Results 1 to 14 of 14

Thread: Experiences

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Apr 2011
    Location
    dont look behind you
    Posts
    387

    Default Experiences

    Experiences
    this is my first post as fan fic. it isnt the best and i hope you like it.

    PG-12. it isnt to innapropriate, no sexual interaction, there is some violence and a little bit of swearing



    Chapter 1- Spinarak Room

    I open my eyes to a dark room, “Is this a dream” I say with a yawn

    Seeing the objects and items around me makes me wonder “Where am I”

    Not knowing where I am I start to wander around confused and without knowledge of this mysterious place. “Hello” I shout, but no answer follows.

    I keep wandering around until I find a door that says “DO NOT ENTER”. But I enter the door ignoring the frightening sign completely.
    “Hello” I shout. “Hello” but no answer.

    Out of the darkened corner, A baby Weedle Sprints out of the darkness, Being chased by a Spinarak. Quickly I trample the Spinarak until there is nothing but guts on the souls of my feet. “Disgusting” I shout.

    Then a loud noise shuttered through the tiny room. “Who’s there” I shout with curiosity.

    The door from the other side of the room was unlocked and opened. “ Who is there” I ask but there is no reply.

    I Grab a piece of wood in one of the rooms corners and something bites me. “Ouch” I shriek, Trying to figure out what bit me. It was another Spinarak.

    Knowing that Spinaraks are poisonous I drop the wood and head for the Door.

    SLAM. The door slams right in my face. “Help” I shriek but no answer comes from the other side of the door.

    I start to panic, “What can I do” I wonder to myself, Desperate for aid from toxin spreading through my body.

    Then a loud pecking sound comes from the top of the roof. There is a window. I grab the dresser from the closet and push it exactly below the high, above window.
    I grab the stick, and open the window. “Im saved”. But suddenly I pass out from the toxins.

    5 hours later, I wake up in a mysterious room. “Where am I” I yell. Then a faint voice from behind says “your in a secret lab under the room you were attacked in”

    “Who are you” I ask the mysterious figure quietly.
    Then the mysterious figure comes around the chair. It is Dr. Yanmega, a lab experiment gone wrong.

    “How do you talk, you are a Pokemon.”

    “When I was a Yanma, I was fused with a little trainer’s brain.”

    “Poor kid.” I mumble under my breath.

    “Ever since then I have grown more and more Intelligent, But I am only as smart as an 12 year old.”

    “So you are going to take my brain and transfer it to yours.” “exactly my point. Your 16, with that knowledge I will be able to Rule all of the Sinnoh region.”

    “What happens to me after the transfusion with brains?” I ask frantically.

    “You will die with plenty of pain!”

    "I will get out of here!” I shout. Then I remember the Weedle I saved. I reach down into my tight pocket and pull out my shiny, red Pokeball.

    “Go Weedle!” I shout.

    Dr. Yanmega looks over as fast as a blink.

    “Weedle use Poison Sting!” The courageous Weedle jumps up and stings Dr. Yanmega right in his massive eye.

    “I can’t see, you little brat!. I will get you for this”.

    And in seconds the once was mean Dr. Yanmega, lays dead on the floor of the lab.

    Then a shocking image popped into my head. It showed Weedle getting eaten by a Spinarak.

    Then off in the distance you could hear munching and crunching. “NO!” I Scream, While the poor, now dead Weedle gets eaten all because of me.

    Finally after waiting hours and hours, help arrives. “Thank you so much!” I say to them.

    They help me out of the confusing, dark house, and i start to feel drowsy again. "Please take me to a hospital" I ask the men that helped me.

    "Yes sir" and they put me in there long SUV and we start heading down the road.

    Then I Pass out again.

    15 minutes later I wake up and we are pulling up to the hospital, "Please get me in there, Hurry!"

    They rush me into a room, stabalize me, and let me rest.

    While i am sleeping I here noises and They wake me up.

    "Whats that noise?" I ask myself quietly.

    I get out of my bed, and start to walk towards my door,

    I open my door, and there is nothing but silence

    Then i saw a gruesome sight. All of the nurses were on the floor like they were in a dream that they couldn’t be awaken from. I kick one of the doctors and he rolls over and his face is midnight black. “Darkrai.” I whisper to myself.

    I look down the hall and there is Darkrai, the most feared pokemon. He snaps a look at me while putting another nurse to sleep.

    I panic and start to run, “Help” I cry as I run down the halls, being chased by a vicious pokemon. I try to find an exit and there isn’t one.

    Finally I find an elevator and I go down to the main lobby. “Help!” I shout. No answer.

    I see the doors but there are a bunch of nightmare infected people on the floor.

    Trying not to step on the people’s hands and feet, I make it to the exit.
    “Phew” as I wipe sweat off my forehead.

    “Hello!” I call out. “Hello”. And there is a call back. Off in the distance there is a faint cry.

    “Help!” the unknown creature says. As I try to follow its voice my path gets more and more confusing. Trying to listen, I run around trying to follow the voice.

    “Where are you?” I yell. “Here” says the unknown voice.

    I follow the voice and find a little boy trapped between 2 Houndoors. “Hold on buddy.” I say reaching in my pocket for yet another pokeball. “Jigglypuff I choose you!”. And out comes my Jigglypuff.

    “Jigglypuff use sing on the Houndoors.” Out of Nowhere the pokemon fall Asleep.

    “Thank you” says the boy in his high pitched voice.

    “your welcome”

    So I keep on walking leaving the boy behind, and I hear yet another voice, but this one is in my head. I try to listen to it and then my cautioned mind goes blank.

    I ignore it and I keep on going, trying to find something with people that can help me
    Then I stumble across a Poke’Mart. I walk in and there is a clerk.
    “Hi” I say to the man in his work clothes with a veil hiding his face from view.

    “what can I do for you today sir” the man says with a irritating voice

    “ I need help” I say “ we don’t help here” he says , then he takes of the veil and has an evil grin on his face.

    He grabs me by the shirt and whispers softly “Master Darkrai will get you, you can run, but don’t you hide.

    “Get the Hell off of me.” I yell trying to get away , but his grip is like a Sharpedo, He won’t let go.

    Finally his grip loosens to where I can get myself out of his hands.

    “You will die” he shouts as I run towards the exit. I get out and start walking down the empty, lonely street. Suddenly I feel a sharp pain in the back of my neck.

    “Ow” I yell. I turn around and there he was, levitating right in front of me, Darkrai.

    I Start feeling drowsy and I fall to the ground, in a nightmare.

    I wake up in my nightmare, Everyone is being chased by pokemon.

    I start to run and I find an alleyway in between two large buildings. “Hello, Anyone here” I shout and nothing answers.
    Knowing that I am in a nightmare I decide to sleep while I am sleeping.

    I wake up and I am still in the horrible, disgusting nightmare that was cast over me from Darkrai.

    You can hear the people on the streets faint cries for “help”. I get out of the alleyway and start trying to wake myself up.

    I pinched, poked, pulled my short, blonde hair, nothing seems to work. I even got a knife and stabbed my hand. It hurt like I really did it and it was gushing blood.

    “****” I yell. While my hand, pours out blood. I go to the Poke’center to see if there is any help.

    So I walk in with caution, not knowing if there will be anything I don’t want to mess with. Nobody is here. I go to the counter and grab the bottle of pain killers and a wrap to put on my hand.

    “How do I get out of this dream” I say to myself quietly.

    Out of nowhere a lady comes running in saying “my husband is hurt very bad”

    “What happened mam” I ask here with curiosity and worrisome.

    “Just come, Please” She grabs me by the hand and drags me to where her husband lays, dying without any help.

    “What happened to him” I ask. “He was attacked by a houndoom.”

    “That explains the missing fingers.” “what should I do.” I ask here.

    “Help him!” she shrieks. As I wonder to myself, how am I going to help this poor almost dead man, it dawned on me. Put him out of his misery.

    “Put him out of his misery.” I said with a mumble. “I can’t, please would you do it”.

    “Mam, I wouldn’t be able to” I said.

    “Do it now” as she hands me an axe.

    “I can’t do it” I say in my mind. “I can’t” I shout.

    “Fine, you wussy” she says, she takes the axe from my hand and cuts her husband’s head off. Then she turned to me and said “You are next”.

    I start to run, but I don’t go anywhere. I keep running in place. But she is right behind me.

    I feel a sharp pain and then my eyes open. I have woken up from the Darkrai’s nightmare. But I am in my room
    I look at my hand, there is no wound.

    “Phew I am tired, I am going to sleep.”

    Chapter 2 will be coming soon
    Last edited by manaphy72; 6th August 2011 at 6:21 AM.
    CLICK CLICK CLICK CLICK CLICK

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Oct 2010
    Location
    Graivty Falls, Oregon
    Posts
    394

    Default

    On a humorous note, I might add that a sixteen-year old learns almost NOTHING in those years after twelve, besides how much he likes girls and how to drive.

    As the first person besides you to read this Fiction, I must say you break quite a few of the standard rules, like you need to out a space between every paragraph (and different people speaking counts), as I just did between this paragraph and my first. It makes it easier to read, you see. And you seem to neglect your ending marks, the period, (.) question mark (?) and exclamation mark (!).

    Another thing, you seem to jump from place to place as if you were changing tabs, with no real transition between them. Example:

    Finally after waiting hours and hours, help arrives. “Thank you so much” I say to them
    I go to the hospital to be checked up on and get the antioxidant for the toxins, which are now removed from my body.
    Then while I am Eating the disgusting, Cold hospital food, the power goes out.

    And here's some things that just don't make sense:

    “Poor kid” I mumble under my breath. “Ever since then I have grown more and more Intelligent, But I am only as smart as an 12 year old.”
    One, two different people are talking and you need to separate their sentences like I did in my example, and how could a twelve-year old complete a brain transfusion?

    “Help” the unknown creature says. As I try to follow its voice my path gets more and more confusing. Trying to listen, I run around trying to follow the voice.
    “Where are you” I yell. “Here” says the unknown voice.
    I follow the voice and find a little boy trapped between 2 Houndoors. “Hold on buddy” I say reaching in my pocket for yet another pokeball. “Jigglypuff I choose you”. And out comes my Jigglypuff.
    “jigglyuff use sing on the Houndoors.” Out of Nowhere the pokemon fall Asleep.
    “Thank you” says the boy in his high pitched voice.
    “your welcome”
    What point does this serve? He helps the guy and then ditches him.

    And why is Darkrai, one of the most powerful Pokemon, focusing on this guy?

    Anyway, to be frank, this Fiction needs a bit more work. Look at the rules, read some popular Fictions (like those by Breezy or a moderator), then you should possibly rethink where this Fiction is going. Do all that, and there's nothing that'll stop this Fiction from being great!

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Apr 2011
    Location
    dont look behind you
    Posts
    387

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by chanseychansey77 View Post
    On a humorous note, I might add that a sixteen-year old learns almost NOTHING in those years after twelve, besides how much he likes girls and how to drive.

    As the first person besides you to read this Fiction, I must say you break quite a few of the standard rules, like you need to out a space between every paragraph (and different people speaking counts), as I just did between this paragraph and my first. It makes it easier to read, you see. And you seem to neglect your ending marks, the period, (.) question mark (?) and exclamation mark (!).

    Another thing, you seem to jump from place to place as if you were changing tabs, with no real transition between them. Example:


    Then while I am Eating the disgusting, Cold hospital food, the power goes out.

    And here's some things that just don't make sense:



    One, two different people are talking and you need to separate their sentences like I did in my example, and how could a twelve-year old complete a brain transfusion?



    What point does this serve? He helps the guy and then ditches him.

    And why is Darkrai, one of the most powerful Pokemon, focusing on this guy?

    Anyway, to be frank, this Fiction needs a bit more work. Look at the rules, read some popular Fictions (like those by Breezy or a moderator), then you should possibly rethink where this Fiction is going. Do all that, and there's nothing that'll stop this Fiction from being great!

    thannk you so much i am glad for your help and i did use the paragraph spacing. i did it on microsoft and copied it over. well let me fix that and thnks again
    CLICK CLICK CLICK CLICK CLICK

  4. #4
    Join Date
    May 2009
    Location
    Abu Dhabi , UAE
    Posts
    62

    Default

    well this is the first time for me to read an English fan fic =)
    as a story, I really liked it, it makes me curious to know what will happen next..
    for now, I can see that this chapter is about Darkrai's evil series of nightmares, in general the main evil character here is Darkrai, but usually the first chapter shows an introduction to the whole novel or story, or starts the series of actions to be revealed next
    there were some unnecessary events, like rescuing the kid for example... this event haven't added much to the story, you needed help, then you helped someone else... if you wanted to let the reader know about the Darkrai threat, you could've done it with a shorter way without some events, by making a better connection between the events =)
    but in general, this was a very nice beginning for you, I can't give a final judgment right now, but the next chapters should have some connections to this one, like a reappearing of the rescued kid in real life for example... or the pokemart guy, and dr.yanmega
    Last edited by AceTrainerMohamed; 5th August 2011 at 9:11 PM.
    Follow TSS: https://twitter.com/#!/TeamSeaSoul

    My Business Card x3


    Previously 'Chelsea Star' and you may still call me by that name ^_^

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Apr 2011
    Location
    dont look behind you
    Posts
    387

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Chelsea Star View Post
    well this is the first time for me to read an English fan fic =)
    as a story, I really liked it, it makes me curious to know what will happen next..
    for now, I can see that this chapter is about Darkrai's evil series of nightmares, in general the main evil character here is Darkrai, but usually the first chapter shows an introduction to the whole novel or story, or starts the series of actions to be revealed next
    there were some unnecessary events, like rescuing the kid for example... this event haven't added much to the story, you needed help, then you helped someone else... if you wanted to let the reader know about the Darkrai threat, you could've done it with a shorter way without some events, by making a better connection between the events =)
    but in general, this was a very nice beginning for you, I can't give a final judgment right now, but the next chapters should have some connections to this one, like a reappearing of the rescued kid in real life for example... or the pokemart guy, and dr.yanmega

    you know me chelsea star thats what i was gonna do. it took 1 day to write the story. i just love writing and you aer right with the little boy. well i hope you like the 2nd chapter when its written
    CLICK CLICK CLICK CLICK CLICK

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Mar 2011
    Location
    edolas
    Posts
    588

    Default

    okay, first things first: corrections. like ChanseyChansey77 said, you need periods, questions marks, and exclamation points here and there. And sometimes you capitalized a letter that's not supposed to be capitalized, and vice versa. other than that, you spelled Spinarak wrong in the chapter title, and you spelled veil wrong.

    sorry if I sound like a snob xD the mistakes is just something I HAVE to point out when I review a fanfic. And, like Chelsea Star said, your fanfic makes me curious as to what will happen next. The first chapter would be a great starting chapter in your fanfic if the mistakes were fixed and that stuff. I can tell you're a great writer, so keep it up! ^_^

    BTW, sorry if my review sucks. xD I'm not the best reviewer there is.

    Concealment | "Hiding One's Eyes
    Trade Page // DarkFlameShipping // Deeper Deeper
    Claimed Kyogre Since July 20th, 2011

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Apr 2011
    Location
    dont look behind you
    Posts
    387

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by kyogreblue3 View Post
    okay, first things first: corrections. like ChanseyChansey77 said, you need periods, questions marks, and exclamation points here and there. And sometimes you capitalized a letter that's not supposed to be capitalized, and vice versa. other than that, you spelled Spinarak wrong in the chapter title, and you spelled veil wrong.

    sorry if I sound like a snob xD the mistakes is just something I HAVE to point out when I review a fanfic. And, like Chelsea Star said, your fanfic makes me curious as to what will happen next. The first chapter would be a great starting chapter in your fanfic if the mistakes were fixed and that stuff. I can tell you're a great writer, so keep it up! ^_^

    BTW, sorry if my review sucks. xD I'm not the best reviewer there is.

    dont be sorry, you told me what would make it better and i tottaly needed that. if i want to be a better writer i need to make my writing better
    thank you for calling me a great writer and i hope that chapter 2 will have less mistakes and more likings.
    Thank you
    CLICK CLICK CLICK CLICK CLICK

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Oct 2010
    Location
    Graivty Falls, Oregon
    Posts
    394

    Default

    thannk you so much i am glad for your help and i did use the paragraph spacing. i did it on microsoft and copied it over. well let me fix that and thnks again
    I had that problem too! Darn Microsoft Word... Well, I'm glad to see my comments helped!

  9. #9
    Join Date
    May 2009
    Location
    Abu Dhabi , UAE
    Posts
    62

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by manaphy72 View Post
    you know me chelsea star thats what i was gonna do. it took 1 day to write the story. i just love writing and you aer right with the little boy. well i hope you like the 2nd chapter when its written
    can't wait
    Follow TSS: https://twitter.com/#!/TeamSeaSoul

    My Business Card x3


    Previously 'Chelsea Star' and you may still call me by that name ^_^

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Apr 2011
    Location
    dont look behind you
    Posts
    387

    Default

    yes i am so glad for the help. I hope you lke the edited version
    CLICK CLICK CLICK CLICK CLICK

  11. #11
    Join Date
    Aug 2011
    Posts
    11

    Default

    haha wow if i added spacing to my story it would've been this long but ofc it got closed

  12. #12
    Join Date
    Apr 2011
    Location
    dont look behind you
    Posts
    387

    Default

    im sorry to hear that frend
    CLICK CLICK CLICK CLICK CLICK

  13. #13
    Join Date
    Jul 2011
    Location
    Suffering British Weather~
    Posts
    244

    Default

    The first thing to point out, like the others did, are the mistakes, there are quite a few of them. Grammer and punctuation mistakes did crop up a few times, however, the story was very enjoyable and I would love to read the next chapter! The story did jump around a bit, the character was suddenly at a different place without much description. I think that this is the begining of a great adventure, I can't wait to read the rest of the story! Good luck on your next chapter!:3
    Remember, don't worry about the choices that you make now. Because you will 100% regret anything your younger self did/said whatever it was when you grow up some. So go on, aim for your dreams and enjoy the present~

  14. #14
    Join Date
    Apr 2011
    Location
    dont look behind you
    Posts
    387

    Default

    thank you very much. i am working on the next chapter now and its troubling
    CLICK CLICK CLICK CLICK CLICK

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •