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Thread: Knight, Madame [T] [OneShot]

  1. #1
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    Default Knight, Madame [T] [OneShot]

    Knight, Madame






    I would never forget my master. I couldn't have hoped for a more gentle, kind, and loving person to be my trainer. He always took care of me. He made sure I didn't go hungry, even when he was starving himself; he always gave me the last of the water canteen; he would let me rest sometimes while he kept walking.

    Not once did he do anything cruel to me. We were the best of friends, and he loved me more than his own family. He didn't deserve this.

    I remember the day he found me. I was just a Ralts back then, young, immature, and naďve about the world. I was such a prankster back then. I would spend hours upon hours just thinking of ways to bug passersby. Sometimes I would drop berries on their heads, sometimes I would steal things out of their packs, sometimes I would just make some weird noises and scare them at night. My own mother told me that one day I'd get caught in my own trap. I never believed her.

    She was right.

    One day, I had been scaring passing trainers by making whirring noises with a vine that I tied between two trees and vibrating it with my powers. Unfortunately one of them noticed me and knocked me over with a rock. I ended up hanging upside down, all tangled in the vine.

    I remember thinking that day that I was done for. No one was coming to help me; I think I kept people away with my cries. I was there for hours, and as my vision faded away from the blood draining to my head, I saw a figure rushing towards me. I was gone before it got close.

    I woke up later to find that night had fallen. I was warm, warmer than I should have been, hanging from the vine. But then, I no longer felt a steady pom-pom of blood pounding in my head. When I looked around, I saw a fire. The soft flickers of the dancing flames made me feel at ease, and I suddenly felt overwhelmingly tired. I remember feeling gentle arms lift me up and cradle me as I drifted off once more.

    The next day, he brought me back to my mother, who let me go with him. He kept me in a Luxury Ball, but he let me stay outside most of the time.

    Not long after that, I evolved into a Kirlia. I was so happy, I was stronger and could help Master out more. We spent more and more time playing than training; he must have known I didn't really need it.

    But, whenever we went into a town, people would talk. “Ew, look!” “Oh, he's one of them.” It made me so angry that people could judge us without even knowing us! But Master always calmed me down.

    “Don't listen to them,” he would tell me. “They don't know us, they don't understand.”

    I tried not to let them bother me. It was so hard. I couldn't stand having them talk so badly about Master. He loved me, and who were they to say that's wrong, and accuse us of doing such terrible things?

    I thought I had my feelings under control. But I've been wrong before; this was one of those times. While Master was buying some potions, some fat, greasy kid came up to us. He smelled horrible, like he hadn't showered in days. He hopped around, pointing at me, laughing, and shouting, “Fur-***, fur-***!”

    I couldn't take it anymore. All of my pent up rage flew out of me as I attacked him mercilessly. I wasn't very strong physically, but I backed my hits with so much psychic energy, I doubt a professional wrestler would have been able to withstand my fury.

    I don't remember much about that day. Most of what I know is just what my master told me, which wasn't much. All I know was that his parents decided not to press charges; they must have thought he deserved it, too.

    After that day, Master usually kept me in my ball when we went into town.

    “I just don't want you to get upset,” he would say. “I don't like it when you're sad.”

    He wouldn't like me right now.

    I didn't evolve again for a couple years. He was so happy for me, he threw me a huge party. All of his friends and their Pokemon came. It was a blast. But I knew we would just be judged even more. That's why, even though he began to let me stay outside of my ball whenever I wanted, I insisted on being inside whenever other people were around. I loved my master too much to have him be ridiculed by so many people.

    The next few years were the happiest ones of my life. We traveled far and wide, battling and training. There was no one who could stand up to us. We went from Hoenn to Johto, from Johto to Kanto, and we even spent some time in Sinnoh. He caught many others as we went, fleshing out his team quite nicely, but I was always at the top.

    All good things must come to an end. We tried challenging a League, but we didn't get far. He was getting too old. He was still young, but he didn't have the energy to train, travel, and battle, all in one day. We settled for just traveling. Seeing the sights, visiting landmarks, and generally having a good time.

    One time, we went mountain climbing. I don't remember where it was; the whole thing was painful enough as it is. My body wasn't really suited for climbing, so he had to help me around a lot. We had come to a particularly rough place when I fell. I managed to slow myself down enough that I wasn't killed upon impact, but I did get badly injured. I remember hearing a sharp crack, like a tree branch falling in the woods. My eyes swam with tears as pain, first fiery, then icy shot up through my side. I couldn't focus on anything; my head was spinning and it felt like I was bleeding out. I gazed toward the sky, the clouds a bunch of dusty puddles, as he called my name and begged me to hold on. I knew he would help me, and that was the only thing letting me hold on.

    It was just our luck, then, that we happened to be in an Absol's territory. I only knew it was there from its growling, guttural and ragged. It must not have known Master was coming, because it took its good time advancing upon me. As jagged as my senses were, I could feel the faint thud every time he brought a paw down to the earth, I could taste the rotten stench on his breath every time it washed over my face. This wasn't a normal Absol. He was feral.

    My mind wasn't working right. I couldn't summon the energy needed to make quick work of him. All it would have taken was a single Focus Blast, but alas, the power escaped me. I think it finally decided the anticipation was enough, because it leaped toward me with a fearsome howl that rocked the jagged crags around the mountainside. It was at that moment that Master dropped down in front of me. The Absol missed its target, instead striking my master. I can still remember the scream that tore from his lips, sucking the warmth from the air as the Absol's scythe struck him right through the gut. The blade sunk all the way through his body. That Absol didn't care. It just wanted to eat. It flung him to the side, maiming him even further. Of all things, it was a few drops of his blood splattering on my face that gave me the final energy to summon an orb of energy from deep within my body.

    I'm pretty sure I utterly destroyed the Absol. Nothing could have stopped the supercharged energy from doing its job. I didn't stop to make sure. It took all the will I had to crawl over to Master's motionless body and teleport us out of there.



    It was too late. Nothing could have healed the injury he took that day. The doctors didn't have medicine powerful enough, or technology skilled enough, to save his life.

    It was all my fault. I was supposed to be his guardian angel, but he reversed the roles. Now I have no one left to protect.

    And then I stood in front of his casket at the funeral home. I was the only Pokemon there. I knew the only reason they let me be there was because he cared so much about me. I could barely bring myself to stay under their scrutinizing gazes. But I had to. I had to say goodbye. I would never get another chance.

    I don't know where to go, anymore. His family wants nothing to do with me. I can't blame them. They thought I had corrupted him, and I have no doubt they held me responsible for his death.

    I have nowhere to go. Nowhere to hide from the guilt that wracks my entire being. It would be so easy to let myself go, to give up on this world. The only thing that holds me here is knowing that he loved me. But everyday, I can feel myself slipping...
    Last edited by disclaimer065; 22nd January 2011 at 12:35 AM.

  2. #2
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    he always let me rest sometimes while he kept walking.
    One or the other.

    I would spend hours upon hours just thinking of ways to bug with passersby.
    No need for the "with."

    I ended up hanging upside down, all tangled in the vine.

    I remember thinking that day that I was done for.
    An odder nitpick but I found it kind of weird that the trainers would leave something as rare as a ralts hanging there without trying to catch it. Also, how come the ralts couldn't use its powers to untangle itself?

    Yeah, yeah, that would derail the plot. =P

    The next day, He brought me back to my mother, who let me go with him.
    Un-capitalize the "he."

    “Don't listen to them,” he would tell me, “They don't know us, they don't understand.”
    [...]

    “I just don't want you to get upset,” he would say, “I don't like it when you're sad.”
    Both commas in red should be periods.

    Pretty stuff. Your forte for writing seems to be first person narrative, especially retrospective pieces. I believed everything your narrator was saying was important to her in some way, whether because it was a touching memory of her master or effected her emotionally angrily or happily or sadly. The pacing was also nice; it wasn't bogged down with a flood of memories but wasn't skimp either. Every memory seemed relevant to the final build up, illustrating the deep emotional bond the two shared and how destructive it was once it was torn apart (literally and metaphorically). The ending seemed a bit unfinished and lingered awkwardly, though I think that's what you were going for.

    I am a bit confused on their relationship and the scolding/mocking looks they get from others.

    But, whenever we went into a town, people would talk. “Ew, look!” “Oh, he's one of them.” It made me so angry that people could judge us without even knowing us! But Master always calmed me down.

    “Don't listen to them,” he would tell me, “They don't know us, they don't understand.”
    I'm not sure what you're ... getting at. I don't think it's the trainer-pokemon bond since you reference other trainers and the league, so I figured maybe it's more of a ... lover relationship? The title kind of alludes to that (knight protecting his madame and whatnot). But then that's kind of weird, too, since I'm not sure how onlookers would assume something like that just by looking at a pokemon following her trainer. Not unless this is a world where it's really, really freaky that a pokemon is let out of its ball outside of battle ...? Then I thought maybe people are just freaking out that a trainer is friends with his pokemon and actually seems to care for her, but even then I found that peculiar seeing as luxury balls are present. And if this is a time where luxury balls are around, it must mean that other people thought of the idea of pokemon being more than just animals to battle with, no?

    So ... which one is it? o.O I'm going to say it's a mix of the friendship aspect and lover aspect (the censored fur-*** ... is the censored part another f word?), but, again I'm not sure why bystanders would assume that there's something more than friendship going on ... not unless I missed some description somewhere. Either way, that taboo, whatever it is, seems to be one of the main points of the story and how the two, despite the negative responses from strangers and family alike, didn't care. It might help if you clarified it a bit more in the story ... if it's important, anyway. It's still a well-written piece, but I was a bit distracted trying to unravel what was going on. =P

  3. #3
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    Quote Originally Posted by Breezy View Post
    One or the other.

    No need for the "with."
    Fixed.

    An odder nitpick but I found it kind of weird that the trainers would leave something as rare as a ralts hanging there without trying to catch it. Also, how come the ralts couldn't use its powers to untangle itself?

    Yeah, yeah, that would derail the plot. =P
    Well, I said that she scared them off with her cries. That's why they left her there; they didn't even get close enough to know what it was. I was also thinking that, as a Ralts, it wouldn't really have the greatest control or precision with its powers. I mean, all she did was pick things up and make something vibrate, neither of which (theoretically) would require much effort. Untying a knot, on the other hand, would require much more dexterity.

    That's what I think, anyway.

    Un-capitalize the "he."

    Both commas in red should be periods.
    Also fix'd.

    Pretty stuff. Your forte for writing seems to be first person narrative, especially retrospective pieces. I believed everything your narrator was saying was important to her in some way, whether because it was a touching memory of her master or effected her emotionally angrily or happily or sadly. The pacing was also nice; it wasn't bogged down with a flood of memories but wasn't skimp either. Every memory seemed relevant to the final build up, illustrating the deep emotional bond the two shared and how destructive it was once it was torn apart (literally and metaphorically). The ending seemed a bit unfinished and lingered awkwardly, though I think that's what you were going for.
    Ironically, it's my least favorite way to write. I mean, I don't minding writing in first person, but I prefer to do third person where possible. And yes, that was exactly what I was going for.

    I am a bit confused on their relationship and the scolding/mocking looks they get from others.

    I'm not sure what you're ... getting at. I don't think it's the trainer-pokemon bond since you reference other trainers and the league, so I figured maybe it's more of a ... lover relationship? The title kind of alludes to that (knight protecting his madame and whatnot). But then that's kind of weird, too, since I'm not sure how onlookers would assume something like that just by looking at a pokemon following her trainer. Not unless this is a world where it's really, really freaky that a pokemon is let out of its ball outside of battle ...? Then I thought maybe people are just freaking out that a trainer is friends with his pokemon and actually seems to care for her, but even then I found that peculiar seeing as luxury balls are present. And if this is a time where luxury balls are around, it must mean that other people thought of the idea of pokemon being more than just animals to battle with, no?

    So ... which one is it? o.O I'm going to say it's a mix of the friendship aspect and lover aspect (the censored fur-*** ... is the censored part another f word?), but, again I'm not sure why bystanders would assume that there's something more than friendship going on ... not unless I missed some description somewhere. Either way, that taboo, whatever it is, seems to be one of the main points of the story and how the two, despite the negative responses from strangers and family alike, didn't care. It might help if you clarified it a bit more in the story ... if it's important, anyway. It's still a well-written piece, but I was a bit distracted trying to unravel what was going on. =P
    It's sort of a... response, or backlash, or whatever you want to call it, at how some places you go, you can't like Gardevoir (or Lucario, or Lopunny, etc.) without being called a furry. Granted it mostly only happens in the darker corners of the internet, but it happens nonetheless. So, given your average Pokeworld, most people would not act like that, but it was critical to making my point.


    Thanks for the review!

  4. #4
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    It's sort of a... response, or backlash, or whatever you want to call it, at how some places you go, you can't like Gardevoir (or Lucario, or Lopunny, etc.) without being called a furry. Granted it mostly only happens in the darker corners of the internet, but it happens nonetheless. So, given your average Pokeworld, most people would not act like that, but it was critical to making my point.
    I get what you mean and what you're trying to do, but I feel like your point--of traveling around with an anthropomorphic creature and being stigmatized for it--could have been stressed more during the actual story. It's a point that you, admittedly, said was more of an idea that comes from the "darker corners of the Internet" so I'm not sure how you think your average reader would jump to that conclusion. Currently, it kind of reads that society has some problem with ANY type of pokemon following its trainer around outside its ball and treating it more than as a tool of war, and the human character just has a pokemon with anthropomorphic characteristics (which adds fuel to the fire but isn't the fire itself). I mean, that sort of point still works with the story (sort of -- it's still questionable) but it isn't your point.

    Establishing that it is taboo in this fic's society would benefit the story and clear up the vagueness of what the exact taboo is. You might need to stress the point a bit more that it's a certain type of pokemon rather than just pokemon overall.
    Last edited by Breezy; 22nd January 2011 at 3:57 AM. Reason: typos galore!

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