BLACKJACK0202 used WALL OF TEXT!
He sounds like a cool guy that attractive women would want to have sex with.
the inspiration for this story was a theory a friend showed me
Melodramatic. It may have been okay when you've established that this is a high-quality fanfic, but this early on it only serves as a red flag.
machines that were wildly beeping and whirring with the sounds of sirens like wailing souls in Hell.
garbage spilling out like doves fleeing from a magician's hat
I see what you did there.
“Hoenn.” He answered. “That was like five years back now though. I think his daughter took over for him.”
Random evil grin?
He grinned a little sinisterly,
I feel like, if this wasn't prose, there would be a little info card popping up with every new character, like in Scott Pilgrim or something. :P
She had the brains necessary for any endeavor. She was tall, even when sitting, a slender 6'3”. Her skin was gaunt, and her hair was black
This a bit awkward, seeing as we haven't seen anything regarding her outlook. It would be lessened if it was reworded to be a direct opinion of Green's, but it would still need some work.
There was something about this woman that didn't seem human. Perhaps it was her notoriously inhumane outlook on life.
eating a small bowl of sitrus berries.
I'm pretty sure I see what you there, too. If I'm right, this was a deliciously subtle shout-out.
“I think I want to name it Addle.”
This is weird. Did he say, "Good luck, then, Ash. Stranger. I hope you find..." or "Good luck, then, Ash. Stranger, I hope you find..."
“Good luck, then, Ash. Stranger,” he said, chuckling lightly to himself. “I hope you find...
Because if the former is true, why did he say that? And if the latter is true, why did you break it up so strangely?
Yikes. The "redlining" sentence is so misplaced. You have the topic switch from "Nowhere is safe" to "My car is going fast" to "We're everywhere" to "He was killed because we're going fast". It's awkward and confusing.
It didn't matter. Nowhere was safe when you owed Team Rocket money. Butch saw that he was redlining the speedometer, going much faster than its top speed of 150 mph. Kanto was all Rocket territory, and they'd recently expanded across the mountain range into Johto as well. The Boss had even sent a few grunts into the Sevii Islands to try and tap in on the tourism profit.
Point was, going as fast as Butch was down Route 2, when Cassidy had thrown Dundee from the car he had no chance.
You don't have to remind us of the brand. "...showed up, firing at them." or "...showed up, firing at the car."
Their plans were impeded upon when these two cars showed up, firing into the Civic.
Or are you getting ad revenue?
Flipped a what now?
One car flipped a *****, spinning on its back wheels until it was facing them.
Butch's Honda Civic had hit 95 when he rear-ended them.
HERP DERP SHE'S PURTY
Butch knew when to prioritize women and when to prioritize work, but he had a damn hard time wrenching his gaze away. Cassidy had long, healthy blond hair that was split into two long ponytails. She had pink earrings with small stones in them, and was in the female Rocket Grunt outfit. The pink earrings with the red R on her uniform complimented her lips nicely. Females had the choice between a skirt or pants, and Cassidy was wearing her skirt.
What the-? Why is "****ing" not censored, when "***" is? :S
“****ing drive, lame-***!”
I am convinced that Honda is cutting you a check.
The other car came close, trying to swipe the Civic again,
This irritates me, but only because I figured Sabrina to be the type of woman to enunciate all of her words properly. It's your story, so whatever, but I wanted to voice my displeasure.
Frankly, this whole action scene was very sloppy, whih is odd considering that the Pokemon fights described in previous chapters were done excellently.
I like that allusion. I also like that I got to use the word "allusion".
Ash froggered his way through traffic.
Good lord, man. You are just not very good at writing similes that sound natural.
His curiosity had him like a wrestler giving a choke-hold.
Over-visualization. You could have said "His face and arms were blotched with holes, and he was soaked in blood."
His arms and face were blotched with holes, big and small, and he was covered in blood, his shirt, his slacks, he was soaked in it.
We aren't dumb. We can draw the conclusion that this is the guy Cassidy just blew away.
This is adorable. Not just Pikachu being cute, but that Ash is trying to protect her from the grisly scene.
Ash covered Pikachu's eyes, while her small hands playfully covered his hands as she squeaked, pretending to guess who he was.
This exchange was great.
“I guess you can have the body, but the rest of it is mine, alright?”
“Why would I want the body?”
“I don't wanna know.
These breaks to describe characters are a bit jarring. A few basic notes like "He had blond hair sticking out from beneath a straw hat. He was emptying out a duffel bag and replacing them with the guns from the backseat." are sufficient.
He had blond hair sticking out from beneath a straw hat. He wore overalls and carried a camping backpack and a duffel bag.
Oh my god. Really?
As he was about to get into his '02 Ford Focus,
This is how you characterize. Good work.
“There will be plenty worse things in this car than cigarettes, Mondo.” Butch glanced at Cassidy, who was trying to ignore them until Mondo was gone. “Like her.” Mondo laughed loudly, and Cassidy cringed.
“So you won't smoke in it?” He repeated afterward.
(even though "afterward" is unnecessary)
They drove away in his Focus, and Mondo stood in the parking lot. He hadn't even noticed Butch hand him his keys, but he looked at the Civic, and realized this was his way home. While Cassidy swore in the Focus when she realized she forgot her shotgun,
Would a person ever really say "transport yourself"?
“Transport yourself to Lavender.
Unless this is an official nickname for their cars (similar to "batmobile"), this term is awkward-sounding. "Tee arr car" sounds awful. Something like "she will have a company car" would be more pleasing to the ear and would add a touch of coy elegance to the sentence.
Excuse me as I break a wine bottle over this ship.
Domino blushed, but Mondo would never know it. She didn't say anything, wondering if he'd ask her out.
Awkwardly phrased. A good alternative would be something like "She was sixty-four, but looked ninety-four."
in her mid-sixties, with the deteriorating health of being in her nineties.
The "somewhat" is unnecessary. The joke flows better without it.
its somewhat domestic dispute.
So you genderswapped Yellow? Is there a reason for this?
Please tell me that this sentence only exists to play up Mondo's mommy issues.
It was his baby. 'A baby that I don't breastfeed.' He thought.
First, I would break these two points into two separate sentences. Second, I would just say the sign was an exit sign, then later mention that he was stopping at Vermillion.
He heard his ringtone go off as he passed a sign telling him to keep left in order to reach Vermillion.
I had her figured for a King of Fighters gal, myself.
“That wasn't a Killer Instinct reference, was it?”
As a side note, Domino is very unprofessional.
This exchange is hilarious.
“Sent to- Oh, you were a Contact *****?"
“Sorry. You were on Contact Duty?”
“You call us,” Mondo paused, disliking the word, “*****es?”
“Not me,” she said defensively, “Everyone else.”
“Everyone calls me a Contact *****?!”
Because obviously Mondo is just dripping with charisma.
She couldn't help but say yes though.
Oh my god. I had decided to stop commenting on all your auto product placement, as my point had already been made numerous times, but this one is just too ridiculous. How the hell would Ash know what kind of car she was driving?
leaning out of this Alfa Romeo 159
"Is that a potion in your pocket or are you just happy to see me? *wonk*"
“Depends on how big your guns are.” Green gave a not-so-subtle wink.
It bothered Ash somewhere inside of him, that she never noticed him.
I like where this is going.
“With the- Ohhh.” Ash could hear the professor laughing on the other line. “Livin' the life, huh, Ash? Enjoy yourself okay?” 'Enjoy myself?' Ash thought.
This is excellent.
When he opened the door, Green stood before him, leaning on the door-jam, swaying the slightest bit, and grinning like a fool. She walked into the bathroom with him, and tried to pull him to her. Confused, Ash moved backward, and before she could protest, her eyes went wide and she lifted the toilet seat. She lowered her face to it and let loose what she'd had that day. Ash turned his face away, mortified.
Mental Disorder #1: Comfort in others' discomfort.
You almost ALMOST had a physical description that didn't sound like an infodrop. But you're improving, which is what's important, I suppose.
Keane was the definition. He had dark brown, short yet wavy hair. His eyes, Chermaine swore, glittered more than street pavement on the hottest of days. He was 6' on the dot, and when she stood close to him, they were the perfect height away from one another to match one of those romantic scenes in movies where she stands on her tippy-toes, but just barely, and can lean into him enough to lift one leg back while she loses herself in his gentle kiss.
Hahahaha. Wow, I just-- oh, man. Wow.
90210 meets Smokin' Aces. Boy Meets World meets Lucky#Slevin.
Also, points for referencing L#S, even if you would have benefitted from a less esoteric reference.
This is overlong. It could have read, "They'd closed it to avoid suspicion from anyone. If the target had noticed, they would have surely been killed." and it would have been just as effective.
They'd closed it to avoid suspicion from anyone, perhaps if the target noticed then they'd bust into their own home guns blazing. Then they'd find the arsenic on Chermaine's dead body, since Keane had given it back, and they'd cleanse their entire home. Effectively, the two would have lost their lives for nothing gained.
I've never seen anyone reach up with their face before.
Chermaine reached up with her gloved hands, her masked face, her hidden figure.
This is just ew. "Padded footsteps sounded like a sledgehammer slamming into a concrete wall. Slamming into her mind."
Padded footsteps sounded like a sledgehammer slamming into a concrete wall, slamming into the concrete skull that held her mind.
Another failed simile.
She was frozen in place like ancient statues of lost civilizations, remaining long after any figure of their time.
I don't like this sentence at all. Does Chermaine recognize the Three Beasts for who they are? Was it really necessary to specify what they were "armed to the teeth" with? Is machete guy's madman status evident to someone who doesn't know him (i.e. Chermaine)?
Keane sat in the driver's seat of it, and he opened it up in back to reveal the Three Beasts armed to the teeth with machine guns, sidearms, bullet-proof vests, combat knives, and the biggest one of them, a madman almost 7' tall was holding a machete.
I really like the usage of "90210" as an adjective, but I feel "a career-altering one" sounds unnatural. Something more along the lines of "We got a job. A big one." Or "We got a big job. We're in the major leagues." Or really any applicable turn of phrase other than the one you used. :P
He smiled his 90210 smile, and said, “a career-altering one.”
Another side note, you did excellently on Chermaine's characterization in this chapter. She has just been introduced and she's already one of the best characters in the series.
"Pride and arrogance" is redundant.
a woman with power and pride and arrogance that seeped from her like dirty water from a damp washcloth.
(Plus, another lousy simile)
You mean the girl with her head in the toilet? That's cute, Ash.
'Less like Green?' Ash thought. 'There's nothing wrong with Green.'
Ash noticed that if he so desired, he could look up her skirt quite easily.
The thought only made him uncomfortable though, and he did not find it tempting in the least.
Any particular reason that this "k" is bolded?
GREEN used ATTRACT.
Green kissed Ash on the cheek, and he looked her in the eyes. He had no idea what to say, but it seemed silence worked miracles. Her gaze was everlasting, but was over far too soon for his liking.
ASH became infatuated with foe GREEN.
Who says "directives"?
**** yeah, Grimer!
Grimer, a Pokémon he'd had little encounter with, came forth.
This whole paragraph would have benefited from a different tone. As it is, it reads like a summary, whereas it should have read as actions. For this paragraph, you switched to a weird, detached tone that made it seem boring and "block-of-text-y".
The two trainers went back and forth with their commands, the battle ensuing to their directions. Grimer grabbed Squirtle by its shoulders and pulled it into it. Squirtle propelled itself from his grasp with a strong water-gun, and grimer retaliated by hurling several globs of goo, the last one making solid contact with the diving turtle. It rolled across the concrete, make-shift arena, and as per Green's directive pushed itself high into the air with a jet of water. Once gravity took its hold, she ordered a Rapid Spin that was critically empowered by the distance between the two. Grimer rounded itself into a crater, and caught the spinning Pokémon, enveloping her Pokémon in murk. Ash ordered Grimer to hold it as long as it could, while Green helplessly shouted for Squirtle to escape this way or that, with no success. Ash was sure of his victory when Green ordered it to use Mud Sport. Grimer grew larger as Squirtle filled him with water, until suddenly globs of Grimer were flown into the air, made thinner and muddier by Squirtle's diluting water-gun. Grimer cried out as Squirtle escaped, and Green followed up with a Headbutt that sent the hulk of Grimer careening into a parked car. The doors were forcefully knocked into the car, looking like it had been T-boned at high speeds. Ash returned his Pokémon, while Green shouted for joy. They heard a window slide open as somebody yelled at them for the noise they were making. Ash was sure if it was their car then they might have tried to kill the two of them, but when Green started making death threats at the hands of Team Rocket, they quickly pulled their head back inside.
Protip: Nicknames should not be longer than the full name unless it is exceedingly clever. This is not an exceedingly clever name.
Ash decided to name his Grimer 'Concoction',
I like this.
Today, Ash would meet and challenge Brock Harrison. The best friend he never really had.
the hotspot for gamblers and hookers and cocaine-
The "Now," is unnecessary.
Now, Team Rocket isn't...
No ****, Sherlock.
The astronaut launch site was what Rocket members would ask about when they wanted to be escorted into the Rocket HQ.
Altogether, I am interested to see where the plot is going. The characterization is good, the humor is good, it's gritty without being too grimdark. There are issues. Horrid similes and clumsy infodumps and OH MY GOD WHY DO YOU KEEP TELLING US THE MODEL OF THE CAR, but these hardly ruin the fic. Work on the problems and keep up the good work.
It was super effective!
Last edited by blackjack0202; 14th August 2012 at 2:59 PM.
Reason: extra joke