Well, after a long wait I finally get to post Chapter 1, enjoy^^
An Absol watched from the Cliffside above the valley, overlooking the pokemon below.
He sighed solemnly, they’d never understand. They didn’t trust him.
Suddenly a strange feeling overcame him, the Absol became alert.
Something was wrong, something was going to happen… and whatever it was, it wouldn’t be a good thing.
But how could he warn the pokemon below if they did not trust him? He’d have to figure out the strange phenomenon he sensed alone until they did.
The bird stood before a large screen, watching and waiting.
They had been lucky to fall upon the ancient technology of humans, now able to use it to their advantage.
He had sent someone out to the valley they had set as their first target to keep watch on it; making sure no one found out until they struck.
A Skarmory landed in the valley before strutting towards the nearest pokemon.
The pokemon was a horse with a mane and tail of fire, a Ponyta.
The Ponyta looked up at the steel bird approaching her in confusion. Skarmory weren’t local to the area after all.
“Can I help you?” The fire horse asked bluntly.
“May I speak with the leader of this valley? I have a question I intend to ask him.”
The Ponyta tilted her head in confusion but spoke. “Yes. Follow me.” She replied, turning around.
If she hadn’t turned she would have seen the slight smirk the Skarmory hid.
The Skarmory was led to a cave in the Valley’s center, following the fire horse before him inside it.
A large, blue and yellow, lion pokemon with a black mane and red eyes looked up at the duo that had entered the den.
“King Luxray you have a visitor who wish’s to talk to you.” The Ponyta stated with her head slightly dipped in a bow.
“Thank you Ponyta, I shall talk to him alone.”
The Ponyta followed her leader’s orders and left the den.
“Now Skarmory, may I ask why you are here?” Luxray asked the metal bird.
“I don’t know what happened but when I returned to the mountains where I lived… my family and friends were all dead. I think they were killed by a rogue fire pokemon since they had burn marks all over them and their necks pierced by fangs. I couldn’t live there knowing it wasn’t safe so after burying my kin I fled, coming here to hopefully make my home, at least for awhile.”
There was silence as the Skarmory finished his story. That is until it was broken by Luxray.
“You are free to live here in the Valley until you feel the need to leave.” He said bluntly.
“Thank you sir .”The Skarmory replied before leaving the cave and back into the Valley, a evil smirk crossed his beak once he was out of sight.
Absol paced back and forth on the rocks of the mountain region behind the Valley, pondering about what the strange disaster he sensed was.
“A flood? No, there is no water that would flood the Valley. Maybe a storm or rockslide? No, it can’t be those either.”
Absol stopped and looked forwards, three pokemon played in the Valley happily; would something happen to them maybe?
It was then that he spotted the Skarmory taking off as it left the Valley’s leader’s den. Could he have something to do with the disaster he sensed?
The Skarmory landed in a tree deep in the forest that lined the Valley and raised his wing, a small speaker strapped to one of the crimson blades.
“Do they trust you Claw?” Someone with a male voice asked through the speaker.
“Their leader trusts me, now all I need to do is lay low for awhile until it is time to strike.” The Skarmory, now known as Claw, responded.
“Very good, we strike in a week.”
“Yes leader. I’ll be ready.”
A tall, bipedal fox Pokemon turned to the quadruped canine by her side, it's mane ocasionaly gave off electricity.
“Aren’t you done yet?!” She growled in annoyance.
“Patience my friend, master is not ready anyway.”
“Fine, whatever.” The fox muttered before leaving.
“Ah the intelligence humans had, how very useful it is.” The electric canine said to himself, “How very useful indeed.”
Hope you enjoyed, feedback is always welcomed^^
Last edited by Pokemonfan15; 9th October 2011 at 8:40 AM.
A bipedal fox Pokemon turned to a quadruped canine that gave off electricity.
Bipedal, as in it walks solely on two legs, and therefore it's bone structure is modified to support this? Also, as description goes, this doesn't give us any image of this pokemon aside from how it stands, and even with that, you get no idea of it's personality - which is an opportunity you are missing here! Imagine describing a dog, and the different breeds it could be - even with size, you get breeds that contradict each other (some smaller breeds, such as Jack Russels, have more energy, whilst other smaller, stockier breeds such as Bulldogs are the opposite), and how they stand communicates this. To give more depth to your story, by not only adding more description, but giving an image of their personality as well, gives the audience more to go by, and makes it much more enjoyable. Frankly, wouldn't you enjoy reading:
Heavy steps thumped loudly against old matted floors, making their obnoxious way down the traditional hallway of the bathhouse with seeming carelessness until it paused in front of her doorway. Glancing upwards away from her book, annoyed at the distraction from the wonderful tale of the long-suffering love of a Samurai and his desirable Princess bride, the young woman glared narrowly at the short shadow hovering uncertainly behind the screen, lower lip pouting out incredulously at the cheek. This was a holiday, and she had made sure to clarify numerous times how she was not to be disturbed, but clearly, it had not been enough.
A warm flush of anger skidding over her skin as her intruder made no attempt to knock or any move to make his presence known, her grip around the book tightening, before with a small huff of frustration, she threw the damn thing at the door.
Or through it.
Angled just above head height, there was an awkward moment of silence after it in messy clatter of pages and ripped paper, before a light, tentative tenor slipped questioningly through the gap, words raised higher in question.
"The 'Long sword and his Mate?' Really, Kei?"
Two human beings stood on the opposite sides of a door, frustration crowding the features of the former.
With a cry of frustration, a book went flying through the door, just above the others head.
It missed, and the other picked it up, leafing through a few pages before eying the cover.
"The 'Long sword and his mate'? Really, Kei?"
It doesn't give you much about the characters aside from the details of what they are doing. D:
I'm going to finish reviewing this in a little while, but I couldn't resist. (I'm a grammar nazi to my friends~)
Hmm... First of all, I'd warn against putting a character list at the start of the fic. It's best to describe the characters as you're writing them and a list describing them might make the characters seem undeveloped and might seem unprofessional.
I do like how you have a plot in play from the first chapter though. As for the characters, they could stand to be established and fleshed out a bit more.
I'm also a little bit confused. Is the Pikachu's name Bolt or Sparky?
Anyway, with a bit of fine tuning, this fic could have potential. (Also, I'd try to fix the typo in the fic name, if I were you.) Best of luck. And I'll check out the next chapter when I can.
I like this fic, easy to read and follow along, the right amount of emotions needed, suspense and comedy in good amounts too, I really like this and I wish you the best of luck on completion of this story, as a beginning writer I would also like to ask your opinion on my fiction Rise of the Dragon.
Ugh, sorry for extreme lack of chapters, school has me very busy.
@Ejunknown: Well the characters are supposed to be a mystery so I kinda didn't want to reveal much. I'll look into that though.
@MewTwoEx and Swamptorizard: I'm glad that you like the fic, to be honest, I didn't think it'd go over well at all. And Swamptorizard, I'll take a look at that story of yours
@Griff4815 His name is Bolt, I'll go fix that typo now and thanks for the advice about the character list^^
And after a long wait I present to you... the next chapter.
Bolt looked up at the sky as a shadow flew overhead.
“Hey Eve,” he began, “I thought Skarmory weren’t native to this area.”
“They aren’t.” The young Eevee replied.
“Then what was that one doing here?”
“Probably just flying overhead”
“Why are you giving me blunt answers?”
“Because you asked a blunt question”
There was silence.
Riley looked up at the sky, it had turned from blue to a mix of pastel colors; it was sunset.
“We should get back, it’s getting late and I don’t want to make my parents, let alone Elder Luxray worried or mad.” The Riolu stated as he got to his feet.
Without hesitation his companions followed him, heading home to avoid the dangers of the dark.
Absol watched the sunset as he pondered what to do.
“Should I stay and find out more about this danger I sense or warn the pokemon in the Valley about it?” He asked himself as the sky slowly turned from colorful to a dark blue.
He scratched the later option, they were untrusting of him and all Absol due to their ability to sense disasters.
That Skarmory he’d seen seemed strange, the species wasn’t local to the area, many miles from it.
Absol dismissed the thought and closed his eyes, falling asleep.
Morning had come before Eve opened her eyes, only to close them again from the blinding light coming through the cave entrance.
She blinked a few times, letting her eyes adjust to the light before getting to her feet.
Quietly the Eevee walked out of the cave, not wanting to wake her parents.
As she left Eve crashed into someone. “Sorry, should pay more attention.”
“It’s alright little Eevee.” The one on the opposite side of the crash replied.
Looking up Eve stepped back, the Skarmory that they had seen just the day before towered over her, his size intimidating.
“H-Hello.” She stammered, scared by the steel bird’s presence.
“No need to be afraid of me Eevee, I mean no harm to you, in fact, I came to ask about this place since I will be staying here for awhile.”
“Oh.” Eve replied, “I’ll tell you some of the things you should know.”
Eve stopped before speaking again.
“This Valley is surrounded by mainly mountains as you can see, so there is no threat. Besides, an Absol lives up there, he never comes down to the Valley though, guess no one trusts him.”
“I see.” Claw said, mentally noting the information given to him.
“The forest is safe but kids like me and my friends are forbidden to go too deep inside, only adults can.”
Once again Eve stopped, now finished. “That’s everything you need to know really. I need to get going though; my friends are waiting for me.”
“Thank you for the information Eevee, it was helpful.”
As Eve ran off Claw finished his sentence, “…very helpful indeed.” He said walking off in a random direction so he wouldn’t attract any unwanted suspicion from the already cautious pokemon in the area.
“Eve what took you so long?” Bolt questioned, “you’re late.”
“Sorry Bolt. I had to explain some things to someone.”
“That Skarmory, he’s kinda scary and intimidating but he seemed nice.”
Riley began to speak “I still don’t trust him, he’s just well…” the Rolu stopped, unable to find the right word.
“Odd? Creepy? Scary? Evil? Dangerous? Weird?” Bolt had begun to list some words for his friend.
“Yeah, he’s kinda creepy, and scary as well.” Riley said, able to finish his sentence this time.
“Why are Riolus and Lucarios so cautious and questioning?” Bolt asked in a mutter.
“Maybe because Riolus can feel emotion through waves and Lucarios can sense auras.” Eve answered, her sharp hearing picking up Bolt’s question.
“I guess you’re right.Anyway, lets forget about that Skarmory and just have fun today.” Bolt stated, changing the subject.
Agreeing, the Pikachu’s companions followed their friend’s lead, unaware of the yellow eyes watching them from the treetops of the forest nearby.
Hope you ennjoyed that chapter dispite the wait^^ Feedback is always welcomed.