Ava nodded slowly, then looked back to the scenery in front of her. From her perch
on top of a rather large hill, (Cut out comma?)
looking down onto the smallest town of the region, s
he was able to see the entire area (or better word)
with almost perfect clarity
from her height
. It consisted of about ten houses, considering the possibility of one hiding. One building overshadowed them all, larger than the rest: obviously some sort of major business. The major interesting aspect of the town to Ava, however,
was the fact it was
surrounded by trees on all sides except for the northeastern corner. (northeast corner may be too specific?)
You have a really wonderful writing style and I must say I already love reading your work. However, this paragraph just felt slightly awkward to me. It's not too bad, trust me, but I just felt like it could use some sprucing up. To me the major thing that could have used some work was that second sentence in the paragraph so I tried my best to give you an example of other ways to do it; before it was mostly "Ava nodded slowly. She was on a hill. She was looking at a small town. It consisted of ten houses. One building was bigger than everything else. There were trees." (well, that's a crappy run down version of your paragraph anyways) I can already tell you're a much better writer than just that, so I'm trying to help make things flow. Think of details like you'd think of peas, and readers are the screaming, bratty children; you don't want readers to know you're feeding 'em peas, so you have to use a bunch of smoke and mirrors to make them not even look like peas at all. Does that make sense? Sorry for cracking down on this part, it just seemed slightly information dump-y. You don't have to take my suggestions in the quoted area, obviously, since I'm sure they're not the best; I was just trying to show you in the quote ways you could try to hide the details while still having them there.
Ava fell down to her knees, then lay
herself on her back.
This one's iffy. Those words mess everyone up, and it just sounds awkward (at least to me) with the word lay. You don't have to change it, but eh.
"Aw, geez, Bianca's late. As usual."
"Aw, geez. Bianca's late as usual." The extra period between "Bianca's late" and "as usual" makes the line a tad choppy.
It fell up against his blue cap, and fell back down to resting a bit over his eyes, which were focused on the boy in the corner of the room.
It pressed against his blue cap before falling back down over his eyes, which were focused on the boy in the corner of the room. Currently the sentence just doesn't make as much sense to me as it could; it fell up
? o: Either way, I like how this is going so far. I already think Ava's awesome. Teddiursa are pretty much the shizz. Lol.
"DAMN YOU MOTHER!" Blair thought. "Cursing me with a name like Blair Lindsey!"
Two things I want to note here: 1) When doing thoughts, I don't think the quotation marks are actually needed. If you were to take them out, the sentence would make much more sense because when a person reads it with
quotation marks they instantly assume someone's speaking it out loud. It sent me for a loop for a second. Oh, and 2) BAHAHAHAH. Blair Lindsey. Poor boy. xD That's great you decided to poke so much fun at his girly name. Lol.
"Yes, ma'am. It would be kind of rude to open this gift without her, if the gift was also addressed to her."
Unnecessary comma in the second sentence is unnecessary.
"You're an idiot, Lindsey."
"At least call me by my first name, Cheren!" Blair said.
"Would you prefer 'my dear gal Lindsey', then?" Cheren asked.
"Call me Blair, damn you!" Blair exclaimed.
You have a good opportunity here to actually remove the extra "xxxxx said, xxxx asked" et cetera stuff here. A person can easily tell just who's talking given the dialogue and how there are only two people. The "Blair said, Cheren asked, Blair exclaimed" sort of detracts from the experience. I'm loving the characterization you're already incorporating, however; it feels like they really have known each other for ages and we're just being thrown in to any given scene in their life, just the way a story really should feel. Kudos.
Bianca tightened her grip around his neck, and Blair flailed his arms in futile resistance. Bianca let go a moment later. "We all know I'm the second smartest in this room, eh, Cheren?"
"Next to my bedsheets, maybe," Blair said.
Lol. 'K so. No problems here, I just love this part. I never saw Bianca as the kind to put someone in a headlock. xD That's great on your part for adding in. Two, Blair's a total smartas
s and I'm loving it. Hahah. That line at the bottom of the quote is hilarious. xD
Oh, and if you haven't figured it out by now, look behind the box. Meatheads.
Ahahaha. xD You're doing wonderfully to incorporate a fun, light-hearted sense of humor into this fic already. Congrats, most people aren't able to pull it off as well as you.
Finally, the last one, on the right, read, "Tepig: Fire Pig Pokemon: Fire Type".
Unnecessary commas are unnecessary. The only ones needed in that sentence are the ones after "finally" and "read." Though I see what you were trying to do with the other two, it just doesn't really work out that well and makes the sentence slightly choppy.
The only card left coupled with a ball was the one labeled Tepig. So he had chosen Snivy.
WOOT! Snivy for the win. :3 Best starter in 5th gen for sure. Also, the "settling decisions with rock paper scissors" thing was a fun addition. Your fic is really quite the enjoyable read so far.
Ava glanced down on her shirt, seeing smears of green and brown on her shirt.
By the time you say shirt a second time, we already know that it's on her shirt from when you say it the first time. Just take out the second shirt part.
"Yes, ma'am. My father came from this region, and I kind of want to explore my roots. You know?" Ava said.
"Ah, a good cause. Not many people like to take an initiative like that. I respect it."
"Thanks, Professor," Ava said.
Same as earlier when I said that the "xxxxx said, xxxxx said" isn't necessary and sort of detracts from the dialogue.
This is the version used here in Unova. It contains data on all 142 Pokemon native to Unova.
Two things: First, the second Unova is a tad repetitive. Rather, why not switch it out for something like, "this region" ? It makes it sound a bit better. Secondly, looking at the quote before this one, you stopped using the whole "blank said" thing shortly after that quote. Good show, old bean. ;D
Why would this woman give HER of all people such a rare model of Pokedex?
Ahahahah. "as if she were growing lobsters out of her ears." Best analogy ever. xD However, seeing as how it's the Pokemon world (unless there are real Pokemon in your world as well, which isn't unheard of in fics) what about saying Crawdaunt or Krabby/Kingler out of her ear? Not necessary, but it helps immerse the Pokemon experience. Also, for the above quote, should it be "of a
Well, that was a humorous way to start a journeyfic. I don't blame you for wanting to start one after playing Black and White, the thought crossed my mind as well. (White for the win!) Your characters interact with each other very well and your writing style is impeccable. Your story is a delight to read with your word choices and way of explaining things, it was actually incredibly refreshing. Congrats, 'cause normally a person has to take fan fic stories with a grain of salt (though not so much on this forum). You have a real masterpiece working up here so I'll be more than happy to read on.
However, there IS one thing I noticed while going through this chapter (thought it wasn't as present in Chapter Two so who knows if it's been worked out or not). Your dialogue could use some touching up in the sense of how you describe it afterwards. You normally use one of three things whenever your character is done talking. "So-and-so said," "So-and-so replied," or "So-and-so exclaimed." Granted there are one or two examples that break the mold, but that was the main thing I noticed were those three things. Like I pointed out several times, there were instances were anything after it was unnecessary. However, you can't just not put anything after every single time. I'd suggest trying to spice things up a bit because reading that over and over again starts to get very old. Instead, why not try to add action in it? For example, take this sentence:
Blair looked to Bianca, who's face had gone pale. He cocked an eyebrow.
"But I'm too young to die, Cheren!" she exclaimed.
This is a great opportunity to not only add characterization to Bianca but to also break the "So-and-so exclaimed" fallback you've been using. Instead, show her emotions rather than what she's saying. You can use instances like this to really give the readers a feel for her. Let's see if it's any better (though my example may not be since it'll be done in two seconds xD)
Blair looked to Bianca, who's face had gone pale. He cocked an eyebrow.
"But I'm too young to die, Cheren!" Bianca cried, clasping her hands over her mouth and taking a step backwards as if ready to flee.
Remember other ways of saying dialogue such as "cried, wailed, stuttered, moaned, whispered," et cetera to spice things up, and if you don't feel any of those fit, you can always just use action instead.
There's my critique for chapter one. Sorry for the super long-ness of this. It was over-all one of the better intros to a journeyfic I've read. I look forward to reading Chapter Two. ;3