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Thread: The Aura: Banned Forever

  1. #1
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    Default The Aura: Banned Forever

    The Aura: Banned Forever
    It was a starry but dark night in a small forest,
    A Lucario traveled down a narrow path, with a Charizard making sure he didn't escape, and a rope tied around Lucario's neck in one of it's hands. Sentrets everywhere giving him a dirty look. In front of him stood a podium, with a guillotine, and a Crawdaunt. This was the day the Lucario was to be killed. The Crawdaunt began to speak,
    "Mister Zorro, the Lucario, you have been sentenced to death, by having the power of aura. Do you deny having the power of the aura?" He spoke in a deep and cruel voice.
    "No, I do not, but having aura powers is no reason to kill off my people." Zorro said in a scratchy voice. The Charizard yanked on the rope around Lucario's neck.

    "Silence, aura scum!" The Crawdaunt yelled. 'Now, Flinn," Crawdaunt said pointing at the Charizard. "Bring him to the guillotine." Zorro and Flinn inched closer and closer to the podium and the guillotine. Suddenly, a figure swiftly flew by, a blade of air sliced the rope, inches by Flinn's fingertips.
    "Well don't just stand there, after him! I'll finish the work on the Lucario!"
    The Charizard took to the skies after the mysterious flying being. Then, Crawdaunt came straight after Zorro, with nothing holding him back, Zorro fired an Aura Sphere, and used Extreme Speed to make a break for it.
    "NO! He's getting away, AFTER HIM!" The Crawdaunt screamed, and the Sentret began chasing Zorro.
    As the Extreme Speed eventually stopped, and the Sentret were getting closer and closer, when the flying figure came back down, and grabbed Zorro by the shoulders, "If you want to live, you will fire as many special attacks at the Charizard as you can." The mysterious voice said in an almost soothing voice.
    Zorro listened to his savior, and fired a wave from his gaping mouth, followed by yet another Aura Sphere.
    Flinn the Charizard managed to dodge the wave that generated from Lucario's mouth, but was tricked by the Aura Sphere, and landed on a large amount of the Sentrets.

    Eventually, the duo lost the chasing Sentrets, and they landed in a cave on the side of a mountain.
    "Who are you, and why did you save me?" Zorro said.
    "I am Reginald the Togekiss," Reginald said as he appeared into the light, to prove he is a Togekiss. "I saved you, because it is wrong to kill pokemon for aura. I have seen what you did to protect your village, and it was noble, risking your own life. If you were dead though, your family and friends would be doomed, I would not let you try so hard, for nothing." Reginald said fluently with an English accent.
    "But I still don't know why they want the aura dead," Lucario said. "Please, tell me all you know about this."
    "Fine, all I know, is that Genesect has taken over the mighty Arceus, the only thing that could stop Genesect's rain of terror, is the aura power. So Genesect, or, Arceus, or whoever it is, have banned aura, and have sentenced all masters of aura, or ones who will soon be able to learn it, to death."
    Suddenly, an Aura Sphere popped out from further in the cave, and a figure began to walk to the others.
    Another Lucario appeared in front of them. "What are you doing here?! This is the home of the one known as Joey, the Ditto, and he knows you are here to turn Joey in to the vile Crawdaunt. But Joey will not let you!" The Lucario fired another Aura Sphere at Zorro, who swiftly dodged.

    "Joey, it's okay, he was almost sentenced to death too. I rescued this Lucario from the vile Crawdaunt." Reginald said. Then, in a hushed tone whispered to Zorro, "Sorry about him, they are also killing off Dittos, as when Dittos transform, they can transform into say, a Lucario, and know Aura Sphere. The madness has given him a speech problem, where he speaks in third person."
    The Ditto named Joey reverted to a shiny Ditto. "You aren't here to turn Joey in? Then Joey welcomes you to his humble home." Joey said, still talking in third party.
    The trio walked further and further into the cave, until they reached a large boulder, Joey transformed into a Machamp and pushed the boulder out of the way, to reveal a small room, with fruits and veggies, some pokemon food, and a small bed.
    "Joey has a lovely room, right?" Joey asked.
    "Umm, yeah, it's lovely." Zorro said with a face on him that proved he was lying, but Joey was oblivious to it all the same.
    Suddenly, the boulder was moved back into place, not by Joey, but by an unkown being on the other side. Suddenly, four Sandslash appeared from the ground. And one began to speak.
    "Stop, you three are under arrest, for not only being aura pokemon, but also for plotting to rebel against the mighty Arceus."

    "What is he talking about?! Rebel against Arceus?!" Zorro said in a shocked voice.
    "Oh no, Joey and Reginald's cover has been blown! They will soon get the three of us for sure!" Joey said as he transformed into a Quagsire.
    "Sorry Zorro, I know you're still tired from the earlier fight with Charizard, Crawdaunt, and the large amount of Sentret, but we need you to help us fight!" Reginald said as he shot a blade of air at one of the Sandslash.




        Spoiler:- PM List:
    Last edited by Burakoru; 17th August 2011 at 6:17 PM.
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  2. #2
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    Nice first chapter despite the fact you really didn't give any physical description of the pokemon which would've been nice. I liked the fact that you're writing style is very fluid and quite easy to follow. I didn't see any grammatical errors and one spelling error you had was two V's in prove...put me on the PM list

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    You got it Bronzong, oh, didn't see that, so sorry about the typo.
    And ATM they all look like the animated pokemon I currently have in my signature.
    I'll fix the typo.
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    Could I be in it? As like a side character OR a main - up to u.

    He is a Riolu - From Zorro's family.

    Name: Zarroak
    Age/Level: 15
    MoveSet:Rock Smash/Jump Kick/Low Kick/Chomp
    Relation to Zorro: Brother
    I believe in Jesus Christ.

    I HAVE CLAIMED AMBIPOM!!



    Name: Greenbay
    Adopt one yourself! @Pokémon Orphanage

    Quote Originally Posted by djhappy View Post
    10 Like the Monoply Man!
    Quote Originally Posted by Rival Gary
    This is sandwitch! this is Bulbasaur, witch wins? Lets find out! BULBASAUR! USE EAT! Critical hit, sandwitch fainted!
        Spoiler:- Game:

        Spoiler:- Funny:

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    Hmm, I'll have to think about it, if I could find a way to have him in, how I have him in, ect., so maybe.
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    k


    tencharlimit
    I believe in Jesus Christ.

    I HAVE CLAIMED AMBIPOM!!



    Name: Greenbay
    Adopt one yourself! @Pokémon Orphanage

    Quote Originally Posted by djhappy View Post
    10 Like the Monoply Man!
    Quote Originally Posted by Rival Gary
    This is sandwitch! this is Bulbasaur, witch wins? Lets find out! BULBASAUR! USE EAT! Critical hit, sandwitch fainted!
        Spoiler:- Game:

        Spoiler:- Funny:

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    Quote Originally Posted by Bekidding View Post
    The Aura: Banned Forever
    It was a starry but dark night in a small forest. A Lucario travelled down a narrow path, with a Charizard making sure he didn't escape. A rope was tied around Lucario's neck in one of it's hands. Sentrets everywhere were giving him a dirty looks. In front of him stood a podium, with a guillotine, and a Crawdaunt. This was the day the Lucario was to be killed. The Crawdaunt began to speak.

    "Mister Zorro, the Lucario, you have been sentenced to death, by having the power of aura. Do you deny having the power of the aura?" He spoke in a deep and cruel voice.
    "No, I do not, but having aura powers is no reason to kill off my people", Zorro said in a scratchy voice. The Charizard yanked on the rope around Lucario's neck.
    "Silence, aura scum!", the Crawdaunt yelled. "Now, Flinn," Crawdaunt said pointing at the Charizard, "Bring him to the guillotine."

    Zorro and Flinn inched closer and closer to the podium and the guillotine. Suddenly, a figure flew swiftly by, and a blade of air sliced the rope, inches from Flinn's fingertips.
    "Well don't just stand there, after him! I'll finish the work on the Lucario!"
    The Charizard took to the skies after the mysterious flying being. Then, Crawdaunt came straight after Zorro, and with nothing holding him back, Zorro fired an Aura Sphere. He then used Extreme Speed to make a break for it.

    "NO! He's getting away, AFTER HIM!" The Crawdaunt screamed, and the Sentret began chasing Zorro.
    As the Extreme Speed eventually stopped, and the Sentret were getting closer and closer, when the flying figure came back down, and grabbed Zorro by the shoulders. "If you want to live, you will fire as many special attacks at the Charizard as you can," the mysterious voice said in an almost soothing voice. Saying voice twice doesn't look great.

    Zorro listened to his savior, and fired a wave from his gaping mouth, followed by yet another Aura Sphere.
    Flinn the Charizard managed to dodge the wave that generated from Lucario's mouth, but was tricked by the Aura Sphere, and landed on a large amount of the Sentrets.
    Eventually, the duo lost the chasing Sentrets, and they landed in a cave on the side of a mountain.

    "Who are you, and why did you save me?" Zorro said.
    "I am Reginald the Togekiss," Reginald said as he appeared into the light, to prove he was a Togekiss. "I saved you, because it is wrong to kill pokemon for aura. I have seen what you did to protect your village, and it was noble, risking your own life. If you were dead though, your family and friends would be doomed, I would not let you try so hard, for nothing," Reginald said fluently with an English accent.

    "But I still don't know why they want the aura dead," Lucario said. "Please, tell me all you know about this."
    "Fine, all I know, is that Genesect has taken over the mighty Arceus. The only thing that could stop Genesect's rain of terror, is the aura power. So Genesect, or, Arceus, or whoever it is, has banned aura, and have sentenced all masters of aura, or ones who will soon be able to learn it, to death."

    Suddenly, an Aura Sphere popped out from further in the cave, and a figure began to walk to the others.
    Another Lucario appeared in front of them. "What are you doing here?! This is the home of the one known as Joey, the Ditto, and he knows you are here to turn Joey in to the vile Crawdaunt. But Joey will not let you!" The Lucario fired another Aura Sphere at Zorro, who swiftly dodged.
    "Joey, it's okay, he was almost sentenced to death too. I rescued this Lucario from the vile Crawdaunt." Reginald said. Then, in a hushed tone whispered to Zorro, "Sorry about him, they are also killing off Dittos, as when Dittos transform, they can transform into say, a Lucario, and know Aura Sphere. The madness has given him a speech problem, where he speaks in third person."
    The Ditto named Joey reverted to a shiny Ditto. "You aren't here to turn Joey in? Then Joey welcomes you to his humble home." Joey said, still talking in third person.

    The trio walked further and further into the cave, until they reached a large boulder. Joey transformed into a Machamp and pushed the boulder out of the way, to reveal a small room, with fruits, veggies, some pokemon food, and a small bed.
    "Joey has a lovely room, right?" Joey asked.
    "Umm, yeah, it's lovely." Zorro said with a face on him that proved he was lying, but Joey was oblivious to it all the same.

    Suddenly, the boulder was moved back into place, not by Joey, but by an unkown being on the other side. Suddenly, four Sandslash appeared from the ground, and one began to speak.
    "Stop, you three are under arrest, for not only being aura pokemon, but also for plotting to rebel against the mighty Arceus."
    "What is he talking about?! Rebel against Arceus?!" Zorro said in a shocked voice.
    "Oh no, Joey and Reginald's cover has been blown! They will soon get the three of us for sure!" Joey said as he transformed into a Quagsire.
    "Sorry Zorro, I know you're still tired from the earlier fight with Charizard, Crawdaunt, and the large amount of Sentret, but we need you to help us fight!" Reginald said as he shot a blade of air at one of the Sandslash.
    It's quite and interesting story, but the grammar isn't the best. And you're not paraghraphing. Also, some of your sentences are rather long, you don't need so many commas. I edited in corrections in bold.

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    Oh, thank you SS, and yeah, I'm just starting, I'll be sure to get better at grammar problems now, thanks. Glad you like the main idea.
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    Just make sure to space out your paragraphs; it's tedious to read a wall of text.

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    Chapter 2: Where to Start
    One of the Sandslash fired a Mud Shot towards Zorro, who quickly fired an Aura Sphere to counter it, and then used a Dragon Pulse.
    "Zorro, Reginald, you both better get out of here, Joey is gonna fire a Surf attack with the power of Quagsire!" Joey shouted as he began a Surf attack.
    "Zorro, use Close Combat to break boulder, now!" Reginald screamed as he fought back a Mud Shot with an Air Slash.
    Zorro nodded, and repeatedly hit the rock with powerful punches and kicks, soon, the boulder broke.
    Reginald swiftly grabbed Zorro and flew out of the cave, dropping Zorro on the top of a tree.


    About a minute later, a large amount of water came shooting out of the hole in the cliff, along with 4 Sandslash, and a Rhyperior.
    "How dare you!? We will get you someday! This I swear!" The Rhyperior shouted as the 5 pokemon plummeted into a small pond.
    "Well, that Rhyperior must have been the one who pushed the boulder back." Reginald said as he landed in a tree next to the one Zorro was in.
    "Is everyone after us?!" Zorro asked in a shocked voice, when a Golbat came flying out of the cave, landing on the tree on the opposite side of Zorro.
    "Yes, in case you didn't know, anyone who turns in an aura pokemon, or a Ditto, like Joey, will get 50$ per aura pokemon." The Golbat said, obviously being Joey.
    "Okay then, so what do we do now?" Zorro asked with a puzzled face.
    "Well, if we can get all the main aura pokemon to help us, we might just be able to stop Genesect, now normally, the three of us would be able to take on Genesect alone, but he's taken over the mighty Arceus, so we need the legendary aura pokemon." Reginald said as Joey went back to looking like a Ditto.


    "So that'd be, which legends exactly?" Zorro asked again.
    "Ooh, ooh, Joey knows! Joey knows!" Joey said hopping up and down excitedly.
    "Um, okay, Joey, you tell Zorro the aura legends." Reginald said as he took one of his wings,put it to his head, and sighed loudly.
    "Okay, Joey will tell you. There is Mew, the mighty legend, Mewtwo, Mew's re-made form, Dialga, the ruler of time, Palkia, the controller of space, and the banished Giratina." Joey said in a somewhat stern voice.
    "Unfortunately, Dialga has traveled through time to avoid Arceus, Palkia has people trying to attack him everywhere on Earth, Giratina is in the Distortion World, which will be almost impossible to reach, nobody has seen Mew for thousands of years, and Mewtwo has been captured by Team Rocket, it's original creators." Reginald said in a worried tone.
    "So it will be practically impossible to do this, right?" Zorro said looking between his two new friends, "But at least we know where Mewtwo is, we should start there." He quickly said second after his previous statement.
    "Then to Team Rocket headquarters it is." Reginald said brightly.
    "But how will Joey and friends get there?" Joey asked with a curious face.
    "That's the real question Joey, isn't it." Zorro said as he leaped off the tree and landed on the ground.
    "That is the real question."
    Last edited by Burakoru; 9th August 2011 at 11:20 PM.
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  11. #11
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bekidding View Post
    Chapter 2: Where to Start
    One of the Sandslash fired a Mud Shot towards Zorro, who quickly fired an Aura Sphere to counter it, and then used a Dragon Pulse.
    "Zorro, Reginald, you both better get out of here, Joey is gonna fire a Surf attack with the power of Quagsire!" Joey shouted as he began a Surf attack.
    "Zorro, use Close Combat to break boulder, now!" Reginald screamed as he fought back a Mud Shot with an Air Slash.
    Zorro nodded, and repeatedly hit the rock with powerful punches and kicks, soon, the boulder broke.
    Reginald swiftly grabbed Zorro and flew out of the cave, dropping Zorro on the top of a tree.


    About a minute later, a large amount of water came shooting out of the hole in the cliff, along with 4 Sandslash, and a Rhyperior.
    "How dare you!? We will get you someday! This I swear!" The Rhyperior shouted as the 5 pokemon plummeted into a small pond.
    "Well, that Rhyperior must have been the one who pushed the boulder back." Reginald said as he landed in a tree next to the one Zorro was in.
    "Is everyone after us?!" Zorro asked in a shocked voice, when a Golbat came flying out of the cave, landing on the tree on the opposite side of Zorro.
    "Yes, in case you didn't know, anyone who turns in an aura pokemon, or a Ditto, like Joey, will get 50$ per aura pokemon." The Golbat said, obviously being Joey.
    "Okay then, so what do we do now?" Zorro asked with a puzzled face.
    "Well, if we can get all the main aura pokemon to help us, we might just be able to stop Genesect, now normally, the three of us would be able to take on Genesect alone, but he's taken over the mighty Arceus, so we need the legendary aura pokemon." Reginald said as Joey went back to looking like a Ditto.


    "So that'd be, which legends exactly?" Zorro asked again.
    "Ooh, ooh, Joey knows! Joey knows!" Joey said hopping up and down excitedly.
    "Um, okay, Joey, you tell Zorro the aura legends." Reginald said as he took one of his wings and, did put it to his head, and sighed loudly.
    "Okay, Joey will tell you. There is Mew, the mighty legend, Mewtwo, Mew's re-made form, Dialga, the ruler of time, Palkia, the controller of space, and the banished Giratina." Joey said in a somewhat stern voice.
    "Unfortunately, Dialga has traveled through time to avoid Arceus, Palkia has people trying to attack him everywhere in the on Earth, Giratina is in the Distortion World, which will be almost impossible to reach, nobody has seen Mew for thousands of years, and Mewtwo has been captured by Team Rocket, it's original creators." Reginald said in a worried tone.
    "So it will be practically impossible to do this, right?" Zorro said looking between his two new friends, "But at least we know where Mewtwo is, we should start there." He quickly said second after his previous statement.
    "Then to Team Rocket headquarters it is." Reginald said brightly.
    "But how will Joey and friends get there?" Joey asked with a curious face.
    "That's the real question Joey, isn't it." Zorro said as he leaped off the tree and landed on the ground.
    "That is the real question."
    All things that should be added in bold and things that should be deleted are slashed out

  12. #12
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    Awesome paragraph!I don't see any misspeeling.Keep up the good work!
    Also can I be on the PM list?
    Special thanks to Sworn Metalhead for the epic banner.

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    Thank you Bronzong, I fixed the parts you added,
    and yes Drdj11, you may.
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    Nice!

    I like it veeeeeeerry much.

    Can I be on the PM list also?
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    Credit goes to Mew_!

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    First: Your chapters aren’t even close to long enough – check out the fan fiction rules: two pages in Word (Arial, size 12).

    I'm only reviewing the first chapter, by the way, to give you some idea of how to approach the next one you write. I read the second and thought about reviewing it, but there were a lot of the same issues so it seemed redundant.

    Just a general thing:

    You’ve got to space this out. At the end of a paragraph, hit the enter key twice, start a new one. It goes for lines of dialogue as well.

    Example:

    Here’s some description. Look, there’s a tree, and now a guy is running. Woah there, it looks like it might be about to rain. Exclamation! “That was a close one, wasn’t it, I hate rain, rain is awful.” He just tripped, fell right on his face. Now since that paragraph is over, do some spacing.

    And we’re back. “Hey, Person B.”

    “Hey, A, you gain weight? You look kind of bloated, but I digress. I’m not you and I’m talking, so here’s some more spacing.”
    Nobody wants to read a wall of text. You kind of fixed this in the second chapter, aside from the dialogue, but you should go back and edit the first chapter. The good thing about fan fiction here is you get to constantly have a reader to help you out, so you can go back and fix your mistakes for future readers. Once someone has pointed out a certain spot where you might have screwed up, there’s no excuse not to go back and clean things up. Unless there are heavy revisions you need to do, fixing up spelling/grammar/spacing errors takes no time at all.

    It was a starry but dark night in a small forest.
    End with a period, not a comma. It was probably just a typo, but still worth pointing out. “Starry but dark” doesn’t really work. You say that if the two wouldn’t be put together normally, for example “He was fat but graceful.” In a forest, you would expect stars at night.

    A Lucario traveled down a narrow path, with a Charizard making sure he didn’t escape, and a rope tied around Lucario’s neck in one of its hands.
    First, this could have easily been stretched to a paragraph of its own without seeming over done. Right now it’s kind of an awkward way to start off the story, kind of heavy handed if that makes sense to you. If you want to be a doctor, you don’t rush to give someone brain surgery, you go to medical school first. This scene should be intense solely based on what you’re describing, but it’s rushed so none of it really gets to sink in. By the end it completely falls apart. A big part of this is your love affair with commas. You could have ended the first sentence after “making sure he didn’t escape.” Then you could completely rework the second part, which is extremely awkward to read for reasons a smarter person than me would be good at explaining.

    In front of him stood a podium, with a guillotine, and a Crawdaunt.
    Crawdaunt can learn Guillotine. I’m not entirely sure why one needs to be there.

    "Mister Zorro, the Lucario, you have been sentenced to death, by having the power of aura. Do you deny having the power of the aura?" He spoke in a deep and cruel voice.
    Overly formal. In court, we don’t say “Michael Bluth, the Human,” and it was already established that Zorro is a Lucario so it wasn’t needed to give exposition. By the way, I like how you try to throw some description into sentences a little bit at a time, that’s a good habit to pick up. It’s kind of stiff right now, though, but it’s something that gets improved as you write and read more, so it’s nothing to worry about too much.

    Suddenly, a figure swiftly flew by and a blade of air sliced the rope, inches by Flinn's fingertips.
    First, I have no clue what a blade of air is, but it sounds completely awesome. Doesn’t really make sense to me, though. And again, you really, need to work, on your comma usage.

    "Well, don't just stand there. After him! I'll finish the work on the Lucario!"
    The one time you don’t use a comma you actually need one.

    This is a recurring thing so I won’t attach it to any particular part of the story: you keep saying “the [Pokemon]”, when a lot of the time you could just cut out the “the” and just use the Pokemon’s name.

    Then, Crawdaunt came straight after Zorro; with nothing holding him back, Zorro fired an Aura Sphere, and used Extreme Speed to make a break for it.
    Just like I mentioned at the beginning, don’t be afraid to take your time with a scene. This could have been a lot more than a single sentence, which would have helped you with the two page minimum. It’s an action scene but you can barely tell since it’s so bare bones. Action scenes in movies aren’t rushed through in a minute or two, action scenes in your fan fiction shouldn’t be either. Same with anything you write: don’t rush it. Don’t draw it out for an excruciatingly long time either, though. You have to find a balance between the two, which takes some experimentation on your end. The next bit you wrote, same thing, it’s far too rushed. You can’t be BAM, BAM, BAM about things unless you’ve got a really good grasp on writing and knowing how to tell a story. You need some breaks, you need some description, you need to let the readers know how the characters are feeling as all of this happens.

    "Who are you, and why did you save me?" Zorro asked.
    He’s asking the question, not saying it. And oh boy this should be exciting. We finally find out who the mysterious guy is? Awesome!

    ”I am Reginald the Tokekiss,” he said as he appeared into the light, to prove he was a Togekiss.
    Or not. I might be being a little blunt here, but you kind of sapped all the suspense from that, he doesn’t dramatically turn around, no long introduction, no candles, no music, no surprised chorus, the lack of spacing doesn’t help either, but I’ve already been there, and I’m, not into redundancy, or using periods. You’ve got some redundancy going on, by the way, which I fixed in bold. He says his name is Reginald, you don’t need to write that Reginald is speaking a few words later to remind us. The “he turned around to prove he was a Togekiss” was odd as well. Why does he need to prove that he’s a Togekiss? Is that a rare Pokemon in this world, or a really powerful one? If I’m wearing a hat, I don’t say that I have black hair and then take the hat off to prove it. It’s unnecessarily dramatic.

    Fine. All I know is that Genesect has taken over the mighty Arceus. The only thing that could have stopped Genesect’s reign of terror was the power of aura. So Genesect or Arceus, or whoever it was, banned aura, and have sentenced all of its masters and the ones who will soon be able to learn it to death.
    Woah there Captain Exposition.

    I can’t even say that much because I don’t know what I just read. If you’re going to go balls to the wall and throw that much information at us, make sure all of it makes sense. Really, all I can offer as advice is read what you wrote. I fixed it up as much as I could but it’s still a mess. You changed tense mid-way through, by the way, which just increased the oddness of it all. A little thing – rain is the stuff that makes it annoying to drive. “Reign” is the word you’re looking for.

    Sorry, but that’s really as far as I can go with this. Maybe it’s because I’ve been up way too long, but the rest makes no sense to me at all. You’re throwing thing after thing after thing at us with no room for us to breathe or take it in.

    In general:

    Don’t be afraid to elaborate. You throw these little sentences at us and then rush onto the next one. It seems like you tossed about fifty plot twists into this chapter, but none of them had the effect they should have because you rushed onto something else almost immediately. The same goes for the action scenes you had. You keep saying Aura Spheres are getting tossed around. They seem like a pretty big deal, but you never described them or why they were so dangerous. “Aura Sphere” could be a fancy word for a ping pong ball for all I know. It seems like you have all of these ideas and you can’t write them down fast enough. Which is a great thing, by the way, you just need to learn how to rein it in so the readers will know what the hell you’re talking about. It got especially out of control at the end; like I said, I honestly am not sure what you’re talking about. I feel like I just watched the second Transformers movie.

    Don’t, use, so many, commas. This was a huge distraction while reading. Generally you use commas to separate a list of three or more things or connect two independent clauses. You don’t just throw them in whenever you think you should. Either start a new sentence, or in some cases use “;”.
    Last edited by Antithesis; 11th August 2011 at 2:15 AM.
    Here’s to the crazy ones. The rebels. The troublemakers. The ones who see things differently. While some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do.

  16. #16
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    Chapter 3: A Cold Cave
    "Well, according to some resources, Team Rocket has hideouts all over the Kanto and Johto regions." Reginald notified as Zorro began scaling the cliff.

    "Hm, I see a town towards the north, if we head there, we might be able to find out how to get to one of those two regions you mentioned Reginald." Zorro said as he reached the top of the cliff.

    "Well then, lets go!" Joey said as he began to transform into a Ledian and Togekiss flew up and grabbed Lucario in the same manor as usual.

    The trio flew towards the small town, they looked towards the right as they were landing in the town to see a small cave, with a Jynx and a couple Swinub walking into it.
    As they landed, a Dodrio ran up to them, the middle head looking at the trio, the other heads looking around as if trouble was near.

    "You three, you are in big trouble, head to the ice cave if you know what's good for you!" The middle head said.
    At the same time, Joey was reverting back to Ditto.

    "Aw, why do we have to run away, it's so saddening." The left head whined as it drooped it's head down towards the ground.

    The third head was about to speak, but a Charizard flew in and blasted a Fire Blast at the Dodrio's feet.

    "Run Away!" The middle head screamed as the Dodrio ran to the cave Reginald, Zorro, and Joey had seen as they'd flown in.

    "You!? Well well, looks like I'm gonna enjoy this." The Charizard said as he flew towards Zorro and fired a Flamethrower.

    "Guys, we have to get out of here, come on, to the cave!" Reginald shouted.

    The trio bolted for the cave, as the Charizard sealed it up with a Rock Slide.


    "Joey finds it odd that the mean Charizard that was trying to kill us would block the exit." Joey said with a surprised look on his face.

    "That's because it's a trap!" An unknown figure said.

    "Hold on!" Reginald said, just after saying that, he used the move Flash to brighten the cave, and show the figure was the Jynx they had seen entering the cave.

    "Joey finds this quite odd, why is a lady trying to catch us, it seems like a man's job." Joey said to the others.

    "I am a man! It's not my fault Arceus made me look like this!" The Jynx yelled, causing an icicle to collapse and almost hit Reginald.
    The Jynx fired an Ice Beam towards Joey, who was transforming into a Sneasel.
    "Joey!" Zorro yelled, but Joey was focusing on transforming.
    Zorro ran in front of the Ice Beam, and fired a Flamethrower at the Ice Beam.

    The Ice Beam melted and the Flamethrower kept going straight towards Jynx, and hit directly.

    "I'm melting! I'm melting! No wait, I'm not." The Jynx said, at first acting like it was perishing, but then acting sarcastic.

    Joey finished transforming, and used Night Slash on the Jynx.

    "Guys, lets go!" Joey said as he dashed away while the Jynx was getting up.

    The trio managed to get away before Jynx could get up, and they made it out of the cave, to arrive in a small route, with a tree holding some Apricorn fruit.

    "Hey cool, Apricorn fruit, I'm gonna hold on to it, we might get hungry later on." Zorro said as he plucked an apricorn from the tree.

    "There's a town right over there, lets go." Reginald said while he flew towards the town.

    Reginald was first to arrive at the town, it was quite small. All that could be seen there were a small gym, a pokemart, a pokemon center, and a house with a broken antennae there.

    Zorro let out a small yawn. "I'm getting tired, we should head to the Pokemon Center and take a stop for the day." Zorro said as he let out another yawn.

    "Agreed, Joey agrees to that idea." Joey said as Zorro and Reginald began walking into the pokemon center.

    "Excuse me, could we sleep here?" Reginald asked the Chansey at the counter.

    "Well of course, that's what pokemon centers are for!" The Chansey said with a smile on it's face.

    "Thanks." Zorro said bluntly.

    The trio headed downstairs and made their own little beds out of straw and easily fell asleep.

    Late that night, Reginald woke up, to see Zorro wasn't there, meanwhile, Joey was fast asleep, mumbling random things in his sleep.
    Reginald headed upstairs and outside, to see Zorro staring at the moon atop the house with the broken antennae.


    "Is everything okay Zorro?" Reginald asked as he landed on the roof next to Zorro.

    "Yeah, it's just, we're in this big battle right?" Zorro asked as he sat down.

    "Yes, that's true." Reginald replied.

    "But, why did you pick me to help you? There are thousands of other Lucarios around, why me?" Zorro asked as he stared at Reginald, longing for an answer.

    "Well, I did check out other Lucarios and aura pokemon before you, but I'm looking for the one who's good at heart. When I saw you fending off the people, protecting your people. I knew you were the perfect person to help us, strong at heart, a worthy fighter, willing to sacrifice himself for the ones he loves." Reginald said.

    "I guess that makes sense." Zorro said as he started staring back at the moon. "Well, that's that."
    Suddenly, Zorro fell through the roof and landed in the small house, there was a stairway there. "Hm, interesting to have a stairway like this here." Zorro said as Reginald flew in through the hole.

    "Tomorrow we should check it out." Reginald responded as he looked at the stairway.

    "Agreed, tomorrow we'll check it out, but for now, we should head to bed." Zorro replied.
    Then, the two headed back to the pokemon center, and went back to sleep.

    End of chapter 3
    __________________________________________________ _______________
    The Guillotine was to kill Zorro, the fact Crawdaunt learns it was sheer coincidence.
    Last edited by Burakoru; 11th August 2011 at 9:46 PM.
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  17. #17
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    Aweome chapter.Can't wait to see more!
    Special thanks to Sworn Metalhead for the epic banner.

  18. #18
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    Interesting story right now, though Reginald and Zorro seem kinda cliche and I think that the story should've started at the beginning but still interesting nonetheless.

  19. #19
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    I really like this story.I really liked the part where they fought the jynx,It was funny.I think that you could add more charcters it would be more intresting that way.but Still its pretty good.
    Last edited by Ropav; 12th August 2011 at 6:20 PM.
    Forever alone! This Lone Wolf keeps on fighting!
    "I don't want to be alone, I just want to be left alone!"

    credit goes to internet for image

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    Chapter 4: The Mechanical One
    The next morning, Joey woke up to see Reginald and Zorro were already cleaning up their beds of straw.
    "What are you two doing?" Joey asked as Zorro finished putting away the last straws.

    "We found a secret base of some sorts in the small house earlier." Zorro said as he sat down, and Joey began picking up his bed's remains.

    "Yeah, we're gonna go investigate it once we're done cleaning up." Reginald replied as he put down the last straws.
    Joey finished cleaning up, and the three of them headed to the small house.

    "Hey look, a sign, Joey sees a sign!" Joey replied as he read said sign. "Apparently this is a Team Rocket hideout." Joey said bluntly.

    "Well then, we should head in." Reginald said as he flew inside.
    With Reginald leading, the three pokemon went inside the house, and down the fore-mentioned staircase.
    They arrived in a long pathway, with large statues of Persians, with glowing red eyes.

    "Hm, the Persian statues are creepy." Joey said, he transformed into a small Cyndaquil, and fired a Smokescreen.
    Reginald and Zorro gasped in surprise as the smoke cleared, and lasers appeared in a straight line, from the eyes of each statue, to the wall in front of him.

    "Of course," Reginald said in a know-it-all tone, "Smoke reacting lasers, obviously something happens when anything touches them, but a Team Rocket forgot a smokescreen can cause the lasers to glow a red light, showing exactly where they are."

    "Well, there's only one way to find out what they do." Zorro quietly said, Joey passed him a rock, and he and threw it at the laser nearest them. It made direct contact. Suddenly, the stone statue became an actual Persian, who leaped from it's post and slashed at Joey unexpectantly.

    "Ack!" Joey screamed as the Persian slashed at him.
    Zorro immediately rushed up to the Persian and began beating it up, not caring about his defenses, and smacked Persian into three more sets of lasers. Three more Persians leaped from their posts, and targeted the other Persian.

    "Well, that's a little bizarre." Reginald said as he watched the cat fight.

    "Aha! I got it," Zorro said as he stuck a finger in the air, "They're DNA sensitive, they attack the thing that has had the most DNA upon said item."

    "Ah, it makes so much sense! Joey passed Zorro the rock, but held it longer, and what has more DNA on Persian, than Persian itself!?" Reginald said as he swiftly flew over to the cat fight, and threw one of the persians into the rest of the other lasers.

    "Great, now lets move!" Zorro replied as he rushed past the other lasers that had been disactivated.

    They arrived in yet another room, filled with all sorts of heads on the wall, of dead pokemon.

    "Joey thinks that these guys love collecting pokemon heads." Joey said as he stared at one of a Pikachu.

    "Well, lets just keep moving." Zorro said, he continued walking past the heads, until a might beast appeared and said in a robotic voice, "You may now meet your doom."
    The figure moved closer and revealed a cyborg Purugly.

    "I am..." The Purugly began to say, but Joey quickly interrupted.

    "Terminator!?" Joey quickly said.

    "No, I am..." The Purugly said with a sigh,

    "Killgor!?" Joey once again screamed.

    "No, I am..." once again the Purugly said, looking slightly annoyed,

    "A Purugly!" Joey once more said.

    "Yes, and NO! I am," The Purugly said, just as Joey was about to open his mouth, the Purugly quickly screamed "The Mechanical One!", and gasped for air.

    "And this is news because?" Reginald said in a slightly snobby tone.

    'I am here, to terminate you." The Mechanical One said in a robotic voice.

    "Joey told you he was Terminator." Joey said with a slight nod.

    "Gr, that's it, for all that, you're first to go." The Mechanical One said as he quickly Slashed at Joey.

    Zorro then fired a Dragon Pulse from his gaping mouth, and Reginald shot a blade of powerful air.

    The Mechanical One swiftly dodged it, and fired a Slash at Zorro, and a Take Down on Reginald.
    The Mechanical One then used a Crunch on Joey as he was transforming into a Kadabra.

    "He's too powerful!" Reginald screamed as The Mechanical One knocked both Joey and Zorro out cold in a single Slash.

    "Ha ha, two down, one pitiful Togekiss to go!" The Mechanical One said in a deep and frightening voice.
    Suddenly, a scream was heard, but not of terror, more like a war call. A beam of energy suddenly shot at The Mechanical One, and the Purugly flew out crashing into a small chamber, revealing all sorts of potions on small podiums.
    The mysterious figure that had saved Reginald's life was cloaked in a green hoodie, it handed Reginald two Sitrus berries, and pointed at Zorro and Joey.

    Reginald quickly rushed to the two fainted pokemon with the Sitrus Berries in wing, and fed one each to the two. Immediatly, both awoke, and bolted upright.

    "What happened?" Joey asked seeming still dazed.

    "This mysterious figure saved us." Reginald said as he pointed to the hooded pokemon who had fired the Solarbeam.

    "Who are you?" Zorro asked the figure as he picked himself up.
    Then, the hooded figure began to speak, in a voice soft as silk,

    "I am..."

    End of Chapter 4

    Now for Author's Notes.
    Firstly, thanks for all the comments,
    Secondly, indeed, I will be adding more characters, as you see this chapter,
    Thirdly, I just noticed LeafStormFire's post, and yes, you're added to PM list.
    Fourthly, I'm sure everyone's wondering who this mysterious savior is, well that's for me to know, and you to find out in Chapter 5, maybe even 6 if I feel like it.
    Last edited by Burakoru; 13th August 2011 at 9:55 AM.
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  21. #21
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    I like this story it's cool. It not terribly long and easy to understand.


    Put me on the PM list.

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    Chapter 5: The Mysterious Figure
    The Mechanical One leaped out from the secret room, and slashed at the mysterious being.
    Zorro quickly knocked the Purugly on the head, and threw him back out to the room with the Persians, where he ran into 5 or 6 lasers, and a load of Persians leaped at The Mechanical One.
    "As I was saying," The mysterious person said, "I'm Heather." The mysterious creature said as she took off her cloak to reveal a Whimsicott.

    "Well, thanks for saving us." Zorro said as he was about to leave.

    "Why are you here anyway?" Heather asked as she looked at the three men.

    "Well, it's classified." Zorro said as once again he motioned to leave.

    "We're here to stop Arceus from his heinous crimes of killing aura pokemon, and we're searching for the legendary pokemon." Joey said as he rushed up to the Whimsicott.

    "Ha, you too? Well, I need some help, hard doing it alone." Heather said quietly. "What do you say?" Heather asked.
    The three main characters walked over alone in a huddle.

    "I dunno, I say she doesn't go." Zorro said in a distrusting voice.

    "I think she's nice, she should come." Joey said in a loud voice.

    "Well, it's up to Reginald, does she go, or stay?" Zorro asked as he and Joey stared at Reginald.

    "Well, she did save us. I say she stays." Reginald said as he did a nod and a look back at Heather.
    Zorro leaned closer to Joey and whispered into his ear,

    "He's just saying so because he likes her."

    "Well, I guess you're coming with us." Zorro said as once again motioned to leave.
    This time, everyone followed Zorro.

    "Well, what's our goal?" Heather asked.

    "We're gonna have to find the legends of aura, Mewtwo, which is who we're searching for first, Mew, Dialga, Palkia, and Giratina." Reginald answered.

    "Hmm, it seems almost impossible, doesn't it?" Heather once again asked.

    "Yes, but so is Arceus having aura pokemon killed." Zorro said as he looked away from Heather.

    "I get a feeling he's not a fan of me." Heather answered as they walked out of the hideout.

    "So where next? Joey wants to know!" Joey asked in an excited tone.

    "Well, I'm not sure, we should keep going West." Zorro said as he pointed towards the east exit from the town.

    "Hmm, good idea. We should fly over the mountain though." Reginald said as he flew over and grabbed Heather.
    Joey transformed into a Charizard and grabbed Zorro.

    "Hm, yeah, he definetly likes her, he usually grabs me." Zorro said as he nodded his head.

    "She seems nice." Joey said with a bright usual Joey smile.

    "Eh, I still don't trust her." Zorro replied.

    Eventually the gang crossed a town with a smoldering tower, atop the tower they saw a group of Houndours and Houndoom howling at the moon.
    They continued in flight until they reached a large town with a radio station and a large shopping center, where they decided to land.

    "Here, as a token of my appreciation for letting me help you guys, here's some money we can use to buy stuff in the shop." Heather said as she passed everyone some money and walked into the shop.

    Once inside, everyone rushed to go buy something, Joey decided to buy a Carbos to raise his speed in battle, Reginald bought four cans of lemonade, and Zorro bought a TM that helped him learn the move Focus Blast.
    After which, they all headed to the Pokemon Center, Reginald gave everyone their Lemonades to enjoy, and they all fell asleep.

    The next morning, Zorro awoke to the sounds of a radio, he climbed out of bed, to notice the others were already upstairs. He sluggishly scaled the stairs to see everyone around a small radio.

    "What's going on?" Zorro asked as he rubbed his eye. A little Mincinno shushed him and told him to listen, so Zorro did just that.
    The radio had a deep voice emitting from it, and it began to speak.
    "All of the world, fear the might of Team Rocket, we have captured Mewtwo and are planning to use him to take over the world! This is Team Rocket, and next, some melodious tunes with Mr. Higgins."

    Afterwards, some Beethoven began to blare from the radio. Zorro, Joey, Reginald, and Heather immediately made a break for it, and began to walk towards the Radio Station.

    "Well, this is the best lead we have, we best go investigate." Reginald said as he stared at the large tower with the antennae on top.
    Last edited by Burakoru; 16th August 2011 at 6:21 PM.
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  23. #23
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    Great chapter BK!

    I thought the Pokemon just walking into a pokemart and buying TM's and stuff just seems weird though...
    [IMG]http://i51.*******.com/11lihjr.gif[/IMG][IMG]http://i51.*******.com/11lihjr.gif[/IMG][IMG]http://i51.*******.com/11lihjr.gif[/IMG][IMG]http://i51.*******.com/11lihjr.gif[/IMG]
    [IMG]http://i43.*******.com/11i1u8j.png[/IMG]

    Credit to Mew_ for the banner and pokemon player for the Growlithe Lickies.

  24. #24
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    Love it!

    The only thing was when Heather said something "silently" at the beginning. Silent is completely no noise. So how did she speak? :O Maybe quietly or softly would fit better.
    [IMG]http://i41.*******.com/r2uyd0.png[/IMG]


    Credit goes to Mew_!

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    Thanks for the comments,
    and yeah, it does seem kind of weird, I just wanted something for them to do in Goldenrod before they rush to the tower,
    and thanks, I fixed that flaw.
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