View Poll Results: Which one if these ideas do you think is the best?

Voters
15. You may not vote on this poll
  • The story Professor Birch.

    3 20.00%
  • Revic's new adventures

    0 0%
  • A story about Cilan, Cress and Chilli

    5 33.33%
  • A story based on the war Lt surge mentions.

    6 40.00%
  • A journey fic based on my saphire adventures

    1 6.67%
  • A story about Pokemon who don't want to be caught.

    1 6.67%
Multiple Choice Poll.
Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 25 of 29

Thread: Regional conflict: The 5 sacred stones (PG13)

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Location
    Derby, UK
    Posts
    117

    Default Regional conflict: The 5 sacred stones (PG13)

    Hi. I had an idea for a great fan fiction, and then I changed it due to characters and now I've decided it's good enough to write. So here it is, the first chapter (I decided not to do a prologue). Please critise and review- I'd love to know how I can improve.

    Edit: Now that I am well into the story, I shall post some special stuff up here. Firstly, this story should have around 20 chapters. Please do my poll, as that will effect the ending of thus story and the next one that I write. Please review so that I will improve. Here is a chapter list, now I have links that hopefully work.
    Chapter list:
    1. The stone of mystery (On this post)
    2. The mission revealed - http://www.serebiiforums.com/showpos...19&postcount=4
    3. Battles for friendship - http://www.serebiiforums.com/showpos...48&postcount=5
    4. The forest of wonder - http://www.serebiiforums.com/showpos...05&postcount=8
    5. The forest guardian - http://www.serebiiforums.com/showpos...9&postcount=16
    6. The first stone - http://www.serebiiforums.com/showpos...6&postcount=17
    7. Triple trouble - http://www.serebiiforums.com/showpos...0&postcount=20
    8. Flashback ferry (First bit on second page)
    9. The ruins of the ancient sea tribe (I can't link it yet )
    Coming soon...
    10. The tides of terror (coming by Friday 25)
    11. The past of Revic Vantula - young memories
    12. The past of Revic Vantula - the harsh world

    Chapter 1: The Stone of Mystery

    The cracked, old mountain wall crumbled away, sending rocks flying in all directions. The pieces of stone disturbed some resting Aron, but the rocks were soon to be the least of their concerns. Three mysterious figures crawled their way through the cave, without a care of what they were standing on. The Aron weren’t happy – naturally they started to attack the peculiar intruders to their lifelong home. But one of the people, a rather ugly woman, who was obviously under weight, got out a strange device in her hand that the Aron had never seen before. And with a flash, a large Camel like creature had appeared. It had a big, angry face, and three humps that looked like the tip of a volcano. It was red, apart from three blue o's on both sides of it's body.

    The people jogged through the cave, smashing any Aron that tried to stop them out of the way. They reached the end of the Mountain tunnel, and a large, muscular man used another one of the devices to call out a creature that looked very similar to the figures. It hand a large, brown head, and brown shoulder pads. It's hands were red balls of power, and it had little shoes and clothes.

    “Hitmonchan!” it cried, shattering the wall like they had before. The Aron weren’t going to stand for this – their leader ordered an attack on the weird intruders. The people exited through they’re newly created exit, ordering the camel to do something.

    “Camerupt!” it roared, and the Aron were bombed by a large eruption of lava, knocking them all to the side of the mountain core.

    “Destroy the cave.” snapped the woman to the third person, a small and tubby man who you might mistake for a gnome if you were slightly drunk.

    The last thing the Aron remembered was giant rocks tumbling down from their cave, the cave they had peacefully lived in for all their lives. And yet they were all killed mercilessly by the creatures in red uniform.
    __________________________________________________ ________________________

    Ten minutes or so later, a muscular arm pushed it’s way through the now crumbled entrance. It was soon followed by another, both desparately pushing their way through. Surprisingly, the rocks did scatter back into the fallen cave roof, revealing the owner of the arms.

    The man was Revic Vantula. He was quite young, in his late teens, which a giant mop of hair that flopped down over his perculiar olive eyes. He wiped blood from his long nose which one of his bony hands, and started trying to dig again. Dust went flying everywhere onto his posh suit, and he sighed in defeat.

    Stupid Team Magma he thought to himself, as he reached to push away some more rocks. He was careful not to knock the giant shield strapped to his back, as then he would be crushed by the fallen rocks above him. Thank God for Professor Birch’s crazy inventions Came his thought stream. Finally, he managed to brush away the rocks and was shocked at what he saw.

    An Aron was lying under crushed under the rocks. Revic, who obviously cared for it, tried to feel for a pulse on the metal creature's little body. But it had already had its last breath. The heartless pigs He growled in his mind, as he edged backwards a bit to think of what to do next. Suddenly, he felt a peculiar pain in his lungs.

    “Not again!” he gasped into the darkness, as the scene around him appeared to change.

    Revic found himself back as his younger self, hiding in a corner of a giant, colourful room as a middle aged man strode slowly towards him. The room was surprisingly bare, apart from a small bed with a pokeball pattern on it.

    “Were you stroking that Sneasel?” snarled the man, towering over the whimpering boy. Revic was too terrified to answer, afraid at what his father would do to him.

    “Answer me, boy!” shouted the man, who was wearing a very dark suit. He already knew the answer.

    Revic was hit out of the way by a blinding fast punch to the side of his skull.

    “Pokemon are tools, to be used for money, and for your own power!” bellowed the Man.

    “You don’t understand…” spoke the child quietly.

    “Do I not?” exploded Revic’s father, who now threw a spare pokeball at his son’s head. Luckily he had never been any good at throwing, although he’d certainly had more than enough practise. Revic’s father now stood over him, ready to kick…

    A soft bleeping noise brought Revic’s horrible daydream to a close, and the young man stayed still, panting for a while. Then finally, he reached and answered his communicator.

    “Hi Revic!” came a cheery voice from the other end of the line.

    “What are you calling me for, Clane,” Revic snarled back.

    “Whoa there, Mr Temper!” the slightly annoying voice chimed back. “I just wanted to check your progress on getting to the centre of the mountain to stop team Magma.”

    “I haven’t a clue where I am. They’ve destroyed most of the caves. And what really makes me sick is the fact that there was Pokemon in this one. How’s Beri doing?”

    “Beri?” Clane replied, searching through his large collection of memories and thoughts. “Oh, that young girl who went in with you. Oh, she’s doing fine chasing Team Aqua.”

    Revic was instantly annoyed. He’d been doing this kind of exploration for over a year, and yet a complete novice was outclassing him.

    “Well, I’m stuck in a clapsed cave, Clane,” he growled back. He wasn’t in particularly having a good day, and his current situation didn’t help.

    “Why didn’t you use Sneasel to dig?” said Clane, making it sound like Revic had been stupid not to do it in the first point.

    “Clane, you know me well enough to know I hate making Pokemon work.”

    “Hang on.” paused Clane, getting another transmission. “The Base has detected a large object moving towards you. It’s likely to be an Onix.”
    Revic knew what he had to do know. Sighing as he angrily reached for his pokeball, he let out his favourite catchphrase.

    “Drat.”

    From the other side of the transmission, Clane smiled.
    “Get’s him every time.”
    __________________________________________________ ________________________

    Meanwhile, in the middle of the mountain, another wall was destroyed, and the three team magma member’s climbed out.

    “We appear to of reached the centre of the mountain, boss.” grunted the muscular man.

    “Excellent.” squealed the woman, their boss. “And the stone is in the middle of the chamber, look!” In the middle of the giant chamber was a rock pillar with a hole in the middle, and in the centre of the hole was a shining yellow stone.

    “We need the stone to paint it Red and to trick those people guarding the stone that we need for Groudon, right?” the dwarf squeaked.

    “Why don’t we just knock them out of the way and steal the real one?” asked the muscular man, who was obviously lacking in the brain department.

    “Because then we’ll get the police onto us.” the woman snapped.

    “But why this stone?” the bigger man tried asking.

    “Because this is the only stone in the whole world that gives out the exactly the same readings on a particle checking device as the red and blue orbs,” the woman angrily replied. “And now we need to grab it before team Aqua arrives!”

    “Too late!” came an old voice from the other side of the room, and the three team magma members looked up to see who it was.

    Unfortunately for them, they had been so busy talking that three Team Aqua members had entered in, with a Swampert too. Swampert was a ugly, large mud dwelling creature, with little glaring eyes and a large red tail that curled round it's behind.

    “Give us the stone!” growled a very tall man, who looked a bit like Waluigi without a moustache. (Waluigi is an extremely tall man with a large nose) “Or Swampert will blow you sky high out of the mountain!

    “You think you have the advantage?” the ugly Team Magma woman snarled back. Then, she clicked her fingers and their Hitmonchan, who had been trailing behind them, walked in. “You use Swampert on us, and Hitmonchan will destroy you!”

    “Stalemate!” cried a young Team Aqua woman.

    “You always spoil our plans,” someone said.

    As the two teams began arguing, they were unaware that they were being watched. Flat against another pillar, Beri stood, silently listening to them. She was 14 years old, and wore clothes fashionable for girls her age. She swished her dull, brown hair out of her shining blue eyes. She had always hated the colour of her hair; she had always wanted an exciting colour. She was quite pretty, even though she was moderately young.

    And hidden behind another pillar, watching her was Revic. That must be Beri, that Unova professor’s daughter he thought. She doesn’t look like she should have been able to do this well, he paused his thoughts, studying the girl. I can’t mark her down on clothes he thought, as they had both been called away from an important meeting to stop the evil teams. Beri was wearing a T-shirt and rather small skirt – hardly the gear for climbing through a mountain. She’s certainly pretty , finished Revic’s thoughts, as he crept over to greet her.

    Revic grabbed the girl’s mouth, stopping her from screaming out in surprise.

    “It’s me, Revic, your team mate.” whispered Revic, letting the girl free.

    “You could have been friendlier!” the girl replied, frustrated at her partner. “They’re just over there.”

    “I noticed.” cut off Revic, smiling at the fact that although Beri had been doing well so far, it was more due to luck than skill. Well, that was his consolation. “I think we should intervene soon. Call out your Pokemon and follow my lead.”

    Team Aqua and Team Magma were now steaming mad at each other, arguing crazily. Even their Pokemon were bickering pointlessly. Finally they stopped their talking, and thought logically. Hitmonchan fired a focus blast at Swampert, who retaliated with a mud bomb. Both of the team leaders dashed for the stone, and were very surprised when their hands got frozen together in a block of ice.

    The shocked leaders turned to see Revic standing proudly by the pillar, with Sneasel confident at his side.

    “Well, well, well!” snarled the Magma boss. “Somebody got lost on the way to a work party.”

    “And that’s coming from a man who has been acting like an angry Piplup with a lost pride.” Revic tossed one of his favourite insults at the dangerous man, not scared at all. Beri certainly was, as she watched from behind their stone pillar.

    “Why don’t you just leave us be and go back to your youth club” shouted the team Aqua boss, who was annoyed that the ice block had ruined her expensive nail colouring.

    “Never!” Revic cried back. “And I can shout just as loud as you!”

    With that, Sneasel cried out and launched a dark pulse attack at the ice block holding the two bosses arms together, and this catapulted them into the wall. Hitmonchan Sprinted angrily up to the ice weasel, and tried to hit it with a fire punch, but Sneasel dodged lightning quick, and hit the humanoid thing with a well aimed brick break. Revic made a dash to get the stone, but he was hit out of the way by Swampert’s surf, which also sent Sneasel and Hitmonchan up against the cave wall. The dwarf man called back the fainted Hitmonchan, and sent out his Camerupt.

    By now, the other member’s of the evil teams had recovered completely and all tried to get the stone, and Beri knew she had to do something.

    “Oshawott, water gun!” she screamed, hoping to stop them. However, it was the scream itself that distracted them - The little blue and white otter's water attack was so weak that it didn't even reach them! Oshawott loooked down at it's flat feet, shaking it's little head and holding it's shell. Revic sprinted forward, this time succeeding in grabbing the stone, and he turned to make for the exit. Sneasel had managed to knock out Swampert as well now, but Revic could see that his trusty partner was getting weak.

    “Quick, to the exit!” yelled the teenager, making a dash for one of the holes in the cave that the teams had made. He was followed by Beri (who was carrying her untrained Oshawott) and Sneasel.

    “No!” Revic cried in despair, as he realised that he had chosen the route created by team magma, and it was blocked by rock fall. He turned back to see that the teams were advancing on them. He knew what he had to do.

    “Sneasel, Ice beam!” he bellowed. The Team members had only the time to gasp in shock before they were all frozen solid. Revic smiled, punching the air in joy.

    “You can’t do that!” Beri stated, surprised at her team mates cruelty.

    “Can’t I?” Revic carelessly replied. “We have the stone. They can’t cause havoc with a legendary Pokemon.”

    “That’s just cold blooded murder, leaving them like that,” Beri angrily sulked, and before Revic could stop her, she had released a Pansear, a red monkey with a flame shaped quiff and a cocky attitude, to thaw them out. Revic was very relieved that they were unconscious, and so they couldn’t stop them. He was overjoyed that he had actually completed the mission and could get out of the damp, cramped mountain centre. And then his heart sank as he suddenly remembered an important fact.

    “How in the name of Arceus are we going to get out?”
    Last edited by NinjaScepSneasel; 20th March 2011 at 11:27 PM. Reason: Some missed descriptions now, my luck is just brilliant.
    A group of 10 special trainers have been essembled by Professor Birch in a unexplored land. Their mission - to find some special stones to stop Team Magma and Team Aqua from getting them so that the professors can start their indistrialisation of the place. Follow their adventures in "Regional Conflict - The Five Sacred Stones. Please read, and review :)Here is the link. http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?t=482753 Last chapter - Chapter 10: The Tides of Terror

    Please read my other fic, a Unova journey fic - Unova apprentices. - http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?t=498160

    VM me if you want me to review your fic.

    White is nearly done, and nearly all my generation 4 pokemon are on there.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Nov 2010
    Location
    Where I live.
    Posts
    1,358

    Default

    10/10 I luVVV it!!!!!!!!!!1

    Anyway, you could work on your pokemon descriptions. I know this is a pokemon forum, but I don't remember wahat a Camerumpt looks like very well. Nor can I perfectly remember an Aron, Hitmonchan I can, but who can't. And that REALLY doesn't sound like team Magma. They may be criminals, but they wouldn't randomly kill thousands of pokemon. And Revic's dad just doesn't seem realistic. And wouldn't there be an aggron around who would be able to both stop the magma (Yes they are that awesome, I think. Either way, it is called rock moves) and beat up the Team Magma people. And you had a bad cut off. Overall 6/10. Work on it and maybe this could be one of the classics that people on here remember for years to come. I certainly will be coming back next chapter.

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Location
    Derby, UK
    Posts
    117

    Default

    Thanks for the advice, Yeah, I realised afterwoulds that I could of done with some Pokemon descriptions. There were no Aggrons because the aron had never really had any training because they had lived peacefully in their cave for all there lives, but yeah, I guess it could of done with a lairon maybe. Revic's dad and why he treats his son badly will be revealed in due time, as will be why they were doing all that in the first place. The next chapter should arrive next week.
    A group of 10 special trainers have been essembled by Professor Birch in a unexplored land. Their mission - to find some special stones to stop Team Magma and Team Aqua from getting them so that the professors can start their indistrialisation of the place. Follow their adventures in "Regional Conflict - The Five Sacred Stones. Please read, and review :)Here is the link. http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?t=482753 Last chapter - Chapter 10: The Tides of Terror

    Please read my other fic, a Unova journey fic - Unova apprentices. - http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?t=498160

    VM me if you want me to review your fic.

    White is nearly done, and nearly all my generation 4 pokemon are on there.

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Location
    Derby, UK
    Posts
    117

    Default

    Hello again guys, here is the next chapter, but first, I shall do some talking. Firstly, sorry for the lack of explaination in the first chapter, a lot is explained in this cahpter. Secondly, it is PG 13 due to stuff that happens later on. Well, I hope you enjoy it!

    Chapter 2 – The Mission Revealed

    The sun shone gently through the blinds, which made Revic get up. The small boy searched around his colourful room for his new uniform. I love being little smiled the happy boy. Today was the child’s first day at school, and he was extremely excited.

    “Come on Revic, it’s time for school,” came the voice of his older brother, who had finished his time at the school and was about to start his Pokemon journey. On the way downstairs, Revic passed the family Sneasel, who was sadly sitting on the fourth step, grooming its head feather. Its stone on its body glistened around the blackness of its skin. Sneasel seemed to be pointing him out of the house with its many claws, leading him forwards in his destiny. Today is the day Revic sighed inside. I’ll finally learn more about Pokemon!

    Soon, Revic had reached the school and had arrived in a large, rundown playground. It was strangely blank however, and all the way around the school and playground was a void of complete whiteness. Revic ran as fast as his tiny legs would let him go, and soon he was standing within a large crowd of other kids.

    “Hi, I’m Revic!” the child smiled, eager to make friends.

    “I’m Greg.” a taller child with very short hair replied. “Aren’t you the gym leader’s son?”

    Revic nodded, proud at his already known status. And then the school bell rang, and a young woman came running out of the building with a little stick.

    “Come on children, get inside.” she said, in that patronizing voice that little children always get from their teachers.

    Suddenly Revic found himself back in his 17 year old form, and nowhere near a school. He was floating in a blue, spiralling void. I must be in my dreams Revic figured out.

    “Correct,” came a high pitched voice, echoing around the vortex.

    “Who’s there?” asked Revic, wanting to escape back to reality.

    “Your destiny,” breathed the voice. “You must do exactly as you are told, and you will be lead to me.”

    “And what if I don’t?” Revic tested his dream.

    “Then you will find him.” the voice screamed out the last word, causing Revic to fall, seemingly endlessly, shouting out into the void as he accelerated in his plummet…

    Revic sat up, breathing heavily. Wretched nightmares, he growled in his heart.

    “Did you have a bad dream again?” Clane said, although he didn’t seem particularly bothered; he was used to Revic’s nightmares. The room the boys were in was a medium sized, modern room, with newly painted white walls and massive windows. The only things in the room were two beds and some drawers for their clothes.

    “What time is it?” Revic asked his friend.

    “Early morning,” Clane carelessly replied – he was busy reading a massive book entitled “How to be a gym leader”.

    Clane King was 16 years old, and always wanted to know more about Pokemon. He had scruffy blonde hair, which he wasn’t bothered about. His thin glasses rested gently on his small nose, and they made his rather dull eyes look considerably smaller. All in all, he was actually quite good looking, although he had never had a girlfriend due to his weird sounding voice.

    “Have you been up all night?” Revic wondered, as he got changed into a blue pair of jeans, and a black T-shirt.

    “Most of it,” Clane replied. “There’s a meeting in some hall in about half an hours time, and we need to attend.” Revic nodded, and started thinking back over the events of the previous day.

    Revic and his best friend Clane had been taken off to a far off place, much further north than Kanto and Johto, to a research centre at the bottom of a mountain. They had been flown there in an aeroplane, a sort of flying vehicle that Revic had never seen before. They had been told that the Aeroplanes were from a newly contacted region called Unova, and Revic had been amazed at how many uncontacted places were being discovered. Professor Birch, a friend of Revic’s had started telling the ten people why they were there, but then they had been interrupted by reports from a bigger research centre. These reports said that whilst they had been scanning the local mountain, they had noticed some people digging in to get a stone in the middle. They had then realised all the facts about the stone, and Revic had volunteered to go and stop the people, who had been identified as Team Aqua and Team Magma.

    After they had succeeded, they were rescued by Professor Birch, who had drilled small tunnel to where the children were and sent a pokeball containing a Ralts to Transport them to a bigger research lab. They had then been shown to their rooms and, without any further explaination, been left there for the night. And now, the boys were heading off through the shiny corridors to the viewing hall, where their meeting was to be held.

    Soon, Revic and Clane had arrived in the small hall, and had sat down in two of the ten chairs. Revic was awestruck by the amazing views of the valley surrounding the centre. It was filled with mountains of all different rocky shades, and each of them was covered in countless forests. Many glistening rivers flower down the rocky slopes and meandered away into the distance.

    “Why did you have to bring that book?” Revic sighed, partly to himself, as he noticed Clane reading again.

    “Revic!” a man's cry rang out, startling Revic, and he turned around to see his friend Professor Birch.

    “Don’t do that again,” Revic growled, instead of giving a polite reply.

    “Sorry,” apoligised the Professor. “Did my rock shield work?”
    Revic nodded.

    “Excellent!” cried the professor. “I knew I could rely on my old friend Mr…”

    “Don’t use my second name,” interupted Revic. “You know what people would think of me.”

    “Sorry, I forgot to call you Vantula like I promised,” sighed the Professor. “Well, I’m glad you could make it. I’m sure you can’t wait to find out what you’re doing here, eh?

    “I only came because the invitation was from you,” Revic replied.

    “I’m flattered. Well, I need to go and talk to our scientists. See you in a bit!”

    Revic watched the man walk out through a side door, and Revic was tempted to follow. But he remembered his dream for some reason, and found himself sitting down next to Clane. What are you doing? It’s your mind, Revic! It’s all in your mind! he argued with his consciousness. But the consciousness won.
    __________________________________________________ ________________________

    Revic daydreamed away the next half hour, and when he snapped back into reality, the room was now nearly full up with people. The door opened, and a girl hurriedly ran in, sitting next to Revic.

    “Is anyone sat here?” the girl asked Revic.

    “Not that I’m aware of,” murmured Revic, who still wasn’t 100% there.

    “I’m Paige.” the girl said, but before she could continue, she was aware that Professor Birch had entered the room.

    Paige was quite tall, with ridiculously long legs. At least she has the decency to cover them thought Revic, indicating to a rather ugly older girl sitting on the far right. That girl was wearing a crop top, tiny blue shorts and enough make up to give a Donphan a colour change. Paige, on the other hand was wearing a jacket, which blended nicely with her long, jet black hair, and some jeggins.

    “Ehem!” grunted Birch, bringing everyone’s attention to the figure of authority. “Greetings. As many of you are aware, I am Professor Birch, one of the best acclaimed professors in the known Pokemon world. Most of you will still be wondering what you are doing here, and I am about to explain everything.”

    “We, meaning me and Professor Oak, have recently been studying this area, which if you didn’t know is in the mainland north of Kanto and Johto. We have realised that this area could reveal many secrets about Pokemon that we didn’t know before, and also has the perfect nutrients to start a new urbanised region. We decided that we should make a lab here and start our plans straight away. This is our lab, finished only a few weeks ago thanks to all the Gurdurrs and Machokes who helped out.”

    “However, soon we were aware that we were not alone in this new land. We had dangerous encounters with members of Team Magma and Team Aqua, who we thought had been disbanded by my daughter. It seems that they have reformed, and have made new bases somewhere in this land.”

    “Anyway, we wondered why they were here, and we soon found out. Whilst using some high tech equipment for scanning the area, we realised that there was a very powerful stone deep inside one of the nearby forests. When we went to explore, we were stopped by an old man, who explained to us about the legends of this area. There are five of these stones, hidden throughout the valley. Alone, these rocks are harmless, but when assembled together in a special temple they are said to be able to call the creator of the world to your service.”

    “Team Aqua and Team Magma must be after these stones, and that’s where you come in. We need you ten talented young people to find these stones for us before Team Magma and Team Aqua can get the, for their deeds. Among our team here is the respected Professor Oak, Former champion of the Hoenn region Steven and the three elderly gym leaders Blane, Wattson and Pryce. We hope you can help us.”

    “Now, has anyone got any questions?” finished the Professor. Birch was glad that the ten people had been paying complete attention to him, and hadn’t got distracted like people had in his past speeches. He now had time to pause and look at his colleagues chosen people. There were six boys, and four girls, and they had an age range from about 14 to 22. Professor Oak chose well Birch smiled to himself.

    “Excuse me,” came a sneering voice from an older boy. He was wearing posh clothes and had perfectly styled short ginger hair. “I have a question. Where are these stones anyway?”

    “Well, we haven’t managed to track down some of them,” admitted Birch. “But our scientists are trying very hard to pinpoint the locations. We know that there is a stone in the forest Oak and I first went to, and we have found out that there is one hidden in the basement of an ancient mansion. Sorry I couldn’t help.”

    “You should be,” muttered the boy under his breath. “Will we be searching together or in small groups?”

    “Well, tomorrow you will all search the forest, but from then onwards you will be divided into two teams. Now, when you leave the room, you will be given a map of the complex. You can spend today getting used to your new home.”

    Slowly, the audience filed out of the room, leaving only Revic, who was thinking about everyone who had been in the meeting. He scrolled through his photographic memory, looking at everyone. First there are those two quiet people, then Clane, Me and that Paige girl. And on the other side, that Ugly girl, Beri and the posh person with his mates. Revic smiled – he had correctly remembered everything.

    “How did I do, Revic?” Birch asked his friend.

    “You did well. Thanks for the explanation.” Revic replied.

    “I’m glad I could help,” grinned the man, shaking Revic’s hand. Then they parted ways.

    Oblivious to them, a tiny creature had been observing them from the corner of the room. It was a small, brown lump with a big nose, and it was painted a very dark red.

    “Diglett!” cried the Diglett, disappearing down it’s hole carrying a sound recording device on its head. Team Magma would be proud.
    __________________________________________________ ________________________

    Meanwhile on the other side of the valley, people in a red uniform strolled down newly built corridors. The three members who had been in the mountain were among the group. They had woken up in the mountain to find their stone, and the pesky kids, gone. I knew Maxie should have let us have a whole team of people the Woman thought to herself. Stupid Pokemon. I hate them, all of them! They just get in the way!

    “What are you thinking about?” asked the dumb muscle man.

    “Pokemon. And their stupid ways. The world would be better if they were all dead.”

    “That’s why you made us kill all those Aron.”

    “Well done, Einstein,” The group arrived at a large door, and a relatively young member knocked on the door.

    “Come in,” said a deep voice from within, and the three members from the mountain entered, leaving the others to return to their work.

    “I hope you bring me good news, Teal,” Maxie turned on his classic villains chair to face them. Maxie’s office was a small room, with darkened windows and a large table with lots of paperwork on. Teal, the woman, was extremely nervous about breaking the news to their boss.

    “Well, there is good news and bad news,” she spluttered.

    “Go on,” Maxie encouraged.

    “The good news is that Team Aqua didn’t get the stone,”

    “Excellent!” roared Maxie, forgetting the second part for a second.

    “But the bad news is that… neither did we!”

    “WHAT?” Maxie exploded, slamming his arms down on his table.

    Maxie would of proceeded in attacking his underlings if he hadn’t of been interrupted by his Diglett.

    “Diglett!” it screeched, moving towards Maxie with it’s sound footage.

    “Ah, Diglett. What have you brought me? Did you get into that suspicious new building in our new domain?” Diglett nodded, and Maxie took the sound recorder from it’s head, sending it off. He started to play it, and the three minions huddled around to see hear too.

    “Hmm, so the professors think they can claim our land, eh?” snarled Maxie. We’ll see about that!” They continued listening, and they were amazed by the story about the stones.

    “So they think we’re after those rocks? They sound very interesting. But really, we’ve just set up base here, haven’t we?” the Dwarf said.

    “Yes.” smiled Maxie, thinking up a plan. “I say we turn our plans towards these stones, and then we will be able to do our bidding with Groudon and rid the land of Team Aqua and these professors!”

    “Stop the tape!” cried Teal and Maxie stopped it. “Rewind it a bit,” Maxie did as she said, although he wondered what she was doing.

    “How did I do, Revic?”

    “Revic!” shouted Teal. “That’s the boy who stole our Groudon stone!”

    “So the professors already oppose us.” Maxie thought out loud, as the tape finished. “We’ll set off for the forest as soon as possible! Out of my room!” Teal and her team rushed out of the office, sighing in relief that they hadn’t been hurt by their angry boss. Inside, Maxie grinned evilly. This creator shall be ours! And nothing will stop us!
    Last edited by NinjaScepSneasel; 28th February 2011 at 9:16 PM. Reason: PERIODS TAKING OVER THE WORLD! They were stopped by the amazing IanDonyer - thanks.
    A group of 10 special trainers have been essembled by Professor Birch in a unexplored land. Their mission - to find some special stones to stop Team Magma and Team Aqua from getting them so that the professors can start their indistrialisation of the place. Follow their adventures in "Regional Conflict - The Five Sacred Stones. Please read, and review :)Here is the link. http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?t=482753 Last chapter - Chapter 10: The Tides of Terror

    Please read my other fic, a Unova journey fic - Unova apprentices. - http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?t=498160

    VM me if you want me to review your fic.

    White is nearly done, and nearly all my generation 4 pokemon are on there.

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Location
    Derby, UK
    Posts
    117

    Default

    Hello again, I finished chapter 3 yesterday, but I wanted to hold back to let people review. It is vital that you review, as this will let me improve. Whether you think "Wow, that's good!" or "Jee. This is pretty boring" or even "Oh lord, that was terrible!". I still need to know so that I can improve. Anyway here is chapter 3, a chapter that is a lot shorter than my first two.

    Chapter 3 – Battles For Friendship

    “The training room,” Clane read from his map, looking up into the large room that they had just entered. “This room is for you to train your Pokemon before going out exploring.”

    “You could tell that in the name, Clane,” Revic snapped.

    The large room was painted a dark brown, and was filled with many different pieces of equipment for training. There was punch bags, different type attack simulation rooms (Rooms where you could practise against certain type attacks), a giant battle ring and a massive obstacle course.

    “It looks awesome!” Clane gasped.

    “Yes, amazing,” Revic sighed – he wasn’t so enthusiastic.

    “Oh come on Revic! Pokemon battling isn’t making Pokemon work! It’s a sport!”

    “How would you like to be damaged by your worst nightmare? How would you like to go through torture and pain everyday? Pokemon are like us, Clane. They have feelings.” Clane gave his friend a weird look, shrugged and then sent out his Pokemon. Out came his Abra, a small humanoid, yellow creature which was normaly sleepy due to its massive brain. It curled its tail sleepily around his Hoothoot, an owl like creature. Hoothoots normally stand on one leg, and their eyebrows look a bit like arrows. Clane’s Hoothoot was extremely energetic, and it was now jumping up and down, hooting loudly.

    “Alright guys! Let’s give this obstacle course a go!” Clane called, and the three of them rushed off to the course, leaving Revic to think. Revic called out his Sneasel, who was combing it’s feathers with it’s claws. Revic knelt down next to his friend.

    “Sneasel,” Revic asked, “Do you enjoy battling?” Sneasel thought for a second, and then nodded enthusiastically. Maybe I was a bit wrong Revic debated to himself. Maybe it’s all right for Pokemon to battle.

    “Hey, Mop-head!” a sneering voice came from the battle arena, causing Revic to look up. Standing there was the ginger boy from earlier. “Let’s see what you’re made of.”

    Revic was not a person to forgive insults lightly, and he angrily agreed to battle. The boys stood just outside of the arena, readying their Pokemon. Revic was slightly nervous – he knew that if he lost he would be teased by the other boy for the rest of his time searching for the stones.

    “Alright, come on out Houndoom!” cried the older boy, calling out a giant, pitch black dog with bones lined across its back.

    “Nice choice, Hamish.” one of his followers remarked, and Hamish nodded.

    “Come on then, Sneasel!” Revic sent Sneasel up to the arena and the battle began.

    Houndoom started off by using a flamethrower attack, which Sneasel easily dodged with its agility. Sneasel replied with a brick break, which surprised Hamish and knocked out his Houndoom.

    “No way! My precious Pokemon!” gasped Hamish, in shock that he had already lost his first Pokemon.

    “That Sneasel is awesomely strong,” commented Hamish’s friend. “Use Hariyama next.”

    “Ok, Don,” Hamish said, calling out his next Pokemon. The creature looked a bit like a humanoid, orange sumo wrestler. Hariyama Clenched it’s fists together – signalling to Sneasel that he was going to be smashed to bits.

    “Arm thrust!” cried Hamish and the hulking creature lunged several times at the ice weasel. However, it only hit Sneasel twice. Sneasel retaliated with another brick break, which was stopped by Hariyama copying it. It was now a matter of arm strength – whoever was stronger would win.

    Hamish watched in disbelief as his Hariyama was launched into the side of arena, unconscious.

    “I forfeit the match!” Hamish moaned. Grabbing his pokeballs, he stormed out of the room, followed by his two friends.

    “Well done, Sneasel!” cheered Revic. He was surprised that he had enjoyed the battle. I should start challenging the gym leaders! Revic smiled to himself.

    “Well battled!” Paige said, from the corner of the room.

    “So you were watching me?” Revic asked, and the girl nodded.

    “You were very impressive. I’d like to battle you too.”

    “And me!” murmured someone else, the quiet girl from the meeting.

    Oh dear. sighed Revic. I can see where this is going. Everybody wants to battle me.
    __________________________________________________ ________________________

    Soon, Revic had battled and defeated the quiet girl, who was called Lucy, and Clane.

    “I think it’s my turn now.” called Paige impatiently.

    “Very well. Bring it on!” Revic exclaimed. He had been doing excellent, and he had easily defeated everyone he had faced. Paige took her position, and took out a Pokeball.

    “I’m the daughter of Byron, the Sinnoh gym leader.” She remarked. “I’m not going to be easy, you know.”

    “That’s what they all say.” Revic smiled, saluting to Sneasel. The Ice Weasel climbed up onto the big arena, and waited for Paige’s Pokemon choice.

    “Hippowdon, I choose you!” She cried as her Large, Brown hippo emerged. It crunched its humungous jaws together menacingly, and gave Sneasel a hard stare from it’s large red eyes. Sand poured from its large body, and soon everyone hastily retreated inside some of the simulation chambers to avoid the sandstorm.

    Hippowdon was ordered to use crunch, and it charged towards Sneasel, with its jaws moving up and down like giant scissors. Sneasel looked for somewhere to dodge, but he was hit full on by the powerful Crunch attack. Revic growled; it was the first piece of major damage Sneasel had received that day. Sneasel blasted the hippo with Ice beam, and it struggled to survive the sudden chill surrounding it. Hippowdon tried to slam Sneasel full force with a double edge, but Sneasel got out of the way this time, and the hippo crashed into the edge of the arena, knocking itself out. That was close! Revic thought.

    “Ok, Omaster, it’s your turn!” From the Pokeball emerged a tentacled creature with a massive Rock shell on its back. Hydro pump was launched from its cross shaped mouth, and Sneasel narrowly managed to dodge it, laying a Brick break hard on the fossil creatures shell. Sneasel thought it had already won, but Omaster slammed it from behind with Rollout. Sneasel managed to get up, and was face with the shelled Pokemon rolling at a high speed towards it. Sneasel brick breaked the creature again, and it was defeated.

    Paige’s next choice was a Forretress, a large floating bug encased in a steel ball with turrets. Sneasel easily weakened it with yet another Brick Break. Once again, Sneasel thought it had won too soon, and it was blasted by Forretress’s suicidal explosion. Sneasel was once again launched into the far corner of the arena, and it wobbled as it got up. Sneasel is getting weak Revic worried.

    “OK, it’s time to battle, Aggron!” Paige exclaimed as she sent out the colossal metal Pokemon. The animal was cloaked in sturdy steel that shined slightly under the lights. It had two horns protruding from its angry looking head, and rings of steel around its legs. It brought back angry memories of the dead Aron in the cave.

    Aggron lead off with a metal claw attack, which Sneasel narrowly dodged. Sneasel then tried to use its brick break, but the weasel was blasted in the face by a gyro ball, and it lay, defeated in the corner.

    “Send out your next Pokemon then.” encouraged Paige.

    “Erm… Sneasel is my only Pokemon. You win!”

    The audience let out silent gasps – their favourite battler had been defeated, and he only had one Pokemon.

    “That’s why your Sneasel is so strong.” smiled Paige, who had thought that she was losing because her Pokemon were weak.

    “I guess it is.” said Revic, sheepishly. It must of got strong when we did all that exercise in Professor Birch’s place. I’ve only really battle if I had to, or for protection. Revic thought to himself.

    “So, want to go for a bite to eat?” asked Paige?

    “Sure thing!” grinned Revic and the two of them walked off.
    __________________________________________________ ________________________

    Revic sat on his bed, munching a traditional berry cake. He had spent the day exploring the site with Paige. They had been to the science room (where they saw what the professors were up to), around the outside of the Building, and to the swimming pool. It was now dark, and everybody was heading off to bed. Clane was sat on the opposite bed, with his book.

    I’m glad I’ve made a new friend Revic let his thought stream run wild. Clane can be incredibly boring. I’m glad Sneasel enjoyed itself too. Revic suddenly noticed that Clane was acting strangely. Revic pretended to still be in deep thought, and he watched his friend check around the room, and then look out of the window. Revic was suspicious about what Clane was doing, and he hatched a plan.

    “I just need to check something, Ok?” Revic asked.

    “Ok, sure.” Clane tried to cover up the fact that he had just been gazing out of their window, and Revic walked over to it. He pretended to fiddle with the blinds (which still hadn’t been pulled down) and then looked in the direction that his friend had been looking at. He was shocked to find that Clane had been staring at Beri, who was having a late night swim. A large grin crept onto Revic’s face. Clane’s in love! Revic laughed crazily inside.

    Revic climbed back into his bed and smiled. Today has been a good day he thought. Although I don’t like how Pokemon have been forced to make this building. I wonder what tomorrow will bring. Revic cast one last look at his friend, grinned, and tried to get to sleep.
    Last edited by NinjaScepSneasel; 28th February 2011 at 9:20 PM. Reason: Commas needed.
    A group of 10 special trainers have been essembled by Professor Birch in a unexplored land. Their mission - to find some special stones to stop Team Magma and Team Aqua from getting them so that the professors can start their indistrialisation of the place. Follow their adventures in "Regional Conflict - The Five Sacred Stones. Please read, and review :)Here is the link. http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?t=482753 Last chapter - Chapter 10: The Tides of Terror

    Please read my other fic, a Unova journey fic - Unova apprentices. - http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?t=498160

    VM me if you want me to review your fic.

    White is nearly done, and nearly all my generation 4 pokemon are on there.

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Nov 2010
    Location
    Where I live.
    Posts
    1,358

    Default

    I like it NinjaScepSneasel, but there are a few things. Firstly, you could use a little work on your dialogue spacing. For example:
    Quote Originally Posted by NinjaScepSneasel View Post
    “I hope you bring me good news, Teal.” Maxie turned on his classic villains chair to face them. Maxie’s office was a small room, with darkened windows and a large table with lots of paperwork on. Teal, the woman, was extremely nervous about breaking the news to their boss.
    “Well, there is good news and bad news.” She spluttered.
    “Go on.” Maxie encouraged.
    “The Good news is that Team Aqua didn’t get the stone.”
    “Excellent!” Roared Maxie, forgetting the second part for a second.
    “But the bad news is that… neither did we.”
    “WHAT?” Maxie exploded, slamming his arms down on his table.
    should be more like:

    “I hope you bring me good news, Teal.” Maxie turned on his classic villains chair to face them. Maxie’s office was a small room, with darkened windows and a large table with lots of paperwork on. Teal, the woman, was extremely nervous about breaking the news to their boss.

    “Well, there is good news and bad news.” She spluttered.

    “Go on.” Maxie encouraged.

    “The Good news is that Team Aqua didn’t get the stone.”

    “Excellent!” Roared Maxie, forgetting the second part for a second.

    “But the bad news is that… neither did we.”

    “WHAT?” Maxie exploded, slamming his arms down on his table.


    lways double space between lines of dialogue. And you would do well with seperators of some sort between the sections. And I find Revic and his snarkiness hilarious. especially this little ditty:

    Quote Originally Posted by NinjaScepSneasel
    “The training room.” Clane read from his map, looking up into the large room that they had just entered. “This room is for you to train your Pokemon before going out exploring.”

    “You could tell that in the name, Clane.” Revic snapped.
    Keep up the good work and we could have across-over in no time. In short 7/10. In long, go back and read everything.

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Location
    Derby, UK
    Posts
    117

    Default

    Wahey! Thanks a lot for the good review, I was a little worried that people might find it a bit boring. Yeah, about the spacing, I read on another thread something about not doing double spacing, but I'll double check. (Edit - who cares what I may or may not of read? I'm going to go and edit it!) Thanks a lot. By the way, how does everyone like my style of battle writing?

    Oh and if everyone else did find the latest two episodes a bit boric, my next chapter has witty new characters and action Galore! It should be finished by the weekend.

    Edit: I finnally used my eyes and brain and saw the galreingly obvious "Edit" Button. Yes, ScepSneasel, you are a complete genius for not working that one out. I will go back and edit my chapters now.
    Last edited by NinjaScepSneasel; 8th February 2011 at 6:46 PM.
    A group of 10 special trainers have been essembled by Professor Birch in a unexplored land. Their mission - to find some special stones to stop Team Magma and Team Aqua from getting them so that the professors can start their indistrialisation of the place. Follow their adventures in "Regional Conflict - The Five Sacred Stones. Please read, and review :)Here is the link. http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?t=482753 Last chapter - Chapter 10: The Tides of Terror

    Please read my other fic, a Unova journey fic - Unova apprentices. - http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?t=498160

    VM me if you want me to review your fic.

    White is nearly done, and nearly all my generation 4 pokemon are on there.

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Location
    Derby, UK
    Posts
    117

    Default

    Hello guys, I have the next chapter, please make sure to review. I would like more reviewers so that I can improve even more! Thanks.

    Chapter 4 – The Forest of Wonder

    The rising sun lazily shone on the fallen leaves, waking up a sleepy Nidoran. Wozzat all about? it thought to itself. Ah, it’s the sun it realised. I knew that
    Nidoran got up, stretching out its tiny legs. It scratched its giant ears, and nibbled on a golden leaf. Nidorino said that gold leaves are rare. Oh well, tastier is better!

    “Hey Nidoran!” called somebody.

    “’oo’s that?” Nidoran pondered, scraping off some leaves that had got caught on its poison barbs.

    “Me, Poochyena! I spotted you because of your purple spots! They stand out from a mile away.” Nidoran looked up, seeing the black hyena heading towards him, its fangs gleaming in the early sun. It's little claws stood out every time they were positioned in front of its grey tummy in Nidoran's line of view.

    “I have purple spots?”

    “Well yes, you do.” Poochyena sighed – if the world were to do a chart of how clever everyone was, Poochyena was pretty sure that Nidoran would be somewhere close to the bottom.

    “That’s awesome!” Nidoran cheered, running round in circles joyfully. “Hey, shall we go down to the apricorn trees and get some breaky?”

    “Excellent idea!” agreed Poochyena.
    __________________________________________________ _______________________

    “Wozzat!” Nidoran exclaimed, as the two of them looked up the hill to where their apricorn trees were.

    “I don’t know. What type do you think it is?” Poochyena asked nervously.

    “What’s a type?”

    “Never mind.”

    From the top of the hill, the muscle man looked down on the Pokemon.

    “Hey, commander, there are some Pokemon watching us from down there.” he pointed out. Commander Teal sighed deeply. She had been positioned on a stationary watch to look out for “The professor’s lot”. She wasn’t terribly happy about it. The woman strolled over to where her underling was and saw Nidoran and Poochyena.

    “Hmm.” She thought. “They might be team Aqua spies. I suggest we get rid of them.

    “Oh. Do we have to – they are rather cute?” begged the man, and his outburst was met by a stare that could startle a Whismur. Teal reached to the floor, and picked up a few averagely sized stones, which she then flung at the Pokemon.

    “Retreat!” barked Poochyena, legging it away from the rocks. Nidoran, however, stayed still and thought I wonder how tasty that is. Nidoran leapt into the air, to be caught on the tooth by a large rock. The dumb Nidoran sprinted as fast as it could, terrified.

    From a tall tree, a bunch of Murkrow laughed.

    “Did you see that?” guffawed an older Murkrow. “His face was a complete picture!”

    “It is a memory I shall never forget,” a large Honchkrow grinned evilly. It pressed a button on the side of its video recording device. “They talked for long enough before about these stones. Let’s go and tell the Blue masters.”
    __________________________________________________ ___

    “Daddy, why is it that other kids have Mummies and I don’t?”

    Revic’s family sighed sadly. Revic often brought up that particular subject that disturbed the family.

    “It doesn’t matter,” snapped Revic’s father, eager not to get into a deep conversation. Revic turned to his brother, who frowned, deciding whether or not to answer his younger sibling.

    “She died,” said his Brother, pushing his breakfast bowl aside. His father did the same.

    “What’s that?” asked Revic. His family had always left him be, and let him learn things for himself.

    “It doesn’t matter, now you head off for school now,” Revic obediently nodded, and set off for school.

    “I learnt a new word today!” Revic proudly enounced to his group of friends.

    “That’s nice. What is it?” Greg asked.

    “Died.”

    “Ooh, what does it mean?”

    “I don’t know, but it sounds cool!”

    “Hey, have you heard about that trainer?” Greg asked his best friend, and Revic shook his little head. “Well, there’s this trainer going around all the Pokemon gyms, and he’s defeating them all! This hasn’t happened in ages, my Daddy says. Maybe he’ll face your Daddy soon.” Maybe he will resounded Revic’s thought, and the boy closed his eyes.

    When he opened them again, he was back in the Blue void. Not again! thought Revic. “Come on then!” he challenged. “Tell me whatever you want to tell me.”

    “Obey your commands.” answered the voice in Revic’s dreams.

    “So you keep saying.” replied Revic. “Who are you anyway?”

    “You would not believe me. Now, the real world calls, go now.” With those last words, the void started to spiral away.

    “Wait!” yelled Revic, eager to further question his dreams. But there was nothing he could do to stop himself being sucked into the gap created by the disappearing void…

    Revic opened his eyes, and got up slowly from his slouched position. He scanned around, getting used to his surroundings again. He was in an aeroplane, a small one with only 16 seats. It was painted a blank white in the inside, and the chairs (laid out in pairs on each side) were a dull blue. Clane sat next to him, reading his book, and he noticed Revic’s actions.

    “Don’t tell me you fell asleep already.” groaned Clane in disbelief. “We’ve only been in here for ten minutes!” Seriously? thought Revic. It seemed like hours.

    Revic turned to the plane's small windows and looked outside. He had never seen such an array of different greens in such a small place. Bird Pokemon of every kind flew gently on the wind. Revic had never seen something so beautiful.

    “It’s so… green!” Clane too was amazed, even though from where he was sat he could only see half of what Revic was viewing.

    “That’s probably because it’s a forest, Clane.” Revic snapped.

    “Can you stop doing that please?” growled Clane, losing his temper.

    “Stop what?” Revic feigned innocence.

    “Your constant unnecessary and horrible replies.” Clane believed that Revic actually hadn’t figured out how he was being annoying. Revic was surprised at how gullible his friend could be.

    “Attention ladies and gentlemen,” Professor Birch’s voice rang out through the plane’s sound system. “We are about to land in an open field just outside the forest. The stone could be hidden anywhere in the forest – that includes in bushes of any kind, up trees and even in lakes. To cover the large area quicker, I suggest you split up into pairs.”

    Revic looked to his friend, and signalled to ask if he wanted to be in Revic’s group. Clane shook his head, and indicated to Beri.

    “She looks lonely, so I’m going to do the right thing and go with her!” he announced.

    “Ok, that sounds fair,” Revic smiled, knowing that really Clane wanted to be close to the young girl. Beri was actually happily talking with the ugly girl with too much make up. Its fine, Paige is much more interesting to talk to than Clane anyway Revic decided, and he signalled this time to Paige, who accepted his request.

    Revic then heard a change in the sound made by the machine’s engines, and suddenly they stopped. Professor Birch stumbled into the plane’s passenger compartment, looking rather ill.

    “Ahem. We have landed. Let’s go.” Birch’s speech was surprisingly short for him, but nobody cared, and everyone started to get up.

    “You don’t look so good,” Revic smiled to the Professor as he passed. The Professor shook his head.

    “Maybe trying to lean out of the window to study Bird Pokemon wasn’t my best idea ever,” admitted the Professor, and he exited with most other people, leaving Clane and Beri. Clane Nervously walked up to his love, and tried to think what to say.

    “Err. Hi. Would you mind going with me as you seem lonely,” Clane immediately knew that he had sounded silly, and he was already killing himself inside – this might affect a future possible relationship. Beri raised one eyebrow, a little surprised.

    “Erm, I’m kind of going with Kerry, sorry.” With that, Beri passed by Clane, leaving him extremely embarrassed.

    “Err, Revic, would you mind…?” Clane turned and saw that his friend was gone. “Oh, bother!”
    __________________________________________________ ___

    “So, where do we start?” Paige asked excitedly as the pair headed away from the field.

    “I don’t know, maybe we should look for something bright or shiny?” Revic wondered, and his friend agreed.

    The wind blew a refreshing breeze on the pair, making them both relax a little. They both knew their task were extremely difficult, but it made their task seem easier fro some reason. They walked deep into the forest, and were every unaware that they were being followed.

    “More of these terrible creatures,” Poochyena said out loud, trying to comfort himself. “I will warn my clan.” he decided, running off.
    __________________________________________________ ___

    Ow! Drat! Revic cursed as he stung himself on a nettle for what seemed like the hundredth time. This was the eleventh “Bright or shiny thing” they had seen, and Revic could just tell that when he got to the middle of the nettle bush he would be met by a flaming dung heap in a hole. Those wretched Tepig’s really do like burning their waste, don’t they? Revic cursed again, as he stung himself again. It’s just my luck that every object has to be in the middle of a nettle bush. It’s alright for the Tepigs; their skin isn’t affected by nettles.

    “Can you tell if you've found the stone yet?” Paige’s voice rang out from somewhere behind him, and Revic tried to turn to face her, but he got stung on the face. He crawled a bit further, and then realised his suspicions had been correct.

    “It’s more flaming Tepig trails,” he shouted back.

    “Sorry,” the girl replied, and Revic started edging backwards. Soon he was out of the bush and standing straight, his explorers gear covered in dirt, and his skin covered in nettle rashes. His gear was an Indiana Jones style brown hat and shirt, and some padded trousers. “I’ll go in for the next one.” Paige offered, but Revic shook his head.

    “No. Your clothes will be completely ripped,” Revic explained. “Mine are special gear – it’s protected. Come on, we’d better continue.” Paige nodded, and they continued down the forest path, until Revic stopped outside a bunch of trees.

    “Stop! Can you hear that?” Revic held his arm out to stop his friend, and they were both silent. They could hear a very faint voice coming from nearby. “That doesn’t sound like anyone from our team. Let’s go and see!” And before Paige could stop him, Revic had already started walking through the trees towards the voice.

    After brushing past bushes, vines and trees, Revic reached a clearing where he identified the voice as coming from a boy in the centre of it. Revic decided it would be safer to hide in a bush (Not a thorn one, he’s not that stupid) just in case the boy was someone from Team Magma or Aqua.

    “Come on then, Heracross, use megahorn on that tree!” the boy encouraged, but not in a nice way. He was wearing casual gear – jeans and a jacket, and he had long, dark, emo-style hair. His eyes were a mysterius purple shade, but they looked unique, in a kind of snobby way. He pointed the large, blue stag beetle towards a tree, and it charged at the forestry, creating a loud thumping sound as its large frontal horn slashed the tree’s bark. Heracross used its bug wings to propel itself backwards and to land back by its trainer. Revic was impressed by its power.

    “Come on, you stupid beetle!” the boy snarled, to Revic’s surprise. “You need to be able to knock down the tree! Even a Weedle could do what you just did. Now, at least try this time.” Heracross looked damaged inside, and its second attempt was even worse. Heracross was given a punch to its left wing, startling it. Any wild Pokemon would have retaliated, but, like all caught Pokemon, it respected the trainer that had caught it. So it just sat and sulked.

    Revic was in complete shock. The boy’s a monster!
    __________________________________________________ ___

    The gentle forest breeze blew calmly down on a forest path, and Professor Birch walked jollily down it. He was carrying several books and charts. If we’re going to industrialise this place, we’ll want to let trainers know what kind of Pokemon they can find here he reminded himself of his reasoning that he had told Professor Oak. But really, he just wanted to enjoy the scenery and study. And he thought it was the perfect time and place for it.

    “Tepig.” came a little grunt, and the Professor looked down to see a little orange pig sitting at his foot. It had big eyes and a long curly tail, and it had a black patch of skin surrounding its backside. Professor Birch was pleasantly delighted – he had never seen a Tepig before.

    “Hello, you cute little thing!” Birch smiled, picking it up.

    “Pig, pig! Tepig!” the Tepig jumped down from his arms, and started walking down the path, signalling for Birch to follow. And he was so fascinated that he did.

    Soon they had reached a large forest clearing. Tepig ran into the middle of it and called out, and soon the area was filled with many other Tepigs.

    “Wow!” gasped Birch, trying to write things down. Lot’s of other Pokemon soon joined them, and crowded around the professor. “There are so many Tepigs! And Poochyena’s, Tyrogues and Numels. And Some Camerupt and Hitmonchan and…” the Professor stopped, sighing in defeat. “I should of known by all the fire types.”

    “We knew you’d be distracted.” Commander Teal stood forward, as did many other Members of Team Magma. Birch was grabbed roughly by two Hitmonchans, and he dropped his books. They hit the ground with a hollow, dusty thump.

    “You will come with us.” Teal grinned. Birch had no choice.
    __________________________________________________ ___

    “How can he be so cruel?” Paige whispered, and Revic shrugged. They were both watching the boy now and he had started making his Pokemon battled each other. When one had been defeated, he wouldn’t make the other one stop, he’d let it continue being pummelled. Then, when the pummelling had stopped, he would heal the weaker one and let the torture happen again. I can’t take this Revic realised. I have to intervene. To Paige’s astonishment, Revic slowly rose and walked over the boy.

    “Stop,” he said, although he wasn’t really sure of what he was saying.

    “Eh? Who are you?” the boy asked.

    “I am Revic R… Vantula.” Revic exclaimed. “And you are mistreating you Pokemon. They should be trained with more love.”

    “Come on then,” the other boy angrily replied, clenching his fists. “Battle me, and whoever wins will be right with their views." Revic agreed, sending out Sneasel. “Ok then, out you come.” grunted the boy, and Revic was very surprised to see that the other boy had sent out all 5 of his Pokemon.

    “You can’t do that!” Revic cried out in despair. “That’s cheating!”

    “Shut up,” snapped the Boy. “I am Valner Terrin, and I will be the world’s greatest Pokemon trainer. You agreed to a battle, but you didn’t say any rules.”

    Revic stamped his foot hard on the ground. Valner’s team was a Snorlax, (A large Blue bear creature with a large, white tummy), a Tropius (A tall tree like creature with leafy wings and bananas on its chin), a Swanna (a white swan with a peculiar blue belly pattern) his Heracross, and a Forretress.

    “You swine,” Revic spat, anger rising up inside him.

    “I thought I told you to shut up,” Valner snapped back. “I think that when I win, I’ll make my Pokemon attack you too. I’m sure no-one would care if an idiot like you suddenly disappeared from the world." How could he say such things? Revic debated. But Sneasel had already been swiped at.

    Sneasel’s stronger than this lot Revic thought out his plan as Sneasel desperately tried to dodge all 5 of the incoming attacks whilst retaliating. Sneasel couldn’t take them all, though, and it was getting increasingly weak.

    “MIGHTYENA!” a loud Roar came from somewhere close by, and Paige ran out of the bushes.

    “There’s a whole pack of them!” she panted. “They’re heading this way!” Everyone knew what they had to do. They started running, but suddenly Revic, Sneasel and Paige were hit by an onslaught of leaves, leaving them lying on the ground, wounded.

    “Wouldn’t it be funny if you both got slaughtered by Mightyena?” cackled Valner, and he and his Pokemon started running away, with Valner constantly turning back to see what was happening to them. Paige got up quickly, and tried to give Revic her hand.

    “Come on!” she cried. “We need to get out of here.”

    “Sneasel’s weak,” Revic replied, trying to pick up his trusty partner.

    AAAARRRRRGGHHH!!!!!!!! Pain seized Revic’s lungs. Not again! Not now, not ever! Revic made one last attempt to get up, and slumped forwards onto his Sneasel, as the pack of Mightyena broke through the foliage.

    I’m doomed Revic’s last thought echoed out in his head, before everything went dark.

    Note: No, Revic is not dead. He is mearly unconcious. Please comment. I'd like to know what you thought of my cliff hanger.
    Last edited by NinjaScepSneasel; 12th March 2011 at 7:36 AM. Reason: Wierd piece of dialogue
    A group of 10 special trainers have been essembled by Professor Birch in a unexplored land. Their mission - to find some special stones to stop Team Magma and Team Aqua from getting them so that the professors can start their indistrialisation of the place. Follow their adventures in "Regional Conflict - The Five Sacred Stones. Please read, and review :)Here is the link. http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?t=482753 Last chapter - Chapter 10: The Tides of Terror

    Please read my other fic, a Unova journey fic - Unova apprentices. - http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?t=498160

    VM me if you want me to review your fic.

    White is nearly done, and nearly all my generation 4 pokemon are on there.

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Location
    Watching "Let's Play!"s
    Posts
    127

    Default

    Um... I'm glad you read my fanfic, but I'm reall not interested in fanfics that don't involve the characters from the animč. ^^" But the plot was exellent. Though there were a lot of spelling errors. But since KMG is helping you out with this I'll leave it to her/him. Good luck with the rest of your story!
    ;-)
    Being ignored displeases me.

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Nov 2010
    Location
    Where I live.
    Posts
    1,358

    Default

    Wow Nidoran, can you say doesn't listen. 'I know this is rare, but...'. And you could have described Poochyena more than 'the black hyena, its fangs gleaming in the morning sun'. And Nidoran isn't the brightest bulb in the box is he. You wrote Lade in the paragrapgh where Revic wakes up from the dream instead of Laid. Also you put: 'Revic turned to the planes small windows and looked outside'. 'planes' should be plane's. Clane seems to like Beri, and Revic has taken a liking to Paige. Poor Clane, he just can't get a break. I like him as a character, I find him interesting. I love the nettle part. I didn't know that burnt poo turned shiny. I agree with Revic. Heracross's master is a monster of the worst kind. He is doing it for himself and not some dillusion like most of the teams. Wow Profesor Birch. That was real smart of you. It is Snorlax, not Snorelax. And you didn't describe Forretress. Valner is a little freak who belongs in a mental institution. But that would be torturing all of the crazy people. Nice ending I must say. In short 7/10. There was another spelling mistake I noticed, but I forget what it was.

    And you could still help out here EifieChan.

  11. #11
    Join Date
    Jul 2010
    Posts
    344

    Default

        Spoiler:- Errors:


    *sweatdrop* And, done. Sorry, I don't have time to read or review any other chapter right now, but it's certainly an interesting start.

    Your main problem lies in grammar, but your description could use some work too. I'd suggest finding a beta reader, someone to send your work to before its released to the public, who can read over it and finalize it a bit, make it an easier read.

    I'll get to reading and reviewing the rest as soon as I can.


    Though probably obvious with the picture, I was formerly known as IanDonyer. Actually got a username closer to my real name, now.

  12. #12
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Location
    Derby, UK
    Posts
    117

    Default

    Thanks for the reviews guys. IanDonyer, I hadn't a clue about that capitalising thing, so it will be a problem in all my other chapters. My description has unproved since that first chapter. I shall go back and change them. Remember when reviewing to point out good things and things that you liked as well as problems and inprovements.

    Kissmygrass. I didn't describe Forretress because I had done so in the previus chapter.

    Edit: I have corrected all the grammatical ishues. Well, I've tried, but with my luck, I would of missed quite a few.
    Last edited by NinjaScepSneasel; 12th February 2011 at 8:29 AM.
    A group of 10 special trainers have been essembled by Professor Birch in a unexplored land. Their mission - to find some special stones to stop Team Magma and Team Aqua from getting them so that the professors can start their indistrialisation of the place. Follow their adventures in "Regional Conflict - The Five Sacred Stones. Please read, and review :)Here is the link. http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?t=482753 Last chapter - Chapter 10: The Tides of Terror

    Please read my other fic, a Unova journey fic - Unova apprentices. - http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?t=498160

    VM me if you want me to review your fic.

    White is nearly done, and nearly all my generation 4 pokemon are on there.

  13. #13
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Location
    USA
    Posts
    199

    Default

    Well... this has been interesting. It's been commented in before, but you really personify Team Aqua/Magma and the father and rival as cruel, just because they can be. This would be fine, but there is no motivation, so it seems out of place. Aqua/Magma believe they are helping humanity and Pokemon, so they wouldn't be that cruel. I can't testify on the rival and the father yet, but they almost seem satirically cruel.
    Last edited by Rediamond; 11th February 2011 at 8:09 PM.
    The Flash Drive of Champions: Backgrounds

    There are many reasons to journey in the Pokemon World. It turns out that banishment, Bond Villains, unbeatable rivals and being forced to attend one dance too many are among them.

    File 2.5 is up. Gela literally puts on a show for the world to see while elsewhen her world is shattered beyond repair.

  14. #14
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Location
    Derby, UK
    Posts
    117

    Default

    Rediamond. I explained why Team Magma killed the Aron in chapter two, and they are trying to get the stones to put forward their plans of expanding the land/sea. And telling you about Revic's father and Valner would be extreamely spoilery, so I shall not. Thanks for the comments though, I really didn't mean to make Valner as evil as he seems. And if you meant Hamish as "The Rival", Hamish is just generally a not very nice person, and he's snobby. He is no where near as bad as the others, he's only as bad as normal people can be (There are a lot of Hamishs at my school)

    And also, I shal be taking a little break, and the next chapter will be on about this time next week.
    Last edited by NinjaScepSneasel; 12th February 2011 at 8:31 AM.
    A group of 10 special trainers have been essembled by Professor Birch in a unexplored land. Their mission - to find some special stones to stop Team Magma and Team Aqua from getting them so that the professors can start their indistrialisation of the place. Follow their adventures in "Regional Conflict - The Five Sacred Stones. Please read, and review :)Here is the link. http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?t=482753 Last chapter - Chapter 10: The Tides of Terror

    Please read my other fic, a Unova journey fic - Unova apprentices. - http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?t=498160

    VM me if you want me to review your fic.

    White is nearly done, and nearly all my generation 4 pokemon are on there.

  15. #15
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Location
    Derby, UK
    Posts
    117

    Default

    Hello guys, here is episode 5. I shall check through it later, as I have no time now. Please review, but remember to put what you liked too, as otherwise it makes me feel like I'm rubbish. Thank you.
    Chapter 5 - The Forest Guardian

    Excellent Poochyena thought to itself as his clan emerged from the foliage towards the new creatures. That should teach them to trespass in our land. Poochyena smiled with joy, and was about to head off when he saw a little object, a pink and purple spotted creature. Oh no, Nidoran! Poochyena realised that if his pack were to continue, then his best friend would be killed.

    “Stop the chase!” he shouted, trying to get there attention “You must stop!”
    __________________________________________________ ___

    “Yes, kill them all, Mightyena!” Valner cackled, watching the wolf hyena’s emerge from the bushes. Paige scowled at him. She considered what to do – save herself or try and save her friend (and die in the process). She knew she had to do something. But time was running out.

    She decided it would be best to try and help Revic, but as she turned, she nearly tripped on a small creature that had appeared.

    “OW!” she screamed as Nidoran’s poison barbs stuck in her leg. Paige looked at the small creature, and realised what it was, and her situation. “You’ve poisoned me!” she gasped as pain surged through her leg.

    “All the better! Kill them all off!” Valner now screamed in delusional, and Paige realised something very odd about him. His eyes are glowing red. Paige’s revalation was interrupted by the realisation that the Mightyena were nearly apon them now. I don’t want to die so hopelessly she thought to herself, and she started to pray even though she didn’t believe in a God, or in the ancient pokemon legends.

    To her surprise, a lone Poochyena dashed out of the nearby trees and stopped in front of its future kind, barking crazily. The Mightyena slowly stopped their wild charge, sending a dust cloud at the humans. The hyenas started growling among themselves, and Paige and Revic were glad that they had been saved. (Revic was blanking in and out of conciensness)

    “No, what are you doing? Continue now!” roared Valner, pointing at them as if he thought he could control them. He was hit in the face with a hydro cannon from Paige’s Omaster, who she had weakly called out. She then slumped to the floor, unconscious under the pain of the poison. Valner leapt to his feet, angry like before. But then his strange red eyes flickered, and he grabbed his head, screeching before he too fell to the floor unconscious.

    I’m the last one standing Revic managed to make out through his pain.

    “Why did you stop us?” the chief Mightyena growled at Poochyena, making him wish that he hadn’t acted in the first place. Chief Mightyena was unusually big for a Mightyena, as were his fangs. The larger, darker version of Poochyena was extremely intimidating, and many of the smaller bird pokemon who were in the trees had fled. The Mightyena’s shaggy black coats of fur flew across their backs like a magician’s cape.

    Poochyena had forgotten what his excuse had been, and knew that he would be punished, and his clan would continue their rampage and kill Nidoran. Nidoran was still examining the humans (Nidorans way of “examining” was to see how tasty they were. His stomach was probably closely connected to his brain.) Poochyena nervously stepped aside, his heart racing.

    “What have I done?” he moaned, breaking into tears as his pack started running again. They were just about to reach the first creature, and Poochyena turned away.

    “Stop, Mightyena!” a deep voice bellowed, and an old man had appeared next to his fellow humans, with a huge Rhyperior at his side. Once again, the angry hyenas screeched to a halt, but this time they were solemnly calm. “These people don’t wish to harm you, my friends, can’t you see how much they look like me?” the man spoke to them as if they were close friends. “Now, off you go.” Surprisingly, the hyenas obeyed, and ran off back in the direction they had first came from, with Poochyena trailing behind them.

    “Now then, what have we here?” the man spoke to himself, using his ancient stick to support himself as he staggered over to the fallen people. He had a long, grey beard that obviously hadn’t been cut for years, and long, messy hair that fell to his hips. He tatty robes made out of giant leaves, and his skin looked ancient and skeletal. His Rhyperior was like a bodyguard for him – it’s strong, giant frame giving it an impressive appearance. It’s two horns (a big one and a small one) were well sharpened, and it had an orange rocky armor around some parts of it’s body. The two of them made quite an odd pair in the green forest.

    “Hmm, Rhyperior, lets take these poor travellers back to my hut, hey?”
    __________________________________________________ ___

    Revic sat up, finding himself in a wooden room which was bare apart from the uncomfortable rocky bed he had been lying on. He racked his brain to make it remember what he had just been for. He felt no pain at all now – it went away after each time. You didn’t have a nightmare Revic Revic was shocked that, for the first time in weeks, he hadn’t dreamt about his terrible past. I actually wake up feeling good for once he smiled, feeling refreshed and happy.

    “Good afternoon sir!” the man entered the room through its single, tiny wooden door on the left.

    “I presume you’re the one who saved me,” Revic asked.

    “Correct,” the man gently smiled, sitting down on the bed with a painful creak of his back.

    “Who are you?” Revic asked, wondering what a random old man was doing in the middle of a dangerous forest.

    “I have lived here all my life,” the man replied, smiling again as he remembered his past. “I was conceived here by my mother, and I never knew why she was here because she died in child birth. I have grown up here, taught by the pokemon. Later on I was contacted by some people from the region north of here, who taught me the essentials of human life. But I refused to leave my forest. Some even call me its guardian. That is what I have taken as my name … Guardio.”

    “Are you the person that spoke to two professors earlier this week?”

    “Indeed I am,” Guardio sighed deeply. “Anyway, I presume that you are from one of their exploration teams sent for one of the five stones?” Revic nodded, but he was getting bored now that he had asked all of the questions he had wanted to ask. “Right. Then let me ask you this question,” the old man continued. “What in the name of Arcues were three oddballs doing on some well respected men’s expedition teams?” Revic was insulted, and wondered what the older man was talking about. “It’s not every day you see the poisoned, the demon possessed and the tormented all travelling through a sometimes dangerous forest!”

    Revic took a few seconds to digest the sentence, and then eagerly replied. “Demon possessed?”

    “Uh huh,” said Guardio, stroking his beard. “The other boy with you was being tormented by a Banette.” Revic suddenly realised why the boy had been acting so evilly. He was also quite surprised that a little, snarling grey puppet thing could do such things. In all his time he had spent in Hoenn, he had never heard of an incident like Valner’s.

    “Bannette’s have this power of taking people over only in the region to the North of here.” Guardio explained slowly. He read my mind Revic thought. “No I didn’t, I have just learnt to study the expressions of every being so well that I can even tell what pokemon are saying.” Revic was glad of this – he couldn’t stand psychics. They have too much undeserved power was his reasoning.

    “So, Paige has been poisoned and Valner has been possessed. And my Sneasel was hurt too. How are they doing now?” Revic asked caringly.

    “Well, the other lad, Valner did you say? Anyway, my Hypno drove the Banette away. And your Sneasel is fine, and is back in it’s pokeball. But the girl, she isn’t doing as well. She has a rare poisoning that only happens when a non furry animal touches a Nidoran with high stomach acidity. If I try my very hardest, then she might be fine by the end of tomorrow.”

    Revic was disappointed. Now he would probably be stuck with Clane for a while, and whilst Clane was his friend, Revic thought that Paige was a nicer, more exciting person. He didn’t fancy her, but he just thought she was a nice person. And he had decided that he would become best friends with the nicer people in the world. The nicer they are to me, the nicer I’ll be back Revic had decided a long time ago.

    “Can I see her?” Revic asked, concerned for his friend.

    “Of course, just follow me,” the man smiled, staggering over to the door, and Revic started to follow him through the small, wooden corridors.
    __________________________________________________ ___

    “Here she is,” Guardio said, calmly as Revic walked into the room. It was exactly the same as the one he had been in before. Why does he have so many rooms anyway? Revic thought to himself. “I have so many rooms so that I can look after any injured pokemon I find in my forest. Now, I’ll wait outside for you to finish.” Guardio bowed, and hobbled out of the room, closing the pine door with a creak. Revic knelt down by the rocky bed and examined his friend.

    Paige was lying unconscious on the rock bed, breathing shallowly. Both of her jeans legs were now tattered, with giant holes in, and they were slowly ripping. The skin on her legs had turned a very dark purple, and a liquid was sometimes seen on them. It must be acid Revic realised, remembering what Guardio had said about the poisoning. The acid was fighting its way through her legs, and Revic thought that it might start to spread to the rest of her body. Poor Paige Revic kicked the wall in frustration. She didn’t do anything wrong. Why do bad things always happen to good people?

    “Hey, you’re Revic aren’t you?” Revic turned to see that Valner had entered the room. He looked a lot calmer than before.

    “I’d very much like to see what you’re really like,” Revic cut straight to the conversation like normal.

    “Yes. Maybe we should have a battle? I need to reassure my pokemon that I really do like them,” Revic was happy that Valner wasn’t really the monster that he had first seemed like, and that his pokemon were being treated properly.

    “Well, I’m a bit busy at the moment,” Revic hesitated, thinking about his mission.

    “Oh,” said Valner, disappointed. “Well, can we at least see each others pokemon?”

    “Fine,” Revic got up from his position next to his friend, and the two boys headed outside.
    __________________________________________________ ___

    “All right, come on out Snorlax, Tropius and Heracross!” Valner exclaimed, sending out his pokemon with a big flash of light.

    “You had other ones earlier,” pointed out Revic, who had retrieved Sneasel on the way there, and had checked to see how he was.

    “Yes, but these three are my favourites,” Valner explained, but Revic didn’t approve of favouritism. So Valner was forced to send out his other two, his Swanna and Forretress. Then the two boys relaxed, talking casually in the late morning sun.

    From the nearby bushes, Nidoran watched them. It had followed them and he was delighted that now everyone was together so that he could continue with his examination. I wonder how tasty they are he thought, deciding which one looked like the nicest. Eventually, he made up his mind.

    “So, where did you originally come from?” Revic asked Valner, wanting to get the important questions out of the way so that he could continue his task.

    “Conreg, the region north of here,” Valner friendlily replied. “But apparently there aren’t any Pokemon there that are different from the surrounding areas.” Revic nodded, and he was going to continue when Heracross let out a loud scream. The boys turned, and the beetle was lying on the floor, poisoned.

    “It’s a Nidoran!” Revic yelled, scanning the area for the small pink creature. “Look out!” he shouted again, and Valner tried to dodge, but the creature touched his leg. However, nothing happened.

    “I’m guessing that it has poison point ability,” Valner said.

    “Well done,” Revic sarcastically congradulated, and then realised what he other boy had meant. “Oh, so it’s poisoning only happens 30% of the time. Well, at least it's easy for Pokemon to be healed - an antidote is all it takes.” Revic realised and this time it was Valner’s turn to give a sarcastic look.

    That tasted disgusting Nidoran thought. I’ll try him. With a large leap, Nidoran grabbed onto Tropius’s banana beard and tried to eat them. Valner and Revic panicked, and desperately launched attacks at the small thing, trying to knock it off. Nidoran was sent flying into a tree, but it had had a good meal. Now it was looking for something more fun, and it jumped onto Snorlax’s belly for a good bounce, before it was chased away by the two boys. At least someone had enjoyed themselves.

    “I knew you’d be where the chaos is,” Clane approached them; looking relieved that he had found his friend at last. Revic looked up and sighed tiredly.

    “We need to get on with our search,” Revic explained.

    “Why don’t you stay for lunch first?” Guardio appeared behind them, startling the boys.

    “Very well.” Revic groaned, and the three of them returned their Pokemon and headed inside the hut.
    __________________________________________________ ___

    “You captured who?”

    “Professor Birch, one of our enemies,” Teal explained to another admin, who was getting very flustered. The other admin was an older woman with long purple hair and quite a large body shape. She was holding a laptop and papers, and at the time see looked a bit like a panicked pheasant.

    “B… but why?” the woman screamed, demanding an answer.

    “Because then we can use him to help us find the other stones,” Teal slowly explained to the older woman. “Now I know Maxie didn’t tell us to, Beitha, but I know it will help, Ok?”

    “Alright, you don’t have to treat me like a baby,” Beitha moaned hobbling over to the mouth of the cave they were standing next to. They were in a large rocky clearing with a massive ruined cave in the middle. The ideal place for hiding a powerful stone.

    “Beitha, marm, we have gathered readings from something peculiar behind a cave wall,” A Magma grunt rushed out of the cave to tell his superior the news. Beitha cackled like a witch, making Teal groan in embarrassment.

    “Excellent,” she screeched, flapping her arms again. “Let’s start digging immediately!” With that, the woman dashed into the cave surprisingly fast for someone her age. Teal sighed, and casually followed.

    “So, they’ve found the stone?” Clane whispered to Revic as the two of them watched the events from the nearby bushes.

    “You don’t have to whisper.” snapped Revic. Guardio had shown them the way to where he thought the stone might be (He had lived in the forset all his life, remember?), and they had managed to get there safely. He wondered why Team Magma had left no-one outside to guard their base. It could be a trap he thought to himself as he started to think through his ideas of what they could do to get the stone.

    “Shall we go in?” Clane asked. Revic nodded, but he was reluctant to stand up. Here we go said his mind. Right into the lion’s den.
    Last edited by NinjaScepSneasel; 12th March 2011 at 7:52 AM. Reason: Commas, commas, commas!
    A group of 10 special trainers have been essembled by Professor Birch in a unexplored land. Their mission - to find some special stones to stop Team Magma and Team Aqua from getting them so that the professors can start their indistrialisation of the place. Follow their adventures in "Regional Conflict - The Five Sacred Stones. Please read, and review :)Here is the link. http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?t=482753 Last chapter - Chapter 10: The Tides of Terror

    Please read my other fic, a Unova journey fic - Unova apprentices. - http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?t=498160

    VM me if you want me to review your fic.

    White is nearly done, and nearly all my generation 4 pokemon are on there.

  16. #16
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Location
    Derby, UK
    Posts
    117

    Default

    Hello guys, sorry for the long wait, but I've been really busy. I shall edit in te italics when I have time, as I have to go. Please review. Also, please do my poll as this effects the ending of this story. Thanks.


    Chapter 6 – The Lion’s Den

    Sweat hit the rocky cave floor with a deep “Sploosh!”, and the dwarf like Team Magma grunt wiped more of the sticky liquid off of his brow. He had only been working for ten minutes on breaking the solid rocky wall, but he was already tired. There were five grunts and ten Machokes at work, but it was easy to see that the muscular, purple humanoids were doing much better than the grunts. The grunt rested against his special drilling equipment (which was what looked like an axe with a drill on the end), trying to catch his breath.

    “Chin up, Brucey.” Beitha squealed as she inspected them all. “Very good, very good indeed!”

    “I think we should check on our prisoner instead of hanging about here.” Teal pointed out, pushing back her fringe.

    “No, we should stay here and watch the excitement!” screamed Beitha, flapping her arms around, and Teal wondered how an old crackpot managed to get to her rank.

    “Stop being a child,” she snapped, dragging Beitha towards another exit in the crumbling cave. “We need to check on them.” Beitha’s protesting voice echoed around the small cave section, making the old, light brown stalactites shudder. The cave looked just like any other cave apart from the ruined statues and pillars dotted around the place. There were also two large rocks that were great for hiding behind.

    We always get lucky with the hiding places Revic smiled to himself. He and Clane were sitting, hidden behind the convenient rocks.

    “I think we should act soon.” Clane worried, adjusting his glasses.

    “I think we should have acted before.” Revic snapped back. “You’re the one who usually thinks of the plan.”

    “I thought you were doing it…” Clane whined.

    “You’re pathetic…” Revic muttered angrily under his breath. They could have easily stunned and stopped the two women when they first entered the cave, but Clane, who had offered to think up a plan, had forgotten. “Come on then, let’s go after them.” Revic spoke again, and sprinted stealthily towards the cave’s exit. Clane panicked a bit, and then copied his friend.
    __________________________________________________ ________________________

    “Well, I thought you were meant to be clever, hmm Professor?” Teal teased her captive.

    “You don’t scare me,” said Birch, who was completely terrified. He was being kept in another part of the cave which had more ruins than the first one, but was significantly smaller. “What do you want from me?” the professor spoke again, trying to sound confident.

    “Tell us all the locations of the stones. And that’s an order.” Teal ordered.

    “I don’t know the others.” Birch stammered, receiving a huge slap round the face for his bad answer.

    “Come on Birch. Either you tell us, or I’ll kill you here and now. It may be against order, but don’t think I haven’t done it before. If we can’t have you then no-one can.” Teal grinned, pleased with her speech, but Birch kept his mouth shut. “It would be such a pity if you were to die. Think of all of the places in the world that are yet to be studied.” This sentence hit Birch a lot harder, and he honestly wished that he actually knew the other locations so that he could be free and study again.

    “Honestly, I don’t know them,” said Birch quietly. “We were searching for the others just as I left.”

    “What a shame,” taunted Teal. “I guess your time has come then professor.”

    “You can’t kill him!” screamed Beitha.

    “Shut up, old hag,” Teal snapped, rolling down her sleeves in preparation to pummel her victim. “I’ve been looking forward to doing something like this.”

    This is it Birch thought, looking at the woman’s muscular arms as they drew back to power up. Birch closed his eyes and waited for the painful impact.

    Instead, there was a loud cry of “Sneasel Sne!” and the sound of something being fired. Professor Birch opened one eye and saw that his captors were now stuck in a large ice block against the nearest wall.

    “Revic Vantula!” Teal yelled, clenching her teeth together.

    “Who else did you expect?” Revic entered casually with Sneasel and Clane, who was still a bit nervous at the sight of the dangerous people. When Revic and Clane had been adventuring partners, Clane had been the one to stay in a base, check surroundings and guide Revic. He had never been so close to the action.

    “NO!” screamed Teal, making a small, weak stalactite fall from the ceiling near to where Birch was sat. Revic went over and untied his friend.

    “How did you get into this one?” Revic teased his friend.

    “Thank you, but I don’t think we’re quite done yet.” Birch quickly changed the subject.

    “You haven’t won yet.” Beitha called from the corner, as the two women tried to free themselves from the giant ice cube that was surrounding their arms and body. “There’s a third Team Magma commander!”

    “What?” interrupted a stunned Revic. There was a loud thud, and Clane fell to the floor, pushed out of the way by a huge hulking figure that had just entered the room. The man was at least six feet tall, with muscles that even a Machoke would be jealous of. He wore long trousers and a jacket, displaying his hairy, muscular chest.

    “What’s going on in here?” said the new figure, menacingly approaching Revic and Birch.

    “Great timing, Mickey.” Beitha screeched. Revic couldn’t help but stifle a smirk at the fact that such a scary figure shared the same name with a cartoon mouse.

    “I heard yer cry, Teal, and I thought “My underling’s in trouble”. And so I got here and…”

    “That’s very nice, Mickey.” Teal spoke to him as if he was a child. “But would you quit with the lecture and pulverise them.

    “Right,” grunted Mickey, swinging his arm around to improve its power.

    “Watch out!” yelled Revic, knocking Professor Birch out of the way as the brawny arm smashed into the rock wall. Mickey didn’t even scream in pain. Revic scrambled over to Clane, who was just getting up.

    “What do we do?” moaned Clane, whose glasses had been knocked out of shake when he had been pushed. Revic was about to reply when the booming sound of a wall being knocked down echoed throughout the cave.

    “I’ll get the stone, you two run!” Revic explained, and the other two happily nodded. Mickey proceeded in destroying the ice block, and the six of the chased each other out of the cave section.
    __________________________________________________ ________________________

    The Rock wall tumbled away, and the dwarfed grunt let out a cheer of delight with his fellow grunts, and then gathered around the newly discovered chamber. It was covered with the lighter brown rocks and the ancient writing was visible on all of the walls. In the centre of the chamber was a large open pillar with a rocky bowl inside. Brucey presumed that inside it was the special stone they had been searching for, but the grunts weren’t allowed to get it as it was a “special job only meant for higher ranks.” So all of the grunts were relaxing against the walls, completely calm.

    “Out of the way!” yelled Revic, dashing past all of them and grabbing the bowl before anyone could stop him. Just as the grunts started to get up, Revic and his companions had already started running out of the cave. Then Mickey and Teal ran past, with a Camerupt and a Conkeldurr following behind them. From what Brucey saw of the humanoid as it ran past, it was brown and muscular, and carrying two giant pillars that it was using like crutches to improve it’s speed. Beitha hobbled in as well, completely knackered but still desperate to follow.

    “Well, don’t just stand there, after them!” screamed the old woman. The grunts nervously called out their Mightyena and followed.
    __________________________________________________ ________________________

    “Err, Nidoran, what exactly are we doing outside this cave?” Poochyena queried as he and his friend sat outside the cave.

    “They went in there,” Nidoran whispered, completely focused on the cave mouth. “Those new things that looked tasty.”

    “Right,” sighed Poochyena, wishing that his best friend was cleverer. He was glad that Nidoran hadn’t taken him away to the other side of the forest like he had in previous cases. His clan lived only on the other side of the cave, and he doubted that they had actually reached their home yet. They had gone of hunting, and they usually took quite some time. “So how long are we going to sit here?” Poochyena asked.

    “They will be tasty,” Nidoran ignored his friend, and stayed staring at the cave entrance.

    Suddenly, out of the darkness, Revic, Clane and Birch ran out, heading off their path a bit as their eyes adjusted to the light. Following them was Mickey and Teal, backed up by Team Magma’s team of grunts. Some of them bumped into Nidoran, falling to the floor in pain of their poisoning. Poochyena was surprised, but Nidoran followed them with his eyes, before leaping up after them.

    “More invaders! And Guardio hasn’t told us about these ones!” Chief Mightyena growled as Poochyena’s pack arrived. “Lets give chase!” he roared, and with their leaders order, the hyena’s sprinted off after the humans, followed by some other Pokemon who decided to join the chase. Anybody who even thought about resting would be trampled.
    __________________________________________________ ________________________

    “I can’t… go on,” Clane gasped, as he stumbled along behind Revic and Professor Birch.

    “Come on, I have a plan.” Revic explained, falling back to grab his friend.

    “What?” Clane managed to say through being dragged.

    “You two go and shelter in the hut whilst I lead them off.” Revic explained, and Clane nodded, breaking free of Revic’s grip and leading Birch off down a different path, where they stopped, and watched the marathon of People and Pokemon run past.

    “Good luck Revic!” Birch cried out, just in case his friend could hear him. “Now, where is this hut?”

    “Erm… I can’t remember,” said Clane, annoyed. They were lost. "Shall we head to the plane using your tracker?"
    __________________________________________________ ________________________

    I can’t outrun them Revic realised, as he brushed past various branches. He had decided to head through the foliage to try and slow his followers down. But he could see that they were gaining on him. The sound of a waterfall rocketed out from nearby, and Revic reached a clearing near a cliff. A very steep cliff.

    Drat! Revic stamped his foot on the floor, and turned seriously to face the Team Magma members that had arrived.

    “Well, small guy, your escape ends here,” Mickey grunted, punching his fists together as he trudged towards his victim. Revic thought he would be clobbered alive, but the huge man reached for a pokeball at his side and sent out a Blaziken, a huge flaming, red chicken with muscular legs and peculiar head feathers. Blaziken raised its head, held up its clawed arms and screeched, the sound echoing around the cliff below.

    Revic dived to the right, narrowly dodging a fireball. Even Sneasel wouldn't stand a chance against this thing. I’m doomed. Revic wondered why he had to die at such an early age, but he didn’t cry under pressure, he continued trying for his survival, and hoped that luck was on his side.

    “RROOOOOOOOOAAAAAAARRRRRRRRR!” a Mightyena roar cry rang through the air, followed by the screams of some of the Team Magma members. The Hyenas had caught up, and they had decided on their prey. Revic let out a cheer of delight, thinking he was saved.

    A sudden jolt of pain hit the side of his head, and he was flung to the side of the cliff top. Through his pain, he managed to look up, and he saw Mickey towering over him. Somehow, he still managed to keep hold of the sealed bowl containing the stone.

    “Sorry,” grunted Mickey, “But this is what happens to people who cross Team Magma." Mickey raised his foot, kicking Revic dangerously close to the edge of the cliff.

    “Quick, get in!” shouted Clane, and Revic saw that their aeroplane was circling the clearing, with everyone inside. Revic didn’t take time to contemplate how they had all got in there, and he jumped through the open door as the flying machine flew past, landing with a crunch on the hard floor. The plane cut through the clouds, dodging a fireball and leaving Team Magma to be attacked by the hyenas.

    “Wahey, we saved you!” Clane yelled ecstatically.

    “You were late.” Revic still groaned, giving the bowl over to Birch. The Professor studied it for a second, and then smashed the bowl with a hammer, revealing the green, glowing stone.

    “Everyone had headed back the plane and had given up.” Birch explained, holding the bowl out to Revic. “We set off to save you. Go on, you can be the first to hold it, you got it.”

    Revic sighed in embarrassment as he painfully got up and got to a seat, picking up the stone. To his surprise, it felt furry and warm. Well, I’m glad that’s over he sighed.

    “So what happened?” somebody asked, and Revic’s heart sank again, as he knew he was about to be hit by an onslaught of annoying questions.
    __________________________________________________ ________________________

    “It really is a pity that they all managed to escape.” Poochyena sighed to Nidoran as they sat near the edge of the forest later. Team Magma had fought back with their Pokemon, and had managed to get away, albeit slightly injured.

    “Hmm,” said Nidoran, thinking for once. Poochyena said his farewells and trotted away.

    Nearby, Valner was heading off toward his region again. However, he was being watched by a pair of shady eyes. I can not let his escape, it is my order Banette grinned to itself. I might have made him go out of hand and had a little fun, but I can still get on with the main task. With its last thought, Banette sneaked after the boy, heading into the distance, followed by a seemingly hypnotised Nidoran. This wasn’t the last Revic would see of Valner.
    Last edited by NinjaScepSneasel; 26th February 2011 at 8:08 AM. Reason: Italics, Periods and Editting though
    A group of 10 special trainers have been essembled by Professor Birch in a unexplored land. Their mission - to find some special stones to stop Team Magma and Team Aqua from getting them so that the professors can start their indistrialisation of the place. Follow their adventures in "Regional Conflict - The Five Sacred Stones. Please read, and review :)Here is the link. http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?t=482753 Last chapter - Chapter 10: The Tides of Terror

    Please read my other fic, a Unova journey fic - Unova apprentices. - http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?t=498160

    VM me if you want me to review your fic.

    White is nearly done, and nearly all my generation 4 pokemon are on there.

  17. #17
    Join Date
    Jul 2010
    Posts
    344

    Default

        Spoiler:- Errors:


    Read what I said in my first review about dialogue rules. You're doing better.

    Remember: Despite popular opinion, "said" isn't evil. When used sparingly, spicier terms such as "shouted", "growled", or even "responded", are good. When overused, they make things a bit repetitive.

    An interesting chapter. Finally learned what these stones are...

    I'll get to starting up another review later.
    - Ian


    Though probably obvious with the picture, I was formerly known as IanDonyer. Actually got a username closer to my real name, now.

  18. #18
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Location
    Derby, UK
    Posts
    117

    Default

    IanDonyer - thanks for the grammer ishues point outs - I have edited through to try and correct them. Your comedy was good too. I know that I have started using commas in chapter 5 and 6, but they may still be a problem in earlier chpters. Thanks a lot It great to learn more grammer stuff.
    A group of 10 special trainers have been essembled by Professor Birch in a unexplored land. Their mission - to find some special stones to stop Team Magma and Team Aqua from getting them so that the professors can start their indistrialisation of the place. Follow their adventures in "Regional Conflict - The Five Sacred Stones. Please read, and review :)Here is the link. http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?t=482753 Last chapter - Chapter 10: The Tides of Terror

    Please read my other fic, a Unova journey fic - Unova apprentices. - http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?t=498160

    VM me if you want me to review your fic.

    White is nearly done, and nearly all my generation 4 pokemon are on there.

  19. #19
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Location
    Derby, UK
    Posts
    117

    Default

    Argh, sorry for the long wait on this one, but I changed a lot, was out lots and got Black and white on Friday. So I have been busy. And also this chapter is really long. But anyway, enough excuses, more action!

    Chapter 7 - Triple Trouble

    “You did what?” Maxie roared from behind his written report, making his tiny office shake wildly. Teal nervously backed away, terrified at what her master would do to her. She was concealing her fear better than Mickey and Beitha, however, who were trembling all over. Maxie already knew how his underlings had failed, and he was completely disappointed.

    “Firstly, you failed to keep a captive that I didn’t order you to even capture in the first place – thus revealing valuable information,” huffed Maxie through his clenched teeth. If the whole story had been a cartoon, steam would have poured out Maxie’s ears and filled the entire room. He’s turned red – suits him Teal tried to joke with herself to ease her nerves.

    “Secondly, you let several of our members be put out of action for what could be weeks,” Maxie continued, struggling not to keep his temper. “Finally, you failed to bring back the stone and let it slip into our enemy’s hands.”

    “Sorry, leader, it won’t happen again.” Teal was the only one brave enough to speak up and she instantly regretted her decision.

    “WHY AM I SURROUNDED BY USELESS CLOTS?” Maxie exploded in anger, slamming his arms down on his desk. “I ASK YOU TO SEARCH ONE FOREST FOR ONE STONE AND GET RID OF A COUPLE OF OLD PEOPLE AND KIDS AND YOU STILL MANAGE TO SOMEHOW FAIL ME!”

    “S-s-s-s-s-sorry, m-m-master.” Beitha trembled, wobbling like a huge plate of old wrinkled jelly.

    “YOU WILL BE,” Maxie continued his rage. “IF YOU FAIL ME AGAIN, THEN YOU WILL BE DEMOTED. YOU MAY OF EVEN COST US CONTROL OVER GROUDON. GET OUT OF MY SIGHT!” The three leaders made a hasty retreat, slamming the door just in time to avoid a pokeball thrown at them. The three of them gave each other nasty looks, each blaming the other for the failure, and then they separated.

    Well, that went well thought Teal, slumping herself down at her own desk. Her office was even smaller than Maxie’s; it only contained a bed and a tiny desk. It was more like a storage cupboard than an actual office. It wasn’t my fault she sulked. If the other two had been more organised then we wouldn’t be in deep trouble with our stupid master. Stupid Team Magma, it’s a pity it was necessary to join them to pull off my scheme. Teal smiled at her last piece of consolation, and stared at her real team’s logo. Soon, It shall begin again.
    __________________________________________________ ___

    The flames danced menacingly around the top of the hut that had been the boys home for so long. Surrounding the old, wooden building were many people of all ages, all enraged and shouting angry words. The boy silently watched his mountain home be destroyed by the angry villagers. He wanted to jump out into the crowd and shout stop. He wanted everything to be fine again. But the world wasn’t kind. He’d learnt that.

    If Red hadn’t of beaten my father, then none of this would have happened Revic realised. Then he would be alive, and we would all be safe, living back where we used to live. Revic turned solemnly to leave, holding his Sneasel’s hand as he tried to guide it down the mountain. It’s just us two left he realised, sadly reflecting on his past. He didn’t know where he would go, or what he would do, he just knew that he had to get away from everything he hated.

    And then he heard shouts, and realised that they hated his father so much that they would even go after him.
    __________________________________________________ ___

    “Revic, Birch has arrived for his speech.” Clane waved his skinny hand in front of Revic’s eyes, and he returned from his day dream. Revic re-adjusted to the environment – he was in noisy meeting hall that they had gone to on the first day of their quest. He had been reflecting his night’s nightmares, and had got carried away. Revic looked around the room, and saw that Paige was still missing.

    “Ehem,” announced Professor Birch, stopping the young people from their talking. “Today we are going to do things slightly differently. I am sure that you are all aware that yesterday was a very difficult day for some. We did not expect Team Magma and the forest to be as difficult to face as they were. So today, to save time and to stay more secretive, we are going to split up into two groups.”

    “Our scientists have been working hard, and have found the near exact locations of two more of the special stones.” Birch pointed to the large window behind him, which had a set of giant blinds pulled over it. An electronic map appeared on it, revealing all of the land around them. “This is where we are, and this is where the forest is,” he said, pointing to the two locations. “The first new stone location is located right here.” Birch continued, pointing to what looked like an old mansion on the other side of the mountain. “This mansion used to belong to a millionaire from Kanto, but he died 40 years ago, and it has become a bit run down. Apparently, he was the person that his the stones in the first place.

    “Why didn’t he just dig a big hole?” Hamish whispered to his mates, and they all s******ed.

    “This,” exclaimed Birch, pointing to the sea on the west of the map, “This is the second location, in the middle of the nearby sea. The five people picked for this journey will head out in a boat and dive to explore the depths. We shall set off just before lunch, so please use your time wisely. Thank you.”

    After Birches final words, nearly everyone made a rush for the door. Everyone except Clane (who had already started reading his book again) and Revic, who got up and walked towards the professor.

    “Ah, Revic. Did you come to congratulate me on my talk?” Birch beamed, but received much more serious looks from his friend.

    “Where’s Paige?” he asked, caring about his friend.

    “Ah, she’s in our hospital!” said Birch, proudly.

    “You have a hospital?”

    “Of course we do. It’s in with all our top secret laboratories on the east side of the complex. It’s where we are currently… err, what are you doing?” the Professor explained as he saw Revic head towards the giant window and start to search around for something.

    “There was something here,” he explained, giving up. “It could have been a spy for one of the criminal teams.”

    “It was probably just a bird Pokemon,” said Clane, impatiently getting up and joining the conversation. “Come on Revic, I want to battle you again to train.”

    “Professor, can you take us to see Paige?” Revic ignored Clane’s suggestion.

    “Certainly, just follow me.” Birch nodded, gathering up his papers and heading towards the back door.

    “Hang on, you can’t decide what I do, I don’t even know what your talking about and … don’t go! Don’t leave me here! WAIT!” Clane yelled, rushing through the door and leaving the room empty.

    The Murkrow outside the window watched them leave, and gave a little cackle. Revic had spotted the large witches hat like shape on its head, and its glinted gold beak – it was lucky that it had managed to hide itself. The bird looked just like a jet black crow other than this. Turning around, it heaved the video recording device onto its back and started to slowly fly to Team Aqua’s nearby camp. The stones were as good as theirs.
    __________________________________________________ ___

    The “hospital” hardly lived up to its name. It was two small spare rooms which each only contained a bed and a cupboard of medicines and chemicals. Paige was in the first room, wide awake and extremely bored. The only entertainment the room had to offer was reading to different medicines and chemicals, which would only entertain somebody like Professor Birch. There were two doors in the room, one which lead to the corridor connecting it to the meeting hall, and another one leading to the lab.

    “Here she is!” Birch exclaimed, throwing open the door to let the two boys in.

    “Oh, hi Revic,” she said, sitting up and trying to make herself look presentable.

    “How are your legs?” Revic asked, sitting down at the end of the bed.

    “They’re feeling a lot better, thanks.” Paige smiled, thinking it’s very sweet of him to come and check on me.
    “I’ll leave you people to talk,” announced Professor Birch, pulling himself away from his attempted memorisation of the chemicals.

    “Well,” started Revic, although he was unsure on what he would say next.

    “Could you do me a favour?” Paige asked, and Revic nodded. “Can use release my Pokemon? They haven’t seen me since the poisoning, and I think they deserve to see what has happened to their trainer and friend.”

    “Excuse me, but I seem to remember that you have an Aggron and a Hippowdon,” Clane pointed out, wondering how he had got himself stuck visiting someone he didn’t even know properly. “If you send them out then you’ll destroy the ceiling and make the room a massive sand castle.”

    “Good point. What was your name again?” Paige asked.

    “Clane,” he snorted, leaning back against what he thought was just the wall. However, it was in fact the door, and he was sent flying to the floor as three elderly figures entered the room.

    “Sorry, old bean,” said the first man, helping Clane to his feet. He wore a blue coat and had short, snow coloured hair and a walking stick.

    “Wahahaha! Did you see how he fell? Classical!” giggled the second man, a shorter plumper fellow with a brown top and a fixed grin.

    “Puzzling indeed,” exclaimed the final man, a much taller, thinner man with a lab coat and thick glasses. He had a stick in the shape of a question mark and was completely bald. “It is curious to think what the boy was doing up against the door in the first place. Perplexing.”

    “I’m sorry, but we didn’t call the war veterans in,” Clane snapped, unhappy with his fall. “Who are you anyway?”

    “We are the most experienced trainers in the known world!” rasped the first man. “I am Pryce, the ice type gym leader.”

    “I’m Wattson, the electric type gym leader,” chuckled Wattson, patting his huge belly.

    “And you can call me Blaine, the mysterious fire leader,” grinned Blaine, doing a cool pose.

    “Hey, gym leaders, what are you doing here?” Paige asked, pulling the cover off. She had been given a new pair of jeans after her old ones had been destroyed by the acid.

    “We have come to see if you three want to fight in a triple battle,” Pryce explained.

    “How did you know we were here anyway?” asked Revic, who was desperate to battle them. He wanted to see if he would be good enough to start the gym challenge. I think I’ll do that when we finish this mission, he decided.

    “Your friend, Mr eccentric professor told us,” Wattson continued his chuckling.

    “What’s a triple battle anyway? We don’t have them in Sinnoh,” questioned Paige.

    “A triple battle is a perplexing battle where you use three pokemon to attack the other side. It is very useful to have a set strategy or plan.” Blaine explained. “So, will you take the challenge?”

    “Of course! Where do we go?” answered Clane, raring to go.

    “Just follow us please.” With their last comment, the three men exited the room, followed by a very excited Clane.

    “Can you walk?” Revic asked.

    “I think so,” Paige tried standing up, but she toppled, and to her surprise she was caught be Revic.

    “Come on, clumsy, lets go and battle the three old men,” he sighed, supporting her out of the room.

    I think I really like him Paige grinned to herself.
    __________________________________________________ ___

    The gym leader trio lead the three of them through the busy science lab, which was a hive of bustling work. There were many scientists working on electrical projects, chemical projects and Pokemon projects. The massive white room was packed full of tables which had the experiments on, and there were no windows. On the far side was a giant computer, showing an interesting map of the surrounding areas.

    “Come on, we’ll probably blow up the flippin’ place if we fight here,” Wattson shouted over the loud sound of computer beeps, experiments and technical discussion. The gym leaders ushered them on into a room of about the same size as the lab. This one however was completely bare and was painted a dark brown colour.

    “What’s the point of this place anyway?” asked Revic, hoping that Pokemon’s habitats hadn’t been destroyed in the making of the seemingly pointless room.

    “I haven’t the foggiest,” remarked Pryce. “Maybe a spare room? Anyway, all that matters know is that we have enough space to battle. We shall each use two Pokemon, thus making a team of six. We’ll give you a few minutes to decide on your Pokemon, and then the fight shall begin.” The gym leader’s huddled in the corner, whispering their plan of action. Occasionally, Wattson’s crazy laughter echoed around the room.

    “I’ve already chosen my Pokemon,” Clane commented, snootily.

    “Can I borrow one of your Pokemon?” Revic asked Paige, and she nodded, handing him a pokeball.

    “It contains my Omaster. I know you’ll treat it well,” she smiled, and then turned to face the battle field where the Gym leaders where know ready.

    “Come on then, let’s send out the first batch of Pokemon,” Pryce announced, and the three elderly men threw their pokeballs to ground, opening with a large flash of light. Out of Pryce’s pokeball came a Dewgong, a horned seal with fur as white as snow. It had a large, fan like tail which it waved around, creating a beautiful sight in the dim lights. Wattson’s choice was a Manectric, a blue and yellow lion like thing, with a mane heading straight upwards like some kid of spikey turban. Blaine decided to go for Rapidash, a white, flaming horse with an impressive mane. Dewgong took the middle of the field, with the other two on the side.

    “Go Abra!” cried Clane, sending forth his yellow humanoid. This brought even more laughter to Wattson.

    “You hope to win with an un-evolved Pokemon? Insane!” he laughed, his old face smiling friendlily.

    “Come on Sneasel, you know they’re too old to harm you,” Revic encouraged, sending out his signature Pokemon. Paige stood between the two boys, taking centre and using Aggron.

    The battle kicked off with Sneasel making an agile dash towards Dewgong, nearly instantly defeating it with its favourite brick break. Dewgong recovered surprisingly quickly, launching itself into the air for a powerful surf attack, which not only weakened the teenager’s Pokemon, but drenched them too, bringing Wattson into hysterical laughter. What made it worse was that Manectric and Rapidash both used protect, meaning that they weren’t even harmed. Aggron and Abra both failed to attack due to the protection.

    “We are gym leaders; we’re not to be taken lightly!” Wattson managed to taunt though his giggling fit.

    “It’s not over yet!” cried Paige, standing up for herself, as the poison was clearing.

    Rapidash then charged into Aggron with a flare blitz, who was too big to avoid the stealthy horse and was now on very weak. Wattson ordered Manectric to use thunder fang on Abra, which he found hilarious for some reason.

    “Oh yeah?” yelled Clane, trying to be cool. “Laugh at this, sucker! Abra, confusion!” Abra attacked determinedly with confusion, which barely did anything, fuelling Wattson’s laughter even more. He stopped laughing when he realised that his Manectric had been confused, and was now running around the room bashing into everything.

    “Alright, Sneasel, down chill the oldies,” Revic smiled, and Sneasel nodded, launching a powerful blizzard, which knocked out the already weakened Dewgong, and froze Wattson’s unlucky Manectric. He was very far from laughing now.

    “Aggron, finish it off with earthquake!” Paige shouted at full volume, now free of the pain from her poisoning. Aggron snarled and stomped on the floor, sending massive shockwaves that finished off the other enemy Pokemon.

    “Well, the tides have turned,” grinned Blaine, enjoying the challenge.

    “We indeed underestimated you,” admitted Wattson. “However, it’s not over yet!” Wattson’s last words were like a signal to his fellow leaders, and after thanking their Pokemon, they sent out their final choices.

    Wattson’s main Pokemon was a Magnezone, a huge, grey floating piece of metal with two magnets and a giant antenna. From Blaine’s pokeball came an Arcanine, a huge hound with a thick mane and a beautiful presence. And the middle Pokemon, Pryce’s, was a Mamoswine, a shaggy furred woolly mammoth with huge white tusks and a pig snout.

    Sneasel once again lead off with a powerful brick break, but just as it made contact with Mamoswine, it was blasted into the wall by a strong fire blast, leaving it weak.

    “Sneasel, no!” called Revic, running over to his pal, who saw it’s trainers worried face and got up. “Are you ok? I didn’t expect the teamwork, I’m sorry.” Sneasel sighed to itself, wishing his trainer wasn’t so embarrassing and rejoining the battle.

    To everyone’s surprise, Mamoswine and Aggron attacked with earthquake at the same time, which knocked out Sneasel, Abra and Aggron, as well as weakening Magnezone and Arcanine. Now it was the teens turn to decide what to do.

    “Alright, Hoothoot, it’s you!” shouted Clane, sending out the owl, who looked confident and playful as usual. Paige went with her Hippowdon; who created a raging sandstorm in the battlefield. Revic had no choice but to use Omaster, which didn’t look like it trusted him at all.

    “It’s Ok, Revic’s a friend,” Paige explained, but Omaster still gave Revic the evils. Revic gave it a harsh stare back, just to show that he wasn’t scared of it.

    “Come on then!” roared Wattson, eager to win the exciting battle. Arcanine attacked first with extremespeed, dashing towards Hippowdon and smashing into the hippopotamus. Magnezone used discharge sending waves of electricity around it, which did reasonable damage only to Omaster.

    “Omaster, er… use surf,” Revic said awkwardly. It’s a water Pokemon, and therefore it must know surf, right? Luckily his guess was right, and the huge wave crashed down on the other Pokemon, knocking out Arcanine.

    “Hippowdon, use earthquake,” Paige cried, her eyes blazing. Hippowdon’s earthquake shook the room hard, making some loos bits of the roof fall down. The shaking floor defeated Omaster and Magnezone, leaving Revic disappointed that he hadn’t lasted long.

    “This is it, Mamoswine, we’re the last ones standing,” Pryce croaked (he would of shouted, but his throat had gone dry from shouting to much earlier) Mamoswine roared, firing an ice beam at Hippowdon, which surprisingly froze it in a solid block of ice.

    “Uh oh…” mumbled Clane, knowing that he would almost certainly be defeated by the mammoth. Hoothoot nervously flew into the air. It was the only on left that could fight. It desperately tried to dodge the freezing cold beams that were being fired across the room, creating an environment that looked like a failed building site. The owl whimpered. It looked like it would just give up and drop out of the sky,

    “Come on Hoothoot!” encouraged Clane. “You can do it!” Clane’s cries seemed to have an affect on the owl, and it dived down at the mammoth, and a mysterious white glow filled the room.

    When the light cleared, Hoothoot had evolved into a Noctowl. Noctowl was now a lot bigger, and had a much more serious look on its face. Its feathers were now a lighter brown, and its wings looked more muscular. There was also a pattern of black triangles on its proud chest.

    “YEAH!” celebrated Clane, hopping around. “Go kill ‘em Noctowl!” Noctowl screeched loudly like an eagle, diving down to deliver a fatal wing attack.

    “I don’t believe it,” gasped Pryce, his mouth wide open. “We just lost!”

    The room erupted with cheers of joy as the teenagers leapt around in ecstasy. Clane hugged his Noctowl, congratulating it, but also accidentally choking it. Paige leapt into Revic’s arms, and as there was no-one else left to hug, Revic continued the embrace. However, he pulled away as he saw Professor Birch entering the room, leaving Paige disappointed that the moment hadn’t lasted longer.

    “Hello everyone,” he panted, looking around the room. “I saw the end off the battle. It was very impressive if I must say. But anyway, down to the point. I have here the list off who is going to which place.”

    “Hand it over then,” Revic snapped, snatching the statistics from the scientist’s sticky grasp. “Lets see…” he said, with his tongue hanging out in concentration. On the left of the neat piece of paper was the list for the sea trip, on the right was the list for the house trip. Revic ran his finger down the first list, finding that he and Paige were both on the sea expedition. He was shocked when he got to the bottom of the list.

    “What?” Revic gasped, in angry disbelief. “Professor, why didn’t you put Clane on the first list?”

    “Calm down, I shall explain. It is an idea of mine to split people up for team building.” Birch explained.

    “What kind of a rubbish idea is that?” moaned Clane, equally as angry as Revic. He reached for the list, and when he saw it his anger sudden subsided. “Oh well, I’m sure I’ll live,” he sighed, strolling out of the room. Revic was annoyed at his friends comments, but he realised why they had been said when he noticed that Beri was on the same list as Clane.

    “Well, whether you like it or not, the decision has been made,” stated the Professor. “Either way I need you to come to the entrance so that we can set off immediately.” he finished, walking out with the gym leaders, who all saluted and congratulated Paige and Revic.

    They were now left in the room alone, facing each other awkwardly. Paige longed for his to take her hands or tell her that he loved her. Or maybe even kiss her. Anything romantic would do for her.

    “Well, I’m not sure what your doing, dillydallying around here,” Revic grunted. “I’m going to set off!” he grunted, stomping through the doorway, leaving Paige a little disappointed.

    He’s not ready yet she thought. I guess I’ll have to make him love me!
    __________________________________________________ ___

    The Murkrow glided through the building, trying not to bump its large hat-like shape on the low ceiling. It hadn’t had a long flight from the building it was spying on, the Team Aqua warehouse was only a mile or so away. The building itself was nowhere near as extravagant as the Team Magma headquarters. It was literally just a long room with another smaller room just coming off of it. The room was packed with team Aqua’s equipment, and all the members had their own sleeping bag allocated to them. But the Murkrow wasn’t bothered. It was heading to a large table at the end of the room where Archie, the leader of the team, was sat.

    “Well done Murkrow,” Archie smiled, looking up from his work and collecting the video device, playing it back. Once he had finished, he gave it back to the Murkrow, who kept it because he liked its shine. “We haven’t got enough men to go to both places at once,” he considered. Team Aqua had been hit a lot harder from their defeat in Hoenn than Team Magma, and they now only had some old equipment and one boat.

    “I think we should go for the water one, it’s more in our confort zone.” Archie decided, beckoning over to two grunts who were staring through one of the old buildings many broken windows. “Go and get you know who from the special room, and explain this to him,” he explained, ordering the grunts on what to do and sending them off. Archie leaned back in his chair and relaxed. Anyone who dared to stop their plans would be in trouble. And they’d certainly be surprised.
    A group of 10 special trainers have been essembled by Professor Birch in a unexplored land. Their mission - to find some special stones to stop Team Magma and Team Aqua from getting them so that the professors can start their indistrialisation of the place. Follow their adventures in "Regional Conflict - The Five Sacred Stones. Please read, and review :)Here is the link. http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?t=482753 Last chapter - Chapter 10: The Tides of Terror

    Please read my other fic, a Unova journey fic - Unova apprentices. - http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?t=498160

    VM me if you want me to review your fic.

    White is nearly done, and nearly all my generation 4 pokemon are on there.

  20. #20
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Location
    Derby, UK
    Posts
    117

    Default

    Hey dudes, please rmember to review my last chapters if you are an active reader as I have had no feedback on my last 3 chapters when I desperately need it. Thanks, here is chapter 8.

    Chapter 8: Flashback Ferry

    The deep blue sea spread out as far as the eye could see, waves spiralling over and over again. The only bit of dry land in view was the beach where the plane had dropped the five trainers onto the professor’s boat. The boat was a medium sized ferry, painted a deep shade of red and named “SS Victory”. There was a large walkway all the way around the edge of the boat, and a few cabins inside. There was also a large room full of scientific and diving equipment needed for finding the stone. There was also a captain’s control room on the front of the ship.

    On the back of the ship, Revic leaned against the edge, looking out to the distant shores. The gentle breeze blew his long hair across his eyes, and he kept on having to brush it aside. He was dressed casually, in his jeans and jacket as appose to his normal explorer gear.

    “Hey,” called Paige, running over to join Revic in leaning on the edge. She was wearing a jacket similar to Revic’s, and a blue vest underneath. She also wore some dark knee length shorts. “The food wasn’t to good, was it?” she commented, referring to the fact that they hadn’t brought any cooks with them, and so the scientists had tried to make lunch. The results could have been classed as a weak poison.

    “You could say that,” Revic sighed, sadly looking into the distance.

    “Are you ok?” Paige asked, affectionately.

    “Not really,” he groaned. “I’ve never been comfortable on boats.”

    “Why not?”

    “Well, I’ve had bad experiences with them in the past.”

    “I’ve been wondering about that.” Paige revealed. “I heard you having a conversation with Professor Birch the other day about not revealing your real name because people would instantly dislike you.”

    “Look, I’d rather not tell you about that, ok?” he sighed again, resting harder against the wall. “The point is I don’t like boats.”

    “Truth be told, neither do I,” Paige sighed in a similar style to Revic, copying his actions too. “I have bad memories about ships too. I’d like to here yours though.” Paige gave him a look of pleading, and Revic sighed, rolling his eyes.

    “Go on then, here goes!” he said, although he didn’t follow up his proposal. He was worried that she might want to know more afterwards, and he didn’t want anyone else to know about his past. He sighed again, knowing that he had to speak.

    “Right, well, I was just running away from all the bad things that had happened to me, and I had managed to reach Goldenrod city, the biggest city in Johto. I was looking for a way to escape, anyway to get away from what had just happened to me. And then I saw it in the harbour, a goods shipment boat, heading to the far off Hoenn region. And I knew that it was my only chance…”
    __________________________________________________ ___

    The night was a dangerous place in most areas, but on a boat, it was relatively safe. The back rooms where quiet large, unpainted and filled to the brim with crate packed full of goods for the citizens of Hoenn. The stench of rot and dampness filled the air of the uncared for bottom of the boat, and no-one on the cargo ship wanted to be the person to have to take the crates out from the depths. They hadn’t been cleared out for months, as they were too lazy to do it all. That was why it was the perfect place for a stowaway to hide, a place where they would never be discovered. Even the Ratata didn’t dare to venture behind the final crates, although there weren’t many of them anyway, with it being a relatively clean ship apart from the bottom section.

    Revic sat huddled behind the last lot of dusty crates. He had been on the boat for what seemed like days, although it was really just a couple of hours. He hadn’t eaten nor drank for a whole day, nor had he had any sleep. Every time the boat bobbed up and down, he felt more ill. Every single creak from above sounded like someone was coming, and he would have to cramp himself between the stacks of crates. His heart was racing, and visions of his recent days were flashing through his head. They had killed his father. Behind him was a fenced off area where there was a hole about the size of a Tropius, which was far enough from the water not to leak any water into the ship.

    Suddenly, the sudden sound of another, larger creature made the boy jump. What on earth was that? Revic wondered, It can’t be a Ratata, I’ve only seen a few of them. And even then, the small purple rodents had only bared there large teeth and scuttled away. His suspicions were confirmed when a Raticate cannon-balled through some of the crates with a loud crash, and faced Revic menacingly. One of the Ratata had evolved into the larger, fatter, brown rodent, and it obviously thought it was tougher now. And what better way to prove your strength than to defeat the strange looking creature huddled in an area that could have easily been yours. It wasn’t going to show off with it’s large whiskers or fangs, this Raticate meant business.

    Revic would’ve been able to stand up to it on a normal day, as since he had turned ten he had worked on building his muscles. But he couldn’t concentrate enough to keep the large rat down, and it leapt on him, wrestling with him. Revic could smell all the dirt it had been hanging around in, and it curled his nose. He could feel himself growing more tired, and he could feel fresh air close by. They had both been too involved in their little scramble to notice that they had rolled very close to the edge of the hole, and they toppled over.

    With a splash, Revic heard the Raticate hit the water below him and he heard its loud squeals as it was swept away. He had managed to hang on to the land above with his arms, but the floor was slippy with the leaked liquid, and he was losing his grip. His feet touched the freezing cold ocean water every time a large wave passed under the ship. Below him he could hear a loud snarling, a noise made by a Sharpedo, a torpedo shaped shark with glaring eyes. The ferocious, rough skinned beasts were known as some of the worse sea predators in the world, and Revic had been terrified of them ever since he was really little. Slowly he felt his arms slip, and he would need a miracle to save himself. He braced himself for the chill of the water, and to die a horrible death.
    __________________________________________________ ___

    “How did you escape that one?” asked Paige, gripped by the tale.

    “The Sharpedo were attacked by some other sea Pokemon, and I just managed to get back up,” finished Revic, shuddering at his graphic memory.

    “Whoa,” breathed Paige. “I thought it was going to be something pathetic, but that really was terrible. It was much worse than mine. Mine was just being jealous of all the ships leaving Canalave town, where I lived.”

    “That’s the main harbour in Sinnoh, right?” asked Revic, and she nodded, confirming his suspicions.

    “Yep, that brings back bad memories,” she groaned. “People always looked down on me Pokemon wise because of my brother and father being gym leaders.”

    “I’m sure it wasn’t that bad,” added Revic, not helping the situation.

    “That’s easy for you to say,” she said, angrily. “You don’t know what it’s like being the child of a gym leader. You didn’t your whole family making you use Pokemon of their typing. I was only allowed to use Steel, Rock and Ground type Pokemon! I had no individuality.”

    “I think you’ll find that I am the child of a gym leader too,” Revic blurted out, instantly regretting his decision to speak, as he thought it might lead to more of his past being revealed.

    “Really?” she grinned, interested. “I’m sure that that’s part of your secret past as well though, so I won’t quiz you on it,” she finished, making Revic sigh in relief. Paige stood up, getting used to the position again, and yawned. “I’m bored, let’s do something.”

    “Why don’t we see if the captain has any fishing rods?” suggested Revic, who wanted to catch another Pokemon. He had decided that through fishing, you wouldn’t be making the Pokemon join you without reason, as you’d be giving them the opportunity to choose whether they joined you or not. Paige agreed, and the two of them started on their journey to the captain’s cabin, blissfully unaware of the new, brown and blue ship that had appeared close by.
    __________________________________________________ ___

    The other ship was set out in a similar style to an old pirate boat, just with engines. Team Aqua liked to travel in style, but unfortunately for them, they had lost there ships after being defeated in Hoenn. Now the pirate ship was the only one they had, and they had only inherited that from a rather crazed new member of the team. They had got all the gear that they needed stored in the back room of the ship, ready to follow the SS Victory’s crew. The only other main room was a captain’s office in the centre of the ship. The rest of the underneath of the boat was space for the cannons to be activated.

    The deck was set out like a classic pirate ship, with a crow’s nest, barrels and ropes just for eccentricity. The member chosen for the trip were lazing about on the deck, reading, talking and playing games. At the front of the ship was the figure head of a Sharpedo, and the engine control of the ship was set out on a classic pirate ship wheel.

    I do wonder why Archie let him join Team Aqua in the first place, wondered the Team Aqua commander who looked a lot like Waluigi. He was stood behind the captain of the ship, an older man in what looked like a classic pirates costume, complete with a stuffed parrot on his shoulder. He had a long, browny gray beard, and an eye patch, and his eyes were a dull grey colour. His clothes were old and torn but he didn't seem to notice, and he was still merrily singing a sea shanty whilst fiddling with controls. Stopping his song, he looked ahead and spotted the SS Victory.

    “Wahey, me buckos, do ye see that?” the captain yodelled, with a crazy movement of his arm. “Magic! Just like the good ole days, eh Jonah?”

    “There were no old days, Marind,” sighed the Waluigi double, putting his head in his hands as he tried to explain to the older man that he had never been a sailor or a pirate. Marind had gone slightly mentally insane in his middle ages, and had ended up living on an island in the middle of nowhere, believing that it was pirate isle, and that he was the most famous pirate in the world. He had joined Team Aqua because thought that with more water, there would be more boats to attack.

    “Nonsense me boy, nonsense!” chucked Marind, patting Jonah on his skinny back, nearly knocking him over. “Anyways, they be looking like another ship headin’ towards me treasure. As Cap’n of me ship, I says ye launch the cannons.”

    Jonah sighed, bowed politely and walked towards the door to the cannons. He decided that Archie had let Marind join mainly because of the resources that he had to offer. And Jonah had to admit that the man had determination and sailing skills. He positioned himself in the centre of the deck, and then pulled out a large, orange microphone.

    “Right, all cannon users to the underneath,” he shouted. “We’re going to make sure that we get the stone.” Lord, save us, Jonah groaned to himself. May we not kill these poor people. In fact, I have to stop this!
    __________________________________________________ ___

    Fishing certainly needed more patience than Revic was willing to give. They had only been fishing for a few minutes, and he was already getting bored. That mansion place would have been a lot more fun, he moaned. And now I’m stuck on a flaming boat.

    “Cheer up, you’ll catch something soon,” cheered Paige, and Revic really hoped that she was right.

    The sound of something being propelled at a high speed whizzed through the air, and Revic thought that he had actually caught something and thrown it up into the air. His idea was shortly shattered as a large, pitch black cannon ball rocketed itself into the water just in front of the boat. It took them a moment to realise what was going on.

    “We’re under attack!” Revic cried, getting up and preparing to start running to the captain’s office. But one minute he was jogging, and the next there was an almighty creak and he realised that the edge of the ship had been hit, with his part of floor falling away. He seemed to float there comically for a few seconds, and then he started to fall. Well, he imagined that he started his descent.

    Luckily for his, Paige had been close by, and she pulled him up onto a safe bit of the ship, landing them both in a heap on the floor.

    “Are you ok?” she asked friendlily, and then got more annoyed. “I just saved your life! Aren’t you grateful?”

    “Yes, I am thanks.” Revic replied, looking at his savour with complete respect and awe. If it wasn’t for her, he would have fallen into the depths, and nobody knew if that part of the sea was occupied with Sharpedo. “And for your first question, I am alright.” He smiled, sighing in relief. But then the pain in his lungs started again. “Um, actually, no I’m not!” he gasped, clasping to the floor, shocking Paige. And this time no-one could save him as the floor around them shattered, and he slide down the cracked edge, falling off the side of the boat. Paige watched in horror from hanging onto the side as her lover hit the freezing water with a loud splash.

    The water thrust itself around Revic’s falling body, putting more pressure on his lungs. He knew that he needed air, and that he was losing consciousness. His last memory was some kind of fish looming over him, and then his world plunged into darkness.

    Note: Yes I know, it's a pretty weak chapter, and it was probably one of the chapters that I wanted to get on with quickly to get to the good parts. I shall be trying even harder to make my story excellant from now on.
    Last edited by NinjaScepSneasel; 12th March 2011 at 7:58 AM.
    A group of 10 special trainers have been essembled by Professor Birch in a unexplored land. Their mission - to find some special stones to stop Team Magma and Team Aqua from getting them so that the professors can start their indistrialisation of the place. Follow their adventures in "Regional Conflict - The Five Sacred Stones. Please read, and review :)Here is the link. http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?t=482753 Last chapter - Chapter 10: The Tides of Terror

    Please read my other fic, a Unova journey fic - Unova apprentices. - http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?t=498160

    VM me if you want me to review your fic.

    White is nearly done, and nearly all my generation 4 pokemon are on there.

  21. #21
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Location
    USA
    Posts
    199

    Default

    Well, you've really improved quite a bit. Shortly after my review, I stopped reading due to time constraints and the group of reviewers you had that happened to dissapear immediately after I stopped reading. However, your story really hasn't been getting worse, so I have no idea why that happened...

    Anyways, I'm no grammarr genius, and I don't have time to do a grammar check, so I'll just do plot/character/analytical stuff that I do much better, starting with things I disliked, and going towards better things:

    Grammar: Many other people do this much better, so I'm not going to comment, as I don't really read for grammatical mistakes. I did catch quite a few, which probably drove most readers astray. Your grammar really makes the story come off as a n00b story that quickly deteriorates, and isn't worth reading. This isn't the case. Therefore, I really suggest that you spend more time proofreading than you already do.

    Plot devices: Okay, was the demon posession a bit too much of a "uh-oh, I created a stereotypical rival and must somehow get around the problem," thing to go unnoticed? I'll give you credit that it was a creative way to get out of an awkward position as a writer, while undoing past mistakes, but it could easily be seen as a "jumping the shark" moment for a reader. (NOTE: "Jumping the shark" is a phrase for the exact moment where something starts to go downhill) This is probably why you lost a few readers/reviewers.

    Romance-type-thing: It just seemed... sudden, for lack of a better word. Out of nowhere, some sort of romantic one-sided relationship develops. Combined with the demon posession thing, and you have a definate "jumping the shark" set of chapters. It's decently well done, but it was seemed rather spontaneous. I don't do this well at all, so once again, I'm going to shut up now.

    Battles: The triple battle was rather short for what it could have been, and three gym leaders appearing from nowhere to challenge the three protagonsits seems kind of... spontaneous. Nonetheless, this section was not intended to be solely about that battle. You actually tend to avoid battles whenever possible, which works for semi-journey fics, and spares the tedious process of a battle a chapter. It was actually a mental thing I did as I read chapters to see how you avoided a battle in that chapter. When you do create a battle, they are rather well executed, but seem kind of brief. Then again, with an overpowered Sneasel in the mix, it is going to be a pretty fast-paced battle by default... I like how you do them, and it's interesting to pick up that you almost like to avoid them. Once again, not a bad thing, and a rather neutral section.

    Dialogue: I don't really notice it that often, which is a sure sign that you're not some random, terrible writer who doesn't know what they're doing. Somewhat normal dialogue is a start, but it was very cliche at parts. If you can remove some of that, you should be pretty good.

    Humor: It's subtle in most areas, but I like it when it comes. Delusional people are epic, and pirates are even more so. Overall, a very nice trend that I can't comment on very much. Keep up the good work in that regard.

    Now, I'm going to conclude things with the underlying problem behind your problems, and the thing that I loved the most:

    Problem to end all problems:

    Spontaneous events. Things just happen really quickly, and out of nowhere. Three gym leaders walk in and issue a challenge. An old man walks out of the forest, and sends the Mighteyena away. Paige gets poisoned. Clane is possessed by a Bannette. Paige falls in love. THINGS. JUST. HAPPEN. This is good in moderation, but you had one brief span where you spammed a lot of plot devices, with no foreshadowing or priorly stated clues as to why that would happen. In short, if you're going to use a plot device, think before you employ it. Also, making certain things (Paige falling in love) take a few chapters is never a bad thing. That way, people don't really notice the plot device unless they're looking at things from a really broad, analytical perspective.

    Saving Grace:

    The Nidoran/Poocheyena subplot was the single thing that kept me reading above all else. I love how you fit in humor in a believable-ish way through the use of very good situations and humorous characters. The fact that you could use those in order to move along the main story-line is even better. I'm just sad that the story-line ended.

    In short: You had what appeared to be a "Jumping the shark" moment with an OK introduction preceeding it. I would like to point out that following the moment, things got much, much better. Also, lack of reviews =/= lack of readers. My story just cleared 1,000 views, and I never post a chapter expecting a review. One of my favorite stories on these forums just ended with a grand total of two reviews. Lack of reviews has little indication on your skill as a writer, and shouldn't discourage you from writing.
    The Flash Drive of Champions: Backgrounds

    There are many reasons to journey in the Pokemon World. It turns out that banishment, Bond Villains, unbeatable rivals and being forced to attend one dance too many are among them.

    File 2.5 is up. Gela literally puts on a show for the world to see while elsewhen her world is shattered beyond repair.

  22. #22
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Location
    Derby, UK
    Posts
    117

    Default

    Yay, the return of the almighty Rediamond! Edits in bold
    Quote Originally Posted by Rediamond View Post
    Well, you've really improved quite a bit. Shortly after my review, I stopped reading due to time constraints and the group of reviewers you had that happened to dissapear immediately after I stopped reading. However, your story really hasn't been getting worse, so I have no idea why that happened...

    Thanks, yeah, around chapter 4 loads of people reviewed for about one chapter, and then BAm! they were gone. Thanks for the return, though. I have been contacting many reviewers to see if they would do it, and Manaphyman is going to be reviewing too, hopefully.

    Anyways, I'm no grammarr genius, and I don't have time to do a grammar check, so I'll just do plot/character/analytical stuff that I do much better, starting with things I disliked, and going towards better things:

    Likeing the joke there.

    Grammar: Many other people do this much better, so I'm not going to comment, as I don't really read for grammatical mistakes. I did catch quite a few, which probably drove most readers astray. Your grammar really makes the story come off as a n00b story that quickly deteriorates, and isn't worth reading. This isn't the case. Therefore, I really suggest that you spend more time proofreading than you already do.

    Yeah, my grammer was REALLY bad at the start. The thing is though, I don't know which bits to improve on, and what is wrong, and they are pointed out to me by IanDonyer, who is very slowly working his way through. Sorry about that. I also have such terrible luck and I often miss little mistakes in editing :P
    Plot devices: Okay, was the demon posession a bit too much of a "uh-oh, I created a stereotypical rival and must somehow get around the problem," thing to go unnoticed? I'll give you credit that it was a creative way to get out of an awkward position as a writer, while undoing past mistakes, but it could easily be seen as a "jumping the shark" moment for a reader. (NOTE: "Jumping the shark" is a phrase for the exact moment where something starts to go downhill) This is probably why you lost a few readers/reviewers.

    I was kind of going to do that, but I did get very carried away with the evilness, so I added that, yes. I didn't realise it was going to cause lack of readers :P Ah well, I have many years to learn, and hopefully I will be as good as people like Brezy when I reach their age (I am only 14)

    Romance-type-thing: It just seemed... sudden, for lack of a better word. Out of nowhere, some sort of romantic one-sided relationship develops. Combined with the demon posession thing, and you have a definate "jumping the shark" set of chapters. It's decently well done, but it was seemed rather spontaneous. I don't do this well at all, so once again, I'm going to shut up now.

    You do do it well, don't disbelive in yourself! I was going to put that in origanally, and I should of focused more on her feelings earlier. But I don't really think it was that sudden, KissMyGrass picked up on it before I even started that bit.

    Battles: The triple battle was rather short for what it could have been, and three gym leaders appearing from nowhere to challenge the three protagonsits seems kind of... spontaneous. Nonetheless, this section was not intended to be solely about that battle. You actually tend to avoid battles whenever possible, which works for semi-journey fics, and spares the tedious process of a battle a chapter. It was actually a mental thing I did as I read chapters to see how you avoided a battle in that chapter. When you do create a battle, they are rather well executed, but seem kind of brief. Then again, with an overpowered Sneasel in the mix, it is going to be a pretty fast-paced battle by default... I like how you do them, and it's interesting to pick up that you almost like to avoid them. Once again, not a bad thing, and a rather neutral section.

    Thanks, I'm glad that you like them. It was even worse to start off with, I'll tell you! I di find that rather hard to explain, sorry, showing my nooby youngsterness again.

    Dialogue: I don't really notice it that often, which is a sure sign that you're not some random, terrible writer who doesn't know what they're doing. Somewhat normal dialogue is a start, but it was very cliche at parts. If you can remove some of that, you should be pretty good.

    Can you explain this further please? How is it clitche? And I though I had quite a lot of Diologue.

    Humor: It's subtle in most areas, but I like it when it comes. Delusional people are epic, and pirates are even more so. Overall, a very nice trend that I can't comment on very much. Keep up the good work in that regard.

    Yay, something that I'm actually alright at.

    Now, I'm going to conclude things with the underlying problem behind your problems, and the thing that I loved the most:

    Problem to end all problems:

    Spontaneous events. Things just happen really quickly, and out of nowhere. Three gym leaders walk in and issue a challenge. An old man walks out of the forest, and sends the Mighteyena away. Paige gets poisoned. Clane is possessed by a Bannette. Paige falls in love. THINGS. JUST. HAPPEN. This is good in moderation, but you had one brief span where you spammed a lot of plot devices, with no foreshadowing or priorly stated clues as to why that would happen. In short, if you're going to use a plot device, think before you employ it. Also, making certain things (Paige falling in love) take a few chapters is never a bad thing. That way, people don't really notice the plot device unless they're looking at things from a really broad, analytical perspective.

    Well, unfortunately, that is probably going to continue. With them going to lots of different places, there will be many different subplots going on at different times. I do like my plots and ideas, and Revic will end up somewhere completely different in the next chapter too. I'm sorry, that's just the way it goes. And it was Valner, not Clane who was possessed.

    I also disagree a bit there. Paige getting poisoned couldn't really be explained before, it's not as if Mew is going to appear out of no-where and tell her. It was said that Nidoran was their, so it's not as if Nidoran appeared out of no-where either. The Banette thing kind of does develop, when he starts roaring to the Mightyena to kill them. And I couldn't really do anything with Guardio either.

    Anyhow, I do agree on the other to. I really should have made Paige's feeling known before. Origanally, Beri was going to be the main female character, and Paige was going to join later. I didn't really think of her as a main character until the forest bit, so I should've explained her feelings. And I meant to say with the gym leaders that Birch had told them about them, and they decided to ask them for a battle.

    Saving Grace:

    The Nidoran/Poocheyena subplot was the single thing that kept me reading above all else. I love how you fit in humor in a believable-ish way through the use of very good situations and humorous characters. The fact that you could use those in order to move along the main story-line is even better. I'm just sad that the story-line ended.

    Oh, don't worry, Nidoran is returning. And I'm really glad that you like my humour.

    In short: You had what appeared to be a "Jumping the shark" moment with an OK introduction preceeding it. I would like to point out that following the moment, things got much, much better. Also, lack of reviews =/= lack of readers. My story just cleared 1,000 views, and I never post a chapter expecting a review. One of my favorite stories on these forums just ended with a grand total of two reviews. Lack of reviews has little indication on your skill as a writer, and shouldn't discourage you from writing.

    Wow, they did? thanks. And I wasn't really dicouraged until I saw all the ways in which I could improve from this massive list. I want people to review it because I know that I am bad, as proven by the long list.
    Anyway, thanks for the awesome review, you legend. I would've liked to of known about my characterisation as well, but you did do a great job, much better than I could ever do.

    Also, when you said that it got better, how did it? Reviewing isn't just about improvement. Actually, look who is talking - the king of the "I liked this but I'm not going to explain why".

    Thanks a lot Please continue to read You have encouraged me to edit through a lot more. Chapter 9 should be up later.
    Last edited by NinjaScepSneasel; 14th March 2011 at 6:25 PM.
    A group of 10 special trainers have been essembled by Professor Birch in a unexplored land. Their mission - to find some special stones to stop Team Magma and Team Aqua from getting them so that the professors can start their indistrialisation of the place. Follow their adventures in "Regional Conflict - The Five Sacred Stones. Please read, and review :)Here is the link. http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?t=482753 Last chapter - Chapter 10: The Tides of Terror

    Please read my other fic, a Unova journey fic - Unova apprentices. - http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?t=498160

    VM me if you want me to review your fic.

    White is nearly done, and nearly all my generation 4 pokemon are on there.

  23. #23
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Location
    USA
    Posts
    199

    Default

    I normally don't counter-reply, but why not...

    Quote Originally Posted by NinjaScepSneasel View Post
    Yay, the return of the almighty Rediamond! Edits in bold

    Wait, you're really desperate, or have never seen Breezy review.

    Thanks, yeah, around chapter 4 loads of people reviewed for about one chapter, and then BAm! they were gone. Thanks for the return, though. I have been contacting many reviewers to see if they would do it, and Manaphyman is going to be reviewing too, hopefully.

    Well, I like infrequent reviews (my style) better than reviewing every chapter. That way a big picture context is established, and there's more to comment on. However, one-time reviewing does get annoying...

    Yeah, my grammer was REALLY bad at the start. The thing is though, I don't know which bits to improve on, and what is wrong, and they are pointed out to me by IanDonyer, who is very slowly working his way through. Sorry about that. I also have such terrible luck and I often miss little mistakes in editing :P

    I know... that was why I quit my first try.

    I was kind of going to do that, but I did get very carried away with the evilness, so I added that, yes. I didn't realise it was going to cause lack of readers :P Ah well, I have many years to learn, and hopefully I will be as good as people like Brezy when I reach their age (I am only 14)

    The power of distruction wielded by one archetypal character is never to be underestimated. That was a nice catch, and at least you didn't have a major problem for an entire story. Same on the improvement thing. I'm only 14 too, so I have quite a bit of time to learn to improve reviewing skills.

    You do do it well, don't disbelive in yourself! I was going to put that in origanally, and I should of focused more on her feelings earlier. But I don't really think it was that sudden, KissMyGrass picked up on it before I even started that bit.

    *looks through page one* Ouch, sorry about that. This is my second try to read this, so I forgot about a lot of the early hints. Disregard most of that but the dawn of it as a full-blown force seemed rather sudden. And as for the first comment, I have never tried a romance ever...

    Thanks, I'm glad that you like them. It was even worse to start off with, I'll tell you! I did find that rather hard to explain, sorry, showing my nooby youngsterness again.

    Grammar catch. The battle was good, and it's okay to use minor plot devices like that, so long as it doesn't totally alter the plot with little reason.

    Can you explain this further please? How is it clitche? And I though I had quite a lot of Diologue.

    First off, I do this stuff worse than you do. There are still the stereotypical "Mwa hah hah, we will rule the world, Mr. Bond, and there's nothing you can do to stop us!" type things. They aren't very frequent, but whenever Archie/Maxie speaks, I start to notice it.

    Yay, something that I'm actually alright at.

    If I didn't comment on it, it's probably alright. I have given longer lists of problems to Honors English students at my high school, on essays that were only three pages long. Trust me, this is nothing.


    Well, unfortunately, that is probably going to continue. With them going to lots of different places, there will be many different subplots going on at different times. I do like my plots and ideas, and Revic will end up somewhere completely different in the next chapter too. I'm sorry, that's just the way it goes. And it was Valner, not Clane who was possessed.

    *facepalms* I'm sorry, but I don't remember names. Ever. Now where was I going, *glances through Flames of Dawn* oh wait, that... I just realized that i pulled a crapload of plot devices in my last chapter with no good reasoning other than I had dug myself into a proberbial hole, so I can't really comment here. Also, minor things don't really matter, so long as you don't pull plot twists out of thin air on a regular basis.

    I also disagree a bit there. Paige getting poisoned couldn't really be explained before, it's not as if Mew is going to appear out of no-where and tell her. It was said that Nidoran was their, so it's not as if Nidoran appeared out of no-where either. The Banette thing kind of does develop, when he starts roaring to the Mightyena to kill them. And I couldn't really do anything with Guardio either.

    Anyhow, I do agree on the other to. I really should have made Paige's feeling known before. Origanally, Beri was going to be the main female character, and Paige was going to join later. I didn't really think of her as a main character until the forest bit, so I should've explained her feelings. And I meant to say with the gym leaders that Birch had told them about them, and they decided to ask them for a battle.

    Yeah, some of that stuff makes sense now. I agree with the Paige thing, but you did pull a lot of plot devices/twists very quickly. I have no idea where I'm going with this comment. Maybe it's not the original problem I thought it was... give me another few chapters to get back to you on that.

    Oh, don't worry, Nidoran is returning. And I'm really glad that you like my humour.

    Yes! I love Nidoran...

    Wow, they did? thanks. And I wasn't really dicouraged until I saw all the ways in which I could improve from this massive list. I want people to review it because I know that I am bad, as proven by the long list.

    A long list of things isn't bad. For four chapters of a first attempt at fanfiction, it's not really bad at all. Besides, the fact that I bothered to take the time to type that out, and then wasted a half hour writing my rebuttals, shows that I think this fic could go somewhere. As for the example, yes, it's happened. Thankfully, he got more reviews on FF.net

    Anyway, thanks for the awesome review, you legend. I would've liked to of known about my characterisation as well, but you did do a great job, much better than I could ever do.

    Know more about characterization? I do plots, characterization is good, just try to avoid sudden shifts. Give a few hints here and there before it happens on a full blown scale. As for the legend thing, what did I ever do...

    Also, when you said that it got better, how did it? Reviewing isn't just about improvement. Actually, look who is talking - the king of the "I liked this but I'm not going to explain why".

    [B]Well, it just read better. Things had a motivation, battles and dialogue were better, characters weren't entirely archetypes, anything I commented on in my last review got better, grammar wasn't terrible. In short, people kind of lost the long list of things that made this fic bad, so reviews slowed down.

    Eh, I'll be back in a few chapters.
    The Flash Drive of Champions: Backgrounds

    There are many reasons to journey in the Pokemon World. It turns out that banishment, Bond Villains, unbeatable rivals and being forced to attend one dance too many are among them.

    File 2.5 is up. Gela literally puts on a show for the world to see while elsewhen her world is shattered beyond repair.

  24. #24
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Location
    Derby, UK
    Posts
    117

    Default

    Hello dudes! I was just about done on this on Monday, but then I read Rediamond's fantastic review and made loads of edits. Persaonally, I think it's my best chapter. But, before then, a reply to Rediamond.

    Rediamond - Yay, encouragement. I agree with your next comments, and yes, I have seen Breezy review. Man, she coveres EVERYTHING! Anyway, a couple of chapters is fine, as long as it happens. I shall check out your fabn fic now, so that I can say how it's not as bad as you kept on making it seem (The negative comments against it)

    Anyway, lets get on with it man!

    Chapter 9: The Ruins of the Ancient Sea Tribe

    The blue void spiralled off impossibly in every direction possible, heading towards thousands of different unknown points. I do wish I’d stop ending up in this stupid place Revic thought to himself, eyes closed, floating in his dream world like he usually did. The place seemed to be extremely real compared to normal dream environments, and even the five senses could faintly be felt.

    “You have entered my domain again,” echoed the high pitched voice.

    “Not by choice,” muttered Revic, opening his eyes. “Technically, you brought me here like you’ve started to do. And I’m rather sick of just floating here, so could you stop with the mysticness and get a move on.”

    “Somebody’s in a bad mood…” murmured the voice, which now had stopped trying to sound mystical and now sounded superior, and almost animal like. “You’re lucky – your time to meet me is nearly upon you.”

    “Oh great,” said Revic, enthusiastically. “I’ve been looking forward to finding out who or what has been taking me to this stupid place and thinking that if they talk to me as if I’m some crazy religionist listening to some wacky fictional God, I will respect them. You obviously think that you are superior to me.”

    “Maybe I am, human,” the voice fought back, “maybe I am. You must follow your first command now – “do exactly what you are told.” Then you will be lead to me. Now, I shall drop you off into the real world."

    “Great. I’m looking forward to it,” said Revic, cockily as the void started to clear. Then the memories of his deccent into the sea suddenly flashed through his mind. “Hang on a second, shouldn’t I be dead? Wait!” he yelled louder, trying to get the voice’s attention. But it had long since left.

    Revic was now faced with the opening void, which seemed to be moving him forwards like some kind of tunnel. Finally it cleared, and he was stood up in the real world.

    Whoa thought Revic. I’ve got to stop with the weird dreams. Where am I anyway? Revic adjusted his eyes and legs to his surroundings, and realised that he was in some kind of underwater tunnel. It wasn’t too cramped, and the water was shallow – it only went up to his ankles. He was soaking wet, which was not suprising after falling into the sea, but at least he was safe and alive. His bag was lying on the floor next to him, containing his explorer gear and Sneasel’s pokeball. It was surprisingly dry, and Revic reached for his brown hat, and placed it onto his head.

    But how? he wondered. Surely I couldn’t have survived even that? A deep humming sound wafted through the shallow air, coming from the far corner of the light brown cave walls. This is a remarkable place he admitted, looking at the crumbling walls that somehow managed to stop the tonnes of water above from filling the tunnels. It was also light without and source of light. Revic decided that he should follow the sound as it was the only sensible idea that popped into his brain. He was lost and alone, but thankful to be living.

    Every slow step he took down the damp tunnel echoed around the narrow rocks. The edges cramped in at one point, and Revic had to squeeze himself through. But after that, the cavern widened and lead to a massive chamber, which was full of dark, deep water. There was a small exit underneath the water that seemed to lead upwards to the sea above.

    This is all very good, but what am I actually doing alive? I’m grateful, of course, but there is no logical explanation for my living. Revic climbed up onto a rocky alcove, and sat, wondering what to do. He was wondering about his mission and the special stone when he noticed that a tall, pink fish had swum in through the underwater tunnel. Then Revic realised how he had survived.

    The fish was an Alomomola, a tall, flat heart shaped fish with a giant fin above and below the main body that looked like an angels wings. Alomomola were known for rescuing injured sea animals, and they had obviously realised that Revic wasn’t too comfortable about being underwater. So, they had taken him to the nearest land they could find, a strange network of old tunnels. Hundreds of the creatures filed into the cave, making it look like a stereotypical young girl’s bedroom – completely pink. The Alomomola were all bobbing up and down and surrounding Revic’s alcove, checking on their patient. Just what I needed – the underwater doctor’s committee. Revic groaned, although he was very grateful to the fish.

    “I’m fine, thanks!” he called down, trying to get up. But as he did, his lungs tightened like they had done countless times before, and he fell back down. The Alomomola watched him grimace in pain, and talked among themselves, deciding on something. One Alomomola glided forwards, firing a pink beam towards Revic’s lungs, and a strange sensation followed in Revic’s mind –

    “Kill the leader!” the angry villagers chanted, charging forwards with their torches and equally as angry Pokemon.

    “Stop, you must stop!” cried the young Revic, as more and more people approached, slashing him out of the way, and knocking his left lung. Tears streamed from the boy’s eyes, and he scuttled away into the darkness, helped by his Sneasel.


    Revic returned with a bang to reality, and found that his lungs no longer felt any pain.

    “Thanks guys, I think you just saved me from nearly dieing a couple thousand more times,” grinned Revic, extremely pleased with the creatures, but cursing his own luck. The Alomomola all nodded in contentment, and gracefully glided back through their little tunnel. I need one of those little dudes agreed Revic, flabbergasted.

    “Revic! You’re alive!” screamed Paige ecstatically from the other side of the cave. She was dressed in a skin tight diving costume as dark as her hair. She screamed again, and rushed over to him, hugging him tightly, leaving him to pat her back.

    “So are you,” he said awkwardly, baffled and not sure what to do or say.

    “We thought you’d drowned. How did you survive?” she asked, still crushing his lungs in her grip. “Oh, sorry, your lungs!” she realised, releasing him.

    “Its fine,” Revic indicated, although he didn’t want her to hug him again. “I was saved by some Alomomola who brought me here, and they also just healed my lungs.”

    “That’s fantastic!” she squealed, going back to cuddling him. “Why did you get those pains anyway?”

    “Past injuries,” he shrugged her off. “Anyway, how come all of you are still alive after that attack?”

    “Ah, well it turned out that the other ship was Team Aqua,” Paige explained. “And one of their leaders got a bit carried away, and was soon interrupted, so they stopped firing after they saw you fall. The back of the ship was the only thing damaged, and we could continue as it didn’t damage anything essential. Then they sent a Murkrow over to apologise, but whilst they were doing that, they were sending people down here, and we soon followed.”

    “Cool, let’s go and find this stone then,” finished Revic, starting off towards the exit.

    “Wait, Mr Vantula,” called Paige, dashing in front of him, and stopping him. “I can’t see how anyone can become proper friends with you when you reference to things that you won’t tell anyone, and don’t let anyone understand your background. You must promise me that you will tell me everything when we get back to the base.”

    Revic panicked inside She has me on the spot! What do I do? Do I tell her? Revic sighed deeply, making up his mind. To be honest, she has a point. She has a right to know.

    “Very well then, I promise.” Revic sighed.

    “Oh good, I’m glad we cleared that one up,” Paige smiled. “Now, this tunnel leads in three directions from one centre cave. Two of our lot are searching around in other parts of the sea. And the other one went off down one tunnel, meaning that we have one more to explore.”

    “What are we waiting for then?” spat Revic, tired of being in the cave. The two of them set off through the caving system, watched by a lone Alomomola, smiling as it decided that Revic needed extra attention. It agreed on what it would do, and then dived away, heading to a certain place.
    __________________________________________________ ___

    It had been a long trek through the rocks. They had had to dodge many outcrops, pillars and large stalagmites. They had past many pools filled with Krabbys, (A little red and cream crab with large pincers) and a pile of underwater helmets and large oxygen tanks, which belonged to the explorers. Surprisingly, the tunnel was even brighter than it had been before. The tunnel narrowed to a tiny squeeze, and then grew a lot wider.

    “I think we’re getting closer to a larger chamber,” whispered Revic, thinking that he should respect any wild Pokemon in the cave by keeping quiet.

    “How can you tell?” asked Paige, brushing her hair behind her body.

    “Well, I have spent over a year exploring caves similar to this.”

    “Sorry!” they continued walking in near silence – the sound of their footsteps echoed around the tube of rock. Sure enough, Revic was right – after going downwards for a while they soon entered a massive chamber completely different from where they had just been.

    In colouring it looked not to different to the cave in the forest, with many ancient crumbling pillars with an old language written on them. However, it also had paths of water heading through the middle what lead into smaller tunnels. In the shallow water were a few Alomomola, and Revic went over and petted them, congratulating them on rescuing him. There was a larger exit at the back, and as there was nothing else left to do, the two of them headed through.

    On the other side was another chamber which was exactly the same in style, but was ten times bigger and had steps at the other side. The water paths were even more frequent in that chamber and many Pokemon were carrying sharp rocks down them.

    “Look Revic, Omantye!” squealed Paige, jumping about and then squatting to get close to the creatures. Omantye were the younger forms of Omaster. The difference between the two was that Omantye only had enough tentacles to be classed as arms and legs, and its spiral shell was even bigger. The little fossil creatures looked towards the new creatures with their huge cute eyes, but they just sighed wearily.

    “Wonderful.” Revic stated – he was much more interested at the Pawniards that were carrying rocks through the chamber. The little armoured humanoids were often described as living steel chess pieces, and they certainly looked impressive with their single spiked helmets and pointed arms.

    “It is actually,” Paige muttered. “Omantye are meant to be fossil Pokemon that are only just being brought back through the resurrection of fossils. And they are alive in here!” Paige let out another joyful screech, and then let Omaster out to play with its kind. Soon all the Omantye were distracted by their superior and they had all stopped their task. Revic strolled around the room, examining the Pawniards closely. They seemed to be extremely focused on whatever they were doing, and they didn’t even take any notice of the humans. But when Revic tried to exit up the stairs, a few Pawniards would force him back. Hmm he thought. What do we do now?
    __________________________________________________ ___

    The lone creature watched the new arrivals from a hole in the old wall. The blue wolf studied the new creatures. They certainly are unique the wolf thought, closing his eyes to try and decide what to do. His long brown ears fell behind his head like a ninja’s headband, and it clenched its little spiked fists together. Hmm. They are disturbing the work force. Therefore they are a threat. As a member of the Riolu guard service, I must inform our clan leader.

    Riolu sighed piteously at the newcomer’s fate, and then telepathically started sending his message.
    __________________________________________________ ___

    “So we can’t get through?” Paige asked desperately, indicating to the steps, and Revic nodded. They had been stood in the cave for around ten minutes, and Omaster was still playing with the Omantye.

    “Those little metal dudes stop me every time I try and go through. They may be small, but they are pretty hard,” Revic explained.

    “What are we going to do, then? The stone could well be behind there.” Paige worried impatiently.

    “I don’t know,” started Revic, suddenly whispering. “But I think we may be about to find out.” He pointed to one of the smaller tunnels. Riolu were rushing out of them, followed by a few Pawniards, who then surrounded the adventurers. Paige was about to call to Omaster, but Revic stopped her.

    “They look pretty angry, I think we’ve intruded their land,” Revic explained glumly. “I think we’d better just do what they want us to do.” Paige understood, and returned Omaster just as they were lead off by the animals.

    Poor things thought the guard Riolu.
    __________________________________________________ ___

    Paige and Revic were lead down a long and bright tunnel similar to the ones that they had been through earlier. This one however had the ruined pillars like the chambers had, and there were even little carvings in them of animals. After a few long minutes they reached the end, a chamber filled with the pillars. There was what looked like a table made out of rock, and a few wide stairs lead to it. Behind the table was a large pillar with a glowing object inside.

    We’ve found the stone! Revic realised. Maybe they will just give it to us. Maybe we’re people from legends or something.

    Don’t be hopeful, traveller, a growling voice rang out. It seemed to come from no-where and everywhere and inside both Revic and Paige’s heads all at the same time. Revic now noticed that there was a gruff looking Lucario sat at the stone table, giving them an evil glare. Lucario is the evolved form of Riolu, and the larger wolf had lost its baggy ears and they had been replaced be normal wolves ears. There a single long spike on the Lucarios tummy and its paw spikes had grown longer and sharper too.

    Before you start with the puzzled questions, I am communicating to you with my strong aura the wolf explained. And believe me, it isn’t easy. You have bigger brains than most Pokemon that come here, so it is harder to communicate with you. And your language really stinks by the way. I suggest you change it.

    Just what we needed groaned Revic. A comedy wolf.

    “Hello. We meant you no harm, we’re just here for the…” Paige tried to explain, but she was interrupted.

    Silence, puny normal type. You have disrupted our workforce, and I can guess that you seek our precious stone. Don’t think that you are going to get it.

    “Excuse me, but we are not normal.” Revic argued angrily.

    I think you are, sneered the Lucario. You have shown use of the moves tackle, slash, bite and other normal related moves. Revic groaned again, embarrassed that the Lucario thought that his efforts of trying to get through the guarded entrance was a Pokemon battle.

    “Well, I’m sorry for disturbing your work, but what are you doing anyway?” Revic demanded.

    We are searching for more stones like the one you seek. We know that they have great power and awe.

    “Ah, well, you won’t have any luck then. There is only one here, and we’re going to get that,” Revic smiled, standing up against the ferocious wolf.

    SILENCE! Lucario roared, which was very hard to do through mental contact. Our work is very precious, and you should never have interrupted. You shall be destroyed, and you will never get our stone. Lucario then started growling aloud, and the Riolu all nodded in agreement and lead the two humans through a side exit, suposedly to their doom.

    “Wait!” called Revic, desperate not to face whatever Lucario intended. “What is this place anyway?”

    This place was founded by the ancient tribes of the sea Lucario impatiently explained. Apparently the ultimate beings were out it the sea when the fell to the depths and couldn’t return to their homes. They lived here and built their own domain until they died mysteriously.

    “Ah, well we’re your ancients,” Revic grinned, having noticed some stick figures carved into the old pillars. “Our ancesters are your sacred tribe. Who’s a pathectic normal type now?

    You could have asked if you wanted to die quicker Lucario scowled, barking orders to his Riolu to take them away faster. Lucario smiled as the Riolu started forcing them away down the tunnel. No-one will ever get our stone. Little did he realise how wrong he was.

    With a flash of strength, a bunch of Mightyena, Swampert and Craudaunt (A large red lobster with blue tummy markings and huge pincers) rampaged into the room, surprising and knocking out the Riolu, and smacking Revic and Paige to the floor.

    What? panicked Lucario, shocked as he was held down by two muscular Hitmonchan. Then Revic realised what was going on, and laid flat on the floor. Jonah walked solemnly into the room, followed by Marind and several Aqua grunts.

    “I am so sorry,” he said, sadly shaking his head. “But it was the only way.” Putting on a sad face, he snatched the stone and gave it to the excited Marind. “Come on, let’s leave this place.” With the final order, the humans and Pokemon retreated.

    NO! Lucario roared, getting up and blasting the walls in an angry rampage. If you take the stone, then the stone will take us all! Blue orbs of power were fired all around the room, exploding with loud rumbles, and frightening the Team Aqua grunts. The men in blue hastily retreated through the larger tunnel. Lucario continued his mental rampage, and the walls started to crumble and sink slowly as tiny jets of water started to leak from the roof. Revic pulled himself together, and grabbed Paige worriedly.

    “Come on, Team Aqua are getting away!” he yelled, making a dive for the exit. But a loud grumble screeched from the ceiling, and hundreds of rocks tumbled down in front of Revic, blocking the exit. Now what do we do?
    A group of 10 special trainers have been essembled by Professor Birch in a unexplored land. Their mission - to find some special stones to stop Team Magma and Team Aqua from getting them so that the professors can start their indistrialisation of the place. Follow their adventures in "Regional Conflict - The Five Sacred Stones. Please read, and review :)Here is the link. http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?t=482753 Last chapter - Chapter 10: The Tides of Terror

    Please read my other fic, a Unova journey fic - Unova apprentices. - http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?t=498160

    VM me if you want me to review your fic.

    White is nearly done, and nearly all my generation 4 pokemon are on there.

  25. #25
    Join Date
    Mar 2011
    Location
    Rio de Janeiro,RJ,Brazil
    Posts
    51

    Default

    Likjed it!it's nice and clear


    Thank you for the set Millarc3005

Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •