It was a clear night over England. Nothing was moving except for the wind. The light of the Moon was shining on the peaceful landscape of trees and houses below, creating an atmosphere that one can only dream of.
Except that I wouldn't have known, because the Moon just had to be the first place the Pokémon Universe IX people sent me. This is what I had to go through instead...
It was a clear night over the Sea of Tranquility. Nothing was moving except for... well, me. The light of the Earth was shining on the boring landscape of dust and rocks below, creating an atmosphere that one can only roll one's eyes at. Just my luck that I got stuck up on this boulder while Ryu the Primeape, my lifelong rival, was going on a luxury trip to England with my owner!
As I trudged over the bleak dust-covered hills of the Moon, I bitterly reflected on the "contest" that had caused this to happen. Pokémon Universe... I had only gotten into it for the money. I would have much preferred to hang out in London or something. The problem is, Ryu wanted to, too. So my owner made us a deal: he said he would put two big blocks in his apartment, and whoever destroyed their block first would get to go on the trip.
And wouldn't you know it? The blocks were rock. So Ryu's Cross Chop was great, and my Lava Plume failed miserably. There was no justice. A wave of frustration swept over me as I looked at the rocks surrounding me on every side. I aimed another Plume at a rock in front of me, crumbling it and leaving a dark trail for miles ahead.
Aha. Now, I thought, I get my revenge.
After glancing up at the Earth, I charged forward in a slow curve, launching Lava Plumes, burning the ground with thick black ash, avenging my defeat, making my mark. I traced out a huge circle... then another... then a line... It was slow work, but very rewarding. Suddenly, I really liked Pokémon Universe.
Finally, shortly after I was satisfied with the patterns, I saw the white Teleportation beam shining in the distance. I ran into it. After that, I must have fallen asleep...
2. Red Sea
There were a lot of things I didn't know about my challenge. I didn't know who had beamed me down. I didn't know how anyone actually got the beam up there. I didn't know whether my plan for revenge had worked, because the moon was gone and the sun was blazing down on me when I woke up. I didn't know how Mohawk Man, my so-called "partner," was doing. All I knew was that I wasn't in England, because uneducated as I might have been, I knew that England contained land. And there was no land anywhere around me.
I panicked as I realized that I was paddling on the surface of an ocean, not very cold but still, of course, super-effective. I thought quickly and cast a Sunny Day to weaken the strength of my type's age-old enemy, Water. But about five seconds later, it started to rain. Either I was really terrible, or someone was trying to defeat me yet again. The voice of a Basculin reached me through the waves.
RAIN DAAAAANCE! Team Aqua shall LIVE ON!
I figured out this was the Red Sea because Basculin, an ultimate Ugly Fish Dude, had a red stripe around his head. But there was no time to consider my location, as he was charging up for a strong attack. I doubted this Ugly Fish Dude was really from Team Aqua, but I wasn't particularly inclined to find out.
I know what you're thinking. "Oh, you can talk?" Yeah I can, because... uh... um... Archie taught me how. The Team Aqua guy.
The Ugly Fish Dude and I performed Sunny Day and Rain Dance in what would have been a perfect harmony had we not been trying to destroy each other. It was the Magma vs. Aqua crisis all over again. In fact, I think this time I actually succeeded in warping the balance of nature, because just as the U.F.D. was gearing up for a Hydro Pump, that teleport beam shone down on me out of nowhere...
3. Beach in China -> Great Wall
I actually stayed awake this time, but the teleport was kind of boring, to be honest. It was starting to get dark. And when I landed in water again, I was just about ready to cry. Luckily, this time I was within sight of a chow mein place...
Without encountering any wild Pokémon, I swam to the shore and stepped into the small restaurant. Most of the customers in there were of the humanoid persuasion, but there was also a Dragonair, probably for decoration, whom I challenged to a battle.
Well, I didn't have any time to contemplate the food, because the Dragonair was already charging directly at me. With his ferocious Dragon Rush, he chased me right out of the restaurant. And I hadn't gotten to eat one grain of rice.
If any Rei is dangerous, it's a hungry Rei. I was huffing and puffing as I ran, pelting Fire Blasts and trying to hit the elusive Dragonair. Finally, I got him... and he tried to run away from me.
Sigh... You're right. I am a chicken.
Great. Now I'm even hungrier.
I agreed to let him go if he would bring me to the coolest place in the country (preferably somewhere with food). Luckily, that wasn't too far away. Pretty soon, I saw a rock wall, and I knew where we were headed. He put me down on the only man-made structure that might be seen from space.
I looked up at the moon... and I saw what I was looking for. My plan had worked. I smiled evilly. Suddenly, the Great Wall of China really did seem to be a Great Wall.
4. Battle with 3 Nidoran
A breeze was blowing softly as I began my hike along the Great Wall. By now, I was pretty tired, and I only intended to be a tourist. I calmly took note of the scenery that lay on the wall ahead. Let's see... There's windows, doors, turrets, arched roofs, straight roofs, steps, huge puddles of deadly poison, battlements, towers...
I paused. Was something not right here?
As if to answer my question, three Nidoran (not sure of their gender) crawled out of small spaces in the walls, blocking the path ahead. I thought of an excuse, but they wouldn't buy it.
I'm a tourist! ... A tourist who collects cannons.
Wearily, I got my cannon ready again while they swarmed around me and jabbed me with multiple Poison Stings. Trying to stop them, I threw out a Lava Plume to distract them.
I would never know if I beat them or not. I got more and more tired the farther along I went. Maybe the effects of their poison were getting to me. A familiar white beam appeared in the air ahead. No... Not the teleporting beam... I had a suspicion that the next place I was being beamed wasn't gonna be good...
I walked into the teleport beam and was lifted off a wall. I might have been dreaming, but I thought I heard Ryu's mocking voice. And I was still hungry, remember?
5. Dragonite at Buckingham Palace
I opened my eyes and found I had landed on a busy street in a city. Wherever I was, it didn't seem to be as bad as I had expected. There were luxury hotels all over the place, and I could hear some kind of huge clock tower in the distance. In front of me, a huge, fancy building dominated the scene. But before I could even get a good look at it...
Check it out, Rei, old buddy! I'm living like a king here.
Ha ha! Notice anything different about me?
I was not amused.
Ryu had just appeared in front of me, with my owner, wearing a fake crown, walking along the street beside him. And the Dragonair I fought in China was now fully evolved and bearing fiercely down on me. Oh great. Another one of these days.
The Dragonite launched an Outrage on the spot and I was slammed heavily into the stone ground. I managed to strike back using a well-aimed Thunderpunch, but its power was overwhelming. I lay on the ground, almost ready to give up and very dizzy and confused.
However, Dragonite seemed to be confused, too... Due to fatigue from its Outrage, it was now hitting itself in the face. Anyone watching would have been amazed, but there happened to be a royal parade going on across the street and no one noticed the fairly major Pokémon battle that was occurring in front of the Palace.
I seized the opportunity to strike back, hitting Dragonite with a few Thunderpunches and my world-famous (and possibly moon-famous, as well) Lava Plumes. It landed a Dragon Rage on me. My HP was getting low.
What's the matter, pink dude? Too strong for you?
But I charged magma energy as hard as I could. Soon, Dragonite was standing face to face with a cannon, looking down a barrel filled with fire. With one last effort, he launched a Hurricane straight across the palace grounds. I polished off Dragonite with a Fire Blast, while Ryu, weak to Flying, was thrown backwards, landing directly in a trash can. Even my owner started laughing.
I asked him for money and he gave me some. I walked past the palace to a fancy hotel, where I got to eat in style with a bunch of tourists who looked vaguely like Rapidash while Ryu dug himself out of the trash can. It seemed like everything was back to normal.
However, as I later discovered, confused news reports had been circulating all over the United Kingdom during the weeks following the event. It seemed that citizens across the country had noticed the presence of a "big face with its tongue sticking out" sketched on the Moon's surface. One astronomer had reportedly found a collection of black marks that, when viewed with a powerful telescope, appeared to spell "TAKE THAT, RYU, YOU FUZZ FACE!".
In case you were wondering, mine took about six hours. You can "tl;dr" if you want.