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Thread: PMD: Sentience

  1. #1
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    Default PMD: Sentience

    Hello, everyone! This is Kukansis, and I'm a very new face to both Serebii and Fan Fiction. This is one of two stories I thought up after a conversation with Knightfall back when I first joined this forum.

    This thread will just be for Sentience and its relative chapters. Both it and my other story will share this opening prologue, however, as they will be connected in a few ways.

    It will have some violent scenes, including some descriptions of blood and wounds, but will for the most part be mild.

    So, may I present: Pokémon Mystery Dungeon: Sentience
    ___________________________

    Prologue: Blaze Town

    “Hey, wake up, Charmander!”

    Charmander slowly opened his eyes to see who had disturbed him. He blinked a couple of times before his vision returned. He turned and saw that it was a Cyndaquil, barely visible by the fires on his back, that had woken him.

    “What’s going on?” he asked groggily as he rose to his feet, propping himself on a nearby rock to avoid falling back over.

    “Infernape’s says he’s got something important to tell us all!” the Cyndaquil exclaimed.

    Charmander rubbed his forehead with his free hand as he sighed. “Infernape? Doesn't that guy always have something ‘important’ to say?”

    A small fire shot out of the rodent’s back. Charmander had knew that it was a sign of either fear or nervousness; he’d been with this Cyndaquil, Robb, for most of his life. Robb responded after the sparking flame dissipated. “Well, yeah... but this time, I think it’s different. Most of the town is coming out to see him.”

    “Haven’t we already dealt with him enough? He’s been spouting nonsense for-”

    “Aw, come on, Charmander!” Robb interrupted as another small blaze lit on his back. “It’s not like you have anything else to do!”

    Charmander shook his head, but it was true. He had nothing else planned. “Alright, fine, I’ll come along... Just give me a minute to wake up, alright?” Charmander finally released his grip on the rock that had been supporting him.

    Robb grinned and nodded. “Sure! Meet you outside, okay?”

    Before Charmander could even muster a response, Robb was off. That kid... He really needs to grow up sometime soon... That, or I need to learn to act my own age. Charmander yawned and stretched out his back. He turned and moved his tail ahead of him, allowing him to see in the near pitch-black darkness of his home, a simple and barren cave made of black volcanic rock. The walls were jagged and rough, the floor was not much better, and the ceiling was completely lost in shadow. He looked over at his sleeping spot: a small smooth section of the rocks. Everything was as he had found it. Alright, nothing’s out of the ordinary. Time to catch up with Robb.

    Charmander started walking off through the darkness of his cave. All that greeted him on his way out were more jagged black rocks, a few of which were high enough to trip him. He had long since learned where they were and knew just when and how to avoid them. Before long, he ran into Robb, still in the cave and moving very slowly, if at all. “Hey, thought you said you’d meet me outside!” Charmander taunted.

    If Robb’s back had not already been ablaze to light his path, it would have flared brightly from embarrassment. He spun around and faced Charmander before responding. “I-I was going to, but your cave is just so hard to navigate, and-”

    Robb stopped when he heard Charmander laughing. “I’m joking with you, Robb, I get it. Though I don’t think you mean ‘navigate’. It is a straight line of a tunnel.”

    “Yeah, but how do you even see where you’re going in here?” Robb asked, frowning. “Everything is the same stupid shade of black.”

    “It’s a learning process.” Charmander chuckled once more. “How did you even reach me down there?”

    “I... don’t know.” Robb admitted as he shrugged.

    “Well, come on, I’ll show you the way back out. Just follow behind me, okay?” With that said, Charmander stepped around and in front of Robb. He walked slowly forward, letting Robb follow behind his flaming tail.

    -----------------------------------------------------------------

    Charmander passed through the exit, entering the bright morning sunlight. The sunlight sent a wave of comfort through him, as well as making his scales shine a bright side of gold. He turned back around and sat down, facing Robb as he came out of the cave. “You could’ve told me it was a nice day. I might’ve come out a little easier.”

    “I didn’t think about it back there.” Robb said as he passed the threshold out of the cave. He took a second to calm himself down and to cool his flaming back. “Besides, you’re coming anyways.”

    “True, true... Though you may want to wipe off your face a little.” Charmander barely suppressed a laugh. Robb was covered in black powder from the cave. “I’m guessing you tripped?”

    “Yeah, yeah... But that’s your fault, since you’re the one living in that dark cave.” Robb joked.

    “Sure makes it a lot easier to sleep. Besides, no reason for me to hang around in Blaze Town all the time.”

    Robb seemed to ignore him as he looked up to the sky. “Oh! We’re going to be late if we don’t start moving down there now!”

    “Like it really matters,” Charmander muttered under his breath before speaking up. “Why is this so important?”

    “I don’t know. Infernape’s getting everyone he can who will listen though. He said it will start just before midday.”

    “It?” Charmander asked. “His meeting or whatever he’s talking about?”

    Robb opened his mouth to respond, but stopped and stared off at something far off and above Charmander.

    Charmander stood and started to turn around. “What are you-”

    Charmander bit his tongue when a large insectoid Pokémon came into his view. It was far away, but Charmander didn’t know who it was and didn’t want to risk being overheard. Its four wings made a loud buzz, even from the distance it was at. As it came closer, Charmander noticed that it was holding another Pokémon, a pink quadrupedal Pokémon. He was surprised when the duo started to land near him.

    He tried to identify them, but he couldn’t. The insect had large red-tipped wings and black spikes running down its back, and as if it wasn’t intimidating enough, its eyes were a menacing shade of red and split into three sections each. It was easily three times larger than Charmander, more than big enough to carry the pink one. The quadruped had large ears and piercing purple eyes, and stood just barely taller than Charmander.

    Charmander eyed them both warily as they made their descent. The bug type stopped a few inches above the ground, almost close enough that the Pokémon it was carrying could touch the ground.

    “Excuse me,” the pink Pokémon said, freeing itself from the bug’s grasp and landing perfectly. “Do you know if anyone’s gone up this mountain today?”

    Charmander started to respond, but Robb ran up beside him and spoke before he could. “That’s a volcano, and nobody’s gone up there in years. The only way up is through a Mystery Dungeon or flying, and there’s nothing-”

    “In years?” the insect responded, interrupting Robb. “That should make our task much easier.” The quadruped turned to it and nodded in response. The sun reflected off the jewel in its head straight into Charmander’s eyes, blinding him momentarily.

    “What are you even doing here, anyways?” Charmander replied cautiously as he rubbed one of his eyes.

    The quadruped chuckled slightly. “It’s nothing kids like you’d need to worry about. Just think of us as... Researchers.” She walked back over to her colossal friend. They worked together to get into their flying position once more, and they flew off before Charmander or Robb could even respond.

    “Kids?” Charmander questioned, despite the duo leaving earshot. “We’re both getting pretty old to still be called kids.”

    Something about this just isn’t right, Charmander complained internally. There’s nothing but lava up there... I know that for a fact. What could they-

    “Charmander! We’re going to miss out on the story!” Robb shouted.

    “Alright, alright! Let’s go! Jeez, Robb, don’t have a heart attack.”

    -----------------------------------------------------------------

    They walked into Blaze Town and saw everyone beginning to gather at the town square. “What’s this all about?” Charmander asked aloud to himself.

    “Didn’t you hear?” a Tepig called out from the side before Robb could answer. “Infernape’s called for everyone. Says he’s got some important news.”

    “Is everyone so trusting of him?” Charmander stifled a growl. “Robb, this is seeming more odd by the second.”

    Robb shrugged. “All the more reason to come, right?”

    “True... Whatever it is, we should go see what he wants,” Charmander replied. The Tepig nodded and ran off.

    They walked through the surprisingly barren streets. Blaze Town was normally busy, but today there were only a few Pokémon around. “Guess this is important...” Charmander scratched his head as they walked into the town square, which was bustling with Pokémon. Infernape was already speaking when they finally got within earshot.

    “...That’s why Blaze Town must be evacuated. The mountain will erupt today, and we will not be safe from its wrath.”

    Yep, gone senile. Charmander held in a laugh as someone in the crowd spoke up.

    “How do you know that? There’s no way you could even hope to predict that!”

    Charmander was just close enough to hear the quiet response, “No, not predict...”

    Then the ground began to shake. The tremor increased until it knocked most of the Pokémon off of their feet. A few weaker buildings collapsed, spreading loose bricks across the streets. Only a few seconds after it had started, the shaking stopped.

    Smoke began to billow out from the volcano’s peak. Surprisingly, Infernape was the first to stand back up. Despite his age, he had been the most prepared. Before the shock of the earthquake had worn off, he began shouting at the dazed Pokémon near him. “Don’t just lay there! Get out of here before it gets worse!”

    Charmander watched in stunned silence as the ensuing chaos began. The Pokémon all rushed off, either to their own homes to save their valuables or directly away from the volcano. Some were even scared enough to run over those still getting up. Such fear and panic were new to him, and he didn’t know quite how to react. He was finally woken up from his stupor by a Ponyta’s heavy hoof ramming into his stomach, causing him to wheeze for air. Robb started tugging him backwards just as he recovered his breath. “Come on, Charmander! We have to get out of here!”

    Charmander nodded and got to his feet. “Yeah, we-” Charmander began before his mind caught up. The researchers! He turned back towards the volcano and started heading off. He didn’t make it very far before Robb sprinted ahead of him, cutting him off.

    “What are you doing?! The volcano’s exploding!”

    “Yeah, and there’s two Pokémon probably stuck on top of it that need help.” Charmander moved to pass Robb. Robb’s back seemed to explode, sending forth flames in all directions as he realized what was being planned.

    “What?! You’re insane! You can’t possibly be thinking of-”

    “Going to the summit?” Charmander turned back towards Robb. “Yes, I am, Robb. Someone has to, and everyone else seems to be too busy losing their minds to help.”

    “Help? What could you do to help them? You can’t get up there!”

    That’s where you’re wrong. Charmander barely avoided saying. “Might as well try, right?”

    “But they can fly! Wouldn’t they just-”

    “Robb, you know better than I do that Pokémon can’t fly if their wings get covered in ash. And look at that smoke! There’s no way that bug’s wings are still clean!”

    “Charmander, you can’t-”

    “Succeed?” Charmander interrupted. “Maybe not, Robb. But are you seriously willing to let two Pokémon just burn to death up there?”

    Robb cringed. “No, but... I...”

    Charmander smirked. “Robb, I can hold my own, don’t worry.”

    A surge of Pokémon began to rush past Charmander, as they all finished their business inside the town and began to flee. Robb began to shove against the flow, pushing towards Charmander. “That’s the problem, Charmander! I know you can’t hold your own in there! Hardly anyone in the village can!”

    “Hardly anyone has tried!” Charmander had to shout to overcome the noise of the panicking Pokémon surrounding them.

    Robb was having more trouble getting to Charmander by the second. The Pokémon began to shove each other to get away, and Robb was far enough out to get caught in the crossfire. “You can’t expect to do this alone!”

    “No, but does it look like there’s any other choice?” Charmander staggered as a Combusken rammed its way past him, nearly knocking him over in the process. “They’re certainly not going to help!”

    At that moment, something seemed to change in Robb. His fear seemed to shift to determination in an instant as he realized that Charmander wouldn’t be dissuaded. “Then let me go with you!”

    Charmander’s face blanched as terror struck him. He replied almost instantly. “No, Robb. You’ll evacuate too.”

    “What?” Robb reeled back as Charmander’s command hit him. He took a few hard shoves from the surrounding Pokémon before he regained his senses. “W-why?”

    “You have something to lose, Robb! If you die, how do you think your family would take it? Think about it, I don’t have any such ties! No one will even know I’m gone besides you.”

    “But, Charmander, I don’t want you to die!"

    As if on cue, Robb’s father came up behind him. “There he is!” the Typhlosion shouted as he rushed towards the Cyndaquil. “Come on, Robb! We have to leave NOW!!” Without waiting for Robb’s response, the Typhlosion picked him up and started rushing away. Robb tried to resist for a moment, but it a wasted effort.

    “Stay alive, Charmander!” Robb yelled over the crowd as his parent carried him away.

    “I will!” Charmander shouted back as Robb vanished into the mass of running Pokémon. That was close! I couldn’t risk him getting caught in this mess. But... He turned back around and faced the volcano. Now it’s time for the hard part.


    ___________________________


    Author's notes: I know this chapter may seem a bit cliché. Don't worry, though, I'm working hard to make sure this story is interesting!

    A big thanks to Knightfall and Shadow Lucario 50 for reading over this latest version for me, and thanks to JX Valentine for helping guide this into its current state.

    I'll be writing a lot in the new year, so expect more soon!
    Last edited by Kukansis; Yesterday at 6:03 AM.

  2. #2
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    Hello there! I noticed you didn't have any reviews, so I thought I would come and share some of my thoughts and see if I can be of any help to you.

    I'll start off with my nitpicky parts:

    Everything was still as he found it.
    I assume you forgot to put an 'as' between 'was' and 'still.'

    If Robb’s back hadn’t already been ablaze to light his path, it would’ve flared brightly.
    This just seems a little weird. I know that you're saying that that Robb's back was already ablaze, but the wording is just strange. Maybe if you add "from indignation/frustration/etc." at the end? Sorry if I didn't explain myself properly.

    Robb opened his mouth to respond, but stopped and stared off at something.
    Again, just seemed a little weird. Staring at something far away? Behind Charmander's back? On the ground? A little specification helps your audience get a clearer picture of whatever you're describing.

    “Kids?” Charmander questioned idly, despite the duo leaving earshot.
    "Idly" doesn't really contrast with the fact that the two other Pokémon were out of earshot, so I'm not sure "despite" would be the proper transition word for use. Removing the comma and using 'as' or 'after' or just inverting the sentence may make more sense.

    Charmander scratched his head as they walked into the town square, which was bustling with people.
    Might want to replace "people" with "Pokémon."

    Robb’s back seemed to explode into a shell of fire as he realized what was being planned.
    I don't know if you would put a "shell of fire." You could say that his flames fanned out into the shape of a shell or something similar.

    “But, Charmander, I don’t want you to die!
    Needs a second pair of quotation marks at the end.

    On another note, I thought it was a bit peculiar that you named the Cyndaquil "Robb" while everyone else just went by the name of their species. It's not a bad thing, I just thought it was oddly curious.

    You could also do with a bit more description; I get that it's a mountain with a bunch of Pokémon, and since people on here are Pokémon fans, we'd be expected to know what they look like. It still seems somewhat bare, though when you described the two stranger Pokémon you used very nice diction. I think that this could turn out rather well; I haven't played Pokemon Mystery Dungeon or read any fics on it, but this seems like it could be quite fun. I look forward to more good things from you, and good luck!
    Last edited by starliteevee; 2nd January 2014 at 6:33 AM.


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  3. #3
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    Hi there! I've seen you a few times Kukansis (from Knightfall's friendlist). I'm new to Fanfiction (mostly) too, but the first step us always putting up your story.

    Anyways, onto the review!

    Quote Originally Posted by starliteevee
    You could also do with a bit more description;
    Exactly that. The descriptions were a bit on the bland side. And a couple other things that starliteevee mentioned. But I was wondering if the Charmander had a name.

    Quote Originally Posted by Kukansis
    I know this chapter may seem a bit cliché.
    Cliché? It doesn't seem that cliché, except for the Heroics scene, where Charmander goes for the bug and quardruped. I think it was actually nice and intresting. Your dialogue feels natural, which is good! Characters give life to stories.

    There's not much I can say other than that and since starliteevee said them already.

    So I'll just say that your story's so far, so good. I hope you keep it up.
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  4. #4
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    Thank you for the review! I honestly didn't expect to receive one so quickly!

    I assume you forgot to put an 'as' between 'was' and 'still.'
    Actually, no, that's the way I meant to write it. Though that is a weird sentence in retrospect, so it's a problem area either way. Thanks for pointing that out!

    Also, this just seems a little weird. I know that you're saying that that Robb's back was already ablaze, but the wording is just strange.
    Yeah, I get how that seems confusing. I'll fix that, too. And don't worry, I understand what you mean.

    Again, just seemed a little weird. Staring at something far away? Behind Charmander's back? On the ground?
    I see what you're saying. I'll fix that here and try to avoid skimping on the description/specification with actions like this later.

    "Idly" doesn't really contrast with the fact that the two other Pokémon were out of earshot, so I'm not sure "despite" would be the proper transition word for use.
    Huh, I didn't even think of that. I'm not sure why I used "despite" in that context.

    I don't know if you would put a "shell of fire." You could say that his flames fanned out into the shape of a shell or something similar.
    Oh, right, otherwise it might be taken literally, and fire doesn't really make shells. Makes sense, and I'll work on that wording.
    I'll fix those other two errors you pointed out as well.

    On another note, I thought it was a bit peculiar that you named the Cyndaquil "Robb" while everyone else just went by the name of their species. It's not a bad thing, I just thought it was oddly curious.
    It does seem odd that only he gets a name. Problem is, he and Charmander were the only characters being truly introduced in this chapter, and Charmander is nameless on purpose. But you're right, it is rather strange to have only one name thrown out there, and I'll see if I can mitigate that problem in future chapters.

    You could also do with a bit more description;
    I did seem to be very light on most of the descriptions, now that I look back over this. I'll work on putting more into my later chapters, and I'll see if I can't work some more into this one.

    I'm glad you liked it, and I'll get to work fixing up what you've pointed out. Thanks again, starliteevee!

    And I didn't see you there at first, TheCharredDragon! Thank you as well!

    I will work on the descriptions, as I said above. I know that's a bit of a weak point for my writing, which can be really bad if I'm not careful.

    And I'm happy to hear you enjoyed it!
    Last edited by Kukansis; 2nd January 2014 at 5:49 AM.

  5. #5
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    Chapter 1: Inside the Volcano

    Charmander had to weave his way upstream through a river of screaming Pokémon to get where he was going, but his course was set. More than a few times he was shoved to the side by larger Pokémon rushing past him, but he continued straight out of the town.

    He had to stop and catch his breath once he escaped the panic. He looked up towards the volcano’s peak, looking at the smoke billowing out. The smokescreen had thickened into a black cloud, streaming out of the volcano and looming overhead. Looks like it’s getting close to erupting... Hope the tunnels haven’t flooded yet.

    Once he got his breathing back under control, he rushed off once again. He didn’t slow down at all once he entered his cave, nearly making him trip as he lost most of his vision to the darkness. His tail was the only source of light, but he had gone through the tunnels enough to know where he needed to go.

    Charmander rushed forward into his room and whipped his flaming tail ahead of him. Everything was still undisturbed.

    Of course. No one’s going to be in an active volcano. Now where was it? Charmander moved around until he found a small crack in the ground a few feet away from where he slept. Charmander smirked as he ran ahead and bent over, preparing to strike. Let’s hope this still works... Here goes nothing!

    He smashed his fist into the cracked rock, causing the ground to shake. He stood back up and readied himself for the fall as the ground began to give way. It crumbled out from beneath him, dropping him right into the newly formed ravine.

    Even before he hit the ground, he heard the rocks above him beginning to reform. The Mystery Dungeon seemed to regenerate the ground every time he shattered it, despite the cave still being outside the dungeon itself. He breathed out a sigh of relief, still focusing on the ground that he was quickly approaching. At least the Dungeon still seems to be working the same. I was worried for a minute that it’d be different because of this eruption.

    His legs slammed into the ground, sending a spike of pain through his whole body. He yelped and fell to his side, but immediately silenced himself. “That will never get any better, will it?” he muttered to himself. “Maybe when I evolve it’ll...” The sounds of nearby skittering insects immediately stopped him.

    That was fast... normally I have a minute or two before these guys start coming!

    He stumbled onto his feet, still sore from the landing. He swished his tail back and forth, trying to find his enemy. At last, he saw his opponent: a steel-plated ant on his left, about to bite down on his moving tail. He barely had time to dodge before the insect’s steel jaws clashed together.

    Yikes! They are way more aggressive today! Must be something to do with them being as scared of the lava as us!

    He shot flames out at the bug and it screeched in pain as the heat surged over it, almost melting the metal covering the unfortunate insect. It rushed at Charmander, but he jumped out of the way as it slammed into the wall. It turned around, but the flame had hurt it too badly and it fell limply to the ground.

    Huh, a weak one, Charmander noted. Normally it takes a few hits to knock one out. Or is this heat messing them up? Why’d these guys even move to a volcano? It makes no sense!

    He heard more approaching, but none of them moved close enough to see. He braced for a sudden impact, but one never came.

    It took him a second, but he started to notice the room getting brighter. The Durants surrounding him slowly became more visible, their silver plating reflecting a strange orange tone. He understood it too well. Not now, volcano, not now! he shouted in his mind. He turned around and saw magma beginning to flow inwards from deeper inside the tunnels, heading right for him. The Durants began to scream and hiss, running in fear towards the other end of the tunnel. Charmander wasted no time following them.

    He ran for only a few moments before the environment took a drastic change. The dull orange light of the magma vanished all at once, only to be replaced by bright light from torches lining the walls, nearly blinding Charmander. The room suddenly shifted into a large square, an extreme change from the small tunnel he had just been running in. Must’ve crossed over into the Dungeon itself... Lucky me.

    After his eyes adjusted to the light of the Dungeon, he looked around for an open passageway. He found one to his left and calmly walked through it. The first room always seems to be empty. Though, the second-

    His train of thought was interrupted by the sight of a Silver Spike flying past his head. “Whoa!” he shouted in surprise, diving deeper into the tunnel to find his opponent. Another spike flew at him, and this one scraped his left arm.

    He rounded the corner and identified his assailant: a Pansear carrying multiple Spikes in his hands. It tossed another one, but Charmander dodged it easily as the Pansear no longer had him in a bottleneck. He rushed ahead and slammed his fist into the Pansear’s chest, throwing it backwards and scattering its collected projectiles. The Pansear fell over, giving Charmander time to rush ahead while it stood back up. He hit it once more, this time on its head. The Pansear wobbled for a few moments before falling face first into the ground.

    When he calmed down, he noticed the pain in his scratched arm. He looked down at it and was happy to see that his arm was fine, minus a small section where the scales had been cut off. I have to be more careful. I don’t have one of those fancy badges to kick me out of here if I fail... And they’re not sending a rescue team into a hidden dungeon in an exploding volcano, either.

    He spun around, searching for anything he could find. The Pansear’s Spikes still lay scattered on the floor, but Charmander didn’t want them anyways. He saw an orb, unidentifiable from the distance he was at, but decided against getting it. Finishing his spin, he realized the stairs to the next floor were right beside him.

    He ran up to the second floor and found himself next to the stairs to the third floor. “Oh, I’m in luck, it seems,” he said to himself. He went up the stairs and found an empty room.

    Three pathways led out of the room; two straight ahead of him and one to his right. A Durant came out of the right path and tried to engage him. Charmander shot a fireball at it before it even exited the tunnel, and it didn’t even have time to move before the flame overwhelmed it, causing it to fall unconscious. “Guess I’m not taking that path, then,” he stated with finality. He headed into the farthest path from the Durant’s and found that both the other exits converged right outside the room. “That simplifies things...”

    He continued down the tunnel until he reached the next room. There were no sounds coming from the next room. The stairs were in the room, but nothing else appeared to be there. A chill ran up his spine as he stared into the empty room. Something's not right here. He looked over his shoulder to see if anything else was behind him. Confirming that nothing was coming after him made him even more uncomfortable. Then whatever is wrong is up ahead... But it's also the only way up. Charmander faced forward again and started walking.

    The moment he stepped in, Pokémon began to jump out from every side, dig out from the ground, and even fall from the ceiling. “Crap, a monster house!” he thought aloud.

    He turned around and began to run, but they were equally fast. I’m not gaining any ground, he realized, so there’s only one way out of this. He ran through a slim section of the tunnel, and turned back towards his enemies. I hope this works! He took in a deep breath, trying to get in as much air as he possibly could. Then, he shot out as much fire as he could towards the incoming Pokémon.

    The amount of flame that he managed to breathe out surprised himself. The exertion sent another shockwave of pain through him, draining the air from his lungs and making him lose his balance. He toppled forwards and barely stopped himself from slamming into the ground. I really should practice these things before I try them. He raised his head to see what damage he had done.

    Three Pokémon, all of them Durants, were knocked out. More Pokémon were coming from behind, though.

    “Why is it... that I only... hit Durants with fire?” he complained between gasps. He got back to his feet. He had just enough time to see something move towards him, and he jumped backwards. A Gravelerock hit the ground perfectly ahead of him, right where he would have been.

    Great, another Pansear. He looked ahead and saw the Pansear, carrying many more Gravelerocks in one arm. It almost seemed like it was being guarded by two Slugma that were approaching Charmander.

    Dodging the Gravelerocks was easy enough, and he had enough time to catch his breath before the Slugma got to him. Guess I’m not practicing this, then.

    He focused all the energy he could into his small claws, and slashed at the two Slugma. His claws connected, but one of the Slugma had come too close. He felt a searing heat rush over his right arm as it rushed through the liquid sking of the Slugma, making him cringe. A pair of Gravelerocks hit him before he could even pull back his arms. One smashed into his flaming tail, sending pain spiking through his entire body. The other slammed into his nose, making him stagger backwards. The Slugmas drooped downwards into puddles on the ground as they lost consciousness.

    Charmander quickly wiped under his nose with his burned arm, expecting to see blood running from his nostrils. He was surprised when he saw his arm was still clean, although an ashy tone on his scales showed the true injury. He woke from his dazed state when another Gravelerock came flying at him. He barely managed to dodge it, ducking just before it could hit him in the forehead.

    “I hate thrown items...” he muttered to himself as he prepared to charge at the Pansear. But before Charmander could approach it, something rammed into his back and knocked him off his feet. He didn’t regain control of himself in time, and he landed sprawled on the ground.

    Don’t tell me, he mentally complained, flipping onto his back to see his aggressor. That was a Durant.

    And he was correct. A large Durant stood in his old position, hissing angrily. Well, at least I know how to deal with them.

    He stayed on his back and breathed in to shoot another fireball. But just before he could exhale, a Gravelerock flew in and hit him in the stomach. It threw off his aim, and he ended up shooting fire at the ceiling.

    “Drat!” he shouted, rolling to the wall of the tunnel to dodge the now incoming Durant. It charged past him with barely an inch between them. Luckily, the Pansear had thrown all of his Gravelerocks, and had begun to charge as well.

    The two wild Pokémon collided behind Charmander and were dazed by the impact. He rushed to his feet and found out that it was a bad idea to do so. His back was more injured than he thought from the steel of the Durant hitting him and he could barely hold himself up.

    More Pokémon were coming from the monster house now. A Rhyhorn became visible behind the Pansear, who was still recovering from the impact. The Durant had recovered and was preparing to charge at Charmander.

    I’ve got one shot at this... He took as deep a breath as he could, and immediately shot it back out as fire. The back injury had taken its toll, though, and he was unable to even breathe out any fire. The Durant rammed into him, once again knocking him off his feet.

    He rolled in mid-air and caught himself on his arms and knees. He tried to push himself back up, but the Durant came running right back, ready to tackle him once more.

    Something stirred in Charmander’s body. The fire that only moments ago he didn’t have the strength to create was now surging through his lungs, forcing itself around his body. He took a quick breath in, but it somehow felt deeper than any of the others he had taken.

    Charmander released the fire that he had built up. A fireball of relatively massive size escaped his mouth and enveloped the Durant and the Pansear behind it. The impact of the fireball threw them into the incoming Rhyhorn. The Durant slammed into the Rhyhorn’s head, knocking out the Durant and nearly throwing the Rhyhorn off its feet. The Pansear flew into the Rhyhorn’s stomach and fell limply to the ground, not even budging the great rock Pokémon.

    “How...” Charmander mumbled, thinking he was going mad. "Did I... just do.. that?” He gasped for air and his arms weakened beneath him. He quickly looked over his enemies, trying to find a way out.

    The Rhyhorn was shaking its head and seemed to be recovering from the collision, while the two others lay unmoving. Charmander continued glancing around, and saw something reflecting off of one of the unconscious Durant's metal plating. “Is that...” he started, but could not finish. Instead, he crawled as quickly as his tired body would allow to it, and happily picked up the tiny object.

    It was a small, unknown seed. Charmander swallowed it down without a second thought. Please be something other than a Vile Seed, he pleaded to himself.

    He found himself suddenly enveloped in some sort of magical energy. Within seconds, the world around him seemed to pause, and he found himself on the stairs behind the monster house’s Pokémon. Time began to flow again, and almost immediately, the Pokémon began to turn around to face his new position, somehow knowing what had happened. “That is so unfair!” he shouted as he scrambled up the stairs.

    He suddenly found it dark once again. He looked around and saw everything was once again in the dull orange glow of the lava. “Wait, is this the peak?” he asked aloud. He looked to his left and saw the quadruped from before, a look of horror barely visible on her face. I made it! I knew I could do it! He smiled and stood up again, straining to keep himself upright.

    Before he could speak, he felt an impact that threw him onto his stomach once more. What in the world-? He couldn’t finish the thought. An extremely loud buzzing overpowered him, and he felt his mind slow. It swiftly combined with the pain in his back, and he knew he couldn’t hold onto consciousness. No, I can’t fail now... he thought, desperately looking for a way out. There was nothing to save him, though, and he blacked out.

    ___________________________

    Author notes: Sorry for the wait! I had intended to get this out earlier...
    Anyway, I tried to put a lot more effort into my descriptions here, and I hope it shows.
    Last edited by Kukansis; 27th January 2014 at 5:43 AM.

  6. #6
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    Well, another chapter. Time to get reviewing.

    Now the descriptions were okay this time but I got a little dizzy after the monster house Durant hit Charmander and I wasn't sure how in the world he stood back up. But it could be just me. Because it might be clearer the next time I read Chapter One.

    Now, I'm not so sure about the pacing though. But since I'm not experienced in that, I won't say anything else. There were no typos that I spotted and nothing wrobg in my eyes in terms of grammer. But I gotta say that there was a little too much dialogue/thoughts. Sure, it gives off a bit more about the character, but would you really talk that much in a life threatening situation? But then again, when you're alone, you get a little crazy.

    That's just my thoughts on it though so don't have to change it.

    Now, what I liked about the chapter. I like it that you actually decided to have Pokémon throw projectiles in a dungeon. I rarely see that. I think this is the first time I read one. I also liked the monster house idea. I was thinking exactly the same thing. They appear out of nowhere in different ways depending of what kind of Pokémon they are.

    And good cliffhanger at the end. Anyways, there's not much else I can really say other than that so, keep up the good work!
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  7. #7
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    Going right in:

    Only his tail gave the cave some shape, but he had gone through the tunnels enough to know where he needed to go.
    The wording here is a bit awkward; I understand what you're saying (that the light of Charmander's tail allowed him to see the interior of the cave), but saying that the "tail gave the cave some shape" seems a bit clunky. Specifiying that "the light from his tail allowed him to see the interior of the cave" or something along those lines would help paint a better picture in your readers' minds.

    Charmander rushed forward into his room and whipped his flaming tail ahead of him. Everything was still undisturbed. Of course. No one’s going to be in an active volcano. Now where was it?
    Begin a new paragraph at "Of course." If I'm not mistaken, thoughts go the same way as speaking; whenever a new person speaks (in this case, Charmander, since he hadn't spoken before), begin a new paragraph.

    At last, he saw his opponent, a steel-plated ant on his left, about to bite down on his moving tail.
    To lower the amount of commas in this sentence (and to make it feel less choppy), you can either split it into two complete sentences or change the second comma into a colon. Technically, it's fine the way it is, but it reads smoother don't use so many commas.

    Why’d these guys even move to a volcano? It makes no sense!
    My thoughts exactly! :P

    He turned around and saw magma beginning to flow inwards from deeper inside the tunnels, and fast.
    You may want to change or remove the "and fast" part at the end. Since the subject was Charmander seeing the magma, "and fast" would apply to his sight. Meaning, that you're saying Charmander quickly saw the magma flowing. I realize you want to put it at the end of the sentence for emphasis; if so, you can say something along the lines of "and it was flowing fast" since repeating a verb also adds emphasis. Or if you're willing to sacrifice the emphasis, you can just put "quickly" or another word like it in front of "beginning."

    His train of thought was interrupted by the sight of a Silver Spike flying past his head. “Whoa!” he shouted in surprise, diving deeper into the tunnel to find his opponent. Another Spike flew at him, and this one scraped his left arm.
    "Silver Spike" and "Spike" don't need to be capitalized (nless they are referring to something special; I've never played the games before, so please excuse my ignorance ^_^. If they're just regular weapons the Pansear is using, then they should be lower-case.

    Three pathways led out of the room; two to the south and one to the east.
    Just curious: if he's underground, how can he tell which direction the paths are leading? By the sound of it, this dungeon is continuously changing, so him knowing the directions the paths lead while being underground seems odd. Unless he has some sort of certain direction-sense, since I guess it would be believable for Pokémon to have that.

    He continued down the tunnel until he reached the next room. There were no sounds coming from the next room. The stairs were in the room, but nothing else appeared to be there. It only took him one step into the room to figure out why it was so empty.
    This part in particular seems bare; mostly because you don't state how Charmander's feeling--or what he's thinking. At the end of the fourth sentence, he figured out why it was empty, which implies that he was curious, but you didn't make any mention of it. How does Charmander feel about the emptiness? Creeped-out? Scared? Worried? Indifferent? You let us see some of Charmander's thoughts, which helps your viewers get a clearer idea of how he's feeling; but otherwise, there isn't really anything. Making even some mention of how Charmander feels about this can add to the atmosphere you're trying to create. If the audience sees that Charmander is getting nervous, that adds to the overall mood and makes us nervous. If our hero worries about something, why shouldn't we?

    “Crap, a monster house!” he thought aloud.
    Now this helps set the mood. Here, he's obviously worried by his exclamation (and it gave me a chuckle :P). You can also removed the "thought aloud" part since you can simply put "shouted" or something similar.

    He fell and barely stopped himself from slamming into the ground.
    Seems a bit contradictory; if he fell, then how did he stop himself from slamming into the ground?

    But he didn’t get out of the battle unscathed. His right arm was burned by the Slugma, and two Gravelerocks had managed to him him in the process. The Pansear relentlessly continued throwing more and more at him.
    This could also use more description; we see Charmander faced with three foes, and you tell us how he managed to overcome the two Slugmas, but otherwise, it's very skimp on the detail. Unless you had mentioned afterwards that the Pansear had hit him twice, we wouldn't have known since you only describe Charmander slashing at the Slugmas with his claws. We also didn't know that Charmander got burnt until this sentence; adding a line about how he could feel the heat from the Slugmas' bodies left his skin burned while he was slashing at them would add more to the actual fight scene, so it at least appears more than "he slashed them with his claws and they went down."

    He stayed on his back and breathed in to shoot another fireball. But just before he could exhale, a Gravelerock flew in and hit him in the stomach. It threw off his aim, and he ended up shooting fire at the ceiling.
    This is better; detailing how the Gravelerock hitting him throws off his aim gives us a good picture.

    He took as deep a breath as he could, and immediately shot it back out as fire. The back injury had taken its toll, though, and he was unable to even breathe out any fire.
    I also really like this; him being unable to breathe fire makes it suspenseful and adds more tension :P


    This isn't bad; you could certainly use more description and emotion, but otherwise, it was quite good. You didn't have any typos or major grammar problems, which I applaud you for as that's something that I can never do XD Adding more detail would help flesh out your characters more; we get glimpses of Charmander's personality, but not too much beyond. Again, I haven't played any PMD games, so forgive me if I said something and turned out to be wrong about it. Not bad, and I know you'll only continue to get better!


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  8. #8
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    Thank you both again for reviewing! I'm happy to see both of you back here!

    Quote Originally Posted by TheCharredDragon
    Now the descriptions were okay this time but I got a little dizzy after the monster house Durant hit Charmander and I wasn't sure how in the world he stood back up.
    I see that I messed up on the directions after that point, so I'll work on fixing that. And I tried to convey that he was hurting, but not exactly injured beyond movement. Perhaps I went overboard on that portion of description though.

    But I gotta say that there was a little too much dialogue/thoughts. Sure, it gives off a bit more about the character, but would you really talk that much in a life threatening situation?
    No, I probably wouldn't. I'll see if I can make it a bit less talky, but I do feel that I needed to give Charmander more definition, as he was still a little underdeveloped at this point. I'll see what's extraneous, though, and I'll try to tone it down.

    Now, what I liked about the chapter. I like it that you actually decided to have Pokémon throw projectiles in a dungeon. I rarely see that. I think this is the first time I read one. I also liked the monster house idea.
    Thanks, those were the two things that generally messed me up in the games, so I kind of tried to carry over that kind of challenge and frustration they give to this section. I'm happy to hear that it was unique as well!

    Quote Originally Posted by starliteevee
    The wording here is a bit awkward; I understand what you're saying (that the light of Charmander's tail allowed him to see the interior of the cave), but saying that the "tail gave the cave some shape" seems a bit clunky.
    Right, I'm forgetting to specify once again. Thanks for pointing that out.

    Begin a new paragraph at "Of course." If I'm not mistaken, thoughts go the same way as speaking; whenever a new person speaks (in this case, Charmander, since he hadn't spoken before), begin a new paragraph.
    That makes a lot of sense. I'll fix that, and I'll remember it in the future.

    To lower the amount of commas in this sentence (and to make it feel less choppy), you can either split it into two complete sentences or change the second comma into a colon.
    Ironically, I received the opposite advice for a scene in the prologue from one of its beta readers. Of course, that was a different situation, so you're probably both right on your respective topics. I'll look into that sentence and see what would fit best there.

    You may want to change or remove the "and fast" part at the end. Since the subject was Charmander seeing the magma, "and fast" would apply to his sight.
    Once again, that makes sense. I'll get that rewritten to apply the adjective to the right subject.

    "Silver Spike" and "Spike" don't need to be capitalized (nless they are referring to something special; I've never played the games before, so please excuse my ignorance ^_^.
    Well, Silver Spike is actually an item in the games, but the second "spike" probably should be de-capitalized. Don't worry, I'm glad you're pointing these out regardless, and I understand that not everyone knows PMD's terminology.

    Edit: I'm not certain how I missed them, but I am fixing those other two errors you pointed out between these two points. Somehow, I skipped over them on my first read-through of your review...

    Now this helps set the mood. Here, he's obviously worried by his exclamation (and it gave me a chuckle :P). You can also removed the "thought aloud" part since you can simply put "shouted" or something similar.
    I'm glad you liked that line! And I'll change that verb to something more fitting.

    Seems a bit contradictory; if he fell, then how did he stop himself from slamming into the ground?
    Hm, that is very confusing, now that I look over it again. I'll reword it to make more sense.

    This could also use more description; we see Charmander faced with three foes, and you tell us how he managed to overcome the two Slugmas, but otherwise, it's very skimp on the detail. Unless you had mentioned afterwards that the Pansear had hit him twice, we wouldn't have known since you only describe Charmander slashing at the Slugmas with his claws.
    Ah, right, that scene was part of my first draft where I had kind of left out a lot of detail... And for some reason I didn't rewrite it, apparently. I'll get to work writing that in a more "show, not tell" way.

    This isn't bad; you could certainly use more description and emotion, but otherwise, it was quite good. You didn't have any typos or major grammar problems, which I applaud you for as that's something that I can never do XD Adding more detail would help flesh out your characters more; we get glimpses of Charmander's personality, but not too much beyond. Again, I haven't played any PMD games, so forgive me if I said something and turned out to be wrong about it. Not bad, and I know you'll only continue to get better!
    I'll work hard on getting more of both into my chapters! And I'm planning on giving my characters a lot more to define them in the future, but I had trouble doing so while Charmander was alone and constantly in danger. Don't worry about not knowing the PMD terms. I'm just happy to get reviews either way.

    Thank you both once again! Chapter two shouldn't be too far off, after I get these previous two chapters patched up.
    Last edited by Kukansis; 27th January 2014 at 4:29 AM.

  9. #9
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    Chapter 2: Awakening

    Wh-what happened? I knew I couldn’t do that correctly... but where did we end up? What is going on?

    What am I?!


    -------------------------------------------------------------

    Charmander immediately sat up. “H-hello?” he managed to stammer out. His eyes were having trouble adjusting; everything appeared to be blurred together into a bright shade of gray. He heard no response, not even any sounds of movement beyond his own.

    Who said that? That certainly wasn’t me! he argued internally to convince himself. Am I just hearing things? Is there some sort of psychic Pokémon...

    Wait, that’s it! That pink Pokémon I was saving. It must be that one! It spoke to my mind! Does that mean...


    Before he could finish his thought, his head began to spin from sitting up too fast. He groaned, laid back down, and began to recollect his thoughts. I didn’t save those two... I got knocked out right at the summit. But that means... Wait, where am I?

    His eyes slowly began to come into focus, and objects began to take shape, but the gray tone did not disappear. It brightened to a reflective, near-blinding shade of white. The light was harsh, and Charmander had to shield his eyes as they slowly fixed themselves.

    “What is this stuff?” he wondered aloud, part of him still hoping for a response from someone. “Why is it so bright here? How did I get away from the volcano?”

    His thoughts were interrupted by a sudden pain in his tail. He jumped and turned around in midair, only to find nothing behind him but more of the white substance. He landed on his feet, and the substance crunched under them.

    “Hey, who just did something to my tail?” he shouted. Once again, he was met with silence. “What is going on...?” He checked his tail in an attempt to diagnose the pain. What he found created more questions than it answered.

    His scales were a dull shade of black. Rubbing at it revealed the golden tone he expected, but suggested something much more sinister. Guess it was a close call if I’m coated in this much ash.

    Suddenly, he realized how cold it was. The very air felt as if it were freezing, and Charmander knew he needed shelter. He looked around and realized he was in a small canyon between two cliffsides. Neither of the pathways out of the canyon seemed to lead anywhere safer, and only showed more of the strange white substance beneath his feet. He continued to look around until he saw a cave in the side of one of the rock walls.

    He ran towards it, but ended up tripping and falling into the white ground. His body smashed down the substance, and it fell on top of him from his sides, threatening to smother him. He easily pushed his way back onto his hands and knees and broke free of the covering. He felt another portion of it slide directly into the flame on his tail. Suddenly, he knew what had hurt him.

    “Ouch!” he screamed involuntarily, jumping up and brushing off his tail. “This stuff is water!” He charged into the cave, careful not to trip again.

    He ran straight through the cave until he could no longer see the light from outside. “That... was not fun,” he growled, checking his tail for any water left on it. He sighed, relieved that his tail was still burning brightly. He dusted all the remaining residue of the substance off of himself, then walked ahead. Now, where am I?

    He proceeded through the cave, unsure of where to head. It was a straight path through the cliffside, and he saw the exit to the other side before long. He was just about to leave, when he heard a small groan come from behind him.

    He jumped at the sudden sound, thinking it might have been an enemy, and nearly shot out a fireball by instinct. When he turned around, though, he saw that it was a small four-legged Grass Pokémon with a large bulb on its back, laying sprawled across the ground. “Finally, something else that’s alive...” he mumbled to himself. He took a deep breath to calm himself. “Hey, are you okay?”

    The Pokémon responded with a very weak cry: “Help... me...” Charmander came closer to see what was wrong, and was surprised to see the bulb was frozen solid. Upon closer inspection, it seemed to Charmander that the ice was actually moving, slowly enveloping the helpless Pokémon.

    “Whoa! That looks bad! I’ll get something to warm you up!” Charmander stated without stopping to think. He rushed out of the cave and found himself tripping again in the substance outside. “Ow! Stupid white water!” he complained.

    He pushed himself up and stopped to think. Okay, so there’s a grass Pokémon literally freezing over there and I need to save him by heating him up... My breath would probably be too much at once... so is there anything around to make a fire with?

    He glanced around, and saw there were many trees nearby. He looked upwards and saw that the sun was quite far away from the center of the sky. Okay, so it’s either early or late, so whatever I’m gonna do, I have to do it fast. Now, do I collect branches or find a way to cut those trees? After a few moments, he decided on collecting branches, as he didn’t know how to safely cut down trees, nor did he think his claws could even break through the bark.

    He ran from tree to tree, gathering any loose wood that had fallen off the trees and slashing at anything low enough for him to reach. The sea of white still assaulted his vision with its brightness, making it harder to even see the fallen branches. Even worse, the trees themselves were coated in the same substance, and more than once he found himself dropping more of it on his tail as he felled another branch. He managed to ignore the pain. After all, he had just been hurt much worse in his climb of the volcano.

    When he thought he had collected enough, he turned back to the cave. Wait a minute... His thoughts caught up with his actions, and the shock of it made him drop the branches he’d collected. How am I even standing?... Am I not hurt? It sure hurt when I was getting hit! He checked his burned arm, and was amazed to see no mark left, despite there being one when he first was burned. He looked around his body for any bruises, still finding nothing. He even tried to turn and look at his back before he realized he couldn’t do so. But how did this...?

    He shook his head. There’s no time for this, he realized, that Pokémon will probably die if I don’t get him melted out of that ice. He picked back up the branches and rushed ahead.

    He barreled his way back into the tunnel, arms still full of wood trimmings. He looked towards the Grass-type and saw that the ice now reaching towards its head. “What kind of ice spreads like that?” Charmander wondered aloud.

    He set down the branches and began to shoot fireballs at the pile. No matter what he did, though, the branches would not seem to ignite. They only steamed slightly as the white substance seemed to melt and drip over them. Oh, of course. The stupid white stuff prevents fires. He sat down and began to dry off the branches, and proceeded to slowly pile them one at a time near the Grass Pokémon’s still body. “Hey, are you still awake?” Charmander asked. The other Pokémon didn’t respond.

    Suddenly, his body seized up, every muscle seeming to tense up involuntarily as a feeling of panic rushed through him. It almost felt as if someone else was controlling him, forcing him into a paralyzed state. Even his breathing stopped as questions streamed into his head. Where am I? How did I get here? Did the town survive? How can I get home? What am I doing? What should I be doing? Is that Pokémon dead? Am I dead?

    Just as suddenly as the fear had overtaken him, it vanished, leaving him confused and gasping for air. He struggled to comprehend what just happened. Okay, I have no idea what is going on... but I’ll figure it out later. I still have a life to save right now.

    He waited for his breathing to return to normal before he turned back to see if the frozen Pokémon had responded. It remained stationary and soundless. That is a good question though... What if he is already dead? He walked over to the freezing Pokémon and began to check him for any signs of life. He tried to see if he still felt warm, before realizing that it was a worthless endeavor. It’s freezing to death; of course it’s not warm! He rolled it over onto its back. He smiled as he saw its chest moving in and out with air.

    He is alive, still... So I’m not just wasting time heating a corpse. Better get back to work. He walked back to his pile of branches, and began to dry and stack them again. He looked back up at the bulb Pokémon, and couldn’t help but sigh to himself. If the first Pokémon I find is already dying, this won’t be a nice place. Just what have I got myself into?

    -------------------------------------------------------------

    The moon had come up by the time he finished lighting the fire. Even with the drying he did, the branches had maintained their moisture well in the cold air, and did not stay burning unless he kept adding more flame to it. Eventually, he got it going well enough that the blaze sustained itself. He decided to step outside and see what the landscape looked like, since the white substance was no longer blinding him.

    A barren field of blue-gray was before him, stretching over the ground with no end in sight. He managed to see a few of his own footprints leading off into a forest, which was also covered in the same frozen water. What is this stuff anyways? I certainly never saw any of it around Blaze Town... And it’s not ice, that’s for sure.

    He looked up at the moon, and was happy to see at least something familiar. It looked no different from the one he always saw, a large white circle drifting slowly across this sky. At least I’m still on the same planet.

    He sat down, tired from all the work he just did, but also ready to try to figure out what was going on. So, let’s see. I’m in this frozen land, saving a Pokémon from near certain death. My scales... he thought, pulling his arm into the light his tail gave off. Have been coated in ash, which means that I was probably inside the explosion of the volcano.

    But I’d be near the volcano if that happened... And I’d be dead: melted, charred, turned to ash... Or at least would have broken something from the impact with the ground. I’m pretty sure I’m alive, though. No, something else has happened, but what is it?


    Charmander sighed and stood back up. It’s too cold to think out here. He turned back around and glanced over at the fire he had created. The Grass Pokémon was slowly thawing; the ice had receded onto its bulb. At least that stuff melts fast. Charmander walked back into the cave and laid down next to his fire. I can manage my thoughts tomorrow. I need to sleep now. He yawned, and found himself utterly exhausted. Must not have been asleep long in that canyon. Hope this fire stays lit while I’m out. He felt himself fading from consciousness, as if his body couldn’t take any more exertion without rest. Good night, whoever you are, grass guy. Don’t die while I’m away! With that last thought, he fell asleep.

    -------------------------------------------------------------

    -No, but this can’t be right. If I’m no longer-

    -did I honestly forget how to-

    -no, something’s wrong... This isn’t my-


    -------------------------------------------------------------

    Charmander woke up, startled again by his sub-conscious thoughts. More thoughts that aren’t mine... If that truly is her, she needs to learn when to talk to people. He rubbed at one of his eyes tiredly. Being less cryptic would help, too... I should probably just go back to sleep. Charmander sat up and glanced over at the fire, which had burned off a large amount of Charmander’s collected firewood. But I have to keep that burning, too. He stood up and stretched, getting ready to walk outside, when he noticed a pair of eyes staring at him. It took him a second to realize what it was, but when he moved closer, he noticed it was the freezing Pokémon, still laying on its back. A rush of energy shot through Charmander, eliminating any thoughts of sleep. “You’re awake! That’s great!”

    The Grass Pokémon nodded slowly, obviously disoriented from seeing things upside-down. Charmander realized that he still was thawing: half of its bulb was still frozen solid due to being stuck to the ground. “Think you’re well enough to move on your own?”

    “I can try...” the Pokémon responded with a strange lack of emotion. It struggled to move its legs and tried to roll itself back over. Charmander cringed as he heard the ice on its back slowly cracking under its moving weight.

    “Actually, never mind. Let me help you.” Charmander walked over to his side and rolled him back on to his stomach. “There. Is that better?”

    “Barely... I’d like it if I could move again.”

    Charmander had to hold back a chuckle. “I’m working on that problem. Speaking of which, I’ll be right back. Gotta get more firewood.”

    He rushed out of the cave, feeling overjoyed that the other Pokémon was surviving. It was still nighttime, and he had a harder time navigating through the trees. He had to move deeper in just to find trees that hadn’t already been cut by him. He spent a few minutes gathering, which was much more painful to his tail since he didn’t have adrenaline running through him, but he managed to gather up a sizeable amount of the branches before he was too annoyed with the pain to continue.

    He turned around to carry them back, when he ran face-first into a tree. “Oof! That tree was not there a minute ago...” he mumbled to himself.

    “Just what do you think you are doing with those branches, hmm, Fire-type?” the tree questioned.

    Charmander realized this ‘tree’ was another Pokémon. He looked up at its face, and something told him he should be intimidated by it. It was a foot taller than him and, judging by how much his nose hurt, would not be easy to force his way past. “I’m trying to save someone’s life right now, and I need to make a fire to do it!” he stated in response, trying to move around the treelike Pokémon.

    The tree pushed him back, knocking the branches out of his hands in the process. “You overstep your boundaries. Your very presence here is enough reason to imprison you, and you wish to light fires in the forest?”

    “To save someone’s life, yes!” Charmander shouted back. “Isn’t that-”

    “It’s illegal, regardless of the circumstance. And I’d suppose you’re trying to save the Bulbasaur, correct? You already lit that fire in the cave?”

    Charmander responded with a shrug as he thought through the situation. “You already know, don’t you?”

    “Look, Charmander, I personally saw to it that he’d freeze. He has something that’s... Let’s just say it’s something very dangerous in the wrong hands, and we simply intend to make certain he no longer has it. We were just about to head back in and finish him off before we noticed you running around here.”

    “We?” Charmander asked.

    “You think I’d be foolish enough to go alone on such a mission? There’s plenty of other Snovers around here ready to go in case this plan failed... And ready to attack if you try anything more.”

    Charmander glanced around, but was unable to see anything but more of the real trees in the darkness. He turned back to the Snover as he felt his confidence beginning to waver. “Just what gives you the right to kill others to get what you want?”

    “What gives you the right to invade our homeland and save criminals?” the Snover asked before shaking its head. “Look, either you drop this stupid idea of saving him and get out of here, or we’ll kill you as well.”

    Charmander didn’t know what to think about the situation. The Snover seemed adamant on stopping him, and he wasn’t sure if he could take them all on. He folded his arms as he tried to think up a plan. “Alright, fine. I’ll leave. But can I-”

    “No, now go away.” The Snover turned around and began to walk away, not even waiting for another response. Charmander smirked to himself as a burning sensation moved through his throat and into his mouth. He gave the Snover a few seconds to move away before spitting a fireball straight into its back.

    The flame rushed across the vulnerable Snover, charring the leaves where it contacted. The Snover screamed in pain and stumbled forwards.

    “You’ll pay for that!” it shouted as it spun around, launching shards of ice at Charmander. He responded by firing another ball of flame at the Snover, piercing through the shards and melting them before they could hit. The Snover rolled to the side and the fireball exploded as it hit a tree. Steam shot into the air as the fire dissipated into the cold. The Snover turned back around and began to rush off towards the tunnel.

    Charmander rushed forward to knock him down and stop him, but it pulled out a small black sphere and slammed it into the ground, somehow managing to make it shatter despite the soft substance covering the ground. Charmander leapt back in surprise as a cloud of black smoke enveloped them both. He heard the sounds of the Snover scuttling away as he moved in the opposite direction to escape the smokescreen.

    “What just happened?!” Charmander shouted. After the smoke had cleared, Charmander realized he was alone again. He picked back up his branches and ran back to the tunnel and the recovering bulb-Pokémon. Jeez, this area is crazy... first solid non-ice water, then freezing Pokémon, now ice-flinging paranoid maniacs who carry around smoke bombs? I’d better get back there, and fast!

    When he returned to the cave, what he saw surprised him even further. Three Snover were now surrounding the Bulbasaur, who was struggling futilely as the Snovers worked to refreeze him. Another Snover, the one he had previously burned, was off to the side, trying to put out the campfire Charmander had built.

    “Hey, get out of here!” he shouted, dropping the branches and charging in. He slashed at the burned one, missing by less than an inch. The Snover gave Charmander a strange leer before running out of the cave, despite not being hit. Charmander decided to ignore it and focused on the remaining three. “Leave that Pokémon alone!” he yelled before breathing out another fireball.

    One of the unscathed Snover turned around just in time to have the fireball strike him in the face. It screamed as it lost its balance, falling onto its back. Charmander came running up to slash at it, but it rolled past him and out of the cave, not even bothering to stand up.

    Why aren’t they staying to fight? Charmander worried as he slid to a stop. They can’t be this scared of me...

    “Keep working on him,” one of the remaining Snover commanded, gesturing to the struggling Bulbasaur. “I’ll take care of the Charmander.”

    Charmander prepared to launch another Ember, but the Snover breathed out a cloud of mist, obscuring his vision. He spun around, looking for any sign of the Snover, but the mist was too dense. He heard something behind him, and turned just in time to see and guard his head from the Snover’s incoming arm. His arms weren’t able to stop the blow, and the force of the Snover slammed down against his skull, sending a shockwave of pain through his spine and nearly knocking him to his knees.

    Charmander retorted by shooting another fireball straight ahead of him. The mist almost seemed to absorb it; though the fireball cut a path through the mist, it vanished before it could impact anything. Charmander scanned the room until he found the Snover, for some reason facing away from him. Charmander sprinted forwards towards the Snover, preparing to shoot more fire at a moment’s notice.

    The Snover suddenly spun around, launching a blast of freezing air directly at Charmander. All of his functions slowed; his body was not ready for such a swift temperature change. He felt himself slipping both physically and mentally. He nearly succumbed to the cold, but a crazy idea flew through his mind.

    He began to breathe out fire once more, but this time he aimed for himself. His body reawakened with the new heat from the blaze now engulfing him, and an even crazier idea struck Charmander.

    The Snover had just ceased its attack when Charmander came rushing forwards, still on fire. He slammed into the Snover, causing the flame to burst off in all directions. The Snover flew back from the impact and slammed into the wall of the cave. It took Charmander a second to realize it, but the fire had spread to the Snover’s green arms, and it was now burning. The Snover looked down at his blazing hands and fear overtook his confident visage. It released a shrill cry of fear as it rushed out into the night.

    Charmander turned back to the final Snover, and saw that it was now on its back, unconscious. It took him a second to realize that the Bulbasaur had fought back. “Wait, how did you just...” he began to ask, but he turned and saw that the bulb-Pokémon was asleep again. He shrugged and rolled the Snover around, checking to see what damage had been done. He didn’t understand what he saw: the Snover looked completely uninjured. Charmander stared confusedly at the Snover for a second before realizing what he was doing. No time for thinking about it. Better just get it out of here.

    He had to struggle to even drag the Snover across the ground. He had to frequently stop and rest, and by the time he had pulled the Snover back into the forest, his arms felt like jelly. Guess this is the best I’ve got in me. But it’s nowhere near safe for us...

    He reached down to grab onto the Snover once more, but he felt so weak that he couldn’t pull it any further away. There has to be some way to get rid of him... He moved around to the Snover’s feet and began to push it forwards with his shoulder. He had shoved it a good distance away when he found himself suddenly tripping and slamming into the ground. He stood back up and shook the snow off of himself while he looked ahead.

    He blinked a few times to see if his eyes were tricking him. He reached forwards, and his hand felt nothing but empty air. The Snover had completely disappeared. Charmander ran a claw over his face as he shook his head. Guess that’s it then. Time to just... head back.

    He barely had the energy to run back to the cave. He was relieved to see that the Snovers hadn’t returned. I really need a break from all this insanity. Or at least some real sleep. He put the last branches on the fire, not caring that they weren’t dried yet. The fire hissed as the water fell, causing small puffs of steam to rise up and out of sight. I just hope we don’t get attacked again. I don’t think I can handle another battle.

    He tried to stay awake, but he couldn’t even keep his eyes open. Giving up, he decided to lay down next to the fire. The warmth of the fire was almost overpoweringly comfortable to Charmander; he hadn’t noticed how cold he truly was. As his body began to heat up, he felt himself dozing off. We’ll see what’s going on... Tomorrow.

    -------------------------------------------------------------
    -------------------------------------------------------------

    Well, this chapter took me a lot longer than I expected it to. Hopefully the time it took is reflected in its quality.

    This chapter may be kind of confusing, as it introduces a lot more than it explains, but don't worry. Chapter 3 will be a lot more clear about why this is all happening. (Or at least as far as Charmander can figure it out.)

    Thanks to Shadow Lucario 50 once more for helping me out with getting rid of the errors in this chapter, as well as the previous ones!
    Last edited by Kukansis; 12th February 2014 at 7:00 AM.

  10. #10
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    Well, Kukansis, another chapter. I'd like to say I'm happy to see it, but first, I want to point some things out.

    Quote Originally Posted by Kukansis
    The moon had come up by the time he finished lighting the fire. Even with the drying he did, the branches had maintained their moisture well in the cold air, and did not stay burning unless he kept adding more flame to it. Eventually, he got it going well enough that the blaze sustained himself. He decided to step outside and see what the landscape looked like, since the white substance was no longer blinding him.
    Is it itself or himself? I didn't understand that sentence...

    Quote Originally Posted by Kukansis
    The Snover turned [its/his] back around and began to rush off towards the tunnel.
    There should have been either of those pronouns.

    Quote Originally Posted by Kukansis
    Charmander rushed forwards to knock him down and stop him, but it pulled out a small black sphere and slammed it into the ground, somehow managing to make it shatter despite the soft substance covering the ground.
    Stumbled on that sentence. I suggest removing the "s" in the bold word.

    Quote Originally Posted by Kukansis
    he heard something behind him, and turned just in time to see and guard his head from the Snover’s incoming arm.
    Forgot to capitalize.

    Now anyways, I feel you've improved upon the description but I'm still iffy about the constant thoughts. I understand it adds to his character, but it seems a little iffy to me. As for confusion, it wasn't confusing at all. In fact I enjoyed it. Again, good so far and that's all I can really say so...

    CC out!
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  11. #11
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    Hello again, Charred! Glad to see you back here!

    Is it itself or himself? I didn't understand that sentence...
    I have no idea how I let that slip... It should be itself, so I'll fix that.

    There should have been either of those pronouns.
    Hm... That one, I'm not so sure about. I'm stating there that it turned back around, as in it was already turned around before and just turned again. I see what you're going for, though, and if the way I have it really is wrong, I'll certainly change it, but I think it makes sense as it is.

    Stumbled on that sentence. I suggest removing the "s" in the bold word.
    I always seem to default to 'forwards', despite knowing it's wrong in most scenarios... I need to cut that out.

    Forgot to capitalize.
    Well, that's certainly not an error I thought I'd miss... Thanks for pointing it out.

    Now anyways, I feel you've improved upon the description but I'm still iffy about the constant thoughts. I understand it adds to his character, but it seems a little iffy to me.
    I'm glad to hear that I'm still improving. The thoughts should slow down quite a lot, as he's not going to have to talk to himself all the time anymore. Not to say it'll be replaced with a bunch of unnecessary dialogue, but it'll certainly not be quite as prevalent in future chapters.

    Thanks again for reviewing, Charred! I appreciate it!
    Last edited by Kukansis; 12th February 2014 at 7:00 AM.

  12. #12
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    Chapter 3: Identity

    Enough about that, where-

    -but how did this-

    -Are we dead?


    -------------------------------------------------------------

    Charmander woke up slowly, his body not wanting to work again. Those messages just keep getting weirder... He decided to ignore the wild thoughts he had while sleeping, instead focusing on getting up and moving again. Why do I feel so tired? I literally just slept! He sat up and opened his eyes, finding himself outside of the cave with the sun already risen. How did I get out here? Wasn’t I next to the fire?

    He looked around and saw that he was on dead, slightly charred grass. A strange gap in the white substance he had grown to loathe had formed around him. Guess I melted a hole in it... But why am I out here?

    “Alright, so before I ask, thank you...” a voice called out from behind him. He turned around to see the Bulbasaur walking out of the cave. He spoke again while tilting his head slightly. “But, uh, what are you doing? I would think a living fire wouldn’t want to sleep in the snow.”

    Charmander couldn’t help but grin; his efforts had just saved a life, after all. “Must’ve been sleepwalking. Doesn’t matter anyway. How’re you holding up?”

    The Bulbasaur shook itself before responding, sending a few residual shards of ice off his back. “Not feeling perfect, but I can’t complain.” A vine shot out from the Bulbasaur’s back and flew in front of Charmander.

    Charmander grabbed the vine and pulled himself up, barely understanding the Bulbasaur’s gesture. “Thanks. Now I think we have a lot to talk about, but this... might not be the best of places.”

    A quick glance around showed many footprints in the snow. Charmander hadn’t paid enough attention to the Snover to know if the footprints were theirs, but the size of them alone made shivers run up his spine.

    “Yeah, you’re right. Where do you plan on going?”

    “Uh...” Charmander frowned and scratched his head. “To be honest, I have no idea where I am. Mind if I stick with you?”

    Bulbasaur stared at him in disbelief. “How did you even-” He stopped and shook his head. “Never mind. Feel free to stick with me. It’d probably be a lot safer.”

    Safer for you, at least. Charmander thought as he spoke. “Well, let’s get out of here then.”

    The Bulbasaur nodded and moved ahead of him, heading toward the forest he had collected firewood from. Charmander followed closely behind him, still searching the area for any motions or signs of life. He nearly ran into Bulbasaur when they suddenly stopped at the forest’s edge.

    “Oh, by the way, name’s Zeke. How about yourself?”

    “Uh...” Charmander was caught off guard by the sudden question. “To tell you the truth, I don’t have a name. Never got one.”

    “What?” Zeke snickered to himself and shook his head again. “You are just the weirdest Pokémon I’ve ever met. What, did you come from a Mystery Dungeon or something?”

    Charmander had no trouble picking up the mocking tone in Zeke’s voice. “N-no! I just didn’t get named. Is that so hard to believe?”

    “Yes, it is!” Zeke almost growled out as his humor gave way to irritation. “Maybe I’m missing something about you, but around here, everyone has a name. Some are more willing than others to give them out, sure, but everyone at least has one.”

    “I don’t, though!” Charmander replied as a mixture of anger and fear began to show in his voice. “Look, I don’t know where I am, I don’t know what’s going on, I don’t even know if saving you was a good thing! I’m completely lost here and you’re suddenly getting mad at me because I don’t have a name?”

    Zeke muttered something, but Charmander wasn’t close enough to hear what. “Fine, I’ll believe you, but you’ve got some explaining to do once we get somewhere safer.”

    I think we both do. Charmander nearly stated, but he held back and didn’t speak. Zeke stood still ahead, seemingly waiting for a response. After a few seconds had passed with no response from Charmander, he began to walk forwards.

    “Come on, it won’t take too long to get back to town.” Zeke called out, his voice suddenly devoid of the prior frustration. “Hope you’re ready to fight before we get there, though.”

    Charmander once again held his tongue as he began to follow the Bulbasaur into the forest. Man, talk about ungrateful. Is it really that hard to believe someone who just saved your life?

    -------------------------------------------------------------

    Charmander had a growing sense that something was wrong. The deeper they went into the forest, the denser the trees to their sides seemed to become, almost making a forced path through them. Tracks of Pokémon became more frequent in the snow surrounding them, and their footprints continually confused Charmander with their shapes or sizes.

    It wasn’t until the trees had nearly formed a complete wall that Charmander got an idea of what was going on. “So, this place...” Charmander started as he glanced around. “It’s a Mystery Dungeon, isn’t it?”

    “No, not really,” Zeke replied dryly. “You should have already come through here, anyways. Why don’t you know this?”

    Does he still think I’m lying? Charmander was about to reply when Zeke suddenly leapt to the side. Zeke rolled sideways into the thick fence of trees, and Charmander barely had enough time to look back up before he realized why Zeke had done that.

    A forceful stream of water slammed him in the chest, tossing him backwards into the snow. The pain almost made him think he was being cut open by the water, and he involuntarily screamed as the sharp, stinging sensation rushed across his entire front half, made even worse by the snow smothering his tail. He grit his teeth as he fought to stand up, barely managing to get his legs under him as the pain began to subside.

    He looked back up at his attacker, only to see Zeke unleashing a barrage of sharp leaves towards it. Several red gashes appeared on the blue Pokémon ahead of him as the leaves sliced into its legs and face. The Pokémon’s finlike tail lashed back and forth, as if it were trying to reflect the leaves back. Zeke relentlessly continued his offense until the other Pokémon gave off a shrill and primal cry.

    As the barrage stopped, Charmander saw their opponent beginning to charge up another blast of water. Before it could unleash its torrent, Zeke rushed ahead to it and slammed headfirst into the Pokémon’s face. Their opponent held its ground for a few seconds after Zeke’s blow, but it began to sway back and forth as it lost consciousness, dropping heavily into the soft snow.

    Charmander clutched onto his sore chest as he tried to process what had happened. “What was that?”

    “A Vaporeon,” Zeke replied as he walked back towards Charmander. “Guess I got lucky there. I expected something that would hurt me more instead.”

    “Yeah, well, it sure did a pretty good job of hurting me,” Charmander replied as he began to try to sweep the water off of himself. “A little warning would’ve been nice.”

    “Yeah, but again, I was expecting an Ice-Type. I’d already moved before I realized it was more dangerous to you than to me.”

    “Sure you did...” Charmander grumbled to himself as he stopped trying to remove the water by hand. He breathed out a small stream of fire onto his chest, evaporating the liquid. The warmth also helped to dull the pain, though it still felt like a fresh cut on his chest. “So, any more surprises like that waiting for us ahead?”

    “Not unless those Snovers catch us again. This place is only ever guarded by one Pokémon.”

    Charmander nearly asked why, but he stopped as he another question took precedence. “Hey... If you were past this point, how’d you ever get past this alone?”

    “I wasn’t alone, that’s how. But we should probably keep moving.” Zeke abruptly turned around and began walking away, beyond the Vaporeon’s unresponsive body.

    “If you weren’t alone, where was-”

    Zeke interrupted, keeping his voice calm as he continued to walk. “Hey, avoiding Snovers, remember?”

    “Right.” Charmander held in another cry of pain as he moved to follow the Bulbasaur. So dodgy about everything. Maybe it was wrong to save him... Or maybe he’s just really untrusting. I guess I’ll see once we get to wherever he’s leading me.

    -------------------------------------------------------------

    The walk through the rest of the forest took only a few minutes, but it felt like hours to Charmander as his chest continued to sting, hindering his movements and distracting him from his search for the Snovers. By the time they had reached the edge of the forest, the pain had dulled down to a mild aching sensation.

    Charmander could barely see through the gaps in the trees a white wall extending before them, a large archway straight ahead marking an entrance. Strangely, no one seemed to be guarding the gate. “So this is the town?” Charmander asked as they began to pass through the archway.

    “Yeah, they’re a bit paranoid, so they built a wall around it. You might want to lay low while you’re here.”

    “What, just because I’m a living fire? Am I really that dangerous to- oh.” Charmander stopped as he saw what was in the town. Every building in sight was made of either snow, ice, or a mixture of both. The vast majority Pokémon walking throughout the streets were Ice-Type, and no other Fire-Types were visible. “Guess I am really that dangerous.”

    “It’s a good thing you haven’t evolved yet. They might actually attack you if you were.”

    “Are we really that big of a problem?”

    “No, it has to do with the-” Zeke stopped walking and sighed. “Right, you wouldn’t know about that since you don’t seem to know anything.”

    Charmander ignored the insult and changed the subject. “So, where would we go to, uh...”

    “Interrogate each other?” Zeke joked. “Well, the local Cafe might be a good place. Even though it’s popular, no one will really feel threatened by you being there. Hopefully they won’t focus on you.”

    “Well, lead the way, then.” Charmander waited for Zeke to move, but instead Zeke started laughing. Charmander opened his mouth to ask what was so funny, but Zeke pointed a vine to his right. Charmander turned and saw a building that looked just like any other in the town. “What, is that the Cafe?”

    “That it is. They built it close to the gate in order to attract adventurers of all sorts.” Zeke moved ahead and pulled open the wooden door with one of his vines. “Stick with me in here, Charmander. Unless you want to be assaulted... Or worse.” Zeke walked through and kept a vine outstretched, holding the door open.

    “Pretty sure that we’d be sticking together if we’re ‘interrogating’ each other,” Charmander replied as he passed into the Cafe.

    The inside of the building seemed almost surreal. He was used to the brick and stone that they used in Blaze Town, but the floors and walls were all made of wood that looked as if it were taken straight from the nearby forest. Even more confusing, it was warm inside, despite multiple Ice-types hanging around.

    “C’mon, Charmander, that table’s open.” Zeke ambled his way over to a circular wooden platform barely raised off the ground.

    “I wouldn’t even have realized that was a table.”

    Charmander followed him and sat down on the ground, making certain to keep his tail in the air. He noticed many of the patrons staring at him, but after a few minutes they all went back to their own business. Zeke was looking around and waited until they had all turned away to begin speaking.

    “Alright, so let me just get this out of the way... Do you really not have a name?”

    “I really don’t,” Charmander replied insistently. “I lived alone my whole life, so there never was anyone to name me.”

    “Well, if we’re going to be working together, I’m going to need something to call you.”

    “What? Who said anything about-”

    “Look at the facts here,” Zeke responded, cutting him off. “You don’t have a clue where you are from the sounds of it, not to mention the fact that none of these guys will help you, and I’m not exactly welcome around anymore. Neither of us have much in the way of alternatives.”

    Charmander looked downwards as he thought over Zeke’s words. “I guess you have a point. But what do you want to call me? What’s wrong with just calling me Charmander?”

    “I’d rather be working with an individual, not just another member of a species.” Zeke asserted before a snide smirk suddenly crossed his face. “Besides, you saved a random person’s life on a whim. Someone as daring as you should be brave enough to make a name for himself.”

    Oh, we’re going to play that card against me now, huh? Charmander returned a smirk as an idea began to form in his head. “Alright, do you want a name now, then?”

    “I’d prefer it, yes.”

    “Dare,” Charmander replied.

    “Huh?” Zeke tilted his head.

    “Dare. Just call me Dare.” After repeating it the third time, Charmander began to actually think about it. I actually like the sound of that.

    Zeke chuckled nervously. “That’s not a name. That’s a term people use to make their friends do stupid things.”

    “Hey, you wanted a name, I gave you one. My turn for a question?”

    Zeke glowered as he responded. “Fine, but we’re not dropping that subject. What’s your question?”

    “How did you end up half-frozen in that cave with a pack of Snovers trying to kill you?”

    “That did look strange, didn’t it...?” Zeke continued to frown. “Truth is, I’m an archaeologist. I was part of a group that travelled here, but I decided to wander a bit too far off. I made a discovery they apparently didn’t want me to, so they tried to convince me to give it up. I refused, and they tried to freeze me solid and take it.” Zeke stopped and let out a heavy sigh. “I got desperate enough that I actually pulled it out to give it to them, but for some reason they ran off the moment I did. They just left me there in that cave, slowly freezing to death. That’s about where you came in.”

    Charmander scratched at the side of his head. “What was your discovery?”

    “Aren’t we switching off every question?” Zeke replied deridingly.

    “Right, sorry.” Charmander shivered as a cold wind came blowing through the door behind him, forcing his body once again to realize just how extreme the temperature outside truly was. Zeke started to speak but stopped as the entering Pokémon caught his attention.

    Charmander turned his head to look just as a white blur moved past him. He moved his head back to see the strange Pokémon, a white birdlike biped with strange red and blue rings patterned across its torso. “Thank goodness I found you, Zeke!” the Pokémon blurted out as it ran to his side. “W-we need your help, and-”

    “Whoa, whoa, slow down there, Togetic!” Zeke exclaimed over him while nervously glancing around the room. He stretched out a vine and forced the Togetic to sit down. Zeke once again waited for the Pokémon around them to turn away before continuing. “Calmly now... What is going on?”

    “Well, w-we were just looking around the docks when she-”

    “Who?” Charmander interrupted. “Who else was with you?”

    “Dare, stop.” Zeke’s voice was stern, but Charmander did notice he was being respectful in using the name he’d just been given. “I know what he’s talking about and I’ll explain it to you later. Okay, Togetic, speedy explanation. Please.”

    “R-right, we were on the docks and she noticed a whirlpool off to the side. She saw it was glowing a st-strange green color and decided to explore it. W-we jumped in and it almost literally spat us out into an underw-water cave.”

    Charmander shifted uncomfortably, chills running up his spine at the mention of underwater, but Zeke remained unmoved as the Togetic continued. “L-long story short, that cave is a Mystery Dungeon, and I got knocked out while we were exploring... I ended up unconscious on the dock, but she hasn’t come back yet, and I’m really worried.”

    “No luck getting back to her either, I’m assuming?” Zeke asked once the Togetic had finished. He responded with a slow shake of its head, still quivering anxiously.

    “I couldn’t get anywhere n-near as far alone.” Togetic looked away in shame. “That’s why I need your help.”

    Charmander stood up before speaking. “Guess this conversation’s gonna have to wait, huh?”

    “Yeah...” Zeke reluctantly nodded and walked towards the door. “So, when are we heading there?”

    Togetic’s black eyes seemed to widen. “I-I was hoping we’d go as soon as you were ready.”

    “Well, I’m ready now. Dare?”

    Charmander scratched at his chin and shrugged. “If this doesn’t actually involve me drowning like it sounds, I’m as ready as I’ll ever be.”

    Zeke chuckled at Charmander’s response. “In that case, lead the way, Togetic.”

    Togetic gave a quick and silent nod, walking ahead of Zeke and opening the door. “It’s not far.”

    Zeke went ahead, seemingly unfazed by the situation at hand. Charmander hesitated for a moment while he collected his thoughts. Well, I guess that makes my name official. Might as well just have Dare be my real name from now on... Where did I pull that out of, though? His thoughts shifted to his tail as he thought about their next move. My tail.. How am I supposed to get into an underwater cave when I’m a living fire?

    I hope there’s more to this plan than just jumping in...



    -------------------------------------------------------------
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    Author's Note: First things first, sorry for the wait!

    Anyways, this chapter was a bit tricky. I worked hard to keep the dialogue down in this chapter to a reasonable amount, although it was hard to do so since there was a lot that needed to be explained.

    Thanks to Shadow Lucario 50 and SableVulpi for helping me out!

  13. #13
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    Well, well, well, good to see a chapter up! And I gotta say, I like how it's going so far! I like the interactions between Zeke amd the newly named Dare, oh and by the ways, nice name! XD Anyways... The description was just right in my opinion amd I suggest you keep it that way as to avoid it getting clunky(?) or well basically over descriptive. And very good job in keeping the thoughts (and dialogue) at a reasonable amount! It's not easy to pull that off. But uh... I think it's just me, but I think I see something contradictory... When that Togetic came, Zeke acted like he knew him (or was it her? I forgot...) but didn't seem to call the Togetic by name, which is contradictory to what he said about preferring to call others by their name. But other than that, you've definitely improved since the prologue and there's nothing I can see (in my unexperienced eye) to criticize about so, again, good job! And I can't wait to see the next chapter!
    Last edited by TheCharredDragon; Yesterday at 10:50 AM.
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