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Thread: The hero within

  1. #1
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    Default The hero within

    The part before chapter one that nobody can create a fixed name for but will be called chapter zero here

    Zac was in a rush. He had made a mistake of running late, since today he had to get his first Pokémon. As he ran into town, he thought about the dream he had had the previous night. The seemingly endless reaches of space being torn apart, then exploding as if it were a single object. The gleaming eyes watching him (he couldn't describe them any further, for unknown reasons). The blue sphere blasting him at an unbelievable temperature. After that he had woken up, and that's why he was here.

    Finally, Zac had made it to the store. As he ran in, he saw his friends, Tom and Alice choose their first Pokémon. Zac looked up and said, "Whoa, slow down. I'm the one in a rush. Describe the story in a more detailed way. The audience will have no idea who I am. They might even think I am 43 feet tall and made of chocolate!"

    Okay, Settle down. Zac is 44 feet tall an-
    "That's not true! Hurry up!"
    Zac looks like what you would expect a 14-year old to look like, except for a few details. He has 9-inch long hair, odd socks and a shirt saying
    You don't have this shirt.
    The shopkeeper gave Tom and Alice their first Pokéballs and then moved on to Zac.
    "What would you like?" Asked the storekeeper.
    "A Ralts, please." Replied Zac.
    "But I heard u liek Mudkipz."
    "Uuum, no."
    The shopkeeper handed over a gleaming red-white ball and left.

    To rather obviously be continued.
    What do these pokemon have in common? Put it in your own siggy if you know. Created by Power464646.




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  2. #2
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    Hmm, has potential, but needs longer chapters

    4th wall breaking is nice, but if this is a serious story then it'll seem outta place.

    Grammar seems Ok.

    Try to add a backstory next chapter.
    My Pokemon

    BlitzBreaker Stryker Micheal Zack Alex Brett :26:







  3. #3
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    Default

    Thanks. I was just planning a brief Intro anyway. Ooooh there will be back story. Don't you worry!
    What do these pokemon have in common? Put it in your own siggy if you know. Created by Power464646.




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  4. #4
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    Has a lot of potential as a good story. First some mistakes that need editing:
    Quote Originally Posted by Power464646
    The shopkeeper gave Tom and Alice their first Pokéballs and then moved on to Zac.
    "What would you like?" Asked the storekeeper.
    either use 'shopkeeper' or 'storekeeper' not both
    I don't really like the way are narrating the story but that is my opinion.
    One corcern i have is that you could do with more description and length in other chapters, otherwise the story will become boring.
    Good start though.
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  5. #5
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lucarimew2 View Post
    either use 'shopkeeper' or 'storekeeper' not both.
    Sorry. Auto-correct glitch.
    What do these pokemon have in common? Put it in your own siggy if you know. Created by Power464646.




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  6. #6
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    CHAPTER ONE
    Zac came out of the shop rather pleased with himself. He had successfully bought a Ralts who appeared to be a friendly young specimen (and a wise one, as you will soon discover). Outside, Alice was waiting in an impatient sort of manner. Alice was three inches (7.5 cm) taller than Zac, although she was a year younger. She had emerald green eyes, long brown hair, and, recently, a Vulpix. As Zac approached her, he realised she was alone. “Where i…” Zac began. “Once again, he overeagerly ran off.” Alice replied. “Anyway, are we just going to stand here, or are we going to have a battle?” Not expecting an answer, she threw out her pokéball. Zac followed this move and the two spherical capsules hit the ground, revealing a red fox with way too many tails, as well as a helmeted white humanoid that appeared to have been cranially impaled.
    “Vulpix! Use ember!” Alice ordered. A series of glowing sparks shot from Vulpix’s mouth, flickering towards Ralts. “Ralts! Use…” Zac began, and was interrupted once more. Ralts had already created a translucent blue wall. Ember collided with the partly see- through object. What happened next was unexpected. The wall imploded on the floating hot coals, shimmered, and became a shining ring that hit Vulpix’s forehead. Vulpix, in turn, steamed and fainted.
    “… confusion.” Zac finished in a whisper. Zac thought that what unravelled before him was amazing, but if he looked at the sky (which nobody did, Azelf was made to cast a spell on everyone so not a single creature bothered to do so), he would have seen majestic nothingness, as a battle was raging on about what should be there.
    ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Meanwhile, in the infinite reaches of the void, an argument was occurring between five dragon-like things were arguing. They were aware that five creatures would become nine if necessary, and they should, at all costs, avoid making that ten or all would be lost.
    The two youngest who were in this argument (Who were born at the same time, one could not be born without the other), Zekrom and Reshiram, were the cause of this ‘debate’. “Reshiram,” Zekrom said in an aggressive tone, “You’re all sunshine all the time, and you wish to lead the world in the same way!” “Well, at least I don’t have a dull name!” Reshiram countered. “AAARGH! LOOK OUT! IT’S Zekrom.” “Would you two cut that out!?!” Angrily interrupted the one known as Giratina. “I am willing to introduce Darkrai, as well as the family of Uxie, Azelf and Mesprit to this argument!” “And we can open the Upper dimension!” Continued the oldest, Dialga (Who was born when time was, as any earlier is impossible in every regard to the subject ). “You wouldn’t.” Zekrom replied. There was a moment of silence and meaningful glares until… “GRAUGHUH!” Erupted Dialga. “CKCKHSSSSS!” Literally hissed Giratina. “OOOH-WOOOH-WOOH-WOH-WOH-WOOOH!” Shouted the only one I haven’t introduced, a reptilian creature with a glazed over body, ruler of space, Palkia.
    A dark beam of dimensional force cascaded from Dialga’s mouth, as if he were to say “IMMAFIRINMAHLAZOR!”
    Bubbles rippled around Palkia’s arm, before condensing into a tear in space, or as cute things say, “Spaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaace!”
    Giratina simply vanished, although everybody knew this as shadow force.
    The time/ space blasts were, from your view of dimensions, abruptly stopped by the fur and armour of the deep black and vast white Pokémon (who didn’t appreciate almost being blown to bits). Moments later, Giratina smashed into the body of Zekrom and created a black hole around Reshiram, temporarily destroying their bodies.
    “Darkrai!” Giratina barked, which caused the appearance of a peculiar black-and-red shadow that appeared to be hovering in a torn kilt. “I know what you’re going to tell me, so don’t bother.” The shadow said, before floating off.
    ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Ralts knew when something up. He noticed when a full moon had been in the sky every night for three weeks, although no-one listened. Ralts also noticed that everybody ignored the fact that the sky had been missing for three hours, and that even though it was late summer, it was snowing. Something was very, really, greatly, extremely, unbelievably, excruciatingly wrong. He then thought of one word explained everything. Kyurem… He was right, or was he? He thought about it, and realised there were many legendaries that could do this. Rayquaza, Lugia, Regigigas… Eventually he fell asleep, which, as you, dear reader, will see in chapter two, a mistake.
    What do these pokemon have in common? Put it in your own siggy if you know. Created by Power464646.




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  7. #7
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    Sorry to keep you waiting everyone. Having trouble with Word.
    What do these pokemon have in common? Put it in your own siggy if you know. Created by Power464646.




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  8. #8
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    Know what? Nobody's acknowledging this. Anyone know how to close stuff?
    What do these pokemon have in common? Put it in your own siggy if you know. Created by Power464646.




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  9. #9
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    Quote Originally Posted by Power464646 View Post
    Know what? Nobody's acknowledging this. Anyone know how to close stuff?
    Only mods can close threads, and you could have easily come to us. Still, not getting many replies is a silly reason to stop writing a story - it happens to the best of us. Of course, the fact that your fic is hard to read because of poor paragraphing and being under the minimum length required doesn't help your case.

    Each chapter needs to be at least two pages long on Microsoft Word. You also have to paragraph properly, which means starting a new paragraph every time a new person speaks as well as skipping a line between each paragraph to make it more readable.

    Please keep this in mind for when you post here in the future. Please also ensure that you read the Fan Fiction Rules. Until then, closing this thread on request.

    ~Psychic

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