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Thread: Fanfic Challenge #1 (Age 15 plus recomended)

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Jul 2011


    Ok so I've been working on a project lately, it's basically a giant fanfic story. I'm glad to say it's going very well. I also have been getting into this thing on the internet called Creepypasta (basically, it's a short story that is posted on the internet that is designed to unnerve and shock the reader) and sure enough you can find any theme to match it. Including pokemon. Now I wasn't expecting much, I mean, how creepy could it be?

    I was suprised to read some and have trouble sleeping that night. JEEZ some were actually pretty creepy! Some were'nt exactly creepy but were both good and unnerving.

    So I figured I'd make a contest. This challenge is sort of one of creative writing.

    So, I plan on doing more of these in the future and I also plan on having different themes attatched to each one. This one happens to be horror.

    As I said, it's fanfic, however I would prefer for each story to be as unique as possible. They can range from short stories to epics.

    Now as I said, try to make it unique, have fun with it. But one thing... Use a spoiler warning if you can and also "rate" your own story. basically just give in an ESRBish warning. I don't really want any little childeren picking up something and trying to get me banned.

    Now like I said, be creative, have fun, try to make your stories immersive, and have fun.

    If you already have a story feel free to post away. There will likely be some critique so if you're easilly offended you may not want to post.

    If not think about making one. I will be personally posting the one I'm working on as soon as I have part 1 done.

    Have fun~ And make sure to watch out for that white hand on your shoulder

        Spoiler:- Spoiler:

    Warning: Some swearing

    This is actually part 1 of my story. Part one is'nt exactly scary but it's meant to set up the story. Please feel free to comment, critique, and post our own stories.

    Edit: Since there have been no other posters. I feel I should also explain something about the story and my writing style

    I like to mention things that exist IRL such as video games and Ipods. I also enjoy using shifting viewpoints. In this one I used the view points of

    Toby: The son and older brother
    Grace: The daughter and younger sister
    Espeon: One of Toby's Pokemon
    Marie: The mother
    Last edited by bobandbill; 8th July 2011 at 4:58 AM. Reason: first post requires a chapter/prologue

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Jul 2011


    For anyone who enjoyed part one of my little story. I'll be starting on part 2 tomorrow. It should be up within the nect 3-4 days

    Critique and other entrees (For lack of a better word) are still welcome of course

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Sep 2004
    Journeying through Orre


    Each person posts their own fics in their own threads, with the first post containing some chapter or part of the story. Unless it's some kind of collaboration or group project, every writer gets their own thread for comments and criticism. If you want to hold a contest, it needs to be approved by the moderators first and they are usually run by experienced members who know the forum well, and won't take place while another is happening (as one is now). Also, please avoid double-posting.

    Please be sure to read the Fan Fiction Rules and take the time to look around this section to see what's already been done and how things work here. This is generally a good step to take when posting on a new forum or in a sub-forum.


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  4. #4
    Join Date
    Nov 2006
    From the land down under...


    Psychic has already ninja'd me while I wrote the following so that means I have less to say. =p But yeah, the contest stuff needs mod approval and all as she said.

    Anyways, I merged your first two posts because the FanFic rules here state the first post require a prologue or chapter in it. I'll also note that you're not allowed to double post (post twice in a row) on the forums, unless in this section in the case when you're posting a new chapter, so just keep that in mind and check out the other rules we have here as said (both the forum-wide rules and the Fan Fiction rules, which can be found at the top of the section in a sticky thread). Also note that people are meant to post their own stories in their own threads in general (an exception may be say for the Pokedex One-shots thread though)...

    On the fic itself... this is actually pretty interesting, I have to say! I like the idea of using the Pokerus virus being mutated into something that's actually quite dangerous - I wonder why it only affects water types so I am interested to see if you'll cover that later on (and if it spreads to other types too). So far the plot is pretty interesting, and I like the characters as well - you have a neat premise with giving multiple viewpoints from the characters within the chapter. I quite liked Espeon's view on people being adorable and Toby/Grace's 'relationship' there as siblings. XD Overall it's a neat beginning - characters are different in personality and intriguing and the plot is good too thus far.

    I do wonder though how Hoenn people managed to keep out the Wingull line from escaping the region with a mere fence, given they are water types and one of the most common ones in Hoenn too - maybe a bit more on that aspect could be thought upon as that doesn't really make sense to me.

    The main thing to watch out with your fic is a number of various grammatical/spelling mistakes though - I'd suggest running the story though a spelling and grammar check before posting and also proofreading beforehand as well (as a number of the errors would have been picked up by the sort. If you don't have access to Microsoft Word's Spell/Grammar checker (or well, the program itself), you can use OpenOffice's (free to download) or an online checker as well, of which there are a few. It tends to distract from the story itself and after all it's better to have a story with less mistakes in it if it can be avoided. I haven't quoted every single one as they're mostly repeated mind, but here's some of those.
    "Toby Come on hurry up!"
    I think an exclamation mark is needed after Toby there, given Come was capitalised there.
    Like normal, my sister somehow got out faster than me and she was already a block ahead of my parents and me (Yes me is correct in that sentance).
    There's no need to say that within the story, given it distracts from the story and so to speak breaks the fourth wall - reminds the reader that it's a story that they are reading and can bring them out from the tale. Doing so is only usually good in some instances (say comedy) and here isn't necessary at all. (That and sentence is typo'd three).
    You see... About 2 months ago reports from Hoenn indicated a mutated form of the fairly harmless Pokerus virus had recently developed.
    Usually numbers less than 100 should be written out in words, so say two there than 2.
    Now, this worked for awile.
    a while.
    "Having trouble Grace? You should be more careful"
    At times you forget to have a punctuation mark before the ending quotation mark in dialogue, so remember to add that in. In this case as nothing follows it's the end of the sentence and hence a full stop would do. Also, if someone is addressed by name/nickname/etc, then a comma should go before or after the name - so here for instance 'Having trouble, Grace?' would be what you want there.
    Every year it's always a new flu or some freaky disease that makes your eyes bleed or something dumb that never actually developes like that".
    develops. I did quite like this sentence though. XD
    They all continued shouting at eachother until they found some sort of game controller.
    At times you merge words together as well (something a spell checker would catch), such as here with 'each other'.
    My daughter was quick to speak up "AAAAAUUUUGH! Another train? C'mon mom we've been at this for 2 days? How much longer until we get to Nimbasa city anyways?"
    A full stop should be before the dialogue/after 'speak up' (' speak up. "AAAAAUUUUGH!...'). Also the number thing as mentioned above (there are other instances of numbers used which ought to be written out as a note... I'll also mention here that when you mentioned how long the gate had been out of order down to seconds, it seemed to be a somewhat unnecessary fact to put in - saying 'a few minutes' instead would have been fine as we didn't need to know exactly how long it was out of order for.
    "Oh Senior," I said, adressing my huspand, "Keep an eye on the kids kay? I'm gonna go see if I can find some news."

    He nodded at me but I didn't know if he actually was paying attention. He was too busy gawking at the huge locomotive sitting idly in front of him. I also saw Toby run over to
    Simon and Andy and say goodbye to them. After all they apparently were heading to Castelia. They had family there and needed to get on a sepperate train.
    At times the errors were rather distracting, such as here. Firstly you'd want to add int he bolded commas and full stop (first is punctuation int he dialogue/comma after the name, second is pause in narration, third is again punctuation before the last quotation mark/full stop to end that sentence). Furthermore, husband was consistently misspelled, and 'Keep' shouldn't be capitalised as it's all one sentence there. And separate and addressing is also incorrectly spelt there. (I'm also tempted to add in another comma before 'kay' as it sounds natural to have a pause in dialogue there too).
    2 hours later
    I'd advise against doing timeskips like this - instead have it as part of the story or in narration (e.g. 'Around two hours later, we....'). Otherwise is sort of breaks the pace of the story for instance.

    "Hey! Is that Toby's voice?" Shouted Scott.
    'shouted' rather than Shouted in these two sentences (as you're not starting a sentence there because it's telling us who said what and how - plus 'Shouted Toby' is not a sentence that'd work by itself like that. Also you'd need to add in a full stop after Toby.
    "Oh... Well let's get settled" Suggested my huspand
    And here, comma after settled, suggested rather than Suggested, and again husband instead of huspand.

    Overall it is a decent beginning though - just watch out for all those errors as it brings it down a fair bit. Good luck with the rest of your story!

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