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Thread: Pokemon' Unova Chronicles Take 2.

  1. #1
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    Default Pokemon' Unova Chronicles Take 2.

    I am remaking Pokemon' Unova Chronicle. The old one isn't yet dead, but I didn't like the way I was going and wanted to change up some stuff. However, the first post is exactly the same. So here, second chapter should be up soon.

    Chapter 1: Unova Beginning.

    -Nuvema Town. 7:30 A.M.-

    A young man, approximately 15, was standing in front of a mirror. The room he stood in was a basic bedroom, brown walls, a mid-sized T.V., a bed, a bookcase, a desk and a computer. The man was about average height with brown hair. He was buttoning up his white shirt when a woman’s voice called for him. “Tom get down here.” The woman was his mother, and she had good reason to call Tom downstairs. Today, he would start on his journey through the pokemon world. He zipped up and buttoned his blue jeans and tied his shoes before heading down stairs. At the bottom waited his mom, middle-aged woman with hair like his but longer. She wore a blue shirt and green pants. “Finally.” She said. "Lauren is going to be here any second. Do you have all your stuff straight?”

    “Yeah mom.” Tom replied. “Backpack, poke balls, food, clothes, tent, cell phone and money.”

    “Good.” His mother said. “Now go get your stuff.” She shooed Tom upstairs. He returned a minute later wearing a backpack and holding a bag that stored his tent. “Good.” She said. “Now we just have to wait for Lauren. Go get some breakfast while we wait.”

    “Okay mom.” Tom replied walking to the kitchen. He made a bowl of cereal, but as soon as he grabbed a spoon the doorbell rang. “I got it mom.” He yelled as he walked into the living room and opened the door. On the other side of the doorframe stood his girlfriend, Lauren. She stood as tall as Tom and had her brown upper back-length hair tied into a ponytail. She was straightening out the arm of her white top when Tom opened the door. “Hey Lauren.” He said. “Do you mind if we wait a little longer? There will still be pokemon and I haven’t had breakfast yet.”

    “Fine.” Lauren said. This was just like Tom, to put everything off until he has had food. “But hurry up before Steven beats us to picking the pokemon.” She walked in and dropped her backpack down. “Ches.” She yelled. A small, purple cat slunk out from under Tom’s couch. He had two long, pointed fuchsia markings above his green eyes and a pale area around his petite mouth. Two tapered, pale marks sat on the inside of his eyes. He walked up to Lauren on his long legs, licking the white fur on his shoulders when he got to her. “You are the cutest Purrloin ever.” She said petting him. He swung his scythe shaped tail around and purred in happiness. “You almost done Tom?” She yelled.

    “Almost!” Tom yelled from the kitchen. After a few seconds he yelled again. “Done. Let me grab my backpack and we can leave.” Tom walked back into the living room and grabbed his backpack. He petted Ches on the cat’s white back before calling to his mom. “Mom! Me and Lauren are heading out now.”

    “Take care and be careful.” She yelled from somewhere out of sight. “And make sure to call.”

    “I will.” Tom shouted back. “Come on.” He said to Lauren. The couple walked out of the house and into the small town.

    Nuvema Town was not very large, but tons of fifteen and sixteen year olds, and some older people but nowhere near as many, were gathered around one building. A large windowed building with a sign reading ‘Professor Juniper’s lab’ sitting out front. The building was, well, a pokemon lab. In it Professor Juniper, the Unova region’s resident starter professor, was handing out one of three pokemon to new trainers. There was Snivy, the snake grass pokemon. Tepig, the fire pig pokemon. Or Oshawott, the sea otter pokemon. Some of the people were leaving to start their journey with their new partner, but most were still waiting in line or registering so that they could get a pokemon.

    “Come on.” Lauren said running ahead of Tom. “We registered yesterday and it’s early so we might get a good spot in line.”

    “Well wait for me.” Tom said, running to catch up with Lauren.

    -Ten Minutes Later-

    Tom and Lauren were waiting in line to get to Professor Juniper. “Come on.” Lauren mumbled. They were next in line and she was getting more angry by the second. After a few seconds a young man walked out of Professor Juniper’s office where she was giving out starters. “Finally!” Lauren yelled. “Come on.” She grabbed Tom’s hand and roughly pulled him up and into the professor’s office. Inside the office was a mess. Papers laid everywhere, the floor, the desk, the multiple bookshelves. “Where’s the professor?” Lauren asked.

    “Right Here.” A feminine voice said from somewhere to the two’s left.

    “Where are you?” Tom asked, looking in the direction the voice came from. Suddenly, a woman popped out of a pile of papers. She was chasing a small grey pokemon. It had a pouch shaped body with a large head and equally large ears with white tips. The woman jumped at the pokemon, but it jumped up and landed on her head, rubbing its long tail on the back of the woman‘s head.

    “Need some help?” Tom asked.

    “Sure.” The woman said, leaping at the pokemon again. Tom walked up to it from one side, making the pokemon scurry off in the opposite direction. It turned around and shook its tail at Tom, letting Lauren grab it.

    “Here.” Lauren said handing the pokemon to the woman. “So professor, why was the Minccino running around your office?”

    “She was just playing around.” The woman said. “So, how may I help you two?”

    “Well Professor Juniper, we are here to get out starters.” Tom said.

    The woman, revealed to be professor Juniper, reached into a pocket on her lab coat and pulled out a poke ball. She tapped it on Minccino, returning the pokemon to its ball. Well then, may I ask what pokemon you want?”

    “Snivy.” Lauren said.

    “And I would like an Oshawott.” Tom said.

    “Okay then.” Professor Juniper said reaching into her other coat pocket, pulling out two poke balls. One with a green mark on it and the other a blue spot. “Here and here.” She handed the ball with the green spot to Lauren and the blue spotted ball to Tom. “Please, let out your pokemon.”

    “Go Snivy!” Lauren yelled throwing out the poke ball. Out of the ball came a green, serpentine shape. The pokemon had a pointed face and laid on their stomach, sleeping. “Wake up Snivy.” Lauren said poking the snake pokemon. Snivy yawned as it woke up and stood up to reveal that it had two thin legs and stubby arms. It also revealed its pale, scaly stomach. It had a three pointed leaf at the end of its tail and an orange stripe going up from the tip of its tail to the bottom of its neck, splitting and twirling up into two collar like growths.

    “Snivy.” The pokemon said regally, going back to sleep.

    “Yeah.” Juniper sighed. “This Snivy tends to sleep a lot, but he is the strongest one we have.”

    “I think I can stand it.” Lauren said. “So Tom, lets see that Oshawott.”

    “Okay.” Tom said affirmatively. “Go Oshawott!” He threw his poke ball . Out of it came a blue otter. It had a large white head with a red nose and freckles on its cheeks. It scratched its small, dark blue ear with its stubby arms. It stood up on its dark blue feet, swinging its body and hitting papers with its stubby tail.

    “Cute.” Lauren said.

    “Yeah.” Tom said. “Especially with that shell blade of hers” Tom was referring to the yellow oyster shell that was attached to Oshawott’s chest.

    “Yes, she isn’t the best with it though.” The Professor said. “Now then, it was good to meet you two, but please leave. I have other people to deal with.”

    “Okay.” Lauren said dragging Tom out of the building, their pokemon followed.

    -Another 10 minutes later-

    Lauren and Tom stood opposite each other in a large field behind the lab. “Remember.” Lauren said. “No crying when I beat you.”

    “I won’t.” Tom retorted. “But you have can’t either.”

    “Go Snivy!” Lauren yelled. Snivy walked sleepily into the field.

    “Go Oshawott!” Tom howled. Oshawott stepped onto the field.

    “Lets see, what moves can Snivy use?” Lauren wondered as she pulled out her Pokedex. "Leer, and Tackle..."

    “Oshawott can use Tackle and Tail Whip.” Tom read off of his Pokedex. “You want the first move?” he asked Lauren.

    “Sure.” She answered happily. “Snivy, Leer!” she yelled. Snivy yawned and fixed an intimidating glare at Oshawott.

    "Tail Whp Oshawott." Tom ordered.

    Oshawott jumped an Snivy and squealed "Osha!". Oshawott smacked Snivy with her tail with such force, it knocked him back a few feet.

    “Snivy, counter with Leer!” Lauren ordered. Snivy glared at Oshawott again.

    “Oshawott, use Tackle!” Oshawott ran at and tackled Snivy to the ground. When Oshawott got up, Snivy was shown to be asleep.

    “Well then, I guess you win.” Lauren said to Tom. “Return Snivy.” She held up her pokeball and returned Snivy.

    “Guess we better be heading out then.” Tom said returning Oshawott. The couple started walking to the town entrance to start their adventures in the pokemon world.
    Last edited by CuriousHeartless; 27th March 2011 at 12:18 AM.

  2. #2
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    Yes! Welcome back, I agree with you that I didn't like where the old one was going. I'm glad you decided to revise it. However, I would've expected you to al least make some minor changes and improvements to it. But anyway, lets hope this one doesn't get stuck eh?
    A group of 10 special trainers have been essembled by Professor Birch in a unexplored land. Their mission - to find some special stones to stop Team Magma and Team Aqua from getting them so that the professors can start their indistrialisation of the place. Follow their adventures in "Regional Conflict - The Five Sacred Stones. Please read, and review :)Here is the link. http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?t=482753 Last chapter - Chapter 10: The Tides of Terror

    Please read my other fic, a Unova journey fic - Unova apprentices. - http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?t=498160

    VM me if you want me to review your fic.

    White is nearly done, and nearly all my generation 4 pokemon are on there.

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    Yeah, I only made two changes.

    1. Changed Kanoko town to Nuvema town.

    2. Slightly edited the time leadoff.

    I'm hoping this one will get finished=)

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    I liked this chapter the first time, and nothing major has changed, it still works for me! I just have one little problem though...

    Quote Originally Posted by Kissmygrass96 View Post
    “I won’t.” Tom retorted. “But you have can’t either.”
    This doesn't really make sense to me. I don't know if that's just me, but I think there needs to be a change there.

    Other than that, really good!
    Ever wondered what it's like to battle like Ash? No?
    How about Misty, Paul, Brock, Dawn, anybody from the anime?
    Have a go for yourself in the ASB league! Interested? Of course you are! Here's how you get started!
    PASBL Trainer Level 2

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    Yay! It's back! Remember our first conversation was about the old one? Now we're buddies on SPPF. Put me back on the PM list if possible
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bugwarrior View Post
    : THAT'S IT! *turns to Milo* I DON'T WANT YOUR BALLS MILO!
    : o.o
    wifiguest3216: battle plz, no nasty plot, or sword dance, or dragon dance, and u HAVE TO LET me set up bellyzard, and no taunt, or heracross, and NO WEAVILE, and no substitute unless I have it. And dont use that many attacks and NO ROAR or WHIRLWIND. AND IF IM GOING TO LOSE, then quit the fight.
    Back early!

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    It was, I'll have to go check that. And welcome Dusknoirdude, I don't think you posted in the last one. And thanks for the encouragement guys.

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    Here is episode two. It is almost the same as before (big changes will pop up starting next episode or the one after)

    Episode 2: Gullible’s Travels.

    -Route 1. 8:00 A.M.-

    Tom and Lauren were walking along route one. They had left Nuvema town about two minutes ago and were looking forward to their adventures as trainers. “So.” Lauren said to Tom. “This is a short route.” She looked around the route. Tall trees stood lining the route, they had started to change colors and lose leafs but only in small amounts. The path went straight for about forty yards before turning and tracing the trees out of sight.

    “And?” Tom asked, not understanding what Lauren was getting at.

    “So!” She replied. “Let’s stop and look for some pokemon.”

    “Okay.” Tom said. “But how about making this a little more interesting?”

    “How exactly?” Lauren asked.

    “First one to catch a pokemon doesn’t have to pay for lunch or dinner.” Tom said.

    “Always you and your food.” Lauren sighed. “Okay.”

    “Yes!” Tom yelled happily, running off to look for a pokemon.

    -6 Minutes later-

    Tom wandered through the forest on the side of route one looking for any pokemon. He moved a branch that was in his way and saw something that made him bust out laughing. Lauren waws hanging from a tree, a vine tied around her holding her up. Snivy slept on the ground a few feet away and snored loudly.

    “Hey!” Lauren yelled at Tom. “This isn’t funny. Help me down.”

    “Okay.” Tom said. “Go Oshawott!” He released the otter who danced around as she took shape. “Oshawott, please cut down Lauren.”

    “Osha.” Oshawott saluted pulling off her shell blade and cutting the vine.

    “Oomph!” Lauren sputtered as she fell on the ground.

    “And I think this is yours.” Tom joked handing Snivy to Lauren.

    “Thanks.” Lauren mumbled before running off again. “But I will still beat you!” She shouted at Tom.

    Tom walked into the opposite direction when a flash caught his eye. Then another flash to the right. And then another. The flashes circled around him.

    “Lilli! Pup!” Something barked from the bush. Out stepped a small dog. It had orange fur with large ears and a fluffy tail. A black spot of fur hung of off his back that shook as he walked. A mat of cream fur covered his face, hanging off of the edges.

    Tom got out his pokedex and scanned the pokemon. “Lillipup, the puppy pokemon. Male, ability is Vital Spirit. Level 4. Known moves: Leer Tackle. A loyal pokemon, they have been reported to help relieve stress among owners.” The machine droned.

    “Oshawott use Tackle!” Tom commanded. Oshawott ran at Lillipup who dodged and tackled Oshawott. “Try it again.” Tom said. Oshawott tried to tackle Lillipup, who just dodged and Tackled Oshawott back. The cycle repeated multiple times until it got too much and Oshawott fell, defeated. Lillipup ran off into the woods. “Dang it.” Tom mumbled angrily. “Return Oshawott.” He returned the otter and started walking back to the main road.

    -In another part of route 1-

    Lauren was wandering around the woods. “Come on.” She mumbled to herself. “Where are all of the pokemon?”

    “Lilli!” A voice barked behind her. She turned around to see a Lillipup. After scanning it she sent out Snivy.

    “Snyyyyy!” Snivy yawned as he stood up.

    “Snivy use Tackle!” Lauren shouted. Snivy lazily walked up to Lillipup and slowly tackled it, falling to the ground. Lillipup simply dodged and kicked sand onto Snivy. “Come on Snivy!” Lauren yelled at the sleeping pokemon. Snivy opened its eyes to see the sand laying on him.

    “Snivyyyyyy!” He yelled,, his eyes widening. He tackled Lillipup to the ground with amazing speed and kept Tackling the dog until he fainted. Happy that his opponent was down, Snivy wiped the sand off of him and went back to sleep.

    “Snivy doesn’t like dirt apparently.” Lauren said grabbing a pokeball out of her bag. “Go pokeball!” She threw the red and white ball at Lillipup. Lillipup got sucked into the ball which shook one… two… and three times. The locking mechanism clinked, meaning that the pokemon was caught. “Yes! I caught a pokemon.” Lauren yelled happily. “Now then, to call Tom so that we can rendevou.” Lauren said returning Snivy and pulling out her phone as she walked back to the road.

    -Back with Tom-

    Tom was walking down the road when his phone went off. “Yellow.” He greeted answering the phone.

    “Guess what.” Lauren said.

    “I have a feeling I don’t want to know.” Tom said. “But what?”

    “I caught a pokemon.” Lauren said. “So, I guess you get to pay for lunch and dinner.”

    “Not like I wouldn’t already.” Tom joked. “What kind is it and where are you?”

    “A Lillipup, and it took forever to find. I thought that pokemon were supposed to be common around here. And I’m just waiting at the gate to Karakusa Town, so just keep walking.”

    “I did too, I guess the pokemon are hiding or something. And I think I am almost there, so just hold on.” Tom walked around a corner and saw Lauren standing next to a large arch with a sign reading ‘Welcome to Karakusa Town’ on it.

    “So, ready for lunch?“ Lauren said hanging up her phone.

    “It’s only eight twenty.” Tom said walking past Lauren. “Last one into into town is a rotten egg!” He yelled, running through the arch.

    “Hey!” Lauren complained. “That’s not fair.”


    To be continued.

  8. #8
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    Good, but not the best. I guess it's because I read this already XP
    It's basically the same as the one in your other one, so it's like rereading. I hate rereading...
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bugwarrior View Post
    : THAT'S IT! *turns to Milo* I DON'T WANT YOUR BALLS MILO!
    : o.o
    wifiguest3216: battle plz, no nasty plot, or sword dance, or dragon dance, and u HAVE TO LET me set up bellyzard, and no taunt, or heracross, and NO WEAVILE, and no substitute unless I have it. And dont use that many attacks and NO ROAR or WHIRLWIND. AND IF IM GOING TO LOSE, then quit the fight.
    Back early!

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    i like it would love to read more
    I sometimes use "uber" Pokemon,I don't calculate stat values,I don't use cheating devices,I don't breed my way to perfection,and I don't care about natures.I catch my Pokemon the way they are,and treat them like individuals instead of brainless drones.If you use this philosophy,copy & paste this into your signature.

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    Don't worry Ditto. Next episode is getting revamped with a bit more about a certain fan favorite police officer with no mre than a minute of 'screentime'. And thanks shady, but could you please be a bit more constructive and helpful.

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    my bad XD im sorry
    i wouldve at the start but its a long story but
    the first one was awesome and more of the better one
    but they were both good
    i would love to see tepig get some shine though soon
    or something surprisingly happen to one of them on there way to the next city
    I sometimes use "uber" Pokemon,I don't calculate stat values,I don't use cheating devices,I don't breed my way to perfection,and I don't care about natures.I catch my Pokemon the way they are,and treat them like individuals instead of brainless drones.If you use this philosophy,copy & paste this into your signature.

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    Well, Tepig will appear, but he isn't important. And there will be a suprise, not the same one as last time for any of yu who read my first atempt.

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    Hmm... Not your best work, but it was alright...
    I like how you are slowly building up the story, and I am looking forward to the addition of some more characters and pokemon!
    I like where I think this is going, but at the moment it is essentially the same as your first try at this story, looking forward to some new changes!
    Ever wondered what it's like to battle like Ash? No?
    How about Misty, Paul, Brock, Dawn, anybody from the anime?
    Have a go for yourself in the ASB league! Interested? Of course you are! Here's how you get started!
    PASBL Trainer Level 2

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    Yes, it is the same now. Splitting will start next episode. And a preview:

    "Klink." The pokemon's two gears turned quickly, electricity building up. "KLINK!" It rammed at the small bird.

    "Pidove, dodge." The Piddove's commander ordered.

    "Pi." She flew up before Klink could hit her.

    "Not bad." Drew mused. "But not good either."

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    Yes i have appeared kissmygrass really good first 2 chapters i thing....

    I WANT MORE PLEASE I'M BEGGING YOU

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    I really like it, I can't wait for the next chapters!

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    Preview = Interesting without revealing too much!
    You clever author you!
    Must find out more!
    PS. Klink = AWESOME!
    Ever wondered what it's like to battle like Ash? No?
    How about Misty, Paul, Brock, Dawn, anybody from the anime?
    Have a go for yourself in the ASB league! Interested? Of course you are! Here's how you get started!
    PASBL Trainer Level 2

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    Thanks. But I think there is one, maybe two, people who know enough to figure out the scene.

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    Hello again. I do have a bit of a complaint to make to more than one person here.

    Firstly, KIssMYGrass, If you were just going to change a few things then why didn't you just edit the orginal. It's really annoying re-reading what you did the first time, and I would've expected you to try and improve on the things. The preview looks good though. But I really do think you should edit it more.

    And practically all you other guys - You need to read the fan fiction rules on reviewing. Your comments are too small, they should be detailed and at least 5 sentences long. You should say exactly what you liked, what you disliked, and what you think he could improve on. I don't want to be a party pooper, but I'm just trying to stop you guys from being shouted at by a mod. Comments like "You're clever" and "Its good, can't wait for the next chapter" are against the rules I think.

    Anyway, I'm expecting you guys to change. And new edited chapters.
    A group of 10 special trainers have been essembled by Professor Birch in a unexplored land. Their mission - to find some special stones to stop Team Magma and Team Aqua from getting them so that the professors can start their indistrialisation of the place. Follow their adventures in "Regional Conflict - The Five Sacred Stones. Please read, and review :)Here is the link. http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?t=482753 Last chapter - Chapter 10: The Tides of Terror

    Please read my other fic, a Unova journey fic - Unova apprentices. - http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?t=498160

    VM me if you want me to review your fic.

    White is nearly done, and nearly all my generation 4 pokemon are on there.

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    Okay, I'm almost done and will edit it in, but a few things first:
    1.I have to split it up so don't post until you see -to be continued-
    2.There is a reason this is called Chronicles and not Chronicle, read and you'll see why.

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    Smile

    I'm just going to read through and poke out random things that I see and then make it coherent later.

    -Ten Minutes Later-
    I really don't stuff like this because it breaks the fourth wall, shatters the illusion of disbelief (or however it's said), etc

    Personally, I just start a new paragraph, usually separated by a few lines.....



    Ten minutes later, I have something like this worked out, minus ten minutes. :P


    “Right Here.” A feminine voice said from somewhere to the two’s left.
    you mean the pair's left?


    “Well Professor Juniper, we are here to get out starters.” Tom said.
    our



    The woman, revealed to be professor Juniper,
    Professor Juniper

    You capitalize the professor if it's part of their title, ie Reverend Smith, etc


    reached into a pocket on her lab coat and pulled out a poke ball. She tapped it on Minccino, returning the pokemon to its ball. Well then, may I ask what pokemon you want?”
    Aren't most Pokeballs capable of ranged recall? Granted, in the animeverse it has been shown that Pokemon can dodge out of the way of the recall beam, but I would have thought that Juniper would at least have the ball out for recall.

    Also, you need to add the initial quotation mark

    “Okay then.” Professor Juniper said reaching into her other coat pocket, pulling out two poke balls. One with a green mark on it and the other a blue spot. “Here and here.” She handed the ball with the green spot to Lauren and the blue spotted ball to Tom. “Please, let out your pokemon.”

    You need to get your balls straight. first one has a mark, the other has a dot, then the first one has a dot and the second is spotted.

    The pokemon had a pointed face and laid on their stomach, sleeping.
    it would lie on its stomach

    It had a three pointed leaf at the end of its tail and an orange stripe going up from the tip of its tail to the bottom of its neck, splitting and twirling up into two collar like growths.
    Nothing inherently wrong, just awkward.


    -Another 10 minutes later-
    same problem with this as I did the first time--please note that it's not INHERENTLY wrong, I just don't like that particular style of writing.


    “I won’t.” Tom retorted. “But you have can’t either.”
    o.0 wut?


    When Oshawott got up, Snivy was shown to be asleep.
    shown to be asleep? Who is showing Snivy to be asleep. it's awkward, and doesn't really fit, grammar-wise, though I don't know the exact wording as to why it doesn't :P


    Episode 2:



    I like the title, and I don't like the

    -Route 1. 8:00 A.M.-
    but again, that's just a style preference.


    He moved a branch that was in his way and saw something that made him bust out laughing.
    I believe it would be burst


    Lauren waws hanging from a tree, a vine tied around her holding her up.
    it's kind of awkward, and a misspelling.

    Snivy slept on the ground a few feet away and snored loudly.
    snoring, and you're jumping your tenses around in the surrounding sentences.


    “Oomph!” Lauren sputtered as she fell on the ground.
    personally I'd just say that Lauren grunted or something as she hit the ground, but that's more of a stylistic difference. And along that same tack, I prefer a more animeish approach to battles, as opposed to strictly following the games, since in my opinion, the four technique limit is more for game balance, but inhibitory to good writing, and the game-style battling written in a story is boring.

    very boring.

    at least to me.


    Tom was walking down the road when his phone went off. “Yellow.” He greeted answering the phone.
    I believe you're going for Y'ello, which is a contraction of the words "Yes/yeah" and "hello."

    took me a second to get what you were going for.

    large arch with a sign reading ‘Welcome to Karakusa Town’ on it.
    could you please stick with either English or Japanese names, not skipping back and forth between the two?


    Overall, it's pretty good, but it doesn't have that X Factor that would/will keep me reading all the chapters. Some of my beef with it is the style that it's written in (a style that is perfectly valid, granted), and part of it is that there's nothing that really makes it stand out yet.

    I know, I know, it's still early. I may or may not (depending on RL) keep up with this over the next couple chapters, then decide if I'll keep reading after that.

    but in one sentence--

    your writing is good--keep going after it and you'll be kicking *** before you know it!

  22. #22
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    Thanks Ash Jr. That was the best review ever. I cann't post the next chapter yet, so I'll reply to your review.
    Chapter 1:
    1.I quite like the -Ten Minute Later- things because I'm no good with time transitions.
    2.What's wrong with "the two's"?
    3.Spelling mistake.
    4.I forgot, thanks.
    5.Mincino kept dodging the beam, so Juniper had to get her and just used tap return instead of the beam.
    6.I made a boo-boo.
    7.Yeah, I was bad with antecedent-pronoun agreements.
    8.I'm bad with akwarrd sentences, sorry.
    9.See 1, I'm not skipping any but I don't feel like repeating myself.
    10.I blame Tom, he was the one talking.
    11. Again, sorry 'bout akwardnes.

    Chapter 2
    1.See 9 for chap. 1
    2.Bust, burst, what does it matter?
    3.Slept and snoring? I guess it's correct grammatically, but I think it sounds akward.
    4.I'm not sure why I vocalize grunts actually.
    5.There are no four move limits this time, but noone has learned more than four moves yet.
    6.Y'ello? So that's how it's spelled. But Tom said yellow, not y'ello. You need to forget some grammar when talking about dialogue.
    7.I forgot to change Karakusa Town into Acumula Town? I feel like an idiot.

    Thanks, I'll edit that stuff at some point.

  23. #23
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    I think that the reason I did "snoring" was because it was to fit the tense of sentences around it, but it would have been "was snoring" I think.

    like I said, it's good, and you're already better than REALLY bad. if you stick with it, you can only (hopefully :P ) get better.

  24. #24
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    Part 1. Remember, don't post until you see -To Be Continued- because that means that the chapter is over.

    Chapter 3: Green Versus Blue

    As Tom and Lauren entered Accumula Town, they saw a large cloud. The crowd was gathered around a stage with a man standing on it. He was tall and wore a white shirt and brown pants. He had large, green hair that fell to the small of his back and appeared to be wearing a hat, but the crowd was so large that the couple couldn't get closer to see him clearly.

    "Hello ladies and gentlemen." He said loudly and calmly in an oddly feminine voice. "I am N, and I speak for the pokemon for the pokemon have no tongues."

    "'Yes they do," a mman from somewhere in the crowd interrupted.

    "But not human tongues." N replied calmly. "I have seen the tragedies that arise from enslaving the pokemon like humans do. It is wrong and we must release all our pokemon and let them be free. Anyone want to join now and release their pokemon?"

    "Go Haguru!" A man yelled from the front, letting out his pokemon. Only its back could be seen, two grey gears that were intertwined with one on the upper right and one on the lower left.

    "So you want to join our cause?" N asked the man.

    "No," the man said, "I want you to leave. I'm Officer Drew Maple of the IUPD, the International Unova Police Department. I received a complaint from the owner of this stage that someone was using it illegally. I'm here to arrest you."

    "Cool." Tom said. "A member of the IUPD. I'm scanning his pokemon." He took out his pokedex and scanned the gear-like pokemon.

    "Klink," the pokedex droned, showing the pokemon's front. It looked like two gears stuck together, obviously, with one on the uper left and one of the lower right. A green circle sat in the middle of each gear with a small mouth below it and an eye to its upper left. Where each gear's right eye would be was a small x made of two white bandages. "The gear pokemon, genderless. Ability Plus.Level 7. Known moves

  25. #25
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    Vicegrip and Charge."

    "Hmm, Charge but no electric moves." Tom mused. "And why did the officer call the Klink Haguru?"

    "Probablly its nickname." Lauren shrugged. "Let's watch what happens."

    ----

    Officer Drew Maple stood at the front of the crowd as N spoke. Officer Maple was a young officer, only eighteeen with a mere two months job experience. He wasn't even suposed to be doing a job alone, but a crime wave in Opelucid drew most of the officers and Drew's usual partner was sick. He stood at five and a half feet and had a light tan with a few pimples left on his face from adolesence. He wore a basic blue uniform of the IUPD with a matching hat covering his brown buzzcut hsir. His blue eyes were trained on the strange man on stage.

    N stood almost six and a half feet with bushy, green hair reaching down most of his back. He was wearing a white pollo with the bottom few buttons undone, showing his black undershirt. He wore brown pants with a strange green cube attached to one of his beltloops with a chain. N adjusted his grey baseball cap as he spoke, ending with a question.

    "Anyone want to join now and release their pokemon?"

    "Go Haguru." Drew said, letting out his trusty Klink.

    "So you want to join our cause?" N asked him.

    "No," the officer told N. He then introduced himself and told the man his reason for being there.

    "Oh," N sighed. "I'm sorry, but how about a battle? I win you let me stay, you win and I'll leave."

    "It's not exactly regulation, but I could use a battle. Sure."

    "Hmm, who to use." N said, looking around. "Pidove, please help me so the way." He called. A small gray pigeon with a light grey heart shape on its chest and black wings and beak-a gray line going down its wings vertically- flew down.

    "Pi." It chirpped.

    "Pidove," a pokedex read from the crowd. "The small pigeon pokemon, female. Ability: Big Pecks. Level 6. Known moves: Gust and Growl."

    "Idiot!" A woman shouted. "You can't win with a Pidove!"

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