Page 3 of 6 FirstFirst 123456 LastLast
Results 51 to 75 of 127

Thread: As the World Turns Back Around

  1. #51
    Join Date
    Dec 2011
    Location
    Korin's Tower, White Forest
    Posts
    43

    Default

    Good work Glover I love your story please keep up the good work. Oh lordy someone's messing with genetics again first ex-headteamrocketscientist Blaine (who created Mewtwo) now some "random" guy that I doubt is just curious and has no evil plot. I'll shut up now so I don't start spouting off things that may contain huge plot details. Sorry for no spoiler tags but my computer doesn't want to use them.
    My Black Friend Code is 2494-8412-9545 and my name on Black is Trysten.
    This is my badge for the NCTH to earn it you have to challenge the League and defeat me in a battle. Credit goes to Glover for the badge.
    And here's the link to my fic http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthr...irth-of-a-Hero

  2. #52
    Join Date
    Jul 2011
    Location
    Gateon area, Orre
    Posts
    499

    Default

    Detours
    WT Chapter 18
    Do you guys actually read these followback links?

    "Alright, Glover. You have our bicycles out, what are you up to? Where are we going today?"

    "It's a surprise, Cayna dear. The property behind our house was acquired by me for the lab, but I wanted all of us to be able to feel safe in it."

    "So we're going back into that reserve then, Oh joy." Cayna was apparewntly less than amused at reliving the location, but I had already gotten the route home from my Blaziken, and had it mapped out in my head so that we would avoid it.

    "Relax, it'll be fine." We mounted a pair of mountain bikes and rode through the side yard.

    "I went kinda heavy with the Enigma vines back here, the heavy pepper in them keeps the reserve Pokémon from coming through the back hedge."

    "I see." Cayna really wasn't feeling any more confident that we wouldn’t have strange creatures in our backyard at night though. I pushed through the thick hedges, the tough, prickly vines, then helped her bike through them. She gave a disapproving look at the private forest behind our house.

    "Now, you're going to hate me, as I purposely laid the trails out this way, but there's an almost straight path between our house and the lab. It's straight out, over two crossings, then straight in, easy as pie. I crossed them up so that someone couldn't run right into our back porch."

    "So, in other words, you purposefully want people to get lost in this place, right dear?"

    "Only if they don't know the right clues.” I teased. “Come on, I'll show you." And with that, we rode straight through the property. I pointed out a few side trails as we went, noting their widths. “Those meant something.” I told her. “Medium width paths went back to feeders and sheds, depending on a color marked by a wind chime at the corner. A very small dot, but then, if you knew what to look for, it wasn't unnoticeable.”
    Some distance in, there was a small squeaky horn honk coming up from behind us. Jovi was head of taking care of the Pokémon, but we had several other rancher breeders underneath her. Most of them were long-term interns learning under us, and they all employed little single seat electric jeeps, slightly larger than those toy Power Wheels things but smaller than a Gator or a four wheeler. They were just as wide as the smallest of our service paths, a little narrower than the medium paths, and narrow enough they could pass at speed on the "main drag". So Cayna and I got over to the side and he carefully slipped around us, his empty feed pails rattling around in the small bed behind him.

    I glanced over, and Cay had a slight grin on her face. "Stop that," I teased, "You don't like it back here."

    She rang her bike bell at me and took off down the trail a ways, until I dove down a side path and made her think she missed a turn.

    I got slugged in the arm for that when she caught up, but it was worth it.

    We toodled up the "blue line” a ways longer, so called by the blue dots that marked the intersections. She spotted the first Windchime to mark a turn in the road. From the intersection, the path width to the left matched the one we were on and the one straight ahead. I told her though that it narrowed a bit up farther, and she agreed, looking at the dot on the crossroad side of the windchime's top.

    "Two up you said?"

    "And straight in."

    "Then I'll race you to the Lab, correct?"

    I grinned."You're on."

    We peeled out of there just as fast as we could peddle, she turned down the correct trail and could see the white building, but I had turned one trail earlier, It was a small one, rarely used and a bit overgrown, looked to me like one made by a Pokémon that hadn't been touched again, but it sufficed, however where I had built some upper body strength by working the currents with Gizmo gliding, Cayna spent much of her time on her feet, and was the better peddler, and despite me sneaking up the back way, she had just managed to get to the side of the main lab building ahead of me.

    "You're grinning." I observed.

    "I know. That was fun. And you're right, dear. I'm going to hit you again for making it so obviously complicated and subtley easy."

    "Yeah, I told you you could feel safe back here. And if you get lost, there's a bell in the wooden weight on the chimes, if you ring that, you should get someone to help you, without summoning the calvary."

    "A Pokémon, you mean."

    "No, I mean the front desk of the Lab, there's a speaker in the top, silly."

    "Glover, I hate you. Why didn't you tell me about all these little tricks when you were building them?"

    "You were too busy hating this place when I built it."

    ---
    "Ugh. They're still asleep"

    "Oh, come off it already Buzzkill, you complain because she gets up before the Sunrise, now you're complaining because she's sleeping in?"

    "It's seven am Pup, we Beedrill like regularity at least. And she didn't talk to us hardly at all last night..."

    "Hey now, you're the one who went mad psycho on the Bellsprout and got shut up in the ball.
    Tally informed him. So she has a new friend. Humans like having other Humans around that they can talk to. She seemed to like being up all night talking about boys and movies and stuff."

    "She can talk to us."

    "And we can talk to her, but that doesn't mean she can hear us."

    "Whatever, this is nonsense. And I'm going to put a stop to it.

    "Beedrill, I wouldn't"
    Castform interrupted them.

    "Yeah, stop Beedrill. Beedrill? Beedrill...

    "YEA--OOWW!" a high pitch voice screamed.

    "...Janie's not the one asleep in the tent." Tally finished her comment.

    A scream awoke Janie, who on instinct and still in her nightgown grabbed hold of a zipper, threw open her sleeping bag, and dashed immediately to the tent, flung the zipper on the front of the tent open, and found Liz swatting furiously at a yellow and black object in the fetal position with her girl scout cap. The trainer put a couple of half-asleep thoughts together, and recalled the Beedrill.

    Hat: 1, . Castform teased, Tiny: 0 Tally laughed in agreence.

    "What in the world am I going to do with you? You’re getting more and more out of control by the day!” he spoke to the Pokéball, then turned to her guest. “Sorry about that." Janie apologized profusely. "Guess it's time to get up huh?"

    Liz harrumphed, pulled an extra blanket Janie packed for winter to go over the sleeping bag, and rolled over violently. "I'll start breakfast then" Janie decided.

    She grabbed her bag out of the tent on her way out.

    Liz finally crawled out to the sound of pancakes sizzling over the fire, with little sausages cooling near it. Janie took one look at her camping partner, deduced that grizzled mop of hair and attached girl was most definitely not a morning person, and offered a glass of orange juice. It was clearly not what she was hoping for, but Janie wasn't one for coffee, and therefore didn’t have any, so it sufficed.

    There was little conversation over breakfast, but the guest was slowly waking up. "I'll be right back, Liz, gonna change into something warmer than this gown."

    "Alright... I’ll, uh, tear down the cookstove for you, yeah."

    "Morning, sleepyhead." Janie teased.

    "Shut up!"

    ---
    ..."Right, I know. Uh huh. I know, right? It's amazing! I couldn’t believe it either!..."

    "Do what now?" Janie asked, coming out of the tent. Then she saw Liz turn, the bluetooth earpiece, and figured she was on the phone. which was fine, everyone gets a phone call every now and then, right? So Janie began moving bags out of the tent, grabbed her spike hammer, and pulled up the posts holding the tent down.

    "...Wow! That's awesome! Next time you're over this way, you'll have to show me your Ledian then...." Still talking away, though Janie could have sworn to someone else, Liz came over to help fold the wire mesh tent.

    ---
    "So you're in Olivine now huh? I remember battling your Chikorita not too long ago..."

    ---
    "...That's too bad about the rain. Maybe you'll get clear skies behind it tomorrow and can do your photoshoot then?..."
    ---
    "It must be tough training in one location for so long. You're so determined. Good luck against Clair today!"
    ---
    Janie fumed. Steam blew out her ears and she curled her lip as she looked at her Herdier and Castform, and all three shared the same thought. Does she EVER shut up? How long does one have to talk on the blasted phone? Maybe it's glued to her ear or something. Janie was half tempted to let Tiny back out of his ball, see if that would get her to hang up.

    Admittedly, there's not that much she could have done to get ready, everything had to go back into Janie's bag a certain way. It wasn't an OCD thing, it had to. That's how those hammerspace backpacks worked.

    That was fine then, but Tally'd been tracing her wayward path back to the cliffs for four hours now, periodically sniffing the ground, taking a big whiff of Liz's scent to refresh her nose's memory, and she still hadn't hung up on him, her, them, whomever. Janie had never seen anyone orchestrate multiple Pokémon battles while on the phone. Her little Nidoran was pretty good at deducing her trainer's comments as to what's an attack and what's a conversation; Janie had to admit.

    "Wow." They'd reached Sheer Cliff, the eastern edge of the route. The sea and the sky were both crystalline. Many Wingull circled the area, having ridden in centuries ago on sailor's craft as pioneers of their species. They competed with locally adapted Pidgetto in racing down the sheer edges with their wings pulled back, pulling up inches from the sea with talons outstretched to nail a Goldeen or Magikarp up too close to the surface.

    "This is beautiful."

    "... I couldn't believe the quality! I told the lady "Look, I can find a much more comfortable pair of heels than you're cast steel bricks at Goodwill, and if they don't sparkle as much I can glitter them. No girl in their right mind is going to wear something that feels like a rock to a ball! And she just scoffed at me and called me a fashionless pig! ..."

    Janie grumbled and watched nature unfold. A Pidgetto had come up from a raid successfully with a large, thrashing Seaking. The exhausted bird threw Air Slash after Air Slash into its fins, unaware of someone else eying its lunch.

    The Fearow were smart, though. Why drop down from great heights and then try to lug a large fish back up from the sea, only o have to kill the meal when someone else will do it? They didn't get wet, they didn't have to labor for their meal, it was essentially a free lunch. Not seeking, or strong enough for confrontation, the Pidgetto hobbled away at the screech and shadow of a plunging vulture. No sooner did the Fearow nestle down to eat though, than another one decided to try to be cocky. The second scavenger was smaller than the first, but he was more spritely, and cocky. And in Fearow culture, cockiness counts for a lot. Soon, the two birds were off squabbling, paying little attention to the Seaking dish, or the Pidgetto who had decided that little snatches of fish meat were better than making another attempt on an empty stomach. By the time the two Fearow had wizened up, the Pidgetto had claimed a little more than twenty-five percent of its own meal and flapped off cheekily.

    "...That's where I ended up getting mine from! And they were much more suited to my dress than anything that other place had to offer...."

    "We're stopping for lunch. Tally, do you think you can find that scent again after we eat?"

    The Herdier responded with a confidant 'Ruff' and saluted with her right front paw; so Janie, Herdier, and Castform slipped down the ledges to the sea.

    "... Did you hear about that model? She ripped the train off her dress right before she went out. Couldn't stand it, couldn't walk with it! She...Hold on." Liz took the earpiece off her ear.

    "Janie? Hello? Where’d you go? Anyone?"
        Spoiler:- Breeding stuff:

  3. #53
    Join Date
    Dec 2011
    Location
    Korin's Tower, White Forest
    Posts
    43

    Default

    Great chapter I saw a couple words like to that you left of the t though that's the only thing I saw. I love Glover's ranch/lab lots of cool gadgets. ( I almost said gizmos, but I didn't want you to think I meant your Rotom, or the little Gremlin) by the way my "secret" project is almost done just finishing up the first part once the first part is done I'll send you chapter one.
    My Black Friend Code is 2494-8412-9545 and my name on Black is Trysten.
    This is my badge for the NCTH to earn it you have to challenge the League and defeat me in a battle. Credit goes to Glover for the badge.
    And here's the link to my fic http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthr...irth-of-a-Hero

  4. #54
    Join Date
    Jul 2011
    Location
    Gateon area, Orre
    Posts
    499

    Default

    Easter Eggs

    Author's Note:Consider this a gift, a spoiler of things to come. This is not the full chapter, by Serebii rules it's much too short. By looks of things, this will fall between chapter 25-30. Given the Holdiay thugh, I'd thought I'd pull it out early, and get it out of my headspace.

    Also, a few of you may be figuring out what I'm slowly building too. Or not, most of the pieces are now there, it'll just take time to bake. I'd love to read your theories though. Happy Easter!

    ---
    "Hello, welcome to the Goldenrod Daycare Gentlemen. What can I do for you?" A short, stocky, older lady looked up from behind the counter. Her bad eyesight meant that she missed a few important details, like the revolvers thw two men entered were carrying, or the floppy black hats and matching uniforms, until they were leaping across the counter and disarming her from her cane.

    Very shortly, the woman was joined by her longtime husband in the back store room. They were gagged and tied up to sturdy metal shelves. One of their assailents was studying the Pokemon they were looking after.

    "No, Capone, Madame Boss was abundantly clear: Eggs only this time, no matter how enticing they look."

    "Too bad, there's a Ninetales over there marked "do not let out with Pokemon with Dry Skin or Solar Power".

    "Well, okay. In that case, I don't think they'd miss one Pokeball. Just help me get the eggs."

    Capone dashed back out to the truck and grabbed a rolling cart with two white jackets thrown on top of it and ran back inside. His partner in crime, quie literally, had picked several colorful eggs out. A bright blue one with a black bottom and a yellow star, a cream one with a single golden oblong shape on top, an orange one that almost looked scaled, a dark green one with a creme bottom and red spots, one in green and yellow, a pink one, and an egg marked in red and blue triangles.

    Quickly, they loaded the carts and pulled over the lab coats, wheeling the egg-laden cart out to the truck. Under the guise of being contracted breeders, they moved with haste to the airport, transferred the cargo into a tilt-rotor airplane, and were not six inches off the pavement before Jenny yelled at air traffic control to shut down that plane.

    By then though, the pilot had no plans of playing it by the books, he rocketed up into the air and was soon over open water. When he landed again, it was on the flat deck of Team Rocket's Operations vessel. Safely in International Waters and nigh untouchable by authorities there, the ship lay anchor in a small reef. Dr. Nanba waited on the deck for the aircraft's arrival, he and an assistant quickly ushered the payload below decks, through long, weaving hallways, and finally into a small but functional lab area.

    "Hmm, too far along." he tagged the first one with a "Shinx" sign. "So's this Meowth egg,, and Ooh, do be sure they take good care of this one." Nanba told his pimpled assistant, barely seventeen.

    "A Magikarp?" He asked.

    "No no. It's not just a Magikarp, looka at the gene structure on this." Nanba stepped away form a high powered Xray scope. "It's a Rattlekarp. See it?"

    "Yeah, i guess. What's the big deal about a Rattled Magikarp?"

    "The Big Deal, is that they evolve into Moxie Gyrados, Watson. Gyrados that get stronger the more they destroy, and the stronger they are, the more destruction they can create. It's a vicious cycle, that when properly nutured, will make the Lake of Rage incident several years ago look like a kiddie pool. Here, take this Cyndaquil egg with you too, and the Chansey looks like it should hatch soon, the medbay will make good use of her. I've found the egg I need, right here." He picked up the white one with the red and blue markings. "Yes, it's still fresh, they must have laid it a day ago. Even still has a little of the slime from the birthing sac on it."

    "What are you going to do with that one?" Nanba's assistant asked nervously as he took the cart back out of the lab. The ship's engines started and vibrated through the floor. Soon, his task of moving the precious cargo would become a much more difficult affair as the ship moved away from the cove and into deep water.

    "Easy, I'm going to kill it."
    Last edited by Glover; 12th April 2012 at 6:17 AM.
        Spoiler:- Breeding stuff:

  5. #55
    Join Date
    Feb 2012
    Location
    I don't even know any more.
    Posts
    71

    Default

    Phew! Finally finished reading through all this >.<
    I think you need to be more careful with proofreading before you post the chapters. As the others have pointed out, you seem a bit prone to spelling mistakes.
    That aside, I love this story! Is this a sequel to other fics you've written? Just with the way that a lot of the Pokémon were introduced (I'm thinking the Rotom - sorry for forgetting the name - and Gizmo especially) it felt like we were expected to know who they were already.
    I really like the way you're taking all the different regions and combining them into one big story as well. And writing a really good story. That must not be easy at all.
    Originally Posted by Missingno. Master
    And my authorish side must tell you that logic doesn't trump diddly in this story. Klang can fart. Plain and simple.

  6. #56
    Join Date
    Jul 2011
    Location
    Gateon area, Orre
    Posts
    499

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by PhantomDragon View Post
    Phew! Finally finished reading through all this >.<
    I think you need to be more careful with proofreading before you post the chapters. As the others have pointed out, you seem a bit prone to spelling mistakes.
    That aside, I love this story! Is this a sequel to other fics you've written? Just with the way that a lot of the Pokémon were introduced (I'm thinking the Rotom - sorry for forgetting the name - and Gizmo especially) it felt like we were expected to know who they were already.
    I really like the way you're taking all the different regions and combining them into one big story as well. And writing a really good story. That must not be easy at all.
    Thanks for popping in!

    Yeah, I'm afraid I am too reliant on others for such proofing. I really do try, I tend to write sections of 1 page or two here, copy them into MS Word, go through them, write some more, repeat, then go through the whole chapter when its done and again when I'm ready to copy everything back over, but by then I know the content so well that I'm not very good at nitpicking details. Even readign the chapter backwards, so that I'm not following tangets hasn't proven the most helpful to me.

    There's only one other story,(well a few one shots that have mostly dissappeared under the rug) and while it is a prequel of sorts, there's a four year gap between then and now. What you're seeing in the beginning is most likely due to me already having known the characters. It's on my list of "Things I need to fix when I figure out how best to rewrite it." Blazi and others have suggested biographies, but I feel like those are more cop-outs than a good story, and only best in long stories for referential material.

    Essentially, world writing is more or less me carryingmultiple stories at once. TYhat's always been my beef with things though, they tend to focus on one area, and are stuck there. Always a good tory, but there is a world around us. Have fun I will when I start weaving all these little threads together.
        Spoiler:- Breeding stuff:

  7. #57
    Join Date
    Jul 2011
    Location
    Gateon area, Orre
    Posts
    499

    Default

    A Break for Lunch
    WT: Chapter 19

    Janie hadn't wanted to do this at all, but most especially, she was waiting for a moment alone. She opened the Pokéball containing Tiny. The runt-sized Beedrill looked around briefly to get his bearings on time and location. The Sun told him he'd been in there for a few hours, and that it was lunch time. The look on his trainer's face told him he was probably going to be back in it for most of the afternoon.

    "What am I going to do with you? Every day, you get more rambunctious and out of control. I get it, you're born in the wild, and I'll take your playful activity, but you can't just go and poke total strangers without hesitation! Do I have to be that trainer? I like having you guys out and with me. Until I catch a larger team, I want to keep you out for as long as I can, but you're making it awfully hard for me to trust you. Don't make me be that trainer who shuts up their Pokémon for indefinite time, please. I need to be able to trust you, alright? Now stay close, and behave, I have to go get Miss Yacksalot."

    One of the circling bird Pokémon shrieked, and Beedrill decided being very close to Janie was a good idea.

    ---
    "This is about me talking to people on the phone, all day, isn't it?" Liz looked sheepishly at her feet.

    "Yes, kinda. And no, I wasn't planning to leave you there all day, just a few minutes."

    "I'm sorry." Liz said, looking down at her feet sheepishly. The cliffs along the Route to Union Cave were only about twenty feet, quite a height for a Pidgetto trying to haul up a kill, but for two human girls, the ledges going down to the water and a narrow, rocky beach were nothing more than a short hike. "I really shouldn’t have been so insensitive to people right in front of me, especially ones taking time out of their trips to help me."

    Janie wanted nothing more than to agree. She'd quite enjoyed the prospect of having someone her age to talk to, but her upbringing told her "No, play it down, be polite" It was a stupid upbringing, Janie would continually tell herself, although deep down, this was nothing more than the beginnings of teenage rebellion.

    They reached the lapping waves and hopped across the large, jagged edges of old, fallen boulders that had broken free from mainland Johto to a large table rock. twelve feet wide of granite and it was flat enough for their needs, and also far enough out that it wasn't covered in "bird ballast" released by flying types to become lighter at takeoff.

    "Let's see, No, that's not it." Janie had sat down ad taken her bag off. With one arm shoved all the way into the only moderately sized travel bag, she rummaged carefully around for a picnic blanket. "Hmm. That's the tent groundcloth; Ah ha! Underneath the cookstove. Alright." She grasped the folded cloth and tried to slide it out from the carefully packed pile of goods that was violating the basic laws of physics by being in that backpack. fishing it to the flat cloth back of the bag, she carefully slid it up and finally pulled her arm out with a red chekerboard sheet without disrupting the natural order fo things inside. Liz and Janie hopped off the table rock with their stuff long enough for Janie to fluff it out. Sea breezes caught the big sheet several times, so the two girls leaned over the side of the table rock and wrestled several stones out of the water. One of them was rather surprised at being found, sticking its moldy yellow limbs out of the rocky shell it called home and hopping back into the shallow water with a rude "Shuckle Shuck Uck!"

    The travelers laughed at the little display. "So, I was thinking sandwiches. Any complaints?"

    "None from me." Liz replied, so Janie unzipped the top of her bag's front pocket. It was foil lined, for keeping food cold. From this cavernous pouch, she produced a resalable container of lunch meat, a small bag of bread buns, Swiss style cheese, and a container of mayonnaise, as well as a plastic container of stuff for Beedrill and a container of meat scraps and an awful smelling kibble for Tally. Castform needed little to survive being a living raincloud, water mostly.

    "Sorry, I don't have any mustard; I don't eat the stuff."

    "Mayo's fine. Thanks again for your hospitality."

    ---
    Across from the trainers sat their Pokémon. With each one so radically different in tastes, each one had a small food bowl. Liz's Nidoran shared Tally's since Liz didn't have anything with her, and once the dog had her fill, she decided to go check on Tiny, who was poking his and pushing flower petals around in a soup of honey and nectar extract. It was actually pretty good, though Janie didn't know the subtleties of each flower's taste and the meal was far from ideal, but for the large, bipedal omnivore she was she could still throw together a Beedrill-worthy lunch.

    Ever astute, Tally put her house pet senses to use and deduced immediately what was bothering Tiny. "She's right, you know." the Herdier stated, looking off to the clouds and trying to be nonchalant about it.

    "I KNOW THAT!" Beedrill retorted. "Don't you think I know that?" he stabbed a small blackberry floating in the sticky soup and fished it out, twirling some residual honey onto it. "I've screwed up, pup. Pushed my limits. For the second time in my life, I have proven to be a failure and a disgrace to my Hive; my Queen."

    He studied his little treat for a moment, before getting over his guilt enough to pop it in his mouth.

    "I wouldn't say it's that bad." Tally consoled.

    "I would, that's a cardinal sin to us. Every member has a job to do, some duty. Weedle eat and grow, and when needed the hive calls upon their string shot for repairs. Kakuna spend their time maturing and acting as guard sentries, and Beedrill handle just about everything else."

    "And when Janie caught you, you lost all that responsibility."

    "I never liked Hive structure. I understood it, but I didn't like it. I was never one of the swarm, and that unnerved my hive mates. There was so much out there; so many things I wanted to see and explore. Now I've insulted her honor and made her look bad. I don't know what to do."

    "So you pushed the envelope too far."
    Tally turned and scratched an itch with her hind leg. "Ah, much better. Sorry, but sometimes I hate being covered in fur in the Summer. So itchy." She adjusted her leg to scratch a little higher. "Ho-yeah." she cooed, finding “the spot”. "I've seen Janie much angrier than this. You need to apologize, and make amends, but you're worrying too much over nothing. tell her your sorry, make an effort to behave better, and you'll figure out where that line is. She's not against you exploring, just that you do so with respect."

    Beedril looked down at his feet. "An apology, huh? Me? An apology."

    "Sure, just go up to her, and tell her your sorry."

    "That's gonna be mighty difficult, considering the language difference."

    Tally chuckled a bit, emitting a quiet yip. "You're silly. Get her a gift then."

    "I think I'm past bribery with her."

    It was all Tally could do to suppress a deep belly laugh. "Not a bribe, a gift. I saw her once come home from school with a chocolate valentine’s rose someone had anonymously given to her. She never did figure out who it came from, and the chocolate was terrible, all dry and too sugary, like they didn't mix the batter or something, but the simple act of that given rose had her practically floating all week." Tally studied her paws. "Coincidently, even if they do tell you the Chocolate sucks, it's best not to eat a female's candy. Not that I know or anything..."

    "Hmm. That gives me an idea then, thanks 'pup, this helped a lot."

    With some renewed vigor, Beedrill placed the top on the Tupperware container of his meal, and left to explore some wildflowers growing on a ledge. These would not be for eating; he had something else in mind. Janie spotted her Herdier still working frantically at a thick, matted coat of fur, and with comb in hand; came to the rescue.
    Lunch took a bit longer than Janie had wanted. Liz had asked to play with Nidy in the water, which had turned into a training session for Janie as well, with her and Tally working on the Fang moves some more while Castform played with some wind. Janie had periodically Beedrill flitting about, but he'd been avoiding them for most of the two hours they had been by the water, and surprised her when he approached holding a wildflower pinched between his forearm stingers.

    He held it out in front of him, looking sheepish and with a slightly teary glint in his red faceted eyes. The flower was a brilliant reddish pink, with a crčme inside and a healthy green stalk. The perfume was sweet and relaxing, having gathered up the sea breezes and mixed them with the welcoming aromas that drew in bug types to spread its seeds amongst the difficult cliff faces.

    Janie took it graciously and wafted the smell again, sighing contentedly.

    "Apology accepted." She told him, and stroked his delicate head, sweeping back his antennae. It tingled, and made him slightly uncomfortable, but he reminded himself this was her way of affection, and discomfort and all, he could get used to it.

    "This is beautiful.” She picked up an old water bottle off the beach, and popped it back into a roughly original shape. Beedrill held his arms behind him and rocked in midair in a mixture of hopefulness and nerves. "And I appreciate the gesture. I do hope we can move on as a team, with you a little more reined in, but,"

    "...It’s beautiful, and it smells so lovely. I can't believe he made it without hands, it's like he crocheted the stalks together with his points or something. I could get used to apologies from Pokémon like this though..."

    Janie turned and watched Liz as she played with a flower necklace and amended the end of her last statement as she ran seawater through a mini filter and poured it into the water bottle. "But it would seem that you're already ahead of me. Thank you for being reasonable, Tiny. Now, let's say we get out of here, hmm?"

    She placed the flower in her little plastic refuse vase and tucked it into a side pocket of her backpack with the last of her things. She tapped Liz on the shoulder, and pointed back up towards the road.

    "...I need to go, Ethan. I'll call you back. Have fun in Unova! I know, g'bye."

    ---
    The two girls pushed through the tall grass together, laughing their young heads off and passing three more hours. Janie was red in the face, trying to catch her breath. "Oh, that that Williams, he always makes the funniest movies."

    Before Liz could respond, Tally barked excitedly. "My camp!" The picknicker exclaimed. She started to run forward, but Janie caught a shadow duck around back and she grabbed Liz's arm with one hand and held the other up to her lips, before pointing to a large, round, brown furry tail and two big legs sticking out of the tent. Before the two could duck down, a pair of smaller versions popped, curious about new smells in the area. The sunlight was just starting to drop now, and their yellow cresented foreheads were beginning to shine They put their hands instinctively up to their mouths, lapping off the sweet syrupy candy the little cubs lived off of and for; looking dead into the two girls eyes.

    "Teddi?"

    on to Chapter 20, Please, Don't Feed the Bears"
    Last edited by Glover; 22nd May 2012 at 8:36 PM.
        Spoiler:- Breeding stuff:

  8. #58
    Join Date
    Aug 2009
    Location
    Mt. Chimney
    Posts
    204

    Default

    [I]"I think I'm past bribery with her."[
    You need the rest of the italicizing code thingy.

    Nice chapter. I really like how you captured Tally and Tiny's conversation and how Ethan was mentioned about being in Unova.
    Friend safari:

    The Userbar was made by Brutaka

  9. #59
    Join Date
    Feb 2012
    Location
    I don't even know any more.
    Posts
    71

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Glover View Post

    to a large table rock. Twelve feet wide of granite

    Janie had sat down and taken her bag off.

    Fishing it to the flat cloth back of the bag

    disrupting the natural order of things inside.
    I've bolded and underlined corrections that I found.
    Cool chapter, and I liked that we got to see what Tiny's personality is actually like, as well as the side of him that goes "KILL ALL LIVING THINGS". The conversation between him and Tally was well structured in my opinion and the transition from Janie and Liza to them was nice and smooth as well.
    But Teddiursa? Big trouble lies ahead, methinks.
    Originally Posted by Missingno. Master
    And my authorish side must tell you that logic doesn't trump diddly in this story. Klang can fart. Plain and simple.

  10. #60
    Join Date
    Jul 2011
    Location
    Gateon area, Orre
    Posts
    499

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by PhantomDragon View Post
    I've bolded and underlined corrections that I found.
    Cool chapter, and I liked that we got to see what Tiny's personality is actually like, as well as the side of him that goes "KILL ALL LIVING THINGS". The conversation between him and Tally was well structured in my opinion and the transition from Janie and Liza to them was nice and smooth as well.
    But Teddiursa? Big trouble lies ahead, methinks.
    Fixed. (As well as a few others) Thanks for calling those out.

    Liz, technically, as in Picknicker Liz, the girl from the route in the games who's too busy staring at a rock to lock eyes with you and battle. but remember you said Liza because she's in the next chapter. Fruedian?

    And oh yes, much bigger things loom than Teddiursa in a chapter entitled "Please, Don't Feed the Bears"
        Spoiler:- Breeding stuff:

  11. #61
    Join Date
    Feb 2012
    Location
    I don't even know any more.
    Posts
    71

    Default

    Liz, technically, as in Picknicker Liz, the girl from the route in the games who's too busy staring at a rock to lock eyes with you and battle. but remember you said Liza because she's in the next chapter. Fruedian?
    *is confused* I'm not quite sure what you mean here. That was actually just me forgetting what her name was. Sorry about that. I think I do vaguely remember her from Heartgold.
    Originally Posted by Missingno. Master
    And my authorish side must tell you that logic doesn't trump diddly in this story. Klang can fart. Plain and simple.

  12. #62
    Join Date
    Jul 2011
    Location
    Gateon area, Orre
    Posts
    499

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by PhantomDragon View Post
    *is confused* I'm not quite sure what you mean here. That was actually just me forgetting what her name was. Sorry about that. I think I do vaguely remember her from Heartgold.
    I just find it interesting the name you pulled by mistake considering I'm using it next chapter. Which reminds me, I need to get on that one, get soem things overhualled.
        Spoiler:- Breeding stuff:

  13. #63
    Join Date
    Jul 2011
    Location
    Gateon area, Orre
    Posts
    499

    Default

    A bit of an update. Everything was going swimmingly, and then I reopened the latest chapter, that should have gone up last week, and gave into misgivings. I liked what it did, just not how it did it, if that makes any sense, so I halted prgress, trashed the chapter, and setabout rewriting it at the last minute. Bad idea from a publishing standpoint, good for quslity. I hope. The bad news, life so far has kept me from refinishing, and it now sits a little better than half finished. Restasured, I haven't abandoned it, it just isn't done anymore. Such is life, I guess.
        Spoiler:- Breeding stuff:

  14. #64
    Join Date
    Feb 2012
    Location
    I don't even know any more.
    Posts
    71

    Default

    Glad that you haven't forgotten about it, at least.
    Originally Posted by Missingno. Master
    And my authorish side must tell you that logic doesn't trump diddly in this story. Klang can fart. Plain and simple.

  15. #65
    Join Date
    Jul 2011
    Location
    Gateon area, Orre
    Posts
    499

    Default

        Spoiler:- undefined:
        Spoiler:- Breeding stuff:

  16. #66
    Join Date
    Jul 2011
    Location
    Gateon area, Orre
    Posts
    499

    Default

    *Whew* FInally, now I can get going on gCH21. Chapter 20 is off to Beta, I'm enlisting special help to make sure nothing degraded from my lack of patience with this chapter, make sure nothing got rushed through to get going, so expect a tardy update hopefully sometme this week.
        Spoiler:- Breeding stuff:

  17. #67
    Join Date
    Jul 2011
    Location
    Gateon area, Orre
    Posts
    499

    Default

    FINALLY! Thanks especially to Sidewinder who volunteered himself via PM to help me with this chapter!
    Shameless plug for his fic:http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthr...equiem-(PG-13)
    ================================================== ===========================
    "Please, Don't Feed the Bears"
    WT: Chapter 20

    Back to "A Break for Lunch"

    "Crap."

    "What you said, Janie."

    "Maybe, if we back slowly away now, very slowly..."

    Liz took one step, and crunched a twig.

    "URSA!!! URSA TEDDI TEDDIURSA!!" The two cubs wailed.

    "And now we run."

    Liz made her agreence known by turning on her heels and scooping up Nidy. Janie wasn't too far behind her, with Tally obediently by her side, Tiny and Castform to either shoulder in the air and the egg canister on straps on Janie's back, safely padded from being bounced around.

    The girls didn't get far though. At the sound of her cubs' wail, a large shape shifted around inside Liz's tent. It had found something sweet tucked beside a white fluffy thing that smelled of Far-Fetch'd and was contentedly snacking. Fearing the worst, that something had come for her two babies, she went wasted no time clawing through the tent to her full height. She immediately spotted the two presumed assailants and grabbed something heavy to throw.

    Janie felt a previously unknown instinct fire. She felt the projectile's approach without seeing it, and half-shoved and half-tackled Liz to the ground, barely clearing the cooking pot turned Rock Throw. It bought the mother Ursaring all the time she needed, she was quickly on the girls with her next attack. Janie rolled to the side, landing between the Ursaring's two glowing arms as they hurled chunks of earth into the air from their missed hits.

    The Ursaring howled in rage and pain, and looked up just in time to be blasted in the muzzle with a wave of cold. She hobbled backwards, trying to clear the frost from her vision and get her targets back in sight. Janie took that time to push her self reflexively back up and hauled Liz to her feet.

    "My turn!" Tiny called to the little grey cloud.

    "You go get her!"

    The grizzly finally got her vision refocused, but the gray thing that had attacked her directly was gone, instead replaced by an all too familiar yellow and black shape making faces and blowing raspberries at her. She had had experience with this creature before.

    "Nyah-Nayh! Phht!"

    Ursaring roared her defiance, scaring the Beedrill back to his trainer.

    "Heh, on second thought, maybe I'll leave the actual battling to Pokémon with gym experience."

    "Scaredeycat" Tally teased.

    "My those are, BIG tonsils, and what lovely teeth she has."

    The Ursaring was quite shocked. Her feral cry usually had more effect. It usually plucked at the heart of her target's soul, turning it inside out and reducing them to that strange matter energy state. What trickery had been done to her? It didn't matter though; she fired up another Hammer Arm and lunged at her targets. If she couldn’t send them fleeing, from their trainers’ sides, she’d just smash them instead.

    Tally moved with the voices of her ancestors. Centuries of herding Tauros and Miltank had given the herding a playbook of how to route a charging creature. Flicking her back legs and springing from the ground into a sprint, the dog wove through the Ursaring's legs. The furious bear stumbled about in her trajectory, buying Janie and Liz enough time to side step. Her attack sailed on into an old oak, splintering the wood. Ripping her paw out of the tree, she howled many defiant phrases and turned to charge again.

    "Blind her again, Cassie!" Janie called. The mother continued her barreling charge towards the trainers and the unknown cloud thing. It blew cold air at her again, clearly hoping she wasn't smart enough for the same ploy twice, but she was. The bear flailed her arm in front of her.

    "Just as I had hoped." She heard Janie say. Moments after, her arm connected to the cloud's soft, rubbery body, but it was only then that she noticed the Hammer Arm's regular protective outer energy was strangely absent. Lacking the barrier, she too felt the impact of the hit.

    This failure only made the bear more angry, sending her deeper into a rage born of protection; egged on by a Beedrill's taunting comments and the tormentive nature of the battle.

    "Good! Now Nidy, blast her!"

    The bear whirled around to find her next opponent quickly. A small blue rabbit creature hopped to the fore, and with its back bristling. The rabbit growled softly, arching her back and grimacing to appear more menacing than she was.

    "No! Wait!" Janie exclaimed,

    …It quickly loosed a barrage of glowing purple barbs.

    "RRAAGH!!!!" They'd buried themselves into her face, around her eyes and into her snout. With blinding speed, she snatched the still dazed cloud out of the air and spiked it into the little blue pest. The two Pokemon slammed into each other and bounced away, their actions causing more damage than they had just recieved. This bear had passed anger now, her rage was building, and the two humans had caused it.

    "RRAAGH!!!!" She roared triumphantly, thumping her chest like a Primeape.

    "Shit." Janie said, then feeling the cold stare from thousands of miles away from her parents for swearing. "I was afraid of that."

    "Of what, Janie?"

    The bear was all but frothing at the mouth, big bloodshot red glowing eyes the color of a Pokéball recall beam. She turned and charged the humans with murdurous rage and the acceleration of a freight train. She sprinted forward with a gallop, small stones around Janie's feet jumping up with each thunderous step.

    "Run first!" Janie yelled.

    The Ursaring was too far from Tally, Tiny saw no choice, he had to get back involved. He shoved himself up and over Janie's shoulders to psyche himself up and add dramatic effect, vaulting over her right side. As he rushed towards the Ursaring, he spat a strange purple liquid onto his two spikes and buried them into her diaghram, one then the other in a quick double gut punch.

    She doubled over, narrowly missing the opportunity to crush Tiny with her midsection. The toxic adrenaline that had sped her up felt like it was burning now, the sensation radiating from the stab wound and whatever mix the Beedrill had inserted into her.

    She wasn't in a good position to get up, but she still had plenty of fight. She grabbed a handful of mud and flung it at Tiny.

    Phht!" The first one went wide. She tried a second handful.

    "Missed me!" he taunted again. So she tried again.

    "Missed again!"

    PHWAM!

    "You alright, Tiny?"

    "Shuddup, pup. Oof."

    Ma'am Grizzly was back on her feet. Proving quite hard to take down, too. Tally lowered her head, put one shoulder forward, and stepped on the gas, slamming her full weight into the Ursaring's midsection. On top of the bear, Tally clamped a jaw around her throat and lit it on fire.

    ---
    On the other side of the field, Liz made a run for her camp. The two cubs made intimidating stances, but they'd never been in a fight before in their lives. Liz snarled loud and ferociously, and they split, hiding behind a tree and eyeing her carefully. She turned the corner of her camp and slid inside. The tarp, her sleeping bag, everything was ripped and wet. The contents of her bag were already dumped on the tent's floor, though it made rooting around easier for her. She emerged clutching a belt given to her by Virgil, who was now training south of Blackthorn with his fighting types.

    She looked up and saw Tally be grabbed by the Ursaring. Six feet of bear pulled a somersault from a standstill and pounded the dog into the ground with two huge paws. Tally was choking. With no air to sustain her fire and no air to breathe, she was in deep trouble. Liz bolted around the field.

    "TEDDI!!" the cubs called a warning, but the Picnicker was already in the air. She threw her short legs around the Ursaring's midsection, and pulled the belt around the bear's neck and pulled the collar as tight as she could. The Ursaring grabbed her arm and flung her like a ragdoll. Liz yelled asa sickening crunching sound echoed from her arm.

    Something thick bounced off the Ursaring’s skull. Next to it was a rock. The other human was fingering another similarly sized one like a pitcher.

    "Yo!" She teased, having recognized what the item was. "Someone your own size, Mamma."

    The Ursaring dodged the second projectile easily, disregarded Liz for the moment, and charged Janie. With one arm, she swept the trainer to the ground, but the athletic girl was able to miss the first close combat blow buy rolling onto her side.

    And then the collar lit up with a strange magic.

    The second blow landed with even more power, grazing Janie's back and sending a chill up her spine. Mamma Ursaring went to finsh the blow by coupling her hands into a powerful Brick Break to circumvent the Taunt that was in play, but the collar shocked her and tightened itself. Her hands released and she reached for the choker to pull it loose, but trapped in a Rage, bound by Taunt, Torment, and now a Choice Band, all she could do was struggle with the cursed cloth object. She flailed and rolled around on the ground, stretching it violently but not getting it to snap. As she rolled away, the ground shook as she pounded the ground in frustration.

    And then she disappeared. Panting, exhausted, Janie watched the Great Ball she'd found in the road shake once, but it exploded back open into six pieces. Snarling Bear lunged at the trainer, but was again choked by the Choice Band. She fell to the ground, wrestling and throwing every Ursaring swear word to the wind, that she'd kill whatever Mismagius-born thing had stitched this infernal trap.

    Janie dug in her bag, frantically digging for something that would help. She had only one Great Ball left, she hadn't the badges to earn anything from the stores.

    "...Janie," Liz yelled through the pain of her shattered arm. "The cubs..."

    "Of course!"

    A Pokéball flew straight and true. It went wide of the Ursaring, and the bear snickered at the poor aim amongst her struggles.

    "Teddi!" The target yelped before it vanished.

    "Ursa?" The other cub's eyes watered, it's sister was gone. "Teddi? Teddiursa! Teddi!!!" it began to cry. Unaware of Pokéballs, the first cub didn't know to resist--didn't know how too-- and the ball dinged almost immediately.

    That turned the Ursaring's rage up about three notches. She momentarily abandoned the impromptu shock collar and threw out her arm. She tried to block the second ball that flew, but it skipped off her claw and found its mark.

    That was all the motivation the Ursaring needed. magical energy exploded as the Choice Band ripped into shreds. She rushed to the Pokéballs, but the dog from before leapt over them, snarling and barking a storm. The Beedrill limped up behind her, striking as mean a pose as he could.

    "Surrender." The Human said, closing in on the Ursaring. "Join them, no harm will come. I just wanted to find my friend's camp."

    "GNAHH!!" The bear snapped. Janie took a defensive step back, but showed no sign of actual fear. More of a short-temper, of frustration, and a lack of patience.

    The bear reached out. She was inches from Janie's throat. So small, the bear noted, such a frail thing, she could snap it easily. But she couldn't leave her cubs in the defenseless state, if she went after the human, no doubt the Dog would do something wretched like carry them to the river and let the Pokéballs float away.

    He outstretched paws began to quiver...

    She wanted nothing more than to kill, to have her cubs free. She knew trainers, even if they didn't...

    This one was different. A protective spirit.

    The Ursaring crumpled to the ground. She had no more energy left, sapped by the poison and her Struggle with the collar. She looked up at Janie with an evil, begging glare that said "Just do it already.".

    The Great Ball was tapped lightly to her head. It rocked three times, dinged, and then owing to the cubs being Janie's fifth and sixth, shrank itself tight. "Janie?" The Picnicker moaned, trying to sit up without using her right arm. "Is it over?"

    "Sure is." She said, slumped to the ground trying to catch her breath. In front of her sat the occupied Great Ball.

    "Good. GAY-AH! GOD DAMMIT OWW! MOTHERFUNH!!!" Liz curled her lip, trying to calm herself. That instinct from before fired again within Janie. "You aren't done yet" a subconscious voice told her. She pulled herself to her feet quickly, snatching the Great Ball from the ground.

    "Sling. Sling, I need a sling." Janie dug through her backpack, pulling a million odds-and-ends out digging for medical supplies. "Ah, I'll need the herbal ointment too. Some medical tape. Sling...sling... Ah-ha!" Tally plodded over beside her, and dropped the two Teddiursa Pokéballs beside her.

    "Thanks Tally." She said, rubbing the Herdier's flanks down.

    "Ruff!"

    She wiped down the slimy Pokéballs and slipped them in the front pocket with the Ursaring. She figured tight proximity sensors would keep the two Teddiursa balls from opening accidently being in her bag. Then she scooped up a pile of medical supplies and dashed exhaustedly over to Liz's side.

    "Drink this. It tastes horrible."

    "Okay." Liz took the strange green liquid Janie offered her. "Psshhh! Blegh! What is that? Motor oil?"

    "Dad says it helps with healing, said I had to pack it. Better you than me." She teased.

    "Now I'm going to rub a cream into your arm."

    "My BROKEN arm?"

    "That'd be the one." Janie seized her wrist with one hand and pinned it with her leg.

    "AH-OW! STOP! DAMMIT THAT HURTS!"

    "Sorry, I have to get the cream worked in. It'll numb ya and provide some nutrients, but only if you'll stop squirming. There, now we just gotta tape you up."

    "You act like you know what you're doing. Are your folks doctors?"

    "Nah, I just broke myself enough times to get the hang of it. Hold still."

    "What did you d- EYYAGH!!"

    "Too tight?"

    "YES!"

    "Good, we don't want that moving."

    "You're enjoying causing me pain..."

    "Maybe..." Janie said innocently. While she was cutting the sides out of a plastic bag to make an arm sling, there was a rustle above the treeline. Liz spotted it first, a Charizard with a pink bow. On its back was a green-haired trainer, sporting a red and brown ensamble. The Charizard dipped its wings in acknowledgement of the two girls below and swooped down.

    "You two alright?"

    "NO!"

    "Yeah, we're fine." Janie answered back. The Charizard looked back at its trainer slightly confused. the trainer said something too quiet for Janie to catch, and then landed.

    Liz's eyes went wide. "You... you're Liza! The Liza! And that must be Charla then! OMG this is so awesome!"

    "I'm sorry, who?"

    Liz shot Janie one of those "What, do you live under a rock?" looks, then remembered she was from Orre, essentially the same thing. Liza seemed to be relieved though that she wasn't quite the household celebrity though.

    "Liza. I look after the Charizard that congregate near here, and send the few trainer Pokemon when they're needed." She offered her hand, which Janie took.

    "Ah. Okay, I didn't realize that was near here. I'm Janie. Dad considered sending his Charizard to you, but the big Lizard fell in love before he could look further in it."

    "That's sweet. Good for him. Or her, I suppose."

    Charla cleared her throat. She'd been studying the marks in the ground closely.

    "Oh yes, I was wanting to ask, what happened here?"

    "An Ursaring, that's what!" Liz snapped. "Trashed my camp but good."

    "A mother and two cubs? Young, tattle on you when you try to sneak up on their mother?"

    "Yep. That'd be them."

    Liza and Charla looked at each other and grinned devilishly. "At last, we've found her." they thought to each other.

    "Which way did they go?"

    "Oh, they're over there, in my bag." Janie said.

    "...What?"

    "Front pocket. Two Pokeballs and a Great Ball."

    "You're lying."

    "You don't believe me? Don't think I'm good enough to catch them?"

    "No." The Charizard trainer said hautilly. "Actually, I don't. Forest Patrol has been hunting her for weeks. She's overpowered Ultra Balls, Dusk Balls, shattered multiple Stylers..."

    "Capture Stylers?" Janie asked. "You mean the Ranger Union's involved?"

    "Yes. I've been assisting where and when I can. So you see why I don't believe you."

    "Not really, no. Unfortunately, she's my seventh, We had to catch the cubs to coax her in, and even then we couldn't do that until she was exhausted, so I can’t really show you, and I’m not sure I could recall her anyway after I let her back out."

    "You must be a strong trainer then if you were able to outlast her. We believe she came down from Mt. Silver, possibly a trainer’s released Pokémon."

    "Not really, Liz there got a Choice Band around her neck,"

    "That's how this happened." Liz nodded to her broken arm.

    "...My Beedrill over there licking his wounds with pride trapped her into a Taunt, and then we left her to her Struggling and the poison."

    "You POISONED her? Weren't you aware of..."

    "Quick Feet or Guts? Yeah, it was an accident."

    "My fault." Liz said sheepily. "All I had was Nidoran."

    "Don't worry about it, it all paid off."

    Liza shrugged. "I'm impressed, if this is true. Still, I’m not sure I can just turn this over. Do you seriously think you can control her?"

    "Heck no!" Janie admitted. "But I know the rancher very well, and when I'm ready to try it, I'm pretty sure she'll be calmer too."

    "Well, at least you know you're limits. Hmm. I need to make a call with the Rangers and find out, but I have a feeling I need to supervise this transaction…”

    ---
    "Have you got everything? I'd like to get to the Valley by nightfall, you know."

    "Yeah, I think so. You ready Janie?"

    "Not really, Liz. Are you sure you just want us to burn everything?"

    "What else can I do? My tent, my sleeping bag, my picnic basket, everything is either ripped to shreds or soaked in bear pee and Arceus knows what else, because I sure don't wanna know.”

    "Well, alright. Tally's got the pit dug out, Let's shove everything in there."

    "Charla will do the honors for you, since she's got more gas to light it than you're little Castform." Cassie looked at the Charizard and blew her a raspberry. "Can we hurry it up though?"

    Onwards!
    Last edited by Glover; 27th May 2012 at 3:03 AM.
        Spoiler:- Breeding stuff:

  18. #68
    Join Date
    Feb 2012
    Location
    I don't even know any more.
    Posts
    71

    Default

    Huzzah! You finally got round to rewriting this! And kudos to Sidewinder for the help as well.

    Right, well, I went through just over half of this and picked out typos and some areas which I feel could really be worded a bit better. I'll try and go through the rest of the chapter when I get time, but revision beckons, so sorry about that.


        Spoiler:- typos and phrasing stuff:
    Originally Posted by Missingno. Master
    And my authorish side must tell you that logic doesn't trump diddly in this story. Klang can fart. Plain and simple.

  19. #69
    Join Date
    Jul 2011
    Location
    Gateon area, Orre
    Posts
    499

    Default

    Aww, so much for feeling confident in the spell-check and third proofing. But hey, that's why I'm learning!

    Fixed.
    Fixed.
    Fixed.
    Fixed.

    I don't think you need to tell us that she spiked it into the ground. Just that she hit the Nidoran with it (poor Nidoran )
    Castform says " Yeah, I'm alright too. Thanks for your concern..." She also said that it's going to be REALLY sunny in "I don't even know any more."land... You might wanna be careful tomorrow...
    Fixed.

    Fixed. Being fair though, I think that was a passage that Sidey suggested, so I blame him for the error. :-)

    Fixed*5

    OK, don't get me wrong, I actually really like this passage. I think you described the frustration of the Ursaring and its feelings about the Choice Band very well. The problem is that it's really unclear as to when the viewpoint switches from Janie to the Ursaring to Janie again, as you have the switches in the same paragraph. Reading this for the first time, I thought that Janie had some mysterious ability to turn into an Ursaring. Making POV switches fluid is good, but here they're so fluid that it's difficult to actually notice them.
    You know, I should have taken my own advice. I made a comment to myself about this being a very female heavy chapter, and that there were a lot of "Her"s running around, probably should've taken that as a sign.

    The second blow landed with even more power, grazing Janie's back and sending a chill up her spine. She went to finsh the blow by coupling her hands into a powerful Brick Break
    I'm thinkin that's probably the big lynchpin in POV right there. Might be a few others, I'm a bit biased seeing as how I can see the friggin' movie for this in my head, though.
        Spoiler:- Breeding stuff:

  20. #70
    Join Date
    Jul 2011
    Location
    Gateon area, Orre
    Posts
    499

    Default

    Union Break
    WT:CH 21
    Back to Chapter 20, Please Don't Feed the Bears

    Liza shouted something from Charla's back, but the wind carried it off. Both girls looked at her puzzled, so she pointed down. A church bell tower stuck up from the tree line, the farthest northern marker of the clearing that was Union Town. It was a sleepy little town, lost in time, out of date but too stubborn to go away. At one time, it was a transfer hub, a port town, and a gateway. Freight either came in there, went around the peninsula to Goldenrod, or went further north to a port near Cherrygrove City. Cherrygrove ultimately won out, and thanks to the first railroads speeding up freight moving into Azalea and outlying smaller farm and lumber communities, Union Town gradually slipped into a holding pattern as a historic community, clustered around Pokémon Trainers on their way to Azalea.

    This, was Union Town, Liz's home.

    She'd never seen it from the air before, it was breathtaking.

    It was simply amazing to Janie how smooth Liza's Charizard could handle herself overweight and probably dog tired. Obviously, Charla had been a faithful companion for quite a while, and Liza must be an awesome breeder to look after all of those Charizard.

    Then Janie’s thoughts wandered to the Breeder back home. "Jovi will be ecstatic to see these." She said to herself. It was funny. On a Charizard’s back with two other people, and she was basically alone with no one to talk to. Liz was caught between a number of emotions: she was frustrated at the loss of her belongings, in pain, mad at herself, sad that Nidy got hurt, though not truly seriously enough to warrant any real panic, and upset that she was going through all of this in front of her new friend. Worse than that, Janie didn't know what to say to make it better, so there really wasn't much said on the short flight between Liz's camp and Union Town, Janie instead stared at and studied the top of the egg container.

    Charla banked for a spiral decent, languid enough to not tip everyone off, but with enough haste as to get Liz quickly into a hospital. After all, her broken arm was being supported by a plastic bag for a sling and some medical tape. Her parents were waiting for them at the entrance when they landed, and both girls were separated by the Clinic doctors rushing them to different rooms. Janie managed to collect a few stitches, but was out much more quickly than Liz was. Liza was waiting by the door, impatently tapping her foot and atudying a wall clock.

    "Now Janie, about those Pokémon..."

    ---
    "Jovi! It's wonderful to see your face again! How are you?"

    "Not too bad, considering, I guess. Good to see you Janie. What on earth happened to you? You look like you got mauled by a bear. And then spat back out."

    "Funny story. Let's just say I'm officially sworn off of Winnie the Pooh for a while, okay?"

    ”Oh dear, you be careful out there, you can’t catch anything for me when you’re broken. You're calling because you're just flooded with Pokéballs and you need your extraordinary almost sister's help to count them all, right?"

    "Sorta, yah."

    "Awesome! I knew you'd be incredible! Now don't you worry, I'll be sure to take good care of them!"

    "Jovi..."

    "When you see them next, you’ll be sure to have a war machine on your hands thanks to me."

    "Ah-hem" Janie could feel the Charizard tamer's eyes searing into the back of her skull.

    "No one will be able to stand in your way, Janie, not even your father."

    "Yes, well. I'm sure that's all quite nice. Now, can I speak to the Professor in charge of the Pokémon?" Liza butted in.

    "Janie? Who's your friend?"

    "This is Liza. She's from someplace called the Charicific Valley. It's near here I guess."

    "Ah, okay. Read about it when I was studying with Mom.” Jovi recalled. A pleasure to make your acquaintance then. I'm sorry I didn't recognize you sooner."

    "Fine, fine. I have to get back, now please, I wish to speak to the Professor in charge of Pokémon care about Janie's Pokémon."

    "Professor Crane doesn't handle Pokémon care. I do."

    Liza snorted. "You!?"

    "Yes, me. You got a problem with that, lady?"

    "Honestly, yes. I thought this was a certified League faciltiy."

    "We ARE a certified facility. I was given my certification two years ago on behalf of the League. Recommended by Glover, current appointed champion to the Orre region and evaluated by Inspector Nia Joy of the International League. You wanna see my certification? Bend over and I'll see about shov-"

    "Jovi!"

    Sorry, Janie, you didn't want to hear that, did you…"

    "No."

    "And neither did I. This Ursaring she helped apprehend is too much, I refuse to trust it with an immature toddler in overalls. So either let me speak to someone who's actually responsible, or I take these Pokémon with me to the Safari Warden.

    Jovi made several grimacing faces, choking on the things she wanted to say and figured it was best she didn’t.

    “Jovi, wait!”

    “What is it, Janie?”

    She pointed to the bruising around her face. “ Do you really think I’m presentable to a parent?”

    "Hmm." Jovi thought for a moment. "No, you're not."

    Liza let out a very heavy sigh. One that said Would you quit stalling already! very plainly, without saying anything at all.

    "Tell him, tell him I'm still getting unpacked into a room or something."

    "Will do."

    "Whatever. Let's just get this done."

    ---
    "I'm sorry, she what?"

    "It's like I told you, she took down a very dangerous animal, protecting a friend at the same time. I trust these will be in good hands?"

    "Oh, believe me, she won't be getting these for a VERY long time, rest assured of that."

    "Finally" Liza muttered. "Very good, thank you Mr. Glover. And next time, tell your assistant to not waste my time."

    Liza hung up before I had a chance to ask her what she meant. "Assistant?"

    ---
    "Don’t worry, Ms. Joy, Janie here won't be needing a room tonight."

    "I won't, Liz?"

    "Nope, you're staying with us."

    "I am?"

    "Of course, silly! My folks won't have it any other way. Would you rather stay in this hostel?"

    "Well, no, not really. I just don't want to be a bother, is all."

    "A bother? After all you've done for me?"

    "Well, I've still got some training to do, and I need to talk to my Dad, and..."

    "Trust me, Janie, you'll be fine. If you want, you can help Mom with the Oddish problem we have."

    "Oddish problem?"

    "We seem to be overrun with 'em. They like our vegetable garden. C’mon! My folks are outside, let’s go!"
    ---
    Liz's house wasn't too far from the Pokemon Center. In fact, most things weren't far from the Pokemon Center, given the size of the town and the fact that the center was the only draw left for the town.

    Janie'd gotten to know Mr. and Mrs. Racine pretty quickly. They reminded her of her own parents; quietly scolding Liz for getting injured, outwardly smiling and incorporating Janie into their little family structure.

    "You poor thing" Liz's mom had coddled over Janie several times.

    "No, really I'm fine. Just some scrapes and bruising. I'll be okay."

    "You look horrible. Come, when we get home, I'm going to get you some makeup so we can touch you up, get you looking pretty again."

    "Why, so you can throw me a parade for saving your daughter?" Janie said sarcastically, snickering under her breath at the unheard joke.

    "Home sweet home." Liz said happily. Nidy yipped on her shoulder, leaping onto the mailbox, down into a bush, and past a white picket fence. She sprinted to a white porch on a matching white house with pink trim. It looked a little too well manicured to Janie.

    "Dad's a landscaper. He and his Roserade and Breloom keep our yard looking nice."

    "Of course he is."

    "Now, when we get inside, Janie, I want to get you cleaned up."

    "I'm fine, Mrs. Racine, really. I juat want to get some training in before the sun drops. Big match in Azalea and I'm pretty sure there will be some airborne Pokemon."

    "Now now, little lady, you brought our daughter safely home to us." Mr Racine affirmed. "We'll not take no for an answer."

    "Maybe I should've stayed at the Center..." Janie curled her lip, she was probably goign to regret opening her mouth. "I don't mean to be ungrateful, but I'm fine. I have a gym battle in Azalea soon, and I want to get some training in before the sun drops. If you still want to doll me up, can we at least wait until then?"

    "Well, I suppose that's a fair request."

    "Thank you!" Now up to the house themselves, Janie threw her bag into a porch swing, setting the egg carrier next to it gingerly. She drew out her Pokéballs, since Nurse Joy had put them back in at the Center when Janie first arrived.

    "Alright Tiny, This is your moment of truth!"

    "You'll let me fight in the gym?" He rubbed his hand stingers together excitedly.

    "You're a bug type, and that's what Bugsy uses. I need you to show me what tricks he might have up his sleeve. Show me what’cha got.”

    "I'm the guinea pig. Oh, joy. Did you say his name is Bugsy?"

    "Yes, yes she did." Tally answered. Tiny went into a fit of hysterical laughter, rolling around in the air trying to control himself. Janie looked at Tally, who looked back at her and shrugged her furry front shoulders.

    "...Bugsy..." Tiny snorted, coming off his fit. "Ho, that's a good one. What'll they think of next? Watson the eletric gym leader?" Tiny snickered at his little comment. Then he made a waving motion. One a performer might do to calm down an audience.

    "Alright, watch closely." he twirled his right stinger around as a magician would readying a trick. He bowed, and two dozen Beedrill appeared from a Double Team beside him, all bowing in a stage line.

    "So that's how a Beedril swarm looks so intimidating."

    "One of the ways." The swarm of Tinys answered.

    "Okay, so now to find the real one. Cassie can just use Icy Wind..."

    Twenty five Beedrill all held up their stingers in a "STOP!" gesture.

    "Oh, relax, I won't do that to you. But what do I do if Tally's up?

    "You know, there's always me..."

    "Ruff!"

    "You have an idea Tally?"

    Tally smiled, licking her chops and her tail wagging a mile a minute.

    "Well, alrighty then! Let's see it!"

    "Ruff!" The Herdier stood up from a sitting postion and lowered on her legs into a battle stance. A low snarl started in the deep of her belly, reverberating and turning into a loud Howl as it travelled up her windpipe. Twenty-five Beedrill moved to cover their ears, and twenty-four of them suddenly vanished.

    "Well played...flea face" Beedrill added under his breath.

    "That was a cool trick! Now, what do we do about him being airborne?"

    Tally shrugged.

    "Well, alright." Janie sat down in the grass and pulled out her P*DA. She fired up the Pokedex app and started combing through a list of attacks that Herdier could use or were at least seen on a limited basis using. Most of them were physical, and Tally hadn't shown an affinity to range moves yet, but Janie noted to herself that Thunderbolt would be really handy right about now.

    "If only we had some way of getting it from her fur to her muzzle..." Janie looked over. Tally was tired. Her ears pulled all the way back, and her lower jaw hung as far down as it couldas she took a deep, relaxing breath. Janie gave her companion a rub on the head. "It's been a long day, hasn't it? Now, if we could get an electrical charge to leap from you to the opponent, maybe a spitting maneuver, ooh, maybe Toxic instead? But most bug types are immune to-"

    "zzzzzzz"

    Tiny had been in front of Janie, hovering languidly awaiting some kind of instruction. With Tally beside Janie, he'd also been in front of the Herdier. Janie reached over and gave Tally a great big hug and a quick kiss on her forehead. "You're a genius."

    "I know."

    On to CH22!
    Last edited by Glover; 4th June 2012 at 8:56 AM.
        Spoiler:- Breeding stuff:

  21. #71
    Join Date
    Feb 2012
    Location
    I don't even know any more.
    Posts
    71

    Default

    I know I still have to do the last part of Chapter 20, but here's some stuff for 21 anyway.

        Spoiler:- Typos and stuff: Chap 21:
    Originally Posted by Missingno. Master
    And my authorish side must tell you that logic doesn't trump diddly in this story. Klang can fart. Plain and simple.

  22. #72
    Join Date
    Feb 2012
    Location
    Arkansas
    Posts
    563

    Default

    I told you that I would get to this in a few weeks, but when I read the first chapter two days ago, I found that I couldn’t stop. I even got a slap to the back of the head from my supervisor when he caught me reading while answering calls at work haha. It’s odd, to me this reads like Tempest somewhat, but it has this flair, this funk rubbed on it that makes me like this story even more. Whether it be from Janie or her Pokemon, or seeing Glover back in action I don’t know, but you took my favorite things about Tempest and rolled them into this new thing, and I’ve greatly enjoyed it. Since you have so many chapters, I’m not going to go one by one, or show you grammar mistakes, but I’ll give you a synopsis of what I’ve liked/disliked so far. Now that I’m caught up I want to be on the PM list.

    Anyway, Orre. I know you’re a fanatic of the region. It’s so underrepresented in fics that I read, and I’ve never understood that. Orre was a massive achievement to me back when it was first introduced, and it’s really nice to be able to go back and explore it. The history behind Orre was interesting too, as well as Glover and other people’s attempts to repopulate it and make it more economically viable. The place seems so foreign to me that it almost feels like a character itself. Great job on that!

    It was also nice to touch back on Glover. I loved him in Tempest, and to see him with his family really made me get more into the story. Especially the part where he helped the trainer get his first Pokemon. The fact that you had the Pokemon pick the trainer was another nice touch, and I could imagine Glover’s bemused grin when the kid decided that it didn’t want a Rattata as a starter. It ended up the way I expected, and if anyone knows the value of traditionally underused Pokemon, it’s Glover. Such an interesting character.

    The only real thing I have a problem with are the few careless mistakes that I found. One thing in particular was spacing. There are at least 8 times where you attached a new paragraph with someone speaking right above. Not that it’s really that bad, but after awhile it kinda got to me because I had to go back and make sure I was reading certain passages right. Other than that, there were a few misspelled words and errors with italics, but stupidly I forgot to note them as I was reading. Proofreading slightly harder before posting should weed out silly stuff like that.

    Ditto is the standout for me. From his quirky behavior, to scaring the grunts by smiling and blinking at them; he just encompasses all the things that make me want to hang out with him haha. His behavior and personality behind, the inventiveness on your part with what he can turn into was astounding. Wow he makes himself useful! The jetpack and boat are my favorite, along with the surprise watch situation haha. The part where Glover tells him to study the design for a moment really stuck out to me, as well as showed that even Ditto has to be coached into things that he cant simply guess at. The one portion I didn’t like though was when he turned into an F-18…I mean, I liked it, but it came dangerously close to being almost too unbelievable. It didn’t ruin the story or the character at all, and believe me, I’ve always been one to believe that people and Pokemon are capable of great things when the situation is urgent, but just make sure you keep him in check so that he doesn’t become too epic. If that makes sense.

    Beedrill was another Pokemon I connected with as well. The hive explanation you came up with was really nice. He feels so real to me, so much so in fact that it’s only in battles that I remember he’s a Pokemon. Which goes to show how well you’ve done with these characters. I also liked how you gave him an actual flaw with his size, as I’m so sick of reading fic’s that have these perfect specimens of health and invulnerability. He has a need to prove himself, and at first I thought it was to Janie, but the more I think about it, the more I think he’s actually trying to prove it to himself. I may be completely wrong, but that’s what it feels like.

    Your battles are really well done as well. They don’t feel scripted at all, and they feel believable. You put limitations on the Pokemon, and that’s something that is actually really refreshing to read. Your inventiveness that goes along with the battling is another treat. My favorite being the portion when you had Janie train Tally in the Pokemon Center fridge in an effort to help learn Ice Fang faster. Really well done, and it has definitely made eager for more.

    This was a great read, and I’m glad I took the time. To be honest, I loved Tempest, but this fic speaks to me even more than that one did. I care about these characters, and I love the experiences, both good and bad. I didn’t hit on everything I wanted to because of my crazy schedule right now, but I wish you the best with the next chapter, as you can count on me being here to read. Nicely done

    An Ancient Treasure, a Terrible Price. Take the Risk, Eat the World
    (Final Chapter added 05-15-2014)

    -Thanks to PopPrincess_Lyra for the amazing banner-


  23. #73
    Join Date
    Jul 2011
    Location
    Gateon area, Orre
    Posts
    499

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by PhantomDragon View Post
    I know I still have to do the last part of Chapter 20, but here's some stuff for 21 anyway.

        Spoiler:- Typos and stuff: Chap 21:
    DOn't worry, I haven't forgotten ya! I sat down to tidy 21, and my comp stalled out halfway through. I wanted to get ahead of myself in writing this week, but I will be on the fixering after I finish cleanin tongiht!
    Quote Originally Posted by Sidewinder View Post
    I found that I couldn’t stop. I even got a slap to the back of the head from my supervisor when he caught me reading while answering calls at work haha
    Thank you, and I'm eternally sorry.

    The only real thing I have a problem with are the few careless mistakes that I found. One thing in particular was spacing. There are at least 8 times where you attached a new paragraph with someone speaking right above. Not that it’s really that bad, but after awhile it kinda got to me because I had to go back and make sure I was reading certain passages right. Other than that, there were a few misspelled words and errors with italics, but stupidly I forgot to note them as I was reading. Proofreading slightly harder before posting should weed out silly stuff like that. [/QUOTE]

    Ah, my kryptonite. Hopefully, CH1 V2 is better than Chapters 2- ~15 which were pre-Tempest, Ironically. I truly suck at my own proofreading, and I'm still trying to find a cure to get me to unplug myself from what I know I meant to say. That being said, I'll go back and see if I can find the paragraphing you mean. If it's entirely relevant to the conversation, or I;ve been known to be long winded between the same person's coments, I'll keep them together, but be sure to call it if (when, let's be honest here) I do it in the next chapter.

    Ditto is the standout for me. From his quirky behavior, to scaring the grunts by smiling and blinking at them; he just encompasses all the things that make me want to hang out with him haha. His behavior and personality behind, the inventiveness on your part with what he can turn into was astounding. Wow he makes himself useful! The jetpack and boat are my favorite, along with the surprise watch situation haha. The part where Glover tells him to study the design for a moment really stuck out to me, as well as showed that even Ditto has to be coached into things that he cant simply guess at.
    Alright, maybe you can tell me where the problem lies. The boat? That's supposed to be the boat that Glover borrowed from Port. The winking eyes is Moto, the Rotom, possessing the boat. (Think Moto, as in Motor, or Motorola, which is how Moto got inside the base in Tempest) Gizmo is on the back of the boat, imitating a fuel tank and hating it very much (The hazard plaqard blew Glover a raspberry) because Glover siphoned off the Helicopter's fuel supply into him so the Rocket's couldn't find the chopper and give chase. Couldn't dump it in the bay, after all, and Glover didn't have a thirsty Muk on him at the time.

    So, where is it that Moto and Gizmo are getting each other confused. They really are meant to be two peas in a pod kind of similar personalities, but is it going too far?

    The one portion I didn’t like though was when he turned into an F-18…I mean, I liked it, but it came dangerously close to being almost too unbelievable. It didn’t ruin the story or the character at all, and believe me, I’ve always been one to believe that people and Pokemon are capable of great things when the situation is urgent, but just make sure you keep him in check so that he doesn’t become too epic. If that makes sense.
    I'm glad you called that one out. In general, my rule for Ditto is "physics applies to him as it does to Glover, but that didn't really concrete itself until after I wrote that scene. Here's why I did it: I needed some way to get Glover quickly from Johto (Think China on a real map) back home (Honolulu, on the other side of Japan and a LOT of water. That's not what my map is based on, but it does the metaphor justice). For Glover to survive the trip without the G Forces killing him in an urgent kind of speed, he needed an enclosed cockpit instead of just the flying wing jetpack. Ditto turn into things as big as Wailord, so I could push the size envelope, and he could certainly replicate the mechanics, but you're right he does push the epicness a bit too much. The next time you see him do a plane, it'll be an RC size. My hope, is that I don't end up writing myself into that corner ever again.

    Let's be honest though, could you really see Gizmo turning into something as mundane as a Cessna? :-)

    P.S.
    "Go Big or Go Bigger"
    -Gizmo
    Last edited by Glover; 2nd June 2012 at 2:59 AM.
        Spoiler:- Breeding stuff:

  24. #74
    Join Date
    Jul 2011
    Location
    Gateon area, Orre
    Posts
    499

    Default

        Spoiler:- Author's post:

    ---

    Memory
    WT CH 22
    Back to Chapter 21?

    "There dear, now don't you feel better?"

    "No, not really." Janie muttered. "Oh yes, thank you Mrs. Racine."

    Over on the counter, Janie's P*DA buzzed for the seventh time that night, letting her know that she was being called. Again. Excusing herself from the vanity, Janie grabbed the device and headed downstairs. "I suppose I should call Dad then." She said sarcastically, noting the seven messages left on her voicemail. "No doubt he's worried." Tally was sitting in the kitchen, gnawing away on a rib bone, but she got up and padded alongside her trainer out to a screened in porch.

    Janie sat down at a whicker table and chairs. She her fairly new P*DA had a keyboard cover with could be used to prop it up, which would prove useful for the video chatting that she rarely did.

    -"So, the prodigal daughter returns the call!"

    "Hi dad. It's good to see you too." Janie rolled her eyes. “Hi Mom."

    -"Janie", What did your father and I ask you to do? Specifically, what did we ask of your journey?"

    "Well, let’s see, you asked me to brush my teeth, floss, be presentable, respectful to others, put others before myself…"

    Cayna interrupted with a slap up the side of my head. -"I believe that one is your fault, dear."

    -"Yes, yes, I suppose it is. Janie, we asked you to not go and be a hero. We didn't want you getting hurt. And now you've gone and sent us a very po'd Ursaring, the likes of which I've never seen this well trained."


    "How are they doing?"

    -"Pardon?"

    "Momma and the cubs. How are they acclimating?"

    "Well, Jovi's doing pretty well with them, but it’s obvious the cubs are terrified. I do know they won’t be going back into a Pokéball willingly anytime soon. Traumatized of just about anything that looks like a Pokéball, including the Foongus we look after for people. The mother seems to be fairly accustomed to appearing in strange places and lab life though, so once they calm down and settle in, I think they'll be fine." I looked over at Cayna, who was drilling holes into my soul with her eyes. -"What? It's a perfectly valid question for her to ask."

    -"I wasn't done scolding my daughter yet. Even if she was protecting a friend."

    -"Well, neither am I, but she still has the right to know about her Pokémon. How bad are you, anyway Janie?"

    "Not too bad, I've gotten worse scrapes from martial arts classes."

    -"And under the makeup?"

    "Makeup, Dad?"

    -"Whomever did the makeup you’re wearing has a good hand, but I've spent years fighting imposters in crime organizations. How bad's the bruising?"

    "Really, I'm fine! It's like I have two sets of parents! Liz's folks nag as much as you do!"

    -"Good." her mother said. -"It'll make you suffer more."

    -"We're only concerned about your safety. And that doesn't work when our daughter has been thrown around by an Ursaring."

    "Well, you'll be happy to know that five years of running, fighting, and swimming kept me out of her reach. Most of my injuries came from rocks being thrown or tripping or not rolling and tumbling right, but she barely grazed me at all." Janie wasn't going to mention her stiff back the Grizzly tried to paralyze.

    -"Well, alright. But the next Pokémon you try to wrestle best be a Caterpie. And no more Rock Throwing, Okay dear?"

    "Yes Mother."

    -"Good. I'm going to bed. Goodnight, Janie."

    -"I'll be up in a minute." I told Cay, and waited until she was safely up the stairs.

    -There. We're alone now. As a father, you understand I don't want you endangering yourself so far from home, but I am really proud of you, and I want to hear all the details."

    "Well..."

    ---
    Janie talked for most of the evening, and was a bit groggy when everyone woke up for pancakes in the morning.

    "Your dad is so incredible. Would you help with the butter?"

    "You're determined to milk this broken arm thing for a while, aren't you Liz? Were you spying on me last night?"

    "Well..."

    Janie looked around the table. "Were you ALL spying on me, last night?"

    "No, no. Of course not."

    "Why would we do that?"

    "He's so hot."

    "LIZ!"

    "What? Have you seen him?"

    "EW! That's my Dad! No!"

    "But I thought you liked the celebrity gossip. Why, I bet he was a world famous trainer back in the day. He just looks like a hero. You know who he reminds me of? Red. Before the dark and the broo-"

    "Just, just stop, alright? And no, he played his journey pretty low profile."

    "I think I've seen him before though." Liz's mom said between bites. "Oh! I remember, the Hoenn reports from four years ago!"

    "Almost five, now." Janie corrected.

    "So it was him."

    "Yeah, he was one of the ones who went in and tried to evacuate the Hoenn citizens."

    "Did he get to see those monsters they resurrected?" Liz inquired excitedly.

    "No. Though he did fight the Rayquaza they brainwashed." Janie said as calmly as reading a book report.

    "Single-handedly?"

    "Of course not! He had over four dozen trainers helping him just from outside the compound."

    "The compound? He was taken prisoner?"

    "Liberated it that way. Found my aunts and cousins..." Janie's voice trailed off, her thoughts suddenly on an Uncle that hadn't been seen since the initial jailbreak.

    Liz' father folded his paper. Sensing a sad chord, he hastily went to get the topic going in a different direction. "He was the one who tried to turn the Aqua and Magma partnership against themselves."

    "One of them. He wasn't there very long. The League did a pretty good job of fanning the old rivalry when they arrived."

    "That was good thinking on his part. You must be proud of him." said Mr. Racine.

    "When, they arrived." Mrs. Racine stated with quite a bit of emphasis. "I still can't believe they took that long to act; that it took two trainers and the refugees to get public pressure on them."

    "No wonder you were so good to me, and after saving me from that Ursaring..."

    Janie blushed. "Please, don't let my parents hear you say that. They don't want me being the hero. Afraid it’s too dangerous."

    "I can imagine." Liz's father said, going back to his sports scores.

    "So, what other cool stories do you have about your Dad? Was your Mom an adventurer too?"

    "Now Liz,"

    "But Mom!"

    "We should respect Janie and her family's privacy."

    "Please Janie?"

    "Well, I... Gee... uh... They were just bed time stories about heroes and knights, and good and bad; He didn't really tangle with anything supernatural until after he got involved with the League and, and I guess I never really thought of them as..."

    "Liz," Her father grunted.

    "Fine." The picnicker huffed.

    "Will you be joining us after breakfast? We need to get Liz's stuff replaced."

    "Gee, I don't know, Mrs. Racine."

    "Come on, Janie! It'll be fun! Let's go shopping together! Pwease?"

    "I'd kinda like to get to Azalea before sunset."

    "Are you sure that's a good idea?" Mr. Racine said through his paper.

    "Why?"

    "Zubats. They inhabit Union Cave, you know."

    “By the billion.” Liz added.

    "You think I should wait until nightfall?"

    "When they're mostly gone from the cave? I would."

    "Yay! That means you can go with us Janie!"

    "Oh, alright. I guess I can wait."

    Union Town had a lot of little shops in it. In some cases, the handmade items were much better than the store bought, and Janie subbed out a few things she'd acquired prior to leaving the Orre region. Blankets, cloth throws mostly. She did pick up some new linens for the egg, and a few little trinkets, which he mailed off to her folks with love. In others though, well, Liz and her family were going to have to drive up to Violet City. The little shops in Union Town didn't have the selection; it had evolved into a rest stop and couldn't compete with the box stores. And that was in the wrong direction; so after lunch, Janie had some time to walk around town.

    At the heart of all this, sat a little garden monument. Flower fields surrounded a twice size bronze statue to a girl with what looked to be a Chingling in her arms, it's big bell-like smile gaping at the garden beneath it as they walked towards the North. Shadows shifted in the cast bronze eyes; the jingle bell Pokemon seemed to see the Beedrill dancing in the flowers too.

    "Strange" Janie thought aloud. “Most statues faced east, towards the rising sun, to be aimed north meant something for whomever this girl was.” Time had faded the text on the marker to obscurity, and it seemed based on other little tags that this had become a memorial to trainers who had left on journeys and never come back, either by choice or for much sadder reasons. A few of those had little tributes to them as well, but the fresh bouquet of flowers on the statue's foot meant this girl specifically still meant something to someone.

    “Something in Ecruteak? Janie pondered. Ho-Oh? There’s a lot of old stories about Ho-Oh in Ecruteak, but the statue wasn’t that old. Maybe it was just the Crossroads up between Goldenrod National Park, Ecruteak, and Violet. “Or maybe it's just because the first gym is north of here." Janie decided, though Violet City was a little more East, surely if they were going to position the statue they would've taken the effort to turn it a few degrees around. She looked down at Tally, who shrugged and asked with her big, soulful puppy-dog eyes if Janie was going to finish the hotdog in her hand.

    Janie sat in thought for a moment next to a Herdier who was happily eating. Absently, she half watched a grizzled old man, an archeologist by the looks, who was saying something to the statue. He seemed sad, lonely, and heartbroken, that his journey was lacking a character that must have been important to him, though maybe he hadn't known it at the time. It wasn't Janie's place to know what his story was, and she didn't ask, but she wished that there might have been someone who could've helped whomever was departed. Someone who could've finished that story a little better; a little happier ending maybe.

    Maybe someone like her Dad.

    Maybe someday, someone like her.

    And the egg, snuggled safely out of sight in the container on her back, gave a single faded pulse in agreement.

    onwards to Chapter 23
    ---
        Spoiler:- Author's Commentary:
    Last edited by Glover; 10th June 2012 at 6:45 AM.
        Spoiler:- Breeding stuff:

  25. #75
    Join Date
    Feb 2012
    Location
    Arkansas
    Posts
    563

    Default

    QUOTE]
    Alright, maybe you can tell me where the problem lies. The boat? That's supposed to be the boat that Glover borrowed from Port. The winking eyes is Moto, the Rotom, possessing the boat. (Think Moto, as in Motor, or Motorola, which is how Moto got inside the base in Tempest) Gizmo is on the back of the boat, imitating a fuel tank and hating it very much (The hazard plaqard blew Glover a raspberry) because Glover siphoned off the Helicopter's fuel supply into him so the Rocket's couldn't find the chopper and give chase. Couldn't dump it in the bay, after all, and Glover didn't have a thirsty Muk on him at the time.[/QUOTE]

    Nevermind what I said earlier. I went back and read that chapter and I see where I got confused. I got their places mixed up. It makes more sense for Moto to possess the boat and Gizmo be the fuel tnk. I just got the names mixed up for a minute.

    They really are meant to be two peas in a pod kind of similar personalities, but is it going too far?
    It's not going too far at all. Actually, you've done a really good job explaining how they kinda bounce off each other and off Glover. lol, it seems like Glover comes down harder on Moto over Gizmo

    Let's be honest though, could you really see Gizmo turning into something as mundane as a Cessna? :-)
    Lol you're right. Not his style at all

    @ Chapter 22

    Well, it's either really early here, or your spelling and punctuation has greatly improved. I seriously could not find a single error. I noticed in your nots that you're now using a new tool to proofread. Well FYI, it's working. This chapter felt a little short, but the lack of spelling errors made the whole thing flow very nicely. Nicely done

    shadow and provide motivation for Janie, but it ended up feeling too much like tooting Glover's horn.
    You actually did a great job on that portion. I don't feel like you were tooting his horn at all. Glover is an amazing person, and I think he'd actually be someone who could motivate Janie, and he's certainly a trainer that every youngster would love to aspire to. I think he sees himself in her as well, and I really like the portion where you held Glover back for a moment so he could tell Janie he was proud of her. I can totally see him off to the ide while his wife is freaking out just smiling to himself.

    The mother seems to be fairly accustomed to appearing in strange places and lab life though, so once they calm down and settle in, I think they'll be fine
    Interesting. I seem to remember the Ursaring saying something in her head about how trainers are all the same, or something like that. This kind of talk makes me think she's going to be touched on again. Question, does Ursaring officially belong to Janie?

    Absently, she half watched a grizzled old man, an archeologist by the looks, who was saying something to the statue. He seemed sad, lonely, and heartbroken, that his journey was lacking a character that must have been important to him, though maybe he hadn't known it at the time.
    That portion stuck out to me too. Is that the same archeologist that was digging around in the Unknown's cave? And if I remember correctly, was he digging up an ancient stone Pokeball? Hmmm, was he atoning for something, was the statue girl his daughter, is digging to atone for something he may have done to her? Argh! Blasted theories!

    Anyway, not really much else to comment on. I enjoyed the chapter quite a bit, and for me what held this one together was your ever impressive dialogue. I look forward to more

    An Ancient Treasure, a Terrible Price. Take the Risk, Eat the World
    (Final Chapter added 05-15-2014)

    -Thanks to PopPrincess_Lyra for the amazing banner-


Page 3 of 6 FirstFirst 123456 LastLast

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •