25th February 2011, 3:13 AM
Aura Senses (Advanceshipping, and many other relationships!)
EDIT: I will be putting up revised chapters 1-3 very soon!
A few words..
Hey everyone! I am thrilled to present my first fanfic ever! This will include Advanceshipping, and a whole bunch of different relationships.
*Rating* PG-13, could turn into 15+/16+ depending on how much romance I get into this. (Won't happen till waaay later on though)
Pike Queen Lucy- 19
(2:30 PM) Twinleaf Town, Right Outside Dawn’s House
On a bright and sunny evening a young boy by the name of Ash Ketchum raced through Twinleaf Town, eager to see two of his best friends.
“Hurry up Pikachu, or else they’ll think I went to eat without them!” Ash said with a sly grin.
“Pi-Pika-Pi!!” shouted Pikachu.
As Ash and Pikachu blurred by the lab, they came across the familiar place the trio had been calling home for the past week. He busted through the front door, as two familiar faces turned around.
“Dawn, Brock, has May arrived yet?” Ash had a look on his face that best resembled a Purugly that ran into a pole.
“Relax Ash, her boat isn’t due for another hour and a half” Brock said with a smile.
“Yeah Ash, relax. Brock made some soup” Dawn winked.
Ash grudgingly nodded OK and sat down to eat some of the delicious chicken soup Brock made. By the time he was done a pile of plates were on the table.
“Why don’t you three hurry up now, I’ll take care of the dishes” Dawn’s mom said.
In a Park near the Pier and Dawn’s House
Meanwhile another trainer, similar to Ash, though completely different in looks walked through the grass. He calmly sat down and pulled out 5 poke balls.
“Come on out everyone, enjoy the warm weather!” 5 poke balls got thrown in the air. Out came a Riolu, a Pichu, a Empoleon, a Flygon and a Eevee. Riolu and Empoleon relaxed in the warm breeze, while Flygon found a nice tree to take a nap in. Eevee and Pichu however stayed in close proximity to their trainer.
(3:00) On the way to the Pier
“Guys lets go, or we’ll miss the boat!”
“Will you relax Ash, we still have thirty minutes!” Dawn huffed as she tried to keep up with Brock and Ash.
Riolu sensing people nearby, sent an Aura Sphere attack into the sky.
“Nice one Riolu, but what was that for?” the Trainer questioned as he slowly got to his feet.
“Pikaaa-Pi!” Pikachu exclaimed excitedly as he pointed at the mystical Aura Sphere.
“Let’s go check it out guys?”
“Oh my gosh...you just made us run halfway to the ferry, only to be distracted?” Dawn mumbled under her breath.
The three followed the Aura Sphere, and ran into the Trainer.
“Well hello! My name is Brandon, I’m a trainer from Celadon City!” the trainer said excitedly, while Riolu and Pichu hopped down from his shoulder.
“Hey! I’m Ash Ketchum from Pallet Town! This is Brock from Pewter City, and Dawn who’s also from Twinleaf!” Ash said in a friendly voice, as Pikachu jumped down and greeted Riolu and Pichu
“Nice to meet you guys! Ash, I think I’ve seen you battle somewhere..was it the Kanto League?” Brandon said while thinking back.
“You bet! Hey want to-“ Ash was cut short by the blare of a ship horn!
“Oh no! We’re LATE. Umm-!”
“Brandon sorry to leave so quick, but if you want come with us!” Dawn said quickly.
I just met this guy, but he gives off the same aura as Brandon..I’ve never told him this..It’s for his own good.. Riolu thought.
Ash sprinted towards the pier, harder than he had ever run in his life. Pikachu was hanging onto his shoulder for his life.
Oh man, I’ve never seen Ash so pumped to see a friend... Pikachu thought to himself.
Ash noticed Pikachu hanging on by a thread and slowed down “Whoops, sorry Pikachu I didn’t mean to make you hang on like that”
Pikachu responded enthusiastically “Pi-Pika-Pi!”
Brandon threw a Poke Ball into the air. “Flygon, make sure Ash, Dawn and Brock get to the Pier as fast as possible OK?”
The three hopped on Flygon’s back and said “Thanks Brandon! See you there!” in unison.
“Glad to help!”
You know, saving those Pokémon really made me think about what Nurse Joy said. I’d hate to leave Ash after all these years though..If only there was some way I could become a Pokémon Doctor while travelling with Ash.. Brock thought to himself.
(5:00) Twinleaf Pier
“Thanks Flygon! You were great!” Ash told the majestic Pokémon. He gazed admiringly at the sheer size of Flygon. Flygon replied by nodding his head.
Ash could see the ship unboarding. Many passengers flooded out, and all of a sudden a hint of a emerald bandana.
“MAY OVER HERE!!” Ash yelled while jumping up and down.
“Ash! Brock! Dawn! How nice to see all of you again!” May replied enthusiastically.
Ash and May met glances. Ash looked into May’s stunning, sapphire eyes while she connected with his soft, brown eyes. There was an awkward silence between the two, which was quickly broken by Brock “So May, lets head to Dawn’s house and you can fill us in on your Johto adventures!”
All of a sudden Pikachu noticed a figure in the distance with a Riolu on its head. “Piiiiiiika”
Ash exclaimed “Hey look it’s Brandon!”
After all the introductions, Brandon spoke with Ash “Hey Ash what were you going to ask before you had to go?”
Ash replied “I was going to ask to battle you, so do you accept?”
Last edited by Wuster; 25th August 2011 at 9:31 AM.
25th February 2011, 3:29 AM
hey there, just read through it. i myself am an aspiring writer who has written few, less than succesful fics. (besides my current one which i think is great) so due to my lack of experience. ill critique you as a reader rather than a writer. it was not bad, it seems like the start to a good story, but that all it is, a start. it felt more to me like an intro rather than a chapter. i also feel that some elements were rushed, you should definately add more detail to your writing, and let things progress slower. i like your idea of the time frame, it gives a good idea of the distance between section, however i feel you should explain to the reader more of the scene through descrpitive language rather than spelling it out for us. Keep writing! you dont have to take my advice, it is up to you after all, just some suggestions i thought about while reading. but dont stop writing, just fix what you feel needs fixed and keep it up cause its fun!
25th February 2011, 4:28 AM
Scarecrow! Thanks for the constructive critisism! It's much appreciated, and your comments will definetly be in my head as I continue to write this fic. Please stay tuned for chapter 2, which will be more descriptive and of course the battle scene between Brandon and Ash!
25th February 2011, 7:29 AM
YES! a advanceshipping fic!
You people who write their first fic make me jelouse, you guys wrote better than me. lol. okay to the review.
I'm gonna crititque you. i hope i don't insult you.
When you start off a fanfic, you have to start off powerful and will grab the readers attention. don't reveal everything at the start. learn to describe and don't be afraid to try new ways to describe certain things. add mystery when you can.
But so far, its okay. if you improve on the things i said you will become a great writer in no time. anyway i hoped. I like you story. keep it up.
Originally Posted by Wuster
25th February 2011, 5:38 PM
glad you did that Midnight! i was afraid that not giving examples might be confusing. but you did so yeehaw!
Im not generally a supporter of Advanceshipping, but i like this. cant wait for chapter 2
25th February 2011, 9:06 PM
Thanks for the help Midnight, I will definetley work on those aspects. You seem like a very accomplished writer yourself :P.
26th February 2011, 4:03 AM
Sorry for the length of the chapters...I guess once March Break hits, I'll try and get the next two longer. Just with school, hockey and life it's very difficult to make long chapters. Sorry once again if they are too short. Also if someone could help me out, what is a good length for a chapter on MS Word?
“Sure!” Brandon replied, pumping his fist in the air.
Riolu seemed to be almost as pumped as his trainer and responded with an enthusiastic “Ri-rio!”
Brock coolly said “As a former Gym Leader, I will act as Referee.” With a smile on his face.
“Let’s get this show on!” exclaimed Ash, emanating Brandon’s excitement.
(6:30) Dawn’s Backyard
“Ash, I’ll give you the first move.” Brandon said with a sly grin on his face.
“Alright” Ash replied, determined to beat his new friend.
The air had an electric atmosphere to it, almost as if this was going to be The Battle.
“This will be a 2 on 2 Double Battle” Brock stated, looking on at the two trainers.
“Go, Infernape, Pikachu!” Ash yelled, as he released his Fire-Monkey Pokemon, and Pikachu came running onto the field.
“Hm. Well, battle on, Flygon and Pichu!” Brandon said as he threw Flygons poke ball into the air, and Pichu hopped off his perch on Brandon’s head, determined to beat his evolution.
“Pi-Pichu!” He stated while sizing up his foes.
“BEGIN!” Brock yelled, smiling with the knowledge that this would be a good battle.
“Pikachu use Quick Attack to get close to Flygon, and then use Iron Tail!
Infernape use Dig on Pichu!”
The electric mouse disappeared in a quick burst of speed, and the fire powerhouse burrowed underneath the field.
“Oh yeah? Pichu use Volt Tackle to intercept Pikachu, Flygon use Hyper Beam in that hole!”
“A Pichu with Volt Tackle?!” Dawn screamed in surprise as she saw Pichu engulf itself in electricity, and take down Pikachu. Infernape meanwhile, was stuck underground.
“Infer..” Infernape, awaiting the command from Ash to dodge the attack, was getting nervous.
“INFERNAPE GET OUTTA THERE!” Ash yelled, just as Flygon fired the high-damage beam of energy into the hole. Infernape got out, but unfortunately got caught by the Hyper Beam just as he surfaced.
“I-I-Infernape is unable to battle.” Brock stated, in shock at the sheer power
of Flygon’s Hyper Beam.
Ash called Infernape into it’s poke ball. “Great job buddy, you deserve a nice rest.”
“Hey Ash, it’s getting extremely close to suppertime, how about we get Infernape some help, and we can finish this off sometime else?” Brandon asked.
“Uhh, sure?” Ash replied with a questioning look on his face.
(7:00) Dawn’s House
The aroma of freshly cooked noodles and beef filled the dining room. There was a table set for six: Ash, Brock, May, Dawn, Brandon, and Dawn’s mother. Ash and Brandon were drooling over the smell.
“Thanks for this awesome dinner!” Brandon said, while staring at the food like he hadn’t eaten for days.
“Hey Brandon, you have some pretty good battling techniques, where have you competed?” Ash questioned, with a grin on his face.
“Well I’ve done the Johto League, Kanto League, and Hoenn League. I placed top 8, followed by two top 4’s.”
“That’s amazing! I have to train with you!” Ash said with an ecstatic look on his face.
“Sure, hey Dawn, May, Brock, how about you fill me in on what you guys do?” Brandon said as he ate some of the delicious noodles Dawn’s Mother cooked.
“Well I aspire to be the world’s best Pokemon Breeder.” Brock said, whilst stroking Chansey’s head.
“Me and Dawn want to be Top Coordinator!” May blurted out.
Riolu, sensing Ashes Aura thought Ash seems to have feelings for this May girl. He must be too dense to figure it out though
“Hey Riolu, what’s on your mind?” Brandon asked, while smiling with his new friends.
I have never seen Brandon so happy..
"Nothing Brandon, don’t worry about me.”
“Did Riolu just use telepathy to communicate with us?!” May said in awe, with a shocked look on her face.
“You bet!” Ash and Brandon replied in unison.
“Ash you’ve seen a Riolu before?” Brandon asked, awestuck.
“Yea-“ Ash started, before May interrupted him.
“Ash saved a Riolu before, and even a Lucario!” May blurted out. After she realized what she did, her face turned almost as red as her old bandana.
“Umm, that pretty much sums it up..” Ash said quietly.
Oh no what have I done?! May thought, while quietly in a panic attack.
“So Ash, how’s it going?” May asked, trying to change the subject.
“Well for starters, I finished Top Four in the Sinnoh League.”
“Really?! I lost to some dude with a Darkrai and Latios..I came Top Eight..Sorry to interrupt though, please continue.”
“Really Brandon?! I don’t remember seeing you..” Dawn exclaimed.
“Actually now that I think back, I vaguely remember seeing someone who resembles you...” Brock said, while stroking his chin.
“Haha yeah, I was wearing different things, and a hat my friend bought me for good luck.” Brandon replied while scratching his head, with a goofy grin on his face.
“Oh that explains it, don’t worry it looked good!” Dawn said with a smile. She began to realize what she said, and immediately turned as red as a Groudon. She said “Umm, well I guess I’ll be heading to bed, good night!”
“Haha thanks Dawn, and goodnight!” Brandon said while slightly blushing.
“Goodnight!” Everyone said.
Hm looks like Dawn has a little crush..
Brock merely smiled on, and finished up his food.
Last edited by Wuster; 26th February 2011 at 4:08 AM.
26th February 2011, 4:44 AM
Alot more descriptive this time. thats cool! im really liking it so far. though things still seem a little rushed. i suppose thats because of chapter size, and you feel that you need to fit it all in there before you end the chapter.
Originally Posted by Wuster
As far as chapter length goes, i use Microsoft Works word processor(similar to Word, but i dont have word so i have to settle) and my chapters are in 11 font and usually run anywhere from 3 to 6 pages. And i understand that you have alot to deal with right now, i do too (but you dont wanna hear about it haha.) so dont feel that you need to finish a chapter in one sitting, just save the document and come back to it when you have more time. dont rush to get a chapter done and out there. the readers will love it all that much more if you take your time crafting it.
Keep it up!
26th February 2011, 7:26 AM
A good length would be about more than 10+ pages but for beginers try to aim between seven to nine.
Originally Posted by Wuster
Like i said in the eariler review, you really have to work on describing the area the chararthers are in. you have to think about whats in their background and explain it, how it effects the chararther as well. it also adds lenght to the story as well.
But your improveing! =) keep it up. but it can be better.
But the best way to improve on this is writing more and reading other fics written by other great writers. but i like i said before, i do like this story.
Originally Posted by Wuster
Also there is no need to rush. do that and it will ruin the fic. aviod rushing and plan out whats going to happen in each chapter. have a fair idea whats going to happen in each chapter.
Last edited by Midnightmoon6o2; 26th February 2011 at 7:43 AM.
26th February 2011, 4:37 PM
Thanks you guys, great advice. I'm trying to improve The people at Pokecommunity aren't as nice as you guys :P
27th February 2011, 3:48 AM
Well when i started i didn't get very helpful hints and most told me to stop. =/ anyway i do hoped i helped you and im looking forward to the next chapter.
Originally Posted by Wuster
27th February 2011, 7:09 AM
yeah, i have trouble getting any feedback at all. either positive or negative. Im glad that you like it here though!
27th February 2011, 6:10 PM
I love it here! Also is their any advanceshipping thread here? And I read both of your current fanfics and I love them! I'm gonna post in both of your fanfics!
27th February 2011, 7:17 PM
yeah the advanceshipping thrad is in the general shipping forum, and thanks, it will be much appreciated. i cant wait for chapter 3!
28th February 2011, 11:30 PM
As Dawn rushed up the wooden stairs, everyone sat in silence, wondering what could have caused the sudden outburst. Brandon however, broke the silence.
“Hey Ash, it looked like you couldn’t focus in that battle, something the matter? You kept looking to the sidelines.” Brandon said in a teasing tone, while smiling mischievously.
“Huh? I was?” Ash said with a questioning look on his face, taking off his red and white Pokémon hat, and smoothing out his jet black hair.
“Yeah I noticed that too. You know I think that is how Brandon’s Flygon beat you. You weren’t focused, and neither were your Pokémon.” Brock stated, while crossing his muscular, tanned arms.
Ash pondered on it, while staring at Pikachu. The little, yellow electric mouse felt concerned for Ash and asked “Pi?”
“You know, I think your right Brock, I just don’t know how I could’ve been distracted like that...”
I knew it. Ash is too dense to realize his feelings for May. He will come to his senses eventually. His time will come. Riolu thought, sitting cross-legged on the floor in meditation.
While Brandon, Brock and May helped Dawn’s mother clean up all the plates, Ash sat on the couch with Pikachu on his lap. “You know buddy, I really think Brock was right...I can’t put my finger on what it could be though.” He said, stroking Pikachu’s soft, yellow fur.
(9:00 PM) Dawn’s Room, Twinleaf Town
“Hey Dawn, your Mom said I could sleep here!” May said while dragging a blue sleeping bag into Dawn’s room.
“Here let me help you with that.” The blunette said, flashing a smile at May.
After the two girls set the sleeping bag up, they hopped into bed.
“Goodnight May”, Dawn said drearily
“Nigh-YAAWN...Night Dawn”, May said cracking a smile.
The three boys set up in the spare room. Ash asked “Brandon we need to have a rematch. Please?”
“Sure first thing tomorrow Ash, also thanks for being ref Brock, you were great!” Brandon said, yawning loudly and stretching his toned, somewhat muscular arms.
“Not a problem. Let’s get some sleep now OK?” Brock said, beaming that the group had a new addition.
(8:00 AM) Spare Room, Dawn’s House, Twinleaf Town
“Ash...Ash....AAAAAAAAAASHHHH WAKE UP BREAKFAST TIME!” Brock yelled, looking frustrated at the result.
“Five..more....minutes..mommy”, Ash said dreamily, while turning over in the sea-blue comforter.
“Brandon c’mon, get up”, Brock had a shocked look on his face- Brandon got up, but dragged himself out of bed to the washroom to freshen up.
Well at least he got up... Brock thought, quietly smiling to himself as he made his way downstairs to the welcoming aroma of bacon and eggs. The bacon and eggs sizzled on the frying pan, almost like skates on fresh ice.
“Mmm that smells good” Brock said, smiling at Dawn’s mom.
“Why thank you Brock!” The former Coordinator said, beaming at Brock, while pushing her blue hair out of her face.
“Ashhh waaaaake up!” Brandon lazily said, tugging at Ash’s shoulder.
“W-what?! What time is it?!” Ash stuttered, looking around scarily.
“Relaaaax it’s only eight-thirty.” Brandon said, winking at Ash.
Ash just sunk back into the bed.
“Alright then suit yourself, Dawn’s mom cooked bacon and eggs!” Brandon said, sticking his tongue out at the young Pokémon trainer.
Ash bolted out of bed faster than you could say “Weavile.”
After everyone had finished freshening up, and was seated at the table, breakfast was served. “Turagnk Ypou!” Ash said, with a mouthful of eggs. Everyone burst into laughter, Dawn’s mother fell off her chair! “Haha Ash, your exactly like I remember you.” May said, with a beaming smile.
Brock, being the eldest member of the group, knew what love was. He thought, Hmm, looks like May has a little crush on Ash.
Riolu, sensing what Brock was thinking quickly sent him a telepathic message, Brock, looks like you see it too. Relax it’s Riolu.
R-R-Riolu? H-How? W-what? Brock said, looking around crazily.
“Brock, something the matter?” May asked, interrupting her conversation with Ash.
“N-nothing...” Brock stammered, obviously not expecting that.
May has a crush on Ash. I can sense it. The little Aura Pokemon said, giving no clue about this conversation happening in their heads, and smiling on with Pikachu.
Well, I’m hoping Ash realizes it, but he’s probably to dense to figure it out. Brock thought, hoping Riolu could hear him.
Meanwhile, Ash and May were happily conversing.
“So May, how is Johto?” Ash asked, fixing his jet black hair.
“I see why you hyped it up so much Ash! It’s beautiful! Sadly, I only made Top 4 in the Grand Festival there.” May replied, fidgeting with her blue bandana Ash got her at
the Wallace Cup.
“I see your still wearing that bandana I got ya! And don’t worry May, that’s amazing!” Ash exclaimed, pointing at the Bandana, almost as blue as a Manaphy.
“You bet! It’s my absolute favourite! And thanks Ash!” May said, twirling her brunette hair.
“Awesome!” Ash shouted, pumping his fist in the air, ecstatic that the brunette coordinator liked his gift.
“So Ash, I heard you placed Top 4 in the Sinnoh League! That’s amazing!” May said, happy for the aspiring Trainer.
“Haha you bet! At first, I was kind of sad, but then I realized I lost to a great Trainer-he went on and won the whole thing! He helped to better me as a Trainer in my opinion, and is a great person!” Ash said, sitting back on the chair.
He’s so...deep..Who knew Ash was like that? He’s so c- May thought before she was abruptly snapped out of her daydream
“ASH WATCH OUT” Dawn cried, as Ash’s chair fell backwards.
“Oww..I’m..alright.” Ash said woozily, while shaking his head.
“Oh my gosh, Ash are you OK?” May exclaimed, while rushing over to help the fallen Trainer.
“Yeah May I’m fine!” Ash said, brushing himself off.
“You scared me there..” May said, sighing in relief.
“May, I only fell out of a chair, I’ve been hit by my Charizard’s Flamethrower attacks before!” Ash exclaimed, sticking his tongue out at the shaken up Coordinator.
I know how to show her I’m fine! Ash confidently thought, while growing a big smile on his face.
“Haha May! How about we have a Double Battle?” Ash implied, while winking at Pikachu.
“Um sure Ash, what are the teams?” May said, with a questioning look on her face.
“How about you and me May, against Brandon and Ash?” Dawn asked with a hopeful look on her face.
“OK let’s do this Dawn!” She said, giving her a high-five.
As Brock, Ash, Dawn, May and Dawn’s mom made their way to the backyard a few wild Budew ran away. The sun shone brightly, beating down on them. A flock of Starly flew overhead, cooing as they passed by. The morning dew was still fresh on the grass, falling off as they walked on the freshly mowed lawn. The Trainers had a determined look in their eyes, while the Coordinators looked confident, almost full of themselves.
“As former Gym Leader, I will act as referee.” Brock stated, looking on at the scene unfolding before him.
“Send out your Pokémon, and begin!”
“Go Infernape!” Ash yelled, throwing a Poke Ball into the air. As it opened, there was a flash of light, and his loyal fire-monkey Pokémon looked at the opposing team,
smirking at them.
“This would be a good time to practice. Eevee, battle on!” Brandon exclaimed, throwing a black looking Poke Ball with red and gold markings on into the air. As the bright light subsided, the cute, yet fierce battler popped out.
“Ee-Vee!” Eevee yelled out, her eyes glistening at a chance to battle.
“Looks like your up Blaziken!” May said, looking very confident, almost as if she was sure she’d beat Ash.
“Blaaaaaaze!” screamed Blaziken as he let out his battle cry.
“My turn! Let’s do this Piplup!” Dawn said in a confident tone, letting Piplup down from her head.
“Piiiip-LUUUP!” Piplup chirped, staring Eevee down, trying to intimidate her.
“Ladies first” Brandon calmly said.
“Blaziken, use Flamethrower on Eevee!” May yelled, pointing at Eevee.
“Piplup use Whirlpool on Infernape!” Dawn said.
“Hm. Eevee use Shadow Ball on the Whirlpool, and dodge the Flamethrower!” Brandon said, analyzing the battle.
“Infernape, use Dig!” Ash confidently shouted out.
The large fire type Pokemon took a deep breath, and let loose a massive Flamethrower, headed straight for Eevee! The small Pokemon however dodged the attack, and shot a Shadow Ball that cut through the massive Whirlpool. Infernape, dug down into the earth and was nowhere to be seen.
The concentrated, dark, shadowy ball of energy hurtled toward Piplup at an immense speed. “Piip...” Piplup took the attack directly, and fell to the ground.
“Come on Piplup, I know you can do it!” Dawn yelled over the heat of battle.
Piplup, hearing these words of encouragement, shook himself off and was raring to go.
“Infernape come up now!” Ash yelled, knowing exactly where the tank fire Pokémon was going to go up.
Infernape jumped out of the ground right under Blaziken, and scored a direct hit. The large fire-type Pokemon fell to the ground, clearly impacted by the super-effective attack.
“Oh yeah? Blaziken use Fire Spin!”
“Eevee intercept with Sand-Attack!” Brandon said, gritting his teeth , hoping the dirt could douse the flames.
Eevee threw dirt up with her paws, just as a swirling, fiery mass was headed towards Infernape. The Fire Spin was negated, just as Ash yelled out to Infernape
“Infernape, Flare Blitz on Piplup!”
“Wha-!” May said, her eyes wide open in shock at the sheer power of the new attack.
“Piiiip..” Piplup stuggled to get up, but the small, blue penguin Pokémon managed to stay in it.
“Nice job Ash, tell Infernape to use Flamethrower .” Brandon said, wanting to try something.
“Eevee use Shadow Ball!”
The relatively young Pokemon fired off the shadowy ball of darkness, and Infernape unleashed a devastating Flamethrower. The two attacks somehow mixed together, with the Shadow Ball circling around the Flamethrower. The attacks scored a direct hit.
“It looks like Piplup and Blaziken are unable to battle. Victory goes to Ash, and Brandon!” Brock yelled, his arm pointing in the two young trainers direction.
May and Dawn recalled their Pokemon, each disappearing in a ray of red light.
“Oh man, I thought we woulda had that” May said looking down and kicking the dirt.
“Hey May, you got so much better!” Ash exclaimed.
“Haha you too! By the way Ash, that was an awesome combination at the end there!”
“Don’t say that to me- that was all Brandon!” Ash said, smiling and pointing in the direction of the teen in the blue shirt and black shorts.
“Brandon that was an amazing combo!” May and Dawn both exclaimed, causing everyone to break into laughter.
“Haha thanks May, Dawn.” Brandon coolly said, pushing his glasses up.
That seemed like a move only a coordinator could have pulled off..But didn't Brandon just tell us about his gym battles? Brock thought to himself, scratching his head, as to where that combination could have came from.
As everyone filed into the house slowly, they were greeted by the familiar “ding” of the doorbell. Dawn said “Oh I got it!” as she ran to go get the door.
She gasped as she saw the familiar orange haired girl, and the dark-skinned boy she went to school with.
Haha I'll leave you guys with a cliffhanger! Who are the two new people? Stay tuned to find out!
Last edited by Wuster; 1st March 2011 at 12:21 AM.
1st March 2011, 2:53 AM
You improving in the describtion area quicker than i had expected. keep that up. also the lenght of you stories are getting there. you are starting too look like a promising writer.But you still have the promblem of describing the surroundings, in this chapter you starting which is good but you still need to give you readers a fair idea what area they are in and how it is affecting them.
This is a big improvement from the last two chapters but you can add more.
Originally Posted by Wuster
As the young blunette rushed up the stairs, her legs started to get tried quickly. she had just woken up and running straight in the morning wasn't something was use to. as she was running up the stairs her mind began to ponder what could of caused a strange sudden outburst. As soon she reached the top everyone went slient and soon after Brandon broke it slience surrounding in the room.
but you getting better rather quickly, keep it up.
And another thing.
Night-YAWN? we can improve that.
Originally Posted by Wuster
"Night..." the young brunette yawned afterwards."...Dawn." She added a soft warm smile to her close friend.
Doesn't that sound much better now?
Don't write slang in your writing. it ruins that whole thing and remember to only write words in Caps when ther are yelling with instense anger, to add extra depth into the sentence.
Originally Posted by Wuster
"Not a problem. Let's get some sleep now, okay?"
Change OK into okay, the way its normally written.
Very nice chapter and im looking forward to the next and thanks for the review on my fic, it helps. thanks. =)
1st March 2011, 4:12 AM
wow, i should start posting quicker and quit letting midnight upstage me. jk.
as for the descripton, its great. and im glad that ou finnaly put a face to a name with brandon, i was having trouble trying to picture him in my mind.
Cant wait for chapter 4.
its getting good!
1st March 2011, 5:37 AM
Thanks guys, your advice has really been helping me! As for my mistakes midnight, thanks for pointing those out, I'll keep those in mind for chapter 4. As for next chapter...well I'm currently in a battle with the flu, so I have no idea when I'll be up to writing the next one. Expect an update within this week/mid-next week.
Last edited by Wuster; 1st March 2011 at 8:21 PM.
1st March 2011, 8:48 PM
awww, man that stinks, hope you start feeling better, because i cant wait for the next capter.
1st March 2011, 11:33 PM
Well, I started the chapter, but I really don't feel that great. For some reason I think this new chapter is my worst one yet. Then again I have been pretty negative over the past few days..Must me grouchy from the bug :P
2nd March 2011, 2:39 AM
Hey there. Just breezing in to remind you to edit your first post with a rating for this fic.
2nd March 2011, 4:14 AM
Whoops, sorry must've slipped my mind! All fixed up now!
8th March 2011, 2:57 AM
Sorry for the shortness..Honestly, this isn't one of my greatest chapters.. it's just I'm encountering writers block, even though I'm full of ideas, I can't seem to get them to flow.. anyways enjoy if you can :P
Dawn just stood in front of door, mouth agape.
“Hey Dawny!” The orange-haired girl said with a wide smile on her face, beaming at the blunette.
“Yo Dee-Dee, sup?” The dark skinned male said, fiddling with his belt.
“Oh my gosh! Zoey, Torez! What a nice suprise!” Dawn said, a grin slowly forming on her face, overjoyed her two old friends were here.
“Wait a sec, Barry was also here...where did that guy run off to now?” Zoey said, with a questioning look on her face.
“I’ll go check iight?” Torez said, looking around feverishly for the blonde Pokémon Trainer.
“Alright, I’ll catch up with Dawn!” The orange-haired coordinator said, giving Dawn a thumbs up while putting her dark, circular sunglasses into her fiery hair.
The young blunette led Zoey into the kitchen, where Brock and Brandon were doing the dishes. The sound of running water filled the room, as Dawn introduced Zoey to Brandon.
After all the introductions were made, Dawn led Zoey up into her room. Piplup was sleeping, obviously tired out from the battle in the morning. Dawn, careful not to wake the small, blue penguin Pokémon motioned for Zoey to take a seat on a chair next to Dawn’s desk. Zoey looked around, and eventually caught sight of Dawn’s five ribbons from the Sinnoh Contests in a glass case, staring at them. A smile slowly crept up on her face.
“You know, I never realized how beautiful these ribbons actually are.” Zoey said, closing her eyes and letting out a sigh.
“It’s just, I never took the time to really look at them. To be honest the only thing I really looked at was pictures of the Grand Festival Cup.” Zoey added, brushing orange hair out of her face, while awaiting a response from Dawn.
“I hear you. But one thing I’ve learned, travelling with Ash is that it isn’t about winning- it’s about you and your Pokémon having a good time together.” Dawn said slouching on her bed, slowly stroking Piplup’s head.
As Dawn walked over to her window, she thought clutching her heart, I really don’t want to have to split up with Ash, Brock, May and Brandon..But I also want to do contests in Hoenn..
“Hey Dawny, why so down?” Zoey said, walking over to Dawn, with a large hint of concern in her voice.
It was too much for Dawn. As tears started to roll down her cheeks, the small blue Pokémon on her bed awoke.
“Piiiiiiiiiiiiiip..” Piplup said, stretching his back out.
Zoey took Dawn in her arms. “It’s okay Dawn, let it out..”
“I-it’s just..I don’t want to leave them..” the young blunette said, taking off her white Pokémon hat.
“I know Dawn, you know what though? Me and Torez just came back from a vacation. It was in the beautiful, faraway region called Unova. There are contests and a Pokémon League there! You can all go, together!” Zoey exclaimed, trying to cheer Dawn up.
“R-really? Well I guess we better tell all of them about it!” The blunette said, looking extremely happy.
“Brandon come back!” Brock said, raising an eyebrow while looking out the door.
“But Ash isn’t back yet! I’ll be really quick, I promise!” Brandon replied, taking a Poke Ball out from his belt.
“Okay, be careful!” Brock said, sighing in defeat, as he headed back towards the kitchen.
A young girl with red clothing, short, black shorts and a blue bandana was sleeping on the couch, with a Glaceon on top of her. As she slowly stirred, she looked around, wide awake now that she realized a certain young man was missing.
“Brock, where’s Ash?!” She exclaimed, slowly getting up and causing the deep blue ice Pokémon to awake.
Brock, being the unofficial big brother to everyone said with a smile, “Don’t worry,
Brandon went to go look for him. He’s probably training or something. Want some ramen?”
At the sound of her favourite dish of noodles, May calmed down, and allowed Brock to take her into the kitchen.
“Flygon, keep your eyes open for Ash okay?”
“Fly!” The majestic dragon-ground type responded, scanning the ground with his large eyes that were covered in a red film.
Eventually they found him, walking towards the local mall. It was Twinleaf’s only mall, but was elegant. It was completely surrounded by glass, and had eerily life-like statues of Charizard’s at the entrance.
Flygon landed and Brandon gave the dragon-type high praise, “Great job buddy, take a nice long rest.” He said, holding the red and white Poke Ball in his hand. As Flygon disappeared in the red ray of light, Brandon said, “Riolu, you hate flying don’t you?”
Yes Brandon, I do. No matter now though, we should go see what Ash is up to. The Aura Pokémon said, while pointing ahead.
“I guess your right, keep an eye on him Riolu.” Brandon said, running into the crowd.
The two eventually caught up to Ash and he said with a surprised look on his face, “Hey guys, what are you doing here?”
“Looking for YOU! It’s almost lu-“ Brandon started, as he was interrupted by Riolu.
Relax, he’s here for something special. The fighting-type said, staring Ash straight in the eye, and then looking back at Brandon.
“Actually I need your help to find May a present..She seemed really down that she didn’t win the Grand Festival.” Ash said, with a soft look in his eye.
“Uhh..sorry Ash..I didn’t mean to blow up at you..let’s go get May something then.” Brandon said, still in shock at Riolu’s prediction.
That was a cov- Riolu started, but was cut off by a thought from Brandon.
Yes, Riolu I KNOW! I’m not that dense bud! Brandon thought, winking at Riolu.
The two trainers, Pikachu and Riolu went around the entire mall, not seeing anything that caught Ash’s eye. Brandon meanwhile, took the opportunity to stock up for the impending journey ahead.
“Hey Ash, look what I got us! I managed to get five, but that’s all he had left..” Brandon said, handing Ash a Poke Ball with a black top and a yellow semicircle in the top part.
Ash’s eyes widened as he took the mystery ball from the trainer. “I-isn’t this an Ultra Ball?!” He said, turning to Brandon.
“Mhm! They were on sale! I figured I’d get one for you, me, Brock, Dawn and May.” Brandon said, pushing his glasses up.
“Thanks Brandon!” Ash said, high-fiving the trainer.
The two continued their search for something for May, when all of a sudden Pikachu and Riolu jumped off their trainer’s shoulders and ran towards a new clothing store.
“I guess we should follow ‘em huh?” Brandon said to Ash, nodding his head towards the Pokémon.
“Yep, who knows, it must be something good to make them run away!” Ash exclaimed, his eyes brightening in anticipation as to what the Pokémon were trying to show him.
As the two young Pokemon Trainers started to run towards the electric-mouse and the small Aura Pokemon, they stopped, and stared with their mouths open at the sight before them.
On a manikin in a elegant glass case, was the supposed “latest fashion design”. A red, sleevless top, with a bag similar to May’s, but green around the waist, May’s same tight, black shorts, a green bandana with a white Poke ball design on the top of it adorned the head of the manikin. Red and black shoes, with white soles topped it off.
“A-Ash..Look at the price...” Brandon said, pointing a shaky hand at a orange price tag hanging from the bag.
Ash, still awestruck by the outfit, slowly scooted over to where Brandon was pointing.
“WOAH 128 Poke Dollars?! Uhh, I only have 56..” Ash said, obviously crushed, looking down at his feet.
“Don’t worry Ash, I have 500 poke dollars right here. We can get the outfit, and still have enough for some Potions, Poke Balls, food, and a little something extra I have planned.” Brandon said, grinning mischievously at Ash.
The young trainer, wearing a blue shirt, jeans and glasses handed over enough of his money to Ash, as Riolu hopped on to Brandon’s shoulder.
Pikachu looked longingly at the currently vacant spot on Brandon’s shoulder.
“Want to go with Brandon, and buy supplies Pikachu?” Ash asked, grinning at his best friend.
“Pi-pika-pi!” Exclaimed Pikachu, hopping excitedly off Ash's shoulder.
“Okay Ash, we’ll see you later! If you’re looking for us, we’ll be in the Poke Mart.” Brandon said, bending down to let Pikachu onto his other shoulder.
“Awesome!” Ash said excitedly, pumping his fingerless gloved fist into the air.
Brandon headed into the nearby Poke Mart, while Ash headed into the clothing store.
“Excuse me sir, I would like to purchase the clothing combination in the display case.” Ash told the clerk, politely.
The young man, dressed handsomely in a black tuxedo, with a white handkerchief tucked neatly into the breast-pocket replied “Right away, excuse me for a second while I remove it.”
The clerk went to work, expertly detaching the different parts of the outfit.
As soon as he was done, he said to Ash “That will be 128 Poke Dollars. Would you like it bagged, or boxed?”
“Boxed please, and here.” Ash said, handing over the gold-coated, oval shaped coins.
“Thank you, and have a great day!” The clerk said brightly.
“Thanks, you too!” Ash said, smiling at the young man.
Meanwhile, Brandon was done buying Potions, Poke Balls, Antidotes, Paralyz Heals, and Full Restores, something caught his eye. It was on sale, and the title read “Brand New Poke Seals, On Sale! 2 Poke Dollars EA.”
“Poke Ball seals? Hmm... Hey look, Pikachu you think these are what Dawn uses in her contests?” Brandon said, curious as to what the foreign object were.
“Pi-Pika-Pi” Pikachu said, nodding his head.
“Okay thanks Pikachu.” Brandon said, rubbing behind the electric mouse’s ears.
“Chuuuu!” Pikachu cooed, enjoying Brandon’s soft touch.
Brandon, with the help of Pikachu, and Riolu, picked out 5 seals- one each for him, Brock, Ash, May and Dawn.
“Okay guys, good job. Now let’s go find Ash!” Brandon said, smiling at the two Pokemon, who smiled back in return.
Ash and Brandon eventually ran into each other, and Brandon said “Hey Ash, we’re all stocked up now. How’d the outfit thing go?”
“I got him to box the whole thing, now I need to wrap it.” Ash said, as he looked around for a wrapping booth.
“Haha Ash, no need to wrap it- look there isn’t any hint of it even being an outfit!” Brandon said, laughing at Ash’s lack of common sense, and pointing at the plain, white box.
“Oh..right. Well let’s head back!” Ash said, smiling at Brandon.
Pikachu jumped off Brandon’s shoulder to Ash’s and as the two trainers stepped outside, Brandon said, “Flygon, let’s head back to Dawn’s house!” as he threw a Poke Ball into the air, and in a bright white flash of light, the large, light green, insect-like dragon Pokémon popped out.
“Fly-Fly-GON!” The dual Ground-Dragon type Pokemon said, allowing the trainers to mount his back.
As they flew into the sky, they were joined by flocks of Starly and Staravia. The glare of the sun was immense, as it was mid-day. After about 15 minutes of flying, They landed, right in front of Dawn’s humble home.
Ash and Brandon’s stomachs let out a growl, louder than an Exploud.
“Haha I guess we’re both starving, eh Ash?” Brandon said, smiling as he let out a groan
“You bet! I hope Brock finished lunch.” Ash said, rubbing his stomach.
As the two opened the white, oak doors, they were greeted by the heavenly aroma of ramen, basil rice, deep fried pork chops and Brock’s famous beef stew.
“Mmm, hey everyone!” Brandon said enthusiastically, waving to everyone.
Brandon and Ash were greeted by Brock, “Hey guys, just in time! EVERYONE LUNCH IS READY!” he yelled.
Dawn and Zoey came running downstairs at the mention of food.
“Mmm smells good Brock!” Dawn said, her head held high, sniffing the delightful smell.
As the 4 sat down, the door burst open. A midsized, dark skinned male, with a buzz cut walked in, along with a blonde haired trainer, who was wearing a orange and white striped shirt.
“Barry! Dawn yelled as she rushed over to greet her long-time friend.
After everyone got caught up, they enjoyed a delicious meal consisting of
the delectable noodles May absolutely loved, rice which had a nice hint of seasoning, golden brown hunks of pork chop which Torez gorged on, and the nice, thick, flavourful stew which Brandon and Ash downed bowl after bowl, all courtesy of the former Pewter gym leader.
“So Ash, you really worried me when you disappeared like that..” May said, slightly blushing.
Ash, seeing the concern on May’s face said, “I’m sorry May, I didn’t mean to worry you!” as he got up to get the box containing May’s surprise
“Brock, May, Dawn let’s head to your room Dawn, me and Ash bought some stuff we have to split.” Brandon said, rummaging through his over-stuffed, black backpack.
“Okay!” They all yelled, excited, thinking about what sort of things the two boys picked out.
And that is where I end this chapter..Stay tuned..
8th March 2011, 9:20 AM
Alright. i must say your getting better. you are putting in more effort in the describeing the charathers surroundings. i COULD write an example how to improve but i feel like im repeating myself but i'll do it anyway. im in the mood to help. instead of using an example from yours i will use mine.
because im too lazy to search a new fic right now. lol =P I'm not showing off, i just want to help. =)
Nightfall had already caught us when we arrived to the Sinnoh League. We were staying at the Sinnoh League apartments where only the Elite four and Champions from any region can stay, also their family can stay here as well. I was gazing out my window again and sitting on the bed with a pillow on my lap, watching the rain drops collided into the glass wall, siding downwards and leaving their water path trickling behind them. I looked at the small desk alarm clock beside me and saw it was already ten thirty, the time I would normally head into bed. I was sitting on the bed located in the middle of the room. The walls were creamy and near the edges, lines of chocolate brown wood were painted. Two dark brown side tables were beside the huge queen sized bed and the lights were placed firmly on the wall. In front of the bed was a standard clothes closet and near the door was a dressing table, with mine, Maykel’s and father’s objects such as credit cards and his poke balls.
As you can see i put what the room looks like and how it relates to the chararther, Ashlyn. its past midnight, raining heavy and she watches her dad from the bedroom window walking into the apartment, all depressed.
read "A Strangers Mystery" to fully undertand why Now of course, i don't expect for you to write something like this right now. im jsut saying you can expan on the way you write certain things.
To do this think of an object. lets say a photo with a happy family, now lets think of a scene. lets go with a cold winter blizzard night and a girl is sitting in front of a fireplace and now think of the mood. im going with depressed. Now lets try to put them together.
On a dead winter night, a blizzard was roaring otuside my house. screaming in a high pitch is send chills up my spines. my auburn eyes were fixed on my family photo, well what was my family. i gazed upon our smiles and how close we were once. the cracks of the fireplace grabbed my attention. i looked as the flames dances wilding as the wood began to dissnigrate in front of my very own eyes. but of course, i was use to see something close to me crushed in front of my eyes. i looked at the photo once more and tried to remember everything was on it and remember how much i hated it. i flicked the photo onto the wild flames and watched as the smiles on their faces melt away into the ashes.
I started with only three themes and made them into a emotional parargarph. it already tells us that this girls hates her family and for what reason, well even i don't know. now i didn't bother writing the area like what colour the charis are of what colour ribbon the curtains are begin held by, by writing about one particular object and saying how big of a part it plays in that scene is good enough. When writing NEVER forget to add emotion into your piece. it sets the mood and gives us a fair idea how the charather feels. As writers we want the readers to see and imagine what in our minds, we want them to understand what we feel towards that scene, we want them to understand what we understand in that particular paragraph. youhave to think about these things to truly get well known like PikamasterADV or LuciferXI.
But your getting better in each chapter and im really looking forward to the next chapter. ALSO before i finish how you made the ribbons important to Dawn, even the paragraph was short i had a fair idea and image in my mind about what the ribbons look like. keep it up.
Wait, I'm upstaging scarecrow62? its nice to have some competiotion from time to time. lol. jks.
Last edited by Midnightmoon6o2; 8th March 2011 at 9:29 AM.
8th March 2011, 8:53 PM
Thanks for the review! Yeah I really have to admit, this wasn't a very good chapter..I actually began writing chapter 5 BEFORE your review, and it is so much better (Description-wise).