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Thread: Pitched, Stomped and Shattered (One-Shot)

  1. #1
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    Default Pitched, Stomped and Shattered (One-Shot)

    This was something off the Lost World of Giratina. But written in one of the kids from her school's point of view. Got the idea to do this from a reviewer (thanks for the unexpected inspiration)

    I must warn you, this story, it has twisted scenes


    Koffing's POV:

    Pokemon School was almost ending as I anxiously watch the clock. The clock kept ticking and the hand keeps moving. It was 4:50 at the time and school always lets out at 5:00. By staring at the clock, I hoped that time would fly faster; however it seems like an eternity just to get to the next minute, sometimes even to the next second. I was anxious; anxious to get out of here. I can feel sweat slowly starting to fall down my face from my forehead. I can feel that gasses inside me start to let out. I wanted this thing to ring already. Please ring already! The suspense is killing me.

    “Koffing! Do your work,” the teacher yelled.

    The “work” we had to do was to draw how we were feeling today. I already finished my piece. It was quite easy to be honest. I just drew myself sleeping on my nice, soft bed with my pillow flipped to the cold side. I was feeling sleepy and it was mostly from boredom. School is a bore sometimes; especially when the teacher makes us go through these math drills that are an hour long. Sometimes I wonder: how does this make a difference in our lives. I mean, I’m a Pokemon. All I do is eat, sleep, drink, go to school, get annoyed by my older brother, train my fighting skills and hang out with friends.

    I sat at my table, just sitting with a neutral look. Right next to me on my left was my older brother, Weezing and my friend, Ghastly was sitting next to him. On my right, was Wigglytuff, another friend of mine. We sat there with bored looks on our faces, waiting for the bell to ring. Weezing takes another crayon from the box given to our table and continues to scribble. That was all he drew was… scribbles. I think that he’s either bored or just being plain stupid. Nonetheless, I watched him scribble all over his paper, even getting some on the desk.

    “Hey, bro… psss. You’re getting crayon on the table,” I whispered to him.

    “Well that’s what the teacher is here for, to clean it off,” Weezing silently snickered.

    As he went back to his scribbling, I saw a green crayon being tossed over from my right side, hitting Weezing on his head. He rubbed the side of his head while looking around. Eventually, he figured that either I or Wigglytuff threw something at him.

    “Whacha do that for?!” he snapped.

    “For bein’ an idot!” Wigglytuff whispered.

    I believed that he deserved it, especially for the smart remark he made. He gave Wigglytuff the lazy eye and went back to scribbling on his paper, which barely has any white on it. As I began to rest my head on the table, Wigglytuff softly tapped on the table as if he was trying to get our attention.

    “Hey guys! I got an idea!” he said with a sly smile. Now, everytime Wiggly has an idea, I start to dread it. I don’t like being a part of the boys’ stupidity.

    “What is it?” Ghastly asked.

    “Glad ya’ asked. See that stupid kid over there?” he pointed to the table on my left side.

    Sitting there, alone, at that particular table was Giratina. As soon as I looked at her, I knew that the boys wanted to do something stupid which would involve making her mad. See, Giratina is one that gets mad every easily. When someone picks on her, she gets angry to the point where she should violently attack them. The girl gets picked on a lot for her looks, as she was a big worm like Pokemon. With wings that looked like tentacles and spikes along her body that were very sharp. She also had two gold plates that covered her mouth and what seems to be a crown on her head. I feel for Giratina but I think sometimes, her temper gets out of control.

    “Yea?” Weezing and Ghastly asked.

    “Well. Let’s throw these crayons at her. It would be fun! Like this…” Wigglytuff picked up a crayon from the box and threw it at Giratina, hitting her in the head. She immediately looked our way and I can tell you that I was scared when I looked over at her. But the rest of the guys? They were sitting there, whistling as if nothing happened and that I was the one who threw the crayon. Wiggly had me duck as he and the boys got more crayons and threw them at poor Giratina. I couldn’t see her as of now but I can only imagine that she was hurt and angry at the same time. I wish that people would stop picking on this poor girl. I really do.

    “Stop…” Giratina pleaded with tears in her eyes. However do you think these stupid heads would stop? Nah. Wiggly has resorted to crumbling up paper given to our table and throwing paper balls at her; while Weezing and Ghastly continue to throw crayons.

    Giratina then snapped and got up from her seat and came at Wigglytuff. She plowed into him, also knocking over our table and chairs, and started to bite him while on top of him. I was on the floor, helplessly watching as my friend was getting bit. It god so bad that he was bleeding in some parts. Those parts, she really sinked her teeth into him to make sure he was hurt.

    “HEEELLLPPP I’m being attacked by a monster!” he yelled out in pain.

    I wanted to teacher to come and clean off his wounds. Because from the looks of it, she’s biting him like if he was bubblegum. I saw the teacher from the corner of my eye grading papers as this was happening. At this point, I didn’t know what to do. I was scared to tell the teacher but at the same time, this is a friend of mine being attacked. When I looked over at them, Giratina was powering what looks like her Will-o-whisp and proceeding to hit Wigglytuff with it. However, before she could do that, I can see the teacher rushing over to the scene. We were in the back of the classroom, so maybe that’s why she didn’t see us before.

    “Giratina! What are you doing?!” the teacher yelled.

    Giratina looked up at the teacher with a strange look on her face. It was like a ‘how dare you interrupt me’ look.

    “He was making fun of me. So I attacked him,” she said.

    “Giratina, all that matters is that you fought and someone got hurt because of it. And I saw YOU biting on another student.” The teacher said sternly.

    “But he deserved it!” Giratina screamed.

    “OUTSIDE!” the teacher pointed to the door. “Wait there for your mother to come pick you up since class is almost over...”

    So she went outside as instructed. I feel bad for this girl, but I wish she didn’t do that to Wigglytuff. I mean, the poor guy is sitting there in paint, with a towel wrapped around him and blood on the floor. He was shaking and I can tell he was afraid. I wouldn’t imagine going what he’s going through now. Then, to my surprise… the bell rings to let school out. Ah, time does really fly when one doesn’t watch the clock. I got up with my paper and handed it to the teacher on the way out. As soon as I stepped out… guess who I saw?

    Not only did I see Giratina, but her mother was standing there right next to her. Now, I’m more afraid of her mother than I am of her temper; because she will hurt anyone who makes fun or gives Giratina a hard time. I ducked back into the building to catch up to the other guys.

    “Guys, the mother Giratina is out there…” I warned the guys.

    “Hey if we stick together and act like nothing happened, then we will be okay,” Wigglytuff said as he put on his glasses.

    As soon at the other boys were ready, we all proceeded to walk out the door. I held on to Weezing on the way out, seeing that I was scared. I kept thinking: look straight, Koffing, look straight. I looked straight at the parking lot a head, just thinking about my house and my bed. How wonderful it would be just to get out of here and lie down for the day. As we were talking, I noticed on the corner of my eye, Giratina’s mother coming toward us. I tried my best not to look directly at her but I can see her from the corner. Then, I saw her pick up Wigglytuff, who, mind you, he’s hurt. She grabbed him in her mouth. We all looked up at him, shocked. Me? I was honestly scared for him. I don’t know what he’s going to do. I froze for that moment. Shocked and scared. I even had tears welling in my eyes, because this was a friend of mine. A stupid friend, but a friend nonetheless.

    Then, I watched her fling poor Wiggly over to the left side. I saw him, being pitched like he was a baseball, disappearing into the night. My heart dropped for him. Because now I wonder how he’s going fair out tomorrow. If we can find him. Giratina then looked up at her mother in that moment. Her mother seems to be talking to her, and how right I was.

    “Those guys!” She yelled out as she pointed to us. Now, my heart dropped even more. I. Was. Petrified. Her mother looked at us with glowing red eyes, eyes that look like that are angry. She came over to use, looking down at us. My heart was beating faster as she kept looking at us. She then did the unthinkable. She raised her large foot right over us! Now, I know that I am really hoping that I make it. I held on to Weezing as I tried to fight back tears.

    The mother Giratina looked over at her daughter and was talking to her again. Giratina looked up at her and told her “yes! Do it!” She then looked straight at us and yelled out “do it!”

    “Giratina, why?” I whispered.

    That moment, my world became pitched black. Giratina’s mother slammed her foor right on us, grinding us into the ground. My head was killing me and my body was aching. What made it worse was that she moved her foot left and right about 5 times, so it made the pain even worse! She eventually lifted her foot off us and I try with all of my strength to get out the ground. I was very weak and felt as if I was about to faint. My oxygen felt like it was running thin and my body felt like paper. I looked up at Giratina and her mother. The mother Giratina was nuzzling her child and Giratina looked as if she was tired. But the worst part was that she was happy. She showed no emotion, nothing. She climbed on her mother’s back and off they went. As they left, I started to faint.

    To end this, I feel bad for Giratina, but I can tell you that I defiantly hate her mother. Sorry but what she did to us, that was not cool. These aches and pains that I have, I will forever live with them. I’m scarred for life. Me and my brother are hurting every day from this. I hope that Arceus gets that monster one day. For now, I wish Giratina well. Because she’s going to need courage. Lots of it.
    岩根雅明=♡

  2. #2
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    Another one, eh?

    Pokemon School was almost ending as I anxiously watched the clock.
    The clock kept ticking and the hand kept moving.
    The “work” we had to do was to draw how we were feeling today. I had already finished my piece. It was quite easy to be honest. I just drew myself sleeping on my nice, soft bed with my pillow flipped to the cold side. I was feeling sleepy and it was mostly from boredom. School was a bore sometimes; especially when the teacher made us go through these math drills that are an hour long. Sometimes I wondered: how does this make a difference in our lives. I mean, I’m a Pokemon. All I do is eat, sleep, drink, go to school, get annoyed by my older brother, train my fighting skills and hang out with friends.
    Sitting there, alone, at that particular table was Giratina. As soon as I looked at her, I knew that the boys wanted to do something stupid which would involve making her mad. See, Giratina is one that gets mad every easily. When someone picks on her, she gets angry to the point where she violently attacked them. The girl gets picked on a lot for her looks, as she was a big worm like Pokemon. With wings that looked like tentacles and spikes along her body that were very sharp. She also had two gold plates that covered her mouth and what seems to be a crown on her head. I feel for Giratina but I think sometimes, her temper gets out of control.
    I looked straight at the parking lot ahead, just thinking about my house and my bed. How wonderful it would have been just to have gotten out of there and to have lain down for the day.
    “Those guys!” She yelled out as she pointed to us. Now, my heart dropped even more. I. Was. Petrified. Her mother looked at us with glowing red eyes, eyes that look like they are angry. She came over to use, looking down at us. My heart was beating faster as she kept looking at us. She then did the unthinkable. She raised her large foot right over us! Now, I knew that I was really hoping that I would make it. I held on to Weezing as I tried to fight back tears.
    The mother Giratina looked over at her daughter and was talking to her again. Giratina looked up at her and told her “Yes! Do it!” She then looked straight at us and yelled out “Do it!”
    That moment, my world became pitch black. Giratina’s mother slammed her foot right on us, grinding us into the ground. My head was killing me and my body was aching. What made it worse was that she moved her foot left and right about 5 times, so it made the pain even worse! She eventually lifted her foot off us and I tried with all of my strength to get out the ground. I was very weak and felt as if I was about to faint. My oxygen felt like it was running thin and my body felt like paper. I looked up at Giratina and her mother. The mother Giratina was nuzzling her child and Giratina looked as if she was tired. But the worst part was that she was happy. She showed no emotion, nothing. She climbed on her mother’s back and off they went. As they left, I started to faint.
    Past/Present tense mix-ups and spelling here, fixed in Bold. How in the world can a Weezing throw crayons? Why is Giratina in a school with so many regular Pokemon in it? If she was in a Legendary school, it would make more sense, don'tcha think?

    But the worst part was that she was happy. She showed no emotion, nothing.
    It seems a bit contradictory. And again, children don't generally show happiness at that kind of pain...

    Your description is quite bland, I'm afraid. Your second to last paragraph is proof of that. Try comparing the situation in which you are in to something your readers will be familiar with, or using especially descriptive adjectives like diminutive (use Dictionary.com, it'll help, just check the definition of the word in question), it'll make it more... colorful. Look in Fictions like Breezy's, Psychic's, Dragonfree's for inspiration. Keep working at it!
    Last edited by chanseychansey77; 15th July 2011 at 9:01 PM.

  3. #3
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    M<y last post wasnt necessary. So yeah I will get to that with the spelling mistakes.

    Overall, did I accomplish my goal? Meaning did I make you feel bad for not only the narrator, but Giratina as well.
    岩根雅明=♡

  4. #4
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    ^Yes, I do feel bad for them... But you'd have to be determined to hate not to feel sorry for child raised by a mother like that, as well somebody crippled for life...

    The real issue is, are you applying the advice given to you by other reviewers? It can take time, what matters is that you follow it. If you'd like to make a good fiction that people look to as an example, that's what you've got to do. It takes hard work to do anything right, and writing is no exception.

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    Quote Originally Posted by chanseychansey77 View Post
    ^Yes, I do feel bad for them... But you'd have to be determined to hate not to feel sorry for child raised by a mother like that, as well somebody crippled for life...
    What? What does that mean? I guess you dont feel for Giratina's mom eh? :[

    The real issue is, are you applying the advice given to you by other reviewers? It can take time, what matters is that you follow it. If you'd like to make a good fiction that people look to as an example, that's what you've got to do. It takes hard work to do anything right, and writing is no exception.
    Yes I am. I would never blow them off, even tho they accuse me of doing that. Honestly I hate when they do that because I always try to take their advice.
    岩根雅明=♡

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    ^Nope, no pity for Mrs. Giratina. Being a jerk at any time is bad enough, but being a jerky parent...

    You'd deserve Arceus' wrath. It can potentially scar a child's life, which is most serious.

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    Quote Originally Posted by chanseychansey77 View Post
    ^Nope, no pity for Mrs. Giratina. Being a jerk at any time is bad enough, but being a jerky parent...

    You'd deserve Arceus' wrath. It can potentially scar a child's life, which is most serious.
    protecting child =/= being a jerk.

    As the narrator put it, the poor girl gets picked on and the mother reacts in her own way.
    岩根雅明=♡

  8. #8
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    I love how the story relates to real life in a way!
    Also I like how you set up the whole scene for it to come down to giratina's mom having to step in! ^__^ hehe
    An my fav. part is how the characters all have their own unique way of being bad!

    Join PI Forums please! :0
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  9. #9
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    protecting child =/= being a jerk.

    As the narrator put it, the poor girl gets picked on and the mother reacts in her own way.
    There was certainly a better way to handle the situation, though. The mother reacted in a very poor way that would set a bad example for the younger Giratina, that might makes right. The younger Giratina is an unfortunate case...

  10. #10
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    Quote Originally Posted by deoxysxx View Post
    I love how the story relates to real life in a way!
    Also I like how you set up the whole scene for it to come down to giratina's mom having to step in! ^__^ hehe
    An my fav. part is how the characters all have their own unique way of being bad!
    Yeah that's what I'm doin' here XD

    I'm trying to make the reader think since this can happen in real life (not what Giratina's mother did). Parents getting revenge.

    I'm trying to get the reader to understand that and the narrator as well.
    岩根雅明=♡

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