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Thread: Pokemon Epilogues: Season 1 - The Birth [Rated R]

  1. #1

    Default Pokemon Epilogues: Season 1 - The Birth [Rated R]

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    Well, this is my story, Pokemon Epilogues. I've got about ten seasons of this already mapped out, as well as two side arcs focusing on completely different characters who are important nonetheless. Since you haven't read the story yet, it's hardly relevant, but one is on Forrest Harrison, and the other on Samuel Oak. I suppose I don't really know what to say- the inspiration for this story was a theory a friend showed me about how the Pokemon anime was all a dream in a coma, and it piqued my interest. Made me wonder, what happened to everyone else? How long was he in this coma for? Since those questions are unanswered, I've begun answering them myself.

    If you recognize a character in this, which you most likely will, they may act a bit differently. For example, Bruno isn't some meathead bodybuilder, but a Buddhist who trained not just his body, but his mind. I felt a lot of the series characters were one dimensional or neglected, and so here I'm focusing on expanding on character development for pretty much everyone, as well as showing how the real world is to someone who has never seen it before. People die, people kill. People swear, and people fuck. These are facts. Not all of them are even sinful, just not appropriate for a ten-year old. Well, Ash isn't ten anymore, and the world looks different. I hope you enjoy my story; I put it up here on Serebii because I figure I'll receive some harsher critique than I've gotten before. And I want to go back through and make it longer, more detailed, deeper, better overall. Don't feel hesitant to not say anything- good or bad, I'd love to hear it all. And if you actually like my story, feel free to say so. I can always use an ego-boost. As I said, people kill, people die. This story is Rated R, and has been approved by Dragonfree. This first chapter, or episode, is only 3 1/2 pages long, but the next nine chapters are all longer. I don't believe I've forgotten anything, so read it, and enjoy.



    Episode 1: Comatose

    Ash was groggy eyed. Not only that, but the last thing he remembered was falling asleep in the backwoods of Hoenn, and yet he opened his eyes to artificial light, white walls, bedsheets. Immediately, he felt scared. He could think of no explanation for this, and his head was pulsing with a headache like he'd never experienced. In fact, he couldn't recall ever having a headache. At the moment, this wasn't his concern.

    Ash was short of breath, and he bolted into a sitting position. There were tubes all over him, and Ash saw that he was hooked up to machines- machines wildly beeping, conveying messages he didn’t understand, but one he understood clearly. Something was wrong. He felt tears coming to his eyes, and he wasn't sure why. He wasn't sure about anything. He tried to concentrate, but the noise was too painful. He couldn’t think, he could barely breathe, he couldn’t even yell.

    Within the minute, thankfully, someone came into the room. Someone that must know what was going on. Ash wanted to reach out to him, but suddenly, before the man had a chance to make eye contact, everything was going black again.

    ---

    Waking up the second time wasn't as frightening. He opened his eyes slowly and immediately noticed his headache was gone. The lights also seemed dimmer. Ash tried to open his mouth, but found it not just difficult, but impossible. His eyes were open, but he couldn't move. Doctors came into the room, but no nurses, for none looked like Nurse Joy. Ash felt embarrassed. They changed his catheter. They changed his clothes. They washed his naked body. They fed him through a tube. Ash didn't know what happened, but he knew it was bad. Ash had never prayed before, nor had it really crossed his mind. Prayers were for times of trouble, but now he found himself closing his eyes, begging for answers, begging for help.

    He opened them to see a familiar face entering the room. It was Professor Oak and he looked older. His hair had always been white, but he never noticed how much it had begun to recede. His hands looked frailer, and he sounded less confident when he spoke. It was hard to make out the conversation he had with the doctor in the room, but he seemed upset. His expressions were dramatic, and as his voice rose, full of anger and confusion, Ash managed to catch the tail-end of his sentence,

    “And how fucking long will he be like this?” Professor Oak made eye contact with Ash as he swore, and then his voice dropped again. Ash suddenly felt more scared than before. If Oak were at wit’s end, if he were so scared as to use such language, then what could possibly be happening to Ash? The conversation continued for a brief time before the doctor left the room. Oak pulled a chair over to Ash's bedside and leaned on his enclosed hands. Oak closed his eyes and shook his head, brushing away the hints of tears. Ash felt touched that Oak cared for him so much, and was so thankful that Oak was there for him. It also made him wonder where everyone else was. Misty and Brock were the first to come to mind, and then his mother. Why weren't any of them there to see him? He had been with May and Max last he knew- where were they now?

    Then, Oak spoke to him. “Can you hear me, Ash Ketchum?” Ash wanted to nod, but could not. He fluttered his eyes in earnest. “Blink once if you can.” Ash made sure to blink slowly and deliberately, so it wouldn't look like a coincidence. “Do you remember who you are?” Ash assumed to blink once again, and he did. “Do you know why you're in that bed?” This time Ash gave two deliberate blinks. If he could have swallowed, he would have out of nervousness. Instead, a tear ran down from his left eye and against the pillow. “What I'm going to say,” Oak began, “might seem impossible or horrible, but it's the truth. Please stay calm, Ash Ketchum.” Ash realized something was wrong. He blinked twice. He wasn't ready to hear it. Oak kept using his full name. It was making him nervous. They were past that in their friendship. “I'm really sorry, mister Ketchum,” Why was he saying that? He began to pray again in his head, trying to yell his prayers to drown out what Oak was saying. 'Please God, I beg of you, don't let this be real. Please let me walk again, please let me run. Please let me see my friends, and to smell the wind on a warm summer day. Please, God. Please tell me you hear me.'

    “You've been in a coma for twelve years, Ash.” Oak had raised his voice, because he had seen in the man's eyes that he wasn't ready to hear it. He had seen in his eyes that he didn't know a thing. Oak knew he couldn't let him block it out though. “For the past twelve years you haven't shown any signs of ever waking up. You've been living off of your mother's life insurance.”

    It was with that that Ash stopped crying. He didn't make any sounds while he cried because he couldn't. He couldn't shake his head or hiccup or sob. He simply let tears streak down his cheeks while he shut his eyes closed tight. But now he stopped. Did he say life insurance? Ash closed his eyes again, more calmly, and fell asleep.

    ---

    The next six months were merciless. Professor Oak seemed intent on getting Ash back on his feet, but for a long time Ash didn't want to himself. Every day Oak came in. Some days he brought books. Some books were fiction, while others were full of notes he'd taken himself about every Pokémon he'd ever studied. Ash felt déjŕ vu in that he already knew all of it. He felt he had already read the books, and learned all of the things Oak had, and more. It wasn't boring though. It was when Oak was gone that things were painful. All he did was brood and think. He was quickly learning to hate his own mind.

    It was the first day after those six months when things began to get easier. He had awoken from another dreamless slumber, and he yawned from his boredom. He didn't even catch it right away. He yawned. Focusing, he moved his jaw around. It hurt a lot, but he felt the progress. He felt his jaw creak and crack as it moved along a long-lost path. He tried to give a small shout, and it came out small and dry, and his throat almost seared with pain from it. He closed his mouth and counted the seconds go by until it had been ten minutes, and he tried to yell again. Just as successful, small the victory may be.

    Counting seconds became insufferable though, and he decided to sleep until Oak arrived, because Ash felt proud of his efforts. The sleeping helped, and when Oak walked into the room Ash gave a small yell, and even managed to smile at Oak when he jumped, dropping his stack of books, despite that the smile hurt enough to make him cry. Oak seemed content assuming they were tears of joy, and hugged the sickly man as if he were his son. And with that, Ash wondered where Gary could have been.

    It didn't take long from there, and in another four months Ash was not only talking, but sitting up, going to the bathroom on his own, eating, and most importantly he was laughing. Often times when Oak was there the conversations became more serious. Ash learned that his mother had passed four years back, from breast cancer. Her insurance had given her an ultimatum: to pay for Ash's bill, or hers. She suffered a lot, but she stayed by Ash's side throughout it all. Oak had begun showing up to see Delia, to help her through her own troubles, and when she died, he continued to stay because of Ash.

    Ash also learned that ten years ago he had been somewhat of a star. During the first year of Ash's coma there had been a series of murders involving young children who had gone out into the world at ten to become trainers, and disappeared. It was when bodies started turning up that parents and adults started petitioning that children shouldn't be given Pokémon. However, it had firstly been ignored because it was not a legal requirement for parents to let their kids leave home at ten, and if someone was targeting children then it would not only be irrelevant to them owning Pokémon, but the Pokémon only served as possible protection against whomever was committing the crimes.

    How does Ash tie into this? Oak explained that Ash had fallen into his coma after being struck by lightning and attacked by the flock of Spearow. Ash recalled the event. This occurrence was the major turning point in the petition's case because it helped show the negative aspects of why youths shouldn't be allowed Pokémon.

    “Luckily,” Oak said with a devious grin, “you're twenty-two years old, so you don't have to worry about not being allowed any Pokémon.” Ash's face fell serious as he glared at Oak.

    “Old man, I don't have any Pokémon anyway. I can't catch one when I can barely make it to the bathroom.” Oak grinned back at Ash, this time not so much deviously as excitedly.

    “Who told you that you don't own any Pokémon? I still have your Pikachu at the lab.” Ash was instantly flooded with memories, years of time spent side-by-side with that Pikachu, and it hurt to know that none of it was real. Oak broke his trance with, “You want to go see it?” Simple as that, Oak checked Ash out of the hospital, with his doctor, whose name he neglected his entire stay, who warned against certain foods, certain activities, the works.

    Oak didn't live far from the hospital, seeing as it was in Pallet, but they drove the ten minute walk in two. “He already told you to keep walking to a bare minimum. And besides, I don't want to leave my car here.”

    “You're telling me you drove your car to the hospital and back every day you visited my mom and me?” Ash asked with mortification in his voice. “That seems really lazy. Of all people, Professor.” They set about laughing as Oak parked his car in his driveway.

    “None of this professor nonsense, Ash. Call me Samuel. You aren't ten years old anymore, you know.”

    “Yah and- Samuel? Really?” Oak looked at him indignantly. “Alright, Sammy-boy. Have it your way.” Ash said in response. Oak simply shook his head and set about unlocking the door.

    “While I set to finding Pikachu, why don't you take a quick shower.” Ash nodded, excited to do something on his own. It was a new experience, as well as an old one, but despite that the past twelve years hadn't been real, he still found showering exactly the same. He put back on the clothes he left in, and looked into the mirror. What he saw shocked him, and he realized there weren't any mirrors in the hospital bathroom.

    He was a grown man. He knew he was twenty-two but he didn't expect change. He was a couple inches shy of six foot, and just realized he looked down at Oak now, and not up. His black hair was long and shaggy, reaching his shoulders, and he had facial hair, and not just a little. He had been aware of it over the past months, but hadn’t consciously acknowledged it. Knew he must look different, but never thought about how he must look. He found that he looked more mature, wiser, more experienced than before. Also, he looked a lot dirtier than he was, and Ash wanted a haircut. He wanted to brush his teeth and attend to hygienic needs, but he didn't feel comfortable using any of Oak's ('Samuel's', he mentally chided himself) products.

    When he left the bathroom he went back into the living room. It was messy, with a lot of recliners and couches, but little sitting room. Stacks of literature and notebooks and journals were piled across the furniture, atop the television, on piles taller than any other landmarks in the home. Samuel Oak came back into the living room with Pikachu, and thankfully she looked exactly as Ash thought she would. He was so excited to be with her, but he was apprehensive due to being apart for twelve years. Yet, as if he were her best friend she bound across the room from Oak's side and leaped into his arms.

    “It took four years for her not to electrocute me when we entered the same room,” Samuel said, shaking his head in disapproval. “I'm definitely going to have to study the bond between the two of you. Tell me, Ash, did you have Pikachu in your coma?”

    Ash didn't know exactly how to explain it, but he knew he didn't want to remember that world. Dwelling on it would simply make it harder to adjust, so all he said was, “No. I got rid of her as fast as I could.”
    Last edited by Tonberry_King; 14th August 2012 at 7:23 PM.

  2. #2
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    the 'ash is in a coma theory' has already been discused on 'tv tropes' and livejournal A lot...

    ...yet your fic seems to be taking a really good spin on it; specially the denial part of it.

    keep the good work.

    p.d:

    the following link might help you with this:

    http://community.livejournal.com/pokemon/1575631.html

  3. #3

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    Yah, I've seen that article before. Just not all of it. A friend quoted pieces of it and put it up on our forum. That's what inspired this. I haven't looked into other peoples' interpretations much really, and I think I'd prefer not to so that it doesn't influence the direction of the story. Glad you enjoyed parts of it, even if the idea itself didn't feel new. The next few chapters introduce many different characters, and it really strays from the anime. However, there's lots of influence from the manga, the anime, and the games throughout it, so I hope a lot of my more subtle references get appreciated. Also, thanks a lot for the comment.

  4. #4

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    Sure would love some more feedback. ;D


    Episode 2: Greenhorns

    Ash had grown steadily more bored. It was nice having Pikachu around; he had missed her while he was in the hospital. That didn't help that he wasn't used to the change of pace. After a couple of weeks Ash couldn't stand being at the lab. He did all of the shopping for Samuel and himself, just to get out. Oak spent a surprising amount of time in his studies, reading every book he owned, and Ash worried he'd already read them many times before. Ash missed traveling. He missed waking up to the rising sun every morning and hearing the sounds of the great outdoors.

    He did find comfort in his haircut though. He'd gotten one the day after he moved in with Samuel, and while at the barber he made sure they shaved his face too. He later had Samuel take him through the process, since he'd never had to before. It was interesting at first, but it inevitably only made things that much more foreign. His hair, Ash found, grew quickly. He had to shave several times a week and he was tasking himself with learning to cut his own hair, although that proved much more difficult than he expected. On a late summer evening, before the Sun went down, he whistled for Pikachu and decided to walk through the town. It wasn't too large, no more than sixty residents, and it didn't get many tourists. In fact, the professor was the only attraction, and after coming to meet him once most were put off by his frenetic behavior.

    Walking outside with Pikachu, Ash did something he hadn't done in a while. He gawked. He didn't know how to approach people anymore- he was nervous that what he knew to be casual and friendly wasn't how people actually interacted. Nonetheless, he and Pikachu stopped and Pikachu looked up at him knowingly. Ash swallowed hard. He was at least a head taller than her, but her legs were long and slender. Her skin was lightly tanned, the complexion more than just a bit alluring. Ash felt perspiration form on his forehead as the sun beat down on him, and his heart leapt from his chest, each pound strong enough to hammer a nail.

    She wore a sky blue tank top that barely covered her belly button and a red skirt that cut off just before her knees. Ash’s gaze followed her smooth bare legs. She was wearing tennis shoes with socks, and that bit seemed strange, but Ash’s eyes moved on and were quickly distracted by her chestnut brown hair that fell in curls and ribbons about her shoulders. She looked over at him, briefly, but her face did not register with any acknowledgment of him. She continued walking by, headed in the direction Ash was coming from. Ash watched her go, helplessly.

    Pikachu seemed to mock his appeal, zigzagging about his legs. Ash sighed a bit before resuming his walk, but couldn't help but think that that beautiful, young woman was someone important. He felt his pocket begin to vibrate, and his face turned red, his expression became puzzled. He reached into his pants and pulled out a cell phone. 'Damn it,' he thought, 'I forgot this thing existed.' It continued vibrating in his hand, and he flipped it open. Hesitantly, he held it to his ear.

    “Ash! Where the hell are you?” It was Samuel, and he sounded panicked and aggravated.

    “I'm walking Pikachu. What's going on?” Despite it having been so long, hearing Oak's language still felt weird. Most times he talked like any other guy his age, but when he was excited or angry...

    “Well get back here! And bring Pikachu- it's an emergency!” He stopped talking, and Ash sat with the phone by his ear for a few moments.

    “Why wouldn't I bring Pikachu?” he said into it. Oak didn't respond. “Hello?”

    Nothing.

    “Professor! Is everything alright?”

    Again, nothing. Ash began to panic, and Pikachu jumped up into his arms. “Samuel,” he said, “if you can hear me-” He was cut off by a strange beeping sound. Ash sensed that waiting for the beeping to end would be a fruitless endeavor, and so he closed the phone. Coincidentally, that stopped it. 'Oh.' he thought. 'A dial tone. Oak said to hang up if I got a dial tone...'

    Despite that the situation was less intimidating, he hurried back to see what the problem was. When they arrived, the first thing Ash saw was a single PD car idling outside the lab. That got him excited again. He ran into the house to see a police officer, a woman, talking with Samuel. She was tall with black hair, and she wasn't very attractive. She looked like she'd been smoking for more years than she hadn't. “Jenny?” Ash said, confused. The officer turned around.

    “Pardon?” she said. “Who is this?” she asked Samuel skeptically.

    “Ash Ketchum- you remember him from the news right? About a decade back?” She nodded hesitantly. Ash didn't think she really recalled him. “He's been staying here and helping out while he recovers from his coma.” His kept turning and looking into the kitchen to his back, almost paranoid.

    “Well,” she said, turning to Ash, “I'm Gina. You must have me mistaken for someone else.” Before Ash could respond, she continued, “You didn't take long to get here. Did you see any suspicious persons on the premises?” Ash shook his head slowly.

    “What exactly happened?” He asked. Officer Gina nodded toward Oak to tell his story.

    ---

    Green walked briskly, keeping her hands at her sides. It was hot out, so she refused to wear pants or a ski mask. A skirt was fine, and she felt she was nondescript enough. Brown hair, dark eyes. Average height. There were a hundred others that looked like her, and most looked guiltier. 'I can do this.' She chanted like a mantra. She climbed the picket fence that led to Professor Samuel Oak's backyard, her eyes scanning the yard for any Pokémon that might be set up for defense. An unnecessary precaution, it turned out- there were none. In fact, the grass was all dead, and Green wondered if he ever even came back here.

    Either way, it made crossing the yard simple. She got up to the house and crouched under a window. Green slowly poked her head up and looked through the window. The lab was dark inside, but she could easily make out a faucet. 'Kitchen? Maybe a bathroom?' She thought. Green reached down and grabbed a fair sized stone on the ground. Looking away, she brought the rock against the glass, shattering the window.

    Now she moved quickly. She hoisted herself up and through, pulling her white wristbands down over her palms to protect them from any shards of broken glass. She made sure to wear tennis shoes to make the process of breaking and entering easier. She'd done it once before in heels, and it was killer on her ankles. She was in, and her eyes took a moment to adjust to the darkness. 'What kind of lab is this?' she thought. 'It's so dirty...' She padded around in an attempt to be quiet, but before she was out of the kitchen she heard the slapping of bare feet on hardwood flooring. 'Shit,' she thought, 'I need to hide.' Green ducked through a door on the opposite side of the kitchen, closing it quietly behind her. This room wasn't just dim- there was no light at all. She kept her breathing shallow and to a minimum, repeating her simple mantra in her head. She heard his hurried feet clambering around, and she heard the frail voice of an old man begin to swear as, she assumed, he ran across a linoleum floor of broken glass. 'Old man must be off his rocker.' She thought. He ran back from the room, and then she could hear him shouting into a phone. 'He's calling the cops already?' She thought to herself, 'I'll haveta hurry.'

    She felt along the walls and found a light switch. Now it was too bright, and once again she waited until her eyes adjusted. The lavender colored walls and ceiling came into focus first, and Green saw that the room was huge. It was also full of boxes lining the walls, each brimming with pokeballs. 'He takes care of everyone's Pokémon?!'

    “Hell. Yes.” She whispered aloud anunciating each word. She moved to a table in the center of the room. Instead of any boxes, it simply had three pokeballs sitting atop it. Green nervously licked her lips. She picked up the first Pokéballs, and she felt very scared. Her fingers tingled as she thought, 'What if it's a big dragon Pokémon that he hasn't fed in weeks?' She shook her head. Technically, that was exactly what she was looking for- a rare, or very powerful Pokémon. She glanced sidelong each way, and was about to let the Pokémon out when the door a couple yards behind her opened. She looked back and saw the professor standing in the doorway, covering his eyes as they adjusted to the light.

    “Who's in here, dammit?!” he shouted. “You thief!” Green felt the adrenaline rush kick in, and she pocketed the Pokéballs she was holding. He wasn't looking at her, and was simply waving his arms about wildly. She saw he was blinking a lot, trying to make out her features, and she saw that there was no other way out. Green ran at the old man, throwing her right shoulder into him in a football tackle that sent him back into the kitchen, bashing his head into a cabinet. Green pulled her wristbands back down over her palms and she vaulted through the open kitchen window. The only thing she was thinking, is that this Pokémon had better be rare enough.

    She landed in a crouched position, taking off sprinting. She hurtled herself over the fence in one liquid movement, landed in another crouch, looked about cautiously, and darted around the block. It was while running that she wondered, 'Why did we park so far away?' She was grateful at least that she wasn’t even half Oak’s age and didn't have to worry about tiring out from just a couple blocks run. She saw their gray van parked on the corner. The sliding side door flew open, fast food bags and garbage spilling out like doves fleeing from a magician's hat as a light breeze carried the trash into the street. She climbed in and looked at Gingie. She was a bit shorter than Green, and looked a lot more modest. The hood on her sweatshirt was up, head to toe in black. She wore no make-up, and Green didn't know how a girl could stand not drawing attention.

    “Did anyone see you?” Gingie whispered as Green slammed the car door.

    “Gingie...” Green said with a nod toward the driver's seat.

    “Seriously,” Gingie spoke a bit louder, “Am I going to have to speed out of here; will there be a car chase?”

    “Gingie!” Green pointed with her hand. “Drive the fucking car. I beat up an old man and the police are on their way.” Gingie's eyes went wide. She was in the driver's seat within seconds, the van was on, and she drove away, speeding down the suburban street. “And slow the fuck down. There are no other cars out, so we're going to stick out if you don't drive more inconspicuously.” At this point, Gingie wasn't talking coherently. Simply muttering to herself, with small 'What have I done?'s and 'What will my mother say?'s.

    “She's not gonna say shit!” Green yelled at her partner. “We won't get caught. Just get back to base.” She took the Pokéball out of her coat pocket. Green was old enough to be a Pokémon trainer, but in one year she had already had her trainer's license revoked until she was twenty-five. She could have waited it out, but instead she went looking for trouble. “When we're out of Pallet, pull over,” Green said nonchalantly. “I wanna see what we found.” Gingie looked out of the corner of her eye while she drove. Now, even she looked more excited than scared.

    “I've never seen a Pokémon up close before.” She said. Green was surprised, but Gingie continued, “Think it's good enough to get us both into Team Rocket?”

    “I have no clue, but I can't wait any longer.” Green twisted in her seat, looking out the back window. “I think we're good. Just pull over now.”

    ---

    Ash was sitting next to a pile of newspapers from seven years ago. To anyone else they would've been out of date. Ash almost wanted to read them to see what he missed. Samuel finished retelling his story, lacking description though it may have been. “So,” Ash began, “you didn't see their face, what they were wearing, or their body type?” Samuel looked down at his bare, bandaged feet. “Was it a woman?” Ash asked. Samuel looked up, his mouth was open and he raised a finger, then changed his mind.

    “I can't be sure.”

    “Was she wearing a blue shirt with a red skirt?”

    “I do remember some blues and reds, now that you mention it.”

    “Long brown hair?”

    “Definitely had hair.” He agreed, nodding.

    “So, then we're looking for a young woman matching that description?” Gina interjected. She had taken out a small notepad and was scribing what Ash was saying. “And how do you know what the person looked like? Was this a domestic dispute?”

    “No. I've never seen her before today, but I noticed her while I was walking Pikachu.” Ash went to point her out, when he realized she was curled up next to him on the couch. Not as interested in Samuel's story as the others, Ash supposed. “She was headed this way when I saw her, but she didn't seem...” he paused briefly, “Criminal-minded.”

    Gina asked some more questions, gave Samuel a bunch of paperwork, and left them. While the professor got busy trying to get a hold of his insurance company, Ash got his blood moving. It started with the thought that he doubted the police would actually do anything about it. She could easily change her clothes, and then what do they have to go on? Young brunette? But, Ash knew he'd recognize her if he saw her again. Why didn't he do something?

    Before he could talk himself out of it Ash had gone into the den, where he'd slept, and started packing. He grabbed a sleeping bag, a few spare pokeballs, about 400 pyen, and some toiletries. Pikachu followed Ash avidly as he ran back and forth between rooms, occasionally knocking over stacks of books. Eventually, the noise caught Samuel's attention and he came out of his study, closing his phone.

    “What's all this, Ash?” He asked, genuinely confused.

    “I'm going to get your Pokémon back. Did you figure out which one was taken?”

    “Yes, but how would you be able to track her down? What if it wasn't even her?”

    “It doesn't matter. If it wasn't, then I'll figure something out. If I run out of options, then I'll come back. I have to do something though, and this is something beneficial. Let me help out, Sammy-boy.” Oak grimaced at the nickname. He was more than sick of it.

    “Anyway, Ash, you have no idea what the world is like. This person is a thief. They had no problem assaulting me to make their getaway, and they could even be armed.”

    “If they were armed,” Ash interrupted, “Then I’m sure they would’ve used their weapon. And I’m not a little kid-“

    “You lived in a perfect little world where nothing bad ever happened.” Samuel's voice had risen, and Ash had a feeling he'd be swearing soon, too. He had tried to get in his view on it, but Samuel wasn’t going to let Ash go without hearing it. “You're still just a little kid looking for an adventure. Life isn't like that. There aren't bad people and good. You aren't saving anyone. And there isn't any guarantee that you'll even make it out of this unfazed. Go unpack all of your shit, Ash, and grow the fuck up.” Samuel had a look on his face as if he'd remembered parts of his life he regretted. Actions he made with reactions that he wanted to forget about. He turned and bitterly walked back into his study leaving Ash standing alone, his eyes staring at the carpet. Samuel called out before he closed his study door, “Nobody is a damn hero, Ash.” If Ash had learned anything, though, in the past twelve years, it’s that nobody stays mad. He knew Samuel was just stressed out, and he naively and promptly forgot everything he’d just been told.

    ---

    He'd been walking for nearly an hour when he realized this would be a lot tougher than he remembered. In fact, he could usually walk all day while the sun was up, but now the heat took a toll on him. He wasn't in Pallet anymore, but he could see it when he turned back. It didn't look very far, but he knew it'd be another hour just to wind up back at Oak's. He loved the man for taking care of him, and what he said didn't even hurt Ash's feelings. He knew he didn't mean it, and he would've apologized before the day's end. But Ash wasn't accustomed to how life was. In fact, he wanted to learn. If Samuel said that this was life, then Ash decided that he'd experience it firsthand.

    Tired nonetheless, Ash sat and rested under a large indigenous tree. He had noticed that they were becoming more and more frequent, which was good for resting, but he suspected that this far out Pokémon must thrive. Pikachu sat on his lap while he waited for the heat to die down. Realizing he had 400 pyen, Ash began to look forward to buying a bottle of water or a lemonade from Viridian, unaware he had about five more hours of walking before he reached the outskirts of the city. Then he realized, 'Viridian has a gym.' A grin broke out on Ash's face and he stood up and walked on north of Pallet. Ash decided he'd challenge it when he got there, to see if he really had it in him.
    Last edited by Tonberry_King; 9th December 2011 at 12:00 PM.

  5. #5
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    First off, I love the Pokemon coma theory. I love almost any instance when someone takes an argument that obviously has little/no basis, and can actually support it. However, there are those who have not read the theory. My only major concern about the story is that those who have not read the theory may have a hard time understanding the basis for the story. For example, the actual theory goes into very minute detail about the causes for the coma-induced dream, while you go into very little. In fact, I'd I hadn't seen the anime or read the theory, I would have a problem understanding the story. Granted, you can assume that people know who Ash is, but as for the coma theory... you might want to delve into a bit more detail about some thing there. For example, how exactly did he survive for twelve years on life support, as even modern technology isn't that advanced, let alone random equipment in a town of sixty. I guess what I'm trying to say, is don't assume that people have read the theory, or put a link to it in the OP.


    Now that the rant that took too long to say too little is out of the way, onto the actual story. I liked the story. I had just finished glancing at several stories that I barely managed to read three paragraphs of when I saw your story. Needless to say, I liked it and kept reading, which seldom happens. I like your story a lot, due to several reasons.

    The first: you tend to avoid archetypes. Oak is not the standard researcher, Ash is (somehow) not the standard kid on a quest, and Green deserves her own rant.

    First off, I very seldom see a female rival as the primary antagonist for a male protagonst. The fact that Ash also is slightly in love with her definately makes for an interesting and original dynamic to a rival character, that I really hope you continue. Not much was revealed about Gingie (rival 2?), but she only had a cameo of sorts, so that is forgivable.

    My only real problem, outside of the first rant, which was really just a rant with nothing against the story. Oh wait... I'm ranting again... Let me start over. My only real problem with the story is Pikachu. One: it's got to be really, really old by now. Two: why exactly would it trust Ash? If it didn't twelve years ago, why would it after twelve years of no interaction? I just find that plot hole slightly annoying.

    In short: the rival dynamic is interesting, I love the coma theory, I rant a lot, the story was really good, put a link in the OP, and the pikachu plot hole is annoying. I'm going to stop before my rants become longer than you're chapters. I'll be back whenever the next chapter comes out.
    The Flash Drive of Champions: Backgrounds

    There are many reasons to journey in the Pokemon World. It turns out that banishment, Bond Villains, unbeatable rivals and being forced to attend one dance too many are among them.

    File 2.5 is up. Gela literally puts on a show for the world to see while elsewhen her world is shattered beyond repair.

  6. #6

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    To answer some of your questions: I had read considerably little of the theory before writing this, and I suppose it's influenced by authors who like to start with a lot of questions and answer them as they go, such as Roger Zelazny. I didn't want people to know the answers straight-away, and everyone started out knowing what Ash or Samuel knew. And I'm fairly sure we do have the capabilities to keep someone alive while in a coma for twelve years. I hear about in the news people waking up from comas of that length all the time. I don't even

    Anyway, this season is going to be 25 "episodes" long, and eventually I'll be juggling about fifteen different characters. Gingie continues to play a prominent role, but doesn't start really coming out of her shell until episode 11. A lot of answers to your questions are answered further into the story, such as details of Ash's coma. Valid point on having a hospital in a town of 60. Hadn't crossed my mind. Considering how low 60 really is, I may simply change it to like, 6,000. That's still not much (I live in a city of 200,000 which is shadowed by Seattle with 500,000+. My city isn't even considered big. 6,000 isn't that bad at all, imho).

    The "Pikachu plothole" is also explored further into the story, although not until Ash meets Professor Elm in Johto, so I suppose explaining it now wouldn't be very unreasonable. Eventually I'll go into more detail about Oak's visits with Ash, but for now I'll say that all of the people from Ash's coma are real people because they're people that were in the news. Samuel Oak would come visit Ash daily and simply talk about current events, and would often read to him from his own journals and notes. That's hinted at in the first episode when he says he already knows everything Samuel is reading to him, but he doesn't mind because of the company. Pikachu was brought to visit him occasionally, and Ash had such a strong dream that he mentally connected with Pikachu without directly interacting. The plausibility of such a connection is explored more, again, when he meets Professor Elm. When the details of Ash's coma are explained later, those that already had heard the theory said it felt forced, while those that hadn't liked it because it explained a lot. So, I guess that just depends on WHO exactly is reading it. I suppose I could put a link in the first post, and explain that reading it is optional.

    Ash and Green's rival is an aspect of the story that happened by accident, and is actually giving me issues with where I'm writing now, but fixing such problems only make for more interesting stories, so by the time episode 12 and 13 are written, I doubt that this thread will even be to episode 6. I've considered that Pikachu should probably be really old, but we honestly don't know how long pokemon live for. Death is a subject rarely explained in the story, and if pokemon are in fact aliens, then they could potentially live for hundreds or even thousands of years. More reasonable, and more likely for my story, would be 50-80 years. Otherwise trainers would only use the same team for small portions of their lives. If Lance got to where he is now with one team, and stayed as Champion for fifteen years, it would be lame if all of his original team died of old age, or became too old and died in battle.

    Also, thank you very much for the comment. I appreciate it a lot, and I'm glad that you enjoyed reading it more than the last however many stories you attempted. And make your rants as long as you'd like. I can just start writing longer episodes (11, which I just finished, is 7 1/2 pages long, compared to the first 6 or so, which are ~4).

    I hope anyone else who reads this is ready for Team Rocket. They're going to show up with quite a strong presence in the next many episodes, doing a lot of things that would not happen in the show or anime, ever.

  7. #7
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    I do hope that Team Rocket uses Lickitung for some purpose... that thing never got enough love while it was around.

    To be honest, I am most curious to see about Misty, specifically her Togepi. I know that seems random, but I want to see what you interpret Togepi as representing from Ash's dreams

  8. #8

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    To be honest, I forgot about Togepi for the most part, but after giving it some thought, I came up with the following:

    Togepi initially wasn't just Misty's, but Ash, Brock, and Misty shared Togepi, and constantly fought over whose it was until it hatched. Considering that Brock represents Ash's maturation through his teenage years, and the repression of his sexual desires, and Misty was the subject of his adoration, then the three of them together certainly represent Ash and puberty, which would be manifested through, fittingly, an egg. Even more fitting that it awakens to think of Misty as its mother. The maturation of Togepi itself seems to mirror the relationship of Ash and Misty, as it slowly learns attacks, but because of Ash's repressed emotional changes, the growth is stunted, and Togepi, or Ash's love and symbolism of becoming a man, leave the show when Misty does, allowing Ash to continue being ten years old throughout the remainder of the show, with Brock being the only character who has recurred quite regularly since the very first season, is Ash's repressed emotions, because they've maintained a constant level.

  9. #9
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    Hey there...

    I haven't read anything about the pokemon comma theory, but this particular work on it seems solid. The story by itself is versatile, open to all sort of interpretations from the characters seen on the series and the events that occured throughout Ash's imaginary journey.

    I can't imagine how hard it must be to wake up from a 12 year comma, and acknowledging everything you have learned is merely fiction. However, I believe people do greet themselves with a smile and nicely, he must have been quite traumatized from the comma.

    Ash's characterization remains quite a mystery, I don't think he's the same guy I see at the anime. What I'm getting from the text is that he's somewhat naive and brave, but scared as hell deep within. But, a if you sit and try to understand why does he acts like he does, it all makes sense, good work on that part.

    Oak... hmmm... An older, weakened Oak. Kinda like Ash's mentror/dad. He fulfills his role in a way that should satisfy everyone (and even rants like an old man!!!).

    I'm no grammar genious, and I rarely point out grammar in my reviews, but you make the same mistakes i did in my fic. The most common one is:

    Quote Originally Posted by Tonberry_King
    Within the minute, thankfully, someone came into the room. Someone, Ash assumed, that must know what was going on. Ash wanted to reach out to him, but suddenly, before the man had a chance to make eye contact, everything was going black again..
    You're using too much Ash's name. You have to use this opportunities the text gives you to describe situation a littlemore. Take this for example:

    Within the minute, thankfully, someone came into the room. Someone that must know what was going on*. He thought to himself, wanting to reach out to him. But before the white coated man had a chance to make eye contact, his body grew weaker and everything went dark around him once again..

    *Bold outlines Ash's thought, and yes, thoughts must be outlined from the rest of the text with Italics*

    Well, that's just a suggestion. But it states my point, try to avoid using the character's name over and over on the text. It grows repetitive and gives a bad look to the text, and you really have to work on that particular part, because i saw that mistake spread all over the 2 chapters i read. However, this does not disrupts the message expressed through the text, it is still understandable.

    The foul words do earn this fic its rating. It is not filled with these words, but I suppose i should say that if you exceed their use, this will turn into... well... something that is not too nice to read.

    It was qiute fun reading this work, a real good twist to what I have seen around here. My imagination runs wild with all the posibilities from this fic, if you have a PM list, feel free to add me, I will keep track of the progress of this fic, and review oftenly if possible.

    Thanks for your time, I look forward to the next chapter
    10th prestige Lv 55 Nightmare

    I still Like wafflezzzz...

  10. #10

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    Just to inform you, comma is , and a coma is a deep resting state that one often does not awaken from. You have great spelling and grammar, but with coma being a theme, it was a bit distracting.

    Anyway, Ash is definitely naive. In fact, with later chapters I have the issue of him feeling too immature, and before they're posted I'll be going through them again and rewriting scenes a bit.

    As for using characters' names a bit often (in this case, Ash's), I can definitely understand how that would be a problem. Definitely gives me something to work on as I go back through 12 chapters of writing. Thank you kindly. I'll definitely work on changing each instance to expand on the scene, as you did in the example.

    At the moment, I do not have a PM list, but I suppose now I do, and I'll be certain to remember that you're the only person on it. Hopefully as this progresses, it'll grow. Thank you. I'll actually be posting the next episode once I get done rereading it for possible changes. And thank you for the response. You folks here at Serebii have been the most helpful yet.

  11. #11

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    Episode 3: Inadequate

    No less than twenty minutes later, the heat was no longer an issue. The sun had collided into the Victory mountain range between Johto and Kanto, and the temperature was dropping steadily. This made it easier for Ash to make progress. Pikachu didn't seem to mind the walking a bit, and was perhaps more happy about being in the great outdoors.

    As Ash had noted to himself before, he felt like the presence of wild Pokémon was stronger the further from Pallet he got. In fact, the grass around him was almost up to his knees, and the trees were no longer few and far between, but becoming quite common. It wasn't a forest, but it definitely had savannah-like qualities. Pikachu perked her ears up, slowly rotating them as she focused on sounds of life. Ash saw this, and stopped moving. His eyes slowly scanned around him, his hands were out in front of him, ready for anything. He was weary to make a sound, and kept looking at Pikachu for some hint as to what was to come.

    It moved! Pikachu bolted in the opposite direction. Ash saw the rattata give chase. '...the hell?'

    “Pikachu! Get back here!” Ash shouted at her. She ran up a tree, perching on a branch. She looked down at the rattata as it scampered around the tree, occasionally trying to claw its way up. “Pikachu, give it a thunder-shock!” Ash yelled encouragingly. She looked over at him, tilting her head. “Please?” Pikachu almost seemed to shrug. Its cheeks sparked to life, and she let out a shrill, rodent war cry as jolts of electricity traveled from A to B. The rattata seemed quite startled, backing away from the tree, the smell of burnt hair becoming strong. It didn't run though, and Ash yelled for another. Pikachu obliged, feeling more empowered now, and she jumped from her branch, bolts of electricity arcing from her cheeks and entwining about the rat Pokémon. This time it squeaked despairingly, and tried to run.

    “Pikachu, don't let it get away!” Ash shouted as he ran after it. Pikachu gave chase quickly. The two of them ran side-by-side, Ash smiling like a lunatic at the thrill of a Pokémon battle. The rattata craned its head to look back, and saw not only a Pikachu, but a grown man as well. It nearly jumped from its skin, doubling its tiresome pace. Pikachu was quick. The rattata turned into a knothole in a tree, and while Ash didn't see it, he watched Pikachu scamper in afterward. Sounds of a struggle ensued, and Ash was worried the rat had reinforcements inside. Then, to his relief, there was a bright white flash that poured light from the hole, as well as the sound of crackling static.

    Pikachu evacuated the tree shortly, and cheerfully climbed onto Ash's shoulder. It was almost dusk now, and he still had a few hours before he reached Viridian. Unsure whether he should camp outside for the night or not, he suddenly realized that his pocket had begun to vibrate again. He pulled it out, and realized he'd made off with Samuel's spare cell. In fact, he was calling it. Ash answered.

    “Hello.”

    “Hello, indeed, Ash,” Samuel said. “You didn't actually go to Viridian did you?” Ash wasn't sure how to answer. He wasn't there yet, but telling the professor he intended to sleep outside in a sleeping bag probably wouldn't set his mind at ease.

    “Yah, I did. Honestly, you don't have to worry. I'm in a hotel room right now, and I heard that some girl robbed a gas station and made off. Looks like I'm hot on her trail.”

    “Is that so?”

    “It is.”

    “Was that an owl?” Ash paused. It was. It sounded quite nearby, and it was hooting very inconveniently.

    “Right outside my window. Noisy bugger.” Ash said, searching the dirt at his feet for pebbles to scare it away with.

    “Would you mind putting someone on the line then, Ash?”

    “Well there's no one else here.”

    “You're in an empty hotel?” Ash was about to respond, but Samuel cut him off. “The desk clerk is gone, no maids? You can't use the hotel phone to call for dinner?” 'Dinner?' Ash thought. 'I thought it was later than that.' The LED lights on his phone read fifteen after seven.

    “I got the other line, Sam. Lemme call you back.”

    “Other line? Don't feed me that bullshit, you don't know anyone el-” Ash hung up the phone. Only seven? He could make it to Viridian before it was too late. He turned his phone on silent since the only contact he had was Samuel, and he would be avoiding his calls until he made it into the city. Route 1 was quiet enough, and most of the Pokémon in the area seemed not to be nocturnal. For the next couple of hours, activity was minimal. In fact, the only sounds seemed to be the walking, breathing, and occasional conversation of Ash talking to his pikachu, who may respond, but never with anything easily translated.

    He got in to Viridian decently late. Checking his phone told him it was just after ten. It also told him he had four missed calls. Ash considered calling Samuel back. Instead, he put his phone away, mentally putting it off until he found somewhere to sleep for the night. Unsure of where to start, Ash set off walking down the largest street he could find. Cars passed, but not frequently. The idle traffic of late night. He passed gift stores and pokémarts, a 24-hour super market. Seemed to be lots of franchise here. Even window shopping wasn't entertaining though. They mostly marketed toward residents: Large stainless steel appliances, lawn mowers with seats, password-activated window locks for your kids.

    Then he saw the gym. It was large- three stories tall. It had a large set of double-doors at the entrance, and they looked heavy. There were two men standing outside, looking somewhat troublesome. At the same time though, Ash was suspicious of most. He decided the best route was to approach them, and when he neared he realized they were smoking cigars. He also recognized one of them from his 'dream': Giovanni.

    “Excuse me?” Ash said. The two men stopped mid-conversation and turned toward him. “Do you know if the gym is still open?” Ash was fairly certain Giovanni was at least once the gym leader, but then again, what he knew was never set in stone. Giovanni looked a decade younger than he really was; he had an air of elegance, noblesse in how he talked. His hair was short and black, with no signs of graying despite that he was actually in his early forties. The man standing with him was an eccentric whom Giovanni introduced as Orm, someone Ash had never met- real life or otherwise. He was a shorter than Ash, with blond hair that hung in front of his eyes. Ash watched him ritualistically try and brush it from his face, only for it to return again a moment later. “Is the gym open right now?” Ash repeated.

    The two men looked at each other apprehensively. Giovanni cracked a smirk. “You got seven badges?” Ash's jaw must have dropped. “Didn't think so. No it is not, young man.” Giovanni turned back to his companion, ignoring Ash's remaining presence.

    “Then can you tell me where the nearest hotel is?” Giovanni stopped his casual talk with Orm and turned back to him.

    “I don't know. Not something I keep track of, ya know? Not my forte.” He stopped and turned, “Orm, know anything about that?”

    “I'm staying at the Honey Bee across town.” He looked at Ash for a moment, sizing him up. “ I s'pose I could give you a lift if you dun mind waiting around.” Ash was surprised by his offer, and thanked him. He walked away toward some benches in front of the gym, to leave the two men to their conversation. Eventually, as they lit up a second pair of cigars, Giovanni waved Ash over, after giving a sharp whistle to get his attention; the two men laughing when he jumped.

    He walked briskly back over, and realized Pikachu had been awfully quiet since they got in to Viridian. He didn't know what to do about it for now, but made sure to see if she was feeling alright later. Perhaps a night's rest is all she needs.

    “So,” Giovanni said. “Rare though it may be, you got me in the mood to battle. How many badges do you got?” Ash, embarrassed, said none. Orm scoffed. Ash would have glared, but he figured he'd bear it instead of losing his ride to the hotel. “None? You look twenty-five. How long have you been a trainer?”

    “Technically, twelve years.” Ash said, “but really, about three weeks.” The two men looked to one another again, this time more bemused then anything else. Unsure of how to take the answer. Ash went on to elaborate, telling them he'd just woken up from a coma.

    Now though, Giovanni was livid. “You mean to tell me?!” He said loudly, pausing to laugh, “You're the Ash Ketchum?” His voice boomed and echoed off the conclave entrance to the gym, the empty night streets, Ash's self-esteem. “I fucking love this guy!” he said to Orm.

    “Kid's famous, G?”

    “Famous? He's the reason that the Trainer Restriction Regulations Law passed- well, him and that 11-year old girl that got chopped up.”

    “Oh!” Orm said, the realization dawning on him, “What wasser name, I know this.”

    “Mackenzie Ryans, Orm. Shit.” Giovanni said as if this were a reoccurring issue.

    “I had that, G, why'd you have to ruin that for me?” Giovanni gave him a friendly punch in the chest, which Orm responded to by bringing both hands up in front of his face. He began taunting Giovanni with quick jabs cut short before making contact with his face. Giovanni didn't even blink.

    “Kid, I know what you went through must be reall' tough, but I can't stand battling with low level Pokémon. Their moves are mediocre and unappealing, the battles feel drawn out. I get no rush.” He paused, puffing on his second cigar, which was now nearing the end of its run. “Normally,” he changed his mind about continuing, and puffed again, “Normally, I make Kanto trainers wait until they got 7 badges, so we can have an all-out war. My Nidoking against their,” he made a gesture with his hands saying 'Whatever'. “You ever seen how beautiful a battle can be when two giants are competing until one can't go on? I don't lose often, but I love it when I do. I watched someone take my Rhydon to Hell and back once- hold on.” He puffed on his cigar again, and then snubbed it against the bottom of his shoe. “So,” he said, and Ash noticed that despite their strong friendship, Orm must admire Giovanni a lot. He seemed raptly interested in his story, which he'd likely heard before, “My Rhydon was dukin' it out with this mother fucker's Magmar. Thought it'd be an easy run- I had a strong type advantage on 'im, and it seemed more interested in fighting without his instruction. I should've taken that as a hint that its level must be up there,” he pointed to the sky then, “'cause anyone with seven badges shouldn't have Pokémon who don't listen, but I was in an arrogant mood that day, I s'pose. I start off strong with an earthquake. It looked like the Magmar was about ready to quit then and there. 'cept instead, it took off at a running charge, fire billowed from its mouth. My Rhydon stood its ground, knowing it had probably a good five hundreds pounds on this thing. Nah,” Giovanni shook his head as if his Rhydon just made the mistake of its life. “That Magmar hit him with a running fire punch. Promise it knocked teeth out. Rhydon started trying to git back up, on account of being knocked flat, this mother fucker wasn't havin' it.” He looked over at Orm and paused.

    “You'll let me tell this part? Really?” It looked like Giovanni just told him he'd won a trip for two to the Orange Islands, Orm was so excited. “Alright. Rhydon is struggling to his feet, and what does the Magmar do? I mean, civilly, he should've let him. Instead, he grabs him by his wrists, which were thicker than his own head, and throws him like a ragdoll into the air. Rhydon flailed, probably never having been in such a peculiar situation, and before he landed this Magmar, standing underneath this several ton Pokémon, instead of moving outta the way, headbutts him back into the air. It juggles this megaton around three or four times, knocking it senseless before Giovanni brings it back. The other trainer just smirked. Anyway, that guy ended up traveling pretty far, and I heard he ended up a gym leader himself in...” pausing, he looked to Giovanni for confirmation.

    “Hoenn.” He answered. “That was like five years back now though. I think his daughter took over for him.” Giovanni returned his attention to Ash. “Anyway, seeing as you've saved me a lot of grief not having to worry about ten year-olds trying to battle me all the time, I'll let you challenge me when you have four badges. You better give me a run for my money though, alright, Ash?”

    Ash nodded and shook his hand. He was surprised at how friendly Giovanni was considering what he remembered, and especially after hearing Samuel tell that the real world was so much worse than his dream. He picked up Pikachu and held her tightly, petting her, feeling the hair on his arms rise from the static, and he walked with Orm to his car. It was an old model of Bonneville, with a nice leather interior and a clean, powder blue paint-job. Ash put his belongings in the backseat and the two of them were soon moving across town at a steady pace. Ash noticed Orm had a tendency to run lights, but Ash didn't say anything since there weren't any other cars anyway. The drive wasn't quiet, but filled with uninteresting chatter that barely qualified as conversation. Apparently without Giovanni, Orm lost his gusto.

    They parked outside the Honey Bee, and went inside. It was 70 pyen a night, but Orm told Ash he had a suite with a fold-out in the living room, and if he didn't wanna spend his limited funds, it was free to him. “I'll only be in town for a couple more days though,” he had said, “so it won't last long.” Orm walked to the window and opened it up. He lit a cigar and leaned out to smoke. He turned to Ash shaking his head. “I miss the days when I could light up wherever I wanted. Now I can't even smoke in a shitty hotel that probably doesn't wash their bedsheets.” Ash made a face of disgust, and mentally noted to sleep in his sleeping bag, on top of the mattress.

    Orm left the window open when he went to his own bed to retire for the night. Ash didn't mind the cool night breeze, and left it wide open. Pikachu had curled up next to him and fell asleep before he had even stopped moving about. Looking over, Ash saw it was almost one in the morning. He questioned whether or not he'd ever been awake at this hour. He remembered he'd been in a coma, and concluded he had not.

    He fell into a deep sleep, which is why he didn't wake up straight away when a Pidgey flew in the open window. He did wake up, though, when it knocked over a lamp, breaking the bulb. He stirred lazily, sitting up with half of his face all pins and needles. Pikachu was quicker on the jump. Ash didn't even direct her. Her cheeks sparked to life and she sent the bird spiraling into the carpet. It pushed itself to its feet with its wings, and tried to scratch up the carpet, in an attempt to hit Pikachu with a sand-attack. The flung carpeting was unsuccessful. Pikachu shocked it a second time, and the Pokémon fainted, lying still, shallowly breathing in the middle of the room. Orm walked out wearing only a pair of jeans. He looked around, suggested closing the window, and returned then to the room with the bed. Ash wondered if Orm had even been sleeping in there. Who sleeps in jeans?

    Ash, not sure what to do with the Pidgey, rummaged through his bag. He found a premier ball, a novelty item Samuel had in bulk, and tossed it at the stirring Pidgey. The ball quickly calmed, and Ash realized he'd just caught his first Pokémon- again. He grinned a little sinisterly, made a note to hit the pokécenter on his way out of Viridian, closed the window (although he'd almost forgotten already) and went back to sleep.
    Last edited by Tonberry_King; 13th August 2012 at 12:27 AM.

  12. #12
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    That was a pretty good chapter.. The differences between the Oak most people are used to and the one you present are definately amusing. Beyond that, Giovanni not being protrayed as a brutal, criminal mastermind is a different take on things. Also, that was a pretty anti-climatic way of going about a first capture, but I guess that it is a pretty realisitic one. The entire Rattata sequence really struck me as a completely unneeded display of force, but I think that was intentional. The way that dialogue was handled was also very good, and never got boring. I look forwards to seeing how Team Rocket actually works, however.

    EDIT: Am I the only one who was mentally screaming "It's a trap!" when Ash was offered a ride?
    The Flash Drive of Champions: Backgrounds

    There are many reasons to journey in the Pokemon World. It turns out that banishment, Bond Villains, unbeatable rivals and being forced to attend one dance too many are among them.

    File 2.5 is up. Gela literally puts on a show for the world to see while elsewhen her world is shattered beyond repair.

  13. #13

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    The rattata scene was definitely intentional. If pokemon are realistic, then they'd be like animals. And by realistic, I don't mean taking away their powers and such, but simply their instinctive behavior, then pokemon would rarely run up and attack people. Especially if people started fighting back with other pokemon. So, a single rattata attacked Pikachu, and when Pikachu defended itself, it tried to escape, as a natural predator would if it were suddenly unsure of its prey. And I figured it'd be a bit too cliche if Ash went and caught all of his pokemon out in the wild like in the games. I figured this was somewhat more along the lines of the show, with the exception that the show makes the entire episode about the acquisition of that one pokemon. There will be instances like that, but for a pidgey it seems like it would be too much effort.

    And Giovanni is still a villain- I'm just trying to show that not all people are good or evil. Everyone believes they're doing the right thing, or that the bad their doing is a "necessary evil". Giovanni is just a man, so why wouldn't he have human traits, like excitement, curiosity, generosity, and the whole nine yards?

    Also, I'm assuming you didn't see any grammatical errors or spelling issues? lol. Maybe a scene that could've used a bit more detail, etc?

  14. #14
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    Before I start, I highly recommend you don't post chapters on a day-to-day basis if you want to gather more reviewers, even if your chapters aren't too long. Sometimes huge amounts of text posted in a short period of time can scare away potential reviewers. It's better to give your readers a few days to read a new chapter before posting the new one as, well, not everyone has time to read a new chapter per day; likewise it gives you a break and time to re-read your work. What's more important is consistency; a reader is more likely to come back if he/she knows you update every week or every three days or something.

    Anyway!

    Hmm ... I like the starting paragraphs of your story, actually. You do well with establishing Ash's confusion in the opening paragraphs along with the flood of emotions that Ash himself doesn't know why he's feeling. I was kind of “eh” on the “wailing souls/hell” simile because it seem misplaced. Kind of like you wanted something intense there for the sake of something being intense there. I actually think the mood would be better without it.

    He opened his eyes slowly, and immediately noticed his headache was gone.
    There's no need for the comma here. You only need a comma before a coordinating conjunction (and, but, so, for, etc.) when you're creating a compound sentence. So if you typed something like this:

    He opened his eyes slowly, and he immediately notice his headache was gone.

    you would need the comma since you're connecting two complete sentences together with the conjunction/comma combination. It's not the biggest of deals, no, but you might be creating unnecessary, awkward pauses when you don't need to be. An easy way to tell whether or not you need a comma is by reading the clause before and after the coordinating conjunction as its own sentence. If its a sentence that can stand on its own, you need the comma. If not, you don't need the comma.

    It hadn't ever been something Ash thought about doing, but he closed his eyes and prayed.
    I feel like you're missing something here or you could rephrase it better. Like “It hadn't been been something Ash had ever done before, but he closed his eyes and prayed.”

    I like the juxtaposition between Ash's version of Professor Oak and this Professor Oak.

    If Oak were at wits end,
    wit's

    He had been with Dawn and Max last he knew- where were they now?
    Not so much an error than a query, but why is Max there? Do you mean Brock by chance?

    I feel like you could break up the paragraph when Oak is talking to Ash for the first time just to avoid the unnecessary text block. If you don't want to break it up too much (personally, I would have started a new paragraph with each question/answer because in a way it's working like dialogue), consider starting a new paragraph where Oak says, “What I'm going to say.” Perhaps you could work in Oak's emotions/hesitance-in-delivering-the-news in this part since his dialogue is kind of monotone here. I'm not sure if you wanted it to be like that.

    That being said, I like how you wrote Ash's nerves in that section. I think the “entire name” idea was a nice one to touch on how formal/distant the relationship between Oak and Ash is in this world. I also like the build-up along with the confusion. Again, I like the juxtaposition between what we know is wrong with Ash (him being in a coma for a number of years) and what he thinks is wrong with him, which is – at least from what I interpreted – him being paralyzed.

    He had awoken from another dreamless slumber, and he yawned from his boredom. He didn't even catch it right away.
    Haa, I actually like this part because I didn't get what you meant by “it” at first, and once I did, I felt like Ash and I were on the same page. The following scene where Ash proudly demonstrated his new ability was executed so beautifully, by the way. I also love Ash's reaction to Oak's hug.

    Often times when Oak was there the conversations became more serious. Ash learned that his mother had passed four years back, from breast cancer. Her insurance had given her an ultimatum: to pay for Ash's bill, or hers. She suffered a lot, but she stayed by Ash's side throughout it all. Oak had begun showing up to see Delia, to help her through her own troubles, and when she died, he continued to stay because of Ash.
    That's heartrendingly beautiful. I think this small plot line would make such a sad but gorgeous side story to this piece.

    “Luckily,” Oak said with a devious grin, “You're twenty-two years old, so you don't have to worry about not being allowed any Pokémon.” Ash's face fell serious as he glared at Oak.
    The back-and-forth dialogue between Ash and Oak here is brilliant; you can just see the difference between their first “conversation” earlier and how disconnected the two of them were and how connected they are now, given that Oak has been working with Ash for months now.

    That being said, “you're” should be lowercase here since it's still in the same sentence as “luckily.” (Luckily, you're twenty-two years old ...)

    He was a grown man. He knew he was twenty-two but he didn't expect change. He was a couple inches shy of 6 foot,
    Write out any number between 1-100 in your story.

    I think it's a little weird that Ash wasn't aware of his facial hair or the length of his hair. Facial structure and body structure I can get if there's no mirrors, but I figure Ash could see that his hair was brushing against his shoulders/the side of his neck. Likewise, if he had ever brought his hands to his face, he could feel the facial hair, no? Since he has been in the hospital for so long, his facial hair would have grown quite a bit, so someone must have had to shave it for him at least a few times. And if not, I feel like that would just make it easier for him to realize he has hair on his face.

    I get what you're doing here obviously, but it's just a little strange how Ash wouldn't recognize some changes even if there were no mirrors (he wouldn't catch his reflection anywhere?).

    “It took me four years for her not to electrocute me when we entered the same room.” Samuel said.
    Period after “room” should be a comma.

    Ash didn't know exactly how to explain it, but he knew he didn't want to remember that world. Dwelling on it would simply make it harder to adjust, so all he said was, “No. I got rid of her as fast as I could.”
    Interesting ending for this chapter. A little depressing in a way, but I understand Ash's logic in it. At the same time, it's strangely refreshing in the sense that it's a new start for him and that despite knowing that he lived a life that wasn't real, he's ready to move past it.

    Actually, I think you did handle the aspects of the pokemon coma theory quite well into your story, though I might be biased; I have read the pokemon coma theory a few times (and read it incorporated in other stories as well) so I knew exactly what was going on. I liked how you weaved in the basic idea of Ash's electrocution with another plot point in this world (the whole parents wanting to ban pokemon being given to kids thing). I am glad you didn't just information dump the points in the coma theory and made them work with what was currently going on in the story. They were informative but at the same time entertaining or touching. You worked the emotions really well in this chapter; what was poignant to me was when Ash smiled for the first time. At the same time, you also know how to effectively tug at the emotions of your readers (again, the Delia plot line. Gah, I wanna remix that point right now ;-; ).

    I think the major difference between your take on the coma theory and other people's take on the coma theory is that you're aware of growth and that life goes on. Many coma stories are stuck around the depressing factor of Ash being in a coma for so long and his life, essentially, being just a dream, and while it's certainly plausible to think Ash would be depressed, I wouldn't say that isn't the only way to interpret it. I like that you're aware that it would take Ash time to recover. I like that you're aware that Ash would go through other emotions besides sadness and that, with time, he would slowly move forward and try to re-enter regular life, whatever regular life means. I loved that you took us through Ash's physical development, his re-learning of talking and eating and walking, along with his emotional development and his handling of what had happened to him and those around him.

    I actually had a question about whether or not Ash had retained the information he had learned in his ... dream world or whatever it's called, but I see you answered it in a response to another reviewer. It appears that you thought long and hard how certain aspects in the real world would affect Ash in the dream world and vice versa. Anyway, onto episode dos!


    Episode two:

    Nonetheless, he and Pikachu stopped and Pikachu looked up at him knowingly. Ash swallowed hard. She was no taller than 5'5”, but her legs were long and slender.
    I had an issue with this when Ash estimated his height (roughly a couple inches short of six foot), but can you accurately guess how tall someone is just by looking at them?

    You info dumped character description on us (definitely apparent with the color description on the clothes) which isn't the best way to describe someone. Mostly because A) it doesn't flow with the fic and B) people usually skim them at best. It's best to incorporate it into story via some action so it flows with the piece. Likewise, breaking it up in shorter pieces that flow with the story makes it more apt to be read by your readers. Yes, some things may catch Ash's eye, like her hair, but you don't need to describe everything else in one go either.

    'Damn it,' he thought, 'I forgot this thing existed.'
    Don't use single quotation marks to indicate thought because some people may confuse it with real dialogue (some countries use it for dialogue, for example). Usually the “thought tag” that follows the thought is enough indication that it's in someone's head. Italics are optional, actually. I personally don't use them but to each his own.

    “Why wouldn't I bring Pikachu?” He said into it.
    “He” should be lowercase.

    “Pardon?” She said. “Who is this?” She asked Samuel skeptically.
    Both “shes” should be lowercase. I feel you don't need this lesson but just in case ... Anything that explains how the dialogue is being stated (ex: he said, she yelled, Ash asked, they replied, I muttered, etc.) is connected to the dialogue; therefore, the speech tag after it should be lowercase. Likewise, the dialogue, if it doesn't end with a question mark, exclamation mark, or ellipses, should end with a comma.

    Quick examples:

    • “Hey,” she said.
    • “Hey!” she yelled.
    • She said, “Hey.”
    • “Hey,” she said. “How are you?”
    • “Hey. How are,” she began, “you?”
    • “Hey.” She waved at him. “How are you?”
    • “Even if you were thoroughly prepared–” He turned his head slightly to look at her near-empty bag. “–or prepared at all, there could be things you might not be able to handle.”


    She landed in a crouched position, taking off sprinting. She hurtled herself over the fence in once liquid movement,
    One?

    It was while running that she wondered, 'Why did we park so far away?', and was grateful at least that she was only nineteen, and didn't have to worry about tiring out from just a couple blocks run.
    Eh, you're kind of pushing it here with the age detail. I can tell you only said it just to tell me her age. =P I don't think people would thank their specific age rather than thanking that they're young. But again, eh.

    The sliding side door flew open, fast food bags and garbage spilling out like doves fleeing from a magician's hat.
    Lol. Kind of like that “hell” analogy in your first paragraph, this simile just sounds like you wanted something fancy just to have something fancy. Plus it doesn't make sense; garbage falls and don't run away like doves do.

    She wore a hooded sweatshirt, black, and the hood was up.
    I kind get what you're doing (kind of) but I think you could tweak this. It sounds like a list of descriptions instead of one fluid description of one object. Why would Green look at Gingie's appearance now anyway? Make sure your description makes logical sense in terms of placement.

    “Long brown hair?”

    “Definitely had hair.” He agreed, nodding.
    I lol'd. I like your light touches of humor. You know good places to insert it.

    And there isn't any guarantee that you'll even make it out of this unphased.
    Unfazed. I'm iffy on Samuel's little tangent here, mostly because you didn't mention Ash's reaction during it. He may not have spoke, but Ash would have responded in some way during it, whether it's facially or bodily or something. Though I admit I am biased; I was never one for long bouts of dialogue because someone usually interrupts somehow, whether vocally or through movement.

    Even, he wanted to learn.
    You're missing a word after “even” I believe.

    Your chapters kind of end abruptly. It's not necessarily a problem, but it's kind of off-putting nonetheless. Interesting that Ash wants to try challenging the gym again. Wonder how it's going to be like comparing his gym experiences with this one and if you're going to describe them in a more grittier way.

    The Green subplot was interesting (I was thrown off a bit, admittedly, because I'm so use to pokespec!green, who is the boy, than Green as the girl (which kind of threw me off as well since I'm use to reading Leaf as her. And I have a parenthetical thought inside a parenthetical thought. I'm gonna stop this thought train now)). It was definitely a lot more physical and grittier than the violence in the anime. Of course people would run and push people down to the point of injury in order to escape. At the same time, its weird because we're so used to that sort of thing not happening in the anime (at the very least they wouldn't get hurt as badly as Oak did).

    I guess while we're on Oak, I should talk about him. He is very different from the Oak is. I bet you're tired of me saying grittier, but he is, well, grittier. Obviously so because he does cuss (any reason for that?) but because of what he has experienced with Ash in the coma and the things that have happened outside of Ash's coma. You do well with keeping him “in character” though in the terms of your setting; he is still warm and cares a lot for Ash, much like how the Oak in Ash's coma cared for him. You definitely did age him; he does appear to be a bit more senile and loopy, though he does appear to have his head relatively straight on his shoulders. You balance his wisdom and quirkiness quite well where he's not as sharp as he used to be but he's not a shadow of his former self either.



    Anyway, episode three time.

    How do you handle pokemon capitalization? Do you treat pokemon names as common nouns (therefore pokemon names are lowercase with the exception of them being proper nouns)? In episode one, you had “pikachu” uppercase in sentences where it should have been lowercase, but I see with this rattata scene you have “rattata” lowercase. So I'm not sure which one you follow.

    The battle scene was kind of cute in a strange way with Ash being all giddy and Pikachu feeling so encouraged for once after a long time. I kind of wonder if Pikachu would be rusty at using electricity, though I figure she must have used it occasionally while Ash was in his coma.

    “Yah, I did. Honestly, you don't have to worry. I'm in a hotel room right now, and I heard that some girl robbed a gas station and made off. Looks like I'm hot on her trail.”

    “Is that so?”

    “It is.”

    “Was that an owl?”
    Ha, love this bit of dialogue. Your dialogue is very natural for the most part.

    “Would you mind putting someone on the line then Ash?”
    Comma before “Ash”

    It also told him he had four missed calls. Guess it was time to call Samuel back. He put his phone away, putting it off until he found somewhere to sleep for the night.
    You might want to tweak this as I'm not sure what's going on with the phone. Is he calling him back now or not?

    Giovanni looked to be about thirty, but he had an air of elegance, noblesse in how he talked. His hair was short and black, with no signs of graying despite that he was actually in his early forties.
    I wouldn't recommend throwing in two different ages in there for the sake of clarity. That or rework it so it says that he was forty but he looked in his early thirties or something.

    The man standing with him was an eccentric named Orm, someone Ash had never met- real life or otherwise.
    How would Ash know his name now then? I get that you don't want to introduce him so that would be odd to do. Perhaps you could Ash hear the end of the conversation with Giovanni calling the blond-haired guy that specific name?

    His voice boomed and echoed off the conclave entrance to the gym, the empty night streets, Ash's self-esteem. “I ****ing love this guy!” he said to Orm.
    I love this bit. Probably a bit presumptuous of me to say, but I like your portrayal of Giovanni in this world. He still has that “bad guy” persona about him, but he's also likable in a strange way.

    Whoa, the following paragraph is huge. You can break up a paragraph even if you're still on the same subject or the same character is talking. That being said, I really am liking Giovanni here. His dialect is great. You're very keen about how the small differences in how people speak, how much they can speak, and so on. Giovanni's little actions, like what he does with his cigar, was also very telling of how aware you are of the little fidgety things people do with their hands and feet while they're talking.

    Orm walked out, said to close the window so it didn't happen again, asked if he was hurt, and returned to his room.
    Thought they were sharing a room. You mean “bed”?

    He grinned a little sinisterly, made a note to hit the pokecenter on his way out of Viridian, closed the window (although he'd almost forgotten already) and lied back down, asleep before his head hit the pillow.
    Eh, why the sinister grin? Kind of a weird choice. Also, “lay back down.” The past tense of “lay” (to place something down) is “laid”; the past tense of “lie” (to recline) is “lay.” So it's easy to confuse the two.

    I do like the capture scene; it was definitely a creative way for Ash to catch his second “first” pokemon again. It was unexciting in one way since it wasn't all that dramatic but, oddly enough, exciting because it wasn't dramatic. Does that make sense? Haha.

    I kind of wish you gave Pikachu a little more personality. I like how you handled her when she encountered that wild rattata and how she kind of freaked out and ran up a tree. But besides that, I think you could do a lot more with her besides faithful little pokemon. She is adorable though, I'll give you that. You do handle your human characters with great skill; each one is distinct and quirky in their own way. Ash is the most obvious given his circumstance. Oak with his cussing is another, along with Giovanni's specific way of speaking.

    Descriptively (since I don't think I really commented on it in a general sense yet) you do well, but you need to work on how to embed character description with your story. You rely heavily on information dump, sometimes telling us information that Ash doesn't know yet (again, back to the Orm thing). You don't have to dump details of a character in one go. Besides that though, you handle description quite well; you know when to describe the setting for the most part, and you know how much is enough to set the picture in your reader's head.

    Welp, long review is getting long, so I'll wrap it up. I really enjoyed this. You have a lovely, enjoyable writing style that is serious enough but knows how to be light-hearted when appropriate. I can tell you put a lot of thought and effort into this story.

  15. #15

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    Going to bed in five. Will properly reply later. Just want you to know right now, I think I love you. That's the type of response I've been dreaming of. <3

  16. #16

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    Quote Originally Posted by Breezy View Post
    Before I start, I highly recommend you don't post chapters on a day-to-day basis if you want to gather more reviewers, even if your chapters aren't too long. Sometimes huge amounts of text posted in a short period of time can scare away potential reviewers. It's better to give your readers a few days to read a new chapter before posting the new one as, well, not everyone has time to read a new chapter per day; likewise it gives you a break and time to re-read your work. What's more important is consistency; a reader is more likely to come back if he/she knows you update every week or every three days or something.
    I gave it a few more days now. No additional comments, but regardless, I won't be posting day-to-day this week.

    Quote Originally Posted by Breezy View Post
    Hmm ... I like the starting paragraphs of your story, actually. You do well with establishing Ash's confusion in the opening paragraphs along with the flood of emotions that Ash himself doesn't know why he's feeling. I was kind of “eh” on the “wailing souls/hell” simile because it seem misplaced. Kind of like you wanted something intense there for the sake of something being intense there. I actually think the mood would be better without it.
    I don't particularly want me story to be colorless- in that I think some description would help. I feel like there's not much, so I cherish what little I have. xD

    Quote Originally Posted by Breezy View Post
    There's no need for the comma here. You only need a comma before a coordinating conjunction (and, but, so, for, etc.) when you're creating a compound sentence. So if you typed something like this:

    He opened his eyes slowly, and he immediately notice his headache was gone.

    you would need the comma since you're connecting two complete sentences together with the conjunction/comma combination. It's not the biggest of deals, no, but you might be creating unnecessary, awkward pauses when you don't need to be. An easy way to tell whether or not you need a comma is by reading the clause before and after the coordinating conjunction as its own sentence. If its a sentence that can stand on its own, you need the comma. If not, you don't need the comma.
    That is logical. Lots of talk to convince me to scrap a comma, but you got it.

    Quote Originally Posted by Breezy View Post
    I feel like you're missing something here or you could rephrase it better. Like “It hadn't been been something Ash had ever done before, but he closed his eyes and prayed.”
    I'll reword it when I get to beefing up these chapters. With your assistance, I feel I can do so with great success.

    Quote Originally Posted by Breezy View Post
    I like the juxtaposition between Ash's version of Professor Oak and this Professor Oak.
    As I said before, I feel like the anime, games, and manga don't do a very good job personifying their characters. They all focus more on the Pokemon. I'm trying to focus a lot more on the characters (but I do see it taking a toll on my Pokemon, ironically).

    Quote Originally Posted by Breezy View Post
    wit's
    You got it.

    Quote Originally Posted by Breezy View Post
    Not so much an error than a query, but why is Max there? Do you mean Brock by chance?
    =\ You tell me. I haven't watched the anime since 1999, so if that's wrong, then you'd know before I would. I was under the impression that in the Diamond/Pearl arc of the show, he wandered Sinnoh with Dawn and a little kid named Max. Untrue?

    Quote Originally Posted by Breezy View Post
    I feel like you could break up the paragraph when Oak is talking to Ash for the first time just to avoid the unnecessary text block. If you don't want to break it up too much (personally, I would have started a new paragraph with each question/answer because in a way it's working like dialogue), consider starting a new paragraph where Oak says, “What I'm going to say.” Perhaps you could work in Oak's emotions/hesitance-in-delivering-the-news in this part since his dialogue is kind of monotone here. I'm not sure if you wanted it to be like that.
    Some sound advice. I'm not sure how much I want to break it up as is, but if I make the scene a bit longer, then I certainly would break it up. Thank you.

    Quote Originally Posted by Breezy View Post
    That being said, I like how you wrote Ash's nerves in that section. I think the “entire name” idea was a nice one to touch on how formal/distant the relationship between Oak and Ash is in this world. I also like the build-up along with the confusion. Again, I like the juxtaposition between what we know is wrong with Ash (him being in a coma for a number of years) and what he thinks is wrong with him, which is – at least from what I interpreted – him being paralyzed.
    Thanks. This first episode is very different from the following episodes, up until the last episode of the season, which returns to this type of vibe. I tried to make it impacting and vague, without being unspecific on details. I was going for a "He's not quite sure what's wrong, but being unable to move is pretty damn scary" feel.

    Quote Originally Posted by Breezy View Post
    Haa, I actually like this part because I didn't get what you meant by “it” at first, and once I did, I felt like Ash and I were on the same page. The following scene where Ash proudly demonstrated his new ability was executed so beautifully, by the way. I also love Ash's reaction to Oak's hug.
    Thank you kindly.

    Quote Originally Posted by Breezy View Post
    That's heartrendingly beautiful. I think this small plot line would make such a sad but gorgeous side story to this piece.
    I'm glad you like it. As I said in the beginning, two characters would receive side-arcs. One being Samuel, it can't hurt to say that it follows him from being ten years old, all the way until Delia passes away and Ash wakes up from his coma.

    Quote Originally Posted by Breezy View Post
    The back-and-forth dialogue between Ash and Oak here is brilliant; you can just see the difference between their first “conversation” earlier and how disconnected the two of them were and how connected they are now, given that Oak has been working with Ash for months now.
    I'm glad you can tell I've worked very hard on my dialogue. It used to be my downfall, and I think I've turned it into my saving grace.

    Quote Originally Posted by Breezy View Post
    That being said, “you're” should be lowercase here since it's still in the same sentence as “luckily.” (Luckily, you're twenty-two years old ...)

    Write out any number between 1-100 in your story.

    I think it's a little weird that Ash wasn't aware of his facial hair or the length of his hair. Facial structure and body structure I can get if there's no mirrors, but I figure Ash could see that his hair was brushing against his shoulders/the side of his neck. Likewise, if he had ever brought his hands to his face, he could feel the facial hair, no? Since he has been in the hospital for so long, his facial hair would have grown quite a bit, so someone must have had to shave it for him at least a few times. And if not, I feel like that would just make it easier for him to realize he has hair on his face.

    I get what you're doing here obviously, but it's just a little strange how Ash wouldn't recognize some changes even if there were no mirrors (he wouldn't catch his reflection anywhere?).
    Yessir to the first two. As for the facial hair thing, I completely agree. I'll fix it when I go back through. This chapter might be different enough to merit a second reading. xD

    Quote Originally Posted by Breezy View Post
    Period after “room” should be a comma.

    Interesting ending for this chapter. A little depressing in a way, but I understand Ash's logic in it. At the same time, it's strangely refreshing in the sense that it's a new start for him and that despite knowing that he lived a life that wasn't real, he's ready to move past it.

    Actually, I think you did handle the aspects of the pokemon coma theory quite well into your story, though I might be biased; I have read the pokemon coma theory a few times (and read it incorporated in other stories as well) so I knew exactly what was going on. I liked how you weaved in the basic idea of Ash's electrocution with another plot point in this world (the whole parents wanting to ban pokemon being given to kids thing). I am glad you didn't just information dump the points in the coma theory and made them work with what was currently going on in the story. They were informative but at the same time entertaining or touching. You worked the emotions really well in this chapter; what was poignant to me was when Ash smiled for the first time. At the same time, you also know how to effectively tug at the emotions of your readers (again, the Delia plot line. Gah, I wanna remix that point right now ;-; ).
    One of the most important ideas I started with is that the audience needs to understand he was in a coma, and why. However, they don't want to hear all of the details in one fell swoop. I plan on trying to split it up throughout the first season, and with some more minor details, Ash might never learn them.

    Quote Originally Posted by Breezy View Post
    I think the major difference between your take on the coma theory and other people's take on the coma theory is that you're aware of growth and that life goes on. Many coma stories are stuck around the depressing factor of Ash being in a coma for so long and his life, essentially, being just a dream, and while it's certainly plausible to think Ash would be depressed, I wouldn't say that isn't the only way to interpret it. I like that you're aware that it would take Ash time to recover. I like that you're aware that Ash would go through other emotions besides sadness and that, with time, he would slowly move forward and try to re-enter regular life, whatever regular life means. I loved that you took us through Ash's physical development, his re-learning of talking and eating and walking, along with his emotional development and his handling of what had happened to him and those around him.
    I really wanted to make the point that, if other authors leave him thoroughly depressed, yet change nothing detrimental to the storyline, then nothing was really accomplished except a shitty story was thrown out. I say this because, it's Ash's "thing" to start over with just his Pikachu. His tone changed considerably when Pikachu caught up to him all happy and giggly. Suddenly, he just gets a sense that everything will be fine. And he sets out in a new world, again, with just his Pikachu, again, to meet new friends he never knew before, again, but the difference is that not everything will work out wonderfully. In fact, Ash's resolve is shaken quite a bit.

    Quote Originally Posted by Breezy View Post
    I actually had a question about whether or not Ash had retained the information he had learned in his ... dream world or whatever it's called, but I see you answered it in a response to another reviewer. It appears that you thought long and hard how certain aspects in the real world would affect Ash in the dream world and vice versa. Anyway, onto episode dos!
    I have, and can I say: I appreciate you reviewing all three chapters considerably. Thank you very much.

    Quote Originally Posted by Breezy View Post
    Episode two:

    I had an issue with this when Ash estimated his height (roughly a couple inches short of six foot), but can you accurately guess how tall someone is just by looking at them?
    This most definitely needs a fixin'.

    Quote Originally Posted by Breezy View Post
    You info dumped character description on us (definitely apparent with the color description on the clothes) which isn't the best way to describe someone. Mostly because A) it doesn't flow with the fic and B) people usually skim them at best. It's best to incorporate it into story via some action so it flows with the piece. Likewise, breaking it up in shorter pieces that flow with the story makes it more apt to be read by your readers. Yes, some things may catch Ash's eye, like her hair, but you don't need to describe everything else in one go either.
    When writing it, I really wanted to give off the vibe that he was checking her out, but rereading it, it doesn't feel that way. I think it's because the scene doesn't have any opinion to it. I'll fix 'er up.

    Quote Originally Posted by Breezy View Post
    Don't use single quotation marks to indicate thought because some people may confuse it with real dialogue (some countries use it for dialogue, for example). Usually the “thought tag” that follows the thought is enough indication that it's in someone's head. Italics are optional, actually. I personally don't use them but to each his own.
    D= I actually quite prefer it. While single quotations may indicate speech to some, the italics should be helpful. I notice, when I read others' stories, I become quite quickly accustomed to what they use for speech, and what they use for thought. Since there doesn't seem to be a universal equilibrium here, I honestly think it'd be easiest and best for me if I left it as it is.

    Quote Originally Posted by Breezy View Post
    “He” should be lowercase.
    Yes he should!

    Quote Originally Posted by Breezy View Post
    Both “shes” should be lowercase. I feel you don't need this lesson but just in case ... Anything that explains how the dialogue is being stated (ex: he said, she yelled, Ash asked, they replied, I muttered, etc.) is connected to the dialogue; therefore, the speech tag after it should be lowercase. Likewise, the dialogue, if it doesn't end with a question mark, exclamation mark, or ellipses, should end with a comma.

    Quick examples:

    • “Hey,” she said.
    • “Hey!” she yelled.
    • She said, “Hey.”
    • “Hey,” she said. “How are you?”
    • “Hey. How are,” she began, “you?”
    • “Hey.” She waved at him. “How are you?”
    • “Even if you were thoroughly prepared–” He turned his head slightly to look at her near-empty bag. “–or prepared at all, there could be things you might not be able to handle.”


    One?
    Acknowledged. Thank you kindly.

    Quote Originally Posted by Breezy View Post
    Eh, you're kind of pushing it here with the age detail. I can tell you only said it just to tell me her age. =P I don't think people would thank their specific age rather than thanking that they're young. But again, eh.
    Again, acknowledged.

    Quote Originally Posted by Breezy View Post
    Lol. Kind of like that “hell” analogy in your first paragraph, this simile just sounds like you wanted something fancy just to have something fancy. Plus it doesn't make sense; garbage falls and don't run away like doves do.
    I quite liked this, actually. Whenever plastic bags fall out of a vehicle, they're immediately picked up by the wind. Perhaps a slight tweak for clarity, but I'm a bit attached to this one.

    Quote Originally Posted by Breezy View Post
    I kind get what you're doing (kind of) but I think you could tweak this. It sounds like a list of descriptions instead of one fluid description of one object. Why would Green look at Gingie's appearance now anyway? Make sure your description makes logical sense in terms of placement.
    That does sound awkward. Thanks for catching this one for me.

    Quote Originally Posted by Breezy View Post
    I lol'd. I like your light touches of humor. You know good places to insert it.
    Oooh, something good again. I'm going to say thank you and ignore the rest of this comment!

    Quote Originally Posted by Breezy View Post
    Unfazed. I'm iffy on Samuel's little tangent here, mostly because you didn't mention Ash's reaction during it. He may not have spoke, but Ash would have responded in some way during it, whether it's facially or bodily or something. Though I admit I am biased; I was never one for long bouts of dialogue because someone usually interrupts somehow, whether vocally or through movement.
    Just kidding. I'm still here. And I agree- this scene could definitely use a bit more detail, and is severely lacking considering the importance of it.

    Quote Originally Posted by Breezy View Post
    You're missing a word after “even” I believe.
    Actually, I'm not. lol. This is just a weird little writing quirk I have, where sometimes I write in a way that would make more sense in poetry or spoken word, but people don't actually talk or read that way. I'll take care of it.

    Quote Originally Posted by Breezy View Post
    Your chapters kind of end abruptly. It's not necessarily a problem, but it's kind of off-putting nonetheless. Interesting that Ash wants to try challenging the gym again. Wonder how it's going to be like comparing his gym experiences with this one and if you're going to describe them in a more grittier way.
    Could it be off-putting simply because you didn't want it to end? =P

    Quote Originally Posted by Breezy View Post
    The Green subplot was interesting (I was thrown off a bit, admittedly, because I'm so use to pokespec!green, who is the boy, than Green as the girl (which kind of threw me off as well since I'm use to reading Leaf as her. And I have a parenthetical thought inside a parenthetical thought. I'm gonna stop this thought train now)). It was definitely a lot more physical and grittier than the violence in the anime. Of course people would run and push people down to the point of injury in order to escape. At the same time, its weird because we're so used to that sort of thing not happening in the anime (at the very least they wouldn't get hurt as badly as Oak did).
    People will get hurt quite frequently actually. I will rarely kill off main characters, or supporting characters, but I make no promises about being injured, maimed, or tortured (all three of which happen first season to an important character. Oooh, yah ;D ).

    Quote Originally Posted by Breezy View Post
    I guess while we're on Oak, I should talk about him. He is very different from the Oak is. I bet you're tired of me saying grittier, but he is, well, grittier. Obviously so because he does cuss (any reason for that?) but because of what he has experienced with Ash in the coma and the things that have happened outside of Ash's coma. You do well with keeping him “in character” though in the terms of your setting; he is still warm and cares a lot for Ash, much like how the Oak in Ash's coma cared for him. You definitely did age him; he does appear to be a bit more senile and loopy, though he does appear to have his head relatively straight on his shoulders. You balance his wisdom and quirkiness quite well where he's not as sharp as he used to be but he's not a shadow of his former self either.
    I never actually planned on Oak being such an important character until I started planning season 3, where he'll get his Talk radio show. Then I realized, he needs to be a bit deeper. So when I got down to actually writing the story, it just kinda happened. I made no conscious effort to personify him. He wrote himself. Why he swears? I guess it's because, despite being older, Samuel Oak has never been "uncool". It makes sense to me that he's swear, he'd probably socially smoke on occasion, and when someone breaks into his house, apparently he'll bring the fight to them. A crotchety old guy, but he's got spunk.

    Quote Originally Posted by Breezy View Post
    Anyway, episode three time.

    How do you handle pokemon capitalization? Do you treat pokemon names as common nouns (therefore pokemon names are lowercase with the exception of them being proper nouns)? In episode one, you had “pikachu” uppercase in sentences where it should have been lowercase, but I see with this rattata scene you have “rattata” lowercase. So I'm not sure which one you follow.
    I think I'd prefer it lowercase. Pikachu's name is 'Pikachu' though, so when talking to or about her, I'll use the capitalized version, but when talking about the species in general, they'll be lowercase. I'll make sure that's all up to code.

    Quote Originally Posted by Breezy View Post
    The battle scene was kind of cute in a strange way with Ash being all giddy and Pikachu feeling so encouraged for once after a long time. I kind of wonder if Pikachu would be rusty at using electricity, though I figure she must have used it occasionally while Ash was in his coma.
    I might rewrite this a little too, because I wanted it to seem like she's a bit rusty. The first jolt was only enough to startle the rattata, while the second one sent it running. Realistically, one thundershock should have been enough to take out a measly rattata. Guess it just depends on who you're asking.

    Quote Originally Posted by Breezy View Post
    Ha, love this bit of dialogue. Your dialogue is very natural for the most part.
    I did it for the owls. ;D

    Quote Originally Posted by Breezy View Post
    Comma before “Ash”

    You might want to tweak this as I'm not sure what's going on with the phone. Is he calling him back now or not?
    Gah. No, he's not, but I fully see what you see.

    Quote Originally Posted by Breezy View Post
    I wouldn't recommend throwing in two different ages in there for the sake of clarity. That or rework it so it says that he was forty but he looked in his early thirties or something.
    Again, I completely agree.

    Quote Originally Posted by Breezy View Post
    How would Ash know his name now then? I get that you don't want to introduce him so that would be odd to do. Perhaps you could Ash hear the end of the conversation with Giovanni calling the blond-haired guy that specific name?
    You're on a roll. Normally, I might get five points of critique, and I'll argue against four of them. You give me forty, and I agree with forty-one!

    Quote Originally Posted by Breezy View Post
    I love this bit. Probably a bit presumptuous of me to say, but I like your portrayal of Giovanni in this world. He still has that “bad guy” persona about him, but he's also likable in a strange way.

    Whoa, the following paragraph is huge. You can break up a paragraph even if you're still on the same subject or the same character is talking. That being said, I really am liking Giovanni here. His dialect is great. You're very keen about how the small differences in how people speak, how much they can speak, and so on. Giovanni's little actions, like what he does with his cigar, was also very telling of how aware you are of the little fidgety things people do with their hands and feet while they're talking.
    This is everyone and their mother's favorite scene. Good to know I wrote Giovanni well. His language is also the reason I used that scene when giving the moderator an example of the language used throughout the story.

    Quote Originally Posted by Breezy View Post
    Thought they were sharing a room. You mean “bed”?
    What is going on I don't e-

    Quote Originally Posted by Breezy View Post
    Eh, why the sinister grin? Kind of a weird choice. Also, “lay back down.” The past tense of “lay” (to place something down) is “laid”; the past tense of “lie” (to recline) is “lay.” So it's easy to confuse the two.
    Good info to have.

    Quote Originally Posted by Breezy View Post
    I do like the capture scene; it was definitely a creative way for Ash to catch his second “first” pokemon again. It was unexciting in one way since it wasn't all that dramatic but, oddly enough, exciting because it wasn't dramatic. Does that make sense? Haha.
    I follow what you're saying- it's what I was shooting for.

    Quote Originally Posted by Breezy View Post
    I kind of wish you gave Pikachu a little more personality.
    Me too. :\
    Quote Originally Posted by Breezy View Post
    I like how you handled her when she encountered that wild rattata and how she kind of freaked out and ran up a tree. But besides that, I think you could do a lot more with her besides faithful little pokemon. She is adorable though, I'll give you that. You do handle your human characters with great skill; each one is distinct and quirky in their own way. Ash is the most obvious given his circumstance. Oak with his cussing is another, along with Giovanni's specific way of speaking.
    Again, I think my pokemon are lacking because I'm focusing so much on the people. I alllmost want to cut the pokemon out entirely, except I REALLY don't. Just have to work with it, I s'pose.

    Quote Originally Posted by Breezy View Post
    Descriptively (since I don't think I really commented on it in a general sense yet) you do well, but you need to work on how to embed character description with your story. You rely heavily on information dump, sometimes telling us information that Ash doesn't know yet (again, back to the Orm thing). You don't have to dump details of a character in one go. Besides that though, you handle description quite well; you know when to describe the setting for the most part, and you know how much is enough to set the picture in your reader's head.

    Welp, long review is getting long, so I'll wrap it up. I really enjoyed this. You have a lovely, enjoyable writing style that is serious enough but knows how to be light-hearted when appropriate. I can tell you put a lot of thought and effort into this story.
    Thank you. I have a lot on my plate for the coming week, but I'll put up the 4th episode tomorrow probably, to give all o' my readers something to dig in to. Then I'll rework a couple of chapters that aren't up yet because there are a few scenes I dislike. Wanna fix them before I put them up here. All in all, episodes 9-12 are all looking excellent, imho, and while I'm sure they can get poked and prodded, they're some of my favorites, so I can't wait to put them up here. And, after I put up episode 10, I'll put up the first episode of The Sandstorm, the first side-arc.

    Again, thank you, and to everyone else who has commented, thank you as well. I know it's bad to write simply for the audience, and one should write for themselves first and foremost, but feedback really inspires me, so you all help tons.

  17. #17

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    Episode 4: Criminals

    Green sat in the back of a limousine that was making its way through Viridian, en route to Pewter. Gingie sat beside her, and opposite the two girls was Sird. Sird was one of the legendary Three Beasts. The Three Beasts were three executives of Team Rocket, often deployed as a unit to resolve the most dire of situations. They were the best in Team Rocket. Sird was the mastermind of them, the planner. She was also a sniper, as Green understood. Green, as with most of the grunts in Team Rocket, feared her. She was an enigma- nobody knew how smart she truly was. She had the brains necessary for any endeavor. She was tall, even when sitting, a slender 6'3”. Her skin was gaunt, and her hair was black; she made Green seriously wonder if vampires were real. She was not a beautiful woman. Even the open-minded Green couldn't help but avert her gaze in submission to the monstrously cold demeanor of Sird, of the Three Beasts.

    “I hear you two managed to grab a Pokémon from Samuel Oak's laboratory.” Her thin lips curled into a smirk. “Not bad for beginners.” She tried to chuckle, but it was dry and scary. There was something about this woman that didn't seem human. Green thought back to her first trial mission. One of the others said they had met Sird once, and said he watched Sird bite a man's neck, like a vampire, and rip open his jugular. Another said Sird killed the first boss of Team Rocket, Miyamoto. “We were hoping for more, but this will do.” she said, “You are to go to Vermillion. Surge is the local administrator.” Gingie nodded vigorously- she just wanted to be out of Sird's presence. “Which one of you lives here?” she asked. Gingie raised her hand meekly. “We'll drop you the two of you off there, so you can drive to Vermillion.” She signaled the driver. “Be quick. I have matters to attend to.”

    ---

    In the morning Orm was already up. He sat at a counter-top in the kitchen eating a small bowl of sitrus berries. He was dressed as he had been last night- in jeans. When he saw Ash he stood, and when he stood he had to hold his jeans up by a belt loop. His hair was messy and unkempt, but it was that way when Ash met him so he didn't expect to see any attempts at fixing this.

    “Mornin',” Orm said casually with a mouthful of fruit. Ash waved a sleepy hello from his bed and lazily looked about himself. He felt like crap, slept like it. “What'd you ever do with that spearow?”

    “It was a pidgey,” Ash corrected him. 'I think...' He rummaged through his bag again, and sent it out. Orm looked up with a handful of berries as a pidgey appeared and as a red laser dissipated.

    “So it was.” He walked back into his room as he crammed the last of the sitrus berries into his mouth, and Ash set about packing up any belongings he had out. He left pidgey out of its ball, and he looked at it curiously. It looked a bit confused, and Ash could never remember a Pokémon he caught (despite that it had never actually happened before) being anything but overjoyed.

    “Addle.” Ash said pointedly. Orm was in standing in the doorway between the two rooms. He had put on a shirt and was brushing his teeth now.

    “Pardon?” He asked, spraying foam in front of him. His eyes adjusted as he watched it fall. “Oops,” he said more carefully.

    “I think I want to name it Addle. Because it looks so confused.”

    “Oh,” he said. He walked closer, and the pidgey eyed him hesitantly. He crouched down in front of it and removed the toothbrush from his mouth. “Hiya, Addle. Ash here is going to train you reall' strong, and I can see by how much he cares for that pikachu o' his that he's going to care for you too.” It chirped lightly, as if it felt relieved. It hopped around in bird fashion, eventually perching on a bed post.

    “I'm gonna be heading out. I'll be back later tonight, so you can stay here if ya'd like.”

    Ash shook his head. “Actually, I need to find a girl. She stole from a close friend of mine, and I'm going to get it back.”

    “What'd she steal?” he asked curiously.

    “His Pokémon.” Orm looked at Ash with raised eyebrows.

    “All of 'em?”

    “No, but one of his three.”

    “Good luck, then, Ash. Stranger,” he said, chuckling lightly to himself. “I hope you find this thief and get back what doesn't belong to her. And if you need any help,” he went to a dresser and pulled out a notebook, “here's my cell number. And don't worry about where you are or the time of day. I can get places.” He handed him a strip of paper he ripped from it with a 7-digit number printed in bold graphite.

    “Thanks,” Ash said, looking at it. “A lot.”

    ---

    Butch was in the driver seat, flooring the '00 Civic. He kept looking out of his window, the air blowing his face about in a contorted hall-of-mirrors effect that would have looked horrifying if there hadn't been any wind. His hair was naturally black, but Butch regularly bleached it to dye it shades of blue. This time it was more of an aquamarine, but it had been labeled as cobalt. He later learned to like it. He was wearing the traditional Team Rocket Grunt uniform, solid black with a red 'R' logo over his heart. The passenger seat was currently empty, although it was recently containing a man with bad luck. Bad luck in that he borrowed money from Blaine. The man fled from Blaine's territory when he lost it all gambling. These things happened more than Blaine liked to admit.

    It didn't matter. Nowhere was safe when you owed Team Rocket money. Kanto was all Rocket territory, and they'd recently expanded across the mountain range into Johto as well. The Boss had even sent a few grunts into the Sevii Islands to try and tap in on the tourism profit. Nowhere was out of their reach.

    Point was, going as fast as Butch was down Route 2, when Cassidy had thrown Dundee from the car he had no chance. His face hit the pavement first, and Butch imagined the fusion between the two wasn't the most pleasant. They had picked him up over at the entrance to Victory Road- he tried to flee into Johto, but the officials wouldn't let him through without 8 badges. Butch and Cassidy grabbed him as he exited the hall. In the backseat, Cassidy had one of the doors open and was firing out of it at the two pursuing vehicles, keeping them at bay.

    They had planned to take him to Saffron to see Sabrina. Their plans were impeded upon when these two cars showed up, firing into the Civic. A shot grazed Cassidy’s shoulder; she blamed Dundee. Either these were his people, coming to retrieve him and/or bury his secrets, or these were more people he pissed off. She immediately undid his seatbelt, threw open his door, and shoved him out with both feet. One of the cars giving chase hit him, much to Butch's delight. They'd been shooting at one another since.

    “Who the hell are they?!” Butch shouted. It was a rhetorical question, one which Cassidy did not answer. “Put on your seat belt, Cass,” he said calmly. She stopped shooting and looked back at him.

    “What?”

    “Just do it.” She obliged, and sat down behind him, making sure the belts were secure.

    “Go for it.” Butch slammed on the brakes and both cars went speeding past them. One car flipped a bitch, spinning on its back wheels until it was facing them. The two cars were about fifteen feet from each other. Butch hit the gas again and pulled around the car. He saw that the other vehicle had just started braking. The driver of the second car must have seen Butch accelerating toward him, and started moving again. Butch had hit 60 by the time he connected. Cassidy flew forward in her seat, her head within an inch of the back of Butch's driver's chair. The airbag deployed protecting Butch from the wheel. Cassidy undid her seat belt and began to fire on the nearing first vehicle. Six rounds spent into the windshield, each one a through and through. The car kept moving, but it was aimless and listless now. The driver must have been hit.

    By the time Butch had the airbag pushed down enough to see, the car in front of them was pulling away, albeit without their back bumper. “Get back in!” he said hastily, and Cassidy dove in, lying across the backseats. Butch pulled away and looked back, ensuring she made it in.

    Butch knew when to prioritize women and when to prioritize work, but he had a damn hard time wrenching his gaze away. Cassidy had long, healthy blond hair, covering her face at the moment. She had pink earrings with small stones in them, and was in the female Rocket Grunt outfit. The pink earrings with the red R on her uniform complimented her lips nicely. Females had the choice between a skirt or pants, and Cassidy was wearing her skirt. When she dove into the car it had lifted considerably, and Butch wasn't watching the road. She pulled herself up and saw Butch looking back. “Fucking drive, lame-ass!” she shouted, and then pulled her skirt down to cover herself. He laughed as he looked back at the road, shamelessly. He was grateful that he hadn’t hit anything in his lapse of judgement.

    Their car was a lot faster than their pursuer's, and soon Butch was jerking the wheel to the side, colliding into the car on his right and swerving back into his own lane again. They were getting dangerously close to Pewter, and unless they planned on fighting in the city, where the police would get involved, then this needed to be resolved soon. Butch heard Cassidy's seat unbuckle. “What the fuck are you doing?” He focused on taking the hits, trying to keep the car from swerving as Cassidy moved up into the passenger seat. Butch knew the right side of the car must look like a mess. Cassidy clipped her seatbelt again, and then she rolled down her window manually. She leaned back into the backseat, still clipped into the passenger, and reeled forward with a large, double-barrel shotgun. Butch's eyes widened. “I didn't even know we had one of those.”

    Cassidy gave a sexy, sinister laugh, and aimed it out of her open window. The other car came close, trying to swipe the Civic again, and when the two cars connected, the driver was just a foot and a half from Cassidy. The gun filled most of that distance. She heard him scream, and he even let go of the wheel to try and shield his face. The shotgun blast was loud and drowned out all noise, deafening Butch and Cassidy. When she came back to her senses, she saw the driver had large holes in both of his forearms, and he was reeling backward. He must have either been dead, or in shock, because he didn't scream anymore. The cars were driving alongside one another, the sound of metal ripping metal filling the air as their hearing returned simultaneously. Cassidy held the shotgun in her left hand, while her right reached into the other car, grabbing the steering wheel. She pushed it away from her, and pulled her hand away as the car swerved off the street. The two watched it collide into a freeway sign, telling them they were about to enter Pewter. There was also a hitchhiker walking by, about fifteen years old. A young blond kid wearing a straw hat, who walked over to the damaged car, inspected it as Butch watched him grow smaller in the rearview mirror, arriving in Pewter.

    When they got there they went through a car wash, to eliminate the blood that had back-sprayed from the driver. Butch got out his cell and called Sabrina, who told them to ditch the car. She also wasn't happy about Dundee's death but understood the situation was fucked. “I want the two of you to return to Route 2 in a new car and check the two crash sites. See if anyone is still alive. If they are, put 'em in your trunk and come straight to Saffron. Don't make any stops, because I don't want anything to go wrong. Call me if you can't find anybody.”

    “Where do we get another car?” Butch asked.

    “Go to the Museum. Meet with Mondo. He'll give you his car.” Sabrina hung up without so much as a good luck, or a have a nice day. Cassidy looked at Butch warily.

    “Mondo?” She sighed.

    ---

    Ash had walked Route 2, and didn't see much. Two cars had gone speeding by drastically faster than the other vehicles, but he didn't pay them any attention. Eventually, he came to a fork. He could keep walking in the sun, along the road, or he could take the bike path through Viridian Forest. The forest also had a warning sign about wild Pokémon. Ash decided he'd much rather walk in the shade and fight wild Pokémon.

    The decision was moot, Ash went through unharmed. Most of the wildlife seemed more afraid of the passers-by than anyone else would be of them. The Pokémon in this area seemed to be meek and more like squirrels and raccoons than like real Pokémon. 'Why don't they evolve on their own?' Ash had so much to learn about the world again, but he found himself a lot more curious about the habits of Pokémon than he used to. Viridian Forest's canopy was fairly dense, but it was light enough for Ash to genuinely enjoy his surroundings. 'What dictates the levels of wild Pokémon in a certain area? Why is Viridian Forest full of ridiculously weak Pokémon, while Mount Silver has Pokémon too powerful for trainers with less than eight badges?' Ash mused as he walked through, lost in thought.

    Pikachu and Ash exited Viridian Forest unmolested, and were even quite bored. Eventually, Ash sent out Addle. He enjoyed spending time with it. ('Him or her? Too soon to tell.') It flew around in arcs over Ash's and Pikachu's head, and then Ash realized he'd never named his Pokémon before. He looked at Pikachu. He couldn't imagine calling her anything else.

    The forest came and went, and when Ash stepped out of it he was right next to the highway again. The sun was bright, and while Viridian Forest wasn't opaque like Ilex forest, it was still quite dark. Ash walked along it, and eventually he saw two things: The first was a highway sign informing drivers that Pewter was only 5 miles away. It was still a couple hours for Ash, but no more than ten or fifteen minutes, he figured, for those who were vehicularly gifted. Meshed beautifully into the steel pole holding up the sign was the grill of a small compact car. From a distance the scene looked fresh. Ash looked both ways down the street. Cars were speeding by at 60 or more, so he called Addle back into its ball. He picked Pikachu up in his arms, and she cheerfully watched as Ash froggered his way through traffic.

    His curiosity had him like a wrestler giving a choke-hold. Ash couldn't even breathe. That was a separate account though. Ash looked inside the car and saw a man sitting in the driver's seat. His arms and face were blotched with holes, big and small, and he was covered in blood, his shirt, his slacks, he was soaked in it. He was dead. Ash covered Pikachu's eyes, while her small hands playfully covered his hands as she squeaked, pretending to guess who he was. Then Ash averted his gaze, looking into the backseat. The floor of the car seemed to be littered in guns with no clips, clips with no bullets, and spent shells. Suddenly, he felt like he was looking at something that was none of his business. Like whatever had happened to this man he probably brought upon himself.

    Also in the backseat was another corpse-
    No. It wasn't. He was moving. He looked up at him, and it was a boy, a teenage boy. Ash jumped as they made eye contact, and the kid let himself out of the car. “Get the fuck outta here!” The boy shouted. He sounded like he hadn't hit puberty yet, despite that he looked to be about fifteen. Ash took a few startled steps back. Pikachu jumped down and growled at the boy. “Get lost!” He shouted again. “All o' this shit is mine!”

    “Yours?” Ash said, feeling confused. “There's a dead body in that car! You have to call the police if it's yours!”

    “What are you stupid? Not the body.” The boy grimaced a bit. “I guess you can have the body, but the rest of it is mine, alright?”

    “Why would I want the body?”

    “I don't wanna know. Just leave me be while I grab all of my shit, alright?” Ash and Pikachu stood next to one another, each seemingly dumbfounded by the young boy. He had blond hair sticking out from beneath a straw hat. He wore overalls and carried a camping backpack and a duffel bag. He was taking his belongings out of each and replacing them with the guns from the backseat. Once he'd filled to his heart’s content, he crawled back out of the car.

    “I'm not done here yet. Since you're still standing around for whatever reason, mind watching the car for me while I'm gone?”

    “Where are you going?”

    “Into Pewter to sell these.”

    “Pewter is still five miles away.”

    “Yah, but I'll hitchhike so I'll be there soon.”

    Ash shook his head no. “I don't know you. I don't even trust you. I'm not trying to stand here by a totaled car with a dead body and guns in it. Fuck off.” Ash hadn't meant to swear, and he immediately took a step back, mindful of the traffic not too far behind him. Why had he said that?

    “Hey, wait a minute. You have a backpack.” The boy said. “Pack up the rest of it for me, and I'll make you a deal.” Ash was going to walk away, but once again, he found himself willed to stay. The boy took advantage of his hesitation. “We'll have a Pokémon battle. You win, I'll give you one of the Pokémon I found on the dead guy. You lose, you help me carry the guns into town.”

    “You stole his Pokémon?”

    “Yah. Sure. I stole a dead guy's Pokémon. I'm sure he had so much use for them.” Ash felt like he had a point. Still, the boy was bad news. That only helped his case though. If he lost Ash was headed to Pewter regardless, and if he did win, then the Pokémon would probably be in better hands with Ash than with the young man. “Well?” He said expectantly.

    Ash looked at Pikachu. Sparks cackled and her fur stood up. She understood what was going on. “You're on.”
    Last edited by Tonberry_King; 14th August 2012 at 8:04 PM.

  18. #18
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    There was some grammar stuff. That isn't my thing, so I'll leave it to a grammar review, as I have terrible grammar myself and would be doomed without spell/grammar chec.

    I normally don't do chapter by chapter, preferring to wait a week or two for some of my more in-depth reviews. However, I'll do what I can. Also, if you haven't noticed, I can come off as really sucking up, or really critical depending on the day/review. I have no idea where this review is going, but please keep in mind that I probably don't mean either, with only a few exceptions.

    -Different style: This chapter had a completely different style than all of the others. While some moments in the past have focused on another character for a brief period of time, this chapter spent almost its entire length describing other characters. I'm not saying this is a bad thing, but you tend to do much better in first person. For example, you already have a slight problem with Ash knowing things he normally couldn't. That problem is quite a bit worse when you write in third person, although it's simply called information dump when you leak too much in third person. This also ties into 'show, not tell' which you don't really have a major problem with.

    For example: when you introduce the Rocket Exec, you could introduce her from the way Green feels more so than an information dump. For example, you could describe Green's reaction to a line of dialogue, including an unnatural creepiness about her ______, or rumors of her reputation ________, instead of just stating "Sird was ________ and did ______." It just flows better if you aren't information dumping.

    For example, "Green couldn't shake the uneasy feeling about the third occupant of the car, the Legendary Beast of Team Rocket known only as Sird. Everything seemed wrong; from the heartless aura she gave off that seemed to chill the room, to her sickly blue skin that was appeared completely unnatural."

    This is a matter of style, but it does seem better than information dump. Also, even in third person it's normally best to have a 'central figure' who you can take as the viewer of the situation, and record things as they would view them. I can't think up a good example, but... you've probably seen it somewhere, and there are a few great stories on this site that demonstrate it. Also, a central figure in third person does reduce the 'information dump' tenancy. Also, take some of my advice with a grain of salt, as it is a style thing, and I don't normally do third person.

    As for the rest, I haven't seen enough of your third-person style to conclusively review. I like some of the developments in the plot, and can't wait to see where they go. Keep up the good work.
    The Flash Drive of Champions: Backgrounds

    There are many reasons to journey in the Pokemon World. It turns out that banishment, Bond Villains, unbeatable rivals and being forced to attend one dance too many are among them.

    File 2.5 is up. Gela literally puts on a show for the world to see while elsewhen her world is shattered beyond repair.

  19. #19

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    I kinda get what you're saying, but the whole story has been in third person. Do you mean transitioning to a third perspective? And I'll certainly take what you said into consideration while I rewrite the first three episodes with Breezy's critiques.

  20. #20
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    *facepalm* I feel really bad. I'd actually gotten so caught up in those two paragraphs, I forgot what tense the story was in... I meant third perspective... and that was the only time I saw that pop up as a problem. Wow. I feel really bad that I forgot what tense the story was in when I reviewed it. I should probably... I don't know... Give me a while to finish that sentance...
    The Flash Drive of Champions: Backgrounds

    There are many reasons to journey in the Pokemon World. It turns out that banishment, Bond Villains, unbeatable rivals and being forced to attend one dance too many are among them.

    File 2.5 is up. Gela literally puts on a show for the world to see while elsewhen her world is shattered beyond repair.

  21. #21

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    Hahaha. No worries. I hope you come to like the changing perspectives- it happens quite frequently from here on out. The exception being that the last two chapters go back to just things going on with Ash, rather than random Rockets and such. Coming up though, we'll have:

    Green/Gingie
    Butch/Cassidy
    Keane/Chermaine
    Mondo/Kaede
    The Three Beasts

    So we'll have a lot of transitioning, since that excludes anyone who isn't a Rocket member. On top of that, there's Ash/Yellow and Samuel/Blue. And eventually each gym leader makes an appearance too. =o

  22. #22
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    =\ You tell me. I haven't watched the anime since 1999, so if that's wrong, then you'd know before I would. I was under the impression that in the Diamond/Pearl arc of the show, he wandered Sinnoh with Dawn and a little kid named Max. Untrue?
    You're a little off. In Hoenn, Ash traveled with Brock, a girl named May and her little brother, Max. In Sinnoh, Ash traveled with Brock and Dawn.

    Anyway, I would respond to your response to my review, but that would make this post too long. =P But thanks for taking the time to respond so thoroughly and taking my critiques with open arms.

    Sird was one of the legendary Three Beasts. Three executives of Team Rocket deployed as a unit to resolve any situation. They were the best in Rocket Enterprises. Sird was the mastermind of them. She came up with the plans; the brains necessary in any endeavor. She was tall, even when sitting, a slender 6'3”. Her skin was pale and gaunt, and her hair was black, except when she was under artificial light, in which case it looked reflectively blue. She was not a beautiful woman.
    I must admit the codename did throw me off guard. (It might be because I just came from reading another Team Rocket story that dealt with a premise of pokemon-turned-human.) I was like, “Whoa, what is a legendary beast doing in here!” But then I realized, dur hur, that that’s a codename. I think my confusion was because you separate the codename from its descriptor (“Three executives of Team Rocket”). I’m actually not sure if the descriptor is a complete sentence …

    “Pale and gaunt” is repetitive. If you mean “gaunt” as in “angular, skinny”, that makes no sense. Skin isn’t angular, bones are. And even then, you’re still repetitive because you already mentioned Sird is slender in the sentence before.

    I do like how you’re handling Sird as someone who is strict and, to an extent, scary. You can tell that Gingie and Green are slightly intimidated.

    He wasn't wearing a shirt, or a belt so his pants were baggy. When he saw Ash he stood, and when he stood he had to hold his jeans by a belt loop.
    Eh, this is kind of repetitive, too. If he had to hold his pants up when he stood, we can assume that his pants are baggy.

    “Mornin'.” Orm said casually with a mouthful of fruit. Ash waved a sleepy hello from his bed and lazily looked about himself. He felt like crap, slept like it. “What'd you ever do with that Spearow?”

    “It was a Pidgey.” Ash corrected him.
    You’re shaky with dialogue punctuation/capitalization in this chapter, much more so than the earlier episodes which is kind of weird. To reiterate, anything that explains how the dialogue is spoken, like “he said” or “he yelled/murmured/whispered” is still connected to the actual dialogue (read “Orm said casually with a mouthful of fruit” as its own sentence and you’ll realize that it’s incomplete). Thus, the two should be connected with a comma if the dialogue doesn’t end with a question mark, exclamation point, or ellipses.

    With that said, the period after “Mornin’” and “Pidgey” should be a comma. You also told me that you were treating pokemon names as common nouns. If you are, “pidgey” should be lowercase because you’re treating it as a common noun here. I do like your nickname for the pidgey though. Addle. Has a nice ring to it. =P That entire scene was slightly heartwarming in a way; I’m starting to really like Orm. He is a bit of a goofy and, in some ways, a hot mess, but he seems generally a nice guy with some shady characteristics and tie-ins. I wonder if that’s going to change later in this story.

    Butch was in the driver seat, flooring the '00 Civic. He kept looking out of his window, the air blowing his face about in a contorted hall-of-mirrors effect that would have looked horrifying if there hadn't been any wind.
    I actually like this crazy metaphor for once. XP It’s pleasing to read for some reason. I also like the little hair maintenance description after this line, too.

    Point was, going as fast as Butch was down Route 2, when Cassidy had thrown him from the car he had no chance.
    The weird clause connections and the ambiguous pronouns of “him” and “he” kind of made this sentence more confusing than necessary. It kind of took me a few reads to realize that “he” isn’t “Butch” but the gambler guy (I think). The entire thing, IMO, could use some rephrasing.

    In the backseat, Cassidy had one of the doors open and was firing out of it and the two pursuing vehicles. Keeping them at bay.
    I’m not positive, but do you mean “at” where “and” is? You might want to considering connecting the “keeping them at bay” sentence with the previous sentence because A) it’s incomplete and B) I see no reason why you needed to separate it from the previous sentence. (Short, incomplete sentences are okay if there’s some sort of importance to it, like there’s a reason why you wanted to stress it.)

    I do like the way you structured this entire sequence and how you started with an ambiguous conclusion (some dude was pushed out for some reason) and then slowly explained what was going on in order to catch up with the conclusion you introduced at the beginning of this scene. All of the buildup was rather nice, actually; at first it reads like Butch is driving down calmly just to get to a location, but then we slowly build up to us going fast, then we slowly build up to us going fast while there’s a shootout going on between two cars.

    I do love that you made Butch and Cassidy so much more badass (with Cassidy being a sexy badass). Well, I mean compared to Jessie and James in the Johto-Sinnoh arc, they were usually a little more serious (and even then, I think they taken less seriously over time. I don’t know; I haven’t watched the anime in a while either =P). The braking scene was executed well. Such a clever move on Butch’s part.

    Butch pulled away and looked back at Cassidy.

    She had long, healthy blond hair that was in split into two long ponytails. She had pink earrings with small stones in them, and was in the female Rocket Grunt outfit. Females had the choice between a skirt or pants, and Cassidy was wearing her skirt.
    Weird, weird place to describe. I think you’re probably sick of me saying this, but you really pick really awkward time to describe a character. This is more apparent because we are, literally, in the middle of a fast-paced sequence. You might catch that her hair is a mess, but I don’t think you would look at her earrings (not unless she was missing one or something). So there are ways to describe a character in the middle of an action scene; you just got to be a little more creative with it so it blends in better with the action.

    This is a little random, but wasn’t Cassidy shot in the shoulder? How is she able to maneuver around so easily, not unless she’s used to the pain of being shot? It might a little more believable if you said a bullet grazed her instead. I mean, it’ll still hurt a little, sure, but at least it’ll be a little more believable that she’s able to do all of this stuff.

    Her focused on taking the hits
    He

    She heard him scream, and he even let go of the wheel to try and shield his face. The shotgun blast was loud and drowned at all noise as it deafened Butch and Cassidy. When she came back to her senses, she saw the driver had large holes in both of his forearms, and he was reeling backward.
    This is a little weird because you entirely wrote this section in Butch’s perspective but we suddenly switched to Cassidy. It’s not really a problem because you’re allowed that flexibility in third person; it’s just the choice to do it now is kind of random.

    … and here is why you have a R-rating, huh? Haha. It’s sick, yes, but described nicely. =P

    Cassidy held the shotgun in her left hand, while her right reached into the other car, grabbing the steering wheel. She pushed it away from her, and pulled her hand away as the car swerved off the street.
    Okay, you might have to clarify this for me because I seriously don’t get the placement of … like anything. Is the driver’s side on the right side of the car or the left? I don’t think that matters. Let’s just say the driver’s side is on the right. So Cassidy in the passenger’s seat would be on the left. When she went to fire at the gun, the gun went across Butch (hence his screaming), so the other car had to be on the right (the driver’s side). So how could she just reach over to the other car and turn the steering wheel? Not unless she leaned across Butch or something … Either way, I think you’re missing something or something is out of whack (could be my mind).

    There was also a hitchhiker walking by, about fifteen years old. A young blond boy wearing a straw hat.
    Last sentence isn’t a complete sentence. You might want to merge it another sentence in this paragraph.

    “I want the two of you to return to Route 2 in an new car and check the two crash sites.
    A

    He could keep walking in the Sun,
    “Sun” doesn’t need to be capitalized. You only capitalize celestial bodies if they’re written with other celestial bodies, like Earth or Mars.

    Meshed beautifully into the steel pole holding up the sign was the grill of a small compact car. From a distance the scene looked fresh. Ash looked both ways down the street. Cars were speeding by at 60 or more, so he called Addle back into its ball. He picked Pikachu up in his arms, and she cheerfully watched as Ash froggered his way through traffic.
    Haha, I love this bit, from the description of the highway sign or the fact that you made “Frogger” a verb.

    Ash covered Pikachu's eyes, while her small hands playfully covered his hands as she squeaked, pretending to guess who he was.
    Haha, such a weird time to say it, but that’s adorable.

    Once he'd filled to his hearts content, he crawled back out of the car.
    Heart’s

    Your story is definitely a lot grittier than its anime counterpart but at the same time it’s rather charming. You have a wide variety of colorful characters, from Ash to Green to Butch & Cassidy to even this blond-haired kid. Like before, you know how and when to incorporate humor and more light-hearted dialogue during what was a gruesome or intense scene. You don’t overdo it either where it becomes sort of tacky. Same applies to your action scenes; you handled them quite well and they seemed serious enough without going into melodramatics.

    The scene with Ash aimlessly wandering around was kind of flat, though. I felt like you could have done much more with it besides just going from point A to point B. Even random musing from Ash’s thoughts would give the narrative a nice flair. I’m sure he had to be thinking of something during that walk. ;P
    Last edited by Breezy; 11th March 2011 at 1:03 AM. Reason: I really should proofread my reviews >_>

  23. #23

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    Thanks for the critique. Let it be known that I have replaced the first four chapters with revised versions, taking all of my feedback into consideration. Enjoy the fifth chapter.

    Episode 5: Fresh

    Mondo walked out of the museum, breathing in the fresh air of Pewter. The city was clean and had a strong artistic flair that Mondo absolutely adored. As he was about to get into his car, he heard his ringtone start up. Mondo never got calls from anybody except his mother, and his bosses. He never knew who to hope for. Luckily, or unluckily, Mondo had missed four calls during his shift, all from the same person. He hoped the problem would go away. It was his boss, Sabrina, calling him. Yes, he’d just gotten off work. This was a different work. Mondo checked his caller ID. Much to his dismay, it was Sabrina. She told him Butch and Cassidy were on their way, and he was to loan them his car. As much as Mondo enjoyed the company of the two grunts, Mondo protested.

    “I have things to do today- I need my car,” Mondo said. “They'll have to find another way.”

    “Another way to transport a hostage?” Sabrina said with in incredulous tone. Mondo faltered. “How about this,” she said, “you let them use your car for this mission. You'll get it back in three days, and we'll pay for any damages, as well as put you on a mission.” Now Mondo couldn't say no. 'A mission?' he thought. 'My first mission?!' He could no longer contain himself.

    “Really?” he said too enthusiastically. Sabrina cringed on the other line. “Who will I be working with?” Before she could respond, he asked, “And what will we be doing? Are we going to kill someone, or steal something expensive?”

    “Mondo,” she said calmly. “Shut the fuck up.” He did. “You'll get your mission later today.” Sabrina hung up on him after that, and Mondo stood dazed in the parking lot.

    “Woah,” he said. “It's finally happening.” He brushed a hand through his auburn hair, which was decently short. Mondo wasn’t complicated, but he was irregular. In order to understand him, one must first acknowledge that he acted a decade younger than he really was. Not so bad if someone is forty, but Mondo is nineteen. He was a momma's boy, he'd been told, but that irritated him. He felt he wasn't- he couldn't stand his mother. She just had nobody else to take care of her. Mondo had joined Team Rocket as a way to get some excitement in his life, but once he'd joined he'd only been on Contact Duty. Mondo hated Contact Duty.

    A car pulled around, its front bumper looked mangled and shouldn't have been holding on any more. Butch and Cassidy got out, and Cassidy seemed to be looking everywhere except at Mondo. “Heya, guys,” he said. Butch looked down at him.

    “How're ya doin', Mondo?” Butch sounded like he didn't want to be there. It made Mondo wonder why Sabrina was making them do it. Maybe they had some time, and would like to grab lunch. That'd cheer them up. Maybe they'd pay, too.

    “Actually, I'm great. I'm going to get my first mission, and I don't know who it's with but I hope it could be with you guys, but probably not since you're leaving, but I'm supposed to find out later today.” Mondo stopped to breathe. Cassidy was clenching and unclenching her fists at her sides. “You guys don't know anything about that do you?

    “No, Mondo, we don't,” Butch said flatly. He held his hand out, and Mondo looked down at it. He was still holding his keys in his hand. Mondo let go of them over Butch's open palm, and Butch walked past him and opened the driver's side door. “Good luck on that, though, Mondo,” Butch said. Cassidy was already at the passenger door, tapping on the window for Butch to let her in.

    “Can you guys not smoke in there, by the way?” Mondo said while Butch locked and unlocked the doors, laughing. He rolled down his window. “My mom will be able to smell it, and it bothers her nose.” Butch laughed, but it wasn't negatively. Just like Mondo was a bit too naďve at times. He finally let Cassidy in, and as they began to pull away, he stopped and leaned his head out of the open window.

    “There will be plenty worse things in this car than cigarettes, Mondo.” Butch glanced at Cassidy, who was trying to ignore them until Mondo was gone. “Like her.” Mondo laughed loudly, and Cassidy cringed.

    “So you won't smoke in it?” He repeated afterward.

    “I can't promise anything.” They drove away in Mondo's Focus, and Mondo stood in the parking lot. He hadn't even noticed Butch hand him his keys, but he looked at the Civic, and realized this was his way home. While Cassidy swore in the Focus when she realized she forgot her shotgun, Mondo got in the driver's seat and saw a large double-barrel covered in blood. He didn't know weapons well, but he knew it was recently used.

    “Maybe you'll come in handy on my first mission...” Mondo said, lightly licking his bottom lip. Mondo drove straight home and immediately wiped the gun down with a rag. He sat in his room with it in his lap, trying to see the intricacies of it. How it works. He didn't go near the trigger. He remained as stone, and didn't even jump when the phone rang. He always jumped. He walked over to it and picked up the receiver. The house phone had a cord and was pink. His mom bought it.

    “May I ask who is speaking?” Mondo said.

    “This is Domino,” a beautiful voice replied.

    “This is Mondo.” he answered in the same monotone voice. His fingers tingled with excitement. 'Am I working with Domino, The Black Tulip?' He thought. 'She's one of the best!' “What can I do for you?” Mondo tried to sound professional. His demeanor was working, because Domino, meanwhile, was wondering why nobody could stand this guy.

    “I'm to brief you on your first mission,” she said. Mondo held back a squeal. “Transport yourself to Lavender. Meet on the northern end of Silence Bridge. A woman will be dressed in Rocket attire. She will be your partner. If your transportation is temporary, she will have a TR car, so don't worry about that.”

    “Will we need weaponry?” Mondo asked, his eyes looking at the gun on the end of his bed.

    “I wouldn't know,” Domino said with a smile, “but you can never bring too many guns, I always say.”

    “Well,” Mondo paused, not sure how to end the conversation. Not sure, because he found he didn't want to. Her heard Domino giggle on the other line.

    “Well?” She said back cutely.

    Mondo swallowed his insecurities. “Well, I hope to talk to you again sometime, Domino.”

    Domino blushed, but Mondo would never know it. She didn't say anything, wondering if he'd ask her out.

    “Er, Bye.” he said. Domino slouched a little, disappointed.

    “Bye,” she muttered, and hung up.

    'That sure went well!' Mondo thought. He walked over and grabbed the shotgun. He walked into the living room where his mother was watching soaps on television. She was a fragile old woman, in her mid-sixties, with the deteriorating health of a cancer patient. Mondo was sure she only adopted him to have company. Now she forgot who he was half of the time. 'She kind of always did that, though.' A voice in his head told him. 'Maybe she doesn't need you.'

    “I'm going out for a few days, Mom,” he said, “work needs me in Lavender for a conference.”

    “My baby is so important,” she said frailly, not taking her eyes off the television. Mondo smiled. 'Yes he is.'

    ---

    The teenager in the straw hat glowered at Ash. This guy looked easy. In fact, nobody could take him on. As with any trainer, he'd won and lost matches. But the matches he lost were because they didn't let him use Potoko. Ash, on the other hand, didn't know who or what Potoko was. The boy grabbed a pokéball from his hip. Pikachu stepped forward, fists up.

    'My first Pokémon battle.' Ash thought. 'I've gotta win this.' The pokéball hit the ground, bounced up, and a doduo came out of it. Ash had seen doduo before, but this was huge. Its two heads looked about curiously, and then down at Pikachu. Pikachu stood about two feet tall. This doduo towered over even Ash. He guessed it at about nine feet. Pikachu squeaked timidly.

    “Potoko!” the boy shouted, “Peck it!”

    The doduo's heads each leaned down, alternatively taking turns pecking at Pikachu, who was having a tough time dodging the attacks. Rolling from both beaks, Ash opened his mouth to yell a directive. Pikachu let loose a thunder-shock, as he intended for her to. Potoko lost its balance and stumbled backward into the sand. Ash, recovering from his surprise, opened his mouth again. Pikachu dashed forward, an invisible blur, and collided into the stumbling legs of the doduo. It toppled, and its necks became intertwined. They began squawking at one another, and one head pecked the other between the eyes. It became enraged and bit the other one on its neck.

    “Potoko,” The boy shouted in distress, “what the hell? I told you to stop doing that!” The young man ran over to his Pokémon, trying to break up its somewhat domestic dispute. He got bit on the hand in the struggle, and retreated, cradling it to his chest.

    Pikachu ran over, ready with a thunder-shock crackling along behind it. “No!” shouted the boy. “Leave him alone.” He took out his pokéball and returned it. His face was contorted with disappointment. He grabbed a pokéball from his side, one of the three, and tossed it to Ash. Ash looked at it, unsure. Did the boy even know what it was?

    “Empty out your backpack and start loading up guns,” he told Ash sullenly.

    “Wait a minute, I won!” He said in defense.

    “Yah, so I gave you a Pokémon. We never said you didn't still have to help me.” Ash was going to make something of it, but figured he seemed pretty down anyway.

    “What's your name?” Ash asked.

    “Yellow.”

    “Why do you scavenge wrecked cars?”

    “To sell the crap for money to buy food with. If I get a good find, then I'll rent a hotel room for a couple of days so I don't have to sleep outside.”

    “What about your parents?” He looked up at Ash, who was quite close now, since he was tucking guns and ammo into his bag side-by-side. Ash knew what it meant. “I'm sorry, then. I know how you feel.” The boy scoffed. “My mom died while I was in a coma. My dad left before I ever knew him.” Yellow looked up at Ash.

    “Maybe you do then. Why were you in a coma?” He suddenly asked, sounding happier. Ash answered in full, but Yellow didn't pity him for it at all. “That's super cool. You lived in a perfect world. Most people have to wait until they die for that.” Ash had never thought of it that way before. All of the guns were packed. Pikachu began shouting and waving her arms. A car went cruising by at more than ninety miles per hour. A red Ford Focus. Yellow shrugged, and they walked toward Pewter.

    ---

    Cassidy was rolling down her window. “I know we decided to go to the further scene first, but who were those scavengers at the other car?” Butch just shrugged. “They definitely weren't the ones in it. Too young.” Butch glanced over at Cassidy.

    “Does it matter?”

    “Yes it matters. What if they were getting rid of evidence?”

    “I don't think Sabrina is expecting anything anyway.” They'd arrived. Butch pulled over and let himself out of the car. The windshield had six holes in it, each spider-webbing cracks out a few inches. When looking inside, they found the driver had managed to crawl into the passenger seat and crack the door open an inch. His hand was still on the handle. The bullet hole in his neck explained why he bled out so quickly. In the backseat there was more blood. A bullet hole in the middle seat, too. Saturated. Cassidy called Butch's attention outside the car.

    “Looks like more than one person walked away from this.” She said, pointing to footprints in the sand. Butch came around the car and looked at them.

    “One was shot. The backseat has blood on it. His footprints look like he has a limp too.” Butch took out a cigarette, thinking. “We should be able to find them. We're at least ten miles away from Viridian or Pewter.”

    “Only question is,” Cassidy finished, “Did they go into the forest, or head to Viridian?” The duo got back into the car, rolling down all the windows for Mondo's mother's sake, and got back on the highway. “We shouldn't split up,” she said. “Being more likely to find them doesn't help if the one who does get's shot.” Butch nodded idly in agreement.

    “They might've called to get picked up too,” Butch said, “let's skip the forest and look for them along the highway.” The drive went quickly, but only because of the speed. Pewter may have only been ten miles away, but Viridian was still sixty. In forty-five minutes they got there, and hadn't see them. Twice they'd pulled over and checked to see if the footprints were still there. Luckily, they were. When they were almost there, they saw two men trying to cross the highway to get to a gift shop and some payphones. One had a limp. Cassidy smiled. Butch pulled out his .45 and aimed it out the window as he let off the gas, coming to a crawl. In the middle of the street, Butch shot a man who appeared to be helping someone through the head. The streets weren't busy, but they weren't dead. The few who were around scattered, and a woman screamed a block and a half down. Cassidy jumped out of the vehicle, training her pistol on the remaining man.

    “Let me see your weapon!” she shouted in an authoritative tone. The man was holding his hip with one hand, and with the other pulled a gun out of the back of his waistband slowly. He held it by the barrel and dropped it in front of him. He looked to be in pain. Butch was out next, stretching the duct tape roll his arm's width. The man kept looking at his dead comrade, and Cassidy worried that they were close. It passed, though. They tied his hands together, searched him, and then tied his legs. A few bystanders watched it happen, but nobody pulled out a phone. The Team Rocket uniforms spoke. Nobody else spoke up. The man was in the trunk, and Butch and Cassidy got back in the Focus and drove away from the scene. The man they left was picked up by an ambulance two hours later, when someone noticed his body and called the police.


    Green and Gingie were passing forties back and forth, having a good time. They were celebrating their acceptance, or at least it seemed to them they were in. As the limo had dropped them off, Sird remembered to give them something: Team Rocket Grunt uniforms. The solid black outfit looked great on them both, Green had said. Gingie, modestly, said that black was slimming. Pewter was a great place to go if you wanted to meet some unique people, and they drove around town looking for entertainment. Their uniforms were a matter of pride for them, and in their drunkenness, they wound up near the Pewter Gym, next to the highway entrance to Pewter. Gingie was driving at the time, while Green leaned far out the window. It was a quarter til six. The sun was still bright, but it was close to turning in.

    “Over there!” Green shouted.

    “Were we looking for something?” Gingie giggled.

    “I wanna scare some people,” she said, “and there's two guys right over there!” After pointing them out a block away, Gingie managed to take a U-turn and pull up next to them. One looked about twenty, maybe twenty-five. The other could have been his little brother, although his hair was blond, which contrasted with the elder's black; Green wasn't in a state of mind that paid attention to such details.

    Gingie laid on the horn, which caused both males to jump from their skin. “You boys lookin' for trouble?” Green said. The two looked up at her.

    “Rockets?” Yellow said. “You gals want some firepower?”
    Last edited by Tonberry_King; 14th August 2012 at 8:15 PM.

  24. #24
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    Personally I have never heard of the pokemon coma theory, but I think that I get the idea of it from your what I've read. It is an interesting question and in all honesty I love reading to learn a story; it's art. Although it's not my forte, I can point out some simple mistakes that I saw and what actually entertained me about this chapter as the other's have already been addressed. So here's my review on episode 5:

    Mondo was nineteen, but he wasn’t an adult, in the .
    Okay, this here is an incomplete sentence. The only reason this should be like this is if something catches his attention from finishing his thought. So what isn't he an adult in?

    Mondo had joined Team Rocket as a way to get some excitement in his life, but once he'd joined he'd only been on Contact Duty. Mondo hated Contact Duty.

    A silver Honda Civic pulled up, its front bumper looked mangled and shouldn't have been holding on any more.
    What you do really well is addressing the amount of time it takes from one event to another, but here it seems almost instintaneous after the call which really isn't realistic.

    “I wouldn't know,” Domino said with a smile, “but you can never bring too many guns, I always say.”
    Why can't more girls be that awesome and sound extremelly sexy?

    “My baby is so important,” she said frailly, not taking her eyes off the television. Mondo smiled. 'Yes he is.'
    All I can picture now is that Mondo is going to be a total BA in this fic.

    He guessed it at about nine feet. Pikachu chirped timidly.
    Did you mean he guessed it had to be about nine feet? I'm no expert but I don't think pikachu is a bird and would squeek before chirping but hey it's all the more funnier.

    “Rockets?” Yellow said. “You gals want some firepower?”
    This can be used as a character building moment, so why not add something that gives him the feel that he smirks or something like it upon realizing their rockets and he was looking exactly for people like them?

    Well, that's all I can pointout and hope it helped and I look forward to reading more of this if you continue writing it.
    Last edited by celestial phantom; 10th December 2011 at 12:42 AM.
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  25. #25

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    Quote Originally Posted by celestial phantom View Post
    Personally I have never heard of the pokemon coma theory, but I think that I get the idea of it from your what I've read. It is an interesting question and in all honesty I love reading to learn a story; it's art. Although it's not my forte, I can point out some simple mistakes that I saw and what actually entertained me about this chapter as the other's have already been addressed. So here's my review on episode 5:



    Okay, this here is an incomplete sentence. The only reason this should be like this is if something catches his attention from finishing his thought. So what isn't he an adult in?
    Oh. xD I remember trying to edit that sentence. Didn't realize I never finished it. Thanks. That's an embarrassing mistake.

    Quote Originally Posted by celestial phantom View Post
    What you do really well is addressing the amount of time it takes from one event to another, but here it seems almost instintaneous after the call which really isn't realistic.
    I see what you're saying. I had something in mind when writing that, but I didn't write it out. I'll fix that right up.

    Quote Originally Posted by celestial phantom View Post
    Why can't more girls be that awesome and sound extremelly sexy?



    All I can picture now is that Mondo is going to be a total BA in this fic.
    I try to make all of the girls badass in their own way, while simultaneously making sure they aren't all the exact same character over and over. And I assure you, Mondo does become a badass, although his time with TR is going to be...short-lived.

    Quote Originally Posted by celestial phantom View Post
    Did you mean he guessed it had to be about nine feet? I'm no expert but I don't think pikachu is a bird and would squeek before chirping but hey it's all the more funnier.
    Yah, that's not phrased well. Good call.

    Quote Originally Posted by celestial phantom View Post
    This can be used as a character building moment, so why not add something that gives him the feel that he smirks or something like it upon realizing their rockets and he was looking exactly for people like them?

    Well, that's all I can pointout and hope it helped and I look forward to reading more of this if you continue writing it.
    Yellow is actually going to be a main character for many chapters to come, so his character building is on its way. I just like to end my chapters definitively.

    Thanks a bunch for reading. Did you read the first four chapters, or just check out the newest addition? And I'm glad you enjoyed it.

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