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Thread: Part One (An Orange Archipelago Story)

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Nov 2005
    New York, U.S.

    Default Part One (An Orange Archipelago Story)

    Hey guys, obviously this is a Pokemon Adventures-styled fanfic taking place in the Orange Islands. I will admit I was inspired by Feity's "Pokemon Orange Archipelago" fanfic, and the main characters names are the same, but the stories are completely different. I'm not going to tell you how they are, you'll just have to read and find out

    The reason why this is called "Part One" is not because that is the title, but this thread will only have the first part of my story (the first 8 chapters) which is basically from the beginning to the Mikan Island Gym Battle; The reason I am doing this is because I want to get & use advice and input from these first eight chapters for the future chapters I make. All of these eight-chapters have already been made, and once I post all of them, I will make a separate thread for the whole story. Please give me constructive criticism, even if you think it sucks! Tell me if I'm conveying the main character's personas correctly (Lime = calm, cool; Lemon = ditzy, silly; Orange = stereotypical heroic persona like Red/Ash, determined).

    *BTW, even after your criticism, I will not alter or change how I've already made any of these eight chapters. I want to keep them how they are, and use your criticism for the rest of the story. HERE IS THE FIRST CHAPER, Enjoy!:

    -Chapter 1-
    -VS. Exeggutor-

    South of the lands of Kanto & Johto lies a peaceful, tropical paradise by the name of the Orange Archipelago. A chain of islands are scattered throughout the sea, each with their own unique stories and culture. People who live here live in tranquility, and work together with the local Pokémon, all unified as one.

    In the south-westernmost side of the islands is Tangelo Island. The wind blows a cool breeze as the sun shines brightly, warming the yellow beaches and native citizens. Tangelo Island is where many young trainers begin their journey in the Orange Islands, and today a new one will begin.

    Living in a quaint, little beach house on the island is a boy named Lime. He has sun-kissed tan skin, black hair, and captivating lime-green eyes. He wears a red-headband to hold up his bangs, a green shirt, red swim trunks, and sandals; the perfect attire for the island climate. As he walks to the beach, hopping along with him is a Marill – which he has nicknamed Marillus. The two are great companions, Lime has known Marillus ever since the Aqua Mouse Pokémon taught a young Lime how to swim. When Lime was only a toddler, he had a great fear of water after he almost drowned the first time. However, he was saved by Marillus, who taught him the basics of swimming, and helped Lime become an expert swimmer.

    “Mari, Ri!” cries Marillus in joy as his trainer pet’s him.

    The two arrive at the beach, which is relatively quiet. No people are in sight, and a multitude of ships stay docked at the nearby.

    “I guess it’s a slow day,” Lime says while looking around. Marillus nods.

    Lime removes his shirt and kicks off his sandals, and the two quickly dive into the crisp, blue water. The two playfully splash water at each other, and Marillus shoots a Water Gun at Lime. Lime has an enormous love, or infatuation, with water. He is a master at everything water; swimming, surfing, kayaking, snorkeling, and so on. He can just stay at the beach all day if he had the time to.

    After swimming a bit more, Lime & Marillus walk onto the warm sandy beach and sunbathe. The two are in heaven, enjoying the peaceful & silent ambiance of the beach for their relaxation.

    “Marillus, I must admit, I love my life,” comments Lime. “But don’t you ever wish that we could do something exciting or adventurous?”

    Before his Marill could respond, it notices something. Washed up on the beach is a note-in-a-bottle, closed with a cork. “Marill, Mar!” exclaims Marillus, motioning Lime to get up. Lime looks at the bottle, and groans.

    “Don’t tell me someone littered again!” He says in an annoyed tone, as he walks towards the bottle.

    He picks it up, and at first he believes it to be trash, like an empty soda bottle. As he’s about to throw it away, Marillus tugs on Lime’s leg and points at the bottle. Lime takes a good look, and catches sight of a scroll encased in the bottle. He removes the cork, takes out the scroll, and discovers that it is an ancient map of the Orange Archipelago.

    He skims his fingers throughout the paper, seeing trails and paths, that all leads to an X. On each edge of the paper are rips and holes, but through them you can see the fabled “legendary birds” – Articuno, Moltres, Zapdos, and their trio master, Lugia. Lime’s eyes lit up, as he soon discovers the map’s true purpose.

    “Marillus, I don’t think this is just some old map,” Lime exclaims. “It’s a… treasure map!”

    Marillus dances around as Lime jumps up happily. Normally Lime is very calm, cool, and collected, but when he gets excited that all changes. He puts the map back inside the bottle. “Marillus, we need to take this back to the house and pack up for our treasure hunt!” Lime says, and Marillus follows. He puts back on his shirt, and as he’s about to head back home, a pile of eggs suddenly crash on Lime, exploding on impact. He coughs as a cloud of smoke engulfs him, and the treasure map is not in his hand. The smoke clears, and in front of them is a wild Exeggutor, with an angry demeanor.

    I guess this is why no one was outside today,” Lime thinks to himself. “Marillus use BubbleBeam!” he commands.

    Marillus fires a stream of bubbles at the Exeggutor, crashing into it. It cries, and then fires another Egg Bomb. The tiny blue Pokémon quickly dodges out of the way, but the explosion from the eggs causes another sight-blocking smoke cloud to emerge.

    Coughing and panting for air, Lime commands “Marillus just shoot Water Gun everywhere!”

    Marillus shoots a spiral of water in all directions, even hitting Lime once. After shooting multiple times, Marillus & Lime hear a cry from the Exeggutor. The smoke clears up again, and this time the Exeggutor seems angrier. It prepares to use Wood Hammer, a very powerful attack. Before Lime tells Marillus to attack it again, he spots a flock of Wingull flying about, and then looks at Exeggutor’s middle head. He has a deep cut on his forehead, which looks like it came from a beak. Lime realizes that a Wingull must’ve tried to eat the Exeggutor’s head, confusing it with a real coconut.

    Lime walks over to some plant life near the water, and picks an Energy Root from it. He walks back to Marillus, and devises a plan.

    “Marillus, I want you to use Rollout to get to the Exeggutor,” Lime whispers. “But don’t hit it, just give it this.”

    Marillus nods and he curls into a ball and charges towards the Exeggutor. The Exeggutor gets confused, and attempts to hit the rolling Marill, but misses. Marillus then pops back up, and tosses the Energy Root at the Exeggutor. The Exeggutor is shocked at first, but takes a bite out of the tough herb. It groans at the bitter taste, but then smiles once it’s injuries on its head are cured. The harsh demeanor on its face changes into the normal, mellow expression it once was, and it walks back to the forest.

    “Well I’m glad we help a hurt Pokémon,” says Lime with a faint smile. “But I’m kind of sad that we lost the treasure map…”

    As Lime begins to walk home disappointed, he hears Marillus cry “Marill, Marill!” He turns around, and sees Marillus digging the same note-in-a-bottle out of the sand. Lime dashes to Marillus and embraces him.

    “You found it!” Lime shouts in joy.


    Meanwhile, on Valencia Island, an island not too far from Tangelo Island, an enormous zeppelin lands onto the Blimp Station. Wingull & Swablu fly in fear of the great flying vessel. It finally lands in place and out walks a married couple, carrying many luggage and sporting floral shirts. A Skarmory flies out next, squawking in excitement. And finally, a young blonde boy walks out, with his orange eyes sparkling. With a determined expression, he says…

    “Orange Islands, here I come”
    My bishie is Freedert from DNAngel!
    I'm a Specialshipper (Red x Yellow), and a Pokeshipper (Ash x Misty)!

    My Platinum Friend Code: 1075-7179-8052
    Name: Lucas Please PM me to battle or trade! I really want to battle someone!

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Nov 2005
    New York, U.S.


    Okay, no comments yet... Maybe another chapter will help?

    -Chapter 2-
    -VS. Pelipper-

    Lime tosses the note-in-a-bottle onto his bed. Because his house is very old, the interior is wooden all over, from the floor to the shelves to the chairs and so on. However, Lime’s room is specially decorated. Although it is antique wooden, shelves, tables, and desks are covered with little treasures that he has collected. Evolutionary stones, such as Water Stones, Fire Stones, Shiny Stones, and more, sit upon shelves. Flutes of all colors stack desks, and drawers are filled with shards, heart scales, star pieces, shoal shells, nuggets, and a large collection of trinkets.

    As an aspiring treasure hunter, Lime has always loved to collect valuable items. The first thing he ever found was when he was little and he dug up a Water Stone at the beach. That stone holds a special place in his heart, and he wears a pendant with a Water Stone shard as a good luck charm from time to time. But now that he has found a treasure map, he can actually be a true treasure hunter; he can explore his homeland, find parts he’s never been to, and discover Pokémon he’s never seen. He can escape the dream-sealing box he lives in called Tangelo Island.

    “Marillus, I think we should keep this treasure map a secret,” Lime whispers to Marillus. “Not even Mom can know about this journey we’re taking.”

    “Marill!” Marillus growls in agreement, making a salute position to Lime. Lime giggles and continues to look through his drawers.

    In preparation for their long treasure hunt, Lime takes an orange backpack from his closet and lays it on his bed. Inside he packs the treasure map, some clothing and towels, a water canteen, a potion, a revive, a full heal; he pours out coins from a jar for money.

    “Marillus, can you sneak some berries from the kitchen?” Lime asks.

    Marillus nods, and stealthily sneaks downstairs. Lime’s mom lies on the couch, sleeping as the TV continues to play. Marillus opens the fridge, and grabs as much berries as he could hold, even dropping some. He walks up the creaky stairs and back to Lime’s room, and gears Lime groaning.

    “Mari, Rill?” Marillus squeaks in concern.

    “We don’t have enough money,” Lime states in an annoyed tone. “And we’re low on berries, potions, and things we need!”

    Marillus points at all the trinkets in Lime’s room, and Lime frowns. He walks up to his shelve of Evolutionary stones, and stokes the Dawn Stone.

    “I guess I’m going to have to sell my treasures…” Lime grieves.

    After filling all of his collections into a large sack, Lime & Marillus begin to walk to the local market to sell Lime’s treasures. A lone Pelipper’s stomach growls as it searches for food. However, its nostrils open when it smells berries from Lime’s open backpack. It grins in joy and begins to fly towards Lime’s backpack, poking it’s beak through the opening.

    “Hey, get off!” Lime shouts, flailing his arms about.

    The Pelipper gets startled, and grabs a berry inside of its mouth and along with it the treasure map. It flies away in fear, with the bottle dangling in its mouth. Shocked, Lime drops his sack, causing all of the shards, stones, and such to fall out. Along with Marillus, they leave the sack and begin charging towards the flying Pelipper.

    “Give that back!” Lime screams. “Marillus, use Water Gun!”

    Marillus shoots a blast of water at Pelipper, and the Water Bird Pokémon dodges most of it, and is only hit with a bit of water. As the Pelipper begins to get tired, Lime remembers that it was looking for berries at first. Instead of telling Marillus to attack it again, he opens his backpack and lets the scent of the berries reach out to Pelipper. It stops and flies back to the backpack, to delightfully enjoy a feast of berries. As the Pelipper eats, they take back the treasure map.

    “Peli, Pel!” the Pelipper squawks in satisfaction.

    Moments later, Lime & Marillus walk back to their spot they were previously at. They stare at the now empty sack, with very few items left. An upset Lime crouches down, staring at the sack.

    “Now we have no food, and no money,” Lime says sadly. “There’s no way we can go on a treasure hunt now.”

    As its trainer sulks in disappointment, Marillus rummages through the sack, and notices a few valuable items left inside: three nuggets, a big pearl, a big nugget, two heart scales, and a star piece.

    “Wow these are worth a lot!” Lime exclaims, holding the shining star piece under the sun.

    The two take their lasting trinkets to the market stand and sell them, and buy all of the items they need for their long journey. Lime takes one last look at his items before they are put up for sail.

    “They say one man’s junk is another man’s treasure,” Lime comments. “Now its one man’s memories are another man’s treasure…”
    My bishie is Freedert from DNAngel!
    I'm a Specialshipper (Red x Yellow), and a Pokeshipper (Ash x Misty)!

    My Platinum Friend Code: 1075-7179-8052
    Name: Lucas Please PM me to battle or trade! I really want to battle someone!

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