Results 1 to 15 of 15

Thread: The Origin

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Feb 2011
    Location
    Minnesota, Don'cha know?
    Posts
    205

    Default The Origin

    This fic is currently rated PG to be safe.

    Prologue:

    I laid in my bed, still as I heard clattering outside my closed bedroom door. I looked at my clock. It read 1:00 in the morning. I reached for my endtable and grabbed the pokemon egg that was sitting in an incubator on the table. I carefully, slowly, and quietly opened the incubator and grabbed the egg, pressing it against my chest. My warm, beating chest. By this time, I was sweating, the egg becoming slipperier and slipperier. It started glowing. "Damn," I thought. "this egg will surely blow my cover." I heard the door open.
    "I found you, Kelly."

    Table of Contents:
    Chapter 1
    Chapter 2
    Last edited by Sarcastic Oshawott; 5th August 2011 at 4:33 AM.
    Quote Originally Posted by WizardTrubbish View Post
    Description: I am sexy
    ~I Like Boys~

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Jun 2011
    Location
    In a Chocolate Fondue Fountain
    Posts
    254

    Default

    Nice Prologue.
    Special thanks to Sworn Metalhead for the epic banner.

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Jun 2011
    Location
    Equestria, u jelly?
    Posts
    434

    Default

    This sounds interesting I wanna read moarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
    \

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Feb 2011
    Location
    Minnesota, Don'cha know?
    Posts
    205

    Default

    Chapter 1:
    The Pokemon that Hatched from the Egg

    "Aron, go!" The mysterious man shouted as he threw a pokeball. Aron!
    "Now, wait a minute sir- I have some questions. One- how the Hell do you know my name? Two- I don't have a pokem--
    "Now when did I say we were going to have a battle?" The strange man interrupted in his raspy voice. "Aron, Take Down." "Aroonnnnnn!!!!" I was hit by Aron's force of might, and fell over. Suddenly, under my covers, a light glowed. The man looked at it, then me. Then it, then me again. He repeated this about five more times, looking quite stupid if I may say so myself- and then stopped.
    "Girl!" He shouted in my face after slowly walked up to me. I looked at him and asked-
    "Well, apparently, you know my name. Address me by it." I said boldly.
    "Bold as brass." He remarked, and spat in my face.
    "Feeebah." The man and I both looked at the egg. It was moving by now and flashing light.
    "Feebas!" The egg started cracking and flopping. On my bed, was, of all pokemon, a Feebas. But not just any Feebas. No. On my bed, was a Shiny Feebas.
    I stared, wide-eyed at the pokemon flopping on my bed. The man reached for Feebas. I tackled him and we fell to the floor.
    "Err... Feebas! Attack Aron!" I commanded.
    "Feeeeebaaaasssss!!!" I watched as Feebas released a strong pulse from it's mouth. The man watched, horrified with awe, as the Feebas released the Dragon Pulse upon Aron, instantly fainting it.
    "Return." The man spoke quietly. He chuckled. "I knew it." He ran off, leaving a Prism Scale in his wake, and I turned to Feebas.
    "I know what I will name you!" I exclaimed. "Origin." The word left my mouth, and I wish that word had never left my lips.
    Quote Originally Posted by WizardTrubbish View Post
    Description: I am sexy
    ~I Like Boys~

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Jul 2011
    Location
    In my house... Why?
    Posts
    58

    Default

    Seems interesting, even if I do say so myself.
    Pokemon Black FC: 3782 9532 6994
    PM me if you want an Oshawott
    [IMG]http://i52.*******.com/2ducxgk.gif[/IMG]



        Spoiler:- Credit:


  6. #6
    Join Date
    Feb 2011
    Location
    Minnesota, Don'cha know?
    Posts
    205

    Default

    Thanks you guys! I hope this fic will be more successful than my last. (As it is now unbumpable)
    Quote Originally Posted by WizardTrubbish View Post
    Description: I am sexy
    ~I Like Boys~

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Jul 2011
    Location
    In my house... Why?
    Posts
    58

    Default

    Well you have at least one reader that you didn't before
    *hugging a shiny feebas plushy*
    Pokemon Black FC: 3782 9532 6994
    PM me if you want an Oshawott
    [IMG]http://i52.*******.com/2ducxgk.gif[/IMG]



        Spoiler:- Credit:


  8. #8
    Join Date
    Feb 2011
    Location
    What is this?
    Posts
    166

    Default

    interesting....
    If you believe in Jesus Christ put this in your profile and don't just ignore this, because in the Bible it says, ‘If you deny me, I will deny you in front of my Father in the gates of Heaven.

    I have returned

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Jun 2011
    Location
    In a Chocolate Fondue Fountain
    Posts
    254

    Default

    Wow awesome can't wait to see more.
    Special thanks to Sworn Metalhead for the epic banner.

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Feb 2011
    Location
    Minnesota, Don'cha know?
    Posts
    205

    Default

    Chapter 2:
    Origin

    "Origin." The word echoed over and over in my head maybe 1000 times. I grabbed the prism scale and turned it around in my hand. "Hmm..." I murmured to myself. Origin started flopping wildly on my bed shaking it. Thank God my mother was at work. She would have thought... well... yeah never mind. I grabbed the book "Pokemon Evolutions: Unova Style" And flipped to item evolutions. I read the entire section about five times, only to find what I was looking for on the front page. "God, am I stupid." I did a facepalm and read on. "A Feebas... evolves when holding a Prism Scale." I stated to myself blandly.
    "Feeb, Feebas!"
    "Yeah, what?" I whispered to Origin.
    "Feeeeeebah" Origin looked at me as her eyes glowed. I suddenly felt sleepy. Origin flopped over and smacked me, definately waking me up.
    "Ah!" I shot up and looked at Origin. "That kinda hurt, y'know!" Origin looked at me defiantly. She started flopping against my leg, violently.
    "Feebasss!" She knocked me into the floor and the Prism Scale flew out of my hand into her mouth. Origin started glowing brightly, blinding me, and I fell over, knocked out by the sudden light.
    Quote Originally Posted by WizardTrubbish View Post
    Description: I am sexy
    ~I Like Boys~

  11. #11
    Join Date
    Nov 2010
    Location
    Where I live.
    Posts
    1,407

    Default

    Dude, all of these combined aren't enough for one legal chapter in this forum please read the rules. But, on the bright side, uhh... actually I don't see a bright side, I find this to be a mediocre fic. The worst part, everything is connecte almost immediately with the next chapter, so you could just fuse them and not only would it just flow better than breaking it up, but it wouldn't be as rule breaking. I do like that Feebass however, which is about it. Now then Sokia, me and you are on friendly terms (not exactly sure if we are friends, btu we are friendly), so I tell you this for your sake and I suggest you fix the whole size thing when you repost this (since this'll probably be closed). It might be a bit more interesting if you give us more at a time than the way it currently is.

  12. #12
    Join Date
    Feb 2011
    Location
    Minnesota, Don'cha know?
    Posts
    205

    Default

    @KMG. Do not fear, for I shall get better! I will make these better from now onward!
    Quote Originally Posted by WizardTrubbish View Post
    Description: I am sexy
    ~I Like Boys~

  13. #13
    Join Date
    Nov 2010
    Location
    Where I live.
    Posts
    1,407

    Default

    Well you really need to make them longer. the quality is mediocre, but it's not bad and not everything can be totally awesome, but the length breaks the rules and I could probably fit your whole first 20 chapters into one chapter of a good, long fanfiction (like Ysavvryl's Loopholes or my Unova Chronicles (Yeah, selfless promotion of others and shameless self-promotion at once) if you keep this up.

  14. #14
    Join Date
    May 2011
    Location
    Mount Olympus
    Posts
    217

    Default

    wow, this is cool.

    Click him please!

  15. #15
    Join Date
    Jun 2011
    Posts
    243

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by sonic507 View Post
    wow, this is cool.
    No it isn't, and chances are you didn't even read it. What's the point of all these four word reviews, exactly?

    What KMG said, basically. The actual writing isn't completely awful but it's not fleshed out enough (at all) for a real review to be given. You need at least two pages, not two sentences.
    Here’s to the crazy ones. The rebels. The troublemakers. The ones who see things differently. While some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do.

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •