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Thread: Ambertwo (pg-13)

  1. #1
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    Red face Ambertwo (pg-13)

    Hello! This is my first fanfiction ever so please critique super hard, ok? I had a really hard time with the voice of the characters so give me information on that. Oh, and if you plan to continue reading the series (a chapter will come out approximately once per week) I suggest watching the eight minute clip about Mewtwo’s Origin. You can find it easily on Youtube.

    Please leave comments/critiques.
    __________________________________________________ ___________________________
    Prologue

    The sky was dark. But it wasn’t the scary kind of dark. There was no moon but the stars were speckled across the sky with an odd sort of ancient benevolence. Knowledge of the past mere mortals would never know. Not that it mattered to Mew. He just thought they were super pretty. So shiny…

    Mew began to twirl about, whipping his long tail as he celebrated the cool evening. He preoccupied himself like this until he noticed something even brighter than the stars. They twinkled and blinked and made Mew happy. They were very, very far away, sitting on the ocean but looking like they were in the sky.

    Mew floated lightly off towards the small island. A draft picked up and Mew squealed in delight and it carried him up higher. He began dancing in spinning in the air, and before long, arrived at the twinkling pretty place.

    Mew soared across the island and decided to investigate one of those pretty lights. He dove down to a small house. It had a bunch of flowers to the side of it. Mew floated towards them then cautiously sniffed each one before leaping into them, sending petals everywhere and uprooting a few as well.

    Then he was at the pretty light. He cautiously went up to it and peered through it.

    There were things inside. He was pretty sure they were called persons. He had seen persons before. He generally thought of them as rather boring. They made a bunch of complicated sounds and wore pelts on their bodies and had weird, giant nests.

    He flew up into the air again. He went up really, really high and looked around. He then realized the pretty lights all belonged to the giant nests.

    Then he saw the HUMONGOUS nest.

    It was huge!

    He quickly flew off towards it.

    Oooh. It was SO pretty!

    The door was wide open so Mew just flew in. Everywhere there were tapestries and large, ornate chandeliers.

    The floor was bright and spotless. It was so bright Mew could see his reflection. It actually looked still wet. It would be really fun to…

    Mew dropped immediately to the floor and began sliding across the floor in a fit of squeals. He first started out on his bottom, then fell to his back and somehow ended up on his head. Then fell down the stairs.

    Thump thump thump thump THUD.

    Mew floated up a little disoriented and began to look around.

    Wood paneling ran across the floor. There were many open rooms and large cabinets were everywhere. There was a slight feeling of neglect in this part of the mansion. Dust coated all surfaces and the many potted plants seemed to be slightly wilting. Mew decided not to touch anything ‘cause dust is really just dead skin.

    Ew.

    Mew quickly grew bored wandering on this floor and was about to leave when he sensed someone.

    A person.

    Mew decided to try to sense all the persons in the house.

    Mew then realized there was only one in this WHOLE ENTIRE place.

    Mew wanted to find this person ‘cause he thought he might be lonely and needed a friend since he was in this big nest by himself.

    He kept flying until he reached a really big wall.

    How was he supposed to keep going?

    That was when he noticed the gap in the corner of the two walls. It was a small gap. But Mew was pretty small too. He slipped through the gap to find a small makeshift laboratory. It was rather dark and there were glass pillars filled with orange liquid. Small bubbles floated inside of them. Wires were connected at the top of the pillars and connected them all together to make a big wire forest. Mew went farther into the lab to find the person.

    He was thin and had a long bunch of hair arching over his face. He had a big nose. Mew giggled. It reminded him of Fearow’s beak. The man did not look up. He didn’t even hear Mew.

    “Just a little more.” He murmured as he took a dropper and squeezed it over a small dish.

    “There!” He quietly exclaimed. He looked at the little dish and smiled before placing it gently onto the table. He turned his swivel chair to face a very large and very complicated box adorned with many large and flashing buttons. As he pressed many of them in a very precise order Mew flew over to the table to look at the little liquid-filled dish. Mew was fascinated by the professor’s work. He was certain that this little dish was going to turn into something big.

    Mew could sense it.

    Itchy. So itchy!

    Mew violently scratched behind his ear with his hind foot. The then saw a little clump of his hair float down and land lightly on top of the dishes’ surface.

    Oh no. Oh no oh no oh no oh no! Had Mew messed everything up? He swirled about anxiously then stopped. He reasoned that surely a little bit of his fur couldn’t mess up anything. At least not all that badly…

    The man then swiveled over to the table and gently picked up the dish. He then slowly stood up and slowly walked the clear dish into the large blinking box thingy. He placed into this super tiny slot. After that he backed up and looked at the big machine carefully. Sure, it was pretty, but Mew was growing imaptient. He wanted to see what would happen next...

    He was about to pull a really big lever when he suddenly stopped, then bent down to look inside of the slot where he put in the dish, then finally sprang up and pulled the lever. The slot had a small plastic cover slide in front. There was a pause. Mew looked at the big box with his eyes wide, wondering what would happen next. Just as Mew was about to lose interest, the machine started blinking and making a ridiculous amount of noise.

    WHHHHHHHHHHHR!!!!!!

    Mew thought it was about to explode!

    Then it all stopped.

    Mew was disappointed. That’s it? A bunch of blinking lights and obnoxious noise?

    Suddenly, the large glass pillar next to the obtrusive machine exploded with life. A bright, red light began to illuminate the entire room. Mew began to squeal with joy as he flipped around. The man could not hear it over his own cheers.

    Then it just disappeared. The light zoomed back to the center of the tube. The man stared at the empty tube for a long time. He slowly took off his white trench coat and placed it on the back of the swivel chair.

    “Why…” He said to no one in particular as he rubbed his hands through his hair. He purposely turned around and walked out of the room. His body was stiff and robotic as he slowly exited. He opened the door that lead to rest of the mansion and didn’t even bother to close it.

    Mew turned around to face the tube. He had felt energy searing through his body when the light was shining. Now his body felt empty and cold from the absence of it.

    He stared at the test tube for a long time. Then he thought he felt something...

    Mew stopped mid- thought.

    Something smelt really good. He immediately left the laboratory. The smell was up the stairs... He quickly flew up them and, after looking around the main hall, realized the smell was not here. He flew out the doors and found the origination of the smell.

    It came from a pretty light on one of the nests. It was steaming hot. He heard a voice exclaim from inside, "Mama! You made a pie! Can we have it pleeease????"

    A women's voice replied, "No, Timmy; it's too hot right now."

    Mew didn't understand any of that, but he rationalized that the thing must be a... pie.

    Why did they leave it there? They obviously must not want this pie. They just left it outside! Mew picked up with his psycic powers. He then flew off into the sky.

    Not only a light show but pie too?

    This was so worth leaving the jungle.
    Last edited by black_cat96; 2nd April 2011 at 4:16 AM. Reason: For the sake of pie, DUH!
    The lost story...



    Chapter one is finally out!

  2. #2
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    rofl this is pretty good, um...I'm not much of an editor but this is really good. There is definitely a lot of description (which is good) and I can definitely tell that this is a story of Mewtwo. Keep Going! I think that I might actually make my own because this seems like a lot of fun, but it may take a while cuz I have a test tomorrow and a "pop" quiz on thurs and fri which I know through my awesomely ninja "resources"
    Last edited by Skevengal; 31st March 2011 at 1:08 AM.
    {CURSED by the Random Number Goddess}

    "I see now that the circumstances of one's birth are irrelevant. It is what you do with the gift of life that determines who you are." -Mewtwo
    "We do have a lot in common. The same Earth, the same air, the same sky. Maybe if we started looking at what's the same instead of looking at what's different...Well who knows?" -Meowth
    "It's more important to master the cards you're working with than to complain about the ones your opponents were dealt." -Elite Four Grimsley

    Levels and statistics are just numbers.

  3. #3
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    Lol, mewtwo isn't really a main character! :P

    rotfl

    But, yeah he's in it, but it doesnt revolve around him . Fan fic always revolve around him. I think he'll actually be a protagonist... Idk yet!!


    Thx for da review!!!!
    The lost story...



    Chapter one is finally out!

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    Not bad... From the way I see it, Ambertwo is another Pokemon created, and ummm... becomes the antagonist. Oh well, try not to use words like 'didn't' in your text. (Not counting Dialogue and Thoughts)


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  5. #5
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    No... Wrong again! And I used a conjunction since this is a third person omnipresent i don't really want it to be conventional... The third person lapses into the characters speech because third person omnipresent has acess to everyones head. I just focused on mew.

    Ambertwo is not a pokemon. Watch the YouTube clip: it will educate you.

    But thanks for your opinion!
    Last edited by black_cat96; 1st April 2011 at 3:31 PM.
    The lost story...



    Chapter one is finally out!

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    its alright its not the first fanfic i read but its not bad could use a little more work........oh my bad its your first story well as it is being your first its pretty good be more imaginitive
    all in all i give it 5/10

    hey and for other people who think i was being a jerk screw you
    i was just saying that it needs a little more work for future chapters
    aswell as the chapter was short and things went on to fast
    just be more descriptive and maybe add some suspense and then ease it with comedy relief
    Last edited by Psychic; 2nd April 2011 at 4:51 AM.
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    zenna
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    .......('(...´...´.... Ż~/'...')
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    BROFIST

  7. #7
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    Ok. But the story is not anywhere near finished... at all. I want to know specifically what you think is wrong with my style; that is the only way I will improve.

    I mean, not to be mean, do you know what the story is about? I mean, other than Ambertwo. It's not gonna be her magically running into mewtwo and then them both remembering and them all being happy and living happily after ever for ever and ever...

    No. I'm debating on a tradgedy here. And after that, taking it further...

    I don't feel you can rate it at this time unless it is about my writing style or my characterization of mew, which is what I'm really worried about.


    I feel as if I am being rather imaginative giving a dead character life and shes not gonna be all like:

    OMG I HAF MAGIC POWAS I TURN INTA MEW LALALA I BROUGHT MY DADDY BACK TO LIFE AND MEWTWO IS MA BESTIST BUDDAY AND I DONT HAVE A FRIEND WHO WANTS TO TURN ME INTO A SCIENCE EXPERIMENT AND THE GOVERNMENT DOESNT HAVE A GIANT CONSPERICY LALALALALA!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Omg, I'm so sorry for being super defensive! I'm kinda using this rant to show off what may be happining later...

    Ok, I'll shut up now. Can you just please tell me what you mean by being more imaginative?

    Thanks for your input and opinion!
    The lost story...



    Chapter one is finally out!

  8. #8
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    noy bad. well written and enjoyable. dont' listen to the other people, write how you want to and tell the story you want to tell. writing is art and art isnt meant to be kept in a box. i look forward to your next chapter. =]

    also there should be a gengar or porygon2 or darmanitan in it!! lols.

  9. #9
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    Quicky quick review.

    He flew out the doors and found the origination if the smell.
    Of.

    A womens voice replied, "No Timmy; it's too hot right now."
    Kudos on the proper semicolon use. "womens" should be "woman's" though ("women" is plural of "woman"). There should also be a comma between "No" and "Timmy".

    Mew picked up wig his pshycic powers. He then flew off into the sky.
    With. Psychic.

    Not only light show but pie too?
    I think you're missing a word between "only" and "light." It weird kind of odd anyway.

    I think you captured your Mew's personality quite nicely through the narrative. The simple sentence structure really showed how sweet and simple Mew's thoughts are, though it did get a bit repetitive and made the read a little choppy at times. While I get while you were doing, you might want to consider changing up the structure of some sentences just so the read flows a bit better. Either that or incorporate a little more of Mew's thought in the mix of descriptive narrative; it is actually nice to read how Mew reacts to things, like things being WHOA HUGE, rather than just Mew interacting with certain objects. Overall, you have a very specific narrative that fits Mew nicely. You can tell he just likes pretty things but is smart at the same time (his ability to catch on what "pie" is and trying to reason why the humans left it out on a windowsill. Very cute scene by the way; I like his reasoning ;P).

    I think you could have incorporated a little more of Mew's narrative into this piece of description:

    The man then swiveled over to the table and gently picked up the dish. He then slowly stood up and gently walked the clear dish into the large blink machine. When he placed it inside, he doubled checked it to make sure everything was set up correctly. He was about to pull a really big lever when he suddenly stopped, then bent down to look inside of the slot where he put in the dish, then suddenly sprang up and pulled the lever.
    In comparison to the rest of the story, this section is a little jarring because it doesn't really have the quirk the rest of the narrative does. It makes no sense to go into an objective description just for this part considering everything else was told from Mew's perspective. It's strangely too detailed for the narrative you have. If anything, it does need a bit more of Mew's spin on it.

    How does Mew know that this man is named Dr. Fuji by the way? It kind of appeared to be a slip up considering the rest of the prologue went on to define him as "the man."

    I'm actually a little impressed that you're not afraid to really explore how much you could do with narrative and how you know its okay for the narrative to just go "Ew!" or "Itchy. So itchy!" without having to tag on a "Mew thought" at the start or end of it. Doing that sort of things makes the narrative so much personal, IMO, and gives us a better feel for the character. In a way, it feels like we're Mew.

    You could proofread a bit closer; I pointed out some slip-ups, but I'm sure I missed some. I did enjoy your prologue, though. It was cute.

  10. #10
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    Thank you timbush and breezy! I'll fix up those problems, do a quick proofread spice up that block of text. And originally I was going for third person omnipresent ( or some thing like that) but I like what it's turning into.

    And yeah, it's pretty choppy, but soon we'll be seeing life from the point of view of someone a little less...

    WHOA SO PRETTY!!!!!!

    Thanks guys!

    - blackcat


    Oh, and the only reason I was able to use a semicolon correctly is because I have the bestest (and craziestest...) English teacher in the world!!!!!!!!
    Last edited by black_cat96; 1st April 2011 at 3:34 PM.
    The lost story...



    Chapter one is finally out!

  11. #11
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    Quote Originally Posted by mikethezoroark View Post
    its alright its not the first fanfic i read but its not bad could use a little more work........oh my bad its your first story well as it is being your first its pretty good be more imaginitive
    all in all i give it 5/10
    Don't give number ratings, don't change your opinion on whether or not it's their first work, and don't be so unhelpfully vague.


    Quote Originally Posted by freakingtimbush View Post
    noy bad. well written and enjoyable. dont' listen to the other people, write how you want to and tell the story you want to tell. writing is art and art isnt meant to be kept in a box. i look forward to your next chapter. =]

    also there should be a gengar or porygon2 or darmanitan in it!! lols.
    Oh goodie, you're putting down people trying to help him and making requests at the same time. You're such a helpful lad.


    Anyway, the story.. I'll list some issues.


    - You have an annoying habit of constantly making new paragraphs. For example:

    Mew decided to try to sense all the persons in the house.

    Mew then realized there was only one in this WHOLE ENTIRE place.

    Mew wanted to find this person ‘cause he thought he might be lonely and needed a friend since he was in this big nest by himself.
    Would look better as:

    Mew decided to try to sense all the persons in the house. It then realized there was only one in this WHOLE ENTIRE place. Mew wanted to find this person... etc.
    Of course there are plenty of grammar mistakes and poor writing choices in this selected piece (using capslock while not speaking looks bad; try italics or bold for emphasis) as well, but those are easier to fix.


    - Your sentences are very choppy and bland.

    He dove down to a small house. It had a bunch of flowers to the side of it.
    That sentence is very dry and unbefitting. It would be better written as...

    He dove down to a small house curiously, glancing at the pretty bunch of flowers lined up on the ground right beside it.
    Or really anything else that doesn't sound like a robot narrating.


    - You make several poor writing choices. Multiple exclamation points, multiple question marks, multiple capitalizations (So Itchy!) capslock, and spelling mistakes (pshycic?.. origination?...) are all taboo.


    - The narrative doesn't make much sense. Why would a Mew know what a pie is? Why doesn't Mew know what a house is (giant nests) but can recognize a machine? Why does the narrative keep switching between Mew's inner thoughts and third person limited?


    There are a few pros, though. You captured Mew's childish innocence through the narrative, and through his actions.


    I'm sorry if this is harsh. I'd recommend spending time reading other fanfictions and seeing how you can do better.

  12. #12
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    Bynine B:

    Your input is GREATLY apprecitated but some things I don't necessarily agree with. So I won't change them. Please don't be upset with me.

    Also, Freakingtimbush meant the recomendations as a joke and his put down boosted my confidence because I took mikethezorark's critique far too seriously.

    And Mike, I do not think you are a jerk. I feel as if your first critique being incorrect is similar to my mistakes in my prolouge: We both are beginners! So don't sweat it!

    So, guys that are being nice, be a little more critique please!

    But, yeah, some things that you say are mistakes I can't help but like. And some things I have problems with because of my noobness. Lol, I didn't know how to italitize or bold until I asked breezy!

    So there you have it; please give your opinions and try not to correct each other (only me, because I am special) :P

    Oh, and I'm a girl. In case anyone wanted to know. Lol.
    The lost story...



    Chapter one is finally out!

  13. #13
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    no i didnt mean you i ment other people i ment people who think im being mean to you
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    zenna
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    ..................__
    ............/´Ż/'...'/´ŻŻ`ˇ¸
    ........./'/.../..../......./¨Ż\
    .......('(...´...´.... Ż~/'...')
    .........\.................'...../
    .........''...\.......... _.ˇ´
    ...........\..............(
    BROFIST

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    This was really funny and enjoyable to read! The Narrative from Mew's point of view was great!

    The referring to houses as "nests" was a nice touch. You have really put yourselves in Mew's shoes, that's for sure.

    (Don't have much else to say honestly.)

    Oh, write the next chapter so I can give you more feedback there!
    Lol.

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    Yes! It took me forever, but I finally got this stupid chapter done with!

    Enjoy!

    Oh, and I'm starting pm list. So if you like my series and want to know when a new chapter is out, ask to benon my list!

    ---------------

    Chapter One


    Black tiles lined the floors. The same black tiles lined the walls as well. Whoever designed this place had issues with colors. It was either that or he was blind. Daniel walked through the narrow halls, his worn sneakers making a tap, tap, tap, noise. He somehow arrived at a door. It had a big red R on it. He slowly reached out a hand and turned the knob. The door clicked open, and a friendly woman was sitting at a desk in the center of the room.

    "Hello, and what's your name?" The women asked. She had on a bright, fuzzy pink cardigan and an obscene amount of makeup. Her blonde hair was pinned into a tight bun atop her head. Daniel thought it kinda looked like an onion. A really stupid, ugly onion.

    "Daniel" He muttered. He looked down at his shoes as he said it, his long, dirty hair covering his face. The women looked at the emancipated boy and chided happily,

    "So you're here to apply, am I right?" Daniel continued to stare at his shoes, and when he didn't answer the women simply sang, "All righty then, lets get started…"

    Beep. Beep. Beep beep. Beep beep. Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep!

    Daniel awoke with a start, flinging his sheets everywhere. Sweat clung his clothes and hair to his body; the sweat from his skull carried the dirt from his sandy hair all over his face. After struggling with untangling himself from his comforter, he walked over to a small table in the hotel room. He flipped it open.

    "What!?" He shouted irritably at the screen. A cheerful woman with long, raven black hair twittered,

    "Good morning… Oh my god. That's what it looks like?" Her black eyes were opened wide and her eyebrows rose. "Um… would you mind…"

    "Mind? Mind what, Rachel? To cover up my ugly eye? Well, this is what you get for waking me up at four in the freaking morning!" He shouted.

    She giggled nervously, trying to avoid eye contact. "Technically its ten minutes past four…" She immediately shut up when he saw his face. She then tried to speak with a commanding voice, "I need you to go to Cinnibar Island, like, now. I think I'm finally on to something…"

    Daniel rolled his eye. "That's what you said the last eight trips." Rachel just stared at him. Then she quickly snapped back to reality.

    "Uh… well, I'm seriously on to something this time. I need you to investigate the Burned Mansion."

    "You mean the 'Burned to the Ground' mansion? Cause there is no way I'm gonna be able to get into there ever since…"

    Rachel interrupted, "The volcano eruption?" A smile spread across her face. "I recently sent some Golbat to scan the area and the results show that the entire basement is fully intact." The camera facing her started going up and down rapidly along with the holder as she literally jumped for joy. "Isn't that GREAT?" She squealed.

    She was starting to remind Daniel of a spastic Rattata. "Yes, wonderful." He practically growled as he placed his right hand on the table and leaning all of his weight onto it, which, to his extreme convenience, decided to flip over.

    Daniel landed awkwardly on his back. His feet somehow ended up above his head. He heard a muted laughter coming from somewhere. He then realized he was on top of his video transceiver. He rolled over and turned it off, Rachel’s hysterical laughter leaving the room with an uneasy silence taking its place.

    Daniel got up and ignored his muscles protests; his body ached from Rachel's last escapade. He knew he had to take a shower, but he was pretty sure this loser motel didn't have one. Way to go, Pallet Town. He walked past the dusty mirror placed on the wall and glanced at his reflection.

    He was a bit thin and his hair was a complete mess. Normally it was brown but it looked sandy. Stupid Desert Resort. He didn't really look like most ten year olds, now that he thought about it. He almost looked thirteen, with his thinned out face and slightly developed muscles. He still had large blue eyes… no, a large blue eye. His other one was glazed over, and the eyelid was nothing but a raged piece of skin. He turned away from the mirror the minute he saw his bad eye; it disgusted him.

    After changing into a white t-shirt and a pair of jeans, Daniel set to work and started to deal with… his hair. It took him forever to untangle the knots and even longer to get most of the sand out, but finally he started looking a little more like a human being. He then carefully put his eye patch on, which was always a medical one with an elastic strap; he stayed away from black satin ones to avoid looking like a pirate.

    He then stuffed his jacket into his bag, put his one Pokeball into his pocket and walked out of his suite. He walked down the carpeted hallways, though calling it carpeted was stretching it. Most of the carpet was gnawed away by Rattatas and the occasional Raticate. He finally reached the small lobby, checked out and walked out the door to the glorious town that is: Pallet Town. The town seemed to share the same attitude as the motel as it sported an extremely run down atmosphere. Also, everything seemed to be off-color. The grass was a dingy green, the sky such a light blue it almost look white and the houses were a cream that was intended to be bright white. Daniel walked over to the docks and found virtually no one there except for a tiny fishing boat. An old, lanky man was about to start the motor when he saw Daniel running towards him.

    "Whaddaya want?" The man rasped as he puffed out a bit of smoke then shoved his cigar back into his mouth.

    "A ride." Daniel answered.

    "'t where? Cinnibar?" The man then began laughing then stopped when he realized Daniel was nodding his head. Daniel then pulled out a wad of bills and smiled.

    "How does 1000 sound?"

    "Sounds real nice. Hop in."

    After giving the money to the man, he acted like Daniel was his new best friend as he told him perilous journeys of his childhood and the great war of '62 as the motor kept backfiring and sounding like gunshots.

    Daniel wanted to jump out of the stupid boat and drown himself.

    Eventually, after several backfires and gripping stores of life on the warfront, Daniel arrived at his destination. He scanned the beach to see if there were going to be any rides off Cinnibar. He had paid the man for a round trip but he wasn't sure if he could take another ride like that…

    Cinnabar was best described as a giant hunk of black rock. Daniel had to admit it looked really cool the way the lava had cooled and left wavy patterns about the ground. He took out a tattered map and looked over it quickly. There was a Pokemon Center at the South end of the island, so after his expedition he could rest there. The Burned Mansion (or what was left of it anyway) was at the eastern end of the island and he had arrived at the Northern end…

    Daniel turned left and continued walking until he came to a slight raise in the never-ending rock. He then hesitantly reached in his right pocket and brought out his Pokeball. He pushed the center button and it cracked open, a red light zooming out of it and pooling onto the ground, a Charmeleon materializing before him.

    The Charmeleon was quite large for an average one, his head being level with the top of Daniel's rib cage. He had orange scales that always reminded Daniel of burnt oranges. An un-amused look infested his face as he crossed his arms and looked up at his master.

    Daniel pointed toward the rise in the rock. "Use Metal Claw." After staring at his master for a while, he turned towards the lump in an attacking position. His claws began to glow and he stroked the surface twice, stopping and looking back up at his master with a innocent face.

    Daniel frowned as he shouted, "You know what I want! All the way through!" Man, his Charmeleon was so difficult to deal with…

    The Charmeleon grunted and started slashing the rock again, this time not stopping until he had gotten all the way through the rock. A small opening into what was left of the burned mansion was opened and Daniel took out his Pokeball and commanded his pokemon to return. Charmeleon frowned as he was sucked back into his pokeball. After fishing an old flashlight from his bag, Daniel turned towards the opening in the rock. He sat down and dangled his feet into the hole. He then muttered to no one in particular, "Here goes nothing…" and dropped into the Burned Mansion.

    Dust. Oh, god. If someone were to take all of the dust from every stinking ancient mansion in the world it would still be nothing compared to this place. He snapped on his flashlight and proceeded down the hallway.

    Every step he took created a large amount of protest from the wooden floor below. Dead potted plants met him at every turn, decorated with limply hanging Spinark webs. The walls were white but looked gray from all of the dust, but when he looked down one hallway he thought the wall at the end looked… black. He then realized that was no wall; it was an opening.

    "Yes…" Daniel whispered as he ran down the hallway. Finally something interesting in this old dump! If there was something valuable down there, he might actually get promoted. He smiled; the thought of being able to boss Rachel around was really appealing…

    He stopped when he reached the opening and shined his flashlight inside of the gaping whole where a wall should have been. Daniel shuffled into the opening and found himself in what he believed to be a room. He tried to see something with his flashlight, but the darkness was swallowing in the light…

    Wait, no… the batteries were dying. In a freaking secret room in a creepy basement on a piece of deserted rock in the middle of the freaking ocean. Great. Daniel shook the flashlight violently then realized that it was no use. It was dead.

    Daniel suddenly froze. He felt as if someone was… watching him? He looked about the room rapidly, then slowed down when he realized he was being stupid. Nothing is alive down here; this place hasn't been touched in over twenty yea…

    Eyes. Two glowing, green eyes were staring at him from the back of the rooms. He began to breathe rapidly, and his palms began to sweat. Oh god… not now. He didn’t want to die yet. He still had to find…

    A sound of cracking glass filled the room as little green fissures began to surround the eyes. Daniel couldn't even think, no less run…

    SMASH! Glass was flying everywhere. Daniel covered his face and crouched down until all that was left was a tinkling sound. Liquid was gushing and a soft thud was heard at the back of the room.


    Daniel got down on all fours and tried to get to exit when he heard the soft sobbing. Whatever that thing was, it was crying. Suddenly he heard a voice sobbing,

    "W-what's going on? Where am I?" It sounded like a young girl's voice. It sounded kind of like... Naomi…

    He didn't know why he was doing this. Why was he doing this? This thing could kill him, and yet he said quietly,

    "Calm down. Every thing is going to be all right."

    "Who are you! What do you want?" It asked. It sounded like a wounded animal.

    "I want to help." Daniel replied as he slowly began walking towards the back of the room. Each foot step cause glass to crackle, and that seemed to unnerve the creature even more.

    "Get away from me…" It muttered as it tried to get up, failing to do so and collapsing to the ground. It tried to get back up by pulling on something, but it came loose and draped over the creature as if fell back to the ground. It once again collapsed into sobbing.

    Daniel needed the flashlight to work. What if it attacked him? How would he even get out of this place without it? He pulled it out of his bag once more and banged it against his hand once more. It sprang to life and Daniel could see again.

    He was right in front of the creature. It screamed, hiding its face underneath the lab coat that fell on top of it. Blood and a clear liquid were pooled around it. Daniel quickly flashed the light around the room and realized that he was in a laboratory of some sorts. White tiles lined the floors and all around him were… giant test tubes. There was a giant test tube behind the creature but all that was left of it were jagged pieces of glass. He looked down and realized that the pool of blood was growing. He had to act fast.

    "Come on, get up…" He said gently to the creature underneath the lab coat.

    "Can't…" It said feebly. Daniel then realized he would have to carry it. He put his flashlight between his teeth and squatted down to pick it up. He gathered the lab coat cautiously around it (he didn't want to see the thing naked) and slowly stood up. Then he saw her face.

    She was a tiny little thing, and she was extremely light (thank god for that.) She had a mass of greenish-teal hair plastered on her head from the liquid and a small, innocent face. He skin was a pale white and her half open eyes where a startling blue. She seemed to be about eight years old.

    All she could manage to say was,

    "Thank y…"

    Before slipping out of consiousness.
    Last edited by black_cat96; 4th April 2011 at 12:25 AM.
    The lost story...



    Chapter one is finally out!

  16. #16
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    I have to say,,,that this made me laugh at times....i don't know if that was the intention...but its good ...for now XD
    (so prefers dark in-depth stories like his will be XD)
    i wana see more of this

    Amor
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    Ręves

  17. #17
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    The prolouge, yes, and chapter one, sort of, just not the super scary part.

    Or, well, at least it was scary for me. (and i was the one writing it, lol!)
    The lost story...



    Chapter one is finally out!

  18. #18
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    i dont get scared much cos of stories XD
    what genre is your story going to be?
    because you should choose one your good at
    for example
    mine is in a sense kinda dark...im good at dark stories (kinda XD)
    so choose something your good at cos i dont want this to be ruined by you trying a new type of genre and it being crap

    Amor
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  19. #19
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    Um... idk, it is what it is. I suppose dark. It will be happy with extremely dark underscores. Its adventure. There we go.

    And I don't try to mix things up or anything. Think of a plot, then write it. Thats pretty much it
    The lost story...



    Chapter one is finally out!

  20. #20
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    YEY lol
    mine is just plain old dark XD
    might change it later on depending on mood...but for now i keep it like that
    and i might make it into a series of a few threads XD

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  21. #21
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    Great!

    Idk what I'm doing, lol. Whatever happens, happens. So far that's been working out
    The lost story...



    Chapter one is finally out!

  22. #22
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    OMG YES! I was wondering what book i was thinking of, The Warrior cats series? Where they call cars Monsters and stuff reminded me, omg... i just remembered lol
    {CURSED by the Random Number Goddess}

    "I see now that the circumstances of one's birth are irrelevant. It is what you do with the gift of life that determines who you are." -Mewtwo
    "We do have a lot in common. The same Earth, the same air, the same sky. Maybe if we started looking at what's the same instead of looking at what's different...Well who knows?" -Meowth
    "It's more important to master the cards you're working with than to complain about the ones your opponents were dealt." -Elite Four Grimsley

    Levels and statistics are just numbers.

  23. #23
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    Yes that is warrior cats (loves that series XD)

    Amor
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  24. #24
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    Yeah... If i hadn't read that series mew would probably be like:

    Oh look, there is a car. Cool. And there is a house.

    Shivers... scary O.o
    The lost story...



    Chapter one is finally out!

  25. #25
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    rofl,, hmm i have decided to make an fanfic myself (cuz it seems like a lot of fun) but idk where to start...
    {CURSED by the Random Number Goddess}

    "I see now that the circumstances of one's birth are irrelevant. It is what you do with the gift of life that determines who you are." -Mewtwo
    "We do have a lot in common. The same Earth, the same air, the same sky. Maybe if we started looking at what's the same instead of looking at what's different...Well who knows?" -Meowth
    "It's more important to master the cards you're working with than to complain about the ones your opponents were dealt." -Elite Four Grimsley

    Levels and statistics are just numbers.

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