17th February 2011, 4:36 PM
Memories (NEW! Assistantblondeshipping Rated PG)
Hello everyone! Me and my big sis Tabby have successfully finished the prologue of our fanfiction. It's about that blue-haired assistant of Prof. Rowan. His name is Yuzo and Tabby decided to make a comic about his life for some reason or another, and then we decided to make her comic into a fanfiction. Thus, this was born. It was gonna be my first English fic, but it was uncomfortable. It's in Japanese again. :P (Sorry guys)
Kurara/Clara Ikari/Sara Shinji/Paul Mamapato/Pidove Yuzo/Yuzo Hikari/Dawn Reiji/Reggie Issu/Unova
Ok that's it! The only characters we own are Ikari and Kurara, the rest belong to Tajiri-san. and the rating is PG to be safe, no swearing or anything.
Somewhere in the Issu Region.Prologue
Kurara gazed out of the open window. What pretty little Mamapato, with their heart shaped markings on their little gray bodies. Kurara's twelve-year-old sister came running in, and the flying Pokemon took flight.
"Kurara, Kurara!" she whined "Shinji took my shoe from me!"
The purple-haired fourteen-year-old strolled in. In his left hand was Ikari's black Vans tennis shoe.
"Only because she threw it at me." He scoffed. He tossed the shoe at Sara's face "Here, take your stupid shoe."
Shinji was sort of Kurara's brother, but sort of not. His parents were Kurara and Ikari's legal guardians, but Kurara was 19 and preferred to live alone with Ikari on her own. Today he and Reiji were visiting them. Hikari, who was staying at Reiji's house as an exchange student from Futaba High, had come along too. The shoe hit Ikari in the face.
"You jerk!!!" She shrieked. She threw the shoe back at him. Shinji stepped to the side and dodged easily.
"That all ya got?" he taunted, picking up the shoe "Gimme your best shot!" He chucked the shoe back in her direction. Ikari tried to catch it, but missed getting hit in the face with it again instead.
Kurara sighed and got up, not wanting to get involved "I'm going for a walk. If anything happens Reiji's here."
The two teens didn't look up from their glare-down "Ok."
Kurara walked into the kitchen where Hikari and Reiji were making lunch "I'm going out for a while, make sure Ikari doesn't kill Shinji or vise versa please."
Reiji looked up "Don't worry." He turned to the dining room entrance "Shinji! Could you and Hikari go get some whole cloves at the grocery for me? By the way that's not a request."
Kurara was out the door already and didn't here Shinji's answer. Kurara walked down the streets of the quiet Issuian town. She pondered her thoughts silently for a half an hour before she ended up at the public park. She stared at the fountain sadly.
I wish He was here. Kurara thought He'd always liked fountains like the one in the park's center. He said they calmed him when he was upset or angry. Then she saw it; a flash of blue. Kurara whipped around. The first thing she saw was his face. He stood there, staring at her with a dreamy smile on his face, and his thick blue hair being blown around by the wind.
"Yu…zo." She murmured, as if she couldn't believe he was there. She stood there, staring dumbly at him, her skirt and dark mint hair whipped around in the wind.
Yuzo took a step towards her "Kurara." He said.
"Yuzo!" She shrieked. She threw herself at him suddenly without warning. He spread arms out and caught the short girl.
"Kurara." He murmured, his voice muffled by her hair.
The two of them stood there, frozen by the wave of memories sweeping over them.
I'll remember them all. Kurara thought I won't ever forget any of them. I'll remember the good and the bad, forever.
Kurara thought about what had happened in the months leading up to the meeting in the park. She was now back in her own kitchen, gazing at Yuzo as Shinji and Hikari pestered him. He answered each of their questions patiently, even though he had already answered them all for Kurara.
"Oh and one more thing" he said after answering the last question "Kurara and I are getting married."
"What?!?!?" Everyone in the room, except Reiji, yelled.
Wow Shinji thought After all this, they're finally getting married.
Reiji spoke up "You know, I only played a small part in all of this, and I could use that explaination right about now.
Oh right. Ikari, Kurara, Yuzo, Shinji, and Hikari had played the biggest roles and Reiji was probably in the dark about most of the adventure.
"I help tell you." Shinji said "It can be a point-of-view story. We'll take turns telling it."
"That sounds good" Kurara chirped "I'll start! You see it all started on a snowy day about three years ago..."
Haha! It's only the prologue, so it's short. The first official chapter will be up at a time Unknown to me. Please Review! Oi it's kinda short and indiscriptive isn't it? Gomen!!! I'll make the next chapter better!!
Last edited by EifieChan; 20th February 2011 at 4:44 AM.
Being ignored displeases me.
18th February 2011, 9:02 AM
I'mmmm backkkkkk. lol. okay to the review.
Your getting better with the describtion. this is good but it can be improved. let me show you. =D
Originally Posted by EifieChan
Somewhere in the Issu Region.
Kurara gazed out of the open window. The weather was great the sun shined in its most beautiful glory. there was no clouds in sight and the wind laid low. the air was filled with the sounds of a small common Unova pokemon. the Mamapato. with their heart shaped markings on their little gray bodies. its small heart shape on its cheast was cute marking on the small pigeon.Kurara's twelve year old sister came running in, and the flying Pokemon took flight.scary the small flying type to another near by tree.
Put more effort into it. try to describe everything in your mind. try to write down everything that you see in this scene. describe the weather, the town, the pokemon. when that is done go onto the main charather, put some background info into it. make your readers addicted to your story, make them want more. as a writer your role is to do this. Let me show you an example.
made this up right now. don't relate to the story.
It's snowing again. It hasn't snowed here since last year, the year my mother went away. I remember her saying that she would be back quick and she only had to go the shops to buy a few things. I remember waiting for her, staring through this window, waiting for her return. But she never came back home. I watched as the small white dots fell slowly to the ground, crashing into more of that soft white blanket of purity, or more known as snow. I watched and imagined that on a day like this, a shadowy figure would start to come out and form the shape of my mother. So I can run to her and hug her as tight as I can, so tight that I refused to let her go.
I was sitting on the sofa and behind it was the window I kept gazing upon. I was on my knees, facing the window with my hands tightly gripping on the head part of the couch. I never could count how long I would stare at the empty white background for. It just became a hobby of mine, something I just had to do. I looked up the clock, it was past midnight and if my father found out I was up this late, he wouldn't be very pleased with me. I soon heard the squeaky sound of one of the doors opening. My mind felt terrified that it was my father and found out I wasn't in bed. I took a sigh of relief when my eyes saw who it was.
Now this is only two paragrapghs and i've been able to describe a background of this child's mother going missing, what she remember of their mother and what they feel about this. i've described the area and what the charather is doing and a info of the child's father as well. describing emtions of a certain chararther will make the reader more interested in the story.
And i want to congrats you on something, your fixed tha paragrapgh issue! yay. cookie for you. *gives cookie*
now work on the length of your story, i think there is a rule here on serebii that if a story is less than a page long, it will get deleted. write more in your stories. add anything you can to make it longer. it doesn't have to be a 49 paged chapter but it cant be only 3 pages long. work around the area of between 5-11 pagers per chapter, yes it might sound alot but the more you write the easier it gets. only yesterday did i finish an 11 page chapter in one sitting.
But otherwise your really are getting better. keep it up Eifie. =3
PS= i hope i didn't hurt you in me review and excuse my typos. =)
Last edited by Midnightmoon6o2; 18th February 2011 at 9:10 AM.
18th February 2011, 4:28 PM
Nope! ^^ All is well. I noticed these things a little while after I posted this, and I'm going to fix that in the next chapter
which I haven't started yet Thanks for reviewing my fics! Wait, so even the prologues have to be three pages? I get the feeling that if I had made it any longer I would have given it all away. I still need readers. TT^TT
Being ignored displeases me.
19th February 2011, 2:37 AM
It was a prologue? i never knew. i thought it was chapter one so thats why i said all of that. i guess thats another thing you have to clear up on. make clear if that part of the story is a chapter/prologue/epilologue. so you can aviod confusion. normally prologues are quiet short, around five pages, sometimes prologues are longer than the chapters itself. when your writing prolouges you have to gives us a fair idea of the person and their background. thats what prologues are. to inform the readers what is happening.
Originally Posted by EifieChan
I review your fics because your writing style reminds me alot on how i first started. in fact the way you write is much better to how i first started. i do mean it. and if you want more readers improve or post your stories on FF.net and on other forums.
Last edited by Midnightmoon6o2; 19th February 2011 at 2:39 AM.