((Note: This piece of fiction is only intended as humor. I actually love Ash Ketchum. It was just about time I wrote this))
Ash Ketchum is the Man
(Alternatively titled: Confessions of an Immortal)
Pfft. Let’s just face it. I’m awesome. At the age of ten I took on eight gyms, the Pokemon League, and defeated my rival, who was a total dick. What did you do when you were ten? Stopped wetting the bed? Learned what puberty was? HA! I’m never getting any older so I won’t go through either of those things. Seriously, I’ve been the same age for last ten years. I’m immortal. I will never grow up. So while you’re sitting there writing your crappy fanfic, I’m sitting on my laurels. I told you I was awesome. I’ve gone from wanting to be the best trainer in the world to thinking that I am the best trainer in the world.
Yeah, I’ve got it made. I released all of my most powerful Pokemon, or ditched them in some old guy’s laboratory. He’s probably using them for lab testing. Though he is old and senile, I bet he still knows how to dissect stuff. But who cares? I’m always going to have this stupid yellow rat with me. It’s been with me since the first day of my journey and even though it should be freakin’ powerful by now it still knows how to lose. Well, at least somebody is getting the point. I’m always trailed by three idiots who don’t know how to quit. The first one, the diva, how does she even get her hair to stay like that? The second one, I’m pretty sure he’s gay. I mean he’s got that sissy rose all the time. And the last one talks. That may not sound strange, but what if I told he’s a cat? YEAH. He’s a freakin’ cat.
What was my original goal again? I was supposed to catch them all or something like that. Tch. Like I’m ever going to do that. Collect information for some stupid little device that makes fun of me? There’s over five hundred of those stupid creatures now. I used to talk about catching every Pokemon I saw, but now I don’t really care. I want everything to be free. Thanks but no thanks. I’ve got some butts to kick… or not kick. My rival thinks he’s all cool now. Seriously, where did all of his cheerleaders go and why aren’t they following me now? I think I deserve my own cheering squad for all the crap I’ve been through. And what did he do? Gave up on becoming a master so he could “research” Pokemon? What is there to research? The person writing this fan fiction already knows more than he does.
Welcome to the wonderful world of Pokemon. My name is Ash Ketchum and I am the best trainer that ever lived. I will never die nor will I ever accomplish anything. My mom doesn’t care that I’m too young to be out in the world because she has a Mr. Mime for a husband. I don’t even want to know what they do when I’m not home. Does anyone know what happened to my dad? I think I was born of Immaculate Conception.
I talk to strangers on a daily basis. I tend to make friends with people wherever I go, but I don’t really give a crap about them because I only see them once. Seriously, ninety percent of my life is filler episodes. Realistically, there’s probably a ton of pedophiles out there just waiting to kidnap me. I’m cute, right? If you’ve ever listened to Demetri Martin, then you’ll know that vests protect you from pretty girls. Yeah, I had Misty and May, and I guess that ugly chick, Dawn, but I’m ignorant. Who thinks about dating when they’re ten? My vest is probably the source of my immortality. It will forever protect me from growing up. I won’t ever know romance.
“Squinty eyes,” on the other hand, has a false perception of reality. Swooning over every girl he meets? Sooner or later that’s not going to be funny anymore. Oh wait, it was never funny. I think I only liked the part where his ears were in pain. I don’t understand why he doesn’t look like Buddha by now. His ear lobes must be as long as the Eiffel Tower. And don’t get me started on his goal in life. A Pokemon Breeder? I don’t even want to go there. Skitty on Wailord anyone? Yeahhh.
I’ve seen a lot of things in my time. I’ve met almost every single legendary Pokemon but I never seem to remember the events later. I’m not affected psychologically or anything. You’d think being kidnapped by my enemies, almost dying a few times (though I am immortal, let’s not forget), and having to save the world a few times would have some kind of effect on me. By all accounts I should be a hardened soul or a seasoned warrior. But no, I’m still a stupid ten year old.
So there you have it. That’s my outline for all the reasons I’m awesome, and how you will never be me. My life is impossible and unattainable, yet I have achieved it. Can you? I don’t think so.