Results 1 to 10 of 10

Thread: Credite Posteri

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Jan 2016
    Posts
    38

    Default Credite Posteri

    Hello. My name is Yagami Kyo and, as a casual writer, I've decided to write a Pokémon fanfic to celebrate? the 20th anniversary of the franchise. First of all, I would really appreciate any constructive commentary, and I do accept grammar corrections, for my native language isn't English. I hope you enjoy.

    Credite Posteri

    This is rated T for several mature themes, as violence. Caution advised.

    Summary: A world shaken. The activation of the Ultimate Weapon in the region of Kalos has broken the balance in the world. Peace seems too fragile, and people in this always changing situation try to adapt to the consequences of the latest events in the world.


        Spoiler:- Chapter List:



    A Pillar of Light [Bursts through the Heavens]

    “...readings are unstable!”

    It was a moment of chaos in the main building of the Devon Corporation. The scientists running from one computer to another, trying to understand the meaning of the strange reading the satellites were sending, changed the peaceful atmosphere of the building into a jungle of knowledge.

    “K-03 is sending its report...Infinity Energy confirmed!” said a young intern named Russell. His three months in the Corporation seemed too long now. The mixture of euphoria and concern in his face was apparent as he forcefully took the printed paper. They were to show them to Mr. Stone, the president of the Corporation. That was the protocol in case of an unexplained Infinity Energy reading. But as he was trying to give the piece of paper to his superior, Dr. Lan, the old man rejected it with a simple look. Most of the newcomers were afraid of his harsh look, but that time was different. Even though he tried to be the same as always, one could see the drops of sweat running through his wasted skin. And his eyes had that worried look Russell couldn’t stand.

    “Hurry and take it to Mr. Stone, Russell!”

    The foreign scientist hurried to talk to other scientists, and Russell just stood there for a few moments. His time perception had been altered, for they seemed endless. He closed his eyes for another instant and rushed to the elevator, pushing the button to Mr. Stone’s office.

    /-------\

    A couple of hours later, in the near Kanto region, the Silph Corporation was in a similar uproar. The old and kind Alan Silph had been running his Corporation for years. He had survived the attack of the malevolent Team Rocket, and he will always be grateful to the young trainer that saved him and his employees. But he was old, and he was tired. And so, when his old friend Mr. Fuji called him, he felt melancholic.

    “It is all throughout the news Alan. Blaine contacted me a minute ago. What do you know?” said the voice in the speaker.

    “Unfortunately, we know very little. Mr. Stone from the Devon Corporation called earlier. It seems to be the same Infinity Energy they detected when that meteorite was about to kill all of us.”

    “Ah, yeah! You told me about that. But wasn’t that several years ago?”

    “Indeed, my friend. We were lucky enough that some girl knew how to summon the Legendary Dragon. But I don’t think I can handle all of this stress...”

    “Are you gonna step down then? In this critical moment?”

    “I am tired, old friend. I am too tired...”

    Alan looked at the two reports in his desk, both sent by the Devon Corporation. The titles were “Emergency Infinity Energy Report”, which he received minutes ago. And there was another one, its title being “Project PokéNet”. He had planned Project PokéNet to be his last work before retiring. A glorious retirement, so that everyone would always remember him for doing something good. While he didn’t understand all of the technical details behind it, the concept started in a business encounter with both the Devon Corporation and other smaller companies and laboratories. They had contacted Lysandre Laboratories as well, but they had only gotten a negative from them. And now, he could understand the reason: Lysandre wanted to destroy the world, or so the news were saying.

    “I promised to see the PokéNet come to fruition, and so I will. But I will probably retire after that. I am too old for this. Too old...”

    /-------\

    Professor Oak and his grandson, professor Blue, were watching the television, as everyone in Pallet Town was doing.

    “...Flare are suspected to be the culprits of this incident. Any citizen with information should contact the International Police. It is known that Lysandre Laboratories are under investigation right now. We will keep you informed...”

    Professor Oak had a worrisome look on his face. This was one of the most problematic incidents in recent years. In comparison to the recent events in Unova, in which Team Plasma apparently managed to merge two Legendary Pokémon into one. That was a local incident that was luckily avoided by a local trainer. But this was different. The scale of this incident, in which the Ultimate Weapon was shot, was surely to have disastrous consequences.

    “What should we do, Gramps?”

    His grandson Blue had been a Champion one, and last year he had been in that same region, in Kalos, studying. It was, then, normal for him to fear for his classmates and friends he made during his time abroad. But even then, he had kept his his head in his place. The look in his eyes made the old professor happy inside, for his grandson had finally become an adult.

    “There’s nothing we can do. I understand how you feel, but this is not for us to decide.”

    “Yeah...I understand Gramps. But I am worried.”

    Professor Oak smiled at his grandson and put a hand on his shoulder, reassuring him.

    “The best thing you can do, however, is to call you friends in Kalos. You must be worried about them.”

    Blue assented with his head and went out of the laboratory. When the door closed, however, professor Oak started to make some Green Tea with Moomoo Milk. He had received them from several of his professor friends over the years, and liked to drink it when he was worried. The television kept playing on the background. They were now broadcasting political responses from several countries.

    “...not be intimidated by Kalos and his Ultimate Weapon! The war 3000 years ago should have helped us learn not to use Legendary Pokémon in such a way. But somehow, over all of this years, not only have the weapon somehow survived but it had been shot today. How can we tolerate this? I will say that our country will not, I repeat, will not, be scared!” the man in the television was proclaiming. He didn’t seem like a fool, however foolish his words were.

    “I have a bad feeling about this...” said professor Oak as he tried his drink. “I need sugar...”

    The world was changing, and in his mind, the peaceful days he had enjoyed could be ending.

    /-------\

    A white room, with lots of machines in it. A table with lots of papers stood on the center of it, with several people writing on them.

    “From our calculations, the chances of survival are...”

    “I know, I’ve read the report” said a man in an elegant suit, looking through a glass in the room.

    “Then you’ll understand why we can’t continue” a scientist with a pallid face said, almost on the verge of collapsing. “The others...”

    “The others were prepared for it. And you know it. They volunteered for this.”

    “In exchange of what? This is inhuman!”

    The suited man approached the glass, touching it with his hand. It wasn’t easy for him either. But he had to be strong.

    “We have failed a lot of times, my friend. I understand. Do you think I don’t feel pain? Do you think I don’t care? Oh, but I do. Every morning, when I think of all the...atrocities we’ve done. But it is necessary.”

    “But sir...The child is different. Her synchronization value is indeed out of the charts, but she didn’t volunteer for this.”

    Taking his glasses and cleaning them, the man turned to look at the scientist. His face was harsh.

    “Have you heard the news, Malcolm?”

    “The news, sir? Not today. We have been testing all the different procedures. We have also done several analysis on...”

    “I see. I think you should take a break, Malcolm” the suited man said while he wore his glasses on. “Go to your family, have a nice dinner with your son. It must have been several days since you last saw him”

    “Indeed, sir. I would love to, but I can’t just leave the lab right now.”

    “I know your importance in this, Doctor Malcolm. And I promise you that there will be no further experimentation until you are back“ said as he put a hand on Malcolm’s shoulder, reassuring him. “Now go.”

    Malcolm was confused at the kind man’s words.

    But he did leave the building. The man sighed, and looked through the window once again. He could see a child playing with a pokémon on the other side, and his chest burned.

    Am I doing the right thing?

    The girl just kept on playing, her smile illuminating the room.

    Please, forgive me. This is for everyone. Forgive me.
    Last edited by Yagami Kyo; 15th August 2016 at 6:49 PM. Reason: Different corrections

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Jan 2016
    Posts
    38

    Default

    The Ever Changing World [Doesn’t Love You]


    Lumiose City. A hub of sorts, in which thousands of people from all of the Kalos region and beyond live. It was one of the central cities in the world, known for its elegance and sophisticated shops and cafés. Its impact on the global economy relied mostly on its pop culture. Indeed, it was a city of joy. However, its citizens were feeling the discomfort of the event known as “Flare Incident” by the news. It had been three years already, and yet it was a day that could not be forgotten.

    “That pillar of light scared me well, I tell you” gossiped one old lady with her friends while walking on Lumiose’s populated streets.

    A man walked by the group of ladies, listening closely but carefully. He enjoyed listening to people’s different opinions about everything. How one could prefer to have one fresh Soda Pop or a good oran berry juice. Or how one could prefer to own a skitty or a meowth. It entertained him. He preferred Soda Pop, however. The sweet fizzyness of a fresh Soda Pop was something he enjoyed as well.

    “Might as well buy one” said as he looked for a vending machine. He found one on the other side of the street, and decided to cross it. He waited until there was no car on his sight and approached the machine. He checked the different flavours, and decided for a lemon Soda Pop. He checked the prizes.

    “What the...How expensive is this city? Do you expect me to spend 500 yen on it?” he complained while taking his wallet and opening it. After selecting the Soda Pop and inserting the money, he was surprised when not one, but two Soda Pop cans were ejected, and in the screen a message was shown, with a joyful voice said: “Score! You got a bonus drink.”

    “Oh, this is my lucky day” he said as he was about to take his price. He did not expect a shadow to emerge from its side. He was too slow to react to it, as he didn’t expect to be attacked in the middle of the day. However, soon he realized the shadow had gotten the two cans of Soda Pop and fled with them.

    “Come here, you little...!”

    He began running though the streets, avoiding the other people while trying to catch the fast moving shadow. His feet moved quite fast, as he was used to this. He was certain that that pokémon, as there was no other explanation for the thievery, couldn’t really expect him to be that fast. Right. Left. Straight he kept running. He was glad all of the training he had done was useful in these kinds of situations. Right again. He found himself in a dead end, with no sound or movement in his surroundings. There were a couple of trash cans to his left, and a wall in front of him. One step. Still no movement. He took another step, slowly. If he was to react again, he needed to catch that pokémon before it escaped again.

    Closing his eyes, he decided to guide himself by sound. Trying to ignore the noise of the city, all the people talking, all the cars moving. Kids playing. Old women talking. Parents and children enjoying a good day.

    And a sudden sound.

    Left? No, left is a distraction. Right! he thought as his gaze met the shadow figure behind the cans. Jackpot. It was a meowstic. A female one from its looks. And he had to be careful, Meowstic’s psychic powers were strong enough to destroy a big truck, or so a friend of his had told him once.

    “Hey, Meow Meow. Gimme my drinks, will you?” he asked calmly. The pokémon, with both Soda Pop cans on his hands gave the man an indifferent look. The tension in the air could be felt, as he decided to bend to his knees and approach once again the pokémon. “Look, I have nothing against you, but those are mine. Can you give them to me?”.As he was about to take his rightful drinks from the hands of the pokémon, a strong voice could be heard from behind.

    “You get away from Mimi!” he heard when the girl was about to kick him. It was too fast. The girl was trained. But he managed to dodge it, and with a roll he ended up two meters away from the meowstic and the girl. He observed them for a few instants before he spoke “That friend of yours took my drinks, I just want them back.”

    “Your drinks? What do you mean, you thief! I’m sure you wanted to sell Mimi in the black market. Prepare yourself to-”. She couldn’t finish her sentence after she looked at the meowstic named Mimi holding two cans of Soda Pop.

    “Told you” was the only response the man could give.

    /-------\

    “I’m truly sorry!” apologized the girl.

    They were in Centrico Plaza, sitting on a bench close to the Gym. The poor girl kept on apologizing for the behaviour of her pokémon.

    “It’s fine, it’s fine.”

    The two of them were drinking one of the Soda Pop cans. It was a bizarre situation, and he could feel the tension between them. Not that he actually cared much about it. But the girl seemed to.

    “Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Emma, and this is Mimi. Nice to meet you!” she said enthusiastically.

    “Same” said the man apathetically while taking a sip of his drink.

    “You should at least introduce yourself! I’ll feel bad unless you do.”

    “Sure, sure. Name’s Fan Lan.”

    “Nice to meet you Mister Fan Lan”

    “No, no. Lan is my last name. But...whatever.”

    “Sorry, Mister La-”

    “And I’m not that old as to be called Mister. I am only twenty-five, you know.”

    “Ah!”

    The girl, Emma, was blushing all of a sudden. Now he felt weird. She looked about twenty, maybe a little younger. He felt really weird about her, because of her personality. He felt something was wrong. But he decided to ignore it for the moment.

    “And what are you doing in Lumiose City? You sound foreign.”

    “Work. My boss made me travel to this city all across the world. Seriously, that man gives me the most unfortunate jobs.”

    Emma smiled briefly, and the she looked him. “What kind of job? Are you a journalist or something like that?” she asked as she played with meowstic’s ears.

    “I am more of a jack of all trades. I do a little of this, and a little of that.”

    “I see. That explains how you managed to follow meowstic and evaded my kick. Which, again, I am really sorry about.”

    “Don’t sweat it. In my line of work one has to be prepared for everything.”

    Emma looked at him with a confused face. She didn’t seem to understand the meaning of “my line of work” exactly, but that was not Fan’s problem. It might even be for the best. He took another sip. The sweetness of the Soda Pop comforted him, after such a meaningless race. At the end of the day, however, he managed to get what he wanted, and he couldn’t ask for more.

    In the middle of such affairs, something buzzed in his pocket.

    “Oh, excuse me” he apologized as he took his old SmartGear. After unblocking the screen, a new massage could be found:

    [Unknown

    The package has arrived at point Delta. Rendezvous there.]

    Emma was trying to ascertain what was the message for, but Fan gave her a menacing look. He didn’t like his privacy violated, and much less in the middle of work. He shouldn’t have even started talking with this girl after the incident, but the sad face she used on him seemed to win. She kinda looks like...No, better stop, he thought for a moment.

    “That is an old SmartGear. Looks like the first one from two years ago, right?” Emma questioned, trying to break the ice.

    “It is. This is the first model actually compatible with the Net” he answered with an uninterested face.

    He thought about the past. How long had it been since the launch of the Net? Probably a couple of years, but he wasn’t sure about it. He did remember the news being all crazy about it, and some people even calling it the breakthrough of the century. Of course, people always exaggerated these kinds of inventions.

    “I bought mine last year. I saved money like crazy to buy it” said Emma while showing hers enthusiastically. Its case was a sweet and light blue instead of his black. He had no need of such eccentricities. For him it was a tool to use, and not something to be overjoyed about. He was getting tired of the strange conversation, however.

    “Well, I must excuse myself” Fan announced as he stood up. He had some Soda Pop left, but he wasn’t thirsty any more so he gave it to Mimi, for her to enjoy. “Do not do that again, are we clear?”

    Mimi nodded as if understanding his intentions, and took a sip. She took out her tongue as if not liking the drink. Fan was amazed at the craziness of the situation. The fact that the damn pokémon didn’t like the Soda Pop after the effort of stealing it from him was nothing short of comedic.

    “I guess Mimi doesn’t like Lemon Soda Pop, huh. I bet she tried to get the two cans to share it with me. Aren’t you such a cutie?” said Emma as she hugged the pokémon. Mimi emitted a pleasant sound in response. “Oh, can I have your number, Mister Fan?”

    She showed her SmartGear with a smile in her face. Fan took a hand to his black hair, scratching it a little before taking his. When they were closed enough, a transmission was sent between both of their SmartGears, and so they added each other.

    “Great. Well, see you around”

    Fan turned and started walking in the direction of his hotel. He didn’t understand the reason. Why did he exchange numbers with that woman? There was no need of it, and the chances of him coming back to Lumiose City were slim. His line of thought was interrupted when Emma shouted at him in the distance.

    “Mister Fan! See you around!” he heard. He imagined she was weaving her hand with energy. He kept walking, however. Forcing himself to ignore her. Such a relation wouldn’t be good for her.

    Emma looked at his SmartGear, to confirm the contact exchange. Touching the screen delicately, she searched for the new number in the list. Mimi at her side was trying the Soda Pop once again, not liking the taste of it. When Emma looked at the new added contact, she found the name of it was Unknown. “Huh?” was the only response she could give.

    /-------\

    The day became night in a question of hours. Such was the cycle, and Fan liked it. He was in one of the floors of the Hotel Richissime, the most luxurious hotel in the city. There was a good reason for him to be there: Point Delta. That was the codename of the room he had. He had found a suitcase with a fingerprint recognition, completely black. He took all the items inside, including two different Pokéballs and his dressing. It was a black jacket with a hoodie, and he dressed quickly and efficiently. It was a process he had done thousands of times.

    Looking at the clock, he waited. Only waited. He had some time to kill. Or so he thought, but a new message came to his SmartGear.

    [Unknown

    Target is in position. Proceed]

    He had no need for more. From his belt he took one of the Pokéballs, and opened it. A gengar, Yan Gui it name, came out of it. It had a funny smile in its face, as if he knew what they had to do. Fan touched gengar’s head as if telling him to wait. From the suitcase he took the last of his items: a white plain mask. His green eyes was the only thing the mask allowed someone to see of him. Another look at the clocked revealed him it was 10:58 PM.

    “Let’s do it, Yan Gui”

    He opened the window of his room and stood looking at it. Yan Gui, crossed the wall and stood floating at a distance close enough that Fan could jump to his back. They were several meters above the ground, near the façade of the building. His selection of black clothes was not casual. He needed to blend himself into the darkness. That is the reason he chose Yan Gui, his old gengar, as the ideal Pokémon for this job. Other pokémon could fly or levitate, but none were as perfect for the job as it.

    Slowly but steadily, Yan Gui started ascending. One floor. Three floors. His objective was on the top floor of the building, reserved for the most rich man in the world. It was said a single night there could cost a fortune, and normally several politicians and highly successful businessman were the only residents there. I wonder if they have a personal sauna, he thought as Yan Gui arrived at the destination. He was to the left of the window, and he spied with his right eye. There seemed to be an old man there, along with two women. He couldn’t really see one of them from the position he was at, but it didn’t matter: the man was his target. The women were probably no more than either secretaries, or in the worst case they were there to accompany him. He didn’t like that thought.

    However, that wasn’t for him to be concerned about.

    “We will wait seven minutes. If they leave him alone we’ll enter. If they don’t...”

    The gengar giggled. Yan Gui certainly enjoyed these kinds of situations. The wonders of being a ghost pokémon, Fan thought.

    The wait was too long for him. Too many factors to take into account. What if someone decided to take some fresh air on the floor beneath him, and a raised head spotted him? What if some teenager on the street decided to look at the hotel in jealously, and a mysterious pokémon was here? Alarms would ring everywhere. His pulse accelerated slowly, but he took a deep breath. No tension was allowed yet. He was taught that a calm mind and body were perfect.

    After four minutes, he took another peek at the room. It seemed that the man was alone. He decided to go for it. Gengar moved one of its arms and, through the wall, unlocked the window in silence. Hoping not the be found, he moved very quickly. He opened the window, leaving enough space for him to enter, and jumped inside. When he touched the ground, hengar had already gone through the wall, and managed to turn all the lights off. They had been planing this for a while, even studying the electrical circuits in the building. It was simple enough, cutting the cables of this room. But simple, most of the times, is better.

    He observed the room quickly, and found the target in question. He was at his bed, with a scared face, looking all around. But his gaze was looking a lot of times in the same direction. Something was wrong...

    A very high pitched sound made him lose his standing. What was it? He tried to close his ears and looked around. Something moved in one of the edges of the room. He could see a couple of yellow eyes hanging from the ceiling. A bat pokémon, he thought. The room was big enough for him to move, so he started planning his next move.

    “Where are you?! Come and save me!”

    He hadn’t realized the man was shouting. It seems he was expecting someone to help him. The door was opened loudly, and what seemed to him like a robot appeared from the door. Its head was like a black egg with a strong orange yolk. He understood from its fluid movements that it was not a robot, but a human.

    “You mischievous trespasser. Surrender, or Essentia will make you!” said a digital voice from the non-robot. Fan realized it was probably an enhanced suit of some kind. It wasn’t the first time he had seen enhanced suits, but that was the first one that covered the whole body. Also, the strange E in the helmet. Does he really have his initial in his helmet? That is weird. Does he think he is one of those heroes from movies. What were their names...Ah, I don’t remember! But they were surely cool in Brycen-Man V, were his thoughts as a crobat stood behind Essentia. That was the identity of the bat pokémon from before, as he could see from its shape. He was getting used to the darkness.

    Yan Gui appeared from behind Essentia and the crobat, and with a punch fused with shadows, tried to attack it. But it managed to evade the attack, and Essentia ran towards Fan. He prepared himself, with one hand in front of his head and the other at a mid body position. His opponent wore an enhanced suit, so the martial art known as Aikido was his best shot. If his rival was trying to be a hero of some sort, then he would avoid both upper and lower body attacks.

    And so it happened.

    Essentia went for a powerful kick, aimed at his torso. In a fast but precise set of movements, Fan not only avoided the attack, but also managed to catch the leg and make his rival fall to the floor. From the body build he could say Essentia was quite a young woman, maybe in her twenties or less. How would someone that young obtain such a suit? He heard a loud sound. He had only but minutes to complete his job. No time for the conflict. Throwing Essentia to one of the walls, he observed gengar. The fight with the crobat continued. No time. No time. He took the other Pokéball from his belt and opened it.

    A black greninja appeared from it. Now they were three against two. The numbers were on their side. However, time was their enemy. In about three and a half minutes, as he had calculated from his many visits at the hotel, several security guards would appear from that door.

    “Kunoichi, you get the girl” he whispered to his greninja’s ear while pointing at Essentia. He had taken the name from the legends of old in his country. The female greninja then jumped above the girl in the suit. He looked at Yan Gui again while approaching the old man. Its hands were, once again, covered in shadows, but the crobat was fighting back. No time. He jumped effortlessly and threw a knife to the old man’s leg, as he was trying to reach the door. That would stop him long enough for him to reach his objective.

    “Where is it?” Fan asked the man as he felt and shouted. Some blood was falling from the leg. “Where is it?” he asked again.

    “Who...who are you?” the man asked in fear. Fan had no time for this.

    “I will only ask you one more time” said Fan with another knife in his hand. Fear was a powerful weapon against weak people. He had planned to use Yan Gui to do it, with a little Hypnosis and Dream Eater he could easily obtain the information. But the appearance of the crobat changed everything. The man was looking at below the bed, his face frightened. He didn’t want to die. Of course he didn’t. It was against human nature. Taking a little bottle from his belt, he opened it and forced the man to breath the contents. A sound was produced when the man felt to its knees, and Fan hurried to the bed. Below it was a box, carefully locked. This was certainly his objective.

    Another strong sound. He reacted quickly, and he saw something unexpected. Kunoichi had been thrown against the bed. Did Essentia call another pokémon to her aid? No, that wasn’t true. She probably struggled to get Kunoichi out of her. That might probably be the reason her helmet was broken in pieces as it felt to the ground. He was finally able to see his rival’s face.

    Shock.

    Behind Essentia’s face was none other than the girl he had met earlier. Emma. A sweet girl with a trickster meowstic. Had it been a coincidence? Or was this destiny? He barely had time to react as Essentia tried to punch him in the face. With a quick move he was able to avoid severe damage, but part of his mask ended up in pieces. He felt the pain running through his cheek as shards of his mask were nailed into them. He couldn’t worry about it. Less than a minute left.

    “Y-you!” said Essentia, in apparent shock as well. She had recognized Fan. That was really bad news.

    The meeting between the two masks was too quick, however. Kunoichi threw some water shurikens at Essentia, but her enhanced abilities allowed her to evade them with three fast steps. Fan didn’t wait a second since the first shuriken was thrown. He started running to the window. He could hear steps outside the room. Probably running up the stairs. Both of his pokémon knew what to do in order to run. The gengar disappeared below the floor, confusing the crobat, and Kunoichi jumped a couple of times to reach the window, before positioning herself besides his master.

    This is the worst part, he thought while looking at the window. “Halt!” he could hear from the door, several meters behind him. He turned around to see the guards that had come. Three guards and a pyroar, though he couldn’t determine whether it was male or female due to the darkness and distance between them. They didn’t manage to turn the lights on, not yet at least, and so he had no actual need to cover his face form them. A horrible sound came from beyond the window, and he heard one of the guards shout “Flamethrower!”. He jumped.

    Three seconds. He took Kunoichi’s Pokéball while the glass behind him broke into pieces. Two seconds. He pointed at Kunoichi, that jumped after him, with the Pokéball, and successfully managed to return her to it. One second. He felt heat in the same hand. Kunoichi was already inside the Pokéball, yet he could feel his skin burning, and the Pokéball’s metal was starting to melt. The flames had managed to reach his hand. A failed evasion.

    Time.

    Yan Gui appeared from behind him and took him mid air. He saw the confused face of Essentia, of Emma, looking at him.

    Mission complete, he thought while Yan Gui flew into the Laverre Natural Trail.


    -----------------------------------

    I hope you enjoy the chapter.
    Last edited by Yagami Kyo; 28th January 2016 at 9:53 AM. Reason: Different corrections

    The world after the firing of the Ultimate Weapon. Consequences will follow

    Latest chapter: 2-B. Traveling (15-08-2016)

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Jan 2016
    Posts
    38

    Default

    The Fair Maiden [Lies Under the Shadow]

    "You will live with your aunt now."

    The voice of his father seemed so distant. So sad.

    "Bu-but Father! I don't want!"

    A memory in a dream. A very young girl holding her aunt's hand. She tried to escape her grip, but a kid's strength wasn't enough.

    "Are you OK with this, Anton? I know her loss was hard, but..."

    "I don't want this! Father, why are you doing this?!"

    She remembered her father's face. Like he didn't want to meet her eyes. Like her existence was too much for him to bear.

    Lena was a smart girl. Her father always said it. Yet he didn't listen to her now. Why wasn't he listening to her?

    "Father! Don't leave me here! Father!"

    She remembered her father's back walking into the distance, and the warm hug of her aunt. She became unable to see him.

    She cried.


    Tears ran down Lena's cheeks.

    It's been a while, she thought as she dried them.

    She looked around and got out of the bed, looking for the bathroom. She washed her face thoroughly, as if her sadness would vanish with the water. She felt stupid. After losing against Whitney in a really embarrassing way, her only desire had been a good bed to sleep in. And she did, in the upper floor of the Pokémon Center. She wasn't expecting a bad dream to attack her at night as well.

    All these years and I can't forget, huh.

    She took her SmartGear from the table and logged in to one of the groups she frequented. Nobody had written anything since last night, so after leaving a good morning message she prepared herself to leave.

    [Morning!

    Training day!

    Let's give our best today!]

    /-_-_-_-\


    "...local police in Kalos is investigating the incident. In other news, the meeting between all the different parties involved in the Kanto-Johto Unification Proposal has been, according to Indigo Plateau's Champion Lyra, 'a great step forward in the consolidation of not only an unified League, but an unified Government as well'. Other representatives have..."

    "Can you change the channel? This is boring"

    The voice of a bored girl resonated through the popular Café Élégance, one of the most popular in Goldenrod City. The decoration was based on Florencian architecture, with even a painting of the Prism Tower in one of the walls. In her table, a half filled cup of coffee accompanied by a croissant. The café's owner managed to make her buy it, proclaiming that it was 'the winner recipe of the 37th Kalos Bakery Contest'. While she had to admit that it was quite good, it was far from the best she had tried.

    "Sorry, Sweetie. I am interested in this."

    Other costumers were watching the television as if their lives were at stake. She was just bored of it. Everyone in Johto had been talking about it for weeks, or maybe longer. She had only been in the region for a month after leaving her aunt's home, so she couldn't really know when it started.

    "But there are other interesting things as well. Like contests! Those are nice! I think they will broadcast Hoenn's..."

    The owner, a woman slightly older than her, of affable face and nice figure with long blonde curls named Violette, was ignoring her. Every man in the room looked at her discretely, and only when Violette didn't look. Apparently, she had become kind of an idol around the city. No wonder the local was full of people.

    She hurried to finish her breakfast and approached the counter, taking a couple of dollars from her pocket. The owner faced her and took her money with her hands.

    "Are you going to have dinner here as well, Ma chérie?" said Violette as she left the exchange on her hands. She loved when she called her
    ma chérie
    in her lovely Florencian accent. She took the money back and put it in her pocket. "I can prepare some food for your pokémon as well."

    "Yes, please! I will be delighted!"

    Violette giggled in response to the youthful response

    "Well then, good luck, Lena!"

    It was already nine, a good moment to start with training as any. With her stomach full and her mind focused, she started walking north.

    "Route thirty-five, there we go!"

    After three hours of hard training against wild pokémon, Lena reached her objective: making her hoppip Plume evolve to a beautiful skiploom. She was exhausted after that, and so she decided to relax under a tree's shadow. After a few weeks of training, she had already obtained not a single badge, and her pokémon team wasn't really increasing in numbers. Whitney's miltank turned out to be a formidable opponent to her poor skiploom, so she decided to take some days to train herself.

    Besides evolving Plume, she had decided to catch a new pokémon on that day's training. She had scouted, however, mostly pidgeys on her way, and she already had a flying pokémon with her. They told me they were really rare to find in this route. Why are there so many pidgeys here? She was aiming at something different, maybe a drowzee or one of those cute nidoran. They looked strong, but Plume should be able to weak them enough to be captured. And then she could challenge that horrible miltank once again.

    But even with all of her worries, she was enjoying her travel. The freedom. The adventure. Those were things she had never been able to enjoy. And she was glad. Glad that she was finally free. Even if her talent as a trainer was lacking, she enjoyed it. She was feeling really comfortable under that tree, however, so she decided to spend a couple of minutes relaxing there. A fresh breeze caressed her skin as her red hair moved swiftly.

    Her joy was disturbed by a pokémon's cry. She stood up quickly, cleaning her jeans from the grass, and started walking into the forest. The cry of the pokémon was nearby. She didn't recognize it, but she kept on going. At least it's not another pidgey.

    Lena decided to hide behind a tree as the cry grew near. She felt some sap between her fingers, and probably sticking into her clothes. Even while hiding, she tried to keep her head away from the tree. She did love her hair. It was just like her mother's. "Red like fire, just like hers" was something her aunt said more than once. Barely falling down until her shoulders, she did cut if before coming to Johto. Being a trainer with long hair could only mean problems in the future.

    She observed once again, trying to find the pokémon.

    Bingo, she thought as she saw a female nidoran's figure. And another one. And another one. And several male nidorans as well. In fact, not only were they crying, but they seemed to be running from something. What is happening here?

    A small female nidoran ended up close to her. She bent to her knees to observe the pokémon in more detail. It had several bruises all over its body.

    "Poor thing...What happened to you?"

    She heard a strong noise from between the trees. In fact, one tree fell from a strong hit. A nidoking had fallen, and it was probably the nidorans' father. What was happening?

    "Nidoking!"

    She took the injured nidoran between her arms and rushed to the fallen pokémon. It was in a horrible state. Not only was it severely injured, but its horn was broken. Lena felt dizzy for a second. She was confused.

    What should I do?

    "How many more do we need?"

    It was a man's voice, coming from the same direction the nidoking came from. She was afraid. Because she couldn't do anything for the nidoking. And she felt horrible because of that. Why was it so hard on her? Pokémon battles were dangerous and brutal. But somehow, this didn't look like any battle. It was a hunt.

    "Oh, what do we have here?"

    The man had arrived, watching Lena and nidoking. Besides him was a scizor, holding half a horn in one of its claws. Lena didn't know what to do.

    "What are you doing to these pokémon? This is cruel!"

    "Is it?" the man asked. He was not too tall for an adult, but his body was pretty muscular. There was no way to defeat him in physical combat. And his scizor was strong enough to defeat such a huge nidoking. She had no options there.

    I have to run!

    Without a second thought, she ran. She evaded trees without stopping, and felt the weight of the injured nidoran. It was lighter than she expected, however. She heard the scizor following her, but she didn't stop. She couldn't stop.

    Too slow.

    Scizor had already reached her, and hit her. She fell to, the ground and her whole body hurt. Feeling the pain in her knees, her legs resisted to move. But she kept trying

    "Is that all, Missy?" the man said in a sad tone.

    "You are horrible! Why are you doing this?"

    "You don't need to know"

    "Hey, what's happening there? Are you done? I'll wait for you in the truck!" Screamed another man. So they were two... Is this my limit? Like this. Like this!, she thought. Her body could no longer escape. But she kept on holding to the nidoran.

    "I'll be right there!" replied the muscular man. "Well, Missy, it seems I'll need to take you with me!"

    She felt the scizor's arms beneath her, holding her in the air. Her eyes started failing her as she lost consciousness.

    /-_-_-_-\


    "The girl...cute...should...with her..."

    "We are not...We'll have to..."

    A mumbling in the distance. Sudden moves.

    Where am...I?


    Lena felt dizzy. Her whole body hurt. She slowly opened her eyes. Her feet were tied up. She tried to untie them with her hands, but they were tied behind her back.

    Why...?

    She remembered the scene at the forest. Her powerlessness.

    Maybe I can call someone. No, they have probably taken everything from me.

    It was dark in there. Se couldn't really see anything, but she heard weak cries. Pokémon? In there?

    Wait, the man said something. About needing more. So this is it. Are they trying to sell them?

    Too many possibilities. How long had it been since then? She had no way to know.

    Damn it. What should I do?

    After some minutes, her eyes got used to the darkness. She was right, several pokémon were confined in cages, unable to leave. Some of them looked like they were crying, while others tried to break them with no result. But all of them were too young. She crawled, reaching the closest cage, and recognized the nidoran she was holding before.

    "Nice seeing you here" said Lena trying to smile at the nidoran. She was forcing herself, without doubt. "Don't worry, I'll think of something."

    The nidoran emitted a weak cry. It looked really sad, probably due to being separated from its parents.

    Just like me.

    She tried getting up, but a harsh turn made her fall. After that, the floor became her best friend. Time passed. She tried cutting the rope tying her hands, but to no avail. It was really resistant, and she had no edge to cut it with anywhere. She tried to comfort some of the pokémon, so they didn't feel so lonely. Most of them were nidoran taken from that forest, but she recognized a rattata and and several pidgeys as well. The rat pokémon tried to break free several times, and never stopped. Lena tried to calm it down, as it was making a lot of noise and several pokémon were afraid of it as well. But it was for nothing. Time passed slowly, and she had nothing to do. Everything she tried to break free failed.

    The vehicle stopped.

    After a while, the door opened. Brightness filled her eyes after so long. She could distinguish a man's figure approaching her. After some seconds, he could clearly see the man that had assaulted her, with his black hair and eyes. He was looking at her.

    "These pokémon. I swear, you are making too much noise."

    Most of the pokémon started moving violently, but he just sighed and ignored them. His eyes were fixed on Lena, who crawled to one of the walls and tried to sit down in an elegant manner. She needed to show him that she wasn't scared.

    "So, Missy. How was the trip?"

    "Well, I certainly miss things like, I don't know, a bathroom. And the accommodation is just subpar" she said sarcastically, trying to oppose him. He just laughed at her response.

    "Ah, youth. Look, Missy, I have nothing against you. You see, this is just work. So, what are we gonna do now with you? We can't really take you home or anything like that. My pal doesn't like masks or anything, you see. He's the philosopher of the group, and hiding his face goes against his mantra. Or something. I don't really get it when he speaks. But the thing is you've seen our faces."

    Home...

    Her home, the place she called home, was far away. She had lived with her aunt in Sinnoh for many years, but she couldn't possibly hope to go there. It was, for starters, too far away.

    "What are you going to do with these pokémon? Most of them are babies!"

    "Look, look. I know you hate me for this. You hate us. I understand. But see it from our point of view: our client pays us for doing this. Which, at the end of the day, is not too different from what trainers do. We capture pokémon, and someone uses them."

    "That wasn't a capture! You destroyed a whole family, hit me with your pokémon, and even cut a nidoking's horn! That is vandalism, and I am being generous!"

    "Vandalism. That is a big word, Missy. You just were in the wrong place at a wrong time" he said as he put his hand into a pocket, and took Lena's stuff. He threw her pocket near her. "You should keep this with you, some thieves could take it away from you. And IDs are important."

    "I appreciate it" said Lena in a sarcastic way. "Where is Plume?"

    "Plume?" he asked.

    "My pokémon! Is she safe?" worried Lena.

    "Don't worry, your pokéball is with my partner in the cabin. We can't really have you and your pokémon together, you know. That would be stupid."

    Lena felt better with her pocket by herself. It was hard, but she managed to take it with her tied hands.

    "Let's get serious, Missy. Can I call you Lena? I think it is a pretty name."

    Lena realized at that moment that he had looked into her things. He was definitely not as good as he was trying to look like, but somehow he didn't look evil either. What could drive a man to such a crime?

    "Can I call you Jerk? I think it's pretty too"

    He laughed again, enjoying the situation. Her objective of putting a strong front wasn't working.

    "You remind me of my wife, I swear!"

    That made Lena even angrier at herself, and the simple thought grossed her out. Cursing inside her mind, she wondered how the woman could even look at his face.

    "Where are you taking these pokémon to? Where are you taking me to?"

    "I can't tell you about the pokémon, but we are unsure about you. That's why I came here."

    He closed the door and sit down apart from her. The pokémon started rioting again, and he sighed again. He had a sad face.

    Why does he have a sad face?

    "I wish you hadn't showed there, Miss Lena. I swear. I had to capture you so you wouldn't alert the police. I wouldn't want my family to know about this."

    "And why are you telling me? Why should I even care about what some illegal hunter do?"

    "Why should you indeed."

    An awkward silence. None of them enjoyed this situation. The truck kept on moving.

    "So, this is the deal. After, and only after, we are done with our job we'll release you. Killing young girls is not part of my hobbies, and I don't enjoy abducting either, but we had no choice there. I am really sorry you got yourself in this situation."

    "Why are you doing this then? Do you enjoy abducting pokémon?"

    "Certainly not. But you wouldn't understand that, sometimes, we can't really do what we like, but what we must. Morality is not the most important thing in this world."

    "What is more important than morality?"

    He stopped abruptly, looking at the the floor. "Family," he answered " family is the most important thing."

    "Family?"

    She didn't understand. She didn't. What is family? What do you need family for, if they are leave your side when you need them the most? She couldn't accept such an answer.

    "I guess you are too young to understand."

    He stood and walked until the wall near the cabin. After knocking twice the truck stopped again. He seemed sad, but he walked to the door and opened it. Brightness again.

    "Do you know I own no pokémon?"

    "What do you mean? The scizor that attacked me..."

    She was interrupted "That is not mine. It is my son's. And I can promise you it didn't enjoy hitting you."

    He left after that, closing her only way to freedom once again. Lena left her body fall to the floor again. She even got bored after a while. Laughing at herself for being bored in that situation, she kept looking after the pokémon. They were only kids, and somehow she felt the need to do so. Time stopped having a meaning there. How many hours passed? How far until they finish? The poor pokémon would disappear after that. Sadness. She felt disgusted by her own thoughts at times. Lena's mind felt numb many times.

    After a while, however, something happened. The truck braked harshly, and inertia did its thing pulling her. Some minutes, or maybe seconds, passed. Noise.

    "Fine. I'll take on both of you!" shouted someone from beyond the walls of the truck in a confident voice.

    What?!

    An explosion. What was happening outside? The trapped pokémon were shouting, and crying again. Another explosion, but this time the truck she was in moved a lot. In fact, some of the cages fell and broke. A couple of nidoran and the rattata were free, and moving everywhere. Her random movements made her worry even more about them.

    "What is happening?"

    The rattata was approaching her quickly. A sudden tackle hurt her knee. The pokémon was mad, really mad at humans. Even Lena, who tried to protect them, looked like an enemy on its eyes. Rattata continued many times, and Lena even tried to catch it between her hands. Feeling a fang in her hand, she let got of it.

    "Stop! Stop, Rattata! That hurts!"

    The nidoran that she saved, hurt as it was, tried to stop the rattata. She didn't even know what was happening outside, but the nidoran started to nibble the rope that was holding her prisoner. Rattata looked confused, but after a while did the same with the rope in her feet. Somehow both of them were working as a team.

    "Thank you, guys!"

    She checked her wrists and ankles after they finished. A red mark was left, but they were fine. Her knees hurt the most after the fall in the forest, but she had to stand and walk. Adrenaline? she though while standing up.

    "We need to get out of here."

    Lena stopped a second, pondering. Should she try to release the other pokémon? Or should she go outside and look for help? The second option seemed more reasonable as she remembered how powerless she felt at the forest. Trying to open the door, Lena realized was much harder than she expected. She used all of her strength, and after a few tries she managed to do it. She jumped to the ground, and realized the nidoran and the rattata had followed her. Lena couldn't contain a smile.

    They were in the middle of nowhere. At least no civilization surrounded them, and no buildings could be seen in the distance. However, she found the three police cars surrounding them more surprising. Falling to her knees, she felt her pulse relaxing when she saw her two captors -at least one of them- being arrested by the police. A man ran to her in apparent surprise. He was a middle aged man wearing a brown coat.

    "Are you alright?" the man asked."My name is Looker, I am with the International Police. Are you hurt?"

    "I'm fine, it's just bruises."

    "We'll take you to the hospital! Officer Lucas!"

    A young man dressed in the typical police uniform came in a hurry and saluted. His really short black hair made him look almost bald.

    "Sir?"

    "Take this young girl into custody. We'll rendezvous later."

    "Yes, sir!"

    Lena was dragged by the police officer, but the two pokémon followed her quickly. A question popped inside her head: Is it over? Sitting in the police car, Lena hugged the rattata and the nidoran. It was not only for their sakes, but for hers. She needed that kind of warmth. Looking at the window, the last thing she saw outside was a tall man with red hair with a cape.

    "I will take you to the hospital now. Please, put your seat belt."

    Although there was no answer, Lena did as she was told. She kept on looking out the window. It was almost sunset, and a flock of pidgeys flew past them. She didn't recognize any of her surroundings. After ten minutes, she finally spoke to the officer.

    "Wh-where are we?"

    "On our way to Saffron City's hospital, Miss. We'll arrive shortly."

    "Saffron City?! No, you can't! I don't want to go to Saffron City!"

    "My orders are to take you to the hospital. I am sorry. Do you have any family in Kanto?"

    Lena kept her eyes focused on the outside. She started seeing some houses as they approached the city. She found herself recognizing some of them from long ago. She remembered places she used to play in when she was a child.

    "No," Lena answered with sad eyes while petting the small pokémon, "I need to call my aunt. She lives in Sinnoh."

    "You can call her after the doctors release you. Don't worry, you are safe now. What is your name, Miss?"

    "Lena. Lena Wiegand."

    Silence.

    "You know, my brother has a raticate. It's the only pokémon he ever trained, and..."

    While Lena appreciated his intentions to kept her distracted, she didn't want to listen.

    After twenty more minutes she gladly counted on the car's clock, they reached the hospital in Saffron City. Luckily she didn't need to wait too much before the medical examinations began. After determining she was physically healthy, gave her some awful food and offered a room to pass the night. Officer Lucas and a nurse accompanied Lena and brought a telephone, and she left the pokémon sleep in her bed.

    After two rings, a familiar voice replied.

    "Yes?"

    "Aunt Karla. It's me, Lena" she replied in a quiet tone.

    "Oh, Lena! How are you doing? Is Johto too hot for you? Are you eating properly? When are you com-"

    "Aunt, I, I have something to tell you"

    "Oh, please tell me you are not pregnant. You are too young to..."

    "Aunt! I am not pregnant! It's only been a month since I left. No, I am calling, well, because I am in Kanto right now."

    "...Oh. But why are you there?"

    Lena bit her lips and answered "I am in Saffron City's hospital."

    "Hospital! What happened, Schatz? Are you hurt?"

    As expected, her aunt exploded, and questions kept on coming. She stopped it as quickly as she could. "No, I am fine. They'll let me go tomorrow morning, don't worry. I just wanted to tell you."

    Her aunt didn't answer for almost a minute. She was expecting another one of those talks about how she was only a child, and how she couldn't be alone in the world. But instead, something terrible came out of the speaker. "I am calling your father right now."

    "What? No! I am fine! Trust me! He doesn't need to know!"

    "I do trust you, Schatz. You are a responsible girl, but he is your father. And you can't keep running from him."

    "I don't. Want. To see him. He abandoned me, Aunt Karla! I don't want to! I am not meeting him!"

    "Schatz, listen-" were the last words coming out of the telephone. She was furious, but after realizing Officer Lucas was looking at her she behaved like a lady should. She had been thoroughly taught how to be a lady at the School she attended in Sinnoh. Her Aunt had put her in a prestigious all-girls school, and while she had a great time there, the teachers expected them to be proper ladies. But she had learn that acting like a lady made some things easier for others. Even if she didn't like it.

    "I must apologize for my behaviour, Officer. Please forgive me" hearing her own words made her uncomfortable.

    "No, there's no need to. We all have our problems, Miss Wiegand. It is not my business."

    The door was opened as he spoke. A man Lena recognized entered the room with a bag. It was Looker. "Sorry for being late. The doctors told me you are healthy, Miss."

    "I am fine. I just want to go. I was supposed to beat Whitney in a Gym battle in two days."

    "I apologize, but we'll need to talk to you concerning the incident. You can't just leave. I also brought you these. I think all of it belongs to you."

    He left the materials in the bed and had a look at the pokémon. They had fallen asleep in the middle of the bed. Smiling gently, Looker took a pokéball, a wallet and a SmartGear out of it.

    "Plume! And my SmartGear! Thank you, Officer, thank you!"

    "You are welcome. Now, Miss Wiegand, I will see you tomorrow. I am not finished with those criminals. I promise you they'll be behind bars in not time. Meanwhile, Officer Lucas will stay in the hospital guarding you. So don't worry about anything. Good night, Miss Wiegand."

    As Looker left the room Lena just sat down in the bed. She just left her body embrace the pillow. That had been one long day, and the future didn't look so bright.



        Spoiler:- 27-01-2016:

    The world after the firing of the Ultimate Weapon. Consequences will follow

    Latest chapter: 2-B. Traveling (15-08-2016)

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Location
    Area Unknown
    Posts
    2,819

    Default

    Interesting story you've got here! When I saw the summary, I was really curious as to what you were going to do with the story seeing as you're centering it around a specific event. Your prologue definitely conveys how important that event is - you do well in characterizing all the different reactions of the different characters.

    I guess what I'm looking for right now is how it all connects, seeing as the two chapters you've posted so far don't really refer to the Ultimate Weapon apart from a brief mention in the beginning of the first chapter. Of course, this may just be a case of it being too early in the story, so it'll be interesting how you'll eventually tie everything together in the long run.

    As for what you have right now, I think you're doing good in presenting the action scenes. I really liked the battle between Fan and Essentia in the end of the first chapter, especially with how you outline it with a time limit. You can really sense the pressure on Fan with regards to compelting his job within a time limit and getting thrown off when Essentia comes into the picture. That was a real thrill to read!

    If anything, I think you can work on your narration a bit. There are times where you seem to explain a bit too much, such as in this quote:

    “I will only ask you one more time” said Fan with another knife in his hand. Fear was a powerful weapon against weak people.
    You already established that the man Fan was targeting was afraid prior to this, so you didn't need that extra sentence to clarify where that fear was coming from or what that fear was doing since his actions were already enough to do that. I think some tightening on moments like this would really make the events flow better.

    Some of the conversations were also a bit static, like the one between Lena and her grandmother. Some description for that would be great, like Lena's reactions to her grandmother's sentiments.

    The other point I'd like to raise is your grammar, which I understand is something you want help on because English isn't your native language. I suggest you get a beta reader or proofreader for that, since not only will you get someone to point out grammatical errors for you, but you'll also get a second opinion on your chapters. But for now, I've pointed out some of the more glaring issues in the spoiler:

        Spoiler:- Grammar:


    Overall, though, you seem to already have a good idea of where to take your story, and the way you're setting up the pieces is definitely interesting. With a bit of tightening and proofreading, this will make your work an even better read than it already is. Good job with it, and good luck!


    It's the annual one-shot contest, and it's about the real world! Click the image to learn more.
    Userbar made by American--Pi.


    Soda Pop -- Humans of Hoenn -- Dear Purrloin,
    Trainers of Hoenn (Tumblr) -- Author's Profile

    Images were obtained from Serebii.net.

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Apr 2005
    Location
    Lurking
    Posts
    1,012

    Default

    Welcome to the forums! Your summary sounded interesting, so I figured I'd give this a look. So this is kind of a sequel to X/Y, am I right, going over events after the firing of the ultimate weapon? I'll admit, I thought you meant that Lysandre's plan had been successful, which led me to expect a post-apocalyptic setting ("Why isn't basically everybody dead?" I wondered), but there's lots of great material to dig into just from the revelation of how close he came, too.

    Right now my primary complaint is that the chapters don't really feel connected to each other. I imagine this story is going to have multiple protagonists that we'll be following, but Lena and Fan are in totally different places and situations, and there's nothing to indicate how their stories might eventually merge. The prologue is the most obviously related to your summary, but then we cut away to different places and characters in both of the two chapters.

    At this point I'm not sure what utility the prologue really serves. We get a whole lot of people reacting, although what exactly they're reacting to (presumably news of the ultimate weapon) is left vague. Are we going to be seeing all these characters later on? Why do we want to start off with their plights? You ultimately don't give a whole lot of information here--the tone is basically, "Something terrible happened, and a lot of people are anxious about it!"--and, again, there isn't a clear connection between it and the rest of your chapters.

    What I'd suggest is to look for some thread to run through your early chapters that gives them a common theme. It might be the ultimate weapon--how did its firing affect each of these characters or somehow set up the current situation? Right now, the prologue aside, it's mentioned in passing or not at all. Or you could give some small hints as to what connects the characters themselves--perhaps Lena has some connection to Kalos, for example, that suggests she might turn up there soon. (There's a little bit at the beginning that mentions Kalos, and I assume the incident mentioned on television is the one Fan's involved in, but this doesn't do anything to indicate how Lena is going to end up there.) Or maybe Fan's section mentions that he has a relative who works in a Goldenrod cafe, or something. Whatever it is that's eventually going to drive them together, I think it would be a good idea to give a little insight into it, just so the reader has a hook they can grab onto that tells them why they're reading about these two characters in particular. As it is, I could imagine your prologue and the two chapters as being posted as the first chapter of completely independent fanfics and nobody realizing they might be part of the same story at all.

    At the moment, I think Fan's chapter is the stronger of the two. I particularly enjoyed the action scene at the end, where he breaks into the man's hotel room and ends up in combat. I think you did a good job of keeping the tension in the scene high and making the battle feel like a real back-and-forth where anyone could win. Emma popping up as the mysterious high-tech warrior was cool, although I did wonder why she didn't use her meowstic when Fan's pokémon were giving her grief. All in all, though, every scene built nicely towards the climax, and the chapter came neatly full circle from the first scene to the last. It was tight, with a strong narrative arc and a clear way forward into the next (Fan-centric) chapter.

    On the other hand, Lena's chapter feels like most of it is detour. In Fan's chapter, we're introduced to Emma, who seems likely to become a recurring character--it feels like a first encounter that's going to kick off a long-term (presumably antagonistic) relationship. On the other hand, a lot of time in Lena's chapter is spent on humanizing the hunter, but I'm less confident that we'll be seeing more of him later. The kidnapping incident felt more like a way to get Lena into Kanto and maybe get her some pokémon, but it was quite a lot of setup to do that.

    That isn't to say it was a total loss. The do-gooder who stumbles upon pokémon being poached is a bit of a cliché, but you executed on it well enough. Lena seems plausibly concerned with the pokémon's welfare without being a sickeningly sweet personality, and she faces a real challenge (and fails, ultimately) in trying to help them out, rather than magically establishing a connection with one of the pokémon and using it to battle the poachers off, for example. It will be interesting to see how her relationship with the pokémon she rescued progresses (if indeed she keeps them) and how she finds her way from here.

    Anyway, while I did think these three posts could start off three entirely different 'fic threads, any one of them would be a solid enough start. It looks like you've got a solid idea of where you want to go next, and you've got a good start on getting there.

    Also, as far as grammar goes, you're not doing badly at all if English is your second language. Like Dramatic Melody said, though, it'd be in your best interest to try and find someone to beta for you/work with you on some detailed proofreading; that's the best way to get real thorough feedback on grammar issues. Below I just noted a few things that stuck out to me in particular. I started this review before Dramatic Melody posted his, so I apologize if there's any overlap in what we talk about in terms of grammar; I didn't want to comb through and try to figure out what parts were redundant.

    First, you're having a bit of trouble punctuating dialogue. When you write dialogue, there should nearly always be some form of punctuation before the closing quotation mark. If a question mark or exclamation point would make sense, you use one of those; otherwise you should use a comma. You've been leaving the commas off. I've added them in below to show the correct way to punctuate these sentences:

    “I know your importance in this, Doctor Malcolm. And I promise you that there will be no further experimentation until you are back,“ said as he put a hand on Malcolm’s shoulder, reassuring him. “Now go.”
    You're also missing a word here. Who said?

    “That pillar of light scared me well, I tell you,” gossiped one old lady with her friends while walking on Lumquiose’s populated streets.
    “Might as well buy one,” said as he looked for a vending machine.
    Also missing the name of the speaker again. Try not to forget that.

    Those are just some examples--you'll want to look out for those commas whenever you're writing dialogue.

    In general, your capitalization is a bit funky. You capitalize the names of ingame items, like soda pop, even when they're common nouns, but then you also capitalize some things that aren't the names of items, like green tea. Generally I think it looks pretty silly to capitalize items, but you definitely shouldn't be capitalizing common nouns that aren't in the games. Also, when you're using "professsor" as part of someone's name, it should be capitalized. Thus Professor Oak, Professor Blue, etc.

    Finally, some one-off nitpicks:

    It was a moment of chaos in the main building of the Devon Corporation. The scientists running from one computer to another, trying to understand the meaning of the strange reading the satellites were sending, changed the peaceful atmosphere of the building into a jungle of knowledge.
    I'm not sure if "jungle of knowledge" is an idiom that you translated literally...? It doesn't mean anything in English.

    Blue assented with his head and went out of the laboratory.
    The usual way to say this would be "Blue nodded and went out of the laboratory."

    He checked the prizes.
    “Oh, this is my lucky day” he said as he was about to take his price.
    You appear to have "price" and "prize" mixed up. The price of something is how much money something costs. A prize is a reward, often won from some sort of game. The character should be checking prices and taking prizes, not the other way around.

    Emma was trying to ascertain what was the message for, but Fan gave her a menacing look.
    A little word order confusion here; you would normally use "what the message was for" instead. "Ascertain" is kind of a fancy word, too. Something like "Emma was trying to figure out what the message was for" would sound a lot more natural.

    Another look at the clocked revealed him it was 10:58 PM.
    It's "clock," not "clocked." Also, you either want to say revealed to him, or remove the reference to Fan entirely so it reads "Another look at the clock revealed it was 10:58 PM."

    A very high pitched sound made him lose his standing.
    I'm not quite sure what you mean with this sentence. "Standing," used as a noun, actually means a person's social rank or others' opinion of them--to "lose standing" means to lose respect in the eyes of your peers. I'm guessing you mean the sound made him stagger? Possibly fall all the way to the ground?

    She stood up quickly, cleaning her jeans from the grass, and started walking into the forest.
    Small word order issue: it should be "cleaning the grass from her jeans." Cleaning is a bit of an odd word here, too--you'd usually say "brushing" or "sweeping."

    Barely falling down until her shoulders, she did cut if before coming to Johto.
    This is what's called a misplaced modifier. The first phrase, "Barely falling down until her shoulders," refers to Lena's hair. However, the phrase is immediately followed by "she" (Lena), and therefore refers to her rather than her hair. You could change it to something like, "Her hair barely fell down to her shoulders, and she did cut it before coming to Johto." Anything that explicitly gets Lena's hair into the sentence. (Also, you want "it," not "if.")

    She crawled, reaching the closest cage, and recognized the nidoran she was holding before.
    How could she crawl if her feet and hands were tied? The best she could do would be to kinda... flop like a landed fish, or something.

    That is vandalism, and I am being generous!
    Vandalism is damage to someone's property. Since what Lena's talking about here is attacking living creatures, it'd some form of assault, I think.

    We can't really have you and your pokémon together, you know. That would be stupid.
    Why didn't Lena send Plume out to defend herself earlier?

    After knocking twice the truck stopped again.
    Again, the man's the one doing the knocking, but he's not directly referred to anywhere in the sentence. You could fix that easily enough by making it, "After the man knocked twice, the truck stopped again."

    As I said, though, you're doing fine for someone who's not a native speaker, and it'll all come right with practice. You've got a really interesting premise, and there are a lot of cool directions you could take it. Best of luck with your writing, and I hope to see more of this story!

    In which an undead trainer, a bloodthirsty super-clone, and an irascible ex-Rocket grunt set out to rescue an imprisoned Mew--if they don't end up murdering each other first.

    Banner by Sworn Metalhead of Dćdric Design




  6. #6
    Join Date
    Feb 2006
    Location
    Training at Sootopolis City
    Posts
    1,650

    Default

    Hey there! So, you wanted me to check out your fic and now I finally got the chance to do so.

    Befoer I get to some overall comments on the chapters, you mentioned your concerns over English being not your first language. Dramatic Melody and Negrek already mentioned some of the grammar stuff, so I won't repeat here. I will mention though that since they mentioned some of the sentences not sounding right, one trick you can do is read the story aloud yourself. That way, you can pick up if, for instance, someone's dialogue sounds stiff. Somehthing to consider!

    Besides that, the both of them mentioned how the prologue and two first stories seemed to not connect one another and as I read further I'll have to agree to some extent. They already mentioned because this is the beginning all will make sense soon, so I look forward how you'll approach that.

    With both things out of the way, some thoughts on what you got so far!

    Prologue and Chapter One

    The prologue sets off a pretty neat beginning. I like you have the characters from various other regions finding out what happened in Kalos. I think you did each one's reactions nicely there.

    It's nice to see Emma in fanfic! One minor problem I want to point out is the part where Emma says Fan sound foreign. This is odd to me as in the games Emma was able to speak with a tourist talking in a different language. Then again, I think you meant Fan from a different region and a distinct accent? Otherwise, I enjoyed their interaction there.

    The next part has some good action there and gives a good sense of Fan's line of work. His confrontation with "Essentia" was a twist turn of events there and it does make wonder if they'll cross paths again. Like Dramatic Melody, I do like the countdown at the very end.

    Chapter Two
    The conversation between Lena and the kidnapper I like also, and interesting how you have it connected to Lena's backstory. I agree with Negrek that the kidnapper seems to be someone only making one or two appearance instead of Emma, otherwise if he does make a comeback I wouldn't mind that. I too also am curious if she'll keep the Nidoran and Ratatta and if so, how their bond will develop.

    While first chapter I can see different ways how it'll connect to the summary/prologue, this chapter less so except for the appearance of Lucas and Looker. Once more, though, you most likely already have an idea what Lena's role will be in this chapter.

    Despite some concerns me and the others mentioned over the direction, there is still a lot of potential and you have some interesting ideas there, so I'l stick around more. Looking forward to more!


    Tumblr | Baygel Bites (Review Blog) |FFnet | Author's Profile| Archive of Our Own
    I'm still writing, but probably not much Pokemon stuff at the moment. HAM!

    Banner: Umi Mizuno


  7. #7
    Join Date
    Sep 2010
    Location
    California
    Posts
    1,001

    Default

    Hello Yagami Kyo! I'm here from the Review Game. I'm going to go ahead and give one of my signature Weekly Review/Review Game-style reviews, during which I pick four Review Game criteria and comment on them as much as I want to (but at least two sentences per criterion). I'll go ahead and review Credite Posteri, from the Prologue to Chapter 2.

    ---

    Ending
    I was surprised by how much I liked the ending of the prologue. It made me confused as to what the heck was going on, but that was a good thing because I wanted to read on and figure out what the scientists were doing, what with the "synchronization value" and the "volunteering". From what I read they were doing a morally questionable experiment involving watching human test subjects, and I was interested in how their experiment would pan out in terms of the story and character development.

    I also liked the endings of Chapters One and Two. They did well in rounding off the chapters, but there was enough uncertainty and suspense to keep me wondering what was going to happen next for Lan and Lena. As a whole, the three endings of your three chapters all made me want to read on, so great job on that.

    Dialogue
    Quote Originally Posted by Yagami Kyo
    “Yeah...I understand Gramps. But I am worried.”

    Professor Oak smiled at his grandson and put a hand on his shoulder, reassuring him.

    “The best thing you can do, however, is to call you friends in Kalos. You must be worried about them.”
    This is a bit of awkward dialogue, which a lot of writers struggle with (I sure do) and takes practice to avoid. The main issue is last paragraph in the quote. "However" isn't the correct word choice, because "however" means "but". I would replace "however" with "then", because Professor Oak is suggesting a course of action for Blue's worries. I would also delete the last sentence ("You must be worried about them") completely, because Blue literally just said that he is worried about his friends.

    Spelling/Grammar
    You're doing pretty well for someone whose first language isn't English! Your sentence construction is largely correct, and it's easy enough to understand and enjoy your story. That said, I did notice a few minor mistakes that a little editing can't fix. For example:

    Quote Originally Posted by Yagami Kyo
    The foreign scientist hurried to talk to other scientists, and Russell just stood there for a few moments. His time perception had been altered, for they seemed endless.
    These two sentences both have misplaced modifiers, a pesky little case where it's unclear exactly what a modifier is modifying. In the first sentence, it's unclear who is "the foreign scientist" - it isn't until Russell is mentioned that we know that the foreign scientist is Dr. Lan. In the second sentence, it's unclear what the word "they" is - looking back at the sentences one can determine that "they" are the "few moments", but since "time perception" is the closest noun to the modifier, at first glance "they" is referring to "time perception". The above paragraph should be written as:
    Dr. Lan hurried to talk to other scientists, and Russell just stood there for a few moments. His time perception had been altered, for those moments seemed endless.
    Quote Originally Posted by Yagami Kyo
    A couple of hours later, in the near Kanto region
    "Near" should be "nearby".

    Quote Originally Posted by Yagami Kyo
    “I see. That explains how you managed to follow meowstic and evaded my kick. Which, again, I am really sorry about.”
    "Evaded" should be "evade" in order to keep the verb's tense consistent with the previous verb's (because the previous verb, "follow", is in the present tense).

    Quote Originally Posted by Yagami Kyo
    Why did he exchange numbers with that woman?
    Previously you referred to Emma as a girl, and now I'm confused as to whether she is a girl or a woman. If she is a woman that changes many things.

    Quote Originally Posted by Yagami Kyo
    Emma looked at his SmartGear, to confirm the contact exchange.
    "His" should be "her". It's just a careless mistake, but I would suggest proofreading to make sure all your grammar is good and your story flows smoothly.

    Quote Originally Posted by Yagami Kyo
    His objective was on the top floor of the building, reserved for the most rich man in the world.
    "Most rich" should be "richest", and "man" should be "men". Remember that the superlative form of every one-syllable adjective is the adjective itself, plus an "-est" at the end of it (e.g. "tallest", "reddest", "lowest").

    Quote Originally Posted by Yagami Kyo
    A sound was produced when the man felt to its knees, and Fan hurried to the bed.
    "Felt" should be "fell", because "felt" means either a fabric or the past tense of the verb "feel". "Fell" is the past tense of the verb "fall", which is what the man was doing. Also, "its" should be "his", because the man is a "he", not an "it".

    Quote Originally Posted by Yagami Kyo
    The owner, a woman slightly older than her, of affable face and nice figure with long blonde curls named Violette, was ignoring her.
    I would suggest breaking this sentence up into two or three smaller sentences, because currently it's quite long. Not only that, this sentence has a misplaced modifier (I defined the term earlier in this review). Currently it seems that the "long blonde curls" are named Violette, not the owner.

    Quote Originally Posted by Yagami Kyo
    No wonder the local was full of people.
    "Local" should be "locale". A locale is an area or location, while "local" is an adjective meaning "from around the current area".

    Quote Originally Posted by Yagami Kyo
    She crawled, reaching the closest cage, and recognized the nidoran she was holding before.
    How would Lena crawl when her hands and feet are tied up? I think a better verb would be "scooted awkwardly", or something.

    Plot
    I loved the way you wrote your action scenes. Lena's encounter with the poachers was nice and action-packed, but my favorite scene I was the scene in Chapter One where Lan infiltrated the hotel, assassinated the man, and attempted to retrieve the box. It was very suspenseful and fast-paced, and it successfully kept me on the edge of my seat. The revelation of Essentia being Emma was a really neat twist.

    However, I would like to echo what your other reviewers are saying about your chapters not being very connected and the Ultimate Weapon not really playing much of a role.

    About the chapters not being very connected to each other, I think this is something you can improve on as you write out this story. Since the fic is still in its early stages, I'm expecting everything - the characters, chapters, and situations - to come together as the story progresses. Currently, though, this fic reads more like a one-shot series about people in the world after the firing of the Ultimate Weapon.

    About the Ultimate Weapon, if the Ultimate Weapon was fired, why isn't the world destroyed? I'm not sure what you're going for here in terms of plot - your summary states that your fic will be about the world after the firing of the Ultimate Weapon, but currently there have been very few mentions of the Weapon and what the heck it did to the world.

    ---

    Overall, this was a rather interesting and enjoyable read. Great job on writing a coherent, easy-to-follow story, despite English not being your first language. I'm interested in the direction this fic will go. I'm curious about what will happen to Lan and Lena, and also curious about the world this fic takes place in. I might drop by later and review your later chapters.

    Good luck with your writing!

    Pi

    Click the banner above to get information about an SPPf Fan Fiction community contest I am helping with!
    It's a special contest that celebrates the 20th anniversary of the Pokemon franchise.
    The top three participants will earn graphic prizes made by me, so I encourage you to take a look.


    Author's Profile | Art Thread
    Tumblr | Shipping List | Claims

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Jan 2016
    Posts
    38

    Default

    So, I've had this written since late February, but University happened and I had little time and no inspiration at all to write. It is kind of raw, as I haven't been able to get a beta reader, but I do hope you enjoy it. As always, please forgive me for the for any horrible mistakes I probably had. Without further ado, here's the third chapter.

    Runaway

    The tickling of the rain hadn’t stop since Fan left Lumiose City. In fact, it started as soon as he reached the Natural Trail, as if weather itself wanted to make his trip harder. Knowing the police was after him, his original plan was to escape to Laverre City while hiding himself in the darkness of the night. He had the advantage for a while. Yan Gui flew high for some time, but flying pokémon searching the area forced them to go back into the ground.

    But the pain in his hand didn’t stop. He had been sloppy.

    Not only was his right hand burnt, but Kunoichi’s pokéball was melted. He tried opening it as he always did, but it wasn’t working. It completely round shape had become more of an irregular object. The lower part of it was in better shape than the upper one. He hoped Kunoichi was safe, at least. She had been with him since they were children. Since the time he thought being a pokémon trainer could have been his life. Destiny, however, works in strange ways.

    After finding a lonely house in the Natural Trail, he entered while Yan Gui watched from the roof, in case anyone came close. The house looked abandoned at first sight, so the risk of finding someone in that place was lower. He just needed some time. There was some furniture in the house, as well as a kitchen. In fact, it looked like only one person could have lived there. For being a haunted house, however, it looked pretty clean. Almost like it was artificial.

    The pain in his hand wasn’t giving him any rest, however. He tried opening the tap in the kitchen, but water wasn’t working properly. This is one weird house, he thought as he searched through the furniture. A blue plastic bucket was hidden in one of the corners of the room, invisible to anyone who entered. Someone comes here to clean. Several days a week, probably.

    Missing Kunoichi’s abilities the most, he decided to place the bucket under the rain. He needed water for his hand. It had been hurting for too long already, so scars would probably remain even if he managed to cure it. He had to do something about infections as well. And on top of all, he was soaked. One strange combination, having a burnt hand and wet clothes.

    He left the package he was delivering rest besides the wall. It wasn’t too heavy, so he could carry it with him and keep a good speed. He had to take care of his face and his hand. But first of all, he had to combat the pain. He took a small cube from his pocket, covered in aluminium foil. Opening the package, a white and almost creamy substance was inside. He had made it from the egg of a chansey, as well as some pollen from a mature bellossom. It was a recipe his grandmother taught him to combat pain. Biting it, he felt the sweet taste in his mouth.

    “It really tastes like happiness.”

    It took about seven minutes before the pain in his hand and face started vanishing. However, it would only be temporary. He took the bucket from outside, mostly full, and put his hand inside. The cold temperature would help with the burn. After ten minutes inside the fluid, it did look better. He would need to find a medic in the near future if he wanted his hand to be healed.

    “Now...”

    Fan didn’t bother returning the bucket to its original place, as the floor was soaked by the water falling off his coat. He didn’t have too much time, either. Someone would search inside soon, and so he needed to get moving.

    “Yan Gui!”

    The ghost pokémon appeared through the roof, its body upside down. Without Kunoichi by his side, Yan Gui was the only pokémon that could help him. The way Yan Gui smiled was bothering him, as if he was having fun with the situation. The gengar had always been a prankster, since the moment they met at the graveyard. It had been a rainy night as well, and a younger Fan was really afraid of a gastly rising from one of the tombs. He even remembered running for his life, but the ghost kept on following him.

    “We need to keep moving. Come back to your pokéball.”

    Fan took the other pokéball he had and pointed it to Yan Gui. However, the ghost giggled and disappeared into the woods. “Come on, we don’t have time for this, Yan Gui!” Fan said in a worried voice. His pokémon really enjoyed being outside of the pokéball, but he would probably move faster without a gengar around. Taking the stolen suitcase with his healthy hand, Fan moved closer to the door.

    He went outside. The rain wouldn’t stop. “I might get a cold...” Fan lamented as he looked around. Nobody to be seen, he decided to adventure into the densest parts part of the forest instead of the main road. Even if there were some wild pokémon there, he would easily avoid a bird’s eye in the night. “OK, we’ll play it your way, Yan Gui. You can be outside, but follow me closely,” Fan said as the gengar appeared from the ground just in front of him, upside down once again. “Let’s go,” Fan sighed as he went between the trees.

    Laverre City wasn’t too far away, but the terrain was harder to traverse. He needed to be aware not only of the trees’ big branches, but also of the swamp. Even with the protection of the tree tops, the swamps were growing in volume slowly.

    Yan Gui had, of course, no problems. He enjoyed watching Fan struggle against nature, and Fan only answered him with an angry look. Every time he had tried disciplining the gengar something bad happened to him. Sometimes it was child’s play, like losing his toothbrush, while others he would end up naked in the middle of somewhere. But even with Yan Gui’s childish personality in play, the ghost had never let Fan down when the situation required of its help. A decade of friendship between them had taught him so.

    After walking for about half an hour, he saw a warm light. It looked like a town’s street light from the distance. Leaving the forest behind, he was at Laverre City. It had been a couple of house since he left Lumiose City. He spent too much time walking to get to the deserted house trying not to get caught by the people looking for him. Fan decided to go into the entrance of the forest again to think about the next course of action

    He took a look at his clock. Fan had thirty-four minutes before the delivery time. This would have been much easier if Essentia — if Emma hadn’t appeared. Fan was avoiding any thoughts concerning her, as he had not much time for such luxury. He had been fooled and outplayed by a younger girl. It felt as if destiny was laughing at him. Was their meeting a coincidence? Nobody but his employer should know have known about the mission. Maybe the man hired her as bodyguard. That would make some sense, Fan thought, blaming himself for the mistakes in the operation. Even if he had the package with him, it didn’t really feel like a victory. Emma would probably tell the police about his face, and about his name. That made everything more complicated. He would have to be more careful in the future.

    Fan checked his SmartGear. He didn’t have too many contacts in his memory, not even his family. He wouldn’t risk anyone going after them because he had them between his contacts. As he was about to delete Emma’s number, a new message popped up.

    [Emma

    Why? Why? Where are you? You should surrender, and I’ll vouch for you. You are not a bad person, I know that. Answer me soon.]

    Why had he allowed himself to talk with that girl for so long, he could not understand. It had been fast, too fast. Fan could remember Emma’s face in that room. That face, somewhere between confusion and disappointment. Why was she sending messages, after that? He began writing by pure instinct.

    [Do not look for me. Goodbye.]

    He sent the message and soon after that, broke his SmartGear. The police would probably be able to trace the origin of it, but by completely breaking the SmartGear it would take them much more time. Or so he hoped. The pain in his hand meddled with his thoughts. He was surely not thinking straight, and regretted his actions. However, it was too late to do anything about it.

    When only seven minutes remained before the meeting, Fan looked at Yan Gui. It was staring at the big tree in the middle of the city, where the Gym was built. The roof was the meeting point, just besides the big clock. Was someone already there? He didn’t have much time to think about it either. Stepping out of the forest, he walked quickly, making sure nobody looking casually through a window could see him. An old woman closing some curtains almost saw him, but Fan evaded it by going back two steps. After the initial scare, he approached the Gym, standing just besides it.

    The tree was even taller than Fan thought at first. Yan Gui helped him climb it, and he stood at the roof. As the clock struck three o’clock, a man appeared from thin air. “I see you are in time,” he said. He was a tall blonde man, with blue eyes like the sea. He was wearing a white suit, which was quite the contrast with Fan’s clothes. Besides him was a xatu. Fan was about to give the man the package when he was interrupted by the man’s hand. “This is not a good place, let’s change it,” the man said while doing a quick gesture to his xatu.

    They had suddenly changed location. The xatu had teleported them there. Fan recognized the place. It was Lumiose City’s airport, the one he arrived in. He was confused. “Why are we here?” he asked to the blonde man. “This wasn’t in the agreement.”

    “The agreement was fulfilled by both parties, don’t worry. Now, where is the...Ah, there!” the man said as he started walking towards a group of people. “Now, Fan Lan, I’d love to continue this conversation in a more discrete place. So would you follow me please?”

    Yan Gui looked as confused as Fan was. The pokémon was more quiet than usual as well, even allowing Fan to put him in the pokéball. His hand was beginning to hurt once again as well. But he followed the man and the xatu. He needed to finish the transaction. The group of people turned out to be a flying team, with two pilots and three flight attendants that bowed when they walked by. The group crossed a door and found themselves in the airport’s runway. Fifty meters away from them was a small white airplane.

    “Impressed?” the man after they had entered the vehicle. It was a private plane, with two groups of seats. The decoration wasn’t anything special, but it did manage to give the vehicle some elegance.

    “A little,” Fan said as he took his seat. The man sat in front of him, only a small table separating them. “I am confused, Sir.”

    “Now, now, don’t call me Sir. It makes me uncomfortable. You eastern people are too polite for me. You can call me Ansgar,” the man introduced himself with a smile. The name sounded northern to Fan, probably from the Scandian States. “Now, Fan Lan, I would like you to give me the suitcase, if you are so kind.”

    Fan deposited the suitcase in the small table. Ansgar looked at Fan’s right hand. “It seems you had some problems out there,” he said with a serious look. “One of the flight attendants will take care of you soon. But first, you should tighten your seat belt. We don’t want any more surprises today, do we?” Fan did as the man said reluctantly as the man continued speaking, “Now. Let me see if everything is in order.”

    The suitcase’s locks were open in a second, and the man didn’t even touch them. “You are a psychic,” Fan commented as the man started looking inside the suitcase.

    “I see you have sharp eyes. That will be good for you in the future. Is my condition a problem for you?” Ansgar asked as he took some papers. Fan was surprised that the contents were nothing but papers. Why would they go to such lengths for some papers?

    “It is no problem, Sir. It is not the first time I have met a psychic,” Fan answered.

    “Ah, yes. I have been told about your sister,” said Ansgar before Fan’s eyes met his with menace. “So scary, so scary. Do not worry, my friend, your sister is not my business. I just happen to know a lot about you. Do you think we are some amateurs?”

    “No, Sir”

    “Ansgar, not Sir.”

    The pilot started talking through the radio, but Fan wasn’t listening. The plane started moving soon after that. Fan sat correctly, feeling the inertia. Minutes after, they were in the air. One of the flight attendants came with a first aid kit. “This fine lady over there will take care of your hand,” Ansgar said. She had brown hair and eyes, but Fan found her timid smile somehow captivating.

    “My name is Nicolette, Sir. I am glad to be of service.”

    “We are counting on you,” said Ansgar with a smile that made the girl blush.

    Fan kept his silence as Nicolette started treating the wound. He looked out of the window, but everything was really dark in the outside. Ansgar kept reading the documents with interest. He closed the suitcase after a few minutes of reading. Fan was being distracted by Nicolette’s touch. The girl’s gentle when she was applying some kind of cream to the burned area made him uncomfortable. When she finished cleaning the wound’s in Fan’s face, Nicolette bowed respectfully and left. Fan could hear the other two attendants giggle and gossip in the distance, but it was too far away for him to understand what they were saying.

    “Now, Fan, there are some hours left until our destination. So why don’t we use this opportunity to know each other in a more...intimate way?” said Ansgar with a smile in his face.

    “I apologize, but I am not really interested,” Fan answered quickly. Even if Ansgar was the one who saved him by teleporting him out of the police’s search, he couldn’t trust him yet. “I would like my payment, however.”

    “Oh, my heart!” Ansgar dramatically said. “And here I was hoping to know you better. You see, I believe you and I aren’t as different as you think.”

    What does he mean? Fan thought. He scratched his burned hand involuntarily, but forced himself to stop seconds later. There was a feeling of uneasiness in it he didn’t enjoy. “Does it really matter how similar we are, Ansgar?”

    The blonde man smiled as he said “Ah, you finally called me by my name!”

    Fan sighed. “I would like my payment, if you are so kind.”

    With a snap of his fingers, another woman appeared with an envelope, offering it to Fan. After taking it, the woman disappeared. Fan opened the envelope and started counting the money inside it. Six hundred thousand poke dollars was a lot of money, and having it finally in his hands was reassuring. Fan left the money on the table and slightly bowed his head. “It was a pleasure doing business with you.”

    “You should thank my boss. I am just a carrier of sorts.”

    Fan looked at the man. There was definitely something about him that he didn’t like. It was not his attitude or anything. Nor his condition as a psychic. It was something much more complicated for him to understand. But somehow, for some reason, he felt like staying alert. Am I being too paranoid?

    “Where are we going?” Fan asked.

    “I thought you’d never ask. You see, my boss has taken quite an interest in you.”

    “Interest? Why?”

    “Do you want me to tell you? You are too humble! Not only did you manage to steal from one of the most secure hotels in the world, but also defeated the fearsome Essentia. She’s been giving us some problems lately,” said Ansgar. Fan wasn’t too happy about those compliments. Even if he did steal the suitcase, that battle wasn’t something he could be proud of. “And that’s just the beginning. Stealth, combat, and many other things. Oh, and the way you used a ghost pokémon to interrupt the electrical installation. That was fantastic!”

    “Everyone could have done it with a map of the building.”

    “Now, now. My boss would like to hire you. Permanently.”

    “I am a freelancer.”

    “Yes, you are. We know. But have you considered the dangers of being a freelancer?”

    Fan was intrigued by that. What benefit could there be for him? Working for some mafia would bring shame to his ancestors, who once valued honour over everything. But on the other side, he was stealing from other people. That was shameful by itself. He wanted to know more before making a decision. “What do you mean?”

    “Relationships, Fan, relationships. Influence, blackmailing, bribery, debts...As a demonstration, I will be able to keep your identity in the dark. Nobody from the police will keep on looking for you. The investigation will come to a dead end in Laverre City, and soon after that it will be shut down,” Ansgar explained proudly. ”However, there’s not only that. Experience has taught me something very important, my dear Fan.”

    “And that is?”

    “Information. In these years, and even more since the globalization of the Net, information is the true currency of this world. For example, we could help you find the one who destroyed you sister’s—”

    In a second, Ansgar had a knife against his neck. Fan didn’t like anyone talking about his sister. Not even his employer. “Leave my sister out of this,” said Fan menacingly. However, he soon found the knife pulling him. Ansgar was using his psychic powers on the knife. Fan tried fighting against them, but he was slowly being repelled. “Fan, I will ignore this incident if you sit down right now. I have been patient with you because I like you, but even I have a limit.”

    Fan did as he was told reluctantly. His pulse was racing.

    “Do you think we are stupid, Fan? Of course we know who you are looking for. The one that left your sister paraplegic two years ago. We can help you find him.”

    An intense silence. Soon after the short confrontation, both of them had decided to mind their own business. Ansgar kept on reading the documents, while Fan sat far away from his employer. The following hours passed by quickly as Fan had decided to sleep the remaining hours. The pain in his hand, however, woke him up several times. It was after the fourth time that Fan asked for Nicolette to help him.

    When she appeared, Fan soon realized that only three hours had passed. Unfortunately, Nicolette explained how she couldn’t apply any more cream in a few hours. They began talking. Fan learned about her time at the medical academy, and how she found work thanks to a recommendation from Ansgar.

    “He was my saviour,” Nicolette said with a sad face.

    “Your saviour?” Fan asked, confused.

    “Yes, my saviour. After the incident three years ago, Flandre —and Kalos in special— is having a hard time.”

    “Lumiose City looked fine,” Fan answered. In his short time, however, he did complain about the high prices. At first, he had thought it was a problem with the city itself. Being from the northern parts of the Republic of Zin, that had been his first job in Flandre, so he couldn’t really know much about pricing. Maybe he hadn’t pay as much attention as he thought.

    “Things are better in the capital. But the more rural parts of Kalos are suffering. It is not only the economy.”

    “What do you mean?”

    “Eastern Kalos is always in fear of an attack from other nations,” said Ansgar from the other side of the plane. For how long had he been eavesdropping? “The situation is better than three, even two years ago. Some say the Auger Empire was about to start a war. Some say Flandre wanted to activate the Ultimate Weapon once again, and use it to conquer the world. That’s an overstatement, of course, but rumours fly.”

    “It is the first time I’ve heard this,” Fan replied. Ansgar came closer to them, and leant his hand in one of the seats.

    “I guess international politics is not one of your talents. We’ll probably never know in detail what happened the days after it. But Kalos is in a very delicate position right now. Any suspicious movement and a war would surely break out.”

    Fan looked at Ansgar’s relaxed expression. He probably knew a lot more than he was saying, and probably much less than he wanted other to think. Ansgar himself said information was the currency of the world. Fan felt like he was starting to understand a little how the man thought. However, there was something hidden. Something he couldn’t understand about the job they assigned him.

    “Was my job related to this?” Fan asked. For a moment he thought he saw something in Ansgar’s face. But if it was real, the man had done a good job hiding it.

    “I will leave that to your imagination,” Ansgar replied with a smile.

    Nicolette sighed. “Monsieur Ansgar loves teasing people, Fan. But he is a good person. As I was telling you, he saved me. Right, Monsieur?”

    Monsieur?, Fan thought. Is that some kind of title? That was another one of those moments. Not as strong as a cultural shock, and more of a language problem. It was his first time hearing the word. Fan decided to let go of it.

    “You are going to make me blush, dear Nicolette. I only offered you a job because you are good at it. I am no saviour. I will be borrowing our guest now. You are dismissed,” said Ansgar. Nicolette left soon after that, and Ansgar sat. They were once again face to face. “We will be arriving shortly.”

    “You haven’t told me the destination yet,” Fan replied.

    “Well, plans have changed. I was supposed to take you to my boss, but there is a situation I must take care of. You need to do something about that pokéball of yours as well, so we’ll land in Hoenn. You can even consider it a vacation, maybe go to the beach or something,” Ansgar said while winking an eye.

    I can’t. I can’t. This man is too weird, Fan thought. He was trying to delete that moment from his memory.

    The plane landed more than half an hour later. The sun was high in the sky, almost about to become night again. Fan felt time playing around with him. He knew that it would happen, as Kalos was several thousands of kilometres west of Hoenn. They had crossed several time zones, and his lack of sleep wasn’t helping too much. And on top of that, Fan was sweating.

    Being from the northern parts of the Republic, Fan was raised in a colder environment, and so the heat was too much for him to bear. He took his already slim coat left it in his hand. He was only wearing a shirt, but the black trousers were giving him a hard time as well. He saw Ansgar in a similar condition. After taking the suit’s jacket off, he looked around. Nicolette and the other attendants followed closely.

    “It’s been a while, Hoenn!” Ansgar said. “What about eating something? We have to wait for a while before they fuel the plane.”

    Even with his mind numbed by the heat, Fan agreed. The group went to one of the numerous fast food chains in the airport. The chain’s most famous dish was hamburger, most of them made from local pokémon. They had lots of them, and most of them looked delicious, but Fan decided to order a ZigzaBurger. Ansgar, on the other hand, ordered a Magikarp Burger. Fan asked him why he chose such a common food, to which Ansgar replied that he preferred eating fish.

    Soon after that, they started eating. The flight attendants in a nearby table, but Ansgar and Fan were sharing a table. Once again, the situation confused Fan, as he was not expecting his employer to eat such mundane food. They had made clear money wasn’t a problem for them, and there was no lack of good restaurants in the airport. The fact that they were eating together, as well, irritated him. But he couldn’t show that to the one that gave him so much money.

    “Are you enjoying that?” Ansgar asked, as if trying to break the ice.

    “It is my first time trying zigzagoon meat. They are not common where I come from,” Fan replied before trying the hamburger. He enjoyed it, but couldn’t really distinguish between zigzagoon meat and those he was used to, like bouffalant or tranquill meat. He was reminded of her uncle —his father’s brother, who worked for years raising bouffalants in a small farm. When he was young, he would mount in one of the younger bouffalants, his parents and his uncle watching him. Fan remembered the sense of freedom and wildness, the cold wind in his face as the grass moved quickly by his side. Those had been simpler times.

    In a matter of minutes, Ansgar stood up and went to the counter. Fan saw him buy a coffee, which Ansgar was drinking as he returned. He had always preferred tea, however, as coffee was too bitter for his liking. Caffeine was necessary from time to time, but even then he could only take one cup of coffee. Two at most. Any more than that and he would be hyperactive the following hours. Ansgar finished the drink quickly and left the paper cup in the table.

    “I recommend contacting Devon Corporation. They are the ones in charge with pokéball distribution in Hoenn,” said Ansgar while cleaning his mouth in an elegant way. Everything about that man was elegant, and he despised all of it. Fan bowed slightly, almost as if nodding. Everyone knew Devon nowadays. The Net had been, after all, a joined project between them and Silph. However, Fan ignored their other business. In other countries, Devon is only known for their involvement in SmartGears and the Net.

    Not long after Fan’s nod, Ansgar approached the girls. He could hear some complaining after the man spoke. He even saw disappointment in Nicolette’s face as she came back with Ansgar. “I will leave Nicolette with you. She’ll have to tend to your wounds after all,” Ansgar said. Fan could almost see an evil smile coming from him. While he might have chosen her because of her abilities, Fan was sure a part of Ansgar was enjoying the whole situation. Why did he play around with the girl? It’s as if he was torturing him, and she just accepted it. The girl bowed, and Fan did the same by reflex.

    “Well, my dear friends,” Ansgar said as one of the pilots approached them. “It seems my time with you is over for now. I will contact you in a couple of days, Fan, and we will discuss my offer then. And I want Nicolette back unharmed.”

    After a wink, Ansgar bowed. Fan was surprised everyone was bowing, as it was not common in the West. There was no doubt they were doing it to make him feel comfortable with them. Fan felt the need to remind them he was the one that should be adapting their customs, and not the other way. Ansgar had left too fast, however, for him to say anything. The other two flight attendants bowed as well as they followed Ansgar, while Nicolette was seeing them off with a weave of her hand.

    “Well, let’s leave the airport,” Nicolette suggested. From the way she moved, that wasn’t her first time in the place. Fan followed her, passing through various parts of the building. He could see a lot of people around, most of them coming from flights than the other way around.

    After some minutes of walking around numerous stores, most of them selling food or clothes, they reached the exit. Nicolette began talking to a taxi driver, and made a signal so that Fan would enter in the vehicle. Nicolette did the same. The driver was a young man, but with a grown black beard that made him look older at first sight. As Nicolette was fastening her belt, the driver asked where to go.

    “Mauville City, good sir,” answered Nicolette with a smile that made the driver turn his head in an apparent embarrassment.

    The world after the firing of the Ultimate Weapon. Consequences will follow

    Latest chapter: 2-B. Traveling (15-08-2016)

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Jan 2016
    Posts
    38

    Default

        Spoiler:

    Traveling

    With the coming of dawn, Lena woke up.

    Two days had passed since the incident. Two long and busy days. Moments after being discharged from, the hospital the police had questioned her. For hours. Lena behaved as an outstanding citizen and answered every question. The police officer in charge was the man who had saved her, named Looker. He was an interesting detective. A quick surfing through the Net was more than sufficient to confirm it: involvement in several major operations, most of them resulting in the disband of criminal organizations.

    One of them concerned Sinnoh, several years back. Lena clearly remembered Team Galactic, as her aunt received several complains about the ruffians, back at her home. Her true home. She would not accept that man’s house as her home. She managed to avoid him by sleeping in the Pokémon Center. Saffron City was enormous, but she was sure he would be able to find her eventually.

    He also had a weird accent.

    “This is unbelievable,” Lena complained as she moved from the surprisingly comfortable sofa in the top floor. A kind nurse gave her a blanket for the night, but she barely had any need for it. That night had been really warm. After taking a refreshing shower in the bathroom, she looked at her SmartGear and checked her friends' messages. They knew of everything that happened, and were worried. One of them, the always vigorous Mat, even offered going to Kanto to check on her. But she sent a picture of herself and her pokémon to show them she was alright.

    Lena, Plume, Claw the nidoran and Whiskers the rattata.

    More than an hour was spent choosing the names, and although Lena accepted they were certainly cliché, she liked them. Both Claw and Whiskers were reluctant to interact with any other human. After much struggle, Whiskers had accepted to be treated by the nurses in the Center, but Claw didn't. Lena talked to one of the doctors, who specialized in pokémon psychology -discipline she didn't know even existed. According to the inspection the doctor did, Claw suffered from anthrophobia. "It is most certainly only temporary. Your Claw suffered a lot in the past days, so it is normal," the doctor had tried to confort Lena. "Claw should recover in a few weeks at most, but you must make sure she doesn't go through any psychological stress until it is gone."

    Lena was resolved to protect them. It was her duty as their trainer - and their friend over everything else. She would care for them as thoroughly as she could.

    After returning the blanket to the receptionist of the Center, and giving her thanks to everyone, Lena left the Pokémon Center and started walking through the city. Her mind, while scheming about ways to heal Claw, was also thinking on her next move. After leaving Sinnoh, she was supposed to defeat the Indigo League and become the Champion. Well, that was her intention. She wanted to become a great trainer, as good as her mother was. Her sixteenth birthday was the day her aunt accepted her request, after many discussions between them. The whole situation was destroying her plans. What was she to do?

    Lena checked the Net, finding a map of the Kanto region. The only real place she knew in Kanto was Saffron City, and that had been years ago. Before her mother died. She had spent hours on hours studying Johto. Should she return there? Information about the Magnet Train appeared on her SmartGear. A magnetic levitation train, which traveled from Saffron City all the way to Goldenrod City. How convenient! She had forgotten about it.

    Following the signs on the streets, she found the Magnet Train station. She opened the crystal door and looked around. She could see a ticket seller to her right, where a line of seven people was already formed. A family was seating to her left. There were several other individuals and groups waiting as well. Lena moved to the end of the line, and after a good fifteen minutes - mostly because an old man in the line - it was her turn.

    "Welcome to Saffron City's station. How can I help you?" the seller asked. He had short black hair and was dressing a blue uniform. His black eyes looked bored to her. Lena wondered how would she cope with being there, selling tickets for hours without anything else to do. She was too active for that.

    "Ah, yes. I would like a pass for Goldenrod City." Lena took her wallet as the seller typed in the computer.

    "It will be one thousand five hundred dollars."

    Lena payed with her credit card and, for once, she thanked her stupid father. At least she had enough money to survive alone. She was thinking about him too often. Was it because she was in Saffron City? Lena was certainly done with him.

    "Thank you for your purchase," the man gave her the pass and smiled. "Have a safe trip."

    Lena smiled in return, and the next one in the line, a boy that looked younger than her, took her place. After checking the ticket, Lena realized she would have to wait half an hour for the next train to arrive. There was a table close to an expending machine, so she decided to eat something. Five minutes later, she had a croissant and a coffee on her table - as well as a sandwhich and a pecha berry juice for the trip. Munching on the croissant, she checked her SmartGear. Mat had left a message for her on the chat.

    [TheIncredibleMat: how r u doin?

    TheIncredibleMat: I saw your pic on the group chat

    TheIncredibleMat: those mons of yours look great!

    TheIncredibleMat: we should have a battle when you are stronger!

    TheIncredibleMat: brb, there's a bug catcher here that wants to face me

    TheIncredibleMat: i hate bugs]

    Lena wondered why she ended up being his friend. He was just so stupid sometimes! Like his chat name. TheIncredibleMat sounded so immature she almost laughed the first time they chatted. It was unbelievable. Unfortunately, he was a much experienced trainer than she was. Lena received her own pokémon only a few weeks back, but Mat had been training for years already. Most trainers started their journey at age ten, but her aunt was very protective.

    Lena slowly took a sip of coffee. She liked it just like that one. Not sweet enough to make the coffee lose its taste, but not sour enough that was disgusting. The remaining time felt like an eternity to her. When would she leave the city? She needed to run. Far, far away from there. After about fifteen minutes, Lena decided to finish her coffee and get into the line. She wanted to be close to the rails when the train came. It was, after all, her first time watching a magnetic levitation train in person. Lena caught all of her rubbish in her hand and threw it like a basketball player would. The paper cup with which she drank the coffee did get into the bin first try, but the plastic from the croissant fell to the ground.

    Very quickly, she closed in to the bin and picked up the fallen plastic, letting it carefully fall inside the bin. In her mind, those last moments didn't happen, and she managed to score everything first time. A small victory.

    Five minutes later, she had already shown the pass to the guard at the entrance of the rails. A lot of people were already outside. Lena stood behind the yellow line, meant to protect the future passengers from harm when the train arrived. The family from before, which consisted of the father, the mother and two children was to her right. One of the children looked almost ten years old, and was wearing a pokeball themed cap. The other was a younger girl, maybe six years old, with a pretty yellow shirt and orange pants. They were fighting over something, but Lena didn't want to pry.

    "Train at platform one is the eleven o'clock Magnet Train service to: Goldenrod City. Please stand back from the platform edge until the stopping service has come to a stop at the platform. Parents and guardians are reminded that the station can be a dangerous environment. Please make sure that your children are supervised at all times," a robotic woman's voice was heard from the speakers in the station.

    Lena's heart was pumping with excitement. She could see a small white dot in the distance to her right, but as seconds passed the dot became bigger and bigger. The train arrived in the station, and it was marvelous. It was a flash at the beginning, but as it slowed down Lena started scouting it. In her eyes, she could see the elegance and the advanced technology behind it. Much more than a bullet of white metal hanging over some rails. Looking at the rails, Lena found the train levitating. Levitating! How did they do it exactly was beyond her comprehension, but she thought it might be related to how some pokémon, like magnemite, could levitate. Did they study those pokémon to create it? So many questions that needed answers. But they could wait. The train stopped completely and the doors opened. Lots of people started to leave the vehicle. Lena waited, but did she want to ride it!

    Without realizing her feet wouldn't stay put, Lena waited for a moment. The doors opened and dozens of people started flooding from the inside. She had to wait for more than a minute before even trying to enter the vehicle, and even then she had to fight the other people that wanted to go in. She turned right, and suddenly saw a screen which indicated a terrible thing: she was in the wrong wagon. Checking her pass confirmed this, as her seat was wagon two, seat fourty two.

    And she ended up in wagon three.

    Going to the right wagon took her a couple more minutes - she had to evade a lot of people to get there and it had been exhausting. Even if she was used to being surrounded by lots of people, there were a lot of them in a narrow space. She finally reached her spot. The seat was located near the window, and to its left there was another one. In front of them there was a small table and two other seats facing in the opposite direction. Lena sat.

    Seconds later someone sat next to her, but the other two available spots were already taken. Facing her was the boy that replaced her in the station's line. He was of short black hair, and wore a white shirt with black details. He was pretty instead of handsome. That, however, was probably due to his age more than anything else. He did look at least two years younger than Lena. The boy was looking at the window, unamused. To his left was a woman reading a book. The woman was very elegant in a traditional sense. Long black hair and big black eyes was paired with a beautiful face. Lena's knowledge of make up - which she didn't use most of the time - allowed her to understand that the woman had spent a considerable amount of time working on her face. It was natural, yet it allowed her best features to stand out. The middle aged man that sat to Lena's left wore a blue suit, and didn't even bother looking at his surroundings. He was probably a regular traveler in this line.

    The train started to move, and Lena looked at the other side of the window. She was finally making distance between Saffron and herself. Slowly but steadily the buildings started to move. A couple of minutes later, they were nowhere to be seen.

    "Mama, mama, there's something in there!" Lena could hear the voice of a young girl on the other side of the wagon. She instinctively stood up a little, trying to see them above the seats. The family she saw on the station was on another group of seats surrounding a table. They were eating something.

    How happy they were. Lena felt almost jealous. Memories of her family. Her father. Her mother. The three of them, living a mostly peaceful life. Lena noticed the boy in front of her. He was looking at her with eyes that looked bored. Extremely bored, and almost irritating.

    The boy sighed, and turned his eyes to the window again. "Can you decide?"

    "Decide what?" Lena asked. She didn't understand.

    "Decide if you are going to sit down or stand up. You are bothering others."

    You are annoying, Lena thought. What was his problem? She had only done it for about a minute or so, and he was already complaining. By something as simple as that! The annoying one was him. Lena sat again, outraged. "Why won't you leave me alone, then? You can change seats if you are so annoyed, boy."

    "Boy? You are just a couple years older than me!"

    "So? What's your problem?"

    "Would you just sit down and stay-"

    A sudden tremor and a loud noise.

    "Wha-"

    The ground moved. The windows broke in small pieces. Black smoke outside. Lena fell to the side and pushed the suited man to the ground, and she followed. Her head was spinning. She tried to stand up, but another tremor made her fall again. Her ears were almost blocked by a high pitched sound. However, she could barely hear sounds in the distance. People screaming. Lena looked at the suited man, that managed to stand up and was walking. Where was he going? The emergency exit!

    The ground trembled once again. Another explosion. The train started to lean and fall. The pull made her slide on the corridor, but her hand managed to grab something. The seats. She wouldn't resist too long. A feeling of falling. Another hand hold hers.

    Lena saw the boy, holding her hand and pulling. The woman from before was doing the same. They seemed to be talking to her, or shouting between them. She couldn't really say which one of them was it. With no little effort they managed to pull Lena to her seat.

    Lena just closed her eyes for the following minutes. A lot of trembling and strong sounds. The sound of metal clashing with leaves. Another big sound, like clashing with the actual ground. She was scared. Again. Lena was not only scared, but angry. Angry at herself and angry at the world. Kidnapped one day, and then in an accident two days later? She didn't remember ever having such bad luck. Except that time she pulled a ninetales' tail without the pokémon agreeing to it. She had a week full of bad luck, but it had been only stupid things. This was different.

    When she opened her eyes, she could feel the pull of gravity. The wagon was upside down, and a large tree branch stabbing it from side to side was placed in the middle of the wagon. Luckily, it was the branch itself that made the wagon slow down. Lena thought of offering a prayer to Celebi and Arceus for saving her. She hadn't offered a prayer to Arceus in years, and she felt slightly guilty for that. She wasn't even sure if Arceus existed, but there were a lot of traditions in Sinnoh claiming the pokémon to be the real God. Not that she believed in them, at least not as strongly as people born in the region. Her aunt was a believer as well, and for the first two years living there, she had to go to church.

    But it was not the right time to think about that!

    The annoying sound in her ears started to go away, but she still felt a certain numbness. Lena looked around. She could see the boy and the woman, in almost the same state as she was. At the end of the wagon, the parents were protecting their children. She could recognize the old man from before, and surprisingly he was perfectly calm. Was it a thing of growing up? Nobody looked badly hurt, mostly brushes like herself.

    "We need...go outs..." Lena heard from the boy. Her hearing hadn't recovered yet, but she nodded and started moving. She looked around once again, looking for a way out. The safest route would probably be to reach the emergency doors. Did the man from before manage to exit? Lena saw another huge branch in the direction of the emergency exit.

    "Yeah, very useful emergency exit!" Lena said. She had shouted without realizing it herself. She was angry.

    "We can go out from the window!" the boy yelled. Lena looked outside. There was a nearby branch. She grabbed it with both hands, and pulled herself a little outside the window. About one and a half meters fall. The boy looked as well, with a very serious face. She wondered how her own face looked like in that moment. The other woman's face was, for instance, panicking.

    "That's a safe height, we should go outside from here," Lena said as she took the first step. Still holding the branch, she jumped. Her feet and knees were in pain seconds after the fall, but she was on safe ground. As safe as it could be. The boy jumped next, and they spent the next minutes helping the other passengers go down. The last one was the old man, but surprisingly enough he didn't need any help. He was in a pretty decent physical condition.

    "Is everyone safe?" the old man asked. He had a certain authority to his voice. The people around answered with broken voices. The children were very afraid, and the little boy was probably the most scared of thwMaybe because he understood the situation much better than his sister, or maybe it was easy to scare him. Whichever was the case, Lena felt like she needed to make them feel safe.

    "What happened?" the mother asked.

    "I heard explosions. I don't know where they came from." Lena looked up, trying to see the rails. Several meters of the rails were destroyed. Was it a pokémon of some kind? Was it a malfunction? The severity of the incident didn't look like either of those. Lena sighed.

    "In any case, we need to find other people. Anyone knows our location?" the boy asked.

    They were surrounded by a forest. Even in the morning, the forest was dense and they couldn't see any signs of civilization. Excluding the destroyed train, of course.

    "Judging by the time of the explosion, we are probably somewhere between Pewter and Celadon," the old man said. "We should start walking. We will walk leaving the rails at out backs."

    "We should stay! We, we will be saved soon! The forest is dangerous, and probably full of wild pokémon!" The beautiful woman had a really scary face. She was also angry, but she was directing her anger to other people. Not that Lena did different, but the woman was older. Weren't adults supposed to be calm and serious?

    "We will reach a city sooner if we walk. Either following the rails in either direction or with the rails behind us," the boy said. "I agree with the geezer."

    "Ho, ho! But I am no geezer, young one! I am barely fifty six years old!" the old man said. He loughed loud afterwards. Was he trying to ease the tension in the group?

    "Whatever," was the boy's simple answer. Lena spotted a smile, yet it vanished a second later.

    "Ah, excuse me."

    Lena, the boy and the old man turned. It was the family's father. "Shouldn't we, I don't know, try calling? Maybe we can contact the police or someone."

    "I tried already. There's hardly any coverage in the surroundings," the boy answered.

    "Ah, great! I need to talk to my manager!" the beautiful woman said.

    Her comment was, of course, ignored by the rest of the group. Lena felt the awkwardness in the air. At least the children laughed together when they ignored the woman. "I think we should at least name ourselves. I am Lena."

    "You can call me Captain Marvelous," announced the old man while making a funny pose in front of the children. He was trying to cheer them up, "but really, my name is Marcel. Nice to meet you all."

    The boy answered as well, "You can call me Oliver. And the old lady?"

    "Old lady! How dare you! I am only twenty ni-twenty five!" The answer was received with more silence. Why was she lying? Did she care that much about her appearence, even in those circumstances?. "Ehem, I guess you will all know me. I am famous after all. My name is Estella Walther, two times winner of the Milotic Cup, held in -"

    "And the family?" asked Oliver, obviously trying to change the conversation. Estella started yelling at him, but he just ignored it. Again. They should be cooperating, and yet there was a lot of tension.

    "I am Jason Duncan. And this is my family -as you've probably guessed already," the man said.

    "I am his wife, Eleanor. And Miss Walther, I am a fan, don't you worry."

    Estella laughed and smiled at this comment. How simple is she?, Lena thought.

    "I am Dave! Good to smell ya!"

    "Dave!" Eleanor said as she looked at the kid. She had a scary face, and in those moments she looked like a very strict mother. Jason didn't look like a very strict one, in contrast. Opposites do attract, after all?

    "Yeah, yeah, Mom. My name is Dave, it is a pleasure to meet you," Dave said with a monotonous voice.

    "And I'm Lu! It's very nice to meet you," answered the girl, and the last one in the group.

    "Nice to meet you too, Lu," Lena said. She dedicated a smile to little Lu. In Lena's eyes, who had never met any sister, she was adorable.

    "I like you hair, Lena. So red and bright!"

    "Oh, thank you, Lu. I like yours too."

    "Everyone, please. Can we please focus? We need to do something about this situation. You know, being in the middle of nowhere and stuff." Oliver complained.

    Everyone began thinking at the same time, and moments later Marcel said: "Any of you a trainer?"

    Lena and Oliver raised their hands at mostly the same time. "I used to be one, but it's been years," Jason added.

    "I will be one soon! You will see, I will be the very best. You don't even know it, but my friend Blue is gonna -"

    "That is quite enough, Dave. It is not the right moment." Dave didn't take the reprimand from his mother well, but he did shut up.

    "Well, we'll work with what we have. Oliver, Lena, do you have any flying pokémon with you?"

    Lena thought for a moment. Plume was technically one, but Lena feared her pokémon wouldn't be of any use? Plume couldn't fly for very long, and not very high either. She needed to catch a pokémon that allowed her to move fast and fly someday.

    "I have my pidgeot."

    Oliver took a pokéball and a majestic pidgeot was released. The avian pokémon was bigger than Lena thought, almost her height. It was colourful, with a bright yellow and red crest that made contrast with its more pale plumage.

    "We should scout, then. Can you make it fly around and find the nearest city?" Marcel asked.

    "Sure," Oliver answered. He made a hand sign to his pokémon. The pidgeot started to flap its wings. Soon afterwards, the pidgeot was already in the top of the forest. Its shadow turned around and started moving in circles before choosing a direction. Opposite to the train rails. "It seems we are closer to Celadon. I'll have Pidgeot scout the area ahead of us." He made another hand sign and the pidgeot started flying in circles above the group. Lena was surprised by that method. Most of the time, trainers gave verbal commands to their pokémon. How much training did they do, to communicate like that?

    While she thought about it, the group started moving.
    Last edited by Yagami Kyo; 15th August 2016 at 8:14 PM.

    The world after the firing of the Ultimate Weapon. Consequences will follow

    Latest chapter: 2-B. Traveling (15-08-2016)

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Sep 2010
    Location
    California
    Posts
    1,001

    Default

    I really need to get back into fanfiction reviewing on SPPf, lol. Here's one of my Review Game-style reviews.

    ---

    Plot
    These two chapters were nice. I read the first three chapters, too, and I thought that "Runaway" and "Traveling" nicely continued the stories of Fan and Lena. Now that the story is rolling and moving along nicely, I've gotten a good idea that the story will be following two very different characters: the mysterious, freelancing agent, Fan; and the bitter, determined trainer, Lena.

    I'm wondering how the two characters and their arcs are related, though. So far there seems to be no connection at all between them, because Fan is a criminal in Kalos while Lena is a traveler in Johto. I'm hoping that the connection between the two will become more apparent as the story goes on, because currently the story just seems to follow two completely unrelated characters. This makes the story feel disjointed right now, but I'm sure Fan and Lena have some connection, and there's a reason why the story follows both of them. My guess is that Fan is actually Lena's father, who left her a long time ago with her aunt, Fan's paralyzed sister. But it's too early to make assumptions, haha.

    You've built up a lot of mystery regarding the plot, characters, and setting, so great job on that. I like the way Fan and Lena are unfolding, as you slowly reveal more and more about their characters and backstories. You did a great job on revealing things bit by bit, leaving me curious about who exactly Fan is and what happened to Lena's family.

    Setting
    I'm really interested in this world you've created, as you've revealed more and more about what the Pokemon World is like now that the Ultimate Weapon has been fired. The world looks like a very dangerous and unstable place, with the regions and nations on the verge of going to war with each other. I don't see much about the Ultimate Weapon playing a part in Lena and Fan's lives, but that may change later. Right now, it just seems that their lives are made more complicated, as the firing of the Ultimate Weapon made the Pokemon World more unstable. Interesting. I wonder what other roles the Ultimate Weapon will play in the story.

    Spelling/Grammar
    Your spelling, grammar, and English usage were largely good. There were a few mistakes here and there, but nothing so major that it hampered my enjoyment of the story. A beta reader would really help with sorting out the English usage, and I'd offer to be one if it weren't for the huge number of personal projects I already have. For now, a good thing to do would be to always read what you've written at least once before posting it, and running the document through a spell checker.

    Scene
    Once again, nice action scenes. Fan's chapter was largely quiet, moving forward the plot and unraveling his whereabouts as we got to learn more about Fan's situation. But Lena's chapter included a really nice action scene in the form of the train accident. It was nicely written, and I could feel the fear of the passengers as I read the chapter. I also liked the way Lena lamented her bad luck, because two large-scale misfortunes within a few days of each other is truly terrible luck, and realistically anyone would be upset about it.

    Character
    I liked both Lena and Fan. I especially liked the contrast between them, and if my above theory about Fan being Lena's father is correct, that would make the contrast even more awesome. I was surprised at Lena's age, though. She seems to be seventeen at the very least, and I would have thought a seventeen-year-old could deal with poachers more bravely. The fact that the poachers referred to her as a little girl was also confusing. Maybe she's just immature for her age, or looks to be several years younger. But otherwise, great job on her character. I like how you gave her the flaw of not being a great Trainer, and I wonder how that trait will affect her later.

    ---

    I was trying to make my reviews more informal so I wouldn't stress out over them as much, but this one ended up being pretty long, lol. I guess I just had a lot of things to say. I can't promise that I'll be following this fic - I have a lot of other stuff going on right now - but I'll try to drop another review a few chapters down the line.

    Keep up the good work!

    Pi
    Last edited by American--Pi; 20th August 2016 at 7:12 AM. Reason: Adding stuff to the review

    Click the banner above to get information about an SPPf Fan Fiction community contest I am helping with!
    It's a special contest that celebrates the 20th anniversary of the Pokemon franchise.
    The top three participants will earn graphic prizes made by me, so I encourage you to take a look.


    Author's Profile | Art Thread
    Tumblr | Shipping List | Claims

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •