Revenant (rated-R)

[SilentMemento]

I figure that I should reply to the people who have kindly reviewed this story.

SPAAAAAAAAAAAAAACE!!!!!! Interesting setting for a psychological horror.

Yes, it is quite a lovely setting - just not for the protagonist.

Oh, boy. Fakemon.

Actually, I only hint at Fakemon. If you're worried about Fakemon popping up in this story, I can assure you that they won't.

I totes forgot this was a dream. I thought you were really killing him off this early.

Cool. I want to make the nightmare sequences as life-like as possible; they're there for a reason.

This chick creeps me out.

I can certainly see why.

You don't need the comma.

Alright. I'll get to fixing that.

Wait, so, when he cut himself in his dream, he did it in real life?

Nope. The wound happened in real life. It's just that he didn't do that to himself.

This made me giggle.

I wanted to include that to establish more of the relationship that Andrea and Claude had. She was definitely the alpha female to his omega male.

Umm... Are you talking recreational drugs (marajuana, cocaine, etc) or medicine drugs (ADD pills/ Antidepressants would seem fitting here)?

If you want to get technical, I'd go with medicinal, but the drug itself is more along the lines of a futuristic painkiller. Those effects are going to be described with more detail in the next chapter.

Ooh, fun! He gets his head blown off!

Nah, nothing so crude.

YAY! Eyelid removal! (That's a new one.)

Yeah, I can only imagine how awful that must be.

More giggling.

Faitios and Deifir have a rather...interesting dynamic. A love-hate relationship if you will.

This is so amusing. Also, it still doesn't make Andrea any less creepy. Love it.

I don't think that taking away snacks for a lifetime is going to make up burning a soul to a crisp. It's probably just my opinion, though.

You know what? I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that the remainder of this scene is incredibly amusing.

Thank you. That's what I intended to portray; things back then weren't always as bleak as they are now.

Yay! She's alive! ...Or not. That's cool too.

So you liked that scene as well? Awesome. I'm glad that I did that justice.

Interesting! I wonder who exactly “he” is, and what role he played. (Unless you mentioned him earlier, and it slipped my mind.)

I've mentioned him in the first chapter, although it was much too vague of a glimpse to get what kind of person this man was.

That is awesome. It’s cool how it speaks as “we,” yet at the same time acts like only one person.

Thank you. I'm glad that I could portray the Revenant the way that I intended.

Whoa...that is freaky :O Excited to see what happens next...

Yeah. Poor Jerrell...

I'm really liking your setting. I'm interested to see what other terrors the spaceship holds.

Thank you for the compliments. I'll make sure to pull out all of the stops during this story.

As for the fifth chapter, I've gotten to a good portion of the beginning, and it's going along well. I'm going to be gone during Thanksgiving Break, so that'll give me Wednesday to Sunday to write the remainder of the chapter.

Edit: Sorry about that, @MeRoNo@. I should probably get to your review; I owe you that much.

I really like your story but i have a few questions like what is the ranking system? Did Claude do something wrong to receive his rank/job or is it just average? Does the collar signify a lower rank or it it the same for everyone so that info doesnt leak out to the enemy? Also how do their pokemon get chosen and could they get more? Are the pokemon specially trained for their trainers jobs and are just randomly handed out from there? Sorry for the random questions just a bit curious =P Keep up the good work with your writing!

It's no problem. I love answering questions like these.

The ranking system is rather simple. When an MSE hasn't completed their first mission - much like Claude - they have the "Second Class" ranking. A "First Class" ranking would show that they've had a successful solo mission. It's also entirely separate from the normal ranking system (I'm going by United States standards), so guys like Dredge, Jennings, and even Harris are much higher up than Claude, who is younger than all of them.

As for the job? There's only a limited amount of MSEs. It's like the space version of the U.S. Army Rangers/Navy SEALs or the U.K. SAS. They only accept the best. Collars are given to every MSE so that information doesn't leak out, and it's actually like a symbol of pride to them. They go through a lot just to get one (as I said in the second chapter, it's surgically grafted to their necks. Most people aren't strong enough to go through something like that.)

The Pokemon...well, they're actually given to the person and trained up from there. Unfortunately, in this fic, it's not legal to own more than two. To make a long story short, there was a war, and many Pokemon were used against the government. Some would be given out for certain jobs (for example, Skarmory and Absol would have combat capabilities, so it makes sense to give them to someone in the military), but it's normally decided by what the government wants them to have. They'd probably keep the best ones for the highest ranking generals, commanders, and other influential military men and women. Favoritism (in the case of Andrea, for example) also plays a factor.

Thank you all for your kind reviews; it's awesome to get feedback like this.

[@MeRoNo@]

I really like your story but i have a few questions like what is the ranking system? Did Claude do something wrong to receive his rank/job or is it just average? Does the collar signify a lower rank or it it the same for everyone so that info doesnt leak out to the enemy? Also how do their pokemon get chosen and could they get more? Are the pokemon specially trained for their trainers jobs and are just randomly handed out from there? Sorry for the random questions just a bit curious =P Keep up the good work with your writing!

[SilentMemento]

I know that this is way later than Thanksgiving (and November of 2011) and I do sincerely apologize. I have no excuses, but I hope that with this next chapter, you'll forgive me. (As a warning, this chapter has allusions to drug abuse, and the side-effects are described in the first part. You've been warned):

Chapter Five

...

Two years prior to the events aboard the Revenant, on a moonless autumn night, an old house of mirrors loomed large against the starry backdrop. The carnival it had been a part of had been closed to the public years ago, and the house of mirrors itself was in complete disrepair. Every mirror was cracked or broken, and blood-red shards of glass littered the floor in a macabre version of a jigsaw puzzle.

Claude Pokulok was past the point of caring about his surroundings. The only thing he felt was complete and utter numbness – and if he was truly honest with himself, that was what he preferred. Even the glass shards that dug into his exposed skin were inconsequential in comparison to the detachment that he felt.

To his disappointment, the numbness began to fade. Pain threaded its way up his spine, lancing through his mind. It took every bit of his limited self-control to suppress a shout, but a soft gasp still escaped his lips. He gritted his teeth in frustration.

Why can’t it stay this way? I don’t want these emotions anymore. Why can’t I just get rid of them for good?

He caught a movement out of the corner of his eye, but he only saw a defeated shadow of himself in the broken mirror. The reflection was emaciated with disheveled hair and dulled eyes, but the thing that truly frightened the MSE was that his reflection’s face held a warped grin in its depths. The teenager felt the cold claws of fear grip his heart; he knew that he wasn’t smiling.

“What do you want from me?” Pokulok snarled at his mirror image.

“I come with a message from Andrea,” the reflection said in a disarming tone.

His muscles began to relax. “What’s the message?” he whispered. “Can I see her?”

“Come closer,” the mirror image replied, beckoning him over with a finger.

The MSE shakily got to his feet and staggered over toward the mirror. He felt as though he was wading through frozen mud; every step seemed to take him further away from his destination, and his willpower slipped away from him like sand running through his fingers.

“Come here, Claude,” his reflection called. “Don’t you want to know what Andrea said?”

“I…do,” Pokulok replied in a slurred tone. “Yes, I do. What did she say? Please tell me.”

The reflection’s teeth seemed to gleam in the darkness as an emaciated arm reached out from its glassy prison and grabbed the teenager by the throat. “She said die!” it hissed callously.

Pokulok let out a fearful cry, desperately trying to get away from the vice grip. Sheer panic blotted out everything in his mind, even when his fingers closed around the handle of his pistol. Training and instinct then took over as he brandished his firearm at the mirror and squeezed the trigger. Glass shattered all around him, but he kept firing until three small clicks emitted from the gun.

He heard an inhuman laugh behind him. He whirled around and saw a cracked mirror with three of his reflections sneering at him. Out of terror, he flung his pistol at the mirror, not even watching to see if he had hit it. He shielded his head with his arms and curled into a ball.

“Get the fuck away from me!” Pokulok shrieked. His eyes were as wide as twin moons. “Get away!”

Heavy footsteps echoed through the hall, rushing toward his location. He made the mistake of looking up and nearly fainted when the owner of the footsteps came within sight.

The MSE had not been a serious believer in demonic forces, but the thing that appeared before him couldn’t have been described as anything less than a fiend that had escaped from hell. The fiend was coated in slimy black scales and long spines that jutted out from its back. Drool dripped from its toothy maw, almost as if it was savoring his fear, and despite the fact that its eyes were nothing but empty sockets, he could have sworn that there was a sadistic gleam in their depths. It stalked toward him on all fours, lashing its whip-like tail. The sound of its claws tapping on the floor sent shudders through his nerves.

“No,” Pokulok begged. “Please don’t hurt me…”

The fiend let out a low-pitched, garbled cry that he couldn’t understand and raised a single razor-thin claw. The teenager instinctively kicked at the monster, but it dodged and pinned his body to the ground in one swift motion. He struggled and screamed, but there was nobody around to hear him.

The fiend drove its claw into a vein in his left arm. The MSE gasped and started to hyperventilate. He felt the blackness close around his eyes, and he came to a disturbing conclusion.

Poison. It’s poisoning me…

The monster began to speak in its garbled tone, but to his surprise, the voice began to morph into something familiar before he passed out.

“That ought to help…”

…

The sight that greeted Pokulok when he woke up was a bald black man in his mid-thirties dressed in the white uniform of a medical officer. He noticed pieces of broken glass on the floor, and he realized that he was still in the house of mirrors.

“Who…who are you?” he mumbled.

“You should know who I am, seeing as I’ve taught you since you were ten,” the man growled in a tone that held more than a hint of anger.

The MSE’s eyes glimmered with recognition. “Jerrell,” he muttered. “It’s been a wh-”

“I don’t want you to talk right now,” Harris said coldly. “I want you to listen to me and answer my questions honestly. Do you understand?”

“Ye-”

“What did I say about talking?”

Pokulok bit his tongue and nodded in reply.

The brown eyes of his CO showed no sign of kindness or sympathy. “What in the name of Arceus were you thinking?” he spat furiously. “Do you know what that foul concoction does to your mind and body? Do you know how much shit you’re in right now?”

“What do you mean?”

“The drug you used is a very volatile painkiller that’s been banned around the world because of its side effects. Furthermore, the only people who produce and sell it have ties to the UA. You could easily be charged with treason.”

“Side effects?”

Harris sighed. “Side effects such as violent hallucinations,” he replied in the tone of a parent lecturing their child. “I’m surprised that you don’t know what I’m talking about; you were experiencing those very same side effects when I tried to sedate you.”

Pokulok blinked in shock. “That was you?” he whispered in a pained voice. “Jeez, I’m sor-”

“Don’t apologize to me,” Harris interrupted. “You’ve only hurt yourself, not me or anyone else.”

The teenager stared in confusion. “You don’t want an apology?” he asked. “Then what do you want? Look, if you want me to get help-”

“Getting help isn’t optional. I am going to help you, whether you want it or not. I just want you to tell me why you’d dishonor Andrea’s memory like this.”

“What?”

“Do you think that Andrea would want to see you in this state, Claude? Don’t you think she’d be ashamed to see you reduced to this?” Harris pointed at a discarded needle lying amongst the shards of bloodied glass.

The young MSE blinked twice. “I…I don’t know,” he replied in a forced tone.

The medical officer shook his head. “I refuse to accept that answer, Claude,” he said calmly. “She loved you, but I honestly don’t believe that she would have wanted you to throw your life away because she died.”

Anger flared in Pokulok’s heart. “You didn’t know her!” he snarled viciously, his voice becoming louder with each word. “You don’t dream of - you have no idea what she would have thought! You don’t have a fucking clue!”

For a moment, Harris stood as still as a stone statue. He then let out a soft sigh. “Claude, you’re forgetting that I taught her as well,” he said in a quiet tone filled with infinite patience. “You two were some of my brightest students.” He paused to catch his breath. “I don’t claim to know her exact thoughts or feelings. I don’t claim to know yours either. I merely asked if you think she would have wanted this.”

The teenager felt his mentor’s words reverberate through his mind. A shudder wove its way through his body. His eyes watered, and he furiously tried to blink the tears away. Harris must have noticed the sudden shift in emotion, since he placed a gentle hand on his subordinate’s shoulder.

“Listen to me carefully,” the medical officer said, looking into the MSE’s eyes. “I don’t give a damn what the military says; there’s no shame or weakness in crying. It shows that you’re hurt and that you still have enough empathy to feel pain. In other words, it shows that you’re human. You don’t need anyone’s permission to show your emotions. Go on.”

Any forced bravado that the adolescent had vanished with Harris’ last sentence. His body trembled uncontrollably as he let out several heartbroken sobs. Whatever anger and hatred he had left gave way to an odd mixture of sorrow and relief, which immediately turned back into anger.

What’s wrong with me? I can’t lose it like this. I’m a fucking MSE, for God’s sake!

Pokulok stubbornly wiped away his tears and looked at his commanding officer. “Why risk your career for an old pupil of yours?” he asked suspiciously.

Harris shrugged. “It wouldn’t be right if I stood by and watched from afar. Now let’s get you to a detox facility.”

Without any warning, a black fog rose from the ground, smothering the scenery in a curtain of darkness. Pokulok whirled around, his sightless eyes filled with fear.

What the hell? What’s going on?

Goddamn you! Why won’t you quit sifting through your mind? Why can’t you just drop it?

Who are-

Just stay the hell away from your memories. You’ll thank me for this, I swear.

I don’t-

STOP! You’re still on that ship, remember? You can’t afford a lapse in concentration. You can’t afford to let that thing get to you. Now open your eyes before I open them for you.

But-

Do it!

…

Pokulok’s eyes snapped open as he woke from his daydreaming. He never thought that anything could be worse than reliving the lowest point of his life, but as he stared at the nightmarish scene in the security room, he had to admit that rock bottom was looking very tempting compared to this God-forsaken ship.

The necklace that dangled from his fingers felt as cold as ice. The gut feeling he had would have normally been dismissed as irrational, but he knew that the dead body lying against the wall was Harris. Who else had a necklace like that?

Still, you have to make sure. That’s standard protocol.

The teenager shook his head and took a small square-shaped object – the DNA scanner – out of his bag. He gently gripped the left wrist of the body with one hand and used the other to press the object against the thumb. After a few seconds, the scanner emitted a soft ping. He flipped it over to the other side, and his heart sank when he saw a picture of his former commanding officer pop up on the screen. He angrily flipped the scanner into his bag.

“This is just perfect,” the MSE muttered in a furious tone. He ran his hands through his hair. “Okay, Claude, just think for a moment. What’s going to help me get out of this mess?” His eyes wandered to the shotgun lying in Harris’ lap. A smile grew on his face.

A bit of extra firepower can’t hurt.

He picked up the firearm and examined it. It had a rather outdated double-barrel design, but it could certainly be a powerful asset at close range. He checked the weapon to see if it was loaded, and to his frustration, he noticed that the barrels were empty.

Okay, Jerrell, let’s see if you have any ammo on you.

A quick search turned up two shotgun slugs and little else of note. After loading the shotgun, the teenager attached it to a magnetic placeholder in the back of his suit. “Okay,” he said calmly. “You’re only giving me two bullets. That’s fine. I guess that means I have to find more. Let me see…what else is there?”

His eyes flitted around the room, looking for anything that could be useful to him. He noticed a flashlight sitting on a desk as well as an odd disk-shaped object that he hadn’t seen before.

Is that…is that a video log?

Pokulok rummaged through his bag for a few seconds before his fingers grasped the handle of the hacking device. He walked toward the desk, picked up the video log, and inserted it into a slot in the cylindrical tool. A small holographic video slowly appeared amidst static. The terrified face of Jerrell Harris loomed large across the screen.

“Hello?” he stated in a panicky voice. “Is this thing working?” His expression then turned into relief. “Thank the gods. I thought that everything had gone dead when it attacked.

“Now I have to discuss the situation I’m in. I’ve locked myself in the security room, and I don’t think that any of the spawn of that thing can get in. I have no illusions about what’s going to happen; nobody’s going to get here in time to save me. Still, it’s better than assimil-”

Static flashed across the screen, and Pokulok angrily shook the device until it came online again.

“-poor souls never stood a chance. Anyway, I know I’m going to die, but I might as well tell the viewer what I’ve seen. Maybe they’ll stand a better chance.” Harris laughed hollowly. “Nah, fuck what I just said. This thing can alter the entire fabric of reality, for Mew’s sake. It warps-”

Another burst of static stopped the video version of Harris from disclosing information that was obviously important. The MSE jiggled the hacking device again, and a more haggard version of Harris appeared. His face was gaunt, and there was a wild look in his eyes that the teenager had never seen before.

“For Arceus’ sake, stop tapping on the damned door!” he shrieked in an uncharacteristically-harsh tone. “You’ll never get in, you bastards!” He covered his face with his hands for only a second before taking them off. “No, I’ve got to focus,” he mumbled. “I don’t know how long it’s been keeping me alive like this. Hours? Days? Yeah, it has to be days; there’s no way that I could be this hungry and thirsty in mere hours. And the spawn keep tapping on this door nonstop. It’s driving me nuts.

“Anyway, I think I’ve figured it all out. I know why they’ve been keeping this thing secret, and if the government knows that I know, they’d send someone to silence me. This was planned over the course of twenty years. They weren’t planning on this exact result, but they took advantage of it. I just never thought that what they did could be humanly possible. They-”

For the third time, static cut off the video. Pokulok furiously shook the device yet again, hoping that this effect wasn’t permanent. When the video of his former commanding officer appeared, he unconsciously took a step back out of shock. Harris somehow looked worse than he had in the previous video. His eyes were bloodshot, his face was emaciated, and his body was twitching and shuddering in what seemed to be involuntary movements. He looked more like an inmate locked up in a rubber room than a respected medical officer.

“Arceus, Mew, gods almighty, make this stop,” Harris pleaded desperately. “I won’t sin again, I’ll build shrines across the world, I’ll do whatever the hell you want me to do, just please end this! Gods, end this!”

Static blurred the screen again, but a new image appeared before Pokulok could react. Harris seemed almost lifeless in this image. He wasn’t moving at all, and all of the light in his eyes was gone. The only time Pokulok could remember seeing such a look was after Andrea had been-

Don’t you dare think about that! You already have enough nightmares as it is. Skip this part. You don’t want to see Jerrell like this.

Before he could reply to his conscience, the medical officer had already looked up at the screen.

“You know, I’ve wanted to get this off of my chest for so long," he murmured. "I figure that I should start now. I’ve been angry at Claude for too long. I thought the worst of him after he murdered that man in cold-blood. It doesn’t make it any less wrong, but I think I understand why he’s done what he’s done.”

Skip the scene.

What?

Do it or I’ll hurt you.

Why? Jerrell mentioned me by name-

A sudden pain ripped through his head, and Pokulok fell to his knees, groaning in pain. He held a hand over his watering eyes.

Do as you’re fucking told!

“Okay, okay, I’ll skip the scene,” he breathed. He twisted the knob on the end of the hacking device until static washed over the video. Five seconds passed before the little voice spoke again.

There. That’s far enough.

He took his hand off of the knob and watched the rest of the video. The medical officer was now holding a very familiar-looking shotgun in his hands.

“Thank the gods I found this,” Harris said with a sinister chuckle. “Thank you, gods. Thank you for giving me a way out.” A crazy light formed in his eyes as he placed the barrel of the shotgun under his chin. “You may have gotten everyone else, but you’ll never get me!”

Pokulok suddenly realized what was going to happen. He shut his eyes and covered them with his hand, but the earsplitting blast that came afterward told him more than he ever wanted to know. He stopped the video without looking at it and gritted his teeth in rage.

Why did you do this? Why?! I was right there! I could’ve helped you, you selfish bastard!

His thoughts were quickly interrupted by a familiar voice inside of his head.

(Claude!) Deifir growled furiously. (You better have a damn good reason for ignoring us like this.)

“Jerrell’s dead, Deifir,” the MSE replied in a flat tone. “He killed himself. That thing drove him out of his mind.”

A short pause followed. (What do you want us to do?) Deifir asked quietly.

The teenager sighed in relief. Thank God that his Pokemon was calm. He only wished that the same could be said for him. “Just stay put. I’m going to place a call, and I’ll proceed from there.”

He grabbed his bag and searched the contents until he found the transceiver. He put the tool to his ear and took a deep breath to steady his nerves. “Come in, command,” he said in a clear voice. “This is Pokulok calling from the Revenant, and I would really love to know what the hell happened on this ship. Do you copy?”

To his surprise, the call was answered in a heartbeat. “This is Dredge,” his current commanding officer said in a nervous tone. “Why are you still on that ship?”

“Are you going to answer my question?” Pokulok snapped. “What in God’s name is going on here? Jerrell just committed suicide, and my fucking ship is gone. You better have a damn good answer for this, Dredge.”

“Your ship isn’t gone,” the lieutenant murmured.

The teenager let a harsh laugh escape his mouth. “That’s a bunch of shit,” he replied brashly. “You’re not getting my point, asshole. You’ve been lying to me and using me for the entirety of this mission, and I’m getting really sick of it. You owe me the tru-”

“Shut your mouth and listen!” Dredge interrupted. “I’m putting my ass on the line for you because I don’t want to see anyone’s life get thrown away for nothing.”

“What?”

“You heard me. You’re in terrible danger, and if you don’t listen to what I say, you’re going to face a fate much worse than death. That thing has powers that you can’t even begin to comprehend.”

“You knew? You knew all this time and didn’t tell me?!”

“That’s not important! It’s screwing with you, Claude. It’s-”

A high-pitched screech echoed from the transceiver, forcing Pokulok to drop the tool. The Revenant’s laughter echoed through the room as the mist wrapped itself around his legs.

“We’re sorry, but we can’t allow you to have access to that information,” it crooned in a mocking tone. “That’s strictly on a need-to-know basis.”

“You son of a bitch!” Pokulok spat venomously. “You fucking murderer!”

“The term ‘son of a bitch’ isn’t really the right one to define us,” the thing replied coolly. “We are an ‘it’, and it would be kind of you to recognize that.”

“I don’t care!” he snapped. He desperately tried to contact his Pokemon, but the mist seemed to block out everything.

“They can’t hear you,” the monster said calmly. “It’s just you and us, and we think that it’s time to play another game.”

“I refuse to do it,” he growled, his voice shaking. “I won’t let you do this to me. I’m leaving.”

A short pause ensued. “Is that your final answer?” the Revenant snarled cruelly. “No, that doesn’t matter. We’ve tolerated your stubbornness up until now, but it seems as though you haven’t gotten our message. Perhaps this will make you reconsider?”

Pokulok heard a small noise come out of nowhere, which quickly morphed into the beginnings of an agonized scream.

“No,” he murmured in horror. “Don’t do this.”

The scream grew louder until he could hear the person behind it. It was a little girl, probably no older than five, and it almost sounded like…no, that monster couldn’t be that cruel.

“Please, God, no!” he cried. “Not her! Anyone but her! Don’t do this!”

The tortured scream continued as the Revenant ignored his pleas. It only stopped when the girl took a breath, but it quickly started up again.

Pokulok felt his eyes begin to water. “Stop it!” he begged. “Stop it, you bastard!”

“We thought we told you not to call us that,” the thing replied coldly. “It’ll only get worse from here. We can promise you that much. Will you reconsider?”

“Fine!” he spat as he furiously blinked his tears away. “I’ll play your stupid game!”

“You humans are truly weak,” it sneered mockingly. “You’re so much like the toys of your children. You’re all so easy to lose, to break, to ruin. Such broken little toys…”

“Just tell me how to play the goddamned game!”

“Patience, Claude. We were getting to that point. Like before, there is a man hidden in a room on this ship. You may use the flashlight that you have in your possession. Who knows? Maybe you’ll find him before the poor fellow goes insane from our presence.”

Pokulok’s body shook with uncontrollable rage. “Is that all?” he snarled.

“No. We also wanted to make our observations of you. You’re such an emotional human, even more so than the rest of your pathetic race. You cry at every memory you have, you freak out when you see your own shadow, and you get angry at everything that doesn’t go your way. With all of those weaknesses, we’re very surprised that you haven’t completely shut down by now. Something has been driving you forward, and we truly want to know what it is. However, that still won’t save you. We will break you, Claude. The only thing that we don’t know is when it will happen.”

The mist dissipated in the air along with the Revenant’s presence, but the cold feeling that ate away at his brain lingered behind. He violently shook his head.

The monster’s just trying to scare me. Come on, Claude. You have to focus. There’s someone that needs saving, and you’re the only one who’s there to help.

He grabbed the flashlight off of the desk and tried to contact his Pokemon again. “Faitios, Deifir, talk to me,” he said.

(Claude, can we go now?) Faitios asked in a panicked voice. (Please?)

“I’m sorry, Faitios,” the adolescent replied sadly. “I want to go too, but there are hostages on this ship, and I can’t leave them behind.”

(You mean that the Revenant won’t let you leave them,) Deifir answered coldly.

The MSE sighed. “It’s a lot more complicated than that. I’m not going to stand by and let more people die because I couldn’t help.”

(Claude-)

“I’ll update you as much as I can, but I need you guys to stay where you are and stick together no matter what. I promise that I’ll be back at the earliest opportunity.”

Pokulok severed the line of communication and stepped out of the room. The first thing that he noticed was that all of the lights had burned out. He immediately turned on the flashlight and held it in his left hand. He kept his right hand near the pistol holster.

The MSE took a deep breath. “Okay,” he muttered. “Just keep walking.”

Traversing the ship almost seemed to take longer than the last time. He still had no idea where he was, the hallway seemed to stretch out forever, and every turn led him to a dead end. After the third dead end, he instinctively quickened his pace to a fast jog.

Is this another one of its mind games?

He halted when the small sound of footsteps reached his ears. His fingers curled around the handle of the pistol, ready to draw it out and shoot at a moment’s notice. The footsteps continued to tap behind him.

Get ready. Ready…

“Claude?”

He drew his pistol and turned around simultaneously, but his shock and disbelief stopped him from pulling the trigger. His jaw dropped, his eyes widened, and he could have sworn that his heart had stopped beating.

The young woman that stood in front of him was glaring at him reproachfully. She put her hands on her hips and shook her head in a disapproving manner.

“That’s a really rude way to greet someone,” Andrea said in a tone of forced calm. “Why in the name of God are you pointing that pistol at me, Claude?”

[GastlyMan]

I was planning on reviewing this earlier, but my sanity has been down the toilet for quite some time now...anyway, here goes!

The fact that Harris was driven to kill himself = epic. That scene was very intense and did a good job adding to the sinister mood of the scene. Also, the hallucinations were cool. It was a bit hard to tell what he was hallucinating and what actually happened at first, but I read it through once more and it made sense. So it was probably just me. :3

Is this another one of its mind games?

He halted when the small sound of footsteps reached his ears. His fingers curled around the handle of the pistol, ready to draw it out and shoot at a moment’s notice. The footsteps continued to tap behind him.

Get ready. Ready…

“Claude?”

He drew his pistol and turned around simultaneously, but his shock and disbelief stopped him from pulling the trigger. His jaw dropped, his eyes widened, and he could have sworn that his heart had stopped beating.

The young woman that stood in front of him was glaring at him reproachfully. She put her hands on her hips and shook her head in a disapproving manner.

“That’s a really rude way to greet someone,” Andrea said in a tone of forced calm. “Why in the name of God are you pointing that pistol at me, Claude?”

Oh wow, cliffhanger! ^^ I don't think this is going to end well at all. Anyway, it's getting really exciting! I couldn't really find any mistakes or things that needed correction in this chapter, so keep up the good work. Sorry the review is so short! I really enjoyed reading this.

[SilentMemento]

I was planning on reviewing this earlier, but my sanity has been down the toilet for quite some time now...anyway, here goes!

Thank you very much for the review. As always, I'm extremely grateful and appreciative.

The fact that Harris was driven to kill himself = epic. That scene was very intense and did a good job adding to the sinister mood of the scene.

I'm just glad to know that I did my job.

Also, the hallucinations were cool. It was a bit hard to tell what he was hallucinating and what actually happened at first, but I read it through once more and it made sense. So it was probably just me. :3

That's supposed to be fairly subtle; at least, it's supposed to be until Harris mentions it.

Oh wow, cliffhanger! ^^ I don't think this is going to end well at all. Anyway, it's getting really exciting! I couldn't really find any mistakes or things that needed correction in this chapter, so keep up the good work. Sorry the review is so short! I really enjoyed reading this.

Things like this never do seem to end well, do they?

Don't worry about the length of the review; I'll gladly accept any critique that tells me what I'm doing right and wrong.

[Sidewinder]

Well well,

Nicely done. There are some points on this that I really want to cover, so I think I'll bypass the ordinary chapter by chapter review and just summarize what I liked, disliked, etc. To be completely honest, I've never read a horror fic, or even watch horror movies at all for some reason. Films or books strongly laced with alot of suspense really appeal to me, but I can say that I've never really been drawn to horror. Especially when it involves Pokemon haha. Your Fic has changed that for me. Your premise is refreshingly original, well written, and obviously well thought out. I applaud you for that, as I can only think of a few fic's that take the direction you have, especially when it involves a genre that Pokemon isn't traditionally associated with. This is the second review I've said this in, but I feel some 'Pandorum' undertones. So yeah, let's get to the fun stuff!

Space. Pokemon. Space story involving Pokemon. Ahem, Pokemon in space. Nice! I really don't think I've ever read a Pokemon Fic set in space. I have skimmed a few that have small parts in it, but never anything entirely set in that kind of undirectional void. Good idea, as the setting immedeately took me away from what I was expecting, and thrust me into this new place that I wasn't expecting. The portions where you described all the dangers of space, really sold me on the idea. We've yet to see some of the Pokemon you mentioned that dwell out there, but that bit excites me and I hope you expand on that. I've never been space inclined myself, but I think you've described the setting quite well. It's a bold direction to take a fic into, one that's full of dangers and potential screw ups, but at the same time it makes it extremely exciting. Especially since you're dealing with a place that has alot of absolutes. No gravity, no air, extreme cold, supernovas (like you mentioned), etc. What I'm saying is be careful with what you do in it, and even more with how you describe it. Seeing how is the story is set in space, just be sure to always acknowledge that its there in the backround, some invisible monster ready to devour you; it doesn't exist in the normal areas that we are accustomed to, which makes it more open possibility, but also more danger as well. You've done a good job on this so far, so kudos to you! Hope that made sense, lol.

Another portion I liked is how much Claude swears. It's actually pretty realistic judging from his personality, what he's gone through, and the risk filled job that he has. Swearing is one thing that I don't think is in enough fics, mainly I think because in some, they base the fic too much on the anime, manga, and games, and are afraid to toe that line. I'm glad you are of the opposite persuasion. I've always liked swearing, as it really is a part of our culture now (at least where I live in the USA, haha), and I thought it was a great addition. Honestly, I've never thought of swear words as being 'bad' words, perhaps they are used mostly with bad intentions, but I don't think there is such a thing as a 'bad' word. When I see Claude say fuck, it draws my attention lol, so great job on making that a part of your fic.

One thing that I was hoping for more of was more of an explanation on alot of the space gear that Claude and his Pokemon use. Gravity boots, re-breathers for Fatios and Defir, as well as the transciever. I know that in the age that the story is set in, these things and the functions of them are common knowledge, but not to me. I mean, Gravity Boots are pretty self-explanatory, but almost every time you introduced a new item, you left out what I thought would be an amazing addition. The functions. I want to know what those breathers look like, I wanna know how the technology works; I want to know the functions of his space suit, and how long of an air supply he has. When you invent these new items, it helps people get more into the story if you take a moment to explain how they work. I mean, I shouldn't speak for everyone, but that's how I feel anyway.

I would have liked a little more description on the Revenant as well. You're doing an awesome job on describing the interior, but I felt like the outside could have used a bit more. Obviously a good chunk of the story is going to be set there, so it almost becomes a character itself (and I have some theories on that, lol). You gave me a good idea of what Claude's ship looks like, but after the three of them stumbled into the Revenant and the story continued, I kept trying to figure out what it looked like. Obviously it's enormous, seeing as it's able to hold ten thousand People and Pokemon, but for some reason I just can't figure out its shape, features, blemishes from rogue micrometeorites, etc. Being set in space, the different ships in it are a huge part to me, and I really liked the small portion you mentioned about the hull lights as the trio approached, but I just felt like the outside deserved a little more attention.

Another thing, Claude's hallucinations, and his nightmares happen quite frequently, (and btw I love them). Especially with the one's with a physical reaction to them (Like the vomiting). The only thing that bothers me though, is Claude's sanity. The PLAF obviously trust him, and I believe that it was said that he was one of their most promising, but they must obviously know about his drug abuse. Which in itself isn't huge cause for worry, as that happens all the time in military's of every variety. The thing that concerns me though is the fact that the PLAF is this super militant group, and they are so on alert for potential UA defection/treason, that they let someone as mentally unstable as Claude take on missions as complex and huge as this. I know for a fact that in alot of military's, especially the one's who are active duty, people have to go through mental/psycological examination at least four times a year. It's to make sure that the personnel are actually fit for the important jobs that they are assigned. And since the setting is in such a serious and rigid time, it seems somewhat inconsistent to me that Claude's mental sharpness is rapidly declining, even when he's by himself. From the interractions with his superior's, he puts on a good show of his emotions so that they won't suspect anything, but its just kinda hard for me to believe they wouldn't have someone like Claude under their microscope.

The thing in your fic that really stuck out to me though, was the imagery of Claude's nightmares and hallucinations. From Andrea's cut throat and her crazily pulling her head backwards, to the mist aboard Revenant, to the swirld of color and the setting of his nightmares. They all inspire anxiousness and horror in a gorgeous way. I look forward to his gruesome hallucinations, I get so excited when the mist comes down. You describe his reactions awesomely, but I can see these hallucinations like I'm having them too, I can see the knife going into the side of his stomach, I can feel distress as he tries to fight these very vivid images. This is one thing you really excel at and shouldn't change at all. All of those scenes are obviously well thought out and planned, and it really shows. Great job!

In closing, I really have to say that I've enjoyed myself. Besides the few areas that I mentioned, I felt like your grammar was awesome, the pacing is great, and your plot is really appealing. I look forward to seeing where you take this.

[SilentMemento]

Well well,

Nicely done. There are some points on this that I really want to cover, so I think I'll bypass the ordinary chapter by chapter review and just summarize what I liked, disliked, etc. To be completely honest, I've never read a horror fic, or even watch horror movies at all for some reason. Films or books strongly laced with alot of suspense really appeal to me, but I can say that I've never really been drawn to horror. Especially when it involves Pokemon haha. Your Fic has changed that for me. Your premise is refreshingly original, well written, and obviously well thought out. I applaud you for that, as I can only think of a few fic's that take the direction you have, especially when it involves a genre that Pokemon isn't traditionally associated with. This is the second review I've said this in, but I feel some 'Pandorum' undertones. So yeah, let's get to the fun stuff!

Hehe. I wrote it more along the lines of "Dead Space" undertones, but I can see where people would get the "Pandorum" references.

Space. Pokemon. Space story involving Pokemon. Ahem, Pokemon in space. Nice! I really don't think I've ever read a Pokemon Fic set in space. I have skimmed a few that have small parts in it, but never anything entirely set in that kind of undirectional void. Good idea, as the setting immedeately took me away from what I was expecting, and thrust me into this new place that I wasn't expecting. The portions where you described all the dangers of space, really sold me on the idea. We've yet to see some of the Pokemon you mentioned that dwell out there, but that bit excites me and I hope you expand on that. I've never been space inclined myself, but I think you've described the setting quite well. It's a bold direction to take a fic into, one that's full of dangers and potential screw ups, but at the same time it makes it extremely exciting. Especially since you're dealing with a place that has alot of absolutes. No gravity, no air, extreme cold, supernovas (like you mentioned), etc. What I'm saying is be careful with what you do in it, and even more with how you describe it. Seeing how is the story is set in space, just be sure to always acknowledge that its there in the backround, some invisible monster ready to devour you; it doesn't exist in the normal areas that we are accustomed to, which makes it more open possibility, but also more danger as well. You've done a good job on this so far, so kudos to you! Hope that made sense, lol.

I'm glad that you also find the setting to be unique. Space is a perfect place for a horror story, and I find the challenge of using the environment to be exciting. A lot of those absolutes you're talking about have yet to pop up, so keep an eye out for them.

Another portion I liked is how much Claude swears. It's actually pretty realistic judging from his personality, what he's gone through, and the risk filled job that he has. Swearing is one thing that I don't think is in enough fics, mainly I think because in some, they base the fic too much on the anime, manga, and games, and are afraid to toe that line. I'm glad you are of the opposite persuasion. I've always liked swearing, as it really is a part of our culture now (at least where I live in the USA, haha), and I thought it was a great addition. Honestly, I've never thought of swear words as being 'bad' words, perhaps they are used mostly with bad intentions, but I don't think there is such a thing as a 'bad' word. When I see Claude say fuck, it draws my attention lol, so great job on making that a part of your fic.

That's one of the best parts about this fic being R-rated; Claude can get away with saying anything he would want to say. I agree with swearing; our kids know every curseword under the sun, and they know what they mean. Still, I try to avoid using the ones that would go above "R", and I try to avoid them when I'm writing a fic with a lower rating. It's not because I'm afraid to toe the line; it's more that I don't have any desire to break rules.

One thing that I was hoping for more of was more of an explanation on alot of the space gear that Claude and his Pokemon use. Gravity boots, re-breathers for Fatios and Defir, as well as the transciever. I know that in the age that the story is set in, these things and the functions of them are common knowledge, but not to me. I mean, Gravity Boots are pretty self-explanatory, but almost every time you introduced a new item, you left out what I thought would be an amazing addition. The functions. I want to know what those breathers look like, I wanna know how the technology works; I want to know the functions of his space suit, and how long of an air supply he has. When you invent these new items, it helps people get more into the story if you take a moment to explain how they work. I mean, I shouldn't speak for everyone, but that's how I feel anyway.

A good point to make. I tried to avoid info-dumping in this story, but I probably forgot to add in enough details for readers to know what they do. But I will say that one of the functions you mentioned is going to pop up later on in the story - and it's going to be fairly important.

I would have liked a little more description on the Revenant as well. You're doing an awesome job on describing the interior, but I felt like the outside could have used a bit more. Obviously a good chunk of the story is going to be set there, so it almost becomes a character itself (and I have some theories on that, lol). You gave me a good idea of what Claude's ship looks like, but after the three of them stumbled into the Revenant and the story continued, I kept trying to figure out what it looked like. Obviously it's enormous, seeing as it's able to hold ten thousand People and Pokemon, but for some reason I just can't figure out its shape, features, blemishes from rogue micrometeorites, etc. Being set in space, the different ships in it are a huge part to me, and I really liked the small portion you mentioned about the hull lights as the trio approached, but I just felt like the outside deserved a little more attention.

I definitely see your point here, and it's a good one to make. I'll be editing more description about the Revenant in the second chapter (particularly the shape and features; I don't think visibility would be good enough to see blemishes from micrometeorites or things like that.)

Another thing, Claude's hallucinations, and his nightmares happen quite frequently, (and btw I love them). Especially with the one's with a physical reaction to them (Like the vomiting). The only thing that bothers me though, is Claude's sanity. The PLAF obviously trust him, and I believe that it was said that he was one of their most promising, but they must obviously know about his drug abuse. Which in itself isn't huge cause for worry, as that happens all the time in military's of every variety. The thing that concerns me though is the fact that the PLAF is this super militant group, and they are so on alert for potential UA defection/treason, that they let someone as mentally unstable as Claude take on missions as complex and huge as this. I know for a fact that in alot of military's, especially the one's who are active duty, people have to go through mental/psycological examination at least four times a year. It's to make sure that the personnel are actually fit for the important jobs that they are assigned. And since the setting is in such a serious and rigid time, it seems somewhat inconsistent to me that Claude's mental sharpness is rapidly declining, even when he's by himself. From the interractions with his superior's, he puts on a good show of his emotions so that they won't suspect anything, but its just kinda hard for me to believe they wouldn't have someone like Claude under their microscope.

Hmm...I'm glad someone pointed this out, and you're absolutely right on your points. Still, I want you to look at the conversation with Jennings (particularly the tone) and the conversation with Dredge in the fifth chapter. Are you certain that they don't have Claude under their microscope? Furthermore, are you certain that they even trust him at all? All I'm going to say is to keep an eye on this.

The thing in your fic that really stuck out to me though, was the imagery of Claude's nightmares and hallucinations. From Andrea's cut throat and her crazily pulling her head backwards, to the mist aboard Revenant, to the swirld of color and the setting of his nightmares. They all inspire anxiousness and horror in a gorgeous way. I look forward to his gruesome hallucinations, I get so excited when the mist comes down. You describe his reactions awesomely, but I can see these hallucinations like I'm having them too, I can see the knife going into the side of his stomach, I can feel distress as he tries to fight these very vivid images. This is one thing you really excel at and shouldn't change at all. All of those scenes are obviously well thought out and planned, and it really shows. Great job!

Thank you. I spent a lot of time on those scenes. There's a lot more of them to come, so I hope that you enjoy them as much as you enjoyed these.

In closing, I really have to say that I've enjoyed myself. Besides the few areas that I mentioned, I felt like your grammar was awesome, the pacing is great, and your plot is really appealing. I look forward to seeing where you take this.

Thank you for reviewing this story. I'm extremely grateful for the helpful advice, and I'll make sure to improve the areas you mentioned. I hope you enjoy watching this story play out to its potential.

[Kutie Pie]

Read it as promised.

You're beginning to scare me, dude. I'm not terrified, but I'm feeling the horror here as of chapter four (the frightening imagery was creepily psychological, but since I'm a Higurashi fan and seen such imagery before, it wasn't enough to scare me). I must say, there's a mystery here, and yet I don't want that mystery to be solved for some... odd reason. It's like I really don't want it solved because it might be the most horrific thing ever. That's the feeling I'm getting here. I don't know how true that is, though... might have been the music...

Anyway, up until recently, I wasn't a big fan of Pokulok due to his attitude. However, as time went on, it made me wonder if his attitude is the result of the drugs (which I must say I like how it's being handled, that must be one hell of a drug). It's apparent in the happier flashbacks--which was probably just the one--he wasn't too bad a kid. He enjoyed being with Andrea and his Pokémon. Now because of everything that has happened, he's a jerk. And I find a strange charm about that. His Pokémon are great counterparts to him, they're sarcastic when he can't be sarcastic, and a few other lovable quirks. So despite who Pokulok is right now (his name sounds like "potluck" to me, lol), I'm interested and learning more about him and his dark past, even if that may be the key to everything.

This Revenant (which by the way is a great symbolic name), though it's only been in the story for two chapters (unless it's been here the whole time...), is honestly one of the creepiest things I know of to date, and we only just started scratching the surface. I'm afraid to find out what it exactly is (though I have a guess, but I really doubt that's what it is). Revenant may just become the most terrifying thing ever if this continues, and yet I want to learn more about it.

There's more to this, I know, but I don't know what else to say except that I'm very interested. Slap me on that PM list, I want a good scare. So I dare you to scare me more than Higurashi did.

[SilentMemento]

Read it as promised.

You're beginning to scare me, dude. I'm not terrified, but I'm feeling the horror here as of chapter four (the frightening imagery was creepily psychological, but since I'm a Higurashi fan and seen such imagery before, it wasn't enough to scare me).

Before I say anything else, I want to thank you for your review. It's extremely insightful and gives me a lot of knowledge about what I'm doing right, so I'm truly grateful for that.

I also want to thank you for your compliment; if I'm beginning to scare you, that means that the story is doing its job right. Psychological horror is...quite fun to write. I can't say that I've heard much about Higurashi, though. Sorry.

I must say, there's a mystery here, and yet I don't want that mystery to be solved for some... odd reason. It's like I really don't want it solved because it might be the most horrific thing ever. That's the feeling I'm getting here. I don't know how true that is, though... might have been the music...

Music? I hope it's not the Lavender remix with the picture of that demonic Jigglypuff. I hate that thing so much. As for the mystery? All I'll say is to keep an eye on what you said. In my opinion, you're absolutely right.

Anyway, up until recently, I wasn't a big fan of Pokulok due to his attitude. However, as time went on, it made me wonder if his attitude is the result of the drugs (which I must say I like how it's being handled, that must be one hell of a drug). It's apparent in the happier flashbacks--which was probably just the one--he wasn't too bad a kid. He enjoyed being with Andrea and his Pokémon. Now because of everything that has happened, he's a jerk. And I find a strange charm about that.

To tell you the truth, I'm not a fan of his current attitude either. There are times where Claude can be an enormous jerk. I'm glad that I handled the drug references well; I wanted to do that justice. And no, he really wasn't a bad kid when Andrea was alive.

His Pokémon are great counterparts to him, they're sarcastic when he can't be sarcastic, and a few other lovable quirks. So despite who Pokulok is right now (his name sounds like "potluck" to me, lol), I'm interested and learning more about him and his dark past, even if that may be the key to everything.

His last name's actually French-Canadian, so I can understand why it would be confusing. And I'm glad that you think of his Pokemon in that way. I love writing their scenes.

This Revenant (which by the way is a great symbolic name), though it's only been in the story for two chapters (unless it's been here the whole time...), is honestly one of the creepiest things I know of to date, and we only just started scratching the surface.

Oh, its name is definitely symbolic in more ways than one. And I'm surprised that you said that about the Revenant; I never thought that it would have this sort of impact, to tell you the truth. Thank you.

I'm afraid to find out what it exactly is (though I have a guess, but I really doubt that's what it is). Revenant may just become the most terrifying thing ever if this continues, and yet I want to learn more about it.

A guess? Please tell? I'm very interested to hear it (although I can't confirm or deny anything).

There's more to this, I know, but I don't know what else to say except that I'm very interested. Slap me on that PM list, I want a good scare. So I dare you to scare me more than Higurashi did.

Dare accepted. In the immortal words of Al Jolson, "You ain't seen nothing yet."

The next chapter will probably be out this month; I'm about halfway finished. You'll be the first to know when it comes out.

[SilentMemento]

As an author's note, the horror is going to be taken up to a whole nother notch. If any of you still have doubts, you have no obligation to continue reading. Thank you.

Chapter Six

...

Claude Pokulok thought that he had seen every horror he had needed to see on this God-forsaken ship, but this was something that he never saw coming. Andrea was standing right in front of him, seemingly unfazed by the pistol that he was pointing directly at her. She was exactly as he remembered her in that memory on the Mossdeep beach. She even wore the same clothes. From her appearance alone, there wasn’t anything to suggest that the young woman wasn’t Andrea.

Still, his brain couldn’t comprehend what his eyes were seeing. The words he wanted to say for so long wrapped themselves around his mind, but he found himself unable to say them. Instead, only a single word escaped his mouth.

“Dead…” he murmured inaudibly, lowering his firearm.

The girl he loved tilted her head ever so slightly. “Excuse me?” she said incredulously. “What did you just say, Claude?”

“You’re not…you’re supposed to be…I watched you die, Andrea,” the teenager said in a pained voice.

Her eyes widened with fear. “I died?” she asked quietly. He noticed her eyes watering, and a small part of him wanted to break down as well. “That can’t be right…”

“I watched everything,” the MSE said. His body began to tremble. “I saw what that sick bastard did to you. I saw him murder you. I-I couldn’t do anything to help. God, I’m so sorry.”

The two lovers didn’t move from their spots. Pokulok, in particular, was torn with indecision. His heart was begging him to go over and comfort Andrea, but his conscience knew that nothing good would come of it.

He finally mustered the nerve to ask another question. “What are you doing on this ship, Andrea?” he asked as calmly as he could.

Andrea blinked twice. “If I had any idea, I’d tell you, Claude,” she replied. “You know that.”

“There’s no possible way you could be here,” he insisted. “None of this makes any sense.”

“Because you think I’m dead,” his friend said in a bitter tone.

The teenager’s eyes widened. “No, it’s not like tha-”

“Then what is it, Claude?” the young woman spat angrily. “Do you want me to be dead? Would that make more sense to you?”

“You don’t get it, Andrea!” the MSE growled. He instinctively began to pace in agitation. “Nothing on this goddamned ship makes any sense! You have no idea what I saw in this place before I met you here.” He took a deep breath before continuing on his tangent. “I watched Jerrell commit suicide after being driven completely insane. I’ve seen things that no living creature could possibly dream about, no matter how depraved they are. And there’s a fucking monster on this ship that can allegedly warp the fabric of reality and create hallucinations beyond the capabilities of most Pokemon!” He stopped on his heel and stared into her eyes with distrust. “How do I know that this is even real? For all I know, you could be another hallucination.”

“Seeing as I’m here and standing right in front of you, how can you possibly say that I’m not real?” she snapped. Pokulok took a step back when he saw that her eyes were filled with tears. “How can you say that without a single doubt in your mind? Claude, if you don’t trust the girl you love, who the hell are you going to trust?” She looked at him with immeasurable sorrow. “What happened to you, Claude? What happened to the guy I cared about?”

She sank to her knees and covered her face. Pokulok’s heart finally broke when he heard her sobs. In spite of his conscience screaming at him not to go over, he ignored it and rushed to her side. He put an arm around her shoulders and gave her a soft hug, while lifting her up at the same time.

“Andrea, I’m sorry,” he murmured sadly, placing his head near her left cheek. “I’m so sorry for saying that to you. You did nothing to deserve that. Please forgive me.”

He felt a small prickling feeling around his arms, but he discarded the thought almost immediately when he felt her head nod. He closed his eyes, losing himself in his memories.

“Do you remember the time we first met?” he whispered in an impossibly-soft tone. “I was ten, you were eleven, but we had been paired together through our mentor, Jerrell. He decided to teach us history on my first day. Funny, isn’t it? He always said that patterns wove themselves through cultures, events, even people. He mentioned Malcolm Jennings. He mentioned Ian Watson. He even mentioned some of the UA. But he mentioned Iggy Webb first and foremost.

“I saw your reaction. All of the kids stared at you, you looked like you wanted to sink through the floor, and I had no idea what was going on. After the class was over, I asked you what was wrong…and you punched me in the face. You were so mad at me for asking, and I just wanted to know what I did wrong. You refused to talk to me for about a year. You thought that I was just like everyone else. Looking back at it, I can’t blame you for feeling that way.

“Anyway, you eventually forgave me enough for you to let me sit with you during break. You told me how you felt, and after you were finished, you realized that I didn’t care how famous your father was. To me, he was never your father. He left you. He left you before you were born, before you even had a chance to know him as a person, and everyone expected you to be better than he wa-”

Pokulok winced as the prickling feeling reached his cheek; it had become too pronounced to ignore. He then made the mistake of opening his eyes. When he did, he let out a terrified scream.

Andrea’s flesh was undergoing some hideous form of necrosis; it was blackening and melting at the same time. His arms were still draped around her decaying body, but they were slowly being engulfed by a bubbling black liquid that he faintly recognized as tar. The tar pooled onto the floor, forming a large puddle that seeped across his boots, and he realized that she was actually sinking into the puddle.

In spite of his conscience raging at him, the teenager did not let go of Andrea. Instead, he clung to her tighter, almost as if his actions could prevent the inevitable. He disregarded the burns across his arms, the smell of corroding skin, even the tears in his eyes. He knew that they would only cause him to lose her – and there was no way in hell he’d let that happen again.

Can’t you see that she’s killing you?

I don’t give a damn about what you have to say. I won’t do it.

Listen to me, for God’s sa-

Screw you!

Claude, I demand tha-

Go burn in hell! I won’t let her die in front of me again!

Let – her – go!

He viciously shook his head to interrupt the conversation and focused all of his energy on keeping her alive. By now, Andrea’s body had been completely consumed by tar, and it was beginning to melt his skin as well. The pain on his arms and body intensified, and his grip was broken for good. He fell on his back and clutched at his badly-burned arms. He struggled to rise, but all he could do was helplessly watch her remains sink into the puddle.

“No…” he whispered in horror. “No!” He crawled toward the tar puddle and stared into its depths, desperately hoping to see her face, but there was nothing. His heart sank when he realized that he had failed to save her…again. “No, no, no, no, no! Damn you!”

A laugh as cold as the night echoed down the hallway, sending a chill down the MSE’s spine. He unsteadily tried to get to his feet, but tendrils of mist yanked him down to the floor.

“I’ll fucking kill you!” Pokulok screeched at the Revenant, his eyes burning with hatred. He tried to pull away from the tendrils, but they had just enough strength to hold him down. “I’ll maim you, I’ll flay you alive, you fucking bastard!” The monster didn’t reply to him immediately, which only served to enrage him even more. “Answer me, you fucking piece of fucking shit!”

“Who is the human girl?” the cold voice asked with an emotion that the teenager didn’t recognize. “What does she mean to you?”

“That’s none of your goddamned business, asshole!” he snarled, trying and failing to conceal the fear in his voice.

A short pause ensued. “How interesting,” the Revenant said calmly. “Apparently, she’s already dead, and yet you still allowed yourself to be tricked by our visions of her. You are not even worthy of contempt.”

“Then why even bother with me, you prick?” Pokulok growled. He stared at his charred arms in disgust. “Is it for fun? Do you get your kicks out of torturing people?”

“Your arrogance amuses us. Do you honestly think that you can discern our motives from these fleeting encounters? Do you really believe that you somehow have access to knowledge that only a select few people in the world even knew existed?”

“You didn’t answer my question, you fu-”

“We will, Claude,” the monster interrupted in a tone dangerous enough to silence the MSE. “We only want something that every creature fights for: survival. That is more than enough information than we need to give you. You will know everything – whether you want to or not – when we want you to know, and not a moment before.”

“Why should I give a flying fuck about-”

“You had better find that hostage very soon. He won’t last long at the rate you’re going at. We believe that he’s…fading.”

The tendrils of mist released Pokulok and dissipated in the air, but he did not immediately get to his feet. Instead, he took the time to gaze at his surroundings. He noticed that he was in an uncomfortably warm place, but the room was so dark that even the night vision inside his helmet couldn’t help him see what it was. He felt the familiar frame of his flashlight next to him and quickly switched it on. The light was meager at best, but it was enough to see, and that was all he really cared about.

He carefully swept the beam of light around his environment, and his eyes widened with shock when he realized that the mist had transported him again. This time, he was in a small furnace room with a single metal door facing him. Suspicion soon followed his shock, and he drew his pistol from its holster, while unsteadily getting to his feet.

It has to be a trap. There’s no way that twisted monster would make its game this easy.

The MSE leveled his pistol out in front of him, but immediately lowered it when he saw something that confused him. His arms weren’t charred at all. In fact, the tar that had burned through the suit was gone. It was as if he had never had the encounter with Andrea. He then felt a growing sense of fear when he came to the realization that the Revenant’s hallucinations extended to all of his senses.

It could’ve killed me at any point just by making me feel pain that wasn’t there…that’s what it did to Jerrell! He literally thought that he was starving to death. But what stopped it from doing the same thing to everyone else? Why would it go straight for the kill with Jerrell and not do that to its hostages?

The teenager couldn’t help but think that there was an important piece of the puzzle that he was missing, but it kept evading his grasp every time he tried to recall what it could be. He slowly shook his head.

Forget it, Claude. You’re here to rescue hostages and kill that fucking thing. That’s what you were trained to do. Leave the philosophical crap to someone who gives a damn.

No, that’s what a soldier is trained to do. Jerrell always wanted me to be more than tha-

Yeah, well, look where that got him. Just do your job and stop asking pointless questions.

The MSE slowly nodded in response. He pointed the pistol at the door and turned the handle. His senses were assaulted one second afterward. The hot air immediately rushed out of the room behind him, and a strong feeling of vertigo hit his body before he could react, leaving him with a nauseous taste in his mouth. The red warning sign that flashed in front of his eyes and the methodical beeping noise that echoed in his ears only heightened his worry, frustration, and anger.

Oh, that’s just great. Now there’s zero-gravity inside of a fucking vacuum. Are you fucking kidding me? Is this your sick idea of a trap?

Pokulok holstered his pistol and walked forward at a slow, precise pace, making sure to carefully plant one foot on the ground before raising the other. He knew just how much danger he was in, that the slightest misstep would result in an unwanted trip through space – and his oxygen supply could only sustain him for ten hours when there was no breathable air around.

Ten hours to think about my death…

He shook his head to clear his thoughts. “Okay, Claude,” he muttered. His words sounded much louder than he anticipated, and he instinctively paused before continuing his sentence. “You’ve got time, you’ve got air. No need to rush things.”

You’re just lying to yourself. You know that you don’t have those luxuries. Everything that monster has done suggests that it won’t keep the hostage alive. You damn well know that it’ll set a trap of some kind. And what about your Pokemon? Aren’t you forgetting about them?

The teenager uttered a string of curses. His conscience was absolutely right on the last point; he had forgotten about his Pokemon in his haste to get to the hostage. He took a deep breath and concentrated.

“Faitios, Deifir, I need an update on your status right now,” he said, fighting to keep his fear out of his voice.

(Claude!) The MSE flinched at his Pokemon’s combined voices; both of them sounded on the verge of panic themselves.

“What’s wrong?” he asked in a tone that was much harsher than intended.

(Claude, I’m scared!) Faitios sobbed hysterically. (I wanna go home, I wanna go home, I wanna go home…)

(Tell me you aren’t abandoning us, Claude!) Deifir snarled with a hint of despair in his voice. (You said that you would come back! You promised us that you were going to return!)

Pokulok’s heart felt like a trapped Pidgey that was frantically trying to beat its way out of his ribcage. “Just hang on,” he begged in desperation. “I’ll be right there, and I swear to God that we’ll leave this place and never come back. Just please hold on for a few more minutes.”

Didn’t I tell you that something like this would happen? Wasn’t I absolutely right?

The young teenager had a few choice words he wanted to tell his conscience, but he came to an awful realization before he could do that. “That was the trap,” he murmured quietly. Raw anger began to smolder in his eyes. “That was the fucking trap! How the hell could I have been this fucking stupid?!”

Primal terror overwhelmed his sense of reason as he ran down the hallway. He had to get to his Pokemon before that thing could hurt them. It was his fault that he had put them in danger, and it was his responsibility to fix it before it could get worse.

Screw the hostage, I can’t-

Without any warning, static flashed in front of his vision and an all-too familiar girl appeared out of nowhere to block his path. Andrea’s eyes were closed, but they didn’t seem to hinder her when she roughly grabbed him by his shoulders and slammed him into the metal wall that faced the windows, causing him to cry out in pain. He instinctively struggled to break free, but it was a futile effort; her grip was as strong as a Feraligatr’s jaws.

A cold smile fixed itself upon her face. “Claude.” He stared at her and went limp out of shock; her mouth had not opened when she had spoken. “You need not fear. Everything will be just fine. Just look into my eyes.”

She opened her eyes – eyes as pitch-black as the deepest voids of space – and Pokulok immediately lost himself when he stared into their depths. Time itself almost seemed to stop…or was it just another illusion?

You fool, she’s hypnotizing you! Snap out-

His mind severed itself from his body, and his thoughts vanished like a ghost on the wind. He saw his hands clasp his helmet and remove it from his suit, but there was nothing he could do to stop it. The bitterly-cold vacuum stung his face and constricted his lungs, but he couldn’t even bring himself to care. Instead, he continued to gaze into Andrea’s eyes while the darkness tugged at his own.

The girl put her lips close to his ear and softly whispered, “Tell me that you love me, Claude. Tell me that you’d die for me…because I know that you have killed for me.”

The teenager felt himself slipping into unconsciousness, but he no longer had the strength to resist. The last thing he saw was her mouth opening to reveal hundreds of worms that wriggled and squirmed to form a sickening grin.

…

I can see myself dying. Blood…blood everywhere. The Reaper is right next to me. I scream, but he’s the only one who hears. They say that death is just another journey, but when the Reaper walks toward me, brandishing his scythe…oh, God, how can I not be afraid?

Pokulok woke to the sound of a person whimpering in fear, but he saw nothing when he opened his eyes. He grunted and attempted to get to his feet, but a sudden soreness in his chest brought him back down to his knees. His breathing slowed while he took stock of the situation.

Alright, let’s see what I still have…

He checked his holster for his pistol, and to his utmost relief, it was still there. In fact, he had managed to retain most of his equipment, including his bag and the shotgun that he had scavenged from Harris. His relief quickly turned to suspicion because he knew that there was something very wrong with that scenario.

“Why wasn’t it all blown out into space?” the MSE muttered to himself. “Hell, why wasn’t I killed? I fell unconscious in a vacuum and…” His breath caught in his throat when he realized exactly what had happened and why he was still alive. “Oh – my – God. It did that for fun. It wants a challenge from its game, and I’m the fucking game! Shit!”

He unsteadily tried to stand again, but his legs immediately turned to jelly. He stumbled and fell on a solid round object. His abdomen screamed in protest as the wind was completely knocked out of him. Terror nearly overwhelmed him, and it took every ounce of control he had to bring it to heel. He crouched and mouthed numerous swears under his breath, waiting for the pain to subside and for his eyesight to improve.

Ignoring the increasing volume of the whimpering, the teenager blindly searched the area in front of him for the spherical object and managed to grip it with his hands. He noticed a large hole on one side and realized what it was.

“Praise God,” he muttered. He then shook his head in dismay. “I never thought I’d praise God for a helmet…”

“No god exists here. They have all abandoned us to slaughter…”

Pokulok whirled around to search for the voice. “Who’s there?” he snapped. He fumbled with his helmet before he slammed it over his head and attached it to his suit.

“Nothing is here,” the masculine voice said in a melancholy tone. “You know that. Why can’t you accept it?”

The MSE switched on the night vision and looked in the direction of the voice. A shape that had the vague silhouette of a large man was curled against the wall in a position more suited for a fetus. Otherwise, it was far too dark to see any features.

Pokulok gazed at the pitiful figure for a few seconds before he decided to ask the man a question. “What’s your name, sir?” he said in a hushed tone.

The man didn’t respond to his inquiry, which served to annoy the younger teen. “Sir?” Pokulok asked in a firmer tone.

The man still did not move and showed no indication that he had even heard the question. Anger surged through the MSE’s blood. This was pointless. Why should he risk his life for these people if they were going to be as useful as a sack of flour? He had no time left to waste; he had put his life and the lives of his Pokemon in danger for this man, and he needed an answer now.

“Sir!” he spat furiously. The man flinched and looked up at him in fear. “Your name. What is it?”

The response was so small and weak that he almost couldn’t hear it. “M-Motris. Giror Motris.”

The MSE raised his eyebrows in response to the name. “Giror…Motris?” he repeated slowly. “Do you happen to be from Orre?”

Motris lowered his head. “I don’t know.” He looked up again. “Who are you? Are you a crewmember?”

The teenager sighed. “My name is Claude Pokulok. I’m an MSE, and I’m going to get you and the rest of the crew out of he-”

“No!” The MSE took a step back from the ferocity of the tone. “They’ll kill us if we try!”

Pokulok held his hands up defensively. “Okay, just calm down for a second. Let’s start from the beginning and tell me who you’re talking about. Is it the Revenant?”

Motris wrung his hands in agitation, although he had thankfully stopped shouting. “I don’t know who they are, man,” he mumbled. “I just know that they’ll kill us.”

The MSE stared in response. “That thing is going to find you in this room either way,” he said, trying to make his voice sound calm. “We can walk out, and if you’re behind me every step of the way, I can promise that nothing will hurt y-”

“No, you don’t know anything, man!” Motris interrupted, rising to his feet. He jabbed a finger at Pokulok’s chest. “You don’t know what they want. They want us, man! They want all of us!”

“Yeah, I know it does. It’s a game to that monster, but I’m not going to do what it wants. If we stick together and-”

“No, you’re wrong, man. They want us. They need us. You don’t know anything, man. Not a fucking thing.”

“So you’re just going to wait for the monster to come and kill you?” the teenager growled incredulously, trying to stop himself from screaming at the man’s idiocy. “That’s a pathetic way of thinking.” He took a deep breath to cool his temper down. “I intend to get out of here with my Pokemon, and you’re more than welcome to come along. I could definitely use your help to get out of this mess.”

“No, man, we’ll never get out,” Motris said with an air of finality. He sat down and folded his arms over his chest. “You can’t beat them, ma-”

“Goddammit, have you been paying any attention to anything I’ve said?!” Pokulok howled, finally losing his patience. “I don’t give a flying fuck about what you think! I put my Pokemon’s lives at risk for you, you pessimistic son of a bitch! I left them alone in the hangar of this fucking ship to save you!”

The man shuddered. “I-I can’t, man,” he said. “The spawn will kill us if we go out…”

“Well, that’s too bad for you,” the MSE snarled, firmly grabbing Motris by the arm. He involuntarily shivered at the icy-cold touch. “We are going out of this room, and there’s not a damned thing you can do about it. I’m in charge of this situation, and we’re getting out of this hellhole alive. You have one of two choices: you can get on your fucking feet and walk out of here on your own power or I will drag you out myself, even if you’re kicking and screaming. But you will go out of this room, and I will not allow you to impede my progress. Do – I – make – myself – clear?”

After a few seconds, the man quietly nodded. Pokulok then realized that something that Motris had said seemed hauntingly familiar, especially after recalling Harris’ last moments.

“Giror, you said something about the ‘spawn’ killing us,” he said, making sure that his tone wouldn’t provoke the older man further. “What are the spawn?”

Motris glanced from side to side, almost as if he was afraid of a person overhearing the conversation. “Part of them,” he said simply.

The teenager bit his lip in frustration. The information wasn’t nearly good enough to go on, but he knew that if he pushed the man any more than he had, he risked losing him for good.

“Alright,” Pokulok murmured, turning toward Motris. “Now that we have that settled, do you know a way out of this room?”

The older man pointed at a metal door that the MSE had not noticed earlier. An emotion that was eerily similar to paranoia had started to dig its way into his brain, and it took the last bit of his courage to force it down.

“Okay, let’s get out of here,” Pokulok said in resignation. He walked toward the door, opened it, and nearly jumped out of his skin when he saw what was behind it.

He was back in the hangar, and his Pokemon were ten yards away, staring at him in horror.

“Deifir! Faitios!” He rushed over to them and embraced them tightly. “God, you had me worried. Let’s get out of here; I’ve seen enough to last…”

The teenager trailed off when he felt them trembling. He looked into their faces and saw the terror in both of their eyes – terror that was not aimed at him. He didn’t even need to turn around to know that he had been duped by the Revenant again. The pieces – an ungodly mudslide of clues he had missed and hints he had failed to see – had suddenly fallen into place with cruel precision.

I was a fool! It put the name right in front of me, and I still couldn’t see it! Giror Motris…Rigor mortis…

“Shit,” he muttered despairingly, whirling around and drawing his pistol after hearing an unearthly screech. The entity known as Giror Motris was roaring in agony as its human form slowly dissolved. Its melting eyes met Pokulok’s with a glare of utter loathing as the rest of its body continued its hideous transformation into shadow and tar.

“Shit!” The MSE raised his pistol and fired at the monster until the magazine had been emptied. However, it didn’t seem to faze the creature. After realizing that he was out of bullets, he fumbled with ejecting the empty clip, wasting too many precious seconds. He made the mistake of looking up and saw that the monster was shambling toward him with surprising speed. He took out a new clip and tried to load it into the pistol. In his terror, it slipped out of his grasp and clattered to the floor.

The teenager let out several obscenities and dove toward his ammo. He managed to snag the magazine with one hand, but the monster had reached him slightly afterward. It grabbed him by the throat with both of its clawed hands and raised him into the air. He thought that it looked up at him, but without its eyes, mouth, or nose, it was almost impossible to truly tell – until its face split into four and bellowed at him, revealing a jumbled mess of distorted facial features behind the mask.

The teenager kicked at it and thrashed around, but nothing seemed to break its grip. He was about to give up hope when he remembered that he still had his gun. He felt a strange sense of calm guide him as he loaded the gun, pulled back the hammer, aimed at the monster’s head, and fired six point-blank shots. It let out a bloodcurdling screech and immediately dropped him while it staggered and fell on its back. It melted through the ground as it hit the floor, leaving nothing behind.

Pokulok lay where he fell and breathed rapidly. He was exhausted beyond measure, but as he remembered his Pokemon, he realized that they needed him to be strong. He rolled onto his stomach and slowly got up, gasping at the effort. He stumbled to their side and immediately fell down again. He looked at them and forced a smile on his face, but it quickly faded when they didn’t return the favor. Instead, Faitios sobbed unashamedly into Deifir’s shoulder, while the normally-confident Absol had a defeated look on his face and didn’t even try to comfort the Skarmory. He felt a pang of sorrow hit him as he realized the enormity of what had just happened.

The Revenant lied. There were no hostages. It turned the crew into monsters like itself…

The MSE was interrupted by the cacophony of familiar laughter. He looked around and noticed the spawn phase through the walls with cruel laughs of their own. His Pokemon let out cries of panic and fled through the door he had come through.

“No, wait!” the teenager shouted, quickly leaping to his feet and giving chase. “Come back!” He ran at the door, but it slammed shut and locked itself on him as if it were possessed. He kicked the door open, walked through, and immediately shut it on the advancing horde.

The scenery had undergone a complete metamorphosis from when he last saw it; it had changed from a tiny room devoid of light to a balcony with a large brightly-lit room below him. Pokulok scanned the room and caught sight of Deifir and Faitios on the lower level, trying to get another door open. He immediately rushed to the edge of the balcony, opening his mouth to yell their names. He never got the chance.

He barely felt the subtle shift of his feet leaving the ground. He couldn’t force a scream out of his throat as he twisted his body to lessen the impact. He didn’t even try to fight off the darkness when he hit the ground. The last thought that came to his mind before he slipped into unconsciousness was that he had failed his mission and his friends.

[Kutie Pie]

The entity known as Giror Motris was roaring in agony as its human form slowly dissolved. Its melting eyes met Pokulok’s with a glare of utter loathing as the rest of its body continued its hideous transformation into shadow and tar.

Is that thing inspired by any chance bythis picture? That's seriously what it reminded me of if not the shadow blot monsters from Epic Mickey.

The Revenant lied. There were no hostages. It turned the crew into monsters like itself…

ZOMG PLOT TWIST totally didn't see that coming

I felt a chill while reading the beginning, but that was more or less from the music and air conditioner, so the horror isn't too bad right now. The imagery is great like always, I could see what was happening as Claude's mind slowly starts breaking down before us. But you still have a long way to go, and your challenge to scare me is still in effect, so you better give it your all. Reach deep inside the darkest depths of your mind and nightmares and pull out those monsters! Crank that creep factor up to eleven and beyond! Listen to some atmospheric music for the mood! Draw out the monsters if you must! Do all you can, Mem, to give us the scare we're here for!

Ten hours. That's how much time he has left.

Ten.

Right?

Eh heh heh. The fun's just beginning.

[Sid87]

Revenant is one of the handful of stories around here I wanted to get a jump on when I had some spare free time. Seeing as how I have some spare free time, I'm going to see about getting it started:

CHAPTER 1

The odd thing I noticed in the first little bit was the line about supernovas and black holes. You may well be more versed in astrophysics than I, but I'm not sure supernovas are as great of a peril as they are presented. I don't believe stars just suddenly supernova out of nowhere; I'm pretty sure they give off physical signs for centuries in advance, so I can't imagine too many spacecrafts would get caught in one. And I know wormholes are a bit trickier and more mysterious, but I thought the general consensus is that the extreme gravity would effortlessly crush a human before it would do anything like rapidly age them. I might be wrong; those two lines just struck me weird.

Strangely enough, Pokulok’s vision wasn’t fading. In fact, he seemed to see things even clearer, if that was possible. The mists parted to reveal a girl about three years younger than him.

Two things: I might leave off the "if that was possible" bit. I think the line is more impactful if you leave it at his seeing things clearer. The last few words seems, to me, to siphon the energy out of it. And the last sentence there should end with "he", not "him". She was 3 years younger than he [was]. Not than him [was].

-I'm curious to find out just how old Claude is; I've been told he's a teenager, but...is he 13? Is he 19? I'm just wondering because I want to know what an MSE Second Class is and how a teenager attained the position.

As it was, the silent sounds of terror and anguish hardly seemed to faze the sixteen-year-old girl, who snapped her head back into place, seemingly without a care in the world.

Good imagery, that. And thanks for the answer: Claude is 19.

Pokulok woke up in a cold sweat. His whole body was trembling like he was a newborn Growlithe,

I'm curious as to why you chose a Growlithe for that comparison. All newborns tremble, and if there is a specific way Growlithes tremble that other newborns don't, I am unaware of it.

letting out a muted groan as he hit the hardwood floor

Be careful of reusing phrases so quickly. During the dream, you said Claude was making "mute sounds", and here he is making "muted groans". Nothing wrong with that (though I can't imagine a mute sound for the life of me), but just be aware. Since it's a creative turn of phrase, it sticks out when used in such rapid succession.

He managed to make it to the bathroom, but he couldn’t make it to the toilet. He violently vomited all over the cold linoleum floor, feeling the vile substance spill over his throat like it was a river. His gut wasn’t satisfied with that display, and Pokulok ended up dry-heaving for at least two more agonizing minutes. A disgusted look came over his face when he noticed that most of his fingers were covered in his sick.

I never WANTED a very vivid imagery of somebody throwing up, but...here it is. That's not a bad thing--it's very realistic and gruesome--so good work on it.

Pokulok then took off his shirt and flung it away from the disgusting puddle, revealing a torso that was packed with lean muscle.

This struck me, and I'll tell you why. The narration of this story is obviously affixed to Claude. So while it's not direct first-person, I'm getting his perspective through the third-person narrator. And my problem here is...why would he be noticing his own physique right now? If I had just thrown up, I wouldn't tend to think "By the way, I'm in damn good shape". The subsequent description of the scar is perfect because I assume the reason he got the scar harkens back to the dream, but his noticing his own physique in this moment seems a bit out of place to me.

He stared into the mirror, looking at his pale, haggard appearance. His cropped light-brown hair was sticking out everywhere, and his icy-blue eyes were bloodshot, which gave him the look of a long-time insomniac. He was five inches over six feet, but his rail-thin frame made him seem like a starving prisoner-of-war. He put his other hand on the countertop, hanging his head in exhaustion

This description made a lot more sense in moment and felt more like Claude's perspective than a sudden omniscient narrator. I like the comparisons to insomniacs and POWs.

(You don’t look fine,) Faitios said quietly. (It’s your withdraw-)

Oh! What a lovely tease-line. Claude is [possibly] going through some kind of withdrawal? From what? And why at his young age? Does it have anything to do with his being/becoming an MSE? Very intriguing!



CHAPTER 2

-Picking up at the exact dialogue chapter 1 left off on? I like that; it's like a quick refresher.

“What’s with the funny faces?” he asked in his unnaturally hoarse voice.

Good, realistic description there. Voices do sound worse after throwing up. Good thinking, adding that in.

He felt the metal collar around his neck emanate a familiar uncomfortable feeling, but he ignored it as he grabbed the helmet

NICE subtle reference back to his dream; I really dig how gently that was done. I, personally, hate having anything touch my neck, so I feel Claude's pain.

The teenager nervously felt the metallic ring that had been surgically grafted to his neck when he was fifteen. It was a piece of technology that allowed easy access to his Pokemon, and it happened to be the only living proof that he was an MSE and not some regular space engineer. Still, if he ever got captured, if there was a situation where he had to die in order to protect vital information…

Another nice tease and foreshadowing.

-I must admit great curiosity as to the relationship between Claude and Chad. Chad treats Claude like an idiot and a slacker (through the yelling and the vulgarity and the general attitude), but he references him as the most promising MSE (which seems odd to me given that Claude is apparently a recovering addict [more clues to that this chapter, too! Yay!] and Claude's own C.O. seemed to downright hate him). Claude meanwhile, seems annoyed and frustrated by Chad (the string of obscenities when the call from Chad arrives), but he also genuinely values what Chad has to say (Chad's compliment causes great pride in Claude). I suspect that these two might be related? Maybe stepfather and son? It's just a thought, and maybe the similarities of their names is making me think that.

-Lots going on in just this second chapter. Confirmation that Claude is, in fact, an addict (seemingly in recovery); the relationship between Claude and Chad Dredge; Claude's history as an addict having something to do with his becoming an MSE; the appearance that Claude did something to some man, and that had something to do with Andrea's death. Lot of stuff.

-Interesting note: both of our stories have main characters who are tortured by dreams of loved ones.



CHAPTER 3

Ah, but who else would dare annoy you if I didn’t?” Pokulok asked teasingly. “Admit it: your life would be utterly boring if I wasn’t your friend.”

It's mildly heartbreaking that, though he knows he is in a dream, Claude so easily just goes along with since this seems to be a happy memory.

One of her Pokemon looked like a small purple witch, complete with hat and cloak. The ghost-type had no natural limbs. Instead, her cloak fluttered around her in tatters. Her violet eyes danced at the possibility of a battle.

She has a female ghost type. That's humorously ironic. It also leads me to slightly wonder if this memory is accurate or the guilty side of Claude's brain is rearranging the details.

Deifir snorted. (Well, no ****,) the Absol sneered. (If only Ignacius Webb was still here…I bet that he could-)

“You shut the **** up!” the teenager spat furiously. “Don’t even mention his ****ing name!”

If the Absol was bothered by his trainer’s sudden outburst, he didn’t show it. (Why not?) he asked nonchalantly. (You don’t have any personal connection to him.)

(Yeah, he sort of does,) Faitios mumbled. (Iggy Webb is An-)

“If I were one of you two, I’d think very carefully before saying anything else,” Pokulok said in a frigid tone. “This subject is not up for discussion. Clear?”

MORE teases! You're killing me here. I guess you've already revealed a few secrets (the fact that he is an addict, but I still assume there's more to that story than what we've seen so far). "Iggy Webb is An--". Andrea. He is Andrea's....what? Hmmm.

“Oh,” the MSE murmured. “Sorry about that.” He rummaged through his bag and finally pulled out two objects that were shaped like mouthpieces. “Here you go,” he said, attaching one to each of his Pokemon. “That should help. Are you ready?”

Do pokemon (or, at least, Fatios and Deifer in particular) have some inherent physiology that protects them from the vacuum and sheer cold of space? Fatios, I can almost understand being made of steel, but Deifer's just an Absol, a mammal...I'm assuming he would still be susceptible to the effects a vacuum would have on the body or the unearthly cold.



The story is quite interesting, and it's FANTASTIC to have a main character who is an addict in recovery--that's something I never thought I'd see in a pokemon fic. I'm curious as to how old Deifer and Fatios are; they mention Iggy, who died well before Claude and Andrea knew each other; did they know the man, or were they just referencing his legend?

The nightmares are intense and a lot of joy to read. It's interesting how the details change, and sometimes Andrea is vengeful, sometimes she wants him with her, and sometimes they are memories of happier days. Quite realistic and well-handled.

I'm glad I finally took the time to start this story.


EDIT: I ended up reading Chapter 4, also. I read it through twice without taking too many specific line notes, but here's my thoughts:

-I don't know why I had a hard time with Deifer swearing, but I did. You obviously know your characters better than I, but that kind of language seems kind of beneath him, and he's thus far shown an air of aloofness. Maybe it shouldn't have shocked me; he has shown a somewhat petulant side when arguing with Fatios, but it still was weird to me when I read the vulgarity from him.

-Speaking of Fatios, I enjoy him a great deal. He's the sole source of any levity in the story, and I appreciate that. Without his occasional interjections, the story might be a tad too heavy.

-So the..."thing" in the ship claims not to be pokemon or man. But it also makes a reference to being "legendary". Which, of course, could be a HUGE red herring. Brain is telling me "Darkrai!", but that seems way too obvious. So I guess I don't really have any idea at all. It refers to itself as "we", which is probably a clue I'm not smart enough to pick up on. Is it Venom (the Spider-Man villain)?

-I don't know what a David Freese is, either, so I Googled it to see if it was a real person or not. Turns out it is, so that's probably not advancing the plot. Unless the St. Louis...Cardinals (is that right?) are hi-jacking the ship. Which could be pretty awesome. Is that just an Easter Egg, or is there some significance to the ball? If not, I can still 100% see that as a scene in an actual thriller, so good work on that.

-So this Jennings guy doesn't like Claude, either. There seems to be a LOT of story out there off the Revenant (what with Dredge and now Jennings), which leads me to believe the entire story won't take place on board. I wonder how that will work (if it does).

[SilentMemento]

Is that thing inspired by any chance by this picture? That's seriously what it reminded me of if not the shadow blot monsters from Epic Mickey.

Yeah, I'd definitely say that the crew of the Revenant are firmly placed in that fate...and it gets worse. Motris' form was more human-like than that picture, though.

ZOMG PLOT TWIST totally didn't see that coming

Never intended it to be subtle. :P This is a plot twist that you could see coming; the real twists are yet to come.

I felt a chill while reading the beginning, but that was more or less from the music and air conditioner, so the horror isn't too bad right now.

Shoot. Well, I still have seven more chapters to scare you and everyone else, so...

The imagery is great like always, I could see what was happening as Claude's mind slowly starts breaking down before us. But you still have a long way to go, and your challenge to scare me is still in effect, so you better give it your all. Reach deep inside the darkest depths of your mind and nightmares and pull out those monsters! Crank that creep factor up to eleven and beyond! Listen to some atmospheric music for the mood! Draw out the monsters if you must! Do all you can, Mem, to give us the scare we're here for!

Will do. A lot of it is going to be fridge horror and nightmare fuel, though, so you're going to have to look very hard at what's going on.

Ten hours. That's how much time he has left.

Ten.

Right?

Eh heh heh. The fun's just beginning.

Hmm...I may not have explained it right. Claude was thinking about how much time he'd have if he was ejected into space with his helmet on. Ten hours of air. Sorry for the confusion. But yes, now it's getting fun.

Revenant is one of the handful of stories around here I wanted to get a jump on when I had some spare free time. Seeing as how I have some spare free time, I'm going to see about getting it started:

Thank you so much for reading; I've seen your name around the fandom, and you always have good reviews. Thank you for taking the time to read this story.

The odd thing I noticed in the first little bit was the line about supernovas and black holes. You may well be more versed in astrophysics than I, but I'm not sure supernovas are as great of a peril as they are presented. I don't believe stars just suddenly supernova out of nowhere; I'm pretty sure they give off physical signs for centuries in advance, so I can't imagine too many spacecrafts would get caught in one. And I know wormholes are a bit trickier and more mysterious, but I thought the general consensus is that the extreme gravity would effortlessly crush a human before it would do anything like rapidly age them. I might be wrong; those two lines just struck me weird.

Hmm...I was actually talking about wormholes, which are entirely different than a black hole. Black holes are the direct aftermath of the supernova of a massive star; they do pretty much what you say they do. Wormholes are supposedly inter-dimensional rifts in the time/space continuum, and they supposedly allow time travel due to the theory of relativity. I don't put stock into time travel at all (I feel that if it did exist, there are factors that we can't even begin to comprehend), and have therefore made wormholes more of a rapid-aging device.

As for the supernovas, it's not the time or proximity that's dangerous. It's the radius. Supernovas tend to have a large radius, and this government, as you will see, doesn't give a damn about "danger close".

Two things: I might leave off the "if that was possible" bit. I think the line is more impactful if you leave it at his seeing things clearer. The last few words seems, to me, to siphon the energy out of it. And the last sentence there should end with "he", not "him". She was 3 years younger than he [was]. Not than him [was].

Done and done.

-I'm curious to find out just how old Claude is; I've been told he's a teenager, but...is he 13? Is he 19? I'm just wondering because I want to know what an MSE Second Class is and how a teenager attained the position.

Hmm...I guess that's my fault for not explaining it better. In this society, children are trained toward certain positions from age ten. In Claude and Andrea's cases, they had the right apitude for the military and were thus trained for it. An MSE Second Class is basically a young military space engineer who hasn't completed a solo assignment, and they're basically initiates to the special forces.

Good imagery, that. And thanks for the answer: Claude is 19.

Yes, but a minor detail is that Andrea died four years ago. She was actually older than Claude in real life; it's just that the dream only accounted for her age upon death, not what she would have become.

I'm curious as to why you chose a Growlithe for that comparison. All newborns tremble, and if there is a specific way Growlithes tremble that other newborns don't, I am unaware of it.

The phrase "trembling like a newborn puppy" is where I got it from. I just made a minor alteration.

Be careful of reusing phrases so quickly. During the dream, you said Claude was making "mute sounds", and here he is making "muted groans". Nothing wrong with that (though I can't imagine a mute sound for the life of me), but just be aware. Since it's a creative turn of phrase, it sticks out when used in such rapid succession.

Definitely see your point on that and will make the necessary adjustments.

I never WANTED a very vivid imagery of somebody throwing up, but...here it is. That's not a bad thing--it's very realistic and gruesome--so good work on it.

Thank you. That's what I was hoping for when I wrote it.

This struck me, and I'll tell you why. The narration of this story is obviously affixed to Claude. So while it's not direct first-person, I'm getting his perspective through the third-person narrator. And my problem here is...why would he be noticing his own physique right now? If I had just thrown up, I wouldn't tend to think "By the way, I'm in damn good shape". The subsequent description of the scar is perfect because I assume the reason he got the scar harkens back to the dream, but his noticing his own physique in this moment seems a bit out of place to me.

Yes, I definitely see what you mean. I'll get to work on that immediately.

This description made a lot more sense in moment and felt more like Claude's perspective than a sudden omniscient narrator. I like the comparisons to insomniacs and POWs.

Thank you.

Oh! What a lovely tease-line. Claude is [possibly] going through some kind of withdrawal? From what? And why at his young age? Does it have anything to do with his being/becoming an MSE? Very intriguing!

You'll see why and what in the fifth chapter (if you decide to read it, of course) and the next chapter will have a bit more on that, but it has nothing to do with his becoming an MSE. It happens after he gets promoted.

-Picking up at the exact dialogue chapter 1 left off on? I like that; it's like a quick refresher.

I give all of the credit in the world to EonMaster_One for that. He's the guy who suggested that I do that in the first place.

Good, realistic description there. Voices do sound worse after throwing up. Good thinking, adding that in.

I actually wasn't thinking about that. See, this is what I love about readers and reviewers; they see things that the author/authoress never would.

NICE subtle reference back to his dream; I really dig how gently that was done. I, personally, hate having anything touch my neck, so I feel Claude's pain.

More fridge brilliance that I didn't see. Man, you're really good at catching that.

Another nice tease and foreshadowing.

In more ways than one.

-I must admit great curiosity as to the relationship between Claude and Chad. Chad treats Claude like an idiot and a slacker (through the yelling and the vulgarity and the general attitude), but he references him as the most promising MSE (which seems odd to me given that Claude is apparently a recovering addict [more clues to that this chapter, too! Yay!] and Claude's own C.O. seemed to downright hate him). Claude meanwhile, seems annoyed and frustrated by Chad (the string of obscenities when the call from Chad arrives), but he also genuinely values what Chad has to say (Chad's compliment causes great pride in Claude). I suspect that these two might be related? Maybe stepfather and son? It's just a thought, and maybe the similarities of their names is making me think that.

I actually leave Claude's parentage anonymous for several reasons: it really isn't important in the grand scheme of things, and they, like most parents in this setting, didn't play much of a factor in their child's life. Harris was actually Claude's (and Andrea's) father figure, although they had a major falling out. I will say that Claude and Dredge aren't related. Some of the things you said will answer a lot of questions, so keep a close eye on future events.

-Lots going on in just this second chapter. Confirmation that Claude is, in fact, an addict (seemingly in recovery); the relationship between Claude and Chad Dredge; Claude's history as an addict having something to do with his becoming an MSE; the appearance that Claude did something to some man, and that had something to do with Andrea's death. Lot of stuff.

The fact that Claude did something to some man is more of the result of Andrea's death, but yes, you're right on most of this.

-Interesting note: both of our stories have main characters who are tortured by dreams of loved ones.

I'll have to check out your fic sometime soon and give a review when I have time.

It's mildly heartbreaking that, though he knows he is in a dream, Claude so easily just goes along with since this seems to be a happy memory.

I think that what's even more heartbreaking than that is that even if it wasn't a happy memory, he'd have no choice but to go along with it; his own memories play a large part in his nightmares.

She has a female ghost type. That's humorously ironic. It also leads me to slightly wonder if this memory is accurate or the guilty side of Claude's brain is rearranging the details.

Nope. This memory is accurate.

MORE teases! You're killing me here. I guess you've already revealed a few secrets (the fact that he is an addict, but I still assume there's more to that story than what we've seen so far). "Iggy Webb is An--". Andrea. He is Andrea's....what? Hmmm.

Sorry for all of the teases; I wouldn't be able to set up my plot if there weren't. But yes, Iggy Webb is Andrea's father.

Do pokemon (or, at least, Fatios and Deifer in particular) have some inherent physiology that protects them from the vacuum and sheer cold of space? Fatios, I can almost understand being made of steel, but Deifer's just an Absol, a mammal...I'm assuming he would still be susceptible to the effects a vacuum would have on the body or the unearthly cold.

There's a funny thing about vacuums; they don't work at all like Hollywood portrays them. For one thing, it takes a long time for a vacuum to affect a person's body, and the person has to be directly exposed for hours on end. Trust me when I say that I've researched this topic to death. But another thing to mention is that Claude would never intentionally send his Pokemon into a dangerous place; the re-breathers are simply a precaution.

The story is quite interesting, and it's FANTASTIC to have a main character who is an addict in recovery--that's something I never thought I'd see in a pokemon fic. I'm curious as to how old Deifer and Fatios are; they mention Iggy, who died well before Claude and Andrea knew each other; did they know the man, or were they just referencing his legend?

Thank you again. I wanted to create something different with this story, and I'm glad to see that it worked.

As for Faitios and Deifir, they're actually younger than Claude is (he got them at the age of ten when they were newly-hatched). It's just that everyone knows about the legend of Ignacius Webb, who is damn near a messiah in this crapsack world, in spite of his own numerous - and often ignored - faults.

The nightmares are intense and a lot of joy to read. It's interesting how the details change, and sometimes Andrea is vengeful, sometimes she wants him with her, and sometimes they are memories of happier days. Quite realistic and well-handled.

I'm glad I finally took the time to start this story.

Glad that you noticed the details changing. Pay close attention to that.

EDIT: I ended up reading Chapter 4, also. I read it through twice without taking too many specific line notes, but here's my thoughts:

Alright, can't wait to hear them.

-I don't know why I had a hard time with Deifer swearing, but I did. You obviously know your characters better than I, but that kind of language seems kind of beneath him, and he's thus far shown an air of aloofness. Maybe it shouldn't have shocked me; he has shown a somewhat petulant side when arguing with Fatios, but it still was weird to me when I read the vulgarity from him.

Deifir is a very petulant and impatient character, even though he uses more logic than the other two. I can understand why you think it's weird, though. I'll try to tone it down.

-Speaking of Fatios, I enjoy him a great deal. He's the sole source of any levity in the story, and I appreciate that. Without his occasional interjections, the story might be a tad too heavy.

Also a very good point to make. I've heard a lot of people say that Faitios and Deifir are the sole comedic relief in this story, and the seventh chapter will hopefully bring out a tiny bit more.

-So the..."thing" in the ship claims not to be pokemon or man. But it also makes a reference to being "legendary". Which, of course, could be a HUGE red herring. Brain is telling me "Darkrai!", but that seems way too obvious. So I guess I don't really have any idea at all. It refers to itself as "we", which is probably a clue I'm not smart enough to pick up on. Is it Venom (the Spider-Man villain)?

Hmm...all I'm going to say is to keep paying close attention.

-I don't know what a David Freese is, either, so I Googled it to see if it was a real person or not. Turns out it is, so that's probably not advancing the plot. Unless the St. Louis...Cardinals (is that right?) are hi-jacking the ship. Which could be pretty awesome. Is that just an Easter Egg, or is there some significance to the ball? If not, I can still 100% see that as a scene in an actual thriller, so good work on that.

Yep, it's the Cardinals. The baseball signature was a mere Easter Egg, but it's one that had to be included; my Cardinals had just won one of the most exciting World Series in history thanks to the efforts of Freese. But I did try to make it scary, so I also included an E.T. reference where the baseball just rolled back on its own. I'm really glad that you caught that; I was wondering if anyone would.

-So this Jennings guy doesn't like Claude, either. There seems to be a LOT of story out there off the Revenant (what with Dredge and now Jennings), which leads me to believe the entire story won't take place on board. I wonder how that will work (if it does).

You'll see. That's all I can tell you because anything else would be a spoiler of epic proportions.

Again, thank you both for taking the time to read this story. I'm just hoping it'll live up to your expectations and mine.

Sincerely,

Mem.

[SnoringFrog]

Came back after years of inactivity and managed to pick a great fic to read on my first try, and I picked horror (which I've been strangely addicted to for the past couple weeks) at that. Wonderful.

Before I get into anything, I have one suggestion/request: can you label the chapters in some visible way when you post them? At the very least, a bold "Chapter [number]" would be great, or if you want to stylize it somehow or bump up the size or whatever, that's up to you. Just any sort of label to make it easier to find when skimming past reviews to look for the next chapter would be nice. It will prove especially helpful to those people who haven't started reading this yet, and have to start from the beginning and catch up as I did.

I wasn't very detailed in the notes I left myself for this review, so these quotes may come from sporadic places, and I didn't record the chapter for any of them, so now that I'm typing this up I have no clue what's from where. Sorry about that.


In the scene where Claude finds a baseball, you describe it as a circular object that he steps on. In my mind, "circular" implies something much flatter and disc-shaped, whereas a ball would be spherical. I feel like most readers would have that same initial thought, and for me it lead to a bit of confusion when you said it was a baseball, as I was trying to picture a flattened baseball.

He noticed a portable flashlight sitting on a desk

I've dealt with a lot of flashlights of various kinds, from your cheap dollar store ones up to your several hundred dollar lights. Even had the opportunity to handle a couple lights that approached thousands of dollars, but with all of those lights, I have never come across one that I would call a "flashlight" that was not also portable. I just can't picture a non-portable flashlight at all. Pretty sure including "portable" here just becomes redundant.

He closed his eyes, losing himself in his memories.

Now you're just asking for it, Claude. NEVER close your eyes when you're holding your should-still-be-dead-but-looks-fine girlfriend, especially with some sort of mastermind illusionist pulling all your strings.

Pokulok winced as the prickling feeling reached his cheek; it had become too pronounced to ignore. He then made the mistake of opening his eyes. When he did, he let out a terrified scream.

Told you so. You gotta remember all those horror movies when you suddenly find yourself living in one.

Forget it, Claude. You’re here to rescue hostages and kill that fucking thing. That’s what you were trained to do. Leave the philosophical crap to someone who gives a damn.

No, that’s what a soldier is trained to do. Jerrell always wanted me to be more than tha-

Yeah, well, look where that got him. Just do your job and stop asking pointless questions.

The MSE slowly nodded in response.

I love these sections where Claude not only talks to himself, but he argues with himself. Making him then physically react to his thoughts, and describing it as "responding" to himself just makes it that much better. If he didn't physically respond, it wouldn't be so bad. Also, if he didn't have the ability to talk to his pokemon at this point, it also wouldn't be so bad, but the fact that he's not entirely alone (as far as who he can speak to that's not the Revenant) but he's still talking to himself like this just makes Claude look crazy, which I love. Even without the Revenant tweaking with his senses, I feel like we wouldn't be able to trust Claude's perception of a creepy, abandoned ship anyways. Without these self-argument sections, I think the reader could almost write Claude off as simply troubled, or struggling. Having them present, though, just makes him feel...broken.

His Pokemon let out cries of panic and fled through the door he had come through.

I'd expect this from Faitos (who I've written off as nearly useless at this point, except when under strict direction), but not at all from Deifir. Everything else about Deifir up to this point has said that even in the face of sights like that he would at least have the sense to attack, if not think through a better plan. He's seemed to be the only stable one of the three, so when he breaks instead of being there to rally Claude, it's a bit hard to believe. Maybe he's really that freaked out by all of this, but I almost feel it would make more sense with Deifir's character to have only Faitos flee and then have Deifir take off to chase him. Either that, or I am just going to be immensely disappointed with the way Deifir dropped the ball when it counted here, abandoning his trainer and his mind both. Because of all this though, I'm hesitant to believe this actually happened. Heck, I'm hesistant to believe that anything that happens in this story is actually happening to the characters.


I'm really feeling the Dead Space vibes in this. In fact, I was feeling that almost before anything started happening. When I knew the story was horror and you set it in space, it instantly jumped to Dead Space and a bit of Alien in my mind. Not a bad thing at all. So far it has been good horror, and I'm enjoying the fact that we can't trust anything at any point. We have a mentally ravaged protagonist quickly growing worse; a cowardly skarmory; and a sadistic, sinister illusionist that all cannot be trusted. And as I said before, the one sound mind of the lot, Deifir, has apparently lost it as well. This all contributes to me not wanting to trust anything that's described, which makes discerning the story's future path quite interesting.

Also, a few things you've said about the Revenant so far have me quite intrigued about what they/it are/is. Particularly how it "scanned" Claude's mind. If it could read his mind, I'm not sure how he'll ever overcome it, as it should know all of his plans before he can enact them (but so far, we've yet to see the Revenant react or reply to Claude's thoughts, which I thought was odd). Also, the choice of the word "scanned" in that initial description gave the Revenant an electronic/robotic feeling, which, when coupled with it sharing the name of the ship, makes me think of something more along the lines of Terminator, where a machine has become self-aware and begun to pray on humans.

Quite interesting thusfar, and I believe you've rehooked me into this site for a while. If you have a PM list, I'd love to be on it. For now, I want to go play Dead Space or get to writing some of those horror pieces I have floating around in my own mind.

[Sid87]

Chapter 5

He caught a movement out of the corner of his eye, but he only saw a defeated shadow of himself in the broken mirror. The reflection was emaciated with disheveled hair and dulled eyes, but the thing that truly frightened the MSE was that his reflection’s face held a warped grin in its depths. The teenager felt the cold claws of fear grip his heart; he knew that he wasn’t smiling

I think that might be my favorite part of the story so far. Just...superbly worded and described.

The reflection’s teeth seemed to gleam in the darkness as an emaciated arm reached out from its glassy prison and grabbed the teenager by the throat. “She said die!” it hissed callously.

I like this whole scene; it was very well done and creepy and it was an absolute joy to read from a horror perspective, but I do think the "She said die!" line is a bit B-movie, in my opinion. I'm not sure what you could really have done besides that, but I could see that line coming 80 miles away.

He heard an inhuman laugh behind him. He whirled around and saw a cracked mirror with three of his reflections sneering at him. Out of terror, he flung his pistol at the mirror, not even watching to see if he had hit it. He shielded his head with his arms and curled into a ball.

“Get the **** away from me!” Pokulok shrieked. His eyes were as wide as twin moons. “Get away!”

Am I the only one picturing Army of Darkness right now? Where Ash breaks the mirror and the dozen tiny reflections of him emerge and start harassing him? Maybe that's just me. Not really a critique; I just started picturing that and figured I'd mention it. Heh.

“The drug you used is a very volatile painkiller that’s been banned around the world because of its side effects. Furthermore, the only people who produce and sell it have ties to the UA. You could easily be charged with treason.”

“Side effects?”

Harris sighed. “Side effects such as violent hallucinations,” he replied in the tone of a parent lecturing their child. “I’m surprised that you don’t know what I’m talking about; you were experiencing those very same side effects when I tried to sedate you.”

I keep waffling on whether I think this is a case of characters describing things they don't need to describe solely for the sake of the reader. It reads as though Claude didn't know what the drug was, but if it was banned on such a wide scale, he probably had to jump through hoops to get it, so I don't know if I accept his needing to be told what it was when I have a feeling he had to already know. But the info about the UA, that might be integral. Just not sure how much of this exposition I think we really need in dialogue. The narrator could have filled the reader in on some of it.

That said, I was pleasantly surprised by Jerrell, who was not nearly the hard-***, take-no-nonsense military guy I assumed he'd be from Claude's discussion with Chad. He is quite a fatherly figure. I was quite swerved on what to expect from him. I hope we get to see more of him, even if only in flashbacks. If he is really dead, I'm suddenly more broken about his passing than I was about Andrea's. That flashback was immensely touching and heartfelt.

A quick search turned up two shotgun slugs and little else of note. After loading the shotgun, the teenager attached it to a magnetic placeholder in the back of his suit. “Okay,” he said calmly. “You’re only giving me two bullets. That’s fine. I guess that means I have to find more. Let me see…what else is there?”

I doubt these references are intentional at all, but I've gone from imagining Army of Darkness to...Doom? Space marine wanders around a haunted environment, searching for better weapons and ammo. Again, not a critique at all...it just amused me.

Skip the scene.

What?

Do it or I’ll hurt you.

Why? Jerrell mentioned me by name-

ARGH. Why is this thing so adamant that Claude go past anything having to do with himself? Is it just trying to remove hope? Or is it tied to Claude himself? I'm terrible at figuring out the end to these kinds of things.


-I have to admit that I'm wondering why Claude is still going. Obviously, the antagonist is, too, so that must be part of the story. But given it's seeming omnipotence at this point, I wonder why Claude just hasn't given up. So far this thing has proven that it's in Claude's head, hears all his thoughts, and can effortlessly hurt Claude at any attempt of resistance. At this point, I think anyone in the world would start thinking you can't possibly win, and this thing's just going to screw with you until it decides to kill you or drive you mad.

-Chad teases that the military knows exactly what this thing is, and I'm thinking that maybe the UA are actually the good guys in all this. Hmmm.


Chapter 6

The response was so small and weak that he almost couldn’t hear it. “M-Motris. Giror Motris.”

I actually had just been reading without comment until this point, but...I LOL'ed. Giror Motris? Really? Hee.

So, since I haven't been commenting so far, let's go over a few things I've noticed:

-The italicized voice that Claude has been arguing with is...his conscience? And not the Revenant? Does that mean it was his conscience that made him skip the Jerrell scene on the video earlier? There's a lot of italicized dialogue going on around here. Is it more than coincidence that both the Revenant and Claude's inner voice are both italicized? Maybe I'm just looking too hard at that one, but man...it feels like there is something there.

-The scene of Andrea hypnotizing him...that's totally a pokemon thing. So is the Revenant really after all just an incredibly amped up and violent psychic type? Maybe that was what the military was working on to combat the UA.I've had the feeling that all the "pain" the Revenant was causing Claude was all in his head and psychological, and this chapter is furthering that belief for me.

I can see myself dying. Blood…blood everywhere. The Reaper is right next to me. I scream, but he’s the only one who hears. They say that death is just another journey, but when the Reaper walks toward me, brandishing his scythe…oh, God, how can I not be afraid?

Oh ho ho...another brilliant line. Very nice.

-I like the sudden care that Claude is displaying for Deifer and Fatios. He realizes he left them alone and panics; he yells at Giror Motris (LOL, still can't not love that name) that he's risking their lives. By the way, another subtle pop culture reference, maybe? Giror reminds me a lot of Bill Paxton's character from Aliens. "It's game over, man!"

-Hm, "spawn". That keeps coming up. Spawn of the monster. Spawn of the Revenant. What am I not seeing here?

I was a fool! It put the name right in front of me, and I still couldn’t see it! Giror Motris…Rigor mortis…

*raises hand* I saw it!


-I'm curious about the uselessness (that's not nice, but oh well) of Deifer and Fatios at the end here. They just panic and run in terror without even worrying about Claude? They don't even attempt to fight or protect him? Is the Revenant screwing with their perceptions, as well?


-Two more good chapters. I see that this doesn't get updated TERRIBLY frequently, but please do add me to the PM list so that I can keep up when it does. I feel a lot like Claude where it seems like we've been given 800 clues, but I can't seem to put too much together as to what is going on. If you don't mind, I'm going to comment on a few of your replies to me, too.

Hmm...I was actually talking about wormholes, which are entirely different than a black hole. Black holes are the direct aftermath of the supernova of a massive star; they do pretty much what you say they do. Wormholes are supposedly inter-dimensional rifts in the time/space continuum, and they supposedly allow time travel due to the theory of relativity. I don't put stock into time travel at all (I feel that if it did exist, there are factors that we can't even begin to comprehend), and have therefore made wormholes more of a rapid-aging device.

I always just used the phrases "wormhole" and "black hole" interchangeably. It never occurred to me that they might be different things. You win this round!

The phrase "trembling like a newborn puppy" is where I got it from. I just made a minor alteration.

Oh? Well I'd never heard that before, so that'd be why it was so odd to me.

More fridge brilliance that I didn't see. Man, you're really good at catching that.

Probably like how I kept seeing references to Army of Darkness, Doom, Firefly, and Aliens in this chapter. Though the Aliens one, at least, felt REALLY intentional. I'd be surprised if you didn't mean for that one to happen.

I'll have to check out your fic sometime soon and give a review when I have time.

I'd be honored.

There's a funny thing about vacuums; they don't work at all like Hollywood portrays them. For one thing, it takes a long time for a vacuum to affect a person's body, and the person has to be directly exposed for hours on end. Trust me when I say that I've researched this topic to death. But another thing to mention is that Claude would never intentionally send his Pokemon into a dangerous place; the re-breathers are simply a precaution.

I did some research here after this reply, and it seems to be that we might both be right. I was REALLY disappointed that my 11th grade Physics teacher was wrong, and all these years I've been thinking blood would boil in space. But it does seem like other exposed fluids (membrane around the eyes, salva, and mucus in the nostrils) would still boil. I also found out about intense, extreme sunburn from solar rays that aren't being absorbed by an atmosphere, too--I hadn't even heard that one before. But yeah, I guess it's not as bad as I originally had been led to believe.

Also a very good point to make. I've heard a lot of people say that Faitios and Deifir are the sole comedic relief in this story, and the seventh chapter will hopefully bring out a tiny bit more.

Heh, the story doesn't SEEM like next chapter should be particularly humorous! How interesting!

[SilentMemento]

Came back after years of inactivity and managed to pick a great fic to read on my first try, and I picked horror (which I've been strangely addicted to for the past couple weeks) at that. Wonderful.

Thank you. I'm glad that you like my fic.

Before I get into anything, I have one suggestion/request: can you label the chapters in some visible way when you post them? At the very least, a bold "Chapter [number]" would be great, or if you want to stylize it somehow or bump up the size or whatever, that's up to you. Just any sort of label to make it easier to find when skimming past reviews to look for the next chapter would be nice. It will prove especially helpful to those people who haven't started reading this yet, and have to start from the beginning and catch up as I did.

Yes, of course. I'm really sorry about that; there's no excuse for not trying to help out readers. All of the chapters have been numbered, bolded, underlined, and bumped up to size four.

I wasn't very detailed in the notes I left myself for this review, so these quotes may come from sporadic places, and I didn't record the chapter for any of them, so now that I'm typing this up I have no clue what's from where. Sorry about that.

There's no need to be sorry; it's more my fault for not numbering the chapter for your convenience.

In the scene where Claude finds a baseball, you describe it as a circular object that he steps on. In my mind, "circular" implies something much flatter and disc-shaped, whereas a ball would be spherical. I feel like most readers would have that same initial thought, and for me it lead to a bit of confusion when you said it was a baseball, as I was trying to picture a flattened baseball.

You're correct, and I've fixed it.

I've dealt with a lot of flashlights of various kinds, from your cheap dollar store ones up to your several hundred dollar lights. Even had the opportunity to handle a couple lights that approached thousands of dollars, but with all of those lights, I have never come across one that I would call a "flashlight" that was not also portable. I just can't picture a non-portable flashlight at all. Pretty sure including "portable" here just becomes redundant.

Also correct and also fixed.

Now you're just asking for it, Claude. NEVER close your eyes when you're holding your should-still-be-dead-but-looks-fine girlfriend, especially with some sort of mastermind illusionist pulling all your strings.

Yeah, he really is asking for it.

Told you so. You gotta remember all those horror movies when you suddenly find yourself living in one.

True.

I love these sections where Claude not only talks to himself, but he argues with himself. Making him then physically react to his thoughts, and describing it as "responding" to himself just makes it that much better. If he didn't physically respond, it wouldn't be so bad. Also, if he didn't have the ability to talk to his pokemon at this point, it also wouldn't be so bad, but the fact that he's not entirely alone (as far as who he can speak to that's not the Revenant) but he's still talking to himself like this just makes Claude look crazy, which I love. Even without the Revenant tweaking with his senses, I feel like we wouldn't be able to trust Claude's perception of a creepy, abandoned ship anyways. Without these self-argument sections, I think the reader could almost write Claude off as simply troubled, or struggling. Having them present, though, just makes him feel...broken.

You nailed my thoughts exactly. This is exactly what I hoped to portray Claude as, and I'm beyond happy to know that I did my job.

I'd expect this from Faitos (who I've written off as nearly useless at this point, except when under strict direction), but not at all from Deifir. Everything else about Deifir up to this point has said that even in the face of sights like that he would at least have the sense to attack, if not think through a better plan. He's seemed to be the only stable one of the three, so when he breaks instead of being there to rally Claude, it's a bit hard to believe. Maybe he's really that freaked out by all of this, but I almost feel it would make more sense with Deifir's character to have only Faitos flee and then have Deifir take off to chase him. Either that, or I am just going to be immensely disappointed with the way Deifir dropped the ball when it counted here, abandoning his trainer and his mind both. Because of all this though, I'm hesitant to believe this actually happened. Heck, I'm hesistant to believe that anything that happens in this story is actually happening to the characters.

To be fair to both of them, the Revenant has been tormenting them as well. They're beyond freaked out by this, and Deifir's logic, which is normally one of his strongest attributes, has finally caved into fear. But there is another reason why they fled. I know that it sounds strange, but there is a reason for this, and it will be revealed why they did that.

I'm really feeling the Dead Space vibes in this. In fact, I was feeling that almost before anything started happening. When I knew the story was horror and you set it in space, it instantly jumped to Dead Space and a bit of Alien in my mind. Not a bad thing at all. So far it has been good horror, and I'm enjoying the fact that we can't trust anything at any point. We have a mentally ravaged protagonist quickly growing worse; a cowardly skarmory; and a sadistic, sinister illusionist that all cannot be trusted. And as I said before, the one sound mind of the lot, Deifir, has apparently lost it as well. This all contributes to me not wanting to trust anything that's described, which makes discerning the story's future path quite interesting.

That's what I was hoping for, although there are a lot of other factors going on as well.

Also, a few things you've said about the Revenant so far have me quite intrigued about what they/it are/is. Particularly how it "scanned" Claude's mind. If it could read his mind, I'm not sure how he'll ever overcome it, as it should know all of his plans before he can enact them (but so far, we've yet to see the Revenant react or reply to Claude's thoughts, which I thought was odd). Also, the choice of the word "scanned" in that initial description gave the Revenant an electronic/robotic feeling, which, when coupled with it sharing the name of the ship, makes me think of something more along the lines of Terminator, where a machine has become self-aware and begun to pray on humans.

It doesn't react or reply to his thoughts because it wants the game it's playing to be fun. It only read his mind because it wanted to know more about its opponent. As for the rest...you'll see.

Quite interesting thusfar, and I believe you've rehooked me into this site for a while. If you have a PM list, I'd love to be on it. For now, I want to go play Dead Space or get to writing some of those horror pieces I have floating around in my own mind.

I'd love to add you to the PM list. And good luck with your horror stories; I've read some of your work, and it's brilliant.

I think that might be my favorite part of the story so far. Just...superbly worded and described.

Thank you.

I like this whole scene; it was very well done and creepy and it was an absolute joy to read from a horror perspective, but I do think the "She said die!" line is a bit B-movie, in my opinion. I'm not sure what you could really have done besides that, but I could see that line coming 80 miles away.

I'm not sure another line would've had the same impact that this one did.

Am I the only one picturing Army of Darkness right now? Where Ash breaks the mirror and the dozen tiny reflections of him emerge and start harassing him? Maybe that's just me. Not really a critique; I just started picturing that and figured I'd mention it. Heh.

Heh. I see what you mean. The scene's more important than it looks, though.

I keep waffling on whether I think this is a case of characters describing things they don't need to describe solely for the sake of the reader. It reads as though Claude didn't know what the drug was, but if it was banned on such a wide scale, he probably had to jump through hoops to get it, so I don't know if I accept his needing to be told what it was when I have a feeling he had to already know. But the info about the UA, that might be integral. Just not sure how much of this exposition I think we really need in dialogue. The narrator could have filled the reader in on some of it.

Actually...he didn't. And the next two chapters should show why.

That said, I was pleasantly surprised by Jerrell, who was not nearly the hard-***, take-no-nonsense military guy I assumed he'd be from Claude's discussion with Chad. He is quite a fatherly figure. I was quite swerved on what to expect from him. I hope we get to see more of him, even if only in flashbacks. If he is really dead, I'm suddenly more broken about his passing than I was about Andrea's. That flashback was immensely touching and heartfelt.

Yes, he really is dead, and he was a true father figure to both Claude and Andrea. But the heartbreaking part is why the relationship between him and Claude was permanently shattered.

I doubt these references are intentional at all, but I've gone from imagining Army of Darkness to...Doom? Space marine wanders around a haunted environment, searching for better weapons and ammo. Again, not a critique at all...it just amused me.

Yeah, I see the Doom reference. It could also apply to Dead Space.

ARGH. Why is this thing so adamant that Claude go past anything having to do with himself? Is it just trying to remove hope? Or is it tied to Claude himself? I'm terrible at figuring out the end to these kinds of things.

You'll see.

-I have to admit that I'm wondering why Claude is still going. Obviously, the antagonist is, too, so that must be part of the story. But given it's seeming omnipotence at this point, I wonder why Claude just hasn't given up. So far this thing has proven that it's in Claude's head, hears all his thoughts, and can effortlessly hurt Claude at any attempt of resistance. At this point, I think anyone in the world would start thinking you can't possibly win, and this thing's just going to screw with you until it decides to kill you or drive you mad.

Like the Revenant said, something has been driving Claude forward. It's up to the reader to decide what it is, though.

-Chad teases that the military knows exactly what this thing is, and I'm thinking that maybe the UA are actually the good guys in all this. Hmmm.

Something that I have to mention about this: there are no good guys in this war. The UA has done more than enough to justify its terrorist status, and you know that the PLAF are far from innocent themselves.

I actually had just been reading without comment until this point, but...I LOL'ed. Giror Motris? Really? Hee.

Yeah. Poor guy has a really funny name, right? Those crazy Orrens... XD

-The italicized voice that Claude has been arguing with is...his conscience? And not the Revenant? Does that mean it was his conscience that made him skip the Jerrell scene on the video earlier? There's a lot of italicized dialogue going on around here. Is it more than coincidence that both the Revenant and Claude's inner voice are both italicized? Maybe I'm just looking too hard at that one, but man...it feels like there is something there.

Yes, that was his conscience that forced him to skip the video. Every italicized part that has quotation marks is the Revenant; everything else is either him or his conscience. And it's much more than a coincidence.

-The scene of Andrea hypnotizing him...that's totally a pokemon thing. So is the Revenant really after all just an incredibly amped up and violent psychic type? Maybe that was what the military was working on to combat the UA.I've had the feeling that all the "pain" the Revenant was causing Claude was all in his head and psychological, and this chapter is furthering that belief for me.

Possibly, but the Revenant wasn't lying when it said that it wasn't a Pokemon.

Oh ho ho...another brilliant line. Very nice.

The line's pretty important in its own right.

-I like the sudden care that Claude is displaying for Deifer and Fatios. He realizes he left them alone and panics; he yells at Giror Motris (LOL, still can't not love that name) that he's risking their lives. By the way, another subtle pop culture reference, maybe? Giror reminds me a lot of Bill Paxton's character from Aliens. "It's game over, man!"

Heh. Yeah. Part of Motris was a stereotypical California surfer, but that part was all Pvt. Hudson. And Claude's caring for his Pokemon has always been there. It's just that he realizes that he's put them in danger.

-Hm, "spawn". That keeps coming up. Spawn of the monster. Spawn of the Revenant. What am I not seeing here?

The spawn are basically part of the Revenant, and after the sixth chapter, everyone should know what the spawn were before.

*raises hand* I saw it!

I'm not surprised; I gave away a lot of hints on that one.

-I'm curious about the uselessness (that's not nice, but oh well) of Deifer and Fatios at the end here. They just panic and run in terror without even worrying about Claude? They don't even attempt to fight or protect him? Is the Revenant screwing with their perceptions, as well?

I don't think it's a spoiler to say that it is.

-Two more good chapters. I see that this doesn't get updated TERRIBLY frequently, but please do add me to the PM list so that I can keep up when it does. I feel a lot like Claude where it seems like we've been given 800 clues, but I can't seem to put too much together as to what is going on. If you don't mind, I'm going to comment on a few of your replies to me, too.

Of course, but yeah, I do need to update a little more often, haha.

I always just used the phrases "wormhole" and "black hole" interchangeably. It never occurred to me that they might be different things. You win this round!

I never thought they'd be different things either. Like I said, a lot of research went into this after I failed the first time around.

Oh? Well I'd never heard that before, so that'd be why it was so odd to me.

It's a rather common phrase, but...oh well.

Probably like how I kept seeing references to Army of Darkness, Doom, Firefly, and Aliens in this chapter. Though the Aliens one, at least, felt REALLY intentional. I'd be surprised if you didn't mean for that one to happen.

I did intend the Aliens reference (the drug-induced hallucination was an Alien reference as well). I'm not seeing the Firefly reference, though...

I'd be honored.

No problem.

I did some research here after this reply, and it seems to be that we might both be right. I was REALLY disappointed that my 11th grade Physics teacher was wrong, and all these years I've been thinking blood would boil in space. But it does seem like other exposed fluids (membrane around the eyes, salva, and mucus in the nostrils) would still boil. I also found out about intense, extreme sunburn from solar rays that aren't being absorbed by an atmosphere, too--I hadn't even heard that one before. But yeah, I guess it's not as bad as I originally had been led to believe.

Yes, but if there was a vacuum, you'd only feel it for twelve seconds at the most; you'd pass out almost immediately afterward.

Heh, the story doesn't SEEM like next chapter should be particularly humorous! How interesting!

Well, it also has Andrea and her Pokemon when she's still alive, so it'll be a bit heartwarming as well. I can't say the same for the rest.

[EonMaster One]

Well, well, well…

Okay, part of this review is to inform you that I am, indeed, still reading and still interested in this fine story. :-) Now that that’s out of the way, time to dust off my critiquing skills on the last few chapters. I’m attempting to re-dedicate myself to reviewing and this is the first one I’ve really done in a while, so bear with me. :-)

Chapter Four:

[QUOTE] His Pokemon had been right. The hangar had the look of a house that had been abandoned for at least a decade. The sound of every footstep he made was softened by the dust that covered the floor. In fact, there enough dust to leave behind the prints of his boots. Cobwebs were draped across every escape ship that he could see, and most of the lights on the roof had burned out. The ships themselves were in various stages of rust, the worst being practically inoperable.

I think you were going for “…there was enough dust to leave behind the prints of his boots.” Just a small foible. It happens.

(That’s at least twenty violations in the hangar alone,) Deifir said quietly. (Why in the hell would those idiots let their own escape ships fall into disrepair?)

“Never mind that,” Pokulok said angrily. “Why would our government give these people ships that are obviously expired?”

(Our government wouldn’t do that,) Deifir replied. (They have absolutely no reason to do something like that.)

“Then why are ships that have been tarnishing for decades sitting in this hangar?” the teenager snapped. “It takes years for ships to rust to such an extent; not even corrosive acids from poison-types would have an effect like that.” He pointed at a ship that had its hull covered in layers of rust.

(You’re not getting what I’m saying, Claude,) Deifir insisted. (Let’s use your idea and say that our government was dumb enough to give the Revenant defective ships. Why wouldn’t the higher-ups on board this ship file a complaint? It’s not like the PLAF wouldn’t listen; this is the largest, most important colony ship they have. If something went wrong, you’d think that this ship would get priority over everything else. So, why would our government give faulty escape ships to the Revenant? Something isn’t right.)

Hmm…I enjoy the fact that you seem to characterize Pokémon as having (at least) as much sentience, intelligence, and personality as a human being would, but it does seem sort of strange to me how a Pokémon would have such a wealth of knowledge and understanding of human governments. Maybe you could chalk it up to them having been with Pokulok for the last (I think) nine years or so, but if there’s another explanation (i.e. the Pokémon are raised and/or trained somehow by the government prior to being issued to their eventual owners) I’d like to hear it.

“I don’t think Lieutenant Dredge is going to like that very much,” Faitios murmured.

Of course, I remember that Faitios is a Pokémon…but if you’re following your own rule, I think these are supposed to be parentheses.


For the sake of space, I won’t quote the entire (albeit short) conversation with Jennings, but I will say that I feel like there was something missing – sort of like something that should have been explained but wasn’t. I’m assuming that Jennings’ voice sounds somewhat similar to the secretary that normally works for Dredge. Not to mention that it doesn’t seem to make sense that Pokulok would be dumb enough to hang up on a guy literally seconds after realizing that he was some sort of authority figure. Even if he is a bit unbalanced, you’d think he’d have at least that much wherewithal. Like I said, even though I can’t speak to whatever picture of how this exchange played out in your head, it felt like there were lines missing.

The thing paused. “You believe that we’re lying to you,” it said in a cold voice that sent shudders through the MSE’s skin. “Very well, Claude. We’ll just have to show you exactly what we can do. There is a man in the security room of the ship who is alive for the moment. However, he will die if you fail to play our game.”

The teenager’s heart started to race while his mind tried to process the new information. “You never mentioned anything about a hostage,” he said slowly.

“We never needed to before your stubborn streak decided to show its face. Now will you join us in sport? There are plenty of hostages to play with, you know.”

Well…I believe shit just got real.

Progress was painfully slow. Every sound, no matter how small, seemed to echo in the narrow hallway. Even with the helmet showing him the general direction, he still had a mere three feet of visibility. He was almost tempted to use the flashlight feature on his pistol, but he knew that he would be seen if he did that.

Still, the worst thing was that he was completely lost. He had tried using his transceiver as a GPS, but it seemed like every turn it told him to make led to a dead end. Fear was just beginning to crawl down his skin when a soft voice echoed inside of his mind.

(Hey, Claude,) Faitios said tentatively. (I don’t know how you’re doing, but we’re fine. Nothing’s happened, so…that’s pretty much our update.)

Pokulok took a calm breath and some of the fear seemed to subside with the realization that his Pokemon were okay. He quickly began to make his way toward a hallway that split in two directions. He quickly checked both corners and took a step to the left side. He immediately stopped when he felt a solid spherical object underneath his boot. Out of curiosity, he looked down. To his relief, the thing he stepped on was nothing more than an ancient baseball. He picked it up, immediately noticing a signature.

I have to admit that this is a nice autograph, but who the hell is David Freese?

1: That’s gotta be a small-*** flashlight if he can only see three feet in front of him. At his height (6’5” if I remember correctly, which is quite tall indeed), that likely means he can’t see his fingertips if he’s got his arms out in front of him.

2: Just curious…how would a GPS work in space? There are no such things as cardinal directions because directions (east, southwest, etc.) by definition are in relation to Earth/any other planet’s poles. Not saying that the concept of positioning satellites would be impossible in space. In fact, I’d expect them to be there in most space-based settings – otherwise, spaceships are just hurtling through the void with literally no earthly idea of where the hell they’re going. I just don’t know if GPS is the term you’d want to use here. Probably better to come up with your own.

3: A Cardinals plug…? Be careful of making real-world references that are this narrow. I’m sure a fairly large number of readers don’t watch baseball and would therefore be asking the exact same question – especially since Freese (albeit a good player) hasn’t quite reached the point of being one of those athletes whose fame transcends the actual sport to the point where people would know about him if they didn’t follow baseball.

The corpse was that of Pokulok’s former commanding officer, Jerrell Harris.

Ohh…crap. D-:


Chapter Five:

The first scene was probably one of the better-written character pieces you’ve done so far. And if you think that sounds like damning with faint praise, I’m sorry to say you’re probably right.

To be completely honest, up until this point, I was roped in by your unique setting and ability to pull the puppet strings of your readers’ brains with the horror imagery. As for Claude Pokulok, I always felt like he was just there because every story has to have a protagonist. But I had a hard time caring about him. He was a generic guy with some skeletons in his closet. But I feel like this flashback scene with Jerrell really added some depth to his character. More specifically, I liked the way you approached the tension between his military training and perceived need to be ‘strong’ for those around him, and the very real, very human need to grieve and acknowledge his pain. The fact that he was found where he was sort of implies that he didn’t fulfill that need too well, and it led him to self-medicate. I’m not sure if the symbolism with the broken house of mirrors (i.e. when he stares at a reflection of himself, it’s shattered into several pieces) was intentional – but if it was, then it was a very nice touch.

Get ready. Ready…

“Claude?”

He drew his pistol and turned around simultaneously, but his shock and disbelief stopped him from pulling the trigger. His jaw dropped, his eyes widened, and he could have sworn that his heart had stopped beating.

The young woman that stood in front of him was glaring at him reproachfully. She put her hands on her hips and shook her head in a disapproving manner.

“That’s a really rude way to greet someone,” Andrea said in a tone of forced calm. “Why in the name of God are you pointing that pistol at me, Claude?”

HOLYSHIT****AWSDHLASKJDH….Sorry. O_O

As of right now (not having read Chapter Six yet) this is far and away the best chapter you’ve done so far. After a long period of what felt at times like an extended exposition, this story finally has wheels and it’s going somewhere. We have proof that Pokulok is indeed a little bit nuts (well, for Pete’s sake, he’s hearing voices in his head – not counting the Revenant and those of his Pokémon – and following their instructions.) And a hell of a creepy, monstrous antagonist that, just by voice and personality alone, seems like it’s the bastard child of a particularly nasty Star Trek villain and…well, the Devil.

Optimally, you can really get your hooks into a reader around the third chapter – and maybe I’m finicky or whatever – but better late than never, I say.


Chapter Six:

Pokulok winced as the prickling feeling reached his cheek; it had become too pronounced to ignore. He then made the mistake of opening his eyes. When he did, he let out a terrified scream.

Andrea’s flesh was undergoing some hideous form of necrosis; it was blackening and melting at the same time. His arms were still draped around her decaying body, but they were slowly being engulfed by a bubbling black liquid that he faintly recognized as tar. The tar pooled onto the floor, forming a large puddle that seeped across his boots, and he realized that she was actually sinking into the puddle.

In spite of his conscience raging at him, the teenager did not let go of Andrea. Instead, he clung to her tighter, almost as if his actions could prevent the inevitable. He disregarded the burns across his arms, the smell of corroding skin, even the tears in his eyes. He knew that they would only cause him to lose her – and there was no way in hell he’d let that happen again.

Oh my dear sweet Buddha on a flying motorcycle. This is all at the same time heartbreaking and horrifying. You weren’t kidding when you said the horror would be ramped up. I’m still not sure this was worse than Stitchpunk!Andrea though…I read that months ago and I STILL can’t unsee that image…

In any case, this chapter seems to very accurately portray Pokulok’s descent (back?) into madness. It’s like I alluded to the very first time I reviewed – most good stories have conflict, but internal conflict within a protagonist gives a story a certain ‘punch’ that it wouldn’t have otherwise. That’s even more true with the knowledge that The Revenant is/are the actual antagonist(s). The interactions make me wonder (and that’s a good thing) – how much of the stuff that’s happening to Pokulok right now is a direct result of The Revenant screwing with his brain, and how much of it is happening because Pokulok’s brain’s already screwed up between the obvious trauma of losing Andrea and the apparent burden he carries of having killed another human being…oh, and withdrawal from whatever drugs, medicinal or otherwise, he was taking to deal with the first two problems. But then he’s got to deal with the Revenant on top of everything else. The Revenant’s obviously a creepy son of a *****, but it’s almost as if you had it set up from the beginning that Pokulok’s main struggle was going to be against himself. His conflicts have been extremely well-done, and it’s drawn me into his character more and more with each chapter.

And I noticed in your response to another reader’s review that you used one of my suggestions. I’m very honored.

One thing I would like to point out, however, is that sometimes I feel like you skimp on your description of the human characters, and fail to remind us what they look like. This is especially glaring with Pokulok himself. We’re supposed to be visualizing him in these situations, but I’m not sure you’ve given us reminders of his appearance since his introduction, so it’s hard to actually visualize him. So I would advise you, maybe, to hang descriptive phrases on your human characters related to appearance. What do we know about Claude Pokulok? Well, he’s in his late teens, he’s an MSE, he’s (assuming there hasn’t been a dramatic change in human size) way above average height. I forget his hair color, eye color, and body frame most times. You could use something like…

“(insert statement here),” the tall, (color here)-haired young man replied.

Or

“(insert question here),” the lanky (is he lanky or well-built?) young man said, running a hand back through his (insert color here) hair.

Other than foibles here and there, though, you’re writing very, VERY well. You’re significantly improved from what I saw from you a few months ago – and that’s saying quite a bit.

I’ll be back for Chapter Seven. Can’t wait. (Speaking of chapters, if I did my math correctly, that means that you’re ending at 13 chapters. Enjoy!”

- EM1

[SilentMemento]

Well, well, well…

Okay, part of this review is to inform you that I am, indeed, still reading and still interested in this fine story. :-) Now that that’s out of the way, time to dust off my critiquing skills on the last few chapters. I’m attempting to re-dedicate myself to reviewing and this is the first one I’ve really done in a while, so bear with me. :-)

I'm glad to see that you're still interested, especially since I'm so horrible at updating. XD

I think you were going for “…there was enough dust to leave behind the prints of his boots.” Just a small foible. It happens.

Yes, I was. Thank you for catching that. I've made sure to correct it.

Hmm…I enjoy the fact that you seem to characterize Pokémon as having (at least) as much sentience, intelligence, and personality as a human being would, but it does seem sort of strange to me how a Pokémon would have such a wealth of knowledge and understanding of human governments. Maybe you could chalk it up to them having been with Pokulok for the last (I think) nine years or so, but if there’s another explanation (i.e. the Pokémon are raised and/or trained somehow by the government prior to being issued to their eventual owners) I’d like to hear it.

I think you nailed the reason why they have that sort of knowledge. They've been around humans for nine years. In my honest opinion, creatures as intelligent as Pokemon would be able to pick up clues about human society in that span of time, especially if they were bred in captivity.

Of course, I remember that Faitios is a Pokémon…but if you’re following your own rule, I think these are supposed to be parentheses.

Also true. I've taken care of that as well.

For the sake of space, I won’t quote the entire (albeit short) conversation with Jennings, but I will say that I feel like there was something missing – sort of like something that should have been explained but wasn’t. I’m assuming that Jennings’ voice sounds somewhat similar to the secretary that normally works for Dredge. Not to mention that it doesn’t seem to make sense that Pokulok would be dumb enough to hang up on a guy literally seconds after realizing that he was some sort of authority figure. Even if he is a bit unbalanced, you’d think he’d have at least that much wherewithal. Like I said, even though I can’t speak to whatever picture of how this exchange played out in your head, it felt like there were lines missing.

You've got a great point on a lot of this, but as the next chapter will show, Pokulok and Jennings don't exactly have the best relationship. I'll edit this part, though, and see if I can make it a little more clear.

Well…I believe shit just got real.

Yes. Shit has most definitely gotten real.

1: That’s gotta be a small-*** flashlight if he can only see three feet in front of him. At his height (6’5” if I remember correctly, which is quite tall indeed), that likely means he can’t see his fingertips if he’s got his arms out in front of him.

One thing I want to point out is that he's using the night vision inside of his helmet in order to see, not a flashlight. Otherwise, I believe I got my point across as to how dark it was.

2: Just curious…how would a GPS work in space? There are no such things as cardinal directions because directions (east, southwest, etc.) by definition are in relation to Earth/any other planet’s poles. Not saying that the concept of positioning satellites would be impossible in space. In fact, I’d expect them to be there in most space-based settings – otherwise, spaceships are just hurtling through the void with literally no earthly idea of where the hell they’re going. I just don’t know if GPS is the term you’d want to use here. Probably better to come up with your own.

Probably.

3: A Cardinals plug…? Be careful of making real-world references that are this narrow. I’m sure a fairly large number of readers don’t watch baseball and would therefore be asking the exact same question – especially since Freese (albeit a good player) hasn’t quite reached the point of being one of those athletes whose fame transcends the actual sport to the point where people would know about him if they didn’t follow baseball.

It's a small reference to the World Series team that I wasn't really expecting most people to get. The reference that I was expecting them to get was E.T.

Ohh…crap. D-:

Yes. Yes, indeed.

The first scene was probably one of the better-written character pieces you’ve done so far. And if you think that sounds like damning with faint praise, I’m sorry to say you’re probably right.

To be completely honest, up until this point, I was roped in by your unique setting and ability to pull the puppet strings of your readers’ brains with the horror imagery. As for Claude Pokulok, I always felt like he was just there because every story has to have a protagonist. But I had a hard time caring about him. He was a generic guy with some skeletons in his closet.

I can't disagree with you on this. I think you nailed just about everything I did wrong on this. It's something that I should have worked out a lot more, and it's something that I will continue to work out throughout the story.

But I feel like this flashback scene with Jerrell really added some depth to his character. More specifically, I liked the way you approached the tension between his military training and perceived need to be ‘strong’ for those around him, and the very real, very human need to grieve and acknowledge his pain.

That's a major part of his character. He refuses to acknowledge the fact that he can seek help, that there are people who are willing to help him out. That independence, combined with his stubborn streak, makes for a very dangerous combination and a very glaring weakness.

The fact that he was found where he was sort of implies that he didn’t fulfill that need too well, and it led him to self-medicate. I’m not sure if the symbolism with the broken house of mirrors (i.e. when he stares at a reflection of himself, it’s shattered into several pieces) was intentional – but if it was, then it was a very nice touch.

Yes. Yes, that absolutely was intentional. Major kudos to you for catching that.

HOLYSHIT****AWSDHLASKJDH….Sorry. O_O

Hehe...glad to know I can still scare you after the third chapter.

As of right now (not having read Chapter Six yet) this is far and away the best chapter you’ve done so far. After a long period of what felt at times like an extended exposition, this story finally has wheels and it’s going somewhere. We have proof that Pokulok is indeed a little bit nuts (well, for Pete’s sake, he’s hearing voices in his head – not counting the Revenant and those of his Pokémon – and following their instructions.) And a hell of a creepy, monstrous antagonist that, just by voice and personality alone, seems like it’s the bastard child of a particularly nasty Star Trek villain and…well, the Devil.

Your description of the Revenant is fairly accurate, if the Borg is said Star Trek villain. The second part is close but not entirely accurate.

Optimally, you can really get your hooks into a reader around the third chapter – and maybe I’m finicky or whatever – but better late than never, I say.

True, but now that this story has steam, it's not going to slow down. I'm personally going to make sure of that.

Oh my dear sweet Buddha on a flying motorcycle. This is all at the same time heartbreaking and horrifying. You weren’t kidding when you said the horror would be ramped up. I’m still not sure this was worse than Stitchpunk!Andrea though…I read that months ago and I STILL can’t unsee that image…

Wow. The image in the third chapter was that scary? I didn't realize. But this...this may not even be the most horrifying thing in this chapter.

In any case, this chapter seems to very accurately portray Pokulok’s descent (back?) into madness. It’s like I alluded to the very first time I reviewed – most good stories have conflict, but internal conflict within a protagonist gives a story a certain ‘punch’ that it wouldn’t have otherwise. That’s even more true with the knowledge that The Revenant is/are the actual antagonist(s).

Internal conflict is the best kind, especially when it comes from a protagonist as unreliable as Claude.

The interactions make me wonder (and that’s a good thing) – how much of the stuff that’s happening to Pokulok right now is a direct result of The Revenant screwing with his brain, and how much of it is happening because Pokulok’s brain’s already screwed up between the obvious trauma of losing Andrea and the apparent burden he carries of having killed another human being…oh, and withdrawal from whatever drugs, medicinal or otherwise, he was taking to deal with the first two problems. But then he’s got to deal with the Revenant on top of everything else. The Revenant’s obviously a creepy son of a *****, but it’s almost as if you had it set up from the beginning that Pokulok’s main struggle was going to be against himself. His conflicts have been extremely well-done, and it’s drawn me into his character more and more with each chapter.

That's what I was intending...but the story never said that Pokulok was bothered by the fact that he murdered someone - and the next two chapters should show that.

And I noticed in your response to another reader’s review that you used one of my suggestions. I’m very honored.

Of course. I always value the advice of reviewers and try to make my story as easy to read as possible. It's what I'm supposed to do.

One thing I would like to point out, however, is that sometimes I feel like you skimp on your description of the human characters, and fail to remind us what they look like. This is especially glaring with Pokulok himself. We’re supposed to be visualizing him in these situations, but I’m not sure you’ve given us reminders of his appearance since his introduction, so it’s hard to actually visualize him. So I would advise you, maybe, to hang descriptive phrases on your human characters related to appearance. What do we know about Claude Pokulok? Well, he’s in his late teens, he’s an MSE, he’s (assuming there hasn’t been a dramatic change in human size) way above average height. I forget his hair color, eye color, and body frame most times. You could use something like…

“(insert statement here),” the tall, (color here)-haired young man replied.

Or

“(insert question here),” the lanky (is he lanky or well-built?) young man said, running a hand back through his (insert color here) hair.

True on all counts. I wanted to avoid overusing that sort of description, but I guess I ended up doing the exact opposite. I promise that this will be fixed.

Other than foibles here and there, though, you’re writing very, VERY well. You’re significantly improved from what I saw from you a few months ago – and that’s saying quite a bit.

Thank you. That means a lot to me.

I’ll be back for Chapter Seven. Can’t wait. (Speaking of chapters, if I did my math correctly, that means that you’re ending at 13 chapters. Enjoy!”

- EM1

Thank you so much for the kind review, EM1. It is thirteen chapters (or twelve and an epilogue), and yes, it is symbolic. After all, this is a horror story, right?

[Sidewinder]

She even wore the same clothes.

I liked that little addition quite a bit. I'm taking portions on commenting on them as I read, and I have to say that at this point, I know for certain that she's a hallucination. Obviously because she's dead, and also because he's in random space aboard a giant ship, but I'm surprised he didn't make that connection with her clothes and immedeately realize the deception. I say that because I WANT him to realize it, because I can really and truely relate to what he is feeling. When you love something so deeply and dearly, when they are so intertwined with who you are at your core, reality starts to fray, and the emotions inside become what you believe in such a way that you easily forget cold hard fact. Nicely done sir, nicely done.

“How do I know that this is even real? For all I know, you could be another hallucination.”

Whew! Okay nvm, wow.

And there’s a ****ing monster on this ship that can allegedly warp the fabric of reality and create hallucinations beyond the capabilities of most Pokemon!”

I liked that portion quite a bit too. Stephen King wrote a book called 'The Tommyknockers', and the portion I quoted reminded me of my favorite part of that book. The gravity of what Claude is saying. I'm not trying to take away from your work by talking about someone else's, believe me, but in case you haven't read the book, there's this one portion when one of the main characters in talking to the other one, and they're sitting at a table. The evil one is holding the other one at gunpoint and telling him to swallow pills and commit suicide. The good main character asks what would happen if he refused. The bad main character smiles and pulls this weird futuristic radio out from under the table and says,

"If you don't, I'll turn the dial on this, open a hole in reality and send you somewhere...Unpleasent..."

Seriously gave me chills when I read that. And the portion of your's that I quoted did the exact same thing for me. For some reason that bit made me get really excited for the rest of the chapter as well as add the sinister feel that I remembered from my first read through.

“Who is the human girl?” the cold voice asked with an emotion that the teenager didn’t recognize. “What does she mean to you?”

Hmmm. Obviously the Revenant can see into his mind, but it doesn't understand exactly what it's seeing? It almost feels to me like the Revenant is almost like a child with godlike powers/an omnipotent being who is so disconnected from rationality that even little notions like love and sentimentality that it exposes its victims/people with these images in an effort to figure out a way to relate to people. Almost reminds me of 'Mother' from the Remnant series, if you've ever read it. Be careful when explaining and opening up about what Revenant really is, as I like the theories my mind is cooking up, but at the same time I know I'm grasping a not yet fully formed understanding of what it is. When you're dealing with something as large and powerful as the Rvenant, you leave yourself open to it being so all encompassingly large that it makes it almost unrelateable. Not that you're doing that at all, and I don't think you'd make that mistake, but it is something that crossed my mind. I hope that makes sense lol

Once again, sorry it took me so long to get here, but I hoped my input aids in some way. I really enjoyed the chapter. The foreword at the start of the chapter saying that the horror is being taken up a notch was completely spot on, and it is really the driving point behind the fic. I'm hoping that Deifir and Faitios have bigger roles soon, as I'm anxious to explore their characters more, but even if they don't I'm really enjoying themself. Despite different words I would have used in one or two other places, this chapter was as superb as the rest and I'm anxious for more buddy. Good job

[Air Dragon]

Time to review! Finally!

Well, firstly, let's get grammar call out of the way. These may have been pointed out before, but as I noticed them recently, I think I may mention them again.

Ah, who am I kidding. This was too well written and I'm too much of a nitpicker...

before all contact between the command center and theRevenant had been severed.

I’d doanything to make you happy.”

You ended up killingme with your idiotic actions!

In fact, aside from a few parts of her appearance, she looked downrightnormal.

“They’d have to be absolutely moronic to even thinkabout it.”

We’ll just have to show youexactly what we can do.

“She saiddie!”

Words in bold need a space. I won't say where. Man, your space bar must hate you as this one does. No pun intended...

Oh, that’s just great. Now there’s zero-gravity inside of a ****ing vacuum. Are you ****ing kidding me? Is this your sick idea of a trap?

I actually thought that was the Revenant's idea of physics. Zero-gravity is kinda the norm in vacuums, n'est pas?

On to the actual plot, this is actually some pretty darn good stuff. And I'm not even a horror fic aficianado. (Is that how that's spelt? *le shrug*) I have some scary theories to the going-ons here and none of them are as pretty as the Revenant, and THAT, good sir, is a pretty sick creation if I do say so myself. Top-notch thrills.

Short on time here, so I'm gonna jet.

L@er!