The Ember Days

[Sid87]

You know what's really embarrassing? I've been to your story several times, and each time, I could have SWORN it was, like, 20+ chapters in. But I checked again today (because I was going to start reading it regardless), and found I was WAY wrong. I'll have this caught up in just a few days (assuming you are still writing it, because you haven't updated in a while).

A Howl in the Night

-Just like in your Post A Scene bit, there is some gorgeous description going on here. Very eloquent. The only thing I might say is that your description tends to creep towards the extreme of being TOO artsy and flowery. Like I said, I like it; don't get me wrong! But sometimes it seems a little more verbose than it might need to be to make its point. So I'd just watch out for that. I know as a writer we sometimes fall in love with the imaginative ways we have to describe things, so we've all got to watch out for that when we take it too far.

-It is a nice, brief teaser of an opening. I'm guessing, by the description, the boy is some kind of pokemon/human hybrid. Or at least a pokemon possessed of a human mind and features? It's all very eerie. Two days left? The name in the sticks? She dreamed it all? What's going on here?


Bated Breath

-I really like the opening scene (though I think the very first sentence here is a prime example of overly flowery/metaphorical prose). We are introduced to the protagonist as someone with real life problems that almost anyone can relate to. That's very important, and I feel even more invested in her now. The little boy is still around, too, and not some figment of her dreams or psyche after all.

-The second scene is going along really well--more real life situations for Elizabeth, and some nice, light, fun dialogue between herself and Lily--and then BAM! That last sentence. I had to read the section again to see if I missed anything (I don't think I did). What goes on here, I wonder.
-Also, if the professor is from Kanto, where does the story take place? Did I miss that?

-The last scene[s] were very nice, too. More details of this girl's absolutely normal life, which are fun to read. She is very relate-able and a typical college student. And then she goes to bed, and wakes up. So, of course, shenanigans are about, but we are getting them in a fairly slow influx. I actually hope this pace continues for a while before we get too far into what the mysteriousness of the dreams and the boy and 3am are. This is a pleasant introduction to everything that I think could be the beginnings of a LOVELY slow burn. Having not read anything else, this is what I'm hoping for anyway. I really am enjoying reading just about this normal girl with occasional odd things happening to her.
-The "moment" of the chapter is obviously "Lily is dead". I enjoy that, but it seems out-of-nowhere. Is Lily dead, and the narrator is presenting facts from the future? Was that a voice in Elizabeth's head? Is it Elizabeth's own mind? It is creepy and mysterious, but I'm not sure just how to take it yet.

Okay, it's actually very late here (almost...dare I point out....3AM!), so I'm going to leave it there. But I will be back!

[katiekitten]

diamondpearl: :3 Thanks for your review! Sorry for the late response, I've had exams...! But I appreciate it. x3 I've been planning a revision of this (to rejig the structure, I'll probably include the earlier chapters later x3), so I'll slide the edits into that. :3 I'm glad I managed the suspense, though! You wouldn't believe how many edits it took to get it to flow a bit better. x3 And dw, I know what you mean about the 'he also sported' sentence - I have a habit of elaborating on different elements in the middle of the sentence, sometimes to the extent that I elaborate on my elaborations - an annoying quirk with my writing style! i'll work to quash it out. x3 I'm glad you liked it, and that the atmosphere came across, and I'll work on mixing up the sentence structure a bit. :3 Thanks for your review~!

Sid: Aww thanks for reviewing this, you didn't have to! I appreciate it, though, and I'm glad you liked it. x3 Yeah, not too many chapters, despite how long I've been working on it - I'm such a lazy writer! I am still writing it, though - I'm probably going to revise the structure a little to put the next chapters first, and integrate these bits into it later, and then continue writing it. x3 I have started the next chapter, though! It took me way too long to get into a decent mood for it... I blame my work, it saps all of my time during term time. I do like the first chapter though, so it definitely will still be a part of it, just later. I agree with you on the artsy-ness of the prologue though! My writing used to be /stuffed/ with it - it's such an indulgence, but I've pretty much squashed it now. Mostly. :x I'll keep an eye out for it in future! I'm glad you like it, though.

Same goes for the first sentence of the next chapter - I'll work on making sure I don't get carried away. x3 Whoops, that sentence was just supposed to be a thought, I'll preface it a little better. I may edit the entire thing, actually - I change how I interact with her thoughts as the chapters progress, and while it's not too noticeable, I'd feel better editing it... I'm actually happy that you like the pace, that sort of story fascinates me as well, the interweaving of the normal and abnormal, but I worry that I take too long getting around to it...! *hugs* Haha, 3AM... I really have to continue and get out the proper explanation for it. x3 I hope you like the next chapters as much - it takes a bit of a sharp turn from here, but eventually we'll be back on this interesting little track. Believe it or not, this is actually supposed to a romance. I don't think I need to say that it's going to take a while to get there haha...!

I hope you slept well! I should probably get back to revising myself, I'm all too good at procrastinating. xD I am slowly catching up on Brothers' Bond though. :3 Expect another review from me soon...! *hugs tight*

[Sid87]

Foxgloves

-I like the very real fear that a rabid animal is in her room. The image of her circling widely around her bed was very well thought out, because that's what ANYONE would do.

-I saw a few more grammar/typo errors in the early goings her than I seem to recall in the first two chapters. Just make sure to stay up on proofreading.

-I like the earnestness of the boy (with his "I have a big speech, and you'll like it!" spiel). I just wish, as I mentioned in my previous comment, that this had been a slower build to this point. I was actually really getting in to Elizabeth's regular life and the subtle suspicions that something was awry. It was nice (and psychological, to a degree) to read that.

-Yeah, I dig Nathaniel. I had an idea from your Post A Scenes that he might be more vicious (not evil or bad, but just fierce and maybe a bit bloodthirsty). But he's a lot of fun in actuality. Innocent and kind of silly. A fun guy.

-And so this is a dream? Of sorts? Or spiritual travel? Hm. That's a neat idea. Wonder where it will go....?




Wolfsbane

-Odin? So there's a Norse mythological base to this? I really REALLY like that. I used to read a lot of Norse mythos when I was younger. And what's this about a ceremony? It almost makes it seem like Nat is more nefarious than he has come across (ceremony makes me think of cults, anyway).

-I want the story of Elizabeth's family's OTHER great near-death experiences. It is something her family has a history of? So there is more to this girl and her life than has been revealed so far?

-I like Elizabeth's very rational reaction to the flames. So many authors would be tempted to have the protagonist be in awe of the fire or even amused by it, but she was legitimately terrified. Even after it was gone, you showed her flinching to Nat's movements, still thinking of that moment.

-Nice alluding to Nat's backstory with the "Gods/Demons" thing, and the quite suspicious line of "We were more than you deserved". I don't think I trust this kid at all, the more I read.

[ChloboShoka]

I got attracted by the nice banner in your signature. I think a lot of the typos and errors have already been pointed out by some of the other readers. I really liked the atmosphere in the story even though the pace was slow. I liked the characters in the story like Elizabeth and Nathaniel because they were really amusing and interesting.

[aggiegwyn]

I like the so far. There is a true element of mystery going on, and things aren't revealed too quickly, which I like. I also liked how Elizabeth didn't immediately accept going with the boy, it took a lot of convincing! A lot of writers just have their characters immediately accept things, which is unrealistic. I also like how you don't spend much time describing the characters. You give us one or two details every chapter and leave the rest to the reader, which is fun to us. I was convinced she was a ginger until the last chapter to be honest XD

Well done, I like it so far, although I do have one thing to nitpick.

"able to grasp at the air as Nathaniel writhed into a foetal position"




Oh, and thanks a lot for making my favorite character sort of die. XP (only kidding, I understand it's probably an important plot twist or something)

[Sid87]

Glaciers

I like the narration shift to Coballion here. It's very fierce, and interesting (Elizabeth wearing strange attire; I wonder if he thinks all human clothes are strange, or just her sleepwear?). It's quite a powerful, forceful narration. I don't get the sense that he would be as flowery as your narration gets, though (with lines like describing Elizabeth as "drinking in" the distance between them); I'd think that he would be more brutish and abrupt. I get that he's a leader and powerful, but I still get the sense from what little I've seen of him that he'd be more of brevity than long-windedness. But he's your character, so I could be wrong!

So, and this might have taken me a long time to ascertain, are there no pokemon in the most basic sense in this world? No pokeballs and battling? They are just ancient beasts that are not even known as real (almost like a mythological creature)? If so, I dig that. It makes them seem more "edgy" and unknown. By the time I got to this line--"We have many, many different species, basically. The hunt itself is made up of mostly horse-types and canine, feline types, though, its just what makes up our community and always has. Oh, and the occasional bull, although they aren’t quite nimble enough, see."--I am sure this is the case. I like the imagery of Persians and Luxray and Stoutland on a hunt.

I am going to reiterate a slight disappointment that we won't be seeing any more of Elizabeth's everyday life since you handled it so well. But the mythology and world you've created here is very rich, so I'm sure I'll have even more fun exploring it further!

[Chibi Pika]

Hi there! I saw your fic in the review game and decided to take the moment of motivation to go check it out. Since you said you wanted a review on chapter 3 and up, that's what I'll do, though I did do a quick read-over of the first few chapters just to get up to speed (they were short so I figured I might as well.)

Chapter 3:

So as the fic progresses, I'm getting a definite sense of it feeling more engrossing. I don't know how to explain it, but just reading chapter 2 compared to chapter 1, I can tell you had a lot more fun with it, and that just translates into a more enjoyable reading experience (of course, it also helps that that's when the plot-important encounter took place.) The prologue and first chapter felt kind of slow and awkward by comparison, with some wordy descriptions that sometimes felt like they weren't serving the narrative or informing the reader. Still, this improved very quickly as the fic progresses.

Nathaniel is extremely cute in both his mannerisms and dialogue, and every moment he's on-screen (so-to-speak) I want to know more about him. He's also got me interested in this ceremony, which apparently celebrates the past event that brought peace to humans and Pokemon (if I can call them that?). I am kind of wondering how the two of them taking place in this ceremony is going to translate into the story's plot or conflict, but I imagine that will come up soon enough.

Chapter 4:

Well then...rather strange that the old Cobalion would be so dismissive of humankind while attending a gathering for a celebration of the peace between their kinds. But at this point I can only guess that he's more disdainful of the magic that would allow a Pokemon like Nathaniel to take on a human form.

But then his later internal monologue seems to imply that he was never happy with this truce to begin with. So now it makes sense that he'd lash out at a Pokemon for associating with a human. But then...in this particular version of the world, do humans and Pokemon not regularly interact?

It's also a bit strange that their hunts had to be so massive any organized, as opposed to just individuals hunting for food individually as they needed. But then, with such a unique setup as to what Pokemon themselves even are, I suppose unusual new concepts of their culture or traditions make more sense than they normally would.

I'm rather curious to find out more. You've got a unique premise to your incarnation of the Pokemon world, which currently has a lot of negative space to potentially fill.

~Chibi~

[katiekitten]

Sid: *squishes* I've actually read the latest chapter of Brothers' Bond, just been crazy busy and haven't found time to review! But will in a bit, I promise. x3 And thank you for reading! Yeah, the track of the story does change here, which makes me think all the more that I should rejig the whole structure, as the first bit doesn't really fit once the main story swings into it. I /am/ a fan of stories that focus more on normal life, though, so I think I'll have to write something more focussed on that at some point. We will be returning to her ordinary life (ish) - the actual 'ember days' and therefore this ceremony they're attending only occurs four times a year, for three days at a time. But it won't be completely normal, I guess? Little Nathaniel is here to stay, though, even though he's not supposed to be necessarily: next chapter helps flesh out his unique circumstances, and develops the ceremony more, of course. This introduction to the whole ceremony thing is important, as are the characters it brings in, which is why I'm spending so much time on it - that and it's fascinating, and also I need to see Elizabeth's progression and acceptance of this new identity through. I've set this up to be rather an epic to tell the truth.

I'm really glad like you liked her reaction to the fire - and her progression throughout, that second chapter was so difficult for that reason...! I spent ages trying to get the reactions right xD; An issue of trying to convince the character to go where I wanted her to go... Haha, I'm glad that you see the insidious side of Nathaniel as well, there is more to him than just the earnest child. He is part of the hunt, after all. I hope you like how it develops later! And typos and yuck, should hopefully have gotten a bunch of them now - going to go over it more thoroughly when I revise

As for the base of the story... it's a mix of the Benandanti (italian agrarian ritual/witchcraft) myths with a nice dot of norse mythology (they're heavily linked, in any case, I'm going for one of the Benandanti variants).

The response to his clothing is more her night clothes, yeah - as for his characterisation, I hear you... Mm, food for thought. While he does have that aggressive quality, we are effectively seeing him at a bad moment... I'll keep an eye on my language, and have a look at him when I revise him. He's not one for speeches, certainly, I'll see how that reflects on his thoughts. :3 I knew I had a problem with his narration at points - he seems to come out a little too bitter in his description of the way things are now, i was trying to go for a 'he regrets the past, but its a distant regret, it's something that he accepted long ago. He dislikes humans, but he tolerates them as he has to. What annoys him, rather, is Nathan's obsession with them, he doesn't understand it and it disgusts him, and the boys effective insubordination in his attitude to him rubbed him the wrong way'. Will probably revise the whole section a bit :3

The position of pokemon within this... Mythological creatures-esque, yeah x3

C.Gholy: Thanks for reviewing, I'm glad you like the banner! I'm glad you don't mind the pace - I've been really aware of it, so I'm glad it doesn't really detract. I quite like those guys too. x3 Thanks for reviewing!

aggie: I'm glad you liked that section, that was literally the hardest bit to write...! I wanted to realistically convince the character to go, but it was such a battle haha! I will go get that typo now, thank you :3 And character die? Ah, if you mean lily, that was just a bit of clumsy writing - it's just supposed to be a thought. If it's something else though...?

ChibiPika: That's why I've been iffy with the first chapters - they had no purpose other than to introduce the main character, and therefore completely aimless, and it just felt uncomfortable. As for the plot - the ceremony is a crucial element of it, but the relationship between Elizabeth and Nathaniel, as well as the other characters who have been introduced/are about to be introduced is key to it... It's actually supposed to be a romance? :x Just in a very unique environment, which is crucial to the development... I really have created an epically long plot haha. All the pieces are in place and moving though, I can say that safely without giving anything away. x3

As for Tobias... For all of his personal qualms, he has a sense of duty that he refuses to betray, it's a key part of who he is, part of his 'ancestry', he's very aware of his status within the hunt. Hence, despite his personal revulsion, he understands the necessity of the truce, and these continued ceremonies, despite the growing arbitrary nature of them. They are still crucial, though. I think I'll try and make that a bit more apparent in his narrative, although as an exceptional incident (he doesn't make a habit of losing his cool), there's this section which has been really bothering me anyway. x3 But yes, he is more disturbed by nathan's actions and attitude than the presence of humans, the latter point he'd already accepted.

As for the great 'Hunts', they themselves weren't normal, every day occurrences, but a communal excursion, if that makes any sense? The 'hunt' itself is a community, a roving, nomadic, hierarchical community - a multi-specie tribe... I see where the explanation I put clouds it a bit, I'll spiff it a bit. The job of gathering food for the tribe would be designated to the adults, with a few staying back to guard the camp and the weak/old/young/unable. Individual hunting is of course possible, but that places the individual above the hunt. mm. will hash it out more. I'm glad that you like it though.

[Sidewinder]

Sorry that its taken me so long to get here. This will be for the prologue. I should have the reviews for the other chapters by tomorrow night. I'm in the middle of moving to a new city atm so I'm somewhat frazzled haha

@ Prologue

The glow of the crescent moon burned over the mountain range, gilding the tendrils of fog that curled through the forests with silver fire as it swept down the rocky slopes.

Wow that painted a wonderful picture. Gilding the tendrils of fog? Really nicely done. This will be the first of many times that I compliment you on your wonderful talent of description. Your talent at wordplay leaves nothing to be desired. Obviously there is such a thing as overly describing something but so far you've kept a nice balance and you certainly paint a nice picture

the matted fur of the emerging pointed ears shivering.

Hmm, nice touch as well. You've piqued my interest with this part. I've only read one Pokemorph story before, so this is instantly what my mind went to. Though, it is too early to tell whether this is what you're story is about or not, it still woke me up as I was reading and made me pay more attention.

His voice, when he spoke, was thick with excitement.

“Two days left.”

Nicely done. That set the tone for the rest of the prologue for me. Even though we meet the new character in a moment, all I keep thinking about is this furry kid and what his story is. Be careful of that balance between characters. From what I've read so far you know how to keep things seperate but equal, but just so you know, you know?

There was no point worrying about dreams, really. In the end, they were just that - fantasies. She allowed her eyes to close, tucking herself deeper into her duvet, breaths already evening.

I really responded to that actually. Many a night I've awoken to remind myself that I'm in reality and what I was just dreaming was a fantasy. It's funny how you're mind can believe what's underneath haha

All in all, not bad for a prologue. You set up a slight motivation for the furry eared fellow, and that 3AM bit at the end lended signifigance to what I may think might be a supernatural touch to what's to come. I'm intrigued, and I think you've set a lovely stage for the next chapter

[katiekitten]

Thank you for the lovely initial review, Sidewinder! *snugs* I'll keep an eye out for the character balance - but I'm glad that the little tidbit about the dreams fitted well. :3 *snugs*

[Sidewinder]

Chapter 1

Her alarm must’ve been sounding its ‘you’re in trouble’ notice every ten minutes since she’d first slept through it at 7:15.

I actually lol'd at that. You pretty much described the routine I go through with my iPhone every morning haha

holly bush beside the house porch shivered, reducing itself in a wisp of smokeless flame into weed-clogged grass and a small pile of sweet smelling ashes.

Wow, that gave me a slight shiver. It's funny, I've always thought things like that, or anything out of the ordinary happening to a person is somewhat disconcerting, but when it happens to something inannimate, it crosses over into actually being scary. Maybe that's just me but I hope you see where I'm coming from lol. I also salute your inventiveness with 'smokeless flame'...I pictured that in my head and had trobule because smoke is the result of fire and I had a pretty fun little romp in my head trying to picture it. Nicely done

and Elizaveth was therefore forced to swallow her further protests

Misspelled Elizabeth there

Lily was dead.

Hmm, I liked that as well. Creepy foreshadowing there plus it does alot to set the tone. The only thing that confused me slightly was the phrasing. It did the job well enough, but I couldn't figure out wether you were saying Lily was dead in front of Elizabeth, with like a slit throat or whatever, or if Lily was a figment over her imagination because she's been dead for awhile. I'm going with the second, but correct me if I'm wrong

There really was a limit to how many hours you can sing Karaoke.

Lol that made me laugh as well. All joking aside, Karaoke was evil x_X

An uncountable number of hours had slipped past before she found herself stirring once more.

I don't really like that phrasing too much, as uncountable implies something so vast, and since you show a few sentences away that she wakes up at three, it may be good to replace uncountable with something different perhaps

Chapter 2

and apart from their cat Smudge

My fiance smiled at that. She had a cat named Smudge growing up lol

She was dreaming. She had to be. She had screamed loud enough to raise a cremated corpse

Nice wordplay and visual there. I'm actually quickly becoming quite enamored with your talent with words. You always seem to pick the right one for every situation. I love it

Yeah! Well, not quite, more of an adventure, but you are sleeping! In a sense! How did you guess, do you know a bit already?”

I'm finding something really unique with your story...You make me smile. Doesn't matter if it's the descriptions or the dialogue or the situation, I feel really smiley. Like the quoted portion above, it was such a lovely and awkward way to describe what's happening. Epecially because this boy is trying to explain something to calm Elizabeth down even though it does the exact opposite. lol I like it

A/N: The next chapter, however, has been a pain in the jacksee to write. xD Fun, but a pain. A note about her reaction: her shock begins to wear off in the next chapter and she begins to properly react to this all, completely forgetting that this is [strike]supposed to be[/strike] a dream. If there are still problems with her reaction, though, please let me know - this was an interesting scene to write on that level. xD;

Nat is not as young as he looks, either. :x

Hmm, this portion at the end I'm not really crazy about. On one hand I like that you're giving a little clarity to me and answering a few questions I have, but at the same time I feel like everything you listed is something that could have been brought on gradually. Like the last portion where you say that Nathaniel is not as old as he looks. It takes away from the childlike appearence and demeanor with his explanations that I'm liking and makes me conform to what you want me to think. That's not a bad thing at all and sometimes it's needed to make sure that writers are on the right track, but in this situation it feels a bit wrong. Believe me, I'm still loving the story and I'm not trying to tell you how to write, but sometimes it's nice to let the reader make their own suppositions about the characters and what could possibly unfold. You dig?

Chapter 3

“You were born with the caul,” Nathaniel repeated, voice sounding strained. His hands appeared to be clenched into fists in his pockets. “It means that when you were born, you still had the ‘birth’… stuff on your head, or something like that. You did, didn’t you?”

You're painting something really fun with Nathaniel here. It's almost like he's fracturing. I don't know if he's just so excited to be on the path now that he is with Elizabeth, or that he is just this spazzy, but the picture you've painted make me think that both are possible. I like his all knowing/child-like/cryptic behavoir quite a bit. It's not usual that a fic has me guessing what's going on in terms of the actual plot, but you're doing a pretty decent job so far lol

The flames were crawling over her skin, biting up her chest and licking at her neck in an icy caress. Within moments it would be all over.

Fun comparison there. Flames licking up her body but feeling icy. I liked the opposing teams/terms quite a bit. You've done this several times throughout the chapters and it always makes me think of what it would be like. Especially in terms of a physical substance on the physical plane instead of dream related possibilites. Lmao I hope that makes sense

the sound of voices raised in excitement or anger,

It's always been funny to me how alike those two can sound lol

The Cobalion's jaw quivered, his lip curling.

I might do away with everything past the comma, as I feel that the 'quivered' portion adds enough intenseness and seriousness without the second bit. Plus, I've always felt like short sentences have a unique power in the realm of literature lol. Once again, not telling you how to write, but I was just thinking

Chapter 4

The mortal was brave.

Okay, that woke me up. When humans are talked down to like that it really gives me the creeps. The only people/things that talk to people like that are the ones that could crush someone with a flick of their finger...Yikes

but the defiance was still there, burning, her protest barely audible over the collected cheer of the revellers.

I'm starting to notice an affinity towards fire from you...Which makes sense since this is The Ember Days, but whether it's Nathaniel igniting into flame or little tidbits like this, it's noticeable. I don't know if it's part of the story, or something planned, or maybe just random, but I like it lol

Fsshhh.

The child fled along the hill, dragging the girl behind him, as a decoy smokescreen exploded soundlessly on the hillside.

Hmm, I'm assuming that the 'Fsshhh' was a sound effect, but then you say exploded soundlessly. If I'm wrong feel free to correct me, but I'm assuming I'm right because I don't know what else that word could be except for a sound effect. If I'm right you may consider removing it for clarity

This was insanity, she knew.

I'm sensing some doubt with that thought lol

I almost feel kinda thick for asking, but why is the chapter called Glaciers?

Anyway, I didn't quote much when it came to Nathaniel's explanation of the hunt or what he was mainly because I was actually pretty entranced by it lol. You've done a good job setting up a premise that is hard to follow yet engaging at the same time. Unlike the portion you explained earlier, this portion in this chapter where Nathaniel really starts explaining things make me want to make all sort of fun suppositions and fun ideas to carry along to the next chapter. I've noticed that this story is posted over a long time frame, which really won't do at all since I'm now very interested in what's going to happen

Mainly I think that this is a very different approach to what I see on the board with regard to Pokemon, but I think on larger part it's because I love your descriptive descriptiveness of random things and important events. You certainly have a talent with words m'lady, and I'm looking forward to seeing more. Sorry it took me so long to get here, but I'm glad I did