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Thread: Unova: Broken Ways [PG-13]

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    Default Unova: Broken Ways [PG-13]

    Ok, so this is my fic . . . based on black and white (sorta). I'm not really sure what to say. Maybe i'll just post it and see what happens

    *The rating's PG13, but it's only for if I want to try something different. I'll see . . .
    *I'm sorry that there's sucha long interval between chapters, I'm trying to work on that

    ---

    Chapter List

    01-Duress
    02-Wanderlust
    03-Illusion


    ---

    PM List
    Moonlightning
    GastlyMan
    MacKareLosity
    Chimpchar
    Silver Totodile


    ---

    Chapter 1 - Duress

    I glanced, for what seemed like the hundredth time, at the scratched face of my watch. Any minute now, I was anticipating the polished white laboratory to magically appear when I looked back up. I’d been walking for what seemed like a lifetime along the familiar footpath of my street, my home, the haven that held my memories. Maybe it was just the fact that I was leaving it all behind.

    Of course, I didn’t want to. Professor Juniper – whom my parents adored, no matter how far she intruded into their son’s life – had been inviting us to her lab for the last few months to “Take an interest in Pokémon.” She had been softening up my parents so that she could finally convince them that I needed to become a Pokémon trainer, and I needed to go on a journey. And it had worked. Never mind the strong dislike I showed on the topic every time we escaped from the professor’s company – which lately, seemed to be few and far between.

    “It’ll be fun,” echoed my mother’s soft, calming voice. “You’ll learn some valuable life skills. You’ll develop as a person.” Why did she have to be right?

    “You need to toughen up. Do something. Stop sitting around doing nothing.” I realised I wouldn’t miss my dad’s raspy voice, reminiscent of a chain smoker. He did have a point though.

    It won’t be so bad. I can handle this. Lying to myself didn’t seem to work. I was doomed, and I knew it. But I was going to follow through with this. Everyone in town knew that I was supposed to be leaving today to become a trainer. Why did my mother, as loving and caring and proud of me as she was, have to have the biggest mouth in town? I weighed the consequences of going on this journey with the shame of staying here – having to admit to everyone I couldn’t do it, that I couldn’t make a journey that everyone else had started four years ago. I definitely didn’t want that. So staying another day wasn’t an option.

    All the same, I tried to find a distraction to keep me from turning back. I looked at the ancient trees, worn and withered after hundreds of winters. They were struggling against the wind, like a drunk about to topple over. They were no distraction. I stared at the windmills, racing along with the wind. It was impossible to define the blades, they were revolving so swiftly.

    I stared at the houses for a moment, trying to remember them. I looked at the quaint house with the wooden balcony. The two story apartment building with the wide glass windows. The fancy house that seemed out of place alongside its nonchalant neighbours. This was unusual behaviour for me – I’d walked down this road hundreds of times, and only now was I taking a real interest in anything.

    “Blair!” I squinted into the distance, surprised. At first I saw a blurred figure heading towards me, something green bobbing upon its head. As she came into perspective, I realised who it was. Bianca – and her odd beret – manoeuvred the footpath carefully, but despite her cautiousness, she was caught off guard by a slight rise in the terrain, hidden beneath a cloak of leaves. She flew forward onto someone’s garden, missing a tree by just inches. Bianca . . . she was so . . . accident prone.

    “Are you alright?” I asked, hurrying over. This could be my opportunity to skip the lab. Surely, no one would blame me for helping out an injured friend?

    “Yep, I think so.” She stood up. Her once white dress was now a light brown colour, dirtied with soil. She persistently brushed herself off. The soil was less noticeable on her red-orange vest, but she was thorough. She finished very quickly – this was something that she had a lot of practice with. Her eyes darted towards her soiled beret, which she then picked up her and dusted off with just as much enthusiasm.

    “How was the lab?” Maybe she would have some good news for me – injured professor, run out of Pokémon, a terrible accident . . .

    “Great! Professor Juniper seems excited to see you.” Was there really no hope? Things seemed to be against me today.

    “What do you do on your visits?” Her lip twitched ever so slightly, like she was restraining a smile. Everyone knew that the professor had an interest in me, but Bianca had a wild imagination. She believed there was something more going on than an innocent visit to the lab. Sometimes she disgusted me.

    “Nothing, Bianca.” I answered gruffly. “You ask every time, and I tell you every time, nothing.”

    Sure it is,” she teased. “Anyway, you should hurry to the lab. The professor must be missing you.”

    “Get over it.”

    “You’re awfully defensive today.” She was smiling now. “Actually, I don’t have time for this. I’m meant to be hurrying home.”

    Good. She was finally leaving.

    “Well, bye. Have fun.”

    “Don’t fall over again,” I remarked.

    “Don’t worry, I won’t.” If only that was possible. “Now run along to see your professor.” She hurried off, her yellow shoes tapping lightly along the sidewalk.

    I decided not to reply. Better to be rid of her.

    I continued walking, my thick red shoes crunching the fallen leaves. I thought for a moment. If the leaves were falling now, in September, that meant there were only . . . three months until winter. If I set out on my journey now, I would most likely be travelling throughout the coldest season. Maybe I would choose a Tepig for my starter Pokémon. A fire type would be able to keep me warm.

    Although . . . I could see myself with a Snivy. I’d read somewhere that most grass type Pokémon could learn a move that cleared the sky, making it sunny – always a good thing. And a powerful grass type move that was stronger in the sun.

    But Oshawott, well, it didn’t have any redeeming qualities like the others. Then again, if winter was going to keep its reputation of being the coldest, wettest month of the year, it was going to rain a lot. Didn’t water type moves become stronger in the rain?

    I thought it over for longer. If I made my decision now, then I should be able to spend minimal time at the lab. The less time I spent there, the better. All I had to do was pick a Pokémon. Then I could leave. Easy. So . . . I’d pick Snivy. I wouldn’t spend any more time than necessary at that awful lab. I’d get my Snivy, and leave.

    I could see the lab now. The menacing red roof was the first thing that caught my attention. I shifted my gaze towards the bone white exterior, and the pale yellow windowsills that were always abundant with potted plants. I walked up the mild incline to the door, which was opened by a smug Professor Juniper. Was she spying on me through the windows, using the plants for cover?

    “Blair! How nice to see you!” she chirped, placing one hand against the doorframe, while the other was in the tight pocket of her green skirt. “Come this way!” I got a feeling that she was actually excited for my suffering.

    Her dull white lab coat swayed behind her as she led me silently through the narrow hallway. She opened the door on the right, as opposed to the usual left, into a room I’d never seen before.

    It was brightly lit by four flat, circular lights, each positioned in a square formation around the perfectly square ceiling. The light made the three metallic Poké Balls placed neatly on the blue rectangular table to the far side of the room look especially shiny. That was good. She was ready. That meant less time that I had to spend here.

    She trotted over to the table, reaching for two of the half red, half white Poké Balls. She handed them to me. I was taken by surprise. She read my reaction quickly, and smirked. “You’ll need the practice.” She couldn’t help herself. At any chance she got she took a shot at pointing out how unskilful and lazy I was. Apparently, going on a journey was going to change that.

    “Thanks,” I said, not bothering to hide the disdain in my voice. “Let’s just get this over with.

    I threw the tennis ball sized Poké Balls into the air, aiming for the table. However, being right-handed, I couldn’t help but send the Poke Ball from my left hand into the leg of the table. The Poké Ball from my right hand made it safely to the table, but not without threatening to roll over the right edge. The other bounced off the leg onto the floor. Both Poké Balls burst opened contemporaneously in a flash of white light.

    The Pokémon that was fortune enough to land on the table was a pale faced with a baby blue torso. It wobbled slightly on its dark blue feet, adjusting to the two foot jump between it and the ground. “Wott, oshawott,” it cheered, holding its shell in its outstretched arm. Its dark orange oval nose twitched slightly as it smiled, revealing two tiny fangs.

    The second Pokémon, now on the grey linoleum floor, was looking at me with its big brown eyes in dismay. Its tiny, cream coloured legs flexed ever so slightly, and it sprung onto the table. It positioned itself in the center, using the foliage on the end of its tail to cover Oshawott’s face. It placed its small green hands on its waist, where the cream of its belly faded into the green of its back. “Snivy,” it sneered, poking its long pink tongue at Oshawott.

    Before I realised what was happening, a third Poké Ball was spinning towards the left side of the table. Obviously the professor didn’t want to risk it going from my hand into something expensive. It landed with perfect precision beside Snivy and burst open.

    The Tepig that emerged from the ball was standing on all four of its chubby, orange legs, facing away from us. It looked as if it was wearing a coal black diaper. As it turned to face us, the dull red orb on the end of its coiled tail wobbled slightly. It wore a surprised expression on its face. Then it exhaled through its snout – the same dull red as its tail – and lowered its black, rabbit like ears shyly. “Tep,” it cried out timidly.

    “So, I’ll leave you here to make you decision then.” Before I could object, Professor Juniper had left me alone with the three Pokémon.

    Great. Even more time spent at this lab.

    I walked a few steps closer to the table. Snivy was now brushing Oshawott’s face with the large, three pronged leaf on the end of its green tail. Its smirk made me think that it enjoyed the misery on Oshawott’s face. I picked up Snivy’s Poké Ball from the floor. Without a second though, I pointed the small white circle around the center of the ball in Snivy’s direction. I shook the ball once. A jagged streak of light shot out from the Poké Ball towards Snivy, like red cellophane. It then engulfed Snivy’s figure and retreated back into the ball. It made a slight click.

    I walked away from the table, towards the professor’s desk, still holding Snivy’s Poke Ball. I definitely didn’t want that Snivy – not the one with the attitude. I placed the Poké Ball neatly on a stack of folders, careful not to knock anything over. It would be funny . . . but the professor would make me pay for it later.

    Then something caught my eye.

    On one of the many sheets scattered across the desk was a name – Cheren McLennan. I skimmed through the sheet. “Cheren McLennan . . . aged fourteen . . . starter Pokémon – Tepig, received September 6th 2010 . . .”

    I walked away from the desk. Cheren, my annoyingly intelligent neighbour had only started his journey two days ago. More importantly, he’d picked a Tepig for his starter Pokémon. No doubt when I crossed his path he would challenge me to a battle. That would be just like him, trying to assert how superior he was. But I knew what Pokémon he’d chosen. So why not make it easier to beat him?

    I walked back to the table where Oshawott and Tepig were standing, facing away from each other. I picked up Tepig’s Poke Ball from in front of it. “Sorry,” I whispered, stroking it on the soft patch of yellow above its snout.

    “Tep-pig,” it muttered. Trying not to look at its disappointed expression, I returned it to its Poké Ball. I walked over and placed it on the professor’s desk, adjacent to Snivy’s ball.

    I walked back to the table where Oshawott was now sitting down, it’s pale yellow shell now placed firmly on its belly. I placed my hand on its Poké Ball. “Well, Oshawott, I guess I’m picking you for my starter Pokémon.”

    “Wott wott oshawott wott!” It cried ecstatically. It then stood up and jumped carefully to the floor. It grabbed my loose black pants and tried to drag me to the door, to no avail. However, I got the message. It wanted to leave. That made two of us.

    “Good idea. Let’s get out of here.” I turned for the door, only to find a smiling professor in my way.

    “So, you picked Oshawott, the sea otter Pokémon. Good choice.” She leaned down and patted Oshawott between its navy, triangular ears. “Has Blair been nice to you Oshawott?”

    “Oshawott wott.” It nodded its head, smiling.

    “That’s good then.” She straightened up and faced me. “Before you leave, there’s still more to do. I haven’t given you a Pokédex yet. You’ll need it if you’re going to become a trainer.”

    I noticed she held a small white bag with a Poké Ball insignia on it. She walked over to the table and emptied the contents. There was a black device with a red scroll wheel shaped like a Poké Ball.

    “That’s your Pokédex. Of course, you’ll need Poké Balls too.” She pulled out a black silky sack with five round shapes in it. She placed it in my hand.

    I quickly pulled the wide black strap of my shoulder bag over my head, narrowly missing sending my cap to the floor. I placed it on the table. Eager to leave the lab, I opened the main pocket and shoved the sack inside, rearranging the contents to make room. Then I made a grab for my Pokédex; however, the professor’s hand beat me there.

    “We’re not done here,” she reminded me, “we’ve still got more to do. This way please.”

    “Fine,” I sighed.

    We exited the room. Professor Juniper led us down the hall, to another unfamiliar door. A golden plaque stated it to be Professor Prue Juniper’s Study. This door was locked. She fished for a moment through the large pockets of her lab coat. She pulled out a single, jagged key and inserted it into the lock. She turned it to the right. There was a click. She returned the key to her pocket then turned the handle.

    The first thing that caught my eye was a large glossy machine with a large, dark screen. We walked over to it. I caught my reflection in the screen. As usual, my messy brown hair protruded from beneath my cap, which was not its usual Poke Ball colour, but instead, a depressing grey in the darkened reflection. I caught a glimpse of the professor’s reflection before she pressed a flat green button and turned on the computer.

    The screen flickered to like with a crackle of static. The professor typed a password into the keyboard when prompted, and the screen turned blue before it read Unova Pokémon Trainer Register. The professor inserted my Pokédex into a rectangular opening between the screen and the keyboard. She waited for a moment. The white button on the inside of the scroll wheel, which was still visible, suddenly flashed green like a traffic light. The professor then began typing.

    I tried to make decipher the jumble of letters that appeared on screen. I managed to catch “Blair Duffy” and “Nuvema Town” – but I lost track of the rest of it. It seemed familiar. After a moment, I realised that this must be just like the helpful stack of papers in the other room.

    The professor jabbed a button and the screen changed to “loading.”

    I surveyed the room, waiting. There was a wooden desk pushed to the left of the room, accompanied by a spinning chair and a stack of folders. Placed along the back wall was a bookcase that stretched all the way along until it met the sleek computer which we were waiting for. The other side of the room had a red leather couch that dominated the right wall. A low wooden table sat parallel to the large couch.

    Looking at the luxurious couch made me realise just how tired I was. I could just imagine sprawling out on the sofa, with the heels of my aching feet placed on the edge of the table. That was just what I needed. After a few minutes off my feet, I would probably forget all about this journey – how hard it was going to be, how long it was going to be, how lonely it was going to be. I could put those worries to sleep for a few moments . . .

    “All finished, Blair,” said Professor Juniper with a smile of accomplishment. “You can leave now.”

    In my brief daydream, I had lost track of what was happening. The professor was now facing me. She was holding my Pokédex out towards me with her right hand. In her left was a sheet of paper. It must’ve be a printout of everything she was typing that would end up strewn across her desk like many others.

    I quickly grabbed my Pokédex from her hand, shoving it into the spacious pocket of my pants. It was slightly warm from being inside the machine.

    “Thanks,” I replied. My voice was surprisingly cheerful. I suddenly felt a traitorous smile spreading across my face. Why was I smiling? I’d been dreading this moment for years. I was about to set off on a journey to train Pokémon, and I was smiling! But I wasn’t happy . . . was I? No, I was sure of it. I didn’t want this. It was probably just the fact that I was leaving this terrible lab.

    “You’re very welcome, Blair. Be sure to take care of Oshawott.” She smiled at us both. “Goodbye and good luck.” She waved us off.

    “Yea, bye.”

    I walked towards the door. Oshawott cut ahead of me, leading the way with its arms hanging lazily by its side. I let it lead me through the corridor to the exit of the building. As we moved outside, it stepped behind me, using me as a shield from the harsh wind. We walked for a moment in silence, until I realised that I had absolutely no idea where to go.

    Maybe I could go home to show my parents my Oshawott. They’d at least know that I made it to the lab. But could I risk it? I’d said my goodbyes earlier this morning. I’d had all my sad thoughts. I’d tried to come to terms with what was happening – unsuccessfully. But if I went back, I probably wouldn’t be able to leave again. It would be another temptation to stay in Numeva Town for the rest of my life.

    I decided to head towards Route One. That seemed like a good place to start; Accumula Town was at the other end of Route One. From there, I would head towards Striaton City, which held the closest Pokémon Gym. Part of being a trainer was battling, and gyms were the perfect practice.

    *

    “Stupid, stupid Pokédex,” I muttered to myself. Every step I took reminded me of the dreaded device in my right pocket. I was sure nothing had changed, but somehow it felt heaver, more like a brick than a Pokédex. It was a constant reminder of this journey.

    I’d been walking for nearly an hour like this – wandering aimlessly; hoping to find Route One, but at the same time, trying to find somewhere familiar. I was hopelessly lost. Oshawott had gotten sick of this meaningless wandering after the first ten minutes, and I returned it to its Poké Ball. However, I had to continue with this pointless exercise. It would probably help if I was looking at where I was going.

    I finally decided to pay attention. According to the blue street sign with the yellow corner, I was walking down Falcon Street.

    Wait. Didn’t Bianca live on Falcon Street?

    I searched for a clue. The pitch black 19 that stood out on the chipped white letterbox confirmed my suspicions. I walked across the neglected, pothole abundant road to Bianca’s red brick home.

    I heard two voices inside. They sounded like they were arguing. One was Bianca’s high pitched chatter, the other – Bianca’s father I assumed – was loud and stressed. I walked curiously up the asphalt driveway to the brass knobbed door. I wasn’t sure what to expect.

    I rang the red buttoned doorbell. Nothing happened. I read the square of paper taped under the button. Something red was written in Bianca’s messy scrawl. I managed to make out Please press hard. (Doesn’t always work) . I tried again, this time holding my finger down for a moment. A strange beeping noise rang out, odd for a doorbell. Had I accidently set off the burglar alarm?

    However, the door was soon opened by a fuming Bianca. Her eyebrows were creased in frustration, and her usually pale face was tomato red. “Oh, Blair, it’s you,” she squealed, embarrassed, trying to avoid my gaze.

    “What’s going on?” I asked quickly. I’d never seen Bianca behave like this before.

    Nothing!” She answered quickly. I knew enough about Bianca to know that nothing was something bad. “I just . . . forgot something. I’m going now.”

    “Tell me wha–“

    Nothing,” she snapped out. “Leave me alone.” She ran down her asphalt driveway out onto the street. I thought about following her, but when I caught her – or when she fell over, whichever came first – what would I say?

    “BIANCA STOCKS, COME BACK HERE!” The shout came from behind me. I turned around to see Bianca’s balding father looking down at me, all six feet four inches of him blocking the doorway.

    “Hello, Blair.” His booming voice was too loud for my liking.

    “Err, hello Mr. Stocks.” My voice was quiet. It always did this when I was talking to the intimidating man in front of me. “Um, what was that, ya know, with Bianca?” My voice got even quieter on the last word.

    “She’s just run off to go train Pokémon!” He was getting angrier. “Did you know about this?”

    “Ah, well actually . . .” I paused, trying to think of the right way to phrase this. “I saw her earlier this morning. She’d just come from Professor Juniper’s lab. She went there to choose a starter Pokémon.

    “WHAT! How long did you know about this for?”

    “I only found out today,” I lied smoothly. “Only just before I got to the lab.” I’d actually known for weeks what Bianca was planning. Unlike me, she’d always wanted to train Pokémon. We’d decided to start on the same day – Bianca was too scared to run out on her father on her own, and even though I was forced to go, I didn’t have to courage to do it alone either. So we decided to start together. What’d happened to that plan?

    “Ok then. I’ll have to have a word to that professor.” His expression changed from anger to understanding; however his voice was gruff when he said the professor’s name. “So you’re starting your journey too, Blair?”

    “Um, yes.” I paused for a second, remembering that Mr. Stocks was a courier. He should know how to get to Route One. “I’m actually looking for Route One. Do you have any idea how to get there?”

    “Yes. Just wait here a moment.” He disappeared into the house, his brown leather wallet sticking out from the blue jeans that his large waist shouldn’t have fit into.

    He was back quite quickly, holding a cardboard box against his ripped grey t-shirt. “These are state of the art town maps,” he explained, “they’re handy for showing you how to get from town to town.” He held the box carefully with one arm and took a map from inside. It was a blue-silver colour, about the size of a folded piece of paper, but as thick as a plate. “We got a surplus of these from work. They’re mine to keep. But I don’t need them. Take one.” He held it out to me with his large hand.

    I took it sheepishly, holding it carefully. It was surprisingly light.

    “Um, could you take one for Bianca too? You know, for if you ever see her again?” His voice was softer than usual. “I’d hate to see her get lost.” He chose another map from the box and placed it into my free hand.

    “Ok, will do. How exactly does it work?” I put Bianca’s map into my bag, and opened mine with two hands, pointing the empty screen towards him. He took it and I moved to his side to observe.

    “Well, you’ve got the power button here.” He pressed a long index finger into a green button beside the bottom screen. Both screens flashed to life, the bottom showing a grey screen with green grid lines, and the top reading Welcome in friendly yellow script. “Everything else is operated using the touch screen.” This time he tapped the bottom screen, and language appeared on the upper screen. He tapped English gave it back to me. “It’s pretty simple. You should have no problem with it.”

    “Um, thanks, Mr. Stocks. I, er, appreciate it.” I folded the screen down, not bothering to turn off the power. I shoved it back into my bag, pushing everything down so that it would fit before I sealed the Velcro pocket shut. I stepped down from the porch onto the sap green doormat.

    “Ah, take care Blair,” said Mr. Stocks, his voice a bit less energetic. He seemed like he was going to miss his daughter’s company. I felt a twinge of guilt. He was going to be alone for a long time.

    I tried to put on a sympathetic voice. “See ya Mr. Stocks. Um, sorry about Bianca leaving. I’ll try to catch up with her later.” I walked down the messy asphalt driveway, kicking a small piece of rubble as I walked, not looking back at Bianca’s father.

    After a moment, when I heard the white wooded door slam shut, I pulled out my town map from my bag. I opened it and the screen was already ready. A colourful image of Unova was showing on the bottom screen. I looked at the compass on the top screen. Now which way was Route One?


    ---

    Ok. so just some questions for possible reviewers so I can improve:

    -Do you think i'm using too much description in some parts, and/or too little in others?

    -Do you think this chapter is rushed in some parts and/or too slow in others?

    -Am I abusing italics? It took longer than I expected putting on the forum tags
    Last edited by Becoming; 24th April 2011 at 12:13 AM. Reason: Mistake...(but not in the actual story)
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  2. #2
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    Well done! That was excellantly written, and I couldn't really see any problems. Whilst the storyline obviously isn't original, Touya's character is, and it made the story a lot more intresting to read. In answer to your questions, I think your description is fine, your italics are used in the right places and it was the right pace to suit every scene. Keep up the good work. You may ba a slow writer, but I'm sure the next chapter will be worth the wait.
    A group of 10 special trainers have been essembled by Professor Birch in a unexplored land. Their mission - to find some special stones to stop Team Magma and Team Aqua from getting them so that the professors can start their indistrialisation of the place. Follow their adventures in "Regional Conflict - The Five Sacred Stones. Please read, and review :)Here is the link. http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?t=482753 Last chapter - Chapter 10: The Tides of Terror

    Please read my other fic, a Unova journey fic - Unova apprentices. - http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?t=498160

    VM me if you want me to review your fic.

    White is nearly done, and nearly all my generation 4 pokemon are on there.

  3. #3
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    Yes! I've been waiting for a story like this to come along! This will probably be my main method of learning the plot of the games haha... so don't quit on me!

    Also, Touya has an English name now. It's Blair. Yes, the boy is named Blair. Personally I think Blake would be a much better name

    Chapter 7 is up -July 15, 2011

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    I agree with NinjaScepSneasel, this was weeeell written. I had a great time reading this, but not the most original storyline though. The way this unfolds is up to you, i will allow you to surprise me.

    Quote Originally Posted by kjt
    ...Its smirk made me thing that it enjoyed the misery on Oshawott’s face.
    Just a slight typing error that catched my eye while reading.

    Well, little i can say about the characters; everything is pretty clear. Touya hates the idea of training and Bianca loves it. It's the little background you gave that kept me reading this.

    Good job, I look forward to the next chapter!!
    10th prestige Lv 55 Nightmare

    I still Like wafflezzzz...

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    Default Ah thanks for the replys :D

    Thanks guys! I'm going to start on chapter 2 soon, but after homework

    @NinjaScepSneasel: Yea I know it's not the most original idea, but i'm no good with that kind of thing . . . i'm glad you like Blair's character (yep, he's Blair now). But don't worry, i'll try to add in a few things that aren't in the game. But that should be more apparent (actually, completely obvious) in later chapters. But for now, it's a BW re-telling, if that makes sense?

    @Karpi: I've changed the name to Blair, thanks for the tip. And Whitlea . . . well we'll see how many letters I can chop off the front to make it work for me (4). I'll try not to quit on you!

    @RoflLuxRay: I changed that error (and using Ctrl F showed me how much i've used thing and -thing . . . about 30 times :O ). Like I said to NSS, it should be more apparent that it's not just a transcripture of the games. But please, bare with me for a while (i'll try to find a way to make it more interesting earlier than I planned, i'll see how I go with that B) )
    Last edited by Becoming; 28th February 2011 at 5:01 AM.
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  6. #6
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    That is a complete copy of why I said, and that's against the rules! And when I said it wasn't the most origanal, I'm not really that bothered about that. I was just looking for something somebody might find negative. Bad origanality would only be a problem if the writing was bad, and yours was not.
    A group of 10 special trainers have been essembled by Professor Birch in a unexplored land. Their mission - to find some special stones to stop Team Magma and Team Aqua from getting them so that the professors can start their indistrialisation of the place. Follow their adventures in "Regional Conflict - The Five Sacred Stones. Please read, and review :)Here is the link. http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?t=482753 Last chapter - Chapter 10: The Tides of Terror

    Please read my other fic, a Unova journey fic - Unova apprentices. - http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?t=498160

    VM me if you want me to review your fic.

    White is nearly done, and nearly all my generation 4 pokemon are on there.

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    Quote Originally Posted by NinjaScepSneasel View Post
    That is a complete copy of why I said, and that's against the rules! And when I said it wasn't the most origanal, I'm not really that bothered about that. I was just looking for something somebody might find negative. Bad origanality would only be a problem if the writing was bad, and yours was not.
    Everybody, calm down! :P Just ignore NhocCuteGirlz, I think she's a spambot! Or something along those lines . . . her post is actually useful for refering back to your post anyway

    Anyway, I don't think this is perfect, surely somebody has something that I could improve on (hint hint, there are a lot more reviewers on this forum that just these three . . .).

    And NinjaScepSneasel, although I apreciate what you've got to say, please don't try to have a conversation with me/others about my fic like you've been doing in Unova Chronicle on this thread. It's sorta spammy if you do it often :P Maybe wait for (if you forgive me for telling you off) until the next chapter is up. But if you really want to discuss my fic, i'll be happy to have a PM conversation

    And am I abusing smilies? I use :P lots if i'm joking.
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  8. #8
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    Everybody, calm down! :P Just ignore NhocCuteGirlz, I think she's a spambot! Or something along those lines . . . her post is actually useful for refering back to your post anyway

    Anyway, I don't think this is perfect, surely somebody has something that I could improve on (hint hint, there are a lot more reviewers on this forum that just these three . . .).

    And NinjaScepSneasel, although I apreciate what you've got to say, please don't try to have a conversation with me/others about my fic like you've been doing in Unova Chronicle on this thread. It's sorta spammy if you do it often :P Maybe wait for (if you forgive me for telling you off) until the next chapter is up. But if you really want to discuss my fic, i'll be happy to have a PM conversation

    And am I abusing smilies? I use :P lots if i'm joking.
    I'm not trying to! And on Unova Chronicle I am just trying to help others who are starting out Reviewing, and I was asked questions on it, not starting them. But sorry if It does seem like that. If you look at my other reviews, you will see I just make 1 comment on it, (Apart from when I praised Breezy, which I shouldn't of done ) not start a whole conversation. From now on I shall comment about peoples reviewing skills by visiter message. Thanks for helping me realise this.

    And I wouldn't complain about lack of Reviewers - My fan fic only has 1 (and Others don't have thousands.)

    There. My lips are now sealed. Until chapter 2. I'm not creating a conversation.
    Last edited by NinjaScepSneasel; 10th February 2011 at 7:45 AM.
    A group of 10 special trainers have been essembled by Professor Birch in a unexplored land. Their mission - to find some special stones to stop Team Magma and Team Aqua from getting them so that the professors can start their indistrialisation of the place. Follow their adventures in "Regional Conflict - The Five Sacred Stones. Please read, and review :)Here is the link. http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?t=482753 Last chapter - Chapter 10: The Tides of Terror

    Please read my other fic, a Unova journey fic - Unova apprentices. - http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?t=498160

    VM me if you want me to review your fic.

    White is nearly done, and nearly all my generation 4 pokemon are on there.

  9. #9
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    Quote Originally Posted by NinjaScepSneasel View Post
    I'm not trying to! And on Unova Chronicle I am just trying to help others who are starting out Reviewing, and I was asked questions on it, not starting them. But sorry if It does seem like that. If you look at my other reviews, you will see I just make 1 comment on it, (Apart from when I praised Breezy, which I shouldn't of done ) not start a whole conversation. From now on I shall comment about peoples reviewing skills by visiter message. Thanks for helping me realise this.

    And I wouldn't complain about lack of Reviewers
    Ah, thinking about it, i sorta sounded a bit mean Sorry Anyway, I probably came across as pushy when I hinted for reviewers. I just meant it as an invitation. I apreciate the reviewers that i've got, but more are welcome too.

    And I'm sorta being a hyprocrite . . . i'm having a conversation on my thread. So i'm not going to post until chapter two. Which will hopefully be up sooner rather than later.

    EDIT: and i'll update chapter one with english names (Nuvema Town, mainly) when I get 'round to posting chapter two.
    Last edited by Becoming; 11th February 2011 at 3:40 AM. Reason: Forgot something, duh!
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  10. #10
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    So far, an original beginning. Few fanfics star a main character who actually doesn't want to start his journey.
    A few minor corrections:
    This was unusual behaviour for me – I’d walked down this road hundreds of time, and only now was I taking a real interest in anything.
    *Times
    “Sure it is.” She teased. “Anyway, you should hurry to the lab. The professor must be missing you.”
    Replace the first period with a comma, and lowercase "she."
    “Blair! How nice to see you!” She chirped, placing one hand against the doorframe, while the other was in the tight pocket of her green skirt. “Come this way!” I got a feeling that she was actually excited for my suffering.
    Weird dialogue rule here...you shouldn't capitalize "she" after the exclamation mark.
    It’s tiny, cream coloured legs flexed ever so slightly, and it sprung onto the table.
    The apostrophe is only necessary when "it's" is used as a contraction of "it is." If it's used to imply possession, write it as "its."
    Then I made a grab for my Pokédex, however, the professor’s hand beat me there.
    Maybe replace that first comma with a semicolon.

    Overall, a good start. Blair and Bianca are likeable and round characters, as is the Oshawott. It would be nice, though, to know exactly why Blair is reluctant to start a journey. Is he afraid of what might happen to him, reluctant to leave his home, or just overly cautious?
    Last edited by GastlyMan; 1st March 2011 at 1:16 AM.
    I will be offline from January 2013 to October 2014.

    Greetings from the asylum of my insanity.
    Chapter 3 and cooler banner coming eventually. :P

    Dex: 128 created! ~ DA and LJ links coming later.

  11. #11
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    meaan broa. A++ luved that it was a classic pokemon story. Some would say quite original actually. luv it xx

  12. #12
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    So far, an original beginning. Few fanfics star a main character who actually doesn't want to start his journey.
    A few minor corrections:

    *Times

    Replace the first period with a comma, and lowercase "she."

    Weird dialogue rule here...you shouldn't capitalize "she" after the exclamation mark.

    The apostrophe is only necessary when "it's" is used as a contraction of "it is." If it's used to imply possession, write it as "its."

    Maybe replace that first comma wit a semicolon.

    Overall, a good start. Blair and Bianca are likeable and round characters, as is the Oshawott. It would be nice, though, to know exactly why Blair is reluctant to start a journey. Is he afraid of what might happen to him, reluctant to leave his home, or just overly cautious?


    I think its a great start.

  13. #13
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    Default Chapter 2-Wanderlust

    -Space for replying to the above 2 reviewers (in a hurry sorry, but will get to you guys, ty ) Sorry for taking so long with this chapter...

    EDIT:

    @GastlyMan: appreciate your review very much, i fixed those errors ages ago but only got 'round to replying now. And Blair isn't really any of those things, he's just lazy...that's it. But there'll be some development in that department, don't worry.

    @mariohater: you hate mario? Ty for the review, i guess.

    ---

    Chapter 2 - Wanderlust

    I checked my surroundings. There wasn’t a trace of human life to be found – not in the rainbow of flowers blanketing the landscape, not in the wild grass that grew in every angle and direction, or even the dirt path that wormed up, down and around the hilly expanse that was Route One. I was completely alone.

    I wouldn’t risk this at home. After all the complaining I’d done about being a Pokémon trainer, I would look like a complete idiot doing this in front of someone I knew. I’d be eating my own words. Not that it should matter anymore – it wouldn’t change the fact that I was finally travelling along Route One. As childish as it may be, I’d always wanted to do this. After seeing it time and time again on TV, the idea of doing this had grown on me. I suppose I wasn’t wrong to feel childish – this was a something that I should’ve done four years ago, when I was a child. It was the only redeeming aspect of being a Pokémon trainer.

    I sucked in as much air as my lungs would allow. “Go, Oshawott!” I yelled, lobbing the Poké Ball into the air.

    The incomprehensible blur of red was more wonderful than I imagined it would be. There was something about the way it revolved in mid air that made my mouth open in awe. I let my eyes follow the ball in its dance, until it landed several feet ahead of me.

    For a second, all I could see was a short, snowman like silhouette against the white flash from the Poké Ball. The light dissolved to reveal a flabbergasted Oshawott, its eyes wide. It quickly closed the distance between us. “Wooooott,” it cried, pointing a pale arm towards the horizon.

    “That’s where we’re heading,” I said. I wasn’t sure if it was the thrill of throwing a Poké Ball, or the gleeful expression of Oshawott’s surprise, but something stopped me from droning out the words the way I normally would have. I decided to play along with Oshawott. “Do you want to lead the way, Oshawott?”

    Osha!” It nodded its head with satisfaction. The huge smile that stretched across its face seemed to grow impossibly larger as it stepped confidently onto the dirt path that would lead us to Accumula Town.

    *

    How could it keep going like that? It had traded the rough, stony ground for the soft refuge of the grass, and that was the only change in nearly an hour. Oshawott was still traversing the path with as much enthusiasm as it had begun with. The expression of sheer joy plastered across its face was beginning to take its toll on my sanity. Although I was happy that one of us could enjoy this trek, the way it kept looking back on me with those big caring eyes was pestering. Wasn’t the frown I employed enough to discourage it? Apparently it wasn’t.

    “Wott?” It stopped its walking abruptly. It turned to face me, wonder spread across its features.

    What would it be this time that sparked Oshawott’s seemingly endless curiosity? The tree roots that we had to walk over? More flowers that had withered and died? Maybe just an Oran Berry that’d strayed from its tree? Mystified, I walked slowly up the steep hill.

    It wasn’t at all what I expected.

    A crooked wooden bridge stretched across the weedy lake, so close to the water it seemed to be floating. Situated on the narrow bridge were three figures. Two of the shapes were small and four legged – Pokémon of some sort – and one was a girl – probably a trainer. I walked further down the hill; all three shapes became more defined.

    The girl was probably the same height as me, but the wild ponytail sticking out of the back of her head made it hard to tell. She was wearing some sort of thin black vest that left her arms bare, and her long legs were visible between her extremely short denim shorts and the glossy black boots that crawled just above her ankle. She was fumbling through her pink-red shoulder bag for something, while yelling out commands in her high, stressed voice. I managed to make out “use another tackle!”

    The Pokémon that followed her order ran forward on its short orange legs, bowing its head and tucking in its thin black ears. After a moment, I recognised the small Pokémon as a Tepig.

    As the Tepig got closer, the second Pokémon scrunched up its furry face with concentration and leapt gracefully to the side, avoiding the attack. It swayed for a moment on its short tan legs before turning around and barging the Tepig onto its side. The pig Pokémon struggled around on the wooden planks of the bridge, trying to set itself upright.

    I was now standing at the base of the hill, only a step away from the rickety bridge that looked like it was about to wash away into the water. I cautiously placed one foot down, testing the stability. Maybe it wouldn’t collapse like it looked like it would. I was soon joined by Oshawott, who seemed a lot more at ease – it wouldn’t mind falling into the water. I called out to the girl. “Hey!”

    At the moment, something flew out of her hand. Whatever she had been scouring her bag for was now arching towards the water. It landed with a plonk. The girl turned towards me, fury radiating out of her like a volcano. “You idiot!” she screeched, pointing a thin finger in accusation.

    “Wha–” was all I could manage before she was standing in front of me, he fists clenched by her side.

    “You made my Poké Ball land in the water! I was in the middle of capturing that Lillipup!” She pointed towards both of the Pokémon. The Lillipup was looking at us with an expression of curiosity, while her Tepig had finally managed to stand on four legs; it was now trotting towards us.

    So-rry,” I said sarcastically, poking out my tongue at her.

    “You will be, idiot. You owe me another ball.”

    “Nope. It’s not my problem if you can’t throw a ball.” I was beginning to enjoy myself. Arguing with her was the most interesting thing that had happened since I set out on this journey.

    “Shut up,” she snapped. “That was my last one too, so really, you owe me a Pokémon.” She placed both of her hands on her hips, but the whine in her voice made the gesture seem less intimidating, and more like she was about to burst into a tantrum.

    I let out a snort at her ridiculous statement. “Don’t be stupid. I can’t give you a Pokémon. And besides, you wouldn’t have caught it anyway.”

    “I’d like to see you try.” She began smirking. Her tone then became smug. “I bet you couldn’t.”

    “Well actually, I could.” I used the same know-it-all tone that I put in action whenever Professor Juniper singled me out for something. You need to do something constructive. You need to learn about something called hard work. You need to become a Pokémon trainer. Even though I’d left Nuvema Town behind me, I didn’t seem to have gotten rid of people like the professor. I hoped that there weren’t more people out there like her.

    “Yea right,” she challenged, superiority colouring her voice. “If you really can, show me how.”

    “Fine, I will.” I hoped she couldn’t see through my bluff. I’d never considered the possibility of actually becoming a Pokémon trainer, so I’d never bothered with anything in this field. After a moment of consideration, I decided that it shouldn’t be too hard. It would actually be an opportunity to get on this girl’s nerves. “In fact, I’ll catch this Lillipup.

    “No!” she spat out – an even better reaction than I’d expected. “You can’t do that. Catch a different Pokémon. That Lillipup’s mine.”

    “’If you really can, show me how,’” I quoted with a bad impression of her voice. “Anyway, you’ve got no way to capture it. All out of balls, remember?” This comment didn’t provide a verbal reaction, just a murderous glare.

    I opened the Velcro of my shoulder bag, reaching down until my hand felt the soft texture of the sack that held my Poké Balls. I loosened the drawstring and plucked out a golf ball sized Poké Ball and held it in my hand.

    “Um,” I paused, not sure what to say. “Oshawott, you’re up.”

    There was an excited cry from my side. “Wott Oshawott!” I caught a glance of its confident smile as it stepped between the Lillipup and me.

    I thought for a moment about what moves Oshawott should know – I didn’t want to give this girl a reason to make fun of me, I’d look like an idiot if I told Oshawott to use a move it didn’t know. Oshawott was supposed to learn something called Razor Shell. If that was any indication, it should be able to attack with its shell. But not with Razor Shell. It wasn’t that strong. I needed something basic . . . like scratch. That made sense.

    The girl was now kneeling on both knees, looking up at me expectedly while rubbing her Tepig between its coal black ears. “I’m waiting.”

    I cleared my throat. “Oshawott, use scratch on the Lillipup.” My voice mirrored my confidence – it was very quiet.

    “Wott?” It turned towards me, confusion on its face. Maybe it didn’t know scratch.

    There was a s****** from behind. “Good one genius. Try another move.”

    I felt my cheeks burn red. I hastily tried something different. “Um, tackle, Oshawott?” I said, not sure if this would work.

    This was a command that my Pokémon understood. Oshawott ran towards the Lillipup, and leapt off its feet. It was airborne for a split second before it crashed into its target. The puppy Pokémon was knocked over, while Oshawott quickly recovered. It looked back towards me with a smile.

    I smiled back. “Good job Oshawott!” Without thinking, I turned the metallic Poké Ball in my hand so that my thumb could reach the circular white button in the centre. I pressed it and the ball expanded. It fit nicely in my hand. I looked towards the fallen Lillipup for a second, before lobbing the ball at it.

    The ball flew through the air before hitting the furry Pokémon on its side. It opened, stealing the Lillipup from the bridge with a red streak of light. The ball then closed with a snap. It began to rock back and forth.

    I thought about what I had done. If this worked, I’d have a second Pokémon to look after. I didn’t even know how to look after Oshawott. How would I manage that? Then again, catching Pokémon was all part of being a trainer. I couldn’t amount to anything with just Oshawott.

    Click. There was a flash of white sparks, and the Poké Ball stopped its rocking. Did this mean I’d caught it?

    Apparently I had. My suspicions were confirmed by an outburst from behind me. “Dam you! That was my Lillipup and you stole it from me!” Her reaction was better than I could’ve asked for. She must be livid with me now. That should teach her for snapping out at me.

    I walked over to the ball. “No, actually it’s mine.” I picked it up and walked back so that there was only a foot between us. I waved it in front of her face. “All mine,” I teased before popping the Poké Ball into my pocket.

    Everything I said seemed to evoke a better reaction. “Shut up. You’d never have been able to catch it if I didn’t weaken it first.” She laughed to herself. “That was a fluke.”

    “Nah,” I defended myself, “I’m just better than you.”

    What she said next surprised me. “Prove it. We’ll have a battle. Your Oshawott verses my Tepig.”

    I paused, considering her challenge. This was too easy. Even though I hardly knew anything about battling, I knew enough to know that water types have an advantage against fire types – so Oshawott would sweep the floor with Tepig. One water move was all it would take. And once I beat her, she’d get even more aggravated. The chance to annoy her was too great a temptation. “Fine. Bring it on.”

    She kept rolling out the surprises. “Ok, then. We’ll make this more interesting. If I win, you’ll give me my Lillipup. If you win, you can keep it.”

    My Lillipup,” I corrected her. “And you’ll leave me alone afterwards?” This was the most I could ask for – to get rid of this girl.

    “Fine.” She seemed impatient to start the battle.

    “Sounds great. We’ll do it. I’ll win, and you’ll get lost.”

    “Fine,” she repeated, seeming amused. “You ready Tepig?”

    “Tep!” her Pokémon called out enthusiastically. Together, the trainer and Pokémon walked to the opposite side of the bridge. The girl then leaned down and whispered something in Tepig’s ear. Then she composed herself and began tapping her foot impatiently. “I’m waiting. Again.”

    “Ok,” I said to Oshawott, “get closer to Tepig, but avoid its attacks.”

    Oshawott ran towards Tepig nimbly. As it got closer, the Tepig attempted a tackle. Oshawott swerved out of the way, avoiding Tepig’s attack. This manoeuvre left Tepig facing away from Oshawott, while Oshawott was in the prime position to launch a water attack at its opponent.

    I decided to waste no time and take my opportunity now. Tepig wouldn’t be able to dodge an attack from that range. “Use Water Gun!” I instructed.

    Instead of blasting out water from its mouth like I expected, Oshawott turned to face me for a second before speaking. “Wott wo–“

    I was about to call out to Oshawott, to warn it of its mistake, but It was too late. The girl had used Oshawott’s moment of distraction to mount an assault. Tepig slammed Oshawott onto it back with a sneaky tackle attack.

    Oshawott lay motionless for a few seconds. A quiet snarl ripped through its teeth at the same time it stood up. The look of excitement on its face had been replaced with frustration. It looked over its shoulder at Tepig before wiggling its navy, plank like tail back and forth.

    The attacks didn’t hit Tepig, but the blank look on its face made me think that whatever Oshawott was doing was working. Out of nowhere, Oshawott tackled Tepig, causing it to lose its balance. It toppled sideways onto the hard bridge.

    I must’ve been wearing the same clueless expression as Tepig. “Um,” said the girl, holding something pink and grey in her hand, “that was a tail whip attack.” After a moment I realised she was holding a Pokédex.

    Trying not to look like a complete idiot, I pulled my own Pokédex out of my pocket. I held down the white button in the centre. The screen unfolded upwards, not making a sound. I held it vertically in my hand, so that the back was facing Oshawott. The centre button bleeped red for a moment. Both screens then flashed to life, the top cycling through various images of Oshawott, while the bottom had several options. I tapped Moves.

    The Pokédex spoke in its mechanical monotone. “Tackle, Tail Whip.” This information was accompanied by two bullet points on the bottom screen. I then pointed the Pokédex at the girl’s Tepig. After a second, the Oshawott on the top screen was replaced with photo of a Tepig. Once again, I tapped Moves, and the Pokédex blurted out, “Tackle, Tail Whip, Ember.”

    My attention was suddenly brought back to the battle by the girl’s next instruction. “Show me ember Tepig,” she said warily, like she wasn’t sure if it would work.

    Unlike me, both Pokémon had been focusing on the battle, ready to strike at any moment. Tepig sucked in a breath of air through its mouth, and exhaled a stream of embers from its snout. The flurry of flames flitted through the air, until they hit Oshawott. The water Pokémon didn’t seem too hurt by the attack, but it waved its pale arms in the air manically, seeming annoyed by the embers that hung around it.

    The expression on the girls face was one of disappointment. However, she wasn’t slow to take advantage of this new distraction. “Use another tackle Tepig.”

    Tepig charged once again at Oshawott. The distracted Pokémon didn’t have time to react to the attack, and the tackle hit the seashell placed on its chest. The shell seemed to take most of the impact of the attack – Oshawott stayed firmly on its feet – but this caused it to spiral through the air and land on the edge of the bridge, only a foot away from sinking to the bottom of the lake.

    There was a cry of concern. “Osha!” Before I knew it, Oshawott had left all the worries of the battle behind it, and was hurrying towards its astray shell. It picked up its cherished possession with solemnity and held it close to its chest.

    Once again, Oshawott’s carelessness had left it in a vulnerable position. I wasn’t the only one to notice. “Use another tackle Tepig!” I should’ve expected that. Of course the girl would use this to her advantage. As annoying as she was, I had to admit, she was a good battler.

    Tepig rushed at Oshawott. The otter Pokémon was paying enough attention to attempt a side step; however, the tackle nicked Oshawott’s arm, causing it to tumble down to the wooden foundation of the bridge, narrowly missing a swim in the lake.

    I needed to think of a way around this. Oshawott could try tackle, but it risked being hit with one of Tepig’s attacks, which seemed to be distinctly stronger. It had no water moves, so there wasn’t an easy way out. It looked like a dead end.

    I tossed up my options. I could surrender, and relinquish the Lillipup to the girl. It probably wouldn’t matter if I gave it up – I’d only ever seen Lillipup once and that was definitely not enough to become attached to it. I could continue battling, but it wasn’t fair for Oshawott to take a beating because I was in over my head. I decided to swallow my pride and admit defeat.

    Or, I was. A “ready to give up?” from the opposite side of the bridge got the better of me. I was selfish, but at that moment, I didn’t care. Oshawott was going to have to hold on while I thought of an idea to end this battle and keep my dignity. Luckily for Oshawott, this idea came sooner rather than later.

    “Oshawott,” I said with uncertainty as I paced towards the side of the bridge – this might not work. I leant down and pulled my hand through the chilly water, and flicked some up onto the bridge. “Use your shell to splash Tepig.”

    Oshawott nodded its head in understanding. It stepped away from Tepig. In one fluid motion, it dragged its shell through the lake, collecting water for the attack, and sent a shower of droplets flying at its adversary.

    The experiment was proved a success by a squeal of irritation from Tepig, and a screech of accusation from the girl. “You can’t do that! That’s cheating.”

    “Hmm,” I said, pretending to think. “I don’t think so. Tackle it while it’s distracted, Oshawott.”

    Oshawott was quick to react. It sprung forward at Tepig, who was now shaking its head back and forth, fussing over the water, and knocked it off its feet. Oshawott then scurried away from Tepig, creating some distance between the two.

    “Nice Oshawott.” I complemented, looking at the Tepig. It was struggling to stand now. I was surprising how easily the battle had turned around. Would one tackle be all it needed to defeat it? I was smiling now. Battling wasn’t as bad as I made it out to be. “Tackle, once more!”

    Like me, Oshawott seemed to be getting the hang of things. It ran forward, gaining momentum from the distance it had created. Its tackled Tepig, who was barely recovering from the first tackle, onto its side. Like before, it retreated several paces.

    “Hey, stop that.” The cry was something new for this girl – not teasing, not angry, not smug, but genuine concern. She ran towards her injured Pokémon. She rolled Tepig onto its back and positioned her arm so that it was placed just behind its ears, supporting its frame. “Can’t you see that it’s injured?”

    I was too embarrassed to speak. I just stood there, trying not to look at the wronged Tepig and its laboured panting. I directed my gaze at Oshawott, trying to mimic the grave look on the girl’s face – make Oshawott think that this was its problem. I was met with a better version of my own expression – Oshawott’s big eyes really made me think about what I’d done.

    This wasn’t my entire fault, was it? Surely, Oshawott was to blame for some of it? I wasn’t the one attacking Tepig. It wasn’t me dishing out the tackles. Then why did I get the feeling that all this guilt was being placed upon my shoulders?

    “It’s alright,” the girl cooed, hunching over the limp body of her Pokémon. She fumbled around in the shallow pockets of her shorts, never taking her eyes off her Tepig. She pulled out a Poké Ball, enlarged it and pointed it at Tepig. “Rest time,” she whispered as a red ribbon of light engulfed Tepig, sending it back into its ball.

    The quiet, caring atmosphere didn’t last for long. “What were you thinking?” she demanded, her voice shrill. “You don’t go attacking a Pokémon that’s just fallen over!” Her rant was for me only, her angry stare never once touched upon Oshawott. “You’re meant to give it time to recover!”

    The stern look on her face was enough to make me apologize. “Um, sorry,” I muttered sheepishly, “I didn’t know that.”

    There was a moment of silence. Her face was blank, like she was thinking carefully about what she was going to say next. She then spoke in a way that I didn’t expect – understanding. “Oh, alright then. Just . . . don’t let it happen again.” She then looked at Oshawott for a moment and added “um, you too Oshawott.”

    I waited in silence, not sure what to say. Unfortunately, it wasn’t long until the girl spoke again. “So,” she said, as if she knew that what she was about to say was going to upset me, “when will we have our rematch? Tomorrow? We still don’t know who Lillipup really belongs to.”

    Are you kidding me? I won. You forfeited. Lillipup’s officially mine.” I couldn’t resist plucking Lillipup’s Poké Ball from my pocket and waving it in front of the girl’s face.

    For a moment, she let her eyes follow the ball as I pulled it through the air. After a second, she caught me off guard and snatched the metallic sphere out of my hand with a “hah!” She then made a run for it, sprinting across the bridge.

    I was stunned for a moment as I registered what was happening. Oshawott, on the other hand, was quick to react. It darted forward, faster than I expected. As soon as I realised what was happening, I joined in the pursuit. My footsteps were a rhythmic tapping against the wooden bridge. After a short burst of running, I had left the improvised battlefield and was now treading along the soft grass.

    “Hey!” I called out. My voice was weak and pathetic – I’d had enough of this girl’s antics for one day. “Give it back!”

    “Let me think for a moment,” she teased, keeping her gaze positioned ahead of her. “Nah, I’m not giving it back,” she said with a chuckle to herself as she disappeared behind the hill.

    With many difficult stamps, I finally made it to the pinnacle of the hill – albeit, I took several seconds to satisfy my demanding lungs. While I was resting, I surveyed the next nightmare that I’d have to navigate. It seemed favourable enough – it was mainly downhill, with only a slight incline that shouldn’t be too much trouble – even for me.

    After the short intermission, I resumed my chase. I stampeded down the hill, letting the momentum of the sharp incline propel me forward. A few seconds later, I was once again treading on the comfortable, grassy plain. Both the girl and Oshawott seemed closer – was it possible that I was catching up to them?

    This realisation brought on a bout of hope. I was either speeding up, or the two of them were slowing down – it didn’t matter; each gruesome stride brought me closer to them. I continued in my struggle to chase them down, grinding out each step, somehow managing to tend to my nagging lungs and operate my aching legs. With every few strides, I became noticeably closer to my target. If I managed to continue at this pace, I should be able to catch up to them in approximately two minutes.

    I wondered what I’d do when I did catch up to them. I could get Oshawott to attack the girl – that’d teach her a lesson. I could attempt a tackle of my own, but I’d be more likely to hurt myself – and I didn’t even want to think about the girl’s long, pointed nails digging into my skin. And that’s if I was lucky. She seemed like the kind of person to go for the eye. I could wrestle her for the Poké Ball. I was confident that I could manage that. Oshawott could probably help me. I didn’t seem likely that her Tepig would come to her rescue. I decided that I might not have it in me to actually hurt the girl – it would be best for me if Oshawott did the dirty work.

    I was finally close enough for the girl and Oshawott to notice my approach. Both turned around – Oshawott had an expression of triumph, the girl had an expression of “I didn’t see that one coming.” Now felt like the right time for an attack. Although I was managing running fine, I didn’t have the energy to compose a fully articulated order, so I just choked out a feeble “attack.”

    Oshawott seemed to be on the same page as me. “Wott,” it murmured in the same weak voice I’d used. For a moment, nothing happened. Oshawott continued running. It didn’t make any advance towards the girl, no kind of movement suitable for an attack. I was about to say something, to check that everything was ok, until Oshawott suddenly blasted out a jet of water. It upheld the attack for half a second before stopping movement completely. However, this did the trick, soaking the girl on the small of her back.

    “Ah!” she burst out with displeasure. She immediately stopped and faced us, her face full of defeat. “So . . .” she said, leaving me an invitation to speak.

    “So . . .” I mimicked, “I want Lillipup’s Poké Ball back. Ok?”

    “For now, I guess,” she mumbled, as if someone else was using her voice for her. “We’ll battle sometime later.” Her lips twitched at the corners. “You did cheat.”

    What?” I spat out, “I won. You don’t get a second chance.”

    She smirked before enlarging Lillipup’s Poké Ball and taking a few steps back. “Well, if I don’t, I’ll just release Lillipup and no one gets it.” She rolled the Poké Ball in her hand so her thumb sat comfortably about the centre button.

    I just stood there, looking at her blankly. Was it even possible to release a Pokémon? I tried to find a hint of bluff in her features, but her confident smile gave nothing away. I decided it would be best to play it safe and go along with her compromise. I could always just make off with the Poké Ball later.

    “Ok,” my reluctant voice droned out. “When will we have this rematch? Tomorrow?”

    “Nah, not so soon,” she said, her voice showing her obvious pleasure with the agreement. “Maybe once we’ve caught another Pokémon or something . . .” Go figure. Her Tepig wouldn’t have the advantage against Oshawott now that it could use water gun. All I had to do was catch a Pokémon stronger than whatever she caught next.

    We both waited in silence, waiting for the other to speak. I had no idea what to say or do, so I just blurted out the first thing that popped into my head. “I don’t even know your name.”

    “Oh.” She seemed taken aback by the casual turn the conversation had taken. “It’s Lea. And you?”

    “Blair,” I said, already beginning to feel more comfortable with the conversation. I decided to take the next logical step. “Why are you training Pokémon?” A part of me hoped she could sympathise with being forced into training Pokémon.

    Her cheeks suddenly flushed bright red. “Safety,” she said, beginning to walk ahead of me.

    I waited for a second. She looked over her shoulder as if to gauge my reaction. She waved her hand towards her – a gesture for me to walk with her. She then elaborated.

    “See, I’ve always wanted to travel the world.” This brought a warm smile to her face. “But I’ve lived in Anville Town my whole life.” She paused for a moment and looked back at me. “Do you know where that is?”

    I shook my head. I’d never heard of the place.

    She sighed. “No one does,” she said, more to herself than me. “It’s connected to Nimbasa City by the Subway.” This time she just looked back, waiting for my response.

    Of course I knew where Nimbasa City was. Everyone did. It was home to Unova’s greatest entertainment – amusement parks, sports, Pokémon Musicals, the Battle Subway; something for everyone. Once again I nodded, prompting her to continue with her story.

    “Yea, so it’s really . . . what’s the word? Isolated.” This brought a frown to her face. “I’ve only ever left the town a handful of times, and even then, I’ve only made it as far as Nimbasa City.” The way she phrased it made it seem like she’d tried running away.

    “My family isn’t particularly rich, so they’ve been saving for ages to send me off to travel around Unova.” I got the feeling that she was going to start to unload a whole bunch of issues on me. Despite my lack of experience in that department, I couldn’t help but keep listening.

    “So, after saving for ages – literally, years – they’ve just sent me off. It’s great, but, today wasn’t the best day ever.” She rolled her eyes at me and laughed. I couldn’t believe I was getting on so well with this girl – a few minutes ago, she’d blackmailed me with releasing my Pokémon.

    I laughed with her. Then the inevitable question came. “So why’re you training Pokémon?”

    “I don’t want to be,” I said hesitantly, not sure how much to tell Lea. She was nice to me, not unloading a whole bunch of issues like I thought she would. I thought I’d be nice back and downplay the loathing I had for travelling, for her sake.

    “Professor Juniper decided that she’d barge on in and talk to my parents about me training Pokémon.” Despite my restraint, the grimace of annoyance that accompanied this subject spread across my face. “So, long story short, I’m now training Pokémon. Hur-rah.”

    “Um, ok.” She seemed apprehensive to make any further comment. “I thought the professor was pretty nice. She gave me Tepig.” Seeing my grimace, she dropped the topic in favour of something else. I didn’t see that one coming. Oh boy.

    “Where are we heading next?”


    ---

    Ok,. so what i want to ask of you guys:

    -How did you think I went with that battle (i know it's cheap to just end it like that . . .)

    -Was it too fast/slow paced?
    Last edited by Becoming; 2nd April 2011 at 11:26 PM.
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  14. #14
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    Default Bump to the top!!!!!

    zing work. A+ better than that "when the grave calls" Bull ****
    it's so awful I might just tell all his friends that he writes pokemon fanfic, but that would be too mean.

  15. #15
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    Nice. It was well worth the wait. I did like your characterisation and general writing in this chapter. You managed to keep on character very well, and the characters were interesting. Especially Oshawott. There are a few problems, however. You need to read it through a bit, as there were a few small typos and such that others might have a go at. On the whole, I thought it was too long, and it was a bit of a nightmare to manage to read all the way through in one go (It took me three attempts). Your pacing was fine, and the battle was intresting, for a battle with weaker Pokemon. Anyway, well done like before, keep up the good work, and maybe try and do shorter chapters, it was a bit of a pain for me. Some of the ideas in there were excellent by the way (The lillipup bit, hint hint.) Sehr gut.
    A group of 10 special trainers have been essembled by Professor Birch in a unexplored land. Their mission - to find some special stones to stop Team Magma and Team Aqua from getting them so that the professors can start their indistrialisation of the place. Follow their adventures in "Regional Conflict - The Five Sacred Stones. Please read, and review :)Here is the link. http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?t=482753 Last chapter - Chapter 10: The Tides of Terror

    Please read my other fic, a Unova journey fic - Unova apprentices. - http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?t=498160

    VM me if you want me to review your fic.

    White is nearly done, and nearly all my generation 4 pokemon are on there.

  16. #16
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    Ah, thanks both of you for the review . . .

    @mariohater: WTGC is great, you should actually read it . . . and don't be mean to the author Ty, I guess . . .

    @NSS: Congrats! You've got an abreviated name :P Even after my proof-reading, and my beta's proof-reading, well . . . I'm ashamed that there are still errors! I spotted one in chapter one, but I forgot where it was . . . i'll have a go at fixing them, probably while chapter 3 is being beta'd. But don't worry, they will get fixed. I'm not sure if I can promise shorter chapters, if anything, the chapters might get longer. Sorry, but that's just the way it works out. I'll try to make it so that it's easier to read through . . . somehow . . . i'm not sure how i'll do it though. I apreciate your review though, i'll keep those things in mind
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  17. #17
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    This is great stuff , lol lazy just like me...can't wait to see the additions later on down the line. I just started my fic a day or so ago, anyways can't wait to see chapter 3

        Spoiler:- Credits and Claims:

  18. #18
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    Default

    There was a cry of concern. “Osha!” Before I knew it, Oshawott had left all the worries of the battle behind it, and was hurrying towards it astray shell. It picked up its cherished possession with solemnity and held it close to its chest.
    Its astray. Just a typo.
    After a short burst of running, I had left he improvised battlefield and was now treading along the soft grass.
    *The
    “Where a we heading next?”
    *Are

    So, Blair likes to annoy people? Awesome! It'll be fun to see how that plays out in future situations.
    -How did you think I went with that battle (i know it's cheap to just end it like that . . .)
    I think it went pretty well. You balanced it with coherent plot progression, so it's fine.

    Also, I thought the pacing was done pretty well. Great job.

    (@mariohater, don't copy my posts. :P )
    I will be offline from January 2013 to October 2014.

    Greetings from the asylum of my insanity.
    Chapter 3 and cooler banner coming eventually. :P

    Dex: 128 created! ~ DA and LJ links coming later.

  19. #19
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    Hehe really nice, I suppose I may as well review. And Gastlyman, there is bound to be lots of errors, I beta'd it. If anyone has seen the mess going on with commas in my fics they should know it is not a good sign.

    I'm just going to repeat my comments.

    You described things very well, I'm not sure if that is a great thing. Sometimes the description goes out of control and you just start describing things instead of telling a story. Personally I prefer to have more description rather than less but there is always a nice place in the middle of The Inheritance Series and Twilight.

    Hey, why don't you add a PM list?

    Lots of people will want to be on it I bet. Even me, even though I get emails before the chapter comes out!

    Now you have to review me! HA!

    Chapter Four: Cece Chase: Ace Detective

    Credit to Umbreonkit

    Chapter Five: A Rival Appears

  20. #20
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    @Jessie_James: thanks. Some additions should come at the end of chapter 3 . . . I hope you weren't expecting what I've got planned . . .

    @GastlyMan: thanks for reviewing! Blair does like to annoy Lea, that's for sure . . . and mariohater is a friend of mine, he's purposely spamming my thread . . . but it's all in good . . . I think spirit's the right word.

    @Moonlightning: Thanks for reviewing (you get a recycled thanks :P) I don't think we're very good beta-ers for eachother, are we? So I'm trying to change up chapter 3 so that I keep the description under control. I will, add a PM list, great idea.

    WHO WANTS TO BE ON THE PM LIST?

    I'll get onto reviewing you soon . . .

    Chapter 3 is nearly finished, hope someone's looking forward to it. Also, thoughts about the banner?
    Last edited by Becoming; 27th March 2011 at 12:40 AM.
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