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Thread: Ghosts (PG-PG13)

  1. #1
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    Default Ghosts (PG-PG13)

    Hello my fellow writers! I have decided to write a new pokemon fic up now to have something to do. Anyway, I do have school so don't expect chapters to come very often. Ignore the PG-PG13, as this is PG13, so please be warned of that as there is moderate language, violence, and crude and unusual humor.

    Anyway, this story is about a trainer who primarily uses ghosts and dark type pokemon. His two main ones is a Dakrai named Spectre and a Haunter named Phantom. Anyway, the prologue is below, it is relatively short to make way for chapter 1.

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    GastlyMan

    Prologue- Ghosts of our past

    "Come on, move along, before I make you move!"
    "Where are you taking me? What's going on?"
    "You have a special gift my dear child, we are here to take it to good use."
    Voices were heard whispering all around him, yellow eyes staring at him as if he were some foreign object to be taken in for dissection. It was cold and snow softly fell down under the night sky, he heard from behind him: "What's with this kid anyway? What does the big boss want with him?"
    "I don't know, all I know is that he has some kind of psychic link with ghost and dark pokemon, it's pretty weird if you ask me."
    "Hey, after this you wanna go out for a couple drinks?"
    "Beats trudging around in these tight jumpsuits all day, I think I'm starting to get a rash."

    He found himself in a lab, with strange machines sitting around him, generating some sort of field of psychic energy.
    "All right," came a voice from the window above, "just stand still project X, it will all be over soon."
    He started to hear a strange humming noise coming from the machines, then, a bright light nearly blinded him, scorching his eyes and turning them white.
    "What's going on?"
    "Crap, I don't know, the machine malfunctioned, and we got something strange on the radar!"
    He heard a crash, then darkness fell over the lab as he heard a deep voice say throughout everyone's minds: "Suffer!" Soon later, he awoke to find himself in a bed, and a Darkrai was sitting in the corner. The boy's haunter popped out of it's pokeball and the darkrai said: "Good, you're awake!"

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~
    End prologue
    Last edited by Lucario0708; 11th March 2011 at 10:39 PM.

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  2. #2
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    For starters, double space between your paragraphs. So this:

    "Come on, move along, before I make you move!"
    "Where are you taking me? What's going on?"
    "You have a special gift my dear child, we are here to take it to good use."
    Voices were heard whispering all around him, yellow eyes staring at him as if he were some foreign object to be taken in for dissection. It was cold and snow softly fell down under the night sky, he heard from behind him: "What's with this kid anyway? What does the big boss want with him?"
    looks like this:

    "Come on, move along, before I make you move!"

    "Where are you taking me? What's going on?"

    "You have a special gift my dear child, we are here to take it to good use."

    Voices were heard whispering all around him, yellow eyes staring at him as if he were some foreign object to be taken in for dissection. It was cold and snow softly fell down under the night sky, he heard from behind him: "What's with this kid anyway? What does the big boss want with him?"
    It's not a bad premise, but you need to slow it down. You can't rely solely on dialogue to tell your story. I can tell that you have the ability to describe from the few lines of it you do have. Try incorporating this more into your prologue. I think I know what you're trying to go for; you're trying to give us a mysterious setting because your main character doesn't know where he is or what he's doing here. But not describing at all isn't the way to go about it. Even when you're standing in a dark room, there's still something to describe, even if it's just blackness accompanied by sounds and smells. By not describing, the reader really has nothing to imagine in his head, just a disembodied head floating somewhere snowy with other things talking to him. Of course, you don't have to heavily describe the setting (the guy is being dragged somewhere fairly quickly, so it wouldn't seem right to stop and describe the setting in an insane amount of detail) but you should try to incorporate more of it into your story. It makes it more alive for your readers.

    He found himself in a lab, with strange machines sitting around him, generating some sort of field of psychic energy.
    Is that there is to the lab? There's a difference between the action moving so fast that your character doesn't have the time to look around and observe and not describing at all. If that's the case, you should indicate it as such.

    Ex) The creatures dragged him into a laboratory, the rubber soles of his shoes squeaking loudly against the polished tile. Everything was shiny, silver, and metallic, flashing brightly against his eyes, and before he could register what the weird, beeping machines were or interpret what the strange scribbles on the white boards attached to the walls meant, the beings forced a pair of dark goggles over his eyes.

    Description doesn't just mean physical attributes. You can show us how your main character is feeling. Is he panicked, for example? Confused? Scared? Is his heart beating fast? Are the eyes making his hair stand up on edge? And so on. Think of when you're confused or scared about something and try applying the same to your character.

    Overall, I like the idea but you should expand on it so we can get a better feel for the world you've created. Are you using a word processor like Microsoft Word or Openoffice to type this in by chance? If not, I suggest you do so you have the time to really work on your story.

  3. #3
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    @Breezy: thanks, i'll work on that, i'm not too good in the describing area, but i did in the prologue have it shown as a flashback, as in he didn't remember much but anyway, thanks.

    chapter 1 is now here

    Chapter 1-Unsettling News

    "What the hell is wrong with you?" he yelled as a weird blond-haired kid ran into him.

    "Why'd you run into me? I'm gonna have to fine you!" the kid exclaimed as he got back up after being pushed down.

    "I ran into you? What the hell is wrong with you? Are you stupid?"

    "My names Barry, what's yours?"

    "Get out of my face." With that he pushed the kid away and walked slowly to Sandgem town's pokemon center.

    The pokemon center from the outside was red and white, with a small sign on the side and a side garage with an ambulance for emergencies. As he strode inside he noticed the inside was much bigger than the outside. The inside had two levels seperated by stairs, with several reception counters and hallways to hospital beds. All around there were young children playing with their pokemon.

    "Can I help you?" asked Nurse Joy.

    "Ah, yes," he said, "I came over here from the Unova region, I was told to visit the center first than a professor Rowan."

    "Oh, then tell me your name for the database, so we can keep records on your pokemon, and hand me their balls."

    "My name is Xavier, but just enter X." Xavier said. Xavier was a thirteen year-old boy with long white hair, part of which was covering his right eye. He wore a tattered and weathered bright red scarf around his neck, and a dark gray slightly-torn trenchcoat. On his hands were what appeaed to be black gloves, that gave the tips of his fingers points like claws, and he wore black boots on his feet. Underneath the trenchcoat was a black tee-shirt and black denim jeans. His face was most of the time expressionless, with large white eyes that seemed to gave into your very soul, and pale skin.

    "Ok, X it is then." said Nurse Joy. "And the balls?"

    X handed her the pokeballs, which were only 3 so far. The nurse took the balls and put them in a tray-like scanner, which scanned them and then she handed them back.

    "So from the scans, two of your pokemon are outside the balls, and one is a Darkrai."

    "Yeah, so what?" X said in a harsh tone.

    "I-it's just uncommon." The Nurse said uneasily, surprised by his tone of voice. Then Joy seemed to notice the nearby sleeping pokemon rolling about uneasily, as if having a nightmare.

    X, seeming to notice what she was thinking said "Yes my Darkrai and Haunter are out, and yes Spectre is causing the nightmares, it's just a natural self defense. Come on out guys!"

    With that, X's shadow seemed to move and ungulate, as if someone was quickly shining a flashlight over it, then, the shadow became three-dimensional, and took the shape of a Darkrai. Joy also noticed that the gloves X was wearing were gone, and that she was afraid to turn around.

    "Surprise, surprise, heh, heh, slurp." With that Phantom licked nurse Joy's hair and caused her to nearly have a heart attack.

    "What the hell was that for you bastard!" Nurse Joy exclaimed as she was patting down her hair.

    Meanwhile, X was on the floor, laughing so hard he was almost choking. After about five minutes he stood back up and threw the third pokeball. Out of the third pokeball came a fox-like creature, that quickly changed shape to look exactly like Nurse Joy, except with a mischievous smile and a small puffy tail.

    "W-what?" Nurse Joy struggled to say as the dopple-Joy morphed back into a Zoroark.

    "And this is Okami, he is also a trickster, as you have seen."

    From what happened then was a blur, all X could remember was six slaps to the face and a chansey punch to the stomach, as he was kicked out of that pokemon center.

    Later, X walked through town and found the Lab where Professor Rowan works, so, going by orders, he went in.

    The Lab had many small lights, switches, buttons, tables, and machines. Looking at all this X just stared dumbly, as his out-of-ball partners Spectre and Phantom appeared out of his midst to see what was wrong.

    Suddenly, remembering a vague memory of a fateful night past, he heard a voice. "I will come again, and the earth shall tremble and the mountains shall rend to my power, I am the ultimate creation of darkness, I am Gen...."

    The voice became silent, and X came back to his senses. He strode casually to an older man, with white hair and a beard, wearing lab-coat.

    "Are you professor Rowan?"

    "Hm? Oh yes, you must be Savior."

    "No, it's Xavier."

    "No, I'm pretty sure you said Savior, but I'm getting too old to care anyway."

    "Just call me X, Profess-" X had almost finished talking when Rowan interrupted him.

    "Yes, anyway, from what I heard you don't need a starter, and you are one of the best, There is someone I would like you to battle." Rowan stepped aside to reveal a boy. The boy was about 13, had crimson hair reminiscent of the color of blood. He wore a red leather jacket, with a gold T-Shirt underneath, and blue jeans, with a pair of converse red shoes and fingerless gloves.

    "X, I would like you to meet Thomas." Rowan said.

    "Ha, is this it then? This guy looks more like president of the emo club than one of the greatest trainers in the world, I'll just whoop his arse in no time." Thomas said.

    At this, X got angry, and challenged him.

    "Wanna come play huh, well my firey spirit will drown you in a sea of lava!"

    Minutes later, they were outside on a small battling court.

    "Let's go!" X said. "It will be a three on three triple battle, no restrictions!"

    "Okay then. Go! Draco, Hotwings, and Spike!" With this he sent out his Charizard, Blaziken, and Typhlosion respectively."

    "Go! Spectre, Phantom, and Okam-!" X had almost sent them out when Rowan came rushing out holding a wireless TV.

    "Quick, look!" Rowan said, pointing at the TV.

    On the TV was a Newswoman, talking about some accident. "Tragedy in Veilstone! The shopping center has just exploded along with the once ruthless Team Galactic's old HQ, witnesses say two men in strange suits came to the HQ, then walked out holding several boxes of cargo, just after robbing the shopping center of every single dusk stone. Security camera footage shows the perpetrators."

    When the footage was shown, X froze, there are the screen were to oh so familiar faces. Two men were dressed in black and grey suits with translucent Full face visor-helmets, from inside the helmets, glowing yellow eyes could be seen, pairs of so so dangerously familiar eyes. The footage filled him with rage and confusion, he had just found the killers of his family.


    ~~~~~~~~~~
    End Chapter 1

    He's here on our backs
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  4. #4
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    For those of you reading my fic, chapter 2 will be up Sunday, March 6 after I pick up my copy of Black and White

    EDIT: I am now also doing a pm list, which is in the 1st post, just say that you want to be on the pm list and i'll put you on!
    Those on the pm list will get pms from me every time I update or make a new chapter
    Last edited by Lucario0708; 4th March 2011 at 10:00 PM.

    He's here on our backs
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    and in our hearts!
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  5. #5
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    ^^Add me to the pm list please.
    The boy was about 13, had crimson hair reminiscent of the color of blood.
    You need a semicolon or conjunction (such as "and") after that comma. Otherwise, separate it into two sentences.
    When the footage was shown, X froze, there are the screen were to oh so familiar faces.
    "To" should be "two," and I think "on" should replace "are."

    Overall - I liked this. First off, his nickname being X automatically makes him awesome, as does his cool choice of Pokemon for his team. Excited for future chapters.
    I'm back for good!

    Greetings from the asylum of my insanity.
    Chapter 3 and cooler banner coming eventually. :P I am still working on it despite a very long lack of updates!

    Dex: 128 created! ~ DA and LJ links coming later.

  6. #6
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    Hello. I shall not review your prologue, as the legendary Breezy has done well enough on it already, but I shall cut straight to chapter 1.

    As far as I could see, ithere was no grammer problems. I liked the characterisation of X (I agree with Gastlyman, an awesome name.) However, to me, it still seemed rushed in places, like tha battle and the start. It could of been drawn out a lot more. I am intrested in what it will turn out to be like in the end. Also, it points it just seemed like you just wanted people to randomly swear at eachother. Like the nurse joy bit, I don't think nurse Joy would swear.

    But anyway, it is intreging, I shall await the next chapter.
    A group of 10 special trainers have been essembled by Professor Birch in a unexplored land. Their mission - to find some special stones to stop Team Magma and Team Aqua from getting them so that the professors can start their indistrialisation of the place. Follow their adventures in "Regional Conflict - The Five Sacred Stones. Please read, and review :)Here is the link. http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?t=482753 Last chapter - Chapter 10: The Tides of Terror

    Please read my other fic, a Unova journey fic - Unova apprentices. - http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?t=498160

    VM me if you want me to review your fic.

    White is nearly done, and nearly all my generation 4 pokemon are on there.

  7. #7
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    @Gastlyman: thanks for the heads up, didn't even notice those typos, added your name to the list

    @Ninjascepsneasel: The reason the battle was cut short is rowan interrupted it, but don't worry, chapter 2 is here with the battle. Also, ya i tohught nurse joy bit was gonna be funny so I added it, random swearing = hilarity

    anywho, chapter 2

    Chapter 2-Ultimate Battle of Ultimate Destiny

    "What's wrong?" Rowan asked, puzzled by the look of dread on X's face.

    "Th-those people, murdered my parents!"

    "Whosawhat?" Rowan said, shocked at the thought.

    "I remember it as clear as it were yesterday" X said. "I was 8 years old, it was my birthday. I had caught my first pokemon, Phantom. I always had this ability to speak to ghost and dark type pokemon, as if they were close friends even if I never knew them. Then they came. Like a hurricane on the coast they came and kidnapped me, my father tried to take me back but they shot him, and my mom. They performed tests on me, but I was saved by Spectre, my Darkrai. Anyway, I don't like to talk about it."

    "Well? Are you just gonna stand there and be a pussy all day or do I have to make you fight me?" Thomas said in a sarcastic voice.

    "If you wish to fight me, then so be it, you will find yourself in a world of darkness that you can't escape from." X said with a calm but angry tone in his voice. With that X sent out his three pokemon, and Thomas sent out his.

    They took their positions on the field, and X made the first move. "Phantom, use Aura Sphere, Spectre, use Dark Void, Okami, use Night Daze!" X exclaimed as his pokemon, sensing what we was about to say before he finished talking, executed the movements perfectly.

    The Aura sphere hit Thomas' Typhlosion straight in the jaw, knocking it out. The Dark void hit both Thomas' Charizard and Blaziken, sending them to sleep as Okami's Night Daze knocked out Blaziken in one hit.

    "Ha! Suck on that, Draco is still standing! Er, sleeping." Thomas yelled in a proud tone."

    "Spectre, use Dream Eater, then follow it up with dark pulse, then let Phantom land a Close Combat!" X said, ignoring Thomas' remark.

    With that, Spectre swooped in and phased through Charizard, who in turn gave a look of pain. Spectre then turned and launched a menacing aura at the charizard, causing it to fly right into the fists of Phantom, who proceeded to mercilessly beat the thing to death.

    "Charizard is unable to battle, the winner is, X!" Rowan exclaimed.

    Phantom and Spectre returned to their places in X's cloak and Okami returned to it's cramped pokeball. "I didn't break a sweat and neither did my team. Seriously, where did you learn to battle, cooking school?"

    "*******." Thomas said as he walked up to X.

    "I'm going to train, and beat your sorry *** down to the ground like the piece of crap you are!" Thomas said in a rather profane way. Thomas then marched off, muttering curses under his breath.

    X started to walk off out of the city, as Rowan caught up to him.

    "Where are you going?" Rowan asked.

    "I'm going to Veilstone, to see what I can pick up on these bastards, until we meet again, goodbye." With that, X threw down a pokeball which released a large Honchkrow. He climbed on it's back and flew off towards Veilstone city.

    Meanwhile, At team Shadow's HQ

    "Sir, we got the raw materials you needed for the experiment."

    "Excellent, blowing up that shopping mall to cover our tracks was the perfect thing to strike fear into the hearts of everyone here." he walked over towards a large tube within which floated a large mutilated pokemon of some sort.

    "Soon, Generang will be re-awakened, and I will rule over this entire filthy world, using the power of the vast amount of metals and dusk stone we acquired, as well as the Adamant, Lustrous, and Griseous orbs we stole, we will create the ultimate being of Dakrness, and machine!" As he laughed he stepped into the light, revealing himself to have white hair, and wearing a black suit and tie.

    "Zero." A voice said.

    "What is it? Can't you see I'm laughing maniacally?" Zero said in an angry tone that made him sound slightly insane.

    "Well, one of our recon units spotted the Shadow-Speaker battling some kid with red hair in Sandgem town."

    "Well, well, well, looks like we will have our power source soon enough then, shall we Ghetsis?"

    "Yes, the failure of my son N in Unova brought me new strength, now we will see to it to control this boy, but how do we do that?" Ghetsis said.

    "Simple," said Zero, "to control someone you must first strike their heart, then their mind, follow this boy, see to it his every action is reported back to me."

    End of Chapter 2

    Coming soon: Chapter 3-The Three Swordsman, and Side-Story 1- Phantom's Backstory

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    It was a little short this time I know, but chapter 3 and the side story will be much longer and better.

    He's here on our backs
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  8. #8
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    all right, chapter 3 will be up in a few days but until then

    Side Story 1 - Phantom


    "Matt! It's time for dinner, come in you can train later!" Matt's mom yelled outside, as he and his Lucario came running in.

    Matt was about 13, wore a blue t-shirt and jeans, and was a typical pokemon trainer. His Lucario was a champion fighter, with massive power, speed, and agility.

    Suddenly, the doorbell rang.

    "Who is it?" Matt's mom said.

    There was no answer. So she walked up and opened the door to find a drunken man standing there with a molotov cocktail in his hand.

    "G-gimme all your, m-money, hrrrrr." The man was clearly under the influence, but had a tattoo on his arm that resembled a Scrafty. Suddenly, Lucario knew where he had seen that tattoo before. On the news was talk of a gang roaming the streets with those same tattoos, they were extremely violent, and frequently got drunk and killed innocent people.

    "No!" Lucario yelled, but it was too late, he heard a "BANG" and saw Matt's mother fall dead, as the drunken man held a pistol in his direction.

    Sensing with aura, Lucario knew she was still alive, so he had to protect Matt and his mother and get them out of here. The man threw the cocktail that caught on fire, and soon the house was in flames. Lucario quickly shot an aura sphere at the man to stun him, then picked up Matt and his mother and ran outside, only to find three more men pointing guns in his direction. Lucario quickly dodged the bullets and started running, he saw a police car pull up and ran to put his family inside, but as he turned around to engage the criminals, he heard a bang.

    His head was throbbing, his chest was in deep pain, he had been shot. In a rage he let loose a fury of punches while being continuously shot at, as he yelled to the policeman "Go! I'll hold them off, get them to a hospital!" But as he fought he felt more pain, until the last man standing was the one who stood at the door. Lucario then let loose one last powerful blast of aura, before he got shot one last time, and fell to the ground. He died a hero, and as it turns out the man in the doorway was the leader of the gang, and because of the powerful blast of aura, he died and the gang disbanded. Due to massive amounts of aura inside him, Lucario's spirit lingered on, and became a haunter, who was soon found by X as a little boy, and they quickly became friends.

    ~~~~~~~~~~End of Side Story 1

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  9. #9
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    Just a quick update, I'm kinda busy as of yet, so Chapter 3 will be delayed until sunday

    EDIT: Here is what X is supposed to look like, I saw it on a gijinka site before and was my original idea for the look of my character X in the story, Will edit 1st post with an edited banner

    http://i179.photobucket.com/albums/w...N/d3396163.jpg
    Last edited by Lucario0708; 17th March 2011 at 9:35 PM.

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  10. #10
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    Okay, I've been reading this for a while, and finally decided to review. Just as a forewarning, I am a fairly harsh reviewer. Don't take it as flaming or anything against your story, but I like to counter-balance all of the "I like this, keep it up!" reviews that I see. Everyone has room for improvement, and it always helps to know what it is. In short, please don't interpret this as "I hate this fic," as if I did I wouldn't take the time to type this out.

    1) X: His name automatically adds a level of epicness to the story. 'Nuff said. As a character, he is rather immature, but potentially serious. It's rather interesting, and he's not entirely flat like most stereotypical protagonists. That makes things interesting, and is probably one of the better things about the fic. While the whole "special powers and a legendary Pokemon" complex is rather off-putting, I think you handle it fairly well.

    2) Chapter Length: It should be two pages minimum. I have no idea if you're meeting that, but just make sure you are, as otherwise it just makes the chapter seem way to short.

    3) They killed my parents!: I'm sorry, but just having this automatically makes people think of the fic as a little cliche, when a trainer goes off to avenge his parents. Also, the entire: "they are the killers of my parents!" thing didn't help, as you just announced it abruptly with little explanation other than "they killed my parents!" which just makes things look more cliche. It's not a bad thing to have the vengance quest, but... don't overdo it.

    3) Villains: This is the single biggest problem of most first stories, so I'm not going to say very much, as your problem really isn't unique. Overall, your villain winds up talking and acting like James Bond villain ________, without very much unique personality. Villains have souls, personalities, and some justification for thier actions, oftentimes more than the protagonists they oppose. Don't interpret antagonist as evil, but by it's literal definition "one who opposes the protagonist," and you should be alright and avoid a major downfall of most first stories.

    4) Prologue: Enough has been said, but I still want to reinforce it: short, blurry scenes often don't come off as intended. They aren't mysterious, just short and blurry. The author might succeed in confusing everyone, but is that really worth doing...

    5) Backstory: That was... short. It kind of suffered from the same problem as the prologue; little detail, very fast pace, and little/no actual substance beyond "this happened, that happened, etc." It was an interesting idea, and it definately had potential, but it just needed to be expanded upon.

    Overall, X is a boss and the fic has problems where most first fics have problems. Just work on those, read the rules and Advice for Aspiring Authors, and continue to use your strengths (what I didn't comment on), and you should be alright.
    The Flash Drive of Champions: Backgrounds

    There are many reasons to journey in the Pokemon World. It turns out that banishment, Bond Villains, unbeatable rivals and being forced to attend one dance too many are among them.

    File 2.5 is up. Gela literally puts on a show for the world to see while elsewhen her world is shattered beyond repair.

  11. #11
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    Thanks, and Offense was not taken, I'm not a stereotypical writer who beats on people for saying bad stuff about his works, I just build on it
    that being said

    1) Thanks, I plan to reveal more of his backstory and Spectre's backstory as this fic goes on, I planned to make him be a serious trainer with a sense of humor, to add some life to the story other than "I'm so awesome I can rip your spine out with my mind" kinda thing

    2) Some chapters I make are a bit short to make way for the longer chapters, sometimes I try to leave off at a good stopping point to add suspense

    3) I won't overdo it, Like I said, I plan to give more backstory as to What's going on later

    3) I only foreshadowed the future of their intentions in chapter 2, later chapters will go more in-depth on their personalities and true intentions

    4 & 5) The prologue was meant o be short, and I know I kinda rushed that one. The side stories I plan on doing Are all going to be relatively short, as to help explain some things that aren't directly tied to the story

    Anyway, thanks for the constructive Criticism, I will build on my mistakes

    Also, Chapter 3 I will either do tonight or tomorrow depending on what I have going on

    He's here on our backs
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  12. #12
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    Default Chapter 3

    Hey, sorry for the delay, heres chapter 3


    Chapter 3- The Three Swordsman


    "Well guys, It looks like we're finally in Veilstone City." X said, as he landed his Honchkrow and retired it to a Pokeball.

    "Doesn't your cousin live here?" asked Spectre.

    "I believe so," X said. "she works at the cafe` over there, I'll see what she knows."

    X walked over to the large cafe` built into the side of the shopping mall, and entered to find the place slightly crowded. The inside of the cafe` was lighted, with several hickory wood tables scattered about with families sitting at them, as well as businessmen and women enjoying a cup of coffee before starting work.

    X sat down at the small stool next to the counter, as his cousin walked up, distracted by writing down an order, he said, "Hello Cindy, it's been a while hasn't it?"

    She looked up, she was an 18 year old girl, with long brown hair, wearing her worker's outfit of a white shirt and black pants, wearing a small white smock. "Well I'll be damned, it's cousin X!" she said in an excited voice. "I haven't seen you since before your parents-"

    X interrupted, "Listen, I need you to tell me anything you know about the recent incident."

    "Is this because of your parents, look, there's probably no chance in hell that those thugs who pulled this off are tied to your parents deaths!"

    "Even so, I need to find out for sure." X retorted, slightly annoyed.

    At that moment, a man wearing regular clothes walked up to Cindy, pulled out a gun, and yelled, "Gimme all your damn money, or I'll blow you all to hell!"

    At this point, X stood up and faced the criminal, saying, "I don't think you wanna do that."

    "Why not? You the fuzz or somethin'? I never seen a teenage cop before, so you best shut the hell up or I'll kill ya!" The man pointed his gun at X's face.

    "You asked for it." X said. With that, in a sudden flurry of movement, X kicked the gun out of the man's hand, punched him in the side of the head, and threw him down, knocked out.

    After that, everyone in the building froze, and looked straight at X, with faces of wonder, and amazement.


    A few hours later, the police arrived to take the criminal away, and commended X for his bravery.

    "Okay," Cindy said in a whisper, "since it seems you may be able to handle yourself, go seek out a man named Leo Storm, he'll answer all your questions."

    "How do you know this?" X said.

    "I dated some guys."

    "Hmph, figures." Phantom said in a sarcastic tone.

    So, X set out all day gathering information on this Leo Storm. So far, he gathered he will be attending a shipment that night, for some strange unknown reason. This Leo apparently appeared a few months ago, asking people questions and digging up info on some criminals.

    X then decided to go stake out the warehouse district of Veilstone, where this important shipment by boat was coming.

    When he go there, X took up a position on top of a few large shipping canisters, and took watch. A few hours later, a man and a small group of thugs had walked up after a boat pulled into the docks. X went in for a closer look.

    The men who walked up were all big, burly, somewhat dim in a sense that they seemed like regular thugs. But these men were led by two other men. One of these men was a rather tall, skinny man, dressed in a suit with a small hat on, while carrying a black cane. X thought he could see a glint of metal from within the man's jacket.

    The other man was about age 18, with blond hair and long bangs, with cobalt blue eyes, and somewhat pale skin. He was tall and skinny like the other, but seemingly built like an athlete. He wore a black flak jacket over a blue t-shirt, and darkwash jeans. This man is what X assumed to be Leo Storm, from the descriptions other eople had given him.

    Then, out of the boat came two men, they were dressed in black and gray jumpsuits with translucent Full face visor-helmets, from inside the helmets, glowing yellow eyes could be seen. They seemed to be wearing some kind of armor over the jumpsuits, with small lights shining from various parts of it. X recognized these men immediately, they looked like the same men who committed the crime in Veilstone. X listened intently.

    "So, do you have the packages?" Leo said.

    "Yes, all three of them are here." said the armored grunt.

    "Excellent." said the man in the black suit. "It seems our plan is coming to fruition.

    "Ya, ya, get to the point, we're wasting time here." Leo said.

    "Patience, boy, you will get your reward soon. Now, haul out the three!"

    Immediately, the armored grunts went inside with the stronger men and brought out three large steel boxes, with transparent glass on the front, letting you see inside.

    Inside each box, there was a light at the top, on the glass front of each box were many scratches and cracks, X could now see why. Contained in each box, from left to right, were: Cobalion, Terrakion, and Virizion.

    "The three swordsman!" X whispered, wondering what they would need with these legendary pokemon.

    The pokemon inside the boxes were continuously slashing the glass, trying to break free, but to no avail.

    "I've got to do something." X said. So, he jumped out into the open and ran in front of the boxes, releasing Spectre and Phantom as he did so.

    "Who are you?" the man in black said.

    "My name is X, and I'm your worst nightmare."

    "So nice of someone to finally show up." Leo said. "I was starting to worry I wouldn't be getting any backup."

    "Backup? what is the meaning of this Mr. Storm?" the man in black said angrily.

    "Well, it's simple Ghetsis." Leo said, taking out a badge from his pocket. "I'm Leo Storm of the international police, and your under arrest for conspiracy, and reckless endangerment."

    "And what makes you think I will come willingly?" Ghetsis said.

    "Oh, just this." With that, Leo sent out an Umbreon.

    "Oh, by the way, kid, I know you aren't international police, and I know who you are, but I think it's time we teach this idiots a lesson, shall we?" Leo said.

    "Right." X said.

    Suddenly, from the ship, a figure jumped up and landed in front of X. It was a Bisharp, with a few scratches on it's armor that probably came from battle.

    "I sense you can here me, human." the Bisharp said.

    "Yes, I can hear you." X said.

    "I am Arthur, the Guardian of the Three Swordsman, they sensed pureness in your heart, X, and have sent me to help you."

    "What?" X said, surprised. He looked over at the boxes where the pokemon were held, he thought he could see a glint come from Cobalion's eye as it looked at X.

    "Okay then, go! Pokeball!" X threw a pokeball, which quickly captured Arthur, then X sent him back out again.

    "Well then," Leo said. "Let's whoop their asses then shall we?"

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~End of Chapter 3

    Coming Next: Chapter 4- Leo shows his strength and Side Story 2- Ghetsis

    Credit for the conception and creation of the character Leo Storm, created for my fic goes to the forum member, Eon Master

    He's here on our backs
    [IMG]http://i54.*******.com/4htlog.png[/IMG]
    and in our hearts!
    Check out my Fan-Fic

        Spoiler:- image thanks:

  13. #13
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    just a quick update, chapter 4 comes tomorrow

    also got a title list for the chapters filled out


    after chapter 3 it goes

    4 Leo Shows his strength
    5 Fusion
    6 Cal and Sprice appear!
    7 Bonds
    8 N explains all
    9 Resurrection
    10 Believe in me
    11 Confrontation
    12 Departure
    END OF PART 1

    Side Stories are

    2 Ghetsis and N
    3 Leo
    4 Kate
    5 Spectre

    this fic will be divided into two, after the main story, I will create a new thread for the second half, which will have a new title, and has a time skip and i'm probably revealing too much right now aren't I

    He's here on our backs
    [IMG]http://i54.*******.com/4htlog.png[/IMG]
    and in our hearts!
    Check out my Fan-Fic

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  14. #14
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    Sorry for the delay, will update this post later today with sidestory 2 and the next chapter, I've been having achievement tests all week and it's taken me a while

    He's here on our backs
    [IMG]http://i54.*******.com/4htlog.png[/IMG]
    and in our hearts!
    Check out my Fan-Fic

        Spoiler:- image thanks:

  15. #15
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    Just about chapter three, when X was talking about his parents being killed;

    X justs speaks about his parents like it was no big deal. With touchy subjects like this, X maybe should speak about it very hesitantly and slowly, or it should be shown with a nice flashback. Or not so nice flashback, I mean...

    Just a tip
    The lost story...



    Chapter one is finally out!

  16. #16
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    Jul 2010
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    Sorry for the delay in reviewing! I have waaay too much going on right now.
    Phantom and Spectre returned to their places in X's cloak and Okami returned to it's cramped pokeball.
    *Its (no apostrophe)
    "No!" Lucario yelled, but it was too late, he heard a "BANG" and saw Matt's mother fall dead, as the drunken man held a pistol in his direction.

    Sensing with aura, Lucario knew she was still alive, so he had to protect Matt and his mother and get them out of here. The man threw the cocktail that caught on fire, and soon the house was in flames. Lucario quickly shot an aura sphere at the man to stun him, then picked up Matt and his mother and ran outside, only to find three more men pointing guns in his direction. Lucario quickly dodged the bullets and started running, he saw a police car pull up and ran to put his family inside, but as he turned around to engage the criminals, he heard a bang.
    The Lucario is an awesome character, especially with his ability to sense aura and his well-demonstrated heroic qualities. However, the emboldened phrases are contradictory. If she falls dead, she can't be alive!
    This man is what X assumed to be Leo Storm, from the descriptions other eople had given him.
    Was, not is (don't switch tenses). Also, typo: should be "people."

    Overall, though, it was a great read! Nice job!
    I'm back for good!

    Greetings from the asylum of my insanity.
    Chapter 3 and cooler banner coming eventually. :P I am still working on it despite a very long lack of updates!

    Dex: 128 created! ~ DA and LJ links coming later.

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