Page 2 of 2 FirstFirst 12
Results 26 to 44 of 44

Thread: Pokemon Epilogues: Season 1 - The Birth [Rated R]

  1. #26
    Join Date
    Dec 2011
    Location
    USA
    Posts
    612

    Default

    yes i did read them and found that they were a fantastic read and i can't wait for a new read soon. But, as you should know take your time to write them out and revise before you post since nobody is in a rush. Currently, I'm reading like four different fics so take your time, it leads to improvements. So, put me on the pm list and I hope your fic gets more readers and subscribers as it is that good already.
    Thanks, to the awesome artist of our clan, Team Nightmare, zek4040 for this AMAZING banner.



    Leader of Pokemon Online's Scripted Server Tournaments channel

    Pokemon Online is now on Android: http://pokemon-online.eu/pages/download/

  2. #27

    Default

    I've actually written the next eight chapters already, but I'm spacing them out at Breezy's recommendation. I'm glad you have enjoyed it, and I'll add you to the PM list.

  3. #28

    Default

    Episode 6: Success

    Mondo drove away from home not knowing when he'd be back. He realized a few days was an understatement- it would take a few days just to reach Lavender. The shotgun sat in the passenger seat, and Mondo had even buckled it in. It was his baby. 'A baby that I don't breast-feed,' he thought. He heard his ringtone go off as he passed a sign telling him to keep left in order to reach Vermillion. It was getting late, so he figured he'd stop there to buy a room for the night. He answered the phone:

    “This is M-m-m-Mondo Breaker! What's up?”

    “Uhh, hello?” Mondo recognized the voice. It was Domino. 'Oh damn it all,' he thought.

    “Oh. Sorry about that. Just a bit tired, I guess.” Mondo cringed knowing his annoying tendencies would inevitably push her away even if he managed to stave it off until they met in person.

    “That wasn't a Killer Instinct reference, was it?” Mondo swerved out of his lane in surprise, and then swerved back, happy there weren't any cars next to him.

    “You play Killer Instinct?”

    “I did with my brothers before I moved out of my parents' house,” she said. “Haven't in years now though.”

    “How long ago did you move out?”

    “I was nineteen, so,” Domino paused, doing the math in her head, “Six years.” She paused again, this time more cognitively. “Didn't realize how long it had been.”

    “You visit them, right?”

    “No. I haven't seen them since I left. My father told me never to come home. So I haven't.”

    “I'm sorry I brought it up. What a dick, though.”

    “It's more my fault than his, see-” she stopped, “wait, I called for a reason.” She paused, and Mondo could hear the rustling of paper. “You had wanted to know who you're partnered with, correct?”

    “Yah, I did.” Mondo was excited and curious. He was sure she would have told him though if it were her, so he wasn't very hopeful.

    “You'll be working with Kaede,” she told him. Mondo paused and thought for a little. “I don't think I've ever been sent to her before.”

    “Sent to- Oh, you were a Contact Bitch?”

    “A what?”

    “Sorry. You were on Contact Duty?”

    “You call us,” Mondo paused, disliking the word, “bitches?”

    “Not me,” she said defensively, “Everyone else.”

    “Everyone calls me a Contact Bitch?!”

    “Calm down.” She said sternly. “Did you really not know that?” Domino heard Mondo sigh into the phone, and she continued, “Well if it helps, I didn't assume you were one. Oh, and Kaede was on Contact Duty until now too.”

    “Really? That's weird.” Then, Mondo had a thought. “We should go out for coffee or breakfast or brunch or donuts.”

    Domino was taken aback, having assumed he wouldn't ask after their last conversation. She couldn't help but say yes though. “I'm in the office in Celadon,” she told him. “Give me a call when you'll be driving by and we can set something up.” Mondo smiled. 'She said YES!' He could hardly wait to get off the phone, just so he could scream out of the car windows his joy. “This line is blocked to prevent getting tapped, so I'll have to give you a number to call.” Mondo wrote it down on a napkin, careful to keep the numbers distinctive and clear.

    “Awesome.” Mondo said. 'Awesome?' He thought afterward. 'What if nobody else says awesome? I just fucked myself!'

    “Yah,” She giggled a little. “Give me a call.”

    The phone call ended, and he rolled down all the windows on the Civic with the switch on the door. Anyone else driving with their windows down heard him thanking God for his blessings.

    ---

    Ash's jaw had literally dropped. Not just because the woman leaning out of the car was absolutely gorgeous, with the Rocket uniform tight against her body, accentuating the curves of her hips, the delicate frame, the long, chestnut brown hair about her shoulders. Ash's jaw had also dropped because leaning out of this Alfa Romeo 159 was the woman he'd seen around Samuel's lab. However, she was in a car, and he wouldn't be able to stop her from driving away if he made accusations now.

    “Do we need guns?” Green giggled. Gingie was trying to keep a straight face, being the designated drunk driver. “Depends on how big your guns are.” Green gave a not-so-subtle wink.

    “Why don't you let us in the backseat then,” Yellow said, “so we can show you.”

    “You can't show us from right where you are?” Green asked coyly. Ash was still in shock, meanwhile.

    “I'd rather not draw any more attention,” Yellow responded coolly.

    “Gingie,” Green said, turning her head back. “Let's let 'em in.” Gingie hit a button on the door, unlocking the car, and then she accidentally popped the trunk. Ash lifted it and slammed it back down. Yellow clambered into the backseat, being careful not to smudge his shoes on the interior. Ash went in afterward.

    Yellow immediately opened up his duffel bag. “Holy shit,” Green said, “they got some big guns.” And then she was all laughs and giggles, rolling around in her seat. Gingie was no longer able to contain herself, and joined in. Yellow and Ash looked at each other awkwardly.

    Yellow spoke up. “You girls plan on buying, or are you just browsing?” Green swayed a little in her seat.

    “Gingie, drive back to the hotel. I don't feel so good.” She turned around again and sat in her seat.

    “This is Dad's car, so don't you dare get sick,” Gingie said, the idea of upsetting her father sobering her for the moment. Then she looked back at Yellow. Her eyes shifted to the open duffel bag, and widened considerably. “I'm going to call our boss. She might be more capable of making a good decision.” Gingie smiled at Yellow, who smiled back. Ash, for the life of him, couldn't think of how to approach the situation. He did notice that she had a backpack though, and assumed the Pokémon would be kept in there. How would he know which one it was?

    They got back to the hotel in Pewter, and Ash was somewhat grateful for the turn of events. Not only had he found her, but he had somewhere to sleep, and he felt like he was safe having Yellow with him. Not because Yellow seemed like someone who could handle himself, but he was someone Ash had never known, and it was a hold into this reality. When the four of them walked in (maybe two walked in, and two stumbled, and Pikachu ran alongside) the room was dark. Ash hit the light switch for them, and saw that it was a main room with a bedroom off to the side, and a bathroom on the opposite end, to Ash's right. Green tossed her backpack into the bedroom to the left, and then sat down on the couch, which had been pulled out into a bed at some earlier point in time.

    Yellow went and sat down on it too, tucking his legs underneath him. Pikachu ran underneath the couch, her feet kicking as she squeezed underneath. Gingie was on the phone already, with whom Ash did not know. “They're here now,” she was saying, “at the Dayes’ Inn in Pewter.” She continued talking, and walked into the bedroom for privacy. Ash was curious how long they'd been members, because they were both so young. Gingie popped her head out of the door, saying, “Where'd you two get the guns?”

    Yellow responded with, “Some guy gave them to us.” Ash wanted to correct him that the man didn't give them the guns because he was dead, but realized that they could have been selling Rocket weapons right back to them. It'd be better this way. Yellow was, apparently, faster on his feet, so to say.

    Green was looking at all of the guns, through scopes, into the empty clips, smelling them, and getting the feel of a weapon in her hands. Most were handguns, but there were a few rifles mixed in as well. She found that despite that they weren't loaded, they made her feel strong; powerful. Ash needed some way to know what Pokémon he was stealing back, and he didn't want to give himself away. He stood and went to the bathroom, and while Yellow did look up, he didn't say anything. Green didn't notice. It bothered Ash somewhere inside of him, that she never noticed him.

    Ash closed and locked the door, and sat down on the toilet seat lid. He pulled out his cell phone and called Samuel. 'I never called him back in Viridian.' He thought. 'Hope he isn't too pissed.' He answered on the first ring.

    “Ash?” he said. “Ash, you're safe?” Samuel was raising his voice, and Ash shushed him. “What's going on?” Samuel whispered.

    “I found the girl that stole your Pokémon,” Ash told him quietly, “but in order to get it back, I need to know what Pokémon was missing.”

    Samuel answered without hesitation. “The pokéball is very distinctive, Ash,” he told him. “I dropped it once, on accident of course, and it chipped the bottom of the ball. The chip was in a very purposeful looking five-point star shape. If you have the ball, you'll know it.”

    Ash shrugged. “Sounds good to me. I'll see if I can get it.”

    “Ash,” Samuel said before he could try to end the phone conversation. “Where are you?”

    “I'm in a hotel in Pewter.”

    “With the- ohhh.” Ash could hear the professor laughing on the other line. “Livin' the life, huh, Ash? Enjoy yourself okay?” 'Enjoy myself?' Ash thought.

    “What are you insinuating?”

    “Ash, take care. Be sure to come back soon though.”

    “Can't promise anything, Samuel. Later.”

    The phone call ended, and there was a knock at the door. “Just a minute,” Ash said, and despite that he hadn't used the bathroom, he flushed the toilet and washed his hands. When he opened the door, Green stood before him, leaning on the door-jam, swaying the slightest bit, and grinning like a fool. She walked into the bathroom with him, and tried to pull him to her. Confused, Ash moved backward, and before she could protest, her eyes went wide and she lifted the toilet seat. She lowered her face to it and let loose what she'd had that day. Ash turned his face away, mortified. Not sure what to do, he simply walked out of the bathroom. Gingie was standing out there, and Yellow was still sitting. Ash watched as Pikachu casually poked her head out from under the couch, looked around curiously, and disappeared again.

    “Sird will be here soon to buy the guns from you.” She nodded toward the fold-out. “You can wait there. I'm gonna go help Green.” Ash went and lied down next to Yellow, who was sorting out guns by caliber and style. Ash closed his eyes, and somehow the sound of Green's vomiting was relaxing, like a babbling brook. 'I wonder how many mental problems I'm going to have by the time I die.' Ash thought. Mental Disorder #1: Comfort in others' discomfort. He felt himself doze off, somehow more relaxed than he really should have been.

    ---

    Chermaine and Keane stood on opposite sides of the room. The night-vision goggles were awkward and clunky, but Chermaine tried to ignore it and focus on the task at hand. The room had many walls and inserts, making it almost maze-like when navigating it in the dark. They were both quite careful not to bump into the coffee table, the furniture, the walls. They were in the house of a professional. Keane was making motions with his hand: he was going to check the kitchen. He moved stealthily, quietly, his rifle didn't make any of the clicking or metallic sounds hers did when she moved. She was checking her weapon often, ensuring that it would have no malfunctions should the time come to use it. She didn't want to use it, but not because she hadn't before- she had killed a few times before, in fact- but because if she did it would not be quick and easy. A professional would not be killed by a couple of grunts with night-vision goggles and dark clothes (albeit with heavy artillery).

    Keane moved quickly, and he was in the kitchen silently moving about, checking every nook and cranny for any kind of tripwire, alarm system. He waved Chermaine into the room, and she was thankful for to be in close quarters with him. Partially because she was nervous to stand alone in a dark room, and partially because Keane was so dreamy. Chermaine had been told that if she had one flaw, it would be how she melts around a good-looking man. Keane was the definition. He had dark brown, short yet wavy hair. His eyes, Chermaine swore, glittered more than street pavement on the hottest of days. He was 6' on the dot, and when she stood close to him, they were the perfect height away from one another to match one of those romantic scenes in movies where she stands on her tippy-toes, but just barely, and can lean into him enough to lift one leg back while she loses herself in his gentle kiss.

    Keane, she thought, was that type of man. Being a stealthy hitman-in-training only made him seem that much more sexy. More, how could she describe it, 90210 meets Smokin' Aces. Boy Meets World meets Lucky#Slevin. He opened up cupboards and looked over. He whispered angrily, “Give me the fucking arsenic!” 'Oh no,' She thought. 'I got distracted.' She reached into one of the pockets on her jacket and pulled out an air-tight bag. She handed it over, and he began to pour copious amounts into different containers: Confectioner's sugar, white flour, coffee grounds. He moved to the fridge.

    “What about the light?” Chermaine hissed. Keane stopped in mid-reach. He looked back, and slowly nodded. He moved to another cupboard, looked around briefly, and then added some into a box of baking powder. He found a cooler that seemed to have ice in it, and figured why not. The two slowly moved back into the living room, and back into the hallway that they'd taken into it. Soon, they were back in the guest room, and Chermaine moved to the window. They'd closed it to avoid suspicion from anyone, perhaps if the target noticed then they'd bust into their own home guns blazing. Then they'd find the arsenic on Chermaine's dead body, since Keane had given it back, and they'd cleanse their entire home. Effectively, the two would have lost their lives for nothing gained.

    Now back in the room, everything seemed to have gone perfectly. Chermaine reached up with her gloved hands, her masked face, her hidden figure. She grabbed the latch to unlock it, and then ducked low. Headlights had passed through the open window. Hopefully, she wasn't noticed. They passed, and Keane and Chermaine heard the sounds of a car door closing shut, a very slow walk up to the front door for a key. Everything inside of Chermaine told her to throw the window open, leap out, run and run, and ignore whatever happens behind her. Leave Keane behind, make her presence known, but she couldn't. She knew she could keep her cool. She focused on her breathing, trying to concentrate on the sounds of the homeowner. The professional. They entered the house. They locked the door behind themselves. Padded footsteps sounded like a sledgehammer slamming into a concrete wall, slamming into the concrete skull that held her mind. Keane slowly moved away from the door. Silent as ever. Chermaine was envious of his cool demeanor. He pointed to the window. Motioned for her to open it. Chermaine wasn't sure if she could. She shook her head no. She wouldn't, because she was petrified. She was frozen in place like ancient statues of lost civilizations, remaining long after any figure of their time. She wondered if she would remain as so.

    She did not. Keane reached up and began to slowly slide the window over; silently, as if he'd done it a million times. She knew he hadn't. Every mission he'd been on he'd been on with her. Chermaine swallowed her spit, and it sounded far too loud. Her head jerked toward the door, but it remained still. The footsteps were no longer audible, and she wondered if that was a good thing or a bad thing. She steeled her nerves, and she turned toward it. “You first.” Keane said, and it was such a light whisper Chermaine wasn't sure if he'd even said it at all. She placed both hands on the windowsill, pulled herself up, and maneuvered herself to make the least noise, despite that she instinctively wanted to make sure she caused the least stress on her shoulders. She went out headfirst, her arms twisting at the joints as she rolled out of the window, her body over her head, and then released as she landed in damp soil in the gardening alongside the house. Keane was beside her in an instant, and they both padded softly through the yard, and onto the sidewalk. They glanced at each other hesitantly, and then walked in opposite directions.

    Chermaine pulled off her ski mask and looked around. Despite that her face wasn't covered, she still looked suspicious. She went into an alleyway and looked about. Empty. She went to a dumpster and pulled it away from the garage it was up against. Behind it was a black bag, and inside of it was Chermaine's change of clothes. Her hair was a light brown, a gentle glow of red, and she was tall for a girl. She was 6'1, and she weighed just under 140. She was wearing a light, red sweatshirt and a pair of faded, tight jeans. She replaced her black running shoes with a pair of feminine, pink flats. She exited the alleyway, and a black van with no plates pulled up in front of her. Keane sat in the driver's seat of it, and he opened it up in back to reveal the Three Beasts armed to the teeth with machine guns, sidearms, bullet-proof vests, combat knives, and the biggest one of them, a madman almost 7' tall was holding a machete.

    “Get in,” Keane said, “we got a big job.” He smiled his 90210 smile, and said, “a career-altering one.”
    Last edited by Tonberry_King; 14th August 2012 at 9:28 PM.

  4. #29
    Join Date
    Dec 2011
    Location
    USA
    Posts
    612

    Default

    Wow that was a great chapter although it was mostly for filler and new information with the new characters and lack of progression with ash in his journey, but at least mondo got somewhere with domino. Overall it was enjoyable and out of it I only noticed one mistake so kuddos.

    He realized a few days was in understatement-
    That in needs to be changed to an.

    Now onto the funny parts:

    It was his baby. 'A baby that I don't breastfeed.'
    That really cracked me up man.

    Everyone calls me a Contact *****?!”
    Mondo really is your source of comedy ain't he? Oh of course mondo, your so low on the ladder of success that they degrade you somehow.

    Not just because the woman leaning out of the car was absolutely gorgeous, with the Rocket uniform tight against her body, accentuating the curves of her hips, the delicate frame, the long, chestnut brown hair about her shoulders.
    such great description that i can only assume that you were in this situation or fantasize about it am i right?

    “Holy ****,” Green said, “they got some big guns.”
    Oh stop flattering me green it's embarassing.

    “With the- Ohhh.” Ash could hear the professor laughing on the other line. “Livin' the life, huh, Ash? Enjoy yourself okay?”
    Don't worry professor I will you senile, old fool. lol

    “What are you insinuating?”
    “Can't promise anything, Samuel. Later.”
    Oh nothing and of course nothing is gonna happen.

    When he opened the door, Green stood before him, leaning on the door-jam, swaying the slightest bit, and grinning like a fool. She walked into the bathroom with him, and tried to pull him to her. Confused, Ash moved backward, and before she could protest, her eyes went wide and she lifted the toilet seat. She lowered her face to it and let loose what she'd had that day
    Not the way I expected that to end as I thought she'd kiss him in a drunken slur, but oh well that may come later if you will it.

    “I'm in a hotel in Pewter.”
    Speaking of Pewter, as there is a gym will you be having ash go round getting gym badges for the pokemon league as part of the story?

    he opened it up in back to reveal the Three Beasts armed to the teeth with machine guns, sidearms, bullet-proof vests, combat knives, and the biggest one of them, a madman almost 7' tall was holding a machete.
    I take it that giovanni somehow got rambo, major payne, and the hockey-masked jason to join team rocket. Now all he needs is chuck norris and Mr. T to fill out the his assembly of the most bad*** power rangers ever.

    Great chapter and I look forward to reading your next chapter. Hopefully, there will be more action.
    Last edited by celestial phantom; 15th December 2011 at 12:04 AM.
    Thanks, to the awesome artist of our clan, Team Nightmare, zek4040 for this AMAZING banner.



    Leader of Pokemon Online's Scripted Server Tournaments channel

    Pokemon Online is now on Android: http://pokemon-online.eu/pages/download/

  5. #30

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by celestial phantom View Post
    Wow that was a great chapter although it was mostly for filler and new information with the new characters and lack of progression with ash in his journey, but at least mondo got somewhere with domino. Overall it was enjoyable and out of it I only noticed one mistake so kuddos.

    I take it that giovanni somehow got rambo, major payne, and the hockey-masked jason to join team rocket. Now all he needs is chuck norris and Mr. T to fill out the his assembly of the most bad*** power rangers ever.

    Great chapter and I look forward to reading your next chapter. Hopefully, there will be more action.
    Haha, thanks a bunch. I'm glad you enjoyed the chapter. And I'll have you know it wasn't filler- Ash is the main character, yes, but the other characters' stories will be overlapping quite a bit. For example, Chermaine and Keane weren't in some faceless character's house. They were in the house of someone who most pokemon fans are familiar with. I have big plans. =D Again, thanks for the feedback. If you don't mind me asking, do you have a favorite character so far?

  6. #31
    Join Date
    Dec 2011
    Location
    USA
    Posts
    612

    Default

    And I'll have you know it wasn't filler- Ash is the main character, yes, but the other characters' stories will be overlapping quite a bit. For example, Chermaine and Keane weren't in some faceless character's house. They were in the house of someone who most pokemon fans are familiar with. I have big plans. =D Again, thanks for the feedback. If you don't mind me asking, do you have a favorite character so far?
    Yeah, filler wasn't the best wording, but I guess that it was more of a build-up chapter that sets the tone for events in the next chapter or two.

    I'm going to be racking my brains for who owned the house now since I have a few predictions, but don't want it ruined. My best guess if it follows anime, game, or manga (as I noticed that you have the three beasts, surge, and sabrina as part of TR and koga and blaine may be part as well) limits it to one of the following: Bill or the dig guy in cerulean, but with the guy being a professional something it throws me off.

    So, far my favorite character would be Mondo as he so far has the best character development and seems so real to me, but it's too early to tell. Normally, I have two or three favorites based off different personalities, so once a prominent battler enters, or some enigma figure then they may make the list. For now though it's Mondo.
    Thanks, to the awesome artist of our clan, Team Nightmare, zek4040 for this AMAZING banner.



    Leader of Pokemon Online's Scripted Server Tournaments channel

    Pokemon Online is now on Android: http://pokemon-online.eu/pages/download/

  7. #32
    Join Date
    Apr 2010
    Location
    the wolverine state
    Posts
    685

    Default

    Woah. This is quite an amazing fic. All the subtle humor and dark undertones really make the story feel like everyone has grown up in the sense that they're not just kids, they're in the real world. I'm not going to make corrections, mainly because everyone else has already made them. I'm just going to say I really love your humor and the way you portray all the girls as sexy BA's (no I'm not a perv ). Especially Oak's "Livin' the life" line. That cracked me up. Over all, great story.

    thanks adam you da best
    average bi whos ready to try
    formerly blastoiseboy19

  8. #33

    Default

    Thank you both for your positive feedback. I genuinely really appreciate it. Now if only I could get Breezy back in here to tear up my most recent chapters. xD

  9. #34
    Join Date
    Dec 2011
    Location
    USA
    Posts
    612

    Default

    All the subtle humor and dark undertones really make the story feel like everyone has grown up in the sense that they're not just kids, they're in the real world.
    That is spot on what I think of this fic and what I have kinda wanted to have happen. TK you do really well in portraying that next evolution that the anime could take if they ever wanted it to evolve up into a more serious and realistic anime. Now I know your going off that theory, but this fic does really well in the regard it could be that next step if they ever need to take it there. It probably won't ever happen, but at least I can read someone's interpretation that resembles it the closest.

    I'm just going to say I really love your humor and the way you portray all the girls as sexy BA's (no I'm not a perv ). Especially Oak's "Livin' the life" line
    .

    Yeah I love that too and it makes me wonder what's going to happen if and when characters like misty, erika, sabrina, and even more new (girl) characters get introduced. Keep me on my toes with this one TK, cuz your the only person right now that stops my power to automatically know what course the plot will take.
    Thanks, to the awesome artist of our clan, Team Nightmare, zek4040 for this AMAZING banner.



    Leader of Pokemon Online's Scripted Server Tournaments channel

    Pokemon Online is now on Android: http://pokemon-online.eu/pages/download/

  10. #35

    Default

    Oh my goodness, I'm so sorry I haven't responded in a more timely manner. My Lenovo fried (the motherboard went out), and it took three weeks for them to send out a repairman. He gets here, replaces a few parts, and it still doesn't work. So he tells us it's broken (thanks, we knew that much) and to call lenovo and they'll send out a repairman. What a guy. So, it's been another three weeks, and it's still down. Unfortunately, it was a new computer still, and I hadn't gotten around to backing everything up. I'll be posting the next chapter as soon as I can, but until my Lenovo is up and running again, it'll be awhile. And, God forbid, they have to wipe the harddrive, then I'll be starting back from where I last backed it up, which was a good year and a half ago. Wish me luck.

    And, of course, any more feedback is more than welcome! Thank you for the strong compliments, and Celestial Phantom, I'm flattered to be able to keep you guessing.

  11. #36

    Default

    Episode 7: Theft


    Ash was shaken back into consciousness. He saw Yellow next to him still, although he wasn't paying him any attention. Green's friend, 'Grace? Ginger- No, Gingie,' Ash thought, trying to remember the brief introductions from earlier that night; Gingie was looking at him, saying that her boss was here. “The Team Rocket boss, huh?” Ash said groggily. He looked up to see a tall gaunt woman, a woman with power and pride and arrogance that seeped from her like dirty water from a damp washcloth.

    Yellow got to business. He'd done this before, it had seemed. He opened up all of the backpacks, overwhelming the women with the massive amount of guns and clips. Only the new one noticed the lack of ammo. “There's more ammo on this planet then there are people,” Yellow said defensively, “it's the guns that you gotta know people to get.”

    She agreed halfheartedly, and Gingie spoke up, “Sird, this is helpful, right?” The woman nodded, pursing her lips. She handed Yellow a wad of pyen. He leafed through it quickly, suspiciously. Halfway through his mouth dropped a little, and by the end of it he was laughing in disbelief.

    “That will be sufficient?” Sird asked in a condescending tone. He looked up at her, and glare as she might he was not the least bit intimidated.

    “Oh yah. That's just right,” Yellow said grinning from ear to ear.

    “Then I'll be on my way,” Sird said as she turned away from him. She grabbed the three bags, and tossed them to Gingie. “Put this in the van. Give them to Chermaine. You’ve met Chermaine, right?” Gingie nodded as she went to open the door. “Be more like her,” Sird said as she followed her out the door, “and less like Green. You'll surely go far that way.”

    'Less like Green?' Ash thought. 'There's nothing wrong with Green.' Then Ash realized that he and Yellow were alone. With Green's bag. It was in the room, but she was passed out drunk in there. Now was his chance.

    Ash stood up, and Yellow looked at him and opened his mouth to talk. Pikachu squeaked cheerfully underneath the couch. Ash put a finger to his lips, and crept into the bedroom. The room was dark, and he couldn't see Green, the bed, or her bag. Ash assumed the light wouldn't be enough to rouse her from her slumber. He flicked the light switch on and saw the room illuminate. Green lay horizontally across a large burgundy comforter across a large, king-size bed. She was still in her Rocket outfit, and Ash noticed that if he so desired, he could look up her skirt quite easily. The thought only made him uncomfortable though, and he did not find it tempting in the least. The floor was barren except for her bag, at the edge of the bed. Ash quietly padded over, constantly looking back at Green, hoping she would not awaken. He opened the bag, and began to rummage through its contents. He found it. A single pokéball. All that was required was a glance at the bottom, to make sure it's Oak's, but instead her heard her groan.

    Ash looked up, and she was looking down at him. “What the hell are you doing in my room?” She asked groggily.

    “Nothin',” Ash said. He tried to continue with an excuse, but instead found himself drawing a blank. A very inconvenient blank.

    “That's my- You son of a bitch, you were stealing my Pokémon!”

    “No, no I swear I wasn't. I just need to check if it's-” Ash threw his arms in front of his face as she kicked one of her feet down at him. Luckily, she was no longer wearing shoes, and as she tried to pull her leg back for another kick, Ash rolled backward. He went to stand, but Green leapt from the bed and tackled him around the waist. They were in front of the door, and she grabbed the edge of it and threw it shut. Sitting on top of him, she pulled back her right arm and threw a fist into his face. Ash felt the sting of her punch, and realized he'd never been hit before. It hurt a lot more than he expected. Her left fist came down and knocked his head back the other way. “You fuckin-!” Ash yelled, having become angry at her reaction. He grabbed her by the waist and lifted her into the air. Ash's adrenaline gave him the instinct and strength to lift her up over his head, and he threw her forcefully back onto the bed. She bounced high up, her limbs flailing desperately for control, and Ash looked down at the pokéball in his hand. He turned it upside-down. There was a distinctive chip on the bottom of it. “This isn't yours.”

    “How isn't that mine?” She shouted from the bed. She leaned down and grabbed her bag.

    “This is Professor Oak's.” Then she stopped what she was doing and looked up at him.

    “How could you know that?”

    “I'm good friends with him, and I told him I'd get his Pokémon back.” Her face looked confused.

    “But you can't take that back. He has hundreds of Pokémon! I need that!” She reached out with both arms. Ash stepped back against the door.

    “He does not. He has three- counting this one.”

    “But that's my ticket into Team Rocket!” She said, her volume raising. Ash worried about whether or not Gingie had come back- or the woman, Sird. She seemed like she would be problematic. And now she had guns.

    “Well, that's too bad.” Ash pulled out his phone and dialed for Oak. She sat on the bed, watching in astonishment. It rang once, twice, thrice, and just as it started to ring again, he heard Samuel answer the phone.

    “Why are you calling me so late, Ash?” Samuel’s voice was a groan, but Ash could hear the hint of happiness. Samuel missed Ash, he could tell.

    “No hello? Well, I've got your Pokémon back, Sammy-boy.” Samuel was silent for a moment. Then he said something Ash didn't expect.

    “What would you do after you return it? Leave again? Condemn yourself to being my assistant?” He wasn't sure how to respond. “I'll never be a Pokémon trainer again. Keep it, use it. Do something good with it, Ash. It's three in the morning though, and I'm going back to bed.” Ash started to say good-night, when Samuel hung up. 'Wow.' Ash thought. 'This is awkward now.' He looked back at Green, who was waiting eagerly for something to happen.

    “It's…mine…now?” Ash said hesitantly.

    “What?”

    “He told me to keep it.”

    “But- what about me?” Ash looked around. He felt torn. Green aspired to join Team Rocket. She was happy with the career choice. Yet, Ash condemned them for being criminals. If he gave her the Pokémon, he'd only help her on her self-destructive quest to a life evading the law. If he kept it, who knows what Team Rocket would do to her- what she would do.

    “I'll let you have it,” Ash said. “But only if you can beat me in a one-on-one match.” He grinned. Green tilted her head.

    “But that isn't fair. I don't even know what it is.” Ash, in a moment of brilliance, remembered the Pokémon that Yellow had given him.

    “I have a Pokémon that I haven't seen yet, either.” He pulled it from his pocket, where he'd put it after emptying out his bag for Yellow. He tossed the chipped pokéball back to Green. She smiled a sexy smile. A smile that made Ash melt to the floor. He became a pile of ooze and he felt like he had no bones in his legs, just rubber.

    “Let's do this outside,” Green said. She crawled off the bed, and went to open the door. He turned to do the same, and her hand enclosed his on the doorknob. “Thank you, I think,” she said. Green kissed Ash on the cheek, and he looked her in the eyes. He had no idea what to say, but it seemed silence worked miracles. Her gaze was everlasting, but was over far too soon for his liking. He opened the door and let her out. Gingie and Yellow both turned at looked at them, apparently in the middle of playing a game of poker. Ash didn't recognize it, having never played himself, but Green was more than familiar.

    Ash waved, and Pikachu poked her head out of from under the couch again. She looked concerned, and she struggled out from underneath and ran to Ash's side. Green told the two of them they were going to battle, while Ash poked Pikachu's nose, Pikachu pawed at his fingers playfully. They went downstairs, and Ash didn't see any vans around, so he assumed that Sird had left. The two stood in a parking lot now, and Green looked uncomfortable.

    “I've never had a Pokémon battle,” she said. “So, I don't know what to do.”

    “Haven't you seen one?” She nodded, so he continued. “Just send it out, and give it directives. Tell it what to do whenever you can.” She nodded again.

    Green tossed her pokéball halfway between the two, fire in her eyes. 'She's got the drive to be a great trainer,' Ash thought. The two of them watched as a squirtle came out of the pokéball. It landed squarely on its two feet, and stood battle-ready. Its skin was a light blue, lighter than most, and it was no more than a foot and a half tall. Ash grabbed his pokéball, hoping his Pokémon wasn't so strong as to make for an unfair fight. “Go!” He shouted as he tossed it down. The pokéball returned to his hand, as they always did, but his eyes were on the field. Grimer, a Pokémon he'd had little encounter with, came forth.

    “That's a Rocket Pokémon!” She said.

    “It doesn't have to be!” Ash retorted defensively. His grimer was slightly larger than her squirtle in height, and much wider.

    “Punch that fucker in the face!” Green shouted. Ash was shocked, and simply stared at her. 'That fucker?' His grimer got punched, although it was debatable whether or not it made contact with its face.

    The two trainers went back and forth with their commands, the battle ensuing to their directions. Grimer grabbed Squirtle by its shoulders and pulled it into it. Squirtle propelled itself from his grasp with a strong water-gun, and grimer retaliated by hurling several globs of goo, the last one making solid contact with the diving turtle. It rolled across the concrete, make-shift arena, and as per Green's directive pushed itself high into the air with a jet of water. Once gravity took its hold, she ordered a Rapid Spin that was critically empowered by the distance between the two. Grimer rounded itself into a crater, and caught the spinning Pokémon, enveloping her Pokémon in murk. Ash ordered Grimer to hold it as long as it could, while Green helplessly shouted for Squirtle to escape this way or that, with no success. Ash was sure of his victory when Green ordered it to use Mud Sport. Grimer grew larger as Squirtle filled him with water, until suddenly globs of Grimer were flown into the air, made thinner and muddier by Squirtle's diluting water-gun. Grimer cried out as Squirtle escaped, and Green followed up with a Headbutt that sent the hulk of Grimer careening into a parked car. The doors were forcefully knocked into the car, looking like it had been T-boned at high speeds. Ash returned his Pokémon, while Green shouted for joy. They heard a window slide open as somebody yelled at them for the noise they were making. Ash was sure if it was their car then they might have tried to kill the two of them, but when Green started making death threats at the hands of Team Rocket, they quickly pulled their head back inside.

    The pair walked back inside to their room, and learned that Yellow and Gingie had watched the match from the window. Ash decided to name his Grimer 'Concoction', for the medley of rancid smells that it emanated. Pikachu was soon introduced to him, and they politely shook paw with grimy hand. Everyone turned in for the night, and despite that Ash strongly wanted to spend more time with Green, he knew that Gingie was in her room too. Yellow and Ash slept on the fold-out, with Potoko's massive body between them, snoring, and Pikachu sleeping on top of its feathered body soundly.

    “We have to go to Vermillion,” Green said to Ash in the morning. Everyone was dressed and groomed for the day, despite the events of the night before. “You two don't want to go with us, do you?”

    Ash blushed. “I do, honestly. But I want to get all of the gym badges, too. I'd rather stay here and challenge my first gym.” Green nodded.

    “Even though I won, I can tell you know what you're doing. Good luck, Ash, and I really hope you can make some time for me.” He remembered his phone, and took it out to put her number in. He called her, so she’d have his number, too, and promised he would call, and then the two girls left, paying for the room with a credit card covered by Team Rocket. Ash and Yellow had another long day ahead of them. Today, Ash would meet and challenge Brock Harrison. The best friend he never really had.

    -----

    Mondo was pulling in to a parking spot at the infamous Celadon Game Corner, the hotspot for gamblers and hookers and cocaine- and the HQ for Team Rocket. Now, Team Rocket isn't the only criminal organization in Kanto, but they're definitely the largest. They also have the greatest benefits, which Mondo was consciously thinking about while he entered the Corner. He didn't look much like a Rocket. He was wearing casual clothing, although his dark red hooded sweatshirt did have a black 'R' embroidered on the front pocket. His left hand was, unaware to Mondo, playing with a lock of his short, auburn bangs. His right hand was holding a bouquet of pink roses, which Mondo had charged on his Rocket credit card, also known as the RCC, thinking it fit the criteria of what was allowed to be bought with it.

    A woman approached him, kindly asking how she could help. He told her he was meeting someone, and if she could direct him to the astronaut launch site, then “that would be fantastic” he had told her. The astronaut launch site was what Rocket members would ask about when they wanted to be escorted into the Rocket HQ. The woman smiled kindly, didn't change demeanor in the least, and kindly led him into the back. “Are there any rooms currently not being used?” Mondo asked the woman as she turned to leave.

    “Hotel rooms?” She asked.

    “No. Like, storage rooms, or maybe a large closet?” She gave him a hesitant look. “It's important.” He added. She looked around like she wasn't sure, but agreed to show him to an unused, more-or-less empty room. It used to be a walk-in freezer, but the freezer broke and the kitchen was relocated to another section of the building. The room ended up in the HQ half of the Corner, but was completely overlooked. People with debts weren't even worked over in here. The freezer was dusty and tucked away.

    Before she left, again, Mondo made sure to tell her that when Domino showed up, she be directed to the freezer. The woman was confused, but obliged. Mondo began to work.
    Last edited by Tonberry_King; 10th August 2012 at 9:50 AM.

  12. #37

    Default

    Awesome, another chapter! This story is good, so I'm glad it wasn't ditched like so many others are.
    “Punch that ****er in the face!” Green shouted. Ash was shocked, and simply stared at her. 'That ****er?' His grimer got punched, although it was debatable whether or not it made contact with its face.
    I don't know why, but this really made me laugh. "Punch that ****er in the face" is my new shout at the start of a battle. I also love all the bits with Pikachu playing. Mondo's going to come off as a real creeper, meeting Domino in the abandoned freezer. Are you going to stick to pokemon that he had in the show or branch out more?

  13. #38

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Bored_Person View Post
    Awesome, another chapter! This story is good, so I'm glad it wasn't ditched like so many others are.

    I don't know why, but this really made me laugh. "Punch that ****er in the face" is my new shout at the start of a battle. I also love all the bits with Pikachu playing. Mondo's going to come off as a real creeper, meeting Domino in the abandoned freezer. Are you going to stick to pokemon that he had in the show or branch out more?
    I'm going to branch out, actually. While Ash would certainly have an affinity toward Pokemon he's already owned, I think he'd acknowledge it wouldn't be the same individual, and also he's always been willing to catch as much as he can get his hands on, so as a character, I don't see it clashing with his personality to give him new Pokemon. Thanks for reading.

  14. #39
    Join Date
    Aug 2012
    Location
    The Dark Side of the Moon
    Posts
    1

    Post

    BLACKJACK0202 used WALL OF TEXT!

    the inspiration for this story was a theory a friend showed me
    He sounds like a cool guy that attractive women would want to have sex with.
    machines that were wildly beeping and whirring with the sounds of sirens like wailing souls in Hell.
    Melodramatic. It may have been okay when you've established that this is a high-quality fanfic, but this early on it only serves as a red flag.
    garbage spilling out like doves fleeing from a magician's hat
    Awkward simile.
    “Hoenn.” He answered. “That was like five years back now though. I think his daughter took over for him.”
    I see what you did there.
    He grinned a little sinisterly,
    Random evil grin?
    She had the brains necessary for any endeavor. She was tall, even when sitting, a slender 6'3”. Her skin was gaunt, and her hair was black
    I feel like, if this wasn't prose, there would be a little info card popping up with every new character, like in Scott Pilgrim or something. :P
    There was something about this woman that didn't seem human. Perhaps it was her notoriously inhumane outlook on life.
    This a bit awkward, seeing as we haven't seen anything regarding her outlook. It would be lessened if it was reworded to be a direct opinion of Green's, but it would still need some work.
    eating a small bowl of sitrus berries.
    Nice.
    “I think I want to name it Addle.”
    I'm pretty sure I see what you there, too. If I'm right, this was a deliciously subtle shout-out.
    “Good luck, then, Ash. Stranger,” he said, chuckling lightly to himself. “I hope you find...
    This is weird. Did he say, "Good luck, then, Ash. Stranger. I hope you find..." or "Good luck, then, Ash. Stranger, I hope you find..."
    Because if the former is true, why did he say that? And if the latter is true, why did you break it up so strangely?
    It didn't matter. Nowhere was safe when you owed Team Rocket money. Butch saw that he was redlining the speedometer, going much faster than its top speed of 150 mph. Kanto was all Rocket territory, and they'd recently expanded across the mountain range into Johto as well. The Boss had even sent a few grunts into the Sevii Islands to try and tap in on the tourism profit.

    Point was, going as fast as Butch was down Route 2, when Cassidy had thrown Dundee from the car he had no chance.
    Yikes. The "redlining" sentence is so misplaced. You have the topic switch from "Nowhere is safe" to "My car is going fast" to "We're everywhere" to "He was killed because we're going fast". It's awkward and confusing.
    Their plans were impeded upon when these two cars showed up, firing into the Civic.
    You don't have to remind us of the brand. "...showed up, firing at them." or "...showed up, firing at the car."
    Or are you getting ad revenue?
    One car flipped a *****, spinning on its back wheels until it was facing them.
    Flipped a what now?
    Butch's Honda Civic had hit 95 when he rear-ended them.
    ಠ_ಠ
    Butch knew when to prioritize women and when to prioritize work, but he had a damn hard time wrenching his gaze away. Cassidy had long, healthy blond hair that was split into two long ponytails. She had pink earrings with small stones in them, and was in the female Rocket Grunt outfit. The pink earrings with the red R on her uniform complimented her lips nicely. Females had the choice between a skirt or pants, and Cassidy was wearing her skirt.
    HERP DERP SHE'S PURTY
    “****ing drive, lame-***!”
    What the-? Why is "****ing" not censored, when "***" is? :S
    The other car came close, trying to swipe the Civic again,
    I am convinced that Honda is cutting you a check.
    put 'em in your trunk
    This irritates me, but only because I figured Sabrina to be the type of woman to enunciate all of her words properly. It's your story, so whatever, but I wanted to voice my displeasure.

    Frankly, this whole action scene was very sloppy, whih is odd considering that the Pokemon fights described in previous chapters were done excellently.
    Ash froggered his way through traffic.
    I like that allusion. I also like that I got to use the word "allusion".
    His curiosity had him like a wrestler giving a choke-hold.
    Good lord, man. You are just not very good at writing similes that sound natural.
    His arms and face were blotched with holes, big and small, and he was covered in blood, his shirt, his slacks, he was soaked in it.
    Over-visualization. You could have said "His face and arms were blotched with holes, and he was soaked in blood."
    We aren't dumb. We can draw the conclusion that this is the guy Cassidy just blew away.
    Ash covered Pikachu's eyes, while her small hands playfully covered his hands as she squeaked, pretending to guess who he was.
    This is adorable. Not just Pikachu being cute, but that Ash is trying to protect her from the grisly scene.
    “I guess you can have the body, but the rest of it is mine, alright?”

    “Why would I want the body?”

    “I don't wanna know.
    This exchange was great.
    He had blond hair sticking out from beneath a straw hat. He wore overalls and carried a camping backpack and a duffel bag.
    These breaks to describe characters are a bit jarring. A few basic notes like "He had blond hair sticking out from beneath a straw hat. He was emptying out a duffel bag and replacing them with the guns from the backseat." are sufficient.
    As he was about to get into his '02 Ford Focus,
    Oh my god. Really?
    “There will be plenty worse things in this car than cigarettes, Mondo.” Butch glanced at Cassidy, who was trying to ignore them until Mondo was gone. “Like her.” Mondo laughed loudly, and Cassidy cringed.

    “So you won't smoke in it?” He repeated afterward.
    This is how you characterize. Good work.
    (even though "afterward" is unnecessary)
    They drove away in his Focus, and Mondo stood in the parking lot. He hadn't even noticed Butch hand him his keys, but he looked at the Civic, and realized this was his way home. While Cassidy swore in the Focus when she realized she forgot her shotgun,
    <____________________>
    “Transport yourself to Lavender.
    Would a person ever really say "transport yourself"?
    she will have a TR car,
    Unless this is an official nickname for their cars (similar to "batmobile"), this term is awkward-sounding. "Tee arr car" sounds awful. Something like "she will have a company car" would be more pleasing to the ear and would add a touch of coy elegance to the sentence.
    Domino blushed, but Mondo would never know it. She didn't say anything, wondering if he'd ask her out.
    Excuse me as I break a wine bottle over this ship.
    in her mid-sixties, with the deteriorating health of being in her nineties.
    Awkwardly phrased. A good alternative would be something like "She was sixty-four, but looked ninety-four."
    its somewhat domestic dispute.
    The "somewhat" is unnecessary. The joke flows better without it.
    “Yellow.”
    So you genderswapped Yellow? Is there a reason for this?
    A red Ford Focus.
    /facepalm
    does get's shot.
    *gets
    hadn't see them.
    *seen
    It was his baby. 'A baby that I don't breastfeed.' He thought.
    Please tell me that this sentence only exists to play up Mondo's mommy issues.
    He heard his ringtone go off as he passed a sign telling him to keep left in order to reach Vermillion.
    First, I would break these two points into two separate sentences. Second, I would just say the sign was an exit sign, then later mention that he was stopping at Vermillion.
    “That wasn't a Killer Instinct reference, was it?”
    I had her figured for a King of Fighters gal, myself.
    As a side note, Domino is very unprofessional.
    “Sent to- Oh, you were a Contact *****?"

    “A what?”

    “Sorry. You were on Contact Duty?”

    “You call us,” Mondo paused, disliking the word, “*****es?”

    “Not me,” she said defensively, “Everyone else.”

    “Everyone calls me a Contact *****?!”
    This exchange is hilarious.
    She couldn't help but say yes though.
    Because obviously Mondo is just dripping with charisma.
    leaning out of this Alfa Romeo 159
    Oh my god. I had decided to stop commenting on all your auto product placement, as my point had already been made numerous times, but this one is just too ridiculous. How the hell would Ash know what kind of car she was driving?
    “Depends on how big your guns are.” Green gave a not-so-subtle wink.
    "Is that a potion in your pocket or are you just happy to see me? *wonk*"
    It bothered Ash somewhere inside of him, that she never noticed him.
    CHARACTERIZATION.
    “With the- Ohhh.” Ash could hear the professor laughing on the other line. “Livin' the life, huh, Ash? Enjoy yourself okay?” 'Enjoy myself?' Ash thought.
    I like where this is going.
    When he opened the door, Green stood before him, leaning on the door-jam, swaying the slightest bit, and grinning like a fool. She walked into the bathroom with him, and tried to pull him to her. Confused, Ash moved backward, and before she could protest, her eyes went wide and she lifted the toilet seat. She lowered her face to it and let loose what she'd had that day. Ash turned his face away, mortified.
    This is excellent.
    Mental Disorder #1: Comfort in others' discomfort.
    SCHAAAAAUDENFREUDE!
    Keane was the definition. He had dark brown, short yet wavy hair. His eyes, Chermaine swore, glittered more than street pavement on the hottest of days. He was 6' on the dot, and when she stood close to him, they were the perfect height away from one another to match one of those romantic scenes in movies where she stands on her tippy-toes, but just barely, and can lean into him enough to lift one leg back while she loses herself in his gentle kiss.
    You almost ALMOST had a physical description that didn't sound like an infodrop. But you're improving, which is what's important, I suppose.
    90210 meets Smokin' Aces. Boy Meets World meets Lucky#Slevin.
    Hahahaha. Wow, I just-- oh, man. Wow.
    Also, points for referencing L#S, even if you would have benefitted from a less esoteric reference.
    They'd closed it to avoid suspicion from anyone, perhaps if the target noticed then they'd bust into their own home guns blazing. Then they'd find the arsenic on Chermaine's dead body, since Keane had given it back, and they'd cleanse their entire home. Effectively, the two would have lost their lives for nothing gained.
    This is overlong. It could have read, "They'd closed it to avoid suspicion from anyone. If the target had noticed, they would have surely been killed." and it would have been just as effective.
    Chermaine reached up with her gloved hands, her masked face, her hidden figure.
    I've never seen anyone reach up with their face before.
    Padded footsteps sounded like a sledgehammer slamming into a concrete wall, slamming into the concrete skull that held her mind.
    This is just ew. "Padded footsteps sounded like a sledgehammer slamming into a concrete wall. Slamming into her mind."
    She was frozen in place like ancient statues of lost civilizations, remaining long after any figure of their time.
    Another failed simile.
    Keane sat in the driver's seat of it, and he opened it up in back to reveal the Three Beasts armed to the teeth with machine guns, sidearms, bullet-proof vests, combat knives, and the biggest one of them, a madman almost 7' tall was holding a machete.
    I don't like this sentence at all. Does Chermaine recognize the Three Beasts for who they are? Was it really necessary to specify what they were "armed to the teeth" with? Is machete guy's madman status evident to someone who doesn't know him (i.e. Chermaine)?
    He smiled his 90210 smile, and said, “a career-altering one.”
    I really like the usage of "90210" as an adjective, but I feel "a career-altering one" sounds unnatural. Something more along the lines of "We got a job. A big one." Or "We got a big job. We're in the major leagues." Or really any applicable turn of phrase other than the one you used. :P

    Another side note, you did excellently on Chermaine's characterization in this chapter. She has just been introduced and she's already one of the best characters in the series.
    a woman with power and pride and arrogance that seeped from her like dirty water from a damp washcloth.
    "Pride and arrogance" is redundant.
    (Plus, another lousy simile)
    'Less like Green?' Ash thought. 'There's nothing wrong with Green.'
    You mean the girl with her head in the toilet? That's cute, Ash.
    Ash noticed that if he so desired, he could look up her skirt quite easily.
    Do it.
    The thought only made him uncomfortable though, and he did not find it tempting in the least.
    Damn.
    “You fuckin-!”
    Any particular reason that this "k" is bolded?
    Green kissed Ash on the cheek, and he looked her in the eyes. He had no idea what to say, but it seemed silence worked miracles. Her gaze was everlasting, but was over far too soon for his liking.
    GREEN used ATTRACT.
    ASH became infatuated with foe GREEN.
    and give it directives
    Who says "directives"?
    Grimer, a Pokémon he'd had little encounter with, came forth.
    **** yeah, Grimer!
    The two trainers went back and forth with their commands, the battle ensuing to their directions. Grimer grabbed Squirtle by its shoulders and pulled it into it. Squirtle propelled itself from his grasp with a strong water-gun, and grimer retaliated by hurling several globs of goo, the last one making solid contact with the diving turtle. It rolled across the concrete, make-shift arena, and as per Green's directive pushed itself high into the air with a jet of water. Once gravity took its hold, she ordered a Rapid Spin that was critically empowered by the distance between the two. Grimer rounded itself into a crater, and caught the spinning Pokémon, enveloping her Pokémon in murk. Ash ordered Grimer to hold it as long as it could, while Green helplessly shouted for Squirtle to escape this way or that, with no success. Ash was sure of his victory when Green ordered it to use Mud Sport. Grimer grew larger as Squirtle filled him with water, until suddenly globs of Grimer were flown into the air, made thinner and muddier by Squirtle's diluting water-gun. Grimer cried out as Squirtle escaped, and Green followed up with a Headbutt that sent the hulk of Grimer careening into a parked car. The doors were forcefully knocked into the car, looking like it had been T-boned at high speeds. Ash returned his Pokémon, while Green shouted for joy. They heard a window slide open as somebody yelled at them for the noise they were making. Ash was sure if it was their car then they might have tried to kill the two of them, but when Green started making death threats at the hands of Team Rocket, they quickly pulled their head back inside.
    This whole paragraph would have benefited from a different tone. As it is, it reads like a summary, whereas it should have read as actions. For this paragraph, you switched to a weird, detached tone that made it seem boring and "block-of-text-y".
    Ash decided to name his Grimer 'Concoction',
    Protip: Nicknames should not be longer than the full name unless it is exceedingly clever. This is not an exceedingly clever name.
    Today, Ash would meet and challenge Brock Harrison. The best friend he never really had.
    I like this.
    the hotspot for gamblers and hookers and cocaine-
    wellthatescalatedquickly.png
    Now, Team Rocket isn't...
    The "Now," is unnecessary.
    The astronaut launch site was what Rocket members would ask about when they wanted to be escorted into the Rocket HQ.
    No ****, Sherlock.

    Altogether, I am interested to see where the plot is going. The characterization is good, the humor is good, it's gritty without being too grimdark. There are issues. Horrid similes and clumsy infodumps and OH MY GOD WHY DO YOU KEEP TELLING US THE MODEL OF THE CAR, but these hardly ruin the fic. Work on the problems and keep up the good work.

    It was super effective!
    Last edited by blackjack0202; 14th August 2012 at 3:59 PM. Reason: extra joke
    [img]http://i45.*******.com/t5lhqs.gif[/img]

  15. #40

    Default

    Thank you, Blackjack, dear friend. I can't wait to fix all of the stuff you gave me, honestly. In the meantime, take one of these! Hyah!


    Episode 8: Divergence

    Professor Samuel Oak sat in his den, surrounded by books and folders, stacks of ancient papers. With a cup of green tea between his folded hands, he watched the television with the volume just barely on enough to hear. He found that when Ash was here, he himself was more alive. He participated in the joys of life to much more of an extent. He yelled and swore with someone around to hear it, to form an opinion of him, judge him, to make their own philosophical viewpoints and existentialist (or lack thereof) actions with their fair share of reactions.

    The days dragged on, and only Samuel had paid enough attention to life passing by to know how long it had been since Ash left. He knew Ash- he knew that he was the last person to know that it had been almost two weeks, but Samuel couldn't blame him. Time was relative, and Samuel spent eight and a half hours sleeping every night, twelve hours a day studying and working, and the other two went toward daily necessities that Samuel hardly knew how to make time for, despite the sixty-seven years he'd lived on this planet. He remembered many days vividly, but many more he didn't remember at all. Today was a day he would remember for a long time. Today he would see his grandson. Blue said he'd show up around two in the afternoon. By one-thirty Samuel had cleaned off a large portion of the couch, enough for more than the expected company, and several chairs should anybody be so inclined as to recline.

    However, as three o'clock rolled around, he found himself tired of waiting. There was never traffic between Viridian and Pallet- nobody ever came to Pallet. It had about twenty thousand residents, not even big enough to go on a map of the country. Barely big enough to make a map of the region. So if he wasn't here by now, then he wouldn't be there anytime soon. Professor Samuel Oak decided it was late enough when it was a quarter past seven, and ruled that it was time for bed. He changed from the ironed and pressed, yet casual clothes he'd prepared for the occasion, put on some silky blue pajama bottoms, and walked to the fridge. He noticed how much nicer the new window looked, and wondered if he should replace the others. Make the house feel more cheerful. Then, he heard a knock at the door. Despite that he was old and was used to having his hopes dashed, as any person would be, he couldn't help but feel excited that Blue may have finally shown up. 'Perhaps,' Samuel thought, 'he missed his flight and simply caught the next one.' Samuel was to the front door within seconds, and was so excited to didn't bother to grab a shirt from the recliner he'd spent the evening in. Samuel pressed his eye to the peephole on the front door, a smile on his face already, and saw that it was not his grandson. In fact, these were the last people he expected to see. Despite that, he knew why they were there. Anyone would have known why the four of them were there. Oak felt his chin tremble in fear, and suddenly he felt very cold without a shirt on, his flabby stomach and white chest hairs were now embarrassing, and he reached behind himself and grabbed the shirt from the chair, slipping on the white and tan and brown plaid flannel. Samuel swallowed hard from nervous habit. He tried to steady his hands before he opened the door, but then they knocked again. 'Please no,' Samuel thought, 'Please let it be anything else.'

    ---

    Brock sat in the Pewter Gym watching Forrest and Salvador battle. Each was using a geodude (not the most tactical decision on either part, Brock had told them) but it made for a match that showed who was truly the better trainer. Forrest and Salvador were two of Brock's brothers. In fact, Brock had nine younger brothers and sisters. Brock was five years older than Forrest, who was the second oldest child, and Salvador followed by another 11 months. Brock questioned how his mother was capable of having so many kids in such rapid succession. He also wondered how she lived with herself after leaving them all to fend for themselves.

    Forrest's geodude was, at the moment, holding the other geodude to the ground while punching it in the back of the head. The battle looked more like street boxing then fighting, Brock thought. 'They'll learn.'

    Much to Brock's delight a trainer entered the gym. They didn't get trainers as often as he'd like. Most traveled far to fight the more famous gym leaders. Blaine was known for his emotionally engaging battles. Giovanni for his legendary skill in the arena, and even Misty was notorious for her beautiful technique. Brock stood to greet the stranger that had entered. When he approached he realized there were actually two people coming in, a young man with short black hair and a familiar looking pikachu, and a teenager wearing a straw hat. The teen seemed upset that he didn't get to challenge Brock first, and despite that he was now present for the conversation, he continued to talk as if Brock were nowhere to be found. 'Could it be,' Brock thought glumly, 'that my face isn't even familiar anymore? Maybe I should do something to draw more attention to the gym.'

    “Brock!” The dark-haired man said. He smiled broadly and put out his hand for a strong, healthy handshake. Brock found himself liking this stranger more than the other so far. “Been a while. How's the gym life treatin' ya?”

    Brock shrugged hesitantly. “Same as always,” he said. “Do I know you, or are you here for a battle?” He was put off by his approach, as if the two were long-time friends.

    “A little of both, I guess,” Ash said with a smirky grin.

    Brock looked at him, trying to see some familiarity, some recognition. It wasn't going to happen. “Who are you?” Brock finally asked, and Ash proceeded to tell Brock much more than he anticipated. Who he was, why he was, about a coma he’d been in for the past twelve years. He touched on the experiences he’d had in his coma, a dream where Ash and Brock were best friends, and traveled the world together. Ash never intended to tell him all of it, but somehow Brock seemed interested, a morbid curiosity about a life that he was never there for. Brock was taken aback, and he took almost ten minutes before he responded. He simply turned around, hand rubbing the stubble on his chin, and watched as Forrest and Salvador finished their battle.

    “Did the media really portray me that way?” Brock said with a low chuckle. Ash looked at him quixotically.

    “Is that really all you have to say?” Ash said, “You don't think I'm crazy; or have some strange coincidence or eerie parallel?”

    Brock shook his head. “Crazy would be irrelevant. Everyone heavily involved in the battling community knows your name, and though I’d heard you awakened, I didn’t really, err, no offense, but care. From what I can collect by your synopsis of your comatose state and mind-frame is that you shaped the people in your dream to be easily defined and they probably acted exactly how you thought of them, from a completely opinionated and naive standpoint. If I were to guess, nurses watched television in your room, or you had visitors who talked to you a lot. I mean, the comatose state is hard to study, and we don’t know a whole lot about it. It’s mostly theory.” Ash stared at him a little. Brock was always smart, but Ash never knew he was quite so well spoken. “Since you'd only seen some people in the media, television, radio, word-of-mouth, what you heard is what you knew. Twelve years ago was right around the time of the trials trying to put Giovanni in prison, but too many witnesses were paid off, if you ask me, and nothing ever stuck. However, because of all of that you put him as the leader of Team Rocket, which is well-known to everyone, but hasn't been proven in a court of law.”

    “But,” Ash said, thinking about how that all correlated to Brock's counterpart, “Why did you like girls so much?”

    “Well,” Brock said with a blush, “that was your own inner sexual frustration.” Ash turned scarlet, while Yellow’s mouth dropped open in mock amusement. Yellow even let out a small guffaw at Ash’s expense. “Because I traveled around with you, and your body went through puberty while you were in such a state, your sexual frustration had no way to vent and so my character was a vessel for your own desires.” Despite that he phrased it so objectively, Ash felt his face redden even deeper and he found himself speechless. Brock noticed quickly, and suggested they get to battling. “Let’s see if you can put what you learned to the test, huh?”

    Eager for any excuse, and maybe a little for a battle, Ash simply grinned and grabbed one of the pokeballs on his hip. “I'm ready when you are!” he shouted. Brock nodded.

    “You've never had a real gym battle, have you?” Ash shook his head, but he still looked ready to go. Brock tried to make it quick. “Each gym leader will have their own rules and variations, but most gym battles will be about the same. In this instance, it'll be a one-on-one match.” Ash nodded.

    “Fine by me,” he said, “let's get on with this.” Yellow began to shout words of encouragement from the sideline. It sounded awkward in the nearly empty gym, hollow echoes of his prepubescent voice.

    “Let's do this then, Ash,” Brock said smiling a little to himself, and ignoring Yellow. “Hope he knows what he's in for,” Brock said to Forrest, waving his younger brothers from the playing field. Then, he walked to his end of the arena. He paged for the officiate, and then grabbed a couple of Pokémon from the PC in the corner. Brock turned around, and the officiate came through the front door within a few minutes, wearing the classic referee uniform. He looked tired, and he was sniffly, but seemed adequate. Ash's eyes were alive with the anticipation of battling. The officiate spoke.

    “This is a two Pokémon limit, one-on-one battle. Players may not switch Pokémon out. Items are prohibited until after the match, and will result in disqualification should they be used. Should the challenger lose, they may not challenge the Pewter Gym again until it has been 31 days hence. Does the challenger understand and accept these terms?” Ash nodded vigorously. “Then you may commence.”

    Despite Ash's eagerness, Brock had his Pokémon out first. A geodude came into form, clenching and unclenching its fists. Even the geodude knew it had been too long since the last challenger. Ash sent out Concoction, his grimer. “Rock throw,” Brock said quickly, and even quietly. Ash hardly heard him because of the distance between them now, but the geodude got the message quickly, and soon Concoction was subject to being pelted by fair sized stones.

    “Absorb them and throw 'em back!” Ash told his Pokémon loudly. Concoction did as he was instructed, but Brock didn't even tell his Pokémon to dodge. He simply chuckled as Geodude pushed himself away from the ground with both hands, and Ash saw Brock's mouth move, but didn't catch the instruction. Geodude came down hard, slamming a Mega Punch into Concoction. Ash wasn't new at this though. 'I'm a pro,' he thought. 'A lot has changed, but this hasn't.' “Catch it,” Ash said sternly, softly. Geodude tried to reel, but Concoction had his fist held firmly. “Throw him quick, ‘Oction.” Ash said in the same monotonous voice. A professional sounding order. Brock and Ash both noticed the grimer grin in earnest. It sloshed itself around in place, holding the geodude too tightly for it to let go. It also had minimal room to try and fight him off, and found itself simply pushing with its free hand. Oction spun around in circles until his centrifugal force was spinning the geodude around at otherworldly speeds. The geodude could no longer try and push away, and found itself helplessly spinning.

    Oction let go. Geodude flailed wildly as it flew through the air. Ash realized Brock hadn't even given it direction while Concoction spun. In fact, he looked perplexed. Geodude fell to the ground, bouncing several times across the rocky gym floor. He didn't move. The officiate raised a flag in his left hand, after realizing the round had come to an end. “The first victory goes to the challenger!” He shouted. Brock shook his head.

    'He isn't the novice I took him for,' Brock thought. 'I wasn't quire ready to believe it was possible to learn anything in a twelve-year long dream.' Brock sent out his next Pokémon, and an onix appeared in the arena.

    “Not fair,” Ash muttered. Concoction was standing, but he didn't look prepared for another battle. Especially with a much stronger Pokémon. “Great job, 'Oction!” Ash shouted out. Despite his win, he was thinking of the match to come. The onix was about sixteen feet long- not the biggest of onix (in fact fairly small) but it was big enough to pose a serious threat to anyone on Ash's team. He knew he had to choose wisely, because he could only use one more Pokémon. Ash remembered his first battle with Brock. Pikachu had taken out his onix then. Would he still be able to fight a ground-type with an electric? 'Shoot for the stars,' he thought, and he pointed toward the field.

    “Pikachu! I choose you!”

    ---

    Domino walked into a backroom, led by an attendant at the Corner. She was an awkward woman, Domino felt, but understood her hesitation when she said that someone who left himself unnamed was in the freezer, and requested to meet with her in private. Domino was hesitant herself, and instinctively put her right hand on the revolver on her hip. Then, her cell rang. Not many had the number, and when she looked at the caller ID, she saw that it was Mondo. The freezer door was closed, and she assumed it was decently soundproof. She'd make the call quick, assuming all he had to say was that he was in the city.

    “This is Domino. Mondo?” She asked to make sure.

    “Who else?” He said lightly.

    “Are you in Celadon, then?” She said, eying the door.

    “I am. In fact, I'm at the Corner. Can we meet up soon? I've already got a room.”

    Domino wanted to meet up now, but she had to attend to the business at hand. The attendant told her it was urgent. “I'd love to, but I'll have to finish up some work. How about I give you a call afterward?”

    Mondo agreed offhandedly, “Of course. I got a couple of things I need to do around town myself,” Mondo paused before continuing. “I'll be seeing you soon.” And he laughed a little sardonically, maniacally. Domino would have found it cute if she weren't preoccupied.

    “Mondo,” she said seriously, “If I don't call you within an hour, then call me. And if I don't answer then go to the Corner and ask to talk to The Bankruptcy Department.”

    “Sure thing,” he said a bit ignorantly. “Lates.” 'Lates?' She thought. She wished she knew him better so she could have asked him to come with. She wasn't sure, but she felt intimidated by the quietness of the freezer. The lack of activity. She'd just had a conversation outside of it, and whoever was within made no indication of their presence. If she were going to die, then it was at the hands of a professional.

    Domino walked to the freezer door, and when she grabbed the handle she found that it wasn't cold. The door was heavy and big, and she strained a bit when she pulled it back. The lighting inside was minimal, but she couldn't believe what she saw. The freezer was about 9x9 feet squared, while the ceiling was about ten feet high. Everything was concrete, for sake of keeping contents cold, but the freezer must have been broken seeing as it was actually warmer than outside of it. Nothing you would expect to see in a freezer was within. No raw meat, no racks or trays or food. What was inside was an elegant round table with a dark red tablecloth. Atop it was a candelabra with three white candles softly burning, softly glowing. Along the corners of the room were candles set on the ground, about ten per wall; only six on the wall with the door. Mondo sat on the far side of the table, and although Domino had only seen an outdated picture in the file, she recognized him easily. He was handsome, with auburn hair that just barely reached his eyes, neatly combed for the occasion.

    Mondo was equally happy. Unlike Domino, he'd never seen her before, and although he wasn't a very judgmental person, he was pleased that she seemed to be attractive on more than just the inside. In fact, he found her beautiful, with her blonde hair in two long braids falling past each of her shoulders. The black uniform was tight on her body, accentuating the curves of her form to a T. Mondo, being himself, stammered. “Why, uhh, well, close the door?” His voice was unsure. “Unless you don't want to I mean, 'cause we just met but it would be ya know-”
    He paused and he looked into her eyes. Mondo expected to feel even more nervous, but she looked so beautiful, even happy. “It would be more romantic."

    “I've never been one for romance,” Domino said, averting his gaze. She turned around, and Mondo suddenly felt foolish. Much to his surprise, she closed the door. “But I would like the privacy.” She sat down opposite him, and he began to dish up their meal from the silver dish in the middle of the table. The room had an atmosphere, one Mondo had crafted himself, and although most of what he said throughout dinner ended with him hiding his face in embarrassment, Domino would just laugh and grin. She didn't understand what was happening at all. Every man she'd ever dated was egotistical and easy to hate, and yet Mondo was so pleasant for her to be around. So easy to laugh with. She told him this, and for the first time that night Mondo kept what he thought to himself. 'It's because I'm not a man. I'm a boy. And either I won't grow up and you'll hate me for it, or I will and you'll hate me for it.'

    After the meal was finished and the two stopped talking, Mondo stood to clear the table and to take Domino where she needed to go. Domino insisted that he stay in town for the night, even offering Mondo a night's sleep at her home, likely on the sofa. Despite advances, Mondo was just a foolish boy, and he insisted he get back on the road. She knew he was innocent when he declined, but quickly lost the thought as he went to open the freezer door. Mondo learned that freezers only opened from the outside, and Domino was in stitches.

    “The freezer is broken but the door still fucking locks?” He said incredulously. Domino continued laughing uproariously in her chair.

    “It's okay,” she said, standing, suppressing her laughter. “This just means we get to spend some more time together.” She walked over to him while he pushed against the locked door.

    “Of course it's the biggest door since the gates of Hell,” he said bitterly.

    “I'll just call someone,” she said. “After all, everyone I know lives here. Half of them are probably in the building.” Mondo turned to her, and was startled by how close she was standing. Mondo was a head and a half taller, and yet when she stood on the tips of her toes it was quite easy for him to lean his head to meet hers. Mondo had his first kiss when he was nineteen years old. And it was perfect.

  16. #41

    Default

    Thanks for posting another chapter so quickly. It felt shorter but just as good as the last one. That's good that you'll be branching out more on what Pokemon Ash gets. I figured as much, but so far he's only caught pre-evolved versions of what he had.
    You can really feel how much Oak was looking forward to Blue showing up and his disappointment when Blue didn't show. Although, it still sounds like it'll be a day he remembers for the rest of his life.
    Much to Brock's delight a trainer entered the gym. They didn't get trainers as often as he'd like. Most traveled far to fight the more famous gym leaders.
    I don't really get this part. I understand if the order fought didn't matter, but don't they still have to fight every gym leader to challenge the elite four? Why are people ignoring the boulder badge?
    I can't wait to see how Pikachu fights the onix since even Ash acknowledges the huge type disadvantage.

  17. #42

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Bored_Person View Post
    Thanks for posting another chapter so quickly. It felt shorter but just as good as the last one.
    You're most welcome. I hope to post much more consistently from now on.
    Quote Originally Posted by Bored_Person View Post
    You can really feel how much Oak was looking forward to Blue showing up and his disappointment when Blue didn't show.
    I'm really glad I managed to convey that. I think Oak's chapters are important because they aren't as exciting as others, so they help bring the reader back down to reality, I think. I hope.
    Quote Originally Posted by Bored_Person View Post
    I don't really get this part. I understand if the order fought didn't matter, but don't they still have to fight every gym leader to challenge the elite four? Why are people ignoring the boulder badge?
    Something I hope to convey more thoroughly as things progress is that most people only end up with one or two badges. Pokemon training as a career is difficult because it's so lofty. Like becoming a rock star. So, a lot of people will train pokemon when they're younger, then realize how hard it is, and just live with pokemon as friends and pets instead. So, if you're going to be a trainer, and you see every day on television how cool Koga's gym is, and how awesome Lieutenant Surge is, and how intense Blaine's battles are, then you're gonna want to hit those places first. By the time people get around to Brock and Erika's gyms, they've dedicated themselves to Pokemon training as a profession, and that's a lot fewer challengers. With the exception of locals, but as I said in-story, repeat challengers can only rechallenge thirty days after their first challenge.
    Quote Originally Posted by Bored_Person View Post
    I can't wait to see how Pikachu fights the onix since even Ash acknowledges the huge type disadvantage.
    I like that part, personally. Writing the Pokemon battles is challenging in and of itself, so when one turns out how I invisioned it, it pleases me.

  18. #43
    Join Date
    Jan 2009
    Location
    IL
    Posts
    3,130

    Default

    Hey there. I'm from the review game. Since I'm new to this story, I began at episode one and would like to give you my thoughts on that.

    First of all, I have to fully admit that I honestly don't really like the coma theory. It's an interesting view of the series, but as a plot device "it was all a dream" style stories tend to strike me as a cop-out, and coma fantasies in particular have a soap opera feeling to me. My opinions may be rather colored by that fact, but I'll give you as unbiased a treatment of the first episode as I can.

    One thing I notice is that you have a lot of sentences here to the tune of "Ash felt..." Ash felt... scared, embarrassed, more scared, touched, proud, etc. If at all possible it's best to avoid stating your character's feelings outright. It's against the whole "show, don't tell" principle to do otherwise. I mean, think about it, I'm much more apt to be emotionally connected to a character if your words make me feel the emotion, than if you just tell me that's what he's feeling.

    A good example of this would be when you say that "Ash felt embarrassed" when the medical staff was attending to him. You don't need that sentence because you convey the notion of his embarrassment much better when you say that they changed his catheter, or bathed him, or other statements that bring home to me, the reader, how helpless Ash has become. Tacking on an obvious "Ash felt embarrassed" just takes away from that real, genuine experience of empathy with the character and makes me disconnect from him.

    I also noticed that you have a lot of static verbs in this like "was" or "seemed" which don't give any sense of movement. "To be" verbs like "was" certainly can't be avoided in all cases, but wherever possible it's better to use a stronger, more active verb. Lemme give you an example:

    Your sentence: He tried to concentrate, but the noise was too painful.
    Different Verb: He tried to concentrate, but the noise pierced through his thoughts.

    See how the second one has more force? Because "pierced" is a stronger verb than "was."

    There are also a few minor cases where you shift into present tense in this chapter, where the majority of this chapter is written in past tense.

    Onto characters... I haven't gotten much out of Ash yet beyond fear and discomfort--and fear and discomfort certainly make sense for him in the situation he's in. Honestly, I'd expect even more disequilibrium than what's on display here since the guy has basically skipped his entire adolescence, but I'm sure that'll be dealt with more in future chapters.

    There were a few instances where he felt a bit out of character to me, though I suppose it's difficult to talk about his "character" or any other characters with this kind of premise, because everything that was "canon" about them was just a dream. Still, there were moments to me that felt a little off. Calling Oak "Sammy-boy" was one, though I could see that as a matter of character interpretation. No, the important one to me was what he said at the end of this episode...

    I sorta get your explanation for Ash’s line at the end… but it honestly seems way too cold to be justified by him wanting to forget his “dream” life. Particularly while Pikachu’s there it’s just downright mean—like saying he didn’t want her in his dreams. He could’ve just said to forget about it, or that he didn’t want to talk about it, or simply that he wanted to dwell on the real world.

    As for Oak, my only real complaint is his "fucking" comment. I did read your intro, and honestly, I don't mind swearing at all. But this instance didn't feel natural for the situation or his character. It felt more like a message to the reader that "Yeah, these characters are going to swear. Get used to it," than a sincere utterance on his part.

    There seems to be a quasi-father/son relationship going on between Oak and Ash, at least in episode one. I mean, there's some of that in the anime already, but the context here is different and that makes it interesting. It in particular makes me wonder what happened to Gary.

    If we get to pacing, I think time compresses a little too much in this. I know you want to get to the meat of the story, beyond the hospital bed, but six months of Ash's recovery gets pretty much just glossed over and I assume that would include some pretty formative stuff. Also getting the information about Delia’s struggles with breast cancer as a summary instead of a touching scene in which Oak confides in Ash makes it much harder to feel the sadness of the event. It just goes by too quickly and too matter-of-factly for me to feel the emotional impact.

    I think you've got some really good descriptions in here, particularly in the hospital. How helpless Ash is, the controlled conditions his life is under, is all brought home very nicely. The bit with Ash finally managing to yawn is particularly well-handled. It's such a small development, but for him, it's a huge milestone. It's particularly because these bits are so good that I wish we'd spent more time on Ash's recovery instead of going forward to Ash coming home with Oak.

    I find the aspect of this story dealing with a murderer targeting ten-year-olds and the effect it had on trainer licensing for children very interesting. You’d assume with all the horrors of the world, that sending out little kids on their own would’ve been a hot button issue, so seeing that touched upon here is nice. And it certainly makes sense with the premise of the show being the fantasy world of a ten-year-old and real life being much grittier.

    So there are my thoughts on episode one. Because of my feelings toward the premise, I do understand that this might not be the fic for me, but I certainly see a lot of potential here and that it's something that others who connect with the plot-line more easily could enjoy. I hope somewhere in this I've said something that's helpful to you, and I wish you luck as you continue writing.

  19. #44

    Default

    You actually said quite a bit that's helpful, and sincerely, thank you. One thing I have trouble with is reading my own writing. I can see that it's a lower quality, but it isn't obvious to me why. Why is it that when I read a novel, it's engrossing and engaging, why does it draw me in so much more? I think you really touched on a lot of important factors that will help me to push this story onto being more than just fanfiction. Thank you.

Page 2 of 2 FirstFirst 12

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •