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Thread: Diana and the Adventures in Unova {PG}

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Aug 2012
    Location
    Australia, Perth
    Posts
    119

    Talking Diana and the Adventures in Unova {PG}

    Hi, and welcome to my FanFic called 'Diana and the Adventures in Unova'. I hope you like my story, because I'm just a newbie to FanFiction.

    Chapter 1 - The Beginning

    Finally the day had come for Diana to receive her very first Pokemon, as soon as her alarm went off, she had fallen out of bed but picked herself up and rushed down stairs. When sitting on the chair pumped for breakfast, her mother said while she munched down on her toast. "Honey, you've got alot of time go to Professor. Junipers Lab to get a pokemon, so slow down!". "But Mum!, I'm gonna get my own pokemon today, anyway I've gotta dash. Bye!" replied Diana as she left bread crumbs everywhere. "Bye Sweetie" said her mother.

    Diana runs out to her bicycle and cycles to Professor. Junipers Lab to receive her very first pokemon. On her way there, she passes a lake and encounters a very weak and hurt Dratini. She stops with her brakes, runs towards it and tries to pick up the Dratini but the Dratini refused her and used it move Aqua Tail to push Diana away. Diana stood up and trembled a bit and went on forward to pick up the Dratini and put it in her bicycle basket, the Dratini thrashed about and didn't want Diana's help, but it was useless. It had no energy left. So once again she cycles over to Professor. Juniper's Lab to see if she can heal Dratini's wounds and recover.

    Once Diana got there, she did nothing but drop her bike and run to Professor. Juniper. When she got there, there was a huge crowd where Mark was receiving his pokemon. Diana pushed and shoved through the crowd to get to Professor. Junipers Lab entrance. As she got there Diana was amazed of how big and wonderful the Labortory was. But as Dratini said "Drat...dratini", Diana rushed up to Professor. Juniper and had asked quickly if Professor. Juniper could examine the hurt Dratini and recover it. Professor Juniper said "No, I'm sorry I can't heal your Dratini, but you can go over to the nearest Pokemon Center in Accumula Town, and then come back because I've never seen such an interesting Dratini that shines like that, hm, go now!". "Okay Professor, I'll be back in a flash" replied Diana.

    When going back to her house to pack her bag and get ready to explore passed Nuvema Town, her mother shedded a tear. "I'm going to be so proud of you when you come back" said her mother. "Um, mum.. I'm just going to Accumula Town and back, don't worry about me" said Diana. When Diana headed outside the door, read and packed. Her mother said, "Don't forget to treat your pokemon like you want to be treated". "But mum, I haven't 'caught' Dratini. And it still hates me" replied Diana. "Bye honey!" said her mother. Diana answered back "See ya Mum!".

    Diana held Dratini gently and softly like it was her own pokemon, "It would of been easier if you were in a pokeball, just saying". Dratini look at her like he didn't care at all for Diana. Diana ran across the path to Accumula Town, she never been passed Nuvema Town at all and wondered what it would be like. As she walked trouble was in her way, a flock of Sperows were looking at her like they were going to attack her, Diana had tip-toed slowly without making a sound, away from the Sperows. Suddenly, without Diana knowing she accidently stepped on a twig and the sperows came flying at her. Diana had no choice but to run away, as soon as she went pass Mark, her childhood friend, "HEY MARK!, NICE TALK" she shouted out loudly. The Sperows came flying at Mark, when he glanced at the flock of sperows, he ran with Diana as fast as he could.

    As soon as they went to Accumula Town, the Sperows went back to there nests and didn't lay a scratch on both Mark and Diana. Mark was puffed out but Diana ran towards the Pokemon Center. Diana did not have the care in the world who stood in her way, all she cared was saving the poor Dratini."Please heal this Dratini, I beg you!" said Diana upsettingly. As she examined, she said "Your Dratini will be fine after some rest and medicine, but you should know better to keep your pokemon from suffering. Come back tomorrow and your Dratini will be fully recovered." replied Nurse Joy. After hearing Nurse Joy say Dratini was fine after some rest, Diana was really glad. She walked over happily to the PokePhone and called Professor. Juniper. As the phone rang, Professor. Juniper picked up, "Hello? Diana?" answered Professor. Juniper. "Hey Professor, the Dratini is fine. Any chance I can get my own pokemon at your Lab?" asked Diana. Professor Juniper replied with, "No sadly, all 3 trainers from Nunuma Town all taken them all. But you're lucky you have that Dratini of yours.. I've got to go now, see you back at my Lab, Diana.". Diana went outside, sat down and looked at the starry night, she wondered how Dratini got hurt so badly. Soon, along came Mark, he walked to Diana. "Hey Diana.. I see you don't have a pokemon." smirks Mark. Diana walks away from Mark.

    After some more waiting, Diana eavesdrop on a conversation about a Dratini left by the side of a lake. "What a waste time, I thought Dragon-Types were meant to be strong, but that Dratini was useless. So I left it there, hurt and weak. Thats what it's meant to be right? Hurt and Weak." said the Hot Shot Trainer. His gang laughed. Diana went over there, and stood up for the Dratini, "Pokemon aren't some kind of tool, they have feelings to and to think your a trainer with pokemon. If you want your pokemon stronger, you train them and bond with them!". Then Nurse Joy comes over, "Now now. No fighting, you kids better go to bed. It's getting late now.". Everyone yawned, and went to bed, but Diana was thinking all night about the Dratini. When the sun rised, Diana woke up, she walked over to Nurse Joy. Diana asked "Can I see the Dratini now?". Nurse Joy nodded. Nurse Joy went into the other room, then walked back and wheeled Dratini in. "You should really keep your Dratini in a Pokeball." said Nurse Joy. "I found it in the wild, it was hurt. That Hot Trainer caught it, then left it hurt and weak." replied Diana. "Hm, if you found it in the wild. I think you should keep the Dratini, I think I see a growth in your bond when you saved it's life.". Dratini looked Diana in the eye, it came closer to Diana and said "Dratini, Dratinii!". "I'm so glad you're okay Dratini, I think it's time we go back to Numuva Town and see the Professor. So Diana thanked Nurse Joy and went on outside.

    "Okay, to officially say you're my pokemon, you've got to go in a Pokeball". Diana went on and got her Pokeball out of her bag, and threw the Pokeball at Dratini. But suddenly the pokeball bounced back and into her hand again, Diana wondered why.. but Diana didn't care, so she got on her knee and spreaded her arm out so Dratini could go onto her shoulder, but instead of that, Dratini went on top of Diana's head. Diana was really happy that she got Dratini has her first pokemon, so she walked home.

    Next chapter coming out soon.


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  2. #2
    Join Date
    Aug 2011
    Posts
    94

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    Ok, so I know this is your first one, and your first chapter, but I really think you should revisit this. Ermm there was a lot or repetition with language and is got to a point were I could see what was coming next, and with a story I think it's wise to make sure the reader is expecting the unexpected. Also, from what be learned recently you might wanna put a line Everytime someone new speaks, the members here love that aha. Also I was annoyed that Diana let the hot shot trainer get away with his antics so easily, and nurse joy didn't even seemed to be bothered the Dratini had been horribly treated, which I thought was odd? Maybe add a lot more description, proper get into it like. You don't need to rush, take your time to explain to the reader Diana's surroundings, what she looks like, do this creatively and efficiently and you should be on to a good start.

    Overall what interested me the most though was how Dratini got to where she was, why she was there, I wanna know how you're going to portray there personalitys

    keep going Affection!
    For everyone who likes stories you can read my first ever fan-fic here!


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