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Thread: A Day in the Life of a Gym Leader[PG]

  1. #26
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    Once again, Erika's story was a great improvement. As a whole, the story had a lot more description, length, and nice dialog (sp.?). The only problem with Erika's story is that it's kind of confusing; I don't exactly get what Erika and Michelle are trying to say. I do understand that Michelle joined the Celadon Gym just to feel accepted, and Erika's trying to tell Michelle that you can make mistakes sometimes.

    Now on to the specifics...

    Quote Originally Posted by disclaimer065 View Post
    The Celadon Gym Leader lifted her eyes from the book she was reading and glanced over at the French doors that led to her den and library as a cheerful girl in a black dress bounded in, her brown curls leaping around her face joyfully.
    Very nice character description, compared to Mickey, Robin, and Kravich. The first two didn't have any character description at all, and I'm glad that Michelle gets some nice character description. Good job!

    Quote Originally Posted by disclaimer065 View Post
    The Grass princess furrowed her brow as she read the return address, or more specifically, the names on it: Brier and Holly (the last name had been smudged, somehow)---her parents.
    I don't think it's really necessary to substitute Erika with "The Grass princess". But I do like the names Brier and Holly - nice puns.

    Quote Originally Posted by disclaimer065 View Post
    Oh, there's something I want, alright... “N-no, not really.”
    The change in POV was a little too sudden. Perhaps if you put "Michelle thought" after "Oh, there's something I want, alright" it would be clearer that the POV has shifted briefly.

    Quote Originally Posted by disclaimer065 View Post
    Michelle's gaze snapped to Erika. She looked bewildered. “I, uh, I like plants?” She didn't even seem sure herself.
    Lol. "I like plants!" It's one of the funniest parts of this story.

    Quote Originally Posted by disclaimer065 View Post
    “My parents are a tad eccentric. Their idea of a fun time is going to the top of the Goldenrod department store at midnight and howling like wolves. They dragged me along several times as well.”
    ERIKA'S PARENTS ARE WEREWOLVES! No just kidding. But shouldn't it be "Celadon Department Store" instead? Goldenrod City is REALLY far away from Celadon City. Plus I'm not sure if wolves exist in the Pokemon world; maybe replace "wolves" with "Mightyenas"?

    Quote Originally Posted by disclaimer065 View Post
    “You have plenty of time left before you need to settle on anything. You're still a teenager. Go and have fun. Make some bad decisions. Not TOO bad... But you understand what I'm saying. Live.”

    Michelle nodded, clasped her fist shut, and ran downstairs, through the gym, and outside into the city. She ran and ran and ran, until she came to a stoplight. She paused, catching her breath, and opened her hand. Her heart soared. It was a Rainbow Badge.
    I LIKE this. I like the nice message Erika gave Michelle. But why would Erika give Michelle a Rainbow Badge?



    Once again, Erika's story was very nice and heartwarming. I was thrilled to see "Michelle" used as a name... it's my name in real life, ha ha. Keep up the good work; I can't wait until the next story!
    I derp.

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    Nice! I can't wait for Crasher Wake (or is it crusher???)
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  3. #28
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    Erika's character was according to expectations. I'll have to re-read it to fully understand all of the small plot you proposed, but from what I read I got the enough idea to understand the ending. Erika speaking about living is something suitable to her character, but maybe not with her age.

    I mean, you can still live a lot when you're 21, make a lot of mistakes and stuff as long as you think it's not late. I once heard that you become old when you think you're old, but that's only my perception of it. Your focus was more centered on the teenage part, the making mistakes as a teenager part.

    I really liked that last part.

    Thanks for your time, I look forward to the next chapter
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  4. #29
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    The Celadon Gym Leader lifted her eyes from the book she was reading and glanced over at the French doors that led to her den and library as a cheerful girl in a black dress bounded in, her brown curls leaping around her face joyfully.
    While there's nothing wrong with this sentence, maybe it's a bit too long? I would think it'd be better if it was cut in half.


    Interesting take on Erika. She's how I pictured her to be as well, and adding Michelle in to somewhat contrast her was nice. The part about her parents was a bit odd, though, especially the Clefairy. Maybe it's coz I don't get how it's ironic. XD

    This is also my favorite ending out of all of them so far. A good conclusion with a thoughtful message and opens up a few things for interpretation. I also like the implications of the Rainbow Badge. Heh.

    Janine's up next, and I always thought that she was the most interesting of the Kanto leaders [apart from Giovanni and Blue, of course] because of her relationship with her father. Can't wait for it!


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  5. #30
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    Quote Originally Posted by UltimatePokemonExpert
    so im confused. was the girl a lesbian? also it sounded like you made erika a lesbian. it sounded like she was saying for her to come back when she was older so they could date. thats what it sounded like but i wanted to make sure.
    Aye.


    Quote Originally Posted by bobandbill
    This felt a bit old, the thought suddenly coming from Michelle - it seemed to change perspective too suddenly for my liking, so maybe a bit more earlier on to 'ease in' to the fact this one-shot is more from both of their POVs is something I suggest.
    Hmm... I guess it does look odd. I don't quite know how to change that without changing the feel I was going for, though.

    Although I can see it being said this way (after all dialogue doesn't need to be grammatically correct) I felt it was a bit oddly spoken around the '...the gym, the rest of...'part (like she's in a rush to speak when it doesn't seem otherwise obvious that she is given she is sitting and drinking tea).
    Cue minor edits.


    Quote Originally Posted by Articuno_rocks
    Once again, Erika's story was a great improvement. As a whole, the story had a lot more description, length, and nice dialog (sp.?). The only problem with Erika's story is that it's kind of confusing; I don't exactly get what Erika and Michelle are trying to say. I do understand that Michelle joined the Celadon Gym just to feel accepted, and Erika's trying to tell Michelle that you can make mistakes sometimes.
    They're lesbians. Y'see, I missed out on the day-of-silence thing, so I decided I should do something to show my support, and then Erika cropped up...

    I don't think it's really necessary to substitute Erika with "The Grass princess". But I do like the names Brier and Holly - nice puns.
    Eh, probably. I just feel it gets a little monotonous, is all.

    ERIKA'S PARENTS ARE WEREWOLVES! No just kidding. But shouldn't it be "Celadon Department Store" instead? Goldenrod City is REALLY far away from Celadon City. Plus I'm not sure if wolves exist in the Pokemon world; maybe replace "wolves" with "Mightyenas"?
    Yeah, I know. It's supposed to imply that she moved to Celadon from Goldenrod. Also, good idea.

    But why would Erika give Michelle a Rainbow Badge?
    Because... Rainbow.


    Quote Originally Posted by RoflLuxRay
    I mean, you can still live a lot when you're 21, make a lot of mistakes and stuff as long as you think it's not late. I once heard that you become old when you think you're old, but that's only my perception of it. Your focus was more centered on the teenage part, the making mistakes as a teenager part.
    Someone somewhere else said pretty much the same thing. I'm going to adjust Erika's age slightly, so as to make her slightly older, and thus fit a little better with the "we can't be together yet," part as well.


    Quote Originally Posted by Dramatic Melody
    Interesting take on Erika. She's how I pictured her to be as well, and adding Michelle in to somewhat contrast her was nice. The part about her parents was a bit odd, though, especially the Clefairy. Maybe it's coz I don't get how it's ironic. XD
    Ah yes, I forgot to include the little snippet that explained it. I'll fix that...


    Thank you all so much!

  6. #31
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    Quote Originally Posted by disclaimer065 View Post
    They're lesbians. Y'see, I missed out on the day-of-silence thing, so I decided I should do something to show my support, and then Erika cropped up...
    WTF????

    ...
    ...
    ...
    If that's the case, the rating of this thread should be moved up from PG to at least PG-13. I don't think kids can handle the... um... mature theme.

    ...
    ...
    ...
    ...

    But then again, Erika and Michelle being queer was implied instead of explicitly stated, so I guess that's okay... just be careful next time.
    I derp.

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  7. #32
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    ^ I'm sure that a PG rating (what this fic has) is fine enough for that given that nothing actually happened - it's just implied that they are lesbians and...well, that is it! If a child couldn't deal with that imo then they've been wrapped in too much cotton wool. It's only arguably a 'mature theme' if they make out in the scene or whatnot which didn't happen, so PG is perfectly fine IMO.

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  8. #33
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    Yeah... To be perfectly honest, I don't put much thought into my ratings (and frequently don't rate them at all). I just don't see it as an incredibly important part of a fic, and I think that having a higher rating would probably attract, rather than deter people who shouldn't be reading it.

    I dunno, if it gets to the point where a higher rating is required (which I sincerely doubt it will), I'll just have a mod change it.

  9. #34
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    Welp, sorry it's been so long since the last update. That can be attributed to two things: I have something original in the works, and I had no clue where I wanted to go with this.

    I feel like there was a lot of wasted potential with this, but it's been several days, and I don't see any way I can improve upon it by myself. Enjoy.



    SABRINA






    Saffron City. City of majesty. City of valor. City of innovation.

    “City of assholes…” the young psychic muttered under her breath. She was atop the Silph Company building in Saffron, observing the city—her city—as twilight wrapped the buildings and streets in its delicate arms. As much as she adored the city and held it as her own, she couldn’t hide the truth from herself: the city was debased. Corrupted beyond recognition of the shining metropolis it once was. Every day, the newspaper headlines radiated with stories of murders, drug busts, kidnappings. Typical of any big city, but this was her city, her baby, her love. The city she loved, that once brought forth endless technology, culture, and art, was now a heaping mess of shady men, backstabbing women, and delinquent children.

    She sighed. The city no longer held any love for her, either. The people that would once gaze upon her with awe, that would shower her with praise and adoration, now would not even grace her with a wayward glance. She was just a small quirk to the city now, something to brag about to one’s friends but not truly hold dear to one’s heart; she was a tourist attraction.

    And oh how those tourists loved her, loved her as much as any spectacle they might chance upon in their travels. But soon, they would forget about little old Sabrina. She would lie dormant in their minds, not even as a seed to flourish and bring wonder back to family and friends. No, she would be the stuff of minute party conversations, something of an icebreaker so that they could eventually move on to matters no doubt far more important.

    Not that she cared about the finite musings and doings of simple travelers, visitors to her city. No, it was not their crude thoughts and greedy desires that brought her down. It was the cold gazes from the eyes of her own brothers and sisters, friends and neighbors, that sliced into her soul and left her gasping for breath.

    She knew, in her own mind, that that was selfish. In truth, she would settle for them to correct their paths and stop diluting the wonder of their home with their grimy dealings. She would gladly be forgotten, if only they would remember the city.

    A shimmer in the fabric of the world brought her out of her thoughts and back to the present. She knew who it would be before the words had even left his lips.

    “Ah, Sabrina, how wonderful to see you here!” The one who still loved her. The one who still wanted her. The one who she would not herself give a wayward glance.

    “I believe you are trespassing, Butler.”

    He moved up to the railing and leaned against it, mirroring her position. He was gaudy in his dress. Even just through her peripheral vision, the bright white fabric of his suit cut through her eyes in the near-night darkness. And that hair. Her lip curled in disgust; she had never understood, nor been one for, flashy hairstyles. The one she had now was the most radical she had ever had, and it wasn’t even very far-out at that. It flowed back behind her head and swooped up slightly. In contrast, his spiraled straight back from his head. Not to mention that it was purple, and artificially.

    “Oh? Then aren’t you as well?”

    “No,” she said, “Silph is one of the few remaining institutions that actually value my presence in the city.” In the silence between their words, she could hear the faint breathing of an Alakazam well behind her; Butler’s preferred mode of transportation, or teleportation, as it were.

    Butler turned so that he was facing the opposite direction as Sabrina, his elbows resting on the railing. “And there you go with the “woe is me, give me back my city” business again. I don’t see why you insist on-“

    “I refuse to degrade myself by joining your little circus, Butler, so you may as well leave now.”

    “But why?” he asked. “Why do you continue to live in this rat-infested hellhole? Life with me and my companions might not be, ah, glamorous, but it is a far sight better than-this!” He gestured at the softly glowing buildings with a wide sweep of his arm. He was grinning, a grin that spoke of undeserved pride, confidence, and outright cockiness. He thought he was the world, and the world let him believe so.

    Sabrina could attest to that. Whenever Butler was near, you were sure to hear of it. Gossip, news, whatever. It permeated the common conversations and dominated the newspapers. She wasn’t entirely sure why, though. She supposed that the simplest—and, quite frankly, most disheartening—explanation was that people were simply willing to pay to see a cheap bit of entertainment. Butler was a so-called “magician,” “wonder-man,” and “miracle-worker,” but like most skills of the day, it was all about deception and sleight-of-hand. No one cared to see true paranormal ability, because it couldn’t turn an elephant into a pocket watch.

    “I’m not coming with you. I can’t leave my city. Not like this.”

    “Well then, I suppose I’ll just have to persuade you otherwi—” She left the railing and headed for the elevator, flipping the magician over the railing with a mental push. His Alakazam leapt immediately after him, so he wasn’t in any real danger. She didn’t have the patience to deal with him anymore. There was no doubt in her mind that he would not cease in his efforts to recruit her into his posse of clowns, dancers, and fortunetellers.

    He loved her. He wanted her. But for his own selfish purposes.

    Perhaps the city wasn’t the problem after all. Maybe it was just her.

  10. #35
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    Wow, I feel bad for Sabrina. That felt more realistic to me. See, I always saw Lt. Surge as a bad guy, so I thought his was strange. I never would have seen Erika as a lesbian, so that was different. This felt a lot more in character to me. Good work. I can't wait to see Koga. Or will you being Janine?
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    Oh wow, this stuff's beautiful! Just amazing, it is.

  12. #37
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    Wow that really awesome a vey good seris ok so
    Brock= loves beer
    Misty= Dreamer
    Lt Surge= Army vetran
    erika= lez
    Sabrina= emo/woe is me

    then
    Koga/Janine= Ninja trainer
    Blaine= Gameshow host ridells
    Blue= rich brat
    Giovanni= Mental pactint

    Johto
    Falkner= I can fly guy
    Bugsy= Tranz
    Whitney= Strong Girl contest winner
    Morty= Goth
    Chuck= Bodybuilder
    Jasmine= Cyrstal miner
    Pryce= Bobsleder
    Clair= Prosty

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    A bit short, but still well-written. Sabrina being an "emo" really fits her personality. Also, I never thought of Saffron City being a "rat-infested ****hole"; that part was pretty surprising.

    Quote Originally Posted by disclaimer065 View Post
    She sighed. The city no longer held any love for her, either. The people that would once gaze upon her with awe, that would shower her with praise and adoration, now would not even grace her with a wayward glance. She was just a small quirk to the city now, something to brag about to one’s friends but not truly hold dear to one’s heart; she was a tourist attraction.
    Awwwww....... I feel so, so bad for Sabrina. The anime kind of made her a villain, but she isn't. She's just a depressed, lonely character who no one loves anymore.

    Quote Originally Posted by disclaimer065 View Post
    She left the railing and headed for the elevator, flipping the magician over the railing with a mental push. His Alakazam leapt immediately after him, so he wasn’t in any real danger.
    *Imagines a purple-haired guy suddenly flipping over a railing for no reason* That part actually made me laugh a little; good thing Alakazam was there to protect him.


    Overall, good story. It wasn't as good as Surge's or Erika's due to the length, but oh well. Janine is next, right? Or will it be Koga?
    I derp.

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  14. #39
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    A bit short, but still well-written. Sabrina being an "emo" really fits her personality. Also, I never thought of Saffron City being a "rat-infested ****hole"; that part was pretty surprising.
    Eh, well, I wasn't really going for "emo," but I guess that works as well as anything. I mean, she's more concerned about the city than herself.

    I have Saffron by Skarrmory to thank for my "****-hole" view of Saffron City (this is one of those parts where headcanon comes into play). If you don't mind some very disturbing parts, it's well worth a read. You can find it on FF.net.

    *Imagines a purple-haired guy suddenly flipping over a railing for no reason* That part actually made me laugh a little; good thing Alakazam was there to protect him.
    Yeah, I was originally going to have him come out of an elevator with the same events, but then I realized Sabrina would be a murderer, so I had to change that.

    Overall, good story. It wasn't as good as Surge's or Erika's due to the length, but oh well. Janine is next, right? Or will it be Koga?
    It'll be Janine, along with a certain person from Johto (he'll still have his own oneshot, though). I might do a series on the Elite Four once I'm done with all of these, so Koga will be in there if I do.


    Thanks for your time!

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    She was just a small quirk to the city now, something to brag about to one’s friends but not truly hold dear to one’s heart; she was a tourist attraction.
    I really like her take on the gym leader status as nothing but part of the city's bragging rights. I find this perspective really interesting, and the moment I read it I'm sure this was gonna be an interesting one-shot.


    “And there you go with the woe is me, give me back my city business again. I don’t see why you insist on-“
    Only a little qualm, but if you wanna use quotation marks within a sentence that already has quotation marks (ie. dialogue), I believe the convention is to use different markings so as not to confuse the reader. Usually the single quotation mark is used (' '), but again, that's only a small qualm.


    I like it. Simple, half-reflective and half-romance, though I personally like the first half more than the second half. I assume the Butler in the story is based on the Butler in Jirachi: Wish Maker? Either way, though, his inclusion was okay, bringing out a lot of Sabrina's emotions, which is saying something considering she is depicted as emotionless.

    Like I said above, though, I really like Sabrina's reflections on what the "Gym Leader" status really entails. I found it really interesting, and maybe I'm being biased by saying that I wanted more out of that aspect. Yeah, definitely biased. XD

    My only other complaint would be why you skipped Janine. Keep up the good work!
    Last edited by Dramatic Melody; 30th May 2011 at 2:53 AM.


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    Quote Originally Posted by disclaimer065 View Post
    It'll be Janine, along with a certain person from Johto (he'll still have his own oneshot, though). I might do a series on the Elite Four once I'm done with all of these, so Koga will be in there if I do.
    IT'S FALKNER!!!!

    (Right? )

    .........

    I know you probably don't want to give away spoilers, but if Falkner's included, then... YAY. Because it would be kind of nice to see gym leaders interacting with each other.

    Btw Falkner does seem to know Janine in HeartGold; you can find Falkner on the 4th floor of the Celadon Department store with Janine, arguing with her on whose dad is better. :x And we don't even know who Falkner's dad is.

    But then again I don't want to guess what Janine's oneshot will be like, because I'll probably be wrong. Anyways, I'm really looking forward to Janine's one-shot.
    I derp.

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    But Falk is kinda weird of course it will be him but i was thinking mabye mabye Whitney couyld hang and do girly bleep or mabye somone like Morty

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    AND I'M BACK! NANANANANANANA~


    Sorry for the long-ish wait, people, I've been spending most of my time lying on the floor of my basement with about five fans on me, praying for death to come (I don't have air conditioning). But, without further adieu, I present: Janine.



    JANINE






    She sniffed the air. The crisp, fresh, morning air. If today were a normal day, she would just be doing plain old training; mostly gymnastics and the like, with a bit of battling mixed in. But today was special. The first day of spring, and a much-welcome warm one at that. Instead of her normal ninja-esque attire, she was wearing plain sweats, a hoodie, and sneakers, with her hair up tightly in a bun. She even had a map made up in her head. Everything was in place, except…

    A tiny ding came from the elevator, and she twisted around to see the doors gently slide open. A tall figure stepped out. With a delighted gasp, she rushed over and flung herself on him.

    “You came!” she wailed, clinging to him like a little girl. He returned the embrace briefly before she pulled away. “I was starting to think you weren’t going to.”

    “I almost didn’t,” he replied. “I had a late night and forgot to set my alarm.”

    “Oh well. You’re here, and that’s what counts.” She gave him a quick look over. “You aren’t really dressed properly.” He was wearing his usual clothing: a jacket, a tunic, and some odd style of pants only someone from Johto would ever dream of wearing.

    He shrugged. “Like I said, I was running late. I brought some stuff to change into with me.” He held up a bag, presumably filled with clothes, to emphasize his point.

    She stared at him in disbelief. “And you’re going to change… where?”

    “Right here.”

    “Excuse me? In public? In front of me?” she accused.

    “There’s no one else here, and you can look away.”

    “Oh, Falkner…” she murmured as she turned around. She heard a bag being unzipped, the contents being dumped out, and clothes being ruffled through. In a few minutes, she once again heard the zipper being worked.

    “Janine?”

    She turned back around to look at him. Now, he was dressed much better. A pair of sweatpants, a long sleeved t-shirt; simple, but perfect for their purpose.

    “How do I look?” he said, brushing his cool blue hair out of his eyes.

    “You look fine, I guess,” she conceded.

    Falkner nodded and walked over next to her, beside the railing. “So, what about Koga? Is he coming?”

    “No. Daddy has something going on at the League. I guess this is the busy time for League challenges, or something like that.”

    “That’s a shame. I was looking forward to showing your old man some of my moves.”

    “Ha!” Janine laughed. “As if! You probably learned all of your techniques from your dad. And your dad has nothing on daddy.”

    “Maybe so, but not when it comes to Pokémon battles. I bet my dad could—”

    “Oh, whatever!” she cut him off. “Let’s just get on with this. I’m really excited.”

    Falkner leaned over the rail slightly. He took in the sight of the busy street below. Mornings always came early in Goldenrod, so the streets were always filled to the brim with cars and pedestrians, right from the crack of dawn. It was quite a drop…

    “Umm, Janine? I’m not so sure of this anymore,” he muttered.

    “Oh wah. You said you do this all the time.”

    “Yeah, in Violet,” he countered. “The tallest thing there is Sprout Tower, and it’s a dwarf compared to most of these buildings.”

    “Whatever. This is the closest thing you’ll ever get to flying, so you should be happy,” she said. Falkner took one last look down, swallowed, and turned to face her.

    “Yeah… okay, I guess I can try it. Where are we headed?”

    Janine stretched her finger out into the distance. “There,” she said, and Falkner traced the path from her finger. Out in the distance, stretching higher than any other building, was the sheer black, glimmering spire of the Radio Tower, capped with an observatory dome.

    “That’s… pretty far.”

    “That’s the idea. Just try to follow me, and you’ll be fine.” She backed up, crouched down in a sprinter’s stance, and tore off, diving over the rail.

    “Wait! What are you…” his voice trailed off as she fell and the air whipped into her ears, drowning out even her own thoughts with its incessant roaring. Her first target approached, and she stretched out her hand, grabbing hold of a vacant flagpole. The force of her fall sent her spinning around the pole. If she had been any less conditioned, she would have been thrown off, but as it was, she held on tightly, her palms slipping around the slick metal. She saw a falling shadow—Falkner—on one of her revolutions, so she let go.

    She was flying through the air, the force of the momentum and angle of departure sending all the way across the street. The buildings on that side weren’t quite as tall as the Department Store she just left, so she was easily able to clear the first. She landed on the roof of the next one over—the office of some banking company, if she remembered correctly—and rolled, deflecting the impact. She was back on her feet from the roll, and she sprinted across the roof, leaping right before the edge. As her feet left, she heard a light thud telling her that Falkner was not far behind.

    Good, she thought. Maybe he is cut out for this after all.

    She was in the air again, this time headed for a building roughly the same size as the one she just left. The gap was rather small, more of an alley than a street, so she easily bridged it and continued on. She looped around the edge of the roof in order to keep her momentum, and left the roof to the right of where she had landed.

    This continued for several minutes. She made many large leaps, several small leaps, and even jumped through an open window to get through one building. Each leap and haul brought her one step closer to her goal.

    She did this a couple days every year, and each time had the time of her life, but she always made sure to do it on the vernal equinox: the start of spring.

    To her, spring was many things. Not only was it her favorite season—not too hot, not too cold—it also represented several things to her. It was a symbol of life; she was born in the spring. It was a time of change; she had first become fond of Poison-types during the spring, when Grimer were most active. But most importantly, it was a mark of growing up; she got the job of Fuchsia City Gym Leader two years ago in the spring, when Koga was invited to join the Elite Four.

    Now she was close to the Radio Tower. The glimmering black building was just a few blocks away. She was on the edge of a building, the busy street below her. The only buildings close enough for her to leap to were back the way she came. That left only one option. She gazed down, examining the side of the building. There were a few windowsills that stuck out pretty far. Behind her, she heard sharp thuds that told her Falkner was close to catching up. She was out of options, and out of time.

    She swung herself over the ledge and let herself drop. The first fall was brief; she caught herself on the sill with the tips of her toes and nearly flipped over backwards in the process. Her heart pounded in the erratic beat of a masochist’s tango, threatening to burst from her chest in a crimson fountain. She steadied herself; another mistake like that could be deadly. Another glance below told her that the next drop was much further down; however, it would take her nearly to the street. With a deep breath, she crouched down, curled her fingertips against the windowsill, let her feet fall below, and…

    She let go. The wind whipped past her ears and blasted in her face. Her eyes stung, as if she had taken a Poison Sting right to the face. It only lasted a few more seconds before she hit the next sill, though this one was more of a balcony than anything. Every bone in her body struck its neighbor as her limbs tensed and she collapsed to the ground.

    “Ow…” she muttered, picking herself up again. If she hadn’t done something similar before, she likely would have broken a bone. As it was, though, she was used to it, at least enough to shake it off with minimal effort.

    Now she was a mere fifteen or twenty feet in the air. Simple. She climbed on to the balcony railing and jumped. A moment later, she was on the ground, tucking and rolling. She sprung back to her feet and raced across the street, skillfully clearing a car and vaulting over a parked semi-truck.

    A couple of bystanders nearly jumped out of the way as she tore through them. She jumped towards a wall, planted her foot, and launched herself into a backflip, where she landed on a streetlight. Another small leap and she was on top of a short building. She raced across the rooftop and leapt toward a taller building. She grabbed on to the ledge with both hands and quickly hauled herself up.

    The Radio Tower was now just a few buildings away. She had to climb the one closest to her to get to the top, it was so tall. She carefully, meticulously, pulled herself up inch by inch with measured steps. There were only so many places to grab on to; a windowsill, a flagpole, an aesthetic ledge, a chip in the wall. Many times, she nearly slipped; she feared to know how Falkner would fare.

    But then, finally, she was at the top, and the Radio Tower jutted into the sky right in front of her. With a proud smile, she rand and jumped onto it, using some convenient handholds to pull herself up. It felt like cheating, but hey, she deserved it.

    After a minute or two, she was finally at a point that the pseudo-ladder ended. She now had to face the slick, black, metallic tower all on her own. She dug her sneakers in and slowly inched up. It was monotonous and tiring, but it was all she could do. She kept her breathing steady, and willed herself to not look down. She was by no means afraid of heights, but being in danger tended to circumvent that.

    But now, she was almost at the top. The glass dome above formed something of a transparent ceiling. She would have to launch herself away from the tower to grab on. Her breathing became rapid, her heart pounded in her chest with the force of a hundred Mach Punches. She screwed her eyes shut, pushed herself away, and…

    She screamed, her voice tearing from her throat like a bandage from a dried wound. But… she felt something under her hands. Slowly, unwillingly, she slid her eyes open and lifted her head. She made it. She was holding on to the down. She laughed, more out of relief than anything else. Shudders wracked her body as she pulled herself up and flipped over onto her back. She stared into the sky, smiling stupidly.

    When she had finally pulled herself together, she crawled to the very top of the dome and looked out over the city below.

    If it had been crowded earlier, it was now packed. All of the ant-people moshed together on thin sidewalks as cars inched forward, blaring their horns at each other. From up here, the entire city seemed… insignificant. She was the most important thing in existence at that very moment, because she was at the top of the world.

    Quick gasps brought her out of her brief daze. Just a couple feet to her right, Falkner was hauling himself up. Janine crawled over and helped drag him up. He collapsed on the dome, breathing heavily.

    “How… how do you DO that?” he demanded.

    She giggled. “Years of practice, that’s all.”

    “Yeah, no… no kidding. It’s NOTHING like this in Violet City,” he breathed.

    “Same for Fuchsia. That’s why I come here.”

    “Yeah, I would imagine.”

    She pulled her knees up under her chin and continued gazing out over the rooftops. The sun was rising rather high in the sky now, and the temperature was getting warmer.

    “Say, Falkner?”

    “Hmm?” he asked from the other side of the dome. They sat back to back at the top, surveying opposite sides of the city.

    “Thanks for doing this with me.”

    “To be honest, I was surprised you asked. Don’t you usually only do this with Koga?”

    Janine sighed, sinking her chin lower. “Yeah, that’s the way it’s always been. But, for the past couple years, he’s come up with reasons to blow me off. Ever since he got the job at the League, he hasn’t been the same person.”

    “I see.”

    “P-plus if he had shown up, I wanted you to see exactly how great he is. Much better than your dad,” she amended, covering up her moment of weakness.

    “Haha, okay,” he allowed. “Um, Janine?” he asked.

    “Yes?”

    “How are we supposed to get back down?”

    “That’s up to you. But personally…” She stood up, almost causing him to fall over. He twisted around—painfully—to watch as she took two steps back, crouched down, and flew into the air, doing a backflip as she fell out of sight.

    “JANINE?!” he exclaimed, scrambling to his feet. He swiftly moved over to the ledge and looked over, scouring the air below for any sign of her.

    A high-pitched cackle boomed from above and he glanced up to see her straddling her Crobat. She gave him a small hand wave and a wink, then flew away to the east, back toward Kanto.
    Last edited by disclaimer065; 24th June 2011 at 7:37 AM.

  19. #44
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    A new chapter... finally! I really don't mind the wait - summer without air conditioning can be VERY brutal. >:-( I always have air conditioning here in California, but not in China (unfortunately, I'm going there for three weeks in August). It's review time!

    - Well, this is your best one-shot yet. You really used lots of figurative language when you described Janine's ninja maneuvers. Keep up the good work!

    - Poor Janine... Koga isn't giving much attention to her. Well, at least she has Falkner now.

    - Adding Falkner was sort of predictable, but interesting. It's nice to know a bit more about him and Janine's relationship, though I'm *cough* more than a bit jealous. *cough* D-:< You see, I have a *cough* HUGE *cough* fangirl crush on him, haha *cough*

    - *stops coughing* Oh well. At least Falkner can keep up with Janine... a little. Janine's ninja skills are so, so epic!!!! If she and Jackie Chan had a ninja contest, Janine would win for sure.

    - I noticed ONE spelling mistake, but I can't find it right now. >(

    Keep up the good work, and happy writing! Unfortunately, I'll be on a five-week-or-so hiatus from Serebii starting Sunday, due to summer camp and China. But when I get back, I promise I'll review some more. Bye!
    Last edited by American--Pi; 25th June 2011 at 2:22 AM.
    I derp.

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  20. #45
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    Hi your best one shot so pretty much what Articono said

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  21. #46
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    Quote Originally Posted by Articuno_rocks
    - Well, this is your best one-shot yet. You really used lots of figurative language when you described Janine's ninja maneuvers. Keep up the good work!
    I did? I felt like it was repetitive. Oh well, that means I'm doing something right.

    - Poor Janine... Koga isn't giving much attention to her. Well, at least she has Falkner now.
    Yeah, I always felt like she was trying to impress her father, but there was never really any reason given for it.

    - Adding Falkner was sort of predictable, but interesting. It's nice to know a bit more about him and Janine's relationship, though I'm *cough* more than a bit jealous. *cough* D-:< You see, I have a *cough* HUGE *cough* fangirl crush on him, haha *cough*
    Yeah, Falkner/Janine is one of my favorite ships, just because they work so well together. Not to mention, they BOTH have daddy issues.

    - *stops coughing* Oh well. At least Falkner can keep up with Janine... a little. Janine's ninja skills are so, so epic!!!! If she and Jackie Chan had a ninja contest, Janine would win for sure.
    Well, I don't know about that. Jackie is a professional...

    Keep up the good work, and happy writing! Unfortunately, I'll be on a five-week-or-so hiatus from Serebii starting Sunday, due to summer camp and China. But when I get back, I promise I'll review some more. Bye!
    Well, hopefully I'll have more done by then.

  22. #47
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    and each time had the time of her life,
    I think you should reword this. Maybe insert a "she" in there somewhere.


    The glass dome above formed something of a transparent ceiling. She would have to launch herself away from the tower to grab on.
    I would've liked more description of this. I would feel that it would be hard to picture it without playing HG/SS [since I feel this refers to the room where you battle Archer?] so I think this would work better with a bit more description.


    I think the best part about this is your take on Janine's relationship with Falkner and Koga. I like how it contrasts, with her being extremely comfortable with a friend but always on-her-edge and half-guessing with her father.

    But I'm not saying that their display of their SUPAH UBER COOL NINJA POWAHZ wasn't any good. In fact, it shows you improving greatly with your description, so good job. =)


    Blaine's next, I presume? Something tells me this'll be an emotional one...


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  23. #48
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    I did? I felt like it was repetitive. Oh well, that means I'm doing something right.
    I thought it was fine too - at times it was almost repetitive, say with 'leap' used a fair bit here:
    She made many large leaps, several small leaps, and even jumped through an open window to get through one building. Each leap and haul brought her one step closer to her goal.
    or with starting sentences with 'She ...' too often:
    She screamed, her voice tearing from her throat like a bandage from a dried wound. But… she felt something under her hands. Slowly, unwillingly, she slid her eyes open and lifted her head. She made it. She was holding on to the down. She laughed, more out of relief than anything else. Shudders wracked her body as she pulled herself up and flipped over onto her back. She stared into the sky, smiling stupidly.
    But that's mostly nitpicking. Probably the part of the whole freerunning scene (I believe that is a term for it anyways?) was the scream bit as it just seemed a bit odd as it was so quickly shown to us she was fine so the tension was sorta killed too quickly there (imo anyways) and awkwardly by the ellipse there which felt a bit unnecessary there to me.

    But yes, I'll agree that this was the best one thus far - thoroughly enjoyed it - the main part was certainly exciting and quite fun to read, and I liked the conversation had after all that running as well between her and Falkner - the emotion was done nicely there and the conversation felt...well, rather realistic I guess one could put it.

    A couple of other things:
    She sniffed the air. The crisp, fresh, morning air.
    I personally feel it would b fine to write this as one sentence (She sniffed the crisp, fresh, morning air.) but that's up to you I suppose.
    Now, he was dressed much better.
    Also don't feel that the comma there is really needed.
    “Oh wah. You said you do this all the time.”
    Oh wah sounded a bit odd to me initially but I kinda like her saying something like that in response. XD
    “How… how do you DO that?” he demanded.

    She giggled. “Years of practice, that’s all.”
    I initially half-expected her to state that being a ninja was why she could do that. XD

    All in all this was quite good and you're definately improving with each one overall - looking forward to the next one!

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  24. #49
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    FINALLY. After months of no progress due to lack of motivation, lack of inspiration, writer's block, and laziness--lots and lots of laziness--Blaine is finally finished. The ending didn't come out nearly how I wanted, so there may or may not be changes to that. Anyway, enjoy.






    BLAINE






    The sun had just begun to rise, and bathed the island in golden rays. From this distance, it looked like a crown upon the sea, only marred by the charred column of cooled lava and ash at the center.

    “Daybreak,” said the captain. “Shall we?”

    Blaine nodded, and the modest vessel roared to life. They glided over the waves as they approached the island. Every second, it grew in size, until it was a monolith in their path; awe-inspiring, but solemn in its own way.

    A rusty hook is where you begin,
    To find the source and end of sin.


    Blaine scanned the shallow waters, looking for a particular shape. It was difficult to tell one thing from another. The shadows resulting from the low sun were confusing; a Tentacruel could easily be seaweed. But he had a feeling, an itch at the back of his mind, that this was the place.

    “Over there!” he shouted over the roar of the motor. The captain evidently heard him, since the boat’s direction was adjusted and they blitzed through the water toward a small outcropping of the island. Blaine held up his arm, waiting for just the right moment. When they were no more than fifty feet away from the island, he brought his arm down sharply. The boat coughed and cried out as it was thrown into reverse. With the help of the reversing rotors, the vessel stumbled and sputtered to a stop. The engines were killed.

    “The spotlight,” Blaine said, gazing over the side into the dark abyss.

    “What?”

    “The spotlight!”

    “Just humor him,” said an elderly figure hunched over on a bench, leaning on a cane.

    “If you say so, Mr. Fuji.” The spotlight was swung over the edge of the boat and brought to full power. The depths were brought into view, coated in glassy light. Blaine scanned the seafloor, searching for one thing in particular... Yes! A coral reef.

    “This is it,” he said. “Let’s drop anchor over there.” He pointed a thin finger at a tiny peninsula. The spotlight was replaced and they headed off to the thin strip of land.

    The boat drifted within a few feet of the land without making contact when the captain stopped the boat and dropped the anchor. The anchor’s rope went slack after dropping only a few feet.

    “I’ll wait here,” the captain said. Blaine nodded and stepped over the slim strip of water separating the boat from the island. Mr. Fuji came next, guided by Blaine’s hand.

    “If you don’t mind,” said Mr. Fuji, “I’d rather stay around here. My knees have been weaker as of late.”

    “Of course,” Blaine said, shaking the old man’s hand. “Send someone after me if you find anything.” With those words spoken, Blaine walked in the opposite direction, taking him further into the island, closer to the towering mountain of charred stone and hardened ash.

    Vacant land and vacant sky
    A place where the lost have come to die.


    Blaine glanced up into clouds, only to find that the sky was completely devoid of any. Surprised, he slipped his sunglasses down his nose to see better. Sure enough, not even a thin wisp of cirrus cloud inhabited the great blue expanse. Puzzled, Blaine replaced the lenses and looked around. He had gone far enough into the island that he was surrounded by nothing but coal-black rock with veins of orange, Martian soil winding through it. There were of course ridges of cooled volcanic rock a ways off, but his immediate surroundings were bare. That couldn’t be right…

    Glancing around, he spotted the familiar red roof of a Pokémon Center just over one of the ridges. In moments he was cresting the incline and the Center was brought into full view. This particular Center had been built after the eruption, and was more of a monument to the past than for actual use. It was well understaffed, and was barely maintained; it felt more like a mausoleum than a hospital.

    A place where the lost have come to die. He was struck suddenly by the morbid nature of his childhood musings, as well as awe at the accuracy of the statement. He had never paid much attention to the build site of the Center, but now with the sea frothing directly to the south, not a hundred feet away, he was forced to reexamine one particular riddle. Vacant land and vacant sky. Vacant land…

    “Mr. Fuji!” Blaine cried, and dashed off in the direction of the boat.

    <><><>

    “Right there,” he commanded, pointing at a spot on the ground he had purposefully scuffed with his foot to identify it. Mr. Fuji nodded and released a Pokémon from the only ball he carried with him. The creature that appeared was saurian in shape, with a skull upon its head like a helm. In its hand, it carried a long thigh bone.

    “Dig,” Mr. Fuji said simply, indicating the scuffed soil. The creature nodded, crying out in affirmation, and began tearing at the ground.

    Blaine assisted with a shovel, but it was grueling work; it was thanks only to the shade provided by the Pokémon Center that his sweat was mild. Even with the professional assistance of the Cubone, it took several hours before any major progress was made.

    The hole was finally around ten feet deep and several feet in width. Given the four feet rise in altitude from the eruption, they should be at about the right depth by now…

    Suddenly, his shovel struck something. It sounded hollow, like striking a wall between two studs. His heart beating ever faster, he threw the shovel up out of the hole and got down on his knees to clear the rest with his hands. As the dirt finally cleared, his hands slid across a wooden slab. It was a small coffin, formed of elegant ebony wood and engraved with several golden patterns. His heart beat faster and faster as he pried the box from the soil. The coffin removed, he tucked it under his arm and dug his feet and free hand into the dirt wall and hauled himself up, over the lip and out onto actual land.

    Gingerly, he set the box upon the ground. His throat tightened as he pulled loose the few clasps that held the box shut. He didn’t really want to, but he felt that he had to, to be sure.

    With a heavy heart, he flipped over the lid. Staring back at him was the skeleton of a puppy.

    More specifically, it was the Growlithe he had owned as a child. It was his best friend, and he shared so many memories with him—happy, sad, angry, the works. Seeing the decayed and broken corpse of his long-lost friend drove a hot knife into Blaine’s heart. A teat slid down his normally composed face behind his sunglasses. Shaking, he replaced the lid and lifted the coffin. He slowly dragged his feet in the direction of the boat.

    He was ready to move on from Cinnabar, but he was not ready to forsake his past.

    Sunken beneath this earthen plain
    Lies a seed which awaits the rain.


    Before he reached the ridge separating him from the boat, he heard Cubone making a ruckus. He tried to block out the sound, but finally an exclamation from Mr. Fuji himself made him turn around.

    “Blaine! Come back!” Grimacing from emotional pain, he set down the coffin and dragged himself back to where Mr. Fuji and the Cubone were standing, near the hole. “Look down there.” Slowly, Blaine drifted his eyes back down to stare into the hole. Staring back at him was a red and orange striped and spotted egg.
    Last edited by disclaimer065; 5th November 2011 at 5:55 PM.

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    Thank you, just thank you for deciding not to discontinue this project. I really like your writing style, and I'm glad that you've finally had the time to post another story. But really, don't feel too guilty if you have to go on hiatus sometimes. We writers do that a lot for understandable reasons, so don't worry.

    All right. It's review time!

    Generally speaking, wow. Just wow. This was definitely THE best one-shot in the series, and IMO it was worth the wait. The story was really well-written, and I just had to keep reading as the events unfolded. And the ending... *sobs* So... beautiful! :'-)

    If I were you, I would definitely keep the ending. It really conveys the beautiful theme of this story: When the winds of fate blow one door shut, they blow another door open.

    Now, on to the specifics...

    Quote Originally Posted by disclaimer065 View Post
    A rusty hook is where you begin,
    To find the source and end of sin.


    Vacant land and vacant sky
    A place where the lost have come to die.


    Sunken beneath this earthen plain
    Lies a seed which awaits the rain.
    I really liked your use of the prophecy. The mysterious lines of verse really made me curious about what would happen later on.

    Quote Originally Posted by disclaimer065 View Post
    Glancing around, he spotted the familiar red roof of a Pokémon Center just over one of the ridges. In moments he was cresting the incline and the Center was brought into full view. This particular Center had been built after the eruption, and was more of a monument to the past than for actual use. It was well understaffed, and was barely maintained; it felt more like a mausoleum than a hospital.
    The way you described the Pokemon Center made me really feel Blaine's nostalgia; great job.

    Quote Originally Posted by disclaimer065 View Post
    Suddenly, his shovel struck something. It sounded hollow, like striking a wall between two studs. His heart beating ever faster, he threw the shovel up out of the hole and got down on his knees to clear the rest with his hands. As the dirt finally cleared, his hands slid across a wooden slab. It was a small coffin, formed of elegant ebony wood and engraved with several golden patterns.
    Really awesome job at creating suspense, making readers like me itching to find out more.

    Quote Originally Posted by disclaimer065 View Post
    Gingerly, he set the box upon the ground. His throat tightened as he pulled loose the few clasps that held the box shut. He didn’t really want to, but he felt that he had to, to be sure.

    With a heavy heart, he flipped over the lid. Staring back at him was the skeleton of a puppy.

    More specifically, it was the Growlithe he had owned as a child. It was his best friend, and he shared so many memories with him—happy, sad, angry, the works. Seeing the decayed and broken corpse of his long-lost friend drove a hot knife into Blaine’s heart. A tear slid down his normally composed face behind his sunglasses. Shaking, he replaced the lid and lifted the coffin. Slowly, he dragged his feet in the direction of the boat.
    That... was so beautiful and emotional! It did a wonderful job at conveying poor old Blaine's mixed emotions. The sadness of it all was a great element of the story, and it almost made me cry.

    Quote Originally Posted by disclaimer065 View Post
    He was ready to move on from Cinnabar, but he was not ready to forsake his past.
    This sentence really made me feel sympathy for the poor guy. Alas, some things haunt our lives forever...

    Quote Originally Posted by disclaimer065 View Post
    “Blaine! Come back!” Grimacing from emotional pain, he set down the coffin and dragged himself back to where Mr. Fuji and the Cubone were standing, near the hole. “Look down there.” Slowly, Blaine drifted his eyes back down to stare into the hole. Staring back at him was a red and orange striped and spotted egg.
    Beautiful ending. Just... wonderful. It was very heartwarming and it conveyed the theme of this story very well. Please don't change the ending, because in my opinion this one is perfect.

    Once again, I'll say that I LOVED this one-shot. Hmm... Blue's next. This will be interesting, considering how he used to be the Champion.
    I derp.

    "Don't take chances! Don't make mistakes! But get Messi, definitely get Messi!" - If Joachim Loew quoted Ms. Frizzle

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