View Poll Results: Which Pokémon should Rory befriend in Chapter 2?

Voters
9. You may not vote on this poll
  • Minccino

    0 0%
  • Emolga

    1 11.11%
  • Zorua

    5 55.56%
  • Solosis

    0 0%
  • Scraggy

    2 22.22%
  • Drilbur

    1 11.11%
Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 25 of 27

Thread: Victini's Rampage

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Jul 2011
    Location
    In my Imagination!
    Posts
    152

    Default Victini's Rampage

    Rated G

    Also if you want to find out when the next chapter is out just ask and I'll put you on the PM list and I'll PM you when the next chapter is out.
    PM List:
    kyogreblue3
    Luann
    arceusvictini
    Drayden
    destroyer39

    EDIT: Chapter 3 and so on will be added as posts and I will post the newest chapter here, just so you know the current chapter.

    Current Chapter: 4

    This is the first chapter of my first Fan Fiction story! It's about twin brothers named Logan, the clumsy one, and Rory, the smart one, who find a strange Pokémon raiding their fridge. The Pokémon starts chasing the twins after Logan tries to catch it. To find out the rest, read this chapter!


    Chapter 1: The Beginning Flare


    "Hey, Rory", said Logan.

    "What?", responded Rory.

    "I heard something downstairs!"

    Rory sighed and said, "Okay, let's go..."

    So Logan and Rory quietly tip-toed downstairs into the kitchen to see what was going on.

    "Rory", Logan called, "look over there in the fridge, something is eating the food!"

    Rory looked and said, "It's a Pokémon, but I've never seen it before!"

    "Cool, I'm going to check it on my Pokédex and catch it", replied Logan.

    The Pokédex said, "Victini, the Victory Pokémon. Victini is said to spread victory to it's trainer, which will allow itself to win any battle, no matter what Pokémon type."

    "Wow, that's amazing," Logan shouted a little too loud, "I have to catch it!"

    Victini had heard Logan's loud talking. It turned around to see what was happening behind it, and it saw Logan and Rory talking. It had two big blue eyes, two orange ears shaped like a V and a pair of wings on it's rear. But it's sweet eyes turned a deep, glowing red. Then, it's ears started to blaze with fire!

    "AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH", screamed Logan and Rory simultaneously.

    The twins ran screaming out of their home. Victini was chasing them leaving a path of burning destruction behind it! Logan and Rory didn't know where they were running, but that they knew they had to get away from the rampaging Victini.

    "LOGAN, SEND OUT SAMUROTT SINCE IT"S A WATER TYPE IT CAN PROBABLY STOP VICTINI!"

    "OKAY OKAY, SAMUROTT HELP US OUT!"

    Samurott came out and Logan ordered it to use Hydro Pump on the Victini. Samurott did as told but when Hydro Pump hit Victini, it blasted it into Acacia city. Acacia city was the biggest city in the Rennoh Region.

    "Logan, that Pokémon could destroy the city and eventually the entire region if it keeps acting like that!"

    "I know... let's go get Lyla!", Logan told Rory.

    Logan and Rory ran to Lyla's house to tell her the crazy thing that had just happened. Rory kept muttering something about Victini under his breath. Logan assumed Rory was just telling himself how horrible the situation was, but Rory was saying something else, but what?Eventually they got to their destination and told Lyla the whole thing about Victini.

    "LOGAN, HOW COULD YOU DO SOMETHING SO STUPID?!", screamed Lyla.

    "What, was I supposed to do, let Victini kill me?!"

    "Okay okay, first things first. We have to find out what's making Victini go on a rampage like this, and fast!", Lyla suggested.

    Lyla was always getting sucked into Logan and Rory's problems, but this was different. How were they going to stop a rampaging legendary Pokémon like Victini? Lyla couldn't think about that though, she had to keep positive.

    "Well, let's go get us a Victini", said Rory.

    Logan thought for a second and said," Okay guys, looks like we have a Pokémon Quest!"

    End of Chapter 1



    So please rate my first Fan Fiction Story/Chapter! Also, please don't be too rough on this, since it's only my first, but give some constructive criticism.
    I'm also probably going to make these longer in the future.

    Please Don't Close This, It is My First Fan-Fic And I Can Make The Rest of The Chapters Longer!!! So Please Don't Close This!!!!

    EDIT: I know that it is short, it's my first one and I was stuck for ideas, and I will try to stretch my sentences
    P.S. Thanx Absol and millarc!

    EDIT 2: I have re-vamped the story a little bit.

    --

    Chapter 2: Rory's New Friend

    "Are we there yet?", complained Logan.

    "Stop complaining", said Lyla.

    "It's just sooooooo far away", exaggerated Logan.

    "Logan, we'll be at Juniper's lab soon", said Lyla with a sigh.

    Rory was strangely silent the whole trip. This was very unusual for Rory, he was usually a talkative boy. Logan wondered what was going on in his brainy head. Logan was worried. Logan is usually never worried, in fact he wasn't even worried about Victini too much. But when it came to his twin brother, Logan wants Rory to be in the best mood possible. Logan and Rory have only had one fight before. Rory had just picked all of the Oran berries off of the bush outside their house. Logan had accidentally tripped, since he was accident prone, into the berries. Rory yelled at Logan, because he was going to make the Oran Berries into a pie. Logan yelled back. The fight lasted about half-an-hour. Ever since then, Logan has always been nice to Rory, because the memory had scarred him.

    Logan asked Rory what was wrong. He didn't answer. Logan kept asking, and asking. Rory tried to ignore him, but that's pretty much impossible when it comes to Logan. Rory eventually told Logan that if he gave Rory 5 minutes of quiet, he would tell him. So Logan was quiet for 5 minutes, it was really hard, but he did it. Then he told Rory that it had been 5 minutes. So Rory told him.

    "It's just that....", his words trailed off.

    "That what?"

    "Well, you have Samurott, and Lyla has Whimsicott."

    "What about our Pokémon?"

    "I want to have a Pokémon like you guys, I just feel so lonely."

    Logan thought for a second and replied, "Then let's go get you a Pokémon!"

    Lyla turned around and yelled," NO! We need to focus!"

    Now, Lyla was often very sweet. But when she had a goal, she stuck to it. No matter what. She wasn't going to let Rory's little problem distract them from the primary objective. Lyla did not want to have another mission to go on. Lyla usually gives in to Rory and Logan, because they just constantly ask and complain. Logan way more than Rory.

    "Come on", insisted Logan, "we have Pokémon. It's only fair good ol' Rory here gets one too!"

    Lyla finally said "Fine, but I'm not helping!"

    Lyla sat on a tree stump. She grabbed a Pecha Berry from a nearby bush, and started eating it. Eventually, she fell alseep. During her slumber, Lyla had a very disturbing and frightening dream. It was about Victini. It was burning and destroying everything in sight. The whole region was on fire. Lyla was watching Victini flying around, leaving a trail of burning fire behind it. Even though it was a dream, it was like Lyla could feel the boiling heat, and sense the anger, rage, and frustration in Victini's energy. She finally awoke when she heard Rory yell, "That one!"

    Rory was pointing at a Minccino frolicking around. He was jumping from tree, to ground, back to tree and so on. Rory saw how much joy Minccino had and though he would be perfect.

    "How do I catch it? I don't have any Pokémon to battle him with."

    Logan said, "You can use my Samur-"

    "No, I have to catch him myself."

    Rory had a plan as usual. He was after all the smartest one. Rory put a bunch of berries under a nice, cool, shaded tree. That way, Minccino wouldn't get hot. Then he left a trail leading to himself. That way, Minccino would realize Rory was a nice guy and friend. Thus, him capturing Minccino, leading to a wonderful friendship. It was just so perfect. Or at least that's what Rory thought.

    Minccino, saw the berries. He pranced over to them and started eating. He then skipped along the berry trail stuffing them all in his mouth. 'So far so good', thought Rory. Minccino got to Rory and looked up at him with his big sparkling eyes. Minccino paused, then quickly ran away. But tragedy struck when Minccino tripped over a tree root that was popping out of the ground. Minccino went flying through a tree and slammed against the ground.

    Some Swoobat angrily flew out of the tree. They saw that Minccino had disrupted them and their eggs. So what did they do? Attack! Minccino tried to get up and run, but the Swoobat were all around him. There was no escape. Rory was watching this all happen so quickly, he was paralyzed with fear, he couldn't move. But Rory knew that he had to save Minccino. So, he ran over to the Swoobat to save Miccino as fast as he could!

    Rory was trying to swat them away, but the Swoobat started biting him. What made it even worse was when the Swoobat started to use Air Cutter. Minccino was staring at Rory again. He couldn't believe that a human was trying to protect him, even though he was getting hurt in the process. Minccino wanted to attack the Swoobat, but he was just too weak. Minccino felt horrible that he couldn't help. Rory was getting many scratches and wounds, but eventually, he swatted away all of the Swoobat.

    Logan and Lyla rushed over to Rory to see how he was doing. Logan thought to himself, 'How could I have just stood there!?'

    They both kept asking Rory if he was alright. He never answered he just kept holding Minccino in his arms with an expressionless face. His eyes got really heavy as he stared up at the clouds. Logan kept yelling, "RORY, STAY WITH US! COME ON, KEEP YOUR EYES OPEN!!!" Rory couldn't do it! He closed his eyes, fell back, and fainted.

    Rory kept seeing a disturbing image in his head. It kept replaying like it had been set on a loop. The image was him and Minccino getting bitten and cut by the Swoobat. He wanted it to stop, he wanted to think happy thoughts, but he just couldn't control his mind. The only thing he could think of was the horrible scene. He also couldn't stop asking himself if he was dead. He tried to promise himself he was alive, but he wasn't sure if that a promise he could keep. All he could do was pray he would wake up soon.

    Rory did wake up eventually. He was in a hospital bed with a cast on his left arm, and gauze around his right arm, his left leg, and wrapped around his whole head, but above his face. Rory felt horrible and felt pain all over his body. Then he remembered Minccino. He had to find Minccino.

    Lyla said to Rory,"Hello, sleepy head!"

    "Ugh...where's Minccino?"

    Logan said, "Hold on a seco-"

    "Where. is. Minccino?!" Rory said this with a very serious and angry tone which is also unlike him.

    Logan told him,"He's in the room next to us."

    Rory got out of bed to go see Minccino. His friends told him to get back into bed. He just pushed them aside and kept going. He was going to go see Minccino and that was that. That had to be the first thing he was going to do. He entered the room with Minccino in it. He walked over to Minccino, and hugged him. Both of their eyes started to water.

    Rory started to cry first. Minccino couldn't help but to cry as well. Both cried tears of pain, suffering, and just being scared. Although they did cry tears of joy for their brand new friendship, which they both knew would last for the rest of their lives.

    End of Chapter 2
    Last edited by Turtlestarf; 18th August 2011 at 9:27 PM.

    The spoiler contains a very long signature!
        Spoiler:- Saves from Long Signature:

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Jun 2011
    Location
    Equestria, u jelly?
    Posts
    434

    Default

    First off, it's wayyyyyy to short. It needs to be atleast 2 pages in MS Word or you can go here to find out how big it is. Also, you should go into more detail. Everything seems kind of rushed. It was alright for your first Fic
    \

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Jun 2009
    Location
    scotland
    Posts
    46

    Default

    Yes as you said, you could have made it a little longer, and it's always good to put phrases into paragraphs. But other than that it's a great start to the story. Also try and stretch the scentences out instead of saying:
    Logan and Rory went to Lyla's house.
    You could easily stretch that out by saying:

    Logan and Rory trodded to lyla's house to tell her of the news that happened in their kitchen.

    Sorry if it's a bit pushy but im just giving advice. Check out mine and pick out some words and phrases you like to stretch out your scentences. Click the banner in my sig to see it.

    Anyway i love the first part; Can't wait to see the rest!

    If anyone wants a banner like this, feel free to ask me.

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Jul 2011
    Location
    In my Imagination!
    Posts
    152

    Default

    Thanx a lot for your advice you two, and don't be sorry, I thought it was wayyyy too short as well!

    The spoiler contains a very long signature!
        Spoiler:- Saves from Long Signature:

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Jun 2009
    Location
    scotland
    Posts
    46

    Default

    Wow, the the updated story is much better as you have given the story a more continuable phrase at the end of chapter 1 and you have made the scentences more interesting. Im really looking forward to chapter 2!

    If anyone wants a banner like this, feel free to ask me.

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Jul 2011
    Location
    In my Imagination!
    Posts
    152

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by millarc3005 View Post
    Wow, the the updated story is much better as you have given the story a more continuable phrase at the end of chapter 1 and you have made the scentences more interesting. Im really looking forward to chapter 2!
    Thanx, I don't know when I'll get to Chapter 2 but I'll get to it soon!

    The spoiler contains a very long signature!
        Spoiler:- Saves from Long Signature:

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Mar 2011
    Location
    edolas
    Posts
    588

    Default

    Hmmmm . . . no offense, but the first chapter isn't all that interesting. There's a Victini eating their food, Victini goes on a rampage, etc. I hope the next chapters you put up are better than the first. So, I will be checking back. But I guess the ending sentence was good.

    BTW, were you thinking of Lyra when you made the Lyla character?!? And Rory . . . have you possibly gotten the name from the new vampire show on Disney Channel? If you haven't, forget that i said that.
    Last edited by kyogreblue3; 28th July 2011 at 2:55 AM.

    Concealment | "Hiding One's Eyes
    Trade Page // DarkFlameShipping // Deeper Deeper
    Claimed Kyogre Since July 20th, 2011

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Jul 2011
    Location
    In my Imagination!
    Posts
    152

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by kyogreblue3 View Post
    Hmmmm . . . no offense, but the first chapter isn't all that interesting. There's a Victini eating their food, Victini goes on a rampage, etc. I hope the next chapters you put up are better than the first. So, I will be checking back. But I guess the ending sentence was good.

    BTW, were you thinking of Lyra when you made the Lyla character?!? And Rory . . . have you possibly gotten the name from the stupid new vampire show on Disney Channel? If you haven't, forgot that i said that.
    With Rory, yes I thought it would be a cool name! With Lyla, actually no, I completely forgot about Lyra when making this, I wanter her name to sound like the flower lilac.

    P.S. I like that Vampire show, but the movie was stupid, in fact all Vampire movies are dumb, but I like the show.
    Last edited by Turtlestarf; 28th July 2011 at 5:10 PM.

    The spoiler contains a very long signature!
        Spoiler:- Saves from Long Signature:

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Jul 2011
    Location
    In my Imagination!
    Posts
    152

    Default

    So, Chapter 3 takes place about a week after Rory got into the hospital, so he's all better now. I put this because I don't want a million comments saying, "How did Rory heal in a day?". Oh, and Rory put Minccino in a Pokéball, but he's going to stay out of it a lot.

    So, to sum up the last chapter, Rory saved Minccino from a bunch of Swoobat but he got hurt. So, he went to the hospital with Minccino, and now they are friends.

    Also, we welcome a new character to the group...

    Chapter 3: A New Companion

    "Haha, Minccino's so cute Rory", said Lyla cheerfully.

    Minccino was jumping around singing as the group walked to Professor Juniper's Lab. It had only been a day since Rory got out of the hospital so he was still a little groggy. But he tried not to let it bother him. He had to continue on the journey. To do that he just kept looking at Minccino to cheer himself up. He felt lucky to have found a friend as nice as Minccino. Minccino felt the same about Rory.

    "Yeah, he's......", Rory started to fall asleep.

    Logan looked at him and said, "Are you sure you don't want to take a break?"

    "Mm-hm, I'm good, really."

    "Well, okay, but if you fall asleep one more time we're taking a break."

    "I agree with Logan", Lyla broke in.

    "Okay..."

    It wasn't too long before he fell asleep once more. Logan said that they were going to take a break for a while so Rory could refresh himself. He fell asleep with Minccino in his lap. Now all that was going on in his mind was joy and happiness. He felt so lucky to have survived after the Swoobat attack, although he still felt some pain, and he had still had the guaze on his body. Nuse Joy told him to wait a week before he could take it off.

    Lyla woke up first.

    "Hey, Logan. Logan wake up."

    "Huh, what up?"

    "Look, a storm's coming!"

    "Oh snap! We better wake up Rory."

    "Yeah, I'll do it."

    "Wait, why do you want to wake him up?"

    "Well, I'm more gentle than you."

    "HEY!"

    "Ssshhh!"

    She walked over to Rory to wake him up and warn him about the storm. He was asleep under a tree. She gently shook him to wake him up. He woke up after a minute or so. He's usually a light sleeper but he was really tired that day. When he was finally awake he asked Lyla what was wrong. She told him about the storm coming. He looked up and saw the clouds. Then he got up and they all started to find shelter.

    After a while of walking and running away from the storm, they passed by a house. They didn't notice it though, it was very small, like a cabin. Inside the house was a girl about their age. She looked outside the window and saw them walking through the pouring rain. She especially noticed

    "WAIT!", screamed the girl, "Come over here, I'll let you inside!"

    "Oh cool! Come on you two lets go!", said Logan as he ran over to the house.

    Lyla and Rory exchanged looks and walked over to the house. The girl offered them some food and drinks.

    "So, what's your name", she asked the girl.

    "Oh, sorry. My name is Melony."

    The group introduced themselves as well. Melony looked at Rory with a lovey-dovey expression. Logan and Lyla both noticed it and they told here what had happened to him. They also told her about their encounter with Victini. Melony seemed more interested in what had happened to Rory as she fed him his food. Rory felt a little weird but he found it hard to talk to much. So, he just let her feed him.

    "So, Rory. How are you feeling?"

    " I... I'm a little drowz.......", He didn't finish before he fell asleep.

    Melony woke him up and asked him if he wanted to sleep in the bed. Rory felt awkward but he said yes. They let Rory sleep, while Melony kept asking questions about him. They both knew that Melony had a crush on Rory. He wanted to be nice, so Logan asked her if she wanted to help them on their quest. Melony happily accepted. The storm ended after a few hours and Rory slept like a baby the whole time. They woke him up and told him the news about their new traveling companion.

    "Oh, cool!"
    *****************
    (Later during the quest)

    "So, does Rory have a girlfriend?"

    Logan and Lyla looked at each other.

    "No", she responded.

    "Okay!" She spoke with a very cheerful expression.

    Rory couldn't hear what they were saying. He was just looking at all of the water Pokémon out. All of the Palpitoad and Ducklett. He was thinking about catching one, but he wasn't sure. They were really close to the lab. So, maybe when his friends talk to the Professor about Victini's behavior, he could sneak away and get a Palpitoad. He'd always wanted a Palpitoad.

    "Listen, Rory is sort of shy, I don't think he really wants a girlfriend", Logan told her.

    "Oh, well when he does I'll be here!"

    "Yeeeah, okay. Good luck." Logan had a hint of sarcasm.

    Lyla punched his arm.

    "What?!"

    Rory caught up with them and said, "Hey, looks like night is falling, we should set up camp."

    "Yeah, I'll always agree with you Rory!"

    "Uh, thanks Melony."

    Everybody helped set up camp. Logan and Lyla set up the sleeping bags. Melony made dinner. Although, they told Rory that he needed to sleep. So, after they ate dinner everybody went to sleep. He waited for everybody to sleep. He had a new plan, when everybody was asleep he would go find a Palpitoad and catch it. He waited, and waited, and waited. Eventually they were all asleep and he set off with Minccino...

    End of Chapter 3
    Last edited by Turtlestarf; 30th July 2011 at 12:54 AM.

    The spoiler contains a very long signature!
        Spoiler:- Saves from Long Signature:

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Mar 2011
    Location
    edolas
    Posts
    588

    Default

    Okay, time for another super review. This one is for Chapter 2 and 3, because I haven't reviewed them yet. My corrections are in bold.

    CHAPTER TWO
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    This was very unusual for Rory, he was usually a talkative boy.

    I think the sentence should've been this:
    This was very unusual for Rory, because he was a very talkative boy.


    He was after all the smartest one.

    I think the sentence should've been this:
    He was the smartest one, after all.


    Then he left a trail leading to himself.

    I think the sentence should've been this:
    Then he left a trail leading to him.


    He felt lucky to have found a friend as nice as Minccino. Minccino felt the same about Rory.

    I think the sentence should've been this:
    He felt lucky to have found a friend as nice as Minccino, and Minccino felt the same about Rory.


    CHAPTER THREE
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~
    It wasn't too long before he fell asleep one more.

    'One' should've been 'once'.

    Logan said that they were going to take a brake for a while so Rory could refresh himself.

    'Brake' should've been 'break'.

    He felt so lucky to have survived after the Swoobat attack. Although he still felt some pain, and he had still had the guaze on his body.

    Get rid of the period after 'attack' and replace with a comma.

    Overall, this story is going pretty well. Keep it up! ^_^

    Concealment | "Hiding One's Eyes
    Trade Page // DarkFlameShipping // Deeper Deeper
    Claimed Kyogre Since July 20th, 2011

  11. #11
    Join Date
    Jul 2011
    Location
    In my Imagination!
    Posts
    152

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by kyogreblue3 View Post
    Okay, time for another super review. This one is for Chapter 2 and 3, because I haven't reviewed them yet. My corrections are in bold.

    CHAPTER TWO
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    This was very unusual for Rory, he was usually a talkative boy.

    I think the sentence should've been this:
    This was very unusual for Rory, because he was a very talkative boy.


    He was after all the smartest one.

    I think the sentence should've been this:
    He was the smartest one, after all.


    Then he left a trail leading to himself.

    I think the sentence should've been this:
    Then he left a trail leading to him.


    He felt lucky to have found a friend as nice as Minccino. Minccino felt the same about Rory.

    I think the sentence should've been this:
    He felt lucky to have found a friend as nice as Minccino, and Minccino felt the same about Rory.


    CHAPTER THREE
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~
    It wasn't too long before he fell asleep one more.

    'One' should've been 'once'.

    Logan said that they were going to take a brake for a while so Rory could refresh himself.

    'Brake' should've been 'break'.

    He felt so lucky to have survived after the Swoobat attack. Although he still felt some pain, and he had still had the guaze on his body.

    Get rid of the period after 'attack' and replace with a comma.

    Overall, this story is going pretty well. Keep it up! ^_^
    I changed some of those, but I'm okay with most of it.

    The spoiler contains a very long signature!
        Spoiler:- Saves from Long Signature:

  12. #12
    Join Date
    Jul 2011
    Location
    In my Imagination!
    Posts
    152

    Default

    What Time is It? New Chapter Time! *cough*Adventure Time reference*cough*

    So, yet another chapter about Rory. Don't worry, he wont have a chapter all about him for a while after this.

    Anyway, everybody is asleep but Rory and Minccino. So they decide to go off and catch a palpitoad, if I spelt that right. Melony wakes up and sees Rory trying to catch a Pokémon and tag battles two wild Pokémon with him.

    So at long last,

    Chapter 4: The Catch of the Night


    "Minccino, we've got to be quiet. We don't want to wake up the rest", Rory said.

    Rory was walking in the night in search of a Palpitoad. He had seen some earlier, during the day. So he wasn't sure if they were still out. There were many Woobat out, but he was only afraid of their evolved form, Swoobat. Minccino was looking around, for he was very scared of the dark. Eventually he crawled up on Rory's shoulder. Not many Pokémon were out. Sometimes a Purrloin would walk past them.

    After a while, the duo saw a small puddle. It was far away, but they thought they saw some Pokémon silhouettes. He ran over, Minccino clinging on his shoulder trying not to fall off. They were very quiet because they found out that the figures were Palpitoad. Rory jumped out at them, one of them ran away. The other one gave him a look that said, "Let's battle!"

    So he sent Minccino to battle him. Minccino knew the moves Tail Slap, Sing, Swift, and Tickle. Palpitoad knew Muddy Water, Aqua Ring, Bubble Beam, and Mud Shot. So the fight began.

    Rory ordered Minccino to use the following moves in this battle.

    Minccino used Tickle to lower his defense and attack.

    Palpitoad used Mud Shot. Minccino kept slipping in all the mud.

    Palpitoad found it as an opportunity to use bubble beam, which gave a direct hit, while cleaning up all of the mud.

    Minccino jumped up and used Swift. Palpitoad tried to get away, but he couldn't.

    He ran behind a tree. Minccino went over to the tree looked directly at him. Then he used Bubble Beam again.

    Minccino went flying in the air, but used Sing. Palpitoad had barely heard the song, but he still fell asleep.

    He tip-toed up to Palpitoad who was sleeping very deeply. He used Tail slap multiple times. Although, it woke up Palpitoad.

    As soon as he woke up, he cried out very loudly. After the cry, Palpitoads friend Purrloin came. She knew the moves Hone Claws, Fake-Out, Pursuit, and Fury Swipes.

    *************
    Back at the camp, Melony heard the commotion from the battle. Especially Palpitoad's cry. She followed the sound through the route. When she saw Rory, she was worried that he was against two Pokémon at once. Of course she had to help him!

    "Rory, I'm here to help! Come out and help Audino!"

    Audino came out of one of her 3 Pokéballs. Audino knew Heal Pulse, Take Down, Secret Power, and Attract.

    "Melony, what are you doing here?"

    "I heard all of the noise and came rushing over to help!"

    "Well, okay then, let's continue!"

    Audino used Take down on Purrloin and she immediately fainted. Rory couldn't believe that Audino knocked out Purrloin in one hit. Audino's power was incredible. Melony threw a Pokéball at Purrloin and caught her.

    "Yay! I caught a new Pokémon!"

    He wondered what her other 2 Pokémon were. But he got back to the battle.

    Minccino used tickle again and Palpitoad couldn't stop laughing. Then Minccino followed up with Swift again. But this time, it hit Palpitoad directly in the face and he fainted. He threw a Pokéball at it. It shook once, twice, three time and he caught it.

    'Wow! I can't believe it Minccino! We caught it, we actually caught it!"

    They both jumped around with Melony and Audino. After a while of that, they walked back to camp. The next morning, they told Logan and Lyla their story about the tag battle they had the night before. They all knew that he was definitely okay again.

    "Wow bro! You just fought your first Pokémon! I can't believe it!", he said.

    "Ya, you must be feeling good again."

    "You know what, Lyla? I think I am!"

    Melony couldn't stop thinking about how happy he was after catching Palpitoad last night. She also couldn't stop thinking how happy she was about catching Purrloin. Most of all, she couldn't stop thinking about everybody in general. These were her first friends since she was 10. When she turned 10, her parents died in a plane crash. She was forced to live in an abandoned old house in the middle of nowhere, eating the berries off of trees and bushes. Luckily she had made her own big garden. After her new friends came, she was so excited when they asked her to join them.

    "Hey Melony! You ready to go?", Logan called.

    "Yeah, I am!"

    They all set off again not knowing what else could happen. Maybe luck, or maybe tragedy...

    End of Chapter 4

    So, here are the current teams.

    Logan:
    Samurott

    Lyla:
    Whimsicott

    Rory:
    Minccino
    Palpitoad

    Melony:
    Audino
    Purrloin
    ???
    ???

    So, who do you think Melony's 2 other Pokemon should be? Please give me an answer in you post please!
    Last edited by Turtlestarf; 2nd August 2011 at 3:57 AM.

    The spoiler contains a very long signature!
        Spoiler:- Saves from Long Signature:

  13. #13
    Join Date
    Mar 2011
    Location
    edolas
    Posts
    588

    Default

    Hmmmm, Melony seems to like Pokemon like Musharna/Munna, Gothorita/Gothita, Solosis/Duosion, or maybe try Tepig! XD Melony so needs an Emboar!
    Anyway, onto correction time!
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~
    Not many Pokémon were out. Sometimes a Purrloin would walk past them.

    Replace the period after 'out' with 'but'.

    Rory jumped out at them, one of them ran away.

    Add an 'and' between the comma and 'one'.

    Palpitoad found it as an opportunity to use bubble beam, which gave a direct hit, while cleaning up all of the mud.

    Period instead of comma after 'beam', and replace 'which' with 'it'.

    Then Minccino used Swift again.

    Replace 'used' with 'followed up with'.

    It shook once, twice, three time and he caught it.

    Add 's' after 'time'.

    'Wow! I can't believe it Minccino! We caught it, we actually caught it!"

    comma after first 'it'.

    "Wow bro! You just fought your fist Pokémon! I can't believe it!", he said.

    I think it's 'First Pokemon', not 'fist Pokemon', lol

    Luckily she had made her own garden. It was very big.

    I think the sentence should be this:
    Luckily, she had made her own big garden.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~
    Good ending!

    Concealment | "Hiding One's Eyes
    Trade Page // DarkFlameShipping // Deeper Deeper
    Claimed Kyogre Since July 20th, 2011

  14. #14
    Join Date
    Apr 2011
    Location
    ⁂⁂⁂⁂
    Posts
    441

    Default

    This is just so awesome! *Subscribed and asks to join PM list* I think the other 2 should be Litwick and Deerling!
    Claims: Mario, The Big Bang Theory, Victini

  15. #15
    Join Date
    Jul 2011
    Location
    In my Imagination!
    Posts
    152

    Default

    Well, after quite a long wait, here's chapter 5! Also, it's going to be a Trilogy!

    In this chapter, the gang reach a small town called, Burrowood Town. Cilan, Chili, and Cress are also taking a break here and meet the gang and give them a tour. This may seem like a great vacation, but then, a mysterious Thunder Storm hits the city forcing Logan, Lyla, Rory, and Melony to figure it out! What is the cause of this storm? Read to find out.

    Chapter 5: The Storm on Burrowood Trilogy Part 1: The First Bolt

    Melony trotted over to a wooden sign that read, 'Welcome to Burrowood, A Perfect Vacation Spot!'

    "This looks like the place you guys!", she said.

    Logan came running over to soak in all of the clean air of the town. "Wow, so this is Burrowood, it's exactly like I thought it'd be!"

    "Wait for me and Rory you two!", shouted Lyla who was walking with Rory through the tall, thick grass, "Wow, this grass is really tall!"

    When they got into the wonderful town, they checked into a nice hotel. They all got into their bathing suits and ran out ready to jump into the crystal clear pool water. Mincinno was enjoying the pool too!

    "Logan, why are you sitting on a rubber Ducklett floaty?", asked Rory.

    "Who doesn't like Ducklett? They're just so adorable!"

    "True, true."

    "How do you like the pool?", asked a strange voice.

    Lyla looked up and said, "You're Cilan! Gym Leader of the Striaton City gym! Where's Chili and Cress?"

    "Oh, Chili's at the snack bar, and Cress is at the fountain with his Panpour. Anyways, want my brothers and I to give you a tour of Burrowood?"

    Swimming over, he said, "Sure, that'd be great! By the way, I'm Logan!"

    "Hi, I'm Melony!"

    "Rory."

    "And I'm Lyla!"

    "Terrific, I'll go get them and we can go on a tour!"

    Before they started the tour, everybody changed back into their normal clothes.

    "Chili, you can get your ice cream later, we have a tour to give!", said Cress, trying pull Chili away from the snack bar.

    "Fine, I'll be back for my ice cream later though!"

    "Whatever..."

    The tour began at the Hotel.

    "This right here is the Hotel. Here you can, stay if you don't have anywhere else to stay", said Cilan.

    Chili told them, "Across from the Hotel is the pool! You can jump off of the diving board or just gently swim around. It's especially fun to hang out at the pool with friends!"

    Cress added to the tour by saying, "Over there is the Pokémart, where you can buy anything from Potions, to Pokéballs. And right in front of us is the Fountain. It's water was perfectly drinkable, but now it's like a Pokémon bath."

    "Hey, how do you guys know so much about his place?", Logan butted in.

    "Well, Cress, Chili, and I go here for vacation sometimes in the summer and spring. Oh, you see that house over there?"

    "Yeah", said everybody simultaneously.

    "Legend has it that many ghost type Pokémon haunt it, looking for people to scare away, just so they can get a good laugh."

    "Eh, it's just a legend. Cress and I don't believe in that stuff. Well, those last two building are the Pokémon Center and Day-Care. They were two separate buildings, but then they decided to combine to have one big building where you heal and leave your Pokémon for the day."

    "I would NEVER leave my Pokémon at a Day-Care center. It would ruin the purpose of having Pokémon, to bond with them."

    "Yeah, Rory's right", Melony agreed.

    "Yeah, nobody really uses the Day-Care part anyways. But that large tower over there is the Clock Tower. Cilan and Chili don't really appreciate it as much as I do. It was the first building here at Burrowood."

    "Well, that concludes the tour!", said the three brothers at the same time, but Chili chimed in a little late.

    "Thanks so much for the tour! Lyla, Logan, Melony, and I really appreciate it!"

    All of the sudden, the sky got dark. Lightning struck the Clock Tower! Every body started running into the hotel. But Logan, Cilan, and the rest ran straight into the Haunted House!

    "Oh no! Guys, we're in the Haunted House!" Rory always believed in Legends and Myths. The other thing was that he was always afraid of them. So this was freaking him out.

    "Rory, you just have to rela-"

    "I will not relax, or calm down, or whatever Logan! This is freaking me out! What if we get attacked or something huh?!"

    "Dude, we all have Pokémon! In fact, you have two!"

    "Yeah, and I have five!"

    "Wait a sec Melony. I thought you had four Pokémon!"

    "No Rory. See, I have this one that I keep under my hat! It's my fist Pokémon and I want to keep it safe."

    "Oh, that reminds me, Minccino, return." Mincinno went back into his Pokéball. "Anyways, who are your Pokémon?"

    "Well let's see. I have Audino, Purrloin, Musharna, Duosion, and my first Pokémon under my hat here is Pignite. I got him as a little Tepig."

    "Oh, well then let-"

    "Rory? Rory?! RORY!" Logan didn't know what was wrong.

    Cilan, Chili, and Cress came down out of a kitchen with some food. But quickly, they all froze like Rory.

    "Lyla, Melony, what's going on?"

    They didn't respond. They were frozen too!

    "Guys, this better not be a joke!"

    All of the sudden, their faces started to grow into evil smiles.

    "Wha- what are you guys doing?!"

    Everybody but Logan started to float, and soon enough, chase Logan!

    "AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!"

    Logan started running around the house. After a while, he realized the all had purple glows around them. Maybe the glow was controlling them. But what was he going to do about it?

    It wasn't soon before Logan reached a dead end. Logan looked out of the window and realized that on top of the Clock Tower was Zekrom!

    Logan couldn't process everything quick enough. Zekrom was just outside, and his friends were possessed and trying to kill him, what was he going to do?!

    End of Chapter 5

    So there you have it! The first part of my Trilogy! Stay tuned for parts 2 and 3, coming soon!
    Last edited by Turtlestarf; 8th August 2011 at 8:19 PM.

    The spoiler contains a very long signature!
        Spoiler:- Saves from Long Signature:

  16. #16
    Join Date
    Mar 2011
    Location
    edolas
    Posts
    588

    Default

    YES!!!!! ZEKROM!!!!!!
    Anyway, the ending is great! Logan's buddiez and brother is possessed! Oh gosh, I just gotta read the next chapter.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~
    "Wait for me and Rory you to!", shouted Lyla who was walking with Rory through the tall, thick grass, "Wow, this grass is really tall!"

    The 'to' should be 'too'.

    "This right here, is the Hotel. Here you can, stay if you don't have anywhere else to stay", said Cilan.

    Get rid of the comma between 'here' and 'is'. And the next sentence should be something like, "You can stay here if you don't have anywhere else to stay".

    Chili told them, "Across from the Hotel is the pool! You can jump off of the diving board or just gently swim around. It's especially yo hang out at the pool with friends!"

    For some reason I think 'yo' shouldn't be in the middle of 'especially' and 'hang' XD. Although I could so imagine Chili saying yo.

    "Well, that concludes the tour!", said the three brothers at the same time, but Chili chimed in a little late.

    Haha, this part was funny. That's so Chili-like XD

    Concealment | "Hiding One's Eyes
    Trade Page // DarkFlameShipping // Deeper Deeper
    Claimed Kyogre Since July 20th, 2011

  17. #17
    Join Date
    Jul 2011
    Location
    In my Imagination!
    Posts
    152

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by kyogreblue3 View Post
    YES!!!!! ZEKROM!!!!!!
    Anyway, the ending is great! Logan's buddiez and brother is possessed! Oh gosh, I just gotta read the next chapter.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~
    "Wait for me and Rory you to!", shouted Lyla who was walking with Rory through the tall, thick grass, "Wow, this grass is really tall!"

    The 'to' should be 'too'.

    "This right here, is the Hotel. Here you can, stay if you don't have anywhere else to stay", said Cilan.

    Get rid of the comma between 'here' and 'is'. And the next sentence should be something like, "You can stay here if you don't have anywhere else to stay".

    Chili told them, "Across from the Hotel is the pool! You can jump off of the diving board or just gently swim around. It's especially yo hang out at the pool with friends!"

    For some reason I think 'yo' shouldn't be in the middle of 'especially' and 'hang' XD. Although I could so imagine Chili saying yo.

    "Well, that concludes the tour!", said the three brothers at the same time, but Chili chimed in a little late.

    Haha, this part was funny. That's so Chili-like XD
    Thanx, I fixed al of the errors. I have NO idea why I put 'yo' in there so randomly.

    The spoiler contains a very long signature!
        Spoiler:- Saves from Long Signature:

  18. #18
    Join Date
    Aug 2011
    Location
    Opelucid City
    Posts
    8

    Default

    Wow man, Great work! I love the ending of the latest chapter! Can I be on the PM list?

    [IMG]http://i52.*******.com/2nasj05.png[/IMG]


        Spoiler:- Credit:

  19. #19
    Join Date
    Jul 2011
    Location
    In my Imagination!
    Posts
    152

    Default

    So we last left off with a Storm in Burrowood caused by Zekrom, with Logan's friends and the Striaton Gym Leaders possessed and trying to kill him. What will happen to Logan? Find out in Part 2 of, The Storm on Burrowood Trilogy!

    Also, once again, we meet a new character, but will only be in this Trilogy... for now.

    Chapter 6: The Storm on Burrowood Trilogy Part 2: The Haunting Uncovered and Zekrom's Terror

    "Help me out Samurott!"

    Logan's big, blue Pokémon Samurott came out of the Pokéball ready to fight.

    "Samurott, use Razor Shell!"

    Samurott attempted to use Razor Shell, but the blade of his Scalchop Sword went right through Logan's friends! Logan had a very surprised, yet very upset expression. If he couldn't attack, what was he going to do? But he looked over at Chili and noticed that the move had knocked a Ghost-Type Pokémon out of him.

    He fell to the floor and was hazy. He was looking around when he noticed the Ghost Pokémon hovering above him. It looked a candle with a purple flare. Chili screamed and immediately ran over to Logan.

    "Logan, what is that?!"

    "I don't know, let me check."

    Logan pulled out his Pokédex and it scanned the Pokémon.

    [Liwick, the Candle Pokémon. Litwick uses the flame on it's head to suck up the energy out of other Pokémon and people.]

    "Hhmmm...."

    "Logan, what are you thinking about?"

    "I'm gonna catch it!"

    "No, that thing might hurt us!"

    "Relax, it's a Fire-Type too ya know. My Samurott here's a Water-Type."

    "Well, if you truly think you can, go catch it!"

    "Thank you. Samurott, Hydro Pump!"

    Samurott dowsed the flame on Litwicks head out. It flew back against a wall and fell down. The Ghost-Fire Pokémon used all of it's energy to re-light the flame. But before it could, Samurott attacked with Hydro Pump again.

    "LIIIITWIIIIIIICK!" The Litwick was furious now! And to show it, it used Hex on Samurott.

    It didn't feel anything from Litwick's attack. So Samurott just attacked with Aqua Tail, and Liwick fainted.

    "Okay, go Pokéball!"

    The Pokéball sucked up Liwick and shook three times. It had been caught.

    "Yes!" Then Logan heard some screaming, "Oh no! Chili are you okay!?"

    Chili had been keeping the possessed friends occupied by being chased by them.

    "WHAT DO YOU THINK?!?"

    "Pokémon, STOP!", said a mysterious voice from the top of the stairwell.

    Everbody stopped and more Ghost Pokémon came out of Logan's buddies. There was a Yamask, Frillish, Golett, and two more Litwick.

    They all got up off of the floor and Lyla said, "What happened?"

    Logan walked up to them and replied, "You were all possessed by them." He pointed to the Ghost Pokémon.

    "WHAT?! That can't be possible!"

    "But it is", said the voice again,"You see, the Pokémon here like to scare people. I am deeply sorry. Oh, by the way, my name is Shauntal."

    "Hi, I'm Logan."

    "I- I'm R- Rory." He was still very scared.

    "Lyla here!"

    "Why hello! I'm Melony!"

    "I am Cilan."

    "Chili."

    "And I am Cress. Pleased to meet you."

    Logan then realized something.

    "You wouldn't happen to be from the Elite Four, would you?"

    "I'm her!"

    "No way! It's a pleasure to meet a member of the Elite Four!"

    "Right now we have to worry about Zekrom."

    "Of course. Sorry."

    "Don't be."

    "Hey," Lyla interrupted, "Look at Zekrom!"

    They all looked outside and saw Zekrom destroying the town. Lightning was surrounding it striking every building in sight. But when Logan looked at Zekrom, all he saw was struggled Pokémon.

    "Shauntal, can you go get all of the ghost Pokémon?"

    "Yes. Pokémon, come, we need you!"

    All of them came floating over to help the group.

    "I need you to listen to Logan."

    "Thanks Shauntal. Okay little guys, you need to attract Zekrom over here. Once it's here I believe that we can subdue it with ALL of our Pokémon. Then, I will catch it to calm it down. Lastly, I will release it into the wild when it's calm. Okay?"

    Everybody but Rory was okay with the plan.

    "Wait, what if we can't subdue Zekrom?"

    "Come on, it's me."

    "Yeah, the same guy who sent a rampaging Vicini into the largest city in Unova."

    "Hey! That was not my fault."

    "Yeah, it kinda was!"

    "Rory, we need to stop fighting."

    "Yeah, I know. Let's- Let's go with your plan."

    So the ghost Pokémon went outside and attracted Zekrom by spinning around it's head while it tried to attack. They quickly lured it over to the old house so everybody could fight it.

    Once it was there, everyone knew that they had to do this, no turning back. Everybody sent out their Pokémon and the battle began...

    End of Chapter 6
    ----------------------------------------------
    Wow, this came out WAY shorter than I intended...

    So, do you think that they will be able to win against Zekrom? Or will Zekrom conquer over and set off to destroy the rest of region with Victini?

    The spoiler contains a very long signature!
        Spoiler:- Saves from Long Signature:

  20. #20
    Join Date
    Apr 2011
    Location
    ⁂⁂⁂⁂
    Posts
    441

    Default

    Add Resihiram to the mix, and I'll be happy.
    Claims: Mario, The Big Bang Theory, Victini

  21. #21
    Join Date
    Jul 2011
    Location
    In my Imagination!
    Posts
    152

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by arceusvictini View Post
    Add Resihiram to the mix, and I'll be happy.
    Reshiram is gonna be in my other fan fic.

    The spoiler contains a very long signature!
        Spoiler:- Saves from Long Signature:

  22. #22
    Join Date
    Jul 2011
    Location
    go look for me!
    Posts
    18

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Turtlestarf View Post
    Reshiram is gonna be in my other fan fic.
    O.O RLY?!?! YES!
    also thnx for naming one of the characters after my trainer in my white!!!

    I have officially claimed Omega Ruby!! Woo!

  23. #23
    Join Date
    Jul 2011
    Location
    In my Imagination!
    Posts
    152

    Default

    Uummm, no problem?

    The spoiler contains a very long signature!
        Spoiler:- Saves from Long Signature:

  24. #24
    Join Date
    Sep 2011
    Location
    Anywhere my heart takes me.
    Posts
    127

    Default

    Wow! This is amazing! May I be on your PM List?!



    [IMG]http://i42.*******.com/352kva9.gif[/IMG]

    ★ "This is a new year. A new beginning. And things will change." ★
    ~Taylor Swift

  25. #25
    Join Date
    Jun 2011
    Location
    The Astral Plane
    Posts
    1,452

    Default

    Why is Zekrom always a bad guy? :<
    All in all, the fanfic is good. A few grammar errors doesn't make it any less enjoyable.
    Oh hey, I have a Nuzlocke story.
    I hath claimed the ULTIMATE TROLL!
    When an unknown infection spreads throughout Hoenn, it's up to three elite Trainers to defeat its source: Deoxys.
    Currently up to Chapter 2 of the sequel.
    Credit to Atari!
    Quote Originally Posted by Kamina
    Do you know why people have eyes at the front? It's to see the vast landscape, and to move forward. If we had eyes in the back, we'd only see ourselves leaving our birthplace. That way, people could never move forward. Our eyes are at the front, so that when we walk, the distant landscape draws closer. That's why people can move forward.

Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •