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Thread: Absconditus Infensus [PG-13] Collab with KJT

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    Default Absconditus Infensus [PG-13] Collab with KJT


    This is a big project me and my good friend KJT are undertaking. Please take the time to read and review. If you review, one of use will most likely review you back.

    Absconditus Infensus

    Chapter List:

    1. The Fiend Of The Cathedral
    2. Scuffle In The Car Park
    3. Confrontations and Revelations

    Chapter One: The Fiend Of The Cathedral

    Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before.

    The Reverend read from the tattered bible, his clear voice echoing about the airy chapel. He turned a page; broken light from the stained windows danced across the book.

    Viceroy wasn’t listening.

    The boy sat at the very back of the chapel in the corner. He’d visited this church (with his family) every Sunday for the last seventeen years of his life. Nobody sat in this row but him - no one wanted anything to do with the devilish boy who played about with computers. He was slumped over, his short dark brown hair hanging over his eyes and a red tie drooping into empty space.

    He had been the topic of gossip for the older woman sitting at the front of the dusty church.

    Is he mourning?

    The poor dear can’t even sit up straight!


    “Goddammit, why the critical hits?” Viceroy whispered in annoyance.

    The boy shook his DS Lite in frustration as another one of his Pokémon went down. He was playing “Pokemon Diamond” and was facing the hardest boss of the game, “Champion Cynthia.”

    His face screwed up in aggravation as the cursed Garchomp took down yet another member of his team. He stamped his foot in rage as his Floatzel dropped off the screen, powerless against the onslaught of attacks. He had only one pokémon left, his starter, Torterra.

    He imagined his bulky turtle-like Pokémon shaking the huge tree and its armoured shell in rage of his teammates. Viceroy saw Cynthia smiling, flicking her long blonde hair with the tips of her fingers. Viceroy mashed the buttons on this DS, ordering his attack.

    The Torterra let out a familiar cry as it appeared onscreen. Viceroy tapped the “A” button twice, selecting the move “Earthquake.”

    THE FOE’S GARCHOMP USED DRAGON RUSH!

    Viceroy crossed his fingers.

    A CRITICAL HIT!

    Torterra’s health began draining away, fading from green to yellow and finally to a crushing red. Viceroy could only watch as the pixels of life poured away into oblivion.

    TORTERRA FAINTED!

    The DS gave a jolt, and the “Pokémon Diamond” game popped from the slot at the top of the double screened device. It bounced onto the floor silently, sliding forward under a few long pews. Viceroy watched as it stopped on the dusty marble floor between a pair of dusty sneakers.

    That . . . was unexpected.

    But what now? The game could get crushed if I wait until after the service. I can’t exactly get up and say “I dropped my DS game I was playing in the middle of being saved from the fiery depths of hell” either. There must be a way I could get it without being noticed . . .

    BOOT HANDLER <AERODACTYL>

    The boy lowered himself to the ground, feeling the soundtrack of “Mission Impossible” flicker into his mind. He slid forward, turning sideways to avoid someone’s high heels. So far so great. The seats were close together so the chance of being seen slipping underneath was small. He edged himself along the ground, once feeling the advantage of being short for his age. He turned his body sideways and moved further across the floor.

    <AERODACTYL> BOOTING. APPLYING VIRUS PATCH

    He finally reached the gray chip. The boy sensed movement above him; he turned his body sideways. He was completely concealed underneath the long row. He moved his hand towards the chip. He inched closer, and closer. He was almost there-

    <AERODACTYL> SUMMONED

    “BWAAAAAAWW!”

    Viceroy flinched and pulled his hand away at the sound of the scream. It was followed by a smashing of glass and the grumble of rubble. Yells rang out, and Viceroy though for a moment that this could be an earthquake. It was pointless trying to escape with all of the bible bashers rushing past. In the chaos, Viceroy spotted his game being trampled to pieces underneath the frenzied crowd’s rushing escape. Viceroy’s heart hammered as he jumped from every possibility, crushed, trampled, or suffocated. Only when the noise and screams faded did he open his eyes.

    Viceroy hoisted himself out from underneath the row of seats. The delicately stained glass that stood behind the altar had been smashed, with huge chunks taken out of the frame either side of it. It seemed quite holy, the sunlight streaming through the gap, filling the normally shaded area with warm light.

    He felt breath on the back of his neck, warm and sticky. Viceroy turned on the spot, not sure what to expect. His hazel eyes widened and he staggered back in shock.

    A huge gray creature stood before him. Huge whites with tiny black pupils stared the boy down. As Viceroy’s eyes adjusted, a gray jaw and head came into focus. A long neck held the predator’s head up. It was attached to a compact body that sprouted two huge flared wings, the insides of which were a deep royal purple. Its talons dug into the ground and its long devilish arrowed tail flicked from side to side.

    FUUUU-

    The Aerodactyl lunged forward, its neck reaching out. Viceroy leaned back, his tie was severed in half by the reptile’s snapping jaws. Viceroy regained his balance, his entire body racked with adrenaline and fear. The Aerodactyl was no longer cautious it lunged forward carelessly, its entire body attacking forward.

    Why is this happening to me? What’s going on?

    Viceroy dove between the pews. The Pokémon instantly began tearing them up like tissue paper. The noise was horrific. Viceroy scrambled back on his hands and knees as sawdust and small pieces of wood rained on him. The creature roared with frustration and with one beat of its wings leapt into the air.

    Viceroy turned over, the creature was descending towards him like a vulture homing in on its dead prey. The boy rolled to the side under a few rows. The Aerodactyl landed with a huge crash.

    Then silence.

    The Pokémon had lost track of its target. It began to stomp around the pews, sniffing at them occasionally. Its breath was heavy. Viceroy lay huddled in a ball under his original seat. He knew it was only a matter of time before he was found and ripped to pieces. He began wishing he had made his peace with God. Maybe then he wouldn’t fear death so much.

    He rolled over and tried to breathe silently. Above him, on the underside of the pew was a DS cartridge. It was held there by Sellotape and judging by how much dust had settled on it, it had been there a long time.

    What the heck? If I’m going to die then at least I’m going to know what game someone stuck here, and why.

    Viceroy tugged the cartridge. The square, almost flat chip came off easily and without any sound. He pulled his DS from his jean pocket and flipped the black screen open. From there, he slipped the chip in the back and turned it on.

    There was nothing for a second, and in the tension of the moment, Viceroy nearly laughed. Suddenly, walls of text began scrolling on the top screen at a breakneck speed that made reading it impossible. On the bottom screen text began to form.

    HANDLER <SENTRET>

    PERMISSION TO BOOT?

    Y/N?

    Viceroy was intrigued. Whatever this was, it certainly didn’t seem like a game, but something else, something weird. Whatever the case, the Aerodactyl was getting closer by the second.

    I may as well see what this is.

    He tapped the “Y” on the touch screen with a shaking finger.

    <SENTRET> BOOTING. INTITIATING POKEMON SUMMONING PROGRAM

    Wait, what?

    The screen flashed bright colours, more code flowed through the screen and a crackled sound emerged from the speakers. The Aerodactyl’s head turned towards him, his hiding spot was discovered. Viceroy flung the DS Lite along the ground, trying to get the noisy device as far from him as he could.

    It was too late, The Aerodactyl knocked away the pew he was under with a mighty swing of one of its wings. The Pokémon reared up into the air, Viceroy tried to crawl back but the Pokemon’s gray talons latched around his abdomen.

    This is so tight! So painful! I need a miracle, please God . . .

    <SENTRET> SUMMONED

    The huge creature looked down at him, its jaws agape at its immobilised prey. A long strand of sticky drool landed on Viceroy’s face.

    “PLEASE HELP!” Viceroy yelled.

    A brown blur entered the corner of Viceroy’s drool-blurred vision. It smacked the perched Aerodactyl hard in the jaw, twisting its head sharply. The Pokémon huffed in rage and released Viceroy, distracted by the new battler.

    Viceroy scrambled away, into the other corner and hid under the wreckage of some chairs. His body was shaking violently, and his breaths were laboured from his constricted abdominal muscles.

    How could everything go so crazy all of a sudden. Why are there Pokémon here?

    Before him, Viceroy spotted his DS Lite that he had cast away. The boy picked it up, it showed a basic looking menu.

    <SENTRET>

    COMMAND FUNCTION?

    >TACKLE<
    >GROWL<

    What is this “Sentret” that this game keeps talking about? Wait . . Isn’t Sentret a Pokémon too?

    Viceroy peeked through a gap in the wooden rubble that concealed his position. He saw the huge dragon-like form of Aerodactyl looking down at a small brown creature. It balanced on its long thick tail, which was striped, and rounded at the bottom. It had a single ringed bulls-eye target on its chest a set of mischievous black eyes.

    A husky voice crackled from the DS’s speakers, <Bring it on, lizard breath!> The Sentret raised a stubby hand to the growling Aerodactyl and made a taunting “come get some” signal.

    There was a shriek of outrage and the Aerodactyl snapped its neck forward. The Sentret bounced up on its tail and performed a forward flip, knocking the Aerodactyl’s head to the floor. It bounced up on impact and the Sentret performed another mid-air flip, sinking the Aerodactyl’s grey head further into the dusty marble.

    <Yeah, boy! That’s what I’m talking about!> said the voice from the DS.

    What could this be? This Pokémon, is actually . . .

    The Aerodactyl suddenly sprung from the ground and twisted its face into a terrifying scowl. The Sentret immediately lost its mojo and trembled. With a smile in the corner of its jaw, the Aerodactyl swept its tail around. The heavy appendage struck the smaller Pokémon in the side, and sent it rolling along the ground..

    Was that, a “Scary Face” attack that lowers speed? If they’re battling like Pokémon battle . . .

    “Okay, no more hiding,” Viceroy declared. He stood up, pieces of broken wood falling off his dusty body. The Aerodactyl turned its head and bounded toward him.

    Sentret needs time to recover. I have to hope this will work. I’ve got a fair chance, judging from Aerodactyl’s previous strategies.

    Viceroy dropped to the ground and put his back to a thick stone pillar, clutching his DS tightly. The Aerodactyl charged straight through the pillar, the stone shot all around the room. With a horrendous crash the pillar fell sideways. The raging reptile turned around. Viceroy was completely exposed.

    The boy smiled.

    I can’t believe that worked! So predicable . . .

    The Aerodactyl jumped in the air again for its pinning technique. Viceroy didn’t try to resist, and the Pokémon landed with a thud on the ground, with its talons latched tightly around Viceroy’s waist. The Pokémon raised its wings and screamed out an animal cry of victory.

    Now, with your centre of gravity high and your legs close together . . .

    Viceroy tapped the <TACKLE> selection on the menu of his DS Lite. The Sentret burst from the shadows, digging deep into the Aerodactyl’s exposed flank. Without its wings to protect it, the Pokémon was defenceless. It cried out and stumbled away.

    <Nice call. I wouldn’t have thought you would take a risk like that.> The Sentret looked up at him, its rabbit-like ears twitching.

    “I was hoping you were prepared to do the same too.”

    The Aerodactyl cried out, and began having a temper tantrum. It stumbled about the church, knocking things aside and flapping its wings wildly. It was being humiliated and hurt. Its anger was building. Viceroy saw a devilish glint in the Pokemon’s eyes.

    This isn’t going to be good.

    The Pokémon opened its mouth. A small sphere of energy was being formed. It was perfectly circular and emitted a bright yellow light. It began to build, absorbing energy from around it. Colour drained from the church and filled the sphere with energy.

    Is that a Hyper Beam charging?

    The attack would be enough to rip the entire building apart. Viceroy clutched his DS and looked at Sentret. He tapped a button.

    <You sure?> Sentret asked through the speakers.

    Viceroy nodded.

    Of course I’m sure. I know that this Pokémon is unstable, so now is perfect for toying with it’s emotions.

    The Sentret walked forward on its small legs and brought its arms up to its face. The Aerodactyl snarled and built the energy up even more. The Sentret drooped its ears and put a sad, endearing expression on its face. With its eyes opened fully it leaned forward and feebly growled:

    “Sentret . . .”

    A small amount of pity began to form in the Aerodactyl’s eyes. It spread to the rest of the Pokemon’s body, its limbs and wings drooping. The energy stored in the Hyper Beam began to fade.

    Now!

    Viceroy tapped the <TACKLE> command on the touch screen. The Sentret made a tiny, evil smile. It raised its tail and pushed it deep into the ground, using it like a spring. It rushed through the air. The horror on the Aerodactyl’s face registered.

    The Sentret charged at the sphere, knocking it down the Aerodactyl’s throat. The Pokémon scrambled back, its claws scraping the ground. Its screams echoed around the ruined church. From within, a great light began to build. It shone brightly out its eyes, nose and mouth like a powerful torch. It built, brighter and brighter until it engulfed the Pokémon.

    An option flicked onto Viceroy’s DS screen.

    INITIATE TYPE CRACK PROGRAM?

    Y/N?

    The boy looked at the Sentret, who nodded.

    Viceroy tapped the “Y” and a strange blue halo encircled the collapsing Aerodactyl. The halo constricted the white form of the Pokemon. There was a small explosion which morphed into a perfect sphere before the shape shrunk down to the size of a GBA cartriage and dropped noisily on the ground.

    Viceroy turned to Sentret.

    <You‘d better pick that up before I get it myself and shove it up your ***.>

    A message blinked onto Viceroy’s screen.

    FATAL KERNEL ERROR!

    TYPE CRACK FAILIURE DUE TO ENERGY OVERFLOW

    DOWNGRADED TYPE CRACK FROM LEVEL 3 TO LEVEL 1

    <ROCK> PATCH OBTAINED

    Viceroy bent over, his severed tie floating in the air like a fine piece of red ribbon. He picked the cartridge up, it was the same shape as a GBA game and could fit in the bottom slot of his DS.

    Imprinted on the front of the chip was a silhouette of a rounded looking creature.

    “Sentret, I think you have some explaining to do.”

    The response crackled from the DS, <Sure, but there is one thing I want to show you.>

    The Pokémon waddled outside, leaving Viceroy standing awkwardly in the middle of the destroyed building. It returned, holding a flat DS cartridge.

    <This was ejected from some sort of device when that Aerodactyl fainted, and look.>

    Viceroy caught the chip, he flinched as the hot plastic scalded its hands. The outline of an Aerodactyl was on the sticker. The filaments on the back were black and burnt out.

    <We’re in this together, what’s your name?>

    “Call me Roy.”

    The Sentret raised an eyebrow. A cheeky smile emerged on its face.

    <Let’s survive.>
    Last edited by moonlightning; 3rd July 2011 at 4:42 AM.

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    Thanks a bunch for telling me your were posting now . . . anyways:

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    Last edited by Becoming; 15th August 2011 at 12:20 AM.
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    He turned a page, broken light from the stained windows danced across the book.
    This isn't a complete sentence. Either change the punctuation within it (the comma to a semicolon) or change the verb tense on "danced" to "dancing."

    The boy sat at the very back of the chapel, in the corner. He’d visited this Church (with his family) every Sunday for the last seventeen years of his life.
    No need for the comma in the first sentence. As for the second sentence, I'm not sure why you're capitalizing "church" here. You only capitalize proper nouns, or if the common noun is taking place of the proper name (reason why most people capitalize "Mom" when a kid is speaking).

    The boy sat at the very back of the chapel, in the corner. He’d visited this Church (with his family) every Sunday for the last seventeen years of his life. Nobody sat in this row but him - no one wanted anything to do with the devilish boy who played about with computers. He wore a tidy white shirt with a black waistcoat over the top. He was slumped over, his short dark brown hair hanging over his eyes and a red tie drooping into empty space.
    The sentence in bold really doesn't fit in this paragraph; it feels like you randomly dropped in description because you felt like you needed to describe the boy as soon as you could when that's really not the case. Describe a character when appropriate and fits within context.

    God damnit, why the critical hits?” Viceroy whispered in annoyance.
    Goddammit. "Damnit" isn't actually a word (people are usually thinking of "dammit" when they type it).

    I do like the somewhat contrasting imagery that you guys gave with the older woman pitying him over something that happened to him and the more lighthearted, realer image of him just goofing around on his DS. I'm sure a lot of kids have been there, done that.

    He imagined his bulky turtle-like Pokémon shaking the huge tree and its armoured shell in rage of his team mates.
    Teammates is one word.

    The Torterra let out a familiar cry as it appeared onscreen. Viceroy tapped the “A” button twice, selecting the move “Earthquake.”

    THE FOE’S GARCHOMP USED DRAGON RUSH!

    Viceroy crossed his fingers.

    A CRITICAL HIT!

    Torterra’s health began draining away, fading from green to yellow and finally to a crushing red. Viceroy could only watch as the pixels of life poured away into oblivion.

    TORTERRA FAINTED!
    Unfortunately, right align, especially in a huge amount, is really distracting. It's really uncomfortable for your reader to jump back and forth between the left and right side of the screen (even worse if your reader has a huge screen) if the eye doesn't gradually move there (aka a regular sentence), and it's rather easy to get lost. You might want to try playing around with other forms of formatting to illustrated that the "game text" isn't necessarily part of the story but isn't as annoying to read. The triple indent, for example, is still in the left align but still separate enough for the reader to figure out that this isn't "regular narrative":

    The Torterra let out a familiar cry as it appeared onscreen. Viceroy tapped the “A” button twice, selecting the move “Earthquake.”
    THE FOE’S GARCHOMP USED DRAGON RUSH!
    Viceroy crossed his fingers.
    A CRITICAL HIT!
    Torterra’s health began draining away, fading from green to yellow and finally to a crushing red. Viceroy could only watch as the pixels of life poured away into oblivion.
    TORTERRA FAINTED!
    (It's a shame you're limited with fonts because there's some nice fan-made fonts out there that perfectly mimic the in-game text font.)

    He slid forward, turning sideways to avoid someone’s high heels. So far so great. The seats were close together so the chance of being seen slipping underneath was small. He edged himself along the ground, once feeling the advantage of being short for his age. He turned his body sideways and slid further across the floor.
    A little repetitive.

    The boy sensed movement above him, he turned his body sideways.
    Same here. This is also a comma splice. Change the comma to a semicolon.

    He finally reached the gray chip. The boy sensed movement above him, he turned his body sideways. He was completely concealed underneath the long row. He moved his hand towards the chip. He inched closer, and closer. He was almost there-
    Actually, I sort of get what you're doing with the short sentences here to illustrate some tight, quick action (or maybe I'm reading into structure and you didn't mean that lol), but there's a real choppy flow to this paragraph. It might be better to combine the "he moved his hand" sentence with the one following it.

    Viceroy flinched his hand away at the sound of the scream.
    "Flinched his hand away" is awkward. I actually never read it in that sort of context. (I get "Vincent flinched and pulled his hand away ..." though.)

    It was followed by a smashing of glass and the displacement of rubble
    Find a better word to describe the chaotic scene. "Displacement" doesn't fit in it (action wise, it's more of a "budge").

    Viceroy flinched his hand away at the sound of the scream. It was followed by a smashing of glass and the displacement of rubble. Yells rang out, and Viceroy though for a moment that this could be an earthquake. It was pointless trying to escape with all of the bible bashers rushing past. In the chaos, Viceroy spotted his game being trampled to pieces underneath the frenzied crowd’s rushing escape.

    Viceroy’s heart hammered as he jumped from every possibility, crushed, trampled, suffocated and ultimately, killed. Only when the noise and screams faded did he open his eyes.
    It kind of feels like you could have combined your paragraphs here. You guys tend to start a new paragraph when you don't actually need to, so be aware of that. As for the second paragraph, it's kind of confusing to piece together what's being said. I get that it's referring to the smashed game, but the sentence reads incomplete. You don't actually address what was "killed," at least coherently. I think the sentence has either a typo or is just phrased oddly.

    The delicately stained glass that stood behind the altar had been smashed, with huge chunks taken out of the stone either side of it.
    I don't get the descriptor in bold. I want to say you missed a word after "stone" or I don't see enough stain glass windows to get it.

    The Aerodactyl was no longer cautious, it lunged forward carelessly, its entire body thrown off the ground.
    The comma in red is a comma splice. Change it into a period. I also feel like you could be a bit more accurate with the descriptor in bold. It's more illustrating that it was "knocked back" instead of it "attacking forward."

    Viceroy dove between the pews, the Pokémon instantly began tearing them up like tissue paper. The noise was horrific. Viceroy scrambled back on his hands and knees as sawdust and small pieces of wood rained on him. The creature roared, with frustration and with one beat of its wings, leapt into the air.
    The comma in red in the first sentence is, again, a comma splice. Change it into a period or insert an "and" after "pews" and before "the." Likewise, the commas after "roared" and "wings" aren't needed.

    Viceroy turned over, the creature was descending towards him, like a vulture homing in on its dead prey
    Comma splice. Change it into a period.

    He knew it was only a matter of time before he was found, and ripped to pieces.
    No need for the comma in red.

    Rule of thumb: you only need a comma + coordinating conjunction (and, but, so, for, etc.) when you're connecting two independent clauses/complete sentences. If the clause before or after the coordinating conjunction is dependent (an incomplete sentence in a general sense), you don't need the comma.

    The screen flashed bright colours, more code flowed through the screen and a crackled sound emerged from the speakers. The Aerodactyl’s head turned towards him, his hiding spot was discovered.
    I'll let you guess what's wrong with these commas. =P I won't point out anymore comma splice errors for the sake of your sanity (lulz), but if you're having trouble spotting them, re-read your sentence out loud. Your voice often indicates where there should be a full stop or a stronger pause (not always accurate but it helps). A comma splice is when you use a comma to connect two complete sentences together btw.

    Try familiarizing yourself with the semicolon as well. Semicolons act as "weaker" periods that connect two complete sentences together that are in the similar train of thought. For example, the second comma in red in this section would be better as a semicolon as Aerodactyl turning his head toward Viceroy is strongly connected to Viceroy's spot being discovered.

    It was too late The Aerodactyl knocked away the pew he was under with a mighty swing of one of its wings.
    Missing period after "late."

    he Sentret looked up at him, it’s rabbit-like ears twitching.
    Its. "It's" = "it is."

    The halo was made of ones and zeros which orbited the Aerodactyl quickly. Another spinning disk surrounded the Pokémon, which was now purely light. Countless halos of binary code surrounded the Pokémon until they compressed down to a very small size. The light faded, and a small cartridge dropped to the ground.
    Vaguely Digimon-ish, admittedly. =P

    A cheeky smile emerging on its face.
    Emerged.


    Interesting. I did like the setup and how you didn't jump straight into the actual action. Actually, I think the more boring "sermon" scene balanced out the intense scene that followed; at the very least, it helped bring people's guards down to the following burst-through-the-church sequence. I also think you handled the battle scene well; you guys described it nicely without it being too much of an dialogue-attack description-dialogue sequence, and you used the setting nicely to illustrate the destruction that was sure to happen when a raging aerodactyl crashes into your church. I think my favorite attack description was Sentret's "growl" attack. I also like the way you handled the pokemon talking aspect. It makes a lot of sense and gives the connection of the sentret still being a part of this weird gamey thing that's going on.

    It was a little awkward at times, specifically with Roy wanting to use what supposed precious time he had to not only check out the taped game on the floor but to turn it on and go through the options. You also seemed to forget about Roy's initial fears about being in a pokemon battle. Even if he comes to terms about what's going on, it is, after all, a real pokemon battle that he's never, ever been in that can get him injured if not killed. At the very least, you should address that he got over it or something or was steadily gaining confidence/knowledge. You actually never really address his wounds either, like the supposed pain he received from being in the aerodactyl's talons, after the initial description of it.

    The read was easy enough to get through. While there was some character descriptive dumping (which I gotta say was unnecessary for the pokemon since you described their body parts through most of their actions anyway), it didn't hinder the enjoyment of the story. There was a decent balance between dialogue and narrative/description where you didn't just rely on dialogue to get through your story nor did you just babble on with description to the point that it sounds like you're just listing a series of events.

    Overall, I like the premise and am interested in where this is going.

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    Breezy! What a pleasant surprise for you to drop in and review! I'm really glad you are the first response to this thread besides the forever sarcastic and uppity KJT but ENOUGH ABOUT THAT.

    I realised even while I was editing that I just sometimes put in commas for fun and to make pauses sound more dramatic which is just NOT GOOD. Thanks for pointing a few of them out but not destroying my soul by listing every single one.

    The sentence in bold really doesn't fit in this paragraph; it feels like you randomly dropped in description because you felt like you needed to describe the boy as soon as you could when that's really not the case. Describe a character when appropriate and fits within context.
    Well you're completely right there. I got to the end and was like "the reader has no idea what Viceroy is wearing besides half a red tie!" so I just shoved some description in and was like "lol. hope nobody notices this descriptive punch in the face. But then you did >.<

    Thanks for pulling me up on it. I try to make it a bit of a game describing things a little at a time. Trying to drag it out rather than to just sucker punch the reader in one sentence.

    Unfortunately, right align, especially in a huge amount, is really distracting. It's really uncomfortable for your reader to jump back and forth between the left and right side of the screen (even worse if your reader has a huge screen) if the eye doesn't gradually move there (aka a regular sentence), and it's rather easy to get lost. You might want to try playing around with other forms of formatting to illustrated that the "game text" isn't necessarily part of the story but isn't as annoying to read. The triple indent, for example, is still in the left align but still separate enough for the reader to figure out that this isn't "regular narrative":
    And then I discovered that we have an indent feature! Well I plan to make use of this. I have Ruby Sapphire font on my computer but these STUUUPID forums won't let me use it. Unless I could somehow save the writing as an image... hmm... that would make editing more difficult. Triple indent is perfect. Thanks a bunch!

    Actually, I sort of get what you're doing with the short sentences here to illustrate some tight, quick action (or maybe I'm reading into structure and you didn't mean that lol), but there's a real choppy flow to this paragraph. It might be better to combine the "he moved his hand" sentence with the one following it.
    Um. . . yeah! I was er- totally trying to do that!

    Flinched his hand away" is awkward. I actually never read it in that sort of context. (I get "Vincent flinched and pulled his hand away ..." though.)
    You made the mistake I made, and will make fifty million times from now on. Maybe I could just change it to Vincent.

    Quote: The halo was made of ones and zeros which orbited the Aerodactyl quickly. Another spinning disk surrounded the Pokémon, which was now purely light. Countless halos of binary code surrounded the Pokémon until they compressed down to a very small size. The light faded, and a small cartridge dropped to the ground.
    Vaguely Digimon-ish, admittedly. =P
    I just realised that and when I read it I literally face palmed. We are NOT borrowing ideas from Digimon but a little game called Shin Megami Tensei Devil Survivor. I can understand how the floating binary could be likened to it so I changed it a bit. I hope everyone likes the new way Type Crack looks!

    It was a little awkward at times, specifically with Roy wanting to use what supposed precious time he had to not only check out the taped game on the floor but to turn it on and go through the options.
    I tried to make it clear that he had considered himself good as dead anyway. I think what he did in that situation was just trying to distract himself from the doom that loomed (lol rhyme) before him. He had given up. If there was a gun there well... let's just say he wouldn't be shooting the Aerodactyl.

    I totally get what you are saying though, I was concerned that someone would have problems with that. But it turned out good for him in the end right! :l

    You also seemed to forget about Roy's initial fears about being in a pokemon battle. Even if he comes to terms about what's going on, it is, after all, a real pokemon battle that he's never, ever been in that can get him injured if not killed. At the very least, you should address that he got over it or something or was steadily gaining confidence/knowledge.
    Well I did have that but SOMEONE (KJT) thought I was likening him too much like a certain psycho that we both know. Going from scared, to confident to just plain crazy with power. When we toned it back I didn't realise that his basic confidence was compromised, so I think I might put a few edits in the part where he lures the Aerodactyl through the pillar.

    You actually never really address his wounds either, like the supposed pain he received from being in the aerodactyl's talons, after the initial description of it.
    He was just getting squeezed really. Not wounds at all. I should have made that more clear (squeezing is different from ruptured vital organs right?)

    Breezy! What a pleasant surprise for you to drop in and review! I'm really glad you are the first response to this thread besides the forever sarcastic and uppity KJT but ENOUGH ABOUT THAT.

    I realised even while I was editing that I just sometimes put in commas for fun and to make pauses sound more dramatic which is just NOT GOOD. Thanks for pointing a few of them out but not destroying my soul by listing every single one.

    The sentence in bold really doesn't fit in this paragraph; it feels like you randomly dropped in description because you felt like you needed to describe the boy as soon as you could when that's really not the case. Describe a character when appropriate and fits within context.
    Well you're completely right there. I got to the end and was like "the reader has no idea what Viceroy is wearing besides half a red tie!" so I just shoved some description in and was like "lol. hope nobody notices this descriptive punch in the face. But then you did >.<

    Thanks for pulling me up on it. I try to make it a bit of a game describing things a little at a time. Trying to drag it out rather than to just sucker punch the reader in one sentence.

    Unfortunately, right align, especially in a huge amount, is really distracting. It's really uncomfortable for your reader to jump back and forth between the left and right side of the screen (even worse if your reader has a huge screen) if the eye doesn't gradually move there (aka a regular sentence), and it's rather easy to get lost. You might want to try playing around with other forms of formatting to illustrated that the "game text" isn't necessarily part of the story but isn't as annoying to read. The triple indent, for example, is still in the left align but still separate enough for the reader to figure out that this isn't "regular narrative":
    And then I discovered that we have an indent feature! Well I plan to make use of this. I have Ruby Sapphire font on my computer but these STUUUPID forums won't let me use it. Unless I could somehow save the writing as an image... hmm... that would make editing more difficult. Triple indent is perfect. Thanks a bunch!

    Actually, I sort of get what you're doing with the short sentences here to illustrate some tight, quick action (or maybe I'm reading into structure and you didn't mean that lol), but there's a real choppy flow to this paragraph. It might be better to combine the "he moved his hand" sentence with the one following it.
    Um. . . yeah! I was er- totally trying to do that!

    Flinched his hand away" is awkward. I actually never read it in that sort of context. (I get "Vincent flinched and pulled his hand away ..." though.)
    You made the mistake I made, and will make fifty million times from now on. Maybe I could just change it to Vincent.

    Quote: The halo was made of ones and zeros which orbited the Aerodactyl quickly. Another spinning disk surrounded the Pokémon, which was now purely light. Countless halos of binary code surrounded the Pokémon until they compressed down to a very small size. The light faded, and a small cartridge dropped to the ground.
    Vaguely Digimon-ish, admittedly. =P
    I just realised that and when I read it I literally face palmed. We are NOT borrowing ideas from Digimon but a little game called Shin Megami Tensei Devil Survivor. I can understand how the floating binary could be likened to it so I changed it a bit. I hope everyone likes the new way Type Crack looks!

    It was a little awkward at times, specifically with Roy wanting to use what supposed precious time he had to not only check out the taped game on the floor but to turn it on and go through the options.
    I tried to make it clear that he had considered himself good as dead anyway. I think what he did in that situation was just trying to distract himself from the doom that loomed (lol rhyme) before him. He had given up. If there was a gun there well... let's just say he wouldn't be shooting the Aerodactyl.

    I totally get what you are saying though, I was concerned that someone would have problems with that. But it turned out good for him in the end right! :l

    You also seemed to forget about Roy's initial fears about being in a pokemon battle. Even if he comes to terms about what's going on, it is, after all, a real pokemon battle that he's never, ever been in that can get him injured if not killed. At the very least, you should address that he got over it or something or was steadily gaining confidence/knowledge.
    Well I did have that but SOMEONE (KJT) thought I was likening him too much like a certain psycho that we both know. Going from scared, to confident to just plain crazy with power. When we toned it back I didn't realise that his basic confidence was compromised, so I think I might put a few edits in the part where he lures the Aerodactyl through the pillar.

    You actually never really address his wounds either, like the supposed pain he received from being in the aerodactyl's talons, after the initial description of it.
    He was just getting squeezed really. Not wounds at all. I should have made that more clear (squeezing is different from ruptured vital organs right?)

    The read was easy enough to get through. While there was some character descriptive dumping (which I gotta say was unnecessary for the pokemon since you described their body parts through most of their actions anyway), it didn't hinder the enjoyment of the story. There was a decent balance between dialogue and narrative/description where you didn't just rely on dialogue to get through your story nor did you just babble on with description to the point that it sounds like you're just listing a series of events.
    The fact that it is easy to read is one of my favorite comments from you. I find it really important than anyone can read this story and be entertained. Without having to trawl through disjointed paragraphs and such like.

    Overall, I like the premise and am interested in where this is going.
    Heehee, you said this about Match too.

    Thanks soo much Breezy! I think that this forum is so lucky to still have vets like you around. You add so much to the community with your mega knowledge.
    Lol.

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    I used Google translate and I got crap.
    Quote Originally Posted by Google Translate
    Absconditus Infensus = Enraged at a hidden
    Yea, very nice. (Not being sarcastic towards you but to GT.)
    Its something about a secret right? <<< I mean the title, not the storyline.

    So anyway, love the storyline. I mean, I read the first chapter and I liked it already, and that's something. Can't wait for the few chapters. Is it a "Game" or something else, that I'm hoping to find out then.


    <<< Yea I kick butt. Care to battle me? JOIN FIRST.

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    .....I am in awe. It would be horrible to be in a church when a Pokemon crashes in on you.

    I really enjoyed your writing. It's nice to have a story with description as to what is going on, and I enjoy not being bombarded by too much dialogue. I cannot wait to see more!

    I'm not really the best critiquer...so this is all I have for now >>

    (Also, yes. Boarding school [I]is[I] ugh, seeing as mine blocked the website you posted the link too.)

    Thanks to Peter at The Peters Art Shop

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    Quote Originally Posted by MudkipsAreAwesome View Post
    I used Google translate and I got crap.

    Yea, very nice. (Not being sarcastic towards you but to GT.)
    Its something about a secret right? <<< I mean the title, not the storyline.

    So anyway, love the storyline. I mean, I read the first chapter and I liked it already, and that's something. Can't wait for the few chapters. Is it a "Game" or something else, that I'm hoping to find out then.
    Well you are half right with the title. One of the words means hidden. Also, the initials of the title is part of it too!

    I'm really glad you are enjoying the story and in the next chapter will you find out of this is a "game" or something more sinister

    Thanks so much for your comment! It's really inspiring and it helps us write faster!

    Quote Originally Posted by Ttone1224 View Post
    .....I am in awe. It would be horrible to be in a church when a Pokemon crashes in on you.

    I really enjoyed your writing. It's nice to have a story with description as to what is going on, and I enjoy not being bombarded by too much dialogue. I cannot wait to see more!

    I'm not really the best critiquer...so this is all I have for now >>

    (Also, yes. Boarding school [I]is[I] ugh, seeing as mine blocked the website you posted the link too.)
    Thanks! None of my writing is very heavy on dialog although I suspect there may be a bit in the next chapter but never any heavy script-like stuff.

    Don't worry about being good at critiquing, the fact that you read this and said you liked it is heaps already!
    Lol.

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    Default Thanks for the reviews ;)

    Well, I've got some time on my hand, so I'm gonna reply to our reviewers! Why didn't I do this way earlier? I'm not entirely sure :/

    @Breezy: Thanks! I (I don't know if I can speak for ML) didn't even realize that we had comma splice problems (TBH, I didn't know what a clause was until I googled it). I'll put some effort in to recognize our comma splices in future chapters, I'm sure I've done that like a million times in chapter two already - but I'll try fix that! Also, thanks for the advice on indenting. I'll practice it now . . .

    So I'm glad you're enjoying the story so far!

    @MudkipsAreAwesome: Thanks! You're liking the story already? THAT'S GREAT! Like ML said, you'll find out if it's a "game" or not . . . and google translate sucks :/ TBH, I've forgotten what it means too . . .

    @Ttone1224: Thanks! (is that sounding repetitive?) We don't mind if you're not the best critique, your reply still means a lot

    So, the next chapter should be up on (or maybe before) the tenth. I'm excited 'cause it was my turn to direct the story . . . you'll see what that means.

    Also, no one's said anything about a Sentret beating an Aerodactyl . . . we argued over this lol
    ┓┏ 凵 =╱⊿┌┬┐

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    Default Chapter 2 - Scuffle at the Car Park

    Ok, so I guess . . . here's chapter two.

    ---

    Chapter Two: Scuffle at the Car Park

    “Pokemon” – SEARCH RESULTS:

    . . . BUG COLLECTING . . .

    Pass.

    . . . MOMS TALK . . .

    Nope.

    . . . POKEMON TO INVADE

    Finally something! Oh . . .

    POKEMON TO INVADE MCDONALDS HAPPY MEALS THIS JUNE.

    The girl jammed the power button of her laptop in frustration. It was no surprise to her to see a tired, baggy eyed face frowning back at her from the reflective black screen. The ancient laptop made a forced click as she shut it in defeat.

    “Still, nothing,” she complained.

    A crackled, slightly cynical voice replied from her pocket, <Told you so. You won’t find anything on the internet.>

    “Shut up, you,” she said, pulling a red rectangle out of her shorts pocket. Without opening the console, she flicked the volume off so her partner's banter was silenced. She quickly filed her laptop into her leather shoulder bag.

    She shivered suddenly – the white shirt of her school uniform stood no chance against the menacing breeze. Eager to snuggle into her jacket, she headed back towards school. After a minutes’ walk she began to walk back in the opposite direction.

    Stupid Cece, you left your jacket in your car, not in your locker! Why’d they have to put the student parks so far away from the actual school? Today’s not your day . . .

    Cece began her trek towards her car. Feeling slightly remorseful she retrieved her DS Lite out of her pocket and turned the volume back up.

    <Thank you very much,> replied the voice from the DS.

    “Is that sarcasm?” Cece joked. “I’d be nicer to me if I were you.” She began to toggle the sound up and down.

    <–op do– that y– cra– –tch, ST– –T!>

    Cece smirked before turning the sound back up to full. She was now walking across the school’s grassy sports field. She frowned with disamusement. Although the dark clouds of the morning had scattered, the rain that had fallen was still present, soaking her exposed ankles.

    Maybe it wouldn’t be a bad idea to ditch these shorts for winter. Or maybe just get some decent socks.

    Cece’s trivial thoughts were interrupted by her partner. <Anyway, what’s our next plan of action?>

    Cece rolled her eyes. Upon realising that her partner couldn’t see her, she clarified, “I’m rolling my eyes you know.”

    <This just proves that Pokémon are far more intelligent than humans.> The last word was hung on with distaste.

    “Oh, so I suppose you’ve got an idea, Poké prat?” Cece huffed as she staggered up a hill, narrowly avoiding slipping back down the slope. After a moment of silence, she declared, “I guess we just keep doing what we’re doing.”

    <Do I have any choice but to agree?>

    “Not really,” Cece laughed.

    Conquering the hill had led her to her destination – the fenced stretch of asphalt that was the school’s car park. At the far corner was her car – a small white Toyota that had spanned several owners.

    <Wait!>

    “Huh?” she replied, slightly taken aback by the caution.

    <There’s someone else here. I can tell. Hide!>

    Following her partner’s advice, Cece sprinted to the side behind a black Mercedes that put her car to shame. She then popped her light haired head out to look for her company.

    Sure enough, a few feet away from her car she spotted a dark haired boy dressed in the familiar navy blazer and long gray pants of the school uniform. In his hand was a DS. Running around him was a small, stubby legged quadruped. A glint of sunlight reflected off its metallic body and its football shaped head.

    Someone else with a Pokémon? Isn’t he in one of my classes? His name . . . Vincent? No . . . ah! Viceroy. But what’s he doing? Oh. He tapped his DS. The Pokémon’s glowing – using an attack? It’s running . . . towards my car?!

    Cece cringed as she heard the unpleasant sound of metal colliding with metal. She opened her eyes to see a deep football shaped dent in the hood of her car.

    <What was that?>

    Cece’s expression changed from disbelief to fury in an instant. “Call it a hunch, but I think they just trashed my car.” Like usual, Cece let her temper get the best of her before she could think it through. She stood up, walked forward and screeched, “WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING TO MY CAR?”

    Viceroy looked at her, clearly surprised. He then brought his DS closer to his face and spoke into it. “Why didn’t you tell me earlier that someone else was here?”

    <I wasn’t paying attention!>

    “Sorry to interrupt your thrilling conversation,” said Cece, “but what have you done to my car?”

    Don’t just stare at me! Answer my question . . . if you’re going to use abuse Pokémon . . . especially to bust my car!

    Getting impatient, Cece opened her DS – which was still in her hand – and dug a pale green rectangular cartridge out of a small pocket in her shoulder bag. She inserted it into the bottom slot of her DS. Text danced around the bottom screen.

    HANDLER <CHIKORITA>
    PERMISSION TO BOOT?

    Cece knew what would come next and tapped the “Y” almost the instant it appeared.

    <CHIKORITA> BOOTING. INITIATING POKEMON SUMMONING PROGRAM

    Cece held her DS away from her head and tried not to look at the screen – she’d learnt by now that the bright lights and screechy noise that accompanied summoning a Pokémon weren’t kind to human senses. She did however look to the side to see a small green Pokémon with a large leaf protruding out of its pear shaped head. The Chikorita looked with determination at its foe. Cece looked back at the screen in time to see a familiar message.

    <CHIKORITA> SUMMONED

    “Ready, Chikorita?” Cece asked her partner. The Pokémon nodded in response. She then confronted her opponent. “What do you think you’re doing?”

    Cece was greeted with a sheepish reply. “I was just testing out this new cartridge I got . . .”

    Cece shook her head. “I’m going to smash you and your Pokémon! That’ll teach you for messing with my car!”

    “It was an accident!” he pleaded. “Look, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have been so rash but it’s just so cool having a Pokémon! It’s natural to want to test it out. Maybe I can pay for this damage?”

    Cece considered this for a moment then shook her head again. “If you can’t handle a Pokémon, you shouldn’t have one.” She couldn’t wait to battle once again and took the opportunity to attack first. She tapped the first selection on her screen, <RAZOR LEAF>.

    Chikorita dashed forward and swung its large leaf with a flick of its head. From the larger foliage few several smaller leaves, all directed at the boy’s big eyed Pokémon. It made no attempt to dodge – for a good reason – every leaf bounced effortlessly off its steel body.

    “Cool, Aron,” muttered Viceroy into the microphone of his DS. He then tapped an option on his DS.

    The Aron took on a white glow and shot towards Chikorita. Surprised at the speed of its foe, Chikorita barely managed to dive to the side to avoid the Take Down. Roy hastily tapped another option on the screen – Aron pivoted around to face Chikorita, and lifted a glowing leg into the air. Using the full weight of its body it struck Chikorita along its flank.

    That Pokémon’s powerful – and how can it be that fast AND have armour that hard? Shouldn’t that slow it down? I need something faster than Chikorita . . .

    Cece tugged out the cartridge at the bottom of her DS – her Chikorita was bathed in light. After replacing the pale green cartridge with another red-orange one, the light morphed into a new shape; a blue and cream mouse-like Pokémon with a long snout. It’s most distinctive feature however, was the fire burning vigorously atop its back.

    “Wow, this is mean!” Viceroy gasped. “Think you can handle it Aron?”

    <Do you think I could ever live it down if I let this girl beat me?>

    Cece was also conversing with her partner. “It’s a steel type, right Cyndaquil? So we use fire moves.” She didn’t mean for this to be a question; she’d already commanded Cyndaquil to attack.

    Cyndaquil sprinted forward on its tiny legs and then curled into a ball. The flame on its back spread to cover its whole body; it continued rolling, a red disc. Somehow, it became even faster, and smashed into the Aron. The Pokémon’s steel armour had little effect; it was sent tumbling along the asphalt, its hard body leaving a distinguished dent in the ground.

    Both Cece and her adversary had decided on their next move; they tapped the screens of their DS in near unison. Aron was the first to move, attempting another Take Down attack. It was slower and more sluggish this time; Cyndaquil’s Flame Wheel had taken its toll. The fire mouse in mention sprinted out of the way easily; it then retaliated with an Ember, shooting searing bullets of flame at Aron. Aron lowered its head and slumped down at the force of the attack.

    This was enough to prompt Viceroy to swap his Pokémon’s form. He pulled out the rock gray cartridge from his DS. His Aron glowed white for a moment, then he tapped the bottom screen. The light that held Aron stretched to twice its size, and disappeared; leaving behind a frustrated looking Sentret, balancing on its striped tail.

    So you’re going back to your base form, eh? What’re you playing at? Why’re you leaving yourself so vulnerable? This doesn’t add up . . . whatever. This’ll just make beating him SO much easier!

    “Let’s wrap this up Cyndaquil. Maybe he’s just giving in, reverting back to his base form that quickly.”

    <Probably. Hey, can I try something new?>

    Cece’s face lit up with wonder. Her partner had never asked her that before. She looked down at her touch screen to see a new attack, flashing flamboyantly, just asking to be used. She tapped the touch screen with the tip of her fingernail.

    <DIG>

    Cyndaquil scratched at the ground furiously; it was a surprise to both students that the fire mouse could cut through the asphalt – let alone dig a hole deep enough to conceal it.

    That’s going to leave a mark. Should’ve thought THAT through.

    Sentret’s whole body turned rigid as it listened for the sound of Cyndaquil tearing through the earth. It wasn’t hard; both students could also hear the scratching noise Cyndaquil was making. Despite this, Sentret’s tiny eyes opened wide as Cyndaquil shot up from beneath it, hitting it square in the chest. The Sentret retreated back several paces, but never once took its eyes off Cyndaquil.

    “Let’s wrap this up!” Cece cried, “Cyndaquil use–”

    RIIIINNNNGGG!

    Dam! That’s the end of last period – I’ve got to finish this quickly! Everyone’s heading to their cars and I can’t let them see this! Cece hastily tapped <EMBER>.

    Cyndaquil’s snout saluted the sun as it fired another round of hot shots at Sentret. The agile Pokémon evaded the attack easily, no longer troubled by being in the form of an Aron. It zigzagged manically towards Cyndaquil. Both of its small paws glowed white; it flexed them as it ran.

    Cyndaquil sidestepped, trying to predict its enemy’s movement, but found difficulty in the zigzag pattern. Sentret sneakily strayed off to the left – seemingly avoiding Cyndaquil – before dashing quickly back towards it. The fire mouse attempted a dive-dodge, but Sentret sped up, and–

    <Oh ****> swore Cyndaquil, its profanity bleeped by the DS’s swear filter.

    Sentret scraped its tiny claws across Cyndaquil’s face, the injured Pokémon lying flat on its back. Cece hurriedly tapped <EMBER> once more, becoming frustrated when the attack didn’t work.

    <I can’t use fire attacks if my flame’s out!>

    I guess I’ll have to give up – this time. But you better sleep with your eyes open tonight . . .

    With a sigh, Cece tapped the <RECALL> present on her touch screen. Cyndaquil quickly faded into nothingness; Viceroy did the same to his Sentret. Just in time too – the first group of students had come close enough to see exactly what was going on.

    “It’s a shame,” Viceroy said, “that I couldn’t finish you off.” He turned to leave, adding, “There’s always next time.”

    Cece stormed after him, getting close so their conversation wasn’t overheard. “Is that right?” she snapped, quietly but angrily. “I was gonna delete that Sentret of yours!”

    “Nice car Cece!” someone mocked, a voice that Cece couldn’t bother to remember now that her car had been brought to her attention. She blushed at the remark though, lowering her chin and pushing her DS into her pocket.

    I wonder how long it’ll take for dad to fix this – wait! If that Aron damaged the hood then what about . . .

    “THE ENGINE!” Cece yelled, scrambling over to the mutilated hood of her car. The tips of her fingers gripped the end of the dusty hood and she heaved against the damaged metal. She had no luck; the hood stayed firmly in place. She sighed before her expression became a sinister frown.

    I’m going to massacre that boy, chop him into little pieces and sprinkle them over a volcano!

    “Need a hand Cece?” asked a familiar – and pesky – voice.

    Oh God, NO. Just when I though this couldn’t get any worse . . .

    <Have fun,> teased her Pokémon from the safety of the DS.

    A tall boy approached, and rested an elbow on the roof of her damaged vehicle. He cocked an eyebrow and unleashed a cheesy white smile.

    “Richard, I’m fine. Just leave me alone,” Cece commanded.

    “You know you don’t mean that!” he mused, sauntering over to her side. “You just need a little more . . .”

    He heaved at the crumpled hood of the car, attempting to lift the flap of metal. He pushed upwards with his knees and pulled with his arms until he was red in the face. With an exhausted sight and a bowed back, he admitted defeat. He pulled his hands through his flat brown hair, and looked away, embarrassed.

    “Well that was a big help,” Cece pointed out.

    Richard’s face lit up again. “I guess you’ll just have to walk home then!” he cried, almost jumping in the air.

    NO! He’s bad enough at school; I can’t let him know where I live!

    “Yo, Richard! Stop harassing that chick!” Viceroy strolled over. His black schoolbag hung low over one shoulder.

    Chick? Oh I am SO going to get you, just you wait . . .

    Richard turned to face his old friend, unsure of how to act. They’d once been best friends, inseparable from each other, but now . . . he was almost sizing up the shorter boy, protecting his potential mate from an estranged friend. He looked murderous. He’d always fancied Cece – to her disdain – and Viceroy knew it. Was his once close friend about to screw this up for him?

    <Skuxxx,> whispered the teasing voice of Sentret from Viceroy’s pocket. He quickly fished around for the volume button and slid it off.

    “I’m sorry Richard, but me and Cece need to talk.” Viceroy met Cece’s eyes, he gave her a “play along to get the stalker gone” look.

    Richard went red, his face contrasting with his fair complexion. He opened his mouth a few times in protest then snapped it shut again. He glared at Viceroy and then dropped his eyes down. “I have some stuff I need to do anyway,” he mumbled as he turned to leave.

    Both Cece and Viceroy waited until he reluctantly walked away; he spared them a final glance before disappearing around the corner. The pair moved out of the way of the oncoming traffic, leaving Roy, Cece and her damaged car. Cece pulled out a cheap looking Nokia out of her bag and selected her only speed dial number. She put her phone up to her ear and never once met Roy’s eyes.

    “Can you pick me up from school?”

    “My car’s screwed . . .”

    “It’d be faster to walk home . . .”

    “Yea, love you too. Thanks anyway.” Cece ended the call and slotted her phone back into her bag.

    Viceroy took his opportunity. “Where’d you–“

    “Hey! Roy!”

    Roy looked over his shoulder. Approaching him was his friend Shayna. She flicked her hand through her orange hair as she waved hello to him. Her uniform was the same as Cece; except she made an effort to wear it properly – shirt tucked in, tie done up. As she got closer, she took notice of Cece. “Oh, you’re . . . Cece, right?” The friendlier girl tried to strike up conversation. “Aren’t you in our English class?” She looked towards Roy for conformation.

    “Yea, she is.”

    “So,” chirped Shayna, “what’re you two doin’?”

    “Nothing,” replied the pair in unison, both sounding awfully suspicious. Cece attempted to cover, “I was just leaving.” She habitually turned towards her car; upon remembering that it was in no condition to be driven, turned back toward the school. She then turned back after remembering why she’d come to the parking lot in the first place.

    Shayna picked up on this. “What happened to your car?” Nobody spoke. “Do you need a ride home too, Cece?”

    “No thanks,” replied Cece as politely as she could. Although this girl’s bubbly attitude was quickly getting on her nerves, she was trying to be nice . . .

    “Oh . . . ok then.” Shayna walked towards her black Mercedes, the only other car left in the parking lot. She unlocked the door and waited in the driver’s seat for Roy. She pretended to be busy as Cece bid her farewell to Roy.

    “Thanks I guess,” she said regretfully,” for getting rid of him – but you realise that I’m going to have to walk home from now on?”

    “You could’ve gotten a ride home with Shayna.”

    “That’s not the point!” Cece snapped. She sighed. “Never mind!” She finally turned to leave, strolling confidently toward her car. She unlocked the passenger seat, grabbed her jacket and slammed the door shut. Just as Roy opened the door to Shayna’s car, she shouted, “Screw you for wrecking my car!”

    As soon as the pair had driven off, Cece’s partner spoke up. <So . . . what if even more people have Pokémon?>

    I don’t think I have that much imagination. If someone dumber than him got their hands on something as powerful as a Pokémon . . .

    Cece didn’t reply to her Pokémon. She fumbled through her bag for her cell phone and pretended to text. As if it could see through her façade, her Pokémon spoke.

    <It would be utter chaos. Face it Cece.>

    Cece groaned at the down buzz comment of her Pokémon. It got in a last few words before Cece jammed the volume button down.

    <Peaceful days are over.>

    ---

    Nothing's really going here, it just I started the story with a ---, so I feel I should end it with one too . . . yea. If you made it this far, thanks for reading. Oh but if you skipped to the bottom, go back up to the top!
    Last edited by Becoming; 15th June 2011 at 10:15 PM.
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    Whoops, I took a long time to get these notes up.

    Authors Notes

    -This chapter was mainly directed by KJT and I hope the slightly different style pleases you.

    -This chapter has been much more shared than Chapter One because we sent it back and forth more times. I hope that the extensive nitpicking has paid off!

    -The introduction of a few characters has lengthened the chapter out dialogue-wise but I think that the action really made up for it.

    -A key plot element has been introduced and I hope it isn't too confusing for the reader to comprehend. Please inform us if you have any questions so we can fix them up!

    Also the latest the next chapter will come out is the 23rd of June
    Last edited by moonlightning; 15th June 2011 at 7:26 AM.
    Lol.

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    Quote Originally Posted by moonlightning View Post

    -A key plot element has been introduced and I hope it isn't too confusing for the reader to comprehend. Please inform us if you have any questions so we can fix them up!

    wonderful chapter, I can find no fault.

    XD

    I'm guessing that the plot element you speak of is the fact each trainer seems to only have one transforming pokemon?

    Anyway, I'm am quickly becoming a fan of this series just for its quick departure from the usual formula, every thing so far has been unexpected.


    btw, I'm awarding this fic bonus points for using aron, the coolest first evolution in hoenn.

    :D
    Chapter Four, Touching down globally!

    banner by Sweetmay!
    fc:2809-8345-0268

        Spoiler:- Pokemon personality test and such:

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    Quote Originally Posted by flameswy View Post
    wonderful chapter, I can find no fault.

    XD

    I'm guessing that the plot element you speak of is the fact each trainer seems to only have one transforming pokemon?

    Anyway, I'm am quickly becoming a fan of this series just for its quick departure from the usual formula, every thing so far has been unexpected.


    btw, I'm awarding this fic bonus points for using aron, the coolest first evolution in hoenn.

    I'm glad that you didn't find any errors! It was something me and KJT were trying hard to crack down on. The plot element I was meaning was the fact that the Pokemon can change form so you're sort of right

    Aron is a cool Pokemon right? One of my favorites I must say.
    Lol.

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    loved the new chapter, but just one question.

    This is set in New Zealand right? Of course it is, no where else that I know of uses the term skux. So with that in mind my question is this. When you say football shaped head do you mean rugby ball or soccer ball? Or are you just pandering to the American audience who's best representation of Aron's head would be an American football?

    Chikorita FTW

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    @flameswy: thanks That's what we're trying for, un-expectancy. And yay, a bonus point! Horrah!

    @Infernalmonk: yup, it's set in NZ. WHERE in NZ . . . well that's like at the very start of the next chapter! I thought the term "skux" was very well known, because when you google "define: s" skux is the second suggestion . . . when we say football shaped head, it's a rugby ball. We are pandering to American audiences, because I used the idea from Hey Arnold. lol he's always called football head XD

    CHIKORITA FTW!
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    Quote Originally Posted by Infernalmonk View Post
    loved the new chapter, but just one question.

    This is set in New Zealand right? Of course it is, no where else that I know of uses the term skux. So with that in mind my question is this. When you say football shaped head do you mean rugby ball or soccer ball? Or are you just pandering to the American audience who's best representation of Aron's head would be an American football?

    Chikorita FTW
    Haha you're completely right. Although I'm sure KJT would be more impressed seeing as he hadn't talked about it with you to quite some lengths beforehand. Thanks a bunch for commenting. And I think skux is more worldwide than you might think. (Overusing the word think I think.)

    EDIT: CHIKORITA FTW

    DOUBLE EDIT: This has been around for 15 days but has had 400+ views. If we continue at this pace...
    Last edited by moonlightning; 15th June 2011 at 7:25 AM.
    Lol.

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    Quote Originally Posted by kjt View Post
    Without opening the console, she flicked the volume off so her partners banter was silenced.
    Partner's.

    “Sorry to interrupt your thrilling conversation,” said Cece, “but what have you done to my car?”

    Don’t just stare at me! Answer my question . . . if you’re going to use abuse Pokémon . . . especially to bust my car!
    The transition here is a little odd; you might want to indicate that Viceroy didn't respond or something.

    Cece hurriedly tapped <EMBER> once more; becoming frustrated when the attack didn’t work.
    Semicolon in red should be a comma.

    Cece stormed after him; getting close so their conversation wasn’t overheard.
    Same here. Think of semicolons as weaker periods; both sections on each side of the semicolon should be able to stand as their own sentence. They are used to illustrate a close relationship/theme between the two sentences. For example, if you wanted to use the semicolon, you would have to change up the part after the semicolon so it can stand alone as its own sentence.

    Cece stormed after him; she got closer so their conversation wasn't overheard.

    “Nice car Cece!” someone mocked; a voice that Cece couldn’t bother to remember now that her car had been brought to her attention.
    I'll let you guess what the semicolon should be. It kind of distorts the sentence a little if you keep it.

    Richard turned to face his old friend, unsure of how to act. They’d once been best friends, inseparable from each other, but now . . . he was almost sizing up the shorter boy, protecting his potential mate from an estranged friend. He looked murderous. He’d always fancied Cece – to her distain – and Viceroy knew it. Was his once close friend about to screw this up for him?
    Disdain.

    I do get what you're doing with this paragraph, but it is a bit awkwardly placed and a bit of an information dump. We could already tell in the interaction that Cece isn't entirely fond of Richard anymore while Richard is all over Cece and wants to be her "knight in shining armor," so I'm also debating if this paragraph was entirely necessary beside the small descriptive bits ("he looked murderous" and whatnot).

    “That’s not the point!” Cece snapped. She sighted.
    Sighed?

    I kind of like this chapter a little better. While the first chapter has that feeling of surrealism and awe, and rightfully so considering it was Roy's first encounter with any sort of pokemon (in a church of all places), this chapter felt more present, more "in the moment." You guys did well with explaining some of the basic information that needed to be known, like what the "base form" is and some other stuff that I don't remember but found interesting when I read it. I particularly think you did well with characterizing Cece in this chapter; we really got a sense of her personality a few sentences into the chapter, and she's pretty kickass if I do say so myself. It was also nice to see Roy in a more ... "normal" scenario (as normal as this situation can be) who appears to be friendly, albeit a little cocky (or putting on a facade), and still bewildered about having a pokemon. The description, in terms of characters, was better in this chapter, too.

    I also like the battle sequence. I think these DS and cartridge crap is a nice spin of the whole pokemon thaaaang, though admittedly it still slightly reminds me of other monster-controlled animes. Still, it's an refreshing take for pokemon fanfiction.

    The only glaring problem was the semicolon issue that I pointed out. There weren't anymore comma splice problems, so kudos for that (though I'd be amused if chapter 3 had comma splice problems but no semicolon problems =P).

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    Thank you, thank you, thank you for the review!

    The corrections are mega helpful, hopefully after we get more used to editing we will have eyes as sharp as yours eh?

    I
    kind of like this chapter a little better. While the first chapter has that feeling of surrealism and awe, and rightfully so considering it was Roy's first encounter with any sort of pokemon (in a church of all places), this chapter felt more present, more "in the moment."
    KJT insists this means that he is better than me, but I wrote half of this chapter anyway! It's good to know the first chapter had the "awe" factor. That's what we were going for!

    You guys did well with explaining some of the basic information that needed to be known, like what the "base form" is and some other stuff that I don't remember but found interesting when I read it.
    That's good. We tried to make sure not to overwhelm the reader with an information dump of any kind. Trying to let details slip slowly over a long period of time broken up by dialogue and action. I'm so glad it worked!

    I particularly think you did well with characterizing Cece in this chapter; we really got a sense of her personality a few sentences into the chapter, and she's pretty kickass if I do say so myself.
    I'll admit it. Cece is a really cool character that KJT came up with. I find writing her and reading her pretty fun too.

    It was also nice to see Roy in a more ... "normal" scenario (as normal as this situation can be) who appears to be friendly, albeit a little cocky (or putting on a facade), and still bewildered about having a pokemon. The description, in terms of characters, was better in this chapter, too.
    More good news! Roy enjoys normal situations more than "I'm going to die" situations so he was able to express himself a bit more.

    I also like the battle sequence. I think these DS and cartridge crap is a nice spin of the whole pokemon thaaaang, though admittedly it still slightly reminds me of other monster-controlled animes. Still, it's an refreshing take for pokemon fanfiction.
    I haven't seen many monster animes so I don't know but I really fell in love with the cartriages as soon as I came up with them. I'm glad to hear they are refreshing.

    The only glaring problem was the semicolon issue that I pointed out. There weren't anymore comma splice problems, so kudos for that (though I'd be amused if chapter 3 had comma splice problems but no semicolon problems =P).
    I am now the semicolon police and KJT is the comma police. We are highlighting semicolons and commas red so we can easily spot them. That way they can't get up to any mischief.

    Again, thanks for reviewing! You are really appreciated!
    Lol.

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    @Breezy: thank for reviewing! It's good to know that we've (hopefully) mastered comma splicing . . . only to progress into semicolon problems! But we'll keep working on them 'til we get it perfect (what other kind of problems are there, I wonder?) It's good that you like Cece, and yes, she is kickass. The only monster control animes that I know of are Digimon . . . but yay you think it's refreshing. It's quite original, if I do say so myself (crosses fingers that no one here plays Devil Survivor).

    @Whoever cares: we're starting a PM list. Just post in the thread to be on it. Well with a due date it's a bit redundant but . . .
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    Sorry that this is late; I've been really sick. It's my personal favorite chapter so far, I hope you all agree!


    Chapter Three: Confrontations and Revelations.

    Viceroy stepped out from the warm shelter of his house, only to be greeted by the frigid wind that swept through the city of Dunedin. He shuddered and progressed forward along the icy streets, grateful of his navy blazer protecting him from the worst of the chill.

    <Having an nICE time?> Sentret chimed into his ears.

    Viceroy moved down the steep street, placing his shoes carefully to avoid any black ice. He was late as always; there were no other students around. If it was a normal day, he might’ve seen a few pedestrians here and there, but today, anyone that could avoid winter’s cold was tucked up inside.

    <Come on VICEy! Don’t give me the cold shoulder!>

    Viceroy chuckled at the pun. “Whoever programmed you really found it necessary for puns to be in your databanks?”

    Sentret growled a sound of wild static. <Hmmph.>

    Viceroy continued his wander to school, thankful that the street had flattened out. Despite his hands being stuffed tightly into his trouser pockets, the cold still managed to sneak in. The sky was a heavy grey; the morning light filtered through the clouds like cracks through concrete. Suddenly a huge gust of cold wind hit Viceroy. He shuddered and turned his shoulder toward the fierce gale.

    <WAIT! Something isn’t right. I can sense something!>

    The boy retrieved his glossy black DS from his pocket and flicked the screen open. He found out recently that he didn’t need bother pressing the buttons on the touch screen as he could utilize the microphone instead.

    “Boot handler, Sentret,” he commanded.

    He held the DS away from his face as the flashing lights and screeching noises started. With a sizzling and a few sparks Sentret materialized before him. The Pokémon’s long rabbit-like ears were rolled close up to itself and its tail was wrapped around its midsection.

    <Damn, it’s freezing today!>

    “What’s wrong?” Viceroy chided, “I think you need to cool off.”

    Ahead of them a blue laser blast struck a car, causing all the windows to shatter. Another laser beam: a lamppost snapped at its foundation and fell to the ground, landing beside someone’s trampoline in a frosty heap. Sentret turned to Roy, squinting its eyes from the sub-zero winds.

    <That’s an Ice Beam! There’s a Pokémon running rampant here!>

    “Right,” Viceroy said, “Let‘s crack it!”

    The two of them ran forward, skidding a few times on the slick ground. They rounded the corner to where the attack had originated from. Before them was a small cone-like creature. Its large eyes were empty and black like the Aerodactyl that had attacked them a few days prior. It wore a yellow cloak around its stubby body. Upon seeing Viceroy it opened its mouth wide . . .

    Sentret tackled the boy to the ground. They landed on the rough pavement, Viceroy struggling to hold onto his DS. The icy blast sailed overhead and smashed through a window, causing shards of glass and ice to fly about.

    I think that’s a Snorunt. An ice type.

    Viceroy held the DS close to his face as he reviewed his options.

    <SENTRET>

    COMMAND FUNCTION?

    >TACKLE<
    >GROWL<
    >FURY SWIPES<
    >HEADBUTT<

    Right, I need to hit this Pokémon hard before somebody gets badly injured - namely me. Why is it running loose like this? Where is the person who summoned it?

    “Sentret, use Headbutt!” Viceroy ordered.

    <Got it!> the Pokémon responded.

    Sentret charged forward at the Snorunt. The ice type raised its spherical hands into the air and released an Icy Wind attack. The freezing gale smacked into the charging Sentret, causing it to topple over. With a smile on its face Snorunt tottered forward a few paces before unleashing another Ice Beam.

    Sentret was helpless; the laser blast hit it directly, causing it to roll across the ground like a rag doll. A lot of profanity bleeped at Viceroy through his DS while the Pokémon skidded about. It eventually came to a stop in a frozen gutter.

    This isn’t working. Looks like we’re going to have to change types!

    Viceroy pulled from his pocket a gray GBA cartridge. He slotted it into the bottom of his DS. Sentret became shrouded in a bright light before its form was condensed into the silver armored Aron. The Pokémon stood on its four stubby legs, unaffected by the cold.

    <Now this is what I’m talking about!>

    <ARON>

    COMMAND FUNCTION?

    >TACKLE<
    >GROWL<
    >METAL CLAW<
    >HEADBUTT<

    “Aron, let’s attack! Use Metal Claw!”

    The quadruped sped forward, its cone like legs gripping the ground. Snorunt let out a startled cry as the steel plated body of Aron approached. Aron leapt into the air, its front legs glowing white. It slashed across Snorunt’s face, leaving two deep marks. A red aura lifted from Aron’s boy indicating that its attack had been raised.

    “Perfect, now we have the advantage! Aron, use Headbutt!”

    <Got it chief!>

    Aron moved forward at the stumbling Snorunt. The cheeky Pokémon wasn’t going to give up; it released a powerful Ice Beam from its large mouth. The attack hit Aron straight on its football shaped head. The attack slipped around the Pokémon’s smooth body. Aron charged into Snorunt and kept running until they both slammed into a concrete fence at a huge speed. The impact caused Snorunt to disintegrate into small pixels.

    INITIATE TYPE CRACK?

    “Initiate type crack,” Viceroy said. “Great work Aron.”

    *

    “So what’s up with that girl Cece anyway? What was she saying about you trashing her car? Did you?” Shayna spoke quickly but quietly, fully aware that she shouldn’t be chatting in the classroom.

    “Dunno,” replied Viceroy. He was unable to concentrate on both his work and talking to Shayna, so he made a half hearted attempt at both. He glanced over at Shayna’s work and scribbled down a few words of what she’d written.

    “Shhh,” quieted an assertive voice from beside Shayna. “Some people are trying to work here . . .”

    “Oops,” giggled Shayna. “Oh snap. Uh, Charity, you wouldn’t happen to have a spare pen?” She gave a warm smile to the slightly chubby girl sitting beside her.

    “Sure thing.” Charity slid her classmate a multicolored pen, without lifting her eyes or pen off the page. The studious girl’s hair was “red” – not the natural kind akin to Shayna’s, but a bloody, unnatural color that was obviously dyed.

    “Thank you,” mouthed Shayna as their history teacher strolled past their desk. If he’d had any more wrinkles, you could almost believe his rants about World War I were true. As soon as she was sure the walking fossil was out of earshot, Shayna continued chatting. “You weren’t snogging Cece, were you?”

    Both Viceroy and Charity s******ed at this suggestion. “Hell no,” chortled Viceroy.

    Despite the fact she hardly knew Cece, Shayna came to her defense. “She’s alright . . .” Unfortunately, she had nothing to back up her statement.

    “She’s a loser,” argued Charity. “She’s ditched for like half of the school year. Even when she’s here, she’s always late. And all she has to say for herself is ‘sorry.’”

    RIIINNNG! RIIINNNG! RIIINN–

    Shayna fumbled around her pockets to turn her phone off, hoping the hearing impaired teacher had missed the noise. He hadn’t.

    “Uh, what was that?”

    “The bell!” lied Shayna enthusiastically, eager to cover her breaking of the school rules. No one dared contradict her, but Charity spared her a scowl, to which she shrugged at.

    “Pack up please,” rasped the teacher.

    There was a ruckus of moving books and stationary as the class left the lesson. On the way out, Shayna received a series of hi-fives for her sneaky deed.

    “Nice going,” congratulated Viceroy as he gave Shayna her final hi-five.

    “Thanks,” she replied, grinning wildly.

    As always, Charity was the one to bring them down to earth. “What if the teacher finds out about this? You’ll be in heaps of trouble.”

    “Oh relax!” Shayna placed a hand on Charity’s shoulder. “That old fart’ll never figure it out.” After a giggle she added, “Unless someone tells him . . .” Following another scowl from Charity, she attempted a British accent. “Don’t get your knickers in a twist.”

    Charity smiled – no one could resist Shayna’s bubbly charm. Shayna looked to her side, hoping to see a matching grin on Viceroy’s face.

    He wasn’t there.

    *

    Where is that girl? Maybe I should check at the office to see if she’s even here today . . . that’s a bit suspicious though. Maybe if I find Richard. He should have a fair idea of where his obsession is.

    Viceroy had spent the first half of the day searching for Cece – that is, whenever he wasn’t trapped in class. He’d ditched Shayna and Charity after second period to scour the school, but to no avail. He’d tried again in his free period, but there was still no sign of the elusive schoolgirl. Lunch had been dragging on for quite some time now; if he didn’t hurry up he would have to start this whole process over again tomorrow.

    Viceroy made his way over to a drinking fountain that sat outside the tall granite structure that was the office block. He took a long slurp from the cool liquid that flowed from it. With a jolt, he realized that he’d forgotten his English homework. He pulled his DS out of his pocket and spoke into the microphone.

    “Sentret, I need you to got back to my house and grab my homework. Remember, the stuff you were helping me with last night?”

    <No can do.>

    “Why not?”

    <I can only move within the DS’s wireless communication range,> Sentret explained. <That’s about fifty metres or so.>

    “Oh. What if you took the DS with you?”

    <Don’t be stupid,> Sentret scoffed. <What if I had to battle? The DS would become a weakness and a liability. After all, if it’s destroyed, then I can’t be summoned.>

    “About that . . . Where exactly are you summoned from?”

    <Dunno.>

    Viceroy frowned. “How can you not . . . What exactly are you? You look like a Pokémon – but Pokémon’s only a video game.”

    <I’m a demon, Viceroy.>

    “What?” he exclaimed. Several heads turned his way, he smiled sheepishly and closed his DS. Never mind,” he grumbled to Sentret.

    Let’s just focus. Not on how the hell I have a demon in my DS or about my English homework . . . Let’s just focus on finding Cece so I can have some answers . . .

    Viceroy gave himself a mental slap in the face. Why didn’t I just remember that she’s in my English class? To think I spent most of the day searching for her, when I’m just going to see her after lunch – that is, if she’s here today. Maybe if I get there early, I can sit beside her too.

    Viceroy followed the dull pavement that would lead him to the main school building. He climbed a dirty flight of stairs to the room that linked to his English class. It was the freshman common room and was surprisingly empty – usually someone was bickering, throwing fruit or ripping the pockets off each other’s shirts. Viceroy felt at ease with the silence. He leaned against the planked wall.

    RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNG!

    Viceroy sprang away from the wall in surprise to see that the bell was positioned only a few feet from where his head had been. His eardrums were still ringing from the noise.

    Dam. Why didn’t I notice the bell was there?

    <Haha,> teased Sentret.

    Within about a minute of the bell ringing, a line of students had formed outside the classroom. The gargantuan teacher then came along and unlocked the door. Viceroy loitered at the front of the room while Cece took her usual seat in the back corner opposite the door. He then followed her.

    Cece let out a loud, deliberate sigh as Viceroy took the chair beside her. She waited in silence, guessing what Viceroy was going to say. Pokémon this or “natural” disasters that . . .

    It was the teacher who spoke instead. “Continue on the work we were doing yesterday.” The plump man wrote in a green scrawl across the whiteboard: Language features. He then took his seat at the front of the room – facing the class – and became immersed in his iPad.

    Viceroy and Cece both got out their books and began writing; Cece was concentrating on the work and Viceroy was waiting for the teacher to leave the room so he could confront the girl beside him. After a few minutes, the blimp-like man trotted away and closed the door behind him.

    “Where’d you get that DS chip from?”

    Cece sighed heavily at the inevitable question, knowing there was no way out - at least, without seeming awfully suspicious. “I found it lying around at my dad’s work. And you?”

    “In a church.”

    This intrigued Cece, but she tried to hide it. “Oh. What were you doing there?”

    “Playing on my DS . . . and fighting off an Aerodactyl.” Viceroy grinned.

    “Ok . . . what’s an Aerodactyl?”

    “A Pokémon.”

    “Uh, right.” Cece felt stupid for not realizing it before – what else would an Aerodactyl be? “What kind of Pokémon is it?”

    “It’s six feet tall and grey and has can fly. Like that dinosaur . . . what’s its name?” Struggling to describe the Pokémon properly, Viceroy sketched it quickly on an empty page in his workbook. His pen moved over the paper to depict a long skinny Pokémon with shaded bat-like wings, pointy claws and a long tail with a small arrow shape on the end.

    “Um . . .” Cece racked her brains to think of the name too. “A pterodactyl?”

    “Yea, that’s it. It’s a rock and flying type and knew that strong move Hyper Beam.”

    After realizing that she was letting her guard down Cece faced away from Viceroy, instead favoring the window beside her. She scribbled a few words down, pretending to be busy. After losing interest, she let the subtle noise of her writing sink into the background chatter. She almost lay on the desk, her braided blonde pigtails hanging on her book as she rested her head on her arm.

    Cece abruptly sat upright as she heard the door clicking shut, a clear sign that the teacher had returned to the room. Everyone fell silent. The teacher surveyed the class, checking to see who was working and who wasn’t. He was like Santa Claus – making a naughty and nice list. If he was wearing red and had a snowy beard, he could be Santa. He returned to his seat with a stack of paper.

    “So what-”

    “Shut up,” Cece snapped back at Viceroy. “I’m working.” As she said this, she began writing again.

    Wait a minute . . . Cece doesn’t work in class, does she? Viceroy shifted his eyes over to Cece’s book. Ok, maybe she does. But she can’t keep writing forever. Maybe if I got her interested . . .

    “Did you know,” Viceroy whispered. Cece looked up; he took this as a sign to continue. “Did you know that you don’t need to use the buttons or touch screen on your DS?”

    Cece considered this for a moment. “For what?”

    Viceroy smiled - it wasn’t hard to trick Cece into talking. “For anything. Like summoning a Pokémon. Or giving commands. It’s pretty handy.”

    “Thanks,” whispered Cece. “Is there anything else?”

    “Um . . . Your Pokémon can only move within the wireless communication range of the DS - that’s about fifty metres. So it can’t really move away from you.”

    “What if it took the DS with it?”

    Viceroy laughed; at least he wasn’t the only one to think of the idea. “Don’t be stupid,” he quoted, “what if it had to battle? It’d become a weakness and liability.”

    “I guess.”

    “How long have you had your Pokémon for?”

    Oh wait. Should I tell her it is a demon? Or will she think I’m crazy? Nah, I’ll leave it for her Pokémon to tell her. Well, provided they can carry out a conversation without having their head bitten off every other sentence.

    “Um,” Cece counted in her head, “since last Tuesday. A week ago today. What about you?”

    “Since last Sunday. The same day we were attacked by that Aerodactyl at the church.”

    “Wait, was it the First Street Church? I heard about that. The ‘earthquake.’”

    “Yea, that’s the one.”

    There was a short intermission as Cece continued her work. Her façade of being interested in schoolwork didn’t fool Viceroy – especially when she was writing in her textbook. “That’s a shame.” Cece muttered absentmindedly.

    “So . . .” inquired Viceroy, “what Pokémon do you have?”

    “What Pokémon do you have?”

    Viceroy smirked. “I asked you first.”

    “I asked you first!” mimicked Cece. “What are you like, five? Answer the question.”

    Viceroy glanced around the colorful classroom, trying to come up with his next move.

    If I tell her that, maybe it’ll put her in debt to me. Then may I can trick her into telling me more about her Pokémon.

    “Ok,” muttered Viceroy. “Sentret, Aron and Snorunt - now you go.”

    “Hold on. Sentret’s the brown rabbit one, right? And Aron’s the steel one?”

    “Yea.” Following Cece’s silence, Viceroy explained. “Snorunt’s an ice type. It’s sorta like an Eskimo.”

    “Oh . . .” Cece turned back to her book, losing interest in the conversation.

    “Hey, aren’t you going to tell me about your Pokémon?”

    “Nope. I’m not giving away my secrets.” Cece grinned annoyingly at Viceroy.

    Dam! She’s closed up again . . . All I’ve done is give HER answers . . . Jeez, I’m not a very good interrogator.

    “Attention class,” ordered the teacher. “Please get out your homework.” He bumbled around the class to check the work. On the “who hasn’t” list was – as per usual – Cece, but it was a surprise for Viceroy to be on that list. “You two!” The teacher waved a fat finger at them.

    “Yes?” gulped Viceroy.

    “You haven’t done your homework.” The teacher put two meaty hands on the desk and stared at the books in front of the pair. “You haven’t done any class work either?!”

    They both stared back blankly.

    “What have you two been doing?” The plump man straightened his tie and placed his hands on his hips. “I’m willing to bet my iPad that it had nothing to do with finding connections in language features between texts.”

    Both Viceroy and Cece surveyed the class to see twenty or so pairs of eyes staring at them expectantly. Maybe they’d got a bit carried away in their conversation . . .“Just talking,” replied Cece, determined to not let the teacher intimidate her.

    “Well don’t!” The teacher stared Cece down for a moment. “You’re usually behaved,” he gestured to Viceroy, “so I’ll let you off this time. As for you, you’ve got to copy out the rights and responsibilities ten times.”

    “What?!” exclaimed Cece. “Why doesn’t he get punished?”

    “Because I said so!”

    “What the hell?”

    “You can do twenty, miss Chase!” The teacher adapted a smug smile.

    “What?!” repeated Cece, “this is ********!”

    “That’s enough!” The teacher pointed a fat finger to the door. “Outside!” He then gave a stern glare to Viceroy, who was sitting awkwardly between himself and Cece.

    Cece grudgingly packed up her books and stormed out of the room. Thinking the teacher wasn’t looking, she pulled the finger to him.

    “Detention for you!” The teacher soon returned to the front of the class.

    <Interesting,> Sentret commented.

    Viceroy grabbed one of his earphones and slipped the bud through his blazer sleeve. He popped it in his ear and leaned his head on his hand, disguising his in-class electronics usage. He tuned out the teachers rant and focused on listening to Sentret’s voice.

    “Where did you come from?” Viceroy whispered.

    <I have a feeling I have a past, but it has been wiped from my memory. The first thing I can remember is seeing that great oaf of an Aerodactyl. I know I am a demon and I know I was summoned but I don’t know how or why.>

    “So you don’t remember anything at all?” Viceroy asked.

    <No . . .>

    “What a big help.” Viceroy paused for a moment. “Hey. Speaking of that Aerodactyl . . . we should go back to the church.”

    <Sure, but why?>

    “Whoever summoned Aerodactyl must’ve been nearby, because they had to be within the range of the DS, right? We could try find a clue as to who they are.”

    <Good idea.>

    RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING! RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING! RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINGGGGGGGG! RRRRRRRRRRR . . .

    “Quick!” yelled the teacher over the bell. “That’s the fire alarm! Everyone exit the classroom in an orderly fashion! Stay calm!”

    Twenty students slung their bags on their backs and rushed toward the door. Several of them attempted to grab other items strewn across their desk.

    “Leave them! The most important thing is getting out safely.” As the teacher said this, he dropped his iPhone into his shirt pocket, and proceeded to snatch up his iPad.

    <Guess what?>

    “This better be good,” muttered Viceroy.

    <It’s a Pokémon that’s caused this fire.>

    “Cece . . . that Cyndaquil.”

    As the class made it out of the building they looked to their right to see the roof of the science block caked in red and orange, smoke arising into the clear sky. Viceroy quickly pushed to the front to get a better look.

    Cece’s nowhere to be seen. She would’ve had enough time to climb the stairs and summon Cyndaquil. But she’ll be gone now, for sure. Doesn’t she have a clue of the weight of her actions? Does she even care if someone gets hurt?
    Lol.

  20. #20
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    Viceroy leaned back, his tie was severed in half by the reptile’s snapping jaws.
    Should be a semicolon.
    It was too late, The Aerodactyl knocked away the pew he was under with a mighty swing of one of its wings. The Pokémon reared up into the air, Viceroy tried to crawl back but the Pokemon’s gray talons latched around his abdomen.
    These sentences should be split in two where the commas are currently.
    I can’t believe that worked! So predicable . . .
    *Predictable
    Of course I’m sure. I know that this Pokémon is unstable, so now is perfect for toying with it’s emotions.
    *Its
    Viceroy caught the chip, he flinched as the hot plastic scalded its hands.
    Either separate this into two sentences or use a semicolon.
    It’s most distinctive feature however, was the fire burning vigorously atop its back.
    *Its

    Okay, let me guess

    Absconditus Infensus = Hidden inferno (or infestation?)
    A. I. = Artificial Intelligence?

    I actually had to look up "skux" (At first I thought it was a typo lol) and it cracked me up. NOW I get it XD

    Anyway, good job! I like the story so far!
    I'll be online on weekends, mostly, and as often as I can.

    Greetings from the asylum of my insanity.
    Chapter 3: Should be up by December 31st.

    Dex: 128 created! ~ My DeviantART link to be posted here...once I actually post something on my DeviantART. =P

  21. #21
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    ... This is utterly some sort of Devil Survivor x Pokemon crossover. I would complain, but being a fan of both, I find that I like it.

    But really... <Let's survive>? Direct quoting is a bit much, isn't it...? I'd overlook the 'quite original' bit... eh.

    Unfortunately, I'm not an expert in grammar/punctuation/etc., so... no extra-long detailed review. I'm just... well, just a reader. I like it so far though. PM-list...?
    Friend Code: 0404-6904-4521
    Ghost Friend Safari: Shuppet, Phantump, Spiritomb


  22. #22
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    Thanks for reviewing Gastlyman! And you guessed one half of the title!

    Artificial Intelligence

    Now you have to guess the subtitle!


    Well done on guessing that though. Your support is appreciated, I was in one of my nobody is reviewing, the world hates me moods until you reviewed.

    Quote Originally Posted by Niihyl View Post
    ... This is utterly some sort of Devil Survivor x Pokemon crossover. I would complain, but being a fan of both, I find that I like it.

    But really... <Let's survive>? Direct quoting is a bit much, isn't it...? I'd overlook the 'quite original' bit... eh.

    Unfortunately, I'm not an expert in grammar/punctuation/etc., so... no extra-long detailed review. I'm just... well, just a reader. I like it so far though. PM-list...?
    Now I see what you mean. It would be like ending a Pokemon fic with "Gotta catch em' all." >.<

    I'm glad a fan of Devil Survivor has posted. Me and KJT thought it would be an excellent idea to merge my two video games together. (If it was up to KJT it would have been a Glee x Doctor Who crossover.)

    Thanks a lot for commenting. It's really encouraging to know that people are reading, especially when we are running low for reviews (we aren't anymore!)
    Lol.

  23. #23
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    @GastlyMan: thanks for reviewing! You're always good at finding those little errors that both of us miss. We'd be screwed without you We hear people say skux a lot where we live lol. Glad you're liking the story!

    @Niihy: thanks! You can be added to the PM list (that's sorta no-existent; I'll add it into my first post). But . . . *points finger at Moonlightning* <Let's survive> was his idea blame him blame him blame him . . . I'm trying to deter away the story from being less Devil Survivor-y; I too am a fan of both games

    @Moonlightning: you're bending the truth. This was originally "my" fic until you "were going to do the idea anyway" - we didn't want to be complete sh*ts to eachother . . . so we co-wrote! They're my video games too! Oh and I'd never mix Doctor Who and Glee. They're awesome on their own, but'd be terrible together.

    Due to Moonlightning having left the school hostel and gone back home (for holidays yay!), he no longer has internet :/ (but he text me sayin' he was going on a plane today, so I don't actually know what's going on . . .). The bulk of chapter four is written; the main problem is sending it between us for adding stuff/fixing stuff/commenting on stuff/making jokes about stuff etc. Hopefully it'll be up sooner rather than later

    Oh, does anyone else wanna be on the PM list? Just speak up!
    ┓┏ 凵 =╱⊿┌┬┐

  24. #24
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    Default Chapter Four - Cece Chase: Ace Detective

    Well . . . this is chapter four! Sorry to keep y'all waiting n' stuff . . .

    Oh, and I'll kill anyone who complains about indenting or fonts or italics etc . . . it was HELL to put 'em on this chapter :\

    ---

    Chapter Four: Cece Chase: Ace Detective

    Cece sat in her pajamas on her unmade bed with her back against the wall. To one side of her crossed legs was her laptop, the other, newspaper articles from the past few days that had been cut out hastily. She held up the first clipping alongside the screen of her laptop.


    MYSTERIOUS FIRE ATOP THE OTAGO CO-ED SCHOOL SCIENCE BLOCK.

    Yesterday, the science block of Otago Co-Ed School was set alight at approximately two o’clock in the afternoon. Firefighters arrived at the scene in time to put out the fire before any major damage was caused. Police are now investigating but can not find any clues as to who is responsible.


    She then moved her attention to the words plastered across her screen – a prediction from yesterday.


    At 14:00, there will be a fire atop a tall school building. No one will be hurt.

    Have a nice day.

    26/06/2011 by @PLaplace at 06:58:23


    After rearranging the articles and clicking on another link, Cece compared the yesterday’s headlines with yesterday’s predictions.


    SIX PEOPLE DIE IN A FARMYARD EXPLOSION.

    Yesterday afternoon, six people were killed . . . detectives have been called in to investigate . . .

    CHRISTCHURCH EXPERIENCES FOURTH EARTHQUAKE.

    During the small hours, another devastating earthquake shook Christchurch City . . . luckily, no one was killed . . .


    At 16:00 there will be an explosion on an isolated farm. Six people will die.

    At 04:00 there will be another earthquake in the city of Christchurch.

    Have a nice day.

    27/06/2011 by @PLaplace at 07:02:44


    <Nasty.>

    “Yea . . .” Cece shook her head. She suddenly became apprehensive. “How can you read this?”

    <Please – it’s only a laptop. Nothing I can’t hack into! Today’s not looking too flash either . . .>

    Cece turned her attention back to the screen.


    At 12:00 the Dunedin Railway Station will be destroyed. No one is hurt.

    A mother and child will go missing. They were last seen at 19:30 in a graveyard with several angel statues.

    At 20:00 there will be a blackout over the city of Dunedin.

    Have a nice day.

    28/06/2011 by @PLaplace at 06:53:18


    “How does this guy, Laplace, make these predictions,” wondered Cece. “How can he make predictions that come true?”

    <Maybe he’s causing them? It’s nothing one of my kind couldn’t handle.>

    “So you can make an earthquake? Or even an explosion that powerful?!”

    <Not me. I’m not that strong. But it certainly is possible.>

    “So whatever’s causing this is a more powerful Pokemon?” Cece shuddered at the thought.

    <Probably. It takes something quite powerful to cause an earthquake or an explosion.>

    “But today the disasters weren’t that bad. So the Pokemon weren’t as powerful?”

    <Correction. The disasters won’t be that bad. The Pokemon won’t be as powerful. It’s still all got to happen.> A sound of static came from the DS; an attempt at a sigh.

    Cece smiled and jumped off the bed. “So we can be there when it happens!”

    She began rummaging through the drawers of her messy bedroom to find something to wear. Despite the fact that it was winter the sun was shining brightly, so she opted for a tight fitting red singlet and the only denim in her wardrobe – her short shorts.

    Cece left her DS lying on her bed as she raced down the hall into the bathroom. Feeling spontaneous, she grabbed a single hair tie and pulled her fair locks into a bun. After brushing her teeth, rinsing her face and spraying on some deodorant, she deemed herself ready to begin the day.

    She emptied the bag of her school stationary until only a few essentials were left – purse, keys and mobile. These were soon joined by her laptop and a jacket before the bag was slung onto Cece’s shoulder. She slipped her red DS into one of the side pockets of the bag and rushed off to do one final task in the kitchen.

    dad
    im going out 4 the day
    am havin dinner in town. love u
    cc

    Cece stuck the note onto the refrigerator with one of many decorative magnets. She headed back down the hall, slipping on her bright red flip-flops as she went. Click click click . . .

    <What’s that noise?>

    Cece brushed away a few horse-tail wisps of stray hair clinging to her forehead. “My flip-flops,” she replied, only half paying attention to her partner.

    <You’re going to wear those to investigate a possible earthquake? Mightn’t we need to run away?>

    She stopped in her tracks, becoming agitated at the matter of fact tone. She opened her mouth, but found no words and closed it again. She shook her head.

    Get with it Cece. Calm down and stop rushing. You’ve got plenty of time.

    The speechless girl grabbed a pair of rarely used running shoes and slipped them on. She fumbled the first time with tying them up, sighed, and tried again. She expressed her frustrations by pulling the laces so they nearly suffocated her foot.

    “Do you want me to put on a sweater too, mother?” Cece asked playfully, trying to slip into a calmer demeanor.

    <I’m just looking out for you,> her Pokemon replied. It was a surprise to Cece that it didn’t join in on the banter as usual.

    Never mind.

    After locking the one and only door of her home, she walked swiftly to the street.

    *

    Cece leaned against the smooth granite wall of the railway station. “So this is it, huh?” She looked at her chunky red watch; it read 11:54.

    <I wouldn’t know! Let me out so I can see.>

    “I guess.” Cece made her judgment based on how many bystanders there were – absolutely none. There wasn’t a soul to see them. “Boot handler Aipom,” she spoke into the microphone of the DS.

    A flash of light later and Aipom was positioned at Cece’s side, balancing with little effort on the large hand of its tail. <This is nothing too impressive.> The monkey smiled cheekily at Cece and waved its pawless arms around manically.

    “Let’s take a look around,” Cece suggested. “This place is quite big.” Aipom flipped off its tail and began walking with Cece. “Got anymore thoughts on these predictions?”

    <They’re strange – that’s for sure. And they all come true.>

    “I guess we’ll see,” argued Cece.

    They both waited out the remaining minutes in silence, Aipom ran around with wide eyes, enjoying its freedom; Cece kept her eyes on her watch. The smaller numbers that counted seconds and milliseconds were draining away quickly . . .

    Cece decided to count out the remaining numbers for effect. “Ten. Nine. Eight.” She flicked her eyes up briefly. “Seven. Six. Five. Four–“ she drew in a breath of air “–Three. Two. One.”

    Almost as if someone was listening in on Cece’s countdown, there was a sound of scraping metal from around the corner of the building. Cece and Aipom rushed to see an angry looking Pokemon standing a few feet away from a lone DS console. The creature spotted the pair at the same moment and charged forward, its spiked blue skull directed at them.

    Cece slipped back behind the corner, opening her DS in the process; Aipom cart wheeled to the side. The tricky maneuver left the attacking dinosaur no time to react; it stampeded forward until it ran out of momentum. It slowly turned around and tried a second attack directed at the purple monkey.

    “Swift,” Cece commanded, positioning herself away from the two Pokemon. “Who’s that Pokemon?”

    <It’s a Cranidos,> replied Aipom. It swung its long tail through the air, sending a barrage of golden stars at the Pokemon in mention. Aipom’s grin turned into a grimace as the Cranidos charged through the attack like it wasn’t there.

    Aipom attempted another cartwheel, however it wasn’t as successful as before; it lost its balance and landed awkwardly on its side. The smaller Pokemon was left behind its attacker, awaiting some help from Cece. <Change forms . . . this thing’s weak to grass and water.>

    Cece didn’t make a sound as she inserted the green cartridge into the bottom slot of her DS. Aipom flashed quickly, taking the form of a grass Pokemon almost instantly. “Careful,” Cece warned, “you’re not as agile in this form.” She tapped an attack.

    <Understood.> Chikorita flicked its leaf to send a shower of small leaves at the Cranidos. They left several dents in its blue behind, making a defined click as they struck. The Pokemon cried in pain, turned around and charged back at Chikorita.

    “Reflect!” shouted Cece enthusiastically, but with a touch of fear.

    The effect of the attack was unseen at first, the only indication that anything had happened was Chikorita’s eyes flashing white for a split second. Cranidos’s skull then collided with the wall – the dinosaur stumbled backwards; the invisible wall flashed white, outlining its large rectangular shape. The Cranidos’s eyes narrowed in concentration as it figured out what to do next.

    “Razor leaf, again.”

    With another flick of its leaf, Chikorita sent a second wave of razor leaves at Cranidos. Before they could hit however, they pelted against the apparently two sided barrier, again defining its shape. The Cranidos stared at the development with interest, shifting its weight between its two clawed feet.

    What kind of attack is that? Leaving us at a disadvantage? That Cranidos doesn’t look like it’s going anywhere . . . it’s just waiting for the Reflect to disappear. We’ll just have to mount a surprise attack before it goes away!

    Cece walked back a few paces. “We’ll surprise it,” whispered Cece, unsure of how sensitive the dinosaur’s hearing was. “Get ready to use Razor Leaf when I say.” She looked at the Cranidos who’s eyes were flickering between her and her partner. “Go!”

    Chikorita sidestepped from behind its wall of safety. Its red eyes changed from concentrating to astonished as it saw a singular grey stone shooting toward it. The attack struck its neck, causing it to buckle over in pain.

    “What was that?” questioned Cece.

    <Smack Down.> As it said this, the Cranidos was already attempting another Headbutt attack; Cece could only watch helplessly as her partner was rammed into by the rock type.

    Cece tugged at the cartridge in her DS with another already in hand. It wouldn’t budge. “What’s going on?” She looked up to see Chikorita cloaked in a devilish black outline, and Cranidos charging towards it. It also sported the dark glow.

    Upon impact Chikorita exploded into a string of binary. As this floated away into oblivion, an Aipom was left behind to lock eyes with the angry Cranidos. The purple monkey retreated away from Cranidos, but was careful not to lead the predator toward Cece.

    “Get ready to change again,” said Cece. The once jammed cartridge had ejected onto the ground, having traded its green coloration for a dull grey. Cece inserted another; this one a pale blue, and one her Pokemon hadn’t fought as before. She wondered what it would be.

    Aipom became nearly a foot shorter as it changed forms. Now it stood on four spindly legs. All of its body was pale blue, except the top of its head and the antenna that sprouted for it; they were a shade of pale yellow. <This is different,> it commented. <I think I’m a Surskit.>

    “Cool. What do we have here?” Cece inspected the new commands on her screen. “Let’s try . . . BubbleBeam.”

    On command, Surskit formed a singular blue sphere from where its nonexistent mouth should’ve been. Cece expected it to be sent flying in Cranidos’s direction, but instead it released a series of smaller bubbles toward its target. The attack didn’t muster enough force to travel the distance; instead the bubbles headed for the ground and popped simultaneously. Cranidos kept its distance, aware that it would be hit by the attack if it approached.

    Great. So BubbleBeam isn’t even powerful enough to even hit that Cranidos! We’ll just have to get closer.

    “Get closer toward it, Surskit. Then use another BubbleBeam.>

    The dual typed Pokemon walked forward – but with the first movement of its scrawny legs it slipped onto its side. <Huh?> it groaned.

    “What’s wrong?” asked Cece, hurrying as Cranidos was staring at the collapsed Surskit with interest.

    <This new body is so annoying! I can’t even move! Hang on . . .> A wall of text scrolled across both screens of Cece’s DS; she wondered if it was Surskit’s doing. <Got it!> remarked Surskit. <We have to use Water Sport!> As the screen returned to the battle selection, Cece went along with her Pokémon’s suggestion.

    From the tip of its head Surskit sent a shower of water, it dropped to the ground, creating several puddles along the smooth pavement. Now that is legs were dipped in largest puddle beneath it, the water type took off. It zigzagged across the pavement like a crazy ice skater: elegant but wild.

    “Cool,” complemented Cece. “BubbleBeam!”

    Whilst still moving forward, Surskit charged the attack. It didn’t even stop to fire: the zigzag movement aided the attack, causing it to cover a great deal horizontal range. The Cranidos fired another Smack Down. The speedy stone caught up with Surskit, causing it to fall back onto its side, but the barricade of bubbles soon avenged it. The sound the attack made was one that Cece knew well: popping bubble wrap. Surskit quickly returned upright; Cranidos was too distraught by the attack to do anything other than shake its head in disbelief.

    Let’s finish this up. Hopefully we can crack that Cranidos.

    “BubbleBeam.”

    Surskit ghosted closer to Cranidos, charging its BubbleBeam as it did so. The dinosaur had regained itself and raced forward for another headbutt. The stream of bubbles shot forward before the rock type reached its target; the Cranidos burst into binary.

    INITIATE TYPE CRACK?

    *

    Cece held the darkened cartridge in her hand. It had once contained the data for Chikorita, the first Pokemon she had cracked, but now it was useless – about as much help to her as an actual Gameboy cartridge. She lobbed it forward; it hit an angel statue with its stone hand covering its eyes.

    “I hate these statues,” Cece commented, “they’re just plain creepy. In fact,” she pouted, “I hate graveyards. Period.”

    <Come off it,> teased Aipom before becoming serious. <What is it that humans find so scary about death anyway?>

    “Dunno,” she shrugged, “I guess just fear of the unknown.” The anxious girl leaned against a large headstone, he eyes trained on her watch.

    <Thirty five minutes to go yet,> reminded Aipom, who was now strolling around the graveyard with its eyes fixed on Cece. <We came early . . . Let’s get back to patrolling. The two humans should be arriving soon.> The monkey began swinging its arms around as it walked.

    Cece followed, sticking close to Aipom. Their route around the dusty path allowed them to see into every nook and cranny of the cemetery; the tombstones, the states, both withered and fresh flowers presented to the graves of loved ones . . . after a short while, their shadows disappeared as the sun crawled behind the horizon, leaving them with only a few rays of light.

    Cece was given a fright as her watched bleeped, telling her that it was 19:00, on the dot. As if that wasn’t enough, Aipom pointed a fingerless hand to her right. <Look.>

    From the main entrance to the cemetery, an archway, two figures emerged. One was obviously a girl – skipping gleefully – while the slower solemn presence was the mother, albeit, she was only a few inches taller than her daughter. They both carried a bouquet, one of roses and one of tulips.

    “No one else is around . . .” muttered Cece as she hid behind one of the angel statues. She peeked from above its wing, trying her best to keep her eyes on the other trio.

    <So?> asked Aipom, who perched itself on the angel’s head.

    “The prediction said they were last seen at 19:00. We just saw them at 19:00 . . . that makes us the people who saw them.”

    She was answered nonchalantly. <Indeed.>

    “But how does that work? We wouldn’t have come – we wouldn’t have saw them if it wasn’t for that prediction! If we didn’t read the prediction, we wouldn’t have come. If we didn’t come, the prediction wouldn’t come true . . .”

    <I suppose . . . by trying to stop the prediction, you caused the prediction. If you hadn’t been so paranoid, it wouldn’t have come true.>

    “Don’t blame this on me!” Cece remarked. She took a deep breath. “It’s too late to stop that part of the prediction, us seeing them. But we can stop them from disappearing, right?”

    <Probably. We stopped the railway station from being destroyed.>

    “Let’s do it.” Cece stepped out from behind the statue, then paused. “What should we do?”

    <Just tell them some lie.>

    You’re going to disappear if you don’t leave . . . wait, that’s the truth! Um, dangerous animals come out at night? A zombie is going to rise from that grave? Oh! I become a werewolf at night and will eat you . . . that statue’s going to attack you? Ugh. This is harder that I thought.

    “I’m stuck for ideas,” complained Cece. “Maybe,” she grinned cheekily, “we should scare them into leaving?”

    <I like your thinking!> complemented Aipom, jumping down from the statue. <It is sensible scaring. It’s for their own good!>

    “Yes!” Cece began walking closer to them. “Besides, we’re saving their lives. We deserve to have a little fun with that . . .”

    When she was confident that she was close enough to the two females, Cece ducked down behind a tombstone and rested her back on the cool rock. Flicking open her DS she inserted a bright red cartridge. With a flash the purple monkey disappeared. In its place stood a navy mouse that looked like a walking campfire.

    “Put that out,” Cece scolded. “We won’t need that.” Halfway through the sentence she broke off into a smile.

    Cyndaquil lowered its head as it extinguished its flame, its features filled with puzzlement. It walked closer to Cece, feeling slightly insecure without its back ablaze. She tapped <DIG> with a shaking finger. Cyndaquil’s usually closed eyes opened briefly as it realized what Cece she was planning. It began digging into the soft earth with its milky clawless arms. Within seconds, it was making its way toward the unsuspecting mother and child.

    Hmm . . . can we really change the future twice in one day? No, I need to stop doubting myself. I’ve got to – I will change the future, for their sake. Hopefully this’ll work . . .

    <I accidently dug through someone’s grave . . .> Cyndaquil mentioned, its voice full of guilt. Cece didn’t reply; she was too focused on the dishonest – but rewardingly funny – task ahead.

    A scratchy noise was projected for the DS’s speakers. Cece wondered for a moment what it was before coming to the realization that it was the sound of her Pokémon’s digging being transmitted back to her DS. Cece crept closer, relocating to the next tombstone capable of hiding her thin frame.

    <What’s that noise?> Cece was baffled by the statement, but didn’t question it. <Mummy, make it stop!> Cece realized that it was Cyndaquil telling her what it was hearing. <Let’s move over here, sweetie.>

    Cece didn’t need Cyndaquil’s help to hear the next squeal from the girl. “It’s still going.” The girl didn’t look upset as such, but more of frustrated with the noise.

    <Come on, let’s go!> As Cece heard this, she saw the mother tugging on the child’s bony arm.

    Cece couldn’t justify letting Cyndaquil having all the fun, so she put her hands to her mouth . . . “Ka-kawww,” she echoed in a high voice. “Ka-kawwwwww,” she repeated. She chortled, and then looked with satisfaction as the scared pair passed through the stone archway onto a path that would lead them home.

    Cyndaquil surfaced from where the mourning mother and child had stood. It used its back legs to cover up the hole it had left, and then sprinted forward to rejoin Cece. <So that’s it? We’re finished here?>

    “Thankfully, yes.” Cece looked to her watch. 19:36. “We’ll go home now,” she instructed; Cyndaquil obeyed without a word.

    The blackout’s meant to happen at 20:00 – but we don’t know where it happens . . . all that was predicted was “a black out over the city of Dunedin.” That’s helpful, for sure. We can’t do anything to stop it though. But we did manage to stop two of three of the predictions from coming true – that’s not bad work. And we cracked another Pokemon . . . I hope we make it home before the blackout. It’d be annoying trying to see by just the flame on Cyndaquil’s back . . .

    *

    Cece was spooning cereal into her mouth, milk dribbling onto the table, whilst listening to the radio . . . that is, when the white noise stopped and the low quality device could be heard. As if to get her attention, the static went silent and the announcer spoke with deep sympathy.

    “A mother and her daughter have gone missing. According to the woman’s husband, they are Janet Samuels and Tracy Samuels. They were heading to the St Joan’s graveyard after the daughter’s school production. They were . . .” the white noise began again.

    Cece stared at the radio, agape. “. . . woman’s mother . . . ten past seven . . . no traces . . .” Cece stormed up to the radio and smacked it onto the kitchen floor. The sound seemed to have stopped. “It is unknown who or what caused this . . .” Cece flipped the radio over with shaking hands and attempted to rip out the batteries. She did, but before she managed that the radio muttered one last word: “dead.”

    The confused girl sat back down and placed her hands over her teary eyes. She kicked the only other chair at the table onto the ground.

    How did this happen? We were supposed to change the future . . . we were supposed to save them! But they still disappeared. “A mother and child will go missing. They were last seen at 19:30 in a graveyard with several angel statues.” It only said they were last seen at the graveyard . . . there’s nothing to suggest that whatever happened to them would’ve happened at the graveyard . . . so it’s my fault? If I didn’t interfere nothing would’ve gone wrong? They might have stayed there for longer . . . evaded whatever happened to them . . . my fault.

    Stupid predictions! They’re what are causing the problems! If I didn’t read that, nothing would’ve gone wrong. Maybe we should pay that Mr Laplace a visit . . .

    Cece trudged to her room and fished her red DS from her bed. “Aipom? I need you to track down that Mr Laplace who was making those predictions.” Cece tried to hold back a sob as she gave the command.


    ---

    Chapter Five is . . . well, comin' soon, I suppose
    Last edited by Becoming; 22nd August 2011 at 10:02 PM.
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  25. #25
    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    Location
    NZ
    Posts
    186

    Default

    Dear Potential Reader

    No, this won't do, back to normal writing . . .


    Due to moonlightning's internet having a mental fit, chapters will be slower 'cause we just can't do the back n' forth we used to. Please bare with us, this fic is still gettin' written, just slowly . . . and if anybody's Lurking In The Shadows, stop lurkin' and please reply - we appreciate knowing that you're reading, all we're asking for is a little "is liked this" or "TBH this sucked . . ."

    *shrugs*

    Hope you liked that progress report And we apologize for any inconveniences.
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