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  1. #1

    Default Five Days

    I made a new thread because I couldn't change the title of the entire thread without doing so. Sorry if this goes against any rules.

    Introduction

    Hi, I'm GalacticMagmar. I'm new to writing Fan Fiction, so this wouls be considered my first Fan-Fic.
    I was always interested in the Distortion World and it's weirdness, and Giratina is also one of my favorite Legendaries to the day. I decided to incorporate them into a story and so here you go!
    As a young writer, my grammar may not be perfect, so I would appreciate if this is one of the main areas you hit in your reviews.
    Thanks, now on with the story!

    Chapter One

    I was lost. Teleported away by some mysterious force; From the very trainer that had found me and taken me home. My home. I had lost that as well. I was in a world very unlike my own; Dark, scary, weird. Tendrils of strange plant-like structures covered stones and other assorted junk.

    I felt powerless. My body and mind had gone through so much in the past few minutes that I didn’t want to do anything about my situation. In fact, I didn’t even know what I would do about it at all. So I sat my head onto the dirt, and slept.

    -

    As I awoke, I realized it was not just some silly little nightmare. This was very real. I was very much lost from everything I had. I wondered if I would ever see him again… my trainer. He had found me lost in a polluted factory. Heaven knows why he was there, but he found me and took me in. I met his friends, his other Pokemon. They were all so friendly and willing to let me be one of them, that I stayed.

    And now they were gone. Well, I should say, I was gone. I was lost and alone. Or so I thought.

    ~[]~[]~

    Michael Silverti just stared ahead as he watched his beloved Pokemon fall into the swirling portal. He couldn’t see inside to see what had happened, but it certainly couldn’t be good. He was in a state of shock. He didn’t do anything, until he realized, the black hole had closed up, and disappeared. He just lost a Pokemon. A friend.

    He remembered back when he had first found the little guy. He had been exploring the abandoned metal factory just outside of Floaroma Town. Fuego Ironworks or something. It was polluted, trashy, left to die along with anything in it. Then he found him. The little Steel Pokemon was curled up in a pile of trash.
    It looked miserable; it’s legs were dented, dust and dirt covered it’s once-beautiful iron armor. It coughed up a heave of smoke, and Michael knew what he had to do.

    Michael had taken the little guy up out of that dump, and got him fixed up at the nearby Pokemon Center. He really hoped the Pokemon didn’t have anything serious going. He probably sat in the Lobby for at least 4 and a half hours.
    He had finished every magazine in the place and was solving a Sudoku when the nurse finally returned.

    “There’s nothing too serious going on with him. Just a little bit of a cough and fever. The place must’ve been really hot down there, especially for him since he’s a Steel type. A little medicine and experience of fresh air will get him completely healthy.”

    “What about the dents?”

    “The dents he may live with the rest of his life. There’s nothing we can really do to fix that. Sorry.”

    “Well, thank you for helping.”

    “My pleasure.”

    Michael wished this had never happened. That was one of his dear friends. They did everything together. The Pokemon had really become a strong force for his team, and he seemed to be getting along well with everyone else. And he lost him. Why had it happened? How? Who was to blame, if anyone but himself?

    All Michael could do was sit there and cry. He always knew he would lose Pokemon to various illnesses or battles. But he never thought he would lose a Pokemon to a portal to…. Somewhere. Maybe Nowhere. Heck, he probably died for all he knew. One could only hope his friend was holding his own….

    ~[]~[]~

    It was time to get to work, I assumed. If I had to be stuck somewhere, I might as well try to survive instead of sitting to die. I scanned the area around me, looking for any sort of resource that could possibly work for shelter. What was there to use…..

    I found some plants similar to the ones I mentioned earlier, but there were much sturdier and could maybe be used for something. I powered up for the best Iron Head attack to ram the plants off their roots. Luckily it worked on some of them.
    I wasn’t sure what I would do with these yet, so I set them aside for future work. Time to find more stuff.

    The stones! I could grab a few of them to make a fire or maybe some kind of wall. I thought about my attacks I had learned from Michael. Iron Head might work, but I seriously doubted it, Perhaps Rock Smash? I wasn’t too good with the move, as I didn’t use it too often.

    I concentrated on my target; the stones in front of me. I charged towards the rocks, and burst some of them into pieces. I gathered them up, and set them aside. I made noticeable progress, but I still wasn’t sure how I would use the items in a successful fashion. I’m a Pokemon! Things obviously would be different than Human survival skills.

    I took a quick break to think. I looked around the strange world, and realized it hadn’t gotten any darker than when I begun work. This could probably be an advantage or disadvantage. Advantage being I could see perfectly well at all times; Disadvantage being I had no sense of time here.

    That’s when I saw it.

    It flew by so quickly, yet I was able to get so many details from the short time I saw it. It had a grey body, with a long black stripe with little red stripes going across it down the middle of his body. I had a shiny golden face which almost looked like some sort of mask. Spikes of the same color ran along it’s body. It’s most prominent feature, however, was it’s long black, shadowy tentacles along the top of it’s body. They were horrifying and majestic at the same time; they were so amazing.

    It hadn’t seen me, so that was good. A monster like that could do some serious damage. I decided it would be a good idea to hide, considering the fact that that thing was out there. I quickly found a little hideaway in the rocks and hid there.

    This day was getting weirder and weirder, and I didn’t like it. I could only imagine what Michael was feeling.


    ----------

    Remember to Comment and Critique!
    Credits go to Virawl for the Nyan Magby. :3
    [IMG]http://i55.*******.com/2uo41sy.gif[/IMG]
    Clickee. :3


    --------------------------------------


    A young trainer must go on a quest to find his missing Pokemon after it mysteriously goes missing in the strange Distortion World, and he only has five days to do it.

    First and Second Chapters now out.

  2. #2

    Default

    Chapter Two

    I peeked outside after waiting for maybe a good half-hour or so. My mental clock was my only option for thinking with time, so my guess was as good as yours here. I looked around the world, not seeing any sign of that monster. Was that thing a Pokemon? There was no way.

    This wasn’t the real world, so obviously this wasn’t a Pokemon. It just couldn’t be possible for a Pokemon to live in an alternate dimension. I had to make sure that thing never saw me. For if it did, well, let’s just say I probably wouldn’t be telling you this story. There’s no telling what attacks that thing could do.

    I searched the area once more, to make a final judgment. Nothing. Just the strange demented world I was living in. Time to get to work, I supposed. I would need some food pretty quickly. In fact, I was already feeling my stomach start to growl. Oh how I missed those Poffin treats. So tasty. That was another thing that motivated me to get back home. Poffins.

    What kind of food would they have in this place? And where would I even find them? The leaves on those plants didn’t look too promising what with their purple-brown color and all. The best I could think this place would have would be some kind of strange berry or meat. I doubted any Bug Pokemon lived here; I probably would have found some by now.

    -

    I had been searching for quite some time, and had strayed pretty far from the little hideaway I was currently staying in when I finally found an island with a rather large tree. Everything in this world was so weird; this tree here had a gigantic crimson trunk, with more of those Purple-brown colored leaves. On those leaves however, were some very normal Oran and Sitrus berries. Perhaps they had fallen into a Portal that appeared near their trees in the Real world? The seeds then must’ve grown into Oran and Sitrus trees. Why their trees were so huge was beyond me, but that must’ve been another weird thing this world did to things.

    However, the island had a decent distance from my island. Certainly a bit farther than I could jump. If only I was a Pokemon like a Charizard or Noctowl. But no. I was just a little Aron. I guess there was nothing I could do about it, so I needed to find a way across.

    I thought for a few minutes(My time mind you), and came to the decision that if this world did weird stuff to Plants, it must do strange things to rocks and stones. I decided to test it by throwing a small rock over the gap between the islands. Incredibly, my theory was correct. Rocks did do something out of the ordinary when exposed to correct conditions. Rocks floated when over a large drop.

    Time to get to work building a bridge, I supposed.

    ~[]~[]~

    Pokemon Research Lab, Sandgem Town

    “So, you see sir, my Pokemon had fallen into some kind of portal. I couldn’t see inside, so I don’t know if he’s died, or if he’s in some kind of other world,” Michael explained to Sinnoh’s top professor, Professor Rowan.

    “Hrmm…. That sounds very interesting, indeed. It sounds very extraordinary, but it has been spoken in Legend,” Rowan responded.

    “Legend?”

    “Yes, Legend. Legend has it that Giratina, a Pokemon of myth is from another world opposite ours. It is part of a trio of Legendary Pokemon, and is part of some kind of balance also involved in the legend. I don’t know much about these kind of things, so I would suggest visiting Celestic Town.”

    “Why would I need to go all the way to Celestic Town?”

    “I understand that that seems to be quite a distance, but it shouldn’t be too hard of a journey for you, now should it? I mean, you already have 3 badges.”

    “I guess not,” Michael moaned.

    Michael grabbed his things and headed on out. He thought about where Celestic Town was. He had no map on him, which was a bad decision on his part back when he started his journey in Pastoria. He knew the professor was correct when saying it wasn’t that bad to get there, but from Sandgem? Uggh.
    He wished he had a Flying Pokemon on him right then.

    So he began walking. Which gave him more time to think.

    His shoulder felt so weird, but he knew why. That had been the shoulder Aron had always sat on as they were walking. Aron was Michael’s favorite. Never a complainer, at least publicly, friendly, loyal.

    Michael knew he couldn’t keep thinking in the past. He needed to get to Celestic Town quickly. You never know what be happening in that portal world. The faster he can know what’s there, the faster he can save Aron. So he began running.
    Pretty shortly after that, he stopped running and started walking again. He felt so old even though he was just at an age of Thirteen.

    He was just about to reach Jubilife when a small boy jumped out of the bushes. He started screaming at Michael in a language he had never heard before, when out of nowhere, the boy threw out a Pokeball, which released a Wurmple.

    Michael smirked at the thing, and at himself for the fact he believed the boy might have been a threat.

    This is Jubilife! Who’s all that strong here anyway?

    He remembered those thoughts running through his head the first time he visited here. That was a fun day. His mind went back to the fact he had a battle to win, so he threw out a Pokeball at complete random. Everything he had would win.

    It turned out to be his Galvantula, which he acquired from an old friend, Richard, who now lives in the faraway region of Unova. It was sent to him as a gift, at first as a tiny Joltik. The Yellow and Navy colored Bug looked itching for a fight; sparks of electricity were shooting around the Spider.

    Michael turned to sit down, even though he knew the battle wouldn’t last long. He might as well get some rest. When he looked up to begin, the foreign boy and his Wurmple were gone.

    Pussies.

    He returned Galvantula to it’s Pokeball, apologizing to it for not getting to battle. He had promised to let him next time. Michael began moving again, taking in the sights and sounds of the third largest city in the Sinnoh region. He could tell the city had taken it’s toll over the years. Being the oldest of the three, the skyscrapers no longer had that brilliant shine to them; dust, dirt, and other things covered the buildings and the sidewalks were heavily littered. This was certainly not the top town to live in, yet it still had many reliable sources of entertainment.

    The city was also the center for all global trades, as it was home to the Global Trade Station, a large complex of buildings hosting many services involving the giving and taking of Pokemon, as well as the care of lost or abandoned ones.
    This was where Michael had received his Galvantula from Richard. Michael decided he had time to look, so he headed on into the Adoption Building.

    The Building was laid out to have a walkway running slightly above a day care center. The middle of the walkway was a central look-out point, and led on to another area which held the Lost and Abandoned area.

    The Pokemon here tended to be Loners, so the Trade Station respected that by giving them their own area to interact if desired. As Michael walked in, he passed by a boy who had apparently just adopted his first Pokemon. It was a small Taillow, but the boy was obviously very pleased.

    Michael looked inside the pen, noticing an Aron near the corner. It looked to be in good condition, though it seemed to have a fever as it was looking a bit red in places, and was not actively moving around the area.
    The young man couldn’t take it. Michael quickly pushed himself out of the way and jogged out of the Adoption Center. He wished he hadn’t gone in there. He put himself back into the past instead of getting to work and moving to Celestic as quickly as possible.

    -

    It was nightfall by the time Michael returned to the downtown area, and he certainly wasn’t going to journey onward into the night. He was not fond of Ghost type Pokemon, and he was well aware Gastlys liked to patrol outside of big cities at night.
    He quickly found a motel and checked in for the night.

    He was so disappointed with himself. He had wasted time to get moving, and he had only made it to the next major location outside of Sandgem. He would have to make up for it by getting up early and get out of Jubilife as quick as possible. He couldn’t stand this dump of a city.

    Michael flipped the switch, and went off to bed.
    Credits go to Virawl for the Nyan Magby. :3
    [IMG]http://i55.*******.com/2uo41sy.gif[/IMG]
    Clickee. :3


    --------------------------------------


    A young trainer must go on a quest to find his missing Pokemon after it mysteriously goes missing in the strange Distortion World, and he only has five days to do it.

    First and Second Chapters now out.

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Jul 2010
    Posts
    344

    Default

    I was lost. Teleported away by some mysterious force; From the very trainer that had found me and taken me home. My home. I had lost that as well. I was in a world very unlike my own; Dark, scary, weird. Tendrils of strange plant-like structures covered stones and other assorted junk.
    The choppiness of the majority of this paragraph is very, very distracting. I understand what you meant to be doing here, but I'd recommend combining some sentences here and there:

    Example. The first two can be combined, making the third stands it on its own just fine. Such as...

    I was lost; teleported away by some mysterious force. I was lost from the very trainer that had found me and taken me home.
    Try to do stuff like that. Also, while your usage of the semi-colon here is correct, try to cut down on it, and when it is used, make sure the beginning letter of the word following the semi-colon is not capitalized. It's gramatically incorrect, because you're not beginning a new sentence, just linking a fragment to the old one.

    I wondered if I would ever see him again… my trainer.
    Unneccessary to add the “my trainer” part after this. It was already mentioned earlier that s/he was seperated from her/his trainer, so the reader should be able to infer that the “he” is her/his trainer.

    Michael Silverti just stared ahead as he watched his beloved Pokemon fall into the swirling portal.
    Also redundant, but would work better without the “just stared ahead as he” part, instead adding some other physical descriptions afterword to show how shocked, how petrified he is at the sight of a best friend leaving him.

    He remembered back when he had first found the little guy. He had been exploring the abandoned metal factory just outside of Floaroma Town. Fuego Ironworks or something. It was polluted, trashy, left to die along with anything in it. Then he found him. The little Steel Pokemon was curled up in a pile of trash.
    It looked miserable; it’s legs were dented, dust and dirt covered it’s once-beautiful iron armor. It coughed up a heave of smoke, and Michael knew what he had to do.
    Hit enter after “trash”.

    Michael had taken the little guy up out of that dump, and got him fixed up at the nearby Pokemon Center. He really hoped the Pokemon didn’t have anything serious going. He probably sat in the Lobby for at least 4 and a half hours.
    He had finished every magazine in the place and was solving a Sudoku when the nurse finally returned.
    After “hours”...

    at least 4 and a half hours.
    All numbers below a hundred, I believe it is, need to be written out in words. So “four”, not “4”.

    One could only hope his friend was holding his own….
    and

    What was there to use…..
    More than three periods is inexcusable. An ellipses is the longest ever permitted, and ellipses should be used sparsely.


    I found some plants similar to the ones I mentioned earlier, but there were much sturdier and could maybe be used for something. I powered up for the best Iron Head attack to ram the plants off their roots. Luckily it worked on some of them.
    I wasn’t sure what I would do with these yet, so I set them aside for future work. Time to find more stuff.
    Need another line break here.

    Perhaps Rock Smash?
    Because it's not beginning a new sentence and is not a proper noun, “P” in “Perhaps” should be changed to a “p”.

    It flew by so quickly, yet I was able to get so many details from the short time I saw it. It had a grey body, with a long black stripe with little red stripes going across it down the middle of his body. I had a shiny golden face which almost looked like some sort of mask. Spikes of the same color ran along it’s body. It’s most prominent feature, however, was it’s long black, shadowy tentacles along the top of it’s body. They were horrifying and majestic at the same time; they were so amazing.
    A bit unrealistic here. If it flew by quickly, how was this Magne-something (which I'm assuming it is from the hints ) able to get this many details? Also, a “do as I say, not as I do” sort of situation as I've done this myself a few times, try not to info-dump like this. Mix your descriptions in with the action, because info-dumps sort of break the flow of the story.


    Alright, not gonna give much on characters in the first few chapters. I wanna get used to them, see just who they are before I judge. So far, the plot is alright – I get the gist of it, certainly. But I hope things sort of get on a specific track in chapter two, because right now, nobody has any goals, and it's just everyone bein' all emo.

    I'll get to reviewing chapter two later. Also, please let me know in the review you drop by when you wanna do something for the exchange. I got lucky and caught it when I checked the thread, but I might not have noticed it otherwise.


    Though probably obvious with the picture, I was formerly known as IanDonyer. Actually got a username closer to my real name, now.

  4. #4

    Default

    Well, thank you for the review. I will go in and edit the chapters up to fix these issues.

    The action picks up a bit more in Chapter Two and Three.
    Speaking of which, here it is,

    Chapter Three

    You should not be here…

    A voice. That’s all I could hear. I turned frantically, looking about the world for the source. There was nothing here but that creature and I. It couldn’t have come from it, could it? A monster like that certainly couldn’t be able to communicate with me if it’s not a Pokemon.

    The Balance is being broken…

    There it was again. I was beginning to sweat, and it seemed as if the world was caving in on me… and then, black. Nothing but darkness around me. I hadn’t passed out, it was just as dark as… well, I hadn’t ever seen anything darker than this. Suddenly, there was a glow. A red glow, It was dim at first, and it was slowly getting brighter, and brighter, until, I saw it. The creature.

    It’s golden face gleamed against the fire that was coming from it’s mouth. It seemed to be angry, and was preparing some kind of massive attack. The fire was beginning to steam…

    WHY HAVEN’T YOU LEFT!?!

    The light came swirling towards me, in the shape of a gigantic beam of fire and energy. I rushed to get away, and was fortunately able to barely escape by diving out of the way. The beam rushed behind me, and I knew what he was doing. He was aiming towards me!

    The creature came speeding towards my direction, preparing yet another attack. Or at least I thought. This one was much darker, and in the shape of a dark purple ball. Different bits of energy were swirling around it. It got bigger and bigger, until the blow.

    THE BALANCE MUST NOT BE BROKEN!!!

    It came hurdling to me, much faster than the beam of light, and engulfed me into pure darkness. I had felt no pain, which meant he had gotten me. I had passed out, which left him to do whatever he wanted with me.
    I felt a red glow from beyond, but I couldn’t do anything about it.

    You…you’re the one disrupting all this.

    The Balance has been nearly broken because of you.

    You don’t think I had seen you back there earlier?

    You’ve gotten me into a lot of trouble with Arceus and the others.


    He must’ve been thinking, because he didn’t say anything for a while. This gave me time to think of what he just said. It was very confusing.
    Balance? What balance? This place had no balance from the first place if you ask me. And what was all that about Arceus? Isn’t he some kind of Pokemon god? And who are the others? Why would this thing be interacting with Pokemon gods? Certainly this guy wasn’t some kind of Pokemon.

    Not some kind of Pokemon?!? What kind of madness is that?!?

    How could you not know I am Giratina! Legend of Myth and Guardian of the Distortion World!!!


    Interesting.

    You have Five Days. Five days to get the hell out of my domain and return to your own world. Restore the balance. Sound easy enough?

    Five days to get out of here? That might be the toughest thing I ever do, but I knew I couldn’t say I wouldn’t do that to him, so I said, “Yeah. I’ll do it.”

    Your little trainer buddy is finding out about this too. He also has five days to get you. You either need to get out on your own, or have him rescue you. Five Days.

    ~[]~[]~

    Michael had never experienced a stranger nightmare than the one he just had. It was in every way similar to his Aron’s, except that he of course was a human and Giratina had told him that Aron would find out as well.

    He quickly awoke to find it was only 3:30 in the morning, but he got up and began his normal Morning activities. He quickly ate a snack and brushed his teeth. He threw on some regular old clothes; a shirt and jacket, and some jeans. He threw on his old Team Electabuzz baseball cap over his short black hair.

    He grabbed his things and rushed out the door. By the time he left, it was 3:40.

    “Five days,” he told himself.

    Five days to get to that Distortion World. Wherever it is. He figured that if he was going to have to rescue Aron, he would have to get to Celestic in under 2 and a half days. He would have to speak with the elders to find where he could enter the Distortion World, and how.

    As he left the hotel, he began running. Running as fast as a 13 year old boy could with a pack full of items. He did his best to ignore the last night-crawling Gastlys, but it was certainly a challenge.

    He sent out his Galvantula to hopefully scare some of them away.

    The routes weren’t too tough to tackle in the outskirts of big cites, as they weren’t too long. It wasn’t going to be fun once he was in the countryside.

    There was nothing that was going to stop him. When he reached Oreburgh City, it was about 4:20, which was great time for someone running with a backpack on.

    Oreburgh was a mining town that had seen better days, but was certainly holding up a lot better than neighbor Jubilife. The dirt roads strolled through the city, which held locations like the Gym and Fossil Museum. Dust was a common thing to run into in Oreburgh; it had settled on nearly every building and would flutter around in the air when the wind blew.

    Michael decided he could muster a five minute break or so. It was a good strategy he had figured to get up early. He would hopefully be in Celestic in no time.

    -

    The break was over, but a little later than Michael had hoped.

    It turned out he had fallen asleep on the park bench he was resting at. He quickly jerked his head up, and looked at his watch.

    6:30 a.m

    “No….”

    Michael quickly got up, and looked around. Where was his backpack? His navy blue pack had mysteriously gone missing, but Michael knew what must have happened. When he fell asleep, some punks probably took it to mess with him. He would have to find them, and quick. There was no time to waste, even if it was still; early in the morning.

    “When I find these kids, I gonna kick their aSs,” he muttered angrily.

    How would he find his backpack in a city like this? It didn’t matter that Oreburgh was a small city, it was still big enough for someone to have to take hours to find something. And that pack had his Pokemon!

    “Ho-ho, someone’s gonna pay.”

    He figured that the kids would take the Pokemon to either one of three places:

    A dark alley with illegal Pokemon drug dealing.
    Some kind of Museum. They could probably make money off his Pokemon there as well.
    The Oreburgh mine. That place was supposedly dangerous without Pokemon, so he would be in huge trouble if they were there.

    He decided to check the local museum first. It was only one place, so it would be easiest to go there first. He rushed over the Oreburgh Mining Museum. Judging by the name, Michael figured they weren’t here, but he checked anyway.

    The museum was relatively small compared to other museums, but it had a good enough size for someone to hide here. The brick and stone walls were perfectly polished, as well as the podiums and glass cases holding artifacts. Oreburgh obviously took pride in their museum. The faded lights gave off a faint glow to give the room a darker effect, which would make it harder for Michael to find his darkly-colored pack.

    He walked quickly around the museum, scanning the area for any Navy Blue backpacks, but to his dismay, there were none. As he left the museum, he gave it one last look, and then noticed the sign that simply stated,

    Please,
    No Backpacks in the Museum
    Thank you.

    Oreburgh Mining Museum


    Michael groaned and slapped himself for being so stupid. Now he had wasted time that may have ruined his chances of finding them. He began searching the streets… looking and listening for any clue of Pokemon Drug Dealing.

    As he walked, he heard rather loud yelling coming from an alleyway.
    He looked down the trashed alley, and found smoke coming from behind a corner. This was also the source of the argument.

    Michael scooted a little closer, until he was right behind the corner of the building.
    He noticed his backpack, and then he listened.

    “Listen little dude. I’m not giving you any cigarettes unless you give me that there Spider Pokemon. Galvantyah or whatever,” came a voice obviously about 14-15. A druggie, Michael thought.

    “NO! I’m not giving him to you. I will give you this Rapidash instead! Please! Just a few cigarettes!” A boy said. Michael was disgusted by the amount of kids who wanted to try those things these days. This kid sounded like he was only 10 or 11.

    Michael knew what he had to do. One druggie was enough, and he wanted his Pokemon back. He was going to do this for the kid’s sake and his Pokemon.

    He turned the corner.

    “Hey! Whaddya think you’re doing with my Pokemon?”

    “Uh-oh,” the boy muttered, “HERE! Take all the Pokemon!” he tossed all the Pokeballs at the Cigerette kid.

    “Wha-what?” he fumbled with the red and white spheres, then dropped them.

    He then said, “Wait, your Pokemon? These are MINE. That kid gave them to me. He said he caught them fair and square…”

    “Well, he took them from me.”

    “Oh did he now? Well then he found them, and gave them to me..” the kid said,
    “Which means they’re mine now.”

    The kid smiled behind a cloud of smoke that emitted from his mouth.

    “Well, I guess we’ll have to fight for it,” Michael threatened.

    “Okay then.”

    The two young men stood there, staring at each other for quite some time.
    Finally, the druggie gave in and swung. It caught Michael off guard and sent him sprawling to the dirt. There wasn’t much blood, but Michael still felt the throbbing pain in his mouth.

    Michael threw his own punch. This one also went to the mouth, and he was able to get him. As the cigarette boy fell backwards, a large cloud of smoke came flying out of his disgusting mouth. The kid was slow to get up, most likely because of weakness caused from smoking. This gave Michael his chance. He dived onto the cigarette boy and began pounding him repeatedly in the face.

    The kid wasn’t actually that tough; he basically went unconscious after only a few punches. Michael grabbed his Pokemon and pack and headed off, leaving the kid to wake up and continue smoking.

    Today he would take Rapidash. They had some ground to make up.

    ---------

    Remember to Comment and Critique!
    Last edited by GalacticMagmortar; 22nd July 2011 at 5:05 AM.
    Credits go to Virawl for the Nyan Magby. :3
    [IMG]http://i55.*******.com/2uo41sy.gif[/IMG]
    Clickee. :3


    --------------------------------------


    A young trainer must go on a quest to find his missing Pokemon after it mysteriously goes missing in the strange Distortion World, and he only has five days to do it.

    First and Second Chapters now out.

  5. #5

    Default

    Hi I'm from the review exchange, just read all three chapters. I was drawn to it because it's a very interesting concept and it was dramatic from the get go.

    Any criticisms: well most are based on minor grammatical errors which reviewers before me have hinted at, such as random capital letters in the middle of sentences. It's okay when describing a Pokemon type or attack but for example, when describing Galvantula you randomly put Spider in one of the sentences.

    The first paragraph of the first chapter was very well written, I really felt for the Aron and understood his dilemma. But I regret to say the flow suffered a bit after that. Most paragraphs are highly choppy, with short sentences with minimal description. The only way to work on that is to read, read, read...and watch TV/plays/movies to see how dialogue flows. Heck, even record a conversation spontaneously to see how dialogue in particular works.

    Giratina seemed a little inconsistent. One minute he sounded really ominous and foreboding, the next he was saying stuff like 'get the hell out' and 'your trainer buddy' which kinda detracted from his character. Consistency between lines, paragraphs, chapters is key.

    The Pokemon Drug Dealing thing seemed a bit too random and seemed like a last minute addition to me to advance the story. Always think and proof read carefully before settling on posting. If something doesn't do a great job of plot advancement, by all means replace it and come back to it later.


    That's all I got so far, but by all means keep working on this fic, I really wanna see how it turns out! It's got me hooked so far I look forward to your review of my fic - The Journeymen. Head over to the Review Exchange and find my post.

    Thanks,

    - DO -

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