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Thread: The Clues of the Band

  1. #1
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    Post The Clues of the Band

    Welcome to my fanfic!
    Here you can see the story unfold. Feel free to comment!
    First I will show you a list of the characters.

    Characters:

    Alex (Guardian of Unova)
    Pokemon: Darumaka, Timburr and Blitzle.

    Lola (Guardian of Hoenn)
    Pokemon: Lotad, Zigzagoon and Ralts.

    Bruno (Guardian of of Johto)
    Pokemon: Misdreavus, Murkrow and Sneasel.

    Chuck (Guardian of Sinnoh)
    Pokemon: Buizel, Riolu and Chatot.

    Kate (Guardian of Kanto)
    Pokemon: Vulpix, Sandshrew and Nidoran F.

    Sylon (Creator of "The Recipe")
    Pokemon: Luxio and Nidorino.

    Ok sit back and read on!

    Prologue

    1611-Finally, the day had come, he had found the ingredients so powerful, that even his family couldn't know. He had created a serum that would change humanity forever. He had made a bracelet that would allow a human to take 1 Pokemon's form! Sylon had hidden clues around the globe showing the recipe and a piece of the bracelet just in case something happened to him. He tried on the bracelet, suddenly his eyes changed color to purple and his hair went blond. Alakazam's DNA was now flowing through his veins. He felt so much smarter and powerful. He shone with a bright blue light and shifted forms. He was now Alakazam! He decided to make smaller bracelets with smaller doses in them and put them in a time capsule. He knew when the time was right, his future generation will open it. Inside was the first clue and the 4 bracelets. He hoped they fell in good hands or else...
    __________________________________________________ _______________________

    Look out for the next chapter!
    Last edited by AceTrainerAlex; 19th April 2011 at 11:06 PM. Reason: spelling
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  2. #2
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    Chapter 1

    2008-Finally, it was time. Me and my friends were going to graduate from the Unova College of Pokemon! Wait, I'll back up a bit and introduce you to my friends. First there's Bruno. He always dresses in dark clothing and is pretty silent most of the time. We share the dorm and he decorates his side with his favorite pokemon: Darkrai posters. Chuck is better friends with Bruno than I am, but not nearly as silent as him. He's loud and boisterous and he's always making smart remarks in class. He's usually pretty scruffily dressed but when he wants can be pretty formal. He's the brother of Lola. Lola is always happy and can make anyone smile. People think of her as popular and she is very attentive in class. Lastly there is Kate. She is shy but very curious. She's very good friends with Lola but she mostly keeps to herself.
    Well, now that I've introduced you to my friends, let's get on with the story. We were going to graduate today. All of us were excited, even Bruno smiled. We all had our partners with us: I had my Darumaka, Lola had her Lotad, Bruno had his Murkrow, Chuck had his Riolu and Kate her Vulpix. All of them seemed equally excited, as they deserved the pride as well as we all went through school together. The ceremony went well; the Headmaster talked for what seemed hours, we were given our diplomas and our Graduation Pokemon. After the ceremony, we all went to the field to check out our new pokemon. I got Timburr and Blitzle; Lola got Zigzagoon and Ralts; Bruno got Sneasel and Misdreavus; Chuck got Buizel and Chatot; and finally Kate got Sandshrew and Nidoran F. Chuck was so happy he challenged me to a battle. I quickly accepted because I wanted to try out my new pokemon!
    So we began our 2on2 battle. I chose Timburr first at random. Chuck chose his Buizel.
    "Now let's see what pokemon is really about!" he shouted.
    "For you it's gonna be losing!" I called back.
    Suddenly, I realized that I didn't know what moves it knew! Luckily I had my Pokedex handy, I pulled it out at the same time Chuck did. "Timburr, the Muscular Pokemon. It is fighting type and they love to carry logs to make themselves stronger. This Timburr knows: Pound, Low Kick and Rock Throw."said the 'Dex in a robotic voice.
    "Ok, Timburr! Use Rock Throw followed by Low Kick!" I shouted.
    Timburr threw a large stone that Buizel easily dodged but Timburr was at Buizel before it could think with a Low Kick attack. Buizel fell face first into the dirt. Quickly recovering, Buizel blasted a complacent Timburr with a water gun 10 meters away. Such a close range attack damaged Timburr a lot. He got up and used Rock Throw to make Buizel dodge into his Pound attack. Timburr hit it square in the head and Buizel was knoked out.
    I returned my now tired Timburr and sent out my Blitzle, who I now realized would've been good against the Buizel. Chuck sent out his last new pokemon: his Chatot. Luckily, Blitzle was also good against the flying type Chatot. I consulted my 'Dex again. The moves were: Quick Attack, Shock Wave and Flame Charge. I started out using Flame Charge as it raised my speed, I needed it as Chatot was a fast dodger. The attack barely grazed it! But it still hit so I got that boost of speed. It was necessary to half-dodge Chatot's peck. Blitzle stumbled then attacked with Shock Wave which cannot be evaded. It hit Chatot with full force. It was already on low health! That shows you that type match-ups mean everything if you want to win. Blitzle finished off Chatot with Quick Attack. The battle was over.
    "YES! I win!" I exclaimed.
    "Well, when I get to know my pokemon better, I'll beat you!" he replied.
    Then, the secretary came and said, "someone has come to see you, Alex."
    But I didn't remember anyone telling me they were coming to see me. Then who could it be?
    __________________________________________________ _____________________

    Look out for the next chapter!
    Last edited by AceTrainerAlex; 21st April 2011 at 1:16 AM.
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  3. #3
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    Okay, I don't know if you're looking for critique on this piece but I have a couple of thoughts i'd like to share on the story so far. Firstly, presentation;

    The whole thing is a bit difficult on the eyes when reading. It's too much of a solid block of text, so it might be easier if in future you made more spaces between dialogue. Italisicing dialogue might also help.

    Furthermore;

    Quote Originally Posted by AceTrainerAlex View Post
    Finally, it was time. Me and my friends were going to graduate from the Unova College of Pokemon!
    Correct usage is "My friends and I".

    Quote Originally Posted by AceTrainerAlex View Post
    I started out using Flame Charge as it raised my speed, I needed it as Chatot was a fast dodger. The attack barely grazed it! But it still hit so I got that boost of speed. It was necessary to half-dodge Chatot's peck. Blitzle stumbled then attacked with Shock Wave which cannot be evaded.
    This paragraph in general, but this does go for most the rest of the Chapter; It does sound like you're simply reading stuff from Bulbapedia or Serebii's website and telling the reader the effect, rather than using imagination as to describe the attack's effect. So rather than that, you could go for;

    Quote Originally Posted by JohnGazMon
    I ordered Timburr to use Flame Charge. With a bellowing cry, Timburr engulfed itself in searing flames and charged at Chuck's Chatot. It was too slow though, and the bird Pokemon easily avoided the attack. It dived onto Timburr, pecking it violently before flying away. Timburr was pumped up by the Flame Charge now, and I ordered it to use Shock Wave. A blast of unavoidable electricity struck the Chatot, and it fell from the sky to the floor, defeated.
    Etc.

    Other than that, it shows some potential, although I think you may need to expand upon the characters through interaction, rather than just telling us what they're like.

    Feel free to shoot me a PM if needs be.

    -Note: Feel free to ask a mod to remove this if you're not looking for critique yet, or at all.
    Last edited by JohnGazmon; 21st April 2011 at 2:04 AM.
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  4. #4
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    Thanks 4 the tips.
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  5. #5
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    Can I have this closed? I don't want to continue.
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