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Thread: Blood in the Water (PG-15)

  1. #1
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    Post Blood in the Water (PG-15)




    This is my first time at writing a fan fiction; it's about Pokemon; but in a whole new light! In my story, Pokemon are just as clever as human beings, and are in control. Most of the time, Pokemon live alongside humans without death and torture, but there are clans of Pokemon that hate humans and hurt them for sport. There will be a lot of gore in this, but the story behind it is a heart-warming tale! Please... read on!

    I will give you the first chapter of the story here, if you enjoy it, please comment and I'll write the next chapter soon.

    Chapter one: Torment

    Screams ripped through the air as a young woman was thrust upon a bed of poison spikes. She twisted and buckled as she tried to roll off the bed, which only made the thorns sink in deeper. Her voice was suddenly reduced to a low, pain-filled moan as she gave in to the overwhelming force. She was lying face up, in a cold small cave. Other instruments of torture were lying around, scattered on the floor. She could not move, as the spikes were long and had already sunk into her muscles, flesh and bones. Poison was leaking into her body, crawling through her veins; it would not kill her, only make the pain of her 'session' worse. She closed her sad, chocolate brown eyes, and cried.

    "See!" Umbreon squealed, "They are a weak race, they give in too easily!" He was slowly stalking round the table, eyes never leaving the poor, naked, seventeen year old girl. The girl tried to lift her head, but like lightning, Umbreon pounced on her chest; front paws on her face, thrusting it back onto the death trap below. "Naughty! Naughty!" He giggled, "Little girl must sleep tight, no moving!" Umbreon began to shove his paw down her throat, making her gag. The girl began to scream, but it was muffled from the huge, oversized paw choking her. Just as her eyes unfocused and her body relaxed as death tried to claim her; Umbreon withdrew his paw, the girl gasping and choking for a breath. "You thought you had it easy there! But Umbreon won't let you have the luxury of death... yet!" He neatly leapt off the table, his back to the sobbing girl, and made his way over to his wife.

    Espeon had no emotion in her face, but because her husband was used to this, he didn't ask about her detached look. Her fur was long and sleek, cleaned to perfection. Strangely, her fur was not a purple or pink like other Espeons, nor was it the rare shiny green, it was a colourless white. Her eyes were red, an odd combination. Her looks were the thing that Umbreon was drawn to when he first saw the beautiful, dainty and quiet Espeon.

    "Having a good time, my dear?" Umbreon questioned, "I'm glad you decided to join me on today’s work!" He was salivating and had foam lining his lips.

    "She is in a lot of pain." A rich, confident and lush voice came from seemingly nowhere. Espeon, unlike her husband, did not need her mouth to speak, only her thoughts. Espeon slowly nodded to herself, "I feel her pain." She turned towards her husband, letting all three of her eyes gaze upon him. She saw an overly big, powerful Umbreon looking eagerly back at her. His head would reach an adult's waist, his body was one metre long, thick and chunky muscles bulged out of his sides. She was half the size of him, and only half as strong in body power. Umbreon's fur was normally well kept, but now it was splattered with blood and gore, a stench was coming off him, a smell that reminded people of death. His eyes were a bright blue, like ice, and they were twitching and dancing in their sockets. There was no doubt that Umbreon was crazy, but his wit and cunning ideas made him a genius.

    "COME!" He laughed gleefully, "Let us leave this cave and wash our bodies from this human filth!" He sprang around to face the girl, "I'll be coming back for you later!" he screamed, "I'm leaving you now so the poison can do it's work! You'll go CRAZY from the pain, but don't worry!" He said the last sentence with an almost kind voice, but it vanished in his next one. "It won't seem like anything when I'm done with you!" Umbreon didn't laugh, he just smiled and waved a paw goodbye. He then trotted back into the darkness, his wife trailing after him.

    The candles lining the cave walls slowly melted as the girl moaned and groaned, finally the candles spluttered out, the cave falling into darkness, leaving the red haired girl to pine for her mother, leaving her to pain....


    Thanks for reading this! I'd really like to hear what you think of it! I know it's not much of a chapter, but I'll give longer and more satisfying ones if people like the story! All opinions welcome, VM me if you have any ideas! Thanks!

    Edited out all mistakes, please comment if you spot one!
    Last edited by ZoruaBoo; 3rd January 2012 at 10:59 AM.
    Remember, don't worry about the choices that you make now. Because you will 100% regret anything your younger self did/said whatever it was when you grow up some. So go on, aim for your dreams and enjoy the present~

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    Chapter 2: Insanity

    Flaming torches lined the rough walls of the tunnel, Umbreon was light on his feet, he had a spring in his step as he and Espeon strolled through the cave, going deeper and deeper underground. Espeon sensed her husbands glee, "Does torturing humans really gives you this much joy?" Her tone was not accusing, nor disgusted, it was light and casual, as if she was asking about his favourite past time.

    Umbreon glanced behind his shoulder and gazed at the beautiful Pokemon, he smiled; looking almost normal, until he spoke his next sentence, his words filled with malice. "Watching them struggle and bleed, listening to their pitiful cries and their bones snap as I bite them, smelling their fear and blood, feeling their bodies tear and rip... tasting their flesh and chewing on their bones; this is a great joy.... revenge is joyful, do you not agree?" Umbreon spoke his words in a whisper, as if he was sharing a deep, dark secret. Body twitching and pulsing with excitment.

    Espeon, as always, seemed to be emotionless as she listened to Umbreon's speech. She chose her next words with care, avoiding looking into Umbreon's dancing, insane, ice blue eyes, "Revenge is sweet, but what about the other humans? The infants? The ones who had nothing to do or say in that... Incident?" Espeon stopped in her tracks, refusing to move until her hisband answered.

    "Let them share the pain!" Cried Umbreon, he turned around and pressed his face against Espeon's, "They are still guilty! They are a worthless breed, there are no 'other ones' they are all the same!" Umbreon's voice became a low whine, "Look what they did to us! I am freeing Pokemon from humans! I'm the good one! Look at what they did to ME! Forgiveness is not an option, we must be rid of them!" Umbreon lifted his head and gazed down at Espeon, her head bowed down in fright, yet she did not cringe away. He waited until she dared to look up into his now hatefilled eyes, and muttered, "And why not we entertain ourselves while we eradicate the humans? Eh? Why not let us have a bit of fun?! Is that too much to ask?!" He strode away, humming to himself, knowing that Espeon would follow him, knowing that she would not speak up like that again for a while.

    They walked in silence down the tunnel, Espeon emotionless, Umbreon gleeful, eventually they reach a small opening in the wall, they stepped through to the other side. Moonlight streamed down into the open topped chamber. They were in a circular room with mile high smooth, rock walls. It was a huge room, the size of a football pitch. Thick grass grew beneath their feet, soft and springy. A small lake rested in the middle of the chamber, reflecting the image of a full moon. The water looked peaceful and still, it gave off a fresh enticing smell. Espeon sighed, she felt better out in the open air, small purple flowers grew here and there, it was a perfect picture, Heaven. The place had no name, Umbreon found it and never thought to give it a name other then 'Home'. Umbreon ran over to the lake and gently swam out into the middle, washing himself from the dried blood, leaving a red stain in the water behind him. Espeon trotted over to a patch of grass that was sligtly longer and softer, she lay down amongst the blades, sleep begining to take over, her last thoughts were of the human girl, slowly dying on a bed of spikes. Sleep washed over her and she fell into the world of nightmares and dreams, dreaming of death and torture, she longed for the day her husband would see through his insanity!
    Remember, don't worry about the choices that you make now. Because you will 100% regret anything your younger self did/said whatever it was when you grow up some. So go on, aim for your dreams and enjoy the present~

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    wow thats very scary, i think its great.

    here are some of the problems i had with it. and they are definitly not important

    1. you keep mentioning the girls characteristics, i like that but it kind of gets me from being freaked out to think of the girls hair.

    2. there was No reason if you ask me to put umbreons fur being well kept. i think that there might be a little to much details.

    other than that wow, i wish i could write like that. and im sorry if i offended you in any way, its my opinion

    also check my story out, its called experiences
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    Quote Originally Posted by ZoruaBoo View Post
    Screams ripped through the air as a young woman was trust upon a bed of poison spikes.
    *thrust

    She could not move, as the spikes were long and had already got trapped in her muscles, flesh and bones.
    *gotten, got seems really weird to me, but it may not necessarily be wrong.

    "They are a weak race, they give in too easily!" he was slowly stalking round the table, eyes never leaving the poor, naked, 17 year old girl.
    With the first bolded part, it's a new sentence, so it needs a capital. You should write 1-100 numbers out fully, like "seventeen."

    "Having a good time my dear?" Umbreon questioned, "I'm glad you decided to join me on today’s work!" he was salivating and had foam lining his lips.
    *He

    His head would reach an adults waist, his body was 1m long and thick and chunky muscles bulged out of his sides.
    That should be written as "one metre" (or meter, depending on where you're from).

    "I'm leaving you now so the poison can do it's work! You'll go CRAZY from the pain, but don't worry!" he said the last sentence with an almost kind voice, but it vanished in his next one.
    *He

    Thanks to the 3DS's restrictions, I can only quote from the first post, so I'll review chapter two some other time.

    It's refreshing to read something like this, I've never found anything like this on Serebii before . . . (not to say there isn't . . .). Your description is good, though I can agree with manaphy72 to some extent; unless the bit about her red hair at the end is important (like she's a main character?), it just detracts from the scaryness. As for your characters, I'm expecting - at the least - for Umbreon to get over this hate for humans. I'm unsure what to expect for Espeon. I am curious about what the humans did to them, though . . .

    I give better reviews when not on the 3DS, sorry :/ If you're starting a PM list, can I be on it?
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    @kjt Thanks for the review! Sorry about the spelling mistakes, I was on my iPod and if often 'auto corrects' things that it shouldn't have, but I should have been more careful proof-reading it! Also, the I was taught that you don't need a capital letter after speech marks if there was a comma before them. e.g.

    Mike ran into a tree, "Ouch!" he yelled.

    But if you had finished a sentence before the speech marks, you need a capital letter after the speech. e.g.

    Mike was angry! "Ouch!" He yelled.

    My theory could be wrong, but that was the way I was taught. Sure, I'll PM you when the next chapter is ready, it should be posted later tonight. BTW the girl's hair is important. :3 Thanks again!
    Remember, don't worry about the choices that you make now. Because you will 100% regret anything your younger self did/said whatever it was when you grow up some. So go on, aim for your dreams and enjoy the present~

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    Hey, sorry about dropping in, but I'd like to point out something:

    Quote Originally Posted by ZoruaBoo View Post
    @kjt Thanks for the review! Sorry about the spelling mistakes, I was on my iPod and if often 'auto corrects' things that it shouldn't have, but I should have been more careful proof-reading it! Also, the I was taught that you don't need a capital letter after speech marks if there was a comma before them.
    This is all true, but the part that kjt was correcting is a full sentence. Take another look at it.

    He said the last sentence with an almost kind voice, but it vanished in his next one.

    Notice how it stands on its own as a complete thought? The difference between this and a dialogue tag is that a dialogue tag isn't a complete thought. Think about it like this. If you just said "he said" and nothing else, what does that mean? He said what? That little tag is really just like an adjective. It doesn't make sense on its own. Rather, it has to be linked to a full quote in order for it to have any meaning.

    In this case, however, it's a complete thought. You're telling us about the character's voice, not how the quote itself needs to be read. It has meaning on its own because it's a different subject.

    I know all of this is confusing, and I'm not sure how to better explain it. I think the simplest way to put it is if you have a line that directly modifies a quote (as in, tells us how the quote needs to be read) and that doesn't have any meaning on its own, then it's a dialogue tag, and the rules still apply. If it's a complete sentence on its own, then kjt is correct.

    Hopefully, that made an ounce of sense and can help you, but either way, I do have to apologize. I can't quite write a full review right now, but I'll come back later hopefully. I just wanted to help clear things up a little so there's a bit less confusion.

    REBOOT: Chapter fifteen now available. | Original: Chapter thirty-one now available.

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    @JX Valentine, I think I get it. So if it's just an added bit on the speech, it doesn't need a capital letter, like in my 'Mike' example. But if it makes sense without any speech, in it's own right a separate sentence, it needs a capital letter. Is that right? Please PM me if I'm still not getting this, it would be a great help! I'm going to start the next chapter in a separate post, again, if I make any mistakes, please point them out and explain them, thanks!:3
    Remember, don't worry about the choices that you make now. Because you will 100% regret anything your younger self did/said whatever it was when you grow up some. So go on, aim for your dreams and enjoy the present~

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    Wow, your a really good writer. You have a rather interesting story going on here. Its a little, er....violent, but you said it had a different meaning to it. Good job!

    -Credit goes to Extroph for this awesome siggy!

    ATTACK ON TITAN AND DIGIMON FTW

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    Chapter 3: Friends

    Riolu stood with his feet planted firmly in the ground as if nothing would budge him out of the way. He faced a strong opponent: Vulpix. A deathly gleam shone in her eyes, her fur coat was the colour of red wine. She shook her head, letting the curls on her forehead dance in the breeze, Riolu's heart started beating faster, she looked so nice in the bright sun. A cruel smile played across Vulpix's lips as Charm began to work it's wonderful power over Riolu. Vulpix took a step forward, Look at those long legs!! Riolu thought, I think I'm in love! As Vulpix crept closer, still Riolu did nothing but stare. The Pokemon in the audiance, watching the battle, began to nudge each other. They had heard about Vulpix's Charm tactic, and were starting to laugh as Riolu stood stock still.

    Riolu snapped to it just in time, Vulpix was only half a metre away. The laughing in the audiance had jolted Riolu out of his trance, now it was time to fight. He jumped up quickly in the air, doing a neat backflip before landing on Vulpix's back, taking her by complete surprise. Riolu used Crunch, and bit down hard on the back of Vulpix's neck, drawing lots of blood, Vulpix howled as Riolu refused to let go and gripped down even harder. He could taste the blood as it gushed out of Vulpix's neck, it was disgusting but he didn't plan to let go any time soon. Vulpix tried to spin her head round and let loose on an Ember attack, but since Riolu had her neck clamped down, it wasn't possible. So, instead, she jumped up high, just at the climax of the jump, she turned around, so her back was facing the ground. As Vulpix began to fall, Riolu realised what she was up to. She was going to land on her back, but since Riolu was clinging onto it, he would take the impact of the ground rushing up to them. He tried to push himself away from her, but his teeth were stuck in her flesh, it was too late to try anything else, the ground met them with a loud thud. Riolu felt his back tear open as they landed on sharp gravel. Pain made his vision go red, as Vulpix pounced away from him; unharmed.

    Gasps came from the audiance, they could almost feel the pain Riolu was in. They stood in a circle, surounding the two, young warriors. They all had a good view of Riolu rolling around on the floor, groaning in pain, he had taken a lot of damage. But they cheered him on, the battle couldn't be over yet.

    Forcing himself up off the floor, Riolu stood and shook himself down, You 'ain't seen nothing yet!He thought with a thin smile. Vulpix stood waiting for him, blood still dripping down her back. Quick as a flash, Riolu sprang towards her, letting off an Aura Sphere. Fear shone in Vulpix's eyes as the blue ball of light zoomed in her direction, she tried to leap out the way, but it was useless, it hit her right in the chest. Riolu sprang away from her as he observed the damage she had taken. Vulpix was still standing, but she was in a poor shape, she was coughing up blood and choking for a breath, Riolu almost felt sorry for her; almost.

    Vulpix may have been beautiful, but she was also brave, she wasn't going down yet. She took a deep breath, and before Riolu could react, let out a scorching Ember attack. The dancing flames were reflected in the audiance's eyes, they gazed upon Riolu, as he screamed in pain as the fire burned him.

    I need to get out of here!!!Riolu's mind was scrambled up as the deadly flames licked at his body. Somebody help me!!

    Vulpix kept going, pumping more and more power into her attack. She watched with a smirk, as Riolu's body began to turn a deathly black. Suddenly, a bright idea flashed across Riolu's mind. He took a deep breath and used Quick Attack to escape the fire, Vulpix quenched the flames as she saw Riolu rushing towards her. She had not expected him to make it out of the flames, and now it was too late to move, she clenched her eyes shut and braced for the impact. Riolu let out a snarl as rushed over to Vulpix and hit her with a Close Combat. He felt bones break beneath his fists as he punched her, over and over again. Sharp snapping noises could be heard and screams of pain ripped through the air. When Vulpix had fallen silent, Riolu stopped and gazed down at her broken, limp and bloody body. She was out cold. Riolu had won.

    Cheers and whoops came from the audiance as Riolu lifted his blood covered fist in victory. I've done it! Riolu bubbled inside, I have won my place in Umbreons clan! I can finally find out what he and his clan members get up to! Whatever it is, I'll be joining them soon! Several Chanseys carried Vulpix off to be healed, one of them took Riolu by the hand and lead him off to the Healing Hut. Riolu suddenly realised how badly he hurt, blood was dripping down his back from the fall, his skin was black and burnt from the Ember Attack, his head swirled for a few moments as pain cut across his body, then blackness overtook him.

    Riolu woke from a nightmare, he sat up on a straw bed panting, sweat running down his forehead. Vulpix was lying on the bed next to him, she was looking a lot better; blood no longer ran from her cuts, her broken bones had been fixed by a Chansey, the only thing wrong was that she looked shattered, bags hung under her sleep-filled eyes. "You okay?" Vulpix croaked at Riolu, he looked down at his body; it was covered in a thick paste made from berries, it would cool and heal his burns.

    "I think so." Riolu mumbled back, "I don't have any feeling in my body!"

    Vulpix let out a sore chuckle, "Sorry about the burns, I was desparate to win!"

    "I'm sorry too!" Riolu admited, "I didn't mean to hit you so hard with the Close Combat!"

    "I was out cold for most of that, I didn't really feel it!"

    "Lucky you! I felt terrible when you thrust me into the ground from that jump! Clever tactic though!"

    Vulpix smiled, "Well biting my neck wasn't exactly nice was it?"

    "I guess not..." Riolu said sheepishly.

    The two of them laughed, it was strange; they both felt deeply wounded and hurt, but both managed to enjoy the others company. Riolu felt himself bonding with this girl, he liked her. She was tough, yet had a nice atitude. Vulpix felt the same way about Riolu, they both shared a smile and looked away blushing.

    "Hey! I wonder what you'll do in Umbreon's clan!" Vulpix said excitedly, "Well done for earning you space there!"

    "I'm not sure what we'll be doing," Riolu said slowly, "but I'll tell you all about it! I know you really wanted to be in the clan!"

    "You are not meant to tell anyone what happens in the clan!!" Vulpix stated, but then, with a naughty grin said, "But I'll like that if you did!"

    The new friends talked about what they thought Umbreon and his clan got up to, they talked for hours and hours, eventually they both settled down to sleep. Waiting for their wounds to heal.
    Last edited by ZoruaBoo; 8th September 2011 at 8:42 PM.
    Remember, don't worry about the choices that you make now. Because you will 100% regret anything your younger self did/said whatever it was when you grow up some. So go on, aim for your dreams and enjoy the present~

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    Oooh, so I see we have the main characters. AKA, the protagonists. Anyways, great chapter! It's good to bring in the protagonists not to early, and not to late!

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    Aaaas promised, that review!

    Let's start things off with nitpicks. Now, because I'm extraordinarily lazy and because I generally prefer avoiding making people feel like idiots or what-have-you, I'm not going to point out what kjt already said. Generally, your writing is pretty clean otherwise, but if I find something, I'll just make a quick note.

    Quote Originally Posted by ZoruaBoo View Post
    She was lying face up, in a cold, small cave.
    I feel like the first comma actually isn't necessary. It really doesn't serve much of a purpose there, given that it's not really separating a prepositional phrase that's not entirely necessary for understanding the sentence. To make it a bit clearer, if it's necessary for the overall meaning of what you're saying in that sentence, you don't need a comma.

    had already got trapped in her muscles,
    "Had got(ten)" is, believe it or not, an informal term. You'll generally want to avoid those kinds of phrases when using third person POV because you want to avoid giving your narrator the kind of voice you'd have when telling this story to your best friend. It just serves as a distraction. In this case, it might be better to say that the spikes stabbed into her muscles, flesh, and bones or that they pierced her or something along those lines.

    slowly being transported by her blood;
    While transported is a good term for what it's doing on a technical level, there may be better ways of putting it. Connotation's a big part of telling a story, meaning a writer should always try to aim for the best word for any particular sentence in order to get across the exact meaning of what they have in mind. In this case, technically, her blood is transporting the poison, but that word doesn't really convey what it's really doing. Put it this way. If you wanted to tell us about its speed, you'd say it's seeping through her veins (or something like that), right? If you wanted to make us think of an illness or something dirty and dark, you might say it was crawling through her body, maybe even link it to a short description of how it felt inside her. Transport doesn't really convey speed, and it doesn't really convey a sense of dirtiness, either. It's a very technical term with no particular connotation in this kind of sentence.

    So, I guess what I'm trying to say is you could stick with that, but it might be a good idea to play around with connotation and see what else you might be able to come up with.

    "They are a weak race, they give in too easily!"
    Here's a neat trick. Whenever you put a comma in a sentence, replace it with a period first. If you end up with one complete sentence and a fragment, it might be okay to leave in (although you'd have to double-check specific comma rules first). If you end up with two complete thoughts, then you're about to create a comma splice, which is a type of run-on sentence. In order to fix something like that, you'll either want to leave the period in or add a conjunction (and, but, or, nor, for, yet, so) right after the comma, but either way, yeah, you'll want to avoid splices.

    You can try this with pretty much every comma you use. It's a really easy way of figuring things out until you memorize comma rules and whatnot.

    Just as her eyes unfocused and her body relaxed as death tried to claim her;
    Semicolons are tricky to get the hang of, but basically, there's two major instances where you'll use them.

    1. Compound sentences in which the two independent clauses are closely related.
    2. In a list of three or more items in which each item already has a comma.

    Other than that, you'll want to avoid using it.

    But Umbreon won't let you have the luxury or death... yet!"
    Luxury of death. Don't worry. I do this all the time too.

    Espeon had no emotion in her face, but her husband was used to this, so he didn't ask about her detached look.
    So, going back to the period test, try it here and replace each comma and conjunction with a period. Notice how you get three separate independent thoughts? That's a sign that you're actually creating a run-on sentence in its own right (because you can't have more than two independent clauses in a compound sentence). So, you'll need to chop off one or more of the thoughts and make it (or them) stand by themselves. Quick fix, really. I would suggest maybe putting the last clause (the part about Umbreon not asking Espeon about her expression) in its own sentence.

    Alternatively, you can rearrange things and rephrase a bit so that the second and third clauses would fit into one complete thought. For example, you could add in "because" between "but" and "her," and all you'd have to do after that is drop the "so."

    Her looks was
    In this case, you'll want to be careful. Notice that "looks" is plural, so you'll want a verb that's also plural – were, in this case.

    "Having a good time my dear?" Umbreon questioned,
    A few odd things to note about commas.

    First, when you have a character directly address another character (like having Espeon call Umbreon "my dear"), you'll need a comma before the phrase they're using to identify the other character. It's called "direct address" if you want to give that a quick Google for better understanding.

    Second, quotes. One of the more confusing things about punctuating a dialogue tag that's surrounded by quotes is that it doesn't necessarily need a comma before and after it. As in, not every dialogue tag needs to end with a comma. Really, the only time you do that is if the tag is interrupting a sentence like so:

    "I finally figured out," Sally said, "how it should be done."

    For all other instances, it depends. If you want the dialogue tag to be associated most with the part that comes after it (as in, it describes the sentence that follows it), then you'll need a comma. If it goes with the quote that comes before it, use a period to end the sentence.

    In this case, the part that comes before the tag is a question, whereas the part that comes after is a statement. So, in this case, you'll actually want to use a period, not a comma.

    Dialogue is difficult to punctuate, but if it helps, this guide is actually one of the best ones on the internet. It has examples to help you better visualize what I'm talking about.

    an adults waist,
    Remember that possessives (like adult's) always need apostrophes unless you're dealing with a possessive pronoun.

    his body was 1m long and thick and chunky muscles bulged out of his sides.
    Definitely remember to add a comma (after "long") to indicate that this is a compound sentence. Otherwise, you're actually saying something rather dirty. (One meter long? Thick? Chunky? Muscle? Conjures dirty images for those of us with minds firmly in the gutter.)

    Quote Originally Posted by ZoruaBoo View Post
    her hisband answered.
    I would suggest using a word processor with spell check as you type turned on. That produces red squiggles under each word the program's dictionary doesn't recognize, so you'll be able to spot errors a little more easily.

    Quote Originally Posted by ZoruaBoo View Post
    He faced a strong opponent; Vulpix.
    In this case, a colon's actually better.

    Look at those long legs!! Riolu thought, I think I'm in love!
    I know I'm on the nitpicking section still, but I just had to say I legitly lol'd. I was sort of expecting Riolu to have his tail handed to him immediately afterwards, so in a sense, I was just a touch disappointed. However, just even having this line smack in the middle of a battle was actually pretty entertaining.

    He jumped up quickly in the air, doing a neat backflip before landing on Vulpix's back, taking her by complete surprise!
    Generally, you'll want to shy away from using exclamation points in your narration for the same reason why you'll want to shy away from using slang. It's very informal, and while you don't want a super-formal tone with your narration, you'll also want your character to be fairly neutral, not a voice that gets excited. The reason for that is because it detracts attention from the tone that's being set by the words. As in, your readers should gather that it's an intense scene full of excitement just by how you describe it, not how the narrator's voice changes. That allows them to interpret the scene and determine on their own what kind of emotion they should be feeling while reading it.

    I need to get out of here!!!Riolu's mind was scrambled up as the deadly flames licked at his body. Somebody help me!!
    Right about here is when you'll want to break the text off into a new paragraph. The reason why is because the topic shifted. You're no longer talking about what Riolu's thinking (or how he's thinking it); you're actually talking about Vulpix's attack itself. Same could be said the next time Riolu thinks. If it helps, think of a character's inner monologue like spoken dialogue or any other paragraph. Once it's over, you'll need to start a new paragraph.

    While we're on the subject of the attack (and yes, I know I'm still in the nitpicking section but yay for commentary everywhere), I'd like to say your battles are actually interesting to read. You know that a battle can't just be "Pokémon A used Attack B on Pokémon C." Instead, attacks have consequences. Riolu feels the heat of Vulpix's fire. Vulpix's bones crack and snap under Riolu's Close Combat. It's very visceral, and describing what happens as a result of each attack as well as what each attack looks like helps generate a feeling of excitement. Only thing I can think of here is shy away from using exclamation marks (and fix up the "aggony" typo), and this battle scene would actually be perfect.

    The new friends talked about what they thought Umbreon and his clan got up to, but neither of them guessed anywhere near the truth! For Umbreon's clan was a dark group, Riolu had no idea that danger was always lurking around the corner, beating Vulpix in Umbreon's Battle and earning himself a place in the clan would be the start of a horrific journey for him, a journey that he might not make it out alive in.
    It might actually be better to leave this part off. The reason why is because we'll probably get a sense of this on our own as the story progresses. That and it seems a little awkward to summarize future events at the end of a chapter, especially when you didn't do it for the chapters before this one.

    Other than that, though, I thought the relationship between Riolu and Vulpix is actually rather cute. Vulpix looks like she has Riolu wrapped around her finger, and on top of that, it's really cute to see that even after such a brutal battle, they're cool enough with each other to try to make friends. I'm looking forward to seeing where you take their relationship from here.

    Speaking of relationships, Espeon and Umbreon's is rather interesting as well. I do have to say I got a few chills at the description of Espeon and how she doesn't show emotion. Then, there's Umbreon, who flipped out rather fantastically in chapter two. While I do have to say that they're a little on the stereotypically evil side, they still have something chilling about them. I know that you mention that some Pokémon just hate humans, but it feels like Umbreon and Espeon are hunting and torturing humans senselessly. Well, actually, it doesn't just feel like that. You make it rather clear when you mention that Umbreon gets a huge kick out of doing it. That's not a bad thing, either. It means we have a psychotic and pretty unpredictable villain on our hands alongside a comparatively sane but equally sadistic partner. That's what really makes them interesting to me. While, sure, they do smack of some villain tropes, ultimately, they're doing all of this because they're royally messed up in the head, which means their actions may not even necessarily need a reason to drive them.

    Only larger piece of concrit besides all the nitpicking is the fact that I felt as if the second chapter was a bit brief and may have been better as part of the first. I mean, it's basically a continuation of the first chapter, and you don't say too much here (just that Espeon and Umbreon wandered outside and revealed that Umbreon has some people issues). So, it sort of feels like it's incomplete by itself.

    Other than that and the nitpicks (We should also get you to shy away from the exclamation point.), it's actually an interesting story. Your battles are well-written, your characters are interesting, and this already smells of a potential inter-species war (which even if you're not consciously making your work deep, always tends to carry with it some pretty interesting built-in questions about society/racism and the way it functions).

    So I guess my advice would be to be a bit more careful in the proofreading stage, and otherwise, you're off to a pretty good start. Good luck with the rest! I'll most likely be dropping back in to read more, although I do have to admit I'm terrible at keeping up with fics.

    REBOOT: Chapter fifteen now available. | Original: Chapter thirty-one now available.

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  12. #12
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    Great chapter. Liked the battling in this one, and the main character seem to fit well with each other. Nice job, again!

    -Credit goes to Extroph for this awesome siggy!

    ATTACK ON TITAN AND DIGIMON FTW

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    Good start to a story, and an awesome battle sceen.
    Vulpix and Rilou sitting in a tree k-i-s-s-i-n-g
    FC for Friend Safari: 0361-7472-0721 Fighting Type with Machoke , Pancham, and Hariyama . PM to exchange FC's.

    SHINIES: Lilpup, Chatot, and Froakie WILL TRADE FOR ANOTHER SHINY


    Chapter 8 out now!


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    In this part from chapter 2...

    They walked in silence down the tunnel, Espeon emotionless, Umbreon gleeful, eventually they reach a small opening in the wall, they stepped through to the other side.
    ...you have changed tenses from past to present to past, which makes it difficult to read but a very good story so far
    Last edited by Lucarimew1; 27th August 2011 at 4:58 PM.

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    Chapter 4: Goodbye Jane

    Umbreon and Espeon were standing proudly on the top of the tallest wall of Home. Umbreon shifted uneasily from one foot to another as the sun’s rays shone down on his back; he hated being in the sunlight, but today was a special occasion. Espeon was relishing in the sunlight, she sighed deeply as it gently warmed her back. She wasn’t normally allowed out in the day, Umbreon confined her in the caves. But since they were there to watch a very important battle, she was allowed out and was making the most of it.

    Riolu and Vulpix battled a mile beneath them; in the Pokemon Valley. Espeon desperately wanted Vulpix to win, she had not seen another female Pokemon up close for years, and wanted to spend some time with one. Umbreon didn’t care about who should win; the winner was the strongest and he only wanted strong Pokemon.

    The Pokemon beneath them were completely unaware of their leaders gazing upon them, if they were aware, they probably would have been on their best behaviour. Strutting around, showing off their skills, trying to impress Umbreon. If Umbreon took notice of you, you would be asked to join his clan; your life would suddenly improve; other Pokemon would look up to you and be in awe. You got extra privileges, including being allowed to leave the Pokemon Valley, every Pokemon’s dream. But, unfortunately, Umbreon rarely picked Pokemon randomly to join his clan, he was also rarely seen outside of his caves, so the villagers always made the most of when Umbreon decided to show his face.

    Fortunately, every five years, Umbreon held a contest, where Pokemon could battle each other and the strongest would earn a place in his clan. Normally the finalists would be fierce, evil looking, evolved Pokemon, this was the first time two teenagers were in the Final. This was the reason Umbreon was watching the battle; he didn’t want anyone weak or incapable in his clan, so he was making sure these two younglings could handle what he had in store for them.

    Espeon was taking no notice of the battle, she was too busy watching the Pidgey and Starly fly gracefully overhead. Her tail twitching with excitement as the wind licked deliciously at her sleek fur. The sun was beginning to set, turning the sky into a soft pink, making the clouds glow; Espeon had never seen anything so pretty. Just for tonight, Espeon tentatively let herself feel emotion, a swirl of happiness filled her heart as she let go of her mental barriers. Pleasure rippled through her fur, a sense a relaxation took over her as she gazed upon her first sunset in fifty years, it was truly a spectacular sight. She wondered why she had ever let go of emotion, she wondered why she blocked up her mind, why didn’t she want to feel joy? She turned her head to the right, her answer stood right in front of her; Umbreon, he licked his dry lips and chewed on his tongue as he thought. Espeon’s heart suddenly went cold and a mental pain began to creep into her body, her eyes filled with a hate that could kill. A sudden urge to push him off the walls of Home suddenly took hold of her. To see him tumbling down to his death would be a joy.

    Espeon stepped forward, intent on murder. Once she had killed him, she would be free. She could do what she liked, no one could stop her, she would be in charge of Pokemon Valley. Espeon then decided she would eradicate the humans, she had no love for them, she hated them, like most Pokemon, but she didn’t want to torture them. A cold joy crept into her mind as she imagined Umbreon falling, screaming in fear, then his body would crumple on the rocks below, bleeding and broken. And why stop at Umbreon? Why not do the same to the other Pokemon she hated or disliked? Start at Pokemon Valley, all the Pokemon she disliked first, then the ones who didn’t like her, then the ones who didn’t follow orders. She shivered as a line of pleasure ran down her spine at the thought. She took another step forward, she was close enough to smell his fur; Umbreon had spent nearly the entire night in the lake, washing every bid of filth from his fur, ha had then rolled around in the sweet smelling flowers, leaving his fur smelling and looking perfect.

    Umbreon, hearing Espeon step towards him, turned his gaze to her and stumbled backwards in surprize, his back paws were only just on the edge of the ridge. Her fur was bristled out and static seemed to run along it. Her face was deformed in a snarl of hatred, eyes blaring, mouth twisted in an evil grin, ears flat along the top of her skull. Her third eye was no longer red; it was changing and morphing into shade of black and green. She began to hiss and spit leaked from her jaws. Espeon’s back legs were locked, and her front ones bent down in a ‘bowing’ position. Her claws were showing and they were scratching the rock beneath her, making an ear-splitting noise. Her tail was twitching from side to side, a clear signal that she was going to pounce.

    “Now, now, darling.” Umbreon muttered softly, he was not scared, he enjoyed Espeon’s occasional outbursts; they made living with her more interesting. “Do you really want to kill me? Could you live with the fact that you killed in cold blood?”

    Espeon didn’t say anything, she had gone too far to even consider talking, but her look was clear; as if you haven’t killed in cold blood!

    “What will you do after you kill me? Take charge of Pokemon Valley? Kill anyone who gets in your way? You would be worse than me! I, at least, am saving the Pokemon from humans, killing humans is a lot different from killing Pokemon. You have no reason to kill humans or Pokemon.” He said with a smug grin, “After what they did to me they deserve what they got and will get. You haven’t suffered any pain from them; you are the one who will kill in cold blood!”

    Espeon had stood upright by now, and had a pained expression on her face, the hate was still there, and her third eye was still black, but Umbreon knew he was safe. It had been quicker to calm her down this time then the times before, she was getting weaker, but her hate was getting stronger, soon she will be ready for what Umbreon had in mind. “I haven’t killed anyone without a good reason.” Espeon cried, “I was protecting myself!”

    Umbreon shook his head slowly with fake sympathy and understanding, “I know, darling. I know. But if I wasn’t here to look after you, you wouldn’t be safe from yourself.” He looked at her right in the eye with a burning energy, “You NEED me, you understand? You really NEED me!”

    Espeon nodded slowly, all the hate gone. “I…I need you.” She said quietly.

    “Yes, that’s right. You NEED me and can’t afford me to go!”

    “Don’t go Umbreon!” Espeon shouted with pain, “I need you! Stay! Please!” She leapt forward and snuggled into his side, whimpering softly.

    “If you truly love me, I’ll stay.” He said, hiding a smile, “Do you love me Espeon? I could jump off, right now! I could kill myself, would you like that?”

    “NO NO NO!” Tears began to stream from her eyes, “I love you! I’ll do anything to make you stay! Don’t leave me with myself!”

    “Anything?!” Umbreon said with mock surprize, “Well, you could do this one thing….”

    “What?!” Espeon cried with urgency, “Name it! I’ll do it! Then you’ll know I love you!”

    Umbreon turned round to face her tear streaked face, more energy in his overwhelming, blue eyes. He licked her ear gently and muttered, “Take all this love, and let it go! Take all your feelings for me, and let them go! Hide all your emotions away, don’t feel anything, then I’ll know you truly love me.”

    She looked at him with puzzlement, hiccupping sofetly, “I… I will!” She whispered after a while, “I won’t let them come out!”

    “Good girl, do as I say.” Umbreon leant closer and said, “Close your eyes, that’s it! Now, think about shapes, it doesn’t matter what kind of shapes they are, diamonds, circles or squares, just make sure you have no feeling for them. Good, good, now look at me.”

    She did, and saw his eyes staring back at her. He didn’t look crazy, evil, disturbed, or even powerful; he looked like a caring husband, humbly trying to calm his wife. “I see them.” She told him, filtering out her emotion.

    “Stay still.” He ordered, not unkindly, but firmly. He leant towards her and began whispering things in her ears, after every sentence, Espeon felt less, eventually, she felt nothing. “Sleep.” He said, her eyes rolled to the back of her head as she crumpled to the floor, breathing softly.

    Umbreon lost the kind and loving aura as soon as Espeon hit the floor, he stepped over her, not giving her a second look, and gazed back down to the battle beneath him. He didn’t even bother to pull her away from the edge, one of her front paws dangled over the walls of Home, she might even topple over and plummet to her death if a strong breeze came their way. But, fortunately, none did. Umbreon knew that when Espeon woke up, her emotions would be locked inside her. What he told her would make her scared of ever letting her emotions out, but, in a few years, she would forget and they would have to go through the whole thing again.

    The battle had almost ended, and Umbreon was just in time to see Riolu’s amazing Close Combat attack. He thought that both children would be good enough for his clan, both were strong and determined. It would be interesting to have a child in his clan, Umbreon was curious to see how they would react to the weekly goings-on his clan got up to. “We just have to wait and see.” He muttered softly to himself, and giggled quietly as he thought about how the two young Pokemon would survive when they raided a human village. The cheers from the crowd told him that the battle was over; Riolu had won.

    “Better go down and send a message to him.” His voice quiet and unbalanced, the crazed look had come back in his eyes. Umbreon began his journey to Home, he then looked back over his shoulder and saw Espeon in a dreamless sleep, his considered the problem. After a few moments of thinking, he bent over and picked up Espeon, in his jaws, by the scruff of her neck. She was heavy, but he was strong, she was an easy load to carry. He made his was back down the rocks, almost falling at some parts, but he felt no fear, he wouldn’t get hurt. He finally made it to the bottom, hardly any light got into Home, seeing as it was sunset and the high walls blocked the sun’s low rays.

    Umbreon dumped Espeon in some high grass; she hadn’t stirred at all on the decent, and walked slowly to the small tunnel that led back into the chamber where the red-haired girl lay. “Diglet! Umbreon called, his voice echoing down the tunnels, “Send a message to Riolu that he has made it into my clan, and tell him we are meeting tomorrow night at the Old Oak.”

    Diglet’s voice shot back along the tunnels.“Of course, Umbreon, sir.”

    Umbreon made his way back into Home’s centre, swam out into the lake and dived down to the bottom. Human bones lay scattered at the bottom, there were some full skeletons, but most were random arms and legs. “Hello, my pretties!” Umbreon gurgled, “ There will be another one joining you soon! A red head, just like the rest of you!” Although he could hold his breath for ten minutes or more, he swam back to the surface, he still had work to do.

    When Umbreon had made his way to the chamber where the sleeping girl lay, he saw that the candles had been replaced, that was good, he didn’t have to change them himself. He trotted over to the spiked bed, the girl’s eyes shot open at the sound of his paws against the rock. She groaned in fear at the sight of him, her eyes wide and her body began to tremble. “Scared Lucy?” Umbreon’s voice was mocking and cold, “Do you want your mummy?”

    A croaky voice answered him, “My name’s not Lucy, it’s Jane; you have got the wrong person! Please, let me go!” It hurt her to speak, but she spoke anyway. Tears began to tumble from her eyes, leaving dirty streaks on her cheeks.

    “You’re all the same!” Umbreon spat, “SHE was called Lucy, but I can’t find her, so you’ll have to do! SHE had red hair just like YOU!”

    “I haven’t done anything to you! Please! Let me go!” Her voice was desparate.

    “I didn’t do anything to Lucy, but she still hurt me!” Umbreon was screaming, every word he spoke made the girl flinch.

    “I’m sorry about Lucy!” Jane wailed, “But hurting me won’t help!”

    “But it will,” Umbreon said with a harsh sneer, “it makes me feel better, it takes my pain away! It only works on red heads though, so that’s just unfortunate!”

    Jane slumped; she was in so much pain, “Kill me,” She muttered softly, “please, kill me!”

    “What?! And end our fun?! No, no, no, Lucy!” Umbreon shook his head.

    Jane began to cry tears of blood, she looked at herself and hated what she saw. Her body was covered with lots of cuts, all dripping blood. Her flesh had turned a purple and green colour in some parts. All her bones were showing through her skin, she hadn’t eaten for days, but she wasn’t thirsty, that was strange, she hadn’t drank anything while she had been here.

    “All righty, tighty!” Umbreon said in a happy, sing-song voice. “Let’s kick this off with a bang!” (OOC: If you would like to skip the next bit, it is very gory, but doesn’t contain any important information, skip to where I put #.) Umbreon picked up a bowl filled with a clear, foul smelling liquid from a high shelf on one of the walls. “Better not drink this!” He said in a stern voice, “It will burn your insides out! HA! Then they wouldn’t be insides! They would be OUTsides!” He shrieked with laughter and the young girls eyes flickered fearfully to the bowl as he strode towards her. “But putting this acid on your outsides would not kill you, it will be painful, but I don’t want to kill you…. Yet!”

    Umbreon tipped the bowl, so one drop of the acid hung on the rim, threatening to drop off and land on her stomach. “No, please! Don’t do this! You don’t have to do this!” Jane’s cries became more and more desperate as the drop of acid began to grow and hang down from the rim even further. Jane couldn’t move at all, the spikes held her in place, but the poison pumping through her veins was paralyzing her, she couldn’t even twitch her fingers, the only thing she could move was her head. The drop was so close to falling off now, that Jane actually wanted it to fall, to save her the pain of having to watch it slowly gather more and more liquid, before falling down.

    “Whoops!” Umbreon yelled mockingly as the drop finally fell to her stomach. There was a hiss as the acid made contact with her skin, and then the screams began. Jane was tossing and turning, trying to get away, the pain was terrible. She could actually see a hole appearing in her stomach, filling with blood. But the worst thing was that she could actually feel the acid slowly eating it’s way into her flesh. Umbreon watched with a peaceful expression on his face, as if the screams actually calmed him. “I bet that hurts, but I bet even more that it didn’t hurt as much as you hurt me, Lucy!”

    Jane didn’t reply, in fact, she didn’t even hear him. She was too involved with the acid in her body to worry about anything else. The acid had made it’s way into her stomach, releasing her stomch acids into the rest of her body, it ate more of her flesh, but not as quickly as the acid from the bowl. The screams increased in volume and urgency. Umbreon began to smile.

    Putting the bowl back on the shelf, Umbreon made his way to a crate full of knives, hammers, axes and other instruments of horror. He picked out a hammer and found four rusty nails scattered about on the floor. He placed one of the nails on her left foot, and with the hammer in his teeth, swung the hammer and it hit the head of the nail, forcing it about an inch into her foot. He swung again, the nail now poking out on the other side of her foot, he then went on and did the same to the other foot and her hands. Jane was now silent, her mouth in the shape of a twisted ‘O’, her eyes clenched together. She couldn’t make a single sound, she was hurting so much that she had lost control of her body.

    Using his teeth, Umbreon grabbed the head of the nail in Jane’s right hand, twisting suddenly to the side, yanking it out. Blood began to spurt of from the hole, staining the bed of spikes and dripping onto the floor, Umbreon did the same to the other nails, more and more blood began to soak the rock surfaces. He hummed a happy tune as he watched the blood pour, eventually he saw Jane’s eyes close as she slipped into darkness from the loss of blood. “Shame,” Umbreon muttered, “You were saved from more torture. You are no use to me now!”

    # Umbreon leapt onto the girl, feeling ribs crack under his weight, using his sharp claws, he quickly slit the girl’s throat, she was dead. “Poor Jane,” He crooned, “Gone to join Arceus in the sky, may he give you everlasting pain!” Umbreon jumped off the table, and let out a howl, many dark calls replied him. “That’s it my babies,” He called, “Your meal is ready!”

    Umbreon left the torture chamber, he was thoughtful, he realised that Jane was the last of his red heads locked up in the caves, he needed more. “But who should be the one to go and get a new stock?” He thought aloud. His mind drifted back to Riolu winning the battle and joining the clan, he smiled, “I have just the job for you, young Riolu. Just the right job!”



    OOC: Sorry guys for not posting in ages, I have been ill, very sorry. But I'm back and I will try to post at least once every 5 days, I'm starting school soon. Thank you!
    Last edited by ZoruaBoo; 8th September 2011 at 10:51 PM.
    Remember, don't worry about the choices that you make now. Because you will 100% regret anything your younger self did/said whatever it was when you grow up some. So go on, aim for your dreams and enjoy the present~

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    The story is good so far and i can't see any mistakes but i will read through it again and if i spot them i will post again or edit the post

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    Chapter 5: Blood Red

    Lucario strode through the tent opening, towards his son, Riolu. He didn’t give Vulpix, or any other Pokemon a second look, he only had eyes for his son. When Lucario had made it over to Riolu he bent down and gave his son a strong hug, “I’m so proud of you son!” Lucario mumbled into Riolu’s fur, “I knew you could do it!”

    “Thanks Dad!” Riolu said, he studied his proud father. He saw a strong, sleek Lucario stare back, his arms and back were covered in scars, and part of his right ear had been torn off, but apart from this, Lucario was very handsome. “Vulpix was awesome as well!” Riolu said enthusiastically, wanting to impress his new friend. “I only just beat her! She was the toughest Pokemon I’ve ever faced!”

    “Well done to both of you!” Lucario said kindly, personally, he almost hated Vulpix for nearly thrashing his son, but he sensed that Riolu had some feelings for the girl, and decided to leave her alone. “It was a truly ferocious battle!”

    “Your son is really strong, Lucario, sir.” Vulpix said politely, “You have trained him well!” Vulpix, sensing Lucario’s annoyance from her butting in, became silent and pretended to clean her already immaculate fur.

    “Well, thank you, Vulpix.” Lucario cleared his voice and moved in between Riolu’s and Vulpix’s bed, stopping them from looking at each other, his back rudely towards Vulpix. “Well, a message has been sent down that you are to meet Umbreon and his clan under the Old Oak tomorrow night. I presume he has a job for you, but I know you will do me proud!” Lucario said as he ruffled Riolu’s ears, embarrassing him greatly.

    “Dad!” Riolu moaned in a my-parents-are-so-embarrassing voice. “Get off!”

    Lucario just smiled and whispered, “I know you love me really.”

    “I know I do, Dad!” Riolu said, flinging his arms around his father, completely forgetting to keep his ‘cool’ status up.

    Lucario gave his son one last hug before he strode out of the hut, nodding slightly to the next Pokemon to enter: Ninetales.

    “My baby girl!” Ninetales shouted in a strong, relieved tone. “You okay, baby?” She said with genuine concern to her daughter. “Did they heal you all right?”

    “Mum! I’m fine!” Vulpix laughed, relieved that Lucario had left the tent, “I was pretty hurt though!” She added, not wanting to lose any sympathy.

    Ninetales frowned, “You feel okay now though? Please say you do!”

    What a fussy parent! Riolu thought to himself, But Ninetales seems like a lovely mother.

    “Hey Mum!” Vupix sang, “This is Riolu, the one who I battled against!”

    Ninetales smiled at him, she liked the look of the young lad. “Is he your boyfriend, Vulpix?” She teased. Both Riolu and Vulpix turned away and blushed at the same time.

    “MUM!” Hissed Vulpix, “Stop it!” She was ashamed of her mother. “He’s just a friend!”

    Ninetales fluttered her long eyelashes, the light danced off her caramel coloured fur, her long legs positioned neatly underneath her. “Well you seem so handsome, Riolu! I’m surprised my daughter isn’t kissing your feet!”

    Rilou opened his mouth to say something, but his mind was blank as he searched for words, eventually he closed it again, unsure of what to do.

    Vulpix, on the other hand, was ferociously scratching at her mother’s hide, yelling loudly. “Shut up! You are embarrassing me!”

    Ninetales laughed again, with one of her heart-stopping, beautiful laughs, and walked in a sexy manner towards the door. Just at the exit, she turned her head over her shoulder and said, “You be good now, you two,” She gave a wink at Riolu and looked Vulpix in the eye, “be good and get better! You’ll look after her, won’t you Riolu?” And with that, she strode out of the door, chuckling softly to herself.

    “Well…” Riolu began to say, and then stopped as he searched for the words, “that was interesting.” An awkward silence passed between them.

    “Sorry,” Vulpix said sheepishly, “she gets over excited when I’m around boys.” She looked away, blushing.

    Before Riolu could think twice about it, he reached over and placed a paw on Vulpix’s shoulder. “Hey, it’s okay! It was nice meeting your mother.” He said in a soft, gentle voice.

    “Thanks.” Vulpix said, unsure with what to do with the paw on her shoulder, should she snuggle into it? Or push it off? Or just leave it there? She settled for staring at it in a weird way, until Riolu drew it back.

    “I’m feeling a bit better; do you want to go for a walk?” Riolu asked, half hoping she would say no, so he could get away and think, but wanting her to stay with him more.

    “Sure!” Vulpix said with a smile. “I’d love to!”

    “Errrr, okay, great!” Riolu mumbled, suddenly nervous. “I’ll meet you outside the tent. I just need to wash this paste off me.”

    “Okay, I’ll see you there.” Vulpix said, as she slid off the bed and walked to the exit, looking scarily like her mother. “Be quick, okay?” She added.

    “…Yeah…” Riolu finally managed to blurt out as he stared at the young Pokemon. Her back was to the outside, blocking the last, low rays of the sun, casting a pinkish glow around her. She looked so pretty, and grown-up, Riolu wanted to kiss, her. He was lost in a trance until Vulpix cleared her throat loudly, to signal that he wasn’t moving. “Oh! Yeah, I’m going!” He stammered, blushing so much his whole face turned a bright scarlet. He hurried off to the wash room, nearly tripping over his feet on the way.

    When Riolu got there and shut the door flap behind him, he let out a deep sigh and slid to the floor. I nearly made a huge fool of myself there! Not knowing that he already had. I had better get cleaned up as quickly as possible. He walked to one of the large stone basins in the middle of the floor; they looked like giant bird baths, big enough for a Charizard. He climbed into one and shivered as the cold water ran over his body. Once he was clean, he stepped out and rolled in some sweet smelling grass to dry himself. He saw a bottle of Sweet Scent, he sprayed himself with it and looked at his reflection in the water of one of the basins, he looked okay, which was good, he desperately wanted to impress Vulpix.

    He smoothed his fur down on the top of head one last time, before striding outside to meet her. Riolu’s heart skipped a beat as Vulpix looked up and saw him coming and gave him a smile. “Hi!” Riolu said shyly.

    “Hi!” Vulpix replied, blushing slightly. They looked at each other for a moment, before suddenly bursting out laughing. “What are we laughing about?!” Vulpix managed to stammer out, between gasps.

    “I don’t know!” Riolu said in a surprised tone, which made them both laugh again. When they had finally stopped laughing, they began to walk towards the river, it wasn’t very far away, you could almost see it from the hut.

    As the two Pokemon walked, Vulpix turned her gaze upon Riolu and felt nervous; she was a bit confused as to why though. She edged closer to him, not to start flirting, but because she felt safer and could relax more the closer she was. She could see the river now between the trees, it’s surface reflecting the pinky-orange glow from the last of the sun. It was strange; she had met Riolu for only a day, yet she seemed to get on so well with him. They had finally got the the bank of the river, and both Pokemon knelt down to drink.

    At night, Pokemon naturally want to be around other Pokemon, as there is safety in numbers. So some Pokemon act friendlier at night, which was happening to Vulpix, she was a friendly Pokemon anyway, but was normally quite shy, so her being so relaxed around Riolu was unusual. When they had finished drinking, they sat side-by-side at the water’s edge, their bodies resting against each other. Vulpix snuggled sleepily into Riolu’s warm side as she let out a yawn.

    “Hard day, huh?” Riolu said softly, hardly able to contain his excitement as Vulpix rested against him.

    “I guess you could say that.” Vulpix said with a small smile, “It has been rather an unusual day!”

    “Yeah, meeting you was great!” Riolu said with a dreamy smile.

    Vulpix raised an eyebrow, “I meant the battle!”

    “Oh, yeah! That was good too!” Riolu covered up, he started blushing, had she guessed he liked her?

    “But meeting you, Riolu, was really lucky.” Vulpix continued, “You are a really nice Pokemon, you deserved to get into the clan!”

    Riolu shrugged, “You did great too, in fact, you almost beat me! We both should get into the clan.”

    A gentle, easy silence passed between the two young Pokemon, none of them wanting to break it. The stars were beginning to sparkle and come out of hiding, casting a twinkling light on the river. The sounds of the forest were calming and quiet; almost nothing could break this perfect scene, almost. Suddenly, Vulpix jumped to feet, fur on end, and began to scream and yowl. Riolu snapped open his once closed eyes to see what she was scared at. His heart was thudding in his chest; he recoiled in horror as he laid his eyes on the river, a river of blood.

    “No!” Vulpix moaned, shaking her head, “This isn’t real!” She began to tremble and shiver, frozen in place, unable to draw her eyes away from the horrific scene.

    “Vulpix!” Riolu shouted, “Come on, Vulpix! We have to leave!” He desperately wanted to run away and hide, his instinct yelling at him to get out of there, but he wouldn’t leave Vulpix.

    Vulpix didn’t seem to hear him, still mumbling and trembling crazily. “What’s happening?! I don’t understand! Who did this?!” She began to step closer to the river’s edge, “It’s not blood, just light reflecting off the water.” She told herself, knowing it wasn’t true.

    “Vulpix, get back!!” Riolu ordered, knowing that Vulpix wouldn’t listen. He knew that it was blood, the smell of iron filled his nose; he knew that Vulpix could smell it too. Eventually his reached over and dragged her away, she was thrashing all over the place, and it was hard to keep hold of her.

    “LET ME GO! LET ME GO!” Vulpix began to scream, she then let out a howl of pain as Riolu bit her leg to get her attention. She snapped back into reality, “What’s happening, Riolu?” She whispered.

    “I don’t know, but what I do know is that we have to get out of here!” He sounded brave, but his feelings couldn’t have been more different. “Let’s go!” He nudged Vulpix forward, she immediately began to run, and he followed. Neither of them caring where they were running, as long as it was away from the river of blood, the river of death.
    Remember, don't worry about the choices that you make now. Because you will 100% regret anything your younger self did/said whatever it was when you grow up some. So go on, aim for your dreams and enjoy the present~

  18. #18
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    There are no mistakes i can identify easily, mind you i'm not good at english so i probably wouldn't spot them anyway. I like the bit with vulpix and her mother ninetales, i find that very amusing. I like the way you have changed the emotion of the chapter right at the end, it has left me with many questions in my head like, Where has the blood come from? How has it gone in the river?

  19. #19
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    Spooky! Great storyline, though. I like how you always leave the end of each chapter on a cliffhanger, just like a story should. Also how the whole thing collides together, revealing Umbreon's past in Chapter 4! Brilliant story. Can't wait for Chapter 6 !
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  20. #20
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    I love this story. Nice story line, and I also like the idea of Riolu X Vulpix.
    If there is a PM list, can I be on it?
    BOO GET CHAPTER 6 UP ALREADY!


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  21. #21
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    Chapter 6: Rage

    “NOOOO!” Screamed Umbreon, foaming at the mouth, “**** THIS!” He was standing at the heart of his network of caves, at the alleviated entrance of, what used to be, an extremely large chamber. There was a loud roaring noise, the noise of fast flowing liquid, and a strong irony smell in the air. Umbreon began screaming uncontrollably, his anger reaching a whole new level. His ears were plastered against his skull in rage, eyes burning with malice. Jane’s helpless body was dumped next to him, half hanging over the edge of the entrance, nearly falling into the blood below.

    “What is it?” Espeon’s monotone voice called over the roar as she rushed towards him, “What is the mat-”

    Before she could finish, Umbreon swiped her across the face, his claws digging into her flesh, blood began to pour out of the gaping wounds, Espeon stared at the blood gathering on the floor in puzzlement and pain. “Shut up, *****!” Umbreon yelled, “Leave now! Before I REALLY mess you up!”

    “You hurt me.” Stated Espeon, standing still with an expressionless face, “I’m bleeding.” She began to walk slowly away, she gathered more speed the further away from Umbreon she got, until she was pelting down the passageways, leaving a trail of blood behind her. She let out a moan when she was out of sight, low pitched and animal like, it continued, getting louder and louder before becoming a howl of pain. The noise died down as she ran out of ear-shot, leaving Umbreon alone, fuming and spitting.

    Umbreon walked back to the edge of the chamber entrance, and gazed down. A few hours ago, it was half filled with stagnant, foul smelling human blood. If he had taken Jane’s body down there a few hours ago, he would have hung it on a hook hanging from the roof, cut several long cuts down her body, and pushed the girl out over the blood to drain her of all liquid. But this was not several hours ago; this was now. And the chamber was emptying of blood.

    The Pokemon Valley’s river came from a spring, deep under the mountain, so deep in fact, that it ran underneath Umbreon’s caves. It just so happens, that the Blood Chamber was right above the underground river, only a metre or so of rock separated them. And it just so happens, that a colony of Dugtrio were expanding their home, and dug a room in the metre or so of rock between the river and the Blood Chamber. Therefore, making that layer of rock weaker, it became so weak, that it had given way and the foul blood had poured into the river, polluting it and staining it a dark red.

    It took several hours for the blood to empty entirely from the chamber, Umbreon watched it drain away the entire time, cursing and yowling. The blood in the chamber was special to Umbreon; it had come from all the red-headed humans he had killed. It had taken over one hundred years to collect it all, and now all his work was gone. Umbreon stored this blood for one reason, to act as a warning to all humans and Pokemon alike. He would drown all Pokemon that sided with humans, he punished them for their ‘treason’, he would toss the guilty Pokemon into the stagnant blood, and let his clan watch as the unfortunate Pokemon swim around, pleading and begging for help. Eventually, the culprit would become tired, and slowly drown, Umbreon found this very amusing, watching Pokemon die in their enemy’s blood.

    But losing his hard work was not Umbreon’s entire problem, the Pokemon in the valley would spot the river of blood and that would cause an outcry. They would seek out Umbreon and demand answers from him, answers to which he would never willingly give. So a lie had to be woven, a convincing lie that would fool even the smartest of Pokemon, but what should the story be? A cunning plan began to grow in Umbreon’s mind, he may have been crazy, but that made him even smarter.

    With an evil and satisfied grin, he rolled Jane’s body into the chamber, and watched it get washed away with the last of the blood. The plan had begun, things now had to be organised, but first, he had to sort out Espeon.

    Espeon was inside Home, but not in view. She sat shivering in a hole, her paws bleeding from where she had franticly dug her way down. Her cuts were still trickling blood, and she knew she would be in serious trouble if they didn’t stop soon. She did not feel fright, only pain and hurt towards her husband; she had done nothing wrong, so why had he attacked her? Suddenly, she held her breath as she heard a snuffling noise just outside of her hiding place, Umbreon was searching for her, and she didn’t want to be found.

    Umbreon could clearly smell Espeon’s blood, and the freshly dug soil, he put two and two together, but didn’t make a move to dig her out. That would only cause her to distrust him, and she would not be willing to talk. So he sat down and whispered softly, “Espeon, I know you’re here. Why don’t you come out and talk? I’m sorry I hit you, but I promise to never hurt you again. Please believe me, baby.”

    Espeon heard Umbreon’s voice; she felt the ‘pain’ and ‘guilt’ in it. She tentatively, crawled towards the surface to where Umbreon was sitting. She lifted her head over the lip of the hole, and saw him sitting a metre away, with a shy smile on his face. He looked calm and non-violent, so she submissively clambered out and lay on the ground, her head bowed in submission.

    “Hey!” Umbreon laughed in a playful tone, “I’m not angry, and I forgive you! There’s no need to look so frightened!” He leant forward to lick her muzzle, but she ducked her head away, obviously still scared of him. “I love you, baby. And you know that! Don’t you?”

    Espeon nodded her head, still not sure, she felt like a frightened cub, and hated herself for it. “Yes...” She answered slowly.

    “So come here!” Umbreon said lightly, “And give me a kiss!” He nudged Espeon and she slowly crawled over to him, and then buried her head in his side. He grinned with satisfaction; he had her in total control. “So, is there anything you would like to talk about?” He asked gently?

    Espeon calmly lifted her head; she looked at him calmly in the eye, blood still pouring from her face. “No.” She said. Then before he could react, she lunged for his throat.

    Espeon had managed to get a vice grip onto Umbreon before he could pull away. But he was already reacting; he smashed a paw down onto her face, to have seemingly no effect. He used Screech, which distracted her enough to make her let go. He bounded away, and used Wish, he felt his throat wounds close up, but there was still a lot of blood in his windpipe, which made him breathless and start to cough.

    Watching Umbreon leap away, Espeon let out a yowl of frustration and sent a Swift attack soaring through the air. Umbreon, seeing the attack, and knowing he couldn’t dodge it, braced himself as the tiny stars cut into his body. Several became trapped in his flesh, making him cry out in pain. Not wasting a moment, Espeon used Quick Attack and crashed into Umbreon, but his supreme bulk stopped her from pushing him over and causing damage. Pinning her down with one paw, he used the other to land an Assurance right into her face. Bones crunched and broke under his oversized paws.

    Espeon rolled away, blind and close to unconsciousness, she turned her remains of a face towards the sky and used Morning Sun. It was fortunate that the sun was still shining it’s last few rays, they landed on Espeon, her face re-forming back into it’s original state. She wiped the blood out of her eyes and turned back to Umbreon.

    Umbreon was still shocked at Espeon attacking him, but as soon as Espeon looked back to Umbreon, he let out a strong Dark Pulse, a dark wave of blackness crept across the grass as it made it’s way towards Espeon. She used Dig to escape, only just missing the repulsive beam. Knowing that her Psychic attack wouldn’t work directly on him, she used it to lift up the water from the lake, she brought it over his head, and let go, the water crashing down on Umbreon. Not wasting any time, Espeon ran towards him, readying an Iron Tail, putting all her anger and hatred into it.

    Umbreon had taken major damage from the water, and there was no time to heal himself for Espeon’s next attack, so he stood his ground, and just as she was about to strike, he used Payback and she crumpled to the ground, thinking she was down, Umbreon leered over her body, taunting her.

    Taking Umbreon by surprize, Espeon used Flash, momentarily blinding him, she scampered away while he was distracted. Both Pokemon eyed each other up, glaring at one another, their eyes filled with open hatred and distrust, just as Espeon’s tail twitched, and just as Umbreon’s ear flicked, they both let out a full powered Hyper beam. A blinding light filled the cave as the bolts of energy collided in the middle, causing an explosion. Both Pokemon flew backwards from the power, hitting the wall’s of Home.

    An avalanche of rocks tumbled down onto Umbreon’s body, blocking him from Espeon’s view. Her vision was hazy, and her body ached with excruciating pain. Her mind flickered for a moment, before descending into an uneasy blackness.
    Remember, don't worry about the choices that you make now. Because you will 100% regret anything your younger self did/said whatever it was when you grow up some. So go on, aim for your dreams and enjoy the present~

  22. #22
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    Intruiging ! Like Umbreon's angrier side with the strong language. Both Umbreon and Espeon seem evenly matched, so Chapter 7 should be a thrilling turnout . Don't make us wait too long!
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  23. #23
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    I like this chapter. Can't wait too see what happens in chapter 7.


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  24. #24
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    Chapter 7: Bumps in the Night

    The night air was cold, it had a mysterious and chilling feeling about it, noises seemed to echo and distort in the darkness. Disturbing screams and spine-tingling cries came from Pokemon as they dashed blindly through the forest. The slow moving, blood red river could be seen, crawling along through the twisted trees. Pokemon Forest had been transformed into Hell on Earth; the Pokemon dashing through it didn’t seem to recognise the paths they had taken for so many years. They were strangers in the world they had grown up in, and each was fighting for a way out.

    Vulpix was huddled against Riolu, her heart thudding and her body twitching. She had never felt so afraid before in her life, and she had never felt so alone and confused. Riolu leaned above her, keeping her safe from the forest and crazed Pokemon, but unable to keep her safe from the nightmares of her mind. His only movement was the steady rise and fall of his chest as he breathed in the frozen, night air; his breath coming away in misty huffs and rising towards the sky.

    “Riolu,” Vulpix whispered with fright, “what are those noises?”

    “Other Pokemon, I think.” He whispered back, terror clear in his voice.

    “Will we be okay?” Vulpix dared to ask, not really expecting an answer.

    “I’ll keep you safe.” Riolu promised. Although, he didn’t really know how to keep himself safe, let alone another Pokemon. But he swore to do his best; his dad would expect him to put others in front of himself, so that is what he would do.

    The two Pokemon were crouched in the twisted roots of an old tree, unseen by anyone who would run by. Hardly any light made it’s way under the canopy of leaves, leaving the forest next to pitch black. The air was shockingly cold for autumn, cold enough to make you shiver. Smells and scents worked themselves around the forest; damp leaves, other Pokemon, but the dominant smell was the reek of blood; driving all Pokemon into a blind panic.

    Vulpix and Riolu had been sitting in their hiding space for hours, unmoving and mainly silent, apart from the occasional question or stifled gasp. They were completely lost after running deep into the forest, not caring where they were going. They were both regretting the decision, other Pokemon had rushed to the river when they heard Vulpix scream, but they too ran in fright as their animal instinct told them to flee. Nearly everyone had turned into animals, snarling and biting others as they got in each other’s way. It was dangerous for the children; they could be trampled to death, or get separated and become lost, unable to find the way home. So they had sat tight, not even creating light for themselves.

    THUD! A soft noise could be heard, Riolu lifted his head to hear better. THUD, THUD, THUD. It got louder and louder. The sound of damp leaves being trodden on, something big was coming. Vulpix and Riolu snuggled down further into the ground, both of them throwing worried looks. Fear began to grasp Riolu’s heart, he fought to contain the unbelievably strong urge to flee.

    Gallade sharply raised an arm and a sphere of light slowly emerged from his hand and drifted upwards, lighting up the forest like a beacon. Gallade was bathed in the glow, looking god-like. Nearby Pokemon were blinded by the sudden brightness and hissed in frustration and anger, some threw themselves at Gallade, but he used his other arm to smoothly smash them to the side; their bodies broken and hurt. He strode forward, the ball of eerie light following him; he stopped about one metre in front of Riolu’s hiding place. Riolu could hear the large, strong Pokemon breathing and also a strange whispering sound, like the sound of a slight wind, but there was definitely words in the noise.

    “Yes.” Gallade said into nothingness, as if talking back to the whispers. “They are, are they?” His voice was incredibly low and powerful, it held such authority that Riolu felt himself wanting to lie on his back, in a submissive position. “Come on out, you two. Stop hiding in the dark.”

    Vulpix and Riolu jumped, their heats began to race, had he been talking to them? Vulpix began to tremble, neither Pokemon made a move to approach Gallade.

    “Come out now, before I fetch you myself!” Gallade ordered in a stern voice, “OUT! I won’t hurt you, trust me!”

    Vulpix turned to Riolu and he gave her a quick nod, Riolu could see no clear way out of the situation, so both Pokemon slunk out of the shadows and into the Sphere’s range of light. They blinked, blinded by the sudden brightness. Wanting to be seen as polite and submissive, Riolu addressed the stranger before him. “Sir, who might you be? We haven’t done anything wrong!”

    “I need you both to follow me.” Gallade stated, completely ignoring Riolu. “Come quick, before we are attacked again.” He began to walk off; taking his light with him, Riolu immediately began to trot after him, not wanting to be left in the darkness. About a metre later, he stopped; he couldn’t hear Vulpix walking behind him. He turned round and sure enough Vulpix was standing stock still with a blank expression on her face.

    “Vulpix?” Riolu asked, his head tilted to the side in confusion. “Aren’t you coming?” Gallade swung around as he realised the two Pokemon were not following him.

    “We must hurry!” Gallade shouted with in impatience.

    “I’m not walking off with a stranger!” Vulpix said with as much dignity as she could muster. “Who are you?”

    Gallade frowned, he was not used to children questioning his actions, he wasn’t used to anybody questioning his actions, and this stubborn, little girl was getting on his nerves. He puffed out his chest and glared at her. “My name is Gallade; I’m in Umbreon’s clan. I’m here to save you, but I only really need Riolu. So if you wish to stay here, I won’t stop you, but I’m the easiest way out of this forest.”

    Riolu’s ears became alert when he heard the mention of Umbreon’s clan; could this Pokemon have answer to this strange event taking place? “Sir?” Riolu asked politely, “Do you know anything about the blood river?”

    Gallade tore his gaze away from Vulpix and looked at the eager Riolu. “No, I don’t know how the river became filled with blood. But I do know something else.”

    Both Riolu and Vulpix lifted their heads with interest; this Pokemon had information worth knowing. “Will you tell us?” Vulpix said, her previous preconceptions about the stranger Pokemon vanishing.

    Gallade addressed Riolu, “Just after the Pokemon heard Vulpix scream, part of the Mountain collapsed, that part was Umbreon’s home. We have sent Pokemon inside to check on him, but we have found no one. Being second in command, I went out to find you and bring you to the mountain. Just to make sure you were safe and no one had planned an attack on killing Umbreon and you.” Gallade said in a solemn tone. “Now come, I will take you to your families and you can rest for tonight, in the morning I will announce our next stage of the plan.”

    Gallade, once more, began to walk off, but this time, both young Pokemon followed him. Sticking close together, not wanting to get lost or be too far away from the only source of light. The rest of the journey passed in silence, the only noise the occasional howl or snarl from nearby Pokemon. Eventually, the trees began to thin as they reached the edge of the forest, it was very late into the night and Vulpix and Riolu could barely walk from tiredness.

    Strangely they saw a silhouette of a lone Pokemon just at the exit of the forest, it began to rush towards them picking up speed, Gallade turned sharply towards them and muttered. “Stay safe, I must be off! Beware any Pokemon that may approach you!” With that he cast a look over his shoulder and bounded off, it was a huge jump, one leap and he was far away into the forest, the Sphere of light following him, leaving the Pokemon in darkness. The lone Pokemon was nearly upon the children, Riolu and Vulpix were both terrified and prepared their attacks, they could hear it panting now, getting closer and closer.

    Just as the Pokemon was five metres away and just as Riolu was going to let out an Aura Sphere and Vulpix an Ember, the Pokemon shouted. “MY BABY!” Riolu and Vulpix both stopped in surprise as Ninetales rushed up to them and began licking Vulpix all over, smothering her in hugs and kisses, to make sure she was okay. Once she had nuzzled Vulpix all over, she moved onto Riolu, mothering him as if he was her own son. The two Pokemon cuddled into her side with relief as she wrapped her warm, fluffy tail around them. “I thought you were dead!” Ninetales began to sob, “I was so worried!”

    “It’s okay, mum! I’m okay!” Vulpix called, even though tears were streaming down her face.

    “Never leave me again!” Ninetales demanded with hysteria, “I don’t want to have the feeling of losing you ever again!” As mother, daughter and friend hugged, Ninetales began to calm down and let out a breath of flames that danced in the air, casting a warming glow so the Pokemon could see each other.

    A strong knot of worry began to grow inside Riolu’s stomach as he thought about his father. “Ninetales,” Riolu said in a small voice, “do you know what’s happened to my father?” Instead of the pain Riolu was expecting, he felt relief wash over him as Ninetales told him that his farther had volunteered to go into the forest to look for injured Pokemon, and to try and sort out the mess.

    “He should be back by morning.” Ninetales said gently, “I offered to have you stay at my house while he was out, but then I couldn’t find you and I’ve been looking out here for hours! Anyway, let’s go home.”

    Riolu and Vulpix clambered onto Ninetales’ back as she began to walk home, she broke into a run once she had cleared the trees and soon they were flying along, nearing the houses. Vulpix snuggled into Riolu; he put an arm around her, not saying a word. After a few minutes, Ninetales stopped in front of a large hole in the ground, heat was coming from it, rising up and it seemed very inviting. “Here we are!” Ninetales said cheerfully, she seemed to have already forgotten about the ordeal.

    The Pokemon made their way inside the burrow; it was pretty big, with four separate chambers leading off from the centre one, connected by tunnels. It was very warm, and the straw underfoot made it comfy as well as smell nice. Ninetales breathed some more flames, but this time they were a low red, not giving off much light, but enough to see by.

    Riolu yawned, he was desperately tired, he was almost falling asleep standing up. “Someone’s tired.” Ninetales teased, “Better get you off to bed before you collapse and ruin my floor!” She gave him a wink as she led him off to a small chamber; it was around the size of a Torterra. The straw was extra thick and lush, without a second look, Riolu curled up at the back of the chamber and closed his heavy eyes. He heard Ninetales chuckle as she left the room, and he heard Vulpix breathing softly in the chamber next to his. Almost immediately, he fell into a deep dreamless sleep.

    ……………………………………………

    Down in Ninetales’ home, all was dark, everyone was sound asleep. Only a few beams of moonlight lit the dark entrance chamber, suddenly, all went dark as something stood in the doorway and blocked the light. That something grinned; it’s sharp, deadly teeth reflecting the moon’s light. Startling red eyes appeared in the doorway as the thing began to crawl into the chamber, it’s long, black claws scrabbling for grip, it was being deadly quiet, careful not to wake up the sleeping Pokemon. It managed to squeeze it’s way into the chamber, “Coming for you, Riolu! Ready or not!” A sneering female voice escaped it’s lips, mocking and deadly. The game was on.
    Remember, don't worry about the choices that you make now. Because you will 100% regret anything your younger self did/said whatever it was when you grow up some. So go on, aim for your dreams and enjoy the present~

  25. #25
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    Great chapter! Ninetails was very amusing(as always), and the end was a great cliffhanger! All in all adds up to a good chapter! Keep it up!

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