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Thread: When worlds collide.

  1. #1

    Default When worlds collide.

    When worlds collide Part 1 "Introduction"
    By Moogleknight24


    ‘Ready Steve?’
    ‘Ready as I’ll ever be Shaun.’
    Steve and Shawn were twins they loved exploring hidden areas in the city.
    They were standing outside of a grating which led into a series of tunnels underneath a factory.
    ‘Come’on let’s go.’

    They pulled off the grating and crawled in.
    Through tunnel to tunnel they crawled on their bellies and finally ended up in an underground cavern.
    ‘This is it Shaun! We found our hideout!’
    They heard a voice mumble something.
    ‘What was that?’
    ‘I don’t know. A ghost?’

    They weren’t afraid of ghosts. They even saw a ghost at one point but no-one believed them.
    ‘ha…’ the voice said.
    ‘Who’s there?’ asked Shaun.
    ‘Haunter…’
    Steve looked smug. ‘Your name is haunter huh? You admit you’re a ghost?’
    A figure came out of the wall. A purplish shadow creature with striking eyes, a long tongue and claw like hands.
    ‘Haunter…’ it whispered.
    The kids screamed and ran back into the tunnel.
    They never looked back and despite it was hard getting in there it only took five minutes to get back outside.

    ‘What was that thing!?’
    ‘I don’t know!! It was… freaky.’ Both their faces were pale but no-one would believe their story.


    A nine year old girl was bored. She was sitting outside watching her mother work on the garden.
    ‘Mom… this is boring…’
    ‘Find something to play, there are lots of kids in this neighbourhood. Find a friend.’
    A little furry yellow creature ran past.
    Lucy Sharon Bell to put her whole name blinked.
    ‘Was that a Pikachu? But they can’t be real it’s just a game…’
    She chased the Pikachu. But it ran into the bushes.
    ‘It’s okay. I won’t hurt you. I just want to play.’

    The little Pikachu came out tilting it’s head to one side. ‘Pika?’
    ‘Yeah, play! I never saw a Pikachu before. Where did you come from?’

    ‘Pikapika!’
    She let the Pikachu follow her into her room without her mother knowing.
    ‘I don’t know why you’re here little guy but we’ll be great friends. I’m not one of those girly girls who dresses pets up like dolls. I want to treat you with respect. I have an old donut want one?’
    She gave the Pikachu a donut. He devoured it immediately.
    She wasn’t popular at school but with a pet Pikachu she would be.
    She told him that the next day, Monday she’d be taking him to school with her to show the other kids.

    The very next day with “Peeky” in her backpack she was being driven to school but her mother almost hit a deer.
    ‘That deer… it looked weird.’ Her mother said in a faraway voice.
    ‘I didn’t see it what did it look like?’
    ‘It looked….. pink and had a… flower on it’s head?’
    Just then a Rhyhorn ran past ramming into a car before crossing the road.

    ‘What the he** is going on!!’ Her mother yelled.
    Lucy told her mother that they were Pokemon; a Deerling and Rhyhorn.
    ‘Pokemon aren’t real honey.’
    Lucy smirked. ‘Then what do you think it was Mom?’
    ‘A promotion. A new game or movie of the silly thing I bet…’
    ‘Mom… would they break someone’s car for a promotion?’
    The man whose car was severly dented on the front got out.
    ‘What unholy terror was that!!’ He asked his face pure white with fear. ‘It’s like a mutant rhino. In the middle of America! I don’t have insurance for this.’
    Several Pidgeots and Braviary were circling overhead.
    ‘That’s it we’re going home.’ Her mother said in pure terror.

    But cars were stuck behind her so she had to keep on moving. If these “Monsters” were around she didn’t want her daughter walking around the schoolyard.
    She took a shortcut home and when they got in immediately turned on the television.
    The news repeating itself every half hour with the following report, ‘Hello, this is Amanda Scott reporting. Urgent news. All over the world creatures are appearing. In public areas, forests, caves, mountains, even people’s basements! We don’t know why they’re here but we are informed that they are characters from the popular videogame franchise Pokemon. We are being invaded though many don’t seem to show harm except for destroying property. There are no reports of any eating humans… yet they eat each-other. Until this is settled we insist you stay in your homes and don’t leave for any reason!!’
    Peeky climbed out of her backpack and went into the kitchen smelling cookies.
    Her mother needing something to drink went in and screamed.
    ‘One of them got in!!!’
    ‘No mom it’s okay! He’s my friend my pet!’
    Her mother wouldn’t accept that. ‘Get him out of here!’
    Lucy put on her backpack and led the Pikachu outside.
    She quickly put him back inside her backpack and went in. ‘He’s gone… gone forever…’ she told her mom.
    She ran up to her room. She finally had to chance to have her own Pikachu. She wasn’t giving this up for anything even if it meant lying to her mother.
    She wasn't allowed her own pet but thought that maybe once her mother finds out that he isn't dangerous but in fact cute and lovable and can save on electricity bills she'd change her mind.

    A Lugia had perched on the top of the empire state building. Making a loud screeching noise before covering itself with it's wings and going to sleep.
    A Ho-ho was perched on the Chrysler building some distance away. Apparently both christening New York as the new Ecruteak city.


    End of part 1
    Last edited by Moogleknight24; 23rd July 2011 at 3:31 PM.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Apr 2010
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    Don't check the closet...
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    I figured I might as well be the first to review. Let's start off with grammar, 'kay?

    ‘Ready Steve?’
    ‘Ready as I’ll ever be Shaun.’
    Prime example. When adressing someone, always put a comma before the noun that's adressing the person. Like this:

    ‘Ready, Steve?’
    Ready as I’ll ever be, Shaun.’
    ‘This is it, Shaun! We found our hideout!’
    ‘Pokemon aren’t real, honey.’
    'Come on, let’s go.’
    You're being a bit inconsistent with the apostrophe. First of all, "come on" does not need an apostrophe in between. Also, you started your sentence with a double quotation mark and ended with a single quotation mark. Since you seem to be using single quotation marks everywhere else, better stick with it. Also, you need a comma there.

    ‘Your name is haunter, huh? You admit you’re a ghost?’
    ‘No, mom, it’s okay! He’s my friend, my pet!’
    ‘That’s it, we’re going home,her mother said in pure terror.
    ‘That’s it, we’re going home,her mother said in pure terror.
    You need comma's here. Also, a slightly trickier problem surfaces in the third and fourth sentences. When you add a sentence like "the girl said" or "the elderly woman shouted" after a statement, you must end the statement with a comma. When you don't add something like "she said", the statement should end with a full stop. This might become a little clearer with some examples:

    "I'm the best student at this school," she proclaimed proudly.
    "What do you think you're doing?" the boy demanded.
    "Stop it!" he shouted.
    "Let's go for a walk."
    Also, never capitalise the noun you've used unless it's a name. So "Andrea said" would still have the capital A. I'm sorry if this isn't too clear, but I'm not too good at explaining this rule. If you still have trouble comprehending it, I'm sure the advice threads mention it somewhere.

    Steve and Shawn were twins they loved exploring hidden areas in the city.
    This sentence isn't properly split. Either fuse the two sentences or keep them apart. Here's both posibilities:

    Steve and Shawn were twins. They loved exploring hidden areas in the city.

    Steve and Shawn were twins and they loved exploring hidden areas in the city.
    The little Pikachu came out tilting its head to one side.
    Since it is Pikachu's head, you should be using a possessive pronoun here. It's and its get confused easily so don't worry about it =) Just remember, it's is a just a shorter version of it is, while its is the possessive pronoun. Remember to proofread so you don't miss these silly mistakes.

    Also, you refer to the Pikachu as an 'it' when it's introduced but change to 'he' later on. You should stick with one pronoun only.


    About description, there's very little of it. We have no idea what Shaun and Steven look like, simply because it's not mentioned anywhere. They could be in their fifties, old and weary or just in their teens, looking to stir up mischief. The point is, you should describe to us what they look like. When you do, try to avoid a block of text listing every characteristic. The same goes for Lucy and her mother. Only the Pokémon get the slightest of description and even that falls a bit short at times. "A little furry yellow creature" is extremely vague. You could mention its tail is shaped like a lightning bolt and its red cheeks, the brown stripes on its back and its pointy ears. Here's an example of what you could have done:

    Lucy Bell's disinterested eyes widened in surprise when a small, yellow creature zipped past her. She had barely enough time to properly register what she had seen. Eyes shapes like pretty marbles, red cheeks and a tail shaped like a lightning bolt. When she realized exactly what she had just seen she dove in the bushes, trying to find the little creature.
    There, that gives at least a slightly clearer image of the Pikachu.

    The absence of description is present not only in your characters but also in your surroundings. When in the sewer, you could've described the awful stench, the sticky water and the claustrophobic feeling of the tunnels they were climbing through. All this would've created a better atmosphere, in which we wonder what exactly they'll find. But frankly, right now, there not much interesting about it.

    Also, something else I didn't get: How did those two pull off a grating? Aren't those supposed to be strong and secure? I'm guessing they're teenagers, so I don't think they'd possess the strength to pull off a grating just like that. And, when they encounter the Haunter, Steve is all smug at first, apparently not scared but all of a sudden, he's running for his life. It confused the hell out of me :/

    The story itself, Pokémon appearing in the real world, has been done before, though again, there's a vast amount of ways you could explain there appearance. There isn't exactly a clear portagonist yet, though I suppose Lucy could be one. However, I don't know what kind of character she is since she's not really the focus of this chapter. We know she's not a girly girl and she's not popular at school (though she wishes to be), but we don't know why. And actually, I think that's all the information we got about her, which is painfully little. Would she be the type of person to set out on a journey through America to find out how the Pokémon came to her world? Again, I don't know her age, but IF she's old enough and rebellious enough, I could see that happening. However, what would be her motivation?

    I'm sorry to say, but I think the characters are bland and your skills could use a lot of polishing. Have you thought of where you want to go with this story? It's very complicated to release Pokémon upon the world, you know? Countries would try to contain them and either kill them, research them or use them for their own gain? People would be forced to stay in their houses, where they wouldn't exactly be safe, knowing what some Pokémon are capable of (Dugtrio, Dragonite, Steelix, ...).

    I encourage you to keep trying, since everyone struggles with their stories at some point.
    Empty, ain't it?

  3. #3

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    If I'm writing an actual novel I put grammar and effort in, but with Fanfiction I know it's not actually going anywhere so I don't bother with grammar all that much. (Probably not a good attitude... sorry) but your contribution helped a lot because that grammar you showed me I actually wasn't too good with.
    Thank you

    (And she's nine which I had stated when I first introduced her)

    This story has been done before? I would like to read one of them if you have a link. I always found this idea fascinating (Which inspired me to write it )
    Last edited by Moogleknight24; 24th July 2011 at 8:57 PM.

  4. #4

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    I will put more effort into my Fanfiction. I didn't think they were as important as regular books but that isn't fair

    I was basically saying "Fanfiction doesn't matter so why bother trying" I was being a jerk and I apologize.

    I doubt I'll write many more on this site but if I do I will actually write the way I "normally" write. With effort.
    The way I should've been writing these in the first place. Just because I can't publish them doesn't make them any less important. I wish I realized that before.

    Fanfiction is no excuse for cutting corners and Half-***ing it. (Excuse my language please)
    Sorry about that.

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