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Thread: When The Grave Calls

  1. #1
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    Default When The Grave Calls

    Hello potential reader, I'm Moonlightning.

    This is my Fan Fiction, When The Grave Calls. It is NOT a journey Fic, however it seems to be as it begins. I have been told that it starts slow, please be patient.

    Feel free to comment on even the first few chapters, you are not required to read the entire thing in order to review. I understand it is hard to catch up on something over ten chapters long. (Although the chapters are quite short.)

    Apparently this got some awards in the 2010 Fanfiction Awards.

    1st in Most heartbreaking scene
    1st in Best Cliffhanger
    3rd in Most Memorable Quote
    Tied 3rd In Best Plot




    Chapter List:

    Chapter One
    Chapter Two
    Chapter Three
    Chapter Four
    Chapter Five
    Chapter Six

    Chapter Seven
    Chapter Eight
    Chapter Nine
    Chapter Ten
    Chapter Eleven
    Chapter Twelve
    Chapter Thirteen
    Chapter Fourteen
    Chapter Fifteen
    Chapter Sixteen PART ONE
    Chapter Sixteen PART TWO

    Epilogue

    Character Backstories:

    Abra: Finding Magic

    Prologue:

    Pokemon never die in battle.

    They say pain is like a river. For your entire life the river will keep flowing. You need to learn to walk alongside it instead of being dragged away.

    Pokemon never die in battle.

    Sadness is like a steamed mirror. You can wipe away the condensation. But as soon as you have another shower, you’re back to where you started.

    Pokemon never die in battle.

    Death is like a plague. It sweeps families and friends, ripping from them their contentment. It is never cured, stopped or slowed.

    They say Pokemon never die in battle.

    Most of the time.

    I skipped through the autumn leaves, heels clicking. I smelled the friendly warmth of the trees and creatures around me. Strapped over my shoulders was a pink bag, with flower patterns sprawling across its fibrous surface. Stopping for a breather, I took respite on a crumbling log as I admired the low orange sunlight sprinkled through the heavenly canopy.

    I closed my eyes and dreamed, running my hands through my thick, spiraling brown hair. I could feel the familiar tightness around my wrist as my watch kept ticking, as it had for many years before. Its battered metal backing betrayed its age, but it was made up for the polished plastic surface that read the time.

    Time.

    Such a strange word.

    Opening my eyes I embraced the forest again. The subtle tones of rich orange and golden yellow were plentiful as the leaves littered the ground with their trademark random beauty.

    Realising that I was thirsty, I made my way over to that familiar pond that hid many childhood memories in its murky depths. The water was cold on my suspiciously brown hands.

    I gazed at myself in the water. I sometimes wish I wasn’t so plain. I’d almost like to be ugly, al least then I would be memorable. After all, now that I am fifteen, and about to begin my journey.

    While I scooped a mouthful I spotted it.

    It was sitting over on a wooden structure, basking in the remnants of the evening sun. The light was absorbed by his flecked brown fur as he rolled over and spotted me. I gasped, it was a Pokemon.

    It shuffled to its paws and tilted its head sideways, exposing its sharp buck teeth. Its eyes were framed by a flower-like pattern of a darker brown fur. It climbed off its dam and trotted toward me.

    My mind was racing, I rummaged through my bag and pulled out a dusty Poke Ball. It looked like a lolly, dipped half in a red coating, while the other half remained a dull white. I clicked the button in the centre and it enlarged to the size of a large apple.

    The Bidoof was upon me now, it was metres away and approaching cautiously, making slight chirruping noises as it advanced.

    I took a deep breath . The homely air gave me courage. I twisted suddenly, the Pokemon appeared frightened and turned to flee in a flurry of leaves, I flung the ball from my hand and it spiralled in the air striking the disturbed beaver and engulfing it in a flare of otherworldly light.

    The ball lay in the leaves, almost innocently.

    I came closer, my breath seemed strangely loud and I realised I was shaking. The ball shook. My mind reeled, what if it broke out?
    Last edited by moonlightning; 16th March 2011 at 4:44 AM.

  2. #2
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    Going for a poetic angle? You've done a decent job on it so far.

    I like the introductory passage about death. This sentence, especially:

    Quote Originally Posted by moonlightning View Post
    Pokemon never die in battle.
    Repeated three times, and concluding on a contradicting statement:

    Quote Originally Posted by moonlightning View Post
    They say Pokemon never die in battle.

    Most of the time.
    Great artistic use.

    Am I correct in assuming that this story revolves around the more tragic consequences of battle? If so, count me in amongst your list of readers.

    A few nitpicks:

    Quote Originally Posted by moonlightning View Post
    I gazed at myself in the water. I sometimes wish I wasn’t so plain. I’d almost like to be ugly, al least then I would be memorable. After all, now that I am fifteen, and about to begin my journey, I should find a way
    I should find a way to what, exactly?

    Quote Originally Posted by moonlightning View Post
    While I scooped a mouthful I spotted him.

    He was sitting over on a wooden structure, basking in the remnants of the evening sun. The light was absorbed by his flecked brown fur as he rolled over and spotted me. I gasped, it was a pokemon.
    Stick to either 'him' or 'it'. I would suggest 'it', at least in the beginning - that is, unless your character is some hitherto-unknown Pokemon researcher and can distinguish between genders at first sight. Nurse Joy'll probably enlighten her of that come her first check-up visit at the Pokecentre.

    Speaking of your character, I get the impression that she is an introverted, timid, and dreamy romantic who is probably better suited to pen and paper rather than the brutal world of Pokemon combat. She probably does not like the idea of others - humans and Pokemon alike - getting hurt, and will more likely than not have some kind of indecision panic attack upon her first battle. Should be interesting to watch.

  3. #3
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    I like this Fic and Quandary already stoled what I was critique on XD, Would love to see the next chap by the way Moon.

    Also your chracter reminds me of like a feminine version of me XD moon. I've always liked drawing, writing, sketching, reading etc to conflict. Though I would Pokemon Battles, that or Breed the most awesome Pokemon.

    Anyways love to see the next chapter.
    A fanfic set in a magical region far away from Nippon. where a boy faces a mass of Shadow Pokemon and typical travel!
    Check it out!


    I am a proud AmberDawnshipper, Pokeshipper, AmberMistshipper, Sunnyshipper, Sparksshipper...etc!

    PM me if your curious about what the hell are those shippings!

    Post this into your Sig. if you think the beast of Dartmoor is a Luxray!

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    Your style of writing is amazing, it really took my breath away that past... eh... well i know grammar but i don't know how to describe the time of your sentences (it's a lot more simpler in spanish) but it is hard to keep that kind of sentence structure without losing the rithm. The only fault was that you wrote prologue twice and that it was really, really brief. Given the way you write, you will be giving us long, long chapters full of good writing.

    Good luck!!
    10th prestige Lv 55 Nightmare

    I still Like wafflezzzz...

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    WOW! Thanks everyone for the reviews, my last fic failed so miserably, but now I'm empowered to keep writing. I'm going to force myself not to rush and fix up the bits I messed up.

    Again thanks for the tips.

  6. #6
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    When The Grave Calls

    Chapter One

    But that was so long ago.

    Now the ground was dusted with a subtle layer of mushy water. It had snowed overnight. The coolness of the glass on my nose was becoming painful. I sat back in bed, my heart still hammering.

    I hadn’t slept all night, after all, how could I have. I got out of bed and wrangled some slippers out of the mess that was named the floor. Walking silently I traipsed my way down the rickety wooden stairs to the kitchen.

    A familiar glow frightened all shadows away as the lights flicked on. Yawning, I put the electric kettle on and lumbered to the lounge where I collapsed in a heap of loose blue pyjamas on the couch. Feeling my watch dig into my side, I shifted slightly, and my clumsy feet struck a precariously perching remote onto the ground.

    I picked it up and turned the television on. I was met with a breaking storm shudder of static. I swore under my breath, my brother must have left it on really loud last night. It looks like even TV was banned when it was snowing. I went back up to my room, forgetting the jug of boiling water.

    Sitting on my bed I checked through all of my bag, for about the fourth time.

    “Dad always said, you can’t be too careful.” I whispered to myself.

    “But you can be too slow!” a rough voice cackled, breaking the eerie silence of early of an early morning in Twinleaf Town.

    My brother stood in the doorway, his trademark cheeky grin spread wide across his face. He sat down on my bed, making it obvious that I dwarfed him.

    “When I turn fifteen-” he began.

    “I know.” I ruffled his brown hair, “you’ll catch up, don’t you worry.”

    He left, mumbling something about TV, I wanted to yell to him but dismissed it. No need to be loud at this time of the morning.

    “There’s my girl!” my Dad cried running into my room.

    He engulfed me in his arms and hugged me tightly. I was grateful for that, every bit of courage would be necessary for this endeavour.

    “We’re so proud of you Kerry.” he whispered.

    I blushed and lowered my head in embarrassment. Luckily the unbearably awkward moment was broken when the destructive forces of my mothers cooking was unleashed downstairs.

    I embraced these sounds as I wouldn’t hear them again for a long time. As Dad sat back I framed his face in my mind. His cheerful smile, rounded face and balding scalp. I sighed, all of these comforts were to be lost.

    “Kerry, are you okay?” he inquired, eyebrows raised.

    “Yeah.” I lied, trying to sound more confident than I felt.

    It wasn’t hard.

    Dad left. He always got up early. He was a logger at the Twinleaf Forestry company, and as his boss always reminded him, “the earlier you start, the sooner you'll finish.” If only I had applied the same logic. I was sixteen now. I could have started a year ago, but I delayed it. I wish I could just follow my dream and not be held back by this cursed inhibition.

    Dreams. One thing I could always hold onto.

    Before I could realise it, I was eating pancakes, a family winter favourite. I relished the sweet warmth in my mouth. Glancing around the table I spotted my brother was as always, turning the meal into an explosion on the plate, Dad, eating slowing and chewing methodically.

    Mum just stared at me with her wide piercing blue eyes. It was obvious that she was immensely proud that I had finally made this first step. I noticed a subtle tear leak out of the corner of her left eye. It raced, sperm-like down to her chin where it dropped, disappearing from view.

    After finishing the pancakes I brought my plate up to the kitchen and slipped it neatly into the dishwasher. I gazed at the interior, almost admiring it. God I was desperate.

    I trudged up the stairs back into my room. I engulfed the interior, burning its contents into my mind. The wide window with rich red curtains, the small but handy closet filled with memories.

    Returning to the task at hand I got together my travelling gear. I removed my worn pyjama pants and slipped into a thin black thermal layer before pulling my Twinleaf Forestry pants. They were blood red with a thick fluorescent yellow stripe down the sides.

    I scuffed my feet along the rough carpet, indulging myself in the sensory experience, towards my draw. Grasping inside it, I grabbed my most comfortable sports bra. I wanted to be comfortable, though unhappily I realised there wasn’t much to comfort at all. Over that was another thermal and a light green T-shirt with a Poke Ball insignia on it.

    I slipped on some thick multicoloured socks and squirmed my feet into a pair of heavy brown tramping boots. Avoiding the mirror, I clutched my heavy Forestry jacket under my arm and left the mint green interior of my childhood room.

    Not much of a fashion statement I admit. I realised with a cold sweat that somebody down the road may mistake me for a tomboy. Wouldn’t that be an awkward scenario.

    I gazed at the green door in front of me, my eyes unfocused. I promised myself I wouldn’t cry, and I never break a promise. I turned around. Surprisingly, Dad was the one who broke down and sobbed softly into Mums neck.

    “Bye everyone.” I said, my voice weak.

    I opened the door and slipped my jacket on. The pathway seemed more hard and unforgiving than usual. I felt a reluctant squeeze around my abdomen.

    It was my brother, he looked embarrassed. He ran back shouting, “Smell ya later sis!”

    I sighed. There had to be a catch.

    Unclipping the Poke Ball from my sturdy leather belt I released my partner into the frosty ground. There was a flash as the lid of the ball sprung skyward in my hand reminiscent of childhood memories of a jack in the box.

    My Bidoof appeared, shivering in the winter cold. He bounded up to me and stood on his hind legs, exposing a creamy patch of belly as he balanced himself on my leg. His massive black eyes framed by his brown face. He chirruped as I stroked the top of his head.

    We walked together, striding swiftly through the ground. A familiar crunching accompanied every step. Mr Chompy pattered alongside me, like a leaf following a current.

    Mr Chompy. I dreamed up that name what seemed like an eternity ago, when I was a child, though it still made me chuckle.

    We left the large clearing of the town and entered the thick long grass of Route 201 that connected Twinleaf and Sandgem Town. Mr Chompy was having struggle keeping up, he was panting and there was a distinct furrow on his brow. I returned him to his Poke’ Ball, there was no need for him to share my burden.

    I stopped to admire the sky. The clouds had long parted and I was met with a massive torrent of clear blue. The sun was shining brightly and reflecting off the snow giving the ground, plants and trees and natural glow.

    The snow covered grass was like walking through jelly, if you had momentum you could slowly lumber forward. But if you misstep, it's even harder to keep moving.

    It was hard work. The sky darkened like a coffin closing as snow started falling again, a light patch landing on my precipitated cheek. I appreciated the coldness of it. This jacket was doing really well at keeping me warm.

    Finally the area of dominant grass was over. I shook any remaining snow from my jacket. The scene ahead was intimidating. The trees were swaying in full force. Somehow this light snowfall had escalated.

    I considered going back, but I had to be strong. I entered the trees cautiously, trying to stick to the areas of least slush.

    There was a sudden crack as a branch gave way. I looked up, a heap of snow powered me down to the ground. It was like the weight of the world wanted me back where I belonged. There was a thing layer of snow above me and my watch was awkwardly sticking into my thigh.

    There was a strange shiver as the jacket and pants reacted to the moisture. The material shrivelled a little to become completely water proof. I struggled to get up, feeling defeated. I released Mr Chompy from his Poke‘ Ball. He spotted that I was crying.

    He ran up to me and I sat down. He snuggled close to me. I was grateful for that. He was a bundle of warmth and hope. His rounded ears suddenly tensed. His fur brushed against my neck as he peeked behind me.

    There was an angry growl.

    I spun around. It was brown, with a lighter coloured patch around its psychotic, bloodshot eyes, it had a large gash out of one ear and the other was missing. It stood on four stubby, bulging limbs. Its ugly head was lowered almost to the ground. Its midsection was crisscrossed with scars reminiscent of the pattern found on a metal grating.

    An involuntary gasp escaped me. It wanted to fight.

    It wanted to hurt me

    Wanted to hurt me

    To hurt me

    Hurt me

    I stood up as quickly as I could, scrambling at the powdered ground. Mr Chompy rushed in front of me protectively, growling back.

    The wild pokemon charged, sending a spray of snow behind him. Its massive dilated pupils were focused manically. Its legs sprinted tirelessly. It crashed into Mr Chompy and they tumbled furiously, sending snow flying in all directions. They crashed into a tree with such force that they were showered with a clump of snow.

    I desperately wanted to dream, to escape the situation. I forced myself to stay and bear witness to this violence.

    I felt a terrible pang blossom in my chest as I realised what this was. My first battle.

    Mr Chompy quickly recovered and watched the wild pokemon carefully. The two Bidoof circled, growling and exposing their sharp front teeth. The wild pokemon reared up on its back legs, its fangs glowing radiant white as a Hyper Fang attack was charged.

    “Bidoof, Tackle now!” I yelled.

    My childhood companion rushed forward and struck the wild Bidoof in its exposed belly. I could hear the wheeze of impact and rush of air as the enemy pokemon skidded back. Now it charged, head lowered for a Headbutt attack, Mr Chompy waited for my instruction. I had to do the right thing, for my friend.

    “Mr Chompy, dodge and counter with another Tackle!” I almost choked on this command, my mind was racing furiously.

    The wild pokemon was about to unleash the furious attack on Mr Chompy when he skipped to the side, and the Bidoof slipped past. Then, he drove his entire body into the wild Bidoofs’ side, sending it rolling away.

    The pokemon whimpered, gave me a dirty look, then scampered away. I’m pretty sure the whole forest heard my sigh of relief. It was gone.

    Then I saw my pokemon. He looked hurt as he limped over to me. His eyes were filled with sorrow now that the heat of the battle had passed.

    I knelt down to him, a chilly wind ruffling the snowy trees as I sprayed a potion from my bag onto him. He winced at the stinging, but then murmured in appreciation. He obviously wanted to go back in his Poke’ Ball. I didn’t deny it for him.

    I strode through the rest of the hilly forest, trying to avoid concealed roots that had tripped me many times before, stepping over numerous fallen trees and most of all looking out for any wild pokemon.

    None approached out of the empty whiteness of the forest ground. Perhaps Mr Chompy's exploits had been boasted for all the forest to hear? I was immensely proud of that little guy. If only his confidence could brush off on me.

    As the small buildings of Sandgem Town loomed into view I congratulated myself. I entered the quaint town and headed straight for the Pokemon Center. As soon as the cream building loomed into view I spotted a nurse smoking a cigarette outside. As soon as she saw me she dropped it, mushing it into the snowy ground and darted back inside, uniform flailing.

    I entered the sliding doors and was met with a wall of dry warmth. I hooked my jacket up and gave my Poke’ Ball to the embarrassed nurse. A quick glance outside confirmed my suspicions. It was getting darker, time to get some rest.

    There was a canteen here so I dug in. A few other trainers were talking and laughing at a table, but I couldn’t make myself sit with them. I got myself a quiet table in the corner of the whitewashed building with a younger boy reading a book.

    We ate in silence. I wanted to see what he looked like. Eventually I got my fork away from my noodles long enough to try to initiate some form of small talk to break the awkwardness.

    I looked up. He was staring at me. He flinched away quickly like a mousetrap, pretending not to have looked. I sighed.

    “Hi, I’m Kerry.” I groaned. Human communications were not my forte.

    The boy smiled, “I’m Daniel.”

    He was asian and had jet black hair. He was wearing some kind of blue and white tracksuit.

    He got up immediately and left, retiring to the bunks that the facility provided leaving me pondering if I made him nervous.

    I grabbed my empty plate and placed it back on the bench, forgetting to thank the cook. After retrieving Mr Chompy I retired to the bunks and rolled over facing the wall.

    A terrific flash of lightning erupted from the clouds.

    “The crash booming waves
    Ignite the charcoal sky paint
    For now the sun cowers”


    I closed my eyes

    I slept.

    I dreamed.

    Next Chapter>
    Last edited by moonlightning; 16th January 2011 at 8:54 PM.

  7. #7
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    Oh, thats sad, no reviews?

    I dont normally review so this may not be great.

    imo compared to your prologue, you seem to be less poetic in chapter one? I really liked the way you described the prologue, maybe you could implent that into later chapter?

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    Quote Originally Posted by amplafied View Post
    Oh, thats sad, no reviews?

    I dont normally review so this may not be great.

    imo compared to your prologue, you seem to be less poetic in chapter one? I really liked the way you described the prologue, maybe you could implent that into later chapter?
    Hmm, yeah I have been a bit lazy with that.

    I still dpn't want to write the next chapter without a few more reviews.

    People, be AS HARSH AS YOU WANT, I am honestly that desperate...

    I will not go crying to mummy. I can take it. I NEED to improve...
    Lol.

  9. #9
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    Unfortunately, I agree with amplafied: this chapter lacks the poetic fluidity of the prologue, and as such, is lackluster and something of a bore to read. Not only that, but it is also rife with punctuation and grammatical errors - the former easily remedied with the perfunctory proofread.

    The part about the protagonist's departure from her family home is especially tedious. A good number of sentences have poor execution, awkward wording, or contained extraneous details (about the surroundings or her actions) and as such, read mechanically. To name an example:

    I blushed a strawberry red that repopulated all over my cheeks. I was embarrassed that even my darker skin couldn’t hide it. Luckily the unbearably awkward moment was broken when the cataclysm that is my mothers cooking erupted from downstairs.
    There are so many things wrong with that paragraph. First of all, you are addressing the narration from first-person perspective - the protagonist cannot have known exactly what shade of colour she had blushed, and whether her darker skin had managed to conceal said blush or not. She's not in a position/situation that would enable her to observe her own face, right? Secondly, the phrase 'strawberry red that repopulated all over my cheeks' represents an instance of bad verb choice; logically, it makes no sense. Used the way it is, 'repopulated' carries the implication that 'strawberry red' is a discrete entity and comes in multiples, which of course it does not. It would have been better to rephrase it as:

    I felt warmth (emphasis on the physical sensation of a blush being experienced from first-person POV) spread all over my cheeks.

    Thirdly, 'cataclysm that is my mother's cooking' is an inappropriate simile, giving the impression of over-exaggeration. 'Cataclysm' describes a global apocalyptic event; no amount of cooking, however disastrous, can amount to that. I would say 'catalyst' is more the word you are searching for, here. Here's a reconstruction of the sentence:

    Luckily, the unbearably awkward moment was broken when the catalyst that was (tense incontinuity) my mother's (added apostrophe) cooking wafted from downstairs, prompting everyone to rush to the dinner table.

    There are many other paragraphs like the one I've selected, but I shall refrain from mentioning them for lack of time. If you want them explored in detail, I suggest you employ a beta reader's services.

    You'd evidently done (I hesitate to use the word 'completed') this chapter in a hurry, and the product is far from polished (neither is it comparable to the prologue in terms of quality). A word of advice: don't be lazy. Poetic beauty is what first attracted readers to your fic; remove that, and you will remove your audience. And please proofread - that should be standard author protocol.

  10. #10
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    Yes, many thanks to you In A Quandry.

    I will work to fix the tense, grammar and wording errors as soon as possible.

    Also, by the strawberry red thing, it was something she does often, so she is aware of what it looks like, but I understand it is very awkward to understand and like many things in the chapter it breaks the flow of the story.

    So, it's the parts where she is leaving her house? It becomes boring... Should I put less emphasis on that part, or speed it up?

    I will try to add more interesting description instead.

    Also, could I have some feedback about the battle scene? Those have always been a weak point for me.

    To recap; more poetic, better tense, grammar, wording and more interesting (less boring)?
    Lol.

  11. #11
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    While I admit I am a detached reader for the most part, the fact that the scene where Kerry leaves the house failed to emotionally affect me in any way alludes to its poor execution. It should have been a dramatic, sentimental affair, having the impact of the nature the first segment of your prologue did. What detracted from this most of all is the impression that it is rushed, with some parts not receiving the attention they deserve.

    For instance, in the lunch scene, Kerry ought to not only have eaten her pancakes as slowly and deliberately as you have described, but also compile and take note of the flavours - she's aware that she's not about to have another homemade meal anytime soon once she hits the road. She ought to have discretely observed her family, cataloging not only the way they ate, but also the way they talked and other characteristic facial expressions they made. Having Kerry notice her mother crying was a good touch, but not enough.

    Also, the scene where Kerry is in her room, getting dressed. You ought to have her look around her room, branding each detail into her mind - the worn Skitty plush toy amongst her pillows that she'd kept since she was four, the posters/drawings she'd proudly pasted onto the walls, the mothball smell of her wardrobe, the velvet texture of the carpet beneath her toes. Explore the senses. Don't go into too much detail though, just take a bit of this and there to give the scene a stronger reminiscent flavour.

    And don't forget to insert a scene break between Kerry's departure and her outdoor exploits. Dividing up the scenes will make your writing appear less congested.

    The battle scene with the wild Bidoof is brief - though that in and of itself is no fault - and mostly fine. It's usually trainer battles where writers stuff up - await my comments there.

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    Okay I have updated chapter one with major edits.

    The poems are made by Kerry (in her mind) when she 'dreams' and are often when she loses focus.
    Lol.

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    As you are not attempting some sort of songfic-ish one-shot where style takes priority over plot advancement, I suggest you take out the poems. They disrupt the flow of the story.

    However, if you still want to lend credence to Kerry's creative side, why not begin each new chapter with a poem?

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    Now there is an idea, I will remove them and do you suggest I write another chapter? And I will have one at the beginning and at the end.
    Last edited by moonlightning; 13th August 2010 at 8:31 AM.
    Lol.

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    Ok, a small review:
    Quote Originally Posted by moonlightning View Post
    It wanted to hurt me
    Wanted to hurt me
    To hurt me

    Hurt me
    I like this part very much. It's like the begginning of the prologue, where you use repetition in ''Pokemon never die in battle". It gives me the feeling that Kerry is more aggressive than she seems.

    Also, i agree with In A Quandary, you should stick to keeping the poems in the begginning or end of the chapter. What you're doing though, reminds me of another good fic, Lurking in the Shadows, where the author inserts song lyrics by making the character sing them. You could continue doing what you're doing, just not so often. May I suggest that when Kerry is alone, she say her poems out loud to her pokemon.

    Quote Originally Posted by moonlightning View Post
    “ A strange boy examines me
    Like an interesting specimen
    I wonder if he knows
    That I do the same”
    I also enjoyed this poem. Although it's small, it says a lot to me about Kerry, how she is very observant and quiet.

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    Yeah, they're nice. But even now i find them INCREDIBLY ANNOYING!

    I might keep them and make a little archive in a spoiler tag or something? I'm becoming quite fond of them when they don't ruin everything.

    Yes, Kerry does have a dark side... But that will take a while to unveil. Also, expect the chapters to be shorter than usual, I seem to do better when I can focus on the quality without worrying about the length.

    After all, I'm only a newb at writing...

    Prepare youselves for chapter two! (in a while)
    Lol.

  17. #17
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    When The Grave Calls

    Chapter Two

    Darkness.

    An empty piercing void enters me, sending a bloody rush of pain.

    It splatters me. Sending me into a frenzy.

    I scream, but it crawls into my mouth and down my throat.

    I am being suffocated, blind panic abounds as my vision shuts down.

    Stabbing pain racks my bones and touches even my soul.

    If only.





    I felt a subtle nudge as Mr Chompy woke me ever so gently. Eyes bleary I prepare to gaze out my window. Abruptly I was met with the white brick wall. Rolling amonst the tundra of sheets stuck to my body I was met with my Bidoof, gazing deep into my eyes as he chirruped his excitement. I smiled back at him.

    Fixing my long hair behind my head in an acceptable ponytail, I nodded my approval to myself in the mirror. I straightened my neck and pulled back my shoulders. I had already decided.

    Today was going to be a good day.

    *
    I took a deep breath of Sandgem Town air. Heaven and sea met before of me with a glorious unity of sparkling water and angelic blue sky.

    Sea air wafted into my nostrils, slightly scented by the fragrant trees of the waterfront. The melodic noise of an early bustling town enrapture me with energy.

    I strolled, almost carelessly with Mr Chompy. We walked together, not as master and servant, but as friends.

    The gateway out of Sandgem Town came into view. Mr Chompy leapt up and down at the chorus of Starly and Staravia, singing their bird songs from tree to tree.

    The snow had long melted, and the sun illuminated lush green grass and bushes, tall ancient trees that swayed in the slight breeze and the dirt road that was worn and ready for new adventurers. Countless Pokémon flew overhead, casting small shadows over the path.

    A large white globule struck my nose with a distinct splatter. I retched, fighting my gag reflex. I dropped my bag to find something to clean myself with when the culprit descended from the sky and landed, kicking up a cloud of dust.

    Out of the haze a Pokémon skimmed along the ground with a brilliant white trail behind it, striking Mr Chompy square on with a Quick Attack.

    The Pokémon retreated and cocked its head down, and arrogant smirk across its features, obviously making a challenge. I watched the opposing pokemon carefully, using all of my concertration.

    It was very small in stature but its confidence was massive. Its feathers were predominately gray, although it had a head made up of ruffled feathers, one in particular standing on end at the tip of its head, and its face was highlighted a pearly white that framed its determined eyes and its sharp orange beak that looked as though the tip had been dipped in deep black ink.

    It raised its wings and flapped them furiously, readying itself for battle.

    Mr Chompy set its four paws into the ground and reared its head in a circle flashing its teeth. The two Pokémon faced off, the breeze stopped.

    The birds fell silent.

    Without any warning the Starly threw itself high in the air, and spiraled downward for an Aerial Ace attack. Its feathers all responded to the air individually. The feather at the top of its head jiggled wildly as its descending speed increased.

    Before I could give a command, it struck Bidoof hard, making him cry out during the impact.

    I took a breath to command an attack.

    The wild Pokémon attacked again, using the same deadly fast move, pelleting Mr Chompy with a myriad of blazingly speedy blows.

    I could feel sweat breaking out on my palms. I had to think of a way to counter this onslaught.

    Suddenly, inspiration struck me like a lightning bolt.

    “Mr Chompy!” I commanded, “jump and use Defense Curl!”

    Mr Chompy bounced off the ground and curled tightly. The Starly swooped quickly to attack, but bounced off, causing it to fall to the ground.

    “Mr Chompy, uncurl and use Headbutt!” I cried.

    The Starly was quick to recover, it flapped its strong wings and floated above the ground, seemingly out of range. Mr Chompy hit the ground and jumped, catching Starly in mid-air, colliding head on with the smaller bird.

    It squawked defiantly as it struck a mud brown tree trunk and hit the ground.

    But somehow, it was back up again. It raised its battered wings and cried out in anger.

    Mr Chompy took a step back and gazed at me for reassurance. This angry bundle of feathers was a tough opponent.

    I knew we couldn’t beat it. Then I got another idea.

    “Mr Chompy, Tackle!” I instructed.

    My dark brown beaver-like Pokémon charged forward ready to slam our opponent. It simply flew off the ground in a cloud of dust.

    My opportunity had arisen. I unclipped a Poké Ball from my belt and twisted my hips, generating power from my feet, it travelled through my thighs, to my abs, to my arms and releasing in a whip-like motion as I released the red and white ball.

    It curved through the air and knocked the Starly back against the tree, hurting it. The capsule then opened, engulfing the defiant Pokémon in a luminescent white light.

    The Pokémon was sucked inside with a metallic chatter. The ball bounced three times on the dirt path.

    I held my breath.

    It shook once.

    I could hardly bear to watch.

    It shook twice.

    Mr Chompy scuffled anxiously.

    It shook three times.

    The tension rose to a fever pitch.

    There was a click.

    “Woohoo!” I yelled grabbing the Poke Ball. “Welcome to the team, Super Fly Guy!”

    “How are you so sure it’s male?” a voice inquired.

    I felt the embarrassing heat of a blush erupt over my cheeks like a twin volcano. I really wished I could evaporate on the spot. Turning around I saw it was Daniel, the boy from the Pokémon Centre.

    “Oh, hello Daniel.” I almost whispered.

    He was slightly shorter than me and he was still wearing that ridiculous full body tracksuit. His skin tone was well suited to the sunlight and he held a superior gaze as he spoke.

    “Why didn’t you go to the Professor Rowan’s Lab to pick up a starter Pokémon?” he inquired betraying a slightly British accent.

    “Oh, my father, he works for a forestry company you see. Professor Rowan doesn’t approve of destroying the native woodland, so he told us unless he stops, our family can’t get any favors from him.” I explained.

    I realized with a shock that was probably the longest string of words I had put together for a long time. This guy sure was easy to talk to.

    I then noticed there was a man with him, supposedly some form of coach. That would explain the tracksuits. The older man was bald shaven, also Asian and wore a scowl so deeply furrowed into his face it looked as though it had been carved over many years.

    “Daniel.” he spoke in a deep grumble, “are you going to battle her or not?”

    I felt a seed of fear being sowed in my stomach. It began to sprout as Daniel began to consider the offer. It was freaking blossoming when he pulled out a Poké Ball.

    He studied the polished surface. He looked up at me.

    “No. She has just had a fierce battle. Tell you what, Kerry, meet me outside Oreburgh gate, that’s just to the west of Jublife City, tomorrow morning.” he explained.

    He paused for a moment. “Actually, tell you what.”

    He pulled over and wrote the location and time on a small piece of yellow paper. He walked over and handed it to me.

    “See you then.” he said with a wink.

    “Daniel,” his coach growled “ let’s get going.”

    "Oh, and by the way Kerry," Daniel said tapping his nose, " you've got a little something there."

    With a pang of dismay I remembered the Starly dropping that was clinging to my nose.

    He was still laughing as he walked off, leaving me feeling stupid. Suddenly I realised the battle tommorow was pretty much set in stone.

    I sighed, how was I going to get out of that?

    *

    The road was getting really steep. Mr Chompy had long retreated to his Poké Ball. Instead, Super Fly Guy circled above me, apparently still not happy about being captured.

    I could finally see the skyscrapers of Jublife City over a small ledge. Unhappily, I realized I would have to walk all the way around this one ledge to get there.

    I smirked to myself. I’ve always been good at climbing, and I could get up this wall of rock easily, saving plenty of time.

    I grabbed a rock above me. I felt its rough surface grip into my soft palms. I placed my foot up into an indentation and began to climb. I heaved my body upward and grabbed another hold.

    I got into a rhythm. My muscles were obiedient and obeyed every command I gave them. I was making steady progress. Happily, I realised I would beat Daniel to Jublife City.

    I was about halfway up, and then I realized how high I was. I felt a dizzying wave of fear as I realized how far I would fall. Feeling a little sick, I hastily grabbed a rock above me.

    It carelessly slipped out of the dirt wall.

    I was moving backward, feeling the empty caress of air on my back.

    I was falling downward, and the last thing I saw was Super Fly Guy, flying down. I smiled absently as the tiny Pokémon tried to catch me.

    There was a tearing jerk as my body hit the ground and my head snapped black, extinguishing all light from my world…

    Next Chapter>
    Last edited by moonlightning; 16th January 2011 at 8:55 PM.
    Lol.

  18. #18
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    I feel a nudge as Mr Chompy wakes me ever so gently. Eyes bleary I prepare to gaze out my window. Abruptly I was met with the white brick wall. My Bidoof gazes deep into my eyes as he chirrups his excitement. I smile back at him.
    Careful with switching tenses. Here I'm not sure if you're writing about the present time or past. I'm assuming past, because that's what most of the story is.

    Besides that, you've got a great fic here! Like everyone else, I love the poetic quality, and your use of repetition and that sort of thing, so good job and keep it up!

    Edit: Maybe bold your chapter titles? That way they stand out...

    Also, how'd you make the awesome banner?
    Last edited by GastlyMan; 14th August 2010 at 7:12 AM. Reason: Added stuff; see above.
    I'm back for good!

    Greetings from the asylum of my insanity.
    Chapter 3 and cooler banner coming eventually. :P I am still working on it despite a very long lack of updates!

    Dex: 128 created! ~ DA and LJ links coming later.

  19. #19
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    Tenses Yes, that is a major problem of mine, I shall endevour to fix them. I don't seem to pick them up and neither does my beta...

    Bolding Titles I'll do that right now.

    Banner umm, I just made it on GIMP, its a free download. I blurred bidoof, added a strange backound, used edge detection then morphed Bidoof and added a speck of light and some writing in terrible font that is impossibly hard to read.

    I'm going to make a better (animated) one.

    Thanks GastlyMan, reviews are soo valuable.
    Lol.

  20. #20
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    Default hi

    sup monlightning it's me infernalmonk love the fic can't wait for more. I'd critic it but I'd just be repeating wat others have said.

  21. #21
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    Default hi

    sup monlightning it's me infernalmonk love the fic can't wait for more. I'd critic it but I'd just be repeating wat others have said.

  22. #22
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    Oh, hi InfernlMnk.

    Thanks, the next chapter will be posted soon. I could post it now, but I'm delaying it to check it over a few more thousand times, and to fix up chapter two.
    Lol.

  23. #23
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    If I were your beta, I would be making hundreds of tiny little edits. Perhaps for the sake of your self-esteem (and sanity), it is better that I am not.

    First of all, don't bold. Italicize instead. I'm referring to the poem at the beginning of the chapter. You don't see bolding in novels, do you? That said, I don't think the poem needs any form of decorative emphasis - it even reads better by itself.

    To use the first two paragraphs as an example:

    I feel a nudge as Mr Chompy wakes me ever so gently. Eyes bleary I prepare to gaze out my window. Abruptly I was met with the white brick wall. My Bidoof gazes deep into my eyes as he chirrups his excitement. I smile back at him.

    Fixing my long hair behind my head in an acceptable ponytail I nodded my approval to myself in the mirror. I straightened my neck and pulled back my shoulders. I had already decided.
    Commas - where are they? In addition to the tense fixes (in italics), I've included the instances that they should've been inserted (in bold):

    I felt a nudge as Mr Chompy wakes me ever so gently. Eyes bleary, I prepared to gaze out my window. Abruptly, I was met with the white brick wall. My Bidoof gazed deeply into my eyes as he chirrups his excitement. I smiled back at him.

    Fixing my long hair behind my head in an acceptable ponytail, I nodded my approval to myself in the mirror. I straightened my neck and pulled back my shoulders. I had already decided.

    And:

    Abruptly I was met with the white brick wall. My Bidoof gazes deep into my eyes as he chirrups his excitement.
    Not only is the first sentence awkwardly constructed in passive voice, it is also propositionally incorrect. According to the next sentence, Bidoof is at a position (directly in front) to be able to gaze deeply into Kerry's eyes; she would be 'meeting' his furry bulk rather than the wall.

    The ocean and sky met infront of me in a glorious unity of sparkling water and the transcendent emptiness of the angelic blue sky.
    Overly descriptive and cumbersome. Sounds better as:

    Heaven (I changed 'sky' to 'heaven' to avoid repetition) and ocean met in front of me in a glorious unity of sparkling water and angelic blue sky.

    A large white globule struck my nose with a distinct splatter. I instantly searched for the culprit.
    If a bird pooped on my face, my first priority would be to get rid of the poop, a few muttered curses notwithstanding. Are the ensuing events so engrossing that Kerry would neglect what is more or less an instinctive reaction - for an entire page? I must say, she certainly has a one-track mind if she can ignore the vomit-inducing sensation of liquid faeces on her face.

    It was very small in stature but its confidence was massive. Its feathers were predominately gray, although it had a head made up of ruffled feathers, one in particular standing on end at the tip of its head, and its face was highlighted a pearly white that framed its determined eyes and its sharp orange beak.

    Its talons were orange and striped with a darker shade. It had a triple tail feather from its back end. The bird-like pokemon had a perfect circle of white feathers on its chest, and its strong wings were tipped with a deep black.
    The second paragraph is unnecessary; enough description is already provided in the first. Details are nice, but you need to be able to distinguish between what is sufficient and what is excessive.

    I then noticed he had a man with him, supposedly some form of coach.
    The word 'had' implies possession; better to say that 'there was a man standing beside him'.

    All in all, I cannot really recommend this chapter. Yes, you may describe me as something of a fussy reader, but there are far too many mistakes here for pleasurable reading.

  24. #24
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    Thanks. I'll get those patched up.

    I don't describe you as a fussy reader, but an honest one. I really need the brutally honest analysis of this fic otherwise I will most likely go off the rails and make it into something atrocious...

    Your reviews are really valuable, keep them coming!
    Lol.

  25. #25
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    Chapter Three

    The world was blurred, I couldn’t see past the haze of it. Feeling groggy I sat up.

    With a fright I recalled the incident.


    Falling.

    Descending through the open air.

    Vulnerable.

    Unprotected.

    Scared.


    The world snapped back into focus.

    Gazing around I realized I was in a standard whitewashed Pokémon Centre; however this one was different from the one in Sandgem Town. Staring out the window I was met with the early morning sun peeking between two immensely tall buildings like a young child playing peek-a-boo.

    “Skyscrapers?” I thought.

    More observation gave me answers. The looming towers of glass and steel were beautiful in their own modernistic way, but beneath… The streets were dirty and polluted. People shoved and pushed each other in the narrow alleys and streets. They moved in a horde, seemingly mindless.

    I noticed a small child, crying on the streets below. He was in a parting of the crowd, terrified. Obviously he had been separated from his caregiver. His small white cap bobbled with terror as he screamed silently through the thick glass.

    Nobody stopped to help him, comfort him, or ask him where his parents were.

    The world moved on, uncaring.

    Feeling a little sick, I rolled over. Before I knew it, I was sprawled out on the worn carpet. Did I spend the whole night on a couch? I rolled over to meet a dusty pair of shoes.

    “You’re awake.” chimed the familiar British voice.

    “Oh, Daniel,” I said, standing up too quickly, “would you care to-”.

    “Explain?” he interjected.

    I nodded, feeling tired and defeated.

    “Well, as we came up to Jublife, a certain Starly grabbed my attention”. He pointed to his forehead, “in a most original way.”

    I chuckled. That bird sure could aim.

    “Anyway,” he continued, “it seemed very stressed, we followed it and there you were, unconscious at the bottom of a ledge.”

    Now I was even more embarrassed. Kerry, I told myself, stop being such a damn rookie!

    “So, we carried you here. You must have just woken up, do you want something to eat?” he asked.

    “That would be great thanks.” I replied, trying to sound grateful.

    He wandered off to the canteen. I grabbed a towel and blitzed off for a speed shower. The water felt so warm on my tired and aching muscles. It cascaded down my body. The water acted like a hot salve, soothing the pain. My mind was alleviated by the scent of my fruity body wash.

    Somehow I gained the willpower to extract myself from the shower. I put on a fresh pair of clothes and slipped my trusty watch onto my wrist. I noticed a mistake in the metal screen. A piece of colour had flaked off, leaving a bright blue flaw underneath its metal skin.

    I ignored it, repacking my gear into my bag and leaving the steamy shower cubicle.

    Daniel, smiling as always, had some food for us both on a flimsy plastic table. The green surface looked out of place in the stainless steel building. I sat down and dug into the fried potato and egg.

    “Haven’t forgotten our battle have we?” he laughed.

    I almost choked. Literally I inhaled some potato and coughed violently.

    “Kerry, are you okay?” he asked, concerned.

    I coughed again, unsuccessfully removing the chunk of food stuck in my throat that was blocking my windpipe. He patted my back, this time the food moved back into my mouth to be chewed more.

    “Thanks.” I half whispered.

    *

    “Here we are, Kerry, are you ready?” Daniel inquired, tilting his head slightly to the side.

    I nodded and readied myself for the battle. The long grassy plains east of Jublife City were a great place for a friendly battle. The sun was beaming down harshly on us as there were no clouds in the sky whatsoever.

    The climate here was parallel tot the snowy field of Twinleaf, due to strange recent weather conditions. I absorbed the sunlight into my skin. It must have looked like I was photosythesising or something.

    I gazed over at Daniel, who in is still in his stupid tracksuit. He grabbed a shiny Poké Ball from his belt.

    “Turtwig, go!” he yelled, throwing the ball into the air.

    The grass-type Pokémon exploded from the ball in a flourish of light and sound. The Pokémon was mostly green and padded around on its four stubby legs, soaking up the sunlight.

    It had a large head, with a small stem growing out at the tip, with two stagnant leaves erect on each side. Its strong top jaw was a lighter slightly over bit the bottom one with a beak-like hook at the end.

    It cried in a strange tone, like leaves rustling on the forest floor, “Tur tur twig!”

    Now I had to send something out. I reached for Super Fly Guys’ Poké Ball and threw it, the slick metal casing slipping out of my grasp as it left my hand and spiralled high into the clear sky.

    There was a flash and my Starly appeared, its silky feathers visible as it soared high, eyes keen on the enemy Turtwig.

    “After you.” Daniel beckoned, slightly bowing.

    His coach stood at the side, his face still expressionless and uncaring. He seemed to have an aura of malevolence that clung to the air around him.

    “Super Fly Guy, use Aerial Ace now!” I commanded, hoping the bird could hear me.

    It dropped, tucking its wings into its aerodynamic body; it sped down to the Turtwig, almost ripping apart the air.

    Daniel laughed, brushing back his short black hair, “Kerry, you’re going to hate me for this. Turtwig, Withdraw followed by a Tackle!”

    Just before impact, Turtwig jumped to meet Starly, and presented the iron hard brown shell that covered its back. Starly, although carrying massive speed and potential, simply bounced off. I watched in surprise as it rolled back to the ground.

    I was taken aback, that bugger stole my strategy!

    Turtwig then pursued my rolling Starly and struck it with a full power body charge, causing it to roll even more.

    “Turtwig, Razor Leaf!” Daniel yelled, his British accent becoming more noticeable.

    “Starly, recover then fake a Aerial Ace, change direction and Tackle!” I blurted out.

    Starly used it’s rolling for momentum, and took off quickly, looping back around to face the Turtwig in the air. The grass Pokémon was however, summoning a storm of leaves that battered Starly’s wings and cut his flight short causing it to tumble out of the air, striking the ground for serious damage.

    The look on his face was unpleasant, His superior expression really irked me.

    “Ugh, return, Super Fly Guy.” I grimaced.

    “Having fun?” he chuckled.

    I ignored him, “Mr Chompy, come on out!”

    My childhood companion was released from the Poké Ball and didn’t await orders. It caught the Turtwig off guard with a full speed tackle. I smirked back at Daniel; the look of shock that smeared across his features was worth the stress of the entire battle.

    “Turtwig,” Daniel growled, “Razor Leaf, then Bite!”

    I thought for a moment, Razor Leaf was going to be a big problem. I needed a way to deflect the leaves…


    I was sitting there, when I was much smaller, tying dandelions into a bracelet sitting at the water’s edge.

    It was Autumn, my favourite season. The aromas of the forest enticed me as I watched the mesmerising fall of leaves from trees.

    A few of them fell into the stream, they were sucked away quickly by the force of the water…



    “That’s it!” I yelled, “Mr Chompy, charge forward using Water Gun, straight at the Razor Leaf attack, then Tackle!”

    Mr Chompy charged forward, his eyes fixed on his opponent; the determination was ripe on his face. His cheeks bulged as a torrent of water was released from them.

    Turtwig summoned a blaze of leaves that erupted from its wildly swinging head. They rushed forward, flying at Mr Chompy with deadly accuracy.

    The leaves were fast, and sharp. But they were also light as a feather. They were easily pushed aside by the Water Gun attack. Mr Chompy leapt from behind the veil of water and struck the Turtwig head on, sending it tumbling backward on in the long, untamed grass.

    “Woohoo!” I cried, jumping in the air, “great job Mr Chompy."

    Mr Chompy turned and chirruped in agreement, his two sharp front teeth chattering away.

    Daniel returned his Pokémon, and got a nasty look from his “coach.” He bowed his head in failure.

    I immediately stopped my victory dance, hoping I hadn’t got the boy into any trouble.

    *

    After returning back through the intensely claustrophobic streets and alleys to the high-rise Pokémon Centre, we both healed our Pokémon.

    We went our separate ways; after all, I could never keep up with the speed they walked. I left Jublife feeling empowered. Small victory after small victory, I was getting better and gaining confidence.

    With a smile on my face I strolled down the dirt track, awaiting my next challenge.

    The Oreburgh Gym.

    Next Chapter>
    Last edited by moonlightning; 16th January 2011 at 8:56 PM.
    Lol.

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