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Thread: ~Nameless Supplanter~ [PG-15]

  1. #1

    Default ~Nameless Supplanter~ [PG-15]

    ~Nameless Supplanter~

    "A nameless young man enters Cerulean City, his lust empowering him. What he thought was a simple act of deception to make the red haired beauty his, instead turned out to him being caught in a turf war between two rival organizations."



        Spoiler:- Warning:



    ~Nameless Supplanter~ is a series I use to do when I was younger where a nameless fellow enters into different situations and must figure a way out. This is the first time I wrote it out like this in a fanfic and is the first time I made him the manner he is: deceitful, lustful, and selfish; an anti-hero of sorts. It takes place some years in the future where some characters have gotten older.

    This story has been in steady production, on delivering a new Act on average every two weeks.



    ~Acts~
    Act 1: Challenging the Beauty (scroll down)
    Act 2: VS Kasumi -- Soul Intrusion
    Act 3: VS Kasumi -- A Mermaid Without Water
    Act 4: Saving Starmie
    Act 5: Escaping the Ice Maiden
    Act 6: Dire News
    Act 7: The Limitations of the Human Body
    Act 8: Reunion
    Act 9: The Invitation
    Act 10: Delayed Gratification
    Act 11: VS Rocket-P -- The White Aura
    Act 12: The Pendant
    Act 13: The Cerulean Gym Referee
    Act 14: VS Annie -- The Lucky Lady's Pixy
    Act 15: VS Annie -- Rotomu and the Sensual Dream
    Act 16: VS Rocket-F -- Metronome's Perfect Defense
    Act 17: VS Rocket-F -- Hidden Power
    Act 18: Threats
    Act 19: Team Nebula
    Act 20: Kidnapped and Rescued
    Act 21: Rocket-V VS Nebula-L -- Empathetic Rage [10/17/2012]
    Act 22: The Trainer Who Halted the War [12/18/2012]


    Acts with VS signify battles in them





    ~Nameless Supplanter~

    Act 1


    The gym looked different than he remembered but it was of no importance. After all, the colorful sign with water symbols told him this was the Cerulean Gym.

    He pushed opened the doors only to find the place without lights. The darkened area was just visible enough to see several small pools surrounding a large one in the center; the gym battle setting. The sides of the gym had bleachers extending to the length of the large pool. No signs of life were seen anywhere. He had half expected to see that red haired beauty emerge from the darkness in a ray of light illuminating the gym.

    No such luck.

    In disappointment, he left the gym and wondered what he should do next. Waiting was an option but for all he knew the residents of the gym may have gone on vacation. He wished he had confronted the beauty on the street earlier to see if she would've been available for a gym battle.

    "Followed by a date afterwards."

    He laughed at his own fantasy only to realize he was laughing out loud alone. Embarrassed that anyone saw him he trotted off toward the nearby park where he saw the beauty originally in vain hope that their paths may cross again.

    Many people came and went. Children were playing on the grass with their various pokémon while their parents were relaxing on the benches nearby. Couples were walking with their arms linked together happily enjoying the cool afternoon; he was envious.

    His mind wondered if he could have been here with that beauty arm-in-arm. They would walk together past all these other people in their own little world. The cool breeze would be buffeted by the warmth that gave off from their contact. In an open meadow they'll stop and she'll stand in front of him looking up into his eyes.

    And then…

    There was a hardening tightness in his face telling him that he was blushing; the picturesque dream shattered.

    "Hey, are you alright?" Spoke a voice.

    Surprised but annoyed at the voice disrupting his return to the dream, he turned to face the person.

    It was something that always made him wonder about this place. The people and their strange colored hair compared to what he was use to back home. The guy had blue hair, something he was not use to seeing but at the very least it was in the shade of his favorite color, cerulean, appropriate for this city. The hair was also the same color as his jeans. His simple long sleeved black shirt and red shoes was the closest thing to normal about him. There was a fanny pack at his waist and a small satchel bag behind him. His eyes were too small to identify any color in them.

    He answered the blue haired guy saying that he was fine and was about to make his way until it dawned on him: this guy could know where that beauty was!

    "Hold on a second, would you happen to know where the gym leader is?"

    The blue haired boy looked at him in a strange manner as if he should know better.

    "Don't you know? There is going to be the Oceania Festival in a month from today. Many places are closed down for the day to start planning the routes of the parades, activities, and much more."

    A festival; there is always a festival in these cities. He could use this to his advantage at least.

    He asked the blue haired guy if the gym leader would be back soon. His response was that the gym leader would likely be back before the evening started.

    "After the Cascade Badge are you?"

    It took him a moment to remember the gym leaders give badges to the ones victorious over them.

    "Yes, a badge, of course." Thankfully, he was able to keep a nonchalant attitude.

    "Well, my friend, I hope you do well then in your endeavors."

    The way he said "endeavors" bothered him as if he knew he had another reason to battle the gym leader.

    "You shouldn't be in such a rush. After all, Cerulean City isn't without its other beauties outside the gym." The blue haired guy laughed and walked past him.

    Beauties… he knew after all. It had been less than a day and this city was already intriguing him.

    "I wonder how this will play out, wouldn't you agree?" He said while looking down at his necklace. The necklace gave a small quiver in response.

    An hour passed by as he continued his wait on a bench near the gym. He was glad he carried around a short stories book by Hans Christen Andersen to pass the time. No sooner did he begin the next story, "The Little Mermaid," did he recognize a voice nearby.

    "This script is wonderful! I really loved how the playwright did his own rendition of such a great tale. Not only that but our gym gets to host it!" Said the familiar voice that made him lose his breath in anticipation.

    He peeked from his book just barely to see a group of girls passing by.

    There were four of them. Three of them looked to be the same age based off their height and similar appearance. Their hair consisted of colors including blond, pink, and, of course, blue respectively. They were wearing bright colored dresses as if they had just come back from a formal ball. But it was the fourth one, with her single buttoned yellow vest with a burgundy shirt going down into her yellow short pants, the shortest of the group, and that vibrant single pigtailed red hair that caught his attention; the origin of the voice.

    "Well, little sister, we have a lot of work to do for just a month time frame." Spoke the blond haired girl. She sounded almost sympathetic in a manner that a mother would do to her child regarding responsibility.

    The beauty took several steps ahead of her sisters and stopped, just in front of him, and faced her sisters with a thick bundle of papers, most likely the script of this "play," rolled up in her fist in a display of determination.

    "Ha, you don't have to talk to me like that. I am the Cerulean Gym leader after all! I can pull this play off while still beating trainers who come to challenge me!" The beauty's voice was so passionate it was like fire reverberating around the bench he was sitting on. This gave him goosebumps but he enjoyed the feeling.

    He peeked more above his book as he saw the pink haired sister place a hand on the beauty's shoulder.

    "Don't you worry about the play; we'll handle it."

    "After all, this is up our alley!" Said the blue haired sister.

    The beauty sighed shaking her head.

    "You three 'would' find an excuse to not do your gym duties." The fiery passion was gone from her voice but she retained her excitement soon afterwards.

    It was now or never. He had to be sure the four would be heading back to the gym. A plan was forming in his head...

    "Excuse me, ladies." His voice was calm but confident. Standing up, he closed his book and held it across his chest.

    They turned to him in surprise not realizing he had been sitting beside them the entire time. He kept eye contact on all four as to not arise suspicion; the blue haired boy from earlier left him paranoid.

    "I couldn't but overhear that one of you is the gym leader. I've come from far away in hopes to battle this said leader of this fine city." This type of talk was very natural for him to imitate. He knew already who the gym leader was but he was going to enjoy the performance that was about to unravel between the siblings in hopes to get those goosebumps again.

    The beauty, with the rolled up script in hand, placed her hands on her hips with her torso outwards in a confident prideful manner.

    "You're looking at one of Kanto's best gym leaders. The great-"

    The blond sister interjected.

    "Yes, the gym leader of Cerulean City is our little sister here." She rubbed the beauty's head playfully which was immediately swatted away by her.

    "What are you doing, Sakura? Are you trying to get him to be overconfident and think ill of our gym?" She was upset that her monologue was interrupted.

    "Oh, come now, little sister, you shouldn't need to feel embarrassed." Said the pink haired sister.

    "I agree. Don't let your poor self-image get the best of you, little sister." The blue hair sister this time.

    The three older sisters laughed at their younger sister's dismay.

    "You too, Ayame, Botan? All three of you are the ones with self-image issues, getting all dolled up for every little occasion, even for that town hall meeting for the Oceania Festival planning! And my name isn't little sister…"

    The beauty stopped, she turned the corner of her eyes toward him with the same glare she gave her sister's. She immediately followed this glare by turning her whole body with a pokéball in her free hand toward him defiantly.

    "…my name is Kasumi, the gym leader of the Cerulean Gym! If it is the Cascade Badge you want then you will have to defeat me and my pokémon to get it!" The fiery reverberation surrounded them again giving him the goosebumps from earlier that he enjoyed. He had hoped to shudder from the feeling and enjoy it further but instead took out his pokéball and mimicked her defiant stance with it just barely touching hers.

    "Then I won't lose." His own fiery reverberation was rivaling hers like two spirits of champion warriors clashed in a stalemate. The adrenaline rushing through his body gave him such euphoria that he couldn't help but smile greatly; his necklace quivered again.

    <This day is becoming very intriguing.>

    End of Act 1
    Last edited by Caduceus Brigade; 18th December 2012 at 4:45 PM.

  2. #2

    Default

    ~Nameless Supplanter~

    Act 2


    He had returned to the gym with the sisters. The lights illuminated the once dark gym revealing what he could not see before. There were several square floatation pads and various shaped slides in the other pools surrounding the main one in the center. A couple large square flotation pads were in the main pool. His guess this was for the trainers who didn't use a water type pokémon. A high diving board was at one end of the pool where Kasumi stood beside with her arms crossed waiting.

    "Where is Annie?" Asked Kasumi facing the bleachers.

    The bleachers were longer than he remembered and were no longer unoccupied as the sister trio were sitting on them. They were still wearing the formal dresses from earlier.

    "She said she had to step out for the day but had a substitute in place of her." Said Sakura.

    Kasumi looked around from where she stood. He felt compelled to look as well but his eyes were locked on her. There was a moment of shame in the back of his head but he ignored it.

    "This isn't good. If Annie's substitute doesn't show up soon then we can't have this gym battle." Kasumi seemed annoyed but he couldn't tell if it was because of the substitute's irresponsibility of not showing up or if all that emotion she displayed earlier was for naught.

    It crossed his mind that Annie must have been the gym's referee. No gym leader meant no gym battle. No gym battle would ruin his plans and he couldn't let that happen. He was beginning to formulate a way through this when he heard the sister trio scream.

    Turning the corner of his eyes he saw a man standing midway on the pool's border on top of a blue block. The man looked like something out of a B rated horror movie. He wore two layers of royal purple colored ponchos that were so large they covered most of his legs only revealing black boots. There was a black hood over his head with strands of black hair emerging from it and resting on his collar. His eyes were so bright that they almost seemed white in its entirety. In his hands was a flag in each, one red in Kasumi's direction and one blue in his direction. The overall figure resembled a ghost referee from the underworld.

    A ghost referee, what a joke.

    "He—he just appeared out of nowhere!" Said a frightened Botan. She was clinging onto her nearby sister, Ayame, who in turn was clinging to Sakura.

    The ghostly figure stood silently for a moment before turning his head to face Kasumi.

    "Ms. Annie asked me to referee for today while she is out. You may call me, Edwin."

    There was a slight hissing sound from the substitute referee's voice like air slowly escaping through a tube, phantasmal like a specter. There was a cold draft soon after the sound was gone.

    "Very well then. We are in need for a referee for this match." Kasumi gave the impression she was trying to be brave by getting to the point and not stuttering her words. While he caught the façade, it impressed him.

    However, with a referee finally in place, the gym battle could continue as well as his plans. He was getting pumped up causing the cold draft to dissipate fearfully back to its ghostly master. He took off his necklace and put it in his jacket's pocket carefully.

    "This is as good as ours." He whispered with a smile down at his jacket's pocket.

    Leaning forward with one leg out and placing a hand on his pokéball on his waist he faced Kasumi directly, from the other side of the pool, who still was looking at Edwin.

    Kasumi paused and noticed he was looking at her. His confident spirit from earlier returned and he knew she saw that, but his ulterior motives and thoughts were hidden behind it away from her view. She was caught off guard by him being ready before she was. His eyes remained fixated on her like a predator waiting to strike his prey; he would not risk having his back turned even before the actual gym battle. Blinking would only mean mercy and he would not allow it. The "spirit of battle" to him was giving your all and to not hold back. He knew she felt the same; the fiery reverberation from earlier that caressed his soul pleasantly. There was not a time he could remember being this fired up in a long time even with the amnesia…

    Surprised by his battle stance, Kasumi closed her eyes for a moment, silently. Several seconds later she opened them with a dark smile that immediately expelled the same fighting spirit from earlier. No longer in the freedom of the infinite space outside, the fiery reverberation echoed throughout the gym striking him from all sides, above, and below like a raging inferno holding him in a vice grip; this was her realm, her territory, and he was an intruder. Her fighting spirit was intimidating at first but his desires kept him focused.

    "Oh, my." Said Sakura softly. Her other sisters said nothing. It seemed the eldest sister was the only one able to not succumb to ignited air around them.

    "If I may then." Said the ghostly referee, Edwin.

    "Yes."

    It was all Kasumi could say without lowering her guard to him. He was glad to have all this attention from her, even if it was for a battle.

    "Very well."

    Through peripheral vision, he saw Edwin lift the blue flag toward him.

    "On the blue side we have the challenger who has issued a request to do battle with…"

    Edwin lowered the blue flag and raised the red one toward Kasumi.

    "…the red side, the leader of the Cerulean Gym, Kasumi."

    Kasumi gave a patient type of smile this time. It was another façade she tried to pull over him. They both were reflections of the other in battle stance and in spirit. He could see himself in her eyes and she must have from his. It was unfortunate for him that the first time they would look into each other's eyes would be in a battle instead of a romantic afternoon in the park like from his daydream earlier ago.

    His face was beginning to tighten up again but he didn't seem to care. He unconsciously started to gaze into her deep sea-green eyes, pulling him gently into them. He could feel himself descending into the ocean-like abyss of her soul. The feeling of tranquility washed over him, motionless. All he could see right then were the soft glowing colors of the ocean that flowed around him. He tried to comprehend what this feeling may be-something soothing like the sound of waves and peaceful like the summer breeze. Just pure bliss…

    "Begin!" Hissed the ghostly referee.

    The voice shocked him awake from the trance but the illusion was still there. He felt himself drowning as he gasped for air. Quickly grabbing his pokéball, he threw it desperately forward which shattered the illusion and landed onto the nearest floating square pad. It was too late; the young mermaid's mesmerizing beauty allowed her to draw out her pokémon before he did, Corsola.

    The pink coral Pokémon cheered as it came out infused with the spirit of its illustrious trainer.

    He felt tricked. The oceanic illusion he saw was something he never experienced before. All his senses were dulled when in that trance as he succumbed to it. He could still feel himself gasping from the near-drowned shock. At first he believed she somehow used her charms to mesmerize him purposely. However, he knew this was impossible; his façade was peerless and she didn't notice his heightened breathing. Now was not the time to think about it further as he already lost the starting advantage.

    Seconds became hours in his impatience. His penguin companion at last emerged and gave a war cry. Empoleon was ready to fight and it made sure to tell him that.

    He was already behind and had to get the advantage back.

    "Empoleon, Hydro Pump!" He shouted instinctively.

    The regal penguin arched back his head and flung it forward unleashing a highly pressurized stream of water from its mouth toward Corsola.

    Kasumi's patient smile was gone as it was replaced with one of facetiousness.

    The coral pokémon stood still with a look of anticipation.

    It dawned on him that he made a fatal mistake. He was too concerned with being a step ahead of Kasumi this entire battle beginning with the pokémon toss. The illusion had stunned him leaving him to feel behind. His retort was to attack immediately without assessing the environment and Corsola itself. If he had done that then he wouldn't have fallen for such an obvious trap.

    No wonder she looked at him with such a disappointed face.

    "Mirror Coat," Sighed Kasumi.

    Corsola held its ground and took the water barrage head on as its body begun to glow a series of colors.

    He knew this was the trap waiting for him and it would be too late to react. Gripping his fist he prepared for the worse and how to counterattack.

    In the blink of an eye, Empoleon's Hydro Pump was shot back at such a ferocious speed and power he nearly didn't see what had happened. The power and speed from the reflection splashed water in the air causing a miniature form of rain around him. Looking up he saw Empoleon flung in the air from the powered up Hydro Pump. Mirror Coat doubled back the damage the Corsola took which was large due to Corsola being part Rock type. Empoleon was in trouble.

    Kasumi thrust her arm forward excitedly for the plan she was unraveling in mind. The attention she originally had for him was gone and now focused on trying to finish her combination attack. This made him bitter.

    "Takedown!"

    Corsola leaped nimbly across the floating pads and into the air toward Empoleon.

    There was little time to react to the deadly combo that was coming in play.

    "Empoleon, use Agility, hurry!" He shouted.

    It was becoming difficult to keep his façade now but he kept the cool in his voice.

    At this time Empoleon was at the peak of his ascent from the Mirror Coat Hydro Pump. It was arched back just enough for him to see its eyes that opened at his command. It shifted in place in the air.

    Corsola was over Empoleon as it continued to shift in place.

    "Do it, Corsola!" Cheered Kasumi confidently.

    Because Empoleon was in the air, it was difficult to shift in large amounts of space to avoid an attack. The hope he had was gone as Corsola struck down with its body against Empoleon's stomach. There was great force in the Takedown as he felt a gust of wind emerge from it just before Empoleon gave a large splash into the pool. The splash was powerful enough to cause the entire pool to create several large ripples in the forms of waves. Corsola landed back on the floating pad it was on before and gave a cheer.

    "That's the way, Corsola!" Kasumi thrust her arm in the air victoriously.

    He began to feel tightness in his stomach as if a foot was pressed against it. Looking at Kasumi he envisioned her growing larger and everything else around them disappearing into darkness. She continued to grow to a giant size with her hands on her hips and her torso thrust forward defiantly as she did outside the gym previously. He wasn't afraid of her or of not winning, he was afraid of not gaining a high impression from her.

    Closing his eyes he begun to think; he didn't want to risk getting entranced by looking at her again. Corsola had only taken one direct hit and Empoleon had taken a lot of damage and was on the verge of defeat.

    Empoleon on the verge of defeat…

    Opening his eyes he saw probably 1/5 of the pool's water was gone from Empoleon's splash. The ripples were moving the floating pads all about like a fishing boat in a storm. Corsola was still sitting on the one it had stood on previously. Empoleon was likely still descending underwater from the Takedown.

    Ripples making waves…

    Verge of defeat… waves…

    It instantly came to him: Torrent was active.

    "Empoleon, use Surf!"

    There was a glow in the water from where Empoleon landed. The ripples were increasing in fury and Corsola was barely able to stay put on the floating pad.

    "What—what is going on?" Asked a surprised Kasumi looking down into the pool.

    The ripples were now receding toward him causing the water to rise on his side of the pool, while Kasumi's side kept losing water. Emerging slowly was the yellow trident crown that was Empoleon's head as the rest of its body rose over the growing wave. Its body had a blue aura around him from Torrent being active.

    He had to move to the side as the wave was blocking his view. Corsola's side of the pool was now had no water. Both it and Kasumi had looks of panic. Their fears were reasonable as the Torrent-boosted Surf created a wave that was 10 feet above his own head. Since the pool itself was also 10 feet deep, the wave was 20 feet to Corsola.

    Raising his arms up with the wave, he laughed. This was his chance to gain the attention again.

    "Empoleon! Show them the true art of manipulating water!" He shouted explosively while thrusting his arms down imitating the wave.

    "Spike Cannon, Corsola! Knock Empoleon off the wave!" Shouted Kasumi.

    He didn't anticipate this kind of response. Corsola had nowhere to go with the wave coming down and yet Kasumi had a quick reaction to it. There was no way he was going to let his guard down again.

    Corsola fired sharp projectiles from the coral portions of its body toward Empoleon who was still riding the wave.

    "Empoleon, defend and endure the attack! Don't lose control of the wave!" He called out.

    Projectiles hit Empoleon as it blocked with its flippers. The spikes bounced off but were coming viciously from the desperate Corsola.

    "Emp…!" Empoleon was enduring as much as it could but got thrown off backwards splashing into the wave.

    The desperate maneuver by Corsola was for naught however. Surf's wave was breaking apart without Empoleon to control it but it was still coming down.

    "Mirror Coat!" Kasumi's voice was of desperation. If Corsola somehow withstood the wave then Empoleon had no chance.

    The Torrent powered Surf crashed down onto Corsola with tremendous force. Water splashed all around them including the bleachers causing the sister trio to gasp from getting their dresses wet.

    Looking down he checked to see where both the pokémon were as did Kasumi. 2/5 of the pool was gone now.

    "Corsola!" Called out a worried Kasumi.

    The pool was calming down. The floatation pad near him had Empoleon on it but he was breathing deeply while balancing himself with his flippers. Corsola was floating on its back unconscious.

    Edwin raised both the flags upwards.

    "Corsola is unable to battle! The victory goes to Empo—" Edwin begun to point toward him but stopped as Empoleon passed out on top of the floatation pad.

    He couldn't believe Corsola was able to knock out Empoleon too.

    "Empoleon is unable to battle! It is currently a tie. Both the challenger and the gym leader have one pokémon left. The winner will be decided on whoever is unable to battle." Hissed Edwin.

    Kasumi recalled Corsola and said something with a sympathetic smile to the pokéball.

    "Great job, Empoleon. Don't you worry, we will finish this." He said confidently.

    Kasumi looked to him as she held Corsola's pokéball near her chest. Her eyes pierced his soul leaving him in a chilled state. She entered his soul this time. Unlike when he entered hers through an invitation and was blissful, hers was invasive and she had a strong desire for revenge. He could see the sea green eyes now red with a crimson fire raging. The attention was back on him.

    Goosebumps, he shivered and savored it with a smile.

    She will be his.

    End of Act 2

  3. #3
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    Jun 2004
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    Bit of a quicky quick review. That isn't to say I didn't enjoy it, but I don't feel like being super nitpicky today. =P

    Some stuff I did catch, though:

    The power and speed from the reflection splashed water in the air causing a miniature form of rain around him.
    This is a bit confusing since it sounds like the reflection ... splashed ... water (ya rly, I just repeated what you said). Try inserting a hyphen between "reflection" and "splashed."

    Mirror Coat doubled back the damage the Corsola took which was large due to Corsola being part Rock type.
    Largely.

    It was arched back just enough for him to see its eyes that opened at his command.
    Not so much an error but I feel

    It was arched back just enough for him to see its eyes open at his command.

    has more clarity without the "that."

    "Hey, are you alright?" Spoke a voice.
    Quicky dialogue lesson. When the speech tag before the dialogue (things like "he said," "she spoke," "the man exclaimed," "they yelled," "I asked," "the trainer argued" and so on) explains how the piece of dialogue is said, the dialogue and the speech tag should be connected with a comma and the speech tag should be lower cased. (If the dialogue ends with a question mark or exclamation point, there's no need for the comma, but the speech tag should be lower case still.) So the above example should actually be

    "Hey, are you alright?" spoke a voice.

    Think of it this way. By capitalizing "Spoke a voice", you're making it its own sentence. If you read it by itself, you can tell the sentence is incomplete. (Likewise, if the sentence before or after the dialogue isn't related to how the dialogue was said, both should be treated as their own sentence.)

    Quick examples of how to punctuate in dialogue:

    • "Hey," he said.
    • He said, "Hey."
    • "What's up?" the trainer asked.
    • "Shut up!" he yelled.
    • "Why?" Lisa asked.
    • "Hi." He waved at her.
    • "Um, hi. Do I know you?" She looked at him funny.
    • "We met at that one club a few weeks ago," he explained. "Don't you remember?"
    • She fidgeted with the pen in her hand. "No," she replied, "but I'm glad you remember me?"


    It's probably too early to judge, but I wouldn't consider your character an anti-hero than someone who is, well, human. He is more relatable to your readers because of his (current) struggle than if your main character managed to attract Kasumi's attention without having to really impress her. His thoughts so far aren't really lustful (again, prolly too early to judge), more romantic, and he knows he has to try and do something just to get Kasumi to see him in a favorable light. He isn't just trying to "claim" her or something. In a way, that makes him likable, his faults and errors, instead of someone who gets what he wants. He's, at least currently, endearing.

    Though maybe there will be an attitude "tweak" later. =P

    Either way, it's too early for me to give a good critique on your character. I'll be dropping in later once you do post more. Hopefully, you'll be able to balance out the less-than-desirable characteristics with a more human approach; often, anti hero fics spiral into an anti-Mary Sue death trap, mostly due to the author trying to shove how edgy and non-traditional their character is. But so far I think you're doing well with your character.

    As for the first two acts, they were enjoyable and easy to read. The battles were creative even with the use of a water type vs. a water type. Definitely wasn't back and forth. Glad there was tactic on both sides. I think you nailed down Kasumi (is there a reason why you're using the Japanese human names but not the pokemon ones?) pretty accurately. She's so fierceeee. I also like your portrayal of the sisters.

    The narrative is also nice. I like how your character seems to be doing a one-sided battle with Kasumi's facial expressions/eyes, and even without her knowing it, she seems like she's winning. =P But at least the kid is determined.

    I'm excited for the TR subplot. I'll be back. =P I also like the general idea of using a nameless character.

  4. #4

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Breezy View Post
    Bit of a quicky quick review. That isn't to say I didn't enjoy it, but I don't feel like being super nitpicky today. =P

    Some stuff I did catch, though:

    This is a bit confusing since it sounds like the reflection ... splashed ... water (ya rly, I just repeated what you said). Try inserting a hyphen between "reflection" and "splashed."

    Largely.

    Not so much an error but I feel

    It was arched back just enough for him to see its eyes open at his command.

    has more clarity without the "that."
    Thanks for those fixes, I always do apperciate any grammar correction as being taught here in good ol' Georgia didn't leave me with much. Not sure if I am allowed to edit my posts with the corrections but I'll be sure to do it in my document files.

    Quicky dialogue lesson. When the speech tag before the dialogue (things like "he said," "she spoke," "the man exclaimed," "they yelled," "I asked," "the trainer argued" and so on) explains how the piece of dialogue is said, the dialogue and the speech tag should be connected with a comma and the speech tag should be lower cased. (If the dialogue ends with a question mark or exclamation point, there's no need for the comma, but the speech tag should be lower case still.) So the above example should actually be

    "Hey, are you alright?" spoke a voice.

    Think of it this way. By capitalizing "Spoke a voice", you're making it its own sentence. If you read it by itself, you can tell the sentence is incomplete. (Likewise, if the sentence before or after the dialogue isn't related to how the dialogue was said, both should be treated as their own sentence.)

    Quick examples of how to punctuate in dialogue:

    • "Hey," he said.
    • He said, "Hey."
    • "What's up?" the trainer asked.
    • "Shut up!" he yelled.
    • "Why?" Lisa asked.
    • "Hi." He waved at her.
    • "Um, hi. Do I know you?" She looked at him funny.
    • "We met at that one club a few weeks ago," he explained. "Don't you remember?"
    • She fidgeted with the pen in her hand. "No," she replied, "but I'm glad you remember me?"

    Well, that's pretty embarrassing of me! Glad you commented on it without attacking me on such a silly error I've been doing for years. I do apperciate it and will go back and fix those for the future acts I have.


    It's probably too early to judge, but I wouldn't consider your character an anti-hero than someone who is, well, human. He is more relatable to your readers because of his (current) struggle than if your main character managed to attract Kasumi's attention without having to really impress her. His thoughts so far aren't really lustful (again, prolly too early to judge), more romantic, and he knows he has to try and do something just to get Kasumi to see him in a favorable light. He isn't just trying to "claim" her or something. In a way, that makes him likable, his faults and errors, instead of someone who gets what he wants. He's, at least currently, endearing.

    Though maybe there will be an attitude "tweak" later. =P

    Either way, it's too early for me to give a good critique on your character. I'll be dropping in later once you do post more. Hopefully, you'll be able to balance out the less-than-desirable characteristics with a more human approach; often, anti hero fics spiral into an anti-Mary Sue death trap, mostly due to the author trying to shove how edgy and non-traditional their character is. But so far I think you're doing well with your character.
    Thanks for the comment on the nameless character. I had to trend carefully with him without borderlining anything that could be exaggerated or put me in trouble of posting.
    Had two friends read future acts and they felt his character was a bit more fleshed out the way I wanted so I hope the same can be said for others who may read it. Can understand his introduction wasn't very well defined.


    As for the first two acts, they were enjoyable and easy to read. The battles were creative even with the use of a water type vs. a water type. Definitely wasn't back and forth. Glad there was tactic on both sides. I think you nailed down Kasumi (is there a reason why you're using the Japanese human names but not the pokemon ones?) pretty accurately. She's so fierceeee. I also like your portrayal of the sisters.

    The narrative is also nice. I like how your character seems to be doing a one-sided battle with Kasumi's facial expressions/eyes, and even without her knowing it, she seems like she's winning. =P But at least the kid is determined.
    Thanks, I felt proud about the way I did the battles (one of the few things I can feel good about) and hope you may enjoy the future ones to come especially the second part of this gym match. Was a bit worried the way I handled the "mental" battles going on with nameless toward Kasumi since it was a shot in the dark. Those parts took the longest for me to write and redo constantly.

    Oh dear, I seem to have overlooked how some english names weren't the same in japanese. I'll have to edit those in the future acts (again, not sure if I am allowed to edit the previous ones already posted)


    I'm excited for the TR subplot. I'll be back. =P I also like the general idea of using a nameless character.
    Haha well hopefully it'll be to your liking!

    While I've used the nameless character style in previous writing before, I employed it here to give a lesser human feel towards him similar to giving a person a number instead of a name. At the same time it can go with his deceptive nature. It may not work out the way I intend but we'll see.

    I have the next two acts already done (and draft for Act 5 done) but only wanted to post the first two first just to see how they stand and any major errors I had to fix. Good thing too as there was a bit of silly mistakes I need to fix.

  5. #5

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    Author notes
    * Changed pokémon names to their original Japanese (ex: Ditto --> Metamon)
    * Some lustful imagery is present this chapter
    * A fairly strong lust allusion is present near the end; had considered to remove it but felt it was necessary and it wasn't very obvious to notice the level of it


    ~Nameless Supplanter~

    Act 3


    "Begin!" hissed the ghostly referee, Edwin, as he raised both flags signaling the next round.

    Neither he nor the gym leader budged, both seemingly ignoring the referee. Kasumi held her pokéball tightly in hand, glaring unblinkingly at him, the result of the dramatic tied round just prior.

    He was slightly intimidated by her glare but the anxiety was overwhelmed by the love of the attention he was getting. While this was the last round and it would determine the victor, he knew he would win because it was impossible to imagine the possibility of losing at this stage; the stakes were too high. Even with this in mind, he shivered slightly, the goosebumps electrified across his arms and legs arousing him greatly to the point of ecstasy.

    This attention, he wanted more, much more than that.

    He walked toward the edge of the pool resisting his rising impatience to dash and secure victory as soon as possible. Reaching into his jacket he felt the necklace and tapped it gently.

    "Showtime." he whispered.

    The cold metal feeling of the necklace was replaced by a soft squishy sensation. He slid his arm out of his jacket with his imposter pokémon, a Metamon. Their ruse was about to begin.

    "Oh wow a Metamon!" exclaimed one of the sisters.

    "Metamon!" it called out.

    The three older sisters swooned at Metamon's voice.

    "How cute!" they shouted.

    Kasumi's hardened stance stood firm unfazed by the Metamon.

    He misjudged Kasumi not reacting the same way as her sisters. In some ways he was glad for it because he loved the attention. Keeping the ruse believable was most important.

    He tossed Metamon upward into the air and it landed gently onto the nearby pool platform. It gave another battle cry causing the older sisters to clap their hands in glee.

    "Get serious you three, this is a gym battle!" snapped Kasumi.

    "So sorry, little sister!" giggled Sakura playfully.

    Ignoring her, Kasumi tossed out her pokéball with a sense of seriousness.

    "Let's finish this, Starmie!"

    Emerging onto the pool platform near Kasumi was the purple jeweled star shaped pokémon, Starmie.

    "Hyah!" it called out.

    He was thankful at the sight of Starmie, a pokémon he was well rehearsed of. Nevertheless, he had to keep his caution after having tied last round.

    Metamon jumped into the water after having seen its opponent. The area it fell into begun to glow white for a moment. When the glow dissipated a second Starmie leapt out of the water and onto the platform.

    "Hyah!" it mimicked.

    Kasumi had an intrigued look from the sight of the imitation Starmie.

    "Very convincing transformation, I'm impressed!" she praised.

    His face began to harden from blushing. It would be the first time she had praised him in such a manner. In the back of his mind he imagined clasping his face with both hands and rubbing the throbbing sensation in his cheeks. Oh how desperately he wanted to do it in reality or, better yet, her caressing his reddening face instead. It was almost shameful how easily he was moved by her praising.

    <The first of many to come.>

    He laughed giddily in silence.

    "But—" Her praising voice changed to a threatening tone.

    "—can your Imposter Starmie beat my real one?"

    This new tone felt like a punch in his stomach, nearly stumbling over from the shock and embarrassment. The daydream he was having was shattered, once more by Kasumi. He was upset, not at her but at the loss of the heavenly feeling of blood rushing to his face before he could savor it more. If he could win then he'd get it back from her newfound praise.

    <Yes, I'll win…>

    "I hope you'll go easy on me, certainly I am at a disadvantage as your Starmie is likely better trained than mine." He faked an embarrassed laugh, an attempt to keep his ruse.

    <…and I will get it!>

    Kasumi lifted an eye brow, causing alarm in him.

    <She doesn't believe me.>

    "Don't think I forgot your performance in the last round. I won't drop my guard that easily this time." she boasted.

    This was dangerous. If Kasumi saw through his innocence persona then she could see his true side, a side he had great pleasure yet shame in. It felt as if his mask was broken revealing his identity. He needed to desperately cover his face away from the preying eyes around him.

    "Thunderbolt!" he pointed and shouted impulsively, an attempt to dispel any notions of his true identity's nature.

    Imposter Starmie immediately leapt up into the air and begun to rotate its double-star shaped body in opposite directions to create friction.

    Surprised, likely from Imposter Starmie capable of using moves hers didn't, Kasumi too pointed forward and shouted.

    "Hydro Pump!"

    Starmie fired a jet stream of water from its top star tip toward the spinning Imposter Starmie. Imposter Starmie had already created enough friction in its spin and fired the mass of electricity down at its double. The Hydro Pump partially missed and grazed Imposter Starmie as Thunderbolt hit its mark. Starmie took the super effective attack directly and groaned on the platform where it stood, sparks of electricity discharging across it.

    "H—yah…"

    He was fired up from the advantageous assault and was about to continue until he saw Kasumi's expression. He had half expected her face to be one of disbelief or fear but instead it was one of revelation, as if she had figured something out.

    Nevertheless, he quickly shook away his hesitance and continued the attack.

    "Thunderbolt once more!" he shouted.

    Imposter Starmie leapt again into the air but stopped the attack when Kasumi's Starmie fell backwards into the water.

    At first he thought he had beaten Kasumi's Starmie. However, it wouldn't have made sense to him that he took down the water gym leader's pokémon from a single electrical attack.

    Starmie didn't resurface.

    Kasumi stared not at the pool but at him, waiting.

    He wasn't sure what she was up to. The water's conductibility would allow Thunderbolt to never miss. If Starmie was still capable of battle he figured she'd be watching the pool. Instead, her stare remained on him. It felt to him reminiscent to an old west showdown, waiting for the other to draw their weapon first.

    He couldn't wait any longer; the stare wasn't one of amorous which he greatly desired and would gain after his victory.

    "Metamon, Thunderbolt the po—"

    "Hydro Pump!" shouted Kasumi, interrupting his command.

    Imposter Starmie was beginning its spin to create friction but a blast of water emerged from the pool and struck it from behind, knocking it down onto a pool platform at the center of the pool.

    Shocked, he looked down at the water trying to figure out what had happened. There were movements in the water but it was difficult to pinpoint where exactly Kasumi's Starmie was after the sneak attack.

    He replayed the battle sequence in his mind speculating if Kasumi's Starmie was simply faster than his. In the first attack, his Thunderbolt hit but it was because he surprised her with a move hers didn't have. The Thunderbolt had hit her Starmie but not before the Hydro Pump had already grazed Imposter Starmie. In the second attack, the Thunderbolt was interrupted from a now cautious Kasumi.

    It suddenly came to him. Imposter Starmie's Thunderbolt required friction before being used. This gave time for Kasumi to counter attack before Thunderbolt was even fired.

    Looking up at Kasumi he saw that she had her arms crossed in the defiant manner similarly to the previous round during her advantage. She had read him like a book by being two steps ahead of him.

    She said nothing. That same stare that annoyed him persisted.

    He wouldn't have anyone make a fool him, not even his beloved. No, he would make sure this atrocity was paid back in full. Kasumi's prideful defiance would be crushed by his hand. This way, the praise would be much greater when he is victorious.

    Being a water type he could have Imposter Starmie endure the Hydro Pump first before attacking. The exchange of damage would be to his advantage. But first, he had to do a feint attack by having Imposter Starmie leap.

    "Metamon, leap up and—"

    Emerging from the water was Kasumi's Starmie whose tips were glowing white as it spun and struck Imposter Starmie from the side with Dive. Imposter Starmie got thrown into the water as Kasumi's Starmie sunk back in after it.

    "Metamon get out of there quick!" he shouted fearfully.

    Kasumi had figured out his plan again as did her Starmie. It had attacked without needing a command. This would have caused great irritation if it were not replaced by panic from seeing Imposter Starmie in the water.

    A Starmie quickly emerged from the water back onto the platform; he could tell it was his as it was breathing deeply from the damage it had taken.

    An overwhelming feeling of relief struck him. The last thing he wanted was his Metamon in the water even if it did transform into a Starmie. Kasumi must have known that as she continued having her Starmie in the pool waiting for another sneak attack when he gave a command. The pool, the gym, everything around him was hers, the water being the most advantageous. It would be foolhardy of him to think he can best her underwater just as much as it would be for a fish or even a mermaid to survive on land.

    <On land…>

    He looked at Kasumi's stare, thinking back on the story he was going to read before Kasumi and her sisters appeared when he was waiting on their arrival to the gym: "The Little Mermaid." He had read the story many times as it was a favorite of his. The mermaid could not survive on land and confront the prince with a fish tail; she needed legs to do so. Kasumi's affinity was water, just like a mermaid. The pool represented the ocean, the playground of a mermaid. If he took the ocean away then the mermaid is trapped.

    <Did you get that?>

    Imposter Starmie shook one of its tips slightly to signal that it heard him.

    "Excellent." He grinned darkly.

    Kasumi's stare showed signs of curiosity.

    Now was the time to move, his plan coming together in an instant.

    "Psychic!" he shouted.

    Imposter Starmie's body begun to glow a violet aura around itself.

    Kasumi's curiosity was dispelled as she sighed with relief.

    "You almost made me think you had a counter attack. It wouldn't be possible for your Starmie to know where mine is in the water to use Psychic on." She lifted her arms outward in a relaxed manner.

    Her comment tickled him inside with such strength it made him laugh out loud.

    "Oh? What's so funny?" asked an annoyed Kasumi.

    <You can't see it coming.>

    "You don't get it do you?" he began.

    <No where to hide.>

    "This pool, all of it, it is to your advantage. I cannot best you in the water." He was having great difficulty controlling himself. Victory was so close to him that he could already feel her breath against his neck in his mind.

    <Yes.>

    His leaned forward slightly, his arms out in front of him with his fingers curled. He could only keep his face straight, the rest of his body moving on its own in the ecstasy returning tenfold.

    "But! What if your advantage, the pool…" His voice rose in volume. He imagined her gazing up at him lovingly in his mind.

    <Yes!>

    Imposter Starmie's aura intensified.

    "…was taken away?" he said softly but with a threatening tone. The TVs in his mind were filling with images of her soft pearly lips nearing him as her embrace pressed her body against his.

    <YES!>

    The violet aura burst out of Imposter Starmie and surrounded the entire pool illuminating it in its color. The water rose from the pool in thin segments rapidly above Imposter Starmie in the shape of a large sphere. The platforms crashed to the bottom of the pool as it did the round previously.

    With a loud gasp Kasumi's eyes widened and her pupils dilated in horror of what just happened.

    "Starmie!" she ran to the pool's edge just as her Starmie fell from the rising pool onto the ground.

    Imposter Starmie held the pool of water above it similarly to Atlas holding the world on his back. The advantage of the mermaid was now his and she was at his mercy, her world belonged to him.

    "Now Metamon, use Surf to throw the water down at Starmie!" he yelled.

    "Oh, and as you're doing that—" He spread his arms to his side as far as he could and leaned back, his eyes wide opened at the coming victory.

    "—THUNDERBOLT IT!" he roared loudly.

    His composure was now shattered completely. He broke into rancorous laughter as Imposter Starmie threw itself into the middle of the colossal sphere of water that was now falling and filling it with such massive amounts of electricity so intense it caused the sisters to yell and shield their eyes.

    <You…>

    Streaks of water emerged from the bottom of the pool striking the meteor-like attack in vain unable to stop it. The cries of Kasumi to Starmie were buffeted by the droning crackling attack and his uncontrollable laughter.

    <…are…>

    The meteor of electricity and water slammed into the bottom of the pool with such an explosive deafening force that smoke shot out from the source of impact engulfing the entire gym in darkness.

    <…MINE!>

    End of Act 3

  6. #6
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    Jun 2004
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    In the back of his mind he imagined clasping his face with both hands and rubbing the throbbing sensation in his cheeks. Oh how desperately he wanted to do it in reality or, better yet, her caressing his reddening face instead.
    I'm a little confused about what he wants to do. You write he imagines rubbing his face, then say he wishes he could do that IRL, then write it's his face--

    OH IS THAT A DIRTY SPANKING JOKE? Lol. If it's not, um, I totally made it one.

    This was dangerous. If Kasumi saw through his innocence persona then she could see his true side, a side he had great pleasure yet shame in.
    "Innocent" instead of "innocence".

    "Thunderbolt!" he pointed and shouted impulsively, an attempt to dispel any notions of his true identity's nature.

    Imposter Starmie immediately leapt up into the air and begun to rotate its double-star shaped body in opposite directions to create friction.

    Surprised, likely from Imposter Starmie capable of using moves hers didn't, Kasumi too pointed forward and shouted.
    Actually, yeah, how does that work? Though I suppose ditto/metamon can be trained based off memory, so perhaps it's mimicking another starmie, like you said earlier.

    Yeah, I'm starting to ramble now. Moving on!

    The battle scenes were well written like before. Again, the detail and tactic behind them worked well together to create a more cohesive battle scene than the old "Here's an attack, now here's a description of the attack."

    Kasumi was portrayed beautifully as usual with her fiery spirit and not backing down until the very end. I'm glad she wasn't passive about the battle and illustrated to just take blows and not think for themselves.

    Try as I might, I cannot see the lusty allusion you are referring to in your note. I see more obsessive narrative than lusty imagery, actually. I am enjoying (I'm not sure if that's the right word) the slow transformation of your main character; his thoughts are certainly heading toward a darker route, at least in the sense of making Kasumi "his." The "You. Are. Mine" thoughts at the end was extremely powerful and fit the mood perfectly. In some ways, I wish you could have toned down your main character's ... "insanity" or at least made it more subtle. Sometimes it came off as kind of "cliche bad guy" esque:

    His composure was now shattered completely. He broke into rancorous laughter as Imposter Starmie threw itself into the middle of the colossal sphere of water that was now falling and filling it with such massive amounts of electricity so intense it caused the sisters to yell and shield their eyes.
    I was totally expecting a "bahaha" after this. XP But again, the transformation was executed quite well; it is definitely intriguing to compare your character from earlier, who had romantic imagery, to now where the imagery seems more possessive.

    Will be waiting for more! =)

  7. #7

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    Quote Originally Posted by Breezy View Post
    I'm a little confused about what he wants to do. You write he imagines rubbing his face, then say he wishes he could do that IRL, then write it's his face--
    I could've written this better but he was indeed imagining doing the action to himself but couldn't do so publically. Haha no it wasn't a spanking joke of any kind, it was just a strange attempt of me trying to have him enjoy this pain sensation in his face (of blushing) and wanting to rub it to intensify it more. Her doing it would've been even better. Again, I could've written that better or just removed it entirely.

    "Innocent" instead of "innocence".
    Ahh thanks for that whoops

    Actually, yeah, how does that work? Though I suppose ditto/metamon can be trained based off memory, so perhaps it's mimicking another starmie, like you said earlier.
    I don't think there ever was some specific rule regarding Ditto/Metamon in the show as compared to the games. Originally in the show, if I recall correctly, it could transform into whatever it wanted and use any move that one could use. Later, that wasn't the case (d/p later on in the series).
    Nevertheless, more regarding his Ditto/Metamon will be revealed of in the future.

    The battle scenes were well written like before. Again, the detail and tactic behind them worked well together to create a more cohesive battle scene than the old "Here's an attack, now here's a description of the attack."

    Kasumi was portrayed beautifully as usual with her fiery spirit and not backing down until the very end. I'm glad she wasn't passive about the battle and illustrated to just take blows and not think for themselves.
    I greatly apperciate again your praise. It is always a concern of mine if the battles seem short, as this may appear to be, with the amount of moves being executed even though it can last pages in length.
    Keeping Kasumi as close to her original was another concern and am glad thus far I am able to keep it at your satisfaction. In the future ahead it will be a bit trickier...

    Try as I might, I cannot see the lusty allusion you are referring to in your note. I see more obsessive narrative than lusty imagery, actually.
    Obsessive could be seen more than lusty I suppose as I have to always be cautious with the wording I use to not trend into something R rating. Most restrictions I read between PG-13 vs R don't seem to help me too well when it comes to lust imagery.
    The allusion in particular I would mention though I am not sure if it is safe to state here so I would probably have to mention in a pm. But as I stated it wouldn't be that easy to notice which is a good thing otherwise I would have had to remove it entirely.

    I am enjoying (I'm not sure if that's the right word) the slow transformation of your main character; his thoughts are certainly heading toward a darker route, at least in the sense of making Kasumi "his." The "You. Are. Mine" thoughts at the end was extremely powerful and fit the mood perfectly. In some ways, I wish you could have toned down your main character's ... "insanity" or at least made it more subtle. Sometimes it came off as kind of "cliche bad guy" esque:
    It was a rather quick descent into "insanity" when he lost his composure. I would've liked to have made it a slight more subtle but I didn't seem to have the writing skill to fix that. I had hoped that when he realized a way to turn the match around, get revenge on her for making him look like a fool, and "claim her" like a prize at last that he just lost it completely there (since he was close to his goal). He seemed to have tricked everyone with his innocent persona but not Kasumi, the first time he lost his "mask", and now did so again at the end.
    Of course, I shouldn't have to be saying all this and instead it should've been told in the writing if I had done it better ;; If you had a suggestion for making it a slight more subtle I am always open for suggestions.

    I was totally expecting a "bahaha" after this. XP But again, the transformation was executed quite well; it is definitely intriguing to compare your character from earlier, who had romantic imagery, to now where the imagery seems more possessive.

    Will be waiting for more! =)
    It did seem quite like an evil villian there but it felt so right to me for it to go with that "insanity" that just broke loose, his desires controlling his outside persona. I suppose that is why it is such a common element in evil villians even though he isn't one per say.

    Been going over the next act which was already done and edited as mentioned before in the past. A third concern to go with the list above is that I handle his persona to not shift too quickly one way and keeping it subtle in some areas and stronger in others. So far it seems to be doing "alright" from your overall comments thankfully. Hope to continue to do so!

    Oh how I wish my grammar was better...

  8. #8

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    Author notes:
    * Some blood but fairly minor
    * Personal interpretation of Wish and it's limitations may or may not follow what others believe


    ~Nameless Supplanter~

    Act 4


    <All mine!>

    The last thing keeping him from his victory and shielding his exposed identity was the smoke that began to clear slowly. While he could almost taste the ecstatic results he desired, he had to control his patience for what was to come.

    As the gym started to clear, he saw a single Starmie standing on the remains of a shattered platform. He had no doubt it was Imposter Starmie. The portions of the upper pool were broken into several pieces and its debris was either floating or underwater.

    Sighing deeply he regained his composure as the last of the smoke was dissipating. He had to bring back his charming side before the victorious announcement from Edwin.

    With the smoke gone there was a player missing from the battlefield, the second Starmie.

    Concern crossed his mind that Kasumi's Starmie was still hiding underwater and would attack again. He was considering his attack options but was suddenly interrupted by a loud gasp.

    "Starmie? Starmie?" Kasumi fearfully leaned toward the pool, unable to find her pokémon anywhere.

    Something snapped in his mind as he saw her expression and heard her tone. The composure he had regained was replaced by a sudden urge to vomit. He grasped his mouth and breathed deeply, unsure why this was happening. The fearful expression she expressed during his Imposter Starmie's final attack was different than it was now. This fear wasn't one of losing, it was something else entirely.

    He watched her as she continued to scan the entire pool for her Starmie to no avail. His eyes couldn't be diverted away from hers; the fearful expression still unknown to him. He tried to turn away but his body wouldn't let him. It was as if someone was forcefully holding his head preventing it from turning.

    Kasumi bent her legs slightly as if she was about to jump into the pool. Before she could dive in, Edwin shouted to her, in a commanding hiss.

    "Stop! If either the challenger or the gym leader enters the arena then the guilty party automatically forfeits the battle. The battle doesn't end until the visible pokémon is no longer able to battle."

    Kasumi looked up at Edwin with the same fearful expression.

    "How could you say that? We don't know what happened to Starmie!" Shouted Kasumi, her hands gripped tightly against each other pressing on her chest.

    <Kasumi…>

    He was hypoventilating with such force to keep down his stomach contents. Everything was spinning in his vision except Kasumi who stood at the center of it. Anger was intensifying from the frustration of not knowing what was happening. He had to do something, anything, to make it all stop. If only he could have it the way it was before; where only himself and the battle mattered. That praise he nearly had was taken away by that Starmie and was replaced with this sickening nausea. He wasn't sure if the nausea was because of his plans falling apart or another reason. The unknown wasn't something he enjoyed as he was used to always holding the cards from the beginning.

    <This is all your fault!>

    Starmie's determination to not reappear was taunting him. He wouldn't let the creature take away what was nearly his, Kasumi. If he couldn't gain praise from victory, he would get it from saving Starmie even if it was faking it. At least, from throwing the battle, it would show he sacrificed his clear victory for the sake of concern for Kasumi's Starmie.

    He saw Kasumi about to jump into the pool but he beat her to it. Immersed underwater, he looked around carefully and saw much debris at the bottom of the pool, consisting of the shattered platforms and portions of the pool itself. There was no Starmie to be seen. The image of Kasumi's fearful expression looped in his head making him sick to his stomach again. There was now a greater determination to find Starmie in hopes of ridding himself of that image and dream about the selfless praise he'd obtain soon. Unfortunately, there was so much debris he wasn't sure where to begin. He swam around the bottom of the pool looking at the various piles of shattered marble around him.

    <Where are you?>

    He felt a tug and turned around only to notice no one was there. However, he did notice a small mist of blood emerging from under a large slab of marble in front of him. Hastefully, he swam to the slab and began to lift but it barely budged. The images of Kasumi's tearful face reappeared in his mind. Groaning confidently he lifted harder, using his whole body the best he could underwater. He exhaled a good portion of his air as the slab turned over revealing the injured Starmie. With great care he swam back up to the surface with Starmie in his arms.

    Resurfacing made him realize just how badly he needed the air but he had little time to enjoy it as he and Starmie were lifted up by Imposter Starmie's Psychic. They were placed back where he was standing earlier. He looked down at Starmie's condition carefully ignoring the gathering of everyone around him. There were several electrical burns throughout its body including a deep cut on one of its tips. The center gem piece was cracked with a portion of it missing. Its breathing was also slow.

    There were voices amongst him but they were dull; his attention was immediately focused solely on Starmie's perilous condition. He looked towards his Imposter Starmie beside him and before he could tell it what to do it already jumped into the pool then reappeared as a Togekiss.

    "Quickly now, keep it stabilized as I work." He reached into his bag that he dropped before jumping into the pool earlier. He removed the book he was reading before meeting the four sisters and pulled out a small first-aid kit. As he did this, Togekiss was already giving off a blue aura around itself and onto Starmie, causing it to breathe normally.

    "Good! Keep using Wish while I treat what I can."

    He looked up at Kasumi just enough to see her waist; he didn't want to look at her eyes for some reason. He handed her a clean rag from the first-aid kit.

    "Wrap this around the gash and keep pressure on it until I say." He didn't wait for an answer nor could he from the sounds dulling like he was still underwater.

    There was a dark blue potion labeled "Custom" surrounded by spools of bandages. He took the potion out, sprayed the burned areas and bandaged them afterwards. The burns were of little concern to him in relation to the gash and the shattered gem.

    "Did the bleeding stop?" He looked at the blood stained rag in Kasumi's hands still pressed against Starmie's wound. If she had answered, he couldn't hear it.

    "Lift it up and let me see."

    Hesitantly, Kasumi moved away from Starmie revealing the wound. The pressure and constant Wish, which Togekiss was continuing to do, must have halted the bleeding.

    <Ok.>

    He sprayed the wound with the potion and wrapped it tighter than the burned areas to keep pressure on it in case the clot opened up. There was little more he could do but get it to a Pokémon Center.

    "I've done the best I can; we need to get to the Pokémon Center as soon as possible." He said. The tone in his voice felt calm but focused on the dire matter at hand. It seemed easier than usual for him to speak this way in this new façade.

    "Yo let me help you with that!" Shouted a familiar voice. The first audible voice was one that made him feel uneasy.

    Emerging from behind everyone was the blue haired boy from earlier that day, one of the last people he wanted to see right then. Standing beside him was a darker skinned young man with a large collar covering his mouth.

    "I've got a ride outback that we can use to get there but I have to say, that was an incredible match man! I knew there was something interesting about you so my friend here and I came to watch-"

    "This isn't the proper time." Said the darker skinned man.

    "Oh, right sorry, let's go!" Shouted the embarrassed boy with blue hair.

    He hesitated for a moment. The thought of sharing the praise because of additional help wasn't something he wanted. However, Starmie's condition was worse than he originally thought. There was also the issue of he wasn't sure where the Pokémon Center was. He nodded at him and turned slightly, not wanting to look at Kasumi's face.

    "Call Starmie back into its pokéball."

    There were some dull voices speaking followed by a red light appearing over Starmie from the pokéball. The red light flickered and disappeared.

    "What? What happened?" He turned to snatch the pokéball from Kasumi's hands without looking at her and tried to recall Starmie but nothing happened.

    He wasn't sure what was going on. The pokéball refused to activate.

    "That final move, the electrical discharge, must have affected the pokéballs somehow." Said the darker skinned man.

    One thing after another, disrupting his plans was annoying him but Starmie's health was the priority right now. If it died his plans would be ruined. Not only would he lose any chance to salvage praise he would also be the guilty party for Starmie's death, making any chance at winning Kasumi over impossible. He knew he was a lot of things but a murderer wasn't one of them.

    He nodded and lifted Starmie on his back, which was heavier than he thought. As he lifted up Starmie, he thought he heard Kasumi speak to him but ignored it.

    "You said you had a ride didn't you?" He asked sternly to the boy.

    With that, they made their way out of the gym. As he was following the duo, he noticed Edwin stepping down from where he stood during the match, looking at the pool water thinking Starmie never surfaced yet.

    Emerging outside the gym, he found the duo standing beside an old military motorcycle with a sidecar.

    "Fastest thing on two, well, four wheels! I'll drive you to the Pokémon Center which is only about a mile away." Said the blue haired boy.

    Seeing the old relic made him question what could have made it so fast or even functional.

    The boy turned to face his darker skinned accomplice.

    "Oh, sorry V, I'll come get you when we get back!"

    He sat in the small sidecar attached to the motorcycle with Starmie sitting on his lap, covering most of his view. Someone was calling to him from behind and he knew it was Kasumi but continued to ignore it.

    "Let's get going!" He shouted to the boy with blue hair.

    "Hang on, here!" The boy put a helmet on both their heads.

    "No sense in both of us winding up on the hospital beds next to Starmie too. Alright, time to break a few traffic laws!"

    The old motorcycle gave a strong start nearly tossing him off. He couldn't see what was ahead of him but saw his Togekiss flying above them.

    "Togekiss, keep using Wish until we get there!"

    The blue aura continued to surround Starmie's body. He could feel the slow breathing return to normal again.

    "Come on we need to go faster!" He shouted.

    The boy laughed.

    "Well, to be fair, I've ran three red lights already."

    Before he could say something, the motorcycle jolted to a stop.

    "Damn!" The boy shouted.

    "What, what's going on?" He still couldn't see what was ahead of him.

    "There is a large amount of traffic here, I think it's some type of burst water main and it's slowing down the cars. We're stuck!"

    Sirens were heard coming from behind him.

    "And—we have the police on our tail now. I don't think they took kindly to my red light running." Laughed the boy.

    There was no way he was going to be impeded by traffic or Officer Jenny right now. He scrambled to get out of the sidecar and lifted Starmie on his back, only to remember how heavy it was, and dashed down the road.

    "Yo what are you doing, you're bailing on me? If we explain to Officer Jenny—"

    "There's no time for that!" He shouted as he continued his run between the cars.

    Togekiss was still nearby. He considered having it transform to help carry Starmie but remembered its condition and needing Wish support, whose breathing slowed rapidly when Wish wasn't active. It wasn't possible for it to carry Starmie and use Wish simultaneously.

    "Keep up the Wish and let's make our way to the Pokémon Center!" He shouted as he got off the road and onto the sidewalk.

    A sign nearby pointed forward stating the Pokémon Center was seven blocks away. It was getting dark and he couldn't tell its exact location from where he was.

    After a block, he saw another sign before a park entrance stating to turn right; the very same park where he saw Kasumi the first time. In the distance on a small hill was what he believed to be the Pokémon Center. He figured the park would be a shortcut to save time.

    "Alright, let's go!"

    As soon as he took his first step into the park, he heard a loud slam behind him. Turning around he saw the gates had closed. It made no sense to him why as the sign on it stated the park was open until 11 P.M. He didn't have time to ponder it further and proceeded to face forward again only to notice a Yukimenoko standing a few meters away staring at him.

    <A stray?>

    The Yukimenoko shot a blue beam at him, freezing the gate entrance behind him in a block of ice.

    He couldn't tell if the Yukimenoko was playing with him or attacking him.

    "Look, Yukimenoko, I don't have time to play, I have to get to the Pokémon Center—"

    Another beam of ice shot towards him but was halted by a yellow barrier around him. Togekiss appeared in front of him, the one who created the Light Screen.

    Starmie's breathing was slowing down once more.

    "Stop! Togekiss! You can't battle right now! You have to keep using Wish to stabilize Starmie!"

    Togekiss called back arguably but he shouted back.

    "That's an order! Do you hear me? I'll be damned if I have Starmie's blood on my hands!"

    The images of Kasumi's fearful face reappeared. He remembered how horrible the feeling was to see that. If Starmie died—no—not even he could nor wanted to imagine Kasumi's expression from that.

    "Togekiss, you will disregard anything else I say no matter what-"

    Kasumi's tearful choking voice echoed in his head. It tore him up inside. The horrible nausea pain from before would be minuscule compared to what it would be if he failed. He didn't want pain, he wanted praise; the same praise that would eventually turn into desire.

    "-you will keep using Wish and protect Starmie and only Starmie!" He yelled loudly as he dashed forward towards Yukimenoko who fired continuous Ice Beams at him.

    End of Act 4

  9. #9
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    Something snapped in his mind as he saw her expression and heard her tone. The composure he had regained was replaced by a sudden urge to vomit. He grasped his mouth and breathed deeply, unsure why this was happening. The fearful expression she expressed during his Imposter Starmie's final attack was different than it was now. This fear wasn't one of losing, it was something else entirely.
    I like the emotional switch from reality to ... *scrolls* "insanity" back to reality. I've always liked the gems of humanity squeezing their way through your main character's persona. It feels very ... raw, but in a good way. The following paragraph is lovely too because while you can tell he feels "bad", he's not really sure why. Him being so panicky is kind of making me panicky. =P

    Anyway, I really like the series of events that took place here, from the main character kind of begrudging to save Kasumi's Starmie just so he would look good, to saving Kasumi's Starmie because he wanted the image of Kasumi's fearful face disappearing from his memory, to what actually appeared to be genuine concern for the Starmie to the point that your main character actually ignored Kasumi when she spoke. I like the tie back to Kasumi when Togekiss wanted to battle the Yukimenoko but his trainer ordered him not to so he could keep healing Starmie. I am wondering about that one boy now and if he plays a part later in this story or if it was just for that one part. Either way, he was a nice contrast against your main character. I do like your characters, by the way (Idk if I said that before, but just in case ...). Even the minor ones have quirks and personalities that make the story so much more interesting to read.

    Super interested in why that Yukimenoko is there and trying to stop him. Seems so random.

    My only real critique this time around is that this chapter was a little dialogue heavy near the end but understandably so. There was a lot of fast-paced action going on that I don't think your main character would have time/want to process what's going on.

    I'm excited for the next act! =)

  10. #10

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    Quote Originally Posted by Breezy View Post
    I like the emotional switch from reality to ... *scrolls* "insanity" back to reality. I've always liked the gems of humanity squeezing their way through your main character's persona. It feels very ... raw, but in a good way. The following paragraph is lovely too because while you can tell he feels "bad", he's not really sure why. Him being so panicky is kind of making me panicky. =P
    Humility of any kind is indeed rare for him making those little moments special but also confusing for him XD

    Anyway, I really like the series of events that took place here, from the main character kind of begrudging to save Kasumi's Starmie just so he would look good, to saving Kasumi's Starmie because he wanted the image of Kasumi's fearful face disappearing from his memory, to what actually appeared to be genuine concern for the Starmie to the point that your main character actually ignored Kasumi when she spoke.
    Much of his concern is placed on Kasumi's reaction depending on Starmie's fate. The image in his head of her fearful face was a motivator because he didn't know why he was thinking about it but wanted to get rid of it.
    Ignoring Kasumi speaking to him could be interpretted differently. In this case I wanted to give a feeling that he wasn't ready to confront her regarding what he did to Starmie right then until he could save it and look good for it (not to mention he was already trying to block out her fearful face in his mind). Of course, his focus was entirely on Starmie's health.

    I like the tie back to Kasumi when Togekiss wanted to battle the Yukimenoko but his trainer ordered him not to so he could keep healing Starmie.
    Was a nice cliché build up for the end of the Act XD

    I am wondering about that one boy now and if he plays a part later in this story or if it was just for that one part. Either way, he was a nice contrast against your main character.
    Haha he won't be going away quite yet

    I do like your characters, by the way (Idk if I said that before, but just in case ...). Even the minor ones have quirks and personalities that make the story so much more interesting to read.
    Thanks I'm glad to hear that =)

    My only real critique this time around is that this chapter was a little dialogue heavy near the end but understandably so.
    I felt I may have rushed it a bit which can cause me to do more dialogue than necessary but seemed to turn out satisfactory to me for the build up of the end of the Act.

  11. #11

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    Author's notes:
    * I noticed after having finished written the Starmie arc that it lasted much longer than I intended. I apologize in advance for it's length and hope you can be patient with it.
    * Thanks again to Caoimhe for editing this beforehand



    ~Nameless Supplanter~

    Act 5


    From behind, white and blue beams shot past him, shrouding the trees in a coat of ice. The air, much colder from the now frozen forest, was causing his paced breathing to become difficult. However, Yukimenoko's Ice Beams were rhythmic, giving him time to turn to see where they were coming from and dodge when necessary.

    He became paranoid, thinking someone was out to get him. His gym battle victory plan failed, his plan to save Starmie was now in critical condition, and a random pokémon was attacking him, rendering him unable to fight back.

    <Piss off!>

    He had nothing to gain from this annoying wild pokémon pestering him. Togekiss's Wish was too important and he continuously needed it to remain on Starmie. Enperuto was too injured to assist after the gym battle and there was the chance that its pokéball would not work.

    More Ice Beams came towards him. He was running out of trees to use as shields and was exhausted. Fueled by adrenaline or not, traveling with a 170 pound pokémon on his back wasn't an easy ordeal; he needed a rest.

    Through the trees, he saw an open gate in which he could escape from the park. A glimmer of hope gave him the strength he needed to run faster and he exited onto the street, hoping the Yukimenoko wouldn't follow.

    A rogue Ice Beam flew over him and hit the gate, freezing it into a block of ice similar to when he first entered the park. Yukimenoko must have anticipated his plan and impeded his way out.

    <No!>

    He stopped and turned to face the Yukimenoko who had ceased using Ice Beam. It hovered a few meters away from him.

    "Yukimenoko." it said solemnly.

    Gritting his teeth at the situation he yelled back at the pokémon.

    "What is it you want? Why do you attack me?"

    Yukimenoko looked at him like it had no idea what he was talking about.

    Forgetting about the current situation he recognized a metal bench near the Yukimenoko where he had been sitting earlier that day.

    "This is—where Kasumi stood." he said to himself quietly as he looked down at his feet, remembering her beauty.

    He faced the frozen gate for a moment and turned back to Yukimenoko.

    "Kasumi left through that gate. Now, it's frozen."

    A sudden rush of rage swept through him. He felt that the Yukimenoko was mocking. The frozen gate was not there to prevent his escape but rather to show him his stubborn, self-proclaimed destiny of Kasumi. He could not leave the park as she did previously and follow into her world. Through Starmie's death, Yukimenoko would prove that point.

    "You think this is a joke?" he spat.

    "Yu-Yuki-Yukimenoko?" it asked.

    He was too upset to comprehend what it was saying.

    "I don't understand!" he said impatiently.

    Yukimenoko repeated its question.

    "Yukimenoko, Yuki?"

    <It isn't taking a hint.>

    "I don't understand I said! Go away!" he shouted to it.

    "Yuki-Yuuuuuuuuu!" Yukimenoko reared back preparing another Ice Beam.

    If he didn't do something quick he'd be frozen in the same spot where he first met Kasumi. He closed his eyes thinking of a way out, something, anything, but his bitter rage was clouding his mind. If he was stopped here Starmie would die. No wild pokémon was going to prevent him from his seeing his beauty smiling at him, praising him for all his sacrifices to get to the Pokémon Center.

    "Togekiss, don't interfere!" he shouted to his pokémon, keeping his eyes on Yukimenoko.

    "Let this weak pokémon try its hand at me!"

    This rage, he had to use it to his advantage.

    The Ice Beam fired at him. He didn't move. As it was about to connect he lifted his left arm from under Starmie to use as a shield, which rapidly began to freeze into a block of ice. He returned his arm under Starmie as it solidified in its frozen casing, leaving it immobile and numb.

    He laughed mockingly at the Yukimenoko.

    "Is that the best you got? Considering that you are a ghost and ice type Pokémon, you don't know any ghost type moves?"

    A very risky plan was formulating in his mind. He had to do what he did best, deceive.

    "I don't know who trained you but he must've been some rookie to not to have you learn some ghost type moves." he snickered.

    <Just a bit more.>

    "Wait, what am I saying? You probably don't even have a trainer. Who would want a Yukimenoko without ghost type moves?" he laughed mockingly again.

    Yukimenoko twitched its eyes, glaring at him angrily.

    "YUUUUUU!" it shouted as a black and purple crackling sphere formed in front of it.

    The Shadow Ball, now extremely large and immense resulting from Yukimenoko's anger, fired towards him. He wouldn't be able to dodge while cornered, leaving him with only one other alternative.

    With all the strength he could muster, he leapt backwards towards the frozen gate still holding Starmie, and landed directly in the Shadow Ball's path. It struck him dead center, sending him flying. The pain was bearable but he was prepared for what was to come next. He swung his airborne body around using Starmie as a rudder and faced the gate.

    The resulting pain was unfathomable. The shock to his body as it slammed into the block of ice left him near deaf and with blurred tunnel vision, on the verge of passing out. Time moved slowly leaving him with the sensation he was floating in the air gently through the shattered ice block, but he knew better. It was only a matter of time before his flight would come crashing down onto the pavement. In the near distance, only half a block away, he could see the blurred large neon "P" in front of a building.

    <So—close—but I—couldn't do it?>

    The pavement was growing closer, threatening to drain away the last of his consciousness and end his mission. Bits of the shattered ice block bounced softly with multiple echoes on the ground. He could feel his eyes closing and his body numbing as if wanting to escape the impending pain from the pavement and the thought of Kasumi's sadness and hatred toward his failure.

    <Damn...>

    Something soothing enveloped him. He opened his eyes expecting to see an angel that looked like Kasumi only to see he was still airborne but no longer near the pavement. A glow was surrounding him, the source of the warmth, which he recognized as Recover. Togekiss couldn't be responsible this, leaving only one other possibility.

    "Starmie, you're awake." he said softly behind him, still partially conscious.

    Starmie muttered weakly.

    It was the pokémon he once annihilated in the gym battle who saved him. Starmie, having learned Psychic, was using it to keep him from hitting the ground and also using Recover to heal him.

    "Enough!" he shouted bitterly. That guilt feeling was returning to him.

    "Put me down right now!"

    He refused to let Starmie use the last of its vital energy to save him, making the entire endeavor worthless.

    Starmie groaned and disabled Psychic as Recover finished.

    "Seriously what were you thinking? You could've died! Don't do something pointless again!" he shouted. While upset about Starmie endangering itself further, he was also glad that Recover had woken him from his near-faint experience.

    He looked back as he descended the pathway leading to the Pokémon Center entrance.

    <It carried me that half block and is still alive. Impressive, but stupid.>

    Inhaling deeply, with great effort, he focused on regaining control of his legs before they hit they hit the pavement.

    <It's right there—it's right there—IT'S RIGHT THERE!>

    The moment his feet touched the ground there was an explosive amount of energy that surged throughout his body, doing all it could to stay conscious and mobile. His body was numb except for his legs, which felt like they were set ablaze.

    <10, 20, no 15 meters tops. MOVE!>

    He jetted forward in his linear path to the entrance. The initial speed was faster than he ever ran before, but…

    <I'm—slowing down?>

    His sprint became a run, then a jog, and now a walk. The energy surge was draining drastically with every step. His body couldn't handle the fatigue it endured from carrying Starmie, taking a direct hit from a powered-up Shadow Ball, and being slammed into a thick block of ice. No matter how strong his will was he couldn't overcome the limitations of his body. He was lucky to have gotten where he was even with Recover.

    Inside the building he could see Nurse Joy talking to someone. He wanted to call out and get her attention but his labored breathing wouldn't allow it. The lactic acid in his legs from the trek and from holding Starmie was burning him painfully. One of his legs went numb and gave out, forcing him to use his other leg as support as he dragged himself to the entrance.

    Togekiss flew overhead and through the doors slamming them open, yelling drastically to get Nurse Joy's attention.

    The tunnel vision and deafness was coming back again. His breathing was slower than before. He could see Nurse Joy calling out and running towards him with a pair of Lucky by her side pushing a stretcher table.

    He smiled sheepishly as he stepped with his good leg inside the Pokémon Center causing the bell chime to play when someone enters. The chime was synchronized with the numb pulsing in his leg and it too gave out. He fell forward but was saved by Nurse Joy catching him by the shoulders. The weight of Starmie on his back made him fall onto his knees.

    "Starmie." he gasped quietly.

    Nurse Joy said something to him but he couldn't hear her. The two Lucky took Starmie off his back and onto the stretcher. Nurse Joy tried to lift him up but he swatted her hand away weakly but threateningly.

    "If you have the people to spare on me—" He coughed in a strange manner causing something foreign to leak out of his mouth and splatter onto the tile floor.

    "—then use them to save Starmie."

    Nurse Joy said something to him but he pushed her away and let himself collapse beside the thick red and black bubbly substance he spat out.

    <Togekiss, go help them.>

    He closed his eyes as a pair of loafers appeared near him, its owner shaking him to get his attention causing him to pass out in the process.

    <Starmie, if you die, I will kill you… She's mine, and you won't take her away from me…>

    End of Act 5
    Last edited by Caduceus Brigade; 15th February 2011 at 4:17 AM.

  12. #12
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    I suspect this guy is a sort of deranged stalker or something.
    And a possesive one to boot. Though the whole 'survive or I'll kill you gives a mildly hilarious touch to the character (not much, but something is something)

    For the first of your stories that I read in here, I must say I'm impressed.
    continue the good job.

  13. #13
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    Forgetting about the current situation he recognized a metal bench near the Yukimenoko where he had been sitting earlier that day.
    Somewhat of a minor nitpick, but you might want to switch these two phrases around so that him seeing the metal bench made him forget about the current situation (instead of the other way around). Not unless he did randomly forget about the current situation.

    A sudden rush of rage swept through him. He felt that the Yukimenoko was mocking. The frozen gate was not there to prevent his escape but rather to show him his stubborn, self-proclaimed destiny of Kasumi. He could not leave the park as she did previously and follow into her world. Through Starmie's death, Yukimenoko would prove that point.
    Whoa, symbolism on your main character's part. =P Having been reading about this character for four prior acts, I figure he would be someone to do that sort of thing. Still kinda funny that he would jump to that conclusion. =P

    With all the strength he could muster, he leapt backwards towards the frozen gate still holding Starmie, and landed directly in the Shadow Ball's path. It struck him dead center, sending him flying. The pain was bearable but he was prepared for what was to come next. He swung his airborne body around using Starmie as a rudder and faced the gate.
    Yeesh. o_O Interesting plan and a creative way to get him out of there but ... yeesh.

    Togekiss couldn't be responsible this, leaving only one other possibility.
    Missing a word between "responsible" and "this." Probably "for."

    "Starmie, you're awake." he said softly behind him, still partially conscious.

    [...]

    "Enough!" he shouted bitterly. That guilt feeling was returning to him.
    Woo, more sudden changes in attitude! Understandably so.

    The tunnel vision and deafness was coming back again. His breathing was slower than before. He could see Nurse Joy calling out and running towards him with a pair of Lucky by her side pushing a stretcher table.

    He smiled sheepishly as he stepped with his good leg inside the Pokémon Center causing the bell chime to play when someone enters.
    I'm a little confused. Is he on the stretcher or is he walking again? Or was he on the stretcher and wanted to walk through the doors or something? I figure he has to be on the stretcher since he was pretty much on the ground and can barely walk. Reading further, it sounds like you didn't use the stretcher at all to get from where they were to the pokemon center, since Starmie is still on his back and only used the stretcher once they were inside ...? Placement issues, I have them. Mind clarifying for me, though?

    Anyway, good chapter. You illustrated the guy's fatigue well, and his tactic with dealing with Yukimenoko was creative but insane. I couldn't help but wonder why he couldn't just provoke the Yukimenoko to use a ghost attack and try to dodge the Shadow Ball in order for it to crack the ice instead of purposely throwing himself in front of it. I mean, him getting hit also means Starmie would get hurt as well, right? If not from the attack, then from the supposed fall which didn't happen as it awoke in time to save them from falling so ... meh on this point. I still wonder what the Yukimenoko was doing there, though. Hopefully that'll be answered soon. =P

    I like the guy's dedication to his cause. It's still creepy in the way that you can read it in another way that's filled with vitriol. I think it's awesome how you made it so the reader is suspicious about even the nicest things.

  14. #14

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    Quote Originally Posted by Breezy View Post
    Somewhat of a minor nitpick, but you might want to switch these two phrases around so that him seeing the metal bench made him forget about the current situation (instead of the other way around). Not unless he did randomly forget about the current situation.
    I agree. There were some problems writing this out properly and ended up with this. It did feel random considering the moment he was in.

    Whoa, symbolism on your main character's part. =P Having been reading about this character for four prior acts, I figure he would be someone to do that sort of thing. Still kinda funny that he would jump to that conclusion. =P
    Ha! Yes, it is pretty paranoid to have thought that but he has been thinking that way when something new always comes up in his plans as he mentioned earlier with Yukimenoko. Can't catch a break.

    Yeesh. o_O Interesting plan and a creative way to get him out of there but ... yeesh.
    Perhaps I tried to be a little too creative with this. The outline I had for this part was simpler and just involved more running. However, it felt too repetitive and didn't ultimately solve how he'd get away from Yukimenoko. I didn't want him to ever put down Starmie to keep that level of dedication to his mission even if it was for his own selfish reasons. But yea, maybe a little too creative...

    Missing a word between "responsible" and "this." Probably "for."
    Whoops, apprently I erased it by accident after my friend helped me fix that area.

    Woo, more sudden changes in attitude! Understandably so.
    He seems easy to succumb to blissful moments and yet continue waking from them in a completely different mood, something that will keep reoccuring. Strange, I am reminded of Takeshi now.

    I'm a little confused. Is he on the stretcher or is he walking again? Or was he on the stretcher and wanted to walk through the doors or something? I figure he has to be on the stretcher since he was pretty much on the ground and can barely walk. Reading further, it sounds like you didn't use the stretcher at all to get from where they were to the pokemon center, since Starmie is still on his back and only used the stretcher once they were inside ...? Placement issues, I have them. Mind clarifying for me, though?
    Perhaps I should've brought up Starmie during this point before he actually told Nurse Joy about it. They were suppose to see him carrying the injured and bandaged Starmie to the Pokémon Center. Considering his state, they would figure it was an emergency sort of like when someone runs in a hospital frantic about their child is hurt or their wife is pregnant (except instead of him freaking out, he looks like hell instead).

    The stretcher was for Starmie with Nurse Joy noticing the above. She had caught him as he fell and Starmie was taken away onto the stretcher.

    I put a lot of emphasis on his injuries and general state which could have drawn attention away from Starmie to the reader thinking the stretcher was for him. Something I could've done would be to put a thought with him saying "<They're coming to get you, Starmie>" as he took his last step before being caught by Nurse Joy.

    Anyway, good chapter. You illustrated the guy's fatigue well, and his tactic with dealing with Yukimenoko was creative but insane. I couldn't help but wonder why he couldn't just provoke the Yukimenoko to use a ghost attack and try to dodge the Shadow Ball in order for it to crack the ice instead of purposely throwing himself in front of it. I mean, him getting hit also means Starmie would get hurt as well, right? If not from the attack, then from the supposed fall which didn't happen as it awoke in time to save them from falling so ... meh on this point.
    He mentioned he couldn't avoid it especially due to its size and strength. Being cornered leaves room for anything to happen. Most of it was a plan-in-motion rather than the big picture leaving it to do all-or-nothing strange tactics.

    Regarding being hit by the Shadow Ball, since he threw himself at it he would take the full hit like taking a bullet. Because he was in front during and after slamming into the ice block, he would've broken Starmie's fall as he was still holding it. But again, it was a plan-in-motion where he could've just endured the ice block slam and land on his feet as a possible outcome though he didn't anticipate the damage it would've done to him as he hit the ice block.

    I still wonder what the Yukimenoko was doing there, though. Hopefully that'll be answered soon. =P
    Very good possibility =p

    I like the guy's dedication to his cause. It's still creepy in the way that you can read it in another way that's filled with vitriol. I think it's awesome how you made it so the reader is suspicious about even the nicest things.
    Not sure what you mean reading it in another way filled with vitriol. Do you mean criticizing his dedication for his selfish motives? If so, I was intrigued after writing this and looking at it just how similar the dedication one can do with obsession or love. I definitely was trying to get some criticism about his nature but noticing he's being viewed sympathetically and as a dedicated person, further comparing obsession and love being similar in many of their actions. If that can happen to the readers (especially with knowing his thoughts) then certainly it can deceive characters in the story as well!

    I'm glad though you liked it and it left things mysterious toward anything. Paranoid like the guy eh? XD
    Last edited by Caduceus Brigade; 17th February 2011 at 3:02 AM.

  15. #15
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    Not sure what you mean reading it in another way filled with vitriol. Do you mean criticizing his dedication for his selfish motives?
    Yeah. More of a "Breezy was simultaneously writing an analysis paper at the same time that used the word 'vitriol' a few times and the word got stuck in her head for some reason." =P Apologies for my dumbness.

    But yeah. Definitely the whole complexity issue your character has and how you can both sympathize and be wary of him at the same time and how you can't tell if he's being sincere or has a second motive. Must be interesting to write.

    And yes; I'm paranoid now. =P

  16. #16

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    Author's notes:
    * This and the following Act is double in length due to me realizing the Starmie arc was lasting far longer than intended so I combined the next four Acts into two. Hopefully makes up for my delay since last posting too
    * Slightly lustful language and a bloody moment
    * Editor has become busy with rl (school, employment seeking, etc) so I had to make do with my own ability, thus prepare for some grammar mistakes
    * Ophthalmoscope lol...



    ~Nameless Supplanter~

    Act 6


    They were underwater, a fitting sanctuary for his beauty. The setting was reminiscent of the illusion he faced during their battle. However, this time, he wanted to remain there.

    Her single pigtail was let down, the fiery redness of her hair calmed by the sea. A white lotus was nestled on the side of her head just as the mermaid in his book had. The exposed legs she swam toward him with were locked together, never parting like that of a mermaid's fish tail. Her modest bosom was covered by a pink top.

    He couldn't see her eyes but her smile was easily recognizable to him. It was the smile that he dreamt of constantly since he first saw her in the park. He knew he was dreaming but he let it take its course, wanting to enjoy every moment of this preview of what was to come in the future.

    She hummed her ballad, the same tune from his last experience here. It enticed him wanting to have skin contact, his face to be buried in her bosom. She must have noticed this as she reached out towards him invitingly like a mother toward her child. His body floated on its own toward her slowly, his heart racing with such an exponential crescendo with her humming that not even the sea could dull its echoes around them.

    <All mine. I deserve this.>

    Closer and closer he floated, passing by her hands which were already beginning to wrap in an embrace around him. His head neared the succulent bosom. He closed his eyes yearning to feel the soft impact as fully as possible.

    A sudden sharp pain forced his eyes to reopen. He couldn't move, only stare in shock at what happened; the mermaid humming ceased. He saw his beauty holding his left arm tightly and a dagger made of black bone she had jabbed into it. Blood erupted from the deep wound, dispersing around them. He couldn't move his lips to speak or yell from the pain.

    Through the blood coated water, he could now see her eyes. The eyes he had expected to be one of amorous with her smile were both instead dark and threatening.

    "I don't belong to you..." she whispered.

    She twisted the dagger in his arm causing another sharp pain and more blood to shoot out.

    He was drowning in the illusion again by the blood-coated sea.

    "…and I never will."

    She twisted the dagger more forcibly.

    As the blood burst into his face, he broke out of the illusion yelling with a cold sensation.

    A door slammed opened. Someone had entered into the room huffing and puffing. It was a tall older man with thin reading glasses over his alert eyes. The white lab coat he had on gave the indication to him that this man was a doctor.

    "Are you alright? I saw your heart rate spike and heard screaming as I was on the way." He was still breathing deeply. A man of his age wasn't at the same fitness level as in his younger days. The doctor moved towards him and looked at a display that was on the wall. He sighed with relief.

    "No longer 120 BPM. You gave me a good scare there not to mention a workout. I am out of shape but not as bad as in the shape I found you in." joked the doctor labouredly.

    He looked down at himself and saw his exposed chest drenched in sweat. There were some white wrappings and electrodes around his upper torso with several bruise marks under them. Looking down at what he thought would be his wounded arm he saw a cast with a sling on his shoulder. The rest of his body was covered by two layers of pink blankets. He was on a bed in a faintly lit room with the only source of light being from a small lamp to his right.

    "You've been unconscious since I found you on the ground for the past hour. I have to say, not only being worn out and fatigued, you had quite a few bruises all over your front torso with possible rib injury. Your left arm was probably in the worse condition of all with it being in Stage 1 frostbite, close to Stage 2. We had to wrap it up good to keep it warm and put a cast on in case it blistered. Wouldn't want to move that arm around much and injure it more." The doctor pulled a chair from the wall and sat at his bedside.

    "That must have been some nightmare you had to have caused the screaming and the sudden heart rate increase."

    <Dream?>

    He recalled the underwater dream he just had and how wonderful it started out, just like the illusion in his gym match, with him seeing his mermaid beauty and her siren-like tune that drove him to her. The bliss would instantly disappear as his ecstasy would start to peak, leaving him in pain. Previously, he was only drowning, but this time, he was also attacked brutally by his beloved with the black dagger made of bone. He knew that weapon too well…

    Biting his nail, he ran through questions in his mind. Why was he having this dream again, why did she sing that same alluring tune each time, and why did she attack him mercilessly while saying those horrible words to him?

    Something touched his shoulder causing him to flinch away surprised.

    "Are you alright?" It was the doctor.

    "I was speaking to you but your eyes went blank and you were getting pale."

    His mind was elsewhere causing him to forget about the doctor. At the very least he figured he could reassure him as he continued his thoughts.

    "Yes, I'm alright. Just a bit shaken up." he faked a smile to the doctor.

    The doctor believed him and smiled back.

    "Fair enough, allow me to do a few procedure tests before we transfer you to a better facility."

    Reaching into his coat he revealed an ophthalmoscope and inched closer to him to shine on his eyes.

    "Wait, what do you mean transferring me?" He was so immersed into thinking about the dream that he hadn't considered where he was.

    "Well, I found you on the floor of the Pokémon Center in this condition. Normally, most Pokémon Centers don't have an area for human treatment but being a city of this size allowed this one to have a small clinic for such an emergency. Since you seem stabilized and fairly alert it would be proper to take you to the nearest hospital for further treatment."

    Satisfied with the eye test he took out his stethoscope and placed it on his chest.

    <Pokémon Center?>

    He instantly remembered everything. The gym battle, Starmie's condition, Yukimenoko attacking him, and reaching the Pokémon Center; he remembered it all.

    <Starmie is here!>

    He began to wonder if Kasumi's words in the dream were a result of Starmie's fate. The thought of that being true made him sick.

    <No, no, no, NO!>

    The machines were beeping again loudly as he thrashed to get out of bed, causing the doctor to reel back.

    "I don't have time for this I have to go!" he shouted.

    "Sir, you have to calm down! Your heart rate is spiking again!" said the worried doctor.

    He had to get out of there but he knew the doctor wasn't going to let that happen. There was a chance he could overpower him even in his condition to escape but it would do no good as he would eventually get caught as he looked for Starmie. Another way had to be formulated.

    As he ceased his thrashing, he laid back down in bed with a deep sigh trying to calm down so the machines would halt their incessant beeping.

    "I'm—I'm sorry about that. I was still a bit dazed about everything." he spoke softly.

    The doctor eyed him for a moment hesitantly.

    "Understandable. You've had quite a shock to your body after all."

    He turned to face the doctor and smiled again.

    "I just need to rest for a bit. Go ahead and call the hospital regarding the transfer." he said even softer to sound sleepy.

    The doctor nodded again.

    "Just relax, I'll return after I speak to the hospital." The doctor looked at his chart again noticing something missing.

    "By the way, what's your name—" The doctor stopped, noticing he was asleep. What he didn't know was he faked falling sleep to get him to leave.

    He could hear the doctor walking quietly out the room and the door closing.

    <Finally.>

    Sitting up he removed the electrodes from his body with his non-casted hand causing the machines to flat line. He reached out and pulled the wires to unplug the machines from the wall.

    Tension rose throughout his body again remembering Starmie. He had to find it as soon as possible.

    He set his feet down on the ground and felt weakness in his legs. They shook slightly when he stood up. An hour to recover from the events of earlier wasn't enough for his body, but he couldn't wait any longer.

    Carefully, he walked towards the door and saw his bag and clothing in the corner on a chair. He attempted to change into his clothes but found his cast and sling wouldn't go through the sleeve and had great difficulty putting on his pants especially. Compromising with only one arm out the sleeve and got his pants on, he grabbed his bag and held it behind him. The bag felt heavier than before as if there were weights in them. It reminded him of when he was carrying Starmie; the thought forced him to continue forward.

    He tried to grab the door knob but his hand now too felt heavy and partially unresponsive. Sighing bitterly he turned the knob quickly and exited.

    The hallway he stood in was small and lit dimly. His room was at the end of it leaving him with only one path to go. He walked slowly with his hand on the wall not wanting to overexert himself least he wake up and find himself in another bed. There was only one bed he wanted to be in and share with, but, for that to happen, Starmie had to be alive. Even he couldn't fantasize about it in his condition.

    <Where are you?>

    While the hallway was small, there were several numbered doors. Many of them were empty and partially opened. Considering Starmie's state, he assumed it'd be in a closed one nearest the hallway exit to receive continuous attention. As he neared the hallway's exit where it was more lit, he became dizzy. The exit appeared to be moving backwards away from him with each step, twisting back and forth in a spiral twitchingly.

    <Oh, come on!>

    He shook his head and slapped his face once. The animated exit returned to normal. Thankful, he continued forward and saw a door near the exit that had an illuminated image of a red syringe above it. He recognized the display as when a pokémon was in critical condition and being treated when the image was lit. He peered through the transparent glass on the upper door and saw Nurse Joy with four other doctors and two Lucky hunched over what he made out to be a covered Starmie on an operating table. They were talking amongst themselves but he couldn't hear them.

    "Hey, what are you doing here?" asked a voice.

    Turning around surprised he saw another, but angry looking, Nurse Joy.

    "You shouldn't be in here; it'll disrupt that Starmie's treatment with us coming and going."

    Starmie was close by but he couldn't venture further least his presence inferring with the treatment. But he had to know its condition especially after over an hour had passed since he blacked out.

    "Please, you have to tell me, how is Starmie currently?" he implored desperately. It was rare he felt this concerned about another even though it had to do with his own personal goals. He blamed it partially on his weakened state.

    Nurse Joy gave a look of uncertainty, unable to provide a solid answer.

    "We don't know yet. I had just arrived from South Cerulean City after being called about this Pokémon Center needing more help. Last I heard, they were able to keep Starmie's breathing stable, for now, with the machines after an exhausted Togekiss had used Wish on it for thirty minutes. But anything else-I don't know…" She placed a tender hand on his shoulder.

    "I know you're concerned for Starmie but I must ask you to wait in the lobby. I promise I'll let you know the moment something new comes up, alright?" Her tone was soft and almost mother-like.

    There was no choice for him then. It was in the hands of the experts. The thought of him being unable to do anything more made him angry.

    "Alright." He surrendered and exited the hallway through the double doors, keeping his walk as normal as possible in case Nurse Joy saw him limping occasionally in his steps. He was glad she hadn't noticed his casted arm under his shirt.

    The lobby's brightness irritated him after having been in the darker room and hallway. Closing his eyes partially, he walked to the corner of the lobby where there were some seats. There were a few people there at that hour and they were closer to the center of the lobby. He didn't want to be near anyone and wanted to relax alone.

    Collapsing on a chair behind a pillar that stood next to the exit of the Pokémon Center, he started to collect his thoughts. He wondered where Togekiss was but figured it was resting somewhere in the Pokémon Center after having fought Starmie and using Wish for as long as it did. Long as it remained as Togekiss he wasn't concerned; it knew to stay incognito.

    A loud sound and bell chime woke him from his thoughts as several people entered the Pokémon Center. When he saw who they were he stood up and hid behind the pillar. It was the blue haired boy and his darker skinned friend, and the sister trio and their younger sister.

    "Sister, calm down. I am sure they got here before us." said an assured Sakura to Kasumi.

    "I agree. That guy ran with such grace and speed even when carrying that pokémon on his back!" said the blue haired boy excitedly.

    Kasumi didn't seem to pay attention to either of them as she looked around the front desk without a Nurse Joy behind it. She slammed both of her palms down on the desk loudly, neglecting the service bell nearby.

    "Why isn't she here?" she shouted. Her voice was mixed with anger and concern.

    He didn't want to be there right then. His appearance was only supposed to occur when Starmie was announced to be stable and will recover thanks to him. It would be then he'd show up in a battle scarred fashion to instill pity, gratitude, and humility which would convert to unfaltering admiration, love, and lust towards him. He had to do this to make up for the fact it was he who caused harm to Starmie in the first place.

    Moving carefully he walked around the pillar with his back toward the exit to make sure he wasn't seen. As he approached the door cautiously he remembered the bell chime when someone passed through. Looking quickly at the exit he saw bushes beside the entrance outside. Nudging closer to the door, he leapt outside into the bushes as soon as the doors opened and landed on his side with his good arm. His legs didn't seem to like the amount of force they exerted but he ignored them as he tried to remain still until he thought to have removed suspicion.

    The night air was warm with a cool moderately strength wind; a storm was coming soon. He crawled with his good arm towards the window and kneeled up to view through it. Nurse Joy had just arrived from the hallway he was in previously and was welcomed by a frantic Kasumi, her body language dispelled of anger leaving only concern. He couldn't hear them but saw Nurse Joy point towards his direction without looking, possibly telling the group to sit and wait. Ducking before they could see him, he sat under the window's visibility range with his back against it. No sooner did he sit he could hear voices from behind the window.

    "At least he seems to be ok according to Nurse Joy saying he was resting in the human clinic part of the building after all." said Ayame.

    "All that's left is Starmie then. He must have gotten here quick if they said Starmie was being treated for over an hour now." said Botan.

    "Kasumi? How are you holding up?" asked Sakura sympathetically.

    There was a slam against the window, causing it to shake against his back.

    "How do you think I'm feeling?" yelled Kasumi.

    There was a sense of dread consuming him. He wanted to believe it was because she didn't mention concern for him but knew it was another reason. The thought of his ultimate goal being in ruins was played in his head earlier. The closer it was to becoming true made the feeling worse. Kasumi's sadness was like being stabbed by the black boned dagger again, one more painful than the one in his dream. She needed to be happy, happy towards him, because only happiness would win her over.

    The bell chime played as someone exited the Pokémon Center. He was caught off guard and was about to hide but it was too late, the blue haired boy saw him. Before he could motion to the boy to be quiet, he crouched and crept up to him silently.

    "Hey, what are you doing out here in the bushes like a stalker?" whispered the boy as he walked over towards him hunched over.

    "Let me guess, you were listening in on us to hear that younger sister's concern for you. Am I right?"

    This blue haired boy was nobody's fool. While he was wrong about his reason for hiding, he seemed to understand a good portion of his mentality. It would explain why he didn't make a big deal when he found him near the bushes and kept quiet. He had to be careful with talking to him. Perhaps he could use him to his advantage for when he finally revealed himself when Starmie recovered as reinforcement, make himself shine even brighter to Kasumi.

    "I… didn't want to cause a scene. The concern should be placed on Starmie, not me. But I still wanted to know how Starmie was so I am waiting here." he whispered to the boy, turning away slightly to hide his hidden injured arm that was still tucked under his shirt.

    The boy sat with his legs and arms crossed in thought.

    "I see. So you wanted to take responsibility silently and leave the scene as to avoid the possible anger by the youngest sister. Maybe also to not feel the guilt associated with her sadness as well. Am I right?" asked the boy.

    That belief would be good enough for him since he can say he changed his mind later to appear before Kasumi.

    "Yes." he lied in as believable tone he could muster.

    The boy leaned forward and looked at him for a second then smiled.

    "Ha, very well then, if that's what you want to go with."

    He couldn't tell if the boy believed him or not. He didn't like it.

    <Who is this kid?>

    "I was glad to see you again as I wanted to extend a special invitation to you. Although I am sure V would tell me…" The boy sat up straight, his face scrunched to look serious.

    "'This isn't the proper time.'" said the boy trying to imitate his friend, V, by speaking stoically.

    The boy laughed at his imitation quietly.

    "So let's wait until after this Starmie situation is finished." said the boy in his normal carefree tone.

    <Invitation?>

    "But let me say one thing," He lifted his finger and pointed up towards the window.

    "Look inside carefully."

    He hesitated at the command. The boy's intents were unknown to him and for all he knew he probably wanted to expose him to everyone. However, if he backed away now, the boy would know he was lying about earlier and question his real reasons for hiding.

    Slowly, he rose to face the window on his knees and saw the older sisters surrounding Kasumi where they were sitting. Looking closer he saw Kasumi facing downwards and taking off the band holding her single pigtail up and letting her hair down that covered her eyes at his angle. The illusion he experienced earlier had her hair down as a form of desire to him but now… he did not know. He kept staring ambivalently at her hair trying to see her eyes. The last time he saw her sea-green eyes outside of any illusion was after he delivered the mortal blow to Starmie during their gym match. At that time, her eyes were of fear; fear for Starmie's health, and not of the battle itself. That image constantly repeated itself since then.

    He wished he hadn't listened to the boy. This wouldn't help if the inevitable happened.

    <No, it won't happen.>

    "Go comfort her." said the boy.

    "What?" he said back to him quietly.

    "Think about it. Regardless of what happens here you can salvage what you started by being there for her and taking responsibility. Your feelings won't change so you should use them appropriately."

    The boy knew from the first time they met what he was after. It made him uneasy but the boy didn't know what his true intentions were. At the very least the boy believed his emotions to be of virtue. If he can't deny his judgment then he can at least play along with it.

    There was also the matter of him revealing himself openly now before the doctors decided Starmie's fate. In his mind he knew she couldn't forgive someone for the murder of someone that close to her let alone fall for that murderer. He could comfort all he wanted but the memory would still be there. She wouldn't lay beside him in bed knowing she was sleeping with the one who killed her pokémon.

    "No, everything will be ok. Starmie will get better. I know it." he said sternly.

    <I worked hard for this, very hard. I will have her soon after Starmie recovers.>

    "If that's your choice very well then, take a breather. I should head back in before anyone gets suspicious and comes out here to look for me." the boy walked away hunched over towards the entrance to avoid being seen from the window.

    "Be sure to make your entrance as grand as possible when you decide to come in." joked the boy as he reentered the Pokémon Center.

    With the boy gone he had to come up with a way to look as guilty possible for them to feel pity towards him. Then they would tell him Starmie was alive because of him. He imagined walking in and going on his knees with his head lowered to the ground and apologize, but it seemed too excessive and unbelievable with what is known about him already by Kasumi after having failed to deceive her in their battle. The next idea would be to instead just be on one knee and to cup her hand pleading for forgiveness. While it would allow him to touch her hand, he felt it was too weak and desperate to ask for forgiveness. Several more ideas flew by his head each being no better than the last. It wasn't until some minutes passed he became satisfied with one.

    Yes, that will do nicely. I'll pluck those heart strings of hers to the tune of that mermaid. Only this time, she'll be the one swooned by me.

    It was starting to rain but he didn't care. He became giddy for the first time that night. The feeling was so welcoming it made him chuckle out loud.

    The bell chime rung again. He saw this time it was the Nurse Joy from the hallway earlier.

    "There you are! I was looking for you."

    "Nurse Joy," he responded then noticed she had her hands locked together across her chest. He knew that pose and what news it entailed.

    "Your Starmie," she lowered her head.

    "—it has an injury that we can't heal with what we have."

    "What—what are you saying?" he asked worriedly.

    A flash of lightning illuminated Nurse Joy's pale face. She said something but the thunder that roared didn't let him hear.

    "I'm sorry, say again?" He noticed whatever she said took great difficulty and saying it again would be even harder.

    She grabbed his sleeve. He was taken aback from the action but it seemed needed for what she had to repeat.

    "Starmie won't survive the night."

    <…>

    End of Act 6
    Last edited by Caduceus Brigade; 18th March 2011 at 3:23 PM.

  17. #17
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    I love your opening paragraphs involving the "fantasy/dream" scene. They were described lovely -- the words really did match the dreamy underwater sort of setting you had going on. It really was gorgeous. Plus our anti-hero almost got some bosom action. =) Lol.

    His body floated on its own toward her slowly, his heart racing with such an exponential crescendo with her humming that not even the sea could dull its echoes around them.
    I love this. The use of "crescendo" along with "humming" was a really nice touch.

    Of course he is shocked into some freaky stuff just when he was about to touch ... or bury his head into them. With that said ...

    The contrast between the gorgeous from before to the horror nightmare that quickly comes after it was executed beautifully. The description in the nightmare section was also described amazingly; you really know how to set the tone of your fic using imagery. Dream Kasumi's dialogue here is so haunting, especially when you think of what the main character said earlier: "All mine. I deserve this."

    He was drowning in the illusion again by the blood-coated sea.
    Again, I like your use of metaphor to continue with the water imagery from before. Plus I just like the phrasing of this in general.

    I am wondering what this black bone dagger is (dagger of black bone? I probably phrased it wrong) ...

    Reaching into his coat he revealed an ophthalmoscope and inched closer to him to shine on his eyes.
    Your comment on this word earlier made me lol now.

    No, no, no, NO!>
    You're missing a symbol at the beginning (the name slips my mind).

    He didn't want to be there right then. His appearance was only supposed to occur when Starmie was announced to be stable and will recover thanks to him. It would be then he'd show up in a battle scarred fashion to instill pity, gratitude, and humility which would convert to unfaltering admiration, love, and lust towards him. He had to do this to make up for the fact it was he who caused harm to Starmie in the first place.
    Ha. I like his little fantasy here. I really am enjoying your narrative; it's chockfull of this guy's personality and his wants and desires, and his cleverly thought of plans to get said wants and desires only for something to come and mess everything up, where he then has to think of another clever plan. Long sentence is long and possibly makes no sense, but I hope you get what I mean. =P

    "I see. So you wanted to take responsibility silently and leave the scene as to avoid the possible anger by the youngest sister. Maybe also to not feel the guilt associated with her sadness as well. Am I right?" asked the boy.

    That belief would be good enough for him since he can say he changed his mind later to appear before Kasumi.

    "Yes." he lied in as believable tone he could muster.
    You know, even if the blue-haired boy is wrong, it's still rather insightful. (Also, I thought the main character did feel some guilt. It's been awhile, and I'm pretty tired, so sorry if I'm a little confused.)

    Looking closer he saw Kasumi facing downwards and taking off the band holding her single pigtail up and letting her hair down that covered her eyes at his angle. The illusion he experienced earlier had her hair down as a form of desire to him but now… he did not know. He kept staring ambivalently at her hair trying to see her eyes. The last time he saw her sea-green eyes outside of any illusion was after he delivered the mortal blow to Starmie during their gym match.
    I like this to in comparison to the earlier dream sequence and referring back to the battle. Lots of mixed emotions packaged in one neat paragraph.

    So that was a great chapter. I really adore your writing style. Bunch of new stuff popped in this chapter: the invitation from this boy (that boy ... how old is he by the way? He seems younger than the main character, but you never know. He seems quite wise beyond his years), Starmie not making it past that night, and the main character having to scramble to come up with new plan after new plan after new plan. You handle all of it quite well; they weave together excellently. Especially with all the plans that your character thinks of and, for the most part, executes. Everything flows together smoothly.

    I could rave more, but I think I'm getting repetitive. Love your portrayal of Kasumi as always, as well as the manipulative thought that comes off as virtuous on a surface level by the main character. Very complex stuff. Love it.

  18. #18

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    Quote Originally Posted by Breezy View Post
    I love your opening paragraphs involving the "fantasy/dream" scene. They were described lovely -- the words really did match the dreamy underwater sort of setting you had going on. It really was gorgeous. Plus our anti-hero almost got some bosom action. =) Lol.
    Haha I like his illusions/dreams, gives free realm to anything possible--and yet things don't go his way like when he's awake XD

    I love this. The use of "crescendo" along with "humming" was a really nice touch.
    That part took a bit of time because I was afraid I was using "crescendo" wrong but guess I lucked out!

    Of course he is shocked into some freaky stuff just when he was about to touch ... or bury his head into them. With that said ...

    The contrast between the gorgeous from before to the horror nightmare that quickly comes after it was executed beautifully. The description in the nightmare section was also described amazingly; you really know how to set the tone of your fic using imagery. Dream Kasumi's dialogue here is so haunting, especially when you think of what the main character said earlier: "All mine. I deserve this."
    The dagger scene was, as dark as this may sound, my favorite part to come up with and write. What better way to end and wake up from a nightmare than a stabbing and denying your dreams? XD

    Again, I like your use of metaphor to continue with the water imagery from before. Plus I just like the phrasing of this in general.
    I notice I often refer back to the past when something similar happens which feels repetitive but at the same time needed. He was drowning in the illusion during the gym match but now there is blood which let's him see Dream Kasumi's eyes--murderous eyes.

    I am wondering what this black bone dagger is (dagger of black bone? I probably phrased it wrong) ...
    Haha it's the same thing to me wasn't sure which way was the best way to say. The dagger is an important element especially if you know the story of the Little Mermaid by Hans Christian Andersen (not the loldisney version which was false). Of course, it will be brought up again as I can not expect everyone to know what it is. Had considered to go over it in that Act but it would make the Act longer than it already was (10 pages).

    Your comment on this word earlier made me lol now.
    It's such a big word and I wasn't sure how else to word it so I left it and made a comment on it to lessen any harsh remarks on it XD

    You're missing a symbol at the beginning (the name slips my mind).
    An annoying thing about copy and pasting leaves italicized words and < > to be removed so I have to manually input them each time. I must have somehow missed that so I'll fix it >< thanks

    Ha. I like his little fantasy here. I really am enjoying your narrative; it's chockfull of this guy's personality and his wants and desires, and his cleverly thought of plans to get said wants and desires only for something to come and mess everything up, where he then has to think of another clever plan. Long sentence is long and possibly makes no sense, but I hope you get what I mean. =P
    I often wondered if it was a good idea to have him think so much this way but I am glad you like it so far haha

    You know, even if the blue-haired boy is wrong, it's still rather insightful. (Also, I thought the main character did feel some guilt. It's been awhile, and I'm pretty tired, so sorry if I'm a little confused.)
    The blue haired boy continues to be an unknown variable to him which leaves him cautious in his actions. Perhaps, in some way, they are alike, or even complete opposite making them able to understand the other better than those inbetween (that sounded a bit strange I think).

    The main char isn't use to feeling guilt so the emotions he feels that could be considered guilt may also be associated with how, for example, with Kasumi, he wants her to be happy and not sad "but" the happiness has to be brought by his own actions and not others. It makes it complex for him to learn this.

    I like this to in comparison to the earlier dream sequence and referring back to the battle. Lots of mixed emotions packaged in one neat paragraph.
    I refer to the past too much as I stated earlier but glad there isn't an annoyance factor on it yet from what I heard and read. That paragraph was a mess to write and it could've been better. I do love the image I was going for though^^ a shame it couldn't be written better but glad you liked it though

    So that was a great chapter. I really adore your writing style. Bunch of new stuff popped in this chapter: the invitation from this boy (that boy ... how old is he by the way? He seems younger than the main character, but you never know. He seems quite wise beyond his years), Starmie not making it past that night, and the main character having to scramble to come up with new plan after new plan after new plan. You handle all of it quite well; they weave together excellently. Especially with all the plans that your character thinks of and, for the most part, executes. Everything flows together smoothly.

    I could rave more, but I think I'm getting repetitive. Love your portrayal of Kasumi as always, as well as the manipulative thought that comes off as virtuous on a surface level by the main character. Very complex stuff. Love it.
    There was a bit of fear when I posted this because it wasn't edited by anyone else but me, leaving much possible problems to surface. That and this Starmie arc has lasted much longer than I wanted which could leave people impatient for the plot with TR to pop up. Nevertheless, this arc technically ends next Act so I'll try to finish my edits on it and send it out so I can start the one after that which gets the wheels turning to something more interesting to people.

    The blue haired boy's age is unknown (but could be considered not much younger than the main character) but his personality is like a kid. Because of this, it can leave a sense of underestimation on his character as the main character noticed with the surprise that the boy can almost read him. The boy is an unknown variable, something the main character detests having to deal with as he likes to always think ahead of the game in his deceptions and plans.

    Most of all, I am thrilled to hear that I've been able to retain Kasumi's character thus far and keeping an ambivalent view on the main character. And I was glad that without an editor the Act wasn't a total mess XD thanks as always

  19. #19

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    Author's notes
    * This arc is finally over yay, main plot is next
    * Bit more dialogue then I originally wanted at the mid, feels a little iffy
    * Again, no editor, so beware my mistakes!
    * Déjŕ vu...
    * First post edited to look a little more appealing and welcoming--still needs work though :\



    ~Nameless Supplanter~

    Act 7


    He smiled weakly.

    "That's a cruel joke to say, Nurse Joy."

    Her eyes were shut tightly looking away from him. Even with the rain drenching her face he noticed the tears.

    "No…" He was speechless. It was over. The dagger dream was coming true.

    He collapsed on his knees followed by his bottom, absolutely awestricken.

    "I'm—so sorry." choked Nurse Joy.

    He turned away from her, looking down at his single fist pressed deeply into his legs.

    "Just go, please." he muttered.

    "But—" begun Nurse Joy.

    "Please!" he cringed.

    A moment passed before he heard the bell chime as Nurse Joy left him, unknowing that he didn't own Starmie and it would be only a matter of time before Kasumi heard the news.

    He desperately tried to figure a way to salvage this. The hundreds of TVs in his mind filled with different solutions on their screens. One by one their screens shattered when discovered they failed in recovering from this horror. There was no escape from the truth: he was now a murderer.

    <I… killed Starmie.>

    Opening his fist he imagined seeing blood on his palm; blood that wasn't his but was Starmie's. The rain wouldn't cleanse it away.

    He attempted to block his mind from thinking about what happened. The emotional state was so sickening he threw himself on his free hand and vomited powerfully. The yellow contents he released lay around the base of the bush, slowly being washed away by the rain.

    "Yuki." said a voice.

    He faced up to see the Yukimenoko from the park floating in front of him.

    Yukimenoko looked at him confused and nudged his side with its head.

    "I'm not in the mood." he said droningly.

    The rain was colder and stronger now, pounding on his back relentlessly. In his condition it felt like hail.

    Yukimenoko moved closer and opened its mouth in front of him.

    He was expecting another Ice Beam but he didn't move. There was some hope the attack would numb away the dread and depression that consumed him, which he knew was impossible.

    "Yu-yuki!" it said.

    There was no attack.

    Looking at its mouth he saw a red glass-like shard.

    "You want me to take this?" he asked.

    The floating pokémon nodded.

    Hesitantly, he took the red glassy object. Looking at it he assumed it was a fire stone. He guessed the reason for giving him this was some attempt to keep warm from the cold, although fire stones didn't work that way. He then assumed the gesture was a form of a peace treaty.

    "Thanks." he whispered, unsure how to feel about the gift.

    The pokémon smiled at him and spun up into the sky in a display of ice particles.

    "Yuki-Yukimenoko!" it called out before disappearing, bits of snow landing around him.

    He looked at the red shard and thought about what drove him to this point. He remembered being at the park and sitting on one of the metal benches while reading his book. Then, for no reason at all, he would look away from his book to see someone walking on the bench's path towards him. It would be the first time he saw Kasumi. He studied her appearance: the fiery red hair, the gentle sea-green eyes, the slim athletic legs, and the modest perky bosom. Her beauty linking with her confident and majestic body language was an orchestra of desire and lust he had never experienced before. Oh how he wanted all of her, the object of obsession. It would all have been his if it weren't for Starmie, battered with its electrical burns, gash, and chipped gem.

    <Chipped gem.>

    The shard in his hand, it looked—no, it "was" the chipped portion of Starmie's gem. Nurse Joy had mentioned they couldn't heal Starmie with what they had, which could mean they didn't have something specific.

    There was a surge of revelation and hope.

    Before he knew it, he dashed into the Pokémon Center knocking by other trainers there. Ignoring their outcry, he entered into the hallway and slammed the doors opened into the room where he saw Starmie. He stood there with labored breath, dripping water all over the floor after having come from the rain. The doctors, both Nurse Joys, and the two Lucky were still there around Starmie, who remained lying on the table.

    "What are you—" spoke a doctor.

    "Here!" he shouted and thrust his arm forward showing the soaked red shard.

    Everyone looked at him oddly.

    He was becoming increasingly impatient.

    "You said you couldn't heal Starmie with what you had, right?" He looked towards the Nurse Joy who had given him the dire news outside. She was still surprised at his outburst.

    One of the doctors, the shortest one there, approached him and leaned to look at the shard in his hand.

    "Why, this is—yes! It is!" said the doctor astonishingly.

    He shoved the shard into the doctor's hands.

    "Then take it! Take it and save Starmie!" he demanded desperately.

    The doctor, with the shard in hand, walked quickly over to Starmie and held it above the cracked portion of its gem.

    "This looks to be all of it, thankfully. We'll have to work quickly." the doctor motioned to the Lucky and one of them placed a tray for the other to hand the doctor a tool from it.

    Nurse Joy, the one who ran the Pokémon Center they were in, quickly left the room. The remaining Nurse Joy stood in his view holding a towel with a look of relief.

    "I… am at a loss for words. I can't tell you how happy I am for this miracle." she said tearfully and happily.

    "But…" Her voice turned to one of disappointment.

    "It pains me greatly to say this but I have to ask you to wait outside again, please." she smiled softly. She had regret in telling him to leave after he was the one who brought in the cure for Starmie.

    He wanted to stay and watch but he knew she'd tell him it could interfere with their work.

    "Fair enough."

    He accepted the towel and wrapped it around himself like a cloak. Walking out of the room and into the hallway, he bit his nail in thought as the Nurse Joy who had left the room earlier returned.

    [i]<I still have a chance, yes, it isn't over. I already claimed her, nothing can't stop me now.>[i]

    Having reentered the lobby, he noticed the sisters and the two guys had spotted him. He panicked, having forgotten they were there. No façade of any kind was planned in case he was caught before Starmie was pronounced to be stable.

    He had considered running back into the hallway and entering the room he awoke in. Inching back before they could call him, he bumped into someone.

    "Ah ha, there you are!" It was the doctor who was watching over him when he was unconscious.

    "You had me concerned you ran away in your condition! I need you to come back into the room and await the ambulance that is going to take you to the hospital."

    This was his moment to escape from the others. What stopped him from immediately going with the doctor was the thought of being transferred to the hospital, away from whom was to be his. He had to keep the moment of his appearance and injures as fresh as possible. The only way out of this predicament was using the pity plan he came up with outside earlier than intended.

    Turning slightly to the group, he saw they were still watching him. Now was the time for him to play with Kasumi's heart. He imagined holding a leaning Kasumi with one arm and his hand thrusting through her chest, plucking and fondling the heart-strings like a lyre to the hypnotic tune of the mermaid from his dream.

    <I shall enrapture you with the sound of your own melody, my beauty.>

    He faced the doctor again with great determination in his face.

    "I'm sorry; I cannot leave this facility yet. Not until I know of Starmie's condition." he spoke confidently and defiantly just loud enough so the others could hear.

    The doctor looked at him as if he were crazy.

    "It would be unprofessional of me to let you go like this. They need to examine for any possible trauma and your chest and arm especially."

    He had expected this type of answer and used it to his advantage, hoping Kasumi would be able to hear him.

    <Can you hear it—feel it, my dear?>

    "You don't understand! I am the reason Starmie is in its current state! My condition was because of me bringing it here by running on foot and being attacked by a random pokémon." he shouted.

    He lifted up his shirt to reveal the bandages, bruises, and his casted arm in its sling. There was extra care that he angled himself so Kasumi could see his injuries.

    The doctor was about to retort but he interjected first.

    "And don't even say I've done enough. You have no idea how I felt inside during this entire excursion. These injuries are minuscule in comparison. If I go to the hospital now I will be unable to rest until I know Starmie will be ok."

    Releasing his shirt, he extended his arm toward the doctor sharply.

    "So if you want to take me to the hospital then you'll have to do it forcibly, risking further injury to myself. You saw my heart rate when I awoke. Just imagine those machines going off constantly when I am strapped in a hospital bed far away from here awaiting painfully for news of Starmie." He honestly felt he should have won an award with this performance which wasn't finished yet.

    The doctor took off his glasses and rubbed his forehead in thought. Listening to the whole speech must have taken a lot out of the old man. He knew there was nothing the doctor could do to stop him and would have to compromise.

    "I would still have to say "no" professionally, but I know nothing I say will stop you. If you were willing to trick me to get out of bed for this pokémon, what would stop you from hurting yourself further from escaping the hospital?" sighed the doctor as he placed his glasses back on.

    "At the very least, I must ask you to admit yourself to the hospital after your Starmie is well. It would put my old heart at ease."

    There was a notion of sympathy for the old doctor. They both shared the bitterness that came with being in an uncontrollable situation and end up hoping for the best. While he could've just defied the compromise, he decided to use it to enhance his performance.

    "Don't worry. I'll go as soon as this is over. Rest easy, you don't want to end up with me in the hospital do you?" he laughed, patting the doctor's arm teasingly.

    "That is all I could ask for." The doctor smiled at the joke, relieved he had accepted the compromise.

    "It has been a stressful night for all of us. I will delay the ambulance until you are ready. But please do be careful." said the doctor as he walked back into the hallway.

    Sighing deeply he prepared for his encounter with the group, particularly Kasumi. It would be the first time he would see her beautiful eyes all night. The once fearful eyes of hers will now be of concern for him at last and not Starmie.

    <Now for our melody, my Kasumi.>

    He turned to face the group and saw they all had stood up. His gaze was solely focused on his beauty, everyone else phased out. He moved forward slowly so he could relish this moment.

    Kasumi's hair was still let down but now her sea-green eyes were visible. Her look was of slight curiosity that was becoming one of realization with each step he took. A small smile of relief and pity emerged from her lips. Her lowered hair mixed with the relieved look in her expression gave him such a rush throughout his body that he could feel his face hardening and reddening more than ever before. It was so enticing and addictive he desperately wanted more. He slowed his walk further, allowing the small limp he had every few steps to augment the pity and to embrace more of this ecstasy rush.

    As he was nearing his beloved, he nearly stumbled over. He wasn't sure if it was intentional or not. The small smile she had was now gone and replaced by worry. She started to walk quickly towards him. The rise in attention, while normally a welcome for him, was more towards weakness, something he didn't like. After having taken another step, he stumbled again, his legs shaking violently. The way his body was when he left the clinic bed was catching up to him. He suddenly felt heavier than when he was carrying Starmie. The events of when he first set foot in the Pokémon Center with Starmie were starting to repeat. He didn't want to collapse here, not in front of Kasumi. Weakness at this degree was not part of the melody to play at her heart-strings. He had to remain strong though battle-scarred. It was as if their ballad became out of tune and was played at a spastic tempo.

    He tried to concentrate but his mind was clouded with a constant sensation of falling. Vertigo wouldn't let him focus and maintain his balance and posture. It frustrated him greatly during this crucial moment.

    <Why can't I win once!>

    Sighing bitterly, he ceased his walk and tried to stand still. He couldn't stop his legs from shaking. It was only a matter of time before he would pass out again and he needed to conserve his energy to stay awake.

    His vision started to twist and spiral twitchingly again. Kasumi, however, remained intact amongst the whirlpool of chaos as she arrived to him. She looked more concerned than before. He knew what she'd ask and he didn't want to her that question, especially from her with that worried look that made him sick inside. He spoke first before she could.

    "Sorry—for what I did—to Starmie." he apologized softly. It was harder to speak than he thought.

    Before he knew it, he stumbled forward but Kasumi caught him by the shoulders.

    It all felt like déjŕ vu.

    "Wha—what are you doing, Ms. Kasumi?" he uttered slowly, trying to retain strength and formality in his words. He faced the floor where his towel fell, unable to raise his head to see her face.

    "Let me go-I'm fine-really." He was able to sound more coherent this time.

    "Stop…" pleaded Kasumi.

    "What—?" He didn't know what she was trying to say.

    "Just stop, please. You've done enough." Her voice sounded hoarser.

    Something wet landed on his head. He used all the energy he could muster to force his head up just enough to see her tear stained face.

    "I don't—I don't want anyone else hurt."

    Surprisingly, she placed his head on her shoulder tenderly. Being this close and touching her should have been a euphoric moment of unparalleled proportions, but he was numbed and fatigued all over. He wanted to enjoy this rare opportunity, but couldn't muster it. He wanted to be angry about not being able to get this rush, but couldn't muster it. All that was there was warmth, making him sleepy.

    "Thank you, for saving Starmie." she whispered.

    <…>

    He cursed voraciously inside.

    End of Act 7
    Last edited by Caduceus Brigade; 24th March 2011 at 11:05 PM.

  20. #20
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    Quote Originally Posted by Caduceus Brigade View Post
    * First post edited to look a little more appealing and welcoming--still needs work though :\
    Needs a banner. ;P Haha. Good font choice!

    He desperately tried to figure a way to salvage this. The hundreds of TVs in his mind filled with different solutions on their screens. One by one their screens shattered when discovered they failed in recovering from this horror. There was no escape from the truth: he was now a murderer.
    I like this imagery. Only diabolic people have hundreds of TVs playing different things at the same time. It’s an interesting way to think of how your character plays out all his scenarios in his head. While we’re here, I also like how you handled your character’s reaction to Nurse Joy’s news; it wasn’t over-the-top and too dramatic, but you definitely got the sense that your character is feeling distraught over it, not so much that Starmie died but because Starmie died and now Kasumi will never forgive, and then love, him.

    I also liked that tie in back to the dagger imagery.

    There was a surge of revelation and hope.
    !! I actually really liked how you’re “saving” Starmie again, not with a cheap gimmick (power of love haha) but with something that logically makes sense. It’s a nice way to tie this act back to the previous acts.

    "You had me concerned you ran away in your condition! I need you to come back into the room and await the ambulance that is going to take you to the hospital."
    Funny. I actually forgot about this, which is sad considering it was only one act ago. Speaking of which, wasn’t your character’s arm broken or in a sling or something? He hasn’t done much physical movement, but you did have some description that said he had “both arms on the ground” or “both hands balled into fists” so I’m wondering if I’m forgetting/missing something about your character’s somewhat okay state.

    Turning slightly to the group, he saw they were still watching him. Now was the time for him to play with Kasumi's heart. He imagined holding a leaning Kasumi with one arm and his hand thrusting through her chest, plucking and fondling the heart-strings like a lyre to the hypnotic tune of the mermaid from his dream.
    Whoa … that’s … whoa. It’s obsessive and creepy and sort of lusty all at once.

    <I shall enrapture you with the sound of your own melody, my beauty.>

    <Can you hear it—feel it, my dear?>
    And now the thoughts are slowly spiraling into a more obsessive language. It’s gorgeous in its own right, but that only intensifies how obsessive your character is starting to become.

    He lifted up his shirt to reveal the bandages, bruises, and his casted arm in its sling. There was extra care that he angled himself so Kasumi could see his injuries.
    Yeah, see, now I’m pretty sure I misread something now. That or I’m probably imagining something entirely different than what you intended. Because when I read this:

    The emotional state was so sickening he threw himself on his hands and vomited powerfully.
    I read it as both of his hands on the ground, even though one is still stuck inside his shirt.

    He honestly felt he should have won an award with this performance which wasn't finished yet.
    Seriously read my mind here. =P

    He tried to concentrate but his mind was clouded with a constant sensation of falling. Vertigo wouldn't let him focus and maintain his balance and posture. It frustrated him greatly during this crucial moment.

    <Why can't I win once!>
    Because then the story would be over. Sorry, I don’t know why I’m so annoyingly snarky right now, lol. On a serious note, I am impressed with the way you handle all these subplots, and subplots within subplots, and bring them all together with your character’s main objective. They all merge together wonderfully.

    "Sorry—for what I did—to Starmie." he apologized softly. It was harder to speak than he thought.

    Before he knew it, he stumbled forward but Kasumi caught him by the shoulders.
    I’m debating if this is serious or if it’s part two of his award winning performance. Gosh, your character is complex.

    He wanted to be angry about not being able to get this rush, but couldn't muster it. All that was there was warmth, making him sleepy.

    "Thank you, for saving Starmie." she whispered.

    <…>

    He cursed voraciously inside.

    End of Act 7
    Holy crap, I love this ending. I’m not even sure how to properly word how or why I love it, but it’s so powerful and – I just love it.

    Lovely act; I’m glad that you tied up the loose ends with the Starmie arc. I wonder what’s coming up …

  21. #21

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    Quote Originally Posted by Breezy View Post
    Needs a banner. ;P Haha. Good font choice!
    Yeah that would be great but I am no good with those so... yea ;_;

    I like this imagery. Only diabolic people have hundreds of TVs playing different things at the same time. It’s an interesting way to think of how your character plays out all his scenarios in his head. While we’re here, I also like how you handled your character’s reaction to Nurse Joy’s news; it wasn’t over-the-top and too dramatic, but you definitely got the sense that your character is feeling distraught over it, not so much that Starmie died but because Starmie died and now Kasumi will never forgive, and then love, him

    I also liked that tie in back to the dagger imagery.
    TVs seemed appropriate like during the gym battle as a use of imagery in how he can think of different multiple scenarios simultaneously. Felt obsessive too with her on each screen.

    His expression to Nurse Joy's news was tough for me to figure out. For a guy like him, I can only assume he'd be in shock that he was "wrong" and to not know what to do at that point. A sense of deadness (wow wish I added something like that now lol) in his goal which just happened to involve Starmie too.

    Dagger will be discussed a bit more soon, just wanted a small reminder on it ahead of time haha

    !! I actually really liked how you’re “saving” Starmie again, not with a cheap gimmick (power of love haha) but with something that logically makes sense. It’s a nice way to tie this act back to the previous acts.
    Glad you didn't see it as a cop out (is that the right word?) with the way the whole thing was resolved almost "randomly" (of course it isn't) by Yukimenoko, which was my general fear.

    Funny. I actually forgot about this, which is sad considering it was only one act ago. Speaking of which, wasn’t your character’s arm broken or in a sling or something? He hasn’t done much physical movement, but you did have some description that said he had “both arms on the ground” or “both hands balled into fists” so I’m wondering if I’m forgetting/missing something about your character’s somewhat okay state.
    That was a very bad mistake on my part. I have a tendenancy to have characters use both their hands for their actions over just one, which was apprent in this case. Thanks for pointing it out, I fixed them immediately. Hopefully, that was all of them.

    Whoa … that’s … whoa. It’s obsessive and creepy and sort of lusty all at once.
    Haha I worked with a few people on this to make sure it was that. Might've gone a bit too far but I liked how it turned out. I think I forgot to warn about that in the author's notes.

    And now the thoughts are slowly spiraling into a more obsessive language. It’s gorgeous in its own right, but that only intensifies how obsessive your character is starting to become.
    With all the stuff that has happened, he must be really enjoying this which can augment how strong it is.

    Seriously read my mind here. =P
    lol the line may have been unnecessary but with the Starmie situation out of the way, he would feel prideful like everything was a-ok from the very start

    Because then the story would be over. Sorry, I don’t know why I’m so annoyingly snarky right now, lol. On a serious note, I am impressed with the way you handle all these subplots, and subplots within subplots, and bring them all together with your character’s main objective. They all merge together wonderfully.
    Haha it's ok I was expecting that type of response (that you crossed out) by people or laugh at how his hopes can be at its highest only to be taken away. Glad you liked the subplot subplot etc, I use to do this really poorly as it was something I couldn't stop myself from doing in the past.

    I’m debating if this is serious or if it’s part two of his award winning performance. Gosh, your character is complex.
    Indeed it can be interpreted differently. Can see it as being part of his performance or he was just into the moment to not hear Kasumi ask "are you ok?"
    I like keeping those things open to debate and give that ambivalent view on him

    The last stumble though wasn't on purpose though lol I probably should've made that a little clearer.

    Holy crap, I love this ending. I’m not even sure how to properly word how or why I love it, but it’s so powerful and – I just love it.
    The end could've been worded better but I am happy you liked it XD
    Even in Heaven he can't be happy if he can't feel it haha

    Lovely act; I’m glad that you tied up the loose ends with the Starmie arc. I wonder what’s coming up …
    Can't express in words how glad I am with the arc being over, lasted far too long as I said many times. Nevertheless, it was fun and it can set the foundation of his next steps and for the true plot.

    As always, I try to stay an Act ahead so I can have more time to edit, although the next one uses a style of writing I am new to at this one part to so I hope it turns out alright (because right now it looks terrible haha).

    Thanks again for your comments and mentioning that bad mistake on my part!

    Edit: yay reached page 2

  22. #22
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    Are you going to end the story in chapter 7?

    or are you going to continue?

    It seems that you gave to this nameless laddie a downer ending, yet you hinted at previous attemps...

    ...which sounded like an excelent sequel hook, might I say so.

    Read you latter!

  23. #23

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    Quote Originally Posted by asperger1981 View Post
    Are you going to end the story in chapter 7?

    or are you going to continue?

    It seems that you gave to this nameless laddie a downer ending, yet you hinted at previous attemps...

    ...which sounded like an excelent sequel hook, might I say so.

    Read you latter!
    No worries, the story is still continuing and hasn't ended, just that one arc. The main subplot is to come soon!

  24. #24

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    Author's Notes:
    * This and the following Act will act as intros of what is to come and set the stage for the rest of the main story
    * The "performance" (for lack of better non-spoiler words) took some days to write and may contain some big words
    * No banner still :\ sorry



    ~Nameless Supplanter~

    Act 8


    Some time had passed since he was reunited with the sisters and the two guys in the Pokémon Center lobby. He was sitting on a plush bench that surrounded a glass table in the center with Kasumi on his left. Even in such a glorious position, he was limited in his options.

    There was a great need for him to do something to recover from his moments of weakness in front of Kasumi. Nothing was to be gained from being pitied like he was a child instead of a hero. Whatever he would decide to do, he would need to conserve his energy in fear he'd pass out as he nearly did during his reunion with the group. It wasn't long ago he was in his beauty's arms but he could not enjoy it with the numbness he felt throughout his body. The entire time since then left him very bitter. He was thankful the lobby was silent.

    Attempting to lift his arm a few inches was a grueling task, forcing him to rethink how to handle his current state. Showing modesty and empathy would be important to keep the pity at the level he wanted and under his control.

    He turned his head slightly to view Kasumi at the corner of his eyes. Even if he wanted to face her directly, he couldn't muster the strength right then.

    "Ms. Kasumi, how are you holding up?" he asked softly, continuing the formality in his voice.

    A moment passed for a reply to surface.

    "I'm—doing alright." She responded at the same softness as he did.

    This response was of no surprise to him. Earlier, he remembered when the eldest sister, Sakura, had asked that question, Kasumi responded angrily and tearfully followed by her fist slamming the window. But since it was him asking this time and their current relationship was more of gratitude and pity, he knew what she'd say. The question was necessary to continue building the foundation of their relationship before his favorite part, intimacy, could begin.

    <Mmm…>

    He closed his eyes for a second, longing to drive his hand through her chest to fondle those heart-strings once more to the mermaid's melody.

    "More importantly, how are you feeling?" she asked.

    He could only imagine how wonderful it would have felt for this attention, but the numbness was still there. It took him a second to notice that she had placed a hand on his shoulder, a spot that was often touched that night by various people. Unfortunately, he couldn't feel the one hand he wanted to be touched by the most.

    "I'm ok." He strained to smile broadly and kept his eyes wide opened to not look tired, although he didn't think he pulled it off.

    "But I feel bad about what I did to Starmie." His voice sounded sadder which was easier to fake than being energetic.

    Even in his limited peripheral, he sensed a sudden rise in anger from her.

    "No, don't get into that mindset." she immediately scolded. The tough tomboy in her was coming out to get her point across. It aroused him slightly in his numbed state; a welcoming feeling though impaired.

    "If I was just a bit stronger, I wouldn't have fallen for the same trick, twice." The scolding weakened, her hands gripping tightly against the cushion. She sounded resentful like the events up to now were entirely her fault, referencing their gym battle when both her pokémon were defeated by him using the pool, her affinity element, against them. While he was glad she didn't call him out for what happened to Starmie, he didn't expect that she would blame herself. The very thought made him nauseous. He had to instill joy in her until Starmie's recovery announcement.

    "Nonsense," he began, trying to scold her back.

    "Huh?" she asked.

    "You are the toughest opponent I have ever met. Your strategies were as graceful as your pokémon's movements were." He was still scolding her but was slowly sounding more like he was praising instead.

    "I can see why you're the Cerulean Gym Leader. I underestimated the element of water and nearly drowned to it." He grinned.

    He couldn't tell if Kasumi chuckled or scoffed but she stood up soon after, facing him with arms crossed and torso outwards.

    "That's right; you shouldn't underestimate Kanto's best after all!" she said proudly. Her hair had the single pigtail once more. It gave him the impression that during her tomboyish moments, she would keep her hair that way and only letting it down when she was calm and gentle. Such transformations his beauty could do tickled him inside, remnants of a deeper arousal. He wanted her transformations to only happen for him; the energy-filled single-pigtailed form when they were in public and her lowered hair when together alone… All he could feel from this daydream was another tickle. It was better than nothing.

    The blue haired boy laughed after Kasumi's spirits returned.

    "What sportsmanship! I am certainly glad to see you both are feeling better."

    He had enjoyed the silence from the boy as it made him forget he was even there and wished he had remained that way. His words, however, rang true as Kasumi did appear to feel better, which in turn made him feel better as well.

    No one had responded to the boy's cheer. He also noticed Kasumi's spirited feeling dropped rather quickly as she looked away from him. Everyone's eyes were darted in the same direction she was looking at. Following their gaze, he saw Nurse Joy was coming towards them. Before she could reach the group, Kasumi ran up to her.

    "How is Starmie?" she asked quickly and worriedly. Her emotions had been mirroring often that night.

    Nurse Joy blinked unaware that the Starmie was hers and not his. She smiled regardless soon after.

    "Starmie is going to be just fine. It just needs to rest for at least two weeks to recover most of its injuries and to not battle for at least another two weeks after."

    There was a rush of relief inside him that not even his paralyzed-like state could dull. The torment was over and he could continue his goal. All the hellish fears and paranoia that plagued every second since the gym battle had vanished as if he awoke from a nightmare. He was already beginning to formulate new plans but his thoughts were instantly broken by Kasumi's outburst.

    "Starmie's ok! I—I am so thankful to you Nurse Joy!" said an ecstatic Kasumi. She grabbed Nurse Joy's hands as a form of gratitude and to steady her excitement.

    The action struck a nerve in him, jealous of the explosive praise and skin contact. He desired those hands cupping his tightly in admiration instead.

    "Please, let me see Starmie!" shouted Kasumi, pushing Nurse Joy's hands forward toward her chest and tightening her hold on them.

    Nurse Joy, still oblivious to the true ownership of Starmie, nodded and offered to take them to where Starmie was resting in. However, an impatient Kasumi had already sprinted into the hallway past Nurse Joy.

    Surprised by Kasumi's haste, Nurse Joy turned to face him with a look of gratitude.

    "It was very lucky that you had Starmie's gem shard. Without it—" She paused, looking away from them toward the tile floor.

    "—I don't even want to think about it." She faced them and let out a sigh of relief.

    He hadn't realized until then about Starmie's gem shard and why Yukimenoko had it and gave it to him. The pokémon that was attacking him in the park and impeding his mission to save Starmie ended up being the one to save it, although he got credit for it. This wasn't necessarily a bad thing to him but it still perked his curiosity amongst many things that night. Whatever the reason was, it didn't matter at this point. It was a shame that Nurse Joy hadn't praised him when Kasumi was still there with them. He wished he could've gone after her but his body required assistance in moving.

    "Well, aren't you going to say something Mr. Hero?" giggled Ayame.

    "Yeah! You've been awfully quiet." said Botan.

    Facing the sisters, he thought about their role in his quest. While their use would be limited, considering the rebellious Kasumi toward her sisters, he could use them to tip the scales if need be. There was nothing to lose from gaining their favor for further persuading Kasumi when she would begin to feel amorous emotion toward him. This would especially be useful at this hour where Kasumi's gratitude would be at its peak.

    Before he could respond, Sakura stood between her sisters and lightly took their arms.

    "Come now, he has been through a lot. I am sure he is relieved and is able to rest now." Sakura winked at him.

    "Let's go meet up with our little sister." The eldest sister took her younger siblings' arms and tugged them to follow her.

    Having been distracted in his thoughts he had forgotten that he needed to have the sisters take him to Kasumi. Before he could say anything, the blue haired boy leapt up in his view, cupping his hands around his mouth, and yelled out to them.

    "Don't worry! We will catch up soon enough!"

    The boy turned to face him with his hands clasped as if he were impatiently waiting for the sisters to be gone.

    He faced the boy with great malice for interrupting him. All he could do was watch helplessly as the sisters disappeared into the hallway that Kasumi had entered. His determination to move his legs was immense but for naught. If he could barely lift his arm then it would be impossible to do something like walking. He was on the verge of throwing a tantrum in his frustration but the numbness prevented it, only creating a greater desire to do so. The entire ordeal had him feel like he was in a straightjacket. His only hope was the two guys, the last people he wanted to be with.

    "Alright, V! Let's formally introduce ourselves and give him our invitation!" said the boy excitedly.

    He recalled the blue haired boy mentioning something regarding an "invitation", but he had no time for it. All he wanted was to follow the sisters to Kasumi and be there the moment she sees Starmie. By doing so, when Kasumi would be finished with her joy toward Starmie's recovery, she would focus on him and realize he had saved her pokémon through all his perilous efforts and injuries. Unfortunately, he would have to wait until the duo said what they had to say.

    "Foremost, I just wanted to express again how amazing your battle was! You showed such integrity and your use of ingenious tactics sent chills up my spine!" He clasped his hands again in thought as if he were reliving the gym battle.

    "When I first met you in the park, I knew there was something interesting about your character. You were the type of guy that seemed to keep much to yourself but could communicate how you please. That has the essence of a brilliant tactical pokémon trainer which was why I had to watch your gym battle."

    Being praised from someone other than Kasumi or without her presence there to hear was a waste of breath. He would've at least accepted the sisters' praising since it would be forwarded to Kasumi. The blue haired boy's praise was likely his way to get him to listen and be more opened to accept their invitation.

    The boy wrapped his arm around his accomplice and pulled him against his side.

    "But I had to bring our recruiter, V, to make sure he witnessed what I saw before we could formally invite you to join us!" The boy was building greater excitement in his voice.

    The more the boy talked the more he continued to show his disinterest. Whatever it was the two guys wanted him to join, it likely had no involvement with his goal, Kasumi. To get this over with as soon as possible, he decided to decline the offer and ask them to take him to see Starmie with the sisters.

    "Look, I don't know who you two are but—" He paused as he noticed the boy elbowed V several times in the middle of his sentence like he had said "the magic words". The boy bit his lip in anticipation and was waiting for a response from V, whose solemn expression was turning to annoyance with each elbow. V eventually gave in to the boy.

    "Fine, just this once." V mumbled and sighed quietly.

    The boy clasped his hands once again happily. Looking around the now empty lobby, he nodded to V and both of them quickly removed their shirts to reveal another shirt that was black with a large red "R" at the center of it. The boy revealed a tape player and turned it on, causing an orchestrated anthem to play.

    "You ignorantly ask us who we are!" began the boy loudly, his hands on his hips.

    "The answer is in our radiating admonition!" said V, arms crossed and straining to speak as loud as his partner.

    "We are crimson, the sanguine of color of justice." said the boy softly this time, his finger tips placed on his lowered forehead. He faced sideways with his back towards V.

    "We are infinite, the purging sword of corruption." said V, returning to his solemn tone. He too faced sideways with his back towards the boy.

    "Our legacy will be heralded across the cosmos!" said both of them as they raised an arm upwards as if they were accepting something from the heavens.

    "The partisan of prudence, Rocket-P!" said the boy proudly, hands on hips once more and turning his body to face him.

    "The partisan of vigilance, Rocket-V!" said V, straining to speak loudly again and turning to face him as well.

    Both of them thrust their arms in unison upwards diagonally towards each other as if revealing an invisible object just above them.

    "Know now and forever the emblem of supremacy, Team Rocket!" shouted the duo together.

    End of Act 8

  25. #25
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    Quote Originally Posted by Caduceus Brigade View Post
    He closed his eyes for a second, longing to drive his hand through her chest to fondle those heart-strings once more to the mermaid's melody.
    You know, your character is creepy enough for me to read this as both literal and metaphorical. I’m sure it’s also a euphemism. “Fondle” was a good word choice if it is. Either way, still obsessively creepy.

    Being praised from someone other than Kasumi or without her presence there to hear was a waste of breath. He would've at least accepted the sisters' praising since it would be forwarded to Kasumi. The blue haired boy's praise was likely his way to get him to listen and be more opened to accept their invitation.
    I like this bit. It’s insightful in one way for your character, who obviously could see through the praise as a way to get him to pay attention, and insightful in another way that that praise could have been used to his advantage had Kasumi, or even her sisters been around to hear it.

    "You ignorantly ask us who we are!" began the boy loudly, his hands on his hips.

    "The answer is in our radiating admonition!" said V, arms crossed and straining to speak as loud as his partner.

    "We are crimson, the sanguine of color of justice." said the boy softly this time, his finger tips placed on his lowered forehead. He faced sideways with his back towards V.

    "We are infinite, the purging sword of corruption." said V, returning to his solemn tone. He too faced sideways with his back towards the boy.

    "Our legacy will be heralded across the cosmos!" said both of them as they raised an arm upwards as if they were accepting something from the heavens.

    "The partisan of prudence, Rocket-P!" said the boy proudly, hands on hips once more and turning his body to face him.

    "The partisan of vigilance, Rocket-V!" said V, straining to speak loudly again and turning to face him as well.

    Both of them thrust their arms in unison upwards diagonally towards each other as if revealing an invisible object just above them.

    "Know now and forever the emblem of supremacy, Team Rocket!" shouted the duo together.
    Bahaha, that’s great. I suppose this is what you meant in your author’s note. I’m trying to figure out if you did want this section to have huge words, or you were stressed in trying to find words that had a certain amount of syllables to create some sort of rhythm and worked with a “Team Rocket” sort of motto. Though we haven't seen much of P and V (I believe), they do have a sort of interesting chemistry. P is such a different character compared to your main character and V. It's strangely refreshing how energetic and happy he is, especially considering what his job is (which kind of makes it funnier). You do handle him well; he's not a caricature of happy happy happy and seems to be wise/serious when the moment calls for it.

    I feel like I'm starting to get repetitive with my comments on your main character. I mean, there's only so many ways I can say how complex your character is with his multiple levels of plots on top of plots on top of plots. That and this act didn't really reveal anything new anything considering it's set up for the main arc. You did tie up the loose ends nicely, though, and made it fascinating to read with your character's thoughts and narrative peppered in there. I particularly liked his thoughts on P and the start of his "invitation."

    Plus that motto is just win.

    I probably have mentioned this before, but I do like the way you handle pacing. Not a lot of information is thrown at us at once, but it's still enough for us to ponder over. It's strangely relaxed in one way but intense in others.
    Last edited by Breezy; 14th April 2011 at 4:17 AM.

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