Results 1 to 14 of 14

Thread: A Hope... Unanswered?

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Apr 2011
    Location
    it is a mystery
    Posts
    69

    Default A Hope... Unanswered? (PG)

    Chapter 1
    Alone

    I was in complete desperation. I had lost all I had, and my hope was... that I could find a friend. A home. A proper life.

    My mother, who was a Shaymin, was out with me on the day it happened. You may think this strange, as I am also a Shaymin, a legendary, who is supposedly unbreedable, but these humans knew nothing. They just stick two Pokémon in what they call a 'day-care' and find eggs there in a few days time if the two Pokémon are compatible. These eggs are not made by us. Nobody, not even us, knows how the eggs get there, but we do not make them. In the wild, what we call the 'egg giver' is more lenient. We can breed with any Pokémon, hence my father is a Dialga. I have no siblings, and thought myself lucky. I look back now on when I said that to myself, and I think to myself how utterly wrong I was.

    We were out together, my mother and I. Just going for a little walk in the flowers, pick some for the table maybe. We looked around, and my mother said to me, "It's a beautiful world, dear. When the time is right, you must explore. But before that, you must stay with me and Daddy. The world is too dangerous. Stay safe.” Suddenly, we heard a yell and a human was running up to us. “Run! Quick! Get away! Humans are dangerous!” yelled my mother, running for her life. I dived under a bush and then became literally invisible as my fur camouflaged me. Mother was not so lucky. The human caught up with her and released a Pokémon out of a Pokéball, it happened to be a Slugma. The Slugma threw lots of fire at my mum (I think it was a move called Flamethrower) and she fainted. I watched in despair as the human threw a red and white ball at her, and Mother was engulfed in a red light, then she was dragged into the ball. It rocked once, twice, three times… and clicked. The human proudly picked up the ball and gave a yell of triumph. She was taken away from me. I returned home to find my father gone. I looked everywhere but he wasn’t there. There weren’t the usual bolts of lightning in the sky when he fought with Uncle Palkia. He had ran away. I was only level 5 and I was alone.

    I packed anything of any worth into my small bag made of leaves, and left the house. I was embarking on my own journey and I was doing it without any guidance of any kind. I was so vulnerable, and utterly desperate to find a friend. Or find anyone. I had left the lush fields of flowers, and the barren lands around me that I had arrived in were completely empty. To put it simply, I was terrified.

    I walked carefully over the parched, rocky plains and cried for my mother, but she didn’t hear me. She couldn’t. For all I knew, she was still in that ball with the human. I didn’t know what I was doing or what I needed to do, except that I needed a friend, or a companion, or anyone that could protect me on these open plains. And I needed one fast.

    A Fearow circled overhead, cawing loudly, and then a group of Swellow flew across the sky. I kept the setting sun on my right so that I could stay going in one direction. Not looking where I was going, I tripped over a stone and from then on kept a careful eye on the ground so that it didn’t happen again. Slowly and timidly, I wandered to a small burrow and curled myself in a small ball, and slept. I had never slept so well before.

    Meanwhile, though I didn’t know this, my mother was having a horrible time. She hadn’t been let out of her ball since she was caught and it was hot and stuffy in there. The trainer was in a city with lots of rocks and had just put her in a building with a nurse. She felt better after a bit, the nurse and her Chansey were nice, but afterwards she was put back in the ball. She knew that yelling would get her nowhere. She hated the trainer with a burning passion for capturing her and taking her away from her husband-and her daughter.

    I woke up the next morning to a rumbling sound. An Onix was gliding through the tunnels outside my temporary den.
    “Hello?” I shouted, but the Onix had already tunnelled away. I sighed and carried on wandering through the plains.

    Suddenly I saw a lush green forest in the distance! I ran towards it but it didn’t seem to get any closer… and then it disappeared altogether. It was a mirage. Disappointed, I kept travelling forwards. I was so thirsty. I needed a drink-and quickly!

    After a while I saw a pool of fresh, clean water and this wasn’t a mirage. I bent down and willingly lapped it up. Water had never tasted so delicious before. After a long drink, I rolled in the water as a game. It splashed everywhere, but it was cold in a nice way. Feeling quenched and refreshed, I wandered on.

    Suddenly, two shadows crossed the dusty ground. I looked up and saw a Latios and Latias! I shouldn’t have been frightened of them as they were legendries like me, but they were important and well known ones. I was only a Shaymin, often forgotten in the many legendries. My amazed stare soon became one of fear though, as the Latios stopped and looked down at me!

    It told the Latias something and then they both swooped down towards me. I cowered against a rock, terrified.
    “Don’t be afraid, little Shaymin,” said the Latias, gently. “We only want to ask you why you are here, and where you are going.”
    “I am here looking for a friend, my parents or a home. My father has disappeared and my mother was caught by a human. I don’t know where I am going.”
    “I see,” said the Latios. “Have you ever been to the Legendary Lake for a meeting before?”
    “Legendary lake?” I asked, puzzled.
    “All of us legendries and semi-legendries go there once a year for a meeting. What level are you?” inquired the Latios.
    “Only level 5. Is that small?” I said.
    The Latias laughed. “That explains why you haven’t heard of the Legendary Lake. I imagine you are no older than two years, and level 5 is the minimum level. Do you want to go? There will be two more Pokémon who are new to the meeting, Phione and Mew. You might make friends. Come on, let’s go!”
    “Go? What do you mean? How will I get there?” I asked.
    “You can ride on my back. Hop on, and hold in tight!” Latios told me. I did as he said and climbed on his back. Then we rose into the air.

    It was an amazing feeling, flying. We were swooping through the clouds at ease. I hung on tight like Latios asked.
    “Hey look, it’s Ho-oh!” Latias suddenly exclaimed. “Ho-oh, come and join us!”
    “Who is this little one?” Ho-oh flew over and asked Latias, referring to me.
    “It’s a Shaymin. Her first Legendary Lake meeting. Only level 5 she told us, and she was alone on Sandy Plains. She was right near the middle, miles away from anywhere safe.” She turned to me. “We’re about to land. Hold on tight!” We glided to the ground and landed safely by a lake surrounded by trees, with an astounding number of legendries milling around and chatting. I was going to enjoy this.


    Do you like it? Please post constructive criticism!


    CHAPTERS:
    1: Alone
    2: The Legendary Lake

    3: Friends
    4: Captured
    5: The Great Escape
    6: The Legendary Lake Again
    7: Mission
    8: Lost and Found
    9: New Friends
    10: Disaster
    11: Mission Completed
    12: Shaymin, 007
    13: PSSO Training
    14: Official Mission
    15: Starting Off
    16: Hidden Danger
    17: Working Together
    18: A Hint of Family
    19: Terrified
    20: Successful Mission
    21: Relaxation
    22: Another Mission
    23: A Good Beginning
    24: A Trail?
    25: Dead End
    26: Exploration and Clues
    27: Tracking Down
    28: Completed!
    29: Was That My Mother?
    30: Mission for Family
    31: The Trainer
    32: Mother!
    33: Decisions Have To Be Made
    34: Happiness


    A blue chapter is completed, a yellow chapter is in progress and a red chapter isn't started.
    Last edited by iloveinfernape; 18th May 2011 at 7:12 PM.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Dec 2010
    Location
    USA
    Posts
    105

    Default

    First of all, it's too short- the rules say that a chapter should be at least two pages. You could have put in more detail about what happened, and make the reader feel more for the Shaymin. As it is now, it's kind of bland; you're just telling us what happened with hardly any emotion in the words.

    For instance, instead of:

    Quote Originally Posted by iloveinfernape
    I hid, but my mother was caught by a Pokeball.
    maybe:

    I quickly dashed behind a bush, quivering in fear, my mother's warning from ages ago echoing in my ears: Humans are dangerous. Then, I realized that she wasn't with me like she had always been before. Worried, I peeked out from my hiding place.

    The human had my mother backed up against a rock. There was no way for her to flee, and she had curled up into a ball the way we Shaymin tend to do when frightened. The human pulled a strange sphere from something around his waist. Mother didn't notice this, as she was so afraid, but then the human threw it at her and it sucked her inside. I watched, petrified, as it shook back and forth... and made a clicking sound. The human grabbed it, and walked away.

    My mother had been captured.


    Doesn't that sound better? You can feel the emotion more, and all because of details.

    But I really like the concept, and I think this could be really good, with the details in there. Also, the way you described breeding (with wild Pokemon being compatible with any other Pokemon) sounds very interesting, and I personally would never have thought of that. I want to see where this goes!
    FC: 2165-5528-1057
        Spoiler:- Shinies:

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Apr 2011
    Location
    it is a mystery
    Posts
    69

    Default

    I have edited it now and it is 2 and 3/4 pages long. There is much more detail as well, the rest of the chapters will be like this. Do you like it?

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Dec 2010
    Location
    USA
    Posts
    105

    Default

    Oh, much better! The one thing I had a problem with is that the story described how Shaymin's mother felt. When you write in the first person point of view (when "I" is the narrator), you stay in that point of view- you can't write about something that the narrator doesn't know. Now, there can be a little jump (I think...) between two sections of the narrative where you tell about something that's not happening to the narrator, but you have to make that part separate from the regular narrative (I hope that made sense).

    But it's a HUGE improvement on the first version, I can tell you that!
    FC: 2165-5528-1057
        Spoiler:- Shinies:

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Apr 2011
    Location
    it is a mystery
    Posts
    69

    Default

    Thanks! I will start on Chapter 2 tomorrow.

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Mar 2011
    Location
    In a box
    Posts
    77

    Default

    Omg I love it! Can't wait for the next one!

    Bad news, I have too leve there's forms, like forever I'm so sad it's a long story hopefully some day I will see you again D': *hug*
    Big shout out to WindStorm: My best friend on here, and here's some pudding too remember me by




  7. #7
    Join Date
    Sep 2010
    Location
    Gensokyo
    Posts
    610

    Default

    Hi :3 I saw the banner in your signature and decided to take a look. I suggest you link the banner to this thread to make it easier to find. Ontopic:

    I really like this story so far, I only found a few minor things:
    I was only a Shaymin, often forgotten in the many legendries.
    “All of us legendries and semi-legendries go there once a year for a meeting. What level are you?” inquired the Latios.
    Typo: Legendaries.

    There will be two more Pokémon who are new to the meeting, Phione and Mew.
    Isn't Mew the 'mother of all Pokémon'? Or are there multiple Mew? Not really a big deal, but I'm just curious. :3

    That's pretty much all of it that I can find. I think you did a great job on this, especially compared to the first version. ;]



  8. #8
    Join Date
    Apr 2011
    Location
    it is a mystery
    Posts
    69

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by EzzPeon View Post
    Hi :3 I saw the banner in your signature and decided to take a look. I suggest you link the banner to this thread to make it easier to find. Ontopic:

    I really like this story so far, I only found a few minor things:


    Typo: Legendaries.


    Isn't Mew the 'mother of all Pokémon'? Or are there multiple Mew? Not really a big deal, but I'm just curious. :3

    That's pretty much all of it that I can find. I think you did a great job on this, especially compared to the first version. ;]
    Thanks for the advice! I am currently working on Chapter 2! Oh, and about the typo, curse you, Microsoft Auto-Spellcheck! It kept changing it! I will unset it in the next chapter, The Legendary Lake.
    And, this region is vaguely based on Sinnoh (city full of rocks=Veilstone City) but otherwise it is quite made up, and thus there are lots of Mews. There are young ones like the one and there are higher level ones, and they are the ones that are regarded as the 'mother of all pokemon'.
    P.S. Mew and Phione are introduced as characters in the next chapter; you will find that they have two completely different personalities!
        Spoiler:- Story mini-spoiler:

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Apr 2011
    Location
    it is a mystery
    Posts
    69

    Default

    Chapter 2
    The Legendary Lake


    “Wow!” I exclaimed, looking at the hundred-strong group of legendaries and the stunning lake. It was breathtaking. The lake was in a clearing surrounded by thick trees and bushes. The lake was shimmering in the light of the full moon. A large rock was in the middle of the clearing beside the lake, and a Giratina and Landorus were chatting beside it. A Cobalion was arguing with a Deoxys because it changed into it’s speed forme for a race. Celebi and Jirachi were flying up over the clearing. A hot mud pool was just along a short path into the forest; I could see a Heatran and a Groundon bathing in it, enjoying the warmth and stickiness of the mud. Chatter was surrounding us.

    A nervous-looking Phione and a Manaphy drew up out of the water behind me. I turned around and looked at the Phione. He looked back at me, before I plucked up the courage to say “Hi.”
    “Hi,” the Phione shyly replied.
    “Is this your first meeting?” I inquired. “It’s mine too.”
    “Yeah, it is,” said Phione. I could see his shyness slowly fading away. “Do you have a nickname?”
    “No,” I said. “I’m just Shaymin. And you?”
    “Nah, I’m just Phione. You know, I’m very lucky to be here. This is the first meeting they let in semi-legendries,” he said. I’m lucky to even be out of that desert, I thought to myself. I don’t think I’ll tell him about what happened to my parents yet.
    “Why are you so quiet? Skitty got your tongue?” Phione asked.
    “Oh, nothing. Just thinking,” I replied. A Mew then walked over to us.

    “Is it your first time here as well? It’s mine too. I was so excited. I really wanted to go last year, but I was too small a level. What level are you? I’m level six. My mum and dad are over there. Dad is one of the organisers, a Mewtwo. When will Arceus arrive? Dad told me all about him. I really want to meet him…” Mew trailed off as a Mewtwo came over. “Dad!” he said. I was just telling these two about how you were one of the organisers. They were really excited and listening-“
    “Please hold your tongue, son. You know that you are so chatty, but some others may want to say something. At the rate you were going, you could have been talking for half an hour and they still wouldn’t have been able to get a word in edgewise!”
    “Sorry, Dad,” said Mew. He turned to us. “Did you want to say something?”
    “Well, we were about to introduce ourselves to you. I’m Shaymin, and this is Phione,” I said.
    “Sorry about me talking for so long. I am such a chatty pokemon, I just can’t hold in my voice!” Mew apologised. I was about to reply but I was cut off by a shout from Jirachi.
    “Arceus is coming!”

    “Greetings, all,” said Arceus as he landed gracefully in his Flying-type forme. “I hope you are well this clear, lit night. I trust you are all here?” A ‘yes’ rippled through the watching Pokémon. No, I thought. My mum and dad aren’t here. I can’t see Uncle Palkia either. I wonder where he is.
    “Well then,” said Arceus, hopping up onto the stone, “let the meeting begin!”

    The legendary Pokémon gathered round the rock, all knowing where to sit, except me. Phione pulled me to the front.
    “We’re small, so we sit here,” he said. I nodded and turned to the rock. Five Pokémon, Mewtwo, Landorus, Regigigas, Deoxys and Giratina, sat around the base of the rock. We sat a little way back from them. Arceus, of course, was on the rock, addressing all of us.
    “This year has been quite quiet for us legendaries. We have a problem-to-be for next year though, as humans have been in greater numbers, but they have proved no threat, so far. We are worried that they are going to invade our forest. Stay alert for humans. Now, does anyone have anything to report?” Arceus said.
    “Yes,” said a Virizion, from the crowds. “In Pinwheel Forest, where I live, there were recently a lot of people. They had a ‘P’ on their shirts, and one of them was holding a skull. Does anyone know what is happening?”
    “Ah,” replied Arceus, thoughtfully. “I might know what is going on. The people with a ‘P’ on their shirts are probably from ‘Team Plasma’. If they held a skull, it might have been stolen from the Nacrene Museum, as Nacrene City is just by Pinwheel Forest. Did you see anyone chasing after them?”
    “Well, yes, actually. A Pokémon trainer. I think he got the skull back,” stated Virizion.
    “So that’s that matter cleared. Virizion, I don’t think Team Plasma will be coming back. Does anyone want to say anything else?” Arceus asked. Finally, I plucked up the courage to say,
    “I do.”

    “Yes?” Arceus asked me. “What do you want to say?” I nervously scuffed my paws on the ground and looked up at him.
    “We have lost a legendary. My mother has been captured by a human,” I said. A gasp came from the crowd. “My dad is missing, and so is my Uncle Palkia.”
    “That is really bad,” said Arceus. “Are you finding it hard fending for yourself?”
    “I’m fine, but worried about my family. I used to live in the flower meadows but I left in search of my parents. I hope they are safe,” I said, sadly.
    “We will try and sort that out. Is that okay?” Arceus asked. I nodded. “Right then, now for the writing of the scroll!”
    “What’s that?” I whispered to Mew.
    “It’s a roundup of all the legendaries that came to the meeting this year” he replied. “Let’s go and get our names down!” he said, excitedly. We walked over to where Arceus was using his Fire forme to scorch words on the scroll.
    “Ah, Mew, and Shaymin,” he said, marking our names on the scroll. “I have written you down now, why don’t you go and play?” We nodded and walked off. Phione joined us. We played tag in the clearing and had loads of fun. I was so glad that I had friends now, and I couldn’t have asked for better ones than these.

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Sep 2010
    Location
    Gensokyo
    Posts
    610

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by iloveinfernape View Post
    Thanks for the advice! I am currently working on Chapter 2! Oh, and about the typo, curse you, Microsoft Auto-Spellcheck! It kept changing it! I will unset it in the next chapter, The Legendary Lake.
    And, this region is vaguely based on Sinnoh (city full of rocks=Veilstone City) but otherwise it is quite made up, and thus there are lots of Mews. There are young ones like the one and there are higher level ones, and they are the ones that are regarded as the 'mother of all pokemon'.
    P.S. Mew and Phione are introduced as characters in the next chapter; you will find that they have two completely different personalities!
    D: Spellcheck-issues, they're familiar to me..
    Anyways, thanks for answering my question. (:
    As for the newest chapter, I really like it and I couldn't really find any flaws this time. Maybe the chapters could be a tad bit longer though.



  11. #11
    Join Date
    Mar 2011
    Location
    In a box
    Posts
    77

    Default

    now i must wait for the 3ed one...

    Bad news, I have too leve there's forms, like forever I'm so sad it's a long story hopefully some day I will see you again D': *hug*
    Big shout out to WindStorm: My best friend on here, and here's some pudding too remember me by




  12. #12
    Join Date
    Jul 2011
    Location
    go look for me!
    Posts
    14

    Default

    that was great! i cant wait to see what Arceus will do to help Shaymin? and when Arceus changes formes you should describe what the forme-changing process looks like. it would really add some detail. but other than that, amazing job!cant wait till u release the next chapter!
    Quote Originally Posted by Klizcool View Post
    Tired of having your siblings mess with your stuff? Get back at them by putting rat poison in their coffee. That'll really surprise them!

    Remember to tell the police that a charismatic Brony on the Internet made you to do it.
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rbrYHdjYb1c

  13. #13
    Join Date
    Apr 2011
    Location
    Serebii Forums, duh!
    Posts
    253

    Default

    I love the story so far! Poor Shamin with it's parents. Also I saw your sig, let me guess where you got the idea of the legendary meeting...... On the grammar side you need to start a new paragraph whenever someone is speaking. It makes it look cleaner.
    FC for Friend Safari: 0361-7472-0721 Fighting Type with Machoke , Pancham, and Hariyama . PM to exchange FC's.

    SHINIES: Lilpup, Chatot, and Froakie WILL TRADE FOR ANOTHER SHINY


    Chapter 7 out now!


  14. #14
    Join Date
    Apr 2011
    Location
    it is a mystery
    Posts
    69

    Default

    I have FINALLY gathered up some muse.
    This will (hopefully) be continued soon.

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •