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Thread: Pokemon Mystery Dungeon: Team Hydro's Adventures. Reated T.

  1. #26
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    Hey~!

    Mm, I'm always a fan if PMD 'fics, and I'm certainly enjoying this so far. X3 Your writing style is nice and light, and quite enjoyable to read, and your spelling grammar is good from what I can see- although I'm afraid I'm not viewing this on the best of screens. My phone's a little rubbish. XD I quite like your characters, you have a fun selection, and the plot seems intriguing.

    At times, it'd be nicer to see you branching out in your descriptive style, though- at the moment you mostly provide a static list of features, such as 'the mouse-like pokemon was the colour of long unwashed socks, with a pair of black stripes darkening the ends of it's bent tail etcet.' This gets kind of dull for a while, and in general is slightly jarring: you halt the story to provide a description. Switching this style with a more subtle one, such as slipping the description into the story a little more, or using personification of inanimate forces to describe a setting, can bring a lil more variety. :3 Examples of each:

    'The wolf lay curled at the base of the well, small shudders rippling across his muddied fur as he struggled to draw each breath, his stunted tail twisted at an awkward angle behind him. Crimson bloomed across his chest, stark against the silver before it bled into the wiry black that curved around his front legs, and he whimpered his pain, curling his trembling paws closer to himself...'

    Not perfect, I know, but do you see?

    Personification: 'A shrill breeze shrieked through the canyon, tearing at it's worn, red sides and scrambling at the smooth edges of the boulders that littered it's floor...'

    Variety is the spice of life. :3 You have a decent amount of description, not too much, not too little, it'd just be nice to see a bit of a switch up. Experiment a lil. :3

    On your characterization: I quite like your main character. X3 I'm interested in seeing how this all plays out. :3

    I'm part of the review exchange, btw. :3
    Last edited by katiekitten; 29th August 2011 at 4:42 AM.


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  2. #27
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gelatino95 View Post
    Not much happened in this chapter, except some more introductions, so there's not much to be said. You didn't really reveal the species of that one pokemon on Team Aura, so I'm not sure what it is. There were quite a few mistakes too, and I think you said "Water" when you should have said "Fire". I suggest proofreading your chapters before releasing them. Your chapters aren't very long, so it shouldn't be that hard.

    Also, when are you going to decide on an avatar?
    Oh, I'll fit that in in the revision, but Yumi (if that's the one you mean) is a Mienfoo.

    Quote Originally Posted by Lucarimew1 View Post
    Your fanfic is brilliant and i was also thinking of writing a fanfic but i don't have many ideas at the moment.
    Neither do I, but you only need one or two to start a story. I mean, I only have three parts planned out in this story, so it's mostly just adlibbing as I go along.


    Unfortunately, I got hit by hurricane Irene andd lost power. Luckily, I have it back now and I wrote chapter five during the outage, so I'll type it up and post it after scchool. And I'll return the review afterwards Katie.

  3. #28
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    Neglect is neglectfully neglectful. And sad. Three days without a post and thirteen days without a new chapter. Good thing I have one now.

    Chapter 5: Babysitting

    “Team Hydro, please report to the main room!” a loud voice, which the four pokemon had learned belonged to Boomer, the guild’s Exploud guard, boomed.

    “Okay,” Crue yelled back. “One second.” Him, Drew, and Helm were I their shared room playing poker. The room was large and painted blue with three small pools of water that acted like beds. “Pocket Snowmen.” He layed down his hand to reveal a pair of eights.

    “I have four nines,” Drew replied, showing his hand of four nines and a six. “Looks like I’m winning.”

    “Royal Flush!” Helm yelled, throwing down his hand to reveal a 10, Jack, Queen, King, and Ace of Clubs.

    “No way,” Crue muttered in disbelieve. “How did he do that? That was his second royal flush in an hour!”

    “I have no idea,” Drew replied with wide eyes. “I’m just glad we aren’t playing for money, or we’d both be broke. Let’s get going to the main room so we don’t get yelled at by Sherman.”

    “Agreed.” Crue crawled out of the room, Drew and an ecstatic Helm following behind him.

    “There you boys are,” Sherman squawked as the boys came into the main room. “What took you so long?”

    “We were playing a little poker,” Crue said, shrugging off the question.

    “Poker, huh? Me and Bartleby enjoy a nice game of poker every now and then, but that’s not important. I have an important mission for you four.” Sherman pointed at the three boys and Spiral, who had beaten them there.

    “What is I?” Spiral asked.

    “It’s us!” Remy shouted, jumping out from behind Team Hydro.

    “And me!” Kurt yelled, following him.

    “Don’t forget this little cutie!” Kitty said, jumping in between her teammates.

    “Team Awesome!” the three yelled in unison.

    Sherman put a wing to his head before speaking. “Yes, Team Awesome. I want you guys to baby sit them for today.”

    “Why us?” Drew questioned.

    “They can’t be trusted by themselves, Donna has the flu, Team Wishers is doing a delivery mission, Team Aura is tracking an outlaw, Boomer and Bernie are busy on duty, me and Bartleby have dates with some girls, and I told you to. Any questions?”

    “Yeah, how did you get a date?” Boomer yelled from the other side of the guild.

    “Shut up Boomer or I’ll make you have to watch Team Awesome by yourself tomorrow!” Sherman yelled back. He turned back to Team Hydro to see them laughing and gave them an angry glare. “You know, maybe I should send you guys after that band of fire-types from before.” A shiver went down the water types’ spines- err, bodies. “That’s what I thought. Now then, I want you guys to escort Team Awesome to the Playground Forest. It is a small forest just to the south of Treasure Town and the pokemon there are rather weak and friendly, so it should be easy. Now, get going.”

    ()()()()()

    Ten minutes later, the two teams came to the forest’s entrance. “Yay, we’re her,” Remy cheered.

    “Double yay,” Kurt agreed.

    “And a cute, third yay,” Kitty added. The three held up their necklaces and held them up.

    “And here’s to a great adventure,” they said together.

    “What are those?” Spiral asked, pointing at their necklaces.

    “They’re our treasures. We got them on our first adventure. This is my Magby Claw which makes me stronger.” Remy flexed his skinny arm.

    “And this is my Elekid Claw, which also makes me stronger.” Kurt flexed like his friend.

    “And this is my Smoochum Song, which makes my sp-sp-sp, uhh. How do you pronounce it? Oh yeah, special! It makes my special moves more powerful!” Kitty laughed and twirled around.

    “So cute,” Spiral said. “Maybe you guys could tell us about your first mission some time soon.”

    “Yeah, but let’s get going so that we can get through this dungeon,” Crue suggested. The two teams then went into the Playground Forest.

    The first floor started with a small empty room with just a passage in one of the tree-lined walls. The two teams walked through it to find a larger room with just a purple monkey pokemon with a bulbous, three fingered hand on the end of its tail.

    “Aip,” the pokemon said, turning its head. “Aipom!” Six other Aipom jumped out of the trees surrounding the room. The seven monkey pokemon formed a circle around the two teams. Team Hydro got ready to attack as the Aipom… started dancing around them in a circle.

    “Watch out,” Crue warned. “Aipom are notorious thieves.”

    “”Oh, these cute things wouldn’t steal from us,” Kitty said, jumping into the Aipom circle.

    “And if they tried to, I’d sock ‘em right in the face,” Remy threatened.

    “Yeah, sock right in the face,” Kurt agreed, the two also joining the dance.

    “Aip!” The lead Aipom yelled, stopping. The other six followed. Suddenly, they grabbed the baby pokemon’s treasures and ran off into the trees.

    “Wait, stop1” Remy yelled, running after the Aipom. They quickly left sight, however, and he fell to his knees crying. “They t-t-t-took our treasures.”

    His two teammates also started crying. “Those meanies,” Kitty whined through her tears.

    “I should have socked ‘em,” Kurt complained, punching the ground.

    “D-don’t cry,” Drew tried to comfort them. “Please don’t cry.”

    “Come on cuties.” Spiral pulled the three baby pokemon into a hug. “It’ll be okay. We’ll get your treasures back, I promise. Don’t cry.”

    “She’s right,” Kitty said, rubbing her eyes.

    “Y-yeah,” Kurt agreed. “Let’s go into those trees and get ‘em!”

    “No,” Crue cut in. “The tree dense areas are filled with wild magic. If you go into them then you will go wild. The only hope is if we can run into the Aipom again.”

    The two teams made it through five more rooms before coming to the one with the stairs up. “Sorry we didn’t run into the Aipom, guys,” Spiral apologized. “But the wild magic could’ve done anything. They can be on any floor, so let’s not give up yet.”

    The seven went up the stairs to see a large, one room floor. In the center of the room, a mass of small pokemon surrounded a bipedal, dark green chameleon like pokemon. The chameleon pokemon looked up and smiled. “Hello explorers. I am Takuno, eldest of the Kecleon shopkeeper siblings.”

    “Kecleon shopkeeper siblings?” Drew questioned. “Kind of strange that there are so many Kecleon shopkeepers, like those two in Treasure town.”

    “Ahh, you know my younger brothers Desda and Ceista, the second and sixth of our siblings. There are sixteen of us and we cover all the dungeons and some towns.” The Kecleon turned invisible and then reappeared behind them, showing his bottom half, including a jagged red line around his waist and a long, curled up tail.

    “Wait, how do you guys cover all the dungeons? There is a lot of them,” Remy asked.

    “Well, you see, Kecleon are immune to the effects of wild magic. Me and my brothers have taken it a step farther and mastered the ability to use wild magic to transport us to other dungeons. I cover public dungeons were the danger is very low and wild pokemon are weak so that civilians may enter and buy from me. The wild pokemon will also occasionally trade items or money they find for food.” Takuno smiled and turned yellow. “So, how may I help you today?”

    “That is so cool,” Kurt loudly whispered to Remy.

    “I know,” Remy whispered back.

    “Wait, wild pokemon trade with you?” Spiral asked. “Have you seen some Aipom today?”

    “Oh yes, the Aipom trade with me regularly. They brought by a Magby Claw, an Elekid Claw, and a Smoochum Song around a few minutes ago and traded them for a dozen apples. Hey, would you like to buy them for the babies? Only 300 poke!”

    “300 poke! Those are our treasures,” Remy yelled at the shopkeeper.

    “Yeah, those Aipom stole them from us,” Kitty added.

    Takuno’s smile fell to a frown and he turned blue. “Oh really? I am quite sorry, but I do need to make a profit. How about 18 poke so that I can replace the dozen apples I traded and make a little bit?”

    “NO WAY!” Remy and Kurt yelled together. “THEY ARE OUR TREASURES, SO GIVE ‘EM BACK!”

    Takuno’s face became angry and he turned red. “Look kids, you shouldn’t have lost you stuff to the Aipom in the first place. I’m trying to cut you a massive deal, so unless you want to start a fight, pay up.”

    “That’s not a bad idea,” Remy said. “How about this, we fight and if I win we get our treasures for free. If I lose, then we’ll pay for them.”

    “No,” Spiral interrupted, pulling into her shell. She came back out holding a small pouch and pulled out six coins, three white and three pink. “Here you go.”

    Takuno instantly brightened up and turned back to his original green. “Thank you, here you go.” He grabbed the money and handed over the three necklaces. “Now then, I have more customers to deal with, but please come again any time.” Takuno disappeared again and reappeared in the middle of the mass of wild pokemon who have been waiting patiently for him.

    After Team Awesome shared a tearful reunion with their treasures, the pokemon continued on. The next two floors were uneventful with the wild pokemon staying away from them to avoid battles. However, when they reached the fifth, and final, floor, they saw a small pink blob pokemon standing in front of a closed white treasure chest.

    “Now all I need to do is open this and take the Ancient Ice Plate,” the Ditto said to himself, having not noticed the two teams. He tried to open the chest, but the top wouldn’t budge. He let out a curse and tackled the chest.

    “Watch your mouth!” Helm yelled at the Ditto.

    “What the?” The Ditto turned around and growled. “Sorry kids, but I can’t have any witnesses, so I’ll have to kill you all. Transform, Garchomp.” The Ditto grew from one foot to just over six feet tall and started transforming. He took the form of a bipedal shark with arms that had large fins on them, a tail with two small fins on it, and a large dorsal fin on his back. Two spikes were on each arm and leg, with a large claw on the tip of each arm. He turned from pink to a dark blue, except for a large red spot on his chest and stomach, a yellow patch on his lower stomach, and a star on his streamlined head. “Dragon Rush!” A blue aura surrounded him and he charged at the main characters.

    “Protect,” three voices said in unison. A thick blue shield of energy surrounded the two teams. The Ditto-Garchomp rammed into it and bounced off.

    “Who did that?” He angrily yelled.

    “We did,” a British accented voice replied, jumping into view to reveal itself as a Riolu. A Mienfoo and Togepi followed him.

    “Team Aura?!” Crue yelled in surprise. “How did you guys find us?”

    “We didn’t find you weaklings,” Yumi replied. “There was an aura distortion here so big we could sense it from Treasure Town. After we dropped off the outlaw we were tracking down we came here.”

    “Get out of here, you guys,” Odd told the two teams. “Our protect won’t survive much more.”

    “No, we’ll stand by you guys and help you fight him,” Drew said.

    “How heartwarming,” Ditto-Garchomp growled. “Too bad I’ll have to end this. Transform, Giga Hydreigon.” He grew much larger, almost twelve feet tall. He grew more bulbous, becoming a large blue dragon. Two purple stripes appeared down his chest, mixing into one that went down his tail, which had extended to five feet long and became more serpentine. His arms turned into snake like heads with black fur on their necks. His legs shriveled and became useless, but he also grew a half dozen thin wings that lifted him an inch off the ground, he couldn’t float any higher because of his size. A patch of black fur appeared on his upper chest, surrounding his three necks and a purple collar appeared around his main crocodilian head. “Flamethrower, Dark Pulse, Dragon Pulse.” A black ball of energy appeared in his left head’s mouth, while a blue one appeared in the right head’s mouth. He shot the two energy balls at the protect, causing it to shatter and fade away, as flames gathered in his middle head. “Die.” He shot the flamethrower at the explorers.

    “Attack now to stop it,” Ulric ordered. “Vacuum Wave.” He jumped into the air and spun around, shooting a wave of energy at the flamethrower.

    “Swift.” Yumi karate chopped the air, sending out a wave of stars.

    “Mirror Move.” A mirror of energy appeared in front of Odd that shot out a Swift.

    “Acid.” Crue built up a ball of acid and threw it at the opponent’s attack.

    “Bubblebeam.” Drew shot out a high speed stream of bubbles at the fire.

    “Scratch!” Helm jumped at the flames, ready to scratch them.

    “No,” Spiral said, grabbing him with one of her tentacles and pulling him back. “Just sit here. Watergun.” She sent a torrent of water at the fire attack.

    “Ember!” Remy shot out three little balls of fire which were absorbed into the blast.

    “Thunder Shock.” Kurt rapidly turned his arms, building up a weak electrical current that he shot our at the Ditto-Hydreigon’s Flamethrower.

    “EEK!” Kitty let out a scream and ran to the stairs.

    As the attacks slammed into the Flamethrower, a smoke overtook the room. “Surf!” The smoke cleared as the Ditto-turned-Hydreigon summoned a large wave of water.

    “Escape orb!” Ulric’s eyes glew blue and he summoned a blue orb that he smashed on the ground, causing a cloud to surround the ten guild members. When it cleared, they were back in the guild building.

    “What happened?” Sherman yelled, running out of Bartleby’s office.

    “We got attacked by a Ditto,” Ulric calmly replied as the members of teams Awesome and Hydro were trying to catch their breaths. “He transformed into a Garchomp and then a Hydreigon and tried to kill us. I was forced to use an escape orb to pull us out when he summoned a Surf.”

    “Do you have any idea why he was trying to kill you?” Sherman asked, concern pushing into his voice.

    “No, but on the way down the stairs we heard him mention an item called an Ancient Ice Plate. Do you have any knowledge on this object?” Ulric questioned.

    “No, can’t say I have,” Sherman replied. “Although it must have been important if he wanted to kill you over it. Do you know anything about this, Bartleby?”

    “No!” Bartleby yelled from his office.

    “Oh Barty, you’re so cute when you yell,” a female voice came out of the office.

    “Shermy, you aren‘t going to just leave me here, are you?” a second female voice said, also from the office.

    “Who are they?” Crue asked, having caught his breath and returned it to normal. “Wait, you brought your dates back here? Things must have gone good, eh?”

    “Uhh, errr, umm…Well, I guess you could say that. But that isn’t really important. Are you all safe? Were any of you hurt?”

    “No, we escaped unharmed. But his threat was very chilling and he seems like the kind of person to track down targets that escape him.” Crue said.

    “This is bad, quite bad. I want all of you to take a break for a while, just relax around the guild and do not leave Treasure Town for any reason. Now then, I have a Murkrow to get back to.” Sherman left back to the office.

    “Hmm, relax. Well then, I’m going to rest a little. Wake me up sometime tomorrow.” Drew floated off to his room to take a nap.

    “Anyone want to play some poker?” Crue asked the others.

    “Sure,” Ulric replied, most of the others agreeing.

    “Naw,” Remy replied, however. “I think I’ll go take a nap too.”

    “Me three,” Kurt said.

    “And me five.” Kitty smiled, not realizing that she missed four. The babies left the room in one direction as Crue went in another to get his cards.

    Crue entered his room to see Drew getting into his pool. “So, Drew. How does all this make you feel? You weren’t exactly big on the explorer idea when there wasn’t a psychotic Ditto who wanted to kill you.”

    “I don’t know what to think, truthfully.” Drew replied, closing his eyes. “But I am going to try and take a lesson from Helm and just be happy while I can. Night.”

    “Night Drew. See you later.” Crue grabbed his pack of cards and left the bedroom, hitting the lights for his teammate.


    Looooong chapter is long. Seven pages to be exact. That’s almost double an ordinary chapter. But I introduced the Kecleon shops, money (the money is Poke and they are coins that share colors with Monopoly money, so white 1, pink 5, so on. ), and the bad guys. Well, a bad guy. On a side note, while not stated in the story, the Ditto’s name is Psuede (Pronounced Suede). And just some extra little things. Firstly, there will be a little side chapter stemming from this chapter. Secondly, I am going to be doing a little contest. When you review, you can suggest a team of three pokemon, including names and personalities. I will pick the one I think is best and they’ll have a cameo. You must review at the same time, so don’t just be posting teams here. And KatieKitten, for some reason I’m having a bit of trouble getting your story to load. I’ll get it read and reviewed as soon as I can, but I’ll read and review it as soon as I can.
    Last edited by CuriousHeartless; 4th September 2011 at 10:55 PM.

  4. #29
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    Pretty good. I would like that you put in the history a Duosion. It is one of my fav Pokémon. I also like Luxio. But that isn't the point. The point is that this is a great story.
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  5. #30
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    This chapter wasn't so long. You should see Chapter XXIV of Supernova. Anyway, I'm glad to see a bit more action in this fic after all the boring introductions. It's a bit hard to memorize all the names of the pokemon, so maybe it would help people if you could include their species in the story? You're already doing that a bit, so just continue with what you're already doing.

    Another thing is that your transitions are way too abrupt. For example:

    Quote Originally Posted by Kissmygrass96 View Post
    "Now then, I want you guys to escort Team Awesome to the Playground Forest. It is a small forest just to the south of Treasure Town and the pokemon there are rather weak and friendly, so it should be easy. Now, get going.”

    Ten minutes later, the two teams came to the forest’s entrance. “Yay, we’re her,” Remy cheered.
    See how one paragraph, they're in the guild, and then a second later they're in the forest? That is way too abrupt and may confuse people. It also makes readers feel that the story is missing something. There are some ways to avoid this:

    1. Include some description of how the characters get to their destination. If doesn't have to be super detailed, one paragraph should be enough. Just give some information on what happened between these two points.

    2. Indicate that time has passed. Some people skip an extra line to leave some space in between the two paragraphs. I skip a line and use four tildes (~~~~). If it were up to me, I would make it look like this:

    Quote Originally Posted by Kissmygrass96 View Post
    "Now then, I want you guys to escort Team Awesome to the Playground Forest. It is a small forest just to the south of Treasure Town and the pokemon there are rather weak and friendly, so it should be easy. Now, get going.”

    ~~~~

    Ten minutes later, the two teams came to the forest’s entrance. “Yay, we’re her,” Remy cheered.
    I'll edit this post later with my team idea.

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  6. #31
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    Hmm. I won't have many transitions, but thanks. I'll use something like that for the few I do.

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    Bumping with some news. Firstly, two new chapters will be up in the next few days. One will be a normal chapter that is about 1/6 done. The second is a special chapter that is 1/4 done. Please everyone, R+R.

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    Yay, special chapters are always fun.

    ^ Click this for good times ^


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    Okay guys. Sorry for taking so long, but it's going to be quite a while until the next chapter. As such, I will give you guys a preview of the next chapter.

    Chapter 6 Preview: Tales of Treasure Town

    It had been two days since their last mission, and the three rescue teams were still stuck in Treasure Town. This is a chronicle of their adventures in the small town.

    The story of Crue

    Crue was sitting on a stool behind a black counter. He was in front of a large building shaped like a black ghost with a skull mask and one, red pupil. It was the Duskull Bank in Treasure Town, which was slightly misnamed as it’s owner was now a Dusclops, unlike a Duskull like he had been when the bank first opened. His father worked at the bank and had gotten Crue a temporary job there while he couldn’t go on missions.

    “This is a lot more boring than I though tit would be,” he muttered to himself.

    “Why hello there cutie,” a voice said. Crue looked to see a short rock pokemon with many branches sticking off.

    “Oh, hello there ma’am,” Crue greeted the Corsola.

    “Oh please, I’m only sixteen. You don’t have to call me ma’am, I can’t be any older than you. The name’s Cora.” The Corsola smiled at Crue.

    “Actually, you’re younger than me, I’m seventeen. So, Cora, what do you need?”

    “Well, I don’t actually have any business at the bank, but I saw this really cute worker there.” Cora giggled.

    “Cute worker? There’s just me, my dad, and his two business-ooh. I get it. Well, you don’t look bad yourself Cora.”

    “Oh, thank you.” Cora winked and hearts appeared around her.

    “Son,” a deep voice yelled from inside the building. The hearts around Cora disappeared with comical pops.

    “What is it dad?” Crue yelled back.

    “Who’s there? Is it a customer?” a second, growly voice yelled.

    “No, Mr. Sul. It’s just a girl.”

    “Is she here for a reason? Is there a line? If there’s a line and you’re just chatting with a girl then you’ll be fired!” Mr. Sul, a Duskull business partner of Crue’s dad and the owner of the bank, responded.

    “No, Mr Sul-” Crue was cut of by an explosion coming from a few streets away. “What was that?”

    “I have no idea,” Cora said. “You know, if you’re busy I can come back later. Maybe we could meet up here tonight and go get some dinner.”

    “I’d like that. What time?” Crue asked.

    “How about-”

    “Hi Crue, bye Crue.” Cora was cut off by a panicked voice. Drew looked up to see Drew running panickedly down the street. A vulture like pokemon wearing a bone skirt and with a large bone in black feathers on her head flew after him.

    “Was that a friend of yours?” Cora asked, watching the chase.

    “Uhh, yeah. He’s a friend of mine. Not sure why he was being chased by a Mandibuzz though. Think it may have been related to that explosion?”

    “No, they came from opposite directions. Well, I need to get going, so bye. Wait, what time should I come back?” Cora started walking away before stopping.

    “I think I asked you that. I get off at six, so how about then?” Crue replied.

    “Sure!” Cora smiled and then walked off.

    After she left, Crue started talking to himself. “I wonder what was up with that explosion. And with Drew. I’ll have to ask if the others know anything about them later.”

    “Are you talking to a customer?” Mr. Sul yelled from inside the building.

    “No, sir! I’m just talking to myself,” Crue yelled back.

  10. #35
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    Chapter 6: Tales of Treasure Town

    It had been two days since their last mission, and the three rescue teams were still stuck in Treasure Town. This is a chronicle of their adventures in the small town.

    The story of Crue

    Crue was sitting on a stool behind a black counter. He was in front of a large building shaped like a black ghost with a skull mask and one, red pupil. It was the Duskull Bank in Treasure Town, which was slightly misnamed as it’s owner was now a Dusclops, unlike a Duskull like he had been when the bank first opened. His father worked at the bank and had gotten Crue a temporary job there while he couldn’t go on missions.

    “This is a lot more boring than I though tit would be,” he muttered to himself.

    “Why hello there cutie,” a voice said. Crue looked to see a short rock pokemon with many branches sticking off.

    “Oh, hello there ma’am,” Crue greeted the Corsola.

    “Oh please, I’m only sixteen. You don’t have to call me ma’am, I can’t be any older than you. The name’s Cora.” The Corsola smiled at Crue.

    “Actually, you’re younger than me, I’m seventeen. So, Cora, what do you need?”

    “Well, I don’t actually have any business at the bank, but I saw this really cute worker there.” Cora giggled.

    “Cute worker? There’s just me, my dad, and his two business-ooh. I get it. Well, you don’t look bad yourself Cora.”

    “Oh, thank you.” Cora winked and hearts appeared around her.

    “Son,” a deep voice yelled from inside the building. The hearts around Cora disappeared with comical pops.

    “What is it dad?” Crue yelled back.

    “Who’s there? Is it a customer?” a second, growly voice yelled.

    “No, Mr. Sul. It’s just a girl.”

    “Is she here for a reason? Is there a line? If there’s a line and you’re just chatting with a girl then you’ll be fired!” Mr. Sul, a Dusclops business partner of Crue’s dad and the owner of the bank, responded.

    “No, Mr. Sul-” Crue was cut of by an explosion coming from a few streets away. “What was that?”

    “I have no idea,” Cora said. “You know, if you’re busy I can come back later. Maybe we could meet up here tonight and go get some dinner.”

    “I’d like that. What time?” Crue asked.

    “How about-”

    “Hi Crue, bye Crue.” Cora was cut off by a panicked voice. Drew looked up to see Drew running panicked down the street. A vulture like pokemon wearing a bone skirt and with a large bone in black feathers on her head flew after him.

    “Was that a friend of yours?” Cora asked, watching the chase.

    “Uhh, yeah. He’s a friend of mine. Not sure why he was being chased by a Mandibuzz though. Think it may have been related to that explosion?”

    “No, they came from opposite directions. Well, I need to get going, so bye. Wait, what time should I come back?” Cora started walking away before stopping.

    “I think I asked you that. I get off at six, so how about then?” Crue replied.

    “Sure!” Cora smiled and then walked off.

    After she left, Crue started talking to himself. “I wonder what was up with that explosion. And with Drew. I’ll have to ask if the others know anything about them later.”

    “Are you talking to a customer?” Mr. Sul yelled from inside the building.

    “No, sir! I’m just talking to myself,” Crue yelled back.

    ()()()

    The story of Drew

    Drew looked around the store. Racks and shelves of various products were everywhere. “Wow,” he muttered.

    “I agree,” Spiral said from next to him. “Oh, look at those Pecha Scarves, they are so cute.”

    Drew looked at the white-flecked pink scarves. “Hmm. Pink isn’t really my color. Now green, that’s a good color for me, or yellow. Oh, do you see a worker? I want to know if they have any Wacan Scarves.”

    “Yes?” a voice asked form behind them. The two turned around to see a purple Kecleon. “How may I help you?”

    “Oh, Mr. Siesta. Yes, you can. I was wondering if you guys had any Wacan Scarves?” Drew asked.

    “I believe there are a few by the men’s room,” Mr. Siesta answered, smiling. “Do you need anything else?”

    “No, but thank you,” Drew told the Kecleon.

    “That reminds me,” Spiral said. “I need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back.” Spiral went in one direction while Drew went in the other.

    As he was going along, Drew felt his tentacles brush something and then a bright light surrounded him. Drew closed his eyes, and when he opened them, he was in a dimly-lit bar. “What the heck? Where am I?”

    “Heh, looks like Felix got another one,” the grey, bipedal rhinoceros like Rhydon bartender said with a laugh. “Name’s Bud, boyyo. This is the Dizzy Dragon Bar. What’s your name, laddy?”

    “Oh, um, Drew. My name’s Drew. Who’s Felix, and what do you mean that he got me?”

    “Look under ya’self, boy.” Bud replied. Drew looked down to see that he was floating on a gold, fox like pokemon that appeared to be sleeping.

    “Agh.” He jumped back and accidentally hit someone. “Oh, uh sorry.” He turned his large head to see a black, bird pokemon that was covered in a liquid that smelled highly of alcohol

    “Oh, you done it boyyo,” Bud told him. “That’s Mabe, a Mandibuzz that comes around here often. Luckily for you, she is a bit slow on the draw. But when she starts going, you need to be gone a long way from here. Now go.”

    “Okay, where’s the exit?” Drew asked. Bud pointed to an empty doorway, which Drew took off at.

    “Get back here you-” Drew slammed into the wall, sending a wave of pain through his body strong enough to block out the end of the Mandibuzz’s sentence. He backed up and ran out the door, the bone vulture pokemon following.

    As he was running, Drew saw an explosion near the middle of Treasure Town, and turned towards it. He then noticed Crue sitting on a stool in front of the local bank talking to a Corsola. “Hi Crue, bye Crue.” He turned the corner and ran down that street too.

    “Get back here,” the Mandibuzz screeched. “I’ll kill you.”

    “Then I’m not stopping!” Drew turned another corner to see a dip in the road. “Awesome, I can hide there.”

    “That was awesome!” Helm yelled, jumping out of the hole.

    “Move over Helm, I’m coming in!” Drew jumped into the hole next to Helm and a red and white ball pokemon. “what’s up with the Electrode?”

    “Long story!” Helm yelled, attracting the Mandibuzz’s attention.

    “I see you!” She dived at the two, but they jumped out of the way, making her hit the Electrode which let out an electric blast, knocking her out.

    “Quick, get out now,” Drew told Helm. The two got out of the hole and walked a few roads away before talking again.

    “That was more awesome than me being blasted from a cannon!” Helm yelled.

    “Being blasted from a cannon? When were you blasted out of a cannon?” Drew asked.

    “Earlier today!”

    “You’ll have to tell me about that later. Let’s go find your sister for now.”

    “Yay, sister.” The two walked back to the store to try and find Spiral.

    ()()()

    The Tale of Spiral

    “That reminds me,” Spiral said. “I need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back.” Spiral went in one direction while Drew went in the other. However, Spiral didn’t know the layout of the store and quickly got lost. “Where am I? I don’t know this place well, I only use the quick checkout counter. Man, why did I let Drew talk me into a shopping day with him And what is that clicking noise?” Indeed, she had been hearing a clicking noise since she first entered the store, but it seemed to get louder now. “Man, I feel-” she suddenly fell asleep.

    ()()()

    A loud crash woke Spiral up. She looked up to see that she was in a dark, grimy room. “Wh-where am I?” Then, there was another crash and a pokemon came flying in, crashing through a door that she hadn’t noticed yet. She looked at the long pokemon that was lying on its back. It had a black body with two metal spiked circlets around it. The pokemon’s thighs were thick and red with metallic two toed-feet. Protruding from red, covered shoulders were arms that were encased in bladed gauntlets. A red helmet with an axe like horn was on its head.

    Suddenly, a tall green pokemon jumped into the room. He was just as tall as the other pokemon would have been if it was standing up. Spiral stared at his long, thin green arms with blades protruding from the shoulders, his white face that was covered in hair that looked like a green helmet with a large mint colored crescent, his thin waist which lead down to his thick white legs, and a strange red growth on his chest. “A Gallade.” she muttered to herself. Gallade’s were famous for being kind beings that would rescue pokemon in trouble.

    “Oh, hello,” the Gallade said, noticing that Spiral was awake. “I’m Archibald. This fiendish Bisharp kidnapped you. Who knows what would have happened if I didn’t stop him. Here, let me transport you to safety and get this criminal to the police. Teleport.” Archibald glew with a white light and he picked up Spiral and grabbed one of the Bisharp’s wrists. The light flashed even brighter, causing Spiral to shut her eyes. When she opened them, instead of being somewhere safe, she was in a room that looked identical to the last except the door was intact.

    “Where are we, Archibald?” Spiral asked, pulling into her shell.

    “Shut up, you fool.” Archibald threw her against the wall so hard that even her shell didn’t stop the pain. She landed upside-down, with tears in her eyes. An evil smile crossed the Gallade’s face. “This is my secondary torture room. I’ve never had to bring one of my victims here before, and you surely aren’t the first victim I’ve had. I guess I’ll get to break it in with your blood.”

    “N-n-no! Please, don’t!” Spiral begged.

    “Don’t worry, I won’t kill you. Yet.” Archibald let out a laugh that scared Spiral and made her cry even more.

    “Why me!?” Spiral asked.

    “Because I could. You were weak and now you’ll suffer for it.”

    N-no she won’t,” the Bisharp said, unsteadily getting up. “I won’t let you. Swords Dance.” He spun around quickly, regaining his balance and boosting his strength. “You took me down easily before, but now that I know I can help save her, I won’t let you win. Iron Head!” He charged at Archibald, head first.

    “Close Combat.” The Gallade pulled back his fist and flung it forward.

    “Stone Edge.” The Bisharp jumped back at the last second and summoned a myriad of sharp stones made of energy that struck his opponent’s arm, tearing it up and causing it to bleed on the floor. Then, he continued the Iron Head, slamming into Archibald head first so hard that hey were both knocked back. “Faint Attack.” He disappeared, and then reappeared above Archibald, striking down with a fist covered in dark energy, knocking out the psychic type. “There, beat that freak. Here, let me help you up.” He grabbed Spiral and lifted her up to his shoulder. “Sorry I couldn’t stop him before he threw you against the wall. That must have been painful.”

    “Thank you!” Spiral’s tears reinvigorated and she hugged her savior’s head with her tentacles.

    “No problem, just helping out a ‘mon in need. The name’s Grimsley, by the way. Now then, let’s get you to safety and him to the police. But first, what’s your name?”

    “Sp-Spiral. Thank you so much. I’ll never be able to repay you, you saved my live.”

    “You don’t have to. You know, I think I have something you should have, but first we need to get out of here.” Grimsley picked up Archibald by his waist and walked up to the door, kicking it in and walking out of the building to go to the police station and hospital.

    ()()()

    The Tale of Helm:

    Helm was randomly wandering around Treasure Town. “This is boring!” he yelled out.

    “Well then be bored no longer,” a manly voice yelled, drawing Helm’s attention. The source was a ball like Electrode. “For you can win a free ticket to the Electrode Brothers Show of Awesome! All you need to do is answer a riddle. But first you have to agree to the terms of the challenge. I can give you any riddle I want and you must answer it correctly with just one guess to win the ticket. However, here’s where things get intense. If you agree to join but lose, you have to buy the ticket and you must pay its regular price of 200 Poke. Do you agree?”

    “Okay!” Helm yelled excitedly. “But I’m no good at riddles.”

    “Well, we’ll see. You know, I’ll be willing to give you two trial questions to help get your brain going. First one, what do you put into a barrel of water to make it lighter?”

    “Oh, um, air!” Helm said, confident he was right.

    “Wrong kiddo. It’s a hole. Okay, here’s a second one. A Slaking in City A leaves to City B. A Flareon in City B is going to City along the same route, but the opposite direction. Who will be closer to City A when the two meet?”

    “The Flareon!” A flash of mischief entered his eye for a second, but the Electrode didn’t notice it.

    “Sorry, they would be the same distance, so neither would be closer to City A. Well, those are the trial questions, here’s the real one, and a real doozie.” The Electrode turned around and turned back around with a bag. He opened it up and dumped out two containers and a bottle of water. “Okay kid, the big container holds five cups of water and the small one holds three cups. Use the water from the bottle and the two containers to fill one container with exactly four cups.”

    “Okay. Let’s see. Fill up this big 5-cup one. Then dump three of those into the small cup. Pour those three back into the bottle, and put the two from the large cup into the small. Refill the big cup, and dump one cup into the small one, leaving four in the big one. There you go!” The Electrode’s jaw dropped as Helm did the puzzle so easily.

    “I think I just got conned. Anyways, here’s your ticket.” He grabbed a ticket out of the bag that had the containers in it with his mouth and handed it to Helm. “The show is at ten, the address is on the ticket. See you there.”

    “Okay, thank you mister!” Helm happily yelled as the Electrode rolled off, grumbling something under his breath.

    ()()()

    Helm looked at the big, red and white striped tent. “Wow! Cool!” He went in, handing his ticket to an Electrode at the entrance. When he got in, he got onto the stands and started watching the show. Three Electrode, including the one he met earlier that day, used their explosive powers to do multiple stunts. After about an hour of stunts, the Electrode lined up and started talking.

    “Hello, we are the Electrode brothers. We have been doing our circus for years now, but we are going to be closing soon due to some fiscal problems. As such, we were doing a special giveaway today were we went around town and gave riddles and challenges to citizens of Treasure Town for a free ticket. Only one person won a ticket, a young Kabuto. Will you please come down?”

    Helm jumped out of the stands to the ground. “Yes?”

    “What the, that was a huge jump, how did you do that?” the lead Electrode asked. “Never mind, that isn’t important. What is important is your special price. For winning the free ticket, you get to be in our last stunt ever. We normally finish things off by two of us getting into a cannon and one of us exploding, sending the other flying as a Pokemon cannonball. Well, if you want to, you can replace the flying electrode tonight. What do you say, do you want to do it?”

    “Yes! I want to be a cannonball!” Helm yelled in response.

    “Okay. Well, you already have a built in helmet, so just go ahead and get in the cannon after my brother gets in,” the Electrode replied. One of the other two got into the cannon and Helm got in after him.

    “Get ready kid. Get set, Explosion!” The Electrode in the cannon glew white and let out a wave of energy, Helm latching onto him as the energy started coming out. “Let go kid, if you hold on to me I’ll go fly-” a second, large wave of energy went out from the Ball Pokemon’s body, sending the two flying from the cannon. They ripped through the top of the tent and continued flying, landing hard on a street somewhere in Treasure Town.

    “That was awesome!” Helm yelled, jumping out of a dip in the road caused by their collision.

    “Move over Helm, I’m coming in!” Drew jumped into the hole next to Helm, surprising the shellfish pokemon. “What’s up with the Electrode?”

    “Long story!” Helm yelled.

    “I see you!” A Mandibuzz screeched, diving at the two, but they jumped out of the way, making her hit the Electrode which let out an electric blast, knocking her out.

    “Quick, get out now,” Drew told Helm. The two got out of the hole and walked a few roads away before talking again.

    “That was more awesome than me being blasted from a cannon!” Helm yelled.

    “Being blasted from a cannon? When were you blasted out of a cannon?” Drew asked.

    “Earlier today!”

    “You’ll have to tell me about that later. Let’s go find your sister for now.”

    “Yay, sister.” The two walked around a little before getting to a store.


    ()()()

    Some insight to this chapter. The day before I started typing it up (Which was a while ago, but it took me forever to finish this chapter), I watched a 24 hour Avatar: The Last Airbender marathon on Nicktoons. I decided to draw some inspiration from an episode for this chapter, but I wasn’t sure on which episode. I eventually decided to draw inspiration from my favorite episode, ‘Tales of Ba Sing Se.’ So, I did a “The Tale of X” thing for each of Team Hydro’s members. After a bit over a week of working, I decided to just cut Helm’s really short to let me post before this dies. Also, I am looking for a beta reader if anyone’s interested. Sorry for Helm’s section being so terrible, I’ll try to remake it some time to make it better. I think I may have focused too much of Spiral’s story, it kinda wore my creativity out for a long time.
    Last edited by CuriousHeartless; 25th September 2011 at 3:14 PM.

  11. #36
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    I've read it. Is pretty good but I found a little mistake:

    “Okay!” Drew yelled excitedly. “But I’m no good at riddles.”
    I think that is Helm here.

    Well. The histories were really good. And that was the only mistake I found.
    I'm chilean. I'm dislexic. But I can write in English. 73% of teenagers would cry if they saw Justin Bieber standing on top of a skyscraper about to jump. If you are the 27% sitting there with popcorn and 3D glasses, screaming "DO A BACKFLIP!", copy and paste this in your signature.
    This is Turtwig, he was the most under appreciated starter in Diamond & Pearl. If you picked Turtwig as your starter, put this in your sig. Started by Dax-360


    I've claimed Kingdom Hearts: Chain of Memories! One of the best GBA games. Got it memorized?

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    Quote Originally Posted by DarknessInZero View Post
    I've read it. Is pretty good but I found a little mistake:



    I think that is Helm here.

    Well. The histories were really good. And that was the only mistake I found.
    I fixed that. What histories?

  13. #38
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    Well, the tales. Sorry if that sounded confusing.
    I'm chilean. I'm dislexic. But I can write in English. 73% of teenagers would cry if they saw Justin Bieber standing on top of a skyscraper about to jump. If you are the 27% sitting there with popcorn and 3D glasses, screaming "DO A BACKFLIP!", copy and paste this in your signature.
    This is Turtwig, he was the most under appreciated starter in Diamond & Pearl. If you picked Turtwig as your starter, put this in your sig. Started by Dax-360


    I've claimed Kingdom Hearts: Chain of Memories! One of the best GBA games. Got it memorized?

    I've claimed Duosion. Fear the cell.

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    Nice work on this. There were a few name mix-ups, so I highly suggest proofreading your chapters before posting them in the future. As usual, Helm is such a funny character.

    ^ Click this for good times ^


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    Bump. I gotta hand over the computer to my brother. I will work on the next chapter when I get the computer back. Sorry y'all for taking so long, but my computer crapped out meaning I lost the chapter and couldn't start working on it again till today.

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    I hate it when that happens. Hang in there; you can take as long as you want to make the next chapter.

    ^ Click this for good times ^


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    Yeah. It sucked. Also, a little thing. My birthday passed in the time since the last update, so I'm going to be doing a birthday chapter not next, as that one was already half written and I'll just rewrite it and finish that chapter as it was, but the chapter after that. Although, I just want ot point out that our days have Norse roots and our months have Roman roots, so the days and months in the fic will be different then ours.

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    so far I re read the first two chaptor and have to say your really good.

    detail character are pretty dead on to how they suppose to be

    and the humor is a very good touch and great keeping the character close if not prefectly to their game coutner part


    “Uh, Guild master Bartleby. He was knocked out, not put to sleep. You’re not helping.”

    “Oh, really? Sing!” Bartleby sang a quick tune, making Sola fall asleep. “Now, Wake-Up Slap.” He slapped the Frillish a few more times before stopping. “Hmm, I wonder why this isn’t working.”

    “Bartleby, what are you doing this time?” Another pokemon came out of the building, this one looked like a multicolored parrot. His wings were blue, his body was green, and he had a yellow, bib like structure on his neck. His head looked like a black eight note with black eyes covered by pink eyelids and a pink beak while his neck was covered in a white, fluffy collar. As he walked up to the Wigglytuff, his metronome like tail waved back and forth. “Oh my god! A fainted Frillish! But why does he have red marks on his cheeks?”
    lol make note never fall asleep near Wigglytuff.

    overall I rate the first two chapter 4 out five.

    I read the other when I get time to
    credit to GrovyleCelebi for the banner, come and join us.

    I offically claim Cheekyshipping/ Max/Masato x Mira/Miru

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    You should have waited until after I posted darklord, but thanks for the review. Here is the long awaited chapter 7.

    Chapter 7: Guardian Angel


    "Guys, I'm back!" Crue yelled as he entered the guild building and looked around to see it empty. "Hey, where is everyone?"

    "They're in the infirmary!" Boomer yelled from somewhere else in the building.

    "Thanks, Boomer!" Drew responded.

    "You aren't even going to ask why?"

    "I'll just assume it's Drew." Crue went to the infirmary door and opened it, seeing Drew, Helm, Bartleby, and a Scrafty standing around a bed. "Well, I guess it wasn't Drew. So, guys, who's in the bed?"

    "What? Oh, hey Crue," Drew said, turning around with a sad expression on his face. "It's Spiral, something bad happened."

    "What? What happened? And who's the Scrafty?"

    "My name is Grimsley," the Scrafty replied. "As for what happened to your friend, well, it's quite a story. I was home today because my daughter was sick and I had to take the day off work. I was sitting in my living room when I saw Archibald, my neighbor across the street, walking home holding your friend. I got a knot in my stomach and just felt like the whole thing was wrong. I ran out my door and yelled to him. He turned around, ran at me, and punched me in the face. He must not have hit me as hard as he thought, because I was still conscious, although weak. He dragged me into his house and threw me onto his couch. He went to throw your friend in his basement. When he came back up, I attacked him. However, he threw me into a wall and then knocked me into his basement through the door.

    "He followed into the basement and convinced Spiral here that he was the good guy and I was the one to kidnap her. He then teleported us to a secondary hideout and threw your friend against the wall. The sound from her hitting it made me sick. I couldn't stand to know someone like him was alive and free. Adrenaline started pumping into my blood and I attacked him. I used a Stone Edge to tear up his arms and then I knocked him out. I grabbed both of them and was able to use the residual psychic energy of Archibald's teleport to transport us here. The doctor's healed them both and Archibald was taken for questioning by the police."

    "Amazing. I-I don't mean what he was doing," Drew said. "I mean what you did, saving Spiral and using residual teleport energy. I remember hearing my parents talk about a great explorer that learned to use residual energy from teleportations to teleport himself. In fact, he was a Scrafty too. And his name was Grimsley." Drew's eyes grew larger and his voice quickened. "And he's probably you. This is so cool."

    "I'm no sure if that is good, creepy, or both. May I ask who your parents are, because I'm not sure how they would know me?" Grimsley asked.

    "Oh, my mom is named Prin and my dad is named Les, but they are both just boat builders so I'm not sure how you'd know them."

    "Prin and Les? I remember them. I never really knew Prin past her being Les's girlfriend. I wonder why they never told me they were getting married or sent something to tell me. It's been, what, twenty years since I saw them. How old are you, boy?"

    "I'm sixteen. I didn't know my parents were friends with someone so famous. You were in a rescue team right? Did they know the others in the team?"

    "Yeah, they did," Grimsley answered, looking at the door. "Give me a second." He walked out the door.

    "Good man," Bartleby said in amazement. "He saved Spiral. Although, I wonder were he's going."

    ()()()

    As Grimsley walked out of the medical room, he looked around the guild. "Looks like my old friend made a good life for himself. I wonder where he is." He continued walking when he heard Sherman talking to himself through an ajar door. Grimsley knocked on the door and then pushed it open and walked into the room. There were file cabinets against three of the walls and papers were scattered along the floor, Sherman running about in them knocking them every which way. "Sherman, is that you? You seem stressed."

    "It's nothing Grimsley," Sherman said, running to a cabinet before quickly turning around. "Grimsley? What are you doing here?"

    "You haven't heard, yet? That little Omanyte, Spiral, almost got killed and I saved her. She's in the infirmary and the man that did it to her is with the police. What's going on with you?" Grimsley replied, leaning against the only wall next to the door, the only one not covered in cabinets.

    "What? Spiral almost got killed? This is terrible. I need to go check this out immediately." Sherman ran towards the door, but tripped on some papers and fell.

    "Here, Sherman," Grimsley said, pulling up the bird. "There is really no need to go right now, she's still unconscious. Right now, we need to catch up. I just need to contact my babysitter and we can go."

    "I guess there's no point in arguing. And you have a kid now; we really need to catch up. Where should we go?"

    "Where else, Lucinda's. It's where the team went after every successful mission after all."

    "It's also where the team split up." Sherman sighed and rubbed down a spot of raised feathers on his stomach.

    "Same old Sherman," Grimsley said with a slight smirk. He reached into his loose skin and pulled out a blue rectangle. "Look on the bright side for once. Now then, give me a second." He lifted the blue rectangle in front of his face. "Contact, Emma." The top of the blue box rippled like water before forming an image. A blue sheep's heads stared out of it with two rounded black-and-yellow horns sticking out of the side of its head. Cream colored wool filled the background.

    "Hello, Mr. Shroud. What is it?" the Mareep asked.

    "Hello, Emmy. I had some, umm, important business and had to rush out of the house. I'll be gone a bit and was wondering if you could watch Sara." Grimsley replied.

    "Sure Mr. Shroud," Emmy responded with a smile. "Although, wasn't Emmy supposed to be at Georgia's house today?"

    "Yeah, but she's got a little flu and had to stay home. Thanks for doing this on such short notice."

    "No problem. Anything else you need?"

    "Could you pick up some Pecha and Koba berries on the way? I'll pay you back," Grimsley replied.

    "Sure, bye." The picture rippled and faded back to blue.

    Grimsley slipped the blue rectangle back into his loose skin and turned back to Sherman. "Okay, you ready to go?"

    "As ready as I'll ever be, Grimsley," Sherman replied. The two walked out of the room, Sherman tripping on a file on the way out.

    ()()()

    The two Pokémon were seated at a small booth in a dimly-light restaurant. "Man," Sherman muttered. "This place sure brings back memories. It's been years since I last came to Lucinda's. I wonder if they still remember what my usual is after all this time."

    "Probably, you ordered it about twenty times a month back in the days. I still come here occasionally with my daughter, so they definitely remember my usual," Grimsley said, pushing the worn menu sitting on the table in front of him toward the table's center. "So, while we're waiting for the waitress, we should start catching up. How are you and Clare doing?"

    Sherman rubbed his head with his wing. "It ended badly. She was cheating on me so we broke up. How about you and Lindzee?"

    "Good. We moved to Greenleaf Town about a month after the team broke up and got married shortly after we moved. We actually moved back here a few onths ago when I got a new job. Sorry to hear about Clare cheating on you, that must have sucked. Have you gotten back into dating?" the hoodlum Pokémon asked.

    "Not until recently. I went on a double date with Bartleby, my boss, not long ago," Sherman answered, watching for a waitress.

    "Bartleby? Like Bartleby from school, the kid who was always trying to be a rescue hero? I thought that Wigglytuff at the guild looked familiar." Grimsley tapped the table and a Ditto waitress came over to the table.

    "Yeah, he's really grown up. But I guess we all have," Sherman replied. He then turned towards the Ditto. "Can I have some unsweet tea and a salad?"

    "Sure," the Ditto said, turning the end of one of her limbs into a small notepad with 'unsweet tea and salad' written on it. "And do you want your usual, Grimsley?"

    "Yes, please, Martha," Grimsley replied. After the Ditto left, he turned back to his flying companion. "Now then, Sherman, time for business. Tell me, you find it weird that me, you, and Les are being brought back together now too, right?”

    ”Well, yes. I find it extremely curious. Although I don’t see anything suspicious, it could just be one big coincidence, like when we first met.”

    “This is as much a coincidence as you being a Chatot is.” Grimsley twitched and then he stared down at the table. “Truth be told, I’ve been having dreams lately that you, Les, Marigold, and Nite are in. I thought they were just nostalgic dreams of when we were younger and still a team, but something seemed wrong, and I know what it was now. Your eyes are dull and you have slight creases between your feathers from age which you didn’t have when you were younger, but you had them in my dream. Les and Marigold both seemed older in my dream, and Nite had a shell that was made up of chips of rock put together. I can understand Marigold and Les, because they’ve obviously gotten older, but I’m not sure what is up with Nite.”

    “You haven’t heard?” Sherman asked.

    “Heard what?”

    Sherman's voice dropped to a whisper. “The Fossil Kingdom was wiped out last month by an army.”

    Grimsley’s eyes widened and fear entered his voice “Wh-what army?”

    “I don’t know. I only know it got wiped out. All residents, including Nite, his wife, and their son and daughter died. Although, there are rumors that the prince escaped, but no one knows where he is if he did survive.”
    “Why hasn’t this been in the news?” A hint of rage entered his voice underneath the fear. “This is a big thing; the High Order can’t just keep this a secret.”

    ”I don’t know why, no one knows. Only high ranks guild members and government officials were allowed to know this information but I am not sure why. I'd think that as a friend of Nite you might have gotten the news.”

    ”Here you go boys,” Martha said, walking up to the table holding two platters t hat she set down in front of them with their orders on them. “Just call me when you’re ready for the check or if you need anything.”

    “Thank you, miss. I’ll make sure to call when I’m done,” Sherman said to her.
    “No then, me and my friend are having a very important talk, would you please go on? No offense, it’s just really personal.”

    ”No problem, honey.” The Ditto walked away to another table and they started eating their food and talking.

    ()()()

    The two men walked into the infirmary. Spiral was still lying in bed, but she had regained consciousness and the other members of Team hydro gathered around her. A disk shaped Pokemon floated to the side. It was black with a gray section on the top of its head that a yellow antenna stuck out of. Two small sections stuck to its side that had eyes with minute black pupils, a screw sticking out of their back, and a magnet attached to their underside that hey turned every few seconds. The main body looked at them with a single eye with a large red pupil.

    “Hello Wigglytuff Guild Guild Assistant Leader Sherman and civilian. I, Zone, chief of the Treasure Town Police Force, have come to inform you of a new update in the case involving your guild member, Spiral Nautilus. Suspect Archibald Tsurugi has been interrogated and admitted to 28 charges of abduction, 28 charges of using an attack with the intention to cause harm, 28 charges of torture, 27 accounts of murder, and 1 account of attempted murder. He will be transported to the High Order for trial. It is also requested that main witnesses Spiral Nautilus and Grimsley Shade also be brought to assist trial. One guild-run rescue team is also required to accompany witnesses while the police transport suspect.”

    “Tw-tw-twenty eight abductions, attacks, and tortures? Twenty-seven murders? One attempted murder?” Sherman balled his wings into fists. “So if it wasn’t for Grimsley, Spiral would be dead. He deserves no less than death for this." Sherman looked at Spiral lying in the infirmary bed, clearly barely staying awake. "I think I know the perfect team to go with her. Team Hydro, your suspension from missions is hereby ended and you are to escort Spiral and Grimsley to the High Order.”

    “Okay sir,” Drew said, saluting with one of his arms. “But one question. Where is the High Order?”

    “Just follow Grimsley. He knows the route. You will be heading out tomorrow morning, so get plenty of sleep.” Sherman walked to the doorway. “Drew, will you please show Chief Zone the way out? I’m going to bed.”

    “Yes sir. This way, Chief Zone.” Drew put an arm on Chief Zone and led him out of the room.

    “I-I’m going to bed too,” Crue commented, going to his room. “Get to bed soon Helm.”

    After the others left the room, Helm climbed up onto he bed next to Spiral, who had lost consciousness again. “I’m sorry. I love you. Night.” He closed his eyes and passed out.

    “Heh heh. Bunch of emotional losers,” a high-pitched voice muttered in the shadows as two flashes of white sped along the side of the room towards the door. “I’ll be glad when you are all just mangled corpses.”


    ---
    Some quick notes: The team that Grimsley and Sherman were in was Team Guardian Angels. It was supposed to be int he chapter, but I couldn't find a good place to insert it so I'm just putting it here. Also, because I always like my fans, I am still allowing character suggestions or cameos.

  20. #45
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    The plot seems to be thickening. I hope Team Guardian Angels makes some more appearances in the future, maybe some surprise where they band together to save someone from a near-death experience. Grimsley seems to be an interesting character, so I hope you continue developing him on the way to the High Order. And I certainly expect some type of complication along the way; the story would be oh-so predictable otherwise. I'm glad to see that there's some sort of coherent plot going on now. Before this, the fic was mostly just made up of disconnected short stories with little substance. Keep up the good work.

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    A few things:

    First:
    Updates. I updated the first post with the PM list along with a table of chapters.

    Secondly:
    I have the first four chapters posted on FF.net under the pen name DuftmonX2. The others will follow shortly and it'll be caught up by the end of the week.

    Thirdly:
    Just a thanks to all my readers.

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    Chapter 8: Gems of Victory Road

    “Drew, wake up,” Crue said, poking Drew with his tentacle.

    “Five more minutes Crue,” Drew sleepily muttered back.

    “You said that five minutes ago. Now get up and get ready so we can head out. You do want the jerk that kidnapped Spiral punished don’t you? They kinda can’t do that without any witnesses.”

    “Oh crap, forgot about that!” Drew yelled, jumping out of his sleeping pool and landing on Crue. “Oh, uh, I’m sorry. Good thing I’m a ghost so I can just float up.” Drew floated up, getting off a glaring Crue.

    “Just get ready, we’ll be gone for a few days, so prepare accordingly.” Crue grabbed a bag from next to his pool and walked out of the boys’ shared room.

    “I will,” Drew said back, grabbing an identical bag from next to his pool.

    ()()()

    Drew came out of the room holding a full bag and saw Crue waiting for him alongside Grimsley, Helm holding a weak looking Spiral on his back, Bartleby, Sherman, and a Corsola.

    “Finally,” Crue said. “We can finally head out.”

    “Who’s the Corsola?” Drew asked.

    “Oh, I guess I should explain her.”

    “I can talk for myself,” the Corsola spoke up with a smile. “My name’s Coraline but you can call me Coral, real original, I know. I’m going along because the High Order’s trials are public forums and I’ve always wanted to go.”

    ”Okay, but one question. What does public forum mean?” Drew asked.

    “Well-It means-” Coral started before being cut off by Sherman.

    “You can tell him about it on your way, but you kids really should get going. Grimsley knows the way to Victory Road, a mystery dungeon that will lead you to the High Council. It has a high potency of wild magic and attracts strong wild Pokemon, but the High Order has personnel that work to keep the wild Pokemon under control and calm, so they shouldn’t bother you unless you bother them first. It is actually four parts and they are all long; the first is a forest dungeon which lets out into a cave. It then exits onto an underground lake area which has plenty of land area, but it may be easier to navigate the waters as you are mostly water-types and Grimsley is a strong swimmer. The last area is a mountain that is larger than all the others. Once you get to the top of the mountain, it flattens out and the High Order’s building is there.”

    “If Grimsley knows it, why are you explaining the path to us?” Coral questioned the bird. “He could probably tell us about it on the way and we’d be able to be gone by now.”

    “I’m debriefing you guys. As the guild co-leader I am supposed to debrief teams before all missions of A-rank or above or that are going to dungeons of A-rank or above.”

    “A-Rank?” Crue said. “We’re not supposed to do any missions above D-rank. Are you sure this is safe?”

    “No, but there really aren’t many alternatives, the other teams will be returning within the week so I could have waited but Spiral is your teammate so you should take her. And the dungeon is S-ranked but it’s mostly just a security measure to keep out unwanted civilians who might disrupt the piece, to properly behaving explorers under good circumstances it is only about as dangerous as a D-rank dungeon and you have Grimsley with you. He’ll make things a whole lot easier.”

    “You said under good conditions. What if conditions aren’t good, though?”

    “I’d rather not talk about it. Get going team.” Sherman’s voice cracked at the end of the sentence and eh turned around before taking off down the hallway.

    “Here,” Bartleby said, pulling a box out of a green bag that was sitting next to him. “It’s a gift! Have a good trip, and if you find any perfect apples don’t be afraid to grab them and give them to me when you get back.”

    “Thank you sir.” Drew took the box and opened it. “Uhh, this box is empty.”

    “I know, but you can use it to hold stuff! Good luck on the escort!” Bartleby smiled and inflated slightly.

    “Thank you sir,” Spiral said weakly from on top of Helm.

    “Now Team Hydro, good luck and get going! Yoom tah!”

    The six Pokemon walked towards the entrance and exited the building. “Well, it is about a two day walk to the entrance of Victory Road,” Grimsley said, “but I know a shortcut. Follow me.” They walked down the steps connecting the guild and Treasure Town. At the bottom, the children followed him to a field on the outskirts of town. Grimsley walked to a flat rock in the middle of the field. “This rock is a popular spot for teleportation so there is a lot of residual energy I could use. However, I could only take three of you with me, so I’ll have to go with some of you, teleport back, and then go with the rest. I’m taking Spiral for the first trip, so who else is coming?”

    “I’ll stay for now,” Coral responded.

    “Well then I think I’ll stay too,” Crue added.

    “I guess that means I’m taking Drew and Helm along too. Come on kids.” He laid a hand on Helm, who was still holding Spiral, and grabbed Drew’s tentacle. “Teleport.” A dim white glow surrounded the four Pokemon and intensified in strength for half a minute before giving off a large flash. When the flash faded, they were gone.

    “Well I guess it’s just us until they get back,” Coral said with a smile. “Want to play a game?”

    “Like what?” Crue asked.

    “I don’t know. Hey, let’s tell jokes! I’ll go first. A Swanna walks into a restaurant and orders food. After she’s done eating, a waiter comes up to the Swanna and asks her how she will pay for her food. So, the Swanna replies, ‘Put it on my bill!’”

    “Haha!” A high-pitched laugh echoed through the field.

    “Your laugh is really creepy Crue,” Coral commented.

    “I didn’t laugh though; I thought that was you laughing at your own joke.” Crue replied, perplexed.

    “So, you are the leader of this team I was hired to assassinate?” A high voice asked. A black flash came from trees on one side of the field and a figure appeared in front of them. It was short, a few inches shorter than Coral and over a foot shorter than Crue, and dark purple. Pointy ears stuck out of the side of its head and instead of eyes, two diamonds shone on its face. “I am Viral, master exterminator.” As he talked, he opened his mouth, revealing two rows of sharp teeth. “I was hired to kill all members of Team Hydro, starting with the leader. I guess I’ll have to kill your girlfriend too. Ahaha!”

    “Coral, run away.” Crue pushed her behind him.

    “Not without you. And he’s an assassin; he’d probably track me down anyways if I ran.”

    ”The girl is quite right,” Viral said with a chuckle. “And my boss granted me some good gifts that I’ll get to test out on you kids; such as this, gem growth! Psychic Gem!” A dark purple gem appeared on his chest above the ruby in his chest. He grabbed the purple gem and ripped it out of his chest with a sickening squelch and blood ran down his chest from the hole he pulled the gem from. He looked down at the hole in his chest and smiled wickedly. “This is the power of pain. And I’ll use it to kill you. Yes, my boss will like that very much. Psychic!”

    “Protect!” Coral jumped in front of Crue and glowed blue. A glowing blue orb surrounded them for a second before flickering out. “No, it failed!” the blue energy surrounding her was consumed by a purple one and she was flung into a tree. “D-darn it.”

    “Quiet. Power Gem.” Viral held up his hand and a white rock appeared in it, growing larger until it reached the size of a Tamato berry-about 8 inches in diameter. “Now shut up.” The rock launched at Coral.

    Crue, who had been stunned silent since Viral tore the Psychic Gem from his chest, suddenly snapped to attention. “Acid.” He lifted his tentacles and hastily formed a glob of poison that he threw at the Power Gem, but it simply bounced off the stone. “Coral, no!” The Power Gem hit her with a small explosion of energy. “Y-you.” He snapped around and faced Viral. “I will kill you! Acid!”

    “Psychic.” Viral snapped his wrist to the side and a purple glow surrounded Crue, also flicking him sideways. The darkness Pokemon swung his arm around like a demented music conductor, Crue unwillingly following the motions and grimacing in pain.

    “Dizzy Punch,” a soft voice said from behind the ghost. He turned his head and was punched by a large fist to his face. Viral twirled around twice before falling to the ground, knocked out. The Pokemon that punched him out quickly jumped up and caught Crue, who had been released from the Psychic control. She landed with a small flourish and went over to a small pile of felled trees where the Power Gem hit. “This is terrible, just hold on a second.” The tall Pokemon put down Crue and grabbed one of the trees, throwing it across the clearing. She then grabbed another and threw it, and then a third. She grabbed a fourth when a flash came behind her.

    “Oh my Arceus! What the heck happened here?!” Grimsley voice yelled through the clearing.

    “Oh, Grimsley, hello,” the Pokemon said, tossing the trees she was holding.

    “What? Oh, umm, hello Martha,” Grimsley greeted the tall Pokemon- she was 7 feet tall, almost four feet taller than Grimsley. She looked like a tan, reptilian kangaroo with pale ears and a pale patch on her stomach with a pouch on it. “What happened?”

    ”I don’t know. I was taking a walk when I saw a small explosion over here,” she threw off a fifth tree and saw part of one of Coral’s branches. “I came over to check it out and saw that sadistic Sableye on the ground over there using Psychic to torture this poor Tnetacool. Watch out.” She threw another tree which flew over Grimsley’s head. “It seems like the blast knocked down a bunch of trees on this Corsola.”

    “Coral! Crue!” Grimsley yelled in surprise, looking at the two knocked out teens. “Here, let me help.” He ran over to the tree pile and threw one off Coral, uncovering her face. “I got her face uncovered, it looks like she was hurt bad and one of her branches is broken.”

    “Move, I’ll get this last one,” Martha said. She grabbed a large branch that lay on Coral and threw it away. “Here, I got a reviver seed.” She reached into her pouch and pulled out a small seed that she popped into Coral’s mouth. The coral Pokemon’s eyes flickered open.

    “Oww. That hurt.” She unsteadily got up and looked around. “What happened?”

    “We don’t know, I was hoping you’d be able to tell us,” Grimsley said concernedly. “DO you remember anything?”

    ”Y-yes, it’s coming back. That Sableye jumped out of the trees and said his name was Viral and that he was hired to assassinate Crue. Then, he did something just horrid, he said that his boss gave him some sort of power to grow gems in his body and he grew a Psychic gem right in his chest! Then he tore it out with a disgusting sound and blood was dripping down his chest!”

    “Sounds disgusting, but what kind of Pokemon could grant that sort of power? And how did you end up under those trees?” Grimsley questioned.

    “He used a Psychic and I tried to block it with a Protect, but the Protect failed and he threw me into those trees and then hit me with a Power Gem that caused this whole patch of trees to fall on me. I’m not sure what he did to Crue though.”

    ”I saw this Viral character torturing Crue with a Psychic, so he must have tried again after you got in the way of the first one. I guess it was lucky I came along when I did and nailed him with a Dizzy Punch, got him out in one hit.”

    “Thanks Miss Martha,” Coral said, falling over in pain. “Oww, it hurts to move.”

    “Just rest for now,” Grimsley told her. “Do you have another reviver seed, Martha?”

    ”Sure do, here.” The Kangaskhan reached into her pouch and pulled out another seed that she gave to Grimsley. He slipped the seed into Crue’s mouth and the jellyfish blinked.

    “Wh-what happened?”

    “You got knocked out by an attempted assassin,” Grimsley stated matter-of-factly. “Luckily Martha from Kangaskhan Storage was nearby and knocked him out before he could get to the actual assassinating. You really should go back with her to the ospital while I go on the mission.”

    “No!” Crue pushed himself up with his tentacles. “I’m the leader of the team, I need to go. I just need some rest and I’ll be fine.”

    “And so will I,” Coral agreed. “I’ve wanted to see this for a long time; I won’t lose my chance to see the High Order.

    “Teenagers these days, so stubborn. They were just like that when I was a teen to, so I know there is no arguing. Martha, do you think you can handle taking the Sableye while I take care of these two?”

    “Sure Grimsley, I can just knock him back out if he tries to fight back.” Martha flexed her arm and grabbed Viral, flinging him over her shoulder. “Have a good day.”

    “You too.” Martha jumped off towards the Police Department. “Come on kids, let’s get going.” Grimsley gently picked up the two water-types and walked over to the rock. “Teleport.” A white glow surrounded them before flashing white and they were gone.
    ------------

    Author’s notes: Truth be told, even I’m not sure how Crue moves around. I think it might be a crawl thing, or maybe he uses his tentacles to lift himself up and move forward or something. And for anyone who may notice, Coraline’s name is not a shout-out to Coraline, but Viral’s name is a reference to Gurren Lagann, as such it is pronounced Veer-uhl not Vie-ral.
    Last edited by CuriousHeartless; 8th December 2011 at 1:00 AM.

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    You might want to double check those first two paragraphs, and there were quite a few other careless typos in there. Considering your chapters are relatively short, you might want to take the time to proofread them for errors like that.

    This chapter wasn't all that bad. It certainly added some more mystery to the story with Viral, and I hope we get to see some more of him. I want to know what his story is. However, there were some impulsive character choices here. Coral pretty much just joins the group for no real reason and, so far, has contributed very little to the story. I hope you can rectify this later by making her a major character in this part of the plot.

    One more thing I'd like to point out is that you may have to work on your character development a bit. You need to consider the personalities of your characters when writing dialogues so you know exactly what they would say in that situation. Crue, for example, seemed arrogant at the beginning of the story, but I'm not seeing that any more in his relations with other characters. Obviously characters like Helm act spontaneous and optimistic, but make sure you're incorporating these traits in their conversations, and maybe their thoughts if you choose to reveal them in your narration. Also keep in mind that a character doesn't have to be bound to a specific set of personality traits; they can act seemingly out-of-character if it's appropriate for the situation and they can change over time.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Gelatino95 View Post
    You might want to double check those first two paragraphs, and there were quite a few other careless typos in there. Considering your chapters are relatively short, you might want to take the time to proofread them for errors like that.

    This chapter wasn't all that bad. It certainly added some more mystery to the story with Viral, and I hope we get to see some more of him. I want to know what his story is. However, there were some impulsive character choices here. Coral pretty much just joins the group for no real reason and, so far, has contributed very little to the story. I hope you can rectify this later by making her a major character in this part of the plot.

    One more thing I'd like to point out is that you may have to work on your character development a bit. You need to consider the personalities of your characters when writing dialogues so you know exactly what they would say in that situation. Crue, for example, seemed arrogant at the beginning of the story, but I'm not seeing that any more in his relations with other characters. Obviously characters like Helm act spontaneous and optimistic, but make sure you're incorporating these traits in their conversations, and maybe their thoughts if you choose to reveal them in your narration. Also keep in mind that a character doesn't have to be bound to a specific set of personality traits; they can act seemingly out-of-character if it's appropriate for the situation and they can change over time.
    I looked over the whole first section and I didn't notice anything, can you please show me the mistakes I made?

    Viral will become a recurring villain, but I'm not sure how much of his story I want to reveal. And Coral will develop into a main character as time passes.

    I'm seriously having a problem with this too. I'm not sure on my own character's personalities. I got bits and pieces, but I'm just not totally sure and I have this bad habit of just wanting something to be said and letting anyone say it no matter how much it fits them. I'm trying to codify their personalities, but it really isn't my strong suit.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Kissmygrass96 View Post
    “Drew, wake up,” Crue said, poking Drew with his tentacle.

    “Five more minutes Drew,” Crue sleepily muttered back.
    There was a little issue here with the dialogue and speakers. Just a small mistake. There were a few typos here and there, but overall there weren't too many errors.

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