Results 1 to 7 of 7

Thread: OGMJU [One-Shot] PG-13

  1. #1

    Default OGMJU [One-Shot] PG-13

    Violence and swearing. D:

    This is definitely new territory for me, as I've never written anything I'd classify as a "war fic" before. It's brief but does contain a few swear words and a couple of not-extremely-descriptive violent scenes so if you happen to be unbelievably squeamish, you might not want to read it (although it's really not too bad so I wouldn't worry).

    Not much to say, I guess. I hope you enjoy it. :)

    Edit: And I just realized, like a fool, that I put a "U" in the title rather than a "Y." Sigh.

    ONLY GOD MAY JUDGE YOU


    He stepped over yet another furry, bleeding body, refusing to get as good of a look as he had with the last one. He just kept talking, partly to himself and partly to the dirty black canine following him dutifully.

    He saw a blast of fire in the distance. An instant later, lightning erupted from the same location.

    He mumbled, repeating a phrase that his mother had often used to comfort him before he had taken off. “If you truly believe in your cause, only God may judge you.” The words had lost all meaning, so overly familiar to his tongue by now that they were nothing more than foreign sounds, but comforting sounds all the same.

    As happened more often than he liked, the words of the protesters forced their way onto his mind shortly after. They had looked right at him, directly into his eyes, and told him in no uncertain tone that what he was doing was wrong. He wasn’t angry. He always wondered how much right they had to pass judgment on him but managed every time to redirect his thoughts to something else before reaching a conclusion.

    He stopped behind a burned jeep that had flipped onto its side and examined his companion. A few cuts lined her side but she was otherwise fine. He scratched behind her ear and she wagged her stub of a tail. People had thought it an insane move to bring such a small animal onto the battlefield but it had turned out to be a stroke of luck. Her small size gave her increased maneuverability and her slick black coat blended in perfectly with the now-charred land. They hadn’t been separated since the creature had been given to the boy as a gift years ago and neither considered war a sufficient excuse to leave each other behind.

    She curled up next to him and he leaned back, looking toward the sky.

    Why was the sky cloudy for every Goddamned battle he had fought? No rain, only grayness. In fact, it had been that way for days. A little sun was all he wanted, something to light the world that wasn’t an explosion or a wall of flames. He couldn’t take the dullness anymore. It was driving him crazy.

    The endless, lumpy blanket of gray was split by the trail of a tire soaring towards them through the air.

    “Move!” he screamed, jumping up and trusting that his friend was behind him as he ran several yards to the right. They both winced as the tire slammed against the wrecked vehicle, causing it to wobble. Knowing what was coming, they prepared themselves for yet another quick brawl. He had seen the man before. Or rather, men just like him. Dressed in what was once a jet black uniform now tarnished by dirt and ash, he spoke in a language that the boy couldn’t understand but recognized immediately as the language of the enemy.

    The stranger’s Pokémon, however, was one he had never seen in person before. He was round, covered in rock plates that looked far too much like armor to believe it was selected based solely on a personal connection. Worst of all, his face and limbs, jutting out between the cracks of his shell, were prehistorically dangerous-looking, topped off by a deadly snarl on its face.

    “Three!” the boy yelled instinctively, watching his pooch send a ball of flame flying from her lips with a bark. The numbers were a technique used to save time, replacing the long attack and maneuver names with snappier commands.

    The fire, however, simply hit the stony enemy and was snuffed out in a puff of smoke.

    Wasting no time, the enemy screamed his own garbled command while his partner reacted immediately, curling into a tight ball and rolling toward the boy with increasing speed.

    “Shit!” He dived into the dirt while the rock creature sped by, pulling a hairpin turn the moment it realized it missed its target. Before it had the chance to take aim again, the boy was up and running. “One!” It was her most powerful fire attack, a stream rather than a blast, but it did little more than slow the opponent down. Its skin did glow red for a brief second, though, which seemed to aggravate it greatly.

    They boy got an idea. “One!” The same attack was repeated. “Keep it up for as long as you can!” He dived yet again to dodge the rolling stone, squinting from the heat as the pursuing pup and trail of fire followed. “Good girl!” He glanced at the other man and saw he was screaming at his now-bright red Pokémon, something that had gone unnoticed until now.

    Suddenly, apparently by command, the smoking, almost-bubbling boulder stopped. He stopped attacking, he stopped rolling, and judging from the dead look in his eyes, he had stopped caring. What followed happened too suddenly for the boy to comprehend immediately.

    The Pokémon exploded.

    Whether by the heat or a special technique, it became a living bomb, destroying both itself and the boy’s Pokémon, scorching the land around it, and covering the boy’s screams with a ringing left in the ears of anyone within hearing range. He wore his lungs out after only a few seconds, soon reducing his cries into wheezes and then nothing but sobs. She was absolutely decimated. Aside from a few scraps of hide and guts, she had crumbled into nothing more than a pile of ash.

    Adding Pokémon to the battlefield was supposed to decrease the psychological damage of war. If you weren’t the one doing the actual killing, then the burden of murder would not be an issue. Pokémon were considered expendable. The military saw not the importance of the creatures to individual soldiers but rather the value of them as a weapon. It was a controversial view.

    The boy ripped a knife from the small case on his belt and ran at the man without delay. Tears burned his eyes and blurred his vision. His target was enormous but there were no stakes left. They would both die eventually.

    With this being the dominant thought in his mind, he dived through the air and stuck the blade as hard as he could into the guy’s chubby stomach and they both fell to the ground. Blood gurgled out and ran down his sides.

    It was strange. The boy felt no pleasure now. He wasn’t even relieved to have avenged his Pokémon. In fact, he felt nothing now. Why was the anger gone? Where was the fear? He pulled the knife from the flesh and stared at it. He had murdered. He had reacted in a single flash of rage and had murdered another human being.

    The world was silent now. The gray seemed fitting. If he could survive long enough to get back home, he would probably be rewarded for bravery. That was meaningless to him, though. The opinions of bloodthirsty bastards and supporters who only saw in black and white literally meant nothing. He could only wonder what God would think.
    Last edited by [Imaginative]:[Clockwork]; 8th June 2011 at 3:26 AM.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Oct 2010
    Location
    Mother's Basement, USA
    Posts
    572

    Default

    Nice! I always wondered how war in the Pokeworld was.

    Pretty awesome stuff you wrote, soldier.

  3. #3

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Sgeckledorf Spoongeblorb View Post
    Nice! I always wondered how war in the Pokeworld was.

    Pretty awesome stuff you wrote, soldier.
    Well now you know my take on it. :) Thanks for reviewing!

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Location
    Area Unknown
    Posts
    2,622

    Default

    An instant later, lighting erupted from the same location.
    Do you mean lightning?


    I like it. It said what it had to say, conveyed the emotions it had to convey, and it still kept up the darkness of a war. It brings up a lot of questions, too [Why is there a war in the first place? What was its outcome?]. I also like the brief battle between what I assume was a Golem and a Houndour, and how, true to the nature of war, they all become its victims in the end.

    Keep it up! =)


    Berries -- Escape Rope -- A Friday



    images were taken from three specific pages of Serebii.net

  5. #5

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Dramatic Melody View Post
    Do you mean lightning?
    Fixed. :)

    Quote Originally Posted by Dramatic Melody View Post
    I like it. It said what it had to say, conveyed the emotions it had to convey, and it still kept up the darkness of a war. It brings up a lot of questions, too [Why is there a war in the first place? What was its outcome?]. I also like the brief battle between what I assume was a Golem and a Houndour, and how, true to the nature of war, they all become its victims in the end.

    Keep it up! =)
    Thank you! I'm so relieved you knew what the Pokémon were. XD I figured that it would be time-consuming to explain the background and everything of the war when I really just wanted to focus on that small moment. Anyway, I'm glad you liked it. Thanks for reading!

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Jun 2004
    Posts
    3,038

    Default

    Edit: And I just realized, like a fool, that I put a "U" in the title rather than a "Y." Sigh.
    PM a mod to change it if it really bothers you. ;P

    Why was the sky cloudy for every God damned battle he had fought?
    "Goddamned" is one word.

    The endless, lumpy blanket of gray was spit by the trail of a tire soaring towards them through the air.
    "Split" I believe. I do like the imagery here.

    Anyway, war AU pokemon fics are some of my favorite AUs, and while the one-shots often end in a similar vein (someone dying and someone being pissed/sad about it ;P), they're always executed in unique and powerful ways. Yours was no exception. What was particularly nice about your story was your description. I could imagine everything nicely, and the setting matched the mood gorgeously. I also like how your character actually mused about the gray sky at the start of the fic; it was a neat way to bring the narrative and description together. The battle was executed well. I liked the character's way of commanding his pokemon, and the description of the attacks was done well, not too redundant but still enough for me to get into the heart of the action.

    I did like your character's initial reaction to what happened to his pokemon. I also like how you structured the story seemingly around that one simple phrase "The pokemon exploded" where things were fine (well, as fine as they can be as a solider in the middle of battle) and then did a complete 180 on the other side.

    I keep looking at your last sentence. I like it lots, but the ambiguous language is making me wonder what "this" is referring to. It kind of reads like it's more attached to the sentence before that, which I'm not sure if that's what you wanted, though I think it's suppose to be attached to the murdered paragraph ...? I suppose that's the magic of that sentence, though. =P

    I do kind of wish you expanded on the relationship with the houndour and gave a little more interaction between her and her trainer, even if it's small stuff like scratching her behind her ears or something. The little add ins like "Good girl" helped with the emotional build, though.

    Overall, good stuff like always. =) Hope to see more of your work soon.

  7. #7

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Breezy View Post
    PM a mod to change it if it really bothers you. ;P
    I don't wanna be a hassle. :P I guess "you" could be "U" in some cases.

    Quote Originally Posted by Breezy View Post
    Anyway, war AU pokemon fics are some of my favorite AUs, and while the one-shots often end in a similar vein (someone dying and someone being pissed/sad about it ;P), they're always executed in unique and powerful ways. Yours was no exception. What was particularly nice about your story was your description. I could imagine everything nicely, and the setting matched the mood gorgeously. I also like how your character actually mused about the gray sky at the start of the fic; it was a neat way to bring the narrative and description together. The battle was executed well. I liked the character's way of commanding his pokemon, and the description of the attacks was done well, not too redundant but still enough for me to get into the heart of the action.
    Sorry I didn't break the mold. ;D I'm stoked you were still able to enjoy it though! Especially the battle, since I felt like that might be a tad too brief.

    Quote Originally Posted by Breezy View Post
    I did like your character's initial reaction to what happened to his pokemon. I also like how you structured the story seemingly around that one simple phrase "The pokemon exploded" where things were fine (well, as fine as they can be as a solider in the middle of battle) and then did a complete 180 on the other side.
    I was very careful to try and make that event stand out as much as possible. It was hard to decide whether or not it was too short or too blunt or whatever. Nevertheless, I'm happy you thought it worked well.

    Quote Originally Posted by Breezy View Post
    I keep looking at your last sentence. I like it lots, but the ambiguous language is making me wonder what "this" is referring to. It kind of reads like it's more attached to the sentence before that, which I'm not sure if that's what you wanted, though I think it's suppose to be attached to the murdered paragraph ...? I suppose that's the magic of that sentence, though. =P
    Unintentional magic, I'm afraid. XD It was just supposed to be him wondering what God would think of him killing a man. I took of the "of this" at the end to hopefully make it seem less attached to a specific piece of the story and more just a general question about how God would judge the boy.

    Quote Originally Posted by Breezy View Post
    I do kind of wish you expanded on the relationship with the houndour and gave a little more interaction between her and her trainer, even if it's small stuff like scratching her behind her ears or something. The little add ins like "Good girl" helped with the emotional build, though.

    Overall, good stuff like always. =) Hope to see more of your work soon.
    I'll have to try and edit a few little things in there, but no good spots jumped out at me as I read it through again. I'll keep looking. :)

    Anyway, thanks so much for reviewing. :D

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •