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Thread: Search and Rescue

  1. #1

    Default Search and Rescue (Baniricchi x Gochiruzeru)

    I'm usually good with script as my first stories were play writes. Hoping this doesn't get closed...

    EDIT: I forgot the damn rating: I'm setting it to G

    EDIT: if the paring doesn't show up in the title: it's Baniricchi x Gochiruzeru im writing about


    PART ONE

    One Saturday morning at 10:00AM, trainer Amy Kiev and her friends Ally and Steve were sitting around the dining room table, drinking coffee and discussing the latest events. As they were talking, Amy watches the time. So that she knows when to ring the bell for her and her friends’ Pokémon.

    Ally: (holds up the newspaper) Hey check out the horoscopes!

    Amy: People still believe in those? I can understand Amy because that’s what she’s made for but I thought…

    Steve: Maybe it’s a chick thing…

    Ally: (slams the newspaper on the desk, yells) NO, IT’S NOT JUST A “CHICK” THING! Guys believe in it as well.

    Steve: (uninterested) Yeah yeah. Where’s the football games?

    Amy: Yeah, Steve, football games come in the paper 4 weeks at a time. (puts her hand on his shoulder) It’s only been 2 weeks since the last football article.

    Steve: Is there AT LEAST a funny article or something?

    Amy takes the newspaper and flips around through the articles. She tries to find a funny article, however there was no comic section for the week. Just as she lost hope, she found an article that caught her eye.

    Amy: (excitedly) Hey guys! I found this neat article! (reads) “5 Ways to Tell if Your Pokémon Are Spoiled Rotten”

    Ally: Well I got nothing else to do, why not take this quiz for the laughs?

    Amy: (hands out notepad paper) Okay. (hands paper to Ally) One for you, (hand paper to Steve) one for you… and… (tears 6 pages) 6 for me!

    Steve: (confused) Why do you get 6?

    Ally: She’s got 6 Pokémon ding dong!

    Amy: Guys, let’s begin…

    As Amy picked up the newspaper, she was interrupted by a loud “Cott-neee!” from outside. She looked out the window and saw Cloudy walking around the bushes.

    Steve: Hey, is Cloudy aiight?

    Amy: I think so. I think they are just playing either Hide and Go Seek or Marco Polo.

    Ally: Good! Let’s begin!

    As Amy was about to read the newspaper for the second time, she was interrupted by not only knock on the back door, but a loud, frantic cry from one of her Pokémon. Worried, she went to the door to see what was going on. There stood Swirly.

    Amy: (worried) What’s wrong Swirly?

    Vanilluxe : (crying) Someone took Amy from me

    Amy: (gasps) Amy was… kidnapped?

    Vanilluxe : (frantic) Si! Si!

    Amy: Did she go near the Pawnirds again?

    Vanilluxe : (drops to the floor, punching the ground) NU NU NU NU NU!

    Amy: (points to the other Pokemon) Can any of you guys tell me what’s wrong on?

    All of the Pokemon begin telling their sides simultaneously

    Chandelure: We-were-training-and..

    Cloudy/Cottanee: I-heard-her-scream-and..

    Axew: I-don’t-know-what-happened

    Klinklang: I-don’t-know…

    Amy grew more and more annoyed as the Pokemon continued to talk at the same time. Finally, she had to tell them to be quiet.

    Amy: (annoyed, yelling) QUIET!

    Everyone stops talking and looks up at Amy

    Amy: (calmer) One at a time now. Hm… Kendell?

    Chandelure: We were both training, when I heard her scream, but when I looked, I didn’t see her

    Ally: (worried) Where could she be?

    Amy: I have no idea, but they said that she wasn’t where the Pawnirds were. (looks at Vanilluxe ) Don’t worry, buddy. We will get her back! I’m sure of it!

    Vanilluxe : (teary-eyed) I hope so, I love her.

    As Amy began to step out into the field to scan the area, she stepped on what seems to be a white bow. When she picked it up, it was clear to her that it was more than just a white bow; it was one of Amy Rose’s feelers.

    Amy: (holding the feeler up close) Something bad must of happened to her if she left her feelers here. She never leaves without them.
    Last edited by はるひ; 9th April 2011 at 7:15 AM.
    岩根雅明=♡

  2. #2

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Encyclopika View Post
    You must include the shipping at the top of your first post. From your sig, I assume this is a story about your B/W team. In which case, you would say the shipping is Pokemon Species A x Pokemon Species Y, or Pokemon Species A x Trainer Name.

    Example: Emboar x Vanilluxe ; Emboar x Amy (trainer)

    Please add this by the end of Saturday or I'l have to close this. Thank you.
    It's done. I wish i can change titles.
    岩根雅明=♡

  3. #3

    Default

    PART TWO:

    While looking at the ribbon-like feeler; Swirly had a flashback. As flashback from when he was side by side with Amy. When she looked into his eyes and begged him never to leave her side. That was the day he gave her a ribbon. A promise ribbon to be exact, to let her know that he promises to never leave her and always protect her. To be there when she needed him. The more Swirly replayed that flashback in his head, the more angry and determined he became.


    Chandelure: (concerned) Swirly, are you alright?

    Vanilluxe: (sarcastic) Yeah, Kendell. I feel great! The girl that I love with everything I have has been taken from me. Yep, I feel so great; I can unleash a blizzard that can knock most of you dead.

    Chandelure: (crosses his hands) Your sarcasm hurts, Swirly. It really does…

    Vanilluxe: … and your lack of common sense does the same to me. (irritated) Think for a minute, Kendell. My girl has been taken away from me. Not just any girl, but the love of my life. How would you think I’d feel as of now?

    Chandelure: (irritated) Okay, okay! I get it. Don’t get angry at me, man.

    Axew: (puts his hand on Kendell’s arm) It’s alright, kid. Swirly yells and screams at everyone. It’s in his nature to be… a brute.

    Swirly was getting close to his breaking point. So close that he unleashed a mild snow storm with a temperature of 10 degrees Fahrenheit.

    Amy: (looks around surprised) Did the weather change?

    Steve: Looks like it, we better go inside, feels like it’s negative 400 out here.

    Ally: Yeah the Pokemon can pretty much handle themselves. Let’s go.

    The three trainers head inside the house to take cover. Meanwhile, the snow storm gradually weakens as a wind of emotions came over Swirly. It hit him like a ton of bricks when he saw Amy’s feeler on the ground. He picked it up and gave it a tight squeeze before he let out a tear.

    Vanilluxe: Guys, look. (shows feeler to the others) This is the only clue I have to track down Amy. Do any of you have some kinda tracking devices? Something? (looks at Meow) How ‘bout you Meow? Start smelling.

    Skitty: (backs up) Woah man! Yo, as much as I love Ames as a friend, I am a cat, not a dog. If I were a dog, they’d call me “Woof” not Meow.

    Vanilluxe: (annoyed) Listen. Your nose is the closest thing I have to tracking down my girl. Now stop talking, and start smelling before I unleash the sheer cold…

    Skitty: (sighs) Fine. As you wish… Swirly.

    Meow starts to sniff the feeler from Swirly’s hand. Once he got a sent, he immediately headed deeper into the backyard forest where they were training. For Meow, the sent was getting stronger and stronger as he ran deeper into the forest. However, as he ran, he came up to a huge tower for which to get across; you had to cross the bridge. Knowing what kind of tower it was, Meow stopped dead in his tracks and pointed to the tower.

    Everyone except Swirly: Woah…..

    Vanilluxe: Ah! So that’s where my Amy is. In that castle. Well… I’m going in.

    AS Swirly went ahead across the bridge, Kendell, Meow and Klinklang followed behind him, trying to warn him about what possible dangers lie ahead in the mysterious castle.

    Chandelure: (yells out) Swirly! Wait! Don’t go in there! They put dragons in there!

    Klinklang: (yells out) They put Haxouses in there! Worse, Hydrogens!

    Meow: Same thing Klinklang! They are ALL dragons!

    When Swirly finally reached the entrance to the castle, he felt relived. He was that much closer to rescuing his true love. But as he proceeded to go in, he was quickly blocked by Kendell, Meow and Klinklang.

    Chandelure: Swirly, if you go in there, then you are going to need us.

    Vanilluxe: … and… why?

    Skitty: Well… if it wasn’t for ME, you wouldn’t have known your girlfriend was in this castle.

    Klinklang: Also I can be your shield. If you’re willing to play the brave knight here, then you need a shield… especially since there are dragons here.

    Chandelure: Me? You know how castles are. They are dark, scary, spooky… dark. I’ll light the way.

    Vanilluxe: (sighs) If I let you HELP me, do you guys promise not to annoy me?

    Chandelure, Skitty and Klinklang: We promise!

    As Swirly set foot inside the castle, he motioned for the trio to follow him. Inside it was a dark, warm and wet place. Rocks dropping in different places, leaks in the roof and growling sounds up close. Even though the castle looked shaky to the group, they still kept on going. Well, the trio, being careful not to talk to Swirly too much. As the breathing and growling sounds got more noticeable, Swirly also heard another sound. However it was a sound he was most delighted to hear: Amy’s voice.

    Gothitelle: (very faintly) HELLLLPPPP!!!

    Vanilluxe: (surprised) Amy! I’m close to her! I know it!

    Kendell proceeds to a corner where he thinks is safe from the leaking ceiling. As soon as he stood there and turned his back at the huge hole in the wall, an eye appeared. Not just any eye, but a dragon’s eye appeared in the space where the giant hole in the wall was.

    Chandelure: Well, I’m glad that we didn’t see any dragons yet…

    ???: (excitedly)Hello, Kendell.

  4. #4

    Default

    PART 3: (points if you catch a reference)

    Chandelure: (jumps back, gasps) Who dat?

    ???: Um… this Z.

    Chandelure: Z? As in… the legendary Z?

    ???: Yeah, this is Z.

    Chandelure: Z! Lemmie here you say ROAR!

    ???: (voice breaking) Rawwwwwrrr-rr

    Chandelure: (scoffs) This aint no darn Z.

    The mysterious dragon disappears from the hole in the wall and proceeds to exit the room it was originally resting in. From the corner of Kendell’s eye… a silhouette of a dragon emerged from a hallway entrance. As the silhouette cleared more and more, it became more apparent to the gang who this dragon really was. It wasn’t “Z” but none other than Reshiram.

    Reshiram: Okay, I’m not Z. Wish I was…

    Vanilluxe: (scoffs) Oh great…

    Reshiram: Soo… what brings you guys to this lovely castle?

    Chandelure: Well, we are looking for Mrs. Swirly. Have you seen her?

    Reshiram: (scratches his chin) Mrs. Swirly… (it dongs on him) OH! I forgot Swirly had a partner.

    Chandelure: Y’know. She’s the little girl with a bow in her hair and she led the team. You were there.

    Vanilluxe: (annoyed) Now that we established that Reshiram knows who Amy is, CAN WE PLEASE LOOK FOR HER!?

    Reshiram: Wow Swirly, you haven’t changed it bit. You need to lighten up.

    Skitty: Oh please, telling Swirly to lighten up is like telling a rapper to rap about flowers and coffee.

    Just as Swirly began to go search for his loved one, he and the rest of the gang heard what seems to be, two girls screaming and fighting. Swirly knew that it wasn’t Amy. One voice sounded too high pitched to be her and the other sounded way too low to be her as well.

    ??? : Reshiram! Watch out!

    Reshiram turned to his right to see Koyubi and Gothiruselle flying smack dab into him. As soon as he saw them lying on the floor, he rolled his eyes and laughed.

    Reshiram: (laughs) Hah! Don’t be telling me to watch out. I’m 10 feet tall. I can handle anything!

    Emolga: Well, Mr. Reshiram, you are a dragon.

    Jellicent: Oh yeah? He may be a dragon but he’s still fire. Can he handle this?

    Koyubi summons a hug water ball and targets Reshiram. He, on the other hand flinches.

    Reshiram: (shaking) Okay, Kai.. I see your point.

    Chandelure: (laughs) Nice one sweetheart!

    Jellicent: (blushes) Kendell~

    Reshiram: So what brings you guys here to this lovely castle?

    Emolga: Well it started when Miss Koyubi wanted to follow Mr. Kendell…

    Jellicent: … and then SOMEONE decided to take a wrong turn and have us running from a bunch of angry Combees.

    Reshiram: (laughs) Well, I’m glad to see that you two have made a bee-line to this castle.

    While the conversation continues, Swirly gets angrier and angrier by the second. He can unleash a snowstorm; however he knows that Amy is locked in this castle. So for her safety, he contained his desire to do so. But, he still wanted to yell at the others for holding him up.

    Vanilluxe: (angry) OH MY GOD CAN WE PLEASE FIND MY GOSH DARN GIRLFRIEND?!

    Everyone turned around to see Swirly literally seething. This in particular, scared Reshiram as he backed up into a corner.

    Emolga: (sympathetic) I’m sorry Mr. Swirly. What happened to her?

    Vanilluxe: She got kidnapped and brought to this castle. I’m on a mission to rescue her. Not only that, but teach the person who took her from me a lesson.

    Chandelure: Did you pick up anything? Sorry for holding you up, S-Man.

    Vanilluxe: Please don’t call me that. Anyway, I heard her voice just as Reshiram showed up. (to Reshiram) Do you know where she might be?

    Reshiram: Well Swirly, I have no idea. I was resting the whole time.

    Vanilluxe: To think of it… I believe I heard her voice coming from the other side of the castle.
    岩根雅明=♡

  5. #5
    Join Date
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    Okay, you asked me to review your story, and so here I am.

    Well... for starters, the format of the story. Script Fics are rarely allowed because it's a target of laziness. However, I looked at the rules for Shipping Fics, and there's no rule that says Script Fics aren't allowed. So you're off the hook.

    I have a good idea how scripts should look like, and you probably do as well if you've written play writes before, as there are classes that deal with proper script-writing (yes, there is a proper way to write scripts). This script here is rather standard, nothing fancy about it. However, it's not my place to decide how it looks, as I'm not a certified script-writer. So I'll let it slide and have someone else familiar in that field take over.

    Now the characters.

    Even in scripts, there is a slight description of what the character wears, has his/her hair, and expressions in each scene, even the tone of voice. I am one of those people who have no idea about the land of Unova, and thus only know of a few Pokémon from the region by name. You thankfully have visuals in your sig, and they have their species written out (the first time or so around) so we can look them up. Same with the humans, but again, I'm unfamiliar with them. And since I don't know their personalities, I trust you do.

    Your pairing, I'm gathering is a Vanilluxe and that... moth whatever it is. But again, what do I know? You listed the pairing, but it's unfortunately the Japanese names, which makes it more confusing.

    Now the story-line.

    I'm sure you'll reveal why it is Amy was kidnapped, since there don't seem to be many clues as to why it is she's suddenly missing. The searching seemed to have taken less time than it normally would, and it almost seems unlikely they'd stumble upon a castle run by Reshiram so quickly. Because I'm sure in the beginning they were in a small town. And now I imagine them to have reached a castle that's dark, gritty, surrounding by a dark mist with lightning worthy of that of Bowser's hide-out. Can you explain how they got there, since all I saw was dialogue and no time-slots that show they were traveling the whole time.

    And another thing: how can the humans understand what the Pokémon are saying? Unless they naturally speak the language, I doubt they can know the exact words they're saying, even with visuals. And also, why aren't they accompanying their Pokémon searching for Amy? I know this should only focus on the Pokémon, but this isn't a Mystery Dungeon story, as you have humans slightly involved.

    Overall, the idea isn't bad, and you do know what you are doing, but unfortunately the audience is lost because of lack of time periods, explanations, and just how fast-paced everything is. Even an episode would have shown a montage of their travels (which is what I'm getting from here, that you are trying to imitate an episode or two), and I do not see anything that shows they traveled a long span of time searching for a teammate who is Vanilluxe's girlfriend.

    It doesn't hurt to go back and add/remove/fix things in previous posts when you see it fit. It'll be noticeable, but it'll help you.

    I'm half and half on what I think about this story, but I do know you are enjoying it, and you have the idea planned out. Because pulling things out of thin air only hurts you further.

    5/10
    Winner of Best Pokémon/Pokémon Fic of 2013 in the Shipping Oscars
    Current Chapter: Chapter Ten - 3/17/14 / Current: Requiem I - 11/17/14 - Chapter 21 progress: 66%
    I survived Pupa.

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