View Poll Results: Whos you favorite character?

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  • Shockwave

    13 50.00%
  • Buzz

    7 26.92%
  • Raikou

    5 19.23%
  • Entei

    2 7.69%
  • Sparkplug

    5 19.23%
  • Other

    5 19.23%
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Thread: The Hunt for Suicune

  1. #1
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    Default The Hunt for Suicune

    Well, this is my first fanfic and I've always wanted to be a writer, so I hope you like it! Rated PG.

    PM list:
    Kutie Pie,
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    Chapter One

    “Sir, the enemy is approaching.”

    “What is the estimated time of their arrival, lieutenant?”

    “Three hours, sir.”

    “Tell the troops to stay where they are, we'll be waiting for the enemy when they come.”

    “Yes, sir.” The lieutenant bowed his head and walked away.

    What you're experiencing here is a war, a war between two legendary beasts. One, a being of the storm who is fast as lightning, and has a cry that sounds of crashing thunder on a stormy night. His name, is Raikou. And the other, a being of fire who can make a volcano erupt by just one bark and create the hottest flames you'll ever touch. His name, is Entei.

    The two Pokémon that were speaking to each other was the leader of the Zap Squad Raikou, and his lieutenant Sparkplug the Luxray. The enemy they were discussing was none other than the Zap Squad's greatest enemy the Magma Tribe who's leader was Entei.

    But Entei and Raikou weren't always enemies. They were actually friends, brothers even. They were part of a trio, the trio consisted of the two brothers and their third brother Suicune. Suicune can purify dirty water and control the north winds. And this trio of legendary beasts were best of friends until one frightful day, they day they went to war and brought all of the same type Pokémon with them.

    It was a stormy day, but only stormy because Raikou made it that way. Raikou has a job to attend to, every day he'll decide where to put a storm in the Pokémon world. He needs to make regions of the world balanced by the storms he makes. And that day he made the storm in his home region, Johto. Entei also had a job much like Raikou's but with volcanoes, he would make a volcano erupt in a location at a time, but keep the location and time balanced. Suicune's job was different from the others he had to purify murky or dirty lakes of any filth. This job did not need to be balanced but it had to be done every time a lake was dirty or a danger for water going Pokémon.

    Each of the legendary beasts had a separate home in the Johto region. But on that stormy day, while Entei was at his home, lightning struck it, his home was a cave. The cave started to collapse on Entei so he ran, fast. As the cave was just about to crush Entei he found his way out. Panting, he looked at his destroyed home, he knew this was Raikou's fault, and that Raikou tried to crush him, but why? Why would Raikou do this? So, determined to find Raikou and know why he did this, he began to walk to Raikou's home in Olivine city. As Entei just approached the home, he was stricken down by lightning.

    Entei slowly got up, bruised and burned. He saw Raikou's home and knew that this was no longer a time for words, this was a time for action. So, he shot a Fire Blast at Raikou's home, with Raikou in it. The house of sticks and logs quickly caught fire and Raikou burst out.

    “What have you done Entei!?” Raikou demanded in a tired voice.

    “I should be asking you that question brother, you shot lightning at my home and me! Why not do the same to you with fire?” Entei yelled in a husky, breathy roar.

    “I have no idea what you mean, brother.” Raikou said innocently.

    Entei looked surprised, no, he thought. Raikou had to have done it, there is no one else who controls storms. “Liar!” Entei roared, “You sent a storm on me I send flames at you, we are even.”

    Raikou chuckled, “You destroyed my home, and you think we can be even by this?!”

    Entei growled, “Fine, then let's get even by this!” and Entei shot another Fire Blast at Raikou.

    Raikou tumbled back, smoke coming from his fur. He bared his two fangs and sunk them into Entei. It became a full on battle within a few minutes, electricity and fire spraying every direction.

    A wandering Delibird saw the battle and was shocked, so she flew straight for Suicune and told him about his brother's fight. The battle was still going on when Suicune came.

    “Brothers, I am very disappointed with you.” Suicune calmly said in the middle of the battle.

    Raikou looked up, Entei was holding him down with his front paws. “You have no part of this Suicune, leave!” He roared.

    “I will not leave,” Suicune, said “I want to know what this is about.”

    “This is about Raikou trying to kill me!” Entei yelled.

    “I did no such thing Entei, and you know it!” Raikou screamed, still being held down.

    “Just stop brothers, you'll make a war out of this in a few hours unless you stop now.”

    Entei smiled. “A war, perfect idea!”

    Suicune stepped back in shock. “No, you wouldn't Entei! Don't do this!”

    Entei let go of Raikou, 'Next morning, we will fight Raikou, don't forget that. I have an army on my side. All the fire type Pokémon around here obey me, I'm sure they will obey me if I make them go to war.” and with that Entei walked off.

    As Entei was walking off Raikou yelled “I have the electric Pokémon with me! I can handle the war just as much as you can!”

    That was when the Zap Squad and Magma Tribe were created and they have been at war ever since. Suicune blamed himself for the war because he was the one who mentioned it and went into hiding, so ever since that night he was never found.

    “Hey, Buzz. Buzz, are you still asleep? BUZZ!” Shockwave yelled.

    Shockwave was a young Jolteon, who was inexperienced with the ways of the world and combat. But he, like every other electric type Pokémon of the Johto region, was dragged into the war between the legendary two beasts.

    “Ahh! Oh, Shockwave, it's just you. What are you doing up so late?! I nearly had a heart attack!” Buzz exclaimed.

    Buzz was a slightly old Flaaffy, who was also dragged into the war. He's very timid and doesn't like to disobey rules; he also constantly worries. Shockwave met him in the middle of the battlefield at the war. Buzz, of course was running away from everything in sight and didn't fight anything at all. Shockwave would occasionally try to take down a member of the Magma Tribe but it would always end in him fainting. Buzz saw Shockwave fainted and couldn't stand seeing another Pokémon hurt, so he picked him up and brought him into his house for safety. Buzz lived in a small hut, that Shockwave, loving danger, finds pathetic and thinks Buzz should live somewhere more dangerous, like a cave. But Shockwave still lives with Buzz and appreciates his help to this day. Shockwave always discusses the war with Buzz and when it will end.

    “Whoa, sorry dude I didn't know you'd be so scared. I just wanted to talk about the war.” Shockwave said.

    Buzz sighed heavily. “Again? You always wake me up in the middle of the night to talk about the war. Can't it wait 'till morning?”

    The Jolteon shook his head. “This can't wait, I have an important question.”

    Buzz sighed again. “What is it, Shockwave?”

    “How do we stop this war?”

    The Flaaffy's jaw dropped, then he exploded with laughter. “We can't end a war caused by legends! They'll keep fighting until one side wins, you know that.”

    Shockwave looked disappointed “So...there is absolutely no way we can end it by ourselves? I can't stand this anymore! All the constant worrying about if the Magma tribe will come and attack, I just want this to end.”

    Buzz could see that Shockwave was upset and said “Well, there is...one possible way...”

    Shockwave immediately stopped frowning and looked up at his friend “Really? What is it? Tell me?!”

    “Well, I heard that Entei and Raikou have another brother, his name is Suicune. He may be able to stop the war, but he disappeared once the war started, so I doubt anyone would be able to find him.”

    Shockwave ran towards Buzz “Except for us! We're gonna find Suicune and end this war!”

    “Nope, sorry, no way, I am not going to do this, and neither are you.”

    “Why not?”

    “Do you want to get fainted again!?”

    “We won't, trust me. I think I might know someone who could give us a lead on where Suicune could be...”
    Last edited by Charmanderman; 23rd October 2011 at 3:17 AM.
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  2. #2
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    Wow! I love this! An amazing cliffhanger, by the way
    Since I was off for so long, I feel it is only right to start anew. My name is pokemon player, and I am very happy to meet you.

    Credit to lifeburst for the banner, check him out!

  3. #3
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    great work! MUST READ MORE!!!

    If someone could PM me a code for Smash 3DS I'll love you forever and probably cry tears of joy.
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    me like story
    THANKS[IMG]http://i53.*******.com/11h3uph.gif[/IMG] also thanks to pikapika677 for the mew -seel tranformation[IMG]http://i56.*******.com/281wopc.png[/IMG] <charmanderman made this at Pokemon players artshop
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    Hmm... I've pointed out a few mistakes. I'll do my best to help you with them.

    He's very timid and doesn't like to disobey rules, he also constantly worries.
    You should probably put a semicolon in to replace that comma.

    Shockwave was a young Jolteon, who was inexperienced with the ways of the world and combat. But he, like every other electric type Pokémon of the Johto region was dragged into the war between the legendary two beasts.
    You need a comma after "every other electric type Pokemon of the Johto region".

    Other then those mistakes, it's a very nice story. Certainly one that I will try to keep reading if time permits.

  6. #6
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    Thanks for the compliments! Also thanks for pointing out my mistakes, it helps make the story better so I can edit it. Some of those mistakes just slip by. Anyway, here is chapter 2!

    “How? I told you no one knows where Suicune is. I don't even think he exists.” Buzz told Shockwave.

    “Just, come on! I'll show you.” Shockwave said dragging Buzz outside of the hut.

    “In the middle of a war zone!? No way!”

    “Not in the middle of a war zone, I know a short cut. Now come on!”

    So, Shockwave and Buzz ran through the forests a place where no soldiers were. But there were fallen trees and logs, pointy sticks pointing from the ground, and the occasional Spinarak web to get stuck in. Shockwave jumped over all the obstacles with ease, while Buzz being clumsy, always tripped over a log or got poked by a stick or even caught in a Spinarak web that Shockwave would have to cut him out of.

    “This person better know where Suicune is, or else I'd be doing all this for nothing.” The Flaaffy complained.

    “I hope she will too, man, it's just a little bit further.” Shockwave said trying to reassure Buzz.

    They walked farther through the woods when they saw a big rock, and there was something on the rock, it looked like a yellow fox, but it stood on two legs and held two spoons and a long mustache. She seemed to be meditating on the rock, using it as a chair.

    “Here she is!” Shockwave said to Buzz, “Melody! I need your help.”

    The Alakazam stayed meditating on the rock completely unaware of what Shockwave said.

    “Um, Shockwave, she's not moving...” Buzz whispered to Shockwave.

    “I know, she must be in a deep meditation...maybe I should zap her...”

    “I wouldn't do that If I were you, she looks pretty strong.”

    “Come on, it'll only be one little...ZAP!” On the word “zap” Shockwave shot a pulse of electricity at the meditating Pokémon.

    The Alakazam stayed where it was and slowly opened one big brown eye, then the other and turned her head towards the two electric Pokémon.

    “And, what, was that for Shockwave?” Melody asked politely, despite just being electrocuted.

    Buzz looked confused, “You know her?” he asked.

    “Yep! But that was when I was an Eevee and she was just a Kadabra. We used to be best friends” Shockwave replied.

    Melody smiled. “We still are aren't we?”

    Shockwave smiled back “Of course! I also got another friend now, his name is Buzz.”

    Buzz waved. “Nice to meet you.”

    Melody waved back “You too Buzz. Now, Shockwave, what is it you need help with?”

    “Well, you know about the war don't you?” Shockwave asked.

    Melody bowed her head. “Yes, I know of the devastating war, the war that crushes the forest and sets everything to flames...please tell me you weren't dragged into it.”

    Shockwave frowned. “I was, they gathered every electric type into it. Buzz thinks that we can end the war if we find Suicune, but he disappeared, and your smart so I figured you may know where he could be.”

    Buzz butted in “Actually I didn't really want to find him, it's far too dangerous it's just that Shockwave asked and-”

    “You worry too much,” Melody interrupted. “I do have a theory on where Suicune could be. I heard he went to a far off region called Unova. But it is very far away from here and you'd have to pass the ocean to get there. Which means you'd need to fly or swim to get there, and I don't think you can swim that far, and neither of you can fly.”

    “But, you can use teleport right?” Shockwave asked hopefully.

    “I'm afraid not, I don't have the energy, I'm too worried for this war, and I can only use teleport if my mind is free of worry and focused. I'm sorry but you'll have to find a way yourself.” Melody looked very sincere.

    “See Buzz, just another reason we need to end this war. Melody is so worried she can't even teleport!” Shockwave said angrily.

    “I agree with you,” Buzz said “but how do we get all the way to Unova?”

    “I'll think of something, but for now. Let's get some sleep, It's almost morning already. Goodbye Melody!”

    “Goodbye Shockwave, good luck finding Suicune!” And Melody continued meditating

    So, Buzz and Shockwave went back to there hut. Unaware that they were being watched. From up high on a mountain Raikou and his lieutenant Sparkplug were watching. “Sir, why aren't those two soldiers fighting? Didn't you make sure every single electric type Pokémon here would be fighting?” Sparkplug asked Raikou.

    Raikou nodded his head, “Yes, I did. They are breaking my rules, capture them and bring them to me I'd like to have...a chat with them.” Raikou smiled wickedly and so did Sparkplug.

    “Yes sir...” Sparkplug bared his fangs and went towards the two electric Pokémon.

    *

    Shockwave and Buzz were just getting into their beds when something burst through the door. It was of course Raikou's lieutenant Sparkplug. “Look what we have here...” said the Luxray.

    “Oh, it's you! Lieutenant Sparkplug! What are you doing here?” Buzz asked frightened.

    Sparkplug smirked. “I saw what you were doing.”

    Buzz was puzzled, “What did we do?” he asked.

    Sparkplug glared at the Flaaffy. “You weren't fighting, Raikou made exact orders for every electric type Pokémon to fight. I saw you talking to some Pokémon, and now look at you, sleeping! You fight day and night until the war ends! Those are orders!”

    Shockwave came nose to nose with Sparkplug. “We can't even sleep?! This isn't war this is torture! This is the worst battle plan I've ever seen! If Raikou was smart he'd think of a GOOD battle strategy!”

    Raikou's lieutenant roared. “Now you insult the master! He wanted me to bring you to him, I'll do just that and I'll tell him you insulted his battle strategy.”

    Shockwave scratched Sparkplug. “You're too loyal to Raikou!”

    Sparkplug couldn't stand this anymore, he shot a huge volt of electricity knocking Shockwave out. Sparkplug turned to Buzz “Do you want to end up like him?”

    Buzz shook his head “N-no sir...”

    “Then come on.” Sparkplug groaned.

    Sparkplug carried Shockwave while Buzz walked along with him up the mountain to where Raikou was overlooking the battle.

    “Sir, I brought you the two rule breakers.” Sparkplug said bowing to Raikou.

    “Thank you, you may leave now lieutenant.” Raikou said looking at Shockwave and Buzz.

    “Yes sir.” And the Luxray left Shockwave and Buzz alone with Raikou.

    Shockwave woke up and saw Raikou “Ah! I mean, hello sir,” He said scared.

    “Don't try to be nice, I saw you disobey orders.” Raikou glared at Shockwave.

    “Well, your orders stink!” Shockwave yelled while Buzz was signaling him to be quiet.

    “You dare mock me soldier!” Raikou yelled.

    “I'm not your soldier! I don't want to be anyway, you forced me here!”

    Raikou crouched to Shockwave's level “You do not want to mess with me, kid. I am a legend, never mess with a legend.”

    “Just because your a legend, doesn't mean you have to be a bully!” Shockwave yelled.

    Raikou was furious, some kid mocking him, he couldn't take this. “Fine then, if you really want to take it this far, prepare for some electricity you'll never forget!”

    And a ball of electricity charged around him, but just as it was about to fire...

    “RUN!” yelled Buzz, and he threw a Smoke Ball onto the ground, making the entire area filled with smoke so Raikou couldn't see.

    “Where are you?!” Raikou roared.

    “Come on Shockwave! We have to get out of here!” Buzz hollered to Shockwave.

    Shockwave and Buzz were running down the mountain as fast as they could in case Raikou would be following them.

    “What was that you used Buzz? I've never seen a move like that.” Shockwave asked, still running.

    “It's not a move, it was an item. I've had it for a long time, waiting for just the right moment to use it, and that seemed like a pretty good moment.” Buzz told Shockwave.

    “You bet it was! I was almost done for! Looks like you saved my life again.”

    Buzz smiled. “You really need to stop getting into trouble.”

    Shockwave laughed. “It's what I do man, it's what I do.”

    They finally reached the bottom of the mountain and looked to see if Raikou was following them. He wasn't.

    “Well, looks like we have to watch out for the Magma Tribe and the Zap Squad now, both of them are pretty mad at us.” Buzz said sighing.

    Shockwave nodded. “I guess so, that makes now a perfect time to head for the Unova region.”

    “But how will we get there?” The tired Flaaffy asked.

    Shockwave shrugged. “Let's just find the ocean. I'll think of how we cross it when we get there.”

    Buzz sighed once again. “That's a terrible plan!”

    Shockwave smirked. “It's not like we have any other options.”

    And with that the two Pokémon began their travel, in their hunt for Suicune.
    Last edited by Charmanderman; 7th July 2011 at 5:34 AM.
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    Loved every bit of it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    THANKS[IMG]http://i53.*******.com/11h3uph.gif[/IMG] also thanks to pikapika677 for the mew -seel tranformation[IMG]http://i56.*******.com/281wopc.png[/IMG] <charmanderman made this at Pokemon players artshop
    If you think Celebi's species should be the TARDIS Pokemon, copy and paste this into your signature. ~Started by Lucario9[IMG]http://i53.*******.com/2d76dm1.png[/IMG]thanks to pps employee Charmanderman for the water lickitounge

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    Quote Originally Posted by Charmanderman View Post
    Raikou crouched to Shockwave's level “You do not want to mess with me, kid. I am a legend, never mess with a legend.”
    I liked this bit. I know what you mean when you said it was a good bit ^-^

    Quote Originally Posted by Charmanderman View Post
    Buzz smiled. “You really need to stop getting into trouble.”
    Shockwave laughed. “It's what I do man, it's what I do.”
    I liked this bit too, it was one of those bits in a story when you think; "wow, that wwas cool!"
    Since I was off for so long, I feel it is only right to start anew. My name is pokemon player, and I am very happy to meet you.

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    woohoo! NICE

    If someone could PM me a code for Smash 3DS I'll love you forever and probably cry tears of joy.
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    You must have quite a few chapters already written out for you to update this quickly .

    Well, you asked me to take a look, and so I have. Like I had told you a good few hours ago, it's not bad for your first fanfic (in fact, it looks like it has a good idea). It's normal for starters to write like this, and I understand that very well. I'm starting to see a unique style, however, and that's not common with new writers. Usually they develop a style in time, yours seems to already be there.

    But as with new writers, you are always going to have mistakes. Your most common mistake deals with homonyms. You use "your" instead of "you're" when it doesn't deal with possessions. "Your" is used to tell someone it belongs to them, while "you're" is a contraction of "you are".

    There is also the use of "their", "there", and "they're":

    "Their" is like "your", only with two or more people.

    "There" is a location device.

    "They're" is a contraction of "they are".

    See the difference? This is the most common mistake in your work as of this writing. With a bit of practice, you'll rarely have this mistake in the future. I suggest looking through this list of homonyms for future references if no English textbook is available near you.

    I'll let it slide for now because you're a new writer, but I'm picky about descriptions. I love to read descriptions in all kinds of work. I see a little description, but there's not a lot to completely give us a full picture, if you know what I mean. I don't know how long they were in the war for, and I don't know how long Buzz and Shockwave have been away from the battlefield. Which leads to another thing: transitions.

    The transitions are poorly done. There is no way to tell what is going on without proper transitions. I did a double-take during this scene:

    Raikou nodded his head, “Yes, I did. They are breaking my rules, capture them and bring them to me I'd like to have...a chat with them.” Raikou smiled wickedly and so did Sparkplug.

    “Yes sir...” Sparkplug bred his fangs and went towards the two electric Pokémon.

    Shockwave and Buzz were just getting into their beds when something burst through the door. It was of course Raikou's lieutenant Sparkplug. “Look what we have here...” said the Luxray.
    Uh... what? What just happened?

    There are lack of transitions, for one thing, same with a realistic time span. What, were Shockwave and Buzz sleeping five minutes away from the camp for Sparkplug to barge in like that? This is very unrealistic.

    Edited parts are in bold:

    Raikou nodded his head, “Yes, I did. They are breaking my rules. Capture them and bring them to me. I'd like to have...a chat with them.” Raikou smiled wickedly, and so did Sparkplug.

    “Yes sir...” Sparkplug bared his fangs and went towards the two electric Pokémon.

    --- or *~* or any marker you want.

    Or...

    Give us the time of day here, and the location Shockwave and Buzz are currently in. Maybe give them a little dialogue to pass a little amount of time as they climb into bed. Maybe also have Sparkplug slam against the door a couple of times to freak them out before he bursts in and growls at them.
    (Yes, I didn't make up a paragraph's worth of showing the correction, but this is your work, and thus I can't imitate your style. /lame excuse)

    See how much better it would look? And this is just a small sample of the story. If the whole story had something similar to that, it would look more interesting, and it'd please the reader more.

    But all in all, I have hopes for this story. Please, if you don't already have a PM list, make one and put me on it. I'd like to continue following this story. By the end, I hope to have a comparison of your beginning and ending so you can see for yourself how much you've improved.
    Last edited by Kutie Pie; 28th June 2011 at 11:26 PM.
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    I see you listened to my paragraph tip. But, I think Kutie Pie beat me to reviewing it to much, as they pretty much pointed everything out. Very nice work on chapter 2, by the way. You're improving.

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    Again thanks for the compliments and grammar errors, it really helps! Now, here is chapter 3:

    “So we just keep walking then?” Buzz asked

    “Yep.” Replied Shockwave.

    “Even though we don't know where we're going?”

    “Yep.”

    “And we don't even know how to cross the ocean?”

    “Yep.”

    “You really don't have a plan for this journey, do you?”

    “No I do not.” Shockwave laughed. “I really have no idea what we're getting into.”

    Buzz rolled his eyes, it's been days since they left the war zone. All they ate were the occasional berries that grew on the bushes, and they had to sleep on the cold ground. To make matters worse they haven't seen a single Pokémon since the journey began, and Buzz was getting lonely. But that would change, they'd see some Pokémon soon, but not very friendly ones.

    They were close to the ocean, but still far enough that they couldn't see it yet. The journey went on silently until Buzz fell over.

    “Whoa! What was that?! Why'd you fall?” Shockwave asked.

    “I...I don't know....I think...something hit me...” Buzz said still on the dirt floor.

    Shockwave looked behind Buzz for whatever hit him, and he saw a Pokémon. It stood about 5 feet tall, and had two tails that looked like electric cords, and it wasn't very happy, at all. It was an Electivire. There were more Pokémon behind it, there were five of them to be exact and they were much smaller than the other Pokémon. They looked like big red and white spheres with menacing eyes. They were called Voltorb.

    “Who are you?” Shockwave demanded

    The Electivire stepped forward. “We are soldiers of the Zap Squad, we had direct orders from Raikou to find you two.” The Electivire said, his voice like the lightning in a storm.

    “But how? How could you find us all the way here?” Buzz asked.

    “We've been following you!” The Electivire replied.

    Shockwave backed away and whispered to Buzz. “I suppose you don't have another Smoke Ball do you?”

    Buzz shook his head. “That was a one time thing, Shockwave. But I do have a different plan.” He whispered back.

    “It better be good what is it?” Shockwave asked.

    “RUN!” Buzz yelled and ran away from the Zap Squad soldiers while Shockwave followed.

    “After them!” Electivire yelled to the Voltorb.

    The Voltorb were coming after the two runaways quickly. Their electricity making them glow, even if it was morning. The Voltorb were shooting bolts of electricity towards Buzz and Shockwave which made them have to dodge the attacks and run away at the same time.

    “Attack!” The five Voltorb yelled simultaneously.

    Buzz and Shockwave ran all the way to Cherrygrove City, a place where they could see the ocean, their main objective, their first step to finding Suicune. Too bad they were being chased by a group of angry Voltorb as they reached their destination.

    Shockwave was so close, this was it. This was the ocean, his first hope of finding Suicune, he couldn't let a few Voltorb ruin it. So he jumped into the ocean. Buzz was shocked as he watched Shockwave jump, why would he do that? Then he saw the Voltorb, they were right behind him, he had no other options so he too jumped into the ocean. The Voltorb looked at each other, puzzled and then they rolled back towards the Electivire.

    “Looks like we lost them!” Shockwave said happily, swimming in the water.

    “Yeah, but we can't swim all the way to Unova.” Buzz complained.

    "Yeah, I'll think of something, maybe we can wait, what's that?" Shockwave said pointing to a big blue Pokémon that had a spiky gray shell and a long neck. On its head was a short stubby horn, and its ears curled backwards. It was far off in the water but Shockwave swam to it as fast as he could.

    “Who are you?” Shockwave asked the sea creature.

    “I am Lapras! I carry travelers across the ocean, and it looks like you need my help. Where is it you need to travel to?” Said the Pokémon.

    Shockwave swam towards Lapras. “We want to go to the Unova region!” He announced.

    “Wow, that's far off.” Lapras said wide-eyed “It will probably take a few days, but nonetheless I will take you there.”

    Shockwave smiled at his friend, “See? I knew this plan would work!” he said excitedly.

    “Well, I guess it did work. Let's go then!” Buzz said.

    “Alright! Hop on my back, and to Unova we go!”

    *
    It's been several days and nights since they started for Unova with Lapras. Shockwave and Buzz were hungry they haven't eaten anything in days. But Lapras didn't seem to mind, when he got hungry he'd just dunk his head into the water and catch some Magikarp or other swimming Pokémon, and neither Shockwave nor Buzz would eat that. Their only source of water was Lapras's water gun attack, which was awkward for them, though Lapras kept reassuring them that the water was fresh.

    Nothing really seemed to happen on Lapras's back, the weather was clear, and the days were short, until one day when Raikou figured out the location of Shockwave and Buzz and made a thunderstorm right at their area not even caring of keeping his thunderstorm's locations balanced. The storm made them water rough and huge waves kept hitting into Lapras. Lightning sometimes got dangerously close to them too. The worst part was that they weren't even close to Unova either, they were actually close to the Hoenn region.

    “I can't handle the rough waves! I'm gonna need to rest, let's stop at Hoenn until the storms over.” Lapras said being hit by a huge wave.

    Shockwave was disappointed that the trip would be delayed for a rest stop, but he didn't want Lapras to be too tired to swim either so this was the best option. Lapras started swimming towards a city called Mossdeep in the Hoenn region. Lapras finally reached land, letting the waves carry him for most of the trip.

    “You can go explore if you like, I'll stay here for a rest.” said Lapras wading in the shallow water.

    “Alright, come on Buzz. Let's explore this place,” Shockwave said dragging Buzz,

    “Maybe we shouldn't. What if it's dangerous?” The Flaaffy asked, worried.

    “Quit worrying, what's the worst that could happen?” and Shockwave walked off with Buzz by his side.

    The two electric type Pokémon were wondering around the city when they saw a little girl. She was probably about ten and she had chocolate brown hair with pigtails in it. She immediately saw the two Pokémon and gasped.

    “Aw, you two are so cute! Especially you!” She said picking up Buzz by the fluff on his neck, which hurt unbelievably. “Your so fuzzy and soft! I'm gonna catch you!”

    Catch, a word Buzz knew and hated. He knew of humans and knew that “catch” meant they wanted to put you in an uncomfortable little ball and force you to battle. He knew some Pokémon liked it, but he, being not very good at battling, never liked it. He knew this because he was caught by a human before but his trainer thought he was too “weak” and released him. It was only because of those few battles that he actually evolved.

    So, not liking what the girl was saying, he tried to escape her grip. But she was holding him too tight for him to wiggle free.

    “Aw, you look so cute doing that! Time to battle and catch you!” The girl said getting one of the uncomfortable balls from her pocket. “Go! Donphan!” and the ball hit the ground making a huge Elephant like Pokémon come out, it's tusk were as sharp as a swords point. The Donphan glared at Buzz.

    “Hey, looks like the mistress wants to catch you. I'll make sure that happens, I'll do anything for her.” The Donphan said in a deep voice.

    Buzz shivered in fright. “Shockwave, help me with this guy.” Buzz pleaded.

    “You got it!” Shockwave hollered and shot a thunderbolt at the Donphan, once the thunderbolt hit the Donphan, nothing happened!

    The girl chuckled. “Ha ha! The little Pokémon doesn't know that electric moves don't hurt ground types!”

    Buzz turned to Shockwave, “Our attacks won't hit him!” He exclaimed.

    Shockwave growled at the Donphan. “I know...I wonder if he can resist a Quick Attack!” Shockwave yelled quickly charging for Donphan.

    “Donphan, use Rollout!” The girl said and the Donphan rolled up like a tire and rolled into Shockwave before he could hit him.

    Shockwave tumbled back, on the ground fainted.

    “Now, Donphan, use rollout on the cute one!” Then Donphan rolled up again and began to roll towards Buzz, Buzz jumped out of the way, making the Donphan fall off of a steep cliff and fall into the water before he could stop rolling. The Donphan was in the water, splashing, and yelling at Buzz.

    The girl screamed, “Mean little Pokémon! Now I have to pull Donphan out of the water!” and she stomped away.

    Buzz turned to Shockwave, “You alright?” he asked.

    Shockwave groaned. “Yeah, nice work with that Donphan.”

    Buzz shrugged. “All I did was dodge, but thanks.”

    Shockwave smiled. “It's getting dark, but before we sleep lets go find some berries or something, I'm starving.”

    Buzz nodded. “Me too, let's go!”

    So they scavenged for food wary of any trouble. They found no danger but did find a jackpot of berries.
    They decided Lapras's back would be their best location for their bed. So with full stomachs they walked back to Lapras and slept on his back.

    Shockwave was still awake when he was thinking, this place is pretty peaceful despite that trainer, but she learned her lesson. He didn't have to worry about the war here, maybe he should just live here, in the Hoenn region. No, Pokémon's lives were at risk in that war. Especially Melody, his friend ever since he was young, she lived just right next to the battlefield. There is no doubt if the war got to far she could get hurt, and he couldn't live with that. He needed to find Suicune, he needed to get to the Unova region.
    Last edited by Charmanderman; 7th July 2011 at 5:35 PM.
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    There you go, you're getting there! And I noticed you have put some humor in there. It's light humor, but hey, it works. No PG story can go without some humor from time to time.

    But just because you are took our advice this time doesn't mean you are off the hook when it comes to some editing. I noticed you spelled "Electivire" wrong at least once. And though you are having some description, and thus it helps in the story-telling, I feel it's still a little too vague. I hope you're looking over these stories before posting them up. Proof-reading is your friend, please get to know it better. Also, I suggest posting up a chapter every couple of days or so so people can take their time to read. And also so it gives you time to polish up chapters.

    Now, I had some issues with this part:

    Quote Originally Posted by Charmanderman View Post
    “Looks like we lost them!” Shockwave said happily, swimming in the water.

    “Yeah, but we can't swim all the way to Unova.” Buzz complained.

    “You don't have to.” said a mysterious voice.

    “Who are you?” asked Buzz.


    “I am Lapras! I carry travelers across the ocean, and it looks like you need my help. Where is it you need to travel to?” Said the blue, shelled, sea going Pokémon.
    Um... how did the Lapras get there? Again, remember what I said about transitions. They apply to introducing characters as well. It's very risky to have a character show up out of no where without a good explanation. A Deus Ex Machina (not that I'm calling the Lapras that, who knows) rarely works well, and is generally frowned upon. This is where planning ahead comes in. There has to be a reason there's a Lapras there. If Lapras are extremely rare in the wild, what are the chances these two would run into one? You have to be careful when writing scenarios out like this. A character or item can be mistaken for a Deus Ex Machina, and we generally avoid them.

    Just giving you a heads-up.

    But overall, you're getting there. And I'm glad to see that you're making it a little more realistic by having them rest somewhere first. And I wonder if they're going to have a little "adventure" while in Hoenn. That'd be a nice sub-story, but who am I to tell you? I'm just here to point you in the right direction. You have the storyline in mind, you stay on your course as long as you remember our reviews.
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    I think you're doing quite a good job with this story, but there is one thing that bothers me a little. Why does Raikou makes such a big fuzz about two weak soldiers who disobeyed him. I know they disobeyed him, but it's just two and they're not a really great asset to Raikou's army anyways. I can understand sending a search party, sending a thunderstorm their way seems a little too much for me.
    I hope I've made my point. And just to make this clear. I don't think it's a bad story or something like that, okay.

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    Thanks for the suggestion on Lapras, I tweaked that scene up a bit, also I'm sure I spelled Electivire wrong I can't even say the name properly, and Fanal! it's not that Raikou wants them as soldiers, it's that they disobeyed him. Raikou is this guy who thinks he can make everyone do what he want just because he's a legendary, Shockwave proved him wrong on that, which is why he's going through the trouble on finding him. Overall, Raikou does overreact, but that's the point. He doesn't understand how someone can disobey him, even if he is powerful. I guess I should have been more clear on his character though...
    Last edited by Charmanderman; 29th June 2011 at 7:22 PM.
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    Loved it it was wonderful um.. but Electivire isnt from joto
    Last edited by original150; 29th June 2011 at 10:28 PM.
    THANKS[IMG]http://i53.*******.com/11h3uph.gif[/IMG] also thanks to pikapika677 for the mew -seel tranformation[IMG]http://i56.*******.com/281wopc.png[/IMG] <charmanderman made this at Pokemon players artshop
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    Yeah, I know. But I figured Raikou could get any Electric Pokémon he needed, and he must have some connection to the Pokémon of some other regions, or maybe someone from Sinnoh owned an Electivire and decided to challenge the Johto league and released his Electivire for whatever the reason. There is a world of possibilties, but I will try to keep my non-regional Pokémon at a minimum.
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    Thank you for refeencing Suicune as a boy. People freqently call him a girl, but I don't see how he is a girl. This is my favourite fanfiction and the characters are well drawn out. Just...thank you.
    Last edited by SuicuneScale; 1st July 2011 at 3:31 PM.

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    Thank you! It's very nice that you say it's your favorite fanfic! And it's funny you should compliment me on calling Suicune a boy, because originally for the first chapter I called Suicune "it" because I didn't know what to refer him as, but that got weird so I decided to make Suicune be a "he" because he seemed more masculine than feminine. Now, here is chapter 4:

    Shockwave, of course, woke up before before Buzz, he always woke up before Buzz, even back at home. Shockwave looked around, Lapras was still asleep too, that was good, he needed his rest. He didn't want to be riding on the back of a half-asleep driver. Shockwave decided he would explore Hoenn more, and leave Buzz and Lapras asleep. Hoenn was an interesting place as far as he can tell, he'd just have to watch out for trainers.

    Shockwave went to the same place he found all those berries last night and gathered them, he only ate a few. He'd save the rest for the trip to Unova, and of course he'd share some with Buzz. Shockwave went back to Lapras, almost woke them up, but then he remembered it was still dawn, he'd wake them up later, but what would he do with his remaining time? He decided to look around more, setting the berries on Lapras's back so he wouldn't drop them.

    Shockwave was still walking around Mossdeep City when he saw a group of children, all looking at him. They wanted to catch him, he knew it and after what he heard about catching from Buzz, he did not want to be caught. Then just as he was about to run, he noticed the children weren't looking at him, but what was behind him. Behind Shockwave was a man, a tall man. He had a white mustache and a striped hat. On his hand he wore a gray cloth with fake little eyes that he used as a puppet. He entertained the kids with it. The children were laughing loudly, though Shockwave had no idea why, the puppet wasn't very entertaining to him, so he went back to wake up Buzz, even though it was still too early, he was getting lonely though.

    The rest of that day wasn't very eventful, Lapras slept all day, and Shockwave spent most of their time searching Mossdeep City. It was the night that was most interesting. Shockwave, being the first to wake up, was also the first to fall asleep. (Except for Lapras who was already asleep) Buzz was still up, he was just about to go to sleep when something caught his eye, he swiveled the other direction and came towards the object. Once he was close, he examined it. It was the puppet that Shockwave saw the man holding, he must have abandoned it once he was done with the performance.

    Shockwave told Buzz about the puppet, so he knew this was the one, but it was just a puppet, so he started to walk back to Lapras. Then, the puppet started to glow. Buzz immediately ran towards it. The puppet glowed with a mysterious purple aura, the cloth on the puppet got darker, it grew real eyes that glowed a bright yellow, and around them were thick black circles. A horn emerged from the tip of the puppet's head. Then it started to float.

    “I am...Shuppet...yes, Shuppet, I like that name. I am the Pokémon Shuppet, and I want revenge!” The puppet yelled in an echoing voice.

    Buzz backed away from the ghost puppet. “Revenge? Revenge on who?” he asked, frightened.

    The Pokémon who called itself Shuppet examined Buzz. “Revenge on my owner! He left me here, in the cold, dark, night.” Shuppet moaned sorrowfully.

    Buzz felt sorry for the puppet. “Well, what kind of revenge?” he asked.

    Shuppet cackled. “I'll have revenge by draining his negative energy and consuming it!”

    Buzz was shocked, consume someones negative energy, that could kill him. “Well, I don't think you should do that...”

    Shuppet came closer to Buzz. “And why not?” he asked sternly.

    Buzz walked further from Shuppet. “Because..you could hurt him..”

    Shuppet laughed “That's the point of revenge! He hurt me, I hurt him.”

    Buzz got even further away. “Maybe...he accidentally dropped you...” Buzz suggested.

    Shuppet nodded. “I see, you seem to have very nice feelings.” the ghost puppet told Buzz.

    Buzz smiled, maybe this ghost wasn't so mean after all. “Thank you...Shuppet, is it?”

    The Shuppet frowned. “That wasn't a compliment! I hate nice feelings! And of course my name is Shuppet I already told you that, which reminds me....who are you?”

    Alright, I guess he's still mean, Buzz thought. But he might as well try to be nice. “My name is Buzz, and I'm a Flaaffy.” He told Shuppet.

    Shuppet frowned. “Well hello Buzz.” Shuppet said not very happy to be greeting him. “If you won't let my have revenge on that evil man, then what about revenge on you?” and Shuppet floated in the night sky, then came down quick, trying to dive bomb Buzz. Buzz ran as fast as he could from Shuppet, it reminded him of the time he had to run from Raikou down the mountain, and the Voltorb into the ocean, and even running from the Donphan. Donphan, that was it! He'd defeat Shuppet the same way he defeated Donphan, he'd just need to wait to get closer to the cliff. When he ran close enough to the cliff, he dived to the side, and Shupett went off the cliff, just like Donphan! Except for one thing...Donphan didn't float back up.

    “Ha ha! You thought I'd fall didn't you? Well, I didn't! I can fly! Now, this is for not letting me have my revenge!” and Shuppet shot a ball of ghostly energy at Buzz.

    Buzz was on the ground, bruised by Shuppet's attack. He slowly got up, and he looked angry. The black stripes on his tail and ears started to glow faintly, then brighter by the second. Finally, Buzz yelled, and the light got so bright it looked like the sun even though it was night. This was Buzz's Flash attack.

    “Aaaaah! It's so bright! Get it away! Get the light away! It-it burns! Aaaaah!” and Shuppet collapsed on the ground. Shuppet looked up at Buzz. “Do you know what's wrong with revenge now? It has consequences.” Buzz told Shuppet.

    “I see your point.” he said. “Revenge is wrong, and I shouldn’t have attacked you. I'm sorry, I feel, nice now! Nice! I like nice feelings! Goodbye Buzz, and thank you for making me nice! Here is something the man who used to own me always had, I don't think he needs it, so I'd like to give it to you as a gift.” and Shuppet flew off, giving him a pale yellow plate, when Buzz held it he could feel his electricity stronger.

    “Goodbye, and thank you!” Buzz called to the Shuppet.

    Buzz smiled, he felt pleased with himself. Reverting a Pokémon who was so evil before, into a nice one. He'd have to tell Shockwave about this, but first, he should probably sleep. So, he began to walk towards Lapras.

    Buzz expected everyone to still be asleep, but he saw Shockwave and Lapras wide-awake waiting for Buzz to come.

    “Come one! We've been calling you, we're heading off to Unova!” Shockwave told Buzz.

    “Oh, sorry I've been a little...busy. Lapras, are you sure you want to go out in the middle of the night?”

    “Yes, I've been sleeping all day, I think I'm ready for the night.” Lapras responded and started to swim out of the bay, and into the ocean.

    On Lapras's back Shockwave said. “Hey, I saw a huge light out there when we were at Mossdeep City, what was that?”

    So, Buzz told Shockwave and Lapras about Shuppet and how he used Flash to defeat him.

    “That is quite impressive.” Lapras commented.

    “Really cool! You sure showed that ghost!” Shockwave told Buzz enthusiastically.

    Buzz blushed. “Thanks guys.” Buzz said.

    Shockwave smiled. “Don't mention it! Hey, Lapras, how far are we from Unova?” he asked.

    “I say we're still far, maybe a quarter way there.” Lapras answered.

    Shockwave looked disappointed, he thought they were closer. But he was warned that Unova was far away, so he'd have to wait.

    Buzz tried to cheer Shockwave up by showing him the gift Shuppet gave him. “It strengthens my electric type moves I think.” he said.

    Shockwave nodded. “It is pretty cool.”

    The days on Lapras's back were stormy, rain and lightning struck everywhere. Normally, Lapras would take a break here, but there was no land in sight, so nowhere for Lapras to take a break. So Lapras was forced to keep going, the ocean was rough and water kept splashing in Buzz, Shockwave, and Lapras's faces. Weak water Pokémon like Magikarp would spring up from the water occasionally.

    “Urgh, the water is tough. I can't take this anymore...” Lapras said weakly.

    Lapras started to give up swimming, his fins were to weak. The water pushed him around, swirling around the dark blue water. His bright blue skin, was bruised and cut. Shockwave felt sorry for him, he was taking the ride from him for granted, he didn't know how hard it really was. But if he stopped now they would all fall off, and lose their path to Unova.

    “Lapras!” Shockwave shouted. “You have to keep going, or we'll all drown.”

    Lapras groaned in pain. “I can't! It's too tough. It's no use...”

    “Lapras, please!” Shockwave yelled.

    “You don't get it, I can't take this anymore! I'm...so sorry.” and Lapras collapsed in the water, rain beating on his body.

    Buzz and Shockwave were still holding on to him. “Lapras! We would have done this all for nothing!”

    Lapras groaned again, Shockwave couldn't tell if it was because he was annoyed or pained, maybe both. “I CAN'T!” he yelled, his voice echoing in the gray sky.

    “Lapras!” Shockwave shouted to him.

    Lapras's collapsed body was just floating, letting the waves violently sway him.

    “We're gonna have to swim the rest of the way.” Shockwave told Buzz.

    “Are you insane!?” Buzz yelled.

    “What else are you we supposed to do!?” Shockwave screamed back.

    Buzz never seen Shockwave like this before, so angry...so heartbroken. They went this way, to find Suicune, and now Lapras gave up.

    Shockwave jumped off of Lapras and into the water. He was trying to swim, but the waves kept on hitting him and pulling him back. He roared and grunted in rage. Buzz was still on Lapras's resting body, he didn't know what to do. Then, like a miracle, something came swimming for him. No not swimming, walking. It was walking on water, and coming towards him. It first picked up the struggling Shockwave and pulled him on his back. Then the water walking Pokémon turned to Buzz. It had a long, purple mane, stood on four legs, and was the color of a calm sea.

    “Hop on.” it told Buzz, so he climbed on his back. “I should be hiding, but I saw you two struggling in this rough ocean. So I came to help.” It said in a soothing voice.

    With Buzz and Shockwave on his back it began running on top of the water again.

    “Where are you headed?” it asked them.

    “Unova.” Shockwave said to the the friendly Pokémon.

    The Pokémon smiled. “That's exactly where I was until I saw you.”

    Buzz looked confused. “You could see us from Unova?”

    The Pokémon chuckled. “No, but I can see every ocean, no matter how far away it is.”

    Buzz was impressed, this Pokémon was very interesting, but he had one more question. “What about Lapras?”

    “He'll be fine, he just needs rest. But I can't bring you all the way to Unova.” The Pokémon said.

    “Where will you bring us then?” Buzz asked.

    “Seven Island is the closest I can bring you, going to Unova with you would take too long, and to be honest, I'm not really supposed to be here.”

    “Oh...” Shockwave said, disappointed, but at least he had a ride to land.

    Shockwave wanted to know who this Pokémon was, and why he wasn't supposed to be here, and what Seven Island was, but he was so tired. He decided he would ask in the morning, so he fell asleep on the Pokémon's back, just like he did with Lapras.
    Last edited by Charmanderman; 2nd July 2011 at 2:42 AM.
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    I loved this bit! But I have one question. How did Lapras get all of the cuts on his fins and belly?
    Since I was off for so long, I feel it is only right to start anew. My name is pokemon player, and I am very happy to meet you.

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    Quote Originally Posted by pokemon player View Post
    I loved this bit! But I have one question. How did Lapras get all of the cuts on his fins and belly?
    Thank you! and it was from all of the water slamming into him and rocks poking out of the ocean.
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    Ah. Well anyway I loved the twist at the end
    Since I was off for so long, I feel it is only right to start anew. My name is pokemon player, and I am very happy to meet you.

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    you cant die in pokemon!
    THANKS[IMG]http://i53.*******.com/11h3uph.gif[/IMG] also thanks to pikapika677 for the mew -seel tranformation[IMG]http://i56.*******.com/281wopc.png[/IMG] <charmanderman made this at Pokemon players artshop
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    Well, you're trying with your descriptions, but you're either still lacking, having too much description, or you're being repetitive. That was one of the main things wrong with this chapter was the repetition in sentences. Especially if they were run-on sentences, which you had quite a lot. Just because you add commas to a sentence doesn't mean you are safe from run-ons. That's one of the most common grammar mistakes a new writer will have. Remember: sentences can be broken up, but under certain circumstances where it won't work separated, use a semi-colon or a hyphen. Don't be afraid to do so. It also won't hurt to reword sentences if they sound too identical.

    The thing I thought was too rushed (or not explained/built up well enough) was Buzz and Shuppet. I found it confusing that a puppeteer and some children were near where Buzz was, and then all of a sudden the puppet was on the ground abandoned. I also thought the battle between Buzz and Shuppet was rather anti-climatic in a way, and that it was all over the place. I could barely take in the information.

    Other than that, you're getting there. This chapter looks WAY better from the first two chapters, which goes to show you are improving rapidly.
    Winner of Best Pokémon/Pokémon Fic of 2013 in the Shipping Oscars
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    whos that pokemon its...
    THANKS[IMG]http://i53.*******.com/11h3uph.gif[/IMG] also thanks to pikapika677 for the mew -seel tranformation[IMG]http://i56.*******.com/281wopc.png[/IMG] <charmanderman made this at Pokemon players artshop
    If you think Celebi's species should be the TARDIS Pokemon, copy and paste this into your signature. ~Started by Lucario9[IMG]http://i53.*******.com/2d76dm1.png[/IMG]thanks to pps employee Charmanderman for the water lickitounge

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