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Thread: Dialga and the Reverse World Master

  1. #1

    Default Dialga and the Reverse World Master

    *read and comment so far*

    Intro:

    In Losthorn Bayou, the scent of pine needles filtrate the air and the sunlight shines brightly.The trees sway back and forth from the autumn breeze and leaves fly around everywhere. Deep inside the forest, right by the willow tree there sat Pokémon. One was a brown alien-like Pokemon with green eyes and three colored fingers on both hands. The other was a Pokemon which looks as if it was a teddy bear in green jello. Both sitting there peacefully, fishing in the bayou. They always come around the autumn season because the fish often bite at this hour. Reuniclus, the multiplying Pokémon, always hopes to catch a shark while her friend Beheeyem, the cerebral Pokémon, hopes to catch an alien like fish. So far, none has reached their goal, however they always come to the bayou in hopes that one day, they will catch what they seek.

    They sat there, for many hours, hoping for a bite on their fishing lines. So far, nothing. However, to pass the time, they always like to look around at the scenery. It changes every season. Right now, in the autumn season, the trees barely have leaves as they are all scattered around on the pale green grass. There were hardly any Pidgeys around since at this time, they would all migrate up north for the season. So fishing in the autumn or winter times were a good time to do so, because there was hardly any competition from the birds or the human since they would come around the afternoon times. In the winter however, they’d compete with Beartics for fishing holes since the water would be all ice and only a few openings of water.

    While fishing, they hear a rustling sound in the bushes followed by what seems to be the sound of someone humming a song. The two Pokémon looked around and at each other, wondering what would be making such a sound. It was a sound that only a large being can make. Being curious, they went to the middle of their side of the bayou and waited. It appears that whoever could be coming this way is getting closer as the bushes began to rustle faster. In a few seconds, it appeared.

    Out pops a huge dragon-like Pokemon. The girls looked up at it in shock, their jaws dropping. They have never seeing anything like it. This Pokémon had a very masculine vibe to it, so Reuniclus and Beheeyem could tell that it was male. He was a blue dragon with many metal parts and has a chest plate with a blue shiny diamond in the middle. He also had wing-like plates on his back and a crest on his head. But as tall and bulky as he was, he looked at the girls as if he was intimidated by them. The girls looked up at this Pokemon and wondered if they should say something in order to make this Pokemon feel more comfortable.

    “Hi!” Reuniclus yelled out.

    “Huh?!” the Pokemon took one step back from where he was standing.

    “Come on!” Reuniclus motioned for Beheeyem to follow and she began to bounce on the stepping stones that lead to the other side of the bayou. Unfortunately for Beheeyem, she wasn’t a blob of jelly; so she had to hop on the stones, which were somewhat a distance apart. Trying to make sure that she didn’t fall in the water, she held on to each stone as she hopped on them. Eventually, she got there, joining her friend on the other side.

    The Pokemon grew less nervous as he kept looking and smiling at Reuniclus bouncing up and down on the stepping stones and on to the ground. His eyes followed her, going up and down. Eventually, she stopped bouncing up and down so that she can introduce herself.

    “Hey! What’syourname? What’syourfavoritecolor? What’syourfavoriteanimal? What’syourfavoritefood? Doyoulikefishing? Doyoubelieveinaliens?” Reuniclus asked in one breath.

    “Oh! Okay… umm… well. My name is Dialga; my favorite color is blue; I like kitties, meow; Waffles; what’s fishing?, what are aliens?” the Pokemon replied.

    “Your favorite color is waffles?!” Reuniclus asked.

    “Fishing is… umm… when you sit there with a hook and bait and you catch fish then either eat them or just throw them back. Aliens are, those things living in outer space that I think exist,” Beheeyem explained.

    “Oh… and who are you guys?” Dialga asked.

    “I’m Beheeyem and this is my friend, Reuniclus.” She said as she pointed to her friend, looking dumbfounded. “Oh and he said his favorite color was blue, not waffles!”

    “How do you do the whole fishing thingy? Do the fish bite?” he asked.

    “How ‘bout we show you how to do it?!” Reuniclus exclaimed. Dialga nodded and they all started to go back to the other side of the bayou where the girls originally were fishing. However as they started to go back, they saw something weird in the water. The water was producing a large, swirling whirlpool. It was unlikely that a whirlpool would show up around these parts, so the kids just stood by and watched.

    The whirlpool then turned into a black hole with a large twister surrounding it. As a result, it blew everything in the forest around like debris. The kids try to stay still on their side of the lake by holding on to the trees as they tried not to be blown by the wind. The wind did slow down to a halt, however it wasn't over. A figure arose from the black hole in the water. This figure was weird because when it first started to rise, it looked like a giant worm, but now it was starting to change forme. It was starting to grow bigger wings and also grow legs and a longer tail. The kids can tell that this Pokemon was going to be huge, so they stood by anticipating their arrival.

    When the Pokemon hit the ground, the ground shook, indicating that this was a big Pokemon. When the light cleared on them, the kids can finally see what this one looked like. It was huge and had red and black stripes on its neck; six legs with gold claws on them and three gold rings on its neck. The kids felt intimidated by this Pokemon, especially Dialga as he was shaking in his claws. The Pokemon looked directly at Dialga; with glowing red menacing eyes. He and the girls can tell that this one was angry. Very angry.

    They backed away slowly as the Pokemon began to form the red spikes on its wings in a different fashion. They were forming in a triangle like fashion. The kids wondered if they should leave or should they go. They want to leave, but something about this Pokemon is preventing them to leave and it’s the eyes. The angry, menacing eyes staring at them as if it wanted to attack them. Then something unexpected happened. The Pokemon came at them, grabbing Dialga, Beheeyem and Reuniclus in its wings and pulling them into the back hole.


    Author's notes:

    -Where Reuniclus asked Dialga a series a questions, the reason why the words are close together is because she's talking fast.

    -I don't know how tall Dialga is so I assume maybe he's Charizard's size.

    -This story is connected to my last story in one important way, But that would be later in the story.
    Last edited by はるひ; 11th July 2011 at 9:20 PM.
    岩根雅明=♡

  2. #2
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    Cool I like the personality of Dialga and the mystery pokemon is Giratina, right!?
    Hahah I love this story! Can't wait for the next one, I really like it! XD

    Join PI Forums please! :0
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  3. #3

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    Quote Originally Posted by deoxysxx View Post
    Cool I like the personality of Dialga and the mystery pokemon is Giratina, right!?
    Hahah I love this story! Can't wait for the next one, I really like it! XD
    *Giratina's mom* COUGH

    Dialga was fun because I can make him not so perfect like Arceus and the Jewel of Life made him.
    岩根雅明=♡

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    Awesome i'll try to keep up with your stories so I can understand everything!!

    Join PI Forums please! :0
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  5. #5

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    Quote Originally Posted by deoxysxx View Post
    Awesome i'll try to keep up with your stories so I can understand everything!!
    Thankss yew... <3~
    岩根雅明=♡

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    No need to thank me...I should be thanking you..so thank you! XD
    So do you plan on creating other characters that will be revealed later or are these the only ones? For now.

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  7. #7
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    This story starts in the Losthorn Bayou.
    Show, don’t tell.

    One; a cerebral Pokemon and the other a multiplying Pokémon.
    You could flesh this out a lot more, instead of just stating the species name. We don’t even find out what they are until the fourth paragraph; that’s fine if you’re trying to create mystery, but I didn’t really get the feeling that you were. Some description would go a long way. You don’t need to use a massive amount since it’s safe to assume people on a Pokemon forum have an idea of what they look like, but a lot of us don’t have the species names memorized, which makes it kind of confusing at first.

    Your tense is off at parts, too. You go from present tense (example: “This Pokemon was blue.”) to past tense (example: “Reuniclus yelled out.”), which throws the reader off. It’s a little thing but it’s important, so I’d make sure to choose which tense you want to use and stay consistent with it. The most common is past tense since it tends to be easier to pull off, but by all means use present tense if you want. Just don’t jump around between them.

    hopes to catch an alien-like fish to prove to Gothitelle that aliens really do exist.
    Some little corrections in bold. “Alien” begins with a vowel, so you need to preface it with “an”.

    At this point we have no idea who Gothitelle is, so suddenly bringing her up like she’s been in the story the whole time is a little jarring. It’s not a huge deal and it’s not technically “wrong”, but just adding something like “their friend Gothitelle” would go a long way, I think.

    They sat there, for many hours, hoping for a bite on their fishing lines.
    “For many hours” has a comma at the beginning and isn’t vital to the sentence, so you need to end it with a comma as well. An easy way to remember things like this is just to read it out loud. “For many hours hoping for a bite on their fishing lines” in one breath just doesn’t sound right since it isn’t a full sentence on its own.

    In a few seconds, it appeared.
    Few second doesn’t make sense, it needs to be more than one second - seconds. Make sure to re-read these things a couple times to make sure you catch everything small like that.

    This Pokemon was blue, so Reuniclus and Beheeyem can tell that it was a male.
    First: in a single sentence you change the tense. If you want it to be present tense, “Pokemon is blue”. If you want it to be past tense, “could tell”. Second: what? Excuse me if I’m missing something, but from what I’ve read so far (and I’m writing this as I read it for the first time: you should never need to re-read a story for something basic to make sense) blue does not mean a Pokemon is blue. Gallade is male-only and it’s not blue, same with Sawk and Hitmonchan.

    Also had wing-like plates on his back.
    Not a complete sentence. Just adding “Also, he had” would fix it, but even then it would have a lot to be desired. Your description here is kind of off, too. You seem to rely on “like X, but X instead” instead of actually describing. “Some type of shiny diamond” makes it seem like you’re not even sure what you’re describing, just because of the word choice. Be more assertive with your writing. Saying “almost like a dinosaur, but a tad bit smaller” doesn’t make sense either. Not all dinosaurs were big (just as an example, the sinosauropteryx was only twenty-seven inches in length), and there sure as hell wasn’t a set size for them. Going with the “be assertive in your writing” thing, saying something is metal-ish doesn’t exactly paint a vivid picture, and it’s not close to sounding professional. The last thing about this paragraph is that, to me, you contradict yourself a little. You say that they want to make the Pokemon feel more comfortable, which is fine, but then you say the intensity is growing in the next sentence. To me, it seems like intensity would fizzle out once one side starts feeling bad for the other.

    I like kitties, meow~
    Not the proper use of ~, and it’s really awkward in general.

    It seems like you’re going for comedy here, which is odd considering these three have literally just met and Dialga was timid moments ago. Unless these guys are supposed to be infants, which with you is totally possible, the friendship doesn’t come across as realistic or genuine.

    It was like the water was producing a whirlpool.
    The “...” isn’t needed. Again: show, don’t tell, and again, saying it was “like” the water was producing a whirlpool makes it seem like you’re not completely confident about what you’re writing. It seems like you were trying to make this a dramatic scene by including the “...”, but it didn’t make me feel anything at all. Same with the next sentence: a whirlpool turning into a black hole and a twister should be dramatic, you just nonchalantly state it like it happens every other day. The kids trying to stay alive as all of this happens should be elaborated on as well: they’re fighting for their lives right now, but you breeze through it in a short sentence, eliminating any potential for drama. Take your time with these scenes and the description and you could make some dramatic scenes. Instead, it seems like you say “I’m going to knock this thing out in ten minutes” and only write the bare essentials.

    but then something else happened.
    Bad transition, and again: not remotely dramatic. A figure rising from the water should be a big deal, but you state it so matter-of-factly that the reader feels absolutely no emotion.

    I gave you this information already when you asked me in the VM, but I’ll say it again. Dialga is 17’9”, Giratina (which I assume is the Pokemon you’re describing?) is 14’09”, so Dialga is still bigger than it. Normally I wouldn’t worry about this at all since the Pokedex sizes directly conflict with things like the anime, but since you asked and made me look it up for you I assumed you were going to implement the actual sizes.

    Then something unexpected happened. [Something expected]
    Was that really unexpected? It came from the black hole, you said it looked like it was going to attack them, most people would be able to infer it would do something like that.

    Just one final thing: I really suggest you branch out when it comes to the Pokemon you use and the personalities they have. I haven’t read all your stuff, and you did use some new Pokemon such as Beheeyem and Reuniclus, but it seems like everything you write has Gothitelle and Giratina just because you like them. Same with personalities: you have this fixation on making every Pokemon act like an infant, which honestly gets old pretty fast after reading a few of the fics you wrote.

    Sorry I couldn’t really elaborate on some of the stuff I wrote or review more in-depth, I’m multi-tasking like crazy right now. You asked for a review though, hope this was good enough. Good luck with this.
    Last edited by Antithesis; 10th July 2011 at 8:57 PM.
    Here’s to the crazy ones. The rebels. The troublemakers. The ones who see things differently. While some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do.

  8. #8

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    Quote Originally Posted by Antithesis View Post
    Show, don’t tell.
    How do I show? :?


    Second: what? Excuse me if I’m missing something, but from what I’ve read so far (and I’m writing this as I read it for the first time: you should never need to re-read a story for something basic to make sense) blue does not mean a Pokemon is blue. Gallade is male-only and it’s not blue, same with Sawk and Hitmonchan.
    I was saying it in a kids' POV. Normally, a little girl would associate blue with boys and pink with girls. Little boys do the same thing as well.

    Not a complete sentence. Just adding “Also, he had” would fix it, but even then it would have a lot to be desired. Your description here is kind of off, too. You seem to rely on “like X, but X instead” instead of actually describing. “Some type of shiny diamond” makes it seem like you’re not even sure what you’re describing, just because of the word choice. Be more assertive with your writing. Saying “almost like a dinosaur, but a tad bit smaller” doesn’t make sense either. Not all dinosaurs were big (just as an example, the sinosauropteryx was only twenty-seven inches in length), and there sure as hell wasn’t a set size for them. Going with the “be assertive in your writing” thing, saying something is metal-ish doesn’t exactly paint a vivid picture, and it’s not close to sounding professional. The last thing about this paragraph is that, to me, you contradict yourself a little. You say that they want to make the Pokemon feel more comfortable, which is fine, but then you say the intensity is growing in the next sentence. To me, it seems like intensity would fizzle out once one side starts feeling bad for the other.
    I did that because I wasnt sure if I was describing Dialga properly. I'm describing him based on sight see in the movies he was in, so it's harder on that sense.

    Intensity growing; as in no one knows what to do.


    Not the proper use of ~, and it’s really awkward in general.

    It seems like you’re going for comedy here, which is odd considering these three have literally just met and Dialga was timid moments ago. Unless these guys are supposed to be infants, which with you is totally possible, the friendship doesn’t come across as realistic or genuine.
    I used the ~ when a character is squealing, imitating something, or awwing. In this case, Dialga was imitating a cat, so that's when the ~ comes in.

    I was trying to be cute with that sign. Also I wasn't trying to make them be infants; just childish.


    I gave you this information already when you asked me in the VM, but I’ll say it again. Dialga is 17’9”, Giratina (which I assume is the Pokemon you’re describing?) is 14’09”, so Dialga is still bigger than it. Normally I wouldn’t worry about this at all since the Pokedex sizes directly conflict with things like the anime, but since you asked and made me look it up for you I assumed you were going to implement the actual sizes.
    The Giratina being used is the one that was important to a certain main character in The Lost World of Giratina. The Altered Giratina; so yeah I am using that one and I'm keeping her size. With Dialga, I would like to make him smaller than Giratina. I asked to get knowledge on it yes and I want to see how this would work.

    Seeing that Giratina is supposed to be dominant, it doesn't make sense for someone like Dialga to be bigger, so I shrunk him a bit.



    Just one final thing: I really suggest you branch out when it comes to the Pokemon you use and the personalities they have. I haven’t read all your stuff, and you did use some new Pokemon such as Beheeyem and Reuniclus, but it seems like everything you write has Gothitelle and Giratina just because you like them. Same with personalities: you have this fixation on making every Pokemon act like an infant, which honestly gets old pretty fast after reading a few of the fics you wrote.

    Gothitelle would be in every story because she's the Professor Oak/Captain Kirk/Captain America etc of the group. She's the one who the Pokemon go to if they are going on an adventure since she has many inventions that can help them out. Also she's really smart.

    The rest of the cast like Giratina (the kid) and others mentioned in my other stories would be in alot of these stories, but sometimes as background characters depending on who the story was about. Like in Giratina's First Friend, Giratina (origin, kid) and Hydreigon were the main characters while Haxorus was a secondary character and the others were supporting characters.

    this story, Dialga and Giratina's mom would be main characters while Beheeyem and Reuniclus were supporting characters.

    I don't make every character kiddish. If I worked with uptight stoic characters, that's be boring. I like fun characters and personalities. Like Gothitelle isn't childish at all. She's mature and professional but she has a fun side to her. There are other personalities as well.

    How do I make it so that they arent boring?
    岩根雅明=♡

  9. #9
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    How do I show?
    Let me put it this way: you don’t read many novels that begin with “This story starts in Kentucky”. It’s not interesting, it doesn’t draw you in, and it’s lazy. It’s not my job to tell you how to start the story, I’m just saying that’s not an effective way to. Read some other fics, or some books, and pay attention to how they open. In my opinion, the first few lines are the most important part of any writing, because it’s basically you trying to sell your story to the reader.

    I did that because I wasn’t sure if I ws describing Dialga properly. I’m describing him based on sight see in the movies he was in, so it’s harder on that sense.
    Do your research. It takes a few seconds to type ‘Dialga’ into Google and have Bulbapedia be the first result. It gives extensive description you can use to your advantage.

    I used the ~ when a character is squealing, imitating something, or awwing.
    Which is a habit you should break, since it’s not right. Don’t worry about trying to be “cute”, worry about adhering to the rules of the English language. It’s fine to make mistakes, since everyone does, it’s not fine to say “It’s not right, but I think it looks cute so I’m going to do it anyway.”

    As for the rest of your post: you should never need to clear things up to the reader outside the story, and you should never make it a necessity to read your other(fairly unrelated) fics to fully understand this one. If this was a sequel that would be fine, but it seems like every other day you post these short fics and, in your head, they intertwine, but to the reader it’s a headache trying to figure out if X is supposed to be the same person as they were in some other fic you’ve written.
    Here’s to the crazy ones. The rebels. The troublemakers. The ones who see things differently. While some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do.

  10. #10
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    If I may, allow me to combine a response to that last post with a review. Antithesis can definitely add in his two cents because you're speaking to him; I just thought it'd be a good idea to throw in mine as well to serve as back-up.

    Quote Originally Posted by -Silver- View Post
    How do I show? :?
    The simplest way to do this is to ask yourself whether or not your readers can easily picture what something looks like. For example, your readers have no idea what Losthorn Bayou is. We can't picture right off the bat whether it's a dark and spooky place or the kind of bayou one would see at the beginning of The Muppet Movie (sunny, warm, full of banjo-playing frogs). Instead of just telling us that the story begins in Losthorn Bayou, open up with a description of what the place looks like.

    In order to do that, you'll need to keep in mind that the readers are not you. They don't know what kinds of images are in your head, so you, as the storyteller, will need to do your best to describe your mental pictures as much as possible. Without your help, we don't know what we should be mentally conjuring ourselves. Not only that, but we're not getting a good emotional read on the situation. As in, the description you have in the beginning helps us get into your world and get an idea of what kind of tone the story has. No description; barely any tone. (It's possible to have sparse description, but this conveys a drier, more straightforward tone. If you want an example, Ernest Hemingway is famous for this kind of narration.)

    Not to mention you should never start a story with "this story starts." It breaks the fourth wall (i.e., the separation between the story and the reader) and makes it harder to take the rest of the fic seriously.

    Same thing could be said for the rest of the paragraph, really. Keep in mind that the Pokédex species doesn't necessarily describe the way a Pokémon looks. "Cerebral" just means "brainy" or "of the brain." It doesn't give us a good idea of what the Pokémon looks like, and if someone hasn't memorized what species goes with what Pokémon, just mentioning that one is cerebral could describe a lot of different 'mons. (Example? Alakazam.) It's best to go beyond that and describe what something looks like in your own words.

    Side note...

    Deep inside the forest, right by the willow tree there were two Pokémon. ... Reuniclus, the multiplying Pokémon, always hopes to catch a shark while her friend Beheeyem, the cerebral Pokémon, hopes to catch a alien like fish to prove to Gothitelle that aliens really do exist.
    At the risk of being hypocritical (haha, me), keep a very close eye on your tenses. The first sentence here is in past tense (were two Pokémon), but the rest of it is in past tense (always hopes; hopes to catch).

    One; a cerebral Pokemon and the other a multiplying Pokémon.
    I'd say this is best off as part of the sentence before it because it's a fragment otherwise. Alternatively, you can replace the semicolon (which shouldn't be in this sentence either way because it doesn't serve a function here) with the word "is," place a comma after the word "Pokémon," and finish reformatting this sentence by putting another "is" between "other" and "a multiplying." That way, you can create a compound sentence. Either way, it's rather awkward standing on its own, so... yeah.

    Right now, in the autumn season, the trees barely have leaves as they are all scattered around on the pale green grass.
    Just to make sure that we're all on the same page, but you know that a bayou is a swamp, right? Not being sarcastic here. Only trying to get things straight, really.

    There were hardly any Pidgys around since at this time, they would all migrate up north for the season.
    Pidgey. Or Pidgeys if you're of the school that believes all Pokémon get an S at the end of their plural form. Either way, I know someone told you the Pokémon was a Pidgy, but there's an E there.

    So fishing in the autumn or winter times were a good time to do so, because there was hardly any competition from the birds;
    First off, drop the semicolon and add a comma. Because you're using the word "and" right after it, the semicolon ends up being repetitive because it functions as a stand-in for a comma and the word "and" anyway. In other words, using a comma is a lot like saying, "there was hardly any competition from the birds, and and the humans."

    It was a Pokémon!
    It's really not necessary to use an exclamation point in narration. As the narrator, you're not meant to be surprised by what goes on in the story; instead, you're supposed to convey the Pokémon's surprise. However, doing it with exclamation points in the narration is a case of telling instead of showing. We can't imagine your characters being surprised. So, you'll need to describe to us the gasps of shock, the change of expressions, the jumps, whatever else Beheeyem and Reuniclus are doing to show that they're surprised.

    I was saying it in a kids' POV. Normally, a little girl would associate blue with boys and pink with girls. Little boys do the same thing as well.
    One of the many habits you'll want to break is the notion that your characters would have human standards. As in, just because humans think pink = girl and blue = boy doesn't mean that things that aren't human would. In fact, to expand on Antithesis's example, you have Pokémon like Wooper, Poliwag, and Nidoran who are all blue but aren't necessarily male. (In Nidoran's case, the blue one definitely isn't.) Meanwhile, you also have Pokémon like Mr. Mime and Lickitung who are pink but aren't necessarily female. Pokémon are like animals when it comes to identifying species. They have other means of figuring things out, like female Pikachu with heart-shaped tails. Stereotypes don't always apply to them, especially human ones.

    I did that because I wasnt sure if I was describing Dialga properly. I'm describing him based on sight see in the movies he was in, so it's harder on that sense.
    In addition to what Antithesis said, take a good look at pictures of Dialga and tell us what you see (within the fic of course) with certainty. There's a lot of dinosaurs, for example, so which one? Instead of saying "some type of shiny diamond," why not just say "a shiny diamond"? (Your readers can determine whether or not it's literally a diamond themselves.) Don't be uncertain about description. Take a good look at a picture for reference and tell us exactly what you see.

    As the intensity between the Pokemon got tenser, one breaks the mold.
    "Breaks the mold" is a cliché that means that something is unique or surpasses expectations. This is because everything else that can be compared to that something is all the same as each other, as if they were made by a mold. Something that stands out would break the mold because there's nothing else that's like it. So, it can't really be used to describe something that's breaking a silence because silence can't be compared to a mold.

    “Hey! What’syourname? What’syourfavoritecolor? What’syourfavoriteanimal? What’syourfavoritefood? Doyoulikefishing? Doyoubelieveinaliens?” Reuniclus asked simultaneously.
    As a side note (about what you said at the end of the story), you really don't have to tell us that she's speaking quickly. A lot of books and fics use this technique to show a character speaking to the point where all the words they're saying are getting blended together.

    Also, "simultaneously" means "at the same time" (referring to two things happening at once), so unless Reuniclus basically layered every single word into a single sound, you'll probably want to go for something else. I would suggest "rapidly," "quickly," "in a single breath," or a variety of other words or phrases that conveys speed, rather than when it happened.

    I used the ~ when a character is squealing, imitating something, or awwing. In this case, Dialga was imitating a cat, so that's when the ~ comes in.
    I'd hate to put it bluntly, but the things you do in VMs or in chats aren't necessarily things that are good to do in writing. Any kind of chatspeak (including misusing tildes to indicate cuteness) is a huge no because it's very difficult to take the story seriously when that happens.

    Also I wasn't trying to make them be infants; just childish.
    Antithesis's point still stands, and I actually have to second it. It just feels a little on the odd side to have this creature who seems terrified of these strangers at first suddenly just pour out all the intimates about itself. Of course, what those intimates are don't entirely help either, given that this is a giant creature who apparently likes kittens and waffles, but I'll buy it if this is meant to be funny.

    “Fishing is… umm… when you sit there with a hook and bait and you catch fish then either eat them or just throw them back. Aliens are, those things living in outer space that I think exist.” Beheeyem explained.
    I'm pretty sure I offered up this link at some point, but if I'm mistaking the reviews I gave to you for those I gave to someone else, lemme offer it up again: http://fictionwriting.about.com/od/w...unctuation.htm

    That is a guide that should help you (with examples) to figure out how to punctuate dialogue because doing that tends to be tricky. The short of it is that the part that says "Beheeyem explained" is not its own sentence because it's describing how the quote was being said. So, you need to attach it to the quote, and the way to do that is by dropping the period and putting in a comma instead to show a reader that the sentence doesn't end at "exist."

    You do this a couple of other times, so it's best just to look at the guide and try to remember the rules from there.

    Pretty much agreeing with Antithesis on the subject of whirlpools in bayous and how one should show and not tell. To elaborate, there either was a whirlpool there, or there wasn't. You can't really say "it was like a whirlpool was there" because they're looking at it.

    Not to mention you really don't have to tell us it was abnormal for a bayou to have a whirlpool. Including that sentence causes the paragraph to gain a comedic feel that you probably didn't intend because it's pretty much stating the obvious in a very nonchalant manner (in much the same way The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy usually does). Instead, rely on your descriptions of their reactions to show us that something is definitely wrong.

    With Dialga, I would like to make him smaller than Giratina.
    You cannot just ignore canon fact and expect it to work. When canon does it itself, that tends to strike viewers/readers/players as Fridge Logic. When a fic does it, that turns into anything from a plot hole to an error in canon. Deviating from canon for no apparent reason besides stereotypes (see below) is a bad thing because it causes the audience to wonder what the boundaries are. If you do this, then would you make a favorite canon character massively out-of-character? Would you state that attacks don't work the way we know they should work? Would you suspend major bits of canon so that the plot works out for the characters?

    When working in fanfiction, the challenge isn't to create an interesting story. It's to create an interesting story within the world of a canon universe. While this doesn't mean you have to use the same world and same characters that canon gives you, it means you'll need to keep in mind canon fact because that's what readers are familiar with. If you stray beyond them for no apparent reason, there's no way to tell whether or not it would sit well with readers. In fact, doing it for no reason and never really addressing that things are different in your universe could potentially make readers very uncomfortable.

    Seeing that Giratina is supposed to be dominant, it doesn't make sense for someone like Dialga to be bigger, so I shrunk him a bit.
    And here's the stereotype that I want to address.

    Size =/= dominance. Despite what James once said, size doesn't matter. A character can be short and scare the crap out of things far bigger than it. That's why people can break down into panic attacks at the sight of snakes or spiders, and that's why some horror flicks use small children as extremely creepy elements. Moreover, it's not unusual for someone in media to be short but still very dominant. (There's even a trope for this.) Hey, even in real life, Alexander the Great was actually not that tall.

    Point is, it's a stereotype to think that the larger you are, the more dominant you are. Technically, it's a stereotype to believe that giants are gentle, too, but the point is, you don't need to shrink Dialga just because you want Giratina to be dominant.

    Gothitelle would be in every story because she's the Professor Oak/Captain Kirk/Captain America etc of the group.
    As a note, Professor Oak isn't in every Pokémon story, and not every Marvel story is focused on Captain America. Still, I do agree with an earlier sentiment that Antithesis had in that Gothitelle was just sort of brought up with no real explanation as to why she was mentioned. Yes, she might be a significant character in your fan-world, but her name just sort of popped up out of nowhere, as if it was to say, "Yep. She's here too."

    Sort of going back and forth about what Antithesis said about branching out of this universe. On the one hand, it's a good idea because it allows you to bring something new to the table. The more you write in a single universe, the less interested a reader might be in your new fic, especially if the new fic has a lot of the same errors as the ones that came before them.

    On the other, if done well, an entire fanverse has a lot of potential. However, you'd have to work extra hard to make every last story within it stand on its own as well. As in, Antithesis is right on a level. If you write within a fanverse, it's a good idea to make sure that a reader can pick up any story within it and understand what's going on. (As in, characters aren't just brought up. They're introduced, and their presence within the fic makes sense. Moreover, the elements also make sense, and the plot itself is compelling enough to be its own story without forcing the reader to read the other stories to get the full effect.) That's because you'll want to capture the reader's attention the first time. If the reader has to go to other threads to get the full effect first, then that means they can't be completely engaged by that one story because there's something missing that's preventing them from doing so. Meanwhile, longtime readers who pick up this fic might not be engaged because it's lacking the elements of the other fic, if that makes sense.

    If I worked with uptight stoic characters, that's be boring.
    *clears throat and raises hand* I work with uptight, stoic characters, and my readers tend to think they're the most interesting. One of them doesn't even actually have emotions.

    You don't have to be bubbly and childlike to be interesting. You just need to know how to work with them. Like I said via VM, the first step to creating decent characters is to know how people tick. There's all kinds of personalities in the world, including the stoic kind. You probably know a few people like that yourself. How do they react to you when you talk to them? How do they act in certain situations? What do they say, and how do they express emotions? Watch people and what they do, and that can give you a good idea as to how your characters should act.

    That being said, I also agree with Antithesis there. As I've just mentioned, the world is full of all kinds of personalities, so to make most characters be only certain types causes your world to seem like it's full of the same person with different names. (This is what turns some people off the anime, actually.) You have to be careful with characters, and try to present ones that don't act the exact same way as some other character. Yes, you have Gothitelle being mature and responsible, but Hydreigon, Reuniclus, and kid!Giratina are basically the same characters because they react to things the same way. The only differences are names and bodies.

    I guess that's why this fic didn't really work for me. While the plot started taking a turn for the interesting at the end (because of course I want to know what happens when you lock a psychopath Giratina in an alternate dimension with three kids-at-heart), the lead-up didn't really catch me because I felt like I was rereading the interaction between Hydreigon and Giratina in your other fic. Basically, childlike fully-evolved Pokémon meets childlike legendary, and awkward introductions ensue. I'd hate to put it that bluntly, but that's pretty much it.

    On the positive side, I would like to tell you not to give up. Characterization (and keeping away from the tendency to suspend logic and canon) is a difficult thing to master. However, the longer your fic goes, the more effort you need to put into making your characters interesting, so you'll need to work extra hard at figuring out how to make your characters deep and developed. As I've said, one step in the right direction is to do a lot of people watching and think a lot about how people act in real life; then, you can get away from stereotypes and build a cast readers would be more interested in.

    Also, beta readers. It might be a good idea to get one if you need help.

    Good luck!
    Last edited by JX Valentine; 11th July 2011 at 4:34 AM.

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  11. #11

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    Quote Originally Posted by JX Valentine View Post
    Just to make sure that we're all on the same page, but you know that a bayou is a swamp, right? Not being sarcastic here. Only trying to get things straight, really.
    I know that it's a body of water. I thought that there could be land surrounding one.



    Pidgey. Or Pidgeys if you're of the school that believes all Pokémon get an S at the end of their plural form. Either way, I know someone told you the Pokémon was a Pidgy, but there's an E there.
    Yeah Pidgeys make more sense for some reason. Thanks (n n)


    "Breaks the mold" is a cliché that means that something is unique or surpasses expectations. This is because everything else that can be compared to that something is all the same as each other, as if they were made by a mold. Something that stands out would break the mold because there's nothing else that's like it. So, it can't really be used to describe something that's breaking a silence because silence can't be compared to a mold.
    Ah I didn't know that. Thanks (n n)

    As a side note (about what you said at the end of the story), you really don't have to tell us that she's speaking quickly. A lot of books and fics use this technique to show a character speaking to the point where all the words they're saying are getting blended together.
    There's some people who would get confused tho. So that's why I put it there.


    Antithesis's point still stands, and I actually have to second it. It just feels a little on the odd side to have this creature who seems terrified of these strangers at first suddenly just pour out all the intimates about itself. Of course, what those intimates are don't entirely help either, given that this is a giant creature who apparently likes kittens and waffles, but I'll buy it if this is meant to be funny.
    I did say that he was a little less nervous and actually smiled when he saw Reuniclus bouncing up and down. Plus she asked.. so naturally one would answer right?

    Also here was another reason I wanted shrink Dialga a bit; so that it's be okay for him to like that stuff. I mean I wasnt trying to be funny about him liking kittens and waffles. If he was the canocal size, then my readers would look at me weird.


    Point is, it's a stereotype to think that the larger you are, the more dominant you are. Technically, it's a stereotype to believe that giants are gentle, too, but the point is, you don't need to shrink Dialga just because you want Giratina to be dominant.

    I understand. However, wouldnt you think it's weird that someone like Dialga would be afraid of Giratina the way Shaymin was as first? I wouldnt but the readers would.

    If he was smaller, then he could get away with it in a normal point of view.


    *clears throat and raises hand* I work with uptight, stoic characters, and my readers tend to think they're the most interesting. One of them doesn't even actually have emotions.
    How do you do it? I mean... even Giratina's mother has emotions and a heart (even tho she's crazy). Even Ghetsis (and Zero and Cyrus; mentioned them because they might appear). I wouldn't know how people can successfully write characters who don't feel anything.

    I so want to be as good as a writer as you guys are


    Yes, you have Gothitelle being mature and responsible, but Hydreigon, Reuniclus, and kid!Giratina are basically the same characters because they react to things the same way. The only differences are names and bodies.
    Except one is massivly dependent and the others are... I admit somewhat the same. For the green blob, I was trying to make her a comic relief character; thats why she's not all that smart. young!Giratina was meant to be both childish but also trying to mature as a character as she learns how people deal with things in the real world.

    other than that'd I dont understand how they are exactly the same.

    As a side note; it's fun for me to work with characters like Gothitelle not only because she's my favorite Pokemon, but because I can be all technical and smart with her. And she's capable of taking care of herself. So if Ghetsis were to capture her, she wouldnt care what trap he pulls out of his 300+ IQ brain of his, she'd break the hell out anyway. A nice break from Hydreigon who often plays the damsel role.

    And it's also intresting to work with characters like Giratina's mom who is misunderstood. Yes she's crazy, but I can explain why she thinks the way she does and add feeling to it.

    I guess that's why this fic didn't really work for me. While the plot started taking a turn for the interesting at the end (because of course I want to know what happens when you lock a psychopath Giratina in an alternate dimension with three kids-at-heart), the lead-up didn't really catch me because I felt like I was rereading the interaction between Hydreigon and Giratina in your other fic. Basically, childlike fully-evolved Pokémon meets childlike legendary, and awkward introductions ensue. I'd hate to put it that bluntly, but that's pretty much it.

    I would have to agree with that part when I looked it over. I would need to kinda rewrite that part.

    Problem is, I dont want the characters to be total stereotypes from the 'dex.
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  12. #12

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    Not sure if I can do this but I updated the first chapter with the reviews given. I hope I did good.~
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  13. #13
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    Quote Originally Posted by -Silver- View Post
    I know that it's a body of water. I thought that there could be land surrounding one.
    Yes, there usually is land surrounding it (for fairly obvious reasons, mainly having to do with the fact that there's usually land on either side of any particular body of water), but it's not exactly as narrow as an ordinary river. To give you an idea, these are bayous. While there are some spits of lands/islands in some of these images, note that the majority of them feature water and more algae-crowded water.

    Of course, if this particular setting is more like the images with a few islands featured in them, then you can avoid the "wait, isn't this a swamp?" notion by describing just enough to make it clear that that's what we're looking at.

    Yeah Pidgeys make more sense for some reason. Thanks (n n)
    Not a problem. Just remember, don't be afraid to look at online Pokédexes if you're not entirely sure about the spelling of a Pokémon's name. There's over six hundred of them, so I'm not entirely surprised if one or two trip people up now and then.

    There's some people who would get confused tho. So that's why I put it there.
    There's fewer people like this than you think because it happens so often in published literature, actually. Put it this way: when in doubt, don't make an author's note about it. Trying to get yourself to say as little as possible in an author's note will help you rely more on your story itself, which should hopefully encourage you to convey everything within the fic, rather than outside of it.

    Besides, if you say she said it rapidly, then the reader can guess why there's no spaces (particularly if they try to read that part aloud). Stating it outside the fic will then be redundant because the reader can figure it out just by saying what the character says.

    I did say that he was a little less nervous and actually smiled when he saw Reuniclus bouncing up and down. Plus she asked.. so naturally one would answer right?
    Not necessarily. There are people who, if they're extremely shy, just don't talk that much. There's also people who aren't shy but won't talk to someone they don't know. No character is forced to do one particular thing; everything they do should depend on the circumstances and their personality.

    Characterization Lesson #1: No two people will react the exact same way in a certain situation. Once you accept this, you'll be more apt to create characters who will make their own decisions. It's like a word problem that has no right or wrong answer. There's no single way to do things, so you need to think outside the box and slip into the mindset of your characters in order to figure out what they would do.

    That being said, while Dialga smiled, he still didn't know who these characters were. Why would he suddenly be okay around them just by watching one of them bouncing towards him? For all he knew, Reuniclus was just about to do something rather unpleasant to him. I say this mostly because he was intensely nervous just a moment ago, so this transition seems abrupt and a little too quick.

    Also here was another reason I wanted shrink Dialga a bit; so that it's be okay for him to like that stuff. I mean I wasnt trying to be funny about him liking kittens and waffles. If he was the canocal size, then my readers would look at me weird.
    I'd hate to put it this way, but they're already looking at you weird for having a legendary who likes kittens and waffles. Shrinking him won't really make much of a difference because, well, you have the Lord of Time liking kittens and waffles. That's like saying God likes My Little Pony.

    However, wouldnt you think it's weird that someone like Dialga would be afraid of Giratina the way Shaymin was as first? I wouldnt but the readers would.
    I'm a reader, and as far as I'm concerned, if someone my size or smaller made of dark energy, pure evil, and tentacles popped out of an alternate dimension and pulled me into what was pretty much the equivalent of Hell, I'd be terrified beyond all capacity for rational thought. It's not the size of the being that counts. It's the creepy, evil bits. There's nothing creepy or evil about size. There's all kinds of things that are creepy and evil about, well, everything else about a person.

    To help you out, let me give you other examples of things that are small and terrifying. Look up anything about parasites. Sure, large animals can potentially be scary, but the things parasites (animals so tiny they can actually live in side you, no less) can do to you without you even knowing it should hopefully scare you more.

    Point is, you don't have to be big to be scary. You just have to be scary, basically.

    How do you do it?
    By being psychotic.

    Seriously, it's a challenge, but when you get a good grasp on characterization and building it, you can create all kinds of characters. In that particular one's case, it (as in, it doesn't have a gender, either) just doesn't express emotion at all. Instead, it sees things in terms of what's logical and what isn't, and whenever it says something, it's always as blunt as possible. It's not that it doesn't react to anything, either. It's more like it only does what it thinks is necessary, and the things it does and how different from what humans would do is what sets it apart from other characters. In a sense, I guess you could say it's a lot like computers in different media. You could look at GLaDOS from the Portal franchise and pretty much get the same idea.

    But just to note, being stoic isn't necessarily the same thing as being emotionless. For example, I have another character who certainly does express emotion whenever necessary, but she always thinks through things calmly. The opposite of stoic would be flying off the handle or breaking down at every situation, but being stoic just means you're likely to be the one to stare directly into the eyes of an angry dog and not flinch. In other words, the key to being stoic is just being strong, steady, and calm in every situation.

    There's of course other personalities besides stoic, childlike, and intelligent, too, and it's possible to combine these to form new personalities. Characterization is all about finding a balance of different traits that make sense and remain consistent from one situation to the next – a little like what Dragonfree said in one of your other threads.

    I so want to be as good as a writer as you guys are
    And that's cool. Getting better in general is a good thing to strive for, and believe me, we're both doing the same ourselves. b)'')b The first step, though, is to start thinking outside the box. Stop thinking of characters as only a few traits, a role, a stereotype, whatever. Start thinking of them as personalities and people. Think about how different people you know in real life are.

    But mostly, yeah, get rid of the stereotypes.

    Except one is massivly dependent
    While still being so childish she launched Hyper Voice at Giratina just to get herself heard. Not to mention she was still a bouncy, childish character when she finally introduced herself to Giratina, if I recall correctly.

    other than that'd I dont understand how they are exactly the same.
    Because you really don't take many steps to show that they're different. Sure, Reuniclus might be intended to be the comic relief, but let's look at her introduction.

    Bouncing towards a strange Pokémon who's nervous to be around her. Shouting a hello. Asking a lot of questions. Trying to make friends with said strange Pokémon.

    And Giratina's?

    Popping up at a strange Pokémon who's nervous to be around her. Shouting a hello. Asking for an introduction before she knows whether or not Hydreigon will attack her. Trying to make friends with said strange Pokémon.

    Basically the same thing as far as we can tell. The only difference is the setting and the Pokémon involved when you get down to it because there's nothing to prove that they're not basically the same. Giratina isn't even shown as being that smart because she flies right into dangerous situations before thinking about them and then curls up and cries instead of striking back. They have the same bubbly personality, the same childlike qualities, the same habits – you can pretty much swap their dialogue and get the same effect.

    As a side note; it's fun for me to work with characters like Gothitelle not only because she's my favorite Pokemon, but because I can be all technical and smart with her. And she's capable of taking care of herself.
    And that's… great? O_o I wasn't really criticizing Gothitelle's characterization at all because she's pretty much the only character who doesn't remind me of one of your other ones. I was just saying that her mention in this chapter seems out-of-place because there's really no reason why she needs to be in here. You don't actually have her appear, and bringing her up really didn't add anything to the story.

    That being said, yes, there's a lot that can be said for intelligent characters, but because you don't really use Gothitelle that much in any of your fics so far, I really can't pass judgment about whether or not her characterization is interesting.

    And it's also intresting to work with characters like Giratina's mom who is misunderstood.
    Keep in mind that there's a difference between misunderstood and sociopathic. As I've mentioned via VM, it's very difficult to relate to a character who would go to extremes and hurt others to obtain a particular goal. If you have other options but opt to kill or hurt someone badly instead of taking the peaceful route, your readers won't see your characters as sympathetic, and you can't really force them to think of your cast that way. The violent route is just not something normal people would do. Instead, it's the mark of an evil character.

    For example, say you have a cute and cuddly kitten. Now, let's say that the kitten pounced on you as part of its play. Would you respond by setting the kitten on fire and jamming it into a tiny box? While it's possible for you to answer "yes" to this question, a normal person would answer "no" because that would be overly cruel. That's the same principle with Giratina's mom. You might think she's justified, but in the end, the punishment she dished out was way too much. As a result, she just seems cruel and cold, not someone we should feel sorry for.

    So, the point is you can come up with an explanation that makes us feel sorry for Giratina, sure, but you'll want to remember that it has to be an explanation that would make us feel sorry for Giratina. Not just any explanation will do, basically.

    Problem is, I dont want the characters to be total stereotypes from the 'dex.
    *nod* And you really don't have to, but you'll still need to figure out how to make each character unique. To do that, you'll need to experiment with your characters and break away from your reliance on stereotypes – and you'll need to do it with much more than a few baby steps. (As in, show us how different these characters are within the fic, and give them more than a handful of traits that differ from the characters around them.)

    It might help to do a bit of reading. Looking at how someone else handles characterization might give you some ideas as to how casts are created in general.

    Anyway, I'll look at the edits sometime later. I just wanted to reply to your response for the time being.

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    I can't find those parts with Giratina's mom everyone's talking about. I enjoy sociopaths.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Sgeckledorf Spoongeblorb View Post
    I can't find those parts with Giratina's mom everyone's talking about. I enjoy sociopaths.
    This chapter of The Lost World of Giratina. The one where Giratina's mom, in response to bullying, pitches a bully into the horizon and grinds three crying children into the ground. And in my book, it'd be amusing because of how over-the-top in terms of violence it is. However, the problems are that it's meant to be taken seriously and that we're supposed to feel sorry for Giratina and her mother at the end of the fic, and that scene sort of kills any possibility of that.

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    Quote Originally Posted by JX Valentine View Post
    I'd hate to put it this way, but they're already looking at you weird for having a legendary who likes kittens and waffles. Shrinking him won't really make much of a difference because, well, you have the Lord of Time liking kittens and waffles. That's like saying God likes My Little Pony.
    I can understand because when people think og legedaries, they think of "RAAWRRR IMMA LEGENDARY!111 IM BETTER THAN JOO". Just because they are legendaries doesn't mean they get special treatment

    I almost forgot that he can control time (is that right?). Anywho, they are important, but I treat them as any other Pokemon. Actually, there's one who has an ego to 'er and that's Dialga's older sister who might appear later in the story.

    Anyhow, I dont go for the egotistical personalities even is they are the big shot Pokemon
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    Quote Originally Posted by -Silver- View Post
    I can understand because when people think og legedaries, they think of "RAAWRRR IMMA LEGENDARY!111 IM BETTER THAN JOO". Just because they are legendaries doesn't mean they get special treatment

    I almost forgot that he can control time (is that right?). Anywho, they are important, but I treat them as any other Pokemon. Actually, there's one who has an ego to 'er and that's Dialga's older sister who might appear later in the story.

    Anyhow, I dont go for the egotistical personalities even is they are the big shot Pokemon
    Erm... I'd hate to put it in a way that could potentially offend you, but you missed the point. ._.

    The point I was trying to make has nothing to do with egotism. It has everything to do with what a Pokémon is. I know you're new to the fandom, so let me put it this way. Legendaries, in canon, are not just everyday Pokémon. For example, yes, Dialga can control time. It's the Pokémon to do so -- the one explicitly stated in myths and whatnot to have the power to travel through it and mess around with it as if it was Play-Doh. (*motions to the Mystery Dungeon series for a prime example of Dialga doing just that*) Regardless of whether or not it thinks it's a god, it's powerful enough to be one in that universe.

    One thing you have to understand when you write fanfiction is that you've got a lot of preconceived notions about the things you're tackling. What that means is that there's a lot of stuff already in the games, manga, anime, you name it that are thought of as fact and common knowledge (or at least accessible knowledge), so your readers will go into your story thinking about these things. That's why you can't just violate canon whenever you feel like it for less than solid reasons. Your readers will automatically see Dialga as being a legendary and therefore more powerful than normal Pokémon. (Just how powerful is a bit more up to interpretation, but it's generally accepted that legendaries just aren't ordinary.) Likewise, they'll automatically assume Ghetsis will be exactly like the one in canon, and they'll think that Giratina is a certain size in comparison with Dialga. While being inconsistent with some of these might be okay (so long as you don't do it so often that it's noticeable), being inconsistent with the things that are important (a specific canon character's personality, how important legendaries are in comparison with other Pokémon around them, et cetera) will of course make your readers look at you funny because they'll start to think that you're doing it for no apparent reason and that you're just creating a completely original story with the names of things in the Pokémon fandom thrown in halfheartedly. In other words, to a reader, it's just not pretty.

    That being said, yes, your readers will still look at you funny for having a legendary like kittens and waffles. It's not because we expect Dialga to think he's superior to the others. It's because you're taking a Pokémon that just is a step above the rest and turning it into something that seems cartoonish. I mean, it's just really hard to take Dialga seriously because the things he offers as answers are, to be frank, a little on the ridiculous side considering the fact that you are essentially doing the equivalent of having God like My Little Pony. Whether or not God thinks he's better than mortals doesn't matter. It's the fact that it's God liking Pinkie Pie that's difficult to grasp.

    I'd hate to say it, but I think I've figured out where you're coming to a metaphorical brick wall in terms of development. Basically, there's a disconnect somewhere along the line, so you're not entirely realizing that what your readers would actually think and what you want your readers to think are two different things. If you want to be well-liked, you'll need to have an idea of how a reader would see your work. Right now, a lot of your readers are having a hard time fully enjoying your writing because there's a lot of things that happen in it that just don't make much sense to them -- or worse, just come off as ridiculous, sad to say. You've got to sit down and think hard about how each situation looks to someone else. Put yourself in your readers' shoes. Maybe go around and read reviews and reactions to other people's stories to learn what kinds of things people notice.

    If you're still having difficulties, get a beta reader and work closely with them. Because the beta reader should be someone who can read your work objectively, they should offer a pair of eyes that can see your work in ways you can't.

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    dialga is wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy bigger than charizard. wayyyyyy wayyyyyyy bigger. cool story though.

  19. #19

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    I get it. I want to ask, if I were to add my own twist to canon, would I need to add a backstory?

    I know that readers expect things to be a certian way, but they should know that I'm not a perfect writer like they are where they have 300+ readers. And the people who hate what I write are that... popular. Had to say that because I got little sad :[

    If I were to stick to whats canon, then I'd have to make Gothitelle a peice of crap while Beheyeem and Reuniclus are little miss perfects because everyone loves them. I wanted to make a hated Pokemon rather liked, so I went against canon to do that.

    For a ledgonary I can understand now. I want to know how can I add in a fun side to 'em? Because I didnt want to make them plain and boring. In short, I dont want to have many Arceus' running around

    I hope that you dont hate me but I was a little hurt by the reason readers dont like the writing
    岩根雅明=♡

  20. #20
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    Quote Originally Posted by -Silver- View Post
    I get it. I want to ask, if I were to add my own twist to canon, would I need to add a backstory?
    If you mean backstory as in something like Lost World of Giratina, it's better if you don't. Whenever you differentiate from canon, you should really make it clear what's different, why it's different, and how it makes sense within that universe.

    For example, let's say I want to write a fic in which Professor Oak is a massive womanizer who hangs around Celadon City to pick up girls instead of doing actual research in Pallet Town. I could do that, but because my readers don't see Professor Oak that way, I need to work extra hard to make sure my decision to have Oak be like that (instead of just making my own character) makes sense to them. That means that, within the same fic, I need to establish as clearly as possible what's different about this world as a whole and why I chose to characterize Oak that way (by doing things like showing a reader what Oak's reputation is within that world, for example). In other words, if you can't say it within the same fanfiction, then chances are, it's just not going to make sense to a reader.

    And even then, it's not a sure guarantee. No matter how I'd write it, a womanizing Professor Oak will usually strike a reader as hilarious more than serious. You'll want to be wary of what your boundaries are when it comes to suspending canon, and you'll know that by getting a good idea as to how typical readers react to that kind of thing.

    I know that readers expect things to be a certian way, but they should know that I'm not a perfect writer like they are where they have 300+ readers.
    And you should know that you can't expect readers to cut you a break. :/ I mean, you chose to write within this fandom, so you're going to have to learn how to work with its canon. Not that many people have 300+ readers. I don't, either. Just because you're not popular is, bluntly put, still not an excuse.

    You're just going about this the wrong way, if you don't mind me saying. If you want readers, you'll want to cater to them. You'll have to tickle their fancy, and you'll need to figure out how they would react to the things you're writing. You can't just put out anything and expect readers to be okay with everything you do. Rather, you'll need to think carefully and work carefully to fill in holes.

    It's like forming a debate or writing a persuasive paper. You might have done either in school. Basically, do you remember how your teachers would tell you that in writing a persuasive essay, you need to address everything someone who opposes you would possibly say, even before they say it? It's like that. Let's say you're writing an essay trying to convince someone that ice cream is awesome. You can't just say "ice cream is awesome" and be done with it because that won't convince anyone. You have to say, "Ice cream is awesome, and also, I know some people don't think the same way I do, so let me just say a few things that prove that they're wrong in thinking ice cream sucks." If you do that, then the people reading your essay won't have anything to argue against because you've already told them that they're wrong in disagreeing with you.

    Same thing happens in fanfiction, weirdly enough. If you want to write fic that you want people online to like, you first need to make sure that there's nothing they can point out. The fewer grammatical errors, the fewer plot holes, and the fewer things that they'd say just don't make any sense, the more likely they'd say that your fic is awesome. The more likely that happens, the more likely people will come to your fic for the right reasons (rather than just to point out errors and whatnot).

    So... yeah. I'd hate to beat the point into the ground, but your readers won't care that you're not perfect. No one is perfect. But if you want to be well-liked, you'll need to realize that your readers are here to be entertained, not to swallow everything you put out just because you want them to.

    If I were to stick to whats canon, then I'd have to make Gothitelle a peice of crap while Beheyeem and Reuniclus are little miss perfects because everyone loves them.
    Last I checked, Gothitelle was a popular Pokémon (due to goth chiq), and Beheyeem was only really popular for battling. Reuniclus is just a cutesy Pokémon.

    Not to mention this has nothing to do with canon. Canon is what the games, anime, and manga say is true. What fans say about them is not canon because that's just what the fans say.

    Put it this way. I write a lot about Bill, who if you don't know (because if I recall correctly, you came in during the gens his roles were heavily downplayed) is the inventor of the Pokémon storage system and is, therefore, a massive genius. Also, he's not exactly popular. As in, I can count the number of fans who started liking them on their own instead of thanks to yours truly on one hand. When I write according to canon, he's a technological genius who's super-serious about his work, and that's true-to-canon because that's what he is according to the games and whatnot. If I wrote according to what fans say about him, then I wouldn't write about him at all because most people aren't aware he exists.

    Point is, fan opinion =/= canon. If you want to know about what canon says concerning the Pokémon you want to include in your fics, your best bet is to look at their articles and read about what they did in the anime, games, and manga.

    Of course, this all strikes me as a little odd either way because why would you write a character as being perfect in every way just because fans like them? By that logic, Ash would be a super-genius in every fic about him, just because of how many people like him. (Most people like him because he's an idiot, so popularity is a moot point for the poor buttmonkey.)

    I wanted to make a hated Pokemon rather liked, so I went against canon to do that.
    You can make a character well-liked without going against canon. In fact, if you really want to convince people that a character is awesome, it's better if you go with canon. *motions to her example concerning Bill*

    Of course, as I've just mentioned in the other point I've successfully bludgeoned into the ground with repetition a moment ago, popularity among fans is not considered a part of canon.

    I want to know how can I add in a fun side to 'em?
    By realizing that having fun or interesting characters and having childlike characters aren't necessarily the same concept. In order to create an interesting character, you first need to figure out how to create an interesting personality. I've already gone over that in earlier posts, though, so I'll just leave it at this to see if you get what I was saying earlier.

    I hope that you dont hate me
    I don't hate you. A little tempted to facepalm because you're not the first person who's ever offered the "I'm not perfect and my readers should be okay with that" argument, but if you at least get that part, then you're on the right track, believe me.

    And I do apologize if this particular post came off as overly blunt, but seeing things like that really is a habit that'll only hurt you in the end.

    REBOOT: Chapter fifteen now available. | Original: Chapter thirty-one now available.

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  21. #21

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    I understand now and I apologize.

    OH and the revisions on chapter 1? (before i go and finish number 2)
    岩根雅明=♡

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