Rated PG-13 for violence and some language.
Description: Gurren Lagann WITH MONS. Also a whole bunch of other cameos, but it takes place firmly in the pokemon world, with all its rules. Except for the ones that get broken by going beyond the impossible.
WARNING: THE FOLLOWING IS VERY SILLY. AND I DON'T OWN ANY OF THE CHARACTERS. BUT ITS A PARODY I GUESS SO THAT DOESN'T MATTER.
CHAPTER ONE: ALL MY CHAPTER TITLES WILL BE MEMES THAT HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH THE STORY, EXCEPT THIS ONE WHICH IS NOTHING
"JUST WHAT THE HELL KIND OF POKEMON TRAINERS DO YOU THINK WE ARE?
WE ARE TEAM DIA-GURREN! WE KICK REASON TO THE CURB AND DO THE IMPOSSIBLE! NOW GO! GURRANLAGANNMON!
GURRANLAGANNMON RACES ACROSS THE FIELD, ITS MIGHTY FISTS OF JUSTICE STRETCHED BEFORE IT AND ITS AWESOME CAPE BILLOWING BEHIND IT, AND-"
"Kamina, what the hell? You know damn well pokemon don't have clothes! And whats a Gurranlaganmon? That's not one of the pokemon the teacher told us about! Seriously, pretending is one thing, but this is to much, its just your last name!. If you want me and Chika to play with you, at least come up with a real pokemon for Simon to be."
"Torchic!" Agreed the little bird pokemon standing next to Yoko, her constant companion for years.
Yoko sighed. Yet again, Kamina was coming up with utter nonsense during their play time. Honestly, a gurranlaganmon?
"Oh com'on Yoko, I was havin' fun! Don't be like that to big bro."
Simon (That's pronounced SEE-moan, not SIGH-mughn) looked up at Yoko pleadingly, adjusting his goggles on top of his head. They were to big for the five year old boy, but he always wore them anyway. As she was ten years old, Yoko was quite a bit a taller then Simon, but she was shorter then the blue haired boy that ran up to her to stand next to Simon. This boy had a manic grin on his face, his red eyes sparkling with life and mischief. He was Kamina, a ten year old like Yoko.
Clapping Simon on the back, Kamina grinned widely, "Aw come on Yoko, gurrenlaganmon is a pokemon me and little bro made up together! Whats the point of pretending if you can't make something up!"
Kamina had a few inches on Yoko, the result of a growth spurt that left his clothes a bit to small for him, his pants were halfway to being shorts and his t-shirt was just a bit to small for him. He and Simon were both barefoot in the dirt of the field behind their school, the mid-morning sun shining through pillars of the dust the boys had kicked up on the playground.
Yoko sighed and straightened the ponytail she had her long red hair in. Kamina was always pulling stunts, and Simon was always right behind him. It would do the younger brother good to get out of his older brothers shadow for once.
"Oh come on Kamina, if your going to make me be the gym leader every time, at least come up with a pokemon I can know what to do against! You should be studying your pokemon types harder instead of just making up your own in trainers class. You know were both testing to get our trainers license tomorrow. Your never going to pass if you just make up answers for the test."
"NEVER! I am KAMINA! I will kick reason to the curb and go beyond the impossible! My burning passion will always over come any obstical my foes can throw at me."
"That's right big bro! You can do it!"
"Right. Unless your opponent has a water type pokemon. Then you're just going to get hosed off."
"HA! The burning spirit of team Gurren Lagann cannot be quenched with mere water! We are men, and men fight their battles until the very end!"
"You tell her big bro! Go team Gurren Lagann!"
The two brothers leaped straight up into the air, giving each other a massive high five as a lens flare was created between their colliding palms. Just as they were at the apex of their flight, a new voice interrupted and sent them crashing to the earth and destroying their lens flare.
"HA! You losers don't even have a pokemon! How is your team gurren dumbann supposed to do anything?"
Kamina managed to pull off a perfect landing, but Simon ended up with his face in the dirt. Grabbing his little bro by the leg, Kamina lifted Simon up and shook off the dirt.
"That's TEAM Gurren Dumbann to you Kittan." Kamina seemed unphased, his eyes still sparkling with enthusiasm.
Another boy in Yoko and Kamina's class, Kittan had decided long ago that Kamina was going to be his always lagging behind rival and that Yoko was suitable for his romantic interest. Unfortunately for Kittan even though he is a major cannon character that OMGSPOILERS lasted a whole season and a half longer then Kamina OMG NO SPOILERS, his name is not in the title so the chances of him being the HERO in this story are rather slim.
Managing to right himself and standing up, Simon let his goggles fall over his eyes. Simon's goggles did not actually let him break the forth wall, but he thought his big bro was a HERO anyway.
"Uh, big bro, I thought it was Team Gurren Lagann."
"Right you are little bro!"
"But you said-"
Striking a dramatic pose and allowing the dramatic wind to swirl his t-shirt (Kamina always had a cape on in his mind, though in reality it was just a t-shirt), Kamina knew full well he was a HERO, though probably not for any reasons a clinical psychologist would consider sound.
"AS LONG AS OUR SPIRIT BURNS SIMON IT MATTERS NOT WHAT OUR NAME IS! BELIEVE IN THE KAMINA THAT BELIEVES IN YOU! WE WILL ALWAYS FIGHT FOR LOVE AND JUSTICE!"
"Whatever. You losers couldn't fight your way out of a paper bag. Oh wait, you don't even have a pokemon. Only Yoko does, which is why me and her are going to go on an adventure once we get our trainers licenses! Right King?"
"Elekid!" King the Elekid was Kitan's pokemon that he had been toting around outside its pokeball ever since it had been given to him on his 10th birthday.
"IN YOUR DREAMS LOSER"
Yoko's fist slammed into Kittan's face, sending the deluded boy across the playground.
"HA! Thats right Kittan! Yoko's coming with me on MY POKEMON ADVENTURE!"
"THIS IS FOR GOOD MEASURE!"
And Kamina joined Kittan in the dust. Wait, isn't this pokemon? Aren't they supposed to be doing the fighting instead of the characters? And how are these kids getting away with physical violence on the playground of a school? PLOT ARMOR THAT'S HOW.
Jumping up out of the dust, Kittan's eyes watered as he nursed the massive throbbing bruise on his forehead.
"Hey! You hit pretty hard for a girl! Lets settle this with a pokemon battle! You and me Kamina! If I win Yoko has to go with ME! And if you win she can go with you. Of course, if you can't even get a pokemon, theres not going to be any fight! She can just go with me!"
"OH I DON"T THINK SO!"
Flames emanated from Yoko's eyes, and everyone except Kamina cringed in terror.
"I'll fight you myself! I'm going on my OWN adventure and I am no side kick!"
"Well then, it looks like I get two chances huh King?"
Then the air was shattered by an ear piercing noise that reduced all the children to tears and made the souls of men weep.
It was the end of lunch recess bell. Simon and Kamina gave each other manly hugs to steady their resolve to finish the abomination known as the last two hours of school on a Friday. Godspeed boys.
Yoko pointed an outstretched finger in Kittan's face, her fire dimmed by the bell but not extinguished.
"This isn't over Kittan! You and me, right here, after school! BE THERE! Come on Chika, back in your pokeball."
"Torrrrrcccciiiiicccckkk." The little pokemon looked up at Yoko with her very best puppy dog eyes, but it was no use.
"Sorry Chika, you know the rules." And with that Yoko returned Chika to her pokeball, which had been decorated by several stickers of flames and rather large looking guns that formed a smiley face.
"HA! King doeskin need to go back into his pokeball, he can just follow me around where ever he-"
"KITTAN! WHAT HAS MOTHER TOLD YOU ABOUT THAT! I SHOULD TAKE KING RIGHT NOW!"
"Ele eh..." King face paled, yet again he was going to get in trouble over the pokeball...
Kiyoh stood over the children, her eyes dark with anger as she lifted Kittan off his feet. Normally she would be younger then Kittan, but in a minute you will see why shes not in this Universe.
"B-b-b-b-big sis! I was just kidding, look back in your pokeball king. See? All gone. Please don't tell mom..."
"YOUR LUCKY SHES ABSENT FROM CANNON SO SHE WON'T BE MAKING AN APPEARANCE YOU TWERP! OTHERWISE YOU WOULD BE IN SERIOUS OFF SCREEN TROUBLE!"
As a teacher, Kiyoh had the power to break the fourth wall at will since she was well educated in many genres.
"What seems to be the trouble Ms. Bachika? My students giving you trouble?"
Dayakka, one of the few characters to get a happy ending and the reason Kiyoh is in her twenties, appeared to move the plot along.
Blushing, Kiyou dropped her brother flat on his pokeball. "Oh not at all Mr. Dayakka. I was just here to take Simon back to Kindergarten, were learning our short vowel sounds and caterpie evolutions today. Come on Simon, back to class!"
"Yes Ms. Bachika."
Turning to his students, Dayakka sighed. "Try not to get into to much trouble during class kids. We have an important visitor who will be talking about your pokemon licenses this afternoon instead of social studies."
"Yes Mr. Dayakka." The three children did their best to look innocent, though only Yoko pulled it off. Kamina just looked slightly manic and Kittan looked nervous.
After a quick scene change everyone was back in class in their desks. At the head of the class stood a giant of a man with strange eyes. He was dressed in a gigantic white lab coat that looked like it could double as a tent. His head was totally bald, and a thick manly beard hung from his chin. Next to him stood a small girl with rainbow colored hair.
"Class, this is Professor Baobab Lordgenome, and his daughter Nina. He is here to talk to you about your trainers license test, which he will be administering as an official pokemon league representative. "
"Thank you Mr. Dayakka. How many of you children are ten years old or will be ten years old tomorrow when the test is administered?"
About three quarters of the class raised their hands.
"Most excellent. Another question. How many of you already own a pokemon?"
Almost everyone's hands shot into the air.
"Now, who can tell me why you are allowed to own pokemon before you get a trainers license? Young lady with the red hair."
Yoko stood up, holding out her pokeball.
"Because pokemon are more then just tools for trainers, they are our friends and pets too. Chika has been my friend for a while now and she's never had a pokemon battle."
"Exactly. But don't interrupt me again. While a license is important, you do not need one to own a pokemon. What does a license do for you? Young man with the blue hair."
Jumping up on his desk, Kamina puffed out his chest as best he could and struck a dramatic pose, one hand pointing straight up.
"A license is a MANS badge of HONOR that allows him to FIGHT for GREAT JUSTICE. With it you make take your pokemon to new heights, kicking reason tot he curb and doing the impossible!"
Giggles from the students, and an embarrassed Mr. Dayakka trying to motion Kamina down from the desk.
"I.. See. The class clown I take it? What is your name young man?"
"I am KAMINA! I am going to go on a great journey with my Pokemon and make my name famous throughout the world! I will find the passion burning within each pokemon and unleash it!"
Laughter and frantic motions from the teacher, and Kamina was STILL holding his pose.
"Interesting, would you see me after class Kamina? I would like to talk to you for a moment. Regardless, Kamina has at least gotten to the heart of what many people see a trainers license. Nia, if you would."
The girl with the rainbow hair nodded and held up three pokeballs. "Yes father."
From them sprang thee pokemon, an Eevee, a Flarion and a Leafeon.
"Who can tell me what this first pokemon is?" Asked Lordgenome, indicating the Eevee.
"It's an Eevee, duh." Kittan smirked.
WHAM! A large metal chain struck Kitan in the head, knocking him out of his chair. Fullfilling the wish of MANY teachers after an especially hectic day.
Calmly recoiling the chain around his arm, the professor reminded the class, "You should raise your hands if you wish to speak in class. But yes, this is an Eevee. Would anyone else care to shout out what the other two pokemon are? No? Excellent. Nia, if you would explain then."
"Yes, father. This pokemon here is flareon, its a fire type pokemon. It evolves from Eevee. This pokemon is a leafeon, a grass type that also evolves from Eevee."
Lordgenome noded solemnly. "Thank you Nia. As a professor of pokemon, my specialty is the energy contained in the evolution of pokemon. I like to refer to it as spiral energy, a recursive cycle that continually expands for many different species of pokemon. Some pokemon like this Eevee can have totally different evolutions based upon the kind of spiral energy they are exposed to. Pokemon trainers seek to tap into this spiral energy, not only does it allow pokemon to evolve, it allows them to grow continually stronger and pass that strength on to their trainers. Many who obtain an pokemon trainers card seek to challenge the pokemon gyms and perhaps the elite four. I suppose many of you wish to do this. Who among you seeks to challenge the pokemon league?"
Most of the students just nervously eyed each other. If Kittan got chained for speaking up, what would they get.
Everyone gasped at Yoko as she stood at her desk, what was she THINKING?
"I will become the strongest trainer ever! I'm going to stomp the elite four and become the new pokemon champion!"
"And uh... me?" Kittan tried to hide under his desk as he timidly check to see if the chain would be visiting him again.
Everyone stared at Kamina, who was still standing on his desk. Surely he was going to challenge the pokemon league as well?
"And I will become the manliest trainer of all time! I will be the trainer that pierces the heavens with my pokemon at my side! Together our hearts will unleash a power unlike any other!"
Obviously, someone had forgotten to give Kamina his meds today.
"KAMINA GURREN-LAGANN GET DOWN FROM THERE RIGHT NOW!" KLUNCK! A gigantic math text book (the preferred weapon of discerning teachers everywhere) knocked Kamina off his perch and onto the floor.
Dragging Kamina back up into his desk, Dayakka smiled at Lordgenome "I apologize Professor Baobab, normally my class is not quite this unruly. They are just excited for the test tomorrow, that's all."
"Of course, of course. I hope they are prepared though, the life of a trainer is a harsh one. They must be prepared for the power their pokemon holds inside, and for the dangers their journey will have. Now, are there any questions."
The class was utterly silent, most of the students were glad they went to the bathroom during recess, this Professor Lordgenome was INSANE. Almost as bad as Kittan and Kamina!
"Good then. I hope you will all be pleased to hear that Nia will be joining Ms. Bachika's Kindergarten class today." An evil look came over Lordgenomes already sinister features, and his balding head caught fire. "And I hope you all know that nothing, absolutely nothing, is more precious to me then my darling daughter. Especially not your miserable lives. There are far to many humans as it is."
"Oh daddy, you're so silly!"
Nia happily hugged the giant maniac, who returned the embrace gently and fondly. All the kids in the class immediately put Nia on their "Do not bully. EVER." List, a list many of then created on the spot.
"That concludes my lecture. I will return tomorrow morning to administer your trainers license tests, do not disappoint me with low scores. A pleasure Mr. Dayakka, I will see you in the morning."
Everyone, Mr. Dayakka included, breathed a sigh of relief as Lordgenom and Nia returned their pokemon to their capsules and walked out of the room toward the kindergarten classes.
"Alright class, lets review. And if anyone gets out of their seats before the bell rings, I have plenty more math books."
After a convenient time skip, Yoko and Kittan stood across from each other in the school yard, their pokemon at their side. Kamina stood on the sidelines, watching, and wish he had a pair of cool shades to gleam in the afternoon sun.
"Your going down you freak! Chika and I are going to kick your ***!"
"The hell you are! THIS IS KING KITTAN AND WE NEVER LOSE! GO KING, QUICK ATTACK!"
Darting forward faster then the eye could see, King zig-zagged across the field and slammed into the back of Chika.
"Oh no you don't, Chika, SCRATCH!"
Chika unleashed a flurry of scratches with her talons on King, who backed off and retreated to his side of the field. The two combatants and their trainers glared at one another across the field, the tension in the air was thrumming.
"Oh hey Professor Lordgenome. You wanted to talk to me?"
"Yessssss. I do. And I think now I want to talk to your two friends as well."
"Ehhhhhh." Kittan and Yoko froze, and King and Chika tried to hide behind their trainers.
"Remind me now, Kamina was it? Isn't it not only against school rules to have a pokemon battle on school grounds, but also illegal to have a pokemon battle before you receive your trainers license. So surely, I, an official pokemon league representative, would not find two students having a battle the day before their tests. I might have to fail them on violation of league rules."
Yoko tapped her index fingers together, blushing furiously as she stared down at Chika. "We were uh..."
Kittan waved his arms as he tried to think of an answer. "Well its just that we were, uh, practicing for the trainers test!"
Yoko picked up on it immediately. "Um right of course! Ha ha ha! We just wanted to be ready for the test by testing out theory in an actual pokemon battle!"
"YOU WERE IN DIRECT VIOLATION OF THE RULES AND YOU KNOW IT!" Lordgenom towered over the two children, the veins on his neck pulsating.
"When a mans burning spirit calls out, both he and his pokemon are sworn to answer the call! Our passions spiral out of our control and we can do nothing but ride the winds of fate as we reach up to the sky!"
Kamina stood proudly between his friends and Lordgenome, his arms spread out wide as if he thought he could stop the giant man.
Lordgenome threw his head back and barked out a short laugh. "You watch far to many afternoon cartoons don't you? No wait, your vocabulary's to expansive for that. You read far to many old adventure novels dont you? Probably from the romantic period, or written by a hopeless romantic."
Kamina immediately turned bright red, the resumed his normal confidence. "Er, yes. To both of those actually. After all, a MAN must have his PASSIONS! Mine are POKEMON and BOOKs. And giant mecha shows. They are what enliven my world and give my imagination the FUEL it needs to ROCKET me to NEW HEIGHTS!"
Unfortunately, all the book learning in the world would not give Kamina an indoor voice. However, they were outside at the time, so it wasn't as bad as it will be in future chapters.
Lordgenome smiled. "Well, perhaps you all have some potential for growth after all. Finish your battle tomorrow. I am getting on in years, perhaps in the morning I will forget what I just say."
"YES SIR!" With that Yoko and Kittan both ran off as fast as they could, not daring to look back.
"Hmph. Children. The hope for future generations and the greatest source of heart ache for adults. Now Kamina, I wanted to talk with you about something. You say you seek to harness the energy of pokemon, yes? I sense great potential within you, the same energy I possessed when I was a young trainer of pokemon. I have an offer for you. If you can pass the pokemon exam tomorrow, I wiill give you a gift, provided you do me a favor. You have no pokemon of your own correct?"
"Yeah, but I won't let that stop me! I'll get a pokemon of my own somehow! A real man overcomes all obstacles, never letting his fervor die! I will get a pokemon somehow, and together we will blaze a path of glory into he future!"
"Right. Anyway, I believe you have the ability to access the spiral power within yourself and the pokemon you will train. As such, if you can pass the pokemon trainers exam, I will grant you a pokemon of your own? Is that acceptable?"
"Well duuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhh. Even if its a magikarp, I promise to unlock its power or whatever and use it on my great journey!" After all, a magikarp was better then nothing, almost.
The professors eyes gleamed sinisterly. "Oh, it won't be quite that bad Kamina, but if you seek to unlock your pokemons potential, I think my gift will be well worth the investment. I shall see you tomorrow then. Make sure you study."
A quick scene change showed Kamina and Simon walking back home along a shady forest path. The evergreens that grew this high up in the mountains were tall and straight with bark that smelled faintly of vanillish, though those pokemon usually hibernated until the winter. The cover the trees provided along with their acidic needles left the forest floor fairly clear, with only a few patches of dark grass where pokemon might lurk. Not having a pokemon of their own to protect them, even Simon and Kamina avoided the grass. This was after several visits to the emergency room and more the a few bruises. Even Kamina learned from experience to a degree.
"No way big bro! The professor said he was going to give you a pokemon! " Simon kicked a small pebble along the path, hands in his pockets as he stared up at his bro with obvious hero worship.
"That's right Simon! I will be receiving a pokemon from a real pokemon professor! This is how all the really good stories start out you know! I bet hes going to give me something AWESOME!"
"I bet its gonna be a TAUROS big bro! Or maybe a Onyx or a Druddigon!"
"HA! Everyone knows that professors hand out awesome rare pokemon! Maybe it will be a charmander or a mudkip!"
Simon squealed. "I just LOVE mudkips big bro!"
Kamina ruffled the kindergartner's hair. "Don't worry bro, I promise once I get my trainers license I'll send you back an AWESOME pokemon just for you."
Simon nodded, then looked down, tears welling up in his eyes. "Yeah. Dad said he was going to get us both pokemon... Before..."
Kamina reached down and grabbed Simon's shoulders. "Hey! Don't worry about that! Dad couldn't help that he was never able to get us pokemon! I'm sure hes still out there somewhere, having adventures. I'll even find him and show him that I am strong enough now to have my own pokemon, to be my own man!"
Wiping his eyes, Simon nodded. "Yeah big bro. Your right. I bet dad's just waiting for us. Come on, lets go tell mom!"
Ms. Gurren-Lagann was in the kitchen, her nurses uniform from the pokemon center still on as she prepared a snack for her sons. Technically, she was only the mother of Simon, but after her husband had left on a midlife crisis pokemon journey and not returned, she had formally adopted his son from his first marriage and thought of Kamina as her own.
Since pokemon centers were non-profit, there wasn't much money in being a pokemon nurse, however, the hours were flexible and she was able to be home for her sons. As such, affording a pokemon was something outside of the now single mothers budget. She dreaded the thought of Kamina leaving on a journey of his own when he got his trainers license. While it was common for children to do so and many returned after a few days or weeks, its still troubled the mother that her son could disappear as her husband had a year ago. However, the lack of a pokemon comforted her somewhat. With no partner, her son could hardly embark on a journey of his own. As much as it pained her to deny her son something he so clearly desired, she was not about to lose him.
"MOM! We're home!"
"Not so loud Kamina. How was your day at school boys?"
"Mom! Mom! Guess what guess what!" Simon ran up and hugged his mom, eyes wide with excitement.
"What is it Simon?"
"Kamina's getting a Tyranitar from a REAL pokemon professor tomorrow when he gets his license!"
Paling, Ms. Gurren-Lagann turned to older son. "Is that true Kamina?"
"Wellllll. It's not exactly a Tyranitar, me and Simon were just discussing what the most awesome pokemon were and that one came up. It's probably going to be a chimchar or snivey or something, one of the usual pokemon professors give out in the TV Shows and stuff. But he did say he was going to give me a pokemon if I passed the test!"
Relaxing slightly, the mother sighed. For once, Kamina's deplorable grades were a blessing. He was to much of a day dreamer to worry about finer details, and his passing of the pokemon trainer's exam was not likely.
"I guess that's good news! Now, who wants some apple slices and honey!"
The boys happily dug in, chatting excitedly about which pokemon they were going to get. Fixing the forth wall behind her boys with a sharp glare, their mother thought 'If Kamina passes that exam, so help me I will-'
A/N: OH HAI. THIS IS AN AUTHORS NOTE. ALSO A BAOBAB IS TOTALLY A TREE. I LEARNED THAT IN ZOO TYCOON.
Also the picture at the beginning is really bad I know, and has nothing to do with the story so far. But I kinda like it anyway. And yes, Kamina yells a lot. So do I.