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Thread: "Don't Think, Just Do" A Pokemon Fanfic.

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  1. #1
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    Post "Don't Think, Just Do" A Pokemon Fanfic.

    Prologue: The Origin Of The Facepalm


    ...Things go about the same these days in Sinnoh. Or, at least, this is what is considered "Normal" for these two boys. And today, like many others, is of little to no exception. Today, this one young boy realizes just how normal his days will get, seeing as his friend (who shall be named shortly) is about to have an very unexpected change of pace from here on in...
    From my recollection, I think I remember the first half being told to me like this...

    ... ... ...


    ... "Seriously?" the incredulous voice of an young male asked. He fixed his red-framed glasses back onto his face to assure himself of what he was seeing.

    "What, not good enough?" another boy asked back actually thinking that dignified a response.

    They both observed an pretty agitated Gardevoir, heavily dosed with pounds upon pounds of ridiculous colors of makeup. Lipstick, mascara, heavy over-furrowed eyebrows, everything but the shoe polish was but on Gardevoir's face and body.

    The first boy slapped his face and dragged his palm down the length of it, stretching the skin as far as he could as to hide his disgust and anger.

    "Billy," the first boy said as he grinded his teeth together. "I gave you my Pokemon under one condition. Do you remember what that was?"

    To this Billy raised his finger to his mouth; his trademark sign to show him being deep in thought.

    "Hmm...Something about..." Billy kept mumbling things such as this, trying to prolong the scolding he was going to receive from forgetting the one and only condition.

    "You forgot didn't you?" he asked.

    "Uh! ... Well, yea. Sorry Mickey..." Billy replied.

    Billy shielded himself up as Mickey slowly raised his arm. But after a few seconds, he didn't hear any yelling. He turned back to Mickey to find his eyebrows raised expectantly at him as he wiped away the excess makeup from Gardevoir's face.

    "Two days ago, Billy..." Mickey started continuing to clean his Pokemon. "You told me that there was a Pokemon Contest in Veilstone City. Remember that?"

    Billy raised his hand again, then snapped.

    "Oh yeah, yeah..." he finally said. "I remember now! That lady came up to and handed me that piece of paper!"

    Mickey stopped for a second to reach into the coat pocket of his favorite red jacket. Gardevoir quietly sighed as it finally had some time to relax its face.

    "And did you READ that paper, Billy?" he asked as he pulled out the yellow sheet and handed it back to his friend.

    "Oh, uhm...No I guess I never got around to it..."

    Mickey's eyes rolled. Got around to it... he spat at the words in his mind.

    Billy skimmed the paper at first, then re-read it after he came across one or two key points.

    Calling all Trainers!

    Are you interested in entering your prized Pokemon in the beauty pageant of her dreams?! Well your wait ends here! Today at 3:00 PM, come showcase your Pokemon's grace and passion, by signing up for the
    15th Annual Walk-In Pokemon Pageant!

    Entries Begin at Noon Today in the Veilstone City Pokemon Center!
    First Place gets a years supply of cosmetics from Pokemon Quarterly, and a cash prize of 500!!!


    The paper covered Billy's view of Mickey and his Gardevoir, so he slowly lowered it to peek at how Mickey was looking. Embarrassed and shocked, he tried to slip away as the two were still cleaning up.

    "Billy..." Mickey slowly said, stopping him cold.

    "Uhm..." Billy laughed. "Y-yea, Mickey?"

    "Do 'ya see why I'm upset now?"

    The paper flew around in his grasp from the winds coming in from the West, and Billy could only feel the chill as they passed over them. Mickey, having just finished with Gardevoir, balled up the raggedy washcloth and tucked it into the same pocket the paper emerged from. He sighed heavily, then sharply glared back to Billy.

    "...That WASN'T a Pokemon CONTEST!" he yelled. "It was a BLOODY BEAUTY PAGEANT!!"

    Billy knew that Mickey was furious now, because usually 3 things happen when he is:


    1. He yells.
    2. He never breaks eye contact
    3. His British accent comes out clear as day

    He tried his hardest to calm him down.

    "Okay," he said. "I know your upset, but what's the big deal? We still won!"

    There was a big pile of different Pokemon cosmetics lying in the middle of where they'd set up camp. Now, you would think that carrying a huge crate of makeup would come off as odd when you see a young teenage boy happily tugging it along a path, but it had to have been downright embarrassing for the Pokemon that was forced to wear it.

    Mickey's nostrils flared in disgust as he thought about this, then he walked over to their campsite and rummaged through his bag. After a few seconds, he pulled out a thick binder with a lot of papers neatly tucked inside. Once he'd found the sheet he wanted, Mickey smacked it in Billy's face for him to read.

    Pokemon Certificate
    Name: Garde
    Species: Gardevoir
    Date of Capture: June 6th
    Gender: ... o_o*!!

    ... Oh, no ...

    "Do you see it now Billy?" Mickey asked, hoping for Billy's safety he knew the correct answer.

    Gender: *Male*

    "The reason I'm so livid wit' you, is b'cause Garde is a BLOODY BOY!" he yelled. "You entered my BLOODY Pokemon into a GIRLS only 'booty pageant!"

    Haha...he said 'booty'! Billy laughed to himself after hearing Mickey's angry interpretation of 'BEAUTY'.

    Mickey growled and pulled out one of his Pokeballs. With a press of the button, it enlarged and he tossed it into the air.

    "Go, Maestro!" he called out.

    Kricketune, or Maestro as it was nicknamed, stood by Mickey's side, just as angry and fuming mad as its Trainer. Garde took HIS position aswell, both ready to strike when commanded.

    Mickey affixed his glasses onto his face once more, the glare from the sun making him look even more devilish.

    "Maestro," Mickey said, beginning to give an order. "Use Act I, Overture..."

    The hallmark of Maestro's moveset was all thanks to a training regiment Mickey'd taught him earlier as an Kricketot. 'Act I: Overture' is a series of planned movements and songs that lulls any Pokemon (or in this case, Trainer) into moving exactly how Mickey wants his opponents to.

    At the precise moment the foe is in the position desired, Mickey delivers the final blow...

    Billy knew of his style of battle with Kricketune, but never even heard of some of their songs together; let alone the heart-racing fact that he'd decided to use a new composition on him.

    Billy however, had a special strategy on his own. He has an special training style of working in moves as quickly as possible then leading to a grand finale to top it all off.

    ... But as I said, most of Mickey and Billy's mishaps are more than commonplace on days such as this,

    ...and for Billy, TODAY was starting off just as normal as ever. He'd even come up with a new style of battling:

    ...Running...Like Hell...

    __________________________________________________ ______________


    Okay. Please tell me what you all think! I love constructive criticism because it helps me get better. I had plans not to too much introduce Billy and Mickey's looks to you guys just yet. (Saving that for the actual CHAPTER, but I think I did a pretty good job personality wise...)

    Last edited by bookauthor1123; 7th June 2011 at 10:16 PM. Reason: Just to go over the rest of the errors...

    Credit to
    SWORN METALHEAD
    for the sig!

  2. #2
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    Looks like a good start to me! I don't see any spelling errors (but I don't usually go looking for that sort of thing, so don't think there aren't any yet), and the characters seem believable enough. The male Gardevoir getting put in the beauty pageant was especially funny. I'm going to be following this Fiction.
    Last edited by chanseychansey77; 7th June 2011 at 6:52 PM.

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    Okay,

    not to be a nag but I'm pretty sure you are not supposed to link anything in your fic, such as http://archives.bulbagarden.net/medi...9monDollar.png , I understand that you were trying to get a picture of the Pokemon currency but still.

    For the most part the grammar on your story is pretty good

    They both observed a pretty agitated Gardevoir, heavily dosed with pounds upon pounds of ridiculous colors of makeup.
    That might have just been an accident, but that's the only thing that really popped out to me.

    Another thing I'd like to say is that the story is good and gave me several chuckles, the only thing I'd like to mention is the formatting, there is one thing that bugs me.

    1. He yells.
    2. He never breaks eye contact
    3. His British accent comes out clear as day
    I think that just should be told in a more story-format, something such as...

    There were three things that usually happened whenever Billy turned angry, one being the fact that he yells a lot. The other two would be that he NEVER breaks eye contact and his British accent is heard as clear as day.
    That might not be the greatest example and it might only be a nit-pick but still...

    Also, one last note is that I think that there could be a bit more description when it comes to some of the characters or anything that is happening.

    They both observed an pretty agitated Gardevoir, heavily dosed with pounds upon pounds of ridiculous colors of makeup.
    I feel that there could be a bit more here such as the colors and designs, I feel like there could just be a little more to give you a better image when reading this..

    The story is quite good so far, I'll stick around to see how everything goes!
    Insert Cool FanFic Banner Here.
    Maybe I should start writing one of those...

    Honestly, the hell if I know...

  4. #4
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    A male gardevoir, haha. That was funny.
    † I am a Christian and proud of it! Copy and paste this if you are too.†



    Christianity is a Relationship with our true God, Jesus. It's not a Religion. Copy and paste If you agree

    Registeel is mine, yay!

    Adventure of Adventureness & Awesome of Awesomeness: Smashing the 4th wall into gazillion pieces since 2010. - Sig too long, so Mod a cropped it

  5. #5
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    Exclamation Chapter One: The Sunyshore Pokemon Festival!

    Quote Originally Posted by UltimatePokemonExpert View Post
    A male gardevoir, haha. That was funny.
    Lol, Thanks. I kind of consider this to be one of my FAVORITE flaws in Pokemon. So I had to incorporate it somehow.

    Quote Originally Posted by Legend of Lucario View Post
    Okay,

    not to be a nag but I'm pretty sure you are not supposed to link anything in your fic, such as http://archives.bulbagarden.net/medi...9monDollar.png , I understand that you were trying to get a picture of the Pokemon currency but still.

    For the most part the grammar on your story is pretty good



    That might have just been an accident, but that's the only thing that really popped out to me.

    Another thing I'd like to say is that the story is good and gave me several chuckles, the only thing I'd like to mention is the formatting, there is one thing that bugs me.



    I think that just should be told in a more story-format, something such as...



    That might not be the greatest example and it might only be a nit-pick but still...

    Also, one last note is that I think that there could be a bit more description when it comes to some of the characters or anything that is happening.



    I feel that there could be a bit more here such as the colors and designs, I feel like there could just be a little more to give you a better image when reading this..

    The story is quite good so far, I'll stick around to see how everything goes!
    All very helpful tips, thanks! I decided before even posting the fic up that I'd keep the descriptions brief so that I could do it in the actual story. So I kinda did that on purpose. And yes, I know about the link. I just don't see why it did that because when I put it in the fic, the actual SYMBOL showed up, and not all of...that...

    Quote Originally Posted by chanseychansey77 View Post
    Looks like a good start to me! I don't see any spelling errors (but I don't usually go looking for that sort of thing, so don't think there aren't any yet), and the characters seem believable enough. The male Gardevoir getting put in the beauty pageant was especially funny. I'm going to be following this Fiction.
    Thanks alot for your input! Greatly appreciated! I can honestly say though that this is the first time (by my recollection, I may be wrong) that I actually went back to correct spelling errors.

    _____________________________________________
    Sorry, this Chapter may be a tad bit longer than the others, but now!

    Chapter One: The Sunyshore Pokemon Festival!

    ...I remember first meeting this duo of friends like it was yesterday...
    No, it actually wasn't yesterday, but with my memory you might as well say so.

    If you, knowing what I know now, were to have approached me at anytime in the past and told me about this odd pair that I was destined to meet,
    I would have simply passed you the same harsh glares I'd given them, and gone on with life as is...

    Albeit that yes, that might've been a little rude of me but, after what's transpired, I'm sure you would have come to forgive me...

    ... ... ...

    No one's quite sure what it is, but it seems to be that whenever Mickey and Billy are together, little to no good comes from it. Ironically, little to no good comes from them being apart for too long either.

    He was only fifteen years old, with a four-Pokemon team and 6 badges to his name. Red glasses covering black eyes that gave him a regal and refined look. All he donned for clothing were his favorite red jacket with a black t-shirt beneath, fitting black jeans, and a comfortable pair of red and black sneakers. His soft, dark brown hair flowed a little over his brow, and stopped at just about his neck in a sort of shaggy way.

    Mickey grew up under the proud family name Michael Clarence Kingsley. Of course, calling him by anything other than 'Mickey' might earn you the same scolding given to Billy every now and again...maybe even a little more.

    Now don't be mislead, Mickey held his name with distinction, but he felt it too formal among his peers and decided that changing it would be more suitable for his new environment.

    Mickey's family were all originally of English descent, and decided that a change of pace to Sinnoh wouldn't be that bad.

    They were right. The move opened up many job opportunities for the trio-Mickey, his father, and his mother.

    His mother, Clarice, began work as the weather girl on Pokemon Weekly. You could think of that as "Good Morning America" for anyone in the Pokemon World. His father, Timothy, started working immediately as the go-to-guy in the corporate Poketch business, as was the reason for the move.

    After about a week, they put Mickey into a boarding school just a little south of Veilstone City, his hometown in Sinnoh.

    There, at the Pokemon Academy, was where he met William A. Hasselbury, or as you might recognize him as, Billy H.

    Billy had bright orange hair, and pink rosy skin, which ran in the men of his family since back in the 1800's. His eyes were blue, his favorite color, and he wore a blue sweater to match them. Other than that he chose to keep his wardrobe simple. A pressed pair of khaki's and white sneakers that gave him more of an laid-back, and relaxed look.

    He was All-American, born and raised there in Veilstone since birth, but Billy is only a few months younger than Mickey, so when they became friends, he quickly looked to Mickey as an older brother.

    When they started out on their journey, it was Billy's tendency of forgetfulness and fits of amnesia that humorously made the two inseparable.

    Too bad that sometimes that didn't always come in handy...

    ~~~

    "AHHH! Billy screamed runing through the woods on his Dodrio. "Come on Mickey, can't we talk about this?! Ahh! It was an honest mistake! AHH!"

    "I'm gonna getchu ya' blubb'rin idiot!" Mickey yelled, his accent clearly catching up with him.

    Mickey decided to chase Billy on foot, they ran through the forests adjacent to Sunyshore Manor, one of the biggest houses in Sunyshore City. As far as they knew, some real rich and arrogant guy lived there, and have been told not to tread too far in that direction.

    But what would you do when your only other alternative is facing a bloodthirsty Brit' and his even thirstier squad of Pokemon?

    After getting constantly shot at by Garde's Shadow Ball and having Maestro continuously play a eulogy to a funeral that didn't even happen yet, Billy and Dodrio emerged from the woods into the busy streets of Sunyshore. He quickly hopped off and returned her to the Pokeball, then ran deeper into the city to blend in with the crowds.

    Mickey came out seconds after that, noticing that not only the hard-to-miss Dodrio was missing, but (more importantly) so was Billy.

    Wha--? Mickey thought. "Now where'd he go off too?"

    He took a few steps forward and heard a loud crunch beneath his feet. Mickey looked down and saw that it was just a twig that they'd trailed out from the woods, and several other leaves leaving a trail further into the city.

    Wait, what the? Mickey looked down at the trail once more. Billy must have had leaves stuck to 'im after he came from the forest...

    "Garde, Maestro, let's keep on looking..." he said with a sly grin perched on his face.

    Then the trio all walked walked into the busy streets as well; Garde on his left, Maestro on his right...

    ~~~

    Oh, no! Oh, NO! What do I do?! Billy thought noticing the leaves on his shirt and dusting them off into a pile. I know he's looking for me! He HAS to be...There's gotta be some way to--

    "Hats and costumes here! Get y'er hats and costumes here!" a man yelled from further down the long road. "Very cheap and worth the buy! Come on up and get your hats and costumes!"

    That's it! Billy smiled. He reached into his pocket and pulled out the prize money from a few days ago. Only 215...

    Nervously, he stepped up to the booth. "Why hello there, young man! Care to buy a costume? Or maybe a hats more to your liking?"

    "Uh, yea sure..." he said.

    There was quite a huge selection for such a small kiosk. You could dress up as an miniature Onix or a Weedle, Wormadam or even Drilbur. Billy was so entranced he;d forgotten the seriousness of why he'd even bothered to walk up in the first place.

    "Splendid!" The man exclaimed happily in reply. "So, what'll you have?"

    Billy studdered for a second in thought, but his vision made his head shoot to the side. The sunlight was brighter further down the path; Billy hadn't noticed how bright because his back had been turned the whole time from running, but he could still see faint silhouettes of Pokemon along with their Trainers, walking happily, or was that angrily, together.

    He thought his eyes were surely playing tricks on him, so he squinted hard and leaned forward to reassure himself. To his shock, Mickey had came that way looking for him, but his eyes where shifting from the ground to the stands respectively.

    CRAP! It's him! He's found me!! Billy panicked.

    "Well, kid?" the clerk called calmly. "What'll it be?"

    "UH! UM! ANYTHING! Just gimme anything! Here!" Billy yelled throwing down all the money and snatching a random costume.

    The man whistled in delight and started to happily giggle.

    "Why, thank you, son!" he said. "You know I--" ...the man looked up to look back at him, but Billy had left as soon as he grabbed the costume.

    Within an instant, Billy changed and ....wriggled out back into the streets. Mickey drew closer by the second, eyes still on the ground and then to another booth. Trying to keep safe distance, Billy hopped further down the path, repeatedly tripping over himself trying to stay balanced.

    After he'd fallen again, he just made up his mind to slither along as best he could the rest of the way.

    ~~~~~~

    "Oomph!" That's the sound Mickey heard as he continued to follow the leafy trail. He quickly looked up to see what it was, but couldn't look any further up the path from his position due to the massive amount of people obscuring his vision.

    ...? ...That sounded like... Mickey thought as he envisioned his target.

    He picked up the pace and continued following the path of forestry, finally stopping-and bucking his head-on a Pokemon Costume shack.

    He mumbled quite a few silent obscenities as he nurtured his pain with his left arm. The other he used to lift himself up and observe what hit him.

    "You okay there, bud?" the shop owner asked. "I can tell that didn't feel too pleasant..."

    "Yes, I'm alright. Thank you..." Mickey said with his eyes still following the trail. It leads back into these bushes behind the shop...

    He walked to the back before the man could ask him if he wanted to purchase anything(seeing as Billy had all the money it wouldn't have been worth it anyway), then jumped into the bushes to see if he'd caught his 'friend' or not.

    Huh?! Mickey thought, shocked.

    Sitting in a pile behind the very first set of shrubs, was Billy's shirt, his shoes, pants, and worse, his underwear...

    He took off ALL of his clothes?... FOR WHAT? It's not like he--...

    Mickey was about to asses the situation to himself before it all became clear to him. He ran out from the shrub and back to Garde and Maestro, whohad been observing the costumes the man had up.

    "Excuse me, sir?" Mickey called.

    "Why, yes? What can I do for you?"

    "Did a kid about ye' high with bright orange hair come past here?"

    "Hmm...Oh! You mean the 'ol blue eyed kid, right?"

    "So you've seen 'im?"

    "Sure, kid came by here just a few minutes ago!

    "Do you know which way he went?"

    "Well sure, he started limping on up the path there, started falling all over himself!" the man chuckled as he recalled the boy to Mickey. "Wh--why, he ain' git too far up the road! If you hurry now you might catch em..."

    Mickey got a devilish gleam in his eyes that matched that of his Pokemon, then they all ran off towards the direction the man pointed out. "Thanks alot, sir! We appreciate it!" he yelled as he headed down path.

    "It was no problem, kid! And you make sure to tell your friend... Tanks order rash!..." his voice trailed off soon before he stopped speaking, but Mickey was...almost sure he'd heard that right.

    Tanks order rash?? Mickey thought quizzically. What a weird place, Sunyshore...

    __________________________________________________ __________


    OKAY! That's Chapter One! Had to cut it a little short for now so that I could set up Chapter Two in my noggin!

    Make sure to give me feedback!

    Credit to
    SWORN METALHEAD
    for the sig!

  6. #6
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    All right, so I'm liking it so far, there's just a couple more things that I would like to point out, if you don't mind... *gets shot*

    Billy was so entranced he'd forgotten the seriousness of why he'd even bothered to walk up in the first place.
    An accident I'm sure

    One thing that also gets to me (and this may only be another nitpick but...) is that you use British and American is a ethnic description of your characters, and I understand that you are trying to create an image for us, but these places technically do not exist in the Pokemon world, I mean it doesn't take away from the story that much but still, just a thought of mine.

    Also, you gave us the name of Mickey's Pokemon but we have no idea what they even are or any description of them and I know you may be thinking (LOL you're on a Pokemon Forum, you should know what they look like!) but the best way to tell a Pokemon story is to describe them as if we've never seen them before in our lives!

    Also, you gave us a description of Billy and Mickey, but it's rather boring, people like to be shown things not really told so maybe try instead of...

    Billy has red hair and blue eyes with a sweater to match.
    (I know it wasn't that exactly but, well...)

    to

    Billy generally liked to brush his short, red hair down onto his forehead. His outfit usually seemed to consist of an old, blue sweater that matched his eyes and a pair of khakis.
    I honestly wouldn't put in the portion that says it gave him a laid back look, only because you want the reader to form their own images and interpretations...

    Sorry if I seem critical, I'm not trying to be and I know my examples are probably no better than your work but still...But I do like this story and I still do intend to read!

    - Oh and I'd also like to say, make sure you proof-read when you finish, you'll pick up a lot of errors and you might find things you want to change that way!
    Insert Cool FanFic Banner Here.
    Maybe I should start writing one of those...

    Honestly, the hell if I know...

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    Quote Originally Posted by Legend of Lucario View Post
    All right, so I'm liking it so far, there's just a couple more things that I would like to point out, if you don't mind... *gets shot*



    An accident I'm sure

    One thing that also gets to me (and this may only be another nitpick but...) is that you use British and American is a ethnic description of your characters, and I understand that you are trying to create an image for us, but these places technically do not exist in the Pokemon world, I mean it doesn't take away from the story that much but still, just a thought of mine.

    Also, you gave us the name of Mickey's Pokemon but we have no idea what they even are or any description of them and I know you may be thinking (LOL you're on a Pokemon Forum, you should know what they look like!) but the best way to tell a Pokemon story is to describe them as if we've never seen them before in our lives!

    Also, you gave us a description of Billy and Mickey, but it's rather boring, people like to be shown things not really told so maybe try instead of...

    (I know it wasn't that exactly but, well...)

    to



    I honestly wouldn't put in the portion that says it gave him a laid back look, only because you want the reader to form their own images and interpretations...

    Sorry if I seem critical, I'm not trying to be and I know my examples are probably no better than your work but still...But I do like this story and I still do intend to read!

    - Oh and I'd also like to say, make sure you proof-read when you finish, you'll pick up a lot of errors and you might find things you want to change that way!
    Lol, No it's fine! I appreciate your input! I'll be sure to use all of this in the future so feel free to say what you mean and mean what you say!

    Credit to
    SWORN METALHEAD
    for the sig!

  8. #8
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    Hey nice job! I like what I see so far. Good luck with the rest of the story!

    Also, Lucario said to proofread... I may be beating a dead horse here, but I'm writing a story of my own and I'm done with the third chapter, but I'm still seeing mistakes in the first. It's a good idea to look back over for those little errors that annoy people.

    But nevertheless, I will be coming back to see what happens. You're doing great! Keep it up!

    Credit goes to Lucina Archaelis

  9. #9
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    Talking

    Quote Originally Posted by epicninjask123 View Post
    Hey nice job! I like what I see so far. Good luck with the rest of the story!

    Also, Lucario said to proofread... I may be beating a dead horse here, but I'm writing a story of my own and I'm done with the third chapter, but I'm still seeing mistakes in the first. It's a good idea to look back over for those little errors that annoy people.

    But nevertheless, I will be coming back to see what happens. You're doing great! Keep it up!
    Thankz alot Ninjask! Gladyou like the story so far! I'll be posting Chapter 3 up soon, hopefully if I don't get all wordy like last time, I can actually have you all meet one of the most important characters to my fic. Only time'll tell I guess...

    Credit to
    SWORN METALHEAD
    for the sig!

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    Post Chapter Two: The Not-So 'Fantastic' Mr. Fox (Part I)

    *Quick Question!* For those of you who skim through this every now and again, I do appreciate that by the way, do you guys think this Fic is good enough to have a PM list?

    I just want people to know when I make a new Chapter. You can answer in your comments.

    Thanks!
    __________________________________________________ _______________

    Chapter Two: The Not-So 'Fantastic' Mr. Fox
    Part I

    ... ... ...

    ...Would you believe that I didn't used to enjoy the company of children?

    That's sort of how I acquired my infamous nickname, but for the life of me I can't quite recall what it was at the moment...

    I'm sure it'll come back to be sooner
    or later...

    These two boys, they taught me something over the course of my time with them...

    It's just a shame that some lessons are learned
    more difficultly than others
    ...

    ...It's a shame really...

    ...Enjoy the story...

    ... ... ...


    ~~~

    Billy straggled along down the path of the festivities, trying his hardest to manage in the chafing uniform he'd bought from the costume shop a mile or so back. It sometimes amazed Mickey how dexterous Billy can be when motivated; and, truth be told, it amazed Billy as well.

    Too bad that, on more occasions than need be, Billy has to display his dexterity by maneuvering through a random crowd of citizens to escape certain death by the means of his best friend and his maniacal group of Pokemon.

    Well, maybe that wasn't exactly the case here, but Billy needed some excuse for the situation, and at the moment that seemed to be the better description.

    Urgh! URGH! Urgh!!!! Billy groaned struggling to slither further along the path. Stupid...Urgh....Costume!

    Up to this point, alot of Billy's actions haven't been the wisest. He has a 5-Pokemon team, one more than Mickey has currently, he's stuck in an body hugging Pokemon costume and he's sure people are passing him confused and worried looks. But to top it all off; he's naked.

    Today just wasn't his day, but it wasn't necessarily Mickey's either.

    ~~~

    Mickey, Garde, and Maestro all continued to run down the path, surprised at how long this whole thing was taking.

    Geez! he angrily thought. How far did this 'bloke actually GO?!

    Suddenly, he began to hear some rather unpleasant grunts that made him and his team slow to a stop...

    Urgh! URGH! Urgh!!!! ...Stupid...Urgh....Costume!


    ...Huh? What was that?

    Instinctively, Mickey looked straight ahead, trying to find anyone with maybe a stomach ache or someone with a heavy brain freeze. He saw no one of the sort. Everyone pretty much looked happy and normal, which caused his fit of confusion to get all the more bigger.

    It was when a couple that had to shift to their right angrily yelled at an abnormally sized Pokemon, did Mickey's small headache began to evaporate.

    Garde's brows raised in shock, and Maestro couldn't for the life of him determine what he was seeing.

    "...Is...is that a Giant Ekans?" the man of the young couple asked.

    "Aww, it's so CUTE!" the giddy girl laughed.

    ...Got'cha...
    Mickey laughed menacingly as he whispered a command to Garde.

    In turn, Garde's eyes glowed purple, and the Ekans lifted up in the air.

    "Wha--!? What!?!? What's going on? How am I floating?!" the Ekans yelled, frightening the couple.

    "Don't worry about it!" Mickey assured them. "That's no 'Ekans'! That's just a...friend...of mine." he used the term loosely, for at the moment he feels more like the enemy that he kept close than the friend he'd grown up with.

    With no other options, Billy slithered his way out of the Ekans costume; he frightened everyone in the crowd as it appeared that the Ekans was throwing up a teenage boy it had eaten.

    Little girls and boys where crying, most of the adults began screaming, and it didn't help that Billy screamed and ran off from Mickey, because it made the illusion all the more scary.

    The couple long since ran off from the "lifeless" Ekans carcass that lay flat on the gravel, and a naked Billy sprinted for the end of the street-just a little farther away.

    "Go, Dodrio! Get me out of here!" Billy yelled tossing her Pokeball out in front of him.

    In a silver sparkly flash of light, Dodrio materialized in front of him, and began sprinting out to let her Trainer hop on.

    "Oh, no you don't!" Mickey yelled reaching into his messenger bag. "You two, return!"

    He returned Garde and Maestro to their Pokeballs and quickly pulled out a third. After it enlarged, he tossed it up high into the air.

    "Go, Shisa !" he called as it popped open.

    In a second flash, amidst all the turmoil and fright of the festival goers, an energetic and ferocious looking Arcanine appeared in front of Mickey, who quickly gave him a command.

    "Shisa!" he yelled. "Go after Dodrio! Extremespeed!"

    With an aggressive and hearty bark, Shisa shot off in a blur of different colors towards Billy and his Pokemon, who were drawing ever closer.

    "Ahh!" Billy gasped. "Dodrio, Agility!"

    Dodrio narrowed her body and picked up the pace, narrowly escaping Mickey's reach just after they'd caught up.

    With an angry snarl, Mickey kept up the commands.

    "Alright, Shisa! Give'em your Roar!"

    "CaaaaaaaNINE!" Shisa yelled as she barked at Dodrio.

    In fright, Dodrio phased back into her Pokeball, leaving Billy flying through mid-air.

    They'd finally reached the entrance of the festival, right at the end of the long Terminal Highway. Mickey and Shisa were still moving at the pace of Extremespeed, just seconds away from the high flying Billy...

    They almost had him...

    Almost...

    Just a little more...

    Wait... Mickey thought. Who's that?!

    ~~~

    "What IS going on at my Festival!?" someone yelled in a fit of anger.

    He was a short and burly man. Old with graying hair that you could tell was thinning even whilst it being underneath his boiler hat.

    The suit he wore was finely tailored. It was all black from top to bottom, but the light from being outdoors made the silky smooth fabric gleam and sparkle.

    To match his golden plated buttons that lined the overcoat (even in places you couldn't even button up), he had a silken yellow handkerchief folded into the pocket of it, and he slouched over on top of an wooden cane with a golden Slowbro embroidered onto the handle of it.

    He had quite the entourage too. Three fairly tall men who didn't appear armed or even dangerous, but their combined muscular appearances and the dark shaded that his their faces made it seem like they were.

    They showed little to no emotions, the trio, all but maybe a small nod or smirk to a random child that waved hello to the strangers.

    "AHH!!!" someone screamed from above the four men.

    "What the--?" the shortest said in shock.

    "LOOK OUT BELOW, MAN!" Billy yelled as he came down from the sky.

    Billy slammed down on top of the four men with a hard and loud OOMPH! The fall was painful, especially since they were embraced by the "graceful" feel of the concrete below them.

    "Ergh! Get...OFF me, you little ruffian!" the man demanded trying to pull himself free from the rest of the four.

    "Heh heh..." Billy laughed nervously. "Sorry about that, sir..."

    The guards got up first and snatched the naked child from the ground. The third helped the shortest to his feet and attempted to dust him off, only to receive a few knocks from the man's cane.

    He then turned to observe who'd landed on him, but quickly averted his gaze.

    "Great Arceus!" he proclaimed. "Lad, are you naked?!"

    Billy, forgetting about that...minor detail, looked down at himself, then quickly became knocked kneed trying to cover it up.

    OMG! he thought. I can't believe this!! This is so embarrassing!

    Soon after though, Mickey and Shisa arrived at the scene, seeing Billy trying to hide himself with those two men holding him roughly.

    "Hey!" he called hopping off his Pokemon to recall it.

    Everyone turned to him, even Billy, who was slightly more delighted to see him despite everything that was happening.

    "And who are you?"

    "My apologies, mister." Mickey bowed as he approached the shortest man. These must be his bodyguards...but... He quickly shot looks at the one that remained behind him. They aren't too strict about keeping random company away from this guy. He must not be too important... "My name is Michael Kingsley. Pleasure to make your acquaintance...."

    "Hmph, charmed..." he replied sarcastically not returning Mickey's gesture. He turned quickly at Billy and shook his head in an unpleasant kind of disgust. "Do you know him, child?"

    Mickey turned to Billy as well, who waved using the hand he'd used to cover himself. Realizing this, Mickey turned away again and Billy quickly retracted it.

    "Yes, sir. That's my friend William. William Hasselbury."

    "Mmm, I see...You two must go by your surreal names then?" he asked after nodding.

    "Correct. I'm Mickey and he's Billy."

    Then, with another gesture towards Billy and the guards, he asked, "Care to explain to me why the boy is...*AHEM* naked at my festivities?"

    YOUR festivities? Mickey thought. Guy must be pretty important after all...

    As to not make the question drag out further, Billy scrambled for an answer.

    "Uhm, well you see--" he spoke, only to be cut off by another voice.

    "Hey! You two!" it said.

    Once again everyone turned, this time to see an police officer scrambling through the crowds to reach them.

    "Ugh! What now?!" the man yelled throwing his fists in the air.

    Finally the officer caught up to them.

    "Pardon me, Mayor Fox." he said saluting him as he spoke.

    "Woah, your the mayor of Sunyshore?!" Billy asked in amazement.

    Mickey was impressed too, he had no idea that this man had an influence like that, let alone the fact that his naked best friend just landed right on top of him and three lackeys.

    Mayor Fox nodded to the boys and then made a gesture that stopped the guards from holding Billy.

    "Uhm, sir?" the officer asked still saluting.

    "Yes? What is it?"

    He pulled his hand down. "Well, do you know these two boys? I've gotten multiple reports over the last few minutes that stated a naked boy that was regergitiated from an Ekans began running through the festival and an angry bystander began chasing him...."

    "They all say they've destroyed multiple attractions on thier way..."

    Everyone turned around to observe this so-called 'destruction' they'd left behind. Wooden signs knocked over, drink stands completely toppled and spilling product all over the side walk, and teddy bear stands that looked as if a big gust a wind knocked the ceiling right off...

    ...Oh, wait. That's right...

    Billy's heart sank. He just knew that any minute from now he and Mickey were going to be sent straight to prison. Mickey felt the same, but he didn't show his fright unlike his friend.

    Fox looked at the two boys long and hard, giving them glares. They both closed their eyes and prepared for the worst.

    Oh, no... whispered Billy.

    Here it comes... Mickey thought.

    The Mayor then turned to the guard, who was slowly reaching for his pair of handcuffs, but stopped when he raised his hand in protest.

    "...Don't worry about it..." he said, surprising them all.

    "Huh?" the officer said confused. "You sure?"

    He nodded. "Yea, it's fine. These two are some of my best attraction stars. They work for me."

    "Uh...boss?" the lackey behind him said trying to question him.

    "Tellem boys..."

    Mickey and Billy were dumbfounded. Why's this guy trying to protect them? They almost killed him, yet he's literally about to maybe risk his job placement by saving them?

    It made little sense to him, but Billy gratefully spoke first.

    "Oh, yea sure!" he clamored. "We've been with good 'ol Fox here for about two or three years now!"

    Mickey, still lost, decided to add on when Mr.Fox had given him and expectant nod and grin.

    "Uhm...ahem...Y-yeah. We're all just a big part of the attractions here..."

    The officer looked to object, but decided against it and relaxed his arm.

    "Well..." he said. "If you say so, sir..."

    "Yes, well. Paul!" Mr.Fox yelled to the guard on Billy's right.

    "Er...Yeah boss?"

    "Do call Clay and tell him to give us all a ride back to the mansion, will you?"

    With that 'Paul' hesitantly dialed out and called up someone on his cellphone; Paul was Billy's best guess.

    "Come with me boys, good work today..." Mr. Fox said as he prepared to walk to the limo that was pulling up.

    "Right away, sir!" Billy yelled running, no, sprinting to the car ahead.

    "...Yes...right way..." Mickey said as he walked up too.

    Before they'd known it they were off in the shiny black gold-plated limousine, and Billy began storming Mr. Fox with questions.

    "Sooo...Mr. Fox..." he started hoping he wasn't out of line for speaking or something. "Why did you...save us back there?"

    To this, Mr. Fox gave a loud unnerving chuckle.

    "Weren't you listening?" he asked as he tapped his cane on the car floor.

    They were lost even more now, so Mickey spoke. "We just don't understand is all, sir. We don't mean to insult you..."

    "No boy, it's no insult at all..." he said sipping on a drink he'd had in the cup holder. "What I said back there was true... You two are gonna be my best attraction stars...So that means... you both work for me!..."
    ___________________

    - End Of Chapter 2 -

    Part I
    ___________________

    Credit to
    SWORN METALHEAD
    for the sig!

  11. #11
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    All right, all right, this story line is getting weird, in a good way I mean, I'm sitting here just thinking oh my gosh what's going to happen!

    "What IS going on at my festival!?" someone yelled in a fit of anger.
    This is more of a nitpick than anything, but this is the way I read this sentence

    what iiiiisssssss going on at my festival!?

    I'm not sure if that's where you want the emphasis or not...but still...

    Also, description, this is where I believe you need the most work.

    When you gave us the description of Mr. Fox, yes it helped us form an image of him, but it was a rather boring image, this might not be a better example but this is how I might have written it.

    "WHAT is going on at my festival!" A plucky man in a tailored gray coat shouted. He pushed himself back on to his feet with two plump hands.
    Again, that's no way complete or that great, but that would have been they way I would have went to do that!

    Description to me, should be part of the storyline, if that makes sense, you don't have to take out time and write paragraphs upon paragraphs of description, just write it in as the story flows onward!

    Also, we're still lacking details on the Pokemon...

    A.) Though the nicknames are somewhat obvious, we still have no clue what species Garde and Maestro are, also, we haven't had enough description yet of what they are, so it leaves us somewhat lost.

    B.) Again, though as Pokemon fans we know who Arcanine and Dodrio are, we still would like them to be described to us as if we've never heard of them before in our lives. You can implement their descriptions in a way of story like manner such as...

    "Dodrio, um, Agility!" Billy yelled. The three small, brown heads on the bird Pokemon pulled closer together as it began to take off, quickly building speed, it seemed as if Billy were in about four different places at once.
    Again, not that great, but I feel like you get the idea.

    If you decide to start a PM List, add me to it! I want to keep reading this and watch it develop!

    ALSO: You did a good job for the most part on the battle portions, you didn't make it seem as if you were playing the video game and writing it down! And you don't use levels thank goodness!
    Insert Cool FanFic Banner Here.
    Maybe I should start writing one of those...

    Honestly, the hell if I know...

  12. #12
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    Quote Originally Posted by Legend of Lucario View Post
    All right, all right, this story line is getting weird, in a good way I mean, I'm sitting here just thinking oh my gosh what's going to happen!



    This is more of a nitpick than anything, but this is the way I read this sentence

    what iiiiisssssss going on at my festival!?

    I'm not sure if that's where you want the emphasis or not...but still...

    Also, description, this is where I believe you need the most work.

    When you gave us the description of Mr. Fox, yes it helped us form an image of him, but it was a rather boring image, this might not be a better example but this is how I might have written it.



    Again, that's no way complete or that great, but that would have been they way I would have went to do that!

    Description to me, should be part of the storyline, if that makes sense, you don't have to take out time and write paragraphs upon paragraphs of description, just write it in as the story flows onward!

    Also, we're still lacking details on the Pokemon...

    A.) Though the nicknames are somewhat obvious, we still have no clue what species Garde and Maestro are, also, we haven't had enough description yet of what they are, so it leaves us somewhat lost.

    B.) Again, though as Pokemon fans we know who Arcanine and Dodrio are, we still would like them to be described to us as if we've never heard of them before in our lives. You can implement their descriptions in a way of story like manner such as...



    Again, not that great, but I feel like you get the idea.

    If you decide to start a PM List, add me to it! I want to keep reading this and watch it develop!

    ALSO: You did a good job for the most part on the battle portions, you didn't make it seem as if you were playing the video game and writing it down! And you don't use levels thank goodness!
    The first part is true, yes I was capitalizing "IS" to make him stretch out the emphasis on the word. Glad you caught it.

    And I'm gonna TRY and start doing that, the whole "describing more and not creating a huge descriptive paragraph" thing, because that actually looks way better now that I'm looking at it.

    I just keep forgetting...well, should I say, I keep neglecting to describe the Pokemon more, because (and your right btw) I need to create the descriptions as if the readers aren't aware of the Pokemon's actual looks.

    I don't know if I want to do a PM list though... I did all those VM's and kinda found that easier.

    Credit to
    SWORN METALHEAD
    for the sig!

  13. #13
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    ^Don't worry about having troubles adapting to that style of description, I'm writing something as well and it just doesn't come naturally. You'll be pleased to know that I'm still interested in this story, though I do have a couple qualms about it. Why did he strip all the way down? If he was concerned about the trail of leaves, he dusted them off, right? And it doesn't seem likely he'd need to unclothe all the way down to fit into his Ekans suit (have you seen Kung Fu Panda 2, by any chance? It's slightly reminiscent of something in that). I also find Mr. Fox's immediate hiring of them a bit unrealistic (though I can see why he'd find them amusing), as well as the police just letting a nude kid get away just because the mayor said he was part of an attraction (wouldn't that concern the police?). If you want to see some good examples of description, see popular Fictions like Breezy's works, and Shadow Beauty (in the Completed Fictions Section). They should help. Good Luck!

  14. #14
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    Ok, so this fic seems interesting. I’m only review the prologue ATM, but will read the remaining chapters next. Also, I typing this up on word, and I’m not putting italics back on these quotes . . . sorry.

    Today, this one young boy realizes just how normal his days will get, seeing as his friend (who shall be named shortly) is about to have an very unexpected change of pace from here on in...
    *a.

    From my recollection, I think I remember the first half being told to me like this...
    It sounds a bit weird saying “I think I remember,” but that might just be me . . .

    ... "Seriously?" the incredulous voice of an young male asked. He fixed his red-framed glasses back onto his face to assure himself of what he was seeing.
    *a, for again :P

    "What, not good enough?" another boy asked back actually thinking that dignified a response.
    I think this sentence is long winded. I’d suggest a comma between “back” and “actually.”

    They both observed an pretty agitated Gardevoir, heavily dosed with pounds upon pounds of ridiculous colors of makeup.
    *a

    The first boy slapped his face and dragged his palm down the length of it, stretching the skin as far as he could as to hide his disgust and anger.

    "Billy," the first boy said as he grinded his teeth together. "I gave you my Pokemon under one condition. Do you remember what that was?"
    It sound a bit repetitive saying “the first boy” once again. You could just change it to “he” considering you’re still talking about the same person. In fact, you could possibly combine these two paragraphs if you wished.

    To this Billy raised his finger to his mouth; his trademark sign to show him being deep in thought.

    "Hmm...Something about..." Billy kept mumbling things such as this, trying to prolong the scolding he was going to receive from forgetting the one and only condition.
    Again, you could combine these paragraphs if you wished. I like how you’ve included one of Billy’s mannerisms, it’s a nice touch.

    "You forgot didn't you?" he asked.
    By using “he” you’re not making it clear who’s talking (well there are only two characters ATM, but still). I get that you’re saving from calling him Mickey until Billy says it himself, so maybe you could use a and adjective + pronoun for him, like “You forgot, didn’t you?” Billy’s agitated companion asked. or so on and so forth.

    "Two days ago, Billy..." Mickey started continuing to clean his Pokemon. "You told me that there was a Pokemon Contest in Veilstone City. Remember that?"
    It doesn’t make sense to say “started continuing,” maybe you could change it to “continued”

    Billy raised his hand again, then snapped.

    "Oh yeah, yeah..." he finally said. "I remember now! That lady came up to and handed me that piece of paper!"
    So these could be combined into one. Also, I suppose you meant “That lady came up to me” Alternately, I guess you could just drop “to”

    "Do 'ya see why I'm upset now?"
    I don’t think you need that apostrophe before “ya” because a letter’s not been missed out . . . well, unless I’m wrong. If so, then I apologize.

    Billy knew that Mickey was furious now, because usually 3 things happen when he is:

    1. He yells.
    2. He never breaks eye contact
    3. His British accent comes out clear as day
    I like the informality that you’re using with this list. Quite cool. On the other hand, 3 should be written as three.

    He tried his hardest to calm him down.

    "Okay," he said. "I know your upset, but what's the big deal? We still won!"
    It’s not very clear here who’s speaking, when you use he and him (though I guess it’s Billy calmin’ Mickey down). You should probably change that. In the second sentence, although it’s probably Billy, you should state that as well.


    Gender: ... o_o*!!
    I really LOVE what you’ve done here. It’s awesome!

    Garde took HIS position aswell, both ready to strike when commanded.
    As well is two words. Ugh, I hate words like “as well” and “in front.”

    The hallmark of Maestro's moveset was all thanks to a training regiment Mickey'd taught him earlier as an Kricketot.
    *a

    Billy however, had a special strategy on his own. He has an special training style of working in moves as quickly as possible then leading to a grand finale to top it all off.
    I assume you meant “of?”

    ...Running...Like Hell...
    lol

    So overall, I’m liking this story Billy and Mickey seem interesting enough . . . and I’m off to read the next chapter! And then I'll review again!
    ┓┏ 凵 =╱⊿┌┬┐

  15. #15
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    Okay. So THESE ^^ are the kind of comments I was aching for!

    Thanks SO much, Kit. You and Lucario have really helped me along with this fic! I appreciate all your feedback.

    Yes, while SOME people consider all your work "nit-picky", just know that I don't mind in the slightest, seeing as your actually HELPING me, and your not trying to tear my fic apart altogether.

    Chansey, thanks for your help too, although I wouldn't mind if you told me what you liked and didn't like about any of the Chapters as well. It's not going to be rude or anything, I just really enjoy the observations.

    To the rest of you: Thanks to you guys as well. because your actually giving me motivation to keep this fic going.
    So much so, that I'm about to post Chapter three up soon!

    ~Thanks everyone and please continue to read and comment!

    Credit to
    SWORN METALHEAD
    for the sig!

  16. #16
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    Default Chapter Three: The Not-So 'Fantastic' Mr. Fox Part II

    Chapter Three: The Not-So 'Fantastic' Mr. Fox
    Part II

    ... ... ...

    ...If I was never told of the events that lead Mr. Fox to hire these two boys,

    I would've spent quite some time coming up with ludicrous ideas and accusations, and pointing blame at people who more than likely deserved it...

    ...Whatever it was, it really proved to show that my 'lesson', that I so desperately needed to learn, came a little more later than sooner.

    Albeit to say that while it didn't strike everyone as the right thing to do, my better judgement told me otherwise...

    ...Saddening that mere children had to show me that...

    ... ... ...


    The car ride grew silent for a short while following Mr. Fox's shocking decree.

    Billy was actually the first one to speak, as Mickey's face began to turn color thinking about what they'd just gotten themselves into.

    "So...what do you you want to hire us for?"

    Mr. Fox turned to him rather quickly, giving him a slight chill up his spine, in turn...

    "It's taking my men quite some time to convince everyone at my festival that your little stunt was all a circus act, son." he said as he deposited his beverage back to the holder.

    Before he started talking again, he offered the boys a beverage from the slide-out cooler built into the arm rest. Both Billy and Mickey decided against it respectively, and Mr. Fox turned his attention to Mickey.

    "The people are put off. Not so much at you for doing it, but at me for letting it happen."

    "We're really sorry, sir." said Billy. "It's just that something sort of came up and--" he was cut short by Mr. Fox cutting in.

    "I'm well aware of what happened, son. My boys filled me in soon after I met you both." he pointed to a device stuck inside of his ear. "But I knew you two were runnin' 'round my streets soon as you came into the view of my cameras..."

    The grayish plastic the device was covered in made Mickey mistake it for a hearing aid when he'd first met him. Thinking about how long he'd known that they were inside the city made his heart sink even more as his face began to turn pale.

    "C-cameras?" Mickey finally said.

    Mr. Fox, his gaze never leaving Mickey's flushed expressions, had begun to explain his security measures to the two.

    "Sunyshore has a crime rate of a little under five percent boys..." he said stunning Billy with such a low number.

    "Know why that is?" The boys nodded. "It's because I take measure that few of the other officials in Sinnoh take; watchdogs, watchmen, policemen...and all those cameras you I had trained on you..."

    Mickey's fright was actually Billy's excitement. He was more than impressed at Sunyshore's Mayor, noted by his constant ooh's and ahh's.

    "Yep!" Mr. Fox said as his stubby body reclined in his seat to rest himself. His feet, which never touched the car floor once, began to sway as he spoke. "I've done a lot for this little town here..."

    "For security measures right?" Mickey asked as the car skipped over a lump in the road.

    Fox's eyes slightly quivered as they gave him a glare; the tension rose between the two as the situation got awkward. From Billy's position on the far right of the limo, he couldn't see their looks at one another. Mickey, however, was sitting right across from him, although he still didn't notice his smug looks.

    Fox hesitated, but then spoke again, "...I saw you when you came from the woods too," Mickey's face began to whiten again, just like Fox wanted. "You and that Gardevoir of yours seemed pretty upset..."

    Now Billy's face began to pale. How did he know all that even when they were still inside the woods? Surely he didn't have cameras that close-by. Did he?

    "...and your Kricketune, Maestro was it?" Fox continued. "It must have really wanted a shot at your friend here to run that fast!"

    He laughed to himself, feet still kicking with an unsettling demeanor.

    "Yes, yes...You two'll be excellent additions to my repertoire."

    Mr. Fox's Louisianian accent made his sentences more and more frustrating to listen to. He surely wasn't going to have happy employees if they actually were going to consider working for this man.

    ..And why'd he dodge my question about all the cameras being for security? Mickey thought, eyes squinted at the pudgy mass across from him.

    "...What exactly do we have to do?" Billy asked. "...To fit into your...'repertoire'?"

    "Nothing too fancy, I assure you." he replied. "I'll have some of the others explain your work to you when we arrive at the mansion." Now Billy was happy again. "For now, relax. You got away from the SPD (Sunyshore Police Department) Scott-free and your riding in'a limousine for Pete's sake!"

    For Billy, this was all good news, and Mr. Fox was starting to get on his good side now. He'd forgotten all about the shady positions of some of his cameras and watch-crew members. What's more was that he'd be able to meet some new co-workers, and who doesn't like meeting new people?

    For Mickey however, the whole thing smelled sour and too sugar-coated. The fact that he didn't get all the answers he wanted, despite the fact that he never really asked much, was starting to unnerve him even more. He was just grateful that yes, they both did manage to escape the cops hands, and yes, that was thanks to Mr. Fox.

    The color was coming back to his face and, according to how happily Billy was staring out the window, it was such a nice day out today. He decided to quell some of his worries and join him by looking outside too.

    Maybe I'm worrying for nothing... Mickey thought as he affixed himself to be across form Billy. It's probably just how fast everything's going...Yeah, that's probably it.

    The car turned to the right after the streetlight changed, and they finally got a view of the massive skyscrapers and towers of the city stream.

    Sunyshore was a place not too incomparable to Tokyo in Japan. Giant plasma screens stamped on the sides of towers, flashing lights of shop signs even in daylight. The over flow of people passing along with their Pokemon on the sidewalks gave it the nostalgic feel as well.

    Taking it all in was easy for Billy and his more playful, outdoorsy ways; but Mickey's more pessimistic and careful nature, it just wasn't settling the butterflies in his stomach. He felt half-tempted to turn back to Mr. Fox and he if he still had the mysteriously smug look on his face, just to see if worrying was the proper reaction for the whole situation.

    The limousine began to slow down though, and when Mr. Fox finally said "We're here!", Mickey finally decided against it.

    Billy ran out first, more than likely neglecting to realize he should probably be more shy about being seen. Mr. Fox got out next, after one of the bodyguards opened his door to exit.

    Again, Mickey thought to himself how he'd allow bodygaurds to do everything except guard the mayor of Sunyshore. Then he finally stepped out, only to knock face first into Billy's cheek...

    Yes, THAT cheek...

    Just when he'd thought his face was done phasing through the colors of the rainbow, his face turnt a dark green at the top, an obvious sign of his profound disgust.

    "Blech!" Mickey spat to keep the vomit down. "Billy! Why'd you stop in front of the car like that!?--"

    Billy ignored Mickey's invasion of space and held his arm out to gesture his silence. "Look..." was all he said before letting it fall limply to his side again.

    Finally stepping all the way out of the limo, he stood upright and glanced ahead while yelling. "Well, what could be so important that--?" he cut himself off in shock.

    At the end of a long uphill trail, stood a tall, highly endearing mansion. The same mansion that they'd past before even entering the festival...



    Mr. Fox took their silence as a compliment to his tastes. Happily he laughed, "Impressive isn't it? My grandaddy made me this house when I was a little child. Finally gave me the rights to it when I became the Mayor of this city..."

    He dropped his hat to his chest and bowed his head as he walked to their side.

    "God bless his soul..."

    His bodyguards heads were lowered in respect as well, but Mickey and Billy's were stuck staring at the house they'd arrived at.

    "...Well don't just stare at it!" Fox said. "Come on, I'll give you the grand tour!"

    With that, Fox walked along the path, guards in tow. Then Billy and Mickey followed respectively. As they walked, Billy heard Mickey making rustling noises behind him.

    "Here." Mickey said.

    Outstretched in his hand was his favorite red jacket. Even though he was still technically steamed at him, Mickey couldn't let Billy walk around naked like that anymore. He slightly cursed himself thinking that the little mishap that happened when they left the car might happen to someone else.

    "Your...your jacket?" Billy asked shocked at the gesture.

    "Just take it..." he replied. "And don't say I never did you any favors..."

    Unnecessarily, Billy's eyes welled with a few tears. "Aww! Thanks, buddy!" he yelled attempting to hug Mickey, who rejected it.

    "Please!" he yelled. "Just put the jacket on!"

    He slipped his arm through a sleeve as he spoke. "I guess you forgive me now, huh?"

    Mickey simply walked ahead as Billy buttoned the jacket up, finally getting it on.

    "Mickey?" he called as he walked off. "Mickey?! Ah, come one! You can't still be mad?"

    Mr. Fox and the group finally reached the gold-plated double-doors of the mansion, which he opened with a key he'd pulled out of his pocket. With a click the doors slowly moved open, and the boys observed the inside in awe.

    "Look at those steps!" billy yelled stepping past the threshold. "Is that like velvet or something?!"

    Mr. Fox stared at the red glistening steps proudly as he responded, "Yessir! I needed something to pop with the gold railings there, you see. So I had the boys here put those in about a month ago."

    Everyone walked in by Mr. Fox's gesture. Then, as if on cue from the house or something, someone walked out from the left of the house.

    She lit up the room as she walked. And the light from the sunroof shone brightly on her short blonde hair. Her eyes were closed as she was eating an ice cream cone, and she was bobbing to the beat of an familiar song.

    Billy was starstruck. "Is..that...who I think it is?" he asked his arm shaking as he pointed.

    Mickey followed his direction towards the desired target, then felt confused as he observed the yellow-clad maiden in the light.

    "Ah, Elesa!" Mr. Fox yelled gesturing the lady towards them.

    She barley even noticed them. She lifted her hands to her blonde bob cut and turned a knob on her rather odd set of headphones. What was more peculiar was the Pokemon she'd had them attached to.

    "What is that?" Mickey asked as he pulled out his Pokedex.

    Klinklang, The Gear Pokemon

    It's pre-evolved from is actually the same height as Klinklang. The only major differences being the special core that stores it's Electric powers, and the spiked rim that directs them. Most people use this Pokemon as a power source for many home appliances due to the many series of plugs Klinklang possesses.
    Despite popular belief, Klinklang is a pure Steel-Type.

    "Wow, never seen that before..." Mickey said as he watched them both come over.

    Elesa rudely rolled her eyes at Mickey as she walked up and Billy stuck close behind her and Klinklang. "That's because it's not from Sinnoh, obviously..."

    Fox laughed as he patted Mickey on the back. "This is Mickey. He's gonna be working with you all from now on."

    Elesa didn't look at Mickey to acknowledge him, she just motioned to her left towards Klinklang. "And this is Trap, my Pokemon."

    Finally, she turned at Mickey. "...Any more unimportant news, boys?"

    Mickey's eyes glared back at her, but Elesa kept her cool and stoic appearance as she continued to eat her Vanilla ice cream. She's gonna be a joy to work with... Mickey thought sourly.

    Contused as he searched around, Mr. Fox looked around the room. "Say," he said, eyebrows raised. "Where's the other one...Er, Billy?"

    Elesa looked back at Mr. Fox. "You mean him?" Elesa asked as she pointed back past Trap.

    Everyone saw Billy standing close behind her with sparkles in his eyes. "You're Elesa!" he said, voice quivering as he spoke. "You're the Gym Leader from Nimbasa City!"

    With no response, she licked another bit off of her cone and stared at Billy's light blue eyes. "Your eyes..." she said, mysteriously eating her dessert faster. Billy sighed heavily as she acknowledged him. "They're cute..."

    Billy almost passed out from the excitement. He'd almost thought he was dreaming, which would have been a pretty accurate description of most of the events today.

    "Y-you...think my eyes are...'cute'?" he asked.

    Elesa nodded as Mr. Fox and Mickey looked shocked at the scene before them.

    "Well," he said looking up at the relatively taller Mickey. "she doesn't normally do that..."

    "Really?" Mickey sarcastically replied.

    "Blue's my favorite color..." she said softly. She observed Billy slightly and was suddenly taken aback. "Is he...Are you...naked?"

    "UH!" Billy froze as he remembered that detail. "Oh, uhm...well you see--"

    "I'll explain all that later, 'Liza." Fox said. "For now, why don't you get these boys a change of clothes and show them around?"

    Elesa turned in protest, "Why can't you?" she asked.

    Mr. Fox's brow furrowed and the shade from his that hid his eyes made him look more ominous. "...Elesa...?" he said watching her stoically.

    A drop of ice cream hit the vinyl floors of the mansion as Elesa caught on. "Yeah, sure..." she replied. "Right away..."

    The tension went up and shot back down automatically. Mickey could somehow feel it, and it wasn't a pleasant feeling. After seeing her sudden change-of-heart, Mickey tagged along towards, the right of everyone, where Elesa was going to take them to the next room. Mr. Fox and the bodyguards all went upstairs and followed the second set of stairs to the left.

    Mickey caught eyes with him before he passed by the corridor, and quickly averted his gaze when their eyes met. Billy was too stuck behind his idolized Gym Leader to focus on anything else, so Mickey caught up and entered the room quietly...

    ___________________

    - End Of Chapter 3 -

    Part II
    ___________________
    Last edited by bookauthor1123; 10th June 2011 at 4:42 PM.

    Credit to
    SWORN METALHEAD
    for the sig!

  17. #17
    Join Date
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    Post Chapter Four: vs. Elesa

    Chapter Four: vs. Elesa

    ... ... ...

    ...I have to admit it, even though I didn't want to at first, the boys have a knack for battling...

    ...That must have came from battling at so many contests...

    It sure did put Elesa in a less-then-good mood...

    ...Sigh...

    ...No one likes a sore loser, Elesa...

    ... ... ...

    After Elesa brought them into a room where she'd given them a change of clothes, she began the grand tour of the Mayor's mansion.

    Under the light of the well lit room, the sparkled suit that Mr. Fox had left out for the boys to wear shone brightly. Billy's was blue, by Elesa's request, while Mickey's was the same, just red in the spots where Billy's was.

    The pants of the suit was white, along with most of the jacket, except the shoulders were where the color was added. and the back had a colored Pokeball symbol on it.

    It wasn't exactly the best change of clothes, but Mickey was sure he'd hear no complaints from Billy, seeing that his alternative choice of a suit would be the same from his first birthday...

    Even though the fact of the boys being in the very house they'd been told to keep caution of still lingered in the air, Billy and Mickey decided to enjoy themselves nonetheless.

    They had good reason, too. The house was amazing. theatre room, bowling alley, indoor pool, a personal gym (yet Mr. Fox still retained so much weight), and it even had it's own recording studio.

    "I sometimes come here to jam every once in a while..." Elesa told them.

    "Wow," Billy said once again as Elesa spoke.

    He'd been doing this for the past hour. The same exact word every time Elesa said something about the house. It irritated Mickey, but Elesa didn't seemed to take notice, probably because her favorite playlist of music was sounding off throught the tour.

    Most of Mickey's time was spent silently listening along with the songs as well; some of his favorites were randomly placed inside of it, so Elesa began to grow on him due to her tastes in music.

    They all walked down one more long stretch of hallway, which Elesa described to them as just a few more bedrooms, then they all walked down a flight of stairs. Ironically, they all ended up right back where they started, the main hall of the mansion.

    One of Elesa's songs just ended as she spoke, "Wait, let me replay this...I love this song." She pulled out a small device from her black pants and pressed something on its touch-screen. The song restarted like she'd wanted and she motioned them down the last part of stairs. "Come on, let's go through there next..."

    They all went down and walked towards the next room. As soon as they stepped in the dark filled part, lights quickly snapped on, blinding them.

    Well, all except Elesa, who covered her eyes with her arm way before they'd entered.

    She saw the boys writhing in pain, then snapped her fingers and said, "Oh, shoot I forgot: shield your eyes, this room can get bright..."

    "Gee, thanks..." an sarcastic Mickey sadi as he rubbed the color back into his eyes.

    "...Wow..." Billy said once more, eyes never even moving away from Elesa.

    Mickey looked up from the ground and saw Elesa walking further away. She and Trap were almost halfway across from them before he'd called after them.

    "Where are you going?!" he yelled.

    "Just stay over there!" she yelled back to him. Billy almost halfway ran after her, but Mickey pulled him back.

    When they could both see again, they were amazed. They'd been led into an Pokemon Training Arena. And it was huge.

    For the first time, Billy's dialogue was actually needed, "...Wow...."

    "Impressive, huh?" Elesa said as she tossed a Pokeball in her hand. "Yea, Old Man Fox built this whole thing for us all to practice in from time to time. It keeps us all from getting rusty, you know?"

    "It's amazing..." Mickey replied.

    "So, how 'bout a battle?" she asked, eyebrows raised expectantly.

    Mickey jumped at the chance. "Sure! I'll take you on--"

    "No..." Billy interrupted as he ran to the opposing end of the arena.

    "Hey!" Mickey yelled seeing him take his place.

    "Come on, Mickey please?" he begged. "You have to let me do this! It's been my dream to battle with Elesa, let alone meet her!"

    It took him a second, but Mickey didn't object. "Fine!" he yelled as he sat in the bleachers close-by. "But I call next!"

    "Sure thing, kid." Elesa said with a smirk. "I think I'll make this a 2-on-2 battle, that should be fun!"

    She walked off the arena towards the wall behind her. Unplugging the cords from Klinklang, she said, "Excuse me for a second this is just something I do every battle..."

    She plugged both cords into holes in the wall, then fired on a switch on the panel next to it. Then, she pulled down the head phones to her neck and pressed a small button on the right speaker, making the cords stretch out and go for a longer distance.

    Seconds later, music began to play through megaphones above the stadium and a video screen lowered it self in front of the bleachers on both sides of the arena. Lastly, a video screen lowered from above, but the ceiling was high enough where even most Flying-type attacks wouldn't hit it.

    "Sorry, I like to battle with music...if that's okay?" she asked gesturing to Billy with an soft smile.

    Music must calm her down, huh?
    Mickey thought to himself as he gave Elesa confused looks.

    It was an easy guess who responded with "Wow"...

    Elesa giggled cutely, as if a whole other person had taken over. "I'll take that as an yes! Go, Emolga!"

    With an hard toss into the air, Elesa called out her Pokemon in an white flash of light.

    "What is that?" Billy and Mickey both said as Billy pulled out his Pokedex.

    Emolga, The Sky Squirrel Pokemon

    The yellow sacs on it's cheeks store it's Electric power, not unlike Pichu or Pikachu from other regions. The electricity is said to escape when it is flying due to most Emolga not being able to multitask the control of the flow of energy and safely gliding in the air.

    It has the ability to fly due to the cape-like drapery coming from it's back.
    It's long opened ears give Emolga superb hearing capabilities and is said to hear better at night when they're gliding through the air.

    "Wow!" Billy yelled making Mickey's eyes roll. "Pokemon from Unova are so COOL!"

    He happily hugged his Pokedex, more than likely thinking it was Elesa, before Mickey yelled to snap him out his trance.

    "Billy, your Pokemon!" he said.

    "Oh! Yeah, I forgot!" he laughed as he went through his bag.

    "Ah!" Billy yelled. "Here he is! Now go, Empoleon!"

    As the blue parts of his suit began to glisten under the light, his fully evolved Empoleon emerged from it's Pokeball.

    "Huh?" Mickey and Elesa said in confusion as they observed the giant blue penguin.

    "Why'd you choose a Water-type?" she asked.

    "WOW!" Billy yelled as his heartbeat increased.

    "Okay, I guess that's what your going with!" she laughed. "Emolga, Static Strings!"

    On command, Emolga flew into the air with a loop, her small, stubby fingers turning a bright yellow.

    Mickey called out to Billy, who was still entranced by his idolization. "Billy, Emolga's an Electric-Type! You have to give Empoleon an command!"

    Billy didn't listen, he simply stared across the arena towards Elesa. Meanwhile, Emolga's cheeks began to spark, then her fingers turned into streams of electricity, spreading all across the arena. The streams jumped up from the rocky ground and bounced their way over to Empoleon, who nervously watched as they got closer.

    "Alright! Go for it, Emolga!" Elesa yelled as the streams began to make contact.

    Empoleon closed his eyes tight and shielded himself with his blade like arms, but he felt nothing but a warm jump as the sparks flew over him.

    Mickey and Empoleon looked shocked, no pun intended, when the attack past by him and stuck around the arena like a large net. He unfolded and looked around.

    "Surprised?" Elesa giggled looking around at the sparks jumping around the field. "Static Strings isn't exactly an attack of sorts, but it does give the opponent a pretty decent reminder that they can't switch out." She sighed and shrugged as she finished. "Only downside though is that it'll go away once I use another Electric type attack..."

    "Wow..." Billy responded.

    "You must be warming up or something, Billy?" Elesa asked with the same smile. "Emolga, use Quick Attack!"

    From the air, Emolga sped off towards Emperor, a white stream forming as it broke the air in two from its speed. "EMOLLLLLLLL!!!" she yelled as she swooped closer by the second.

    "Billy, come one! What are you doing?! You have to give Empoleon a command before Elesa takes him down!" Mickey yelled out cuffing his hands around his mouth.

    Still nothing but another "Wow" from Billy.

    In an instant, Emolga smacked into Empoleon, and he flew back due to its massive power. To recollect from the recoil, Emolga swooped in the air, then flew back to Elesa's side. Emperor easily stood itself up, but still had a few small scratches from the head-on attack.

    "I sure hope your Empoleon's okay?" Elesa said as she let Emolga land on her arm.

    "... ... ..." Billy just stood there and actually said nothing this time, so Elesa thought-- "WOW!"

    Oh, well never mind.

    "...I should probably wrap this up..." she said. "You think so Emolga?"

    Her Pokemon nodded in agreement, so she gave it the last command. "Okay! Use, Zap Line!"

    Emolga flew off her Trainers arm and swooped around towards Emperor. Her cheeks began to spark up and her body appeared to get smaller.

    "Normally," Elesa started. "This attack is just a super fast form of Volt Tackle or Quick Attack."

    The sparks around the arena from the electricity that surrounded it began to encase itself around Emolga, who in turn disappeared in a flash of light, and popped back up behind Empoleon.

    He stood with a frozen look of pain on his face, while Emolga didn't turn to face him, and stood with a look of pride. In an other second or so, thousands of volts of electricity phased through Empoleon's body, and it screamed in pain.

    Elesa then continued with a giggle as she watched Empoleon fall in defeat, "But when an Electric attack like Zap Line is supercharged with the affects of the Static Strings, it's an automatic powerhouse attack on Pokemon like Empoleon!"

    "...Wow..." Billy repeated as he returned Empoleon to his Pokeball.

    Elesa looked more confused now than ever as Billy stared at her even while placing his Pokemon back in his light blue bag.

    "Pathetic..." a voice from behind Mickey lamented.

    Huh? Mickey thought. Who said that?

    He turned around from his seat in the bleachers to see an rather old man staring back at him. Their eyes quickly met and Mickey felt odd to breathe the air that he was putting off. He recognized it from an earlier time in his life; and, when it came back to him who the man was, his mouth slightly opened.

    "Hey..." Mickey said in a voice similar to the awe-struck Billy. "I recognize you... your--"

    The older man cut him off. "Juan" he said. "My name is Juan."

    "Yeah, I know..." Mickey replied as he reached into his jacket pocket. "Your the Gym Leader from Sootopolis City."

    Juan watched as he pulled it open, and was shocked to see the six Sinnoh badges he had already acquired. He then pulled a slab up from inside of the blue velveteen case, and it showed a full set of badges from Hoenn too.

    Mickey turned back to him and held up the badges as he spoke. "I battled you when I was in school last semester and won the Rain Badge from you." he said pointing to the aforementioned badge. "It wasn't easy...your Milotic almost destroyed me, but--"

    "You...defeated me with your Roserade." Juan said again with a flushed and spooked expression.

    Happily, Mickey pulled out a Pokeball from his belt. "Yep!" he laughed as he waved it towards Juan. "So you remember Scout and I, huh?"

    Juan noticed that Mickey hadn't noticed his looks while he spoke, so Juan quickly changed to his stoic and clam demeanor.

    Ahem. he coughed. "Yes, well how are you then monsieur?" he asked in an French accent. "I see you still haven't managed to keep proper company..."

    Mickey turned back to the stadium, furious at Juan for his quips at Billy.

    "Maybe you should let Mickey have a go, Billy?" she said. "I mean if your not up to it at he moment, then I'd be happy to--"

    "OW!" Billy yelled interrupting Elesa.

    She looked on the ground and saw a third white shoe beside Billy's two. She turned into the stands on her far right and saw Mickey just getting out of a throwing position.

    "Snap out of it, you blubberin' 'twit!" he yelled shaking his fist angrily. Billy stared at him as he massaged his head. "Your in a battle, you know?! SO ACT LIKE IT!"

    That really hurt! Billy thought continuing to rub his skull. Huh? ...What's going on? What am I doing up here? He looked across the brightly lit room that the dance music filled through, and saw Elesa on the other end.

    Am I battling her?! ... This has to be some weird dream... Then it all started to come back to him. Oh! That's right! I AM battling her! He scrambled around in his bag, and Mickey smiled hoping that he'd finally gotten through to his best friend.

    Well, if it's a battle... Billy thought as he pulled out Empoleon's Pokeball. Then I'm gonna give it my all! ...Oh, wait that's right...Empoleon's finished... He looked over at Emolga expectantly flying around her Trainer and giggled.

    "Unova's Pokemon are still so cool!" he yelled searching for another Pokemon. "It's okay, Mickey. I'm back, and I'm gonna win this battle no matter what!"

    Elesa smiled as Mickey began to cheer him on. "About time you bloody twit! Now go and getter!" he screamed throwing his fists into the air. Juan past by him to take the seat on his left, then affixed himself in it to watch the fight continue.

    "Okay, let's see..." Billy said to himself as he searched for another Pokeball. "Yep, here we go!" He gave the Pokeball a toss into the sky.

    "Okay, get ready, Emolga." Elesa said as he got into position.

    Emolga nodded and flew into the air as well.

    "Let's go, Glaceon!" Billy yelled as his Pokeball lit up.

    Billy's Pokemon jumped to the ground and pounced around playfully as she eyeballed her opponent.

    "An Ice-Type, eh?" Elesa said with a nod as she watched the icy blue feline dance around. "Well, I do like a challenge. Emolga, use Static String, once more!"

    And just like before Emolga flew up a little above the arena as the music was drowned out by the strong sounds of the shocks her cheeks produced. Her fingers began to flow with the electricity, and started to set the perimeter around them.

    "Don't let that happen, Glaceon!" Billy called pointing to the sparks bouncing off Emolga's tiny fingers. "Use Quick Attack!"

    Glaceon sprinted off, the trail of white quickly accompanying the attack. She panted her name with each step she took, pacing herself to jump up and attack Emolga.

    Elesa saw how close Glaceon was getting, and quickly had to call off the charge. "Emolga, dodge it and use Acrobatics!"

    Emolga stopped the attack, the sparks just about to spread from her fingertips, and attempted to watch for Glaceon's movements, so she'd know when to duck or sway.

    But the icy body of Glaceon was too fast to keep track of. In a flash of white, she slammed into Emolga, and she fell hard on the rocky ground below.

    "Wow, your Pokemon is pretty fast!" Elesa noted only seeing Glaceon's dark blue tail as she landed on all-fours. She slightly turned to observe Emolga. "You okay over there?"

    Emolga got up just as quickly as Empoleon did, but still had a scratch from where Glaceon slammed into her.

    "Okay then. Acrobatics, one more time!" she yelled.

    This time Emolga didn't fly up. She glided just a little above the ground to keep herself leveled with Glaceon.

    "Alright Glaceon, here's our chance!" Billy said watching Emolga closely. He let her get a little bit closer as his feline friend chilled the air around her, something Glaceon tends to do when she's really focused on something. "Okay! Go, use Quick Attack again!"

    "GLACE-EON!" Glaceon yelled as she sprinted off again.

    The run wasn't long due to Billy's impeccable timing. The black caped squirrel and the icy blue feline were about to collide in mere seconds.
    Emolga however, stopped flying abruptly and let Glaceon zoom past her. Emolga quickly yanked her by the tail though, and gave her a quick jab to the back, before using her own momentum against her and launching her further down the arena with an skillful kick.

    Glaceon rolled forward, popping up whenever she'd hit a sharp rock or a pebble above ground. The recoil made her stop halfway before she'd reached the middle of the arena.

    "Ah! Oh, no! Are you okay Glaceon!?" Billy yelled in worry. Luckily, the nimble attack from Emolga didn't do much damage, and she stood up soon after. "Alright, good job! Now try and hittem with Frostbite!"

    Glaceon turned around instantly to lock her gaze on Emolga, who was standing in an boastful position, mocking her intentions with a small giggle. Angrily, Glaceon sped off and slammed into her side side again, the attack slightly chilling her cape with chunks of ice.

    Billy watched happily as the swift attack from Glaceon sent Emolga flying back his way and rolling to his feet like Glaceon did earlier.

    "Ha!" he scoffed. "How do ya like THAT!?" Billy looked at Emolga's winged membrane and noticed the blue residue sticking to it from the chill of Glaceon's move. "Looks like Frostbite's affects are starting to kick in too!"

    "Hmm...that's not a bad combination..." Juan said as he observed the battle.

    Mickey was impressed too, as he's been on the end of that series of attacks before.

    "Glaceon rams into her opponents with Quick Attack, weakening it an precise point, then goes in with Frostbite and softens it up more..." Juan shivered as he spoke. "It's quite an excellent strategy I must say..."

    The song above changed for the third time during the entire match, meaning that the whole thing must have been at least 12 minutes from Elesa's timing. Emolga struggled to fly back up and face Glaceon, because the thick chips of ice were weighing her down slightly.

    "Looks like it's working, Glaceon!" Billy said happily. "Now lets keep it up! Frostbite once more!"

    Glaceon sprang off again as Emolga struggled to maintain her composure in the air. Elesa noticed this and knew she had to do something. "Emolga, use Double Team!" she yelled.

    "Mooolll-GA!" she yelled as her body morphed into different copies around the field.

    "Don't slow down, Glaceon! Look around for the slowest copy!" Billy ordered.

    Glaceon continued to run around, with the blistering cold chill wrapping constantly around her body. All the copies of Emolga each had one thing in common in that they all sort of glitched every now and again.

    She went around the field one more time until she noticed the one copy that slightly went out of order. Billy noticed it too and called out the order, "There she is, Glaceon! Now go get her!"

    Glaceon hopped into the air to prepare to jump into Emolga. Out of fright Emolga accidentally made her clones go away, revealing that the one they were aiming for, was indeed the real one. With no hesitation the attack slammed into Emolga dead on, and they both fell to the earth in a cloud of brown dust and sparkly blue ice shards.

    When it began to clear and the silhouette of Glaceon and Emolga phased, you could see that Glaceon was triumphant. Even going as far to stand one foot on her to declare the victory.

    "Wooo! Way to go, Billy!" an impressed Mickey yelled from the stands.

    Billy embarrassingly waved in thanks, just coming out of the trance he gets in when he's focused on a match.

    Sadly, Elesa recalled her Pokemon in the red beam of light. "You did great, Emolga. You take a nice long rest, okay?" she said coveting the Pokeball in her hands.

    "That was a great battle, you two!" Billy said finally in a normal tone.

    Elesa nodded and smiled back at him. "Yea, it was!" She pulled another Pokeball from her belt and bounced it in her hands. "...But it's not over yet!"

    ___________________
    ________________
    - End Of Chapter 4 -

    ___________________
    Last edited by bookauthor1123; 10th June 2011 at 4:47 PM.

    Credit to
    SWORN METALHEAD
    for the sig!

  18. #18
    Join Date
    Mar 2011
    Location
    Flying by Night
    Posts
    118

    Default

    Hello . I love what I see so far. I also love that Billy finally got some clothes lol.

    Anyways, your story is really good. Are you making up some of the moves? They're pretty creative and I would recommend them to be in the 6th generation.

    I did notice a few errors. One of the biggest I saw was that you would say "Come One", not "Come On". Now unless you were trying to bring out Mickey's British accent, it's not right. But I'm not British so I wouldn't know.

    Other than that you're doing a great job. Don't stop.

    Credit goes to Lucina Archaelis

  19. #19
    Join Date
    Mar 2007
    Location
    Travelling the Unova Region
    Posts
    245

    Default

    "Know why that is?" The boys nodded. "It's because I take measure that few of the other officials in Sinnoh take; watchdogs, watchmen, policemen...and all those cameras you I had trained on you..."
    I might be stupid but something about that just sounds weird to me...

    Billy ignored Mickey's invasion of spaced
    space, maybe

    He dropped his hat to his chest and bowed his head as he walked to their side.
    "God bless his soul..."
    I feel like if you double spaced that it'd give a fantastic effect, kind of like an "Aw..." feeling.

    "Here." Mickey said.
    Bolded the correction in that one

    "Is..that...who I think itis?"
    it is, unless he's supposed to be talking fast, and if so *gets shot*

    "That's because it's not from this Region, obviously..."
    region, lower cased, now if you were to say "That's because it's from Unova!" Then you'd capitalize it but region should remain lower cased.

    Your Elesa!" he said, voice quivering as he spoke. "Your the Gym Leader from Nimbasa City!"
    You're, in both sentences.

    idolized Gym Leader
    Since gym leader isn't a proper noun, you would leave it lower cased, unless of course people refer to her as gym leader like this...

    "Hey, um, Gym Leader, when are we going to start this battle?"

    Or something along the lines of that

    One of elesa's songs just ended as she spoke,
    Elesa

    high enough were even most Flying-type attacks wouldn't hit it.
    Where

    their way over to Emperor,
    Empoleon, unless that's a nickname, but even so it was never established so it's somewhat confusing...

    "Yea, I know..."
    Yea = Yay, I don't know if you know that, yeah is what you are looking for!

    Okay, story wise, so I am definitely liking it, but the one thing that I don't get is why Elesa is there in the first place, and Juan? I know these are things that will probably be explained later on in the story but still, it's just a question...But I am liking this, and thank you for the VM to let me know when you post things!
    Last edited by Legend of Lucario; 10th June 2011 at 3:28 PM.
    Insert Cool FanFic Banner Here.
    Maybe I should start writing one of those...

    Honestly, the hell if I know...

  20. #20
    Join Date
    Oct 2009
    Location
    Cali 8]
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    Post Chapter Five: Every Fox Had A Tail...

    Chapter Five: Every Fox Had A Tail...

    ... ... ...

    ...And so it somewhat begins...
    ..Sigh...

    ...Those poor boys...

    ...I couldn't sit idly by and let Mr. Fox corrupt their youth right therein front of me...

    ... ... ...

    As it stands, no;
    I'm in no position to tell them what's right or what's wrong...

    I am, however, in a position that would help them figure it out for themselves...

    ...This is where the whole thing truly started...

    And if someone were to have truthfully told them of their new job positions...

    I'd bet my life then and there that they both would have said no and walked away...

    ...No matter what the consequence...

    ... ... ...

    Elesa gave her Pokeball one final bounce in her hand before walking back to the panel on the wall and shutting it off.

    "I think this last battle will do better with the noise." she said as she walked back.

    She walked over, this time without all the smiles and laughs, but with anger and frustration. Music must really have that affect on her, or at least that's what Mickey was lead to believe. Elesa rolled her cords back to their regular length, then plugged the ends back into Klinklang, who hovered close behind her.

    "Go, Zebstrika!" she yelled tossing her Pokeball up.

    "Hmm, so she's using him after all..." Juan said with a little impressionism in his voice.

    Wonder what he means by that? Mickey thought as he sat back and continued to observe the match.

    Zebstrika, The Thundering Zebra Pokemon
    and the evolved form of Blitzle.
    Zebstrika are full of explosive power and are comparable to a flash of lightning. Flashes of lightning can be seen protruding from its mane when it is angered
    .

    "Hmm, so it's clearly an Electric-type..."" Billy said as he closed his Pokedex.

    The zebra-like Pokemon rubbed the ground with his hooves and snorted air from its nostrils, a few small sparks popping out when he did.

    "Glaceon, be on your toes with this one... We aren't sure what we're dealing with..."

    Glaceon nodded in response and awaited an order from Billy, but her Trainer was waiting for a move from Elesa and her Unovan Pokemon, to see what it was capable of.

    "Hmph!" Elesa scoffed. "Waiting on me isn't going to help you much, kid! Zebstrika, we're gonna start things off slow! Use Zap Line!"

    Zebstrika nodded and began to neigh as his white stripes began to glow yellow in color. He trampled off with incredible force; you could feel his footsteps, even in the stands.

    I think I know how to get out of this... Billy thought watching Zebstrika get close and brighter. ...but...what if it doesn't work?

    He bucked up and decided to throw caution to the wind. "Okay, Glaceon! Use Quick Attack to jump into the air!"

    In a flash, Glaceon quickly 'flew' high into the sky as Zebstrika phased into a small line of electricity and then phased a little further away towards Billy's position.

    "What?!" Elesa yelled in shock.

    "Yes...Very impressive, that boy." Juan complimented, making Mickey give a smug look of happiness. "I've never seen anyone stop Elesa's Zap Line combination and have the same Pokemon sitting out in front of her..." he turned to Mickey and smiled. "Maybe I was wrong about your friend after all?"

    While still in the air, Billy continued his combination. "Now! Use Icy Wind!"

    Glaceon chilled the air around her and used the cold temperature to conjure up an icy cool breath that hit Zebstrika right in the back, leaving a few shards of ice at the point.

    "Now, come down and use Bite!" Billy yelled continuing the onslaught.

    Glaceon opened her mouth wide and let her sharp fangs sink into her opponents side. Zebstrika then yelled out in pain.

    "Zebstrika, use Zap Line and get out of there!" Elesa commanded. But Zebstrika wouldn't listen, his face writhing in pain from the attack.

    "Oh, no! It flinched!"

    "Perfect! Glaceon, keep it up! Icy Wind, again!"

    Glaceon released the attack from Zebstrika's left side, and proceeded to pelt him in the face with another cold chilled blast. Zebstrika stumbled back, then fell to the ground, banged up pretty badly. Glaceon ran back a few steps to maintain a good distance, then lowered her guard thinking that the match was over.

    "Get up, Zebstrika! We're not finished yet!" Elesa yelled encouraging her Pokemon. Zebstrika slowly rose soon after, then wobbly stood himself on all fours again, awaiting orders with a pained look on his face. "Way to push in there, Zebstrika! Now, use Ignition!"

    Zebstrika made a vibratory noise with his mouth that caused sparks to fly up on the two lightning bolt feelers on his head. He began to scrape the ground with his foot again, and his eyes turned over to a bright yellow-sparks beginning to shoot around in them as well.

    "Huh?" Billy said scratching his head as Zebstrika only stood with the electricity flowing through it. "What kind of an attack is Ignition? You didn't even hit us..."

    Elesa smirked darkly. "Ignition is one of the Power-up moves that certain Pokemon can either learn or be taught at any point in their lives. There's Ignite for Fire-types, Fertilize for Grass-types, and Ignition for Electric-types...And it basically powers up all of Zebstrika's Electric attacks."

    Juan nodded as he began to understand, as Mickey stared on in amazement.

    "Ah," Billy moaned finally catching on too. "Well, let's hope you can put it to good use before Glaceon and I pulverize your Pokemon! Glaceon, Ice Shard!"

    "Zap Line!" Elesa quickly called out afterwards.

    Glaceon opened her mouth and produced a huge chunk of ice from the chill of her body. It got to a pretty big size and she was about to launch it off, until Zebstrika's attack hit home first. He phased though the air in a quick yellow flash of light, then popped up right behind Glaceon.

    "Now, Double Kick!" Elesa yelled.

    And on command, Zebstrika faced his Trainer and used his hind legs to launch Glaceon back towards Billy, the Ice Shard ball breaking into puffs of white from his force. Zebstrika howled loudly as an coating of yellow outlined his body to give it a semi-powerful glow.

    "Ah, this must be it's Recharge ability kicking in!" Juan said happily as he noticed the big turn the battle was taking.

    "What's Recharge?" Mickey asked.

    "It's a Special Ability for most Electric-type Pokemon. The more Electric-type attacks the user performs, the stronger the next one will be!"

    Billy's heart sank again as he heard this. Plus the boost that he's already gotten from Ignition..."So that means..."

    "Yep, you won't be strong enough to take down Zebstrika now!" Elesa laughed evilly.

    "But he still won't be fast enough to keep up with Glaceon since his speeds been brought down from Icy Wind!"

    "True," Elesa agreed. "But, I won't need my Zebstrika's speed to win!"

    What does she mean by that? Billy thought nervously.

    "Zebstrika, use Take Down!" she yelled directing her chilled over Pokemon.

    Zebstrika slowly trotted off towards Glaceon at an less-than-impressive speed. It was almost insulting how Elesa thought Billy would allow himself to sit and wait for an attack like that to smash into them, so he angrily went on the offensive.

    He pointed straight at them when he yelled. "Glaceon, let's end this! Quick Attack!"

    Quickly, Glaceon sprang off at an breakneck pace, headed straight for Zebstrika faster than he was coming for her.

    It was getting close...

    They were going to collide in any second...

    Just a little more...

    "Now! Use Volt Switch!" Elesa yelled.

    Zebstrika's electric coated body forced all the electricity into one gigantic ball of power, and his whole body shrank inside of it. Glaceon was too close to escape, and the ball sent a huge rush of energy through Glaceon's icy body. The resulting collision causing a huge explosion due to the power put into the attack.

    Everyone stared shocked at the scene and waited for the dust to clear once more. Finally, the silhouette appeared. Zebstrika had lots of scratches and scrapes, and Glaceon was standing a close distance away, cuts and bruises on her body as well.

    It all came down to this. Both Pokemon limply stood to maintain their balance, neither one moving and inch except to let out their heavy breaths. Elesa and Billy watched them both carefully, feeling like it was all up to the Pokemon themselves to decide who'd win or lose. It was mentally decided between the two Trainers that giving another command would be useless.

    After a few more seconds, it seemed like neither side would give out. Elesa and Billy were both about to call out for an attack, but what they saw stopped them.

    Glaceon and Zebstrika stopped, froze, and gave each other a smile as they both fell to the ground with the looped-over eyes of defeat.

    "A draw?!" Elesa yelled.

    "Huh..." Billy shrugged surprisingly as he returned Glaceon to her Pokeball. "You did great out there, Glaceon! You deserve a nice long rest..."

    Elesa returned Zebstrika to his Pokeball and tried her hardest to hide her satisfied smile, but to no avail. That battle was amazing, and she was glad she actually got to be a part of it.

    "Good job, Zebstrika..." she said happily staring inside of it.

    Seconds later, a single set of claps sounded from above the rafters.

    "Yes, yes!" a familiar voice yelled through the megaphones. "That was some mighty fine battlin' you two!"

    Elesa scoffed as she looked up. "So I guess you've been watching, eh Boss?" she asked.

    Mr. Fox walked down from the top of the bleachers where Mickey and Juan were sitting and happily addressed them all. "I see you two've already been acquainted."

    Juan nodded as he walked up to Mr. Fox's side. "Yes sir," he said stoically as if unimpressed by Mickey’s presence. "I assume that these were the two boys you left to keep watch over from earlier?"

    Fox nodded with a hearty chuckle. "Why, you sound so fickle about it Juan!" he proclaimed nudging Juan on the leg. "You have to have saw it! These two have potential!"

    Juan rolled his eyes. "And what makes you think two mere children wouldn’t become a nuisance in our endeavors?" he asked as he folded his arms.

    What 'endeavors'? Mickey thought with glinted stares between Juan and Mr. Fox.

    "Now, now…" Fox said as he flashed his hand around nonchalantly. "No need to fret about that just yet." He turned his gaze towards Mickey and caught his eyes. "I’m sure they’ll come to soften up once we show ‘em the ropes…"

    Juan followed Mr. Fox and his two hefty bodyguards to the floor of the arena, where Billy was sticking close behind Elesa with the same flushed expression on his face.

    "Quite a battle you and Elesa had there boy!" Mr. Fox congratulated, only to receive another flash of her eyes from Elesa. He motioned over to her again before he spoke. "Been a while since somebodies kept her and Emolga on their toes. You got a lot of promise here, kid."

    "What exactly is 'here'?" Mickey asked as he walked onto the arena next to Juan.

    Mr. Fox saw Mickey’s strong and serious looks and laughed. "Well soften up there, boy!" he said. "No need to fret about it!"

    Elesa walked over to Mr. Fox’s side and Billy and Klinklang remained in tow. She was too busy jamming to another faint song to hear or see anything that was going on.

    "…But…" Mr. Fox continued. He dragged Billy by the arm to bring him to Mickey’s side. Juan stepped away to form next to Elesa and Klinklang so that Mr. Fox could speak. "I do believe it is about time I tell you both what it is you’ll actually be doin’ here for me."

    "…Wow…" Billy said again as he watched Elesa bob her head silently to the beat of her songs. Mickey brushed him hard on the shoulder before letting Fox speak. "…And that is?"

    Fox then tapped his cane rhythmically on the floor adjacent to the field.

    "I hire the best of the best here, son." He said. "No, maybe not the best Pokemon Trainers or Breeders, but I hire people who already possess the potential to be something bigger. Something amazing."

    He nodded his head back towards the two Gym Leaders behind him. "Juan and Elesa are just two of my many examples. Juan here is a Gym Leader, an excellent Trainer, and an already achieved Top Coordinator. He’s done so well by me that he’s even become the Champion of Hoenn once upon a time."

    Juan happily boasted out his chest as Billy smiled in amazement.

    "That’s when you gave the position to Wallace, right?" he asked. "So you could keep running the Sootopolis City Gym?"

    Juan turned his head at Billy and nodded. "That’s correct. I came back to Sootopolis because I felt compelled to find something there. It took the help of a few people…" he turned at Mr. Fox, who was merely watching the boys reactions, "…But it got completed eventually…"

    "I hired Juan while he was still a Coordinator, you see…" Fox continued. "Under my tutelage he went on to win the Grand Festival a few short years ago, then even became the Gym Leader soon after!"

    "Yeah, I saw that!" Mickey said, finally impressed by all of this. "You won it all when your Milotic was still a Feebas, right?"

    "And it evolved a month or so later I believe…" Juan confirmed.

    Mr. Fox then spoke of the second Gym Leader. "As I’m sure Billy can tell you, Elesa here is also a part-time model back out in Nimbasa City out in Unova."

    Elesa didn’t speak. Eyes closed and in tune with the music playing under Klinklang's head, she was pretty much in her own little world for most of this conversation.

    "I know about that, too…" Mickey said rolling his eyes towards Billy, who shyly retreated behind him. "Billy has an over extensive collection of a few of the models in Sinnoh and Unova…" He blinked his gaze to the dancing Elesa. "She happens to be one of his favorites…"

    Mr. Fox looked slightly impressed, a reaction few people would have knowing that a 15-year-old teen had a book collection of models from around the world.

    "Ah!" he said proudly. "So I guess you’re both familiar with Fantina and Sabrina?"

    "The Gym Leaders!?" Billy yelled momentarily popping up from out the view of Mickey’s back.

    Juan spoke this time with another nod. "Yes, the Gym Leaders… Fantina and I are actually born of the same country. When we moved, I was the first to be hired by Mr. Fox, then I asked that she’d join us by my request."

    "Sabrina came to my attention when I heard of her amazing abilities as a Psychic." Fox continued, happy with the boys undivided attention. "I hired her as soon as we met and she didn’t even need me to explain it to her! She knew exactly what to do for us the minute she started…"

    Juan nodded his head gratefully. "…A fine ally indeed…" he added.

    "…Lalalaaa…" Elesa sang close behind. "…So why did you choose him instead...?

    ...Girl who cuts my hair…"

    "Er…anyway…" Fox said, slightly disturbed by the song Elesa was swaying to.

    "Those are just…a few of my employees. There’s Bryce and the trio of consumers from Unova. Morty and his Ghost Whispering abilities from Ecruteak. I also employed Clair and her cousin Lance from the same region. Just to name a few…"

    This time, even along with Mickey, the "Wow" that Billy let out in response to what was being said didn’t come from his star struck affliction with Elesa, even if the group was automatically lead to believe so. Mickey finally softened up to the already softened Mr. Fox, seeing now that his worries were almost for naught.

    There were still a few questions that remained unanswered, but he was sure that Fox would more than happily answer them. "So, what do we have to do with all of this? Why’d you hire us?" he asked.

    Mr. Fox smiled hard with his replies from then on, seeing as if he may have finally broken through to the dark haired child. "Simple!" he snorted. "You’re both my new coordinating stars!" The boys bit their lips from the excitement of the words.

    "Along with Fantina and Juan and a few select others, I’m going to turn you all into some of the most memorable characters in Pokemon history! All you have to do is smile, look handsome, and- more importantly -win!"

    Then came Mickey’s second question, "Why do you need so many Trainers and Coordinators though? It just sounds like to me with all the Gym Leaders and the Elites that you’ve had, you wouldn’t really need two underclassmen like Billy and myself…"

    "Oh contraire, monsieur!" Fox yelled with his excited Louisianian accent. "Everyone of these Trainers finely pieces together the masterpieces that fit all of our Regions together! More people on the payroll just means that the glue'll hold much much longer!"

    Billy heard that part hidden in the sentence. "Wait," he said popping out from behind Mickey now. "You’re saying we’re getting paid for this?"

    Fox laughed as he nodded. "You didn’t think I’d jeopardize my status as Mayor by kidnapping two teenage boys and forcing them under my wing for free did ya?" He began to calm down from the laughter between Juan and himself.

    "No, no child. I wouldn’t dream of it."

    The boys felt the warmth in their hearts flare up, as if it were being exchanged between the two of them like freeing the yolk from an egg. They looked at each other with smiles bigger than their faces and began to hop up and around like two School Children.

    Juan laughed with himself for a brief moment as he watched the youth dance around. It made him feel slightly better about them seeing them both like this....

    In that setting...

    However, when he remembered what the setting actually was, he quickly averted his eyes and frowned darkly as the happiness turned to a sour and bitter rage.

    With an remorseful scowl, he almost burned through Mr. Fox’s short stubby body through the peripheral of his vision. He was almost tempted to tell the boys of what their true work consisted of; but what man in his right of mind would shoot down someones happiness like that?

    Even it it was founded on a false sense of security and hope, it still would hurt just the same to watch- no, to be a part of -the destruction that ultimately threw down an entire democracy.

    The boys regained their composure after a long while of jumps and cheering.

    While clearing his throat, Mickey stood himself upright and nudged against Billy to get him to do the same. "Yes…well…" he managed to say as they finished.

    "Well?" Fox said with the same white smile. "What’d’ya say boys? Do I have two new employees coming on-board today or not?"

    With one last nodded between themselves, Mickey and Billy stared Mr. Fox at eye level, no matter how low it was, and said, "You can count on us, Fox!"

    "SPLENDID!" he yelled. "Now, come! Come! Lets get you two something in your stomachs. No need to focus on meeting all your co-workers if your too hungry to care, right?"

    With another big smile, Mr. Fox led the boys back into the main hall of the mansion, and sent them both to the kitchen. It was only a little after noon, and Billy and Mickey’s day surely took a big turn for the better as all the days work unfrocked…


    ___________________
    ________________
    - End Of Chapter 5 -

    ___________________

    __________________________________________________ _______________

    @Lucario: Any and all comments you found in the last few chapters have been corrected! Thanks again!

    @Ninjask: Thanks for your input! Lol and yes, I HAD to hurry and squeeze the bit about their new suits in there! It was getting odd picturing naked Billy in my thinking space o_o...

    And yes, I AM making up most of these moves! Thanks for calling them creative because honestly I was just typing anything and describing them as I played them out in my head.

    ***

    I'm actually going to start doing little blocks like this at the end of every chapter from now on. Just so all my readers can stay on track with my logic for the story.

    So here we go!

    *FOOTNOTES*


    • EVERY.SINGLE.CHAPTER. of this story was made right off the top of my head.

      Lol, I go INTO 'Post Reply' with a small idea of what the Chapter is going to contain, then completely trash it and end up with...

      Well, what you see above!
    • Maybe I should have stated this earlier, but each Pokemon my have from up to 6 to 8 moves in my fic. Four of which will more than likely be more moves and special abilities that I make up.

      Hopefully you all haven't found the new moves to be too over-powered, because I definitely wasn't going for THAT!
    • Every Gym Leader I've named so far, plus a few more of my favorites, will have special appearances or MAJOR plot differences in my story.
    • My favorite Gym Leaders are as follows:
      1. Pryce-the Ice Gym Leader in Johto.
      2. Morty- I used to have an obsession with Ghost-types and decided he'd make a smash appearance inside "Don't Think, Just Do"
      3. Clair- When I first received my very first Pokemon video game for my birthday (PKOEOMN GLOD IN THE HIZ-OUSE!...o_o *ahem*) I fell in love with how fun it was to battle with her against my Team.

        Lol, I remember how I made my last save in front of her, then after I won/lost,I'd restart from the last Save Point! HAHA!
      4. Sabrina- I just loved her from the start. Gotta love Psychic beauties with daddy issues. Lol, plus her re-make in HG/SS was SHWEET! >X3
      5. Juan/Wallace- I thought that Juan was the OLDER Wallace and spent days looking up what aged him. Ended up figuring out that Wallace was the student and Juan went away to be the Champion. *Go Figure*

        :And I Have More But I'll Keep It Short, Just Expect These People To Appear In The Fic!:


    • Lastly, the title to this story has NOTHING to do with my new plot for the fic, but since- like I said before - I scrap certain plots right towards the end, I have to make the ending something concerning not thinking and just doing... :/

    Thanks for reading and I hope you've stayed along thus far for the ride. More footnotes next Chapter because I'm pretty sure you've read enough...Sorry about that, by the way...
    Last edited by bookauthor1123; 11th June 2011 at 12:15 PM.

    Credit to
    SWORN METALHEAD
    for the sig!

  21. #21
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    right there in front of me...
    Bolded corrections

    "Sabrina came to my attention when I heard of her amazing abilities as a psychic."
    He nodded his head back towards the two gym leaders behind him. "Juan and Elesa are just two of my many examples. Juan here is a gym leader, an excellent Trainer, and an already achieved top coordinator. He’s done so well by me that he’s even become the champion of Hoenn once upon a time."
    Since they aren't proper nouns and the people are not being referred to with those terms they remain lower cased.

    ghost whispering
    ---

    Instead of quoting them all, here will be an explanation, I've seen a lot of your grammar improve, but you capitalize things that really do not need to be, and I guess it's good that you're trying to be sure, but here are a list of things that do not need capitalization unless some person, place, or thing is being called it.

    trainer
    coordinator
    gym leader
    champion of (insert region here [unless again you someone is calling someone the Champion Of "Region"]) -
    "How does that make you feel, Champion of Hoenn?"

    I hope you get my point.

    ---

    One other question I have, do you just type your story straight into the Quick Reply box? You should be typing your story inside of a word processing program (preferably Microsoft Word or Microsoft Works Word Processor) A.) You have an idea of how long your story is up to that point and B.) You also have the help of spell check, though I must say that it does pick up everything so make sure that you proof-read, at least twice, if not even a third or fourth time!!!

    Okay so that's it for this review, but I'm liking the mystery behind all this, and I'm glad to see that Mickey has some concerns and isn't just going along all trolly lolly laa without some concern, though it does seem a bit odd for the mayor of the city to pick up two random kids...but still, I'm liking it, and I want to see what you're going to do with the plot!
    Last edited by Legend of Lucario; 11th June 2011 at 1:49 PM.
    Insert Cool FanFic Banner Here.
    Maybe I should start writing one of those...

    Honestly, the hell if I know...

  22. #22
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    Quote Originally Posted by Legend of Lucario View Post
    Bolded corrections





    Since they aren't proper nouns and the people are not being referred to with those terms they remain lower cased.



    ---

    Instead of quoting them all, here will be an explanation, I've seen a lot of your grammar improve, but you capitalize things that really do not need to be, and I guess it's good that you're trying to be sure, but here are a list of things that do not need capitalization unless some person, place, or thing is being called it.

    trainer
    coordinator
    gym leader
    champion of (insert region here [unless again you someone is calling someone the Champion Of "Region"]) -
    "How does that make you feel, Champion of Hoenn?"

    I hope you get my point.

    ---

    One other question I have, do you just type your story straight into the Quick Reply box? You should be typing your story inside of a word processing program (preferably Microsoft Word or Microsoft Works Word Processor) A.) You have an idea of how long your story is up to that point and B.) You also have the help of spell check, though I must say that it does pick up everything so make sure that you proof-read, at least twice, if not even a third or fourth time!!!

    Okay so that's it for this review, but I'm liking the mystery behind all this, and I'm glad to see that Mickey has some concerns and isn't just going along all trolly lolly laa without some concern, though it does seem a bit odd for the mayor of the city to pick up two random kids...but still, I'm liking it, and I want to see what you're going to do with the plot!
    Thanks for all you've done to help me with the fic!

    The reason I capitalize all those things is because when I look up information about certain Pokemon for inspiration, I sometimes come across things like that. They always put caps around things like Gym Leader and Pokemon Coordinator, regardless of them naming someone or not.

    Sometimes yes, I do just type straight from 'PostReply' and not from Word...but I have this little add-on for my browser that checks my speeling as I type, the only reason I miss little things (like that incorrect version of 'spelling' a few words back) is that I have to manually turn it on/off....and it turns off every time I load a page...

    I know that'd lead a lot of people to think that my stories end up lacking and might not be too good, but you could expect the same whether I'm on Word or not... because for some reason (don't ask me why) my computer was never installed with the 'SpellCheck' program when I received it.

    No it's not an excuse, because I can always Spell Check online, but I just mostly remind myself to turn it on when I'm typing on the browser...because it'll still underline my mistakes with the red underline...

    ~~~

    As for Chapter 6, if I don't post it up today it's because I just randomly started a new Dynasty Warriors fic, and I may be posting that on fanfiction by the end of today.

    Just know you can all expect it by tomorrow, or sometime very soon the day after.

    Credit to
    SWORN METALHEAD
    for the sig!

  23. #23
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    Haha okay, well I'm not sure where but I think the rules state that it should be typed in a word processing program, but still, make sure that you are proof reading though because a Spell Check does not know exactly what you're trying to say so you always have to be careful.

    One thing I've also noticed, slow down! This is why you might have some of the errors that you have, once you type something up you want to get it straight on to the internet so that everyone can see it, and that's not a bad thing, but that leaves rooms for error. Take your time while you are working on your fics! This way you can formulate all the plot out and then it also helps you when it comes that description I keep telling you about.

    Travis was a trainer, he had blue eyes and brown hair. It was his first battle and he was determined to win it. Grabbing a red and white Pokeball from his belt, he released his Bulbasaur on to the battlefield. His opponent, Ian, who was standing across from him had dark brown hair and glowing green eyes, smirked and through his Pokeball into the air releasing a Charmander.
    I typed that portion right off the top of my head in under a minute flat, now I'm going to think out some details and try that paragraph again.

    Travis slid his hand all along his belt in search of the Pokeball he chained to it moments ago. When he came across something that was only slightly bigger than a marble, he unchained it and pressed the white button in the center. The ball grew to about the size of a fully grown apple. With a small toss, the ball flew into the air. Spinning around a couple of times, the ball shot open with a red light furiously searching for it's way to the ground. The light began to take on shape. After a few seconds, a small green Pokemon stood on all fours, looking up to Travis with big, red eyes.

    Across the field, another young man smirked while tossing his Pokeball up and down in his hand. He stared at Travis with dark green eyes in hopes of making him feel slightly more uncomfortable and awkward than he already did. With a firm toss, the Pokeball flew high in the air, releasing from it on orange lizard Pokemon.

    "Let's do this." Ian continued to smirk
    That took me a little bit longer, and I haven't even gone to proof read that but I know if I were to look back on it and rethink some of the details, I could probably work out something that's pleasant to read.

    Not that this story has been bad or anything, just take your time, don't rush!
    Insert Cool FanFic Banner Here.
    Maybe I should start writing one of those...

    Honestly, the hell if I know...

  24. #24
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    Okay, I'm finally going to be more specificer in a review to you, as per your request. As Lucario states, don't rush it. It'll just hurt the quality, and I doubt many would think quality-for-quickness is a good trade (I'm looking at YOU McDonalds).

    The things I like in stories are: a good plot, believable characters you can feel emotion for, decent humor, and excellent use of adjectives.

    And, I'm happy to say, your story has some of 'em pretty well done. The plot, that's something I'll make a solid decision on at the end. But, a great start to a plot is keeping the readers interested, and you've done that. Your introduction to each chapter and the fact that loads of gym leaders have been "chosen" by Mister Fox is a very well done motivation to keep reading.

    As for the characters, Billy and Mickey just seem like a great duo, like how Harry, Ron and Hermione are a great trio. Though theirs is a bit more destructive, it works greats as a story. Billy's general hopelessness and Mickey's British accent combined with his temper, it's just hilarious.

    Speaking of hilarity, the humor of the story is pretty great, especially in the prologue (Garde being a boy and whatnot) and 1st chapter (Kriketune playing a funeral song as Mickey attempted to kill Billy). If you can incorporate some more humor of that quality into your fiction, it'll be read like hotcakes.

    Wonderful indispensable adjectives. Yeah, adjectives are what paint the pictures in the participant's head, your story could benefit quite a bit form more of them, as well as similes and metaphors. Vivid ones that portray accurately what's happening without getting too wordy. Like vivacious.

    Others may disagree with me, but I like this story, and intend to continue reading.
    Last edited by chanseychansey77; 12th June 2011 at 7:16 AM.

  25. #25
    Join Date
    Oct 2009
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    Post Chapter 6: So I Herd You Liek Kontezts... ?

    Chapter 6: So I Herd U Liek Kontezts... ?

    ... ... ...

    ...It would appear that meeting so many of the Regions' Gym Leaders and Elites have taken its toll on the boys...

    ...Well, more so Mickey than Billy...

    ...I suppose meeting Volkner at such a prime estate while having just been hired caused some concern to the letter...


    ...But...Still...

    ...Thank whatever gods allowed it that I didn't have to be the one to have told them that he'd be joining the Contest fray as well...
    … … …

    Mr. Fox led everyone into the next room of the mansion; the kitchen. I looked amazing. Really modern with touches of old Louisianian themed contraband. The table was long, at least three full dining tables wide, and was set up with bowls of fruit and shiny silverware. The flowers that were added also gave it a nice touch; the boys were awe-stricken.

    "Miss. Lenoire?" Fox called with a cuff around his mouth. "You in here, darlin’?"

    "Oh!" a soft, beautiful voice sounded from the next room. "Is that you, John?"

    "Yes ma’am! Come on in here, sweetheart! I’ve got some people I want you to meet…"

    Miss Lenoire peeked her round head in from the corner, and circled around to fit the tray of coffee she was holding into the room. "Well who are these two, Johnathan?" she asked passing warm smiles between them. "Did you found some poor orphan children off the street?"

    …Their smiles faded into small scowls.

    Mr. Fox, or Johnathan from what they’d heard, began to chuckle lightly. Elesa continued on with her songs, and Juan cracked a faint smile as he observed the two "orphaned children".

    "No, no." Fox said. "These are my two new employees!"

    Miss Lenoire’s light blue eyes sparkled. "Aww! But they’re so young! You sure they’ll work out?"

    "Oh, I’m sure they’ll do just fine." Fox said as he cheerfully patted Billy on the back. Their expressions didn’t change for a while. No matter how sweet and adorable the young woman appeared, it was still insulting to refer to them in such a way.
    "How about serving us all some of your fine southern cuisine?"

    Miss Lenoire fixed the hairpiece back into her golden blonde bun and nodded cutely. She turned to enter back into the kitchen once more, the train to her silken white summer dress flying across the room to keep up with her nimble movements.

    Mr. Fox gestured Juan and Elesa to the chairs at the head of the long wooden table, then addressed the boys to sit as well. Mickey sat on Billy’s right at the head of the table, then Juan took the third seat next to him. Mr. Fox sat on the right side of the table, Elesa taking the first chair across from Billy.

    The room grew silent as Elesa finally turned off her music and returned Klinklang to it’s Pokeball. She looked at him and smiled warmly, making him blush. It soon occurred to Billy though that the cause of the gesture may have been from the fact that she had two smaller earphones playing in her ear.

    Miss Lenoire re-emerged a few minutes after, a delectable spread in tow. It silenced the mindless chatter that everyone started, as they all mostly commented on her cooking.

    "Ah, Miss Lenoire!" Mr. Fox said happily as he clasped his two plump hands together. "I do always enjoy your brand of cooking ma’am!"

    Miss Lenoire beamed embarrassingly as she wiped her messy hand on her blue blouse. The colors meshed nicely enough where you could hardly tell she had done so, but it was still in bad tastes to Mickey.

    "Why thank you, Johnathan…" she said with a flushed expression. Fox removed his hat and bowed his head to her solemnly. "Well how’s about I start passing out the spread, then?"

    Fox turned to the boys as he pulled out his cell phone. He merely pressed one button and placed it back into his left pocket before he spoke. "You’re both gonna enjoy Simone’s cooking something special, I tell you…" he said with a flustered grin and batted eyes towards "Simone".

    Billy and Mickey shared a quick look between themselves and nodded with no further question.

    Seems like somebodies gotta love-life huh, Mickey? Billy whispered past Mr. Fox’s glare.

    Mickey nodded in response. Yeah… It’s making me sick…

    they both began to snicker as people began to file in the room and take their seats.

    Mr. Fox stood and held up the clean wine glass in front of him as Miss Lenoire placed his meal down in front of him. "Mmm! My absolute favorite!" he said as he stared down at the steaming hot plate of seafood. After he batted another look at her, he directed his glass to gesture at the two boys.
    "Everyone!" he proclaimed loudly so his voice could reach the end of the table.

    No one seems to care too much that he just stood up on the table… Mickey said as he slowly picked up his glass as well.

    Miss Lenoire began pouring a bubbly golden substance into Mr. Fox’s glass. "Oh, thank you, darlin!" he said. "I’d like you all to meet your two new co-workers!" Mr. Fox sniffed his nose at Billy, who caught on and stood automatically. "This here is Billy, he’s going to be our new coordinator here in Sinnoh!"

    A voice chimed in as they sat down next to Mr. Fox. "Yeah?" they asked, voice stoic and uncaring. "And who’s the pipsqueak?"

    Mickey’s frustration rose as he stood and slammed his fists on the table. "I am not a bloody ‘pipsqueak’" he spat at the word as he eyeballed the blonde menace. "…you blimey twit!"

    The blonde spiky haired kid rolled his eyes and turned his gaze towards the other end of the table. "Tsk, tsk, tsk…" he started. "Temper, temper…He’s a live wire, Fox…"

    Mickey snarled as Fox lowered his glass from sipping on it slightly. "Now, now, Volkner…" he said addressing the boy and his smug expression. "Let’s all be civil," he passed a look at Mickey as well, who sat once he’d caught on. Billy did the same. "Now this here is Mickey, he’s gonna be filling in the quota we need for the League this year…"

    To this, "Volkner" finally addressed Mickey with a surprised glare. "What?!" he yelled as a girl about his age sat next to him. "He’s entering the League too?!"

    Mr. Fox rolled his eyes at the question. He took another small sip and answered. "Volkner, now you can’t expect me to enter just ten Trainer’s in this year can you?" Volkner’s eyes never left Mickey, and vice-versa. "Like I said, we have a quota…" he gave Billy and Mickey expectant glares respectively. "And these two are gonna fill ‘em…"

    Billy turned to Mickey just after receiving his food, but Mickey was too busy meeting eyes with Volkner to respond. Instead, Billy addressed Mr. Fox.

    "So…your saying, we’re both coordinators…and we’re going to enter the League?" he asked.

    Fox nodded. "That’s right. I’ve seen your potential, son. You’re going to definitely go far while being under me." Staring at Mickey, he finished. "Both of you are…"
    "Now let’s all get along here and act civilized around one another, okay?"

    Everyone murmured their understandings from all across the room.

    "Alright then!" he said hopping down from the table and retreating into his chair. "Let’s eat!"

    Volkner scoffed and turned to his plate of food, which he began to scarf down angrily.

    Mickey did the same as he averted his gaze to his food. What’s it to him if I enter the League or not!? Mickey thought angrily as he bit into a random chunk of his meal.

    Just then, something amazing hit the two. Billy and Mickey’s tastebuds felt as if they’d been played around with by an expert high school marching band. Mickey’s face lit up with a blush, as Billy sank lightly into his chair with a relieving sigh. Uncontrollably, they both began eating wildly, stuffing their palettes with another bite before almost gagging on the fine cuisine.

    "…What was it that you said you wanted to be, son?" Mr. Fox asked from his position across the table.

    Mickey looked up from his food with a stuffed mouth. After he swallowed hard, he attempted to answer the question, only to choke on the poorly chewed remnants of it. A swift array of coughs and gags sounded next, then Juan roughly pounded Mickey in the back. Juan just somehow knew the boy wasn’t actually in danger; the food just refused going down was the problem…

    Billy watched Mickey drink huge gulps of the juice Mrs. Lenoire left out for them and answered for with with sly giggles. "Well Mr. Fox," he said. "I want to be an Pokemon Coordinator."

    He gestured over to Mickey, his eyes bugled out from almost dying at the dinner table. "Whereas my friend here wants to complete the League and challenge the Champion…"

    Mr. Fox looked impressed by this. "’Complete the League’, eh?" he said. "Well how many Badges have you collected?"

    Mickey gasped for air as the food slipped down and landed hard in his stomach.

    Well that’s gonna be hard to digest…Mickey thought with an distasteful look. He wiped away the tear in his right eye, then affixed his glasses back onto his face before responding.

    "…Thanks, Juan…" he said with a flash of his hand.

    Juan didn’t respond, he merely rolled his eyes at nothing.

    Mickey reached onto the floor and grabbed his bag, pulling out the same Badge Case he’d shown to the Gym Leader of Sootopolis. The set gleamed and sparkled as he showed it to Fox.

    "I have a lot of Badges, sir." He said as he flipped to the badges he’d earned from Hoenn first. He turned the case around to show them to Mr. Fox, and everyone seemed impressed as they looked. "I’ve already gotten all the Badges from Hoenn and 3 from when I was in Johto too!" Mickey flipped to the slide in Kanto.
    "But…" he said sadly. "I don’t have any from this region…"

    Elesa looked highly impressed, as did Volkner, but he tried his damn near hardest not to show it. Mickey saw the twitch that Volkner let off as he feigned a stoic appearance, making him grow a huge satisfied grin.

    "That’s why we both came here!" Billy said wiping his mouth with his sleeve, receiving a glance from Mr. Fox. "Oh! Uhm…"

    "All Billy here needs is one more ribbon and he can enter the grand festival. I need two more, just like I need two more Badges. One from here, and the other from Candace in Snowpoint City…" He shot a quick look to Volkner as he spoke about his particular city.

    "I need six more badges…" Billy shamefully said. "I haven’t really been too active in Sinnoh." He pulled out his red Badge Case from his pocket and it opened up with a chime. "The only two I have are the Cobble Badge from Maylene in Veilstone, and the Relic Badge from Fantina in Hearthome…"

    "…After meeting Fantina," Mickey continued. "Billy got more into Contests" With a passing glance from the corner of his eye, Mickey finished. "…and beauty pageants…" Mickey said through gritted teeth, making Billy sink into his chair again.

    Mr. Fox listened intently on the ensuing conversation, then looked to Volkner for his response, getting nothing of the sort. "Well Volkner?" he said, attempting to force it out. "You up for a Gym Battle? He only needs two more…"

    Volkner finished his food and dropped his spoon to the table with a hard metallic clang. Without a word he stood up from the table and exited the Dining Room.

    To shun an awkward moment away, the girl that sat on his left spoke up. "Sorry about Volkner," she said with a shrug. "He tends to get like that around the new guys. It was actually strange to see him speak up like that, though."

    She flexed her arm around in her chair and smiled with a giggle, "I remember you two, believe it or not! Haha, it wasn't that long ago now that I think about it..."

    That’s what she calls it? Mickey thought recalling the bubbly girls words. Then, it struck him. Wait, did she just say…?

    "Hey!" Billy yelled pointing to her and her bright red hair. "I do remember you!"

    Mickey thought she looked familiar, especially with the small flaming symbol on her dark black t-shirt. He just couldn’t quite place where he knew her from.

    Billy nudged Mickey with his shoulder before speaking again. "You’re Flannery! Flannery from Lavaridge Town!"

    Flannery blushed and scratched the back of her head. "Come on!" she laughed. "Remember? I told you not to be so formal with me!"

    She and Billy shared a reminiscent laugh as it came back to Mickey who she was.

    Flannery noticed Mickey’s confused expression and spoke to him over the idle chatter from different Trainers across the table. "Still don’t remember me, huh?" she asked as she observed him staring at the Heat Badge.

    She playfully nudged Billy as she walked over to them. "Hiya, Juan!" she playfully said, knowing of his quiet, appertained demeanor.

    Juan waved a slight hello in return to the fellow Gym Leader of Hoenn, but that was all he was going to allow himself to do.

    With a giggle, Flannery turned back to Mickey and Billy. "Maybe this will jog your memory:…" she said, affixing her posture to a more boasted and regal form. Billy knew right off hand what she was about to do, and mimicked her position as he stood next to her.

    They both bent down, Flannery’s hair flipping over her head resembling a wild blaze, then they started making rock star noises with their tongues out in irregular proportions. It was amusing to Billy, remembering how when they first met it was at an Pokemon Contest in Hoenn. Then Mickey remembered how Flannery was the lead guitarist for a band out in Hoenn, the Burning Slugma.

    When it all flooded back, even though he cursed at himself for forgetting something like that, Mickey stood up with the duo and mocked their actions happily. This went on for about a minute or so, all three mumbling the same tunes to one of Flannery’s rock songs, until Mr. Fox gave them all an uninterested look causing Mickey to regain his composure and take his seat again.

    Billy and Flannery caught on to this and quickly scurried over to take theirs as well. Then, Mr. Fox continued.

    Mickey shot one last look at Flannery before something that had been ailing him sparked up again. "Mr. Fox?" he asked getting his attention back. "Why do you have all these Gym Leaders and Elites around like this? Why aren’t they in their Regions doing all of their duties?"

    Mr. Fox’s eyes narrowed as he scrambled for an answer. He noticed Juan shy away to another conversation with two more adult Trainers across from him, and quickly assumed he was on his own.

    "Well Mickey, " he said reluctantly as Flannery flipped on her Pokedex and began typing away. "Sometimes, I schedule different times to have different Leaders come over. It helps to keep everyone up-to-date so that I can further along my plans…"

    "What plans?" Billy asked as he nonchalantly played around in the rest of his undesired food.

    Fox pretended not to hear the question as he turned to Mickey once more.

    "Well, I guess Volkner isn’t gonna give you that battle just yet, Mickey…" he said dropping a napkin from his mouth. "But how’s about you two enter the upcomin’ Contest here in Sunyshore?"

    Billy’s blue eyes sparkled brightly. "Contest!?" he beamed. "Here?"

    Fox nodded happily at Billy’s enthusiasm, but that didn’t mean Juan and Mickey were slightly intrigued as well.
    "That’s right, it’s scheduled for tomorrow at the new Contest Hall. I’m sure you two’ll make the dead line if you sign up today..."

    Flannery closed up her Pokedex with an agreeable nod. "He’s right, the dead-line is today at 6 o’clock. It’s only…" she took a reluctant peek at her watch. "…3:15 now!"

    "Excellent!" Mr. Fox yelled out. "I’ll have Paul drive you over in a few minutes!" Until then…" he looked over at Billy’s messy white sleeve and gave him an weakish glare. "You two might want to clean yourselves up a bit. Miss Lenoire’ll take your plates if your finished…"

    With a nod, and an embarrassed grin from Billy, the boys stood and dismissed themselves from the table…

    "Hey, Billy…" Mickey said.

    "Yeah? What is it?"

    "Why is it that whenever we bring up something about our jobs, Mr. Fox keeps ignoring us?"

    Billy thought about this for a second, and then laughed quietly. "We only asked about our jobs like…one time, Mickey" he said, obviously not keeping count. "And plus, he probably just didn’t hear me that time! My head was down, you know?"

    Mickey wasn’t satisfied, but remained silent as they walked past the many different Trainers to exit the dining room. "Yeah…" he said. "I guess your right…" even though he wasn’t. "I’ll be upstairs in the bathroom, getting ready. You should probably do the same…"

    ________________________

    ALRIGHT! Chapter 6 is done!

    But I have a slight side-plot that I'm going to place inside of here!

    To sort of..."TEST"...my descriptive skills as of late, I'm going to have the boys enter a Pokemon Contest. Maybe then you all can see if my skills have improved or not..

    Credit to
    SWORN METALHEAD
    for the sig!

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