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Thread: Following the Dragon [Rated PG]

  1. #1
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    Default Following the Dragon [Rated PG]

    ~FOLLOWING the DRAGON~

    ~AUTHOR'S NOTE~
    The story of Following the Dragon loosely follows the story of Black and White, so if you have not completed those games, this may or may not contain spoilers. Again, the story loosely follows the story of Black and White, so it is not exactly the same. Only a few aspects are based off the games.

    ~CHARACTERS~
    Corinne
    [Information Card Coming Soon]


    ~CHAPTERS~
    Coming Soon

    ~PROLOGUE~
    The sun slowly peered through the window and placed itself upon the same pillow on which the amateur Pokemon trainer's head laid. The sun on her closed eyes began to irritate her, causing her to move around, slowly waking up. She stared up at her bare, white ceiling, and stretches her arms above her head, then folds one behind her head and neck. After a few moments of silence and staring at the ceiling, she reaches over to the desk next to her bed, opens a drawer and pulls out a Pokeball with a lightning bolt burned onto the red part.

    "Tonitrus," she says, pressing the button on the Pokeball, releasing her spiked yellow Pokemon.

    "Jolte!" The Jolteon exclaimed.

    "'Morning to you too, Tonitrus..." the trainer mumbled, slowly sitting herself up. "I guess I should get dressed..."

    "Jol, Jolte!" The Jolteon ran over to a pile of clothes in the corner of the room and pulls out a black jacket, pulling it over to her trainer.

    "Thanks, Tonitrus." The trainer smiled, putting it on over the black tank top she wore to bed. She pretty much passed out asleep the night before, so she was still wearing her dark denim jeans. She slowly walked over to a mirror and brushed her long reddish-brown hair, pulling it back into a pony.

    "Corinne!" A man's voice called from downstairs. "Breakfast!" The trainer sighed and walked over to the door in her bedroom.

    "Come on, Tonitrus." She said, opening the door and heading downstairs, the Jolteon following close behind. When the trainer made it to the bottom of the stairs, she saw a familiar face sitting at her kitchen table, with her father. "Professor Oak?"

    "Hello, Corinne. It's very nice seeing you again." The professor said with a smile.

    Yeah, nice seeing you, too..." the trainer mumbled, getting a glass of orange juice from her dad. "Why are you here, exactly? I mean it's a long way to Ecruteak from Pallet Town, couldn't you have called, or emailed?"

    "Well, yes, I could have, but this is important, I thought it would be best to meet with you and your father to discuss this." The professor smiled, taking a sip of his coffee that Corinne's father prepared for him.

    "What is... this, exactly?" Corinne asked.

    "I want to send a trainer to Unova, to record information on the Pokemon residing there, and I want to send you, Corinne." The professor told her.

    "What? Unova is... far away, and besides, what would be in it for me?" Corinne asked, drinking some of her juice.

    "Corinne," her father sighed, "it would be a nice experience to go to Unova, see new Pokemon, new people, I think it would be good for you..."

    "...And besides, Corinne," the professor added, "Unova features two of the best dragon trainers in the world, maybe they could assist you in becoming a dragon trainer, as well?"

    Corinne stared at the ground, thinking. Her lifelong dream was to become a dragon trainer, but Clair, Johto's dragon gym leader, refused to let her train dragon Pokemon, despite the champion, Lance's, requests.

    "If I can have a dragon by the time I come home, I'll do it." Corinne said.

    "I thought you would say that," the professor laughed, "now, I already have boat tickets for you," the professor handed out a ticket for Corinne to accept, "you'll leave from Olivine at six tonight."

    "Tonight? That's awfully soon, professor." Corinne's father said,

    "Sounds good," Corinne said, accepting the ticket. "I'll go pack."

    "Corinne," her father said, but it was too late, she already was in her room.

    "I'm sorry I didn't inform you of the time sooner," the professor exclaimed, "professor Juniper asked that I send the trainer soon. And by soon... I mean so he or she would be there by the weekend..."

    "I understand." Her father said, staring out the window.

    "Jolte!" The little Pokemon yelped, as she dug things out of the pile of clothes to drag over to her trainer.

    "I know, I'm kind of excited, too." Corinne sighed, "I hope they can help me get a dragon, Tonitrus." Corinne looked at the poster hanging on her wall. It was of a Dragonite emerging out of the water. She smiled at it slightly and put her necklace on. her necklace had a dragon scale on it. She then shoved all of the clothes Tonitrus dragged over into her backpack, and her notebook and pen, which were both dark gray with a black impression of a Dragonite on them. She grabbed her black Poke Gear and shoved it into her pocket, and laid back on her bed, and stared out the window. Tonitrus jumped up on the bed and cuddled up next to her trainer, and they both watched the sky grow cloudy. She and her Pokemon laid there until they saw the clock read five o'clock. By that time, it started to rain.

    "It's raining, Tonitrus." She smiled, pulling on her black canvas shoes, laughing at her Pokemon who was jumping in excitement. "Let's go."

    "Jolteon!" They both ran downstairs, meeting Corinne's father.

    "Be careful." He said, hugging his daughter.

    "I will, dad." She smiled.

    "It's raining, why don't you have Ignis fly you to Olivine?" He suggested, as Corinne's face grew an angered look.

    "Dad, it's raining. If I let Ignis out he'll die. I'll be fine walking." She said, heading towards the door.

    "Wait, Corinne," he walked up to her, handing her a box. "Professor Oak said to give this to you." She took the box, opened her backpack and put the box in her backpack.

    "I'll open it on the ship." She said, finally opening the door. "Bye, dad." She pulled her hood onto her head, walking out, with Tonitrus right behind.

    "Goodbye, Corinne..."

    Corinne closed the door behind her, held one of her backpack's straps with one hand, and held her hood with the other, so it wouldn't blow off. She and Tonitrus then proceeded to leave Ecruteak out of the western exit towards Route 38. By now, it was five fifteen and the rain was pouring down, so Corinne and Tonitrus decided to run.

    The two got to the Olivine dock by five forty-seven, thirteen minutes before the boat leaves for Castelia City in Unova. Before Corinne leaves for a new chapter in her life. Before Corinne has the chance to be a dragon trainer, her dream. They got on the ship and into their room. She sat her backpack down at the end of her bed, and Tonitrus jumped on the foot of the bed. Corinne sat down and leaned her head back against the wall as the intercom went off.

    "Attention passengers, we will be leaving Olivine City, Johto en route for Castelia City, Unova. We hope you enjoy your ride." Captain Kirk announced, over the intercom.

    And thus was the beginning of her journey.
    Last edited by anotherpromise; 16th March 2011 at 5:00 PM.
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  2. #2
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    Well, this seems really interesting! Not much to say, besides maybe expanding on your descriptions (although I think it's fine).

    I'll wait for the next chapter to really say anything, but this seems like a good story in the making. Right on time too! I was just browsing the forums for a good B&W fics. I was afraid I'd have to settle for something generic. This seems a bit more original. Good work so far, I await more!

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  3. #3
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    Thank you so much~ I will actually be editing this post to post the first chapter in a short while ^^

    ~CHAPTER 1~
    Corinne carefully opened the package her father had given her from professor Oak. Inside was a new card for her Poke Gear, still in it's plastic package, with the words "Multi-Region Call Card" written in big, bold, bright letters on the package. Inside the box was also a letter written by the professor.

    Corinne,

    I can not thank you enough for taking this journey to help me! Not only will you be helping me with my research, you will also be helping yourself. You'll meet a lot of new people, new Pokemon, and face new challenges in Unova that will help you grow as an individual, and as a trainer.

    Enough of my rambling, I must inform you of what to do when you get to Unova.
    You are going to dock in Castelia City. From there, you must make it to Nuvema Town to talk to professor Juniper. Also, you can not participate in Unova's gym challenge until you talk to professor Juniper. She is waiting for you.

    Thank you for your help, and I'll see you soon.
    Professor Samuel Oak.


    Corinne cut open the package the Poke Gear card came in, and installed it. As soon as the screen said the software had finished installing, she stuffed it back into her pocket, and looked at her Pokemon, sitting on the foot of the bed.

    "It's too bad we can't let everyone else out." Corinne sighed.

    "Jolte? Jo-Jolt?" The Pokemon barked.

    "Ignis, Turbatus and Arbor are 'too big' to be on the ship." Corinne laughed, reaching over to pet Tonitrus. "And Frigus would be trying to leave the room to scare everyone."

    A few more days had passed, Corinne and Tonitrus were starting to get claustrophobic, stuck in the ship. Luckily, today was Saturday. The day they dock.

    "Attention passengers," the captain said over the intercom, exciting Corinne, "we have docked in Castelia City, Unova. I thank you for riding with us." Corinne grabbed her backpack and pulled a pair of black aviator sunglasses out. She then put her backpack on and quickly left the cabin, with her Jolteon right behind her.

    "Thank you for riding with us." The attendant said with a smile as Corinne stepped off the ship, putting her aviators on. The vast cityscape amazed her. The tall, tall buildings, the bright screens displaying images and messages, the people bustling around like lunatics, it was all so overwhelming.

    "Jol..." The Pokemon sighed in amazement.

    "I know, Tonitrus..." Corinne was in awe, "this place is way bigger than Goldenrod, or Celadon, o-or... any city we've been to, for that matter." The two walk off the dock, still observing around, when Corinne noticed a man, wearing a green shirt, pink scarf and pink pants with green and black stripes, staring at her.

    "Excuse me," the man yells, rushing over to Corinne. "Is that a Jolteon?!" The man asked, squatting down to be more of Tonitrus' height. The Pokemon looked up at her trainer, kinda freaked out, Corinne just shrugged in response to her Pokemon's action.
    "We rarely see these kinds of Pokemon here, so this is a pleasure. Oh, I'm sorry, I'm being very rude." The man stood back up and held his hand out for Corinne to shake. "I am Burgh, Castelia City's own gym leader."

    "Oh, um.. it's nice to meet you, Burgh." She took his hand and shook it. "I'm Corinne."

    "It's nice to meet you, Corinne. So may I ask where you have come from?" Burgh asked.

    "Johto." Corinne replied, looking around the city some more.

    "Oh, wow. What made you decide to come here all the way from Johto?"

    "Professor Oak asked me to come here to help him record data on Unova Pokemon..." Corinne said, "actually, can you help me, Burgh? We need to get to Nuvema Town, and I have no idea where that is."

    "Oh, yes, right this way!" Burch exclaimed, walking towards the east side of town, Corinne and Tonitrus followed.

    "Jol-te?" Tonitrus mumbled to her trainer, quietly.

    "I think so..." Corinne mumbled back.

    Burgh lead them to the city's exit, where he pulled a map out of the 'free maps' holder. He opened it, and held it so Corinne could also see it.

    "We're here," he pointed to the part of the map that said, 'Castelia City,' "to get to Nuvema Town," he then pointed to where Nuvema Town was listed on the map, "you'll have to cross the Sky Arrow Bridge, go through the Pinwheel Forest, through Narcene City, Striaton City and Accumula Town." Burgh said, pointing to each location as the explained the trip.

    "Well," Corinne sighed, "that's an awful long walk if I can't challenge any gyms." She pulled out Tonitrus' Pokeball and called the Pokemon back in. She reached into her bag and pulled out a Pokeball with a flame burned into the red part out and walked out to the Sky Arrow Bridge. "Ignis!" She threw the ball into the air, releasing her black Charizard. She walked over to her Pokemon, petting his head. "It'll just be easier flying there, Burgh."

    "I agree," Burgh said as Corinne climbed on her Charizard's back. "I'll be looking forward to our gym battle, Corinne." Corinne nodded at the gym leader.

    "Let's go, Ignis." She yelled as the shiny Charizard flapped it's wings and roared, flying right over the bridge.

    The two landed on Route 1, just outside of Nuvema Town. She hopped off of Ignis' back and pulled him back into his Pokeball. She looked around, observing everything as she walked into the town, looking for professor Juniper's lab. When she spotted it, she opened the door and walked in, looking around for the professor.

    "Corinne?" A voice said, from the other room.

    "Yeah," Corinne replied.

    "I'm professor Juniper," the professor walked out of the other room, up to Corinne. "I've been expecting you." She said with a smile.

    "That's what professor Oak said..." Corinne said, "so professor Oak said I can't participate in Unova's gym challenge until I talk to you, correct?"

    "Oh, yes, that is correct. Come over here," the professor walked over to a desk with two computers on it, Corinne followed. "Can I have your Trainer ID?" Corinne reached into her bag pulling out a black and red hard plastic case. Inside the case were thick, hard plastic pages which held the Kanto and Johto gym badges, each on separate pages. At the front of the case was a sleeve where her Trainer ID was tucked away safely. She pulled it out and handed it to the professor.
    "I have to register your trainer information in the Pokemon League system here." the professor informed Corinne.

    "Okay." Corinne replied. "Also, professor Oak also said I may be able to train dragon Pokemon with the help of someone here?"

    "Yes," professor Juniper replied without lifting her eyes off of the computer she was typing on, "Drayden, mayor of Opelucid City, he is also their gym leader specializing in dragon Pokemon." She said, handing Corinne back her ID, which Corinne then tucked back into it's sleeve. "Can I have your Pokedex?" Corinne reached in her bag and pulled out her Pokedex, handing it to the professor for updating. "Drayden trained this girl, Iris, to be a great dragon trainer. If Iris can train dragons, you certainly can." Professor Juniper pulled out another plastic page for Corinne's badge case, with slots for Unova's badges engraved in it. She handed Corinne the page, a piece of paper with the professor's number written on it, and her Pokedex back.

    "Okay, thanks." Corinne said, putting the page in her badge case, closing the case, and putting it and her Pokedex back into her backpack. She put the piece of paper in her pocket.

    "The first gym you'll face is in Striaton City, north of here." The professor said.

    "Alright." Corinne said as she began to walk out.

    "Good luck, Corinne, call me if you need anything." Corinne nodded in response. She made her way back to Route 1, and let Tonitrus out of her Pokeball again.

    "Jol!" The Pokemon screamed in excitement. As the two walked, she recorded data for the few Pokemon she ran into in her Pokedex. Corinne was overwhelmed by the many different types of Pokemon she ran into, they were very different from the Pokemon she had grown up around. As night slowly came, Corinne and Tonitrus made it to Accumula Town. They found the town's Pokemon Center, and decided to call it a night, continuing their adventure the next morning.
    Last edited by anotherpromise; 16th March 2011 at 5:55 PM.
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  4. #4
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    Hm... I really want to know what these Pokemon are!

    Anyways, decent chapter. I have to be honest, since it's kind of the start of the story, you might have wanted to make it a little bit "bigger" you know? Bring something with an "umf"! But it's decent start to the story. I still want to read it. I also can't wait to see how you handle the next problem; Gym Battles.

    Uhhh, the first Gym, there is a Pansear, a Panpour, and a Pansage. None of the three can stand up to a Charizard. How? It's up to you...

    I await the third chapter! Good job though, not outstanding, but definitely decent.

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  5. #5
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    Yes, yes, I have thought of how to handle the gym battles Thank you for your comments and such. and yes, the next chapter is going to develop a lot more than these two, let's just say these were kind of "introductory" lol. I will be editing in the next chapter as soon as I finish writing it, thank you again
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    ~CHAPTER 2~
    Corinne staggered outside of the Pokemon Center the next morning, while munching on the muffin she had for breakfast. The sun was so bright, and her eyes were still weak, as she had just recently woke up, so she slipped her aviators on to block the sun some. Accumula Town was quiet and peaceful, Corinne liked it. She finished off her muffin and released Tonitrus from her ball.

    "Jol!" The Pokemon exclaimed, as Corinne bent down to pet her partner's head. Suddenly, she heard some commotion from the other side of the town. Being as curious as she was, Corinne had to rush over to see what was going on. She joined the large group of people surrounding a group of people robed in gray, who were surrounding a light green haired man in interesting garments.

    "My name is Ghetsis. I am here to represent Team Plasma!" the green haired guy announced, "I am here today to talk to you all about Pokemon liberation!" the crowd started talking amongst themselves, questioning Ghetsis' words. "I know a lot of you people believe we and Pokemon are partners because we want and need each other." Ghetsis said, as he began pacing. "HOWEVER! Do you humans ever consider, we humans only believe that this is the truth?"

    "Jol..." Tonitrus mumbled, looking up at her trainer who was focusing on Ghetsis.

    "Pokemon get pushed around and forced to do our bidding. Do you really believe this is what they want?" Ghetsis said, pacing the other way, looking at Corinne's Pokemon, as she was the only Pokemon out of her ball at the time of the speech. "Do you really believe we, and Pokemon, are equals? We don't treat them like they are. And this is why I say to you, ladies and gentlemen, we must release our Pokemon!" The people in the crowd began talking.

    "Release our Pokemon?"

    "Are they really upset with us?"

    "Only then, shall we humans, and Pokemon, be equals." Ghetsis turned to face the crowd. " I thank you all for taking the time to listen, and I thank you all for considering to release your Pokemon." Ghetsis turned around as two of the hooded men picked up the flags they had sitting on each side of them, and the rest of the hooded men surrounded Ghetsis as they walked off.

    "Jol..." the Jolteon sighed, putting her ears back, looking up at her trainer.

    "Don't worry, Tonitrus." Corinne kneeled down next to her Pokemon, petting her on her head. "Why would I release you? You're like my best friend, there's no way I'd do that. I don't care that that man said." The Pokemon's ears perked back up as she let out a little cry of excitement. as Corinne stood back up, she noticed a guy who looked about her age staring at her and Tonitrus. This guy had long, flowing green hair, a black and white baseball cap, tan colored pants, and a white polo shirt over a black shirt. The guy walked over to her, eyeing Tonitrus the whole time.

    "I have... never seen a Pokemon like that with my own eyes." The guy said, kneeling down, looking at Tonitrus. "Hi there..." he said in a soft voice.

    "Jol?" Tonitrus looked up at Corinne, asking if he was safe.

    "It's okay, Tonitrus." Corinne said, moving her attention to the green haired guy, "I'm sorry, she's kind of weary of new people at first, she was almost taken by Team Rocket back in Johto once."

    "I understand." He said, reaching a hand out to Tonitrus, "do you know what your Pokemon is saying to you?" He asked, standing back up, looking at Corinne.

    "Of course I do." Corinne smiled slightly. "I can understand my Pokemon."

    "Oh, really." The guy said looking back down. "My name is N."

    "Corinne."

    "Well, Corinne, since you're obviously not from around here, why are you?" N asked,

    "I was asked to come here to gain information on Unova's Pokemon." She replied, seeing N's expression change.

    "So you're going to confine many, many Pokemon into Pokeballs for that, then." N sighed. "Are Pokemon really happy that way?"

    "I refuse to keep Pokemon in Pokeballs if they're just going to sit in the PC for ungodly amounts of time. I only keep my Pokemon in Pokeballs." Corinne replied.

    "I see, you're different than other trainers in that regard. I, too, feel as though PC's are terrible for Pokemon." N looked down to Tonitrus. "You're Jolteon, says things I have never heard a Pokemon say..." N sighed and looked straight into Corinne's eyes, "as long as Pokemon are confined in Pokeballs, they aren't going to be perfect beings. I have to change the world for Pokemon, because they're my friends..." N turned and began to walk away. "I know we will meet again, Corinne. I look forward to it." He turned and began to exit our of Accumula's southern exit.

    "Jolte?" Tonitrus cried out,

    "He was... interesting, to say the least." Corinne said to her Pokemon. "But we have to get to the first gym, so let's go." She said as she and her Pokemon headed towards Accumula's northern exit. The two walk up Route 2 as noon approaches. They soon come to a small clearing, where Corinne decides to stop for some lunch that she got from the Pokemon Center before leaving that morning. She poured water in a small bowl for Tonitrus, and helped herself to the sandwich she had brought. As the two sat there enjoying their lunch, Tonitrus was alerted by some rustling nearby.

    "Jol..." the Pokemon stood in a fighting stance, looking in the direction of the sound. Soon, the guy they had met earlier walked by, stopping to look at the two.

    "Oh, it's you." Corinne said, motioning for Tonitrus to calm down.

    "What did you expect, me to be some freak trying to attack you?" N replied.

    "Well we're just cautious, after dealing with Team Rocket," Corinne was interrupted before she could finish,

    "But we don't have Team Rocket here, remember that." N stated.

    "I guess," Corinne said, finishing her sandwich, "we're still used to being cautious."

    "Understandable." N said, continuing past, "I have to go." Corinne nodded as N walked away. She sat there a minute, drinking the water that was leftover in the bottle from pouring for Tonitrus.

    "Let's go, we won't get any closer to Striaton sitting here." Corinne stood up and began walking again. Her Pokemon close behind. Just over thirty minutes of walking, Corinne and Tonitrus finally make it to Striaton City. Corinne scans the environment, admiring the town's architecture. Soon, an interesting building catches her eye. This building featured a familiar logo. The logo of the Pokemon League. Corinne quickly walks up to the building, only to see that the door is being blocked by a man.

    "I'm sorry," the man said, "the gym leaders aren't here right now."

    "Oh..." Corinne sighed in disappointment. "Well, where could I find them?"

    "Ambitious, are you?" The man laughed, pointing to the east side of town. "They went over to the Dream Yard with local scientist, Fennel. You can head on over, if you want to."

    "Thanks." Corinne said, turning in the direction of the Dream Yard. "Come on, Tonitrus."

    "Jolteon!" The Pokemon called as the two began to head to the Dream Yard. As they enter the Dream Yard, Corinne is shocked to see the Dream Yard are the remains of an old factory.

    "There has to be a way in," Corinne said, wandering around, soon finding a missing piece of the chain link fence surrounding the building. She carefully climbed through, with Tonitrus jumping in behind her. They look around, seeing no signs of the gym leaders, or the scientist.

    "Jol, Jol!" Tonitrus yelled to her trainer.

    "Below us?" Corinne replied, knowing exactly what her Pokemon said. "There's a basement?"

    "Jolte, Jolteon." Tonitrus responded.

    "Well, they must be down there, wherever it is..." She said as she noticed a set of stairs going down, behind a fence. "I have an idea... sorry Tonitrus, this is where you come back." the Pokemon nodded as her trainer pulled her back into her ball. Corinne ran up to the fence and climbed over, running down the stairs on the other side. When she got downstairs, she saw three men, wearing similar clothing, only their hair being different. One had spiky, red hair, one had short, green hair, and the last had longer, wavy, blue hair. She also saw a woman wearing a lab coat, and two hooded 'Team Plasma' men, kicking a small, pink Pokemon.

    "You guys need to stop." The blue haired guy said.

    "You really think you'll accomplish something by hurting that Munna?!" The red haired guy yelled.

    "You pathetic gym leaders do not understand. We need the dream mist!" One of the Team Plasma men yelled.

    "You men plan on 'liberating' Pokemon, yet you fail to care that you're hurting one?" Corinne spoke up, "that Pokemon is crying in pain, and you can't even hear her."

    "Who are you?" One of the Plasma men asked her,

    "Who cares," the other said, "Liepard!" The man threw his Poke Ball, revealing his purple and tan feline Pokemon.

    The three gym leaders and scientist looked at Corinne as she pulled out a Poke Ball with a snowflake burned on the red part.

    "Let's show them how that Pokemon feels, Frigus." The Poke Ball released a small purple and red creature with long, sharp claws. The Pokemon opened it's eyes and smiled at her opponent, the Liepard.

    "Weavile!" Corinne's Pokemon yelled, staring at the Plasma man's Pokemon. The three gym leaders looked in awe at the Pokemon Corinne released.

    "Okay, Frigus. Ice Punch." Corinne ordered, and her Pokemon responded.

    "Weavile!" The Pokemon used it's speed to run towards the Liepard, punching it with it's freezing claws, the Liepard attempted to jump out of the way, but Frigus was too quick for it.

    "Shadow Ball!" The Plasma man ordered, as a dark energy ball formed at the Liepard's mouth, firing it towards Frigus, who held it's claws over it's face in attempt to block it.

    "Frigus, Focus Blast." Just before the Pokemon could begin the attack, they were interrupted.

    "You two, what are you doing?!" Ghetsis yelled at the two Plasma men.

    "G-Ghetsis?!" The men both stuttered.

    "You two are in a lot of trouble. You better leave. Now." Ghetsis ordered.

    "Y-yes si-sir..." The men both ran out, the one calling it's Liepard back in the process.

    Corinne looked around to see where Ghetsis came from or went. It was almost as if he appeared out of thin air.

    "What?" The green haired guy mumbled, in confusion.

    "Musharna." The scientist announced as she approached the Munna. "She saw this Munna was in danger, and took control of the Plasma men's worst nightmare in order to save her."

    "Wait, we were asleep?" The blue haired guy asked,

    "Not necessarily, you know how when you're so tired, you tend to hallucinate?" She asked, and the three gym leaders nodded, "there is your answer." She smiled at the Munna. "She's alright, thanks to Musharna, and you," turning to Corinne, "I don't know who you are, but thank you."

    "I don't like people hurting Pokemon." Corinne said, as Frigus walked over to her, "I'm Corinne."

    "Fennel. I study Munna and Musharna." She said, looking at her wris****ch, "oh, I better get back home now. I'm sorry." Fennel announced, running back up the stairs. The three men soon slowly followed her.

    "Corinne," the red haired gym leader said, before leaving, "meet us at the Striaton gym later."

    After the three gym leaders left, Corinne looked down at her Weavile.

    "Vie?" The Pokemon said, looking at her trainer,

    "Those three? They were gym leaders. Who we're gonna challenge. Come on," Corinne motioned for the Weavile to follow her, but instead, the Pokemon jumped on her back and wrapped it's arms around her neck, using her for a ride. "Fine, I'll carry you."

    "Wea-Wea-Wea!" The Pokemon exclaimed, happy to have gotten her way.

    Corinne and Frigus arrived at the Striaton gym. Nervous and excited, Corinne opened the door and walked in. Looking around and seeing no one, she was confused.

    "We've been expecting you." A voice said, as three curtains dropped in front of her. The three trainers emerged from behind each.

    "I am Cilan." The green haired trainer said.

    "I am Chili." The red haired trained said.

    "And I am Cress." The blue haired trainer said.

    "The three of us are the gym leaders here in Striaton City." Cilan announced.

    "And normally," Chili began, "I will face a trainer if they have selected Snivy as their starter from professor Juniper. Cilan will face a trainer who has selected Oshawott, and Cress will face a trainer who has selected Tepig."

    "But," Cress began, "it's obvious, by you having a Weavile, you've been a trainer for a while now." Cress laughed.

    "So, we request you choose one Pokemon to face us with." Cilan said to her.

    "Okay." Corinne said. "I'll choose Arbor." Corinne pulled the Poke Ball with a leaf burned into the red part out, and sent out her Sceptile.

    "A grass type!" Chili yelled, "this is my game! Go, Simisear!" The monkey Pokemon came out of it's ball. The Pokemon's head resembled Chili's hair, which made Corinne laugh a little.

    "Alright, this will be fun, Night Slash, Arbor!" Corinne yelled, as her Pokemon ran towards it's opponent, holding it's arm so the blade-like leaf on it was sticking out. Chili's Simisear attempted to jump out of the way, being slightly hit by the Sceptile's attack.

    "Simisear, Incinerate!" Chili yelled, as flames started to form in a circle around the foot of the Simisear. the heat then radiated outwards, hitting Arbor, slightly burning him.

    "You alright, Arbor?" Corinne asked,

    "Scep." The Pokemon said in reply, telling it's trainer it was okay.

    "Don't let it rest, Simisear. Fury Swipes!" The red monkey Pokemon ran towards the Sceptile, and began scratching it ferociously with it's claws. Arbor began backing up, in attempt to escape the attack, failing.

    "Arbor!" Corinne called out, "Dragon Claw!" The Pokemon pulled it's claw back, slashing the Simisear with a lot of force, enough to send the Pokemon flying across the room. It landed, struggling to stand back up.

    "Sim..." The Pokemon mumbled.

    "Come on, Simisear, you can do it, pull through it." Chili called out, "not bad, Corinne."

    "Thanks. Same to you, Chili." Corinne replied to the gym leader.

    "But, don't get cocky, this isn't over," Chili said, looking to his Pokemon. "Ready Simisear?"

    "Seah!" The Pokemon yelled out.

    "Alright, ready Arbor?" Corinne asked her Pokemon.

    "Scep!" Arbor yelled out.

    "Flame Charge, Simisear!" Chili called out,

    "Prepare yourself, Arbor!" Corinne called out as Chili's Simisear coated it's body with flames, and began to charge towards Arbor. Arbor braced itself and prepared itself for whatever move Corinne called out. As Simisear ran closer, Corinne waited for her opportunity. When she saw the Simisear was close enough, she yelled out, "now, Arbor! Brick Break!" Arbor jumped up and slashed down on the Simisear, while Arbor burned itself in the process of using this attack, it was just enough to knock out Simisear.

    "What?!" Chili yelled out, "ugh, come back, Simisear." He called out as he pulled Simisear back in its ball.

    "Good job, Arbor!" Corinne called out as she pulled her Pokemon back in its ball.

    "Good job, Corinne." Chili said, walking across the room, holding his hand out to shake Corinne's.

    "Thanks, you too." She replied, shaking his hand.

    "Corinne," Cress called out, "where are you from? Having a Weavile and Sceptile...?"

    "Johto." Corinne replied, as Chili walked past and went over to a desk at the front of the gym, pulling out a badge for Corinne.

    "But, a Sceptile? Isn't that a Hoenn-native Pokemon?" Cilan asked.

    "My father's from Hoenn, his first Pokemon was a Treecko. Arbor is the daughter of my father's Sceptile." Corinne replied.

    "Oh." Cress and Cilan said at the same time.

    "Here." Chili said, holding out the badge for Corinne to accept. "It's the Trio badge, sign that you beat our gym, I'm sure you've heard this speech a thousand times."

    "Sixteen, actually." Corinne laughed, acceppting the badge, putting it into it's slot in the badge case. "Seventeen, now. Thank you."

    "Next, you're going to want to head west down Route 3. You'll go through the Wellspring Cave, and eventually come to Nacrene City. You'll find your next gym there."

    "Okay, thank you." Corinne said, heading towards the door. "Hopefully we will meet again." The three gym leaders waved as she walked out of their gym. Corinne looked to the western exit, looking towards the next step on her journey.
    [IMG]http://i55.*******.com/ac3f61.png[/IMG] [img]http://i52.*******.com/161xok2.gif[/img]

  7. #7
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    Hey again!

    Not bad, not bad. I like this one better. Finally, got to know another one of her Pokemon! hahaha. So I know she has a Sceptile, Weavile, Jolteon and I think a Charizard, since you said he'd die if he flew out in the rain. Hm. I can't wait to see how this unfolds.

    Pretty interesting way of taking on the Gym thing. I assume that the Gym Leaders each have two parties? One for noob trainers and one for the more experienced?

    Overall, pretty good. Description could get a bit bulkier, although I myself have no problem with how it is in its current state. But there's always room for improvement, right? Now I just wonder about one more thing; capture. Is she going to capture her own Pokemon in Unova? Hmmm... I can't wait for the next installment! You're posting these pretty quickly! Kudos to you!

    Feel like you need a little more Pokemon in your life? Tune into our show!
    EPISODE 55 - SLOWPOKE HOLIDAY
    Looking for something Pokemon-related to listen to while playing through Pokemon XY? This episode is for you!!
    Released: 12/11/14


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  8. #8
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    Why thank you! I'm glad you're enjoying them ^^

    And yes, she will capture her own Pokemon in Unova, you'll just have to wait and see what and when Thank you for all of your support Means a ton :3
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  9. #9
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    No problem! Thank you for writing! It's a really nice spin on Unova so far. I can't wait to see what happens next.

    Feel like you need a little more Pokemon in your life? Tune into our show!
    EPISODE 55 - SLOWPOKE HOLIDAY
    Looking for something Pokemon-related to listen to while playing through Pokemon XY? This episode is for you!!
    Released: 12/11/14


    Guess who claimed Luxray?!

  10. #10
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    Well thank you ^^ next chapter will be posted in a day or two.
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  11. #11
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    Hey everyone; just wanted to say sorry for the time away, and I'm back! New chapter will be posted soon!
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  12. #12
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    Hey!! Thought I should critique your work. All points made are based on my opinions, which you are free to ignore if you disagree with them.

    First off, the prologue:

    "Thanks, Tonitrus." The trainer smiled, putting it on over the black tank top she wore to bed. She pretty much passed out asleep the night before, so she was still wearing her dark denim jeans. She slowly walked over to a mirror and brushed her long reddish-brown hair, pulling it back into a pony.
    A lot of adjectives and redundancies. I noticed some information (I am not quite sure which) that I quite doubt readers will need to know. I would probably drop the 'she wore in bed' for example. Unless there is something special about her personality or her clothing, give readers only the necessary information. Also, too many adjectives dulls the story as they keep TELLING what is happening. I would reduce the usage of the adjectives and attempt to SHOW readers what her features are like.

    "Come on, Tonitrus." She said, opening the door and heading downstairs, the Jolteon following close behind.
    Separate sentence. The subject of the current sentence is the person tagging the quote (in this case, the trainer).

    "Well, yes, I could have, but this is important, I thought it would be best to meet with you and your father to discuss this." The professor smiled, taking a sip of his coffee that Corinne's father prepared for him.
    The 4th comma in Oak's quote should be replaced with a full-stop. Also, the last bolded phrase is another redundancy. Do readers need to know that Corinne's father prepared Oak's coffee? Do readers need to keep this in mind later on in the story?

    "I want to send a trainer to Unova, to record information on the Pokemon residing there, and I want to send you, Corinne." The professor told her.
    You seem to develop a liking for long sentences in people's quotes. Try standing in front of the mirror and read this quote aloud. Does it sound natural? A fullstop should appear after 'residing there'. Also, you don't need to tag Professor Oak to tell readers he is saying this. In the last two dialogues, you tagged Oak then Corinne. Hence, without tagging this quote, readers will know this belongs to Oak and the next quote after this belongs to Corinne. If your quotes alternate between Oak and Corinne only, tag only the first two quotes and readers will be able to follow up the rest of the quotes.

    "Corinne," her father sighed, "it would be a nice experience to go to Unova, see new Pokemon, new people, I think it would be good for you..."
    Again, this quote sounds unnatural because its too long. Add fullstops in quotes, as people nowadays tend to speak in small sentences.

    "now, I already have boat tickets for you,"
    I scratched my head reading this one. I thought I read somewhere in bulbapedia that the only way to Unova is by plane. I could be wrong. I have to research this.

    she already was in her room.
    Although this makes sense, the order is hardly used. swap the two around.

    "I'm sorry I didn't inform you of the time sooner," the professor exclaimed, "professor Juniper asked that I send the trainer soon. And by soon... I mean so he or she would be there by the weekend..."

    "I understand." Her father said, staring out the window.
    All this should be removed. These do not fit in Corinne's perspective and I doubt she has very sensitive ears or X-ray vision. You began in Corinne's point of view, so write the story through her eyes, not the narrator's.

    She smiled at it slightly and put her necklace on. her necklace had a dragon scale on it.
    She smiled at it slightly and put on her dragon scale necklace.

    She and her Pokemon laid there until they saw the clock read five o'clock.
    Lunch?

    She took the box, opened her backpack and put the box in her backpack.
    There's no need to go this brief. Is it necessary for readers to know how she puts things in her backpack? I would simply leave this as 'She took the box and put it in her bag'.

    The two got to the Olivine dock by five forty-seven, thirteen minutes before the boat leaves for Castelia City in Unova. Before Corinne leaves for a new chapter in her life. Before Corinne has the chance to be a dragon trainer, her dream. They got on the ship and into their room. She sat her backpack down at the end of her bed, and Tonitrus jumped on the foot of the bed. Corinne sat down and leaned her head back against the wall as the intercom went off.
    Something here seems odd. It seemed Corinne is like a robot doing all this all in less than one minute. It's probably just me, but I think it was due to redundancies. Readers don't need to know 'how' Corinne gets on the boat unless there is something important.

    --

    Now, Chapter 1:

    Corinne carefully opened the package her father had given her from professor Oak. Inside was a new card for her Poke Gear, still in it's plastic package, with the words "Multi-Region Call Card" written in big, bold, bright letters on the package. Inside the box was also a letter written by the professor.
    Careful. Some readers will not dive into the prologue and will go straight into chapter 1 without reading it. Prologue only provides an alternative introduction, an optional read. I noticed some things here e.g. 'new card for Poke Gear' which requires readers to read the prologue. I would probably change the prologue into chapter 1, chapter 1 into chapter 2 and so on.

    A few more days had passed, Corinne and Tonitrus were starting to get claustrophobic, stuck in the ship. Luckily, today was Saturday. The day they dock.
    That's a huge time-skip. What I learnt at the beginning of this chapter is Corinne installed the new card in her Gear, and pretty much that's it. When you 'fastforward' your story, the previous event must have some plot or action related to the mainplot. I would either merge the event with the C-Gear with the prologue, or have Corinne meet someone who's going to appear later in the story. If readers haven't read much about the plotline and read some 'fastforwards', they will question the relevance of the previous event.

    "Attention passengers," the captain said over the intercom, exciting Corinne, "we have docked in Castelia City, Unova. I thank you for riding with us." Corinne grabbed her backpack and pulled a pair of black aviator sunglasses out. She then put her backpack on and quickly left the cabin, with her Jolteon right behind her.
    Redundancy. If nothing is going to happen to Corinne as she leaves the cabin, skip all the way to her departing the ship.

    The Pokemon looked up at her trainer, kinda freaked out, Corinne just shrugged in response to her Pokemon's action.
    Again with the long sentences. Be aware of the subjects in your sentences. In this one, its Jolteon. Put Corinne in another sentence.

    The man stood back up and held his hand out for Corinne to shake
    Redundancy. Simply 'held his hand out' tells readers he wants a handshake.

    So may I ask where you have come from?
    Remove 'have'.

    "Let's go, Ignis." She yelled as the shiny Charizard flapped it's wings and roared, flying right over the bridge.

    --

    The two landed on Route 1, just outside of Nuvema Town.
    It's possible a great deal of time passed by. If so, put double ellipses to indicate this.

    "Good luck, Corinne, call me if you need anything." Corinne nodded in response. She made her way back to Route 1, and let Tonitrus out of her Pokeball again.
    I wondered if Juniper thought about giving Corinne a starter.

    --

    I will stop my review here.

    You did better in the prologue than chapter 1, probably because it was an optional beginning. There are a few things going on and its a good thing no characters are left standing in one spot lost in their mind.

    What is most concerning is the lack of reference to the main plot. In the prologue, I am aware Corinne's main goal is to become a dragon trainer, but there was very little reference to this goal onwards. So far, it seems Corinne is taking on the badge quest and becoming a champion rather a dragon trainer. What Corinne encounters, and her actions taken, should be related somehow to the main plot. One thing I can suggest is add another character to the story, probably also wanting to be a dragon trainer. Let Corinne meet rivals, encounter uncomfortable situations and doubts that she will ever become a dragon trainer. A surprise twist you can put is bringing Claire in and attack Corinne's goal with her. It may be hard to 'punish' or 'hurt' your protagonist, but its the only effective way of hooking readers into the story.

    I also notice a few redundancies along the way. I have mentioned a few, but its important to know what readers will think once they read a certain phrase. E.g. you wrote 'extend his hand out'. Readers will think 'he's trying to shake his hand', hence you don't need to add 'to shake hands with her'.

    Hope this helps!

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