Join Date
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    "Focusing" has one s.
    Does it? I was wondering with that one. Maybe it's a regional thing? I'll look it up. . .

    I think you need an apostrophe after the r.
    I do!

    Spacing error.
    Insert picture of confused looking Psyduck wondering how I missed that.

    Should be a semicolon. You shouldn't use a comma when the two fragments can be separate sentences.
    Again, I agree. This is significantly less errors than in When The Grave Calls isn't it? I remember one review of KJT was just pages and pages of grammar mistakes. XD

    *Here
    Haha, silly me.

    XD
    Don't forget this, it's really important later on.

    Wow, training camp is almost over! I'm excited to see what's next, and the interactions between Mienfoo and Kakari are funny. Keep it up!
    Thanks! I'm really happy I got two reviews and I'm five chapters in! Most of my readers usually drop off by now :\

    It's funny how this fic gets more reviews than my collab fic that gets a million times more work and discussion into it. I just hope people are reading because the like the concept!

    Thanks again Gastlyman!
    Lol.

  16. #41
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    I could've sworn that I've reviewed this before, but a quick scan over the thread suggests that I indeed haven't . . . it probably just seems that way, considering that I beta it

    I'm lovin' the concept of matches. It's good to see Hoia, as opposed to trainers, getting in on the action rather than just giving commands. It's also cool that Hoia have the capacity to use Pokemon moves, it makes it that little bit more interesting.

    The interaction between Kakari n' Meinfoo is cool, she really doesn't put up with him, does she? Yanking him out o' bed like that . . . I'm just curious as to how a Pokemon has the ability to set an alarm clock. Did Meinfoo in fact have a trainer previous to Kakari? Anyways, its cool that Meinfoo can "talk" to Kakari - I say "talk" 'cause I'm thinking it might be telepathy . . . or is it just the bond between Hoia n' Pokemon?

    As for the other characters . . . Dennis is just . . . well, not interesting enough to me for me to remember anything worth mentioning :\ As for Sarah, she's pretty kickass, and I like how ya paired her with a Meditite. I'm thinkin' that Russel's loss of his partner's gonna come back n' be rather significant . . . and if you're wanting us to hate on Darcy, good job! TBH I thought that Darcy's get Combusken, the Pokemon that Kakari so dearly wanted.

    Plot wise, I suppose there's not much plot to be had with training camp. Just training and more training . . . and random stuff. Just a thought though: won't Darcy be behind the other Hoia considering he missed the first four days? I'm looking forward as to how "The Four Dojo o' Talimar" is going to be handled, "A Coffee Break With The Devil" is an especially interesting title.

    Oh, and you're description is quite good. The only complaint I have is that when you mention some terms, like solar plexus, I have absolutely no idea what ya mean!

    So yup . . . I'd say put me on the PM list, but considering I'm the beta it's a bit redundant
    ┓┏ 凵 =╱⊿┌┬┐

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