Everyone had suddenly flocked to the tiny town as soon as my father, Blair, became the champion, and they also heard about the Team Plasma affair.
I already love your story. I've always found it interesting to take canon and twist it in your own way, and you've already done this wonderfully by giving some detail but not too
much to overload us with information. I especially liked how you added in the earlier part about "if we'd heard about recent affairs Mark was a part of it, but if we hadn't he won't spoil it for us." Having him also be Blair's son is a great twist on a journeyfic, which I'm going to assume this is.
Me, him and Daisy, who was also in the crowded room, were his best friends and we had decided to have a sleepover.
This sentence is relatively awkward; instead, why not try something along the lines of "Daisy, Charlie and I, all crowded tightly in a small room, were best friends and were currently regretting the fact we'd decided to have a sleep over." Or something else even smoother than that. The whole "Me, him and Daisy, who was also in the crowded room," is what throws this for a loop- The main thing is that if you're going to say that Daisy is also in the crowded room, you're going to want to separate that from me and Charlie (which should technically be Charlie and I
but who really cares that much about grammar lololol
.) because if you don't, people will include Daisy when you say "Me, him and Daisy" and then wonder what the heck the "also crowded in the room" part is for. Blah.... Sorry, I did a mini-rant trying to explain something. You can just ignore this. Your story's going well so far. Lol.
So of course I was going to see what on earth could be so interesting that my second best friend would be obsessed with.
I'd personally suggest scrapping the "So" at the beginning and adding an "it" at the end of the sentence. Makes it sound better (to me, anyways. Maybe I'm just psychotic. Lol).
Charlie wasn’t too pleased. His facial features were dull and didn’t stand out in a crowd in any way at all. He had short, blue hair which blended with his slick eyebrows. His eyes were tiny in comparison with his huge and bony nose. His choice of clothing was equally as boring as him, he usually just wore blue or black. He adjusted his glasses nervously as he always did when he was worried. Obviously he thought his things were quite important.
So, first you say Charlie wasn't pleased when your character went to inspect his stuff. Then you go into a long detailed description of Charlie. I think everyone's guilty of this, including myself, but think of things this way (and I've used this analogy WAY too much) ; Details are like peas, and us readers are the bratty, cry-baby kids. You're going to have to trick us into not knowing you're feeding us the peas if we're going to grow up big and strong (er... An analogy for continuing to read your story). There are a lot of ways you can subtly string together details without making it such an information dump that becomes very obvious to people passing by. Let's see if I can give an example without screwing up (though, I warn you, it may suck seeing as how I'm only doing it for a few seconds. ;-; )
Charlie wasn’t too pleased. As he yelled at me to stop touching his things his pale face reddened, exaggerating his already bony nose and reminding me of the fact that, look-wise, he really wasn't the type to stand out in the crowd. His short, blue hair, which blended with his slick eyebrows, fell into eyes that were tiny in comparison to his huge, bony nose. His choice of clothing was equally as boring as him, normally not venturing far from blue or black shirts and pants. He adjusted his glasses nervously as he always did when he was worried or angry. Obviously he thought his things were quite important.
Granted, that's still relatively information-dump-y, but it's a teensy
bit better in a sense that you aren't just listing things. Remember that you can spread out detail; when you look at, say a peanut M&Ms bag, you don't think, "I can't wait to tear into that rectangular, yellow-colored bag to get to the sweet, assorted-colored chocolate filled with peanuts inside." You're probably going to think something like, "wow, that's yellow." Same with your characters, unless they're mental. It's good to give a decent amount of detail, but giving too
much can be fatal. Besides, sometimes readers like to think of a character in their own way and having too much detail makes them dislike the character.
/Rant. Sorry about that. I keep going off on tangents.
“Your room is totally rubbish,” Daisy summed it up perfectly, much better than I could ever do.
You can either go two routes here;
1)“Your room is totally rubbish,” Daisy summed
up perfectly, much better than I could ever do.
2)" “Your room is totally rubbish.
” Daisy summed it up perfectly, much better than I could ever do.
You sort of combined them to make something else here. When you do the ' "dialogue," blank character said' route, it only works if you also mention the character said it as in "That's totally rubbish," Daisy summed up perfectly. But if you're following that dialogue with an action, the action deserves to be its own sentence as in "That's totally rubbish." Daisy summed it up perfectly.
She’s just the right size for everything
lol dirty mind dirty mind dirty mind
I choice my friends very wisely.
*Tell you what, guys
It wasn’t our fault that he was jealous of our relationship.
Blahhhhhh. I have to warn you now that your fic may fall under some relatively negative stereo-types soon. You already have the three person-group, you already have the main character who's the most attractive, you already have the girl of the group who's really attractive, AND you already have them in a relationship the other character is jealous of. :< Now, depending on how you work things out further along down the road, that may not necessarily be bad and you might be able to salvage it; however, it's going to be a treacherous journey to get out of all those wish-fulfillment-like cliches apparent in so many fan fics.
I certainly didn’t expect a middle aged woman in a lab coat to be standing outside my door was
a large wrapped box.
“Erm… hello?” I started in annoyed tone, just for affect
she greeted me, handing out her hand, but I didn’t want to be embarrassed, so I declined.
1)I think what you were going for was "holding out her hand"
2) These two things could become their own sentences. Let's see how it works out.
"Hello, Mark," she greeted me, holding out her hand. I quickly realized she wanted me to shake hands, but my fear of being embarrassed by acting chummy with her took over. I politely declined.
Or, y'know, whatever other way of doing that you like. The sentence was already a tad run-on, so that's a perfect way to chop it up and make two great sentences out of one long one.
"No, I just said that because I felt like it,!”
Take out that second comma. :3
I was stood out here because I forgot to tell your mother to call you all together.
We also had three upstairs rooms, - my room, the bathroom and my mum’s room.
The first comma shouldn't be there.
Anyone would have expected my mother to say something like “sweetie” instead of using my name, but I had had a strict talk with her about not using embarrassing language.
Your character comes off as kind of cruel and rude. Are you going for that, or did it slip under your radar? D: I have to say, I'm not enjoying him very much at all due to how cruel he's been acting to Charlie, Juniper, and now his mother.
Since it takes the place of his mother's name, Mum should be capitalized.
“We’ve decided that we are going to sleep here tonight.” I had already spoken with my mother about this, and she nodded knowingly.
So he'd already told her they were going to sleep there, but he then went over to Charlie's as they tried to find somewhere to sleep? o: Uhhhh.
she smiled lovingly, and then gave me a small cuddle before letting me retreat into my room.
*She smiled lovingly. The "s" should be capitalized.
This box contains the essential things needed to start you Pokemon adventure.
“I don’t know, but I’m pretty sure it’s not going to be millions of sweets.” said Charlie smugly, thinking that his little joke had been funny.
There should be a comma after sweets rather than a period.