View Poll Results: What do you think of my Fan Fic?

Voters
10. You may not vote on this poll
  • It's Good

    4 40.00%
  • It's okay

    4 40.00%
  • It's not great

    1 10.00%
  • It's pretty bad

    0 0%
  • I need to read more before deciding

    1 10.00%
Multiple Choice Poll.
Results 1 to 21 of 21

Thread: Pokemon Orian Adventures - Rising

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Jul 2009
    Location
    Braven Town, Orian
    Posts
    53

    Default Pokemon Orian Adventures - Rising

    RISING
    THIS FAN FICTION IS RATED: G


    Hi, as you can see, this is my first Fan Fiction. I've always been mystified about what happens to Champions after they lose a Championship match, which was the birth of this story

    Rising is the tale of a young, ten-year-old Pokemon Trainer named Ryan Dallas, who meets Xavier Earl, the Ex-Champion of the Orian League. Xavier helps Ryan on his journey, teaching him the true battle styles of a Pokemon Master, and how to brave any challenge, on or off the battlefield

    And now, without further ado, here is the first book in the Orian Adventures Trilogy - Rising. Enjoy.

    P.S. Please do leave any thoughts you have in a comment. It helps me improve, which I really want to do to make this the best it can be. Also vote in the polls, if you don't have time to leave a comment. Thanks!

    CHAPTER LISTINGS
    Chapter One - The Championship
    Chapter Two - Five Years Later
    Chapter Three - Richard
    Chapter Four - Xavier
    Chapter Five - Route 302

    RISING

    1
    THE CHAMPIONSHIP

    The arena was full of people, waving and cheering as loudly as possible. Almost half of the entire audience was wearing silver and black clothing, the official colors of the Pokemon League. The other half were mostly dressed in a rich scarlet color that showed who it was they favored. Slowly, the cheering of the crowd started to die away as the trumpeting sound of the arena’s Exploud boomed. A large man, dressed in a bright silver robes with a black cloak, stepped up to the podium on the opposite side of the stadium. He tapped the microphone, and began to speak as loudly as the Exploud.

    “Ladies and gentlemen! It gives me great pleasure to be standing here today, introducing all of Orian to the 217th Pokemon League Championship!”

    He stopped for several moments as the crowd roared with cheers again, and began to speak once more.

    “Our finalist from the Orian League Tournament! Michael Thompson!”

    Once more the audience exploded with cheers and applause, overpowering the sound of those booing the challenger. Everyone in scarlet jumped up and began to perform the wave, quite unsuccessfully.

    A burly man dressed in scarlet, much the same as his supporters, stepped up to the black side of the battlefield, shaking his fists in the air and egging on the crowd.

    “And of course, our three-year-in-a-row champion! Xavier Earl!”

    Now the spectators really erupted into applause. As loud as the others were, the champion supporters completely muted the boos echoing from the other side of the coliseum.

    The bright shine of the champion’s silver dressings matched the excitement of the audience as he stepped up to the silver side of the battlefield, looking straight at his competitor, who was flexing his muscles for his side of the crowd. He wasn’t as muscular as his opponent, but he knew that his strategy was going to destroy his challenger as it always did.

    “Now then! As the rules of the championship match dictate, the returning champion shall be the first to reveal their pokemon! So! Without further ado, we ask Xavier to release his first pokemon!”

    Xavier reached down to his belt, and felt all six of his pokeballs strapped onto the left side of his waist. If everything goes as planned, he thought to himself, I’ll only be needing three of you.

    He pinched the pokeball at the front of his set and felt it grow in his hand. He threw the ball up in the air with his left hand, and spun, catching it in his right hand and catapulting it forwards as he faced back towards Michael. It was his signature pokeball throw, and he knew that now was the perfect time to really show it off.

    “CARNIVINE!” he shouted loudly, so that everyone in the stadium could here his pokemon selection. He remembered the first time he had used his Carnivine in a championship battle, how all of the viewers gasped in shock at his selection. Carnivine was not exactly the common choice for a champion - but then again, Xavier was not a normal champion.

    He saw the spinning pokeball burst open and release a jet of red light. He saw the light take the form of his Carnivine, and as the red glow faded to the regular lime color of his pokemon, the pokeball returned to his hand like a yo-yo. Carnivine danced around wildly, twirling it’s leg-like vines and snapping its head up and down.

    “And the champion has chosen Carnivine as his first pokemon! To those of you who may be thinking this is an odd choice, don’t fret - this pokemon has serious pizazz!”

    Michael was at the other end of the battlefield, smirking and mocking the announcer. He knew that he favored Xavier - he was the champion after all, but he wasn’t worried. Carnivine was exactly what Michael had predicted he would choose, and he knew all of it’s stats and attacks. He was ready for this, ready to show what he was made of.

    “And now, the challenger will choose his first pokemon!” shouted the announcer, and Michael flexed his muscles once more for his cheering fans.

    He reached down for his belt, where he also kept his six pokeballs. Choosing the one on the furthest right, he tapped the circular button that made the ball grow to the size of a large baseball. He also had his own signature pokeball throw, but he was proud to say that it was one that no one else would ever use.

    Holding his pokeball up high, he volleyed it at the ground, where it bounced high in the air ten feet away, bursting in the same jet of red light. He waited until the form of his pokemon shaped, caught the pokeball, and let out a scream.

    “CHANDELURE!” The crowd went wild. The possessed chandelier swung wildly in the air, as if helding up by a single nail in a house in the middle of an earthquake. It released a powerful column of fire up into the air, plunging the whole of the arena into a deep purple glow.

    As the crowd finally settled after this show of fiery power, the announcer said the one thing that all of the audience was waiting for.

    “Let the match...begin!” and with a last tap of the microphone, he walked down the back of the podium. The battlers opened their mouths to call out the first commands.

    “Ryan! Ryan hurry! It’s starting!” yelled the woman. She was sitting on the right side of the large beige couch next to her husband, who wasn’t taking his eyes off of the television for a second. On the furthest left of the couch sat Caitlin, Ryan’s sister, saving him a spot between her and their dad.

    “I’m coming, I’m coming!” yelled Ryan, running towards the living room from his room. He had to go and get his Carnivine plush doll - a gift he received two years ago today, on his third birthday. He had gotten it from his half-twin sister Caitlin. She was called his “half-twin,” because she was born exactly one year before Ryan. They had the same birthday, but different ages, so everyone made the joke about them being half-twins.

    He had held that plush Carnivine during every battle that included Xavier since then, and he wasn’t going to stop now. Hopping onto the couch next to Caitlin and his dad, he fixed his eyes on the screen, Carnivine doll grasped tight on his left.

    “...and Carnivine manages to land another Power Whip attack. Despite the low effectiveness, Xavier has really started to whittle Michael’s Chandelure to low health. If he doesn’t make a counter attack quick, he’ll already...there we go! Xavier lands a crunch, and the early-match toxic is really taking its toll on Chandelure. It looks like it may be down for the count...the referee is confirming its defeat! One down for Michael, he’d better make this next move count!”

    Michael looked as if he was being forced to watch a movie all about anger for eight hours. With a look as poisonous as Carnivine’s toxic, he reached for his next pokemon, bouncing it off of the ground again.

    “GENGAR!” he shouted as the ghost pokemon appeared in the red glow of the pokeball. The Gengar was smirking evilly and his eyes were glowing as scarlet as Michael’s robes.

    “Hypnosis!” he shouted, but Carnivine was too quick. It dodged, dancing around the battlefield, slowly closing in on Gengar.

    “Crunch, Carnivine!” shouted Xavier, and less than one half of a second later, Gengar was shaking it’s head rapidly, trying to get Carnivine to release it’s grip, but it held on tight.

    “Hold on, Carnivine!” shouted Xavier, but Michael laughed when he said this.

    “Gengar, calm down and use Hypnosis again!” he shouted, and Gengar began to settle. A few seconds later, Carnivine fell to the ground, fallen into a deep sleep.

    “YES!” shouted Michael, and pumped his arms in the air for the crowd.

    “NO!” shouted Ryan and his family, all sitting on the edge of their seats, anticipating what would happen next.

    “Gengar! Nightmare!” Michael yelled, loud enough for all of Orian to hear.

    This time, Xavier joined in with the “NOs” coming from all of the Dallas family.

    Gengar glared at Carnivine, it’s eyes glowing purple. Carnivine began to twitch on the playing field, groaning, “Car...carni...vine! Carnivine! Vine!” Meanwhile, Michael was laughing his head off.

    “Now to heal some of that crunch damage. Dream Eater!”

    Gengar’s eyes fixed on Carnivine again, but this time, they were turning bright pink. Carnivine let out a blood-curdling shriek, and Xavier wiped away a tear. He couldn’t stand to see his pokemon in agony. He didn’t care what would happen, he had to end this now…

    Luckily, though, it did end right then. Gengar’s eyes returned to normal, and it began to laugh harshly. Michael followed suit, but snapped out of it quickly. He knew that Carnivine could wake up any time now, so it was time to deliver the knock-out punch.

    For Michael, that punch was Fire Punch.

    As soon as he called out the command, Gengar’s hand clenched, and started to glow bright red, and began to fire up. It pulled back the fist, and the next second, Carnivine was completely immersed in flame. When the fire settled, the referee waved his flag, and the announcer called the defeat.

    Xavier called back Carnivine, and whispered, “You were absolutely brilliant, Carnivine.” before lowering it to his belt. He looked over at Michael, who was facing the crowd now, egging them on again, chanting “Michael! Michael! Michael!”

    Xavier threw his next pokeball up, and spun around like before. As the pokeball shot out of his hand, he called out…

    “SHARPEDO!” The large shark appeared in the air, and immediately the stages where Michael and Xavier were standing rose six feet in the air, along which several small spots dotting the battlefield. Sharpedo, who was quickly falling towards the ground, fell not onto cement, but cool water, which was quickly filling the arena from the four large pipes that were gushing hundreds of gallons of water by the second. The water rose, until finally Sharpedo was level with Xavier’s feet, and Gengar floating three feet above one of the raised spots on the field.

    “Dive!” called Xavier, and Sharpedo dipped below the surface, completely hidden from view. They had only just perfected this maneuver a few days ago - it wasn’t really a Dive attack. It was merely a way to trick the opponent into thinking it was Dive, before releasing the real attack.

    Michael stood stunned, staring at Xavier before he managed to regain his focus. He didn’t know that Sharpedo had learned Dive. And what did Xavier replace it with?

    Immediately he was angry with himself for losing focus again. Sharpedo had hopped out of the water behind Gengar, and began falling towards it when it realized what was happening.

    “Crunch!” shouted Xavier, and Sharpedo snapped it’s jaw shut on Gengar, who was finally released from Sharpedo’s grasp while underwater. It floated for a few seconds before the referee went and collected it, officially naming it defeated.

    Michael looked about ready to bite down on Xavier’s head, but he still reached down for his third pokeball.

    “DRIFBLIM!” he screamed loudly once more as the pokeball bounced up at the sky. In the middle of the battlefield, it popped open, shooting out a blast of red light, forming the purple hot-air-balloon pokemon.

    Before Xavier could even open his mouth, Michael shouted, “Thunder Wave!”

    The stream of sparking yellow light zigzagged its way across the battlefield. Luckily, Sharpedo managed to dip below the water before it could reach him. Unluckily, Drifblim lowered the beam, and when it came in contact with the water, Sharpedo came shooting out like a rocket.

    “Sharpedo! While in the air! Hydro Pump!”

    “Drifblim, Thunder Wave!”

    The two attacks collided, resulting in a large golden explosion of water and light in the center. The effect didn’t last long, however. The beam of lightning was working its way through the Hydro Pump. Due to the conductor abilities of the water, Sharpedo was as good as paralyzed.

    And the next second, Sharpedo crashed on the water, sparking, and immobile.

    “Focus Energy, Drifblim!”

    Drifblim opened it’s wide underbelly and withdrew a great breath. After a few seconds, it began to glow a fiery red, before fading back to normal. Sharpedo, meanwhile, was still at the other end of the field, paralyzed.

    “Now Drifblim! Thunder!”

    Drifblim swelled to an enormous size, before the top of it’s head burst open in a dazzling lightningbolt. The lightning rose high into the clouds, and the next second, an even more powerful thunderbolt crashed to the ground, where Sharpedo was floating useless. It began to sizzle and seize, and then the attack ended.

    Sharpedo looked like it was down for the count - a critical hit Thunder was not something most water types could survive.

    “Sharpedo! I know that you’re still fighting! Roar!”

    “No!” yelled Michael, as Sharpedo opened its mouth and released the most horrible sound imaginable. Drifblim was sucked back into one of Michael’s pokeballs, and another randomly popped open. What came out nearly made Xavier jump for joy.

    It was a Shedinja, which Xavier knew would be a quick defeat. Michael had probably been saving this pokemon for when Xavier had no more super effective attacks, but Roar had completely ruined his plan.

    “Shedinja, quickly! Shadow Sneak!”

    “Sharpedo! When Shedinja’s behind you…” but Xavier didn’t have time to finish before Shedinja appeared behind Sharpedo. One good hit and Sharpedo would be down. But if he could at least manage to defeat Shedinja…

    “CRUNCH!” shouted Xavier, and just as Shedinja tackled Sharpedo, he sank his teeth into the empty bug shell pokemon. They both fell in the water, and the referee called them both defeated.

    Immediately, the water on the floor of the stadium drained out and the raised stages lowered to the ground.

    There are three pokemon left with Michael, Xavier said to himself, trying to gather all of his thoughts. And four with me. He’s clearly a ghost-type trainer, so maybe...definitely. Fearow.

    He called out the name of the pokemon, and the bird appeared in the air, flying high above the crowd. Their cheers were deafening, but he was used to it. He smiled as Fearow landed in front of him, its head pointed angrily at Michael.

    “ROTOM!” shrieked Michael, and everyone gasped. Rotom were extremely rarely found - even in the Sinnoh Region, where they came from. But here, in Orian?

    “How...how did you find it?” asked Xavier, completely bewildered.

    “I did a little, let’s say, shopping, in Sinnoh.” he said with a tricky grin.

    Ryan and the rest of the Dallas family all began shouting angrily. Rotom was an international pokemon - completely unobtainable in Orian. It was like a form of cheating.

    “Well, let’s start then.”

    “Let’s. Rotom! Confuse Ray!” shouted Michael, and Rotom start to glow electrically purple. It began to stare evilly, and before anything else could happen, Fearow started shaking it’s head rapidly, completely confused.

    “You’ll shake it off Fearow, just don’t do anything to harm yourself.” shouted Xavier, looking like he wanted to force-feed Michael poison.

    “Don’t worry - your Fearow won’t have the chance to hurt itself. Thunder Wave!”

    The beam of light burst from Rotom’s sparking body. It made contact with Fearow, who shrieked for a second until the electric charge stopped.

    Xavier groaned, as did Ryan.

    Fearow stood perfectly petrified in the center of the field, when Michael made his next move.

    “Charge!” he shouted, and Rotom flared up with electrical pulse. It slowly calmed down, lightning shooting out of it’s head.

    “Now, Discharge!”

    An enormous burst of golden electrical energy exploded from Rotom. It coated Fearow, who barely managed to yell with its paralyzed jaw. It looked about ready to collapse, but Xavier wasn’t going to let that happen.

    “Roost! Come on Fearow, use Roost!” he shouted, trying to make the paralysis fade away, but it didn’t. Fearow stood there, utterly useless, until Rotom used Charge again.

    “ROOST!” shouted Xavier one last time, and Fearow finally managed to break free from the paralysis curse. It stayed sitting, but dipped it’s head onto it’s belly. A soft white glow cloaked Fearow, just as Rotom finished charging up.

    “Discharge!” shouted Michael, but Xavier knew that Fearow could still escape.

    “Fly, Fearow! Fly as high as you can, and as fast as you can! FLY!” screamed Xavier, and Fearow rocketed up into the air, the golden wave of power following. In a matter of seconds it disappeared into the clouds, but came crashing down onto Rotom almost immediately.

    “Confuse Ray, Rotom!” shouted Michael, but this time, Fearow was too quick.

    “Agility, Fearow! Keep using it and avoid Rotom’s attacks!”

    Fearow spun around, using Agility and dancing around Rotom’s many electrical attacks. After about a minute, Fearow was virtually invisible due to it’s speed.

    “Now, Fly! Keep using Fly until Rotom’s down!”

    Fearow shot around the stadium, pummeling Rotom every few seconds, until finally, Rotom collapsed on the ground, declared fainted by the referee.

    “DRIFBLIM!” no sooner had the words left his mouth than the pokemon popped out it’s pokeball. It sped over to Fearow, but it dodged too quickly to be caught.

    “Fine, use Possess!” shouted Michael, and everyone gasped. What’s possess? the audience asked each other. I’ve never heard of that move before. What does it do?

    The only person who knew the move was Xavier, and he didn’t appear to be happy about it. Drifblim suddenly disappeared from view, and the next second, a great cloud of black smoke expanded over the arena, and finally, Fearow started to shout.

    Everyone looked up and saw the bird pokemon, shooting down out of the sky, and headed straight for the ground. It crashed, head-first, onto the hard concrete. As if it was a bouncy ball, Drifblim shot out of Fearow after impact.

    How does he know Possess? Xavier said to himself. It’s supposed to only be in Ransho - but still, at least he got recoil damage.

    Fearow, who had lost all of it’s agility improvements, stood up and shook itself off.

    “Roost!” called Xavier, and Fearow crouched down, hiding it’s head on it’s stomach, beneath it’s wings. The white glow appeared again, and Fearow stood back up, ready to return to the battle.

    “Fly!” shouted Xavier, and Fearow shot forwards at Drifblim, who finally deflated, falling to the ground.

    “Only one pokemon left, Michael. Make it count.” shouted Xavier, and everyone dressed in silver and black roared with cheers, applause, and laughter.

    “Oh I will, Xavier.” said Michael, grabbing his last pokemon, throwing the ball to the ground, and releasing what it hid inside.

    “COFAGRIGUS!” screamed Michael, and the smile was wiped off of Xavier’s face. Cofagrigus would be hard to attack - it’s defense stat was sky high. But Xavier had faith in his pokemon.

    “Agility, Fearow!” shouted Xavier, and Fearow shot around, gaining speed.

    “Cofagrigus, Calm Mind!” shouted Michael in return, and Cofragrigus shut it’s eyes and focused on it’s power. It opened it’s eyes once more, ready for it’s command.

    “Shadow Ball! Make it with our secret ingredient.” said Michael with a laugh, and Cofagrigus darkened powerfully. The next second, all of the pokemon was engulfed in darkness, and suddenly, it exploded.

    Everyone was blinded, but it was clear that Fearow had been defeated. When the shadows finally lifted, Cofagrigus was using Calm Mind once more, and Fearow was sprawled on the ground.

    Calling back Fearow, Xavier reached for his next, and hopefully last, pokemon. He threw it in the air, spun, and watched the giant form of his Magmortar appear.

    “Magmortar! Confuse Ray!” shouted Xavier, and before anyone could do so much as blink, Cofagrigus was possessed with confusion.

    “Magmortar, Sunny Day!” shouted Xavier again, and Magmortar sent a burst of heat into the sky, brightening the sky and warming the crowd. Cofragrigus fell onto the ground, but managed to pick itself up, before falling backwards. Michael gave a look that would have sent any Rhyperior running, but Magmortar stayed strong.

    “Flamethrower, Magmortar!” Xavier shouted, and Magmortar raised it’s arm and released a jet of fire, which burst apart on Cofagrigus’s armor.

    Cofagrigus, who was no longer confused, but only had a few health points left, raised its hands, and it turned dark again, ready to use Shadow Ball without a command from Michael, who didn’t seem to care that it was attacking on it’s own.

    “Magmortar! FLAMETHROWER!” screamed Xavier, and after the burst of flames, the battle was done.

    “And the referee has called Magmortar out! Ladies and gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure to announce that Xavier Earl is the Orian League Champion for the fourth year in a row!”

    The audience went crazy, and so did Ryan and his family. Ryan squeezed his Carnivine tight, smiling and laughing with incredible joy.

    “Xavier will never be beaten!” he yelled with joy, and excited, he went to bed.
    Last edited by Devil's Apprentice; 8th August 2011 at 12:52 AM.
    CREATOR OF
    [IMG]http://i53.*******.com/9uxgy1.png[/IMG]
    Fan Fiction - Click to Goto Thread

    [IMG]http://i52.*******.com/b7cbbk.jpg[/IMG]
    10 - 13 - 11

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Jul 2008
    Location
    Grovine Town, Amori Region
    Posts
    143

    Default

    Okay, normally I'd say this is too long for comfort, but I really like how you narrate the battle - describing the attacks and their effects in a better way than "The Thunder Wave hit Fearow."

    Well done, I'm looking forward to more.

    ~Arceus Shadow
        Spoiler:- FULL EMOTICON JOHTO POKEDEX:

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Location
    Somewhere, nowhere, everywhere
    Posts
    5

    Default

    Okay, I'm going to take a guess and say that this first chapter doesn't say too much about what the Fan Fic is actually about, right?

    While the battle scene is quite nice and descriptive, you really should dive into more of the story in the next chapter. Much like with Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone, you can't form an opinion until chapter 2, or 3, really.

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Jul 2006
    Location
    Auckland, New Zealand
    Posts
    55

    Default

    I agree with Xavier - What you say about the premise is quite interesting, but so far, I don't really feel the connection - just the champion when he's still at large.

    Also, I really absolutely LOVE how you describe the attacks - I feel like I could learn all about those moves from this book.

    Keep it up

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Jul 2009
    Location
    Braven Town, Orian
    Posts
    53

    Default

    Alright, I know I just release Chapter One, but here's Two:

    2
    FIVE YEARS LATER

    The arena was once more full of people, waving and cheering as loudly as possible. Roughly one half of the entire audience was wearing silver robes with a black cloak, the official colors of the Pokemon League. The rest of the audience was dressed mainly in orange shirts and blue jeans, showing that they supported the challenger. The defeaning cheers of the crowd began to fade away as the roaring echo of the arena’s Exploud sounded. A thin man, dressed in a bright silver robes with a black cloak, stepped up to the podium located on the opposite side of the stadium. He tapped the microphone twice, and began to talk in a very deep voice.

    “Welcome, one and all to the 220th Orian League Championship! It is a true honor to be standing here tonight, especially seeing as it is the first match with the new Orian Champion!”

    The audience roared like the exploud as the man waited to continue.

    “On the black side of the battlefield - Our League Challenger, Caitlin Dallas!”

    “Yeah!”

    “Go Caitlin!”

    “YOU CAN DO IT!”

    All of the Dallas family was shouting, almost as if they thought their daughter, and half-twin, could here them. They watched as she walked onto the battlefield, wearing her very casual orange t-shirt and jeans. She waved at all of the crowd, then waved at the camera, knowing her family was watching right now. She stepped up to the stage on the black side of the battlefield, and the announcer continued.

    “And on the white side - Champion Blake Monroe!”

    “BOO!” shouted all of the Dallas family, though the audience at the match favored the champion strongly. After all, he had defeated Xavier Earl with only three of his pokemon at last year’s tournament.

    “Well then! As the championship match rules dictate, the returning champion shall be the first to choose their starting pokemon! So, which pokemon will it be, Blake?”

    Blake reached down to his pocket, where he stored his six pokeballs. Picking the one he wanted, he threw the ball up high in the air, where it burst open, and his Steelix fell to the ground with a powerful bang.

    “And the challenger…?” said the announcer, all of the audience waiting in suspense.

    Caitlin brushed her long brown hair out of her eyes and picked up a pokeball from her black velvet case, which was tied to her waist. She tossed it into her left hand, and bowled it through the air, bursting open to reveal her Nidoqueen.

    “Now that both pokemon have been chosen, let the match...begin!”

    * * *

    “And it’s all over, folks! Champion Blake has done it again, defeating the challenger with only three pokemon! It was an incredible defeat, and Caitlin’s Blaziken was no laughing matter! Ladies and gentlemen, it gives me great honor to announce Blake Monroe the Orian League Champion once more!”

    * * *

    When Caitlin returned home, she looked like she was trying to hold back tears. She had hidden her eyes in her hair, but when she pushed it aside, her eyes were gleaming with joy, and the mouth was in a wide smile. She found the chocolate cake sitting on the table, which was covered in navy blue icing with the words, “Congratulations, Caitlin!” in orange. After they all celebrated, which included all of her friends coming to celebrate her getting in the finals, Ryan went to sleep in the bunk below her, his mind still swimming in the amazement of his sister’s accomplishments.

    One week, he told himself. One week and I’ll start my journey too.

    When Ryan woke up the next morning, he left a note on the kitchen table telling his parents that he had gone to see his friends, and hopped on his bicycle. By the time he reached his friend, Nick East’s house, he was just shutting the front door. He grabbed his skateboard, and they rode down the hill to their other friend, Will Waterby’s.

    After they collected Will and his bike, they all went down the familiar streets and alleys that led to Orem Grove. They often went to the grove whenever they were bored or just wanted to explore, so they had even set up a small hideout inbetween a group of trees that surrounded the large clearing.

    When they got there they hung the large leaves that hid the entrance from view, and they climbed into the tree, where they each had their own sitting spot. Nick’s was closest to the bottom, only a few feet of the ground where a thick branch grew almost horizontally. Ryan was about three or four feet above him, in a tangle of thick vines where he could sit, lay down, stand, or even practice yoga without falling. At the top was Will’s, a long thick branch that curved in a “U” shape so that he could dangle his legs between the two straight parts.

    “I still can’t believe that your sister got to battle the champion! It’s incredible!” said Nick, swinging his feet inches from the ground.

    “I know, it’s crazy, right?” said Will, looking through the canopy. “Not that she’s a bad battler, I mean.” he added quickly, when he saw Ryan’s face.

    “Yeah I know what you mean. But then again, she has gone through the league twice.” said Ryan, laying lazily on the branches.

    “Wait, what?” said Will, looking down at me with a surprised look.

    “Caitlin’s gone through the league twice, remember? Ryan already told us that.” said Nick, looking up at Will.

    “Well, not fully through the league.” I said. “But she’s gotten all the badges twice. After she lost to Nora the first time, she had to get all the badges again.”

    “Really? Well I guess that’s why it took her a year.” said Will, looking back up at the treetop. “After all, your guys’ birthday is on tuesday, isn’t it?”

    “Yeah. She was excited that it only took six months the first time, but when she lost in the December Elie Four Competition…”

    “But even then, she couldn’t have fought Blake.” added Nick, who was swinging his legs again. “She still would’ve had to wait until the June Champion Competition.”

    “But she’d still have gotten the ability to face Blake when the Champion Competition, without having to face the Elite Four again.” said Ryan, who had started picking some of Orem Grove’s famous Lum Berries off of the trees.

    “Hey, you guys want to go down to the river?” asked Will. “I’m getting kind of bored with this conversation.”

    “Well I’m good to go somewhere, but not the river.” said Nick, who had joined Ryan in picking Lum Berries.

    “Yeah, we always go to the river. Let’s go to that old cave by the Chestnut tree, you know, the one that got hit by lightning. It’s supposed to be haunted.” said Ryan, looking up and down at his friends.

    “You mean the cave with the ghostly geodude? Pass. Let’s head over to Flower Clearing.” said Nick.

    “We are not going to a place called the “Flower Clearing.” said Will, and Ryan nodded.

    “It’s not girly like it sounds!”

    “‘What is it, ‘den?” said Ryan, who had just taken a large bite out of a berry.

    “It’s where all the Bellossom go.”

    “Oh yeah, the name “Flower Clearing” gives it such a girly sound, but oh no, the Bellossom really butch it up.” said Ryan sarcastically. “Let’s just go where ever we want and meet back here in an hour.”

    “How do we know when the hour is up?” asked Will.

    “Here,” said Nick, reaching into his pocket. “I have an extra watch.” He handed Will the watch, and they set it to the correct time.

    “Alright, see you in an hour.” said Nick and Will, and they stepped out of the hideout. Ryan walked further in, to the old trail that led to the chestnut tree. After about five minutes the trail split in two, and Ihe took the usual left. After five more minutes, the cave appeared up ahead.

    It wasn’t a large cave, and it wasn’t long either. A section of the river passed by the other side, and trees almost completely blocked the entrance. Ryan walked closer, sliding between two trunks and crawled under the low, muddy tree trunks that formed a net around the opening. After a few seconds of crawling the height raised, and he got back up on his legs, brushed off the few stains of dirt and mud, and went deeper.

    After a minute he saw a small speck of light appear, and began to walk quicker. He wished he hadn’t, though because he tripped over a large rock, scraping his left knee. For a second the light disappeared, but when he looked back, it was still shining.

    Ryan climbed back up and, slightly limping, he made his way along the trail. After a few seconds, he heard a quiet cracking sound, and turned around. He began to walk quicker, but remembering what happened the last time, he continued at a steady pace. There were more cracking sounds, and the slowly grew closer. When he was only about thirty seconds from the exit, he went faster again, but tripped once more on the rocky ground.

    “Ler.” sounded a deep voice and Ryan laid perfectly still. He felt the blood trickling down his knee from his two falls and wiped it on his shirt, which was a similarly red color. He stood up slowly, shaking, and walked towards the exit again.

    “Vel...veler!” groaned the voice again, and Ryan let out a small squeal, and stood still for quite a while before he continued.

    “Gravel!” yelled the deep voice, and Ryan yelled. A large rocky ball rolled in front of him, which he barely saw in time to stop. From the sounds it made, he realized it was a Graveler, not a ghost. Letting out a sigh, he walked around the golden rock pokemon.

    After walking a few feet, he gasped loudly and looked back at the Graveler. It was, indeed, gold. Letting out a yell, he ran the last ten feet without tripping, the Graveler rolling after him, yelling itself.

    “Gravel...vel...veler...GRAVEL!” it shouted, rolling and chasing after Ryan. Ryan finally made it to the end of the cave, but didn’t stop in time to stay out of the river. With a loud splash, he and the Graveler landed in the cold water.

    Luckily it wasn’t deep for Ryan, but the Graveler didn’t like it at all. It ran to the riverbank, and hopped out of the water, and into the cave. It’s golden body shimmering in the sunlight. Ryan half-swam, half-waded to the other side of the river, and climbed out shivering. Despite the sunny June weather, the water was freezing cold.

    After drying himself off, Ryan looked for a way to return to the path without going through the cave, and without going back through the river. When he found that the river expanded all the way around the small field he was on, he began to walk back to the cave, but…

    Suddenly the ground gave way beneath him. Underneath the thick carpet of leaves was a deep hole, and when Ryan landed at the bottom, he felt his leg give way with a sickening crack. His eyes filled with tears from the pain, but he looked around the hole for a way to get out.

    There was nothing.
    Last edited by Devil's Apprentice; 28th July 2011 at 10:45 PM.
    CREATOR OF
    [IMG]http://i53.*******.com/9uxgy1.png[/IMG]
    Fan Fiction - Click to Goto Thread

    [IMG]http://i52.*******.com/b7cbbk.jpg[/IMG]
    10 - 13 - 11

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Jul 2006
    Location
    Auckland, New Zealand
    Posts
    55

    Default

    The second chapter doesn't really feel closed to me. It's still pretty good, but it doesn't feel like a cliffhanger, or a storyline closing.

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Jul 2008
    Location
    Grovine Town, Amori Region
    Posts
    143

    Default

    I agree with Blazequaza - it may just be a small cliffhanger, but it doesn't feel full. It also wasn't as long as the first post, and I like a nice long read.
        Spoiler:- FULL EMOTICON JOHTO POKEDEX:

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Jul 2009
    Location
    Braven Town, Orian
    Posts
    53

    Default

    Thanks for the criticism. I really do appreciate you sharing your thoughts, it helps me improve the next chapter
    CREATOR OF
    [IMG]http://i53.*******.com/9uxgy1.png[/IMG]
    Fan Fiction - Click to Goto Thread

    [IMG]http://i52.*******.com/b7cbbk.jpg[/IMG]
    10 - 13 - 11

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Jul 2009
    Location
    Braven Town, Orian
    Posts
    53

    Default

    Here's Chapter Three:


    3
    XAVIER

    “Hey, you! Kid! What’re you doing in my trap?”

    Ryan opened his eyes. The sky was a deep orange, meaning that he had definitely taken more than an hour. Panicking, he didn’t see the old man staring down at him with a crossbow in his hand.

    “Kid!” he yelled again, and Ryan looked up quickly. The man had short, white head covering his head and a large brown vest covering white robes and a black kilt. He had startlingly green eyes, which were narrowed sharply at Ryan. Ryan tried to say a word of apology, but his panic caused him to just start wheezing.

    “Carnivine. Hey, Carnivine!” yelled the man, looking over his shoulder. There was a soft “Vine?” call, and a few seconds later, the green pokemon was at the edge of the hole.

    “Power Whip, Carnivine.” he said, and Ryan yelled and tried to cover himself.

    “I’m not going to hurt you, kid. Carnivine’s just going to lift you out with Power Whip.”

    Ryan nodded, showing he understood, and he felt the cool vines grasp his left arm, both legs, which hurt horribly, his head, and his chest. Then he felt that he was in the hands of the old man, for he had shut his eyes from the pain and tears. The man began walking, and as he did, Ryan fell back into a deep, painful sleep.

    * * *

    When Ryan woke up, he was laying on his bed with his right leg a foot in the air, resting on three large, fluffy pillows. The window above his head was open just a crack, making an irritating whistling sound. He turned half-way onto his stomach and closed it, nearly snapping the lock on his pinky finger. He was just shifting to lay back down when he heard someone whisper his name. He looked around the room, and saw his mother’s nervous face sticking out from the doorway that lead to the rest of the house.

    “Ryan! You’re finally awake. You really had us scared for a second there.” she said, her face twisting angrily, but it quickly loosened up, and she walked over to give him a hug. He hugged her back, and he asked her to explain what had happened.

    “Well, a man named Richard brought you to that hideout where you and your friends go all the time. Nick was there, looking to see if he could find you, when he came out of the trees and asked if he knew you. Nick led him back here, and then we just put you into bed. I don’t know what happened to Richard - he just disappeared. Your father and I assumed he returned to his house when we were putting you to bed. Oh, that reminds me.” she said, and the she turned towards the door, and slipped into it.

    Ryan heard his father’s name called, and a second later, they both stepped into his room, followed quickly by Caitlin. After they all hugged, and he told them what had happened to him, they decided that he needed more rest, and let him go back to sleep.

    The next time Ryan woke up, he was ready to get up. The late June heat had caused him to sweat, making his white sheets stick to his skin. Trying to lift his head without sitting all the way up, he called for his mom, who he asked if he could get out of bed.

    “Are you sure?” she asked, eyeing him with an unsure look. “You really should rest just a while longer…”

    “I can’t rest any longer.” he said, and quickly darting his eyes around the room, he saw a pair of dark gray crutches leaning against his dresser. “Besides, shouldn’t I try to learn to walk with crutches as soon as possible?”

    He knew he had done it. If there was one thing his parents had tried to teach him, it was to learn to do something before you needed to. Sighing, she stood up and walked to the dresser, grabbing the crutches with a stiff arm. Ryan would have felt sorry or guilty if he wasn’t so sick of the sweaty sheets.

    She handed him one of the crutches, and showed him how to hold the cushion under his armpit, and grab the handle with a slightly bent arm. She passed him the other, and she slowly helped him get into a sitting position, with his legs hanging over the side. He stood up on his left leg, and felt the odd sensation of balancing on one foot without having to try. He swung the crutches forward just a few inches, and hopped, his right leg dangling in the air. After about a minute of slow travel, he began to feel dizzy, and his mother laid him back down.

    “You can try again tomorrow.” she said, and turned off the lights to his room as he left. However, another chance to try came much sooner than the next day.

    Right as Ryan closed his book, The Lake of Gyarados, his torchic cuckoo-clock chirped once, revealing the time to be one o’clock in the afternoon. His dad walked in only seconds later, carrying a small plate with a peanut-butter sandwich. After putting the plate on Ryan’s bed-side table, he asked if he could get up quickly and have another go on the crutches.

    “Well, if you think you can handle it…” said his father, handing him the crutches once more. His dad tried to show him how to fit the crutches against his arm, and he realized that he didn’t know he’d already tried. Figuring it would be best to keep it a secret (For otherwise his dad might think that once was enough), he went around his room, slowly at first, but got the hang of it after he passed by the doorway, which was lucky because he didn’t want his mother to see him up again.

    He hopped back to the bed, and laid down, slightly dizzy like before. His father gave him a word of praise, tousled his hair, and left the room, leaving Ryan to eat his sandwich before reading more of his book. After a few minutes, Cali, Caitlin’s Skitty came in and jumped up onto Ryan’s bed. Petting her while reading, he slowly became drowsy.

    The next time he woke up, he called for his mom, who turned up a few seconds later. He asked for his laptop, which she brought to him along with a glass of Lemonade. After drinking a few sips, he put the glass on the bedside table, well away from his laptop, which he placed on his lap, right next to where Cali was sleeping. He opened up his instant messager and sent a message to Nick and Will saying that he was awake, and that they were welcome to come over.

    When neither responded, he closed the messager and opened the internet. He began to type in the address of his usual forums, PokeMasters, when the loud doorbell chime rang. After about a minute, his friends came in, Nick wearing his bike helmet.

    “We came as soon as we got your message.” said Nick, noticing he had failed to remove the helmet.

    “Dude, I can’t believe it! It’s our fault for not finding you…” said Will, brushing the hair out of his eyes, which were starting to tear up. That was what Ryan liked best about Will. He wasn’t completely sensitive all the time, but whenever something happened to his friends, he became very kind and self-blaming.

    “Will, it’s really not your fault.” said Ryan, pushing his laptop away. “It’s no one’s fault, except maybe that guy with the trap. Though he did bring me back…”

    “But still, man! If we hadn’t split up…” began Nick, but Ryan interrupted.

    “It was my idea to split up.”

    “...You wouldn’t have been trapped…”

    “Or we’d all have been trapped.”

    “Then we all might’ve managed to get out, working together.”

    “Guys!” yelled Ryan, causing Cali to jump and run off. “It’s not your fault! I didn’t invite you here to play the blame game.”

    “Sorry.” said both of his friends. Then Nick noticed the crutches leaning on the dresser.

    “Oh cool!” he said, slipping them under his arms rather awkwardly. “I’ve always wanted to try these.”

    “Would you want to try them, even if that makes you need to break your leg?” said Ryan, and Nick put them down, grinning rather forcefully.

    After that, the three chatted and laughed until Ryan’s mother said that they should go now, as it was growing darker. Waving good-bye to his friends, his mom brought in his dinner of spaghetti, and another glass of Lemonade. She also switched out the pillows under his leg, and left him with the bathroom light on to read by.

    It wasn’t until the third day that Ryan finally left the bedroom. Mostly accustomed to the crutches now, he hopped his way out into the hall, followed by his father and Caitlin. He managed to reach the couch in the downstairs lounge before having to rest, where he was given the television remote. Putting on Pokemon Planet, he began to watch an episode of the Krookodile Hunter - one on a rare Hoenn pokemon called Aron, and it’s evolutionary line.

    “...because of the hard metallic coating around an Aggron’s horns, they have the ability to break anything into tiny pieces. Even diamonds like these...see how they smash apart? Another...come back here, you little Lairon...is the strong tail they have. This tail is almost completely ignored, but it is one of the main...come back, Lairon!...One of the main components to their survival. The tail is a very sensitive nerve receptor, so it is very hard for a pokemon to sneak up on a Lairon or Aggron. Otherwise they would be defeated like that.”

    Finally, the sixth day, and the last day before Ryan’s birthday, Nick and Will came, and the three of them were allowed to go to Nick’s house. They played on his Wii for a few hours before they went with Ryan back home. With a promise that they would visit him the next day, they left.

    They weren’t the last to leave that night, though. At about ten-thirty, right as Ryan was laying down for the night, his mother walked in, accompanied by the man that had brought him back, Richard. Richard was carrying a small, round object wrapped in brown paper with a small card attached. He walked up to Ryan, and handed him the gift.

    “Here is a, well, a get well present, as well as a birthday present.” he said, then leaned down towards him, and whispered, “Open the card first thing in the morning.”

    Richard stood up straight, and before Ryan could manage to say a word of thanks, he was gone.

    * * *

    When Ryan woke up the next morning, his clock said 7:23. Remembering his present, he slipped the gift out from the top drawer of his night stand and pulled off the card. Ripping the top of the envelope, he pulled out a short note, only about two inches long.

    Dear Ryan,
    I do truly feel so bad about you breaking your leg in my trap. I don’t know if there’s anything I can do to help, but I hope this will make a start. Don’t tell anyone about it until you can come to visit me, I’ve given your parents my information so that I can come and collect you for a spot of tea.

    Happy Birthday,
    Richard


    Ryan hastily began to rip the paper off of the round object. When he saw what it was, he smiled widely and laughed a small amount. He held in his hand a ball, about the size of a large baseball, that was half red and half white, with a line of black in the center that ended in a circle around a large white button.

    A pokeball.

    Ryan clicked the pokeball, and it burst open. When the pokemon was released, he was startled and gasped. What is this pokemon? he wondered, and looked at the note to see if it said what it was. When he turned it over, he found another short message.

    P.S.
    I thought it would be best if I could give you a very rare pokemon, as all of your friends will be getting the regular Orian Starters.

    It’s called a Hydrake.

    The Hydrake, as it was apparently called, was a pokemon unlike any other pokemon Ryan had ever seen, except perhaps, a Hydreigon.

    It looked like a small dinosaur, about the size of a Meowth, with incredibly dark purple scales. It had four small legs with three short claws each, but the weirdest thing about it was it’s head, or actually, heads.

    There were three heads, each with a long neck. The bottom half of each of the necks was purple, but there was a downward flame pattern with a different colord on each. The head on the left was black, and had the longest, yellowest fangs. The middle head was red, and was also the largest. The head on the right was acid green, and had curved teeth the same color. Each head seemed to have a mind of it’s own, but the middle was clearly in charge. Every time that it made an odd gurgling noise, the other two looked straight at it, then at Ryan.

    It stood on Ryan’s lap for a minute before hopping off and onto the floor of the room. Remembering what Richard had said about keeping it a secret, he reached for the pokeball and clicked the white button, and the Hydrake was sucked into the orb in a jet of red light.

    Then Ryan placed the ball back in the drawer, and laid his head down on his pillow for a few more minutes of rest. This birthday was already the best Ryan had ever had.
    Last edited by Devil's Apprentice; 1st August 2011 at 2:39 AM.
    CREATOR OF
    [IMG]http://i53.*******.com/9uxgy1.png[/IMG]
    Fan Fiction - Click to Goto Thread

    [IMG]http://i52.*******.com/b7cbbk.jpg[/IMG]
    10 - 13 - 11

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Jul 2006
    Location
    Auckland, New Zealand
    Posts
    55

    Default

    Okay, the "Hydrake" really does kind of sound like a Hydreigon, especially with the three-headed hydra factor. You did comment on it, which kind of makes it okay, showing you're not just trying to pass off your idea as completely new, but still.

    However, the ending of the chapter is much more satisfying than the previous one, so good job on that. Like I said before, Chapter 2 didn't really seem closed.

    I'm looking forward to more.
    ~BLAZE

  11. #11
    Join Date
    Jul 2009
    Location
    Braven Town, Orian
    Posts
    53

    Default

    Well, about the Hydrake:

    I have always loved Hydras, and I had the idea to make this Fan Fic long before I even knew about the Hydreigon line. I had even created the specific things about it, which you'll find out about later.

    I did think that mentioning the Hydreigon line would show a spark of decency in the origins of the pokemon, and I hope that Hydrake will be different enough to satisfy the readers.

    Thanks for the critique.
    Devil's Apprentice
    CREATOR OF
    [IMG]http://i53.*******.com/9uxgy1.png[/IMG]
    Fan Fiction - Click to Goto Thread

    [IMG]http://i52.*******.com/b7cbbk.jpg[/IMG]
    10 - 13 - 11

  12. #12
    Join Date
    Jul 2009
    Location
    Braven Town, Orian
    Posts
    53

    Default

    4
    XAVIER

    After he had gotten up on his birthday, he received five more gifts, one from each of his family members, and one from both Nick and Will. From his mom he got a brand new deck of cards for a game called Pokemon Showdown, a very complicated game that was very popular among Ryan’s age group.

    In the game, each of the three players has a deck of 52 cards. The player draws seven cards from the deck at the end of their turn. The goal of the game is to be the second person to run out of cards. During the player’s turn, they must play a card, or multiple cards, with a pokemon that is super effective against the previous card played. However, a card cannot be played if it shares a type with another card in the player’s hand. The player can also make a “weak” move, in which they place only one card with a pokemon that the previous card is super effective against. If the player can do neither of these things, they must swap all of their cards for the top cards in their deck. In the deck there are two kinds of cards that have additional effects. A support card is a card that is played alone, even if the typing is duplicated, as long as it is super effective on the previous card. The card will say what the additional power of the support card is, possibly being sleep, paralysis, freeze (all of which make the last player lose the next turn), burn, poison (which make the player replace one of their cards at the beginning of the turn as well as at the end of the next turn), and heal (this can be played to nullify the other effects). Lastly there are Life cards, which when played, the user does not draw a new card at the end of the turn.

    His next gift, from his dad, was a new pair of Running Shoes, and Ryan realized with a twinge of guilt that this meant his parents had planned to give him his first pokemon today. Remembering his promise to Richard, he said nothing, but hoped he would be able to get his parents to believe he wanted to wait, at least until he had the chance to talk with Richard about his gift.

    Sure enough, his next gift, from Caitlin, was a pre-approved Trainer Card, with all of Ryan’s information on the front. He realized that it was a dual-present, and he opened the Orian Badge Case that was attached. He was truly excited about both of these things, and was especially glad that it was Caitlin who had given them to him, as she was his main trainer’s role model.

    From Will, he got a brand new book called Leafeon’s Grove, the sixth book in his favorite series, Evolution. It was about a teenager in the distant region of Quancoh, where the Quancoh Islands were fighting for their independence.

    Lastly, from Will, he gained three new documentaries on rare pokemon, Heatmor and Durant, Rhyhorn, Rhydon and Rhyperior, and Shuckle.

    Of course it was also Caitlin’s birthday, but she said that she didn’t want anything that would steal the thunder of Ryan’s tenth. She did, however, get a new pair of running shoes as well, and also a new set of winter clothes. Ryan didn’t know why she had gotten a heavy coat, pants, beanie, and snowshoes in June, but he thought it would be better not to ask.

    After they had opened their presents, their parents went to get food for their birthday lunch, and Ryan, Nick and Will went back to his room to play a game of Pokemon Showdown.

    “Okay, prepare to put your new cards to the test, Ryan.” said Nick, pulling out a set of cards he was holding in his pocket. Will did the same, smiling.

    “Don’t be so cocky. Remember last time I got a new set of cards and you were the first person to run out?” said Ryan, and Nick narrowed his eyes before chuckling.

    The game went on for quite some time, and they were only about halfway through each of their decks when Ryan’s parents returned with lunch, after which, they returned to the game. After another half hour, Will had been reduced to one card, a Swablu, which he had been forced to play on Nick’s Gloom, losing the game.

    Finally, after ten minutes, Nick laid down a Hitmontop, and Ryan played his last card, a Kadabra, and won the game.

    When the sun started to set, everyone gathered in the dining room, where Ryan received his birthday cake, chocolate, with orange icing with the words “Happy Birthday Ryan” written in green. Caitlin’s cake was much like the one she had gotten a week before, blue with orange that said “Happy Birthday Caitlin.” After cake, Nick and Will went home, and Ryan’s parents went to bed. As was usual on their birthday, Caitlin forced Ryan to stay up until past midnight, which he didn’t object too. Ryan was, and always had been a night person, though the only other person in his family who shared the opinion was Caitlin. They spent the time playing various board games out of the cupboard, watching tv, and they even baked a batch of triple chocolate fudge brownies.

    When midnight came, though, Ryan went to bed, and realized that his parents hadn’t even mentioned him getting a starter pokemon.

    His last thoughts before falling asleep were, Do they know about Hydrake?

    * * *
    Over the next few weeks, Ryan often considered telling his parents about Hydrake, as it was increasingly hard to keep it quiet, especially when it was feeding on Pokemon Food he had borrowed from Cali. It’s long teeth created a loud cracking sound every time, until eventually…

    “What is that?!” yelled Caitlin, stepping into Ryan’s room. He had been feeding Hydrake a small lunch when it released a loud roar, and his sister had come in too quickly for him to return it to the drawer.

    “SHHH!” he yelled in return, and Caitlin stared at him, eyes and mouth opened wide. “It was a birthday present from Richard.”

    “You’ve been keeping a pokemon in your room since your birthday?!” she yelled, but much more quietly. “That’s incredible!”

    “Thanks.” he said, smiling, but stopped when Hydrake lunged one of it’s heads at Caitlin. “NO!” he yelled, and grabbed the neck, which sunk it’s teeth into his dresser, creating two deep, sizzling holes. “Hydrake!”

    Hydrake whimpered with it’s middle and right head, but the head that had lunged still narrowed its eyes suspiciously at Caitlin.

    “She’s my sister. She’s not our enemy.” he said, and the pokemon finally calmed down.

    “So, what is a Hydrake?” she asked, sitting down on the edge of Ryan’s bed.

    “To be honest, I’m not really sure. Richard hasn’t talked to me about it at all since he gave it to me.”

    “Well, can it battle?”

    “I don’t actually know. He has a good bite, though.”

    Caitlin hopped down off of the bed, and pulled out a red device, a PokePod. He watched her flip through the pages of applications she had, and had almost lost interest when she held up the device to Hydrake. It snarled.

    “Hydrake!” Ryan said, and it calmed down again. The PokePod was now shooting a thin beam of red light right at Hydrake’s middle head. It stared, mesmerized for a second before the light stopped. The PokePod began to hum, but after a few seconds, it chimed softly.

    Hydrake.” the PokePod began to speak in a quiet computerized voice. “The Hydra Pokemon. Each of it’s three heads has a very different personality. The middle head is the brain, and controls the two others, one with a powerful jaw for fighting, and one for poisoning opponents.”

    Caitlin clicked a few buttons, and the PokePod whispered several different stats about the pokemon.

    A Dragon type Pokemon.”

    Evolves into Hydrakon at Level Thirty. Currently at Level Five.”

    National Dex number: Eight-hundred and Five.

    “Here we go!” Caitlin said, and clicked another button.

    Moveset: Rage. Leer.”

    “Hmm.” Caitlin said, putting the PokePod away. “That’s not very much for a pokemon battle.”

    “You want to battle?” Ryan asked, excited. He had never been in a real pokemon battle before, and had always planned on versing Caitlin the first time.

    “Of course! I want to be your first opponent. Oh!” she said, her eyes opened wide. “I’ll be right back!”

    She ran out the door, and returned a few moments later, carrying a pokeball. She walked over to Ryan’s bed, pulled out the PokePod again, and laid both on his bedside table. After a few clicks on the device, another beam of light sprouted from the PokePod’s top, and she turned it to face the pokeball, which began to dissolve.

    “Wow…” Ryan began, but was interrupted quickly when the PokePod chimed loudly. A second later, the red light began to form into a new pokeball. When it finished, it clicked off, and Caitlin picked up the ball.

    “I caught this on my way home, it was just outside of Orem Town.” she said, and threw the ball in the air. It burst open, and a sentret formed, hopping on it’s large tail. “Sentret, you want to battle Ryan’s Hydrake?”

    “Sen! Sentre!” it chimed happily, and began to hop all around Ryan’s room, settling on a spot on the other side of the floor.

    “You up for it?” Ryan asked Hydrake, who looked ecstatic at the thought of being able to defeat Caitlin, who it for some reason still didn’t care for. It hopped off of the bed, but then a thought occurred to him.

    “Wait, but a pokemon battle is going to make a lot of noise.” he said, but Caitlin dismissed the problem.

    “We’re the only ones here. Mom and Dad went to the store to buy some pokemon food, which has been running out faster than normal…” she said, and turned her head at Hydrake, who grunted.

    “Oh. Well, alright then.”

    “You first, it is your first battle, after all.”

    “Thanks. Alright, Hydrake! Use Rage!”

    Hydrake raised it’s two outer heads towards the ceiling, the middle one deep in concentration. The heads then swiped down quickly, and lunged at Sentret, who narrowly dodged.

    “Defense Curl!” she yelled, and Sentret curled up into a ball.

    “Rage, quickly!” Ryan yelled, and Hydrake raised it’s heads again, which were starting to turn red. It lunged down at Sentret, who was still rolled up, and smacked it against the wall. It uncurled quickly, not damaged by much.

    “Scratch!”

    Sentret hopped over the floor to where Hydrake was standing, and its claws grew considerably as it pounced. Hydrake, however, was too quick. It curved its heads around the jumping pokemon, and snickered.

    “Oh yeah?” Caitlin said, smiling. “Foresight!”

    Sentret turned around, hitting Ryan’s good leg, which was hanging over his bed, with its tail. It looked intently at Hydrake, who was just turning around now.

    “Hydrake, quick! Rage!”

    The power of Rage would be stronger now that Hydrake had successfully landed a blow, but it was no faster. Sentret finally broke out of its stare, and its claws grew again, knowing already what its next command would be.

    “Scratch!”

    “Now!”

    Both pokemon collided in their attacks, but Hydrake managed to remain stable as Sentret collapsed onto its back.

    “You did it, Hydrake!” yelled Ryan, and Hydrake scrambled over, jumping onto his lap. It turned, and all of the heads chuckled at Caitlin.

    “Hydrake, seriously!” said Ryan, who was swinging his legs back on the bed. “Why do you hate Caitlin?!”

    Caitlin just laughed, though, and came over to Ryan’s bed. It wasn’t long before they heard the sound of the garage door opening.

    Ryan gasped. “Mom and Dad are home!” he said, and grabbed for Hydrake’s pokeball. He returned the pokemon to its drawer, and Caitlin fled to the door, but Ryan called after her.

    “Don’t say anything to Mom and Dad, okay?”

    “Sure. Just tell me when you talk to Richard.” she said, and ran back down the hall.

    Ryan reached for Leafeon’s Grove, which was laying on his bedside table, and began reading as he had been before he’d fed Hydrake. A few minutes later, his parents came in to check on him, and finally he was able to read the rest of his chapter.

    * * *
    It was almost a month before Ryan was finally allowed to visit Richard, though he had come to visit Ryan a few times. However, every time he brought up Hydrake, he quickly walked out of the room, and didn’t return for days. It was much easier to take care of the pokemon now that Caitlin knew, though. She brought him pokemon food from the cupboard early in the mornings and late at night, and watched the door while Hydrake was being fed. It had finally started to like Caitlin, especially whenever she brought him special Dragon type pokemon food from the Orem Mart.

    Ryan called Richard, who appeared no more than ten minutes later. They both stepped out, Ryan hopping on his crutches, and he asked the question he’d been waiting to ask since his birthday.

    “Okay, seriously. What’s the story about the Hydrake?” he asked, and Richard didn’t flee.

    “What do you mean? It’s a pokemon.”

    “I know it’s a pokemon. Where is it from? What does it do? Just tell me about it.”

    “Alright then. Hydrake is a pokemon from a very distant region.”

    “Called…?”

    “Now isn’t the time to tell you all about that. Hydrake is a Hydra pokemon, a greek monster with several heads.”

    “I know what a Hydra is!”

    “Well, each of the three heads has a different ability. The one in the center is…”

    “The brain.” Ryan interrupted, and Richard gave him a quizzical look. “My sister looked it up on her PokePod.”

    “Well then, you are right. The center head controls the other heads, though they can grow a mind of their own at certain times. Mostly emotions.”

    “Oh yeah, that reminds me. One of Hydrake’s heads really hates my sister.”

    “Wait, you mean your sister has actually seen the Hydrake?”

    Ryan realized quickly that meant he had broken his promise to Richard. “She walked in while I was feeding him.”

    “Oh, it’s no matter.”

    “But also, my parents never got me a pokemon for my tenth birthday, like everyone else does. Did you tell them I had a pokemon?”

    “No, but I did mention that you would be wanting to talk to me before you got one. It was only a white lie.”

    “Yeah I guess”

    “Ryan, if you had gotten a pokemon, which would you pick?”

    “Well, my sister got Torchic, so probably one of the water types. But I really like Snivy. Turtwig too, and Charmander, and Torchic like her. If I was going to get a water type, I’d choose Totodile.”

    “Don’t choose your first pokemon bye what your sister received.”

    “Yeah, I know I shouldn’t, but she’s my sister, you know?”

    “No, I was born into a family of two boys.”

    “I didn’t mean literally.”

    They reached the edge of the grove, and Richard began to lead Ryan. They continued talking until they reached the cave.

    “Now, normally I would have us both go through, but because of your leg…I mean, it can be done, but easier to avoid that problem.”

    He chose a pokeball from his belt, and threw it into the air. It burst open, and a large bird appeared, with a beak the color of the setting sun. It’s feathers were the color of a wood plank, but looked about as soft as a cushion. A Fearow.

    “Why didn’t we just ride on Fearow the whole time?!”

    “Because, it’s hard to ride a Fearow, even with fully functioning legs. Their wings beat rapidly.”

    The Fearow was flapping its long wings forcefully and quickly. Richard helped Ryan on, and he felt the hard pounding of the bird pokemon as it took to the air. He was holding his hands around the long thin neck, and they weren’t flying high, but he was sure he was going to fall. However, Fearow landed rather quickly on the other side of the river and Ryan hopped off, sitting down on a rock with his crutches on the ground, waiting.

    After a while, Richard came through, the gold Graveler right behind him. The Graveler was holding something, a large pile of wooden boards. Richard took the boards, and the Graveler disappeared into the rocks. He threw the boards over the river, and Ryan crawled over, hooking the two rope loops around two steel pegs.

    “Thanks!” called Richard, and he walked across the bridge. He returned Fearow to its pokeball, and they moved forwards. Ryan saw the spot where he had fallen, and remembered, with a chill, the pain of breaking his leg. Richard saw the pain in Ryan’s eyes and held him close, assuring that he knew the way around the traps.

    “What are the traps even for?” he asked as they reached trees again. He didn’t know where they were going, but was excited as he saw this was a place he had never been before. A group of Pansage were jumping through the trees above, calling out loudly.

    “There’s a wild Mightyena around here that steals the fruit from my Sitrus Berry tree.”

    “Oh.”

    They finally reached a clearing in the trees, and Ryan saw a small cabin at the other side. There was something large and black there, too.

    “There it is!” yelled Richard, and threw another pokeball into the air. Before Carnivine even formed, he yelled a command.

    “Power Whip, Carnivine!” Carnivine sent a volley of vines at the Mightyena, which bit furiously at them. It prepared to pounce, and lunged at Carnivine, knocking it over.

    “Bite!” Carnivine sunk its leafy teeth onto Mightyena’s head, and it backed away.

    “Ryan, just go into the house. Stay in the entrance!” he yelled, and chased after the retreating dog pokemon.

    Ryan hopped his way to the house, hearing the sounds of Mightyena fighting Richard in the trees. He opened the large door, and spotted a couch near the window. He sat down, and five minutes later, Richard came out of the trees with three other pokemon. Carnivine, Fearow, and Magmortar.

    With a gasp, Ryan’s suspicions were confirmed. He had suspected it when he had seen Fearow, but it was Magmortar that made him absolutely sure. Richard came in the house, putting the three pokeballs back onto his belt.

    “You! You’re...you’re…” Words failed Ryan. Richard saw his worried face, and tensed up.

    “Ryan, what’s wrong?” he asked, but Ryan didn’t speak again.

    “You’re Xavier!”

    For a long time, Richard stared at him, growing angrier slowly. His eyes darted towards a closet in the back of the living room, and turned to look back at Ryan.

    He whispered something Ryan couldn’t hear. Then, he yelled. “GET OUT!”

    “Wha...what?!” Ryan asked, completely confused. “Why?”

    “I TOLD YOU TO STAY IN THE ENTRANCE! YOU WENT IN MY CLOSET, DIDN’T YOU?!”

    “What? No! Richard I...I mean, Xavier…”

    “GET OUT!” He opened the door wide and grabbed Ryan’s crutches. He shoved them at him, and pushed him out of the cabin. Ryan, who was crying slightly from fear and pain from falling with his leg, climbed up as the door shut. Hopping on his crutches, he took out the pokeball containing his Hydrake, and threw it deep into the woods. His eyes filled with tears, he began to walk home.
    CREATOR OF
    [IMG]http://i53.*******.com/9uxgy1.png[/IMG]
    Fan Fiction - Click to Goto Thread

    [IMG]http://i52.*******.com/b7cbbk.jpg[/IMG]
    10 - 13 - 11

  13. #13
    Join Date
    May 2009
    Location
    Driftveil City, Unova
    Posts
    999

    Default

    This story is getting interesting. I wonder why Xavier is going to such lengths to keep his identity as a former champion secret. I also want to know more about Hydrake.

    It seems like you have this all planned out, which is good. This story feels like it's going to be a journey fic with a twist. I can't wait until I read more.

  14. #14
    Join Date
    Jul 2009
    Location
    Braven Town, Orian
    Posts
    53

    Default

    5
    ROUTE 302

    The hardest part of the return was not the difficult walk across the wooden bridge, or navigating through the low, dark cave. It was the pain Ryan already felt from having Xavier shout at him for doing nothing he had known was wrong, and from losing Hydrake, which he regretted more than anything else. It was only anger at Xavier that had made him throw the pokeball into the forest, and only now did he realize how much he cared for the pokemon. Through the trip home he considered going back, but thought better of it. Xavier would still be furious, and a single sight of Ryan returning would begin another shouting war. He was almost home when Caitlin, who was reading a book while sitting in the tire swing, saw him.

    “What the...where’s Richard?” she asked, sounding slightly alarmed. “You’re not supposed to be walking on your own.”

    “Well, Xavier doesn’t care too much about what happens to me now.”

    “Wait, what? Xavier?” she said, giving a very confused look. “You mean that Richard…”

    “Is the Ex-Champion of Orian?” he interrupted. “Yeah.”

    “Oh my gosh! But wait, why wouldn’t he care about what happens to you? What happened?” She quickly laid the book aside, and jumped up off of the swing, coming closer to Ryan.

    “Well, I don’t really know actually. I was just alone in his cabin…”

    “Wait, why were you alone?”

    “He was going out to fight some wild Mightyena that was eating his berries, or something. But anyways, I was alone in the cabin, and he told me to stay in the entrance…”

    “You left the entrance, didn’t you?”

    “No! That’s what he was so mad about! I stayed in the entrance, and I saw three of his pokemon. That was when I found out he was Xavier. He had Carnivine, Fearow, and Magmortar!”

    “So why did he get mad at you, then, if you didn’t break his rule…”

    “It’s because when he came back, I said that I knew he was Xavier. Then he screamed at me about some closet…”

    “Of course!” yelled Caitlin, her eyes opened wide. “There must have been some closet that revealed he was Xavier, and he thought you had gone and seen it.”

    “Well, maybe...but still, why did he get so furious when I said I knew?”

    “I don’t know. He must be trying to keep it a secret, for some reason.”

    “But why would anyone keep the fact that they were the strongest trainer in all of Orian a secret?”

    At this, Caitlin looked to her side, trying to think. “I...I don’t know. But no matter what, he wanted to keep it a secret, and you found out. What happened after he shouted?”

    “He threw my crutches at me, and, and...” He began to tear up, remembering Xavier shouting at him and forcing him out. “...And he pushed me out of the cabin.”

    “Oh my gosh, Ryan!” she said, and gave her brother a hug. “Did he take away Hydrake?” She sounded stressed at this thought. Ryan realized with a start how much Caitlin had started to like Hydrake, taking care of it just as much as he did.

    “He...he…” he began, but he couldn’t bring himself to lie. “I got rid of it. I was just so mad at Xavier, that I didn’t want to have the pokemon he gave me. It was horrible, though. I’ve been furious with myself all the way home.”

    “Why didn’t you go back?” she said, her eyes starting to water as well.

    “Because, I didn’t want to face Xavier again. I just couldn’t. Trust me, I really wanted to.”

    “Well, I’m going to get it.”

    “How? It could be anywhere in the grove, you’ll probably never find it.”

    “It’s a dragon pokemon, remember? The tend to leave a trail of destruction. I’ll be back in an hour or less.”

    With her last words, she whipped out a pokeball from her pocket and tossed it in the air. A large, shiny bird pokemon appeared, which long wings coated in scarlet wings that looked sharp enough to cut and entire tree in one slice. It had a pointed beak that was covered in a bright silvery metal, much like the rest of it’s body.

    Caitlin climbed on Skarmory and it began to crouch into a take-off position.

    “An hour or less.” Ryan repeated, and in a second, Caitlin was high in the sky, heading down the long road that led to the grove.

    * * *
    Ryan was still sitting in the tire swing an hour later. His crutches were propped up against the large tree, and he was swinging only a few inches. The sun was starting to set, leaving the sky a brilliant shade of orange with bright pink clouds. Ryan was slowly growing anxious, until finally, a large metallic bird appeared from the treetops.

    Caitlin flew Skarmory down to the driveway, holding a brand new pokeball. Skarmory skidded to a halt on the pavement, and let out a victorious screech. Caitlin returned the pokemon to it’s own ball, and tossed Ryan the other.

    “Sorry it took so long.” She said, putting Skarmory back into her pocket. “I didn’t realize until I found Hydrake that I was out of pokeballs, so I had to fly back to the Orem Mart. Then I had to find it again, but I got it!”

    Ryan grinned widely, and threw the pokeball out over the driveway. It burst open right above the mailbox, and Hydrake narrowly avoided crashing down on it.

    “Hydrake!” he yelled, and ran over to give the pokemon a hug. All three of the heads look very happy to see him, and they wrapped around his back in return.

    “When it saw me, it just popped right into the pokeball before I even called out a command.” said Caitlin, who was walking over to Ryan and Hydrake.

    They stood there for a few minutes, playing with the pokemon, when a voice sounded, making them both flinch.

    “So, you’ve got a pokemon?”

    Ryan and Caitlin turned and saw their parents smiling, their dad’s arm wrapped around their mom.

    “Um…” Ryan began, but Caitlin came to the rescue.

    “It was a gift from Richard for his birthday.”

    Their parents smiled at each other, then back at the two kids.

    “We assumed that was why he wanted to talk to you before you started your journey. It is a better way to start out than with one of the regular starters.” called their father, a broad smile on his face.

    “Hey!” Caitlin said, look slightly offended. “I started with Torchic and I almost beat the Orian League!”

    “But you didn’t.” said Ryan, and he avoided a punch in the arm quickly.

    “So now, are you going to be starting your journey?” said their mother, a serious look on her face now.

    “I guess so.” said Ryan, and he stood back up, grabbing his crutches off of the driveway. “I’ll probably leave tomorrow.”

    “Well, then you’d better get a good night’s rest.” said their dad, and Ryan returned Hydrake to his pokeball, hopping over to the front door. He was now ready to start. Ready to begin his journey.

    * * *
    The next morning started out like every other morning for the past month. Ryan released Hydrake to run around his room for a small while before getting dressed and ready for the day. After putting on a clean new red orange shirt and blue jeans, brushing his teeth, and showering, he went into the kitchen for breakfast.

    Also as usual, he was greeted by the warm, smoky smell of bacon and sausage being prepared on the stove. Caitlin was sitting at the table, looking at her PokePod intently, when Ryan’s mother placed a plate of bacon, eggs, and sausage in front of her. Ryan sat down on her right, and for the first time, placed his pokeball in front of him, staring at it like he was reading a book. He didn’t realize that Caitlin was staring at him confused until she asked, “What are you doing?”

    “Hm?” Ryan said, sitting up and just noticing what was happening. “Oh, uh…”

    “Nevermind. Can you pass the milk?”

    Ryan reached for the white milk jug rest on his right and slid it across the table to his left. Caitlin poured a large glass, took a sip, and looked back at her PokePod.

    “Okay, what are you doing?” he asked, as his mother placed his breakfast in front of him.

    “I’m reading a book I just got on my PokePod.”

    “Since when can you read books on PokePods?” Ryan asked, sprinkling his scrambled eggs with salt.

    “Not too long, the just made the new application, PodBooks. I only got it yesterday, and it came with a free book called Dark Thunder. It’s about a freak storm where there is some kind of electrical pokemon creating black lightningbolts. It’s really quite interesting. At this point in the story, I think it’s some kind of weird Zapdos, but, you know, I’m probably wrong.”

    It was only then that Caitlin realized that Ryan was starting his journey today. Her eyes opened wide, her mouth dropped slightly, and, she actually said, “Oh my gosh! I just realized that you’re starting your journey today!”

    “Took you dat ‘ong to rea’ize dat?” said Ryan, whose mouth was currently full of sausage and eggs.

    “Oh shut up.” she said, smiling. Their mother and father had just joined the table, and were entering the conversation as well.

    “Ryan,” his mother began, pouring a glass of milk for herself. “When are you going to want to go?”

    “Hm.” he said. He hadn’t thought about when he was going to be leaving, just that he was leaving today. “I don’t know. What time should I be leaving?”

    “Well the earlier the better.” said his dad, who was stirring his coffee without paying attention to it. “You want to reach Nolan Town before sunset so that you can spend the night in the pokemon center.”

    “Yeah, and to a new trainer, Route 302 is no picnic.” said Caitlin, who was now putting away her PokePod. “Sure you don’t want me to come? Especially with your leg…”

    “I’ll be fine.” Ryan said, for what seemed like the hundredth time since just last night. “I’m ready to go anytime.”

    After breakfast, they had decided that Ryan would leave at noon. Nick and Will came over to see him one last time before he left for Nolan Town, and Nick tried to hide how jealous he was. Being the youngest of the group, he wouldn’t get to start his journey for three more months. Will, however, would be leaving in only three weeks.

    Finally the clock chimed twelve o’clock, and Ryan left his house and started towards Route 302. He heard the calls of his family and friends behind him as he hopped down the road leading to the route spanning the length to Nolan Town. He passed the Orem Town sign, and smiling, hopped through the opening in the wall of trees bordering his home. His journey had begun.

    * * *
    The first thing that struck Ryan aboute Route 302 was how different it was from Orem. There was bright blue sky above him, the sun hidden behind a patch of fluffy clouds, yet he felt as if he were in a sauna. The trees that narrowly surrounded the road seemed to retain the heat, and Ryan was sweating hard after only an hour. He had only seen a few wild pokemon so far, a Taillow, a Sentret (Which made him smile as he thought about his first battle with Caitlin), a small group of wurmple, and a very eerie Patrat. He had heard about how they stared at strangers intently, but he was unable to shake the feeling of being watched for a long time after the pokemon ducked back into the trees.

    His arms were starting to ache from the hopping on the crutches, and the cushions resting under his arms were uncomfortably soggy from his sweat. He sat down for a quick rest on a rock just off of the road, and saw a flock of Starly fly across the canopy of the trees. After a few minutes, he stood back up, wiped his forehead, and released Hydrake. He figured it would be nice to have his pokemon out to keep him company, but it kept chasing after the pokemon it saw in the trees, which were becoming more and more plentiful. At first Ryan had been worried when Hydrake disappeared, but after aboute five times of it popping out of the trees again, he let it wander freely.

    After about fifteen more minutes, Ryan reached the end of the road. A grassy field grew over the pavement, and tall bushes and flower patches grew untamed all over the ground. While it was no longer a harder impact on his crutches, he occasionally had to tug on them hard to continue moving forward. Wild pokemon were hiding in all of the tall shrubbery, and Ryan had to avoid them while trying to pass through. The sun was gradually lowering in the sky just as Ryan entered a very wide plain. The bordering trees were so distant from each other that it was impossible to see both sides at the same time.

    Hydrake appreciated the extra space, and began to run around wildly, pouncing on bushes and making the pokemon inhabitants scatter. Once Ryan saw a very large pokemon appeared, and gasped as he saw Hydrake scare the Gloom from the tall grass where it had been resting. Hydrake had breathed in some of the Sleep Powder it had emitted, but it was back to normal after a few minutes in its pokeball.

    It wasn’t until the sky was starting to look orange that Ryan realized how long he had been walking. Hydrake was finally starting to tire out from scaring the wild pokemon all day, and was merely using a Leer attack at any pokemon that came near Ryan, who it was walking next to now. Most other pokemon were starting to return to their homes at this point, and Ryan picked up the pace. The sky was now a perfect mix of blue and orange, and the clouds were starting to appear pink.

    “Come on, Hydrake. We’d better hurry.”

    Ryan, whose left leg and arms were now aching from the endless hopping, was traveling faster than he had in the last month. Hydrake was following only inches behind, and it’s middle head was whining in protest to the long trek. It’s left neck nudged Ryan’s pokeball holder, which was located just in front of his pocket on his belt, and Ryan finally returned the pokemon to its ball. Now alone, the sun setting rapidly, and Nolan Town nowhere in sight, Ryan was growing anxious.

    The sky was now the same color as Ryan’s shirt, and the clouds were a brilliant shade of pink. There was no movement in the route other than Ryan for a long time, until…

    “Ratta!” Suddenly there was a flash of purple in front of Ryan and he stopped so suddenly that he lost control of his left crutch and almost fell over. He bent over to pick it up when there were two more flashes of purple, both of which hopped over Ryan’s fallen crutch. He finally had to kneel down on his left leg to grab the crutch, but just as his hand reached the grip, there was a loud snarl and something fat and the color of sand running towards Ryan. He flinched, and fell down on the ground, both crutches out of his hands. His right leg was full of searing pain, when a heavy object fell down onto his left, a snarling laugh behind him.

    Ryan turned, and saw a very fat Raticate sitting on his leg. It’s claws were sinking into his leg, and he swatted his hand at it. It jumped back, but pounded forward and sunk it’s long yellow teeth into Ryan’s hand.

    Ryan let out a yell, and grabbed a crutch, which he swung around at the pokemon. It knocked it backwards long enough for Ryan to reach for his belt, but the Raticate lunged and Hydrake’s pokeball rolled across the grass, caught gently in a flowerbed. Two purple Rattata poked their heads out, and they pawed the pokeball into the plants.

    “No!” Ryan yelled, and he kicked the Raticate off of him. Both legs throbbing, and his left hand bleeding, he stood up supported on by his crutches and his right hand. He hopped quickly to the flowers, and stuck his hand in forhis pokeball when he felt another set of teeth bite down on him. He flicked the Rattata away, and grasped the pokeball with a sigh of relief.

    “Hydrake! Rage!”

    The pokemon popped out and was already using the attack before it landed. It raised its long necks to the sky, and pounced at Raticate. Raticate used a powerful bite attack, but that only spurred Hydrake on. It tackled the rat pokemon, and the both rolled across the grass to the flowerbed, and the Rattata dashed away into the tall grass surrounding the area. Hydrake finally managed to hop off of Rattata, and only walked a few feet before collapsing. Raticate, however, had also had enough, and was hardly making a sound as it laid on the ground.

    “That was amazing, Hydrake!” Ryan said as the pokemon disappeared into the jet of red light sprouting from the pokeball. It wasn’t a long time to celebrate the victory, though, as the next second, all of the Rattata leapt from their hiding spots at Ryan. Hydrake had fainted, so Ryan was now completely unprotected. He flinched as the Rattata ran at him, but the next thing he saw was a large leafy object jumping in front of him.

    “Power Whip!”

    Ryan couldn’t see what was happening, but he saw the large Carnivine moving, longs vines sprouting from it’s neck. The next second, it hopped aside, and Ryan saw the collapsed Rattata on the ground.

    “You’re lucky I was collecting Lum Berries out here, kid.”

    “Don’t call me kid, Xavier.”

    Xavier was looking down at Ryan with a mixed look of anger and fear. He reached out his hand to help Ryan up, which he took unhappily.

    “Okay, what is the matter with you?!” Ryan yelled, as he picked up his crutches. “You save me, give me a pokemon, and the next second you hate me.”

    “Because you broke the one rule I gave you! I told you to stay in the entrance!”

    “I did stay in the entrance!”

    “No you didn’t! You went into my closet and saw all of my trophies!”

    “No I didn’t! I just sat on the couch by the window!”

    “Then how would you know that I was Xavier?!”

    “I saw you with Fearow, Carnivine, and Magmortar!”

    All color drained from Xavier’s face. He looked over the field for quite some time before looking back at Ryan.

    “You...you just saw the three pokemon?”

    “Yes! I used to watch your battles all of the time, so I knew that you were the champion because of your pokemon!”

    Xavier waited a long time before speaking again. His wrinkled face began to shift between his conflicting emotions.

    “You stayed in the entrance?”

    “Yes! That’s what I’ve tried to tell you this whole time!”

    Finally, Xavier’s smile dipped and tears began to fill his eyes.

    “When I said I knew who you were, I didn’t know that you were ashamed of being the champion.”

    “I’m not ashamed of having been the champion.”

    “Then why are you so upset about me knowing who you are?”

    “Because I’m ashamed of…”

    “Of…” said Ryan, waiting for Xavier to tell him the answer. He was growing impatient with how long he was taking to answer.

    “Now is not the time. The point is, I thought you had broken my rule. I...I...I’m so sorry, Ryan.”

    He stuck out his hand to shake with Ryan, but he hit it away.

    “Why is now not the time. You owe me something for getting mad at me for something I didn’t do!”

    “That is...true. But I truly cannot tell you. I can tell you anything else you wish, though.”

    “I have lots of things I want to ask you, but here is my first one.” Ryan said, realizing how cheesy he was sounding. “Can...can you take me to Nolan Town?”

    “Of course.” said Xavier, and released Fearow, who was happy to see Ryan again. He stepped up onto the pokemon’s back, and said, “Climb on.”

    Ryan stepped onto Fearow’s back and sat down behind Xavier. He felt weird holding him after he had only been kind to Ryan for a minute, but grabbed on tight as Fearow shot to the sky.

    “What do you wish to ask now?” said Xavier, who somehow managed to look backwards without a fear of falling to the ground, a feat which seemed impossible to Ryan.

    “Where is Hydrake from?”

    “Well, I can tell you, but you must swear to keep it a secret.”

    “Fine.”

    “It is from a region called Ransho.”

    “Where is Ransho?”

    “Right next to Orian.”

    Ryan stared at Xavier disbelievingly. “Then why have I never heard of it before?”

    “Because, they don’t want anything from Ransho to enter Orian. There were certain...problems that rose that the Orian Government didn’t want to spread here. Ever since, the two regions have been kept separate.”

    “But Hydrake is from there?”

    “Yes. So it is not supposed to be here, so you can never say where it is from. If they ask, say it’s from...Carro.”

    “Where is Carro?”

    “It’s made-up. Just say it’s from there, and...say it’s across the sea from Unova. That’s pretty far from here.”

    “Okay. Next question. If you hated me, why did you save me.”

    “Despite any negative emotions I had about you, I was not going to let a young boy be injured even worse than he already was.”

    Ryan felt a surge of guilt take over him. Xavier, even if he had hated him, had possibly saved his life, twice.

    “Oh, also. Why did you say your name was Richard? I know you were hiding your identity, but…”

    “Richard is my middle name. I chose it because it would be easy to remember, and you probably didn’t know Xavier Earl’s middle name.”

    They started to descend towards a town that was considerably larger than Orem Town. The Pokemon Center stood right at the north face, and the Pokemon Mart stood next to it. The rest of the town was mostly houses, and a few hotels at the south, resting up against the towering mountains that border all of the south-west side of Nolan. Fearow landed gently on the yard in front of the Pokemon Center.

    When they entered, Ryan was completely immersed in the wonders of the building. The entire left side was full of rooms with nurses, Happinys, Chanseys, Blisseys, and Audinos. There was even a room with a full-grown Snorlax, which was fast asleep with a towel over it’s forehead. The right side of the center was also covered in rooms, but the rooms were full of beds, mostly filled now the sun had set for the night. Ryan was still staring around when a kind, gentle voice caught him off guard.

    “Welcome to the Nolan Pokemon Center. What services do you require?”

    A woman with pink, curly hair was smiling at Ryan and Xavier. She had a small white hat resting on her forehead with a pokeball covered with a red cross. She was standing behind a counter that was covered in computers and odd machines that whirred and buzzed.

    “We’d like to heal one of our pokemon, and also buy a room for one.” said Xavier, who didn’t appear to notice all of the things going on in the Pokemon Center.

    “How many nights?”

    “Just the one.”

    “And what pokemon would you like healed?”

    Ryan snapped out of his daze and handed the nurse the pokeball containing his Hydrake. “It’s a foreign pokemon. It’s from Carro.” he said nervously, but the nurse took the ball without worry.

    “Well, what type is it?”

    “Dragon.”

    “That’s fine then. Our medicines treat pokemon by type, so your…”

    “Hydrake.” Ryan added.

    “Hydrake will be as good as new when you awake. Nurse Joy will take you to your room. Who will be staying?”

    Ryan quickly realized that Xavier had just said a room for one. He looked up at Xavier, confused, and he answered both of them at the same time.

    “He’ll be staying the night.” he said, gesturing at Ryan. “I’m staying in my own house.”

    “Alright then. Nurse Joy!” she called, and another nurse, identical to the first, came to walk Ryan to his room. He waved a quick goodbye at Xavier, but the crowds obscured him from view.

    “Here is your room. We hope you enjoy your stay.” she said happily, and walked back to the counter. Ryan’s room was only across the ground floor, so he was sure that the sounds of the Pokemon Center would keep him up, but as he stepped through the door to his room, he was surprised to find that the rooms were perfectly sound-proof.

    Ryan reached for Hydrake out of habit, as at home he would always release Hydrake to run around before bed, but realized that it was in the hands of the nurse.

    He sat down on the bed and laid his head on the soft, fluffy pillow. He didn’t even realized how exhausted he was before he fell into a deep, comfortable sleep.
    Last edited by Devil's Apprentice; 13th August 2011 at 4:45 AM.
    CREATOR OF
    [IMG]http://i53.*******.com/9uxgy1.png[/IMG]
    Fan Fiction - Click to Goto Thread

    [IMG]http://i52.*******.com/b7cbbk.jpg[/IMG]
    10 - 13 - 11

  15. #15
    Join Date
    Mar 2011
    Location
    Canada
    Posts
    176

    Default

    Reciprocating for your review.

    Right off the bat, I get the sense of excitement you're trying to convey with the crowd. I admit I'd like to see some brief description of the stadium, the weather, or whatever, but you get the emotions across nicely enough just describing the people.
    Michael looked as if he was being forced to watch a movie all about anger for eight hours
    Not to put too fine a point on it, your similes aren't well conceived. The Chandelure earthquake one was a bit much but worked, but this one is just kind of huh?
    Gengar was shaking it’s head rapidly, trying to get Carnivine to release it’s grip
    Its grip. It's means "it is."
    The two attacks collided, resulting in a large golden explosion of water and light in the center. The effect didn’t last long, however.
    I like how you've structured things, the battle especially, but this part comes off as a little clipped. Why not something like "The two attacks collided, resulting in a short-lived golden explosion?" That says the same thing but doesn't have the unnecessary extra sentence (I've hated broken-up sentences ever since I discovered I have a tendency to write them myself).

    I can tell you really got into writing the battle scene, but perhaps it runs a bit long? The constant shocking moments when Michael unveils some new technique are Pokémon started to wear thin by the end, diminishing the excitement.

    ...Wait wait wait, the super-important-to-the-plot vaunted-as-undefeatable Champion was defeated offscreen? I can't say I see the reasoning behind this decision.

    Your paragraphs never extend beyond two sentences, which is just your style choice. I'd like to point out that this can seem to force the action into short bursts, suited well to a battle but not perhaps a trip. Don't forget you can take time out from describing what characters are doing to tell your audience about the landscape, the atmosphere, anything.

    The scene with Ryan's friends is well done, but I'd like to know a bit more about what Ryan's thinking. What are his thoughts about not being able to set out on his journey? Get inside his head!

    I'm not sure about your description of Pokémon Showdown. On one hand, it's harmless and potentially interesting; on the other, it doesn't contribute anything to the story.
    she yelled, but much more quietly.
    This tells me you need to broaden your word choice. Yelling more quietly is not quite contradictory, but it's still weird to read and you'd be better off describing it differently.

    Also, CAPS LOCK is rarely worth it. Exclamation marks, descriptive works like bellow, and (on occasion) italics work fine.
    “Of course!” yelled Caitlin, her eyes opened wide. “There must have been some closet that revealed he was Xavier, and he thought you had gone and seen it.”
    This is a bit obvious to have a character say, especially in such a straight/simple manner. What do I mean by straight/simple? Reference: "I hope this is not Chris's blood!" Anyway, just a nitpick.

    Hey, all of a sudden with Ryan setting out you begin to have longer paragraphs! Your description improves, too.
    “Why is now not the time. You owe me something for getting mad at me for something I didn’t do!”
    Missing question mark aside, this sentence starts oddly. "Why is now not the time" is a little wordy.

    You're off to a good start, even if five chapters seems like a bit much for getting there. I think you write well with some lapses in judgment here or there--we all have them! Reread as you go and afterward, and tweak what needs tweaking. There's great potential for this fic to grow, and I hope to see it do just that!

    I'd like to have gone more in-depth, but my policy is to give reviews equal in length to the ones I get, and I've already kind of broken that rule, so...
    Click to read: :daer ot kcilC

    A trilogy with action, adventure, mystery and suspense, healthy doses of humor, and a whole lot of Legendaries.

  16. #16
    Join Date
    Jul 2009
    Location
    Braven Town, Orian
    Posts
    53

    Default

    Wow, thanks! I always prefer to get longer, more in-depth reviews, they really help me improve.

    As for the Michael sentence, I realized only when you mentioned it how awkward and odd it sounded. I did get involved in the battle like you said, which was probably the reason I blanked on that.

    I'll admit - The "it's / its" thing is my main weakness (in my opinion) as a writer. While when I actually think about it, I know which is which, but when I'm writing, I just want to get all of my thoughts written, and when I proof-read, I try to see how well I convey the message, so that is something I'm trying to work on.

    The thing with the two colliding attacks, I wanted to show the effects of the different elements, so that's why I mentioned the water and lightning.

    Yes, Xavier is defeated in the background. As much as I would have liked to record the incredible defeat, the fact that it is missing is a large part of the later storyline, so I had to skip it. The battle scene is written into the story, though, just much later.

    Pokemon Showdown, much the same, is actually relatively important to the story later on. One of the problems I've found in writing Fan Fics is that you can't show everything at once, so all my miniscule-seeming things (which I love to write, as I know that they are easter eggs ) aren't proved to be important.

    As for Caitlin's obviousness, that is one of the characteristics I tried to write for her. She is based largely on my friend Caitlin (because she is like a sister to me, even though Ryan is based on my friend Jordan, though, you won't really care...), who knows full well that it is based on her. She acknowledges her bluntness, stating things others figure out. She is merely an external thinker.

    I need to add the question mark, my bad, but I said it like that because he is saying it in response to Xavier.

    "Now is not the time"
    "Why is now not the time?" he is saying what he said before, because I think that's quite a normal thing to do. It is for me and my friends, though, so I never knew it was odd. :|

    I hope this has helped clear up some of the things you mentioned. Again, I really appreciate the in-depth review.

    Devil's Apprentice
    CREATOR OF
    [IMG]http://i53.*******.com/9uxgy1.png[/IMG]
    Fan Fiction - Click to Goto Thread

    [IMG]http://i52.*******.com/b7cbbk.jpg[/IMG]
    10 - 13 - 11

  17. #17
    Join Date
    Mar 2011
    Location
    Canada
    Posts
    176

    Default

    Just to note, with the colliding attacks bit, I didn't mean you should shorten the sentence or omit anything. I meant having a separate sentence to say to say "the effect didn't last long" is unnecessary; my suggestion was just an example of how you could integrate it.
    Click to read: :daer ot kcilC

    A trilogy with action, adventure, mystery and suspense, healthy doses of humor, and a whole lot of Legendaries.

  18. #18
    Join Date
    May 2009
    Location
    Driftveil City, Unova
    Posts
    999

    Default

    I find this story very interesting but there is one thing that is bothering me.

    Why did Ryan's parents just willingly let him go off on his journey with an injured leg? I find that somewhat irresponsible since that makes him quite vulnerable as seen with him getting attacked by Rattata. Most parents I know would wait until their child was healed before letting them head off on journey with dangerous.

    Other than that that is still good.

  19. #19
    Join Date
    Jul 2009
    Location
    Braven Town, Orian
    Posts
    53

    Default

    Well, I know it's weird, but in the pokemon games the parents don't even double take when the kid says he's leaving, so I tried to stay true to that aspect as much as I could. The injured leg I tried to show was basically the best it was going to be, meaning that any waiting would be pointless. This is the main reason I made him leave about a month after his birthday.

    Devil's Apprentice
    CREATOR OF
    [IMG]http://i53.*******.com/9uxgy1.png[/IMG]
    Fan Fiction - Click to Goto Thread

    [IMG]http://i52.*******.com/b7cbbk.jpg[/IMG]
    10 - 13 - 11

  20. #20
    Join Date
    Mar 2009
    Location
    Valhalla
    Posts
    1,947

    Default

    Okay, for the review exchange, I read the opening chapter. However, I sent a PM to Draco Malfoy, I think we're supposed to read each others' fics in their entirety, and then review. I'll let you know. Either way, I picked up some weird things...

    For Michael, that punch was Fire Punch.
    Cofagrigus darkened powerfully
    First one: Cheap. Like, really, really cheap. First off, it didn't need it's own paragraph, and the wording is clunky. It simply does not flow.
    Second one: I have no idea what is happening here. "darkened powerfully" makes zero sense. If what I think is happening is happening, a better term might be "a deep darkness enveloped the cofagrigus."
    Aside from that, the battle scene was... well written. At least, the choreography of it. However, sometimes these things can get boring. What I've found is that to make a battle truly interesting, the trainers should be having some form of psychological battle. For lack of a better example, take the climax of one of my fics, League of Heroes. Cole, the protagonist, is using his Swampert and Charizard to battle Red and his pokemon. However, as the pokemon fight, Cole is shouting at Red that he is no longer the brave trainer Cole once knew, and how Red has turned into a power-hungry monster. Red shoots back that Cole can't understand what it means to be powerful, because he is blinded by his ideals, which make him weak. All this happens as a backdrop to Charizard and Swampert fighting a suicidal battle against Red's Charizard, Blastiose, Venusaur and Pikachu.
    It happens a lot in pokemon special, if you've ever read the manga. Two trainers will have their pokemon fighting, while fighting a battle of words alongside them. And in some cases, they have to get into the physical battle too, to avoid errant attacks.
    So yeah. This isn't like the anime where you can literally show two pokemon clashing, there needs to be something "else" to make it interesting to the reader.
    Finally... I found myself rolling my eyes at Michael. Seriously, a megalomaniac ghost type trainer who just speaks like a classic anime villain and uses his pokemon as tools? Who shows no compassion when they're defeated? Not much originality there... It's easy to write for people like that, but try to give them a little depth.
    3DS FC: 0748-3041-6462

    Fictionpress / Buy My Book! / Hero's Path

  21. #21
    Join Date
    Jul 2009
    Location
    Braven Town, Orian
    Posts
    53

    Default

    Okay - sorry for my absence but I was on vacation in the mediterranean and I wasn't able to be on my computer to write more to the story.

    I plan to have the next chapter up soon.

    Devil's Apprentice
    Last edited by Devil's Apprentice; 3rd September 2011 at 11:17 PM.
    CREATOR OF
    [IMG]http://i53.*******.com/9uxgy1.png[/IMG]
    Fan Fiction - Click to Goto Thread

    [IMG]http://i52.*******.com/b7cbbk.jpg[/IMG]
    10 - 13 - 11

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •