Page 2 of 2 FirstFirst 12
Results 21 to 25 of 25

Thread: Dark Moon [Part 1 of 3]

  1. #21
    Join Date
    Jun 2011
    Location
    The Aqua Capital
    Posts
    46

    Default

    Wow. I didn't notice you had posted so many chapters. Once I started reading, I couldn't stop. xD

    There weren't any grammar mistakes I noticed, and the description is amazing! You have a talent to draw your reader in with the suspense and excellent detail. It wasn't hard to imagine everything that was described, and it certainly painted a vivid picture in my mind.

    It seems like Reverse Darkrai and White Darkrai are formidable foes. Celebi sure had a rough battle. I can't wait to see what happens when Mew and Darkrai step in.

  2. #22
    Join Date
    Jul 2010
    Posts
    394

    Default

    Whoa, this is cool. XD I really like your characterization of the legendaries. Especially Rotom, haha.

    The plot, setting, description...all were excellent

    Anyway, a few corrections:


    Stars twinkled benignly in a sky clear but for a few smoky gray clouds, but the absence of the moon's light made the night seem colder than it was, and perhaps a little more unfriendly.
    Great description. Although it may be better if separated into two sentences...it was a bit run-on.
    Sadly, he didn't. Instead, Darkrai found himself face-to-face with what appeared to be an orange teardrop with large blue yes.
    *Eyes

    "Oh, damn," said Darkrai to nobody in particular.
    Best line ever.

    At any rate, it's an enjoyable read so far. Excited to see what happens next. ^^
    I will be offline from January 2013 to October 2014.

    Greetings from the asylum of my insanity.
    Chapter 3 and cooler banner coming eventually. :P

    Dex: 128 created! ~ DA and LJ links coming later.

  3. #23
    Join Date
    Mar 2011
    Location
    Canada
    Posts
    193

    Default

    Thanks for the comments, everyone! I really appreciate you sticking with me.

    And would you look at that; we're done!

    --------------




    Chapter Ten:
    Echoes To Come

    The moment they entered the sealed dimension, two spherical barriers of translucent white light flickered into existence around them. Immediately Darkrai struck at the force field, but he could not break through, and upon attempting to summon energy for an attack he found he could not.

    "Don't bother." White Darkrai floated calmly before them, at this range looking somewhat worn out but still with a steady bearing. "I've been waiting for you."

    "If your plan is just to trap us, it won't work." Mew glared at the white Pokémon, who stared back as emotionlessly as he was colorless. "The others will come and finish you."

    "I will not allow them to enter this dimension."

    "You don't have control of—"

    White Darkrai's flat voice cut through Mew's own. "I do. And should Arceus try to force his way in, his power will destroy the dimension and kill us all."

    "So what, then?" taunted Darkrai. "You're too scared to fight us, so we're just going to sit here?"

    "I am not afraid to fight you. I plan to wait until Jirachi en—"

    White Darkrai's words were lost in a great rush of sound as Mew released a monstrous flood of concentrated energy, a tremendous burst that decimated her cage of light and swelled outward, spitting pink flares in every direction. Mew herself was wrapped in a vibrant, flame-like aura of the same hue that hummed with power and increased the very pressure of the air tenfold.

    In a fraction of an instant, before White Darkrai could even assume a fighting stance, Mew crossed the distance between them and struck him down. The spectre crashed into the dirt of the crater he and Celebi had created, rising swiftly and unleashing a fast pulse of energy from his palm. But Mew either avoided it or had already followed him down, because the next second she smashed her arm into his face and sent him skidding along the earth. He hovered up out of his tumble, and Mew shot after him; the two traded volleys of energized projectiles until abruptly White Darkrai looped back and dove at Mew with claws outstretched. She spun sideways to evade him and aimed a kick at his head as he sailed by, but he ducked and turned to grab her in one hand.

    Before White Darkrai could take any action, ghostly blue fire seemed to alight on Mew's own body, and her foe released her, wounded as though the flames had been real. Then Mew's psychic power seized control of the doppelgänger himself, and she sent him flying back earthward. It looked as though Mew was going to force him to slam into the ground once more, but an instant before he did, White Darkrai broke free of the telekinesis and sent a sharp mental recoil coursing through Mew's mind. Before she could recover, White Darkrai snapped from the forest floor to directly in front of her at a speed too great to register and sunk a fist into her gut.

    Mew doubled over, and White Darkrai delivered a powerful blow to her back with his hands laced together, but she did not allow herself to be knocked down. Halting her descent with a great surge of will, she whirled and struck White Darkrai's broad chest, pushing him back with disproportionate strength, and then pursued her reeling opponent and began to rain open-palmed strikes upon his head and upper body.

    Eventually White Darkrai steadied himself, batting Mew away with a swing of his arm. He drew back and fired several jets of light at her, but the strength of his attacks was diminishing—his battles with the two powerful Legendaries had taken their toll. Mew deflected the lasers with her bare hands and closed in; White Darkrai feinted then intercepted Mew as she made to dodge and grabbed her by the head, heaving mightily and slinging her downward. Mew mentally summoned a shockwave in the air even as she fell, buffeting her opponent back so he was unable to press his advantage, and then followed up with a lightning-fast flying ram against which White Darkrai managed to cross his arms in an X shape to defend himself. He retaliated with an uppercut that forced Mew back, and then he began to charge energy, shouting a moment later, "Dark Override!"

    But Mew hit him before his attack could even materialize. She accelerated rapidly and caught up as he attempted to dash away, driving at him again and again and leaving him not one opportunity to attack back; her speed was so great it was past perceptible at times, and she seemed to disappear and reappear as she changed the angle of her assault over and over. White Darkrai parried her blows at first, but soon he began to slow, and Mew scored increasingly more hits.

    The bleached clone finally succeeded in disengaging, staggering backward in midair after finally repulsing Mew with an indiscriminate wave of energy. "That's enough," he growled, and he held his arms out before him. "Midnight Black." A swirl of shadowy energy formed around him and began to thicken, its smoky composition undulating, twisting, and spiraling; trails of the condensed darkness wisped off in every direction, and with White Darkrai at its center, it had the appearance of a negatized corona.

    "Fire something powerful!" shouted Darkrai across the distance they had separated. "Now! Finish him before he attacks!"

    Mew didn't hesitate. She yelled, "Millenaria!" and a torrent of what looked like shining, molten gold rushed from her arms and slammed into White Darkrai. Mew sustained the barrage, but just when it looked as though White Darkrai's efforts would be defeated, a gaping hole of black nothingness opened between him and Mew and swallowed the golden energy whole.

    "Dawn White!"

    Mew and everything surrounding her was lost as from behind the Dark Void a gigantic swath of pure white light was spat as if from some great dragon's mouth, obliterating everything in its path and blanking out space and sight will all the brilliance of a sun.

    Eventually the light dimmed and started to dissipate. When it had faded entirely, Darkrai could see Mew lying still on the earth, her eyes shut as though she were just resting in her forest home. For an instant Darkrai thought—but no, her body still moved subtly with signs of breath. As for White Darkrai, he now appeared beyond exhaustion. He didn't move or speak, and his breaths were ragged; Darkrai was close enough to see his chest heave in contrast to the steady rise and fall of Mew's. At length, the foe turned to face his mirror image.

    Instantly, Darkrai smashed through the barrier surrounding him, and it only took him a millisecond to reach White Darkrai and slug him across the face. As he recoiled, the Pokémon's white coloration vanished as if painted over by an unseen hand until at last none remained—White Darkrai was gone, and in his place stood Reverse Darkrai once more. Darkrai couldn't help but bark a laugh before flying at Reverse Darkrai and knocking him sideways. The doppelgänger was quick to recover, and lunged at Darkrai as he approached again, trying to impale him with a spike of Dark energy formed over hand, but Darkrai caught his arm and stopped the jab. He proceeded to strike back with a similar energy construct, a flexible blade of light that extended from his forearm as if an elongation of the ridges there; Reverse Darkrai caught it on his claws, but before he could counter Darkrai punched him again in the face with his free hand.

    Moving back, Reverse Darkrai swiped his arms through the air in a cross shape, and an invisible force slashed at Darkrai with the same pattern. His adversary advanced swiftly, but Darkrai surprised him by seizing him out of his rush and whirling into a throw toward the forest below. One of Reverse Darkrai's arms snapped out and caught hold of Darkrai an instant before he fell past reaching distance, and together they tumbled down, each aiming a flurry of blows at the other.

    They reached ground level and separated, flying in opposite directions. Knowing his enemy was doing the same, Darkrai charged energy even as he turned, shouting "Dark Pulse!" and releasing a torrent of shadow-force into which he poured all his strength, one final effort intended to end the battle and destroy the Darkrai of the Reverse Moon once and for all.

    He did not so much as see if it met its target. The instant he completed his pivot and faced Reverse Darkrai he was met with a pulse of energy similar to his own, but blindingly white and so condensed it looked solid, which hit him with force hundreds of times greater than anything he could have produced himself and exploded, striking him finally to the earth.

    His ears ringing from the blast, his head spinning from the fall, Darkrai found he could barely move, so much strength had the energy sapped from him. His mind was frozen; how could Reverse Darkrai have summoned energy so powerful? Then he saw the shadowy clone out of the corner of his eye—but now he wasn't entirely so shadowy. His right arm from fingertips to just above the forearm was hued white, with the coloration fragmenting further up and gradually breaking apart as if to reveal the black beneath it. As Darkrai watched, the white faded; slowly this time, as if being siphoned off into the air. When it disappeared completely, a flash like lighting accompanied it and made it clear that all traces of White Darkrai's power were gone.

    Darkrai's attack had hit Reverse Darkrai, and he looked utterly drained—yet he was still standing. "Damn you!" spat Darkrai, struggling to rise. Then he stopped and laughed darkly. "You think this is over? Somehow I doubt you can control who gets in to this dimension. What's your plan for fighting Arceus?" Reverse Darkrai didn't respond, instead advancing, in his eyes an expression of obvious distaste at what he was about to do, and held his hand over Darkrai. He paused just one moment more, then drew on his last remnants of energy and prepared one last pulse of Dark-type power.

    Suddenly, he was illuminated from behind by a flash of white light as a surge of electricity coursed through his body. With a look of complete disbelief on his face, Reverse Darkrai pitched forward and collapsed face-first to the earth beside Darkrai, who could only stare with an expression akin to his doppelgänger's at the Pokémon who floated there, grinning widely.

    "Hi!" said Rotom. "That was pretty awesome, huh?

    * * *

    A slender figure stood silhouetted against the night sky, gazing silently up at the hole in the stars that was the Reverse Moon. A second indistinct form leapt easily up to stand beside him on the ruined stone structure. "Looks like they got him." His tone was nonchalant.

    The first being gave no response. The second's teeth glinted in the starlight. "Guess it's our turn."

    A third figure joined them. "Finally!"


    * * *

    Darkrai was in utter shock; forming an actual thought any time soon was only a remote possibility. He was, for once in his life, absolutely speechless.

    Rotom was much less so. "Master Arceus said I should come here with you guys! He just sent me along right after you! He said to stay out of the fight, but it kinda looked like the bad you was gonna kill you, so I came over to help, and look! I beat him! This is so awesome. I'm really, really excited and—" Rotom mercifully stopped talking as a swirl of colorless light illuminated the space beside them. From the insubstantial portal stepped Arceus, his expression grim.

    "Master Arceus!" exclaimed Rotom happily. "Yeah, now we can leave!"

    "We are leaving…" said Arceus. "Immediately."

    Darkrai found his voice at last. "What? Why immediately?"

    Arceus walked over to him, the golden ring around his midsection beginning to glow. "So as to not be caught in a dimensional collapse, explosion, or inversion."

    "Whoa, whoa, whoa!" yelped Rotom. "What?!"

    "The Reverse Moon phenomenon hasn't disappeared," said Arceus. "If that means Reverse Darkrai was not the cause of its altered state, then given his prior knowledge of the space/time freeze it's likely this is a trap. I want you out of here." The intricate band's illumination dimmed, but from it came a cluster of shimmering, hovering lights which floated towards Darkrai of their own accord. A portion of the sprites dove into his body and immediately he felt his strength return; he stood as the remaining lights went to Mew and Celebi, who in seconds were revived.

    "Master Arceus…" said Mew as she approached them. "I'm sorry I couldn't defeat him."

    "The fault is mine," said Arceus. "If I had been able to detect the presence of ‘White Darkrai,' I would have had both of you and Jirachi fight from the start, and no lives would have been risked." He bowed his head. "Please, forgive me."

    Mew put a hand to his head. "Come on, Master Arceus. No one's blaming you."" She smiled. "The only thing I'm mad at you about is you not sleeping enough."

    "Did Darkrai beat him?" asked Celebi, looking down at the unconscious Reverse Darkrai.

    "Actually, I did!" chirped Rotom. Then his face fell. "But we've got to get out of here, 'cause the dimension is gonna BLOW UP!"

    They were distracted from Rotom's theatrical impressions of an explosion by a groan from Reverse Darkrai, who got slowly to his feet. In the blink of an eye, bands of light had spun outward from Arceus, encircled the clone, and cinched themselves around him. He only laughed. "You guys should really get going; this place is about to be pulverized. Of course, the idea was for you to be here when that happens, but I don't really care."

    "Thanks for the advice," said Mew with a touch of sarcasm. "Feel like filling us in on the rest of your plan?"

    "I don't have a plan. I already told you that." He smiled knowingly. "Good luck with whatever comes next, though… you'll need it."

    "I didn't take any luck to beat you," said Darkrai. "You were lucky you had someone stronger to fight for you."

    "I hate to say it, but that really was me. Not anymore, though—he's gone." Reverse Darkrai looked at Darkrai almost thoughtfully. "You know, I'm going to miss having you to mess with."

    "What are we going to do with him?" queried Celebi.

    "Leave him here," replied Arceus. "I'll make sure he doesn't escape. Now—"

    Before Arceus could utter the words let's go, a noise like a scream rippled through the dimension's sphere; there appeared a thin crack in the air itself, little more than a barely perceptible line, which split and spread into rows of what looked like squares of sky. Then, starting at the top and moving quickly downward, orderly at first then accelerating into complete chaos, the squares folded in on themselves and shattered with great crashes—the dimension was falling apart. Arceus shouted something inaudible over the sound of time and space breaking apart, and just as the earth began to shake, they started to teleport away. Looking up at the widening hole in the sky-dome in the instant before the five of them vanished, Darkrai could have sworn he saw a pair of solid red eyes fading away as the scream consumed everything…

    Reverse Darkrai looked on as the dimension crumbled around him, a million shattered fragments of sky rushing down amid a cacophony of unearthly noises. He smiled briefly as the ground at his feet began to collapse. Then, he was gone.

    * * *

    The group reappeared at a starlit Spear Pillar, where Jirachi and Deoxys awaited them. Rotom immediately began zipping around in something of a victory dance.

    "Some force disrupted Lords Dialga and Palkia's control and destroyed the dimension," said Arceus. "And that force was something far more direct than the Reverse Moon itself… The Tree of Beginning is back where it belongs, by the way," he added. "And, to you who fought—Darkrai, Rotom, Lord Celebi, and Lord Mew—thank you."

    "So we still have battles ahead…" mused Mew.

    "We'll handle them," said Jirachi. "And next time I'll be there." She was pouting slightly.

    "Yeah!" piped up Rotom mid-loop-the-loop. "We'll take 'em on!"

    Arceus glanced at Darkrai, who was looking up into the night sky, where the Reverse Moon still hung beyond sight. "Something on your mind, Darkrai?"

    I will find you. "Nope," he said aloud, adding, "Hey…call me Lord Darkrai."

    --------------

    So, I hope you enjoyed it all in all! It's not quite the usual, I know.

    I've got several chapters of Dark Sanctuary ready/almost ready to post. What do you think--should I post one right away?

  4. #24
    Join Date
    Jul 2010
    Posts
    394

    Default

    Excellent conclusion! Funny how Rotom burst in at the last second and attacked Reverse Darkrai. XD

    Wasn't the ending I expected. But I liked it. Definitely will read the sequel.

    I didn't see any immediate errors grammatically but I wasn't able to go in depth.

    Before Arceus could utter the words let's go, a noise like a scream rippled through the dimension's sphere; there appeared a thin crack in the air itself, little more than a barely perceptible line, which split and spread into rows of what looked like squares of sky. Then, starting at the top and moving quickly downward, orderly at first then accelerating into complete chaos, the squares folded in on themselves and shattered with great crashes—the dimension was falling apart. Arceus shouted something inaudible over the sound of time and space breaking apart, and just as the earth began to shake, they started to teleport away. Looking up at the widening hole in the sky-dome in the instant before the five of them vanished, Darkrai could have sworn he saw a pair of solid red eyes fading away as the scream consumed everything…

    Reverse Darkrai looked on as the dimension crumbled around him, a million shattered fragments of sky rushing down amid a cacophony of unearthly noises. He smiled briefly as the ground at his feet began to collapse. Then, he was gone.
    Excellent description there. Keep up the good work.
    I will be offline from January 2013 to October 2014.

    Greetings from the asylum of my insanity.
    Chapter 3 and cooler banner coming eventually. :P

    Dex: 128 created! ~ DA and LJ links coming later.

  5. #25
    Join Date
    May 2006
    Location
    England
    Posts
    173

    Default

    Hope you don't mind me reviewing your fic.

    This is a review exchange review.
    Fics: The T-Legend
    Review Wanted: Anything you can offer me really

    Just because I can't leave a typo unnoticed [I blame my Dad for having OCD tendencies :P] I'll point them out if any pop up in each chapter.

    Prologue: Silhouette

    Excellent characterisation of Darkrai, perhaps as I would expect him to be but nonetheless extremely well portrayed. Description of his surroundings are very vivid. Don't think I can really suggest much more.

    1.
    was to have a name to shout [a?] preceding get out
    - Don't know if this is just me reading it incorrectly.
    2.
    Then he titled his head and gazed upwards
    [I'm assuming that's tilted.]

    Chapter 1: The Reverse Moon

    1.
    It never ceased to amaze her how comfortable was Arceus was talking to anyone
    You've managed already to adeptly equal the epicness of the Pokemon with the story line. What I mean by that is, it's refreshing to see that for once humans controlling Pokemon are not a means to saving the world and that the Legendary Pokemon do not sit idle whilst 'stuff goes down' on Earth. The 'threat' is also on a reasonable scale that would attract the attention of the Legendarys although I wonder, despite the lack of humans [and I know I'm only on Chapter 1] if there would be mention from Mew of the human's noticing the difference in the moon. Surely they would be researching into the mystery too.

    I also noticed you've assigned the Pokemon genders. Just out of curiosity did you base them completely on their looks or did you consider flipping the stereotypes?

    Personally I'm already knee-deep in your story. Your description and characterisation is so saturated its hard not to be.

    Chapter 2: The Duel

    Enjoyed the parallel travelling between Mew and Darkrai giving the impression of simultaneity and the speed quickly building up tension. Found the human deciding which fossil to choose hilarious because of the nonchalant way in which it is described [the narrative although third person seeming to bleed from Darkrai's unsocial personality.]

    1.
    With a roar, he hurled Mewtwo and [into?] the opposite wall of the cave.
    I literally did not want to stop to post the above quote. The fight scene was unreal. Not only did you perfectly portray the scene, you immediately caught Mewtwo's serious character in his initial response to Darkrai, despite the few lines he had.

    Curious to know if you'remaking up new attacks. Whilst they were expertly described I feel their lack of continuity with the rest of the Pokemon canon caught me off guard and pulled me out of the story ever so slightly. Otherwise kudos.

    Chapter 3: You Are Alone

    1.
    his Attack form features impressive spiky extensions to his head and legs, Defense was rounder
    [You change from present tense to past tense. Considering the rest is in the past I suggest you change feature.]

    2.
    and the darkness the swallowed him whole.
    [is that meant to be 'then' or is it just a retype?]

    3.
    but it did not hit any ceiling and continued rushing straight up until it the light was dimmed to nonexistence. Deoxys frowned mouthlessly.
    [not necessary]

    Just reading through elyvorg's review following this chapter and I completely disagree with the established connection between the chapters.
    there is a slight feeling of... disconnectedness about some of the events in them. Yes, there is the clear overarching plotline of the reverse moon
    Essentially what you've done so far is introduce several key characters who exist over a massive expanse of the planet, and some off-world. To have their stories be so immediately connected I think would feel forced and too blatant. We know [or one would hope] eventually they will collide together but we don't need it to be shown so obviously right from the start in my opinion. [Ok after reading your response, knowing that the Spiritomb attack was just a way of introducing Deoxys' character, I think more insight into their reason for attempting to kill him might be necessary. As a main character we know he isn't going to die like they want him to so the Spiritomb just appear like unnecessary battle fodder.]

    As for the attack calling, I don't think it slowed the pace of the battle and neither did it seem out of place. Rather, it just felt like the character poured more emotion into the attack but I can appreciate that to others it may read strange that it's not done all the time. On the other hand if it was the emotion behind it would lose height and it would read too clunky. Personally I think you have the right balance.

    One thing I didn't pick up on but I agree with is that canonically, the psychic attacks shouldn't work on Darkrai and Spiritomb. I guess one could say because they're legendary their power is that extreme. What are your thoughts on this? Ok just read your comments on typing. Fair enough. I don't think ignoring types removes anything from your story because it's not based considerably on the game or anime.

    I'm very impressed with the way that you've managed to capture the different personalities of the Legendaries. It could have been very easy, especially with three so far being of the same type [psychic connotations and stereotypes] and three of humanoid appearance to make them too similar. Separating their characters has made them much more individual and human, relatable despite the powers that make them seem much the opposite.

    It's getting late here, well 4:15am so I'm gonna stop there for now but I'll review the rest for definite asap. Can I double post if its a review? Hmmm. I hope
    If you're interested in FanFic please read up on my new story: The T-Legend. Much appreciated.



    Credit to Sworn Metalhead for the bombastic banner

Page 2 of 2 FirstFirst 12

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •