I feel like a reptile. Like I'm just running on autopilot, with pure biological impulses. I feel like there's a world I'm missing, with...beauty and sorrow and emotion. I don't cry when I watch films. I didn't cry when my grandma died. But I want to. I want to find that other world. And...I don't want to strive towards some blind-nirvana-ideal, no, but I wish I could find some way to open up my heart, mind, psyche, ego, whatever, to that..thing. I hate it, when I don't feel anything when my parents hug me. I hate how most of the time I'm happiest when I'm alone. I hate how I just fake-smile, a lot of the time. I'm seeing someone tomorrow, some Councelor. She's not a secular humanist, but I'm ready to find some sort of answer.. I've been looking into things lately, and I read about this thing where you deaden yourself to the outside world, like, as a coping mechanism. I've been stepping back, lately, and, through a little technique called,'cognitive empathy,' have discerned that my life is pretty much a living hell and I have no idea why I don't want to Not Live. So, I'm left with some fancy-word, Depersonalization Nuerosis, that is the closest thing to my experience as a person I've ever seen..and then what? We'll see, I guess..